113 - The Past Times with Ronn Vigh

Summary

Episode 113: The Past Times with Ronn Vigh

Podcast: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Hosts: Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Ron Vi
Release Date: February 22, 2025
Description: Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds pick a subject from history and examine it, bringing humor and insightful commentary to lesser-known historical events and figures.

---

Introduction and Tour Announcements

The episode kicks off with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds enthusiastically announcing their upcoming tour scheduled for March 2025. They express their fondness for various cities, highlighting each as their favorite, which sets a lively and comedic tone for the episode.

Dave Anthony [00:02]: "March 2025 is when our tour is happening."

Gareth Reynolds [00:09]: "It's the best."

Their playful banter continues as they list tour dates and cities, each emphasizing their exaggerated love for the locations with humor.

Gareth Reynolds [00:42]: "If you don't like it, you're a Dallas hole."

Guest Introduction: Ron Vi

The hosts welcome Ron Vi, a comedian from the Bay Area, to the show. Gareth Reynolds introduces Ron with a humorous touch, noting that both he and Ron are encountering the newspaper for the first time.

Gareth Reynolds [01:11]: "Right, everybody, welcome to the Past Times Podcast... our guest this week, the great Ron Vi."

Bowling Tales and Name Origin

Ron Vi shares personal anecdotes about his childhood, particularly focusing on his experience with bowling. He explains the origin of his unique name, Ron Vi, which stems from his bowling coach Ken, who had "two ends."

Ron Vi [02:36]: "I have two ends in my name."

He recounts a near-death experience from choking on a mozzarella stick at a noisy bowling alley, adding depth to his character and providing a blend of humor and suspense.

Ron Vi [05:29]: "I almost died choking on him. I almost died choking on a mozzarella stick at a bowling alley in Lodi, New Jersey."

Analyzing the 1863 Newspaper

The heart of the episode revolves around analyzing a historical newspaper from September 11, 1863, titled "The Union," published in Georgetown, Delaware. The hosts and Ron delve into its contents, focusing on the front-page article titled "Girls who want Husbands," which prominently features sexist and archaic language reflecting the societal norms of the Civil War era.

Front Page: "Girls who want Husbands"

Dave Anthony [12:27]: "Like, they have to have girls who have a hankering for the sterner sex."

The conversation highlights the absurdity and outdated nature of the advice given to women, contrasting it sharply with contemporary views on gender roles and relationships.

Gareth Reynolds [14:05]: "Don't go into a fit of the nips every time you see a hat or a pair of whiskers."

Critique of Sexist Language

Dave and Gareth critique the derogatory language used in the article, mocking the patronizing tone directed towards women and the expectation that women should conform to specific societal roles.

Dave Anthony [13:36]: "It's such a trainer. Yeah."

Gareth Reynolds [15:06]: "You’ve just given us decade time frames,..."

Civil War Context

The hosts contextualize the newspaper within the broader backdrop of the Civil War, discussing references to Copperheads (anti-war Democrats) and the impact of the war on societal norms and daily life.

Dave Anthony [43:07]: "A letter dated Morris Island... General Beauregard having pledged his reputation..."

Absurd Statistics and Modern Comparisons

They analyze the newspaper's statistics, finding them both outdated and nonsensical by today's standards. The hosts draw humorous parallels between the past and present, pondering how such a publication would be received today.

Gareth Reynolds [15:06]: "You’ve just given us decade time frames,..."

Gareth Reynolds [43:07]: "It was during tournament play... What happened, Dave?"

Sinbad and Additional Content

Transitioning from the newspaper analysis, the conversation shifts to discussing Sinbad from the Arabian Nights. The hosts explore the blending of folklore and historical accounts, debunking myths with a comedic twist.

Dave Anthony [59:07]: "Sinbad was real and his adventures true."

They humorously speculate on how modern concepts, like dating apps, would integrate into the 1863 setting, maintaining a light-hearted and engaging dialogue.

Gareth Reynolds [31:16]: "Do you think I'm some sort of boring, gay, run of the mill gay?"

Conclusion and Parting Words

As the episode wraps up, the hosts share final thoughts and promote their upcoming tour dates, encouraging listeners to check out their websites for more information. They also bid farewell to Ron Vi, encouraging listeners to connect with him via his website.

Gareth Reynolds [67:06]: "Go to garethreynolds.com if you want to see me on the road doing stand up..."

Ron Vi [67:16]: "And I always want to know where Ken is these days..."

Notable Quotes

Throughout the episode, several standout quotes encapsulate the comedic essence and insightful critiques presented by the hosts and guest:

Dave Anthony [13:20]: "Oh, my God. Just opening right out of the gate with some dingers."

Gareth Reynolds [32:37]: "They need to put a bird on your hat, but maybe not the biggest three."

Ron Vi [05:48]: "What a way to go."

Insights and Conclusions

Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds, with the addition of Ron Vi, provide a rich and engaging analysis of a historical newspaper, highlighting the stark contrasts between past societal norms and present-day values. Their humorous take on the archaic language and absurd statistics of the 1863 "The Union" newspaper offers listeners both laughter and reflection on how far society has come.

The episode successfully blends historical examination with contemporary humor, making complex and outdated topics accessible and entertaining for a modern audience. The inclusion of personal anecdotes from Ron Vi adds depth and relatability, ensuring that listeners remain engaged throughout the lengthy and detailed discussion.

---

Tune in to Episode 113 of The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds for a hilarious and insightful journey through history, blending sharp comedy with thoughtful analysis.

Transcript

[Dave Anthony]

We're going on tour. And this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's been a while.

[Dave Anthony]

March 2025 is when our tour is happening. First of all, we're going to Tempe, Arizona, maybe our favorite city of all time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the best.

[Dave Anthony]

That is on March 16th. And then we go to Albuquerque, New Mexico, maybe our favorite city ever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've never left the city we've ever gone to.

[Dave Anthony]

That's on March 17th. And then we go to Oklahoma City.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which is our fav. We often say that it's our number one.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's our number one. The best city I've ever been to. That's on March 18th. On March 19th, we're going to be in Tulsa, Oklahoma, our favorite city, without question. And then we head to Dallas, Texas, on March 20th.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Our favorite city.

[Dave Anthony]

There's never been a better city.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you don't like it, you're a Dallas hole.

[Dave Anthony]

Thank you. And then we go to Houston, Texas, on March 21. City, which is by far the best city. And then we end our tour in Austin, Texas, on March 22 at the Cap City Comedy Club. It's the best city in the entire world.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Number one city in the world.

[Dave Anthony]

You can get tickets@dollar podcast.com tour.

[Ron Vi]

All.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right, everybody, welcome to the Past Times Podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and. And I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, the great Ron Vi. Hi, Ron.

[Ron Vi]

Hello. How's it going?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How are you?

[Ron Vi]

I'm doing great. Pretty good. You know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, by. Can I just point out the downgrade there from a great to a pretty good within.

[Ron Vi]

I started thinking about it as I started talking. You know, I gave you the good old phony, I'm great, and then my head started going like, you're not great. You're really not great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Actually, really bad.

[Ron Vi]

Yeah. Hold me, please. Can you hold me? Can I have a hug?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Ron, you are a great comedian. You're in the Bay Area.

[Ron Vi]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every. Wow, that was fast. See, you're doing better already. People can go to your website, which is Ron Vi. Ron with two N's and vi as in thigh with a V. Would you say correct or.

