150 - The Past Times with Mike Bridenstine

Summary

The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds

Episode 150 – The Past Times with Mike Bridenstine

Date: November 7, 2025
Guest: Mike Bridenstine
Main Theme:
A comedic exploration of random historic newspaper stories, blending wild true-life comedy lore with a 1927 Kansas City newspaper—and a heavy side of riffing, banter, and side tangents.

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Overview

In this lively episode of "The Past Times", comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds, joined by guest Mike Bridenstine, dig through random stories from a 1927 Kansas City newspaper. Mike also shares jaw-dropping tales from his new book "Kansas City Comedy." The episode oscillates between bizarre historical headlines, surreal comedy lore from the stand-up world, and hilarious unscripted riffing—showcasing the absurdity of both American history and showbiz culture. Listeners can expect infectious laughter, off-the-wall improvs, and a host of "Did that really happen?" moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Mike Bridenstine’s Book and Comedy’s Wildest Stories

• [01:42–06:45]
  • Mike plugs his new book, "Kansas City Comedy", sharing jaw-dropping stories of legendary club antics, including:
    • The notorious Stanford and Sons owner, his wild criminal history, and Hollywood escapades.
    • Emery Emery faking paralysis for two years just to get a standing ovation (03:16).
    • The infamous "possum and vacuum" gag at an open mic, causing mass vomiting and chaos (05:12).
  • Quote:
    • “He faked being paralyzed in a wheelchair for two years just so he could get a standing ovation at a theater and then stand himself.” — Mike Bridenstine [03:16]
    • “People were vomiting, GM is throwing pint glasses at his head, threatening to kill him... I just thought it would work.” — Mike on the possum incident [05:53]
    • “We all romanticize Andy Kaufman, but you forget it was a world of bombs...” — Dave [06:38]

2. The Format: Guessing the Newspaper Year

• [07:51–08:59]
  • The hosts and Mike play their trademark guessing game, trying to guess the year of the historical newspaper.
  • Mike’s guess: 1866 (08:26). The real date: March 9, 1927, Kansas City.

3. Absurd Historic Headlines & Banter

• a) Don't Kill Bandits, Kiss Them

  • [09:48–12:08]
    • A Kansas City headline claims a merchant stopped a robbery by kissing the bandit, then chased and kissed him again. All hosts question the truth.
    • Memorable riffing on the psychology of kisses interrupting robberies.
    • Quotes:
      • “You gotta chase me a little bit. You like a little bit of a chase?” — Mike & Gareth [11:47–11:49]
      • “The chasing and kissing made it a lot, lot less true for me.” — Dave [11:34]

• b) Colorado Judge Upholds Right to Get Drunk at Home

  • [13:23–15:26]
    • Prohibition-era Colorado: judge rules that getting drunk at home is an inalienable right.
    • Quote: “It is a man’s inalienable right to get as drunk as he pleases in his own home...” — Judge Haynes (read by Dave) [14:44]
    • The hosts riff on how public intoxication rules evolved.

• c) Courtroom Gunfire & Wild Justice

  • [18:27–20:28]
    • A revolver accidentally goes off in a mobster’s trial. More amazed at how wild courts used to be.
    • “Court used to be awesome.” — Dave [18:30]

• d) The Great Biscuit Size Debate

  • [20:52–31:51]
    • Oklahoma legislature debates regulating biscuits to 3 inches wide, outdoing Kansas’ pie bill.
    • Discussion devolves into riffs on black market biscuits, culinary oppression, and “Middle Westerners” defending biscuit honor.
    • Quote: “A biscuit is a biscuit—it’s like abortion back then.” — Dave [22:53]
    • “You got people eating back-alley biscuits. 15-inch biscuits going into biscuit basement clubs.” — Gareth [23:26, 23:37]
    • “When is a boy a man? When is a biscuit a biscuit?” — Dave [61:56]

• e) Monkey Outsmarts German Scientist

  • [33:31–37:18]
    • Germans test a monkey’s intelligence with a banana-in-tube puzzle; monkey solves it better than the human.
    • Tangents about historical research funding and German scientific priorities at the time.

• f) Burglar Bites Victims and Flees

  • [38:17–41:51]
    • Burglar escaping through a transom after biting his victims; hosts riff on the nature of failed burglaries, the importance of a “successful” heist, and life as a “biting burglar.”

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4. Wild Character Stories: Marriages, Poison, and Domestic Disputes

• a) Railroad Fireman’s Wife Sent to Jail for Beating Husband

  • [43:17–44:56]
    • Woman receives 30 days in jail for beating her husband (black eyes, lost teeth) in a jealous rage.
    • “Do you know the beating you have to inflict on someone for teeth to come out?” — Dave [44:05]

• b) Thieving Wife Gets 6 Months for Stealing Husband’s Clothes

  • [45:06–46:54]
    • Woman steals husband’s clothes, car, and ring—gets six months in jail. Tangents on the surname "Kuntz."

• c) Youth Makes Poison, Suicide Attempt Fails

  • [47:37–49:55]
    • Hungarian youth tries to kill himself with homemade poison (tobacco and match-heads), only manages to give himself diarrhea.
    • “The good news is I finally invented a way to get diarrhea quick.” — Gareth [50:07]

• d) 93-Year-Old Marries for Third Time

  • [50:25–52:49]
    • Missouri man, 93, on his third marriage. The focus: how old people keep marrying, inheritance-motivated marriages, and wildly exaggerated ages.

• e) 14-Year-Old Farmboy Seeks to Marry 27-Year-Old Divorcee

  • [53:04–59:59+]
    • Small-town Maine blocks a marriage between a “husky” teen and a 27-year-old mother (with a 5-year-old).
    • The hosts debate parental responsibility and teenage agency, leading to a riff comparing legislative biscuit regulations and age-of-marriage laws.
    • Quote: “When is a boy a man? When is a biscuit a biscuit?” — Dave [61:56]
    • “Letty Foster, town clerk, refused to issue a marriage license to Willie Buzzell, husky farm worker... Oh, my god, he’s 14 and husky!” — Dave & Mike [58:03, 58:09]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Comedy Club Insanity:

  • “They would try to pay people in chicken wings and cocaine type clubs.” — Mike Bridenstine [02:00]
  • “He faked being paralyzed in a wheelchair for two years just so he could get a standing ovation at a theater and then stand himself.” — Mike Bridenstine [03:16]

• Absurd News Reactions:

  • “You gotta chase me a little bit. You like a little bit of a chase?” — Mike & Gareth [11:47–11:49]
  • “A biscuit is a biscuit—it’s like abortion back then.” — Dave [22:53]
  • “You got people eating back-alley biscuits. 15-inch biscuits, going into biscuit basement clubs.” — Gareth [23:26, 23:37]
  • “When is a boy a man? When is a biscuit a biscuit?” — Dave [61:56]
  • “Court used to be awesome.” — Dave [18:30]
  • “The good news is I finally invented a way to get diarrhea quick.” — Gareth [50:07]
  • “Kissed him again to celebrate it was over.” — Gareth [12:05]

• On Outwitted Scientists:

  • “The monkey picked up the tube, inserted it upside down, and gave it one vigorous shake. The banana tumbled out immediately...” — Gareth (reading) [37:16]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:42–06:45: Mike Bridenstine's book stories
• 07:51–08:59: Year guessing and reveal: 1927
• 09:48–12:08: "Don't kill bandits, kiss them" headline and riffs
• 13:23–15:26: Right to get drunk at home—Prohibition
• 18:27–20:28: Courtroom gunshot incident
• 20:52–31:51: The Great Biscuit Size Debate of 1927
• 33:31–37:18: Monkey outsmarts German scientist
• 38:17–41:51: Burglar bites victims and escapes
• 43:17–44:56: Railroad fireman’s wife jailed for assault
• 45:06–46:54: Thieving wife gets six months
• 47:37–49:55: Failed suicide by homemade poison
• 50:25–52:49: 93-year-old marries for third time
• 53:04–59:59: 14-year-old seeks marriage to 27-year-old divorcee

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Tone & Style

The tone is irreverent, playful, and heavily improvisational, with running gags, sudden bursts of absurdity, and frequent jaunts into darker or ultra-silly territory. Dave and Gareth maintain their signature dynamic: Dave as the straight-faced historian with a taste for the absurd, and Gareth as the gleeful provocateur. Guest Mike Bridenstine blends right in, offering stories that astound even these seasoned comics.

