Podcast Summary: The Deep Dish – How to Make Friends in Real Life
The Gospel Coalition | Hosts: Melissa Kruger & Courtney Docter | Guest: Christine Hoover
Release Date: January 8, 2026
Overview of the Episode
This heartfelt and practical episode of The Deep Dish dives deep into the topic of friendship among Christian women, examining why making and keeping friends can feel so fraught in today’s culture and how gospel-centered friendship is both a formative grace and at times, a source of real hurt and longing. Hosts Melissa Kruger and Courtney Docter are joined by Christine Hoover, a pastor’s wife, author, and Bible teacher, for a candid conversation about the messy, hopeful realities of female friendship in various life stages.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Why Is Friendship So Hard? (02:54–04:27)
- Real Talk: All three hosts reflect on seasons of loneliness and the challenge of forming new friendships after transitions like marriage, motherhood, moving, or changing life stages.
- Cultural Factors: Christine and Melissa note that modern mobility, social media, and shifting schedules make lasting or deep friendships harder to come by.
- Myth of the Lifelong BFF: Courtney questions the cultural narrative of the “best friend forever” and how harmful that expectation is.
Quote:
“I think that's the big problem is that we don't have an understanding of what friendship should look like. So we have this ideal in our head and that ideal just is detrimental to us in so many ways.”
— Christine Hoover [05:34]
2. Redefining Friendship: The Gospel-Centered Model (07:55–11:32)
- Moving Beyond Idealization: Christine calls for distinguishing between idolizing an ideal friendship and embracing real-life relationships that include difficulty, conflict, and forgiveness.
- Gospel Friendship Defined:
- Telling each other the truth, sometimes confronting or being confronted
- Engaging in forgiveness and bearing with one another because everyone is a sinner
- Christian friends are called to help sanctify one another, not just keep things pleasant or superficial
Quote:
“It is theologically sound to expect your friends to fail you…decide on the front end what your response is going to be. A gospel-centered friend, the response is going to be to forgive, to bear with, to persevere when our friends fail us, frustrate us, because we want them to do the same.”
— Courtney Docter [09:03]
- Learning from Jesus:
- Jesus modeled true friendship by intentionally being “with” the twelve disciples, even knowing they would fail him (Melissa, [11:32])
3. Dealing with Hurt, Disappointment, and Cynicism (13:38–17:24)
- Why We Get Hurt: Everyone in the room has experienced pain or betrayal in friendship, and God uses the “hard” of community to sanctify us.
- Embracing the Long View: Isolation is often self-protective but ultimately not God’s design. Wrestling through relational difficulty is healthy and transformative.
Quote:
“I have grown and been sanctified primarily through relationships, and hopefully God has used me in other people's lives for that as well. This is what we are designed for…There's so much fruit and richness on the other side of that.”
— Christine Hoover [16:56]
4. Practical Help: Making Friends in Real Life (18:40–21:13)
- Advice for New Situations:
- Don’t just “go once” to a new group—commit for the long haul.
- At your first meeting, focus on finding and introducing yourself to someone else who looks new or alone.
- Relieve Social Pressure:
- Flip the focus from “everyone is looking at me” to noticing others who may need a welcome.
- Melissa suggests prepping a few simple questions (“How long have you been at this church?” “Where do you find the coffee?”) to make small talk easier.
- Empathy for the Newcomer:
- Remember, “Everyone in the room is looking to belong somewhere and everyone feels like they don’t quite fit.” (Melissa, [21:13])
5. Navigating Transitions and Loss in Friendship (23:04–26:16)
- Transitions are Normal: Loss, moves, life changes—these bring both grief and opportunity for new relationships.
- Longing as a Holy Thing: Recognize that the ache for perfect friendship points toward our longing for heaven and ultimate community with God’s people.
Quote:
“Every friendship will frustrate us because we frustrate all of our friends…there’s this long view that I hear you calling women to have: both a biblical understanding of, biblical foundation, but then this long view understanding of, yeah, we bear with one another and as they bear with us and we do this, we pursue health and wholeness and we pursue Christ together.”
