140 - The Past Times with Corey Ryan Forrester

Summary

The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds

Episode 140: The Past Times with Corey Ryan Forrester

Date: August 29, 2025
Guest: Corey Ryan Forrester

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Episode Overview

In this "Past Times" installment, comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by returning guest Corey Ryan Forrester—a self-dubbed "Tom Hanks of the show"—to riff through an 1892 issue of The Philadelphia Times. True to The Dollop's signature style, the episode blends historical headlines with unfiltered humor, frequent tangents, and a healthy disrespect for both the past and present. Expect recurring jabs at Philadelphia, irreverent discussions about bodily functions, Southern stereotypes, and playful but pointed commentary on everything from sobriety to American education.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Guest Introduction and Banter

• Corey Ryan Forrester is introduced with jokes about his many appearances, a missing "fart files" saga, and his status as a prolific podcaster (Public Domain Sleepy Time Theater, WellRED Podcast, Putting On Airs, etc.).
• Opening exchange sets the tone: a rapid-fire, confessional, and often self-deprecating style.

  "I'm in the only career path that accepts a person's brain to be broken like mine."
  — Corey (04:31)

Timestamps: 02:33–06:43

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2. Sobriety, Therapy, and Life Changes

• Corey shares he’s six weeks sober and gives a bleak-funny take on not feeling any better ("I hate being so aware of everything all the time." – 07:07).
• Jokes and asides poke fun at therapeutic advice and the lack of immediate life improvements post-sobriety.

  "I was inarguably more fun of a piece of sh*t when I was drunk.”
  — Corey (07:35)

Timestamps: 06:43–08:54

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3. Podcast Plugs & Running Gags

• Corey promotes his new podcast Public Domain Sleepy Time Theater (reading bedtime stories, with irreverent comments about avoiding racist terms in Tom Sawyer), and jokes about inventing podcasts as a cover for escaping the family to drink in the attic.
• Banter about frequency of podcasts becomes meta-commentary on the proliferation of comedy pods.

  "You are the buckshot of broadcasting. You’re like Dick Cheney hunting with podcasts."
  — Gareth (08:56)

Timestamps: 08:54–09:17

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4. Fecal Transplants, Cows, and British Violence

• The trio riff on the concept of fecal transplants—a real procedure, but also fodder for a series of increasingly wild jokes about doctors, therapy, and Britishness.
• The first newspaper story: A cow in London attacks a man, its hide and head fetching high market prices due to its infamous behavior.

  “Violence against the English is always funnier, especially in this time—just monocles and caps dropping out of them.”
  — Gareth (17:56)

Timestamps: 09:17–21:26

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5. Human-Animal Interactions

• Discussion of animal-on-human attacks as a nostalgic, restorative balance to human harm of nature ("I pine for a time when animal on human murders happen this frequently." – Gareth, 46:50).
• Corey details inappropriately graphic animal husbandry practices for comic effect, leading to exclaimed exoduses of various audience groups.

Timestamps: 21:26–22:37 / 46:30–47:12

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6. Historical Grifts and Magistrate Embarrassment

• Story about a swindler forging letters to extract cash, successfully duping the local magistrate.
• The team envisions the embarrassment and ineptitude of 1890s officials, lampooning both scammer and scammed.

  "I'd be so embarrassed to be that magistrate that I would not have brought that up. I'd have just let that one go."
  — Corey (36:13)

Timestamps: 22:37–37:15

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7. Political Detour: Lizzie Borden & Listener Critiques

• Coverage of Lizzie Borden’s jail status and the infamous rhyme. Dave reiterates he’s no Biden supporter, parrying accusations of past political bias.
• Corey: "I've never met a person who hates Joe Biden, even on the Republican side, more than probably Dave." (38:56)

Timestamps: 37:15–40:16

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8. Colorful News Items and Local Philly Digs

• Fishbone incident: Three-year-old John Calvin admits to hospital with a fishbone; speculation on 19th-century childrearing.
• Cholera scare debunked: A Russian immigrant is thought to have cholera, but was just overfed after starvation.
• Unrestrained horses cause death: The dangers of not tying up your horses and resulting tragicomic rationalizations.
• Baseball pitcher riot: Mark Baldwin, a pitcher, is arrested for alleged rioting and providing arms to strikers, bailed out, and immediately re-signed with the Pittsburgh club.

Timestamps: 40:16–54:06

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9. Gender Takes in Literature

• They lampoon a sexist article positing women write better female characters because of their attention to dresses.
• Mock rewrites of female character descriptions and James Bond’s hypothetical costume changes.

Timestamps: 54:47–58:03

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10. Philly at the 1893 World’s Fair

• A Philadelphia home is being built at the Chicago Exposition, prompting ridicule at the city's attempt to stand out for having "lots of houses."
• Repeated running joke: the city’s (alleged) illiteracy, poor hygiene, and general inferiority compared to other American cities.

Timestamps: 58:44–61:17

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11. Tarantula in the Grocery Store

• A giant tarantula is discovered among bananas, leading to more slapstick imagining ("Your tarantulaship" – 67:58).
• 19th-century pest control techniques discussed (needle on a broom handle).

Timestamps: 63:37–69:14

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12. Listener Q&A and Plugs

• Corey shares his website (coreyryanforrester.com) and plugs his op-ed writing, bonus content, and contact info for anyone with "the fart files."
• Tongue-in-cheek suggestion for a "Dave Watches Corey Talk" podcast.

Timestamps: 70:22–72:26

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On taking compliments poorly:
  "My therapist actually did tell me that I don't take compliments well. And I think when you were like, 'this guy's like the Tom Hanks of the show,' I'm like, burn it down. Alienate everyone." — Corey (05:10)

• On 19th-century crime:
  "Set me down in front of the TV for some magistrate swindling." — Corey (22:46)

• On Philly’s historic homes:
  "This is the worst exhibit I've seen. So it's a house?" — Gareth (61:27)

• On animal mishaps:
  "I pine for a time when animal on human murders happen this frequently." — Gareth (46:50)

• On gender and writing:
  "There's always like, 'her breasts were breasting breastily beneath her neck, which was only there to accentuate the space between her face and her breast.'" — Corey (56:19)

• On burying tarantulas:
  "The ashes were given to its tarantula wife, and she will spread it where she must." — Gareth (69:43)

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Memorable Bits

• “Your tarantulaship”: Running joke once a tarantula is discovered at a grocery, culminating in ridiculous mock formality and a faux funeral (67:58–69:51).
• Philly Illiteracy: Corey’s ongoing roast of Philadelphia’s intelligence and hygiene (13:29, throughout).
• Podcast proliferation: Corey’s endless podcasts as a cover for “drinking in the attic” (06:43–08:54).

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Structure of Core Segments

• 00:00–02:33: Ad reads (skipped)
• 02:33–06:43: Introductions, lost fart files, podcast plugs
• 06:43–09:17: Personal updates, sobriety, more podcast gags
• 09:17–21:26: Fecal transplants, cows, first newspaper story
• 21:26–54:06: Reading and riffing on historic headlines (cows, swindlers, baseball riots, Philly digs)
• 54:06–61:17: Gendered writing, Philly World’s Fair
• 61:17–70:19: More Philly jokes, tarantula story
• 70:19–72:59: Outro, guest plugs, wrap-up

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Conclusion

This episode delivers on The Dollop’s promise: oddball American history filtered through the irreverent wit of its hosts and guest. Listeners get a unique window into 1892’s weirdness, relentless Philly slander, and the comedic alchemy that comes from never letting facts—or decorum—get in the way of a good bit.

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For more from Corey Ryan Forrester:
coreyryanforrester.com
Contact: [e-mail]
Follow Dave and Gareth for more episodes and updates!

Transcript

[A]

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[A]

All right, everybody, welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and. And I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, the great Maybe you're our Tom Hanks of snl, Host of the pastimes, King of the fart memos. Corey Ryan Forrester. Hello.

[C]

Bad news, by the way. Dave may have heard because he popped in the studio as I was sitting here alone going through my phone. The fart files have been lost.