[Ron Vi]

Or hi with a V or psy with a V?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, no, because hi, V. H I.

[Ron Vi]

That's true. But we're not doing that at high. No. Okay, then thigh. Then thigh or psy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's stick with thigh. I'm gonna push the thigh part. As I was I like Psy. No. What? And then your. Your socials. Your. Ron. Ron and your.

[Ron Vi]

Yeah, exactly. So Ron. Twice as many runs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's another run by who took it.

[Ron Vi]

I have no idea why, but I have no idea why. I do a lot of things except why I have two ends in my name. Everybody always asks that. Because when I was 12, my bowling coach was Ken with two ends. And I really need you to hold on.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, this is sounding very Ohio at this point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let us have a minute here to just enjoy every morseling. Coach was Ken with two ends? It was.

[Ron Vi]

And he helped me. I was the 1994 New Jersey Junior bowler the year. So you know. You know who you're talking to here.

[Dave Anthony]

What kind of score. What kind of scores are we talking about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Ron Vi]

My highest is a 299.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God. So the last frame.

[Ron Vi]

You missed the last frame. I left the five pin. Oh, what was that like? It was like not getting a 300. It was like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Were people gathered around watching you?

[Ron Vi]

Because it was during tournament play. Because I was on the Junior Bowlers tour growing up. So it was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gotten a 299 again.

[Ron Vi]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you ever think back to that last frame?

[Ron Vi]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

Do you think your life would have been different?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Is this like Mr. Destiny.

[Ron Vi]

With the. With the. The weird part is, is that I remember. I know exactly where I was. I was in Stratford, New Jersey, at a bowling alley called the Martinique Lanes. And it was lanes 51 and 52. I remember all of that. And then I clearly remember a visual of certain girls because everybody gather behind you and watches. Right? And I remember certain girls being behind me. And I'm like, why is that the memory I have? Because it's clearly not what you know. But, but, but, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you okay? Are you saying that your sexual journey also changed that night? Is that.

[Ron Vi]

I think it might be because I mean, bowling is not traditionally a very gay. Well, maybe lesbians, but. But, but not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not a. Right. Not a gay man.

[Ron Vi]

Not. Not a gay man at all usually. But yeah, I was on the Junior Blues tour. I got it. Okay, here's a fun fact. Got a partial scholarship the college from bowling wowing scholarship.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now wait, then. Okay, so. But real quick, you then legally change your name. Do you add an extra? And because of Ken.

[Ron Vi]

Yeah. So I had no rules as a child, which means my partner hates me now because I do nothing. Because I had no task. I had nothing to do. And parties. No rules. Is my mom just let me do whatever I want. So I was 12 and I was like, hey, can I be Ron with two ends? And like, she let me be Ron with two ends. And I remember the exact bowling alley. I remember the exact bowling alley where this conversation took place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was in a bowling alley too.

[Ron Vi]

Everything okay, you guys? The. My other great bowling alley story is that I almost died choking on him. I almost died choking on a mozzarella stick at a bowling alley in Lodi, New Jersey.

[Dave Anthony]

What a way to go.

[Ron Vi]

Here's the problem. You know, mozzarella sticks are like, you know, they're, they're gooey and stringy, right? And the problem is, is that bowling alleys are really loud and everyone in New Jersey is Italian. So when you're doing this with your hands, nobody realizes that anything is wrong. So you're just a 12 year old in the corner, like, flailing around, wildly gesticulating and nobody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What happened? Who got to you? Ken.

[Ron Vi]

I don't think Ken was there that day. That wasn't at a bowling alley that Ken frequented. We met at a different bowling alley.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So how did you get out of this conundrum? How did you. What did the seven.

[Ron Vi]

I think I eventually. I think I eventually just, like, choked it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Ron, in other words, you just told us two great stories about you in a bowling alley, choking.

[Ron Vi]

Thanks, thanks.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I'll tell you what. It was a pleasure to have you on the show before the name reveal and the bowling alley regalia.

[Dave Anthony]

You know, there. There is a Ron in another dimension living the life of the Ron who knocked down that five pin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he's. He's just banging women. Good for him.

[Ron Vi]

Good for him.

[Dave Anthony]

Right?

[Ron Vi]

Is that, is that the key? Like, I would be totally straight and like knee deep if I got the 300. But leaving that 5P, it was like one little thing just staring back at me and I'm like, yeah, in the dick now, Is that. Is that how it went?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't want to just say yeah, but Dave's right. Yes, I know.

[Dave Anthony]

The penis. The penis phallic shape comes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It looks like a penis. Well, Ron, God bless you. You're an angel. Thank you for being here. All right. We're as much as I would, honestly. And I. We're not going to talk about the mug because it's a top fiverr. But as much as I would love to sit here and talk about your gutter balls, let's get into the. The pod. We're gonna go through a weird newspaper now. I don't know it. You don't know it. But we're gonna try to guess what year it's from. You're gonna guess first, because otherwise Dave will just be, you know, a psycho. He'll make up a whole bunch of stuff. He'll slander me, he'll attack me, and it's gonna be a whole thing. And he'll stand there and look, you have a.

[Dave Anthony]

You have a very.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Quiet, Quiet, please.

[Dave Anthony]

You have a complex.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Quiet, please. So, Ron, you can guess first. The oldest newspaper we've ever done is around the 1600s. I'm going to just be your friend here and say it's not going to be from that time. The most recent was the year 2000. We did it with the great Sam Sachs. But you get to pick anywhere within there. What year do you think this is going to be from?

[Ron Vi]

Oh, my God, the pressure. It is. Gosh, I don't know. I feel like. Okay, I'm torn between what I think it might be and what I want it to be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, well, how about this, Ron? Just because you really cracked open some bowling tails, you get one of each.

[Ron Vi]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This has never been done.

[Ron Vi]

All right. I feel like we're doing something maybe from, like the 40s, maybe 1940s. Not 18. I think 90 40s, but for whatever reason, I kind of want it to be like somewhere in the 80s.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, why. Well, those are just. You've just given us decade time frames, which. I'm not gonna bend the rules.

[Ron Vi]

Oh, that's right. Oh, I see. It has specific.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, a year.

[Ron Vi]

1940 and 1985.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. 1940. 1985. I love the 85 Guess, by the way. I'm gonna.

[Ron Vi]

I love the 80s.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love the 80s, too. I'm gonna go 1956. I'm gonna play with you in the. In the upper years.

[Dave Anthony]

Ron is much closer. It is 1863. So Ron wins.

[Ron Vi]

Very close.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ron wins because of his second. He's got two guesses, but. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, he won.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, sure.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. You lost.

[Ron Vi]

Unlike that bowling alley. I won today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. Thank you.

[Ron Vi]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

We're trying to. We're trying to sort of redo your life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But let's. But let's just talk about how I was pretty correct that Dave would weaponize this part of the show. I didn't weaponize anything and be strange about it. Go ahead, Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

This is what I'm talking about. You've got. You've got this weird complex about what happens during the guessing of the thing, Dave. And just because you've always failed, it doesn't mean that you're not a Good person.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave, you're a great loser.

[Dave Anthony]

The paper is the Union from Georgetown, Delaware, September 11, 1863.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, Delaware seems boring to me. Now, 1863. Delaware has to just be total.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, it's the middle of the Civil War, and the paper is called the Union.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, still. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Still.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Still. Well, it's still Delaware's. You know what I mean? Delaware during the Civil War. Everyone's like, we don't really care what you're thinking.

