The Determined Society with Shawn French
Episode: "No Participation Trophies: The Hard Truth About Courage & Confidence"
Date: September 5, 2025
Guests: Juan Bendanya (Confidence Coach, Author)
Episode Overview
In this candid and motivational episode, host Shawn French sits down with confidence coach and author Juan Bendanya to dig deep into the real roots of confidence, courage, and overcoming the “participation trophy” mentality that plagues modern culture. They explore the journey from insecurity to self-assurance, the dangers of a comfort-seeking society, how to genuinely earn confidence, and why facing fear is vital for growth. With humor, warmth, vulnerability, and actionable wisdom, they challenge listeners to build resilience, pursue uncomfortable growth, and stop settling for empty validation.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The Participation Trophy Culture and Its Consequences
- The conversation opens with a critique of the mindset that celebrates mere participation rather than genuine achievement.
- Shawn: “There’s nothing that drives me more crazy than the entitlement factor of you’re perfect the way you are.” (00:58)
- Juan: “Sometimes you aren’t enough...confidence is something that you earn.” (01:15)
- Both highlight the riskiness of teaching self-worth without requiring effort, suggesting it leads to stagnation and a lack of resilience.
2. Juan’s Early Struggles: Finding Identity and Overcoming Rock Bottom
- Juan shares his story of being a socially anxious child from a Nicaraguan family in Canada, struggling to fit in both linguistically and culturally.
- Felt out of place due to appearance and name, leading to a "chameleon" mentality to fit in with every group. (02:15)
- Attempts to cope with discomfort led to food and alcohol abuse, eventually spiraling into binge eating and an ambulance trip for alcohol poisoning. (03:55)
- Rock bottom became his catalyst for change: “I needed to hit that low point to be like, enough is enough. This needs to change now.” (03:55)
3. The Role of Upbringing and Cultural Conditioning in Confidence
- Both hosts reflect on how family environments shape relationships with food, comfort, and validation:
- Shawn: Shares memories from American family gatherings filled with food, reinforcing comfort-eating patterns. (07:05)
- Juan: Adds perspective from Hispanic culture—if you didn’t get seconds at family gatherings, it meant you didn’t like the food, leading to eating for love/connection. (11:16)
- These experiences, even from youth, can dictate self-worth and confidence well into adulthood.
4. The Confidence Audit: Building True Self-Belief
- Juan: “People at the highest level actually experience more self-doubt...they just have a different relationship with it. They see doubt as a signal to grow, not to stop.” (12:33)
- Recommends a “confidence audit”—assess all life areas (relationships, health, finances, career) to find strengths and weaknesses.
- Borrow strategies from areas of high confidence and apply them to weaker zones. (13:00)
- “Whatever you give energy to will grow. Even if it’s negativity, stress, or self-doubt.” (15:35)
5. Earning Confidence: Action, Discipline, and “Stacking Wins”
- Shawn’s personal journey: extreme accountability in health led to positive changes rippling into every other area of life. (15:58)
- Juan: “Confidence is something that you earn, not something that you just have.” (18:13)
- Hot take: “If you get under a rack and put on an extra 10 lbs and can’t do it, that means you’re not enough for that lift. Yet.” (18:35)
- Both agree that winning should be associated with effort and adversity—adults should let kids lose so they can learn true resilience.
6. Separating Failure From Identity & Celebrating the Journey
- Juan: “Let’s separate the fact that the result was a failure versus you are a failure...focus on the output, not just the outcome.” (23:30)
- Achieving a goal often loses its luster; true fulfillment resides in the pursuit and the person you become along the way.
- “The actual win is the path. The prize is the path.” (25:53)
- Both discuss the trap of an ever-moving yardstick—success is a journey, not a destination.
7. Finding Joy in the Struggle & the Science of Progress
- It’s hard to enjoy hard things, but growth—more than outcome—fuels real happiness.