[A]

Oh, here. This is Epstein. This is Epstein.

[C]

Some are saying that there never were. Yeah, some are saying there never were fart files.

[A]

Were you, were you in them?

[C]

I. If I was, so was Clinton. You know what I mean?

[A]

So you were. I think on this show we have heard you in them.

[C]

Well, I don't know what to tell you. I just looked at.

[A]

You are the fart files.

[C]

Well, you know, many people are saying this, but I looked on my phone and it's my phone that I actually curate everything and in charge of. And there's no fart files. So I don't know what to tell you.

[B]

Your wife got a hold of it and deleted them.

[C]

I would love it if my wife was that tricky. You know, I feel like. I feel like women that court that type of deceit are into anal and she's not.

[A]

Jesus.

[C]

Well, you know what I mean.

[B]

Tricksters.

[C]

No, I don't know tricksters.

[B]

What do you mean tricksters? Well, you know women, what do they hide? Grass over their anus and then you.

[C]

Slip in and you know those type of women who like when you're asleep, they'll put your phone in front of you, your face so it unlocks it so they can go into their phone. I've always just assumed the trade off for being with that type of woman is some bare back hanky panky. You know what I mean?

[A]

Stanky pinky.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Your brain is broken.

[A]

It's.

[C]

It's not. It doesn't work the way it should work. Right. But I'm in the only career. I'm in the only career path that, that accepts a person's brain to be broken like mine. And frankly, I'm not even doing that well in it. So I don't know.

[A]

Excuse me. Facebook reels would tell a different story. Okay.

[B]

Better.

[C]

Also, I don't like that you said Corey has never read this paper before. You don't know how many papers I read.

[A]

What's with you today? Well, you just think because you've never been on that nobody's ever been on the show more, that you could just come in here, start doing your anal witch wife stuff and think you're going to get away with it.

[C]

You know what it is? My therapist actually did tell me that I don't take compliments well. And I think when you were like, this guy's like, this guy's like the Tom Hanks of the show. I'm like, burn it down. Alienate everyone.

[A]

Just like Tom Hanks.

[C]

Just like Tom Hanks.

[A]

Well, Corey, what do you got? What are you promoting? Well, I mean, we're going to. I'm going to see you in Chattanooga next weekend.

[C]

I know, and I'm so very excited for that. I will. I will be back at the in Chattanooga in September and you can get all the tickets atcory ryan forester.com. i don't know when this comes out because I know that y' all like to.

[A]

It's not coming out.

[C]

Okay, good.

[A]

Okay, here we go. Get ready, Dave. He's gonna put a little mustard on something here Go, Cory. What are you gonna say? You know, we. What?

[C]

Actually, I was just gonna say pivoting live. I don't know when this is coming out, but I guess it's evergreen to say that. I just want to show my great appreciation that two of the alltime podcast gods would not only have me on their show, but have me on multiple times and give me a moniker like the Tom Hanks of past times. Like, I was actually getting emotional. I don't know what your problem. I have a new podcast coming out called Public Domain Sleepy Time Theater where I read you a bedtime story.

[B]

How in the fuck do you have another pot? You two. You two have problems. Well, what are you doing?

[A]

They've filling the hole with podcast. I think it's fine.

[C]

Yeah. Also, I need money. So it's called Public Domain Sleepy Time.

[A]

I honestly, honestly, I think Corey just says he has these so that it corroborates when he goes to his attic so his wife thinks he's up there doing it, when in reality he's just drinking beers, whacking off.

[C]

I'm actually surprisingly sober for six weeks today. Can you believe that? Yeah.

[B]

What's weird is you don't look better.

[A]

I know, dude. That's. What is it?

[C]

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

[A]

I've noticed what I wanted to talk about.

[C]

No benefits whatsoever. I still.

[A]

You feel better?

[C]

I mean, what is better? You know what I mean? What is.

[A]

Wake up clear headed and like it.

[C]

Yeah. Yes and no. Wake up clear headed. Yes. Like it. Absolutely not. I hate being so aware of everything all the time. Like the. The drunk.

[A]

Yeah. You know, it gets harder as. As everything really, really twists and falls apart. It gets a little Harder to. For me, I just keep being like, I mean, when am I gonna just start smoking cigarettes? I know. Again, that's my doomsday clock.

[C]

And now, too, like, for the past six weeks, like, every time I've had diarrhea, like, oh, you earned that. Like, that something you can just blame on. I had a couple with the boys. Like, you just. And I'm still eating Taco Bell, which I thought was behavior of just a drunk man, but it's not. Like, I'm just a piece of. But I was inarguably more fun of a piece of when I was drunk. So, like. And I didn't. I don't think I hit women. I mean, I blacked out every now and then, but I feel like I'd have got a phone call.

[B]

What is going on right now?

[A]

The start of this episode. Cory, I'll speak for the fans. Has felt a lot of questionable behavior towards women, I would say.

[C]

Well, all I wanted to say.

[A]

How are you responding to those critics who for sure exist?

[C]

All I wanted to say was that I have a new podcast called Public Domain Sleepy Time Theater, where I read you a. Read you a bedtime story. This first season is the Adventures of Tom Sawyer. No, I don't say it. I don't say it. I don't say the word because I feel like that's a. You know, when you're trying to sleep, you don't want to hear the hard R. So I changed it to a slightly less racist slur. Each chapter, I just pick a different one. And you can get [e-mail] that is my bonus site where I have all sorts of stuff. And coming soon, my new podcast. I swear to God. Sorry, Dave. Four score and seven beers. It's a history podcast, and I'll probably start drinking again.

[B]

So it's okay.

[A]

It's awesome. Yeah, it's. It's. You are the buckshot of broadcasting. You are. You're like Dick Cheney hunting with podcasts.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

It's just blast them, and I need a metal heart. Oh, look at you with the Lacroix.

[C]

Well, it's lemon cello, I don't know, but this. It's almost like there's lacroix and then there's limoncello. Lacroix.

[A]

What is the. What are you. What. What is that? What do you mean?

[C]

Well, I was getting a. A fecal transplant the other day, and my poop. And my poopologist suggested that I. Dave.

[A]

How real is what he just said? Scale of one to know.

[B]

Do you. You cut out there. What.

[A]

How real do you believe what he just said about a fecal transplant?

[B]

I don't think he got a fecal transplant, but I just think he. I think he recently heard about them and he's into the idea.

[C]

Ding. Is that a new podcast? Ding. Dave. Anthony calling me out.

[A]

Could be a new podcast.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

We know a comedian who had a fecal transplant.

[A]

We do.

[B]

Yeah. I'll tell you later, Alpha. Yes, we know. We, we. Or at least I do. I think you. You would know.

[A]

What is the. What is the upside?

[C]

You get someone's. Some people's poop hits harder and helps your belly more. So you get there.

[A]

You get their. Their good back. She was, she.

[B]

She was close.

[A]

Oh, gross.

[C]

It was a lady.

[A]

Corey, Corey, Corey, listen, the numbers of our female listeners have been cut in half by you before we even got to the part of the show that's premise based. Do you know how impossible that is to do?

[B]

She was close to death, so yuck it up, Corey. Remember why? But yeah, she almost died in the fecal transplant. Like, saved her life, if I recall correctly.

[A]

Can, man, it must. It must be an honor to have your poop be the donor poop, man.

[C]

How relieved was the doctor that invented fecal transplants when it worked out? Because, you know, before that they were like, what do you think I was thinking? We got to get her some different poop. You know what I mean?

[A]

But how about that pitch where they're like, hey, Dave, can we actually, can we talk to you over here? What's going on with you lately? I'm fine. So your wife left and then. Well, yeah, she's gone. I'm telling you, this could actually work. I think you could just. We're not going to shove someone else's poop in a different person's ass. That's insane.

[C]

I'm so sorry for my existence.

[B]

It does something to your stomach and your. And your digestive system. Yeah, yeah, I enjoy it.

[A]

Yeah, I enjoy the look.

