Summary of The Determined Society with Shawn French

Episode: Kwame Christian’s Guide to Negotiation, Courage & Hard Conversations
Date: December 5, 2025

Episode Overview

This deeply engaging episode features negotiation expert, author, and podcast host Kwame Christian. Shawn French and Kwame dive into core concepts behind negotiation—not only as a professional skill but as a personal practice of facing hard conversations with courage and self-respect. Kwame shares personal stories, the psychological roots of people-pleasing, and actionable frameworks for approaching difficult discussions. The conversation is peppered with humor, vulnerability, and real-world applications, ultimately centering on determination, compassionate curiosity, and the importance of honoring agreements with oneself.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Roots & Journey of People-Pleasing

• Kwame’s childhood & background (03:15):

  • Grew up as a first generation Caribbean American in Tiffin, Ohio—a place with little diversity, leading to formative experiences of exclusion and loneliness.
  • “I will never feel this lonely ever again… I'm going to make people be my friends.”
    (Kwame, 04:18)
  • Developed people-pleasing habits, not standing up for himself, agreeing to avoid conflict—despite outward social success.

• Mentor's pivotal advice (06:31):

  • “There’s a difference between being liked and being respected. …you’re not going to have the professional success you want or the life you want to have if you cannot have these tough conversations.”

• Transforming the habit (06:31–08:48):

  • Kwame reframed the fear of conflict as a phobia to be treated.
  • “Every time I feel this [fear], now by rule I have to have the conversation. …I turn myself into a man that I respect.”
    (Kwame, 07:50)

Understanding Fear of Hard Conversations

• Origins of conflict avoidance (08:48):

  • Varies: some avoid because of parents modeling avoidance or due to volatile early environments.
  • Emphasizes building self-understanding—“I wasn’t born this way. I was built this way, just brick by brick.”
    (Kwame, 09:59)

• Host’s personal example (10:30):

  • Shawn shares growing up in a home where conflict was resolved with yelling, leading to his own avoidance patterns.

• Internal negotiation & commitment devices (11:33):

  • Strategies for not avoiding:
    • Set a “shot clock” (e.g., promise to have the tough conversation within 24h).
    • Create accountability by notifying the other person, making it harder to back out.

Navigating Relationship Conflict

• Outcomes of tough conversations (14:01):

  • Not all relationships endure; some require endings or a new dynamic.
  • Reframing the ideal: “Sitting on the sidelines and hoping things get better isn’t a great strategy.”
    (Kwame, 15:36)

• Male friendships and vulnerability (17:48):

  • Acknowledgement of the challenge men face as adult friendships atrophy.
  • Importance of humility and non-attachment to outcomes: “If we can let go of the outcome and focus on the process, that's going to be what really sets us free. …I can control the way that I carry myself...I cannot control your response.”
    (Kwame, 19:17)

Focusing on Process Over Outcome

• Process-driven growth (21:47):

  • Distinction between ambition and impatience—impatience tries to “skip the line.”
  • “Divorce yourself from the outcome and marry yourself to the process.”
    (Kwame, 22:05)

• Conversation as deliberate practice:

  • Reflect after every conversation—What did I do well? What could I improve?
  • “Everything’s practice. If I keep on growing and developing, the conversations that I have this year will pale in comparison… of next year.”
    (Kwame, 23:42)

Parenting & Coaching Through Conversation (29:13)

• Raising resilient kids:

  • Focus on effort and attitude, not fixed ability or immediate outcome.
  • Teach kids how to think (curiosity, self-reflection), not just what to do.
  • “I’m not trying to tell them what to do. I’m trying to teach them how to think.”
    (Kwame, 32:52)

• Reframing stories for kids’ self-perception:

  • Emphasize micro-wins and the journey.
  • Celebrate progress and process, not just results.

