121 - The Past Times with Kyle Anderson

Summary

Episode 121: The Past Times with Kyle Anderson

In this lively episode of "The Dollop," hosts Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds welcome comedian Kyle Anderson to explore a series of intriguing and often absurd historical events. Known for their comedic examination of lesser-known moments in history, the trio delves into the collapse of the old Ford Theater, a mysterious case of missing laces at a World’s Fair, the discovery of a wild man in Kentucky, tragic accidents involving children and trains, and a bizarre article on bananas as a food source. Their humorous banter and sharp wit bring these stories to life, making history both entertaining and engaging.

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1. Welcome and Introduction (00:34 - 03:12)

Gareth Reynolds kicks off the episode by introducing Kyle Anderson, highlighting his work in documentary filmmaking. The conversation quickly shifts to Kyle’s previous role as "Elk Boy," a humorous sidekick character, and his YouTube presence where he creates documentaries. Dave and Gareth express admiration for Kyle's offstage work, setting a friendly and humorous tone for the episode.

Notable Quote:

• Kyle Anderson (02:05): “Probably my favorite one is about Dao, which is this, like, insane Russian filmmaker who convinced Russian oligarch to give him a limitless budget and shoot for seven years.”

2. Guess the Year Game (05:10 - 07:00)

The trio engages in a fun game where Kyle, Gareth, and Dave guess the year of a historical newspaper excerpt provided by Dave. Kyle impressively guesses the year 1893 (06:27), narrowly missing Gareth’s guess of 1894. Dave humorously concedes Kyle's victory, adding to the playful competition.

Notable Quote:

• Dave Anthony (06:21): “Oh, my God. Kyle. So close. Kyle wins. It is 1893.”

3. Collapse of the Old Ford Theater (07:36 - 22:44)

The main focus of the episode is the tragic collapse of the old Ford Theater in Washington, historically significant as the site where Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. The hosts narrate how excavation work weakened the building’s foundation, leading to a catastrophic collapse that resulted in 24 deaths and numerous injuries.

Discussion Highlights:

• Structural Failures: Gareth and Kyle humorously dissect how poor construction practices and continuous excavation contributed to the building’s downfall.
• Courtroom Dramatization: The trio reenacts a mock courtroom scene where Colonel Ainsworth is held accountable. The exaggerated testimonies and chaotic interactions between the clerks and the colonel add comedic flair to the serious topic.

Notable Quotes:

• Gareth Reynolds (08:35): “Oh, I'd do it.”
• Kyle Anderson (24:09): “What are they doing in this building? Literally, it's moving when people like breathe.”
• Dave Anthony (22:46): “He's telling the truth.”

4. Secondary Stories (36:52 - 47:20)

Following the main story, the hosts move on to other historical anecdotes, each infused with their signature humor.

• Priceless Laces at the World’s Fair (40:26 - 41:03): They discuss the mysterious disappearance of 30 pieces of lace sent by Queen Margaret of Italy to the LA World’s Fair. The triviality of the theft compared to the prior tragedy leads to humorous comparisons and absurd suggestions.

  Notable Quote:

  • Gareth Reynolds (40:50): “Nothing grinds my gears more than when an affluent woman's fabric is missing.”

• Wild Man of Kentucky (46:00 - 47:20): The discovery of a "wild man" covered in long hair near Paduka, Kentucky, is presented with playful skepticism and imaginative storytelling.

  Notable Quote:

  • Kyle Anderson (46:12): “Caveman discovered.”

• Children and Train Accident (47:20 - 48:18): A brief yet tragic recount of two children who were killed by a train while asleep on the railroad tracks. The hosts spin this into a comedic discussion about parental warnings and children's safety.

  Notable Quote:

  • Gareth Reynolds (48:05): “Somebody walk amongst us.”

5. The Bizarre Bananas Article (47:20 - 63:04)

One of the standout segments involves dissecting an 1891 article that bizarrely posits bananas as a near-essential food source, comparable to potatoes. The hosts mock the scientific inaccuracies and the absurdity of the claims made in the article, such as needing to consume 15 pounds of bananas daily to obtain necessary nutrients.

Discussion Highlights:

• Scientific Jargon: They laugh at terms like “albano album albumoids” and the nonsensical nutritional requirements.
• Comedic Exaggeration: Kyle and Gareth take the article’s claims to absurd extremes, creating humorous scenarios about overconsumption of bananas.
• Modern Comparisons: The hosts draw parallels between historical misconceptions and today’s misinformation trends, adding relevance to the discussion.

Notable Quotes:

• Kyle Anderson (51:43): “He’s like, 'I just feel like I got to say something.'”
• Gareth Reynolds (59:04): “The banana seems to be as poor an article of food as the potato.”

6. Conclusion and Promotions (64:34 - End)

As the episode wraps up, Gareth and Dave promote Kyle Anderson’s documentary work and their own animated series in collaboration with Lakeside Animation. They encourage listeners to engage with their content online, fostering a sense of community and anticipation for future episodes.

Notable Quote:

• Gareth Reynolds (65:02): “All right, see you guys at this banana aisle.”

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Notable Quotes Highlights:

• Kyle Anderson (02:05): “Everybody was like, method acting for seven years... it's like this, like, Stanford Prison Experiment.”
• Gareth Reynolds (08:35): “Oh, I'd do it.”
• Dave Anthony (06:21): “Oh, my God. Kyle. So close. Kyle wins. It is 1893.”
• Gareth Reynolds (40:50): “Nothing grinds my gears more than when an affluent woman's fabric is missing.”
• Kyle Anderson (51:43): “He’s like, 'I just feel like I got to say something.'”

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Overall Impression:

Episode 121 of "The Dollop" seamlessly blends historical exploration with comedic storytelling. The collaboration with Kyle Anderson adds fresh perspectives and humor, making the podcast both informative and highly entertaining. From tragic building collapses to bizarre historical misconceptions about bananas, the hosts deliver a rich and engaging narrative that captivates listeners, whether they’re history buffs or casual fans seeking a good laugh.

Transcript

[Dave Anthony]

The Dollop is going on tour in June 2025. We will be in Sacramento on June 3rd. We'll be in Boise, Idaho, on June 4th, Spokane on June 5th, Seattle on June 6th, Portland on June 7th, Bend, Oregon on June 8th, and San Francisco on June 10th. Go to the dollop podcast.com to get all our tour links for tickets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, the great Kyle Anderson, who's in slime, it looks like.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, well, I just figured if I have a green screen background, people can, you know, they could green screen me until, like, January 6th or whatever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are strongly encouraging everyone on our Patreon or anywhere who's watching this or consuming it. Please do some January 6th Photoshopping with Kyle back there. Yeah, as soon as you can, Kyle. Please put him at January 6th.

[Dave Anthony]

Kyle, you used to have the horns and the fur.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You're Elk Boy Coat.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, I was his sidekick, Elk Boy. I was slightly out of most of the pictures.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He really stole the thunder.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, he. You know what I mean? We were a joint venture, and then I kind of feel like he sort of was like, qanon Shaman and Elk Boy could have been a good branding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, a lot of people took staplers and stuff that day. But what I loved about the Elk Shaman was that he walked in there and said, where's the thunder? Because, boy, howdy, did he steal it? Kyle, people could go on your YouTube. Kyle Anderson.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, Kyle Anderson comedy on YouTube. I make documentaries on there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've made some great documentaries.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes, you have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's your favorite? And then I'll tell you mine.

