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- [00:01]
Celsius Energy Drink Narrator
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Narrator of Reddit Addiction and Confession Stories
I am just going to give a general warning for this entire video the following content we'll be going through today is deeply disturbing and graphic. From extreme and graphic self harm to someone possibly unaliving themself to heavy drug abuse and death, this is your warning. Click off if that's too much for you. Reddit A place on the Internet where various people come together to share their thoughts and real life experiences with one another. A place for conversation, debates and the like. Many people use Reddit for various reasons, whether it's being part of a community of something you really enjoy, to using it as a news source to stay up to date with real world events. But what happens when someone uses it is a cry for help or to announce their plans of something truly sinister and dangerous. Well, that's what we're going to explore today. Here are some very disturbing posts on Reddit. One. On Monday morning of September 14, 2009, a user by the name of Spontaneoush made an unsettling post on the popular subreddit ima. A popular subreddit very similar to Ask Me Anything and pretty much the same premise. This is a subreddit that many people visit to sort of allow redditors to interview them and literally ask whatever they want to know. Oftentimes, even celebrities and well known figures used this subreddit as a way of interacting and engaging with their fans. Unfortunately, however, this wasn't one of those occasions. Spontaneous H had made a deadly decision, one that would lead to the unraveling of their very existence and could lead to fatal consequences. Little did they know how much this very decision would change everything for them in the worst ways imaginable. The post was titled I Did Heroin yesterday. I am not a drug user and have never done anything besides pot back when I was a teen. Ask me anything. We are going to go through Spontaneous H's story first by reading everything they shared from this experience. This is a little long. I have never been a drug user. I drink once in a while and smoked pot years ago back when I was a teen in high school a few times and that's it. I'm 24 now, have a master's and a well paying full time job. Yesterday I was walking through Washington Square park where I pass every day and there are always people there looking to sell drugs. Not in the park anymore due to cameras, but it is well known you can meet a dealer there and then do the transaction elsewhere. These days they usually don't solicit drugs to you unless you stop to stand around near one of them for some reason or look like you're looking for something. Yesterday I happened to stop by a row of benches to check some messages on my phone when a dealer on the bench to my right asks me if I need anything. My life has been pretty boring the last few years and I feel like I haven't really lived, taken any risks or done anything crazy. So I figured what the hell, maybe I'll buy some pot. It's been a while. I said yeah and after asking me several times if I'm a cop, he gives me his number and tells me to meet him at a fast food place several blocks away and he will hook me up. I say alright and nervously check to make sure I have cash and go meet this shady looking dude. We sit down and after hounding me, asking me if I'm a cop, he asks what I need. I tell him I just want a dime back and he says something like nah, sorry man, I only sell half ounces, you can take that and I've got some coke and H at this point I didn't want to buy half an ounce of pot. I probably never smoked more than an eighth in my life. But then I started considering his last word. Heroin. I've heard so much about it and how crazy addictive it is and seen it in movies and tv. I'm thanking the Wire here, one of my favorite shows and it really started to intrigue me. I've always wondered what it would be like to do heroin. Out of nowhere I say I'll take the H and we do the deal there. I give him the cash under the table and he signs me a small order of fries with a little stamped wax baggie in it. Then he tells me to let him leave. First I put it in my pocket then nervously race home, my heart racing, cannot believe what I just did. I held onto that bag in my pocket, palms sweating the whole ride home. When I get home I open the bag and dump some golden flakes and powder on my glass coffee table. At this point I don't even know what to do. I know you can snort heroin but it looked all flaky so I try to remember how they did it in the movies but they always seem to inject it in film. So I start googling how to snore heroin like an idiot and do a little research on the stuff and how much to take. I used a card to get it into a fine powder and move a small bump to the side which I inhaled through a dollar bill. I didn't feel anything yet so I snorted a small line which was essentially half the bag. There was very little inside. I waited and in a few minutes I had the most pleasurable feeling of pure relaxation and bliss wash over me. I just sat there and everything felt amazing. I nodded off and it was great. I had the TV on but wasn't paying attention. I must have sat around for four hours doing nothing but feel total pleasure. It was like a full body orgasm x 10 that kept going on and on. When I would nod