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Conclusion

The episode is a hilarious, often jaw-dropping example of the Dollop format, blending real history with modern comedic sensibility and wild true stories from America’s comedy underbelly. Worth a full listen for anyone who loves comedy, history, and deeply weird Americana.

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Guest Plug:

• Mike Bridenstine, "Kansas City Comedy" is available on Amazon.

For More:

• Listen for additional bits on food legislation, marriage laws, and the quirks of Midwestern honor.
• For tour dates and show news, visit GarethReynolds.com.

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Transcript

[A]

All right, everybody, welcome to the Past Times. It's a podcast, is it? No, it's not a podcast. It's a series of technical hurdles until nobody wants to record a podcast anymore. You know what we do here each week? We go through newspaper from a random dated history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest, the great Mike Bridenstine. Hi, Mike.

[B]

Hi.

[C]

Thank you for having me.

[A]

How are you?

[C]

I'm fantastic.

[A]

Thank you for being here.

[C]

I feel good.

[A]

Thank you for hanging in there too.

[B]

Yeah. I'm sorry about Gary.

[A]

I'll be honest, I've been at it for 30 minutes today.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you guys just got around seven and that's.

[C]

I learned about it actually rolled in.

[B]

At the right time.

[A]

Yeah. Dave rolled in very confident that everything would be set up. And it was.

[B]

Which wasn't.

[A]

Was pretty much.

[B]

Except for the. All the stuff we just did.

[A]

Well, yeah, but I climbed a ladder. I turned on lights, I plugged.

[B]

There's a lot of. There's been a lot of ladder talk since I got here, and it seems excessive.

[A]

Well, there's one matter of time until there's a rope attached to whatever.

[B]

But you're calling that thing there a ladder. Yeah, because a lot of people would just call that a step stool.

[A]

When you get to my age, stepping stools become ladders.

[B]

It's just got two steps.

[A]

Yeah, but that's a dance where I come from.

[C]

How many steps there have to make a ladder?

[A]

I think that's a really good question.

[B]

Four.

[C]

Four steps.

[A]

I think that's a pretty good answer. I'll be honest. I'm the one getting raked, but that's a pretty good answ.

[C]

When does the step stool become a ladder?

[A]

For that, I believe that's. I mean, that's what put Siddhartha Nirvana, if memory serves, was a question like that.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Mike, will you tell us about your book that is out now, that came out yesterday. Where can people get it? But then will you kind of tell us what.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is about a little bit.

[C]

It's called Kansas City Comedy. You can get it on. Unfortunately, Amazon is the best place to get it.

[B]

I love Amazon.

[C]

I. I looked up the most infamous set I'd ever heard of, and when I started talking to people who were at this comedy set in 2001, they were like, well, you know where this was, Right? And so I found out it was at Stanford and Sons in Kansas City, which basically, this is one of those, like, they Would try to pay people in chicken wings and cocaine type clubs.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then I found out that the owner of that club, when he was in college, got robbed at gunpoint when he was selling weed, got a fake FBI badge, and went on a string of 33 fake sting operations to try to get his money back. And then he came out to Hollywood to pitch his story. They bought it, and then all these bad things started happening, and they thought he faked it, so he tried to prove it was true. So these three guys go rob a drug dealer. Two of the three of them get murdered in the process, and then he goes and runs this club. So all of these like it. The story kept getting crazier and crazier. And then I would talk to people from Kansas City. Like, I talked to, like, or people who knew about it. Like, Paul Provenza would be like, the story that you're working on is the best one. But do you know about Emory? Emory in the wheelchair? And so I found this.

[B]

Wait, Emory Emery's involved?

[C]

He faked being paralyzed in a wheelchair for two years just so he could get a standing ovation at a theater and then stand himself.

[A]

Oh, my.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

You know what sucks about this? The podcast is not going to be nearly as good as what's happening right now.

[C]

No, it's like, this is like, I've done stand up for, like, almost 25 years, and this is easily the craziest three stories I've ever heard. Like, in one. Oh, my God. So it's called. It's it. And two of the stories have. It all happened in Kansas City. So I made it about Kansas City. So it's called a Kansas City comedy. And I. It's the most fun I've ever had writing anything. And I actually think, like, people will enjoy these stories and stuff, because, like, I believe so.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It's just, like, it was a lot of fun to write and. Yeah, I hope people check it out.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

Well, that is shocking. Honestly, the standing ovation one is. Is sticking with me even more than the first one, which is.

[B]

Have you ever met Emory? Emory? No. Okay.

[A]

No.

[C]

He came to the party last night. He told me that if people. If. If he had been wearing a tie on stage, the gasp in the theater would have taken the tie towards the crowd. And then. And then a Whitney Brown was the headliner, and everybody who was there was like, a Whitney Brown spat in his face when he got to the game.

[A]

Wait, so a Whitney Brown was under the impression that he was also had a form of paralyzation for two years.

[C]

Like, James Inman was like, we were gonna stab him in the legs to see if he was really paralyzed. And I was like, why didn't you? And he goes, because what if he's paralyzed? And I was like, fair enough. That.

[A]

That is really absolutely incredible.

[B]

How have I never heard that?

[C]

So the story. I'll tell you, the craziest story is like, the. This guy, Kyle Paris, and we had heard this story because he moved to Chicago, where I was doing. Where I kind of started, and he found roadkill on the way to the open mic, and he put a possum in his cooler, and then he took it out on stage. He was pretending he was an animal trainer, and he's like, oh, no, my animal died. And this thing is like, it's July in Kansas City, so it's rotting on the freeway. And then he put a vacuum cleaner in the possum's mouth. And he's like, let's get out. Whatever's choking it, turn the vacuum on.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

And whatever is a vacuum sucks in a vacuum also blows out. And so there's like a hundred people in this open mic, and they're trampling over top of each other. People are vomiting. The GM is throwing pint glasses at his head and, like, threatening to kill him. And then he got kicked out of the club, banned for life. And he's sitting on the curb and the comics are walking out being like, what the fuck, dude? And he looked at all of them because he had to wait. He wanted to get his vacuum. He left it inside. And so, like, everybody that was, like, yelling at him, he was going. I just thought it would work. And so I heard. I'd heard this story for years. I found people who were there, and it just started, like, snowballing from there.

[A]

Well, you know, they don't. We all. We all romanticize Andy Hoffman, but you forget the. It was a. A world of bombs. And then just. We look back with great reverence. But that. You know what really sucks about that is that he missed the clip era because. Talk about a clip.

[B]

Yeah, the. The clip.

[C]

The quote that I loved in the book is this. His best friend telling me, like, how viral he would have gone. She's like, you've seen Matt rife, like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I did. I used to do. I did it a couple of times. Touch a Fish night. So I would. When I was hosting at the Holy City Zoo open Micah, I would go buy a fish, and I would tie it to the ceiling so it would hang down. And I wouldn't let anybody do a set until they touched the. The fish.

[A]

A dead fish.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, it's just like a. It's like a trout or something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I. I could not believe how many people refute would like be screaming.

[A]

At me like, it's the Apollo log.

[B]

It was fucking crazy. And then just. That just made me want to do it more.

[C]

Oh, that is so funny. Me. And I guess also my favorite stand up lore is like my favorite thing, so.

[A]

Yeah, well, that's. That's quite a. That's quite a combination of a few.

[B]

That's really amazing things.

[A]

But unfortunately, Mike, we're not a regular podcast, so we can't just. This is probably the most. We've talked to a guest about what they're trying to. No, no, we. No, no, we really. We pushed you. But let's get to the premise of this show. Even though people are dreading it. We're gonna go through a newspaper. Mike, you heard the intro. We're gonna start with guessing what year it's from. You as our guest get to guess first. The range is probably 1700. It could be 20 years ago.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

We don't know. But go ahead and guess. You'll win either way because Dave's a real prick.