[Kyle Anderson]

Well, I have a lot of them I made on there. Probably my favorite one is about Dao, which is this, like, insane. Basically, there's this Russian filmmaker who convinced Russian oligarch to give him, like, a limitless budget and shoot for seven years.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God, I haven't seen this one.

[Kyle Anderson]

Everybody, everybody was like, method acting for seven years. And he got, like, real X KGB to play the kgb. So, like, if you had your iPhone out, you got, like, thrown in, like, the jail on set, and, like, it became like this, like, Stanford Prison Experiment. And then there's seven movies made out of it. And, oh, my God, like, they're really. The DP is incredible. So they, like. They're amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Part of me is like, should I not Watch this. And do you want to do an episode, Dave, if we ever go to Russia?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, kind of. Yeah.

[Kyle Anderson]

It's in the Ukraine. It's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you. You also self ignited your own industry when you made the Kristalia problem again. Dave and I, he's a friend of show. Friend of show, friend of show. So we don't actually like what you did to our boy, but I don't.

[Dave Anthony]

I actually. I'm actually not a fan of his comedy, but I'm a few. Huge fan of his offstage work, if that makes sense.

[Kyle Anderson]

Well, I'm a fan of his Snapchat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got. Exactly. I got a. I got the tattoo around here somewhere on my neck. He didn't even ask me to, but I just. Some of the ladies who had it, I wanted to.

[Kyle Anderson]

How funny would it be if I got the same neck tattoo he got this week?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's. Here's what you do.

[Kyle Anderson]

That would be so physical.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm getting. I'm getting delightful on my neck that you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You literally. Kyle, this is what I would love for you. Whatever he puts out, you spoof it word for word and just do it a week later. So every clip that comes out, everything he has, you pretend you have a kid. Every post, just live. Live in a. The Leo Worm all the week. Anyway, he's part of the show, so we don't want to.

[Dave Anthony]

He loves it. He loves it when we rip him about all of his sexual proclivities. Crimes that people call them crimes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I was going to.

[Kyle Anderson]

I was going to wear my Brendan Schaub hoodie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tell Dave. Tell Dave what I dropped off. Tell. Drive. Tell Dave what I dropped off at your house. Yes.

[Kyle Anderson]

Oh my God. So the rap gift for our movie, fucking Gareth comes over and brings me a whiskey decanter. And I'm like, oh my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I give amazing decanter. And he's like, oh my God, that's so nice.

[Kyle Anderson]

And then he's like, pull it out, buddy. Pull it out. And I pull it out. It's a. It's Bill Maher's podcast, Club Random. It's a Club Random whiskey decanter with a matching whiskey glass. And I came in and I like started moving my wedding pictures out of the way and shit. I'm like, this house here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got it. We now. This house is a club Random House.

[Kyle Anderson]

My wife is like, okay, I guess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, Club Random House did the dollop book. Anyway, Kyle.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what we do here. I know you've never listened to the show. You've made that very clear online. We're going to guess the year that this paper could be from. Now, Dave will make it seem like you win no matter what, but you're going to guess first. Could be 1600s, could be in 2004. Okay. But it's probably going to be in the middle there. You take a guess first, then I'll guess. Whoever's closer gets to sleep at Dave's house for.

[Kyle Anderson]

For two years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For two years.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna go with one of. One of my favorite years in. In cinema. In one. In movies. 1999.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're out of your mind. You never have listened to this podcast. Not gonna be 1990. I'm about to win this.

[Kyle Anderson]

Is it the worst thing about this podcast that, like, any of the stories you cover could be from, like, 1680 or, like, this week?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we talk about it all the time where we're like. It's like that joke is honestly where, like, I. And I'm like, I'll do it one more time. Hey, Dave. Times were very different back. I'm gonna guess the year is 1894.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. Kyle. So close. Kyle wins. It is 1893.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shut the up. Is it 1893?

[Kyle Anderson]

Is that the closest you've ever got?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, I've gotten it right before. And Dave still said the guest was right.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, the vibes are often off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shut up with the vibes. You are, Dalia.

[Kyle Anderson]

A year. That's impressive. It's just out of all of them that there are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a lot of them, too. You look it up.

[Dave Anthony]

This is the Havana Press. Havana, Kansas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, to make a good cigar, you got to do the Havana Press.

[Kyle Anderson]

The Havana Press is my wrestling finisher. Move.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, the Havana Press. That's what the Cuban bulls did.

[Kyle Anderson]

Oh, my God. The Cuban bull. He's about to hit the Havana Press. Bodies everywhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's literally eating a guy's face.

[Kyle Anderson]

Is he allowed to do that? It's wrestling, buddy. Anything goes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The ref has his back turned for some reason. He's literally eating his brains out.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, this first story is really long, but I had no idea about this, and it's crazy. A terrible disaster. Collapse of the old Ford Theater in Washington. Ford's historic old theater. The building in which Abraham Lincoln was assassinated.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That theater was like, we also still do plays.

[Kyle Anderson]

It's like terrible tragedy. Theater turned into comedy club.

[Dave Anthony]

Nobody could thought it could go this dark.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Which has been used by the government for many years as part of the office of the surgeon general of the army.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, wait, wait, so.

[Kyle Anderson]

So the. The place he got shot was then turned into like an. Like the theater was turned into an office for the surgeon general.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Because I'm sure nobody wanted to go to the theater after that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I'd do it.

[Dave Anthony]

So they're so 100.

[Kyle Anderson]

That's how. That's the difference between then and now is now everyone would be like, I gotta make a tick tock. Where the president.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Kyle Anderson]

If you're not making content, if that place isn't on peer space, the rent out hourly. Dude.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What I do is I'd like sign the docusign and then be like, oh, wait, is that where Lincoln got shot? Oh, no wonder the numbers suck. I just heard it was a five hour drive from Baltimore. It was.

[Kyle Anderson]

Was like, okay, yeah, I'm doing a photo shoot with this girl. We're gonna do one of those ones where they're like a bath of milk. We're doing it where Lincoln got shot. It's gonna be sick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tick tocking. Where Lincoln got shot. Poof.

[Kyle Anderson]

We're shooting a rap video. The budget's $300. But we got the place that Lincoln got shot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got that booth where Lincoln got shot. We got the booth where Lincoln got shot up there.

[Kyle Anderson]

It's extra for the booth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That's the guy who runs it now.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah. Are you John Wilkes Booth in a mustache?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, he's super, super cool. I mean, I guess you guys can use the boat. You guys can do it.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whose dogs?

[Dave Anthony]

My dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the male carrier.

[Dave Anthony]

No, the neighbor's lawn guy is here. Hold on, let me deal with this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Neighbor'S lawn guys here. Sounds like a porn.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah. Dave's about to go and get his D sucked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He fell. Dave almost. What if Dave. That would be amazing.

[Kyle Anderson]

If Dave fell and we were 600 golden doodles come in the room.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Or. But if Dave fell and passed out and you and I had to figure out a way to get the authorities to Dave's place. Dave slipped in his hallway on a riverside record.

[Dave Anthony]

Are you guys laughing at. Because I have a fake leg.

[Kyle Anderson]

A peg leg?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I have a peg leg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not allowed to say that anymore.

[Dave Anthony]

I have peg leg.

[Kyle Anderson]

Is not peaceful.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. I mean, but I have a peg leg.

[Kyle Anderson]

There's a pirate who's like, he's not very good to see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not a peg leg. She's a wooden limb.

[Kyle Anderson]

The parrot's like, it's outdated.