off it felt like I was in a pure conscious, lucid, dreamlike state. Sometimes it felt like I was leaving my body. At this point I did the rest of it and stayed up all night and must have been high for 10 hours straight. I might have slept at one point. It's hard to tell the difference when you nod off and everything feels good regardless. Just the feeling of being under a blanket was amazing. I was blown away by the power of this drug and just how orgasmic it felt. I never understood why people did drugs before and got so hooked on them, but now I see why. I have the urge to do it again, but I will resist and not do it, at least not for a long time. I understand the addiction potential and how someone can easily tear apart their lives with this stuff. Heroin is pure powdered pleasure. I actually feel proud of myself for having the balls to do something this crazy and I feel like it was a valuable life experience and my window into another world and part of society. I will never forget the day I did heroin. Now ask me anything. After making the post, many redditors obviously showed concern, while others even applauded them for trying something new and being alive to tell the story while others heavily related to the blissful experience. One Redditor chimed in, yes, opioid molecules are the best on earth. It really is the greatest feeling life has to offer. Unfortunately, once I got a taste for that feeling it it was all over. Opioids are the most addictive drugs on the planet. Once your body gets addicted, the withdrawal is pure hell. Be very, very careful not to ingest the stuff every day because in a matter of a week you will be completely addicted. I was very surprised at how fast my tolerance went up and how fast I was craving the stuff. I'm now clean of it and taking Suboxone to minimize the withdrawal. It has helped, but I can never take another opioid without my body going completely crazy for it. Enjoy it, but save it for a rainy day. Opioid addiction nearly killed me with another Redditor stating not a question, just a suggestion based on knowledge gained from years as a heroin addict. Don't do it again. Ever. There is nothing so terrible in this world as heroin withdrawals. It takes doing heroin every day or every other day for about two, three months to get your first habit, but that time goes by real fast when you are high. Just leave it alone. Seriously. There are many others who weighed in as well, but at the end of the day the general consensus is all the same. This was a horrible and life running decision and not something anyone should ever try to experience. But unfortunately it was too late for Spontaneous H. The damage was done. Spontaneous H didn't take too kindly to some of the comments on their post. Following up with an update. Please no more comments telling me I'm going to be a homeless addict dying of an overdose. Now don't lecture me with all your misconceptions and lack of any real knowledge or experience about the drug. I understand if you know someone who has been hurt by it. We all do. Any drug can ruin lives. Please ask me questions instead of trying to lecture me and do some research first before spewing lies. UPDATE 2 I don't regret this at all and I see a lot of talk about how cocaine isn't as bad as heroin and people telling anyone considering trying a hard drug to do coke instead. I've known and seen a lot of heavy coke users, many who have become addicted and OD'd and I find it disturbing that people think coke is acceptable because some higher class circles find it socially acceptable. I'm thanking the young Wall street and college crowds here who associate it with money and being cool and is easily manageable to use for recreation while society tells them that heroin is for the poor and the destitute and leads to automatic addiction and suffering. So I plan to try cocaine the next chance I get and compare the two in terms of effects and experience. Doing heroin was memorable and life changing and I know I can handle anything once I've done my research on coke and know the risks. So if anyone has any questions or opinions on that matter, feel free to chime in. Whether it is to tell me I'm a fucking idiot or to give me advice, whatever. This is an experiment and an adventure in life. I'll report back once I try it. Spontaneous H Returned with an update two weeks later this is where things begin to take a very disturbing turn. What was supposed to just be a thrilling first time experience they lived through to talk about with strangers on the Internet had now culminated into a deep dark spiral that they couldn't escape from. The second post was two weeks ago. I tried heroin once for fun and made an ama. I have been using since and shot up for the first time today. Ask Me Anything was posted on Sunday, September 27th, 2009 at nearly 2:00am Wednesday night. Fucking. I'm still withdrawing, throwing up and sweating out gallons of sweat. I really want to use and relapse right now. I know I shouldn't. These urges are so strong and overpowering. Please help me if you can before I get the chance to Thousand Comment Update Fuck my life. I wish I was trolling and this was all some elaborate lie. I was doing everything right, have been clean and somehow a rumor got out that I've been using and my girlfriend found out and she basically broke up with me last night but is now putting that decision on hold. I have some serious unrelated business