[B]

I'm a prick.

[C]

1866, good.

[B]

Okay, that's not it. But he wins, which is amazing. 27.

[A]

What's your deal?

[B]

I. I just felt. I felt this any.

[A]

The guessing is the whole thing.

[B]

He was in such a happy place, way off. It's not even about necessarily.

[A]

You should be allowed to guess as.

[B]

Much as it is.

[C]

It's a vibes thing.

[B]

How you.

[A]

No, it isn't.

[B]

He looked so happy when he was saying I would have been.

[A]

I get happy. I've named it directly the year a couple times. It made me very happy.

[C]

My favorite thing is guessing years incorrectly. So that's why I was so happy.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, you could tell.

[A]

So now I got to guess first. I just. You really are. You know what it's like? It's like when you're playing Tik Tok Tactoe and you're like, I can't win.

[B]

You know what? It's so weird to. To watch a co host of a show not be able to feel joy for a guest. I mean, that's what's going on here.

[A]

All right, 1927.

[B]

Where's the paper from March 9, 1927? The Kansas City Post. Oh, hey. We were just in Kansas City. I'm going back there a couple. Couple.

[A]

I got a new closer, by the way. Loves a possum in a vacuum.

[C]

It'll close the club, don't worry.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Full closer.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Jesus. Don't kill bandits. Kiss them. Yankee merchants policy. Oh, let's see. Okay. Don't kill bandits, comma, kiss them, comma, Yankee merchants policy. It still is just not a good headline.

[A]

I think that's called progressive in 1927 Kansas.

[B]

I mean, it's sexy.

[A]

I don't hate it. It's just. Kiss them. I like that.

[B]

Brockton, Massachusetts. This is. You know, I love when we do a Kansas City paper and all the stories was that a Brockton, Massachusetts kisses. Frustrated. A hold up here today.

[A]

I. It is. It would. Your wires would get crossed if someone just kissed you during a hold up.

[B]

Yeah, well, it depends, like, if you're. If the dude's really homophobic. And I like, lean across the counter.

[A]

And I'm like, 1927.

[C]

Yeah, 27.

[A]

Brockton, Massachusetts.

[B]

I there homophobia there.

[C]

They don't like gays at that point.

[A]

No.

[C]

Or they didn't know what they were. They might not have known what they were.

[B]

Are we pretending like they do now?

[A]

Well, now they know what they are. They just.

[C]

They know what they are.

[A]

Yeah, they know what they are.

[B]

It's just, they're like you.

[A]

If you don't finish your shot, it's what you are. Don't go to donkeys.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

When a bandit entered his store and demanded money, Sam Alderman became so excited that he kissed him on the cheek. Oh. Behold. Empty handed.

[A]

Yeah, it is. It is.

[B]

Yeah, it is, isn't it? The older man was so surprised that he left empty handed, and Alderman was so pleased that he chased the bandit and kissed him again before he got away. This is not real. This is not true. This is absolutely not true.

[A]

The chasing and kissing made it a lot, lot less true for me.

[B]

Isn't that how you prefer a kiss, though?

[A]

To be chased a little bit? I mean, I'd rather that than be chasing, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You gotta chase me a little bit.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. You like. You like a little bit of a chase?

[A]

Oh, I like the chase.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I love a chase.

[C]

So the guy was getting robbed, he kissed him. He kissed him. And so he's like, okay, I'm not gonna rob you anymore. He runs. Then the guy runs after him and kisses him again. Am I getting this right?

[B]

Kissed him again?

[A]

Yeah, kissed him again to sort of celebrate that it was over.

[B]

And you would think the guy. Well, I wonder what he's holding him up with. It doesn't say clock. It doesn't say he had a weapon or anything, so he just walked in. Give me your money. Yeah. I would kiss a robber.

[A]

I think that's wrong. I don't believe you.

[B]

I would gently kiss. Starting the lips, and then go down to a nipple.

[A]

Hey, buddy.

[B]

What?

[A]

Go ahead and do it. You okay, pal? You doing all right over there?

[B]

I'm never okay.

[A]

Yeah, things seem a little bit bad for you.

[C]

How bad was that accident on the way here?

[A]

Later today, Dave posts about his divorce. That's coming, by the way, everyone.

[B]

Yeah, we might get a divorce because she bought tickets to a play this weekend that is called Ha ha ha ha ha ha. And she goes, it's. It's. It's. I want. I don't want to tell you what it's about. And I go, no, you have to. And she goes. She helps. She solves problems for people in the audience. And I'm like, so it's not a play. It's a crazy person.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

We might get divorced.

[A]

Better than going to that, right? Yeah. Easier route.

[B]

She's like, what about we just have a night out? I go, yeah, but what about a good one?

[A]

Oh, you read this story. I need to Google this play.

[B]

Colorado Judge upholds right to get drunk in home. Yeah.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

What the hell is your home? Okay, it is. It's prohibition.

[C]

Oh. And okay, you could allow it in 27.

[A]

Yeah. It's basically where we got to with weeds eventually.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, we were just, like, just do it. I mean, obviously, we've pushed it since then, and I love it.

[B]

This is Colorado Springs, Colorado. If you live in Colorado Springs, you can get as drunk as you please, provided you stay in your own home. That, in effect, was the ruling of Judge C.W. haynes, a municipal court of municipal court in the case of C.A. glover, charged with drunkenness.

[C]

A lot of C's.

[B]

What judge at this time is not getting drunk at home? Well, they all are.

[A]

Yeah. And we came out of a. The judges used to just be in bars.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Did you know this way, way back when most court cases were in saloons for a long, long time.

[A]

It's great.

[C]

That's where you voted or something, too. And.

[B]

And so, yeah, everything happened there.

[C]

Everything's in there.

[B]

Go in there, make love to your wife, Dave. The whole business.

[A]

You need to go to this show. My king.

[B]

Okay. Say it. Well, let me finish this quote. It is a man's inalien in any right. Judge Haynes said in dismissing Glover to get as drunk as he pleases if his inclination is so misguided.

[A]

You know what?

[B]

His own home without interference of the police. If he is not committing a breach of the public.

[A]

Here's the thing. I would say it's the opt. He's like, doing it like, you should be blackout drunk at home. If he instead was just like, you should be allowed to drink in your house. That argument, it feels a lot more clear and concise to me that a guy should be able to get as drunk as he want like you should be.

[B]

Sir, I'm on your side in the. In this case. You should be able to get absolutely shit pied. Yeah.

[A]

Sending pictures of your asshole to an ex drunk.

[B]

Or yourself. Yeah.

[C]

Somebody walked past this guy's window or something in 1927 is like, I don't care for how drunk this man is in his home and calling the police.

[B]

Yeah. Somebody had to have reported him.

[A]

Yeah. He's in court, Judge.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. What's the play about?

[A]

About two hours too long. It actually has a lot of positive reviews, but I don't know what that means.

[B]

I mean, it doesn't.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I mean, I feel like they shouldn't be allowed to do plays anymore, but.

[A]

She's the breakout star of the Edinburgh Fringe. The New York Times.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Edinburgh name.

[B]

Describe it. She's a. The breakout star of the Edinburgh. French. Doesn't mean that it's good. It just.

[A]

I mean.

[B]

I mean, the Fringe is okay, but it's also like.

[A]

I don't know how I feel about talking this much about another performer.

[B]

I mean, didn't the penis guys come out of there? Puppetry of the penis. Yeah, that's not my thing either. I don't want to see guys play. If I'm gonna see guys playing with their dongs, I'm gonna go to a bathhouse, touch a fish first.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. I don't know. I think you should go to this. I really do. And I'm not just saying that. It seems like a perfect show for you and your wife to go to.

[B]

It doesn't. You're not going to describe it?

[A]

I don't know what the it is.

[B]

Oh, it doesn't say.

[A]

Not really, which is great.

[B]

That doesn't make any sense.

[A]

It's 70 minutes. No intermission.