[Dave Anthony]

All right. Back to back to the back. To the story which has been used by the government for many years as part of the office of the Surgeon General of the army, collapsed yesterday morning shortly after 9:30 o'clock. Nobody says it like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope, not okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Nobody says 9:30 o'clock.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I am honestly going to start using that. If someone. What time is 10:30 o'clock?

[Kyle Anderson]

Oh, you gotta hit Gareth in the back of the head with a shoe again. He's doing it again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

11:45 o'clock.

[Kyle Anderson]

Oh, get the shoe. Get the shoe. He's all up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Noon o'clock.

[Kyle Anderson]

Oh, God, we need the shoe.

[Dave Anthony]

Where is it? With a terrible result in loss of life and injury. At least 24 persons were killed and scores injured. I mean, that's impressive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's.

[Dave Anthony]

That's a lot of. The building stood on 10th Street. Okay. Who cares? It had been condemned three times. The first, then. It's not condemned if there's still people inside.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I mean, this is America. This is America. America. Like, someone comes in, like, some guy's like, yeah, this is all going to collapse. And they're like, all right, cool. We're not going to do anything.

[Kyle Anderson]

All right. Scores of us about to head in there, though. You got a problem with that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, that should be fine. Come on, guys, let's go.

[Kyle Anderson]

You. It's.

[Dave Anthony]

You guys are worried about the collapsing a president.

[Kyle Anderson]

We shot in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Scores of us.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Kyle Anderson]

It's really like. You remember when. When the dude from Fast and Furious died, everybody was like, rip him. Yeah. Rip Paul Walker and the other dude in the car.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Kyle Anderson]

That's how I feel about this place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't want to ever be like, that's why I won't ever get in the car with a movie star.

[Kyle Anderson]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Kyle Anderson]

You can't be the third most famous person who died.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The idea that it's like Paul Walker, his best friend. And a third.

[Dave Anthony]

It has been condemned three times. The first years ago. Some claim as many as 15 or 20, but had been repaired, propped up, and renovated from year to year.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

When it was condemned by Colonel Rogers of the War Department in 1880. So that's 13 years ago.

[Kyle Anderson]

Also. Also jobs like the War Department that, like people condemning buildings that, like that. That job isn't even a thing anymore.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's not it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

On signal. Not a lot of people know that.

[Dave Anthony]

Syria.

[Kyle Anderson]

To think somehow that they paid us to condemn it.

[Dave Anthony]

And the government then promptly moved out its Medical Museum, which was a great museum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Must have been a house of horror.

[Kyle Anderson]

The Medical Museum was in there.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Where else would you Put a guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Carrying a brain just like, sorry, we got evicted.

[Kyle Anderson]

This is my wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. This is all that remains of my wife. He's got lungs slung over his shoulder. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Scores. Hardened scores.

[Dave Anthony]

It started because there was just blood and bandages on the floor, and they're like, what the do we do with this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we either clean it or we make it a museum.

[Kyle Anderson]

This place has got to be really shitty if theater kids won't even be in here. If you can't get a group of theater kids to do a musical inside a place, it is up.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, Up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, we're eight appendages away from this being a museum, kind of.

[Kyle Anderson]

Oh, we gotta get all these bodies out of here. Well, yeah, hold on, hold on, hold on. If you turn this into one of them bodies exhibits, we got a bunch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of lemons and you're like, what are we gonna drink? I got an idea.

[Dave Anthony]

Do we still got the Lincoln body, or is that out of there?

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's some brain we could chip off the wall.

[Kyle Anderson]

Have you guys ever seen the bodies exhibit? Like, the one that they toured around?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely. I saw it, like, when I was 14, and I was like, why'd that happen? Yeah, just what I always wanted to know, what was it like if I was paging through a body like a book. Oh, my God.

[Kyle Anderson]

I also saw it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, it looks like you're at, like, a Morton's, and you're like, that's a nice marbled ribbon.

[Kyle Anderson]

Just the cross section of a dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dude, there is, right?

[Kyle Anderson]

Yes. That was crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That. That guy. That was like, the la. The guy was like, hey, what do you say we maybe also do that with a big dick?

[Dave Anthony]

People like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Trevor, can we talk to you over here for a second?

[Dave Anthony]

I already did it.

[Kyle Anderson]

It's come out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got. There you go. I. It's already decoupaged.

[Kyle Anderson]

It's come out that, like, not all those people volunteered also. Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

Of course they didn't.

[Kyle Anderson]

Some of them did, but a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some of them just signed up for 23andMe.

[Kyle Anderson]

A lot of them were like, this is the line for. For dine in, Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can you imagine figuring that out? Like, you're at the place and you're just, like, looking like, hey, is this mirrors? This look a lot like Kevin. I don't think he said yeah to this.

[Kyle Anderson]

That's definitely the cross section of Kevin's dick if I ever seen it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, look right in the middle of his dick. I always thought it looked like.

[Kyle Anderson]

You can count the rings. It's his exact age.

[Gareth Reynolds]

38.

[Kyle Anderson]

How many dudes just missing? Like Kevin is missing, but would be 38 rings deep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Excuse me. There'll be no trying to figure out who it is. Keep moving.

[Kyle Anderson]

We've got to bring it back page by page.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, I brought my own slice of a dick. Is that all right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's. This guy's here again. Sir, sir, can we talk to you over here? We've asked.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, do you want to see it? Because I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we're not like a gallery.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Kyle Anderson]

Don't worry, Dave. You get caught, I've got the real one. Get caught with the decoy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's going on over there?

[Kyle Anderson]

Don't worry. This guy's got it. Security get this guy? Yeah, he's suspicious, not me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a weird jacket you have on.

[Dave Anthony]

Just walking around in there. Hey, buddy, you like that one? Check out this one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way. How begging for a night of the museum rip off. That's.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah. 28 days later meets night at the museum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A night of a guy like, hi.

[Dave Anthony]

Just draws a. Draws the night watchman in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, let me out. I was murdered. I know where there's treasure.

[Dave Anthony]

And then he takes them over to another slice of dick. There it is.

[Kyle Anderson]

We named him Treasure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was a stripper.

[Kyle Anderson]

Some of us were scientists, but most of us were strippers. It's the final strip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is there any way I can see like a more cut up vagina? I mean, it's. By definition. It's kind of what a dick these dicks are. Anyway, I gotta go.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. So moved out of its medic museum. They're stored and exhibited. But the caution then displayed extended only to the exhibits. And the building had since been kept crowded. Crowded with clerks despite successive condemnation. So they. So they were like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They bring more people in.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, they moved out the museum and then they're just like, but we'll have employees in here instead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're like, yeah, no, the museum was not what we were worried about. Okay? We replaced all the exhibits with humans.

[Kyle Anderson]

It's very good to be like. To be like, okay, we gotta get the important out of here. Like the vats of old brains. Just put some, like, workers in here. Those don't. Yes. Scores of workers.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, guess how many workers.

[Kyle Anderson]

Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, you're. The fact that you're saying guess makes me upset, so I'm gonna. I'll guess. I mean, it's a theater. It's like, how much shit could you do?

[Kyle Anderson]

I'm sitting at my typewriter up in the booth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Where are they working and what are they doing?

[Kyle Anderson]

Amazon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna guess just to. Just to not over guess at the thing where I say a thousand and you're like 120, asshole. I'm gonna say 48.

[Dave Anthony]

It's 475.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the fuck?

[Dave Anthony]

What in the are they doing? What are they doing? How are they. How is the setup?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is awesome.