work I need to attend to in two hours and I don't know if I'll be in any state to be able to and be ready. I can't stop crying. Fuck heroin. Fuck my life. I guess I don't need to say that since heroin pretty much fucked my life for me in under two weeks. I just want to die. NA Update went to na. I shared my story and it seemed to hit a lot of people. I cried, I got a lot of support and numbers and I feel like I'm in a good place and truly believe I never have to use again. I will be going back Update Whatever. I slept for about 30 hours, sweat out my entire body and now I feel okay. I also took a shit for the first time in like a week which was pretty awesome. I can stop this on my own. I don't even think I need an A but but I'm not ruling it out. I have no craving or desire to do heroin. I'm sure some of you will be quick to say I need real support, and maybe you're right, but right now I think I'll be okay. New update. I appreciate all the genuine concern and advice. I finished my stash. Bad idea, but too late. Threw out my needles and am too faded to respond to comments for now. When I sober up in a couple hours I'll check out some NA meetings. I nodded off after taking another hit at 4am and couldn't be bothered to look at this anymore and just woke up with a sore headache. For those of you who think I'm a troll because I can do heroin and type well with good grammar, fuck off. It's not that hard if you type slowly and carefully without looking at the screen. The screen is a blur and too bright and it's challenging, but I would rather post coherently than like an idiot. I know it's hard to believe someone dumb enough to do heroin is intelligent. In other regards, comments disintegrated into mindless bandwagon accusations of being a troll. I wanted to engage in a discussion and I know I need help and my mind isn't exactly right. I'll sift through the posts and respond to the genuine ones once I feel better. For the people calling fake, is this enough proof for you? Many redditors didn't believe in spontaneous age, claiming this was lies and for attention. So eventually spontaneous H included proof. However, for the sake of being safe, I've blurred out the image. Do you want to see my track marks too? They're not pretty and this is under 24 hours after first shooting up. I'm not proud of any of this and posted it here because I can't tell anyone in my life and don't want to keep it to myself. I figured doing another IAMA would give me the opportunity to talk about my issues anonymously and help me realize the extent of my problem through feedback. The assholes saying this is all fake trolling can fuck themselves. People can post about being prostitutes and all sorts of things that harm a large number of other people, but dismiss someone on the track to become an addict who needs help and just wants to talk and maybe help some other people from making the same mistakes. I appreciate the people giving legitimate advice and asking questions. I'm going to the next NA meeting I can find. I know there will be A lot of people telling me I told you so and urging me to seek help and they are right. That's all good. And trust me, I know the danger I am in of ruining my life, but let's please keep this an ama. First and foremost, I will be checking out an NA meeting this week and I know I am on a fast track to becoming an addict and I want to stop it before it gets out of control and I am physically addicted. No one in my life can know about this and I want to stop before it is too late. I have been using for two, three day periods, then taking a couple of days off, then using again. The breaks were in part to try not to get hooked and in part because I had an unreliable dealer who charged me more than double what I should be paying. I got ripped off several times when I tried to buy off the street. My former dealer is the guy who I first bought from. Today I met a guy through some Internet channels who said he could get bundles 10 small bags of heroin for significantly less than half the price my old dealer gave me on his most fair deal. He also happened to be an IV user and had a stash of sealed needles and supplies and offered to shoot me up. I had kind of hoped I would find someone who would, and he was a pro. Finding my small hidden veins and injecting a bag in one shot. To quote Trainspotting, take the best orgasm you've ever had, multiply by a thousand and you're still nowhere near it. He gave me some new needles and tourniquets and when I got home I tried to do it myself. After not hitting a vein countless times, I finally got a red flag and was good to go. I have injected five bags since 4pm the last one a little less than an hour ago, and am tempted to do one more. Ask me anything. Forgive me for any delays if I nod off. Spontaneous H has now gone to a place that they truly cannot turn back from. At this point, something many of the fellow Redditors desperately feared happened. That pleasurable night of feeling pure relaxation and bliss has fully evolved into hardcore addiction. This was truly devastating, with many of the Redditors rallying to show support, desperately begging spontaneous H to get help before it's too late. One fellow Redditor who had struggled with addiction in the past had this to oh dear, I'm an IV morphine addict, so I know where you're coming from. In my opinion, there's no going back now. You're going to be in for one hell of A ride. So