[Ron Vi]

I mean, in general, Delaware. I grew up in New Jersey. Do you know how many times I had been to Delaware, which is right by New Jersey. There's a bridge that goes to Delaware. You know how many times I've been there? Zero.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hero gutter.

[Dave Anthony]

I've driven through Delaware, and it's pretty much like, oh, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've driven through Delaware, too. And it's like, if Maine had diarrhea.

[Ron Vi]

I mean, in New Jersey, everybody's like, delaware, where?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's good. That's.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow. That coming hard. Coming hard. That's what it was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was just the first, the name of the state was Della, and then it was so unpopular, they just had to have.

[Dave Anthony]

Where, huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Delaware.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, so I don't really understand what's happening with this paper, but the front page, Girls who want Husbands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just to remind you of. Yeah. What the. What we needed women for.

[Dave Anthony]

Girls, you want to get married, don't you? And what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, no answer, no time for. Only in papers in the 1860s are you just.

[Ron Vi]

But that's.

[Dave Anthony]

But that's like, hey, you can't get a job on your own. You want to get married, right? Like, what else? Like, they.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is such a trainer. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, you can't even wear pants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, no.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, girls, you want to get married, don't you? And what a natural thing it is for ladies who have such a hankering for the sterner sex, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Written by a man, no doubt.

[Dave Anthony]

Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's got to be. There's no woman. Is writing this article a hankering. A hankering craving man.

[Ron Vi]

Exactly. I hanker a roast. I have a hankering for a roast beef sandwich, but not even if I was straight, I wouldn't have a hankering for a woman. That just sounds wrong. Can you imagine putting that on, like, a dating profile now or something?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I wish I was single so I could be on the app and just be like, I got a hankering for some pee. I could even say roast beef sandwich. If you think about it, you could.

[Ron Vi]

Oh, I don't want to think about it. But yes, Come on.

[Dave Anthony]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come to the dark side.

[Dave Anthony]

It is a weakness of a woman, and for this reason, she is called the weaker sex.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. Just opening right out of the gate with some dingers.

[Dave Anthony]

You got a. Yeah, you gotta start. You gotta frame the article. But where everybody. So the men are the sterner sex and the women are the weaker sex.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. And they want to marry the stern ones.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, if you want to get married, don't, for conscious sake, act like fools about it. Don't go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is honestly. And I'm not even trying to do the guy thing where I'm like, I am pissed off. This is so upsetting. So out of the gate for it to just be this shitty. Shut up, woman.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, get ready. Get ready for this sentence, because don't go into a fit of the nips every time you see a hat or a pair of whiskers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[Ron Vi]

First of all, isn't this, like, during a war? But this is the. The front page article. Forget the war. Forget what's happening over we ladies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You need a man. Quit trying to sit on every mustache. Quiet, Sal. The man's writing.

[Dave Anthony]

A husband hunter is the most detestable of all young ladies.

[Ron Vi]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

She is full of starch and puckers. She puts on many false heirs, and she is so nice that she appears ridiculous in the eyes of all decent people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Amazing to fucking be upset about her being nice.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. What's happening right now? Yeah, they're mad at yes, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of those things that were listed, I would be like, I'm in. That would. I would bang that person. You know what I mean? Like out there, active. Nice. I'd be like, let's go. What? What? Say it.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Say. I mean, shit.

[Dave Anthony]

Does that really narrow it down for you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop it. There's a process.

[Dave Anthony]

Nice. Mean. Whatever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're.

[Dave Anthony]

You're down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Aggressive. Whatever.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm drunk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Whatever.

[Dave Anthony]

May she be generally found at meeting about the last one. Always at social parties. Invariably takes a front seat at concerts. She tries to be the belle of the place and thinks she is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is so clearly from a guy who just got Right.

[Dave Anthony]

There's. Yeah, someone just.

[Ron Vi]

Someone just got a front seat at concerts.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, she wants to be a front seat because then everyone's looking at her in front.

[Ron Vi]

I mean, this is 1860, isn't it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What.

[Ron Vi]

What concert is happening in 18?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you talking about? Gabriel and the dirt sellers.

[Dave Anthony]

The hair. They play the play the bucket.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Fur traders.

[Ron Vi]

Yeah, the fur traders.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They got the best juggist.

[Dave Anthony]

You are fitting Yourself for an old maid just as sure as the Sabbath comes on Sunday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is men will wild.

[Dave Anthony]

It's crazy. Men will flirt with you, will flirt with you and flatter you simply because they love to do it. But they have no more idea of making you a wife than they have of committing suicide.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, this article is. This is the first article.

[Ron Vi]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Could not be more aggressive.

[Ron Vi]

Now imagine if she read this, but also left the five pin in the last frame, like her life would be over. She would just go run into the ocean at that point.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. This is written by a woman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. What? Well, now she's right. All women.

[Dave Anthony]

If I. If I was young. If I was a young man, I would have no more to do with such a fancy than I would with a rattlesnake. Now, girls, let Nelly give you a piece of her advice. And she knows from experience that if you practice it, you will gain the reputation of becoming worthy girls.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pitch. Not a woman. Just pretending that's just a guy wrote it and, like, make it seem like a woman.

[Ron Vi]

I. I mean, Nelly is old time gay slang. So maybe this was just like the town gay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Nelly meant like.

[Ron Vi]

Like if you're. If you're a little Nelly, you're gay. There's also a rapper, which was always very confusing to me because I'm like, was that the gay rapper?

[Gareth Reynolds]

But no, that's so amazing. I've never heard, you know, it's kind.

[Ron Vi]

Of like, you know, like your little Nelly, your little light in the loafers, you know, one of those, you know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I never heard the Nelly one. No. Are you doing Nelly with two ends or one.

[Ron Vi]

Two ends. One L. You know, just a little spice it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, Gareth, we have done episodes about Anita Bryant and other. So there are women like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There are. I just am running into the intersection of. It's. You're not wrong. I also am just like a paper allowing a woman to write the first article in the paper in 18.

[Dave Anthony]

Troubling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Three. Very unlikely. And the language does feel. It just.

[Dave Anthony]

It's. It's aggressively. It's. It's dudish. You're saying it's toxic masculinity feeling article.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, I would say that's even big general. Like this should. This column should be like, shut up. It's extreme. But you're right. There are these people there. I mean, there still are.

[Dave Anthony]

You know, it is well enough that you learn to finger the piano, work embroidery, study grammar, etc but don't neglect letting your grandma or dear mother teach you how to make bread or get a meals victuals good enough for a king. No part of a housekeeper's duty should be neglected. If you do not marry a wealthy husband, you will need to know how to do such work. And if you do it, it will be an advantage for you to know how to oversee a servant girl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The. The. The joie de vivre of a woman at this.

[Dave Anthony]

Did you just say joie de vivre?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

I just don't expect it from you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's because you don't have much of joie de vivre. It must be so, like your purpose is so minimal in this. This world. I am hoping to marry a rich man, but if I don't, I'll just learn how to clean the walls better.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, it's just. This goes on and on. Like, it's just. It's so long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

If your hair is straight, don't put on. Oh, this is crazy. Okay. It gets racist if you. If you know how to talk. I can't believe it gets racist in 18, by the way. But that's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's an old title to this. This show.