[Dave Anthony]

It's an open space work situation.

[Kyle Anderson]

We don't have computers yet. So together we're just one big computer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're each in charge of a letter I. I. That is shocking.

[Dave Anthony]

Shocking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like that's that. That if there was a play and that was that many people there, right? That's a lot.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah. Sold out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

There were 475 persons, mostly government clerks employed in the building. And near all of those work were at work when the building fell. They did get dosed.

[Kyle Anderson]

You're telling me 500 people got collapsed in the building where Lincoln got shot? And we're still calling it the building where Lincoln got shot? Yes, I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Paul Walker.

[Dave Anthony]

Hello.

[Kyle Anderson]

Die frees the slaves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They should put Lincoln's brain in that. Like that exhibit.

[Kyle Anderson]

It's got the bullet in it still.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

An excavation for an electric light plant was being made in the cellar of the structure. And according to the best information obtainable, the workman this morning had dug beneath the foundation supports in the front of the building. So they're doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We gotta guess. This is.

[Kyle Anderson]

This is what I was gonna say is the building is now three times condemned. And they're like, what if we got rid of all the ground under it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you also. I don't. I would, I would. I want to see Jesse Ventura break this one down. I have a. It's a controlled demolition.

[Kyle Anderson]

I like to imagine the whole place is just like. It's like shaking back and forth. And they're like, I think up is bad, but down could work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. They might. Honestly, when it first got said, I was like, you can't take a down from down. Up, not all works. You ever seen loose change?

[Dave Anthony]

I mean they're literally. It's a condemned building and someone's like, what if we put an electric light plant underneath it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, let's start digging while everyone's here.

[Kyle Anderson]

What if we fill it with people? Then it can't topple over. Cuz it's so full of people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're like weights.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah. What's cheap and takes up space.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Meanwhile, the cast of Midsummer's like, can you keep it down? Here's what we're doing for the whole building.

[Kyle Anderson]

Building is toppling over. And they're all like Jellicoe cats.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jellicoe cats.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

His magic couldn't even get him out of this one.

[Dave Anthony]

So the workmen this morning had dug beneath the foundation supports in the front of the building, weakening them to such an extent that the walls gave way before they could be jacked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It sounds like a come and go rest up.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, you get in the great cast party, you could get janked too.

[Dave Anthony]

This explanation of the cause of the accident is the only one advanced, but it seems somewhat strange in view of the fact that the top floor gave way first.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See three.

[Dave Anthony]

There's three stories theory where they're all.

[Kyle Anderson]

Like playing the video back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're like, the pancake building doesn't fall.

[Kyle Anderson]

Like that doesn't work. Yeah, they're loose changing this.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, they are loose changing this. Yeah. Men who were in the building say the crash came without warning. Those on the top floor were suddenly precipitated to the four below.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Precipitated way of saying that they fell to their deaths. Yeah.

[Kyle Anderson]

Turn to mulch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Another one gone from precipitating.

[Kyle Anderson]

We lost 700 today to precipitation.

[Dave Anthony]

And the weight of the falling timber and furniture carried the second and first floors down.

[Kyle Anderson]

The furniture, the idea that they're like, you know what it really was? I think it was the digging plus the furniture.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was the incessant digging below the foundation and all those top floor couches.

[Kyle Anderson]

Well, I was telling everybody we didn't need 48 bookshelves on top of 400 people in the shambling price destroyed building that we're digging out from under. But at least we got the brain vat out of there.

[Dave Anthony]

Some guy comes out of the rubble just holding a slice of dick.

[Kyle Anderson]

We could rebuild. We have enough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The one the prophecy spoke, Kevin.

[Dave Anthony]

The insecurity of the building had been repeatedly reported for a long time past. Whenever a heavily loaded wagon has gone by, the building seem to sway as the clerks describe the sensation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's crazy.

[Kyle Anderson]

What are they doing in this building? Literally, it's moving when people like breathe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Against it, like your first day at work and you're like, is it swaying? It's probably a heavy wagon. When they go by, it's pretty bad.

[Kyle Anderson]

Also, do you know how fast a wagon goes?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my gosh. But it'll be over in an hour.

[Dave Anthony]

When the first rumbling warning of the approaching collapse came, the clerks on the third floor to the number of 80 rushed to the windows and jumped for the roof of an annex and Escape.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine seeing. Hey, what are you guys doing?

[Kyle Anderson]

Dude, I've been here three days.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it just me or those guys just jump out of the window?

[Kyle Anderson]

Even better. You're just like. You're in the saloon. You're just, like, washing a mug. You know, you look out the window and you see, like, World War Z 80 clerks parkouring out of a window, chasing Jason Bourne.

[Dave Anthony]

None of those who escaped injury could tell when the floors first gave way to the occupants of each floor. There was but one crash heard, and instantly the whole building was filled with blinding lime dust. What the.

[Kyle Anderson]

Well, we use it to build in case somebody comes in, they want to take over the building. We'll destroy it. We'll blind them with lime dust. We booby trap. You gotta think these things through when you build.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like a Sprite 911.

[Dave Anthony]

Running through all the stories. And in the middle of the building was a light wall, 10ft or more long and nearly as wide. The fatal area was in front of this, leaving a space of six or seven feet. The back part of the building, containing more than half of the floor space, remained intact.

[Kyle Anderson]

I'm gonna be honest. The fact that they're still investigating past the obvious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

It's really crazy.

[Kyle Anderson]

The fact that they've been like, three times. There was also a light wall. It's like. I think there was a lot of issues. Dude.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it was all those ottomans.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, this is. Okay, when did this happen, though? Because this is dated. Okay. June 10th. So this paper is June 16th.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. So it's recent.

[Dave Anthony]

So it happened a week ago. So now here's a follow up a couple days later. On June 13, Ainsworth denounced messengers of Colonel. Ainsworth told the clerks with bated breath that it was the colonel's orders that the clerks walk softly and go up and down the stairs on tiptoe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I mean, it's like a haunted house.

[Kyle Anderson]

He goes, look, we could fix the place. Anybody could fix a building. But my staff knows how to lose.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Weight, and they need it when they're all dead. I told them not to walk, so heel heavy. They were asking for it.

[Dave Anthony]

This is like. This should be like, the first thing that is ready to people who are thinking about maybe unionizing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Without.

[Kyle Anderson]

I was literally gonna be like, hey, you guys know how we're getting rid of OSHA right now? You know how that rules?

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, guys.

[Kyle Anderson]

Walk softly into that great second story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

The building was known to all of the clerks as the death trap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. And not because of Lincoln. This building. Imagine having where the President got shot and being like, I think we can out tragedy that.

[Kyle Anderson]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

But the bread. But their bread and butter depended on their work there. So they could do nothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There'll be no union, there'll be no butter, and there's a bread tax.

[Dave Anthony]

Such was the sensational testimony given yesterday before the coroner's jury investigating the Ford's Theater disaster last Friday by Smith Thompson, one of the clerks who had escaped the disaster. Smith Thompson, the clerk who had denounced Colonel Ainsworth at the relief meeting Friday and had given the sensational testimony above, said he had been a civil engineer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. There were civil engineers in the building.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And they're like, hey, this is real bad. What do you know? Like, everything.

[Kyle Anderson]

This guy goes. This guy goes, I'm a civil engineer. They go, what? He goes, it's a job we invented six days ago when the building got destroyed.