you found heroin. You know you like it. Hell, you love it. Like the chase, like the catch, like the high. Opiates are like kissing God. And once you've tried them, there's no going back. If you don't clean up now or clean up soon, within a month, this is what you can expect. After a few days of continuous use, you will become physically dependent. The withdrawals from opiates are like the high, but turned inside out. Imagine how much pleasure you get from when you push the plunger all the way down and you feel the smack hit your brain and you just melt. Now turn it inside out. You can expect to be pissing out of your ass, freezing cold, yawning non stop, drippy nose, muscles and bones feel like they're breaking. And spontaneously combusting. No sleep, severe depression and ideas of suicide. The list goes on. Second, be prepared to lose everything that you have. You will lose your job, your family, your friends, your possessions, your apartment, everything. The longer you keep going, the more you lose. Eventually, once you've lost all your possessions in the physical realm, then the smack will take your soul with it. You will be a cardboard cutout of your former self. This is exactly how I felt in the depths of using. The lights were on, but nobody was home. Just an empty shell full of smack. There is a very likely chance that you will die. There is a very likely chance that you will end up in prison. There is a very likely chance that you will end up in the hospital. You will continue to be ripped off to no end. There are no friendly or honest dealers. You will go places you thought you would never go. So buckle up and enjoy the ride. You are now a junkie. Welcome to my life. Here's what helped me go to na. I am an atheist and I go to na. Keep an open mind and listen to what people have to say. These are likely the only people who will truly understand you and be able to help you. Don't hang out with any other drug users. This seems really obvious, but I have disobeyed this rule time and time again and ended up relapsing. Each time and each time coming closer and closer to dying. Think about the need to go onto a substitution program. If you find yourself using for a period longer than 6 months. Methadone. Suboxone may be the best solution to help you resume a normal life and keep that monkey off your back. I have been on Suboxone for one and a half years. It works if you take it. Feel free to message me if you want to vent or ask questions? I know where you are. I know where you're going. I remember the first time someone shot me up. I didn't think it was possible to even feel that good. And for pete's sake, if you're using IV just do it safely. See this this and try and find out if there is a syringe exchange program in your city. There you should be able to get all the supplies you need for free and anonymously. We have a super excellent program where I live. They will even drive to come meet you. Feel free to write me for any advice or just a talk. Good luck and welcome to the club. Spontaneous H replied back. I just logged back into this account and I can't believe that was four months ago. It seems like years. I am very lucky to have a supporting family, but it definitely strained all my relationships and threw my life way off course. I was using and fully addicted for about a month when I went on Suboxone and got cleaned up. That went well for 23 months and then I started fucking around with my Suboxone dosage and trying to get my tolerance low so I could get high from it. 2 milligrams or less per day down for 1624. I was I.V. ing my suboxone daily, discovered the needle exchanges and got pretty obsessed with the active IV use in itself. And after being on low doses of IV suboxone looking for a high and tasting it again, it was bound to happen. I relapsed and had an odd six eight weeks of switching back and forth between heroin and buprenorphine, often very rapidly, doing tiny gradual doses of Suboxone every 10 minutes hours after a several day dope binge that avoided the precipitated withdrawals associated with going on bube too soon after using opiates and I found a way to do it without being in withdrawal at all. I went for a week or so sober maybe. During that period it was usually 34 days of heroin, hydromorphone and or fentanyl IV. Then 34 days of getting back on Suboxone and feeling depressed and shitty with minor withdrawal symptoms. Just sweats, depression and loss of energy, then starting the process all over again. It was too easy to cheat because I could use all the opiates I wanted, then get right back on Suboxone without experiencing any major discomfort. Last week I stopped and got back on a high bup dosage of 24 milligrams a day. I'm pretty confident I'm done with dope. I'm lucky I didn't fuck myself over completely with that relapse and I needed to stop before I really did some serious damage to my life. I'm lucky I only lost cash, some trust and time. I don't want to think about how much I spent, but too much. Maybe a couple grand. I just know it could have been much worse. I'm lucky to be alive. I was IV ing a lot of fentanyl and that shit is playing with fire. I would extract 5 milligrams from a patch and prep a measured solution that I could IV. I got him to iving 1000 micrograms at a time, up to 15 milligrams in a several hour period, sometimes combined with a bundle or two of high quality diacetyl, morphine, HCL on some occasions and