[Dave Anthony]

If you know how to talk, do it naturally. And do not be so distressingly polite as to spoil all that you say. If your hair is straight, don't put on curling tongs to make people believe that you have black blood in your veins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Christ almighty.

[Dave Anthony]

So was it cool in the 1860s to curl your hair to pretend that you weren't all white? Is that what we're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ron, go ahead. A. You know. You know what I mean? I think here's, here's. Here's what I would say I've learned from this country, its history and its citizens. We will disenfranchise anyone non white.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, here we go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pilfer their culture for whatever we want and never acknowledge that it came from them. So I think it is very possible that that happened.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow. Check you out with the. Coming in with the points.

[Ron Vi]

It's the joie de viv.

[Dave Anthony]

Find of the girls. Listen to the council of your mothers and ask their advice in everything. Think less of fashion than you do of kitchen duties, less of romance than you do of the realities of life. And instead of trying to catch a bow, strive to make yourself worth being caught by them. Okay, that last part is fine, Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. She's trying to say. Yeah. I mean, she's obviously terrible, but she's like saying, don't try so hard. Right? That's what this is. Don't try so hard.

[Ron Vi]

I'm so confused because it's like, don't try so hard. But it's also trying to push her towards, like, hey, get yourself a man and do everything for him right now. Right? This is. And I want to know. And, like, usually, like, these things. This feels like an advice column where there should be, like, a picture of Nelly, you know, smiling in the corner, wearing a little, like, shawl or something, a little brooch or whatever. And, like, no, I want to know more about Nelly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not going to find out more about Nelly because it's a guy named Carl.

[Ron Vi]

I mean, I also like where it's like, be more, but be less into fashion and whatever. I'm like, it's 1860.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look. Yes. You need to have a bird on your hat, but maybe not the biggest three. Don't push it, ladies.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, there's no, There's a wild opening. Yeah. There's no written by or, like, headline.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, it's so Demoral. Like, you must have just constantly been so demoralized to. To have to try. I mean, and also think of the 1863 man. Like, great, right? So you mean great if, like, a goatee were made out of tobacco spit.

[Ron Vi]

But yeah, I'm the same man. It's like. But I feel like 1863 man. Yeah, you don't want them, but yet that's still. That's like a, that's a manly man. He has to, like, hunt and get things and, like, I can't hunt and get things. I can't even figure out how to back up my iPhone, you know?

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, it's almost.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I, I, I've never wanted to crack time travel more than to send Ron to 1863 to just watch.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Ron Vi]

That would. I mean, hey, as long as they have a bowling alley, I, I might be able to. I'm sure they had some. Like.

[Dave Anthony]

They did. They had, like.

[Ron Vi]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, they had pin swapper. I don't know.

[Dave Anthony]

Bowling was one of the first sports.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, was it really? Yeah, yeah, we talked about that. It was like, rocks and like.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, the, the Dutch were doing it when they first came.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

In Amsterdam. New Amsterdam. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

And then a guy cut a bunch of people's heads off and was crazy. So the. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Nectar of the lips. Next article. Well, we reckon some folks would really like to know what we thought of kissing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is this paper? Because there is a civil war, and now we're like, this feels like a pamphlet.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. It's really weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like a How to Get Blade book.

[Dave Anthony]

Maybe they're trying to drag you in with a personal, like, touch. And then they're gonna hit you with the Definitely work Civil War stuff.

[Ron Vi]

It feels like one of those newspapers you get in every city where you think it's, like, a legit source. And, like, you go through a few pages, and then the last 20 pages are just like, call Merlot or whatever. And, like, they have that. You know, it's all personal ads and it's all escorts and all that. That's what it feels like. The 1860 equivalent. Or like. Yeah, it doesn't. Like, if this is the first page, I cannot wait to get to the 10th page.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like when you get a hotel room in Vegas and you're like, there's, like, Vegas today. And you're like, okay. And it's like an interview with Barry Manilow. Where to get the best cigars. Hey, want to get your dick sucked to a sheet? You're like, what the hell is. What is happening?

[Ron Vi]

Wait, if that. If that is something that exists. I live in Vegas. Where do I. Where do I sign up to be a writer?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't know you moved to Vegas.

[Ron Vi]

Yeah, for about two more months until I leave. I came. I did. I gotta go. This is not.

[Dave Anthony]

That's tough. That's a tough place to live.

[Ron Vi]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good for you. And then where are you going? You're going back to the Bay Area?

[Ron Vi]

I don't know, wherever. I. I have an. I have an apartment in the Bay Area still that I rent out because I'm a part of the problem. And so. So I could go back to the Bay. I could go to LA. Who knows? I could maybe time travel to 1860 and see how I do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How many cats?

[Ron Vi]

Three.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Three cats.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, I like it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like this a lot.

[Ron Vi]

And they're all named after characters from the Golden Girls.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's hear it. Which one are you missing?

[Ron Vi]

Oh, well, I'm not. I'm not. Like, only one of them is named after a main character. Do you think I'm some sort of boring, gay, run of the mill gay? Just out here naming him Blanche, Rose, and Dorothy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are the names?

[Ron Vi]

Think of me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are the names?

[Ron Vi]

Well, the one that would be most.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Familiar to the average person, that one would. Go ahead, start there.

[Ron Vi]

Is Devereaux, named after Blanche. Devereaux is named Devereaux because he is a boy. And so it was hard to find the right name. So. And he's great. And then the other One. The next one is named Jasper, and he's named after a character in the episode called Jasper Dukel who was like, kind of like an irate artist. And there's more story to that, but I named him after that. And then we got a female cat that found me in the parking lot here, and she is named Frida, after their neighbor in one episode, Mrs. Frieda Claxton that Rose accidentally killed when she told her to drop that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I got to tell you, I keep dipping into the Golden Girls. And it is great show. A good show.

[Dave Anthony]

It's really good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I guess everyone is in the shadow of you, Ron.

[Ron Vi]

The writing. The writing is very good, and the characters are very good. Yeah, there's not. If you really follow the show, by the way, there are so many inconsistencies. Like, Blanche has somewhere between three and six children in one episode. In one episode, her middle name is Marie. The next episode, her middle name is Elizabeth. Just so that they can get to a joke that her initial spell out bad. Like, there are so many. There's no through. Like, there's really no. The only through line is that there are four old ladies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is it.

[Ron Vi]

But it is an amazing show, I gather. I watch it nightly with my cats. You know, that's what we do here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is awesome.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I don't even remember how we started, but that is the right answer. That's all.

[Dave Anthony]

I think we started from nectar of the lips. Kissing. We got into it from kissing somehow. Well, we reckon. We reckon some folks would really like to know what we thought of kissing. Let's see. In the first place, we thought what an absurd idea it is in a man to ask a lady to kiss him. Just as if he, the senseless being, thought the poor little trembling creature were going to do it. Okay, so. So, okay, it's weird.

[Ron Vi]

This is weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No matter which way he says it's weird. But is it just like, kiss. Let the man kiss you?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. I mean, I think the idea of a man asking for a thing so easily obtained. Why, it is ridiculous.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, it is. Just like, let him take it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's right. That's what it is. They're saying. Why would you ask?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why would. Why? Yes. Why bother? Obviously, he'll do it whether you want it or not. Silly.

[Ron Vi]

Is this also written by Nelly?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. I think this whole paper is the Nelly Times.