[Dave Anthony]

Every day he went below stairs and watched the progress of the excavation. He saw no pillars or props used in holding up the first floor. They're excavating without propping it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't need that, though. All right, all right, all right. Sky is falling. Chicken Little Dave, let me tell you a thing or two you don't need. Those beams are overrated.

[Kyle Anderson]

They're, like, trying to dig it out with, like, Minecraft logic. It'll just stay in place and take out everything underneath.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm telling you, it's gonna work. I watch my kid do this a bunch.

[Kyle Anderson]

He does it all the fucking time. He's a civil engineer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As they're digging. How come they never put schools on mines? Would you keep digging and shut the fuck up? You're right.

[Kyle Anderson]

Our work depends on us being here. Shut the up.

[Dave Anthony]

The one stairway was not sufficient for the rapid exit of one half the clerks in safety.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In going down, guys, flee on your tippy toes. Flee on your tippy toes.

[Dave Anthony]

In going down the stairway, he heard clerks call out, take care. The stairs are unsafe. This is insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, it's. It's very rare when a paper starts off with a banger and it has the length it deserves, but, oh, my God, one that's doing it right.

[Kyle Anderson]

This is also. You know, this colonel was like. I mean, if anything does happen, they'll at least all die.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kyle Anderson]

When that guy made it to trial, he was like, shit. I know. We should have made the stairs worse. Yeah, he's doing, like, the Home Alone stuff. He's putting, like, tar and, like, nails on the Stairs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The colonel tried to home alone. My client, he's just sitting there. I don't know what the hell. How the hell does this guy even know about that? The door handles were hot. My client's head was burned from a torch.

[Kyle Anderson]

Is your client currently tying a string to a paint can?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your honor. I bet you can't catch me. I'm all the way up here. Colonel. Sit down.

[Dave Anthony]

And now, why were. For the survivors. Why were the stairs iced? So they slid as they came out of the building.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I wanted to get them down as fast as possible. That was the same with the mini cars at the base of the stairway. I was hoping that would help scoot them along. You understand?

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. At this, at this stage in Mr. Thompson's testimony, there was a strange. There was a strange scene illustrating the bitter feelings against Colonel Ainsworth. A majority of the spectators present were clerks who have been employed in the old theater building. And Mr. Warner hated that.

[Kyle Anderson]

They're all like. It's like a Simpsons gag. They all have like ice packs and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like arm casts on and they're like just sitting there. Oh, you. A lot of you pulled through, huh? That's good.

[Dave Anthony]

Mr. Warner, one of the jurists asked the witness, what was the feeling of the clerks in the theater building toward their superior officer? Colonel Ainsworth? Thompson answered, quote, that of abject fear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's nice.

[Kyle Anderson]

It was like the building was trying to eat us. It was terrifying. We all thought it had come alive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like if the building became a man. Well, that's nice.

[Dave Anthony]

The applause came from a portion of the room where most of the clerks were sitting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The colonel gets up and like waves his hat. Thank you, Bo. That's very nice. That's very nice.

[Kyle Anderson]

You guys hear I'm killing. I'm gonna go and kill Tony.

[Dave Anthony]

Colonel Ainsworth grew red and the corner lectured the offenders.

[Kyle Anderson]

Don't you be clapping for that.

[Dave Anthony]

He's telling the truth.

[Kyle Anderson]

He's on back the hecklers.

[Dave Anthony]

The letter from Secretary Lamont was read, giving assurance that no clerk need fear dismissal on account of his testimony at the app.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's bad for me.

[Kyle Anderson]

You guys don't need to fear dismissal. If you do testify though, we are going to make you go work in the a new place we're calling the Sweat Trap. This place is really fun. It's right at the center of the earth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's where Washington lived.

[Dave Anthony]

At the afternoon session, a well dressed man shaking his fist in Colonel Ainsworth face shouted, quote. You murdered my brother and you ain't shanked and you shanked Sit there intimidating.

[Kyle Anderson]

These witnesses, and you ain't shanked.

[Dave Anthony]

And you shanked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shant.

[Dave Anthony]

The man was Charles Barnes, whose brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Charles Barkley.

[Dave Anthony]

Whose brother was a victim.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boy, the idea that the Colonel, like, the Colonel was probably there. He was like, I don't think I should have come to this.

[Dave Anthony]

This is a bad call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The energy is pretty bad.

[Dave Anthony]

You guys liked me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's just sitting there hoping that the courtroom collapses. That had really bailed me the out.

[Dave Anthony]

He's got some guys digging down below. He's like, come on, boys, get going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on, guys.

[Dave Anthony]

Looking at his watch.

[Kyle Anderson]

God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your honor, I can't even hear it over here at the foundation, as a.

[Dave Anthony]

Gift, I'll give you 40 bookshelves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your Honor, I suggest we all jump as hard as we can. Please.

[Kyle Anderson]

Your honor, he goes to, like, testify for himself. He's like, nah, I am just a simple. Stop, stop, stop. So the lawyer. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a regular man who. They call me the Jackhammer. The human Jackhammer. What the fuck? Everyone run up and down the stairs. Let's move these couches up to the top of the building.

[Kyle Anderson]

That don't feel like justice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's how we avenge the deaths of these workers. Colonel, sit down.

[Kyle Anderson]

So did we get a number on how many people died?

[Dave Anthony]

I think. Let's see. After the uproar, this occasion had quieted. It was 24 so far, but I bet it's more. After the uproar thus occasioned had quieted, Mr. Davis, representing Colonel Ainsworth, started to speak. When a dozen excited department clerks rose to their feet and shouted for him to sit down. The lieutenant, Police. Shut up, you piece of shit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Order.

[Kyle Anderson]

Except everyone's like, you shan't speak any further.

[Dave Anthony]

The lieutenant of police endeavored to quiet the outbreak, but his voice was ineffectual. Soon nearly every clerk present who had been employed in the old theater was on his feet shouting, sit down. Shut your mouth. But finally, someone who was frenzy cried, hang him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that. They hear that guy. He's like, let that guy speak. He should be hanged. Never mind. Not him. Never mind.

[Dave Anthony]

Men sprang forward at this time, and it looked as if harm would come to Colonel Ainsworth. Some of the clerks were shaking their fists over his head, and others were pushing forward as if they wished to tear him to pieces. Yeah, right.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah. That's what. Kind of like. There's situations where it's like, do we need a trial? Or can we just give the guys who survived revived the building 20 minutes with him?

[Dave Anthony]

Let's have A trial after we kill him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. That really should just. I mean, with the way it's going. The problem is, though, they would be like. We use it rarely, like for Luigi Mangione.

[Kyle Anderson]

Right, right, right, right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who's gonna get the death penalty? According to Pam Bondi, by the way.

[Dave Anthony]

Jer Warner finally managed to quiet the people, and the deputy coroner adjourned the inquest. Okay, do you want to know how many didn't make it? Let's see.

[Kyle Anderson]

Welcome back to everybody's favorite American game show. How many didn't make it? Gareth, you're playing today. How many do you think didn't escape this horrible fate of civil engineering?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, boy, it seems like that whole place was real shaky. And they kept skating scores and scores. I'm gonna go with 112.

[Dave Anthony]

Todd, it wasn't. It was only 22.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wow. Lovely. That's nothing.

[Kyle Anderson]

So you know what I say? Another to make an omelet. You know, that's right. Break a few eggs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kyle Anderson]

Think about all the good clerking that happened, though. Nobody's talking about.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They were able to reupholster the chairs with all the money they saved you. Like that crown molding that was built on the backs of those people paper.