[B]

I think 70 minutes. Okay. 70 minutes is not terrible. I was really expecting, like, two and a half hours.

[A]

It contains haze and fog.

[C]

70.

[A]

Need you no more.

[B]

I don't want to be in Hazen Fog.

[A]

Come on, be a guy. Live a little bit.

[B]

I spent enough time in haze and fog. By the way, I went to the screening last night of Pistachio Wars.

[A]

Oh, how is it?

[B]

Just Yasha Levine's documentary about the Resnicks. It's.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But really good. But it's dystopian.

[A]

That's my favorite to watch.

[B]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

Yeah, it's pretty dark stuff where I'm like, wow, we're. That was really good.

[B]

It's funny because at the end you go, oh, we don't have a water problem in California. We have a rich person problem.

[A]

Way better.

[B]

There's tons of water.

[A]

It's just rich people much rather.

[C]

Didn't they take all of the water of like central California?

[B]

Basically, yeah.

[C]

That's pretty cool.

[B]

Which is cool. I mean, they basically use the same amount of water that we use in Los Angeles a year just to grow almonds and pistachios, which are a totally, essentially useless crop in the grand scheme of things.

[C]

Unless you're on keto and then it's like a pretty good snack.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

For keto. Absolutely. 100%.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

100.

[B]

Meant to say boom, but I said beam. I don't know if anybody caught that, but I'm trying. I'm just trying to hang in the conversation.

[A]

Hey, man, you're doing a lot of out loud talking about the things that you should be thinking. FYI.

[B]

Revolver shot causes uproar in courtroom.

[A]

Court used to be awesome.

[B]

Yeah, right?

[C]

Court TV back then was. Would have been amazing.

[B]

I mean, you used to go to.

[A]

Court, you'd be like, yeah, I saw.

[B]

Shooting today in court.

[A]

Yeah. The judge was drunk, as he said. He said he called it his home.

[C]

Who shot somebody? A drunk judge brought a gun.

[A]

The man in charge of gab.

[B]

Guilty.

[A]

Hey, Judge Jerry.

[C]

Execute. Bang.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. This is.

[A]

This is why bailiffs were invented. We need someone here to just be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. That the judge will listen to.

[B]

This is out of Indiana. Accidental discharge of revolver today threw into turmoil the courtroom where Frank Mc Mike Erlane, Chicago gangster, is on trial for the killing of Thad Fancher. Yeah, I mean, he should be killed for that name.

[C]

Killed him over his name.

[B]

Thad Fancher. Yeah, Thad Fancher, Crown Point attorney. The hearing was halted for several minutes until it was discovered James McNeese, special prosecutor, who was carrying the weapon in the briefcase normal, brushed against a table in a room adjoining the courtroom, causing the revolver to go off.

[C]

Jesus Christ. So the trial Is about a mobster who killed an attorney and then another attorney's gun went off.

[A]

Yeah, it's a little on the nose.

[B]

That's how, yeah, that's, that's gonna be.

[A]

A trial for this.

[C]

I'd hate to slip to bump into a building like a, you know, like how they used to threaten each other.

[B]

Hey, fuck that table. That's what you say after your gun goes off. I don't know.

[A]

I really wanted to hear from the defense side too.

[B]

You should be in your house. Vincent McIrlane, brother of the defendant in the room at the time, had a narrow escape. So he almost got shot.

[A]

How do. But he didn't, he didn't get shot.

[B]

He had it like went by him.

[A]

Boring.

[B]

Boring part of the story. Okay, so this is interesting. So Preston, there's a story here. And then he, he said he, he, he put in a follow up that he found three weeks later, so.

[A]

Oh, that's great.

[B]

We'll have a. Yeah, a little time jump. That'll be fun.

[A]

That is good. That's good work there, presti.

[B]

3 inch measure for biscuits beats Kansas pie, Bill.

[A]

You know what? I don't think I need the follow up now that I, you know what? I, I, I kissed the Bandit too early on this one.

[C]

Gotta kiss him again on his way out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What is it? Read it again.

[A]

It's very stupid.

[B]

3 inch measure for biscuits beats Kansas pie, Bill. Okay, I, Bill and I, but I do think, I do think there should be a 3 inch regulation on biscuits.

[A]

I just, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not throwing my hat into that ring.

[B]

You like a big biscuit.

[A]

Look, you died. To each their own with Palantir. I'm not gonna say.

[B]

Topeka. The Oklahoma legislature. I love that. It's a story from Topeka about Oklahoma. Anyway.

[C]

Have no news.

[B]

The Oklahoma legislature today appears to have. Sorry. Appears to have gone Kansas one better. In the matter of culinary reform, Oklahoma wants to regulate the size of biscuits, fixing their width at three inches. It's not, it's crazy. It's not you.

[A]

Oklahoma.

[B]

Still, at some point you have to stop the size of a biscuit because at some point it's no longer a biscuit.

[A]

Very. Don't you pine for the days when this was an American issue in this country?

[C]

In the 20s in Oklahoma, they were like bombing black neighborhoods and like, and so, but like, and this is what they were doing, like the state legislature. Should we stop this from them from burning down neighborhoods with planes? No, we gotta regulate biscuits.

[A]

Many houses had to like close their windows because of dust.

[B]

Oh, yeah, there's dust, there's race riots, there's. Yeah, biscuits.

[C]

Killers of the flower moon was in Oklahoma like during this time.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just killing all of the rich native Americans.

[A]

A biscuit is a biscuit. It's like abortion back then.

[B]

What are we gonna do?

[A]

About the size of 4 inches. It's a cake.

[B]

The hell it is. Jackson.

[A]

Biscuits can be whatever. Biscuits can be whatever.

[B]

Who the. What the hell is this?

[A]

I'm just saying I think it could be as big as it wants to be. Shut up, Patty. Not now.

[C]

British person called a cookie and biscuit. They're like, that's not what it is.

[B]

That is very serious.

[A]

You got people eating back ALLEY Biscuits.

[B]

Biscuits.

[A]

15 inch biscuits. Going into biscuit basement clubs.

[B]

Hey, buddy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Come here, man. You want a biscuit?

[A]

That's a little big, isn't it?

[B]

I mean, you know, welcome to the back alley. We make them big out here.

[A]

Hey, freeze. Are you guys eating big biscuits?

[B]

No, these are cakes.

[A]

They better be referred to as such.

[B]

A copy of a bill setting out a reform in the size of biscuits was received here today from Oklahoma City.

[A]

You imagine receiving that like this is an act of war.

[B]

What are we going to do? Kansas is urged to join in the uplift movement. The uplift movement.

[A]

I'm out.

[B]

If the 3 inch wide biscuit reform is good for Oklahoma, the sponsors of the bill believe Kansas ought to it out too. You want to have a standard. You want to have a standard.

[A]

That's like when someone gives up drinking and they're like, you should.

[B]

Well, if you're gonna have biscuits crossing state lines, you want to have. You want to have a standard biscuit size. Because if you bring a, a 4 inch biscuit from Kansas into Oklahoma now, what is it?

[A]

You know, I, I don't. It's like that Kentucky used a lot of words, but I'm not. No.

[B]

So Senator James W. Finley of Chanute, who recently championed the abolition of mince pie.

[A]

Oh, my. Well, by the way, by the way, by the way, I'm kind of with them. I'm listening to this guy a little more than I was before.

[B]

Go ahead. About the mince pie.

[A]

They are suck. They do suck. They are the worst. My grandma, when I was growing like in England, my English grandma, you would think that she would like Brewster's Millions mince pie. Every. Like you would be like, nobody wants 800 of the like you people. The pressure from the family. And every time I'd eat it it was just like an undercooked apple puke. It'll just be like, that's really good. Excuse me while I go eat like, chocolate.

[B]

She was a great kisser, though.

[A]

What's your deal? She passed away.

[B]

It's just not. I feel like people. More people should say that about other people's grandmothers.

[A]

I think you're way out of line. You are way out.

[B]

It's a compliment.

[A]

I'm Oklahoma. You're candid.