[Dave Anthony]

It really feels that way. Doesn't it just? Yeah, she'd say no till doomsday, and you, poor unbeliever, would forego the happiness of drawing nectar from the rosebud mouth. Simply because.

[Ron Vi]

That'S the next thing going on my grinder profile. Looking for nectar from the rosebud mouth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

Simply because you were ignoramus enough to ask for what you might have taken.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Simply because you were ignoramus enough to ask for what. So it's.

[Dave Anthony]

Take it. He's really up there. Look.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

There are 10,000 ways to kiss a girl without asking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Asking is a consent is. We're in an era of consent being a turn off, obviously, which we're still in, I believe.

[Dave Anthony]

I think they're saying, be more okay. Direct her attention to something on the table. Ask for a book, you know, to be there. And while she's there, go with the affected purpose of helping her to look for it. Be particular to get to her left side. Do you need more telling?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the. So. So this is basically the move. Is this. Hey, look, there's a candle. Ever heard of the Great Gatsby? Are you missing something? It might be over here. Just shut the up. My tongue's in you.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, right. That's what it is. Do you like cats? You want to pick this one up? Hey, what about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This makes me think.

[Ron Vi]

How wild dating apps would have been in that time period if they existed. Like, if you could just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A woman would swipe left and it would be like, all right, a match. And you'd be like, no, we're married now. You married? Doug. He makes boobs.

[Dave Anthony]

Wait, what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's not even in my area. You'll move.

[Ron Vi]

Shut up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your mom backed all your. You have no rights. Shut the upper.

[Dave Anthony]

Just get in here so I can chain you to the stove.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here. This is his friend. Your clothes are off. Don't wear him until he says okay. But I swiped left. Left means yes. Oh, I meant right. Right means yes. Everything means yes. You are a woman in 1963. Shut the fuck up.

[Dave Anthony]

You shouldn't have got on the app. App called my property.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't even download an app. It doesn't matter. The app downloaded. You get inside your husband's house. You are married.

[Dave Anthony]

A man who would ask for a kiss of a fair maiden ought to be tarred and feathered as a craven hearted monster.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't you do it.

[Dave Anthony]

Don't. For goodness sake, ask the girls to kiss you. Kiss them if you want to. Do it like a gentleman.

[Ron Vi]

Also, you. Quick reminder. There is a war. A civil war.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right now.

[Ron Vi]

It's a war on kissing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you know.

[Ron Vi]

You know, they had. They. They have a civil war. They Had a war on drugs and later. But right now, this is a war on how to get your woman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is 1863 Fox News so far. Holy shit.

[Dave Anthony]

Profane language is abominable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is this paper written by a grandma who wants her grandson to get laid?

[Dave Anthony]

It's really. It's just a paper that yells at you from the porch. Church.

[Ron Vi]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just like a person complaining.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Profane language is an abominable. Loud laughing is impul. Impolitic. Inquisitiveness is offensive. Tattling is mean. Telling lines is contemptible. Slandering is della. Devilish ignorance is disgraceful and laziness is shameful. And that's the entire art. That's the. That's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's.

[Dave Anthony]

That's the article.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's my favorite one.

[Ron Vi]

I would just love to live during this time if. If this was what our biggest worries sort of were.

[Dave Anthony]

Were.

[Ron Vi]

You know, we've got a lot going on. Like, if I can just open a paper today, like, tomorrow. If I just opened the front page in the New York Times and it was like, this is how you're getting laid today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But to your point, Ron, there's a civil war.

[Ron Vi]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. This is like it. It's like. It's all. It is almost like Brett Stevens columns.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where you're just like, what are you.

[Ron Vi]

Bro.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shut the. Nobody's talking about this. Shut the. Up.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Ron Vi]

I also want to know if this is Delaware specific or, like, if other newspapers from 1863 are also like this. If somebody in New Jersey was, you know.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, we've never really seen one like this, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, this is not. This is. This is crazy and new. Yeah. A lot of times. There's. A lot of times what happens is it'll be like this stuff, and then the next page will just be like, 34 slain. We know the 34 slain in this one, and it's still just someone. Like, let a man take his penis out if he's drinking whiskey. Be so delicate lady.

[Dave Anthony]

Won'T stand the test. Many proverbs admit contradiction, as witness the following. The more the merrier. No, not so. One hand is enough in a purse there's more. I'm nothing but what has an end.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So that was apparently an end.

[Dave Anthony]

Nothing but was what has an end. So this one is not around anymore. But apparently back then, not so. A ring has none, for it is round.

[Gareth Reynolds]

These all were. Obviously, we know all these because they're so good.

[Dave Anthony]

Money is a great comfort. Not when it brings a thief to the Gallows. I think this might be jokes. I think this is stand up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that one is jeselnik. That is dark. Money is great unless a thief is in your gallows. What? What are you talking about? But a man has no wallet.

[Ron Vi]

But if a thief is in your gallows, let him in. Take that chance. Have sex with him. He's a thief and he belongs there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let him steal some nectar from the rosebuds. Holy.

[Dave Anthony]

It is a great way to the bottom of the sea. Well, that's a. Quieter.

[Ron Vi]

That's it.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know why we lost these, but not so. It is but a stone's cast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just come on.

[Dave Anthony]

No, the pride of the rich makes the labor of the poor. Not so the labor of the poor makes the pride of the rich.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, one makes makes sense.

[Dave Anthony]

Flipped it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, one makes sense.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, that was an interesting article.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Everyone has been bizarrely upsetting.

[Dave Anthony]

This is the last little. It's just one of the one sentence articles. It's the last one on the first.

[Gareth Reynolds]

These are my favorite.

[Dave Anthony]

Kisses between women are like two handsome, unmatched gloves. Charming things with their proper mates, but good for nothing in that way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And all I want to do is whack it.

[Dave Anthony]

So I don't even know what this is saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's giving way more props to kissing a w. Like the fact. Yes, it's.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's so. So women have to be kissing each.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Other or else it seems like it's far more validating of lesbians in the time than I thought it would be. Like they. They would be like. Like it's like a glove and a sock. But Instead it's like two different gloves. That's pretty close for 1863.

[Dave Anthony]

Charming things with their proper mates, but good for nothing in that way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But has anyone. I mean, I would wear two mismatched gloves.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, everybody knows you would.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm like Madonna.

[Dave Anthony]

Madonna would never wear two mismatched gloves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You'll eat those words by the end of this show.

[Ron Vi]

This is very confusing. They could have not. Yeah, there could have not. They could have not been willingly talking about two actual woman kissing in 1860. How would that even come about? And like, what would.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This paper is trying to hit from every angle. So women will bang men.

[Ron Vi]

What about men? Can you imagine me trying to pick up a man in 1860? Steve. Like, what do I say?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Excuse me.

[Ron Vi]

Excuse me, sir, Would you jolly a butt rogering like. I don't know. Or maybe it's the opposite way. Oh, oh, the things that I would do. Like I can see it now like a dating app. Like all the things that I would do to thy lady if she does not die giving childbirth. Like, I don't know, like what? I imagine it's hard to eat ass in a top hat.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, that brings up a lot of logistical issues.

[Ron Vi]

Oh my God. I really do want to go to 1863. Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're pointing out problems my brain couldn't even get to. But yes, if you are to each.

[Dave Anthony]

Bottom you shall take off. Fine top hat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, no. And then there's some guy who he was just like. I call it the bottom carve out top hat.