people have OD'd and died for much less. I would do it alone and I would have a shot of Narcan ready to inject into my thigh if I felt I was on the verge of od', ing, which luckily never happened. I also had powdered Suboxone and tablets at easy access to also stop a potential overdose. Buprenorphine is a good thing for people to keep around who don't have naloxone. It works and will throw someone out of an OD and into precipitated withdrawal pretty quick. You're definitely right that Suboxone works when you take it and I learned the hard way why they prescribe overly high doses. It is definitely for my own good to take more than I need and not get cravings or even be able to get high for several days if I was determined to. So on to this next chapter with my life and dealing with addiction. I hope I will never touch any opiate or opioid again other than buprenorphine for maintenance. Spontaneous followed this up with a few more posts, continuing their story and detailing their new road to recovery from this terrible life changing addiction to heroin. Monday, October 25, 2010 Now a year later, Spontaneous H writes I am a patient in a psychiatric hospital. I was also technically dead last week. Ask me anything. I am in one of the nation's finest hospitals and get Internet access in 30 minute intervals before having to restart my browsing session, which is kind of annoying along with the pesky web filter. I will be very grateful if anyone can help me get around it. All proxies I have tried are blocked. If you are reading this and know me, you probably already know who I am. Ask me anything. I can't believe it has been over a year since I discovered heroin and did the AMAs on here after first trying it and several months later. Time flies when you're an addict. Then just two days later, Spontaneous H made another I am a heroine opioid multisubstance addict with bipolar disorder headed to rehab tomorrow because I didn't listen to Reddit. I OD'd one week ago and am in a psych hospital. New AMA tomorrow. I leave the psychiatric unit to go to a substance abuse unit for a couple of weeks before heading to a long term residential rehab program. I was technically dead from a fentanyl overdose last week and was revived with multiple shots of Narcan. If I was found 10 minutes later, I would have been dead for good. According to ems, Reddit warned me I would become an addict when I did an AMA a little over a year ago after first trying heroin. Needless to say, I didn't listen and am paying the consequences. Whether or not it would have made a difference is questionable considering my personality. A staggering number of bipolar people become addicts. This is my third extremely close encounter with death from drugs in the last year. This is my third chance at life and I don't know if I will get any more ama. I get transferred to the rehab unit in like an hour, which is open door and has a lot of freedom and is even nicer than this unit. Yay. After so much struggle, Spontaneous H was finally on the right track. The plan now was to get clean, which was top priority. But their story isn't just over quite yet. Sunday, January 8, 20177 years later Spontaneous H returned with another update. Spontaneous Age 7 years later update for anyone who stumbles upon this account in the future. I don't know if anyone here remembers me, but you can look through my submissions history and get an idea. It's not pretty and will take you through a journey of my first time trying heroin to my life quickly falling apart. So take that as a warning. It's graphic. I was totally out of my mind and you may not want to read it depending on where you're at. This is the first time I have logged into this account in a couple of years and I had a bunch of PMs and people occasionally mention this account in various places on Reddit. So I'll post a quick update here for anyone who stumbles upon this in the future. I'm now almost six years clean from all drugs and alcohol and life is good. It's too difficult for me to go back and even read most of what I originally wrote seven years ago. Maybe one day I will be able to I don't even remember what I said in the first post, but I know I can look back objectively and say that things probably weren't as good and normal before I tried heroin that time as I made it seem in that first post. There were certainly warning signs before that with alcohol, weed, and other things that I had issues with substances. Although I probably couldn't admit it to myself at the time, I would have never tried it if things were truly going well for me. What followed in the later posts with where it took me was very real. Thanks for everyone who has reached out over the years. I hope everyone here is able to find recovery and get the help they need before concluding Spontaneous H's story. He did end up making one last post. Friday, September 24, 2021 it's been a while. This is not an AMA or anything exciting really. I saw a disturbing and sad post about an opioid OD on R publicfreakout and was reminded to try to login and check this. I guess it has been over three years since I checked this or posted anything. I find this Reddit account pretty overwhelming. I'm just posting to let people know that I am still alive, clean and doing well. Thanks to everyone who's reached out in messages, checking in over the past few years and sorry if I can't get back to you. And with that, that's the end of Spontaneous H's story, at least as far as we know. As you can already imagine, many of the Redditors that have followed this journey were all very happy and proud of them for getting clean and well, simply still being alive to give updates on their journey. While the road to recovery is a hard one to complete, Spontaneous H did it and fortunately after much turmoil came out on the other side.