[B]

I just can't believe, like, the first doctor that, that came up with washing hands, they put in an insane asylum where he was eventually murdered. And I can't believe that didn't happen to the guy who was like, let's put shit in people's stomachs.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I can't believe we're not exhuming that guy, stuffing him and putting him in the Oval off. I got something. All right, Corey, this is your 44th appearance, so you know the deal. We want you to guess what year this Paper's from. I'm also going to guess. There's going to be no context. You're going to win. It's really become so stupid. But go ahead.

[C]

I'm going to go.

[A]

All right, well, thanks for.

[C]

Oh. Oh, God, you're so quick, Gareth.

[A]

Well, stop.

[C]

I wish it translated to like digital media, you know, but in person it's great.

[A]

Yeah, we're all trying to find a way. Imagine being me. It's a real disappointing nightmare.

[C]

I'm gonna go with 1932.

[A]

Oh, wow. No.

[C]

Yeah, seems like he has 99.

[B]

Corey wins. It's 1892. September 3rd. The Philadelphia Times. Philadelphia.

[A]

You know what? I don't care for the showboating of Corey. Just accepting what the non reality of you.

[C]

That's right, David.

[B]

He won.

[C]

I won.

[A]

All right. Anyway, Philadelphia, when a white man tells.

[C]

You you've won, you don't question it. You win and you move on.

[A]

Christ.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I am gonna storm the Capitol over this.

[C]

You should.

[B]

It is the Philadelphia Times from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

[C]

You drunk?

[B]

A little bit. And let's just get into this.

[C]

Philadelphia has a current illiteracy rate of over 60%, so I can't imagine how stupid they were. Yeah, it's nuts. Look it up if I'm wrong, which I probably am. You know.

[A]

That'S Corey's new podcast stuff, I'm assuming.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Are they.

[C]

Have they started picking up the trash there in Philly? No.

[A]

Oh, that's great.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

By the way, I was there not too long ago and it was one of the smellier cities pre. Non.

[C]

And I bet you no one read to you. Dave is upset.

[B]

Corey, how come you're not. How come you're not facing the camera?

[C]

I don't like my. I. I've. You know how you never see the Simpsons face on because they are more profiled characters? My profile looks so much better than me face on. And I don't like see a face on real quick. Nope, I can't do it. This side of my not good. And this side of my face is no good.

[B]

Oh my God. That's why they call you Corey the moon.

[C]

Yes, that is why they do. They do matter. As my grandpa used to say. That pie faced Vietnamese looking boy that has my last name. It's what he would say.

[A]

All right, Dave, that's wonderful.

[B]

What a great.

[A]

Oh my God, Dave. Who's left? Listener wise?

[B]

Nobody. It's bad.

[A]

It's just the guys who get upset when we're just like, man, Trump sucks. I thought I knew you.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. I've been listening to this show for 15 years.

[A]

I've listened from the beginning, and this is the first time I heard politics injected into this.

[B]

By the way, someone posted there's a high school in Georgia that built a stadium, football stadium that's larger than like a lot of high school, a lot of college stadiums, as they should. And I just put. And I just put under it as a comment the teacher salary, the average teacher salary in that district. And people are going apeshit.

[C]

Well, you know, until 400 people show up to watch you do math under the lights on Friday night. You can suck my dick. Okay?

[B]

That's exactly what the comments are.

[C]

I know, I made them.

[B]

You can pay the teachers well and build this state.

[C]

La la la la la la la la la.

[A]

What are you talking about?

[B]

A historical hehe.

[A]

Apparently new Corey podcast.

[B]

Out of London. The heifer which attacked and knocked down Mr. Gladstone in the park at Hawarden on Wednesday evening last. So everyone's like, oh, yeah, that clearly they already know. Everybody already knows about this cow in.

[C]

This one cow town. Everybody does.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Although dead, having been pursued and killed when Mr. Gladstone gave the alarm has acquired a high market value. So a cow. A cow knocked down a man in a park and killed him.

[A]

And now is the. The. And now is a bank.

[B]

Oh, no. Just attack. Just attacked the man. The Mr. Glass is not dead, but he got knocked down. And then they. He screamed out, oh, my God, the count. And then people chased the cow down and killed it.

[A]

And now it's worth a lot of money.

[B]

Soon after the heifer was shot, a local speculator procured the hide for five pounds. And since his purchase, he has been offered as high as £50 for the hide, but has steadfastly refused to be tempted to part with his prize.

[C]

That's like.

[A]

So this is like their crypto.

[C]

Yeah, that's because £50 in Philadelphia in. Whenever you said, I just know I won, that's like 10 million.

[A]

You don't even remember the goddamn year.

[C]

Oh, right.

[A]

You're so far off.

[B]

This happened in London.

[A]

London, even better.

[C]

Okay, well, of course they're saying, I don't know why. In my brain I was like, I didn't know Philadelphia used pounds back in the day. But yeah, yeah, yeah, that was a good catch.

[A]

It's funnier that it's a. It's funnier that it's an English person.

[C]

It's way funnier.

[A]

Violence against the English is always funnier, especially in this time just monocles and caps dropping out of them. No.

[C]

Also, I bet you the cow did not attack this British person. I bet the cow was just being a cow, and the British person was in the area of the cow being a cat. And also because cows don't. I've been around a lot of cows. This is bullish behavior, not cow.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Unless you. With the cow or with the calf, then it'll.

[C]

You can. A cow will let you walk up to it and stick your arm up to the elbow in its ass without doing anything.

[B]

Why would you do that?

[C]

You have.

[B]

Would you do that?

[A]

Because it allows you. What do you say?

[C]

Yeah, it lets you know.

[B]

But that's not why we do things, because we're allowed.

[C]

I'm.

[A]

Corey.

[B]

Extremely antisocial behavior to do what you just said.

[A]

But, Dave, did you hear? You're allowed to do.

[C]

You are allowed to do it.

[B]

Right. You are. Like, the cow will let you. But again.

[A]

Exactly. All right, you get it.

[B]

That's not why we do and don't do things.

[A]

Corey, how can we break this down in a way where he stops talking? Like.

[C]

Well, I'm. I'm really good friends with people who jack bulls for a living. And you actually do it up their ass. Not. You don't stroke their wiener. You. You hit the prostate. Which is. Which, by the way, is proof that God made us all gay and we all chose to be different.

[B]

I'm glad you talked to your wife about this.

[A]

The gays have just left the podcast, too.

[C]

I don't talk to my wife about anything. No, nothing. We just. It's. Hey, how was Bane today? Good. Awesome. Do you want to watch Mr. Robot? Sure do, honey. Okay, Mr.

[A]

Robot.

[C]

Good show.

[A]

There's two seasons.

[C]

Three. No, there's four. You didn't like it?

[B]

I couldn't get past the. I couldn't get past the. I did the first, then. Then it was out.

[C]

Second's good.

[A]

You couldn't get past the elbow up the cow's ass, which I think would also be a fair statement.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Another man who obtained possession of the heifer's head was declined to accept an offer of ten pounds made for all the teeth, which find a ready market.

[A]

By the way, that was to replace his.

[C]

Each.

[A]

That was definitely for it. To replace it. If you notice a cow's got lovely chompers. Impossible to buy. I'll give you 10 quid to put those cow's teeth inside of my dome. Does that sound new? I've been having what we call nightmares chewing.

[B]

Are these regular cow prices or do people just want parts of this cow. Because it knocked the guy down.

[A]

These are not regular cow prices.

[C]

We've always been obsessed with true crime.

[A]

You've heard of the bull market?

[C]

This is a cow market.

[A]

This is a cow market. My guy.

[C]

The only way I would pay £50 for a dead cow is if it was literally the cow that jumped over the moon. That would be a cow worth having.

[A]

Yeah. I don't disagree with that at all. Although, you know, that also feels like that's an easy one to just lie to a lie about.

[C]

Some people say it never happened.

[A]

No. Well, Dave, you're the history guy. Did that cow jump over the moon thoughts. And let's. Let's maybe hang. You did. Okay, great.

[B]

Yeah, he did.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's. Where the.

[A]

What year was that?

[C]

Let me guess.

[B]

I was 17.