[Ron Vi]

You can keep your top hat on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

While you're face deep in cheek. Have a look at that, boys. I put the butt part at the back and when you're ready for an ass munching, you just pop it around like yay. That's pretty good. Also, let me introduce you to the stash bib.

[Dave Anthony]

Tell me what to ask to eat the ass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good lord.

[Ron Vi]

You have some great ideas. If there was a shark tank in 1863, you would be selling those.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ass bibs dream.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I call it the Spit House. It's the only crapper with a spittoon inside of it. There you go. It's called the flap rack. Finally eat pancakes off your wife's bust.

[Dave Anthony]

To correspondence and others, we solicit contributions and correspondence from all quarters and when worthy, will be appropriately published. Our friends must write briefly, legibly and on one side of the paper only. The real name of the author must accompany each communication as a guarantee of good faith. So people are writing in some of these. That might be why it's so crazy insane. Yeah, because it's this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So this is basically. This is just a reader submitted paper so far to this.

[Ron Vi]

But also how do they write in like. I don't think. Let's see. What is 1863? So was there a pony? No. Like do you just write on a piece of paper and then drop it off and be like, put this in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Raven's claw. Hope for the best. There you are. The Raven's like, I bet this is a note for the king to let him know that the. No, it's just about how you should be able to suck face with a woman even if she gives you squint.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, here's they can't do it. The Copperheads are very anxious to crush us out and have given us any amount of trouble in various ways while we were trying to get our little cult, the Union in the traces. But we are off now a whole team. And if our friends will only stand by us as they ought to do, we will be champion of the state of Delaware by Christmas. So copperheads are Democrats who did not want to fight in the war. So they're peace loving Democrats going against their party. Confederates, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, going against the Confederates.

[Ron Vi]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because the parties were swamps.

[Dave Anthony]

They're Democrats. Right.

[Ron Vi]

I thought copperheads were fish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They are that too.

[Ron Vi]

Oh, just.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I thought they're snakes. They're snakes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it's a snake.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a poisonous. It's a poisonous snake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh?

[Ron Vi]

You think I'd know more about snakes than fish?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Well, I'm giving him copperhead. You see, that's so funny.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, Copperheads were so the Republicans called anti war Democrats Copperheads.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anti war Democrats Copperheads. Right. For some reason we know not, but maybe because they're snakes in the grass or something.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, they're supporting. Their support increased when Union armies did poorly and decreased when they won big.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can we at least say that the glory hunters, the Democrats, are consistent in the fact that they'll say something they believe and then do so little to back it up and get rolled over.

[Dave Anthony]

Why? I don't understand the people willing to surrender the demolition of Fort Sumter. So we're like two years into the war. A letter dated Morris Island.

[Gareth Reynolds]

First we're finally into the fact that the Civil War is going on.

[Ron Vi]

Is this on the back page?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Ron Vi]

Next.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The sex worker numbers would be in the chronology. Yes.

[Ron Vi]

Is it. Is this. Is this our article in the war? Like right next to the comic strips?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Right.

[Ron Vi]

Is there a Peanuts of 1863? Like I would love with all of those proverbs we heard. I would love to see what a comic strip is. Just a version of Kathy just being like being grabbed by a man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he.

[Ron Vi]

She's like, just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don consents it. Take it.

[Dave Anthony]

The people willing to surrender the demolition of Fort Sumter. A letter dated Morris Island, August 29, states that the rebel deserters, several of whom reach our lines every day, represent the people of Charleston anxious to surrender the city. The shelling process caused general surprise. General Beauregard having pledged his reputation that it was an impossibility in mere Yankee bravado, it has been ascertained that the first shell fired by the Marsh Battery entered a house occupied by a number of officers, killing several and destroying the house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow, this is such bigger news story. I mean, honestly, the framing of this paper is bonkers.

[Ron Vi]

Yeah, it really is boring me. Tell me how to get Married.

[Dave Anthony]

I know, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, what it's done to me, too.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I am damaged by the beginning because I so outraged and shocked by what was happening that now the Civil War, I'm like, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Is it okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

A bunch of officers got bombed and.

[Dave Anthony]

The deserters say there is but 25 men in Fort Sumpter and that it will be blown up as soon as the attempt is made to take possession.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that. Did that happen, Dave?

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know if that happened. I don't remember.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've heard of Fort Sumter, so I've been there.

[Dave Anthony]

Been there. Yeah. It's not. I don't think it's as good as.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It used to be.

[Dave Anthony]

Took some day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Hell, yeah, I did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're allowed to grab a woman by her belt loop and do what you want.

[Dave Anthony]

I came in with my copperhead boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Dave Anthony]

We why they have riots in New York, so draft rights.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. I think we know then.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. Pretty obvious.

[Dave Anthony]

At an address recently delivered before the Young Men's Christian association in New York, the following startling statistics were presented. This is why they riot. There are In New York 100,000 German infidels.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Y the border.

[Dave Anthony]

350,000 persons who don't go to church. 13, 000 families without Bibles. 60, 000 children who never attend school. 15, 000 vagrant and hopeless children who graduate thieves and vagabonds. Okay, so this paper, very pro war. And the Christian pro, they're like, if you were good Christians, you would not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Write, you would go to war.

[Ron Vi]

Right, but how do they get that. That, like, census. How do they get those statistics, like 13, 000 without.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, total.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. They didn't know this. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because they are pretty insane. The numbers.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, the numbers are crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Right. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

6,000 sailors in Port all the time. A floating population of 50,000.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All sorts. Population of 50,000 people living on boats. Oh, my God. That is not what I expected.

[Dave Anthony]

That's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, a floating population. Merman.

[Dave Anthony]

They live on lily pads.

[Gareth Reynolds]

50,000 on boats.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, maybe, you know, even as.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For that, to be in the realm of possibility is amazing.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, that might be my vibe soon.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It might just be like, you know, just houseboat.

[Dave Anthony]

Houseboat. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Does dot just. Yeah, that's so easy. You just go to land for like your few. You know what I mean? Just go get debate, eat whatever I catch right off the back of the boat, I'm able to get out of there. Real quick, you know what I mean? Machine in there.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

For what table? I don't know. Just snacks and whatever. Get some pretzels put in.

[Dave Anthony]

You have. But you're gonna pay for your own snacks?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know how. The vending machine. I've never had the curtain peeled back, but I don't know how that works. I'm pretty sure it's just.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, your idea is to have a vending machine on your own houseboat, so I'm wondering what the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The guy fills it. I don't know if he's paid by the government or whatever, but are you.

[Dave Anthony]

Paying for the, like if you want crackers, ideally, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I'm putting money in it. Yeah, absolutely.

[Dave Anthony]

So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you have straightening out the bill on the edge of it and whatnot.

[Dave Anthony]

Someone has a. Someone has a vending machine business on your boat that you own.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Again, I don't really want to get to. Into the behind the scenes of it all.

[Dave Anthony]

I kind of feel like we have to, though, because this is your dream. Ryan, do you have any questions about this process?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Ron Vi]

Well, you know the thing that. Sorry, I, I, I answered anything. The, the thing. The thing that I'm like, equating this to is that I told you I'm living in Vegas, and Vegas is very weird. There are people who are such gambling addicts that they've purchased their own slot machines and put them into their own houses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm talking about.