[Kyle Anderson]

It also fell onto the backs of the same people who built it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It probably killed a couple of them.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I'm trying to find it, but it's actually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I wonder what happened to Colonel Ainsley, is his name.

[Dave Anthony]

22 clerks and injuring 68.

[Kyle Anderson]

Knowing how this stuff works, it's like Colonel Ainsley went on to become the king of the world.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, no, he. He totally got away with it. They. Of course, they said. I read it yesterday, but they said there wasn't enough, like, evidence to prove that he knew it was. Yeah, he walked, of course.

[Kyle Anderson]

Death trap. And he's like, holy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm looking at a picture of it. It is crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's crazy. It's really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Looks like a fire burned it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, good. Great. Good work, everybody. Yeah. They knew it was a death trap. The guy gets away with it. Of course. It's America. This guy always gets away with it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course. Well, what are you going to do? Change your policy and go to work?

[Kyle Anderson]

I love that. This guy is also just like. They probably let him. They were like, you know what? We tried to pin this on him. I feel bad. Let's make him in the general of buildings. Like, it's always like, he's going to be promoted exactly into what he should not fucking do.

[Dave Anthony]

Of course they had. The workers were black guys in the basement. And one of them told the Evening Star that he was concerned about the building's safety. Just one day before, quote, I told my employer yesterday that the archway would fall for every time anyone walked over the floor, it would bend. I tell you, I was scared and I got out there as quick as I could. The floor was bending and they just kept fucking.

[Kyle Anderson]

This reminds me of my buddy. My buddy when I lived in Vegas. Used to live in the. This terrible apartment right by the airport. And it was so cheap that the floor in the hall, he lived on the second floor. The hallway floor would actually bend like when you walked across it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Want that? You guys are freaking. You want that?

[Dave Anthony]

You want a trampoline?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think if you're the real estate guy, like, and these floors are all minorly trampoline, you'll love that bouncing. Very Tom Hanks. Very big.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's. It's a bouncy house and it's going to cost a little bit more.

[Kyle Anderson]

This guy would. Somebody in his building would tag stuff that was like way too cheap. Like literally, doors would start like hanging off their hinges and stuff. Oh my God. He would tag stuff in the building with this cockroach and write La Cucaracha. And he was like a vigilante of the pill king.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I feel like you've either told me this or I've heard this, or it's just so relatable that I'm like, yeah.

[Kyle Anderson]

I may have told you about La Cucarachi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dude, that is so crazy. Okay, the next.

[Dave Anthony]

The next story is amazing cuz it keeps up with the theme. Priceless laces lost. A startling disclosure was made at the world's fairgrounds LA last evening when the priceless laces sent here by Queen Margaret of Italy were unpacked. While the laces were being taken out of their case and each piece counted, it was found that 30 pieces of lace were missing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, the idea that the police have to open a case about lace stolen from a case. It's a classic case of a lace case.

[Dave Anthony]

Lace.

[Kyle Anderson]

I mean, fuck, this is gonna be a long night.

[Dave Anthony]

I just can't believe this is on the same page.

[Kyle Anderson]

Like, well, that's the thing is like the people who are like, okay, so we're gonna split up the work here at the precinct today. We're gonna need half you guys on the 22 people died in a big building. And the other half, there's these.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A queen's missing her cloth yeah, boss.

[Dave Anthony]

Can I get on that lace case? Because.

[Kyle Anderson]

Oh, God, one is like. One is a real case, and the other one is, like, a case for, like, a cartoon egg to solve. Dumpty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nothing grinds my gears more than when an affluent woman's fabric is missing.

[Dave Anthony]

Cablegrams were immediately sent to Rome appraising the queen of her great loss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Say that again. What did you just say?

[Dave Anthony]

Cablegrams were immediately sent to Rome praising the queen of her great loss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no. Who is going to break the bad news to her? This is not good. What is it about all those people who died in the theater where the president got shot in the back of his head? No, it's even worse. What is she gonna wear?

[Kyle Anderson]

If you were in Italy and all you heard was like, okay, the town that we sent my laces to, they got stolen. The president got shot there. Like, America's over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I guess it's called Detroit, the country. But also, you gotta. So fucking funny to steal lace. And then, like, it's probably just some dudes who are like, hey, where do you. Where do you pawn lace now what?

[Kyle Anderson]

It's so much. You know, it's so much worse. There's one guy who's like, dude, I fuck Italy. Dude, that was the worst fettuccine Alfredo I've ever had. It was awful. Dude, it's coming out of me.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, I didn't even eat it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Call me the pasta maker.

[Kyle Anderson]

Wow. It's like a forever pasta. You can just keep eating it over and over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, hey, hey, guys, can you stop talking over there for a little. Is looking. Looking out the window? Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

No, for sure.

[Kyle Anderson]

No, for sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please stop eating it out of yourself. Call me the Olive Garden, because I'm never ending. Hey, Noodles. Why do they call you that, by the way? You don't want to know.

[Dave Anthony]

An effort was made to keep the discovery a secret. But customs officers divulged the startling news.

[Kyle Anderson]

So. No, no.

[Dave Anthony]

I love that.

[Kyle Anderson]

Everybody was like, it's like, we should just lie, right? We don't want to have to deal with this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I will betray my oath.

[Dave Anthony]

A wife seeks to convict her husband.

[Kyle Anderson]

Good luck. Is it impossible? Back then they were like, can you imagine?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, throw her in water. If she doesn't drown, she might have.

[Dave Anthony]

A cake and she's dead.

[Kyle Anderson]

They were like, did you try dragging her from a horse? That usually fixes mine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So strange.

[Dave Anthony]

Ms. William Beckwith arrived from Denver last night and is now at work securing evidence to convict her husband of complicity in a big bank Robbery in that city in 1891. Beckwith is serving a term in the Kansas Penitentiary for stealing a bicycle at Leavenworth a few months ago. And Ms. Beckwith is to get 200 if she convicts her husband.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, there's a lot going on there. But, yes, it does seem strange to be able to bring charges against your husband. And when the charges are against the.

[Dave Anthony]

Bank, and then you get money for. Well, right. There's obviously a reward out. And so she'll. So. But he's already in jail for some reason.

[Kyle Anderson]

Well, she's. Skyler from breaking Batting. Him. She's fucking. He pulled this shit off. She knows about it and she's holding it over his head. She's probably fucking Ted right now. Now. You know what I mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what? We should remake Breaking Bad all from Skyler's perspective and be like, you know what? We all made fun of her for being kind of annoying, but this is crazy.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah. It's Breaking Bad from Timon and Pumbaa's point of view. Breaking Bad, one and a half.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what we'll call it.

[Kyle Anderson]

That's good, Garrett. I'm writing that down. I gotta get off the call. I actually have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Delete it. It's not a call, it's a pot. What are you talking about? About. Oh, Kyle, this was a weird.

[Kyle Anderson]

Other people can hear this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Kyle Anderson]

No. No, no, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm ruined.

[Dave Anthony]

This is just a little part under news. Brevities.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. News.

[Kyle Anderson]

They're the soul of news wit, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly. News. Brevities.

[Kyle Anderson]

Brevities. Off.

[Dave Anthony]

A strange, wild human covered with long woolly hair has been discovered near Paduka, Kentucky.

[Kyle Anderson]

Headline. I'm sorry, we're talking about this lady's mad at her husband over $200 or something.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, honestly, put this ahead of the fucking theater.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I completely agree. I completely agree.