[C]

17. The year 17.

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[C]

It was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't even get a.

[B]

The magistrate was swindled. For some time past, a skillful swindler has been plying his trade among the residents of the 15th Ward, succeeding until yesterday in making handsome returns from the pocketbooks of his victims on the capital invested in a sheet of letter, paper, and envelope. Several times the police have been warned by those whose credit. I can't read that word. Has lost them money. But efforts to entrap him have, until yesterday, proved futile. The man's method. The man's methods was to address a note to any person whom he thought could be worked side with the name of and purporting to come from an intimate friend of the recipient. So he's forging a letter saying it's.

[A]

From a guy, but it's so great that. It's so great to be in an era where it's like, oh, my God, that's me. I know.

[C]

Added to the list of. It's always great when British people get injured. I will add.

[A]

Love it.

[C]

When a magistrate gets swindled. I love it.

[A]

It's awesome.

[C]

It's. Set me down in front of the TV for some magistrate swindling.

[A]

Allow me to ignore the shortcoming of specifics and turn over my pocketbook.

[B]

I hate to break. I do hate to break this to you guys, but we're. This is Philadelphia.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But still fun.

[C]

Yeah. Also, you know, to be.

[A]

I wanted to be an English person. Yes.

[C]

It could have been.

[B]

I still choose.

[A]

I still choose for it to be.

[B]

Okay. Okay. You can do that.

[C]

There were London transplants to Philadelphia.

[A]

Allow me to do a little backstory. Oh, I've just come here. I can't believe my friends Reached me that simply. I've not even gotten my address from the postal union. Why, here you are. Allow me to turn over my pocketbook.

[C]

It says here some prince in Zimbabwe needs my money in order to be freed.

[A]

Crikey, it sounds like long term. This is a wise investment.

[C]

I've always wanted to court favor with a Zimbabwean.

[A]

I've just moved here a little while ago. This is just the upstart a bloke like me is after. Allow me to turn over my pocketbook and its entire fillings. Here you are, friend. You tell this Zimbabwean acquaintance whose name escapes me that I can't wait for round two of this exciting endeavor. By the way, I've been a bit saddened lately. A friend of mine was attacked by a cow. So this is just the good news I've needed. Shot the arm of good news, I say. Jolly good news. Allow me to turn over my pocketbook and its contents entirely.

[B]

I stopped listening a while ago, so just let me know.

[A]

Bravo.

[C]

Whenever.

[A]

Well, there you are. Now I'm off down the road for a bit of bubble and squeak and bourbon. And a pickled onion, if I have my druthers.

[B]

Gareth, the pastimes was brought to you by Mint Mobile. Oh, Dave, you know it doesn't belong in your amazing summer plans.

[A]

I will. Hi. Bills with my phone.

[B]

That's right. Getting burned by your wireless bill. You don't want that.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

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[A]

Okay.

[B]

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[A]

Gareth in.

[B]

Okay. That was easy. Yeah, it's. It's. The service is great. I get everything I need. You know, we. I travel around the country and it's absolutely not an issue.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

I don't know why I didn't switch a long time ago, honestly.

[A]

Well, you're a fool. You've been called a foolish man by many and we shall continue to call you that.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The dollop is brought to you by Mood. Not just like Moods.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

They don't. Moods don't have sponsors. No, we're talking about Mood.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

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[A]

Take it. Enjoy it.

[B]

Mood. Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100% federally legal THC blends. The deliver them discreetly right to your doorstep. That's rightly.

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Oh yeah. You don't even know this person's been there.

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[A]

It's like Santa.

[B]

That's right. And you can get 20% off your first [e-mail] with promo code Dollop. Yeah, they got gummies. They got everything. It's the. It's the stuff. It's the gummies.

[A]

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[A]

Sleepy time gummies are so helpful. Yeah, I can't. Yeah, many people struggle with sleep. Get a sleepy time gummy.

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[A]

Take it. Enjoy it.

[B]

Mood. Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100% federally legal THC blends that deliver them discreetly right to your doorstep. That's rightly.

[A]

Oh yeah. You don't even know this person's been there.

[B]

No. No one walks up and screams, there's stuff in here.

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It's like Santa.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

And you can get 20 off your first [e-mail] with promo code Dollop. Yeah, they got gummies. They got everything. It's the, it's the stuff.

[A]

It's the gummy way to go. Big fan, Big fan.

[B]

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Sleepy time gummies are so helpful. Yeah, I can't. Yeah, many people struggle with sleep. Get a sleepy time gummy.

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What makes these different is how they've paired THC and other canna benoids, which is a word that you're comfortable with. Herbs and adaptogens. You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or really anywhere for that matter.

[A]

Special stuff.

[B]

And they have gummies for literally everything. Immune support, menopause relief, PMS symptoms, mental clarity, sexual arousal.

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Oh boy.

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But you can get that from just listening to my voice. And each one using federally legal cannabis grown on small family owned American farms. No pesticides, no BS. And they can ship to most states in the U.S. best of all, not only does Mood stand behind everything with an industry leading 100 days satisfaction guarantee, but listeners get 20% off their first order with code donation.

[C]

Dollop.

[B]

Head to mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and find the Perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with. And remember to use promo code dollop at checkout to save 20% on your first order.

[C]

Hey, I'm working on a character, and he's a guy who. He has really funny quips, but he always has them, like, too late when the conversations moved on. Can I give you an example?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Boy, that must have been a mad cow.

[A]

I mean, that I. You know what? This is?

[C]

What?

[A]

I like him. And I also think we should each. Every guest and the host should be allowed what we call one circle back joke.

[C]

Retroactive. Yeah.

[A]

Where we go back and go. Hey, here's one I just thought of my yacht. Pun.

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

The letters were badly written and the spelling was not above reproach. Told you, Philadelphia.

[C]

Told you. Can't read, can't write.

[A]

Vindicated.

[B]

Oh, my God. He. So we got us. We got a Southern guy who finally found a place that has illiteracy at a high rate.

[C]

And racism. And racism.

[A]

Not bad. It's good news.

[C]

Why do you think the Fresh Prince left?

[B]

I didn't even know. I don't know anything about the Fresh Prince's background.

[C]

From West Philadelphia. Born and raised.

[A]

Born and raised. On a playground was where he spent most of his days chilling out. Max said the N word. Near my old school.

[C]

And where they didn't teach reading.

[A]

Teach reading. Go ahead, Dave.

[B]

Yeah. But the victim seemed not to have considered that until too late. He overreached himself, however, when yesterday he sent a letter to Alexander McCoy, a grocery man, requesting $10. The note was signed with his daughter's name, and that fact aroused his suspicions as Ms. McCoy was not in the city. So he decided to lay a trap for the man and accordingly placed a $10 bill in an envelope and gave it to the boy who delivered the request. And then started out himself to find a police.

[C]

Was it tied to a fishing line and he was just somewhere else?

[A]

Yeah. There you are, boys. Just doing that. Real out to the ocean noise. Go on. And then he just. The pole rips out of his hands. Air. An enormous floor.

[B]

Before the boy got out of sight, the amateur detective found.

[C]

What are their names?

[B]

The dog's names are Larry, Pablo and Maple.

[C]

Oh, I love that.

[B]

And now they're going to behave the.

[C]

So that is how we're about to hear a gunshot.

[A]

So what if there was just like a dead, bleeding bird on the floor that Dave never told us about? The dogs are just freaking out.

[B]

Don't worry about it.

[A]

Dave's just like sitting there as they're just Chewing on raven brains.

[B]

It's not great when a cat brings a bird in, but when a dog brings a bird in, it's a lot worse, I can tell you that right now.

[A]

You ever had a bird bring a dog in? That's a tough day.

[C]

Tell you what, I did see a video the other day of a hawk, like, getting a Yorkie, like, someone was walking with their Yorkie and a hawk.

[A]

Just.

[C]

Just like. And it was sad, like, but it's still hilarious.

[A]

And it's one of. There is that intersection where you're like, oh, that's the saddest thing I've ever seen. At comedically timed out as well as unreal, to be quite honest.

[C]

Unreal. Yeah.