— Courtney Docter [17:24]
6. For Those with “Enough” Friends: Welcoming the Outsider (26:16–29:05)
- Beware of Exclusivity: Territorial, stagnant friend groups can become idolatrous.
- Be an Intersection, Not a Cul-de-sac: Even if you’re overwhelmed with current relationships, use your social “intersection” to connect others, introducing new women to people who can welcome them.
Quote:
“If you feel a sense of territorialism...I would check that, because I don’t think that’s what the Bible speaks of…There should be a sense of movement and activity—people in and people out.”
— Christine Hoover [27:07]
- Embracing Diversity and Limitations: Appreciate the different gifts in friends and resist the temptation to compare or compete; encourage each other in those unique callings ([31:04]).
7. Friendship Groups: The Blessing and the Warning (32:13–35:56)
- Avoid Idolizing the Group: Rejoice when friends form new connections; it echoes Jesus’s own levels of intimacy with his followers (12, 3, 1—[34:46]).
- C.S. Lewis’ Insight: The loss of one friend in a group diminishes the whole community dynamic ([34:46]).
Quote:
“We can see relationships actually playing off each other in a wonderful way…I mean, when one person is gone, you get everyone less, not more.”
— Melissa Krueger [35:54]
8. Friendship with Jesus: The Foundation for All Others (36:27–39:36)
- Rootedness: Ultimately, seasons of loneliness teach us to depend on God and find the faithful, unfailing friend we long for in Jesus alone.
- Friendship Idolatry: Longing for a friend to “be God” to us leads to disappointment, but knowing Jesus as our perfect friend gives freedom and resilience for healthy human relationships.
Quote:
“I was looking for that person or that group to fill a need that only Jesus could fill… I think, sovereignly, God kept friendship from me so that I would… turn to him. And that changed everything for me, my perspective on friendship…”
— Christine Hoover [37:02]
Notable Moments & Quotes with Timestamps
- “That ideal is detrimental to us in so many ways.” – Christine Hoover [05:34]
- “It is theologically sound to expect your friends to fail you.” – Courtney Docter [09:03]
- “A fool isolates themselves, that wise people seek community.” – Christine Hoover paraphrasing Proverbs [15:43]
- “Instead of a cul-de-sac, be an intersection.” – Christine Hoover [27:07]
- “To idealize is to idolize.” – Christine Hoover [39:36]
Practical Takeaways
- Commitment: Show up consistently, not just once. Vulnerability and repetition lead to real connection.
- Initiative: Instead of waiting to be approached, look for other outsiders and welcome them in.
- Perspective Shift: Move from “who will be my friend?” to “how can I be a blessing?”
- Healthy Boundaries: Accept your limitations and celebrate the diverse gifts of your friends.
- Openness: Allow friendship groups to grow and change.
- Christ-Centeredness: Secure your sense of belonging and value in Jesus first, which empowers forgiving, grace-filled friendship with others.
Final Practical Question
What’s your favorite way to keep in touch with friends who have moved away? (41:17)
- Christine recommends Voxer (audio messages), which is practical for voice connection without video pressure.
- Courtney adds that staying connected on social media is also redeeming when friends are geographically distant.
Conclusion
This episode encourages Christian women to reject unhealthy, unrealistic ideals, and instead embrace the messy, sometimes hard, always sanctifying process of real-life friendship. Whether you’re in a lonely season, newly relocated, overwhelmed by too many relationships, or learning to let go of exclusive circles, the hosts urge you to keep pressing in for the sake of your own growth and the good of Christ’s body.
“We’re meant to bear with imperfect friends, imperfect people, and we’re meant for them to bear with us. In all of it, we grow... it’s a huge part of what the Lord uses to grow us toward maturity in Christ.” — Courtney Docter [41:02]
Recommended Action:
Listen to this episode if you need wisdom, camaraderie, or courage to build gospel-centered friendships. Consider sharing it with a friend or using it as conversation starter in your small group or women’s ministry.