[Kyle Anderson]

Caveman discovered.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Give me an amuse bouche before talking about how the building structure just completely collapsed because of incompetence at the top. Start with we found a woolly man in Kentucky, dude.

[Kyle Anderson]

The Kentucky woolly man. That's like a country music star.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kentucky. He's like. I'm like. This guy's 4 million followers on Tick Tock. All he does is spin.

[Dave Anthony]

Anthony Scholl, a merchant tailor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this the story of how the shawl got created?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Shoal Anthony Anton Scholl, a merchant tailor at Odell, drank a half gallon of whiskey and died after suffering great agony.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a separate story.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah. This isn't how. Okay, I thought you were Describing how.

[Dave Anthony]

You really thought we were still there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I thought it was the origin story of the wool boy.

[Kyle Anderson]

So of course he was walking, had a little whiskey, fell into a cave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Woke up and he was a lamb.

[Dave Anthony]

Two children of Frank Jewett of LaCrosse, Wisconsin went to sleep on the railroad track and were horribly mangled by a passenger train.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's what how did happened?

[Kyle Anderson]

Only place to not go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on, Kyle, let's learn some of the details. Dave, how did they get run over by a train?

[Dave Anthony]

They were asleep. They had been picking flowers and laid down to rest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely. Okay, and then how did the train locate them?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, they were laying on the part where the train goes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh. I guess I'm a little confused how the train caused their death. You know what I'm saying?

[Dave Anthony]

Have you seen cartoons?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not familiar. Anyway, these boys, they passed away from a train. You say they were passengers upon it when the train crashed?

[Dave Anthony]

No, they were laying in front of it sleeping, having a nap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But how did they pass? I'm sorry, this story just doesn't trap.

[Kyle Anderson]

I like the idea though that they were like. They were like. Yeah. So we decided to just tie ourselves up in a big ball of rope, lay on these railroad tracks. Now wait for a dashing hero.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Parents in a 50 mile radius now have to add another conversation they have to have with their kids. You get tired picking and pressing flowers. Don't sleep on the tracks, boys.

[Kyle Anderson]

No, see, I think this is. I think that's one of those unnecessary. This is why I want kids. Because if I have to like sit you down and be like, listen, just if you're gonna sleep anywhere, don't do it in the middle the freeway. It's a really good idea.

[Dave Anthony]

You, you realize as a parent that all of the warnings and all of the things like don't put. Don't hold that knife and put an electric socket. They're all for the dumb kids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Excuse me, Dave. Some of them walk amongst us. It was good to hear that. I couldn't have a plug in radio in the pool. Okay, thank you.

[Kyle Anderson]

Gareth just motioned with a pen. I thought he was going to put it into a light socket to prove.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It'S a like ear cleaning kit.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. Which he holds during podcast.

[Kyle Anderson]

Now he's conducting. He's casting spells on Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

The homliest man in Simaroon is teaching the prettiest girl in gray county to get sweet on him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? Pardon? Called grooming. Hello? Not Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

I like how now.

[Kyle Anderson]

Now they're kind of just pitching like good reality shows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now they're Just like It's like a CBS sitcom.

[Kyle Anderson]

This is just 90 Day Fiance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's called Homely and Hot. So his name is Jack Holmley and she's Vanessa Hot. He's a.

[Kyle Anderson]

He's a caveman from Kentucky.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he's a woolly man from Kentucky.

[Kyle Anderson]

She just divorced her husband who was a bank robber and she just got 200 smackeroons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She thinks it's a rebound, but then she shaves it him and Ooh la.

[Dave Anthony]

La, ooh la la. The predominance of redheaded people in Coffeyville is supposed to have something to do with the get up, get up tiveness of that town.

[Kyle Anderson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Connect the dots.

[Dave Anthony]

Where did people are more excitable and awful.

[Kyle Anderson]

According to who?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, that's just. That's just biology.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop.

[Dave Anthony]

This is why there has to be. This is why there has to be a purge.

[Kyle Anderson]

My mom, My mom is big. So my mom's a redhead and she's really big into like redhead advocacy. Like redhead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As if being redheaded isn't embarrassing enough. Just out in front of a store where the reds. Please support the red.

[Kyle Anderson]

I remember she's posted before like a picture of like, you know, like Daphne from Scooby Doo and like all these like red headed characters from Mom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One of those is a cartoon, but a hero nonetheless. Daphne. Daphne crawled so you could run.

[Dave Anthony]

Plenty of perfume, but no bathtubs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ. These bullet pointers. I mean you started with the long odyssey of the fourth theater.

[Kyle Anderson]

Plenty of.

[Dave Anthony]

I know, right now it's of.

[Kyle Anderson]

What the fuck are they talking about?

[Dave Anthony]

The present craze for sweet scents. Like all the other elegances dates back to the days of courtly luxury in France.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, it's 1893. So they're just like any smell. That's good. You're like, that's nice. That's addictive. I'm going to put this all over my balls and you do the same with your twat.

[Kyle Anderson]

It's gasoline. And they're like, this is so good. She smells beautiful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm passing out.

[Kyle Anderson]

Well, don't pass out near that railing. The whole building will fall over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey guys, I invented chloroform. Smell it.

[Kyle Anderson]

Guys, I gotta go upstairs. Smell this weird jar. Are the stairs safe yet? No, they won't be. Ever. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Madame Pompadour. Madame Pompadour.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've come up with a hairstyle.

[Dave Anthony]

I just can't believe her name. Madame Pompadour. Spent 100,000 for this part of her toilet each year. And the Court of Louis V was known as the Scented court.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. Wait, Dave, wait. Are we talking royal urinal cakes? Just, I mean, like, basically a toilet potpourri that's built in.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, she's.

[Dave Anthony]

I believe that they're saying yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Louis the 15th, known for taking the grocer's dumps, Louis the 15th had a toilet that wouldn't stink.

[Kyle Anderson]

It took 500 clerks three years to crack the code to create a glade plug in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Louis the 14th was the Sun King and the 15th was the Dun King.

[Dave Anthony]

What if we put the roses next to your sheets?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It won't be enough. I really take bad crap.

[Kyle Anderson]

Use a layer of oil to trap it in.

[Dave Anthony]

Hostesses of the grand entertainments informed their guests what particular perfume was to be employed for scenting the rooms, that no other odors might be used by the guests.

[Kyle Anderson]

This is really good because my forever pasta is starting to smell weird. So if I could soak it in there for a little bit, that'd be killer. Do you guys mind?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And by the way, have you met Jack Macaroni? But think about smells when they're getting invented at this caliber, at this level, like, invented.

[Dave Anthony]

They've been around for a while.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The tech is speeding up.

[Dave Anthony]

The tech isn't speeding up.

[Kyle Anderson]

This is insane. You say inventing smells. These people's bodies are inventing some smells.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I mean, good smells. Hold on. If you. If you start doing Roman stuff on me again, Dave, I will drive to your house and curbs.

[Dave Anthony]

The Romans invented all the perfumes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Romans.

[Kyle Anderson]

Romans invented smell, Garrett.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They honestly might. By the way, Egypt's like, hello, we had bird gods.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

At a court, a different perfume was prescribed for every day in the week. In the meantime. In the meantime, the gospel of soap and water was unknown to the finest ladies. And the gorgeous palace at Versailles did not contain a single bathroom until one was arranged for the use of Marie Antoinette. Oh, so previous to that, all the little Richie Fancies were just out there.

[Kyle Anderson]

He goes, I got the cake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shits.

[Kyle Anderson]

I'm gonna need a whole room.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Marie has to poop so bad. We might need to put a hole in the house.