[B]

So he finds a cop and policeman. Bates. Bates followed the boy, and as soon as he delivered the letter to a man in Logan Square, he arrested him. The man gave his name as Thomas Kelly. And after a visit to the station house, Kelly was taken to Magistrate o' Brien's office for a hearing. And while the hearing was in progress, the letter asking for $10 was handed to the magistrate, who then saw the writing, reached down in his desk, brought out one of exactly the same kind. The magistrate himself had been swindled. Kelly was placed under $1,000 bail for a further hearing this morning. That's a big bail.

[C]

That is huge.

[A]

That is huge bail. And that's a huge fuck up. Bringing out the same matching letter. You're like, well, yeah, yeah, yeah, I did it, man.

[C]

I feel like, I mean, I'm a different type of cat. I'd be so embarrassed to be that magistrate that I would not have brought that up. I would have just let that one go.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Because you'd be embarrassed to say you got swindled.

[C]

Super embarrassed.

[B]

And you would just. And you could just hit him with the. The huge bail and be like, you son of.

[C]

You still get him for the one swindling without making yourself look like a dumbass.

[A]

Because I too am a huge dumbass.

[C]

Yeah. A swindele.

[B]

But again, this. This is a magistrate, probably with no education because it's Philadelphia.

[C]

Right.

[B]

As I've learned from.

[C]

That's why it's called a hearing and not a reading. They can hear fine, you see, they. Their ears work, their eyes don't. Yep.

[B]

Send all your comments on Twitter to Corey. Lizzie Borden in jail.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Fall River.

[C]

That sounds like a cow's name. Lizzie Borden, you know.

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, it's a lot worse.

[A]

Yeah. Who is. She's a. Was she a murderer?

[B]

Oh, I Think that she. I think that she didn't do it, but there's like a whole, like, song or poem about how she killed her parents.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

So Miss Funny Corey.

[C]

I mean, I'd have to hear, you know, what the parents did is like. I don't know if you've seen the recent Menendez stuff, but, like, free them. You know what I mean?

[A]

What does that mean? I think just for comedy, let them out. They're not the one.

[B]

Why?

[A]

They just.

[C]

They. They sucked. Well, Dave, do you need any other reason? Especially you being you and that they were wealthy, you know, I know you. I've seen your post. You want all of them to die. No one should have any money. And they had some, and therefore they should. D. I love this.

[A]

This truly is like. There was this guy the other day who commented on some posts. Like, he goes, yeah, it was like some buddy of mine posted, like, some Trump thing, and he was like, whatever, you know, anti Trump. And I was like. I commented something anti Trump as well. And this guy goes, you're not allowed to have an opinion. You and Dave were cucks for Biden. And I was like, hilarious. What? I was like, I go, name one. Show me proof of one time where we were cucks for Biden. He goes, it was in a comment on a post. I couldn't. I couldn't find it because DAV Locking. The files are gone.

[C]

Let me say this right now. I've never met a person who hates Joe Biden, even on the Republican side more than probably Dave. So, like, that is so stupid.

[A]

There's certainly nobody from. With Dave's background. I mean, Dave said Biden is the worst president of his lifetime, repeatedly.

[C]

I know.

[A]

I listen to the face of. Of listeners who are like, dave, stop it.

[C]

I listen. I do. I think Dave is responsible for Trump winning the last election. Absolutely. But. But he was just saying what we were all thinking, you know?

[A]

Yes, look, this is the Democratic model. Yes, we all know this, but. Shut the fuck up. Shut up.

[C]

How about just.

[A]

Yeah, shut up.

[C]

It really does seem to be that way. And Dave.

[A]

Those are January 21st problems, you idiots.

[C]

Yeah, and Dave's just a loudmouth, and I love it.

[A]

Now we can't have Mark Hamill on the show because of Dave Anthony.

[B]

And now because of Biden, we have. We have a Trump fascist, too.

[A]

Here we go. Here it is.

[B]

Okay, here's the rhyme. Lizzie Borden took a knack she gave her mother 40 wax when she saw what she had done she gave her father 41 but she was, I believe she was not convicted.

[A]

Dave, I've heard enough. She did it.

[B]

Okay. Ms. Lizzie Board was taken from the Central Station at one o' clock this afternoon to the 129 train for Taunton. She will remain there in the. She will be going to town for.

[A]

Some Taunton people there will have their way with her, make fun of her and then she'll be taken back to.

[B]

Prison until the sitting grand jury in November. She was accompanied by Marshall Hilliard, Detective Seaver and Reverend Buck. There was a large and curious crowd at the depot.

[C]

Why was the Reverend there? Were they filming a British mystery or something where they're like, we have a detective but we need a vicar.

[A]

Jesus Christ. One train ride with these people and no murder? What a wasted opportunity. Lizzy, you're the red herring in the hall. Oh me.

[B]

There was a large and curious crowd at the depot. She was not disturbed in the least by the gaze of a hundred spectators. And if anything she looked firmer and more contented hinted than she has appeared since the hearing was open.

[C]

Fan of the gays.

[B]

So I don't know, I mean the.

[A]

Gays really showed up.

[B]

What just happened?

[C]

100 gays looking upon her there for her.

[A]

She was a gay? I think you're saying she was a gay?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

You said she was a fan of the gays looking at her by the way. I think so, yeah.

[B]

Lizzie Borden was.

[A]

But you kind of shouted like yeah, there was the gays. Yeah, you did it like that. Which is like shitty, that's how.

[B]

That's the only way you can say the gays.

[A]

No.

[B]

I don't know another way to do it.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

Three year old John Calvin was taken.

[C]

Three year old John Calvin. That is a hilarious sentence. No, like you never think of someone named John Calvin being three years old.

[A]

Hello, John Calvin, three year old.

[C]

Nice to meet you.

[A]

Now before we get into anything too deeply. Who is everybody here? Let's do. Let's go around the room. Names, occupations, favorite food.

[C]

Also, I have just shit myself and I will need someone to take care of that. Hence sweet. Hence sweet's not.

[A]

Also, if I'm short with anyone, it's because I'm a little crabby. I didn't have a nap today and I didn't sleep too good either because of gas. Now let's get to the bottom of this, boys.

[B]

Three year old John Calvin was taken to Pennsylvania Hospital last evening with a fish bone in his thr. Up to a late hour the bone had not been extracted.

[A]

What the doctor's like if my Instincts are right. Which they normally are. He'll pass this bone and it'll come out slowly looking like a tail. I'm a snake doctor and I do believe the special enzymes inside of this boy's throat will allow him to take this bone right through him.

[B]

I mean, maybe it's going to work itself out, right?

[A]

I think it will for sure.

[B]

Like a. Like a sliver.

[A]

Absolutely. Who is just.

[C]

Who is giving their 3 year old debone. Non deboned fish? Like is 3 year old John Calvin's just sitting there eating a fish that still got the eyeballs on it just with his little baby fork.

[B]

Just sometimes you got to get it in there.

[C]

Yeah. Like I. I can't even give myself a lollipop.

[A]

I should point out John's a bear. So literally he's a cub. We were down by the river.

[B]

Not a case of cholera.

[C]

Okay, good.

[B]

Joseph attunes, whom D. Dr. Beck reported last night as a cholera suspect is not infected.

[A]

You're under arrest. Possession of cholera.

[B]

His. His illness is due to overfeeding after being nearly starved in Russia, from which country he recently came. He was all right this morning for dinner yesterday, Tina's ate almost two pounds of corned beef. A small mountain of cabbage.

[A]

I don't think he's. He's not okay. No, no.

[B]

And two watermelons.

[C]

There you go.

[A]

He's guilty of being at a deli.

[C]

Dude. God. For that. Really? It's like you're gonna die. You haven't eaten anything. Okay, let me eat a bunch of stuff. You're gonna die. You've eaten too many watermelons. Like can. Well, can God not just hush.

[A]

I don't think it's the watermelons that took the poor guy down. Did you hear about the other ingredients?

[C]

I usually.

[B]

Watermelon house.

[A]

Pounds of corned beef.