[B]

Did she, like, kiss your cheek off?

[A]

You leave, Joan. No. Mike. No.

[C]

Was it a good kiss when she did it, though?

[A]

Mike, you're better. You do not.

[B]

He's asking a genuine question.

[A]

Do not go to Dave's level. You don't want this.

[B]

I think you do. I think we all do. No.

[A]

Shut up.

[C]

So when she kissed you, it wasn't. It wasn't good? When she kissed you, it was as.

[B]

Bad as she kissed me? A lot better. I mean, when. When we kissed, it was.

[A]

Shut up.

[B]

It was tongue, so I doubt he.

[A]

You're not allowed to do grandma stuff. That's not a lot. Mom stuff is borderline. Can't go Grandma. Leave Nan alone.

[C]

Grandma's next level.

[A]

Grandma's real weird.

[B]

Who recently championed the abolition of mince pie.

[A]

I kissed your son.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I think you just admitted to a crime.

[A]

Yeah, I think I did. Yeah.

[B]

I was just. I was just talking about consenting adult stuff.

[A]

When he's 18, I'm gonna bang your boy. Got him.

[C]

That's a condom.

[A]

Got him.

[B]

No, he's a top.

[A]

Great. What do I care? Well, as long as we're doing it, I'm involved.

[B]

The abolition of mince pie has been asked. Oh, sorry. The center. So Senator James W. Finley of Chinute, who recently championed the abolition of mince pie, has been asked to study the O. Oklahoma Biscuit Reform Bill and make a report.

[C]

So, wait, so they're like, I don't know.

[B]

You dealt with.

[C]

You dealt with this pie. You got opinions about this? Like, this is what his field was.

[A]

Say that again. Mike, we lost you. Say that again.

[C]

Oh, sorry, Sorry, sorry. They. He championed the abolition of the mince pie. So they were like, this falls on your desk, sir. This is like your. This is your area of expertise.

[A]

You're the pastry psycho.

[B]

You know about foods.

[A]

Also that he was probably like, we need to abolish. And everyone's like, finally. And he's like, min Pie. Christ.

[C]

He has no teeth from cavities. That's why he hates it.

[A]

That's his origin story.

[C]

And Chocolate's next.

[A]

No plight is bigger.

[B]

He was probably a big boy. I bet. I bet he. Well, that guy. That guy handles food stuff.

[C]

He's miss. He's missing a foot or two.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

A biscuit ends at three inches. Now someone roll me over to that area.

[B]

Okay, so. So this is a couple weeks later in the New York Times. What is a biscuit?

[A]

Legislators ask the fucking New York Times.

[B]

Having disposed of minor problems of state, the Oklahoma legislature comes to the momentous question, what is a biscuit? One legislator. Which is a conversation we just had.

[A]

Yeah, it was a nightmare.

[B]

One legislative legislator believes the biscuits are biscuits only when they measure at least 3 inches in diamond.

[A]

It's fucking abortion. At least we're dealing with. Like, when is a baby a baby?

[B]

He's saying that it can't be smaller than three inches. This guy. He's saying a biscuit has to be over 3 inches.

[A]

Also wrong.

[B]

And has an inch introduced to bill. Well, to that effect. This causes Kansas to chuckle. And of course, like, who was not going to laugh at that? A few years ago, Kansas started this kind of legislation by requiring that hotels and rooming houses, bed sheets be not less than nine feet. This law was a target for ridicule, but it stands and has been copied in other states that.

[A]

I get that I get too short.

[B]

You can't short sheet, motherfuckers. If you're paying for a room. I want to pull sheets.

[A]

Five towels. Enjoy. You're not a hotel.

[C]

Okay, so who's making that logic is like, okay, somebody ordered a biscuit and they get. We're given like a tiny biscuit. And then they were like, this ain't no biscuit. Okay, yeah, now I'm. Yeah, I. I am as well.

[A]

And now I'm picturing the big obese senator making the point so much better. That is not a biscuit. That's a potato chip. That's a role.

[B]

This. The. The sheet law was a target for ridicule, but it still stands and has been copied in other states. A noted, noted Middle Western man.

[A]

Nice. Better way.

[B]

Go back to that. Should we go back? Should we bring it back?

[A]

Middle Western, like how Tolkien would describe Wisconsin Middle Western.

[B]

A noted Middle Western man was once asked at dinner if he would have another biscuit. He glanced scornfully at the diminutive tea biscuits and said, quote, yes, I believe I will have another half dozen of these.

[A]

That's such a Midwest thing.

[B]

Yeah, it is. Such alleged biscuits. It is such alleged biscuits that the Oklahoma legislator legislature would compel to Take another name. The Oklahoma legislature. God, I can't read. Today the Oklahoma legislators recalled that they had grandmothers who made real biscuits. And they longed to preserve for their children's children an old and honorable institution. And they were good kissers.

[A]

No. What they called kiss kits. Little cheek biscuit. Give him a kiss kit.

[C]

You know.

[A]

Okay, I'm gonna be honest with you.

[C]

Three inches.

[A]

I'm starting to get it a little bit. I think if you go to a restaurant, you want to be able to go within reason that you're ordering something with some consistency.

[B]

This is. This is. This all leads to a super big gulp.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, eventually.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It leads to. Mike. Was my Bloomberg being like, now.

[B]

You.

[A]

Can have two big sodas but not one huge cool.

[C]

Mike. I. Middle Western fatty. Kind of did like a. That's not a knife. This is a knife. Like, to the biscuit. Yeah, I'm with it.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I'm in favor. Don't. Little biscuit. My Middle Westerns.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I think that is. That's pretty much. But I do. I have a. I have a better understanding now. I again, I do pine for the era where, like, senators were like, this is huge. This all leads us to. I'm going to sound like this all leads to Trump. This is why we got Trump.

[B]

I think that there should be more fights over the size of food.

[A]

I. I think. I do believe we're having that fight right now. Would snap.

[B]

I guess they are. To the death. Monkey proves smarter than German scientist. Take that, Germany.

[A]

Yeah, I really. We should. We could blame this monkey for two world wars.

[B]

Yep. Is that a London one?

[A]

Really?

[B]

British scientists are chuckling over a Berlin monkey intelligence test where the monkey demonstrated greater intelligence than its human instructor. Okay, that seems like it backfired.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The German inserted a banana in a tube. I've done that in the presence of a monkey. Well, that's just asking for trouble.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then poked it out of the tube with a stick. He repeated. This isn't. This is not science. This is just a guy having fun with a monkey.

[A]

By the way, we're debating biscuit size. Germany's doing way better stuff.

[B]

This is 100% what I'm doing with my monkey. Like, this is the kind of games we get up to.

[A]

Yeah. Y. Yeah. Banana tubing. Banana tube. Without question. By the way, if you had a monkey and you had a tube, you'd be like, I'm gonna figure out a game with this little guy. Hey, buddy, you want to get it out of the tube? He'd be trying to get it out of the tube. He'd be like, it's pretty cool, huh? Get it out of that tube, dude.

[C]

If you have a monkey, a tube, and a stick, you're going to come up with games to play.

[A]

Yes, Merlin, MacGyver.

[B]

He repeated this operation 20 or 30 times. And the monkey all the while watching the operation gently. How up is his banana after 30 times?

[A]

Yeah, he a upy. Yeah, no doubt.

[B]

Or you're just horribly wasting bananas.

[A]

If you got a monkey, you got a banana budget.

[B]

But if you're putting. If you're putting a banana into a tube and then pushing it out, what are you doing with it after? Are you just taking it again and doing it again? Is the, is the, is it squishing in? I don't know, sliding?

[A]

I wonder if it's peeled or not.

[B]

It's got to be peeled.

[A]

I feel like it would be.

[B]

Oh, maybe so. So a big ass tube and then it's. It's a full banana in. It's called a sheath, right?

[A]

Yes, it's a. Yes, it's a banana sheath.

[B]

Sheath. Yeah, it's banana still sheathed and. Okay, well, that would make a little more sense than a.

[A]

Either way, should we just be happy for this guy to have a monkey?

