The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett

Most Replayed Moment: Why Does Commitment Feel So Scary? How to Build a Strong, Lasting Relationship
Date: October 24, 2025

Episode Overview

In this standout moment from The Diary Of A CEO, Steven Bartlett explores the complexities of commitment, marriage, and long-term relationships. He questions modern relationship norms inherited from society, religion, and history, and debates whether these traditions still serve us or require reevaluation. The discussion tackles declining marriage rates, the nature of commitment anxiety, the value of partnership, and the evolving criteria by which we choose life partners. Grounded in candid self-reflection, data, and psychology, the conversation offers practical and profound advice for anyone navigating relationships today.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Questioning Traditional Relationship Norms

• Steven opens by challenging societal constructs around relationships – marriage, monogamy, and even heterosexuality – noting that marriage rates are at historic lows.
  • "I often wonder how many of the rules of relationships that we've been handed by society are now invalid or maybe were never valid." (00:03)
• He reflects on personally feeling agnostic about marriage, despite societal and partner expectations.

2. The Purpose and Incentives of Marriage

• Guest predicts increased government incentives for marriage as nuclear family structures and birth rates decline (01:31–03:20).
  • “You’re going to see government heavily involved in incentivizing marriage ... as you also see birth rates declining as they are.” (01:48)
• Discussion of economic and legal incentives for marriage, but with a focus on values-based decision-making.

3. Downsides and Anxiety Around Commitment

• Steven expresses concern over the constraints and downsides of legal marriage, referencing friends’ financial and emotional stress from weddings and the difficulty of divorce (04:23–05:55).
  • “The whole charade of like doing a massive wedding I think is a little bit weird. ... One big event which is stressing them both out.” (04:25)
• He likens marriage contracts to restrictive football club contracts, emphasizing freedom of exit (05:23).

4. Making Marriage More Meaningful – Not Harder to Escape

• The guest advocates for:
  • Greater rigor before marriage (e.g., premarital counseling) but easier exit should the relationship fail (06:01–07:41).
  • “Marriages, in my opinion, should be much harder to get into ... but then if you want out, you should be able to get out in an hour.” (06:25)
• Steven admits personal commitment issues: “I think I just have commitment issues. I think that's probably what it is.” (08:29)

5. Fear of Lifelong Commitment

• Both discuss the psychological weight of “till death do us part” and how it can breed perfectionism or fear of making the “wrong” choice.
  • “Isn't it just a terrible idea to commit to someone till death do you part? ... You become a perfectionist.” (09:24)
• Guest reframes lifelong commitment as a myth; in practice, divorce exists and satisfaction is not guaranteed by permanence (10:01–10:37).

6. Upsides of Stable Partnership

• Steven argues for the pragmatic upsides of a stable relationship:
  • Emotional stability, increased focus for entrepreneurs, higher odds of working through problems, and statistically longer, healthier lives (11:08–12:43).
  • “When you know that it's hard to get out of, it means that exiting isn’t the path of least resistance ... you’re more likely to fight to fix the thing.” (12:01)

7. The Investment Model Theory & Relationship Success Predictors

• Guest introduces the Investment Model Theory: greater investment in the partnership leads to higher satisfaction, backed by research (13:28–13:59).
• Success is closely tied to individual well-being (14:13–15:10).
  • “High satisfaction has a strong correlation around well-being.”

8. What Makes a Great Partner?

• Key criteria are:
  • Self-awareness and commitment to well-being
  • Open-mindedness and curiosity
  • Resilience (15:16–17:18)
  • “You have a partner who's resilient, ... who's open minded, ... focused and nurturing their well-being. You have a great partner.” (17:07)

9. Societal Change and Dating Disparities

• Steven notes shifting social trends: women surpassing men in education, preferences for "dating up," and the resulting loneliness and disenfranchisement among many men (18:23–22:19).
  • “Women are more educated. The top 10% of men seem to be having all of the sex ... this bottom 50% are somewhat disenfranchised.” (18:39)
• Guest stresses interrogating narratives handed down by society and extending more grace to men (19:45–21:32).

10. Evolution, Socialization & Partner Preferences

• Both weigh evolutionary biology vs. social scripting in mate selection (24:45–29:07).
  • Steven points out persistent evolutionary preferences such as height.
  • Guest explains that while genetic and biological preferences exist (e.g., symmetry, scent, body proportions), societal messages strongly shape attraction.

11. Self-Esteem Dictates Attraction

• Unique insight: Individual self-esteem hugely influences attraction and mate choice (33:19–34:53).
  • “The lower your self-esteem, the more dependent you are on the validation of the public. So therefore you will want to have a partner who is considered to be attractive.” (33:29)
  • People with high self-esteem are less bound by societal beauty standards in their mate choices.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On questioning rules:
  “I can't understand the first principles as to why having a government or religious contract with somebody is going to increase the probability of success in the union of love.” — Steven, (03:43)

• On the pain of weddings and rigidity of marriage:
  “I've got one particular friend who is having to cancel so much of their everyday joy to save up for this one big event which is stressing them both out.” — Steven, (04:55)

• On rigor before marriage and ease of exit:
  “There needs to be hurdles in place ... But then if you want out, you should be able to get out in an hour. It should be easy.” — Guest, (06:25)

• On the fear of commitment:
  “When I'm getting anxiety, as you say, I'm like, oh, the rest of my life.” — Steven, (09:01)

• On stable partnership as a ‘base camp’ for growth:
  “As an entrepreneur ... to have a partner at home. ... You need a stable base.” — Steven, (11:08)

• On what matters in a partner:
  “How open minded are they? How much do they lean in? How curious are they? ... How resilient are they?” — Guest, (17:04)

• On self-esteem and attraction:
  “Whenever you see someone ... and you say they look odd, right? ... Normally what's happened is that you have someone with high self-esteem who has no need for the public's validation of their partner at all.” — Guest, (34:53)

Important Timestamps for Reference

• 00:03–01:12: Questioning historical and cultural relationship norms
• 04:23–05:55: Downsides of marriage ceremonies and divorce
• 06:01–07:41: Rethinking entry/exit barriers to marriage
• 09:24–10:37: Fear and myths of lifelong commitment
• 11:08–12:43: Practical upsides of marriage/partnership
• 13:28–13:59: Investment Model Theory explained
• 15:16–17:18: Three fundamental partner traits: well-being, curiosity, resilience
• 18:23–22:19: Societal changes, dating market, and men’s loneliness
• 24:45–29:07: Evolution, partner preference, and the push-pull between biology and social norms
• 33:19–34:53: Self-esteem’s quiet power over attraction

Conclusion

This replayed episode artfully dissects the psychological, societal, and evolutionary forces influencing love, commitment, and long-term partnership. It invites listeners to question inherited norms, confront personal fears, and develop self-awareness and resilience as foundations for lasting relationships. Both data-driven and deeply personal, this discussion is an enlightening guide to navigating love in a fast-changing world.