[C]

Well, I usually hear watermelon and forget everything before, but yeah. Pounds of corn beef. You say pounds. Sorry. My wife had just texted me that apparently Bane heard me say lollipops and is now running around. Lollipops, lollipops, lollipops.

[A]

Dave, thoughts?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

It's this.

[B]

The whole his. His family situation is upsetting me.

[C]

Mine.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[C]

Why?

[A]

Yeah, he's talking to you. Yeah. Why is a good question. Dave.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[A]

A room full of dogs.

[B]

I don't. I don't have any.

[A]

Okay. You don't care to get into it?

[C]

No, that's okay.

[B]

I don't wanna. I think he and his whole family and the lollipops It's a wonderful thing.

[C]

I think most people would think that.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

How old's Bane?

[C]

Two and a half.

[A]

Two and a half. And he's at the lollipop age.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Does he know what a lollipop is about?

[C]

Prime age for getting a fishbone stuck in his neck. You know what I mean?

[A]

Just let him take that lolli down, stick and all.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Careless drivers censured. The coroner's jury yesterday censured Con Rogers and Samuel Haynes.

[A]

Well, they should have seen Con Rogers coming.

[B]

Yeah, Khan seemed pretty obvious.

[A]

Con Rogers and Perp Johnson.

[C]

Con Rogers sounds like somebody that Russell Crowe would have boxed in. Cinderella Man. Con Rogers over here in the gold trunks.

[A]

Con Week. Chin Rogers going down again. Good Lord, why did he start so early in this montage? I'll never know.

[C]

Let's see if that South Paul works all the way up here in the north.

[A]

Cracking. He's down badly.

[B]

Conrad Samuel Haynes. Two drivers whose horses ran away on Wednesday and killed Henry Bodkin, 65 years old.

[A]

I gotta be honest, I, I, I pine for a time when animal on human murders happen this frequently. Like considering how we're killing our ecosystem for fucking just constant expansion of roads and br. It's nice every now and then when just you hear something like camel killed owner.

[C]

Yeah. And this, the horses ran away. Like these were his horses that drove him places. Right. Because I, I'd always assumed I was like, you know, horse. Like being in a horse wagon. Not as good as a car. But one good thing is if you're in a horse wagon and the horse sees another horse come and he'll go, oh fuck, it's a horse. And he'll get out of the way, you know, whereas like we can't do that in cars. But you're saying that this, this is like the Tesla of horse cars where he just whatever, fuck his computing and just ran and murdered people like, like Mitch McConnell's cousin.

[B]

We don't, we don't talk bad about Tesla on this podcast.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

I'm sorry, fans, they are a sponsor. Cybertruck just came on board for 30 ads. Oh yeah. Well, we may as well do one now. To our listeners, we want to say if, if you guys are having trouble getting anywhere, get a cybertruck. Yeah, it's good on sand, it's good on rocky pathways. Roads are its friend. As far as great in the rain, as far as making U turns, you're never going to have an easier turn. The radius is perfect. It could go over Fences, no problem.

[C]

Now, if you need the windows. Yeah. If you need it to perform as an actual truck, you're out of luck. But other than that.

[A]

Well, I think no gravel. I mean, we're just pretty. I think everything else, small rocks, tiny.

[B]

Pebbles, anything big, you can't.

[A]

Yeah, I guess that would be the other knock on it. Nothing big will be good, but other.

[B]

Than that, you can cut your finger off if you want that.

[A]

Well, it's a raised. Everything's razor sharp, so don't touch any of the edges. But that's pretty standard with any vehicle, don't you know? But it's the only car you could shave with, so that's exciting. That's exciting for people.

[B]

And if you try to tow something, bumper will just come right off like. Like a Lego.

[A]

The only car fully designed on ketamine.

[C]

Back to horses.

[A]

Back to horses.

[B]

The jury center was due to the violation of ordinance by the drivers in not tying their horses while they went into a house to deliver goods.

[C]

Emergency.

[B]

Rogers and Haynes said. Yeah, Roger said they. It said they had received no instructions to tie their horses and they thought they were perfectly gentle. I don't know, but isn't that given Right.

[C]

Who has to tell you to tie a horse?

[A]

I didn't know I had to put the car in park when I got out of it.

[B]

Yeah, that's exactly what this is. They knew of. No. They knew. They knew of the existence of no ordinance bearing on the subject. So they're like, I don't know how to tie.

[A]

Well, I didn't know I had to look left and right when crossing the road. I was hit by a car.

[C]

Yeah. This is like old people. Old people always make the joke. Like they'll look at the side of a bottle of bleach and be like, look, it says, don't drink the bleach. You know, that's made for this generation. We knew better. And it's like, no, your generation was the person that wasn't tying their horses up. So you made the labels. You were. Well, it didn't.

[A]

Siblings died in the crib.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, man. Good Lord. And by the way, you can drink bleach. You need to dilute it heavily.

[C]

Sure. I mean, I've had. But you can't drink test.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, you can drink it. Do you see the.

[C]

You ever seen the baby cages that they used to hang babies out of in New York? Hold on.

[A]

Air conditioning before we finish. Go ahead. They're hanging babies in cages near ACs. Go ahead.

[C]

No, it wasn't near an AC.

[A]

No, I know what you're talking about.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like out of the window, they just take a little, a little catio. Yeah.

[C]

This way the baby can nap with a breeze and they're on a 40 level thing and the baby's just in.

[A]

The cage while a pelican's just pulling on the soft part of the back of the head.

[C]

Yeah. Oh my.

[A]

No, no.

[C]

And to their. In their defense, no one told them not to do it.

[A]

Yep, I agree.

[C]

Go ahead, Dad.

[B]

I just want to say don't drink. Don't drink bleach, please.

[A]

Well, yeah, that's a fine message.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I think. How about this? Both. Some of the people on the show. Yeah, I agree. I think it's important to have both sides. So Dave, go ahead. You don't think you should drink bleach. And Corey and I are both going to say quite simply, it's survivable.

[C]

Can do it.

[B]

Mark Baldwin charged with rioting. Mark Baldwin, the famous baseball pitcher now playing with the Allegheny Club.

[A]

He was a right handed pitcher. He was a rioting.

[B]

Was arrest.

[C]

Oh boy.

[B]

Was arrested last night.

[A]

I gotta go. I actually have to leave this up a little early.

[C]

Guys, please.

[B]

Was arrested last night on a warrant sworn out by Secretary Lovejoy of the Carnegie Steel Company charging him with aggravated riot at Homestead on July 6. He is accused of furnishing rifles to the strikers. His father, a well known resident and former millworker of Homestead, furnished bail and he was released to await the grand jury.

[C]

Hold on.

[B]

I like that. That's a good baseball guy.

[C]

That is a great baseball guy. Are you saying that the person that worked at a steel company is the one that issued a warrant?

[B]

Yes, that's how that worked.

[C]

I mean, I'm very aware that corporations are technically more powerful than our government institutions, but they actually could just, just draw up a warrant.

[A]

Well, at least now we go through the process of like telling them to do the warranting and you know, then we are like, oh, that's cool that we actually. They followed through on some law and order.

[C]

Right. But this was just very out in the open.

[A]

This was where they just. I mean, I actually kind of like this way a little bit better because at least it's all out.

[C]

No, I agree.

[A]

There's no veil.

[C]

Yeah, there's, you know, Tim, Tim Wilson used to have a great bit about how he would respect congressmen more if when they went to Congress they were all wearing jackets that had patches of like.

[A]

Like the nascar.

[C]

Yeah, like the NASCAR thing. And I was like, yeah, I mean I'd still hate him. But, like, if people were more honest, at least we all know. Yeah.

[A]

Unfortunately, now you'd be like, wow, they're all just in the Israeli flag.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Super weird to see that.

[C]

Oh, you Biden.

[B]

We can laugh.

[A]

Oh, no, it's funny now because a genocide has been committed.

[C]

That's true. Well, is being committed, I think.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Committed would mean it was done and is happening. No, it's not done yet. No. Nope.

[B]

This is the next.