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Narrator of Reddit Addiction and Confession Stories
2. I'm responsible for the deaths of several people posted 7 years ago in the ever so unsettling subreddit r Confessions by user misk997Confessions the Confessions subreddit is arguably one of the most interesting yet unsettling subreddits in existence today, ranging from some confessions of one owns infidelity to full on murder confessions. Although it's hard to really know for sure what is and isn't true without proper proof to validate its authenticity. Nonetheless, you'll still come across some of the most unsettling and bone chilling posts if you look deep enough like this1 around 4 years ago I was a vendor on the darknet. It was a relatively short lived thing. I was just doing it because I was too lazy to get a job and at the time didn't want to settle for the nine to five thing. I wanted to start my own business and use the drug money as a startup. I had been using myself for years. Along with that I met lots of people into the dealing scene and eventually started dealing myself. I have a lot of anxiety though, so I hated meeting up with people in parking lots and I definitely didn't want anyone to know where I lived. That's when I read about the Silk Road and Ross Ulbricht being caught. Got obsessed with the idea of it, got obsessed with learning opsec, all with the goal of eventually using my connections to start up my store. Well, after a couple of months I did. I started my store with three ketamine, meth and some outdoor weed my buddy was getting for super cheap. All was going good for a few months. Had a couple thousand get stolen in an exit scam, but I had about $25,000 saved at that point so it didn't ruin my life. Like a few vendors, I knew of. Eventually I met a local connect that came into town only once a week but had fucking anything I wanted. Mescaline, lsd, mushrooms, PCP even and fentanyl. At the time people weren't really cutting heroin with fentanyl. I mean I'm sure people did plenty, but it was not nearly as commonplace. Now people just did fentanyl and still do. I put all my addresses into an Excel spreadsheet along with their name, zip code, order along with the amount. At the time I was selling some super white powdered mescaline. The fentanyl was also a white powder, very similar consistency. Long story short, my Excel fucked up or I fucked up and about seven people's mescaline orders were filled in as fentanyl orders. They all went out, I didn't notice and kept doing my thing for a few days. After about five days someone contacted me and told me their friend died from my mescaline. I immediately called bullshit and went to check my order log and scale up how much I had of mescaline left. Well, I had about 11 grams more than I should have. I still don't know how the fuck it could have happened. I wasn't a user, but I was definitely high off dabs. I went to check my order log on the market to see if anyone had finalized on their purchase and a couple of them were, but none from a specific day, including the person that messaged me. No one that had purchased mescalin that day had finalized their orders. The market I was on also had a feature to see the user's last activity and none of them had logged in in at least three days, most two days. I immediately deactivated my vendor account. I didn't even need confirmation I knew what happened. I knew I had just killed several people. I sold the rest of my drugs, converted my bitcoin to cash and moved the fuck away. Didn't speak to anyone for weeks. Found a job in a restaurant, living in a city I always wanted to. I haven't touched drugs since that day. I haven't had anything to do with that life since then. I still think about them every night. I saved their names and googled them. A few days later I was able to find info on four customers that definitely died. One customer shared it with a friend. They both died. I don't know why I'm even posting this, mainly because I have no one to tell and even if I did, I don't think I could. I spend my day sober, clocking into work, clocking out of work, coming home and playing video games. I'm a complete recluse. People I used to know have distanced themselves immensely, and I know it's because I'm a shell of my former self. I can't help it. Could I even tell a therapist about this? I don't feel like I deserve to be alive. Am I really living anyway? I don't even know anymore. Maybe this will help me feel better. As far as I can tell, upon looking at Mesk997's profile, this was the one and only post they ever made. It's really hard to say whether this is a real genuine confession because as I said before, without any further proof or information to connect to this story, it's very uncertain of the accuracy. However, it is still one of the most chilling posts I have come across on the R Confession subreddit. As you can probably imagine, though, the feedback from the other Redditors was of course mixed with some feeling grateful even going as far as claiming it may have