[B]

Yeah, the monkey all the while watching the operation intently. Finally, the German left the tube with the banana inside of it and the stick alongside and retired from the room to watch the monkey's action through a peephole.

[A]

This dude is honestly, this is what I'm doing. He's not doing great.

[B]

This is what I'm doing. My monkey for sure. Like, I get this.

[C]

I mean, if you have a peephole and a monkey, you got to look through the peephole at the monkey. Like, I get it all makes sense.

[A]

Which comes first, the monkey, banana tube, or the peephole?

[B]

I'm not getting a monkey until I have a peephole.

[A]

Well, you know that like, in his head he was like, but if I had the peephole. Then he was like, well, shit, now we're on a slippery slope. Like, I am a scientist to stop me from. Yeah. Now it's like, maybe I'll teach it to identify blue eyes. The sky's the limit with this one.

[C]

Maybe it'll know which one should not have babies. You know which.

[A]

Which one of these is a biscuit and which one is a roll. That's right.

[B]

Directly the coast was clear. The what? Yeah, directly the coast was clear. The monkey picked up the tube, inserted it upside down. And gave it one vigorous shake. The banana tumbled out immediately, and the monkey calmly proceeded to peel it and eat it with evident satisfaction.

[A]

It was not peeled.

[B]

Killed.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

His operation had been simpler and quicker than the scientists. Okay. So he was like, look, you push it through with a stick, and the monkey's like, why don't I just turn it sideways and have it drop out? Idiot.

[A]

And then a reporter was like, this can't go unwritten about.

[C]

Wait, so this is 1927 Germany. That means that there's, like, 25 unemployment right now in Germany. And this guy's pushing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Pushing bananas through tubes.

[B]

Right? Yeah. This is. This is a story that gets in the paper. Like, what the Are we doing?

[A]

It's pretty, but. But. But again, I mean, the Germans are on the precipice of. Really.

[B]

They're gonna put some stuff together.

[C]

They don't take this well.

[A]

I guarantee you this guy was working on, like, poison gases in 10 years.

[B]

Yeah. He's got the monkey to figure out how to kill people.

[C]

Can you do something, Anything else? And he's like, I could do gases.

[A]

Yeah. You know, I have a peephole and some tubes.

[B]

Burglar bites victims and dives out window. So.

[A]

So, okay, we have bandits getting kissed. Yeah. And now burglars are okay.

[B]

What else are you gonna do? You're in there. There's someone. Not someone unbitten. What are you gonna do?

[A]

I like a biting burglar.

[C]

This is all leaving teeth marks.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. This is a good question.

[A]

That. It's upsetting.

[C]

I'm not happy about this at all.

[A]

You know when you're like. You'll be on, like, YouTube, like, watching something, and then you'll be like, actually, I want to watch this instead. That's this. With the paper. I'd be like this. Jim, what the. This burglar's biting people biscuits. That ain't a biscuit.

[B]

Leaving teeth marks on the arms of his intended victims as the only clue to his identity. A burglar last night escaped from a room with 1,000. Oh. At 1001 East 12th street by plunging head first through a window.

[A]

Well, he's not.

[B]

I mean, you gotta go.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. I feel like I got notes. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, this guy.

[B]

You could door it, but if you're gonna window it, do it.

[A]

Kick it, kick it, then do it.

[B]

One. One foot out. It's a window you go through. Head first. You go hard.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Harry diamond and Floyd Wellborn, occupants of the room.

[A]

Yep. That's Right.

[C]

The best names.

[A]

A lot of people talk about the Hope diamond, but have you heard of the Hairy Diamond? A bunch of pubes on a rock.

[B]

Nobody wants that one.

[A]

How are you? That's a man. How are you?

[B]

Hey, you guys like diamonds?

[A]

Yeah, I'm worth a lot.

[C]

You know how hard diamonds are supposed to be?

[A]

There you go. Yeah.

[B]

Harry diamond and Floyd Wellborn. Occupants of the room were aroused from sleep by the entrance.

[A]

I love aroused from sleep. I woke up jacking off again by.

[B]

The entrance of the burglar through a transom.

[A]

That's. Yeah, that's where you put a. Like someone you're holding ransom in a trance.

[B]

What is a transom?

[A]

The transom.

[B]

Now we gotta look it up because these are old timey words that, you know, people don't really understand anymore because they're stupid. We stop using words when they become dumb. Right.

[A]

I'm not really listening to you. I can tell Mike isn't either.

[B]

I'm back.

[A]

Hey.

[B]

Transom is a horizontal beam or window above a door or other opening in architecture. Okay. So it's that little window above doors.

[C]

So you gotta dive through it.

[A]

Yeah, it's. It's the diving part of the door. If anything, who.

[B]

I mean, they left it open, right? Probably because it was hot or something. But who decides to go through that little slot of window?

[A]

Someone who's very capable gymnast.

[B]

Skinny little.

[A]

Yeah, he's like the guy in Ocean's Eleven.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Dive sideways when.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. When they.

[A]

I mean, I'd be like, let him go. I mean, that guy. What the just happened. That was like a spirit leaving a room.

[B]

I love your trip bricks.

[A]

He.

[C]

Does anybody have any clues? He bit me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Got his teeth. But then he sort of flew. Like the breeze took him out.

[C]

We got to look through records of everybody.

[A]

I believe he was a gas with teeth.

[B]

That's kind of what I am sometimes that I.

[A]

Having just gone on tour with you. Absolutely true, true.

[B]

When they grappled with the intruder, he snapped at both of them, biting them on their arms and escaped empty handed. Great. The injuries were treated at General Hospital.

[A]

So he just bit people twice for nothing?

[B]

Hey, it. It all worked. I mean, he didn't get his.

[A]

I don't think it did. Well, that's a big problem.

[B]

He has a fantastic entry and escape plan.

[A]

Yeah, but he. The whole point was to get stuff.

[B]

Yeah, but still, if you're not caught, it's a successful burglary.

[A]

Don't agree with.

[C]

That is a good question. Is it successful if you get Away with nothing.

[A]

I think we. I believe the answer is very clear.

[B]

What if it's about the rush?

[A]

Then it's. Then you're. Then it's weird. What you're doing is weird.

[C]

You're just there.

[A]

You're just going into a bank with a mask and a gun. Oh, my God. Put it in a bag.

[B]

No, I'm fine. No, don't worry about it.

[A]

He's a little scared, though. Yeah, he's freaking out.

[B]

Huh?

[C]

Got a little rise out of you.

[B]

I'm.

[A]

I'm independently wealthy.

[B]

I'm gonna think about this.

[A]

It's Tom Cruise. This is all I can do anymore.

[C]

That guy, that old guy in the jinx would rob grocery stores and he.

[A]

Had a lot of money.

[B]

Yeah, I never saw the Jinx.

[A]

Oh, buddy.

[B]

Is it about Jinx?

[C]

Rich guy who murders.

[B]

It's a documentary, right?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah. And he would rob. Go to grow. He'd pickpocket grocery stores even though he was like a multi millionaire there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They wouldn't own a rider.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Rock in there. Steel.

[B]

So he also really was into dating rock stars.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And was in Stranger Things.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And he's great in it.

[B]

Yeah. Railroad fireman's wife sent to jail for beating mate this out of Oakland because she beat up her hu. And beat up is in quotation marks because she beat up her husband, a railroad fireman. Miss Ethel Hatchin must serve 30 days in jail. Raymond Patchen, the husband, was beaten by Ms. Patchen, who weighs 155 pounds. They're really.

[C]

They're just talking all kinds of.

[B]

Yeah. This is like someone. Yeah. When he objected to another man paying attention to her. Patchen suffered black eyes, bruises, and the loss of several teeth. He told the court.

[C]

She does freak you out.

[A]

We hear a lot of that really rocks.

[B]

Because do you know. Do you know the beating you have to inflict on someone for teeth to come out? Like it's not a punch. It's like the guy's on the ground and you're repeatedly throwing blows at him like it's a beating.

[A]

That's interesting.

[B]

Here, I'll show you.