[A]

I think Kirsten Gillibrand is gonna get us out of it. I don't know who that is, but I agree. She's the answer. That's the one.

[B]

This is the next story. Baldwin resigns with Pittsburgh. So this is about the same pitcher who just gave all the guns to the.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pitcher Mark Baldwin's was re signed today by the Pittsburgh club. He may pitch tomorrow.

[A]

Wow, what a 24 hours this fellow's having.

[C]

It's been practicing throwing bricks. Yeah.

[B]

Pitcher Gambari was suspended for insubordination. Has been released.

[A]

Wow. That guy was like. Wait, you realize that guy gave, like a militia arms? They're like. Yeah, unfortunately, you're just. You're out of line.

[C]

So we only care about one arm, and that's the one attached to his shoulder. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, that's. He's signing with the Cowboys.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

The woman novelist.

[A]

Corey. Corey. Corey.

[B]

Mostly. Better be J.K. rowling.

[C]

God damn it.

[B]

Oh, God. Oh, Christ. The ladies prefer to read a novel written by a woman because she always pays particular attention to the dress of her heroine.

[A]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna bet you this is a man writing. And he just found the greatest angle of the time. So he's like. And there she was wearing her long dress. Her underpants went right up her cooter. She was a woman for sure.

[B]

A man will send his heroine on a long journey without changing her dress. Although she may have just come in.

[A]

From a horseback ride, where the next day, wearing the exact same outfit, Sheila walked in. She demanded a conversation with Jefferson, whom she'd been awaiting the seat. He was wearing a new outfit. He was respectable.

[C]

This just in men better at editing. That's what I'm hearing. I'm just saying, you know, you don't have to. We don't. We assume that they change clothes. I agree, though, that, like when you read things that a man has, when a man tries to write about a woman or sex, like, I'm not trying to be all woke here, but it does seem like a 4chan Redditor did. Like, they're always like her breasts were breasting breastily neath her neck, which was only there to accentuate the space between her face and her breast.

[A]

Her cleavage was better than ever. Trust me. Real good stuff. I just whacked off. All right. Anyway, I've been in. I remember when I was in like rooms, like trying to like pitch for women. And then like some amazing female writer would pitch and I'd be like, well, that's obviously, I'm incapable of that. That was. That's very empathetic towards the plight of that character. That seems like something a woman would do. Now, what if the fella walks in?

[C]

And furthermore, my favorite part of the latest James Bond movie was when he changed pants on the way to the meeting.

[A]

The best. That's cute. And these, James, are khakis. I think you could wear them when you go to an outdoor event or something. When it's a little bright, match it with a white shirt, maybe a tie of a similar color or something a bit more beige and yellow. What does it do? It goes pretty much anything. Outside. We all look unbelievable.

[C]

If you can't imagine me, you will make shorts. Sorry, Dave, go ahead.

[A]

And they've got zippers that you can unzip and they turn into shorts.

[C]

James.

[A]

Khaki shorts. And there's poison in the button, you idiot. It's not just that.

[C]

And I'm sure you're wondering, what if I have cargo that I must carry with me? Well, fret not.

[A]

These. These part of the pants are also pockets. Huge ones. All right, Dave.

[B]

Corey's smoking a box.

[C]

I am smoking.

[A]

Cory's got a box.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Dress to a woman is part of her personality in every shade of feeling. And every new situation must have a dress to correspond.

[A]

I mean, it says a lot.

[C]

There's.

[A]

This is a loaded story.

[C]

I like that it started out kind of feminist. Like women are so much better at writing women. And then it's just like. Because we all know that women's personalities are completely attached to what they're wearing.

[A]

Nobody can write dresses better than the ones we force into them all the time.

[B]

A typical Philadelphia dwelling at the Chicago Exposition. Among the exhibits at the World's Fair will be a facsimile of a two story model Philadelphia dwelling. Wow, Ms. E.

[A]

That's very similar to what we have.

[C]

Nobody in Philly knew what he meant by fiximile. For the record, just so you know.

[A]

That'S when you got a broken simile and someone comes over and repairs it.

[C]

Hey, can you fix Emily? Hell, yeah.

[A]

Yeah, I could fix just about anything.

[B]

Ms. E.P. davis, chairman of the Social and Economic Committee of Pennsylvania Women's Auxilia, who has charge of the matter, has made the commissioners understand that she wanted to exhibit not a model of what a home might be, but what it actually was. The house is to be of brick with six rooms and bath, the interior finished exactly as the houses in Philadelphia are.

[A]

So did they. Did they. Did they build it there or. They did. Like the early version of the oversized load on wagons where you're like, my God, why is this guy moving his whole house?

[B]

No, it sounds like they built it there.

[A]

They just built it. That's interesting.

[B]

They built a house like this is what it's like where we are.

[A]

Yeah, no, it's. We're very. We're doing a very similar thing here, ma'. Am.

[B]

Well, the. Ours is different because it's a Philadelphia house. You don't have. Well, it's six rooms.

[A]

No. Yeah, it's. It's a big house, is what it is. We have those here and a bass.

[C]

And we don't have those in Philadelphia, that's for sure. We are stinky, illiterate people, and we are proud.

[A]

It's just a bucket. Look at that tub, huh? Luxury.

[B]

The thing of which Philadelphia has a bona fide reason to be proud of is her homes. Other cities have homes that are neat and pretty, and this one's a. Constructed with.

[A]

Look at it.

[C]

Filled with shards of glass. This, Philadelphia.

[A]

How is this. These windows won't even open. How cool is that?

[B]

With a view to preservation of the health of their inmates. But no other city has so many of them. So. Phil, if he just has.

[A]

What a boast.

[C]

A lie. Why would you just such a lie?

[B]

We've got a bunch of these, okay?

[A]

I swear to God. Yeah.

[B]

In no other city are they erected at such little cost. In Northern city are they open to so many people who were. Everywhere else would be called poor. Okay.

[A]

Hey, man, this is the worst exhibit I've seen. So it's a house. Yeah, Yeah, I get that you don't.

[C]

Understand, but it's in Philadelphia.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

There a lot of them in Philadelphia.

[A]

Imagine a city full of abode.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Dwellings.

[B]

People live in them. I don't know what you do in your city.

[A]

Everyone's looking at me like I'm crazy. Let me walk you one more time through what I'm presenting here. Inside of here, people live. Those are rooms. They live in them, too. Okay.

[C]

Huh.

[B]

So it's a house.

[A]

And It's a hat. Yeah, it's a house, you idiot.

[B]

Yeah, well, we have. They're all over Chicago too. You can walk down the street.

[A]

Because I brought them. Cause I brought them.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

None of them have libraries.

[A]

Chase this guy. This guy's at every event lately. This guy's the worst. We're reading.

[C]

We know.

[B]

We know of one particular person from Philadelphia who is really just now.

[A]

It's just. He's a guy who is so dumb. He's so dumb.

[B]

Yeah. He's like the dumbest Burnsian is what people call him.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I didn't know Burns was in Philadelphia. I love this.

[A]

Oh, yeah, he's. I'm gonna do my Corey impression for the rest. Oh, yeah, he's.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Maybe it's because I'm so used to getting arrested that I'm always like this shot mode.

[A]

But they also do those front facing.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, they do.

[B]

I mean, it makes. Yeah, that's a good.

[A]

Excuse me. I'm. I'll do the other profile, sir. But you're not getting a front facing. You never arrested Corey before. He won't face the camera.

[C]

You caught old side face Forster. He's been on the run for a long time.

[A]

Nobody's ever seen it.

[B]

Moon Boy.

[A]

Oh, you're talking about Moonbear.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Moon Boy.

[A]

A cow jumped over his head and then attacked a bishop.

[B]

While Mr. George Keck was enjoying his afternoon smoke in his meat and produce store in Bridgeport yesterday.

[A]

I was just come on into m. All these carcasses banging a heater. And then my day took an uneventful. Strange twist.

[C]

This meat is more expensive because it killed a guy in London.

[A]

This is how I smoke meats. Hello.

[B]

He was startled. He was startled by seeing a large tarantula make his appearance at the top of a large bunch of bananas.