[Ron Vi]

So.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[Ron Vi]

When you hit a jackpot. Yeah. Do you pay yourself? What do you do? Do you just go to, like, how so does this thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you two not understanding about feeling like you're winning at home but.

[Dave Anthony]

You'Re not winning at home? You're just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, I am. I'm getting a heath bar for 55 cents. E2. Yeah, but it's like snack bingo, asshole.

[Dave Anthony]

Ordering food.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I'm not. The man's putting it in there. He's got the key. It's the round little key. What are you talking about?

[Dave Anthony]

I don't think you know how anything works.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think you need to come visit my awesome situation.

[Dave Anthony]

Don't want to. I think the boat smells good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not getting a little bag of rolled goals or any donuts.

[Ron Vi]

I could just picture it getting stuck right now, and then you have to shake the vending machine, but then it Shake your boat, and then your boat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, no. Look, we're gonna get back to the premise of the show in a minute, but let me clear a little Something up for two naysayers. You don't need to shake the vending machine. You take the boat out for a little while and nature not sit down for you.

[Dave Anthony]

You are a boat idiot.

[Ron Vi]

I wish we could go back in time and have Nelly write an article on you and your boat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You better believe Nelly's probably. Good lord.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. More stats.

[Ron Vi]

Nelly will be like, you want that snack? Don't pay for it. Take it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Let him put his hand up there and steal the snacks off of the little slinky.

[Ron Vi]

Slinky.

[Dave Anthony]

Slinky.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That technology was probably so big in the vending machine world when some guy was like, how? But they'll be able to shake it that some guy's like, all right, wait, wait, wait. I think we're just. We're running around in circles and I. I think. And someone's like, wait, wait, Run around in circles? Yeah. Like. Like we could lodge the food in a spiral. We can space it and then it'll rotate. It gives us the opportunity for the food to drop.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, but so we can get rid. We can get rid of the bird that goes and takes it with his beak and drops it into the hole.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We no longer need the vending bird.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No more vending vultures.

[Dave Anthony]

This is exciting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. This is awesome.

[Dave Anthony]

All sorts of books in circulation and in any quantity. 90. There's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't even remember what we were talking about to be quite.

[Dave Anthony]

This is the list of white New York riots.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Sorry. All sorts of bad books in circulation. So, so bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Being non bible.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, non Bible. 92. Oh, now they actually actual stat because it's very, very specific. Number 99. 232 arrests by police last year. Three fourths of which were traceable to drunkenness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's that. You'd be proud of that.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's so much alcohol.

[Dave Anthony]

People are having fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

6,000 places where liquor is sold. 25,000 abandoned women keeping up their end of the so called social evil. 2500 brothels arrests in 1862 equaling one every nine commitments to prison. One in every 22 of the entire citizenship. The cost of crime, pauperism and moral obliquity. More than 3 million this year. Half a million of people living in tenement houses. 25,000 persons living underground. Oh, that's like Vegas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That might be my new option.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Bless us. Talk about the riots. Isn't it a miracle that they don't have a riot every few minutes instead of one every 10 or 15 years? So he's Basically saying poor people are poor. That's what he's saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

People are poor, poor, drunk, and looking to bang.

[Dave Anthony]

And they're not all in church.

[Ron Vi]

I no longer want to go back to 1860. I want to take someone from 1860 and drop them in New York right now, right this minute.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Changed.

[Ron Vi]

How did these statistics hold up?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, seriously.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He ends up just loving Bubba Gump. You're like, look, yeah, I had a whole plan for your existence. I was fixing to go back to Bubba Gump today. That lady who let you in or not, she told me the wait was going to be an hour 45 because they were on a rush. What does that mean? I wanted you to go explore the city a little more. That Bubba grump got the best seasoned fries. And they'll let you put all those fixings on for nothing. Look, I took you out of 1863 to get your take on modern day New York. The bathrooms in Bubba Gump are so different from the ones of my time. I could take you to bathrooms that were way better than that. I don't want to trust anything other than their shitter at Bubba Gum. Look at the menu, Ron. I've been here before, Ron. You have brought me into paradise, and I could never repay you. There's like a thousand better restaurants right around here.

[Ron Vi]

We can go to Olive Garden.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll never go to a Garden of Olives. Why would I do that? This place is full of shrimp. They can do it so many different ways. In my time, they were considered copper cockroaches, but it's one of the most versatile things on a menu ever. And did I tell you about the bathroom? The sink will wash your hands for you. And it's a great place for ass cleaning, too, Ron.

[Ron Vi]

As long as they don't let the copperheads in here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Long as the Copperheads don't come here, we'll be fine. Ron, I was fixing you. And I could go live under that table back there. That way we don't have to wait for paradise every day.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm mostly just thinking about an Italian Homer Simpson running through an Olive Garden. A garden of Olives. That's what I'm stuck on now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The cutaway.

[Dave Anthony]

Got a big black mustache. The draft in New York State. In Kingston, New York, the draft and seven out districts of Greene county were completed today. The best of order prevailed. The draft took place in Poughkeepsie today. The best of feeling prevailed. And in the evening, the conscripts pray to the streets, accompanied by a band of music among the drafted was the chief engineer of the fire department and the editor of the Poughkeepsian. So they're basically saying they're not New York animals.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're like, oh, you've never felt better than getting drafted into a war, you idiot. There's a band, by the way, if you live in Pskepsie now, you'd be like, draft me, draft me. For the love of God, bread.

[Dave Anthony]

Riot at Mobile, Alabama.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Refugees who have lately arrived within our lines bring exciting reports of the terrible conditions of affairs in the South. One man who left a Mobile on the fifth states that a terrible riot broke out among the soldiers wives on the 4th. About 600 women and children collected on Spring Hill armed with clubs and hatchets. Good order. That's a beautiful sight. Women and kids. Yeah, yeah. And march.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, honestly, my dream would be for a kid with a hatchet. I'd be like, buddy, I'm going to hatchet kill you. Like right now. Just snatch it away so fast. 8 year old with a hatchet.

[Dave Anthony]

So if a kid comes to you with a hatchet, you're going to take it from him and kill him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I thought you guys are gonna get on board a little faster and now it feels lonely over here. But yeah, I'd be like coming at me with a hatchet who's like gonna kill you.

[Dave Anthony]

What if I just take it away and not kill him?

[Ron Vi]

I mean, this seems like nothing. If you've been to like a Mobile Waffle House at 3 in the morning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is.

[Ron Vi]

Can you imagine dropping them now and putting them there? See what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ron, it's unbelievable. The food they got in there, the syrup. They'll let you take as much as you can. Stop bringing people back there. Without telling them what their mission is.

[Dave Anthony]

They marched through the principal streets carrying banners on which they're inscribed, on which were inscribed bread or blood. Bread or peace. Etc.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll have some piss.

[Dave Anthony]

I'll have some piss, people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like the peace.

[Dave Anthony]

Being soldiers, wives, their proceedings were winked at by the soldiers who made but a feeble resistance. Stores were broken open and forcibly entered. One merchant, a Jew. Oh my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Let's all have a moment. Holy me. Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

One merchant, a Jew, struck one of the women.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Quit reading it.

[Dave Anthony]

Some policemen who were present arrested the Jew and beat him severely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I think they're trying to make a point here. This gentleman was Jewish. Subtle about it, but the point is being made.

[Ron Vi]

But quick question, was there a band?