[A]

No, no, no. There's been bites, there's been gunshots, kisses. I've. I've been around you. When we've talked about brutal murders. This teeth, they're. They got you.

[B]

Well, I just can't believe that. That a beat like you.

[A]

Like they could have been British and then you just need to shake them a little bit.

[B]

Scottish would make more sense.

[A]

Hey, no, no. Gosh. They're all gone. Careful. It's like moving a piano.

[B]

Mike, has your wife ever beaten you until teeth come out?

[C]

Never. She also doesn't weigh 155, but you know.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

We'll be right back. The Almost Dollop will be right back.

[B]

Thieving wife gets six months.

[A]

Yeah, it'll teach you.

[B]

Ms. Florence K. Convicted of stealing husband's.

[A]

Careful. Easy does it. Now. Let's call her Mrs. Seward.

[B]

Convicted of stealing husband's clothes.

[A]

Six months for stealing her husband's clothes.

[B]

Well, did she take all of them?

[A]

Well, this is also when if he wore pants, they were like. Way to go. The war on Men continues.

[B]

Ms. Florence Kuntz. Guilty. Found guilty. It says several days ago, but I bet that means. Supposed to mean several.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Several days ago for stealing her husband's clothing, motor car and diamond ring today. Okay, like, how do you not.

[A]

Like six pairs of socks missing. Also a car in a mansion.

[B]

And diamond ring was today sentenced to six months in jail by Judge Hutchings of the Wyandotte County District Court. Ms. Kuntz said she would appeal the sentence.

[A]

All right. I'm a Ms. Cunts. You go to jail, it's Coots. Mrs. Cunts. You just take a man.

[B]

Your Honor, please.

[A]

You take a man's pants and expect him or not, you're going to the slammer, lady. We'll see. You're gonna be saying cunts where the sun don't shine.

[B]

Hey, are we talking. So just for the pants?

[A]

Yeah, this Pants related. Diamonds are a very ubiquitous item. And the car. Anyone could get a car. But this cons took his pants.

[B]

No, it's coons. Yeah.

[A]

All right. Six months. Where's the hammer?

[C]

Will you spell her name for me?

[A]

Slowly.

[B]

K, O, O, N, T, Z. Yep.

[C]

That'S the exact swear word.

[A]

And what happens when she falls in a pool?

[B]

It's C U, N, T, Z. Is that. Did I get this?

[A]

I think we've really clicked into something for me. I don't know anyone else. Getting those turkey done nipples. Freeze. I've made a couple diamonds on my chest. Oh, hello.

[B]

Can you never say turkey D nipples again?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

That's a lock. I will. That is a promise. You got it, buddy.

[B]

Youth makes poison, but suicide fails. What a loser you makes.

[A]

Jesus. You imagine making your own poison and then drinking enough to not die.

[B]

I got diarrhea.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

This is out of Budapest, so we're really. We're really stretching for news at this point.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Drinking a mixture of tobacco and heads of Matches soaked, boiled in water. He's like this one that boiled in water. What the is that?

[A]

I don't know. We don't have Internet. So what. How do you make poison? I don't know. Where does it come from? Tobacco, I think.

[C]

And fire kills you make fire.

[A]

Boil again.

[B]

There was the method of suicide tried without success by Ermie Repus, a baker's apprentice.

[A]

In this city, if he's a baker's apprentice, you come up and your son's cooking that. You're like, he is not listening. Listening to the bakery that smells like. What do you expect?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's just really. I mean, busy teaching him. If he had matches floating in whatever. It's soup he's making in there.

[B]

Rapis was found wandering about the streets in a dazed condition. When he had recovered from his stupor, he explained that he became tired of living but did not have enough money to buy poison, so he concocted his own.

[A]

This is the saddest, best story I've heard in a while.

[B]

It's not great.

[A]

Admitting to it is strange to, like, I would just be like, well, I won't tell anyone about my wrong poison. Now you're in the paper.

[C]

That is funny.

[A]

Like, he.

[C]

He admitted to, like, this is a cry for help, really, because he's, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, it is. That's.

[B]

This seems like he knew it was going to kill him, but that people would feel bad for him.

[A]

He might not have even made it. He might have just been like, by the way, yesterday, I tried to make a post. Poison.

[C]

This is a terrible way to ask for money, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or maybe. Maybe some lady read it. She. She was like, oh, he sounds sweet.

[A]

Or maybe there was a, like, a note, and it was just like. I know you're probably wondering, how did I know to make the perfect poison? And then. Did you do anything? He's like, no, but I been in my pain. I've really been all day.

[B]

I made a diarrhea concoction. Yeah.

[A]

So the good news is I finally invented a way to get diarrhea quick.

[B]

Making resonance.

[A]

The guy who came up with laxatives when he discovered that was probably like, nobody's gonna want.

[B]

Yeah. What the have I done?

[A]

What am I get. Nobody's gonna need this.

[B]

Making resident.

[A]

I made in juice.

[B]

Cholera.

[A]

Yeah. Get some juice.

[B]

Making resident marries for third time at 93. Again, this is not a story. Missouri.

[A]

No.

[B]

Macon, Missouri. A marriage license was issued. Is Mo's, Missouri, right?

[A]

Mo's, Missouri.

[B]

A marriage license was issued today to Pa or it could be.

[A]

Could be Montana.

[B]

It could be Montana. That's a nice thing.

[A]

I think Missouri's. Yeah, Mississippi would be MI.

[C]

I think that's right.

[B]

Mississippi's MI.

[A]

So, yeah, MO's MO what's happening right now, Mike, from our experience is someone's in Reddit talking about how dumb we are right now.

[B]

Someone just posted in Reddit because od, enough. We don't know everything. It's very weird. I don't know how we got like this.

[A]

Montana's M.O. you idiot.

[B]

You. The. This is why I don't listen to these idiots.

[A]

This whole podcast was 2 idiots doing a front for a Helix ad.

[B]

I don't even know what MO is. It's MO.

[A]

Anyway, MO.

[B]

A marriage license was issued today to Pa Gibson, 93 years old, and Ms. Mary A. Hale. Okay, you. For not putting her age in here. Yeah, right.

[A]

15. What's her address and bra size?

[B]

15. Yeah. Oh, what a creepy happy couple. Ms. Gibson. Mr. Gibson is.

[A]

Boy, they're a real weird couple. He's a grown man and she's not at all an adult. That was like back then. Well, everyone's talking about this summer. Autumn couple.

[B]

Mr. Gibson is the oldest male resident of the county. His father, Robert Gibson, used. Whoa. Lived to be 119 years old. What the. That's crazy. No, they had to have been like skipping a year or something.

[A]

They were like asking him. He was like 73 with horrible dementia. I'm 119. My God.

[B]

Ms. Hale is the mother of C.F. hale, an attorney of Breviere. She has been a housekeeper for Mr. Gibson. Mr. Gibson's second wife died about a year ago.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

So she's smart. She's moving in. She's going to get the inheritance.

[A]

Yeah, she's in. It's Smithing.

[B]

Yeah, she's very. Yeah, good call. She's.

[A]

Yeah, agreed.

[B]

She's moving up. Good for her.

[C]

I. At first I thought the story was going to be there was a scandal he was married three times. But they're mostly just like, this guy's old. Why won't he just die? That's the story. Because he's 93.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The story should be, why isn't this guy dying?

[A]

Continuing to get married. Just die. So weird.

[B]

14 year old farm boy seeks right to wed divorcee.

[A]

This.

[B]

Here we go.

[A]

This I like.

[B]

This is.

[A]

I don't know why this boy. It is not good. But if it's a boy, I'm like this kid.

[B]

Yeah. Remember the lady in like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I want to Say it's, I want to say Washington state and she had an affair with her student. Yeah. And they had two kids and she went to jail. And when they got out, they still stayed together.

[A]

Well, now they're divorced.

[B]

They are divorced. Yeah. Well, I really thought that would work out.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Letourno.

[A]

Mary Kay Letourno, I believe.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Wow. Yeah. That's crazy. That's really sad to hear. They didn't make it.

[A]

No.