[A]

Sweet God, look at that pyramid of bananas. There's a spider with hair upon it. It. This day's bending already.

[C]

Dude. If I saw a tarantula, it would ruin my day. And even though I know that they're like, really? Because they. Well, because.

[A]

Awesome.

[C]

Once I realized it was a tarantula, I would be fine. But people were always like, oh, you shouldn't be scared of tarantulas because they can't kill you. I'm like, when I first see a spider, I'm not all of a sudden Steve Irwin. I don't. I just know it's a big spider.

[A]

Look at his eyes.

[C]

Yeah. Like, I don't. I just. Spiders, dude.

[A]

There are you. Just them.

[C]

There are that was bad wording.

[B]

Yeah, that was very bad wording.

[A]

I'm gonna make web.

[B]

There are places near us, very close to Gareth and I, where they. At a certain time of year, I guess they're breeding or migrating, but you can just go out and watch them just like cruise across the middles, like.

[C]

Nope.

[B]

Tons of them.

[A]

It's awesome.

[C]

No, that's.

[A]

When I see a tarantula in the wild, I'm like, just.

[C]

Yeah, just more proof that God is truly punishing you sodomites out there, because.

[A]

You just talking about. Well, what are you talking?

[C]

Earthquakes? You got spiders just running around like. Come on, you filthy monsters.

[A]

We also have plumbing.

[C]

Yeah, well, you got us beat on that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He called in Mr. Suppley who happened to be passing at the time, and they.

[A]

So he just called.

[B]

He just called the guy from the street. Suply.

[C]

Get in here.

[A]

There's a spider. Oh, yeah, that sounds pretty nice. I'm glad you boys called me in.

[B]

Okay, go now, please. Go now.

[A]

A little warm for these shirts. What do you all say? We have a layer off competition so you're clothes in a pile.

[B]

We watch in here because of a spider.

[C]

So this is a. This is a house, right? That's what this is.

[A]

What is this strange area?

[C]

Excellent.

[B]

No, it's my meat and produce store.

[A]

Oh, I've got some meat that will produce for you, right? What does that mean? Rub it like a genie lamp and I'll give you as many wishes as you want. My guy. Jesus Christ. There's feral dogs in here. I'm still so. I'm still aroused. What do you say we cut some of these carcasses down and see who comes. You can fit in them. Hey, put two on the ground. I'll titty them.

[C]

But not right.

[A]

Not between.

[C]

Not between one of their titties. You lay two side by side and you tit the. The left tit of one and the right tit of the. You push them together so you're technically two people at once.

[A]

We call bad news, gentlemen.

[C]

We call gentlemen.

[B]

I'm leaving your store.

[A]

Hey, hold on. Wait a minute. It. It's called marinating.

[B]

I do not want to be here.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, come on. Let me lock it.

[B]

Another one more word and I sick these animals on you.

[A]

I'm busting. I'm busting boys.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

I'm busting.

[B]

His tarantula ship was found hiding in a box.

[A]

That's the leader. Your tarantula ship. I wanted to bring you a gift of webbing. Your tarantula Ship is unbelievable. What an honor. Again. Yes. Approach.

[C]

Oh, God.

[A]

Your tarantula ship.

[C]

That's the dumbest, greatest thing I've ever heard. Your tarantula ship.

[A]

Tarantula ship.

[C]

That's so stupid.

[A]

Yes. When you leave the room, don't turn your eyes on me. All of them.

[B]

He was found hiding in a box of canned tomatoes. An old broom was procured.

[A]

Awesome situation for him. He was like, I'll tell you what, tomatoes are pretty delicious.

[C]

Yeah. I was about to say, I don't know if he was hiding. I think he just found some tomatoes. He didn't know he was hiding. Yeah. I don't know if he knew. He's being looked for.

[A]

Shit.

[B]

An old broom handle was procured. In one end of which was inserted a large needle, which was promptly run through the venomous spider.

[A]

They were just like how Corey would handle.

[C]

Yeah, well, I just hit him with the broom. Like, I don't know why you have to.

[A]

The one needle.

[C]

Yeah. Like, that seems like it took. Like, by the time you did that, you could probably also find a way to just like, get the tarantula.

[A]

1892. MacGyver.

[C]

Yeah. Just throw the tomato can out the outside. He's in there. You know what I mean?

[A]

No, no, no. We got to figure out how to make this string, needle and broom work in conjunction together.

[C]

Yeah. As much as I hate spiders, if I could free them from my home instead of killing them, I would have. You can and I have. I have. I'm just saying, sometimes they get right in your face and you get scared. You lie.

[A]

Yeah. Right in your face.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

They get right in your face. What's up?

[C]

Your tarantula ship.

[A]

Yeah. Your tarantula ship. We're on a mission from our queen. The tarantula insect.

[B]

The insect was of light gray color and was 8 inches long. Been there after it had been exhibited. After it had been exhibited for some time, it was taken to March's packing house, where it was cremated.

[A]

Cremated. What a nice shine they put on burning it alive. The ashes were given to its tarantula wife, and she will spread it where she must.

[C]

What are you doing with that magnifying glass? I'm just cremating ants, Me, Lord.

[A]

It's how they want to go, Dave. Yelling that's it. That's it. Do jazz hands if you're gonna do that. That's good. Okay, well, you know, we learned very little. I don't think much was learned from this.

[C]

Of the people of Philadelphia.

[A]

Ah, fools. So, Corey, remind us again where people can find you your podcasts. I understand you have an overall with Facebook.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, I know I wear overalls on Facebook. You had that backwards. But yeah. Corey Ryan Forster.com, which is where you can find all the tickets to see me everywhere and it all. There's also a link to my bonus site, My Hero Hero, where you can find all my bonus podcasts. I do the well read podcast. Putting on airs Public domain Sleepy Time Theater. Coming soon. Four score and seven beers. But other than that, I'm just a prolific guest on this wonderful podcast that is better than anything I could ever do do.

[A]

Wow, Dave, that must make you feel good.

[C]

Oh, I write for the Atlanta Journal Constitution too, so please go read that so they'll keep paying me and.

[A]

Are you working on a book?

[C]

No, I did. I'd already done that. I mean, I'm constantly kind of working on a book, but no one's giving me money for it yet, so I'm not doing it that hard. I wait till they give me money.

[A]

Make you an offer.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I think we'd like to make you an offer. Let's sidebar on that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. All right, great.

[C]

It won't sell well in Philadelphia. You know what I mean?

[A]

Okay. That. Jesus Christ. We've really. We're supposed to go there at some point. Feels like that show's over.

[C]

Oh, I love illiterate people. And I. I know that where I'm from, we can't read either. I just happened to see this the other day. That the people of Philadelphia were a bunch of rock chewing dumbasses. You know.

[A]

Rock Chewers. Nothing says Cory. Corey, if we. If. If anyone finds the Fart files, where should they reach out to you? On your Instagram.

[C]

Yeah. Or buttercream cor. Gmail.com, which is where I take all of my fan mail.

[A]

You know what your new podcast should be?

[C]

What's that?

[A]

Dave watches Corey talk.

[C]

Yeah, that would be good. He, like, he just re. Just his face, he just reacts.

[A]

Yeah, it's nice because it's like I. I get a lot of those looks, but I feel like pound for pound, you are rocking a lot of them today.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

He's giving you a lot of no's. I.

[C]

Every time I do this podcast and I still feel this way right now, I go, they're not going to have me back. And then, sure enough, someone cancels, and here I am.

[A]

No, not even cancels. No. Burns just says, tomorrow, Corey. And Dave goes, not again.

[C]

That's true. I did that. I specifically got Burns on my podcast team just so I would constantly have to be in Yalls lives.

[A]

Yeah, no, it's working. Well, see you next week. Weekend. And. And Dave, any update on the dogs or should we just get out of here?

[B]

They're still alive.

[A]

Okay. That's a strange way to put it. Thanks everybody. Some of these days. Hey, Dollop fans. I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gary Earth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember, of the rube, you can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the rube. It. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of the it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube.