The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett

Episode: Most Replayed Moment: What Women Really Want In A Man! Don’t Do This On A First Date!

Date: December 5, 2025

Episode Overview

This “most replayed” segment from The Diary Of A CEO explores the fundamental question: What do women truly want in a man? Steven Bartlett and his guest, a dating and relationship expert, dig deep into the psychology and behaviors that drive attraction, connection, and sustaining relationships in the modern dating landscape. The conversation covers seduction dynamics, first-date pitfalls, masculine and feminine communication styles, the illusion of attraction, and the paradoxical expectations of long-term partnership today.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Truth Behind What Women Say They Want in a Man

• Common Advice is Incomplete
  • When asked what they want, women often list qualities like kindness, safety, and love, but “they just want them from the men that they're attracted to.” (03:00)
  • Notable Quote:
    • “They want the men they're attracted to to be kind and to be loving and to be generous and to make them feel safe. But it's not like being kind and generous and making women feel safe is going to lead them to feeling attracted to you.”
      — Dating and Relationship Expert (02:24)

2. Becoming More Attractive: Practical and Deeper Steps

• Actionable Areas for Men (03:24-04:00)
  • Dress better
  • Good hygiene
  • Physical fitness
  • Learn how to talk—specifically, how to connect emotionally, not just intellectually.
• The Key to Seduction is the Mind
  • “The most vulnerable organ in a woman to seduction is her mind, is her brain… That is her biggest erogenous zone.” (03:43)
• Emotional Resonance vs. Logic
  • Women crave “emotional resonance”—communication that evokes emotion, not just facts.
  • “Masculine communication is about the conveyance of information… Feminine communication is very different. It's more like emotional resonance.” (04:05-05:10)
  • Notable Analogy: Tuning forks—feeling the same emotion signals true understanding.

3. The Danger of “Talking Too Much” on First Dates

• Mystery is Key
  • Men often overshare to prove their value, which destroys the fantasy that drives attraction.
  • “You’re not on this date because you like me… You're here because of what you hope I might be. So I need to be very careful not to disabuse you of that hope too quickly.” (12:14-12:45)
• Notable Concept:
  • Transitioning from attraction to connection should be “a slow and gradual disappointment… so that you’re truly known—but not all at once.” (13:20)

4. The “Crisis of Disappointment” and When Real Relationships Start

• Every New Relationship Hits It
  • All relationships face a moment when initial fantasies break, and you see your partner as they are.
  • “The crisis of disappointment is one of the first crises that all nascent relationships must pass through.” (13:40)
  • Only after this do relationships “begin in earnest.” (14:45)

5. Sexual Marketplace Dynamics and “Top 10% Men”

• Modern Imbalance
  • The top 10% of men are having most of the sex, paralleling patterns seen in animal hierarchies.
  • “When women are able and empowered to make their own sexual decisions… they target the top 10% of men.” (17:06)
• Implication:
  • Creates challenges for both men and women: High-status men are reluctant to settle, and many average men are left out.

6. Value Exchange in Relationships: Beyond Finances

• It’s About Scarce Resources & Emotional Needs

  • “Value is anything that can be bought or earned.” (19:30)
  • Types of value exchanged: sex, security, excitement, emotional support, child-rearing (19:45-20:00)

• Expectations Have Intensified

  • Today, “we expect one person to be all things across our entire lives,” a tall order given the isolation of the nuclear family. (21:02-21:53)
  • "The love marriage in particular may even be a paradox." (21:53)

7. The Paradox of Long-Term Passion and Stability

• Modern Dilemma
  • It’s hard to maintain passion, novelty, and sexual excitement over decades while expecting emotional stability and predictability from the same person.
  • “The best you can hope for is to vacillate between the two… just enough passion or spontaneity and risk to keep the bedroom alive but still maintaining the stability of the relationship.” (21:53-22:22)
  • Novelty—travel, role play, changing contexts—can help; “foreign bedsheets” can reignite attraction. (23:00)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On attraction:
  • “Everyone can be more attractive than they currently are.” — Dating and Relationship Expert (03:09)
• On first dates:
  • “Most men blow the first date by talking too much… all they do is succeed in disabusing that woman of the fantasy that she had.” (12:14)
• On sexual dynamics:
  • “When women are able… to make their own sexual decisions… they target the top 10% of men.” (17:06)
• On happily-ever-after:
  • “The love marriage in particular may even be a paradox in terms…” (21:53)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:11] What actually makes a man attractive to women
• [03:09-04:03] Practical tips: dressing, hygiene, communication
• [04:03-06:40] Masculine vs. feminine communication styles
• [12:14-13:20] First-date mistakes: oversharing, fantasy vs. reality
• [13:38-14:45] The “crisis of disappointment”—when real relationships begin
• [16:03-17:06] Modern sexual marketplace: top 10% men & polygamy
• [18:06-21:53] Value exchange—beyond money and into social & emotional needs
• [21:53-23:44] The challenge of sustaining passion & novelty in long-term relationships

Final Thoughts

This episode dives into the paradoxical, often counterintuitive truths of attraction and relationship-building. The conversation demystifies common myths, stresses the importance of emotional communication, and highlights both the transient nature of initial attraction and the immense challenge—and creativity—in sustaining love over decades.

Listen to the full episode for a deeper exploration of these themes and personal anecdotes.