- Reference to scientific studies showing increasing income (not absolute amount) correlates with increased happiness, tying back to the value of progress. (27:30)
- Shawn: “When I hit a goal, I actually mourn it, because I miss the pursuit.” (29:23)
8. The Social Media Highlight Reel and the Reality of Persistence
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Society’s obsession with public wins and celebrations on social media hides the struggle and comparison trap.
- Juan’s story of getting 27 rejections before landing his Penguin Random House book deal. (32:18)
- Shawn shares a parallel story with identical rejection numbers, underscoring that persistence is the common denominator for breakthrough.
Juan: “What genuinely breaks my heart is that most people quit right before something was going to work. They were one thing away.” (33:48)
9. The Shark-Diving Story: Redefining Fear and Courage
- Juan shares an unforgettable story of open-water, no-cage shark diving in Hawaii to illustrate the coexistence of fear and courage. (36:16)
- “We pre-experience fear—like previews of a movie. The alarms were going off before we even got in the water. But once we were doing it, the fear didn’t matter. Everyone was elated afterwards. Except the one person who didn't get in.” (36:16–40:53)
- Fear and courage are present simultaneously; you can't wait to be “ready”—growth demands embracing discomfort.
10. Questioning Fear: Is It Protective or Limiting?
- Many fears are proxies for deeper issues (fear of judgment, failure, or not being enough).
- “Next-level growth is going to be found in the fear you’re avoiding, not in what you’re already good at.” (43:36)
- Shawn and Juan agree that doing things scared—not waiting for perfect conditions—is vital for building real confidence.
11. Handling Hard Better & The Dangers of a “Too-Easy” Society
- “Don’t wish for it to be easier. Wish for you to handle hard better.” (48:22)
- Modern comfort—from food delivery to bingeable media—removes friction but also opportunities for growth and fulfillment.
- “It’s never been easier to feel good, but it’s never been harder to feel fulfilled.” (50:13)
- Both reminisce about “wait a week for the show” days and how requiring effort/patience builds confidence.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- Juan: "The courage you need is in the fear you're avoiding." (36:16–41:37)
- Shawn (on his son's participation trophy): "He looked at it and goes, 'What the hell is this for?'...You did nothing to earn that." (20:49)
- Juan: “The people at the highest level of performance experience more self-doubt than those just starting out—they just have a different relationship with doubt.” (12:33)
- Juan: “Don’t wish for it to be easier. Wish for you to handle hard better.” (48:22)
- Shawn: “When I hit a goal, I actually mourn it, because I miss the pursuit, the chase, the work.” (29:23)
- Juan: “It’s never been easier to feel good, but it’s never been harder to feel fulfilled.” (50:13)
Timestamps for Important Segments
- 00:58 – Rant on participation trophies & entitlement
- 02:15–07:05 – Juan's personal background & struggles
- 11:16 – Cultural upbringing and confidence formation
- 12:33–15:35 – The confidence audit and borrowing from strengths
- 18:13 – “Confidence is earned” and the case against participation trophies
- 20:49 – Shawn’s son questions his participation trophy
- 23:30–27:30 – Outcome vs. output, celebrating the journey
- 32:18–35:13 – Both recount 27 rejections before a book deal
- 36:16–41:37 – Shark diving story: fear, courage, and missed opportunity
- 43:36 – Questioning fear for deeper understanding
- 48:22–51:32 – Building resilience in a comfort-obsessed society
- 53:53–55:20 – Nostalgia for effortful living & confidence built through challenge
Closing Thoughts
This episode is a clinical deconstruction of the myths around confidence and the resentment towards easy, unearned validation. Shawn and Juan refuse to sugarcoat the journey: real confidence and courage are forged through adversity, persistent pursuit, and facing precisely the things you’d rather avoid. Listeners are challenged to audit their lives, question their fears, refuse empty trophies, and learn to love the process—not just the win.
Where to find Juan’s book:
- Website: juanbendanya.com
- Book: Confident by Choice (available wherever books are sold)
Summary by PodcastGPT (2024)