even saved their own life and prevented them from making similar mistakes. Or one Reddit user had this to this post scared the shit out of me. I've ordered drugs off of the dark net DMT and LSD and never tested before I used because, well, if the vendor has 2K positive rep and very little negative rep, what's the chances they're selling stepped on fake shit? I could have died and I'm just realizing it now. Never ever had I considered a vendor could make a simple accounting error and kill people. Thank you for the wake up call. Of course, though, not everyone shared the same sentiment. A Redditor with a completely different point of view had this to I usually like how supportive the Reddit community is, but this post takes that a bit too far. There are a lot of people supportive of OP in the comments, but not nearly enough urging him to turn himself in to the police. You admitted you dealt because you were too lazy to get an actual job, messed up, and got several people killed. There's a risk buying drugs no matter the source, and the people that bought from you must have known that. But that doesn't change the fact that you are to blame for their deaths. It was your error. You suggest you felt remorse, but you still sold off the rest of your product and ran away. And it sounds like you got away with it completely free. As someone else here in the comments too far down said, remorse without action is meaningless. On top of all this, you have the gall to complain about your boring 9 to 5 coming home to play video games when that is the life most normal people people live. And it's rich complaining about your quality of life when you took several others away from them. I feel bad for you and you clearly need to speak to someone to help with the guilt. But if you really do regret what happened, you should turn yourself in to the police. There is reason for you to be arrested and it might bring some closure to the families and friends of the people who died. Hopefully through the system you'll get the help you need. You definitely should not continue to live off any of the drug money you might still have. One can only hope that Misk997 changed their ways and moved on from this dark and brutal path. But unfortunately, with no further updates on their account, that brings us to the end of this disturbing and tragic confession. 3 I had to basically sift through this individual's whole account and post to really get all the information I could. So please bear with me. A man who went by the username Worthless319 had made a series of posts about their desire to reach true enlightenment. Only the lengths they were willing to go are far more disturbing than you could ever possibly imagine, resulting in irreparable damage that could never be undone. You see, Worthless319 truly believed that in order to reach enlightenment, he had to do something drastic. He had to suffer. What type of suffering, you may ask? Self mutilation of his own penis. Yeah, you heard that right. But why would someone ever want to do something like this? What could drive someone to do something so atrocious to their own body? Well, that's what we're going to figure out. Let's begin with his first post, Fear of Suffering Bringing an awareness into suffering. The innate truths behind the universe have been revealed to me. I have severely self mutilated to near death in the past and I was awful at dealing with the pain. I couldn't remotely bring a non judgmental awareness into it. Sitting on the edge of eternity, I see pure suffering as awful as it gets. Once my life is over, it is my path to enlightenment, no different from Christ's. But I'm scared. I can't function anymore. I am so afraid of what comes after. For me, saying me is an odd thing. Though mere suffering exists, no sufferer is found. The deeds are, but no doer of the deeds is there. Nibana is, but not the man that enters it. The path is, but no traveler on it is seen. I've read Be here now about 25 times. Front to back near the end, it depicts Christ and it says this trip requires total suffering, but it's got to be suffering that is no suffering. It also says you've got to go to the whole suffering trip, but you can't be the guy who is suffering. I understand this means the physical body and ego will die, but how can one manage to suffer without suffering? I'm so caught up on this I can't step over the line into the infinite. Now let's dissect this. He mentions in the beginning that he's actually already harmed himself in the past with self mutilation, but that he couldn't withstand the physical pain brought upon him, nor tell anyone about this, which explains why he's turned to Reddit for counsel. He also mentions reading the book be here now 25 times from front to back. Be Here now is a book written by Ram Dass in 1971. Just to give a brief overview. Be Here now is a book that covers spirituality, philosophy and practical guidance. In this book there is actually a quote about suffering, But I believe Worthless319 took this in a literal sense and less in a spiritual sense, which is what I believe Ram Dass meant at the time of writing this. The quote goes like this trip requires total suffering. It's got to be suffering, that is no suffering. You've got to go the whole trip. You can't be the guy who is suffering. So this is a bit confusing, but to my understanding, and according to the other Redditors more familiar with Ram Dass and his