Podcast Summary: "When You Want to Change Your Husband"

The Deep Dish – The Gospel Coalition
Host: Melissa Kruger
Guest: Ann Wilson
Date: November 13, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of The Deep Dish explores the often–unspoken dynamics of marriage, specifically focusing on the desire many wives feel to "change" their husbands. Melissa Kruger is joined by Ann Wilson, co-host of the Family Life Today radio broadcast, seasoned marriage conference speaker, and author of How to Speak Life to Your Husband When All You Want to Do is Yell at Him. With raw honesty and gospel-rooted wisdom, Ann shares the ups and downs of her 45-year marriage, the spiritual dangers of criticism, and practical, biblically-driven encouragement for wives (and anyone in close relationships) who desire something more from their spouse.

"Marriage is really all about relationship and all about living beside another—so, whether you’re married or not, I think this is a great conversation."
—Melissa Kruger (04:00)

Key Discussion Points and Insights

The Power of Words in Relationships

• Ann opens with the importance of words, not just within marriage but across all relationships:

  "I don’t think we realize the power that we have and the power of our words… We have the power to change things for good or for bad." (01:53)

• Scriptural wisdom referenced: Proverbs 18:21, Proverbs 21:19, and Proverbs 16:24, highlighting both the harmful and healing potential of the tongue.
• Melissa echoes the theme:

  "The tongue has the power to pierce like the sword, but it also has the power to heal." (22:15)

Ann & Dave Wilson’s Marriage Journey

• Background: Married 45 years; three children, seven grandchildren; both from non-Christian homes; thought faith would make marriage easy (06:12).
• Raw honesty:
  • "Six months later, I remember we were in this huge fight... I remember looking at him thinking, I can’t think of anything I really like about him." (06:39)
  • Ann admitted to shouting, “Marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life.” (07:14)
  • Early valleys led them back to marital basics and Bible study.
• Key revelation:

  "I realized… you’ve been trying to find all your hope and meaning and happiness through Dave. I never made him or equipped him to make you happy… That’s my job." (09:35)

• Repetitive valleys: Ann underscores that all marriages experience ups and downs; the mature response is to consistently recentre on Jesus (10:35).

The Urge to "Change" Husbands

• Illustration: The "boo" story—Dave shares publicly that Ann’s criticisms feel like “booing” rather than cheering, a wake-up call for Ann:

  "You have to tweak me all the time… point out things… like I’m a child, and you’re trying to maneuver and fix me to become this man that you want me to be." (18:39)

• Plant analogy: Ann’s memorable visual of a thriving plant (husband), pruned aggressively until it’s a stump, resonated deeply—even bringing a man in the audience to tears (25:30).

  "That stump is me." (26:39)

Stereotypical Complaints and Gender Expectations

• Women most often wish for:
  • More spiritual leadership at home,
  • Husband to have strong male friendships/accountability,
  • Less "laziness" or more engagement,
  • Greater emotional availability and communication (22:49).
• Self-examination encouraged when negative feelings rise—often rooted in dissatisfaction coming from within, not valid faults in the husband.

Constructive Confrontation: When and How?

• Addressing sin vs. minor flaws:
  • Ann firmly notes: Abuse or danger must never be overlooked—seek safety and help in those cases (31:47).
  • For otherwise “good-willed” men: Ann suggests praying, “Lord, show me the greatness in Dave,” and looking for opportunities to express genuine appreciation, however small (32:40).
• Balance truth and encouragement:

  "I’m not a kind of person that can fake it… There is a place where we do speak the truth in love, but start by recognizing the good." (31:53)

• The power of intentional encouragement:
  • Beginning with simple thank-yous builds an atmosphere where hard conversations can be received with grace (33:40–37:16).
  • "Nothing has changed Dave more than me seeing the way God sees him—and saying it." (43:14)
• Practical tip: Pray before speaking. Ask: “God, should I say this? And if so, when? And how?” (36:38).

The Mental Battle: Changing Thought Patterns

• Neurological pathways of negativity: Ann notes science confirms what Scripture says—consistent complaint carves mental habits; intentional gratitude rewires our responses (42:24).
  • "What would happen if you prayed for him as much as you complained about him?" (42:56)
• God-goggles: Daily prayer to see one’s husband (or anyone close) as God sees him—making encouraging words natural, not manipulative (43:56).

Application Beyond Marriage

• The principles of speaking life are universal—to children, parents, friends, co-workers, or roommates (14:16, 45:27).
  • Quoting Toni Morrison via Oprah:

    "When that child walks into the room, you light up." (44:17—45:06)

  • Melissa: "I should be lighting up when my husband walks in the room." (45:06)

Memorable Quotes

• On the loss/gain of hope for change:

  “I was angry at the circumstances, and then my anger turned to bitterness. My bitterness turned to resentment. And then my resentment turned to nothingness.” (15:20)

• On gratitude:

  “Maybe your problem isn’t your circumstances, but your heart. And I think that’s what marriage exposes a lot of times.” (13:05)

• On seeing the best in others:

  “It wasn’t to change him. It was to change me.” (43:14)

• On daily choices:

  “You can’t wait for your feelings to be there to do it. It’s almost an obedience.” (48:39)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Understanding the Power of Words: 01:53–05:45
• Ann’s Marriage Testimony: Early Years & Valleys: 06:12–10:35
• Exposing Criticism—The Boo Story: 17:40–20:16
• Plant Illustration—Pruning Relationship: 24:55–27:29
• Defining Common Complaints & Expectations: 22:49–28:42
• Wisdom in Confronting Sin vs. Overlooking Flaws: 31:16–37:16
• Neural Pathways and God-Goggles: 42:24–44:17
• Lighting Up for Your Spouse—Beyond Marriage: 45:06–47:55
• Closing Encouragement and Journal Idea: 51:37–52:48
• Hosts Share What They Love About Their Spouses: 52:48–55:14

Notable Moments & Quotes

• Ann describing the pivotal moment of awareness in the car:

  “Is it even working? ... It just feels like you have to tweak me all the time…” – Dave Wilson, paraphrased by Ann (18:39)

• The teary older man after Ann’s plant illustration: “That stump is me.” (26:39)
• On the everyday power of gratitude:

  “Thanks for bringing in the trash cans. It’s that simple.” – Ann (34:00)

• Melissa on setting the right mental focus:

  “We get mentally lazy... But that mental battle of, I’m going to choose gratefulness, I’m going to choose to look at this person...” (45:27)

Practical Takeaways

• Pray for new eyes to see your spouse’s strengths.
• Intentionally voice (or text or write) small, specific encouragements.
• Ask for God’s wisdom before speaking critical words.
• Recognize when your “helping” becomes “pruning to a stump.”
• Let your face and demeanor signal love and welcome, not correction.

Final Encouragements

• Ann: It’s an act of the will—choose to speak life, even if your feelings lag behind. (48:39)
• Melissa: “We still have valleys and peaks... but it’s choosing to rejoice in what is, rather than focus on what isn’t.” (55:14)

With warm friendship and rich biblical encouragement, Melissa and Ann provide both confession and challenge for women seeking to love well in marriage and beyond. Their advice radiates humility, hope, and the gentle, powerful call to be “life-givers” in the world’s most important relationships.

Listen to the episode for the full, heartfelt conversation, visual stories, and more wisdom from two seasoned leaders in Christian discipleship and women’s ministry.