[Kyle Anderson]

Oh, you guys, my cake is just. I think there was some lace in the cake. Somebody laces the cake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We don't need to hear your life story. Just go do it. Oh, about a fancy party. Everyone having to go in a yard. Pardon me, darling. I have to go outside and crack.

[Kyle Anderson]

It's a garden party.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just like, looks like fire fest.

[Kyle Anderson]

The things these gnomes have seen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm actually just a child.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, good story. Okay. They wanted money. A paragraph has been round of the papers to the effect that several wealthy residents of Florence have offered to place their villas at the disposal of Queen Victoria for the summer. The fact is that every such offer which was received was accompanied by a demand for quite exorbitant rents. One residence being valued by its owner at the easy rate of 4,000 per week.

[Kyle Anderson]

Which back then is like 20.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave's dogs are unionizing.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it is like. I mean, it's. That's essentially what we deal with now, right? I mean, they basically were just like.

[Dave Anthony]

They're landlords.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, they're landlords, right?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. But 4,000 a week in 1890, what is this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

18 LA fire prices.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, I like the idea that you. You adjust 4,000 for inflation from the 1600s, and it's like still less than a one bedroom in Brooklyn today. Well, if you want to live in Bedford Stuy, I mean, you know, a lot of even want to live there, buddy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's also great to be like, we're offering Queen Victoria the place for as long as she wants it. Oh, well, that's very nice. Yeah. Four grand a week and that should be.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, I keep dming kesha my apartment for $38,000 a month. She keeps not getting back to me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is anyone. I called the label, but they say that. Okay, they say they don't get involved.

[Kyle Anderson]

Dear Queen Latifah, your highness, it would be my honor.

[Dave Anthony]

That's $146,000 a week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm negotiating. You push back with your own.

[Kyle Anderson]

Felt like a good number to start with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's called negotiating. I say 146 for a week, you say 50. I don't know.

[Kyle Anderson]

You've seen Shark Tank. You see Shark Tank, you know, make an offer back. We can play this game all day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You say a dollar, we meet in the middle of 40.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, come on, you're a queen, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're a queen. For the love of God. You need somewhere to cake?

[Kyle Anderson]

The money is you. You are the money. It's just. Do you more. It's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have printed or whatever, however it works.

[Kyle Anderson]

I don't know how it works. I just want it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some guy paints it or something.

[Dave Anthony]

God. All right, last one. Bananas as food.

[Kyle Anderson]

Can you imagine a world in which such crazy sentences could be spoken?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're just ending on the monkey times.

[Kyle Anderson]

The thing normally used for choking babies we didn't want could be food before.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They knew they could open Them beneath the horrible peely rind actually exists. Quite a delicious dessert.

[Kyle Anderson]

I finally got an in one. I like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This before peeling, you just squish it. That's nice.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, it's the 1600s and we're still getting chiquita propaganda right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the 1800s.

[Kyle Anderson]

Okay. I don't know. Any time is before, like 1980 could be this. It's all like the same 10 years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a millennial. Clinton was in charge.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, if it came out before the Dana Carvey show. I don' on it's all the same.

[Gareth Reynolds]

1400 I do DCAD.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, Cleopatra. She was on Just Shoot me right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God, Kyle. She was real. Must see tv.

[Dave Anthony]

The banana. The banana seems to be as poor an article of food as the potato.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the. Get. I'm English.

[Kyle Anderson]

In that defense, I like how this opens with some real shade of like, could you imagine a loser eating a banana?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anyway, they should be put in camps.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, so the banana seems to be as poor as an article of food as the potato, which it greatly resembles. No, not at all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this written by a blind armless man?

[Kyle Anderson]

This guy was like, they were going around and he was like, man, I just really need to get an article today. If I don't get an article, they're like, okay, we need somebody who's eating a lot of bananas. He's like, I could do it. They're like, you've. You've had a banana Joe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The tree potato.

[Dave Anthony]

It's like the, it's the brown thing.

[Kyle Anderson]

Well, they can get brown, but they're.

[Dave Anthony]

Not, you know, you take off the, off the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You bake them, you put them in gravy. I know it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Mashed bananas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, yeah, the mashed bananas or a baked banana or French bananas, they start going.

[Kyle Anderson]

I think he knows more about bananas than we do actually. Maybe he should write.

[Dave Anthony]

It contains 1.71 per cent of albano album albumoids. Albumoids, sure.

[Kyle Anderson]

Help keep you white. A growing boy needs them.

[Dave Anthony]

Of albumoids. While the potato contains the same proportion. Man under normal, normal circumstances requires 4.2 ounces of flesh forming substances daily in order to obtain which from bananas he would have to consume which from bananas he would have to consume 15 pounds of the fruit containing nine pints of water.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a. I, I am obviously like all of us very lost in what this guy's saying, but at least we know it's so inaccurate, it's crazy.

[Kyle Anderson]

I do, I do. Here's the thing. I don't trust anything he's saying, but I am hitting subscribe on this guy's tweets cuz he is doing something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then Rogan's like, really?

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, yeah. This guy's like, did you know you actually have to eat 15 times all the bananas that even exist?

[Gareth Reynolds]

A human boy needs 4.1 albinoids, otherwise his skeleton becomes his skin.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, Joe, did you know you need 42 Midi Chlorians to reach ketosis?

[Dave Anthony]

Just Jamie, can you look up al Albamoids and potatoes?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Unfortunately, Jamie didn't eat enough bananas. He's now just bones.

[Kyle Anderson]

Also, I like the idea that they're like, they're like, no, listen, whether or not bananas are healthy, we're not sure we could put it up against the healthiest food of all, the potato.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Obviously there's two foods, potatoes and bananas. Pick what you pick one.

[Kyle Anderson]

We won't create superfoods for 200 years. But. But the potatoes here.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, essentially they created a fake content in bananas and then they said that people need a certain amount of that. So then you'd have to eat 15 bananas a day. 15 pounds of bananas a day. Not realizing you can eat other fruit food. Also, like you, this article is saying you can't eat only bananas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It really. Well, I guarantee you that was the takeaway for a few people to.

[Kyle Anderson]

Shortly thereafter, this guy, this, this, this writer's wife is a monkey. And he's like, I just feel like I got say something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She keeps controlling the marriage. It's just the coroner what got him. Sir, another boy just dead from nanners. How many did he eat? 17 pounds. Kids are so misinformed.

[Kyle Anderson]

He's going, honey, I don't. I mean, I don't know who this John Campbell guy is writing this article, but this is a pretty interesting article, babe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, honey, you know you gotta eat 15 pounds of bananas a day to live. She's like, all right, I understand, I understand, I understand.

[Dave Anthony]

Bananas then, are unsuited to a man's diet, although a delicious accessory to a more nitrogenous food.

[Kyle Anderson]

Nitrogenous, I thought they were gonna say. But it's fine for a woman to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eat on occasion, but it's all your wife should have. Holy. Well, what a ride. As always, Kyle, thank you for joining us. People can go to Kyle Anderson comedy to watch your documentaries that are.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, yeah, check them out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And. And Dave, I think you lost this episode.

[Kyle Anderson]

Yeah, you're open to it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, see you guys at this banana aisle.

[Kyle Anderson]

Bye.

[Dave Anthony]

Banal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some of these days you'll miss me.

[Kyle Anderson]

Honey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some of these days. Hey dollop fans, I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gary Earth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember, of the rube, you can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It, it really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one so go there and watch the rube.