[Dave Anthony]

No, bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

After they beat him. Oh my God.

[Dave Anthony]

Many citizens have left town. Among whom was our informant, who says the riot was increasing when he left. Well, yeah.

[Ron Vi]

And the informant was not a Jew.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No non Jew.

[Ron Vi]

No Jew.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jew or no Jew. Yeah. Page.

[Dave Anthony]

Page four is Jew news.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Jews. Breaking. Jews.

[Dave Anthony]

Jew?

[Ron Vi]

I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

We did it. Oh, here's some. Sinbad the sailor. It is generally conceded now that most of the wondrous adventures of Sinbad during the seven voyages as related in the Arabian Nights entertainments are literally founded on facts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. We can finally say that Sinbad was real and his adventures true.

[Dave Anthony]

Sinbad lived in the 8th century and his voyage popular.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine in 1863 being like. We could finally confirm something for the 18th century. We have the technology now. A wizard sucked on Sinbad's bones and said they tasted real. So confirmed.

[Dave Anthony]

There you go. Cyclops happened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cyclops real. Look at this skeleton. No eyes. Bingo.

[Dave Anthony]

It is popularized in the Arabian.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no.

[Ron Vi]

I was just thinking like, about how like, I can't wait for this article to end. Be like. And in his. In Sinbad's next life, he will be a stand up comedian and wearing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great one.

[Dave Anthony]

Wearing bright clothes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very great one. I did. I did a gig once in. In like Alabama. And it was like, man, it was like seriously, like 30 people there. And. And then after the show, the GM of the club, we just. I don't know, I don't remember his name. But me and the staff of that club partied so fucking hard that the next day I left. And I was like, who were they? What just happened? Like, we ordered a. We smoked. We were just. It was crazy. But he was like, you know the one guy who's never had a bad set. And you can ask any club manager anywhere. Sinbad, he's like, never bombed. And that was like a night when I bombed. I was like.

[Dave Anthony]

It'S time for the Sinbad talk. Young comedian.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I was like, cool, mister.

[Ron Vi]

I love when they. I love when they give you like. Like, I was just at a gig last weekend and a customer comes up to me and goes, oh, you're here this weekend? I'm like, yes. And they're like, oh, I thought it was supposed to be. And they named a comic and I made a joke. I'm like, well, I hope you're not looking for smart jokes, because that's what that comic does. And that's not what I have. And on the way out, that guy comes up to me and goes, oh, no, your stuff was pretty good. You had three smart jokes. I'M like, oh, thanks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks for counting.

[Ron Vi]

I'm glad you were keeping a tally on that. Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sometimes the in person yelp they'll give you is like. Like, the most painful thing ever.

[Ron Vi]

Well, and then it gets worse because I got home and the next day they found me on social media and then told me that they were an aspiring comedian and do I have any advice for them? And I just wrote. I wrote right. Smarter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, that is great. That's actually great for that because that means they were not coming from the John Q. Customer standpoint. They were like. Like, I'm awesome.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Ron Vi]

Always enjoyed that instant feedback.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was that the end of. End of sin, Bad day?

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, no. Okay. Is popularized in the book Arabian Nights. Is related in an Arabic book which was translated into French by M. Langless and published in Paris in 1848.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just would love to cut to, like, a producer. Just like, like, the truth is, not a lot of people talked about the Arabian days.

[Dave Anthony]

In his third voyage, as popularly told, Sinbad was attacked by hideous dwarves about two feet high and covered in red hair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, come on. Why are they coming to me?

[Dave Anthony]

2. 2ft, 2ft high and covered in red hair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Leprechauns, bro.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it doesn't. It turns out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It turns out the story of Sinbad killing leprechauns was real.

[Dave Anthony]

It turns out that the inhabitants of the Adamant Islands in the Bay of Bengal are dwarfs whose full height is 4ft 5 inches and their average weight only 76 pounds. They are not covered in red hair, but are painted over with red okra and oil. These aptly correspond with the pigeons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

63. Debunking is my fetish now.

[Dave Anthony]

Now, I don't know what just happened. I have to be really honest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, they basically were like, it's a crazy story they told you about Sinbad, but modern science now lets us know that those dwarves were four feet tall. And they weren't at all covered in orange moss. No, someone just painted them with okra.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not. It's.

[Ron Vi]

I love stories like. Like from this time and what? What? Like, I was in Iceland and they were like, hey, hey, hey. This field is. It's like, like, littered with, like, door, like, dwarves and mystical creatures that are all hiding. And then when you least expect it, they're gonna, like, tell stories and do songs. And then. You know why they say that is because it literally said, oh, a girl with mental illness was roaming this field on her own own, and she heard all of this. So now it must be true. So 200 years later, this is definitely true because a girl with mental illness heard it is just overlooks the waterfall, by the way, that is haunted by a ghost dog. And they say because the dog is a ghost, he blows the waterfall off course every day. And I go, yeah, it could also be wind. Wind can do that too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But did you take. Let's just go. Did you take a waterfall tour?

[Ron Vi]

Not a tour, but I went and explored many waterfalls and I looked up, I got like a whole guide and I, like, found a hidden waterfall on my own that I had to, like. I had to go over rivers. I. Yes, I definitely did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. That's what matters. This. This waterfall here was blown by a tourist.

[Ron Vi]

They say don't go chasing waterfalls, but I didn't listen because I'm a rebel. I went. I went.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No rivers and lakes that you're used to. Ron, thank you for being our left eye and joining us on this episode. Couldn't appreciate it more. I got to say, a real banger from. From bowling to the end. Yeah, top notch stuff. Please come back and congratulations on the bowling. I'm not going to lie. That was. That was awesome. But you're the best. Thank you. Any parting words? People can go to ron vi.com2ends and Ron. We know why. Because it can.

[Ron Vi]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Ron Vi]

And I always want to know where Ken is these days, but yeah, do I really want to know? I don't really want to look at my future like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't.

[Ron Vi]

Ken. I can just. Probably homeless at this point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Frankly, if Ken is out there anywhere, reach out. We'd love to put you two back in contact.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[Ron Vi]

That would be worse matchmaking than suggested in that article.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'd love to put you two in contact. So if anyone has Ken, please reach out. We'd love to get Ron. Despite the bad attitude, runs well.

[Ron Vi]

Well, thank you so much, you guys and everybody. Check me out. I update my calendar, come hang out on my social media, say hi and whatever. It's Ron with two N's.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes, it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ron.

[Ron Vi]

Ron twice a name so nice I had to write it twice.

[Dave Anthony]

Tributes to Ken.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ken, Double down on Ken. Thanks, Ron. Some of these days you'll miss me, honey. Some of these days. Oh, hey, doll heads. This is Gareth, part of the Gear Force. Listen, you're part of the Gare force. Go to garethreynolds.com if you want to see me on the road doing stand up, you could find me in Brea, California. February 7, Eureka, California, for two shows. February 11 at Savage Henry San Francisco February 12 Sacramento, February 13. Then I'll be in Naples, Florida March 24 Charlotte, April 13 Raleigh, North Carolina April 14 April 15 I'll be in Virginia Beach April 16 I'll be in Richmond, Virginia. Then I will be in Lutherville, Timonium, which is close to Baltimore, I believe, at Goobie's Joke House April 17 through April 19. Then I will be in Winnipeg May 29 through May 31. Go to garethreynolds.com for tickets and information.