literature, he was referring to embracing the suffering and pain that we will all endure at some point in our lives. But he didn't mean physical suffering. He meant spiritually or emotionally. We're all going to go through something traumatic. We're all going to feel grief. Ram Dass believed you had to embrace that suffering, but Worthless319 took this way too literally. Now, when sifting through his posts, as you can see, many of his posts were either too graphic and deleted by the subreddit's moderators, or deleted by himself, even due to the erratic nature of his posts. We're going to skip ahead a bit in this next one, titled how to Proceed when youn Only Seem to Fail. He goes on to explain the disturbing and grotesque aftermath by following through with his ultimate plan to reach enlightenment. Greetings. I am in the most intense part of the awakening process that is possible. First I circumcised myself, ended up at the er. Next, I shot my penis four times with a revolver and consumed it after cooking it slightly on a Frying pan I called an ambulance on myself after freaking out and ended up at the er. During that process I blew apart my left testicle and they removed it since it was beyond repair. Finally, after many months of agonizing depression, I got the courage to sever my remaining testicle, ending up at the ER again. All I have done is follow God's will to crucify myself, but I always, always seem to fail. I cannot for the love of God make it past the obstacles given to me. Now God has come to me through my intuition calling me to sever more of my penis. When I look at what's left, it's about 1cm worth of skin bulging out with an empty scrotum attached and it's baffling that I'm supposed to sever more of it. At this point I'm basically carving a hole into my body. I am in the darkest times of my life as Earth nears the end times war and I have no idea what to do or where to turn. I am so afraid of the pain and blood of doing this all over again, thinking once would be enough love in regards Worthless319 and with that, Worthless319 did exactly what he set out to do and there was no turning back now. Redditors of this post were understandably all very deeply disturbed. As this one Redditor says, I have no idea how to respond to someone that blew their testicles off multiple times with Worthless319 responding back with the second time I cut my scrotum open and severed it when I shot my penis. The testicle blowing apart was an accident with another user weighing in as well. But how do you stand the pain? Does the thought of it not make you cringe? Worthless responded back with I just had to be in the now. Honestly, I could barely stand the pain. Which is why I feel like I failed the Creator and have mutilated myself more than once and still feel compelled to. I cringe mostly at the thought of having to further mutilate my already non existent penis. What I've done in the past has no longer disturbed me. The user replied. I wonder why you don't see the perception of pain as something is wrong here. God doesn't want me to do this. The same reason Jesus didn't. Worthless made several posts, only getting more and more disturbing. It appeared Worthless was planning to take this to the next level. A point of no return. How to surpass the feelings of inadequacy self hate. I've been given tasks by God, the Creator that I've barely been able to overcome. I have one task left to do. All of them have included self mutilation. I have reason to believe the universe is crucifying me. I'm having so much trouble with my final task. All of the pain from the past puts me at a roadblock. I am afraid of it. I can't move on. Deep down I know I am enough for God at this moment in the now with no thought of past or future. But I can't overcome my ego to perform this final act of sacrifice. What can I do daily to think higher of myself and love myself? Most of the time I hope I don't wake up when I go to sleep. The increase in worldly chaos is a direct link to the dream I live one of fear and not one of love. Regards Worthless319 made several more disturbing posts over the course of their time on Reddit, but the context was mostly all the same, from asking for advice to sharing more disturbing details about his self mutilation. Here are some of the titles of his disturbing advice on Banding penis stump Would you die for God? Maintaining peace when self mutilating? And then the most unsettling of them all, can you commit suicide by severing your penis? Worthless319 made several more posts after this. Of course he mentions several times feeling like he's failing God and looking for a drug to depersonalize himself, looking for a way to escape his own personal hell that he's created for himself. Then he made one final post under his Reddit account, a photo of his dog on the subreddit R all. And that was the last time anyone heard from Worthless319. It's hard to say for sure, of course, but it's pretty clear Worthless 319 was heavily suffering mentally. Going through so much turmoil like that, anyone can see that he desperately needed help. Unfortunately and tragically, the likelihood that he took his own life after so much suffering, well, I think it's pretty high. If you or anyone you know was suffering with their own mental health, please seek help. Your life is worth Living. Call 988 to reach the Suicide and crisis lifeline. Please take care of yourselves everyone. I'll see you again soon.