Compassionate Curiosity: The Framework for Difficult Conversations (37:01)

• Compassionate Curiosity Framework:

  1. Acknowledge & validate emotions:
     • “It seems like this is really frustrating for you…” Name emotions to calm the conversation.
  2. Ask open-ended, compassionate questions:
     • Avoid “why” (feels judgmental); use “what” or “how.”
  3. Collaborative problem solving:
     • Position as partners facing the issue together: “You and me versus the problem.”
  • “If you ever don’t know what to say next, the next thing you should say should come in the form of a question…”
    (Kwame, 37:21)
  • “Name it to tame it.” (Kwame, 39:47)

• The neuroscience behind emotion in conflict:

  • Amygdala (emotion) vs. frontal lobe (reason). You must calm the emotion to reach reason.

• Easier than it sounds:

  • It works if you aim for resolution rather than “winning” the argument.
  • “If you win an argument, congratulations, you’re the biggest in the room.” (Shawn, 41:52)

Applying Compassionate Curiosity Internally

• Self-reflection as negotiation (45:05):
  • Use the same framework for internal dialogue: identify and label emotions, get curious about your own motives, and decide on the next steps with compassion.

Determination Defined in Negotiation (47:19)

• Kwame's definition:

  • “Determination is when you make an agreement with yourself and you keep the promise.”
    (Kwame, 47:19)
  • Begin with the end in mind, then problem-solve backward from your commitment.

• Dealing with adversity:

  • “No matter how legitimate...we will almost always underestimate how hard it will be...But for me in life, when I think about determination, it’s like no, I’ve committed to this outcome.”
    (Kwame, 48:17)

Discipline and Integrity with Self (51:49)

• Discipline is keeping your word to yourself:
  • The hardest contract to maintain is the one no one else can see.
  • Celebrate moments of discipline to strengthen future resolve.

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On self-respect:

  • “The payoff isn’t necessarily that the conversation always goes well. The payoff is that I turn myself into a man that I respect.” (Kwame, 07:50)

• On process vs. outcome:

  • “A lot of times people will say they are ambitious when they’re just impatient.” (Kwame, 21:53)

• On diagnostic self-reflection:

  • “I wasn’t born this way. I was built this way, just brick by brick. And…the person listening to this podcast, they can do the same thing too.” (Kwame, 09:59)

• On letting go of control:

  • “I can control the way I carry myself… I cannot control your response.” (Kwame, 19:17)

• On celebrating micro-wins:

  • “We do ourselves a disservice by not taking the opportunity to celebrate our wins and recognizing the micro wins that lead to the macro wins.” (Kwame, 33:09)

• On self-discipline:

  • “I made a contract with myself. …keeping your word to yourself is the easiest thing to break because no one else can see it.” (Shawn, 54:41)

• On compassionate curiosity (framework):

  • “As long as you remember the term, [compassionate curiosity], that alone will be a very powerful signal for what you need to do in the conversation.” (Kwame, 37:07)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:15] — Kwame’s childhood and origin of people-pleasing
• [06:31] — Mentor’s advice: being liked vs. being respected
• [11:33] — Internal negotiation & managing fear
• [14:01] — Changing or ending relationships through hard conversations
• [19:17] — “Control what you can control”—letting go of outcome
• [21:47] — Deliberate practice & process over results
• [29:13] — Coaching children with curiosity and celebrating effort
• [37:01] — Compassionate Curiosity Framework for conversations
• [45:05] — Applying compassion and curiosity to self
• [47:19] — Definition of determination in negotiation
• [51:49] — Application of self-discipline: small choices and self-trust

Tone & Takeaways

This episode is exceptionally warm, vulnerable, and actionable. Both Shawn and Kwame model openness—discussing failures, internal fears, and the hard-earned strategies that led them to personal and professional growth. Their conversation moves fluidly between practical negotiation techniques, psychological insights, and stories from their own journeys as men, fathers, and partners.

Listeners leave with clear frameworks (especially compassionate curiosity), encouragement to face hard conversations, and the reminder that real determination is grounded in self-respect and repeated, small acts of self-trust.

For more insights, connect with Kwame Christian on [Instagram and LinkedIn], or listen to his podcast, Negotiate Anything.