[B]

It's weird because when you, when you date a boy. Yeah. And then, you know, they, they start to change when they hit like 20.

[A]

Well, it's also like she got out of jail. Like, he must. You know what it's like when you're like in a relationship where you're like, this not good. Like she was in jail and he was like, I can't do it now. Like his life was like, well, now I can't do it. Yeah, now she's out. Well, she's pregnant now. She said he was like 30. It was like, you know, honestly, this is been bad. I was like 13. I didn't know what was coming out of my penis.

[B]

Looking back, you raped me, so I just feel odd about this.

[A]

Yeah. But every dude, I was like his age when that happened and I was like, awesome, 100%.

[B]

When you're, when you're a kid, you can. You hear those stories. You're like, yeah, the teacher, I got some fantasies about teachers and then now.

[A]

They really are banging the kids.

[B]

Yeah, it's really taking off.

[A]

Now they're really banging the kids. Really? Every time that happened, every time it happens to like a boy, like a 15 year old, I just literally have to like bite my tongue. I'm just like, look, I'm, I'm not saying it's right at all, but I'm telling you, me at 15, this would have been, you know, penis Christmas.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No one was mad. Yes. No, it's like, like, you know, it's like, like people. You had to be like, it's for sure. It's disgusting. But honestly, you know, he was probably pretty happy. Honestly, I can't even tell you the, the level of hormones that are going.

[B]

On in your body is just all they're thinking about is teacher again, we.

[A]

Shouldn'T be talking about.

[B]

I know. No, it's totally, it's. That's so wrong. We're literally saying if we were 15 year old boys and a teacher won't have sex.

[A]

I was just saying if I was 15 and my teacher banged me, I would be like, I would like Literally be in the police like station, like leave her alone.

[B]

But yeah, what we're saying is she, she shouldn't do it. But we are saying 15 year old boys.

[A]

Yes, that's exactly the nuance. Yes, yes, it's wrong to do it. But I've seen some of these teachers and I just think me at 15. Sweet mother of God, 100 damaged woman. You know what else? Here's what's great. Now they're arrested than them. So it's like not only are you banging your teacher, then you're like, she's gone. And everyone's like, feels bad for me. This is awesome.

[B]

The thing, the thing that's crazy to me is like when the woman has like a husband and kids.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[B]

And you're just like, what are you doing?

[A]

Oh, yes, she's crazy.

[B]

How did you think this would go?

[A]

Oh, being the husband, you're like, wait, what happened? Wait, what? Huh?

[B]

It's really, it's. Yeah, you'd have you if you're the husband, you're like, I guess I'm moving across the country.

[A]

I would just be. Well, I'd certainly be homeschooling. You're not going there. It's a bride.

[C]

Start making tobacco and matches juice to try to get out of the situation.

[A]

Just dead as diarrhea again. Give me more matches.

[B]

Okay. Prospective bride is 27 and main village dad's block match. Is that a main. Obviously their matrimonial plans bached blocked by town officials. A 14 year old farmhand.

[A]

And I'm ready.

[B]

27 year old.

[A]

When you know, you know.

[B]

27 year old divorcee. Expect to start legal action here with a view of wedlock.

[A]

We're in love with each other.

[B]

So this does happen usually with women in their 20s.

[A]

I've been single for a long time.

[B]

It usually doesn't happen with like a, like an older teacher, older woman, like 45, 50. It's usually a 20 year old old.

[A]

Well, sure. I don't know.

[B]

Lety Foster, town clerk refused to issue a marriage license to Willie.

[A]

Tried to legally get it done. All right. And will you just sign off on this, please? Whenever you're ready. This is my husband and I. How are you, ma'? Am?

[B]

Can I see your pubes? Do you have pubes?

[A]

I do not have pubes now.

[B]

Okay. I can't do this. We can't do this. This is insane. We can't allow this.

[A]

When I yank on it, nothing comes out. But I feel it.

[B]

I'm not there. Has to come out.

[A]

Just sign right There so me and my wife can get out of here.

[B]

My God, you're a child.

[A]

Yeah. You have anything to step on? Eye contact would probably help.

[B]

Letty Foster, town clerk, refused to issue a marriage license to Willie Buzzell, husky farm worker. Husky.

[A]

Toss his body under the bus.

[C]

What a description.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

He's 14. The husky.

[B]

This poor guy read.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, reading this in the paper, you're like, what? A minute ago you're like, the kids like, you know, and now you're getting be called a husky farm worker.

[A]

It does hurt.

[B]

It's not good. And the woman of his choice, Ms. Thelma Tibbets, mother of a five year old child.

[A]

Oh, my God. That's hysteric.

[B]

Nine years older.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

This is my nine year older stepdad.

[A]

Yeah, well, I'll play with the train if you don't want to.

[B]

Kanan Slickman affirmed the ruling. Willie's parents, Mr. And Mrs. Les Lyle. No. Leslie Buzzel, have approved their young son's marriage plans. But even that the selectman said would not cause them to reverse their decision. So the parents were okay with it?

[A]

Yeah, that's. Those might be the bigger villains.

[C]

They don't want to feed him anymore.

[B]

Not good.

[A]

Yeah, they're like, go ahead, boy.

[B]

I don't know. What do you do?

[A]

Keeps eating.

[B]

I don't know what I do. So Finn. Finn's 14 and he's. He's. He's with a 20. What the do you do?

[A]

Because what do you do? You're like, absolutely not.

[B]

Yeah, but like, how do you. How do you do? Absolutely not. Lock them in the house. Like, it's hard to keep people apart if they want to.

[A]

I think you lock them in the house.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I genuinely think you're out.

[B]

I literally. I would think I'd be like, we gotta move. Like, that's all I can think of is like, get the out of there.

[A]

Yeah, but then you can't. You send him to school every day.

[B]

Be like, maybe I kill her.

[A]

Okay, well, we'll be right back. Thank you.

[B]

We do not believe the marriage of proper one. Oh, sorry. We do not believe the marriage a proper one. And we believe that we. Sorry. This. He like, cut off part of this.

[A]

Preston, you're in so much trouble.

[B]

Well, I don't know. I can't read it. Are justified in holding up the marriage of this boy to this woman declared Horace Bean chairman.

[A]

And do you woman, take this tiny boy.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

To be your little husband?

[B]

Yes. I love him. He's so small.

[A]

I'm ready it is.

[B]

No.

[A]

I need a grounding force.

[B]

It's no reflection.

[A]

I'm everything.

[B]

Jesus Christ, shut up.

[A]

A heartbeat and a hole I'm in.

[B]

What the is wrong with you?

[A]

I'm telling you.

[B]

How did you get to be such a little creepy Le at 14, I'm big. You're husky.

[A]

I'm husky.

[B]

People are calling you husky.

[A]

I'm built like a linebacker.

[B]

It is no reflection on anyone that we have done this. But it was held up and refused on account of young Willie Buzzel's age.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

The selectman said they expected to succeed in playing the marriage until a bill now before the main legislature is passed. This bill would prohibit the marriage of anyone under 14 years of age without consent. So it's legal right now? This is a legal.

[A]

Also, if you're gonna make a law, you could go higher than 14. That's it. You got to be over 14 to get married.

[B]

Okay? So just to the rest of the. My fellow legislators, I would just like to say that when and when they hit 16, they are just wonderful.

[A]

And if we're going to pass this law, let's slip in my biscuit legislation, because I tell you what, okay? This goddamn waitress, she brought over what looked like raw dough, okay? I said, that's not a biscuit. And she said, what are you going to do? Pass a law? And I said, yes. And that was four years ago in my life. Life is fading.

[B]

Okay, I will agree.

[A]

When is a boy a man? When is a biscuit a biscuit?

[B]

Yes. Thank you, sir. And I think that we are seeing things eye to eye, and we should pass these two bills. I tell you, 16 is the right age.

[A]

I rule on it for you both guilty of that.

[B]

Welcome to creepy legislators.

[A]

He's got a gun. Callbacks, Everyone down.

[B]

Oh, it says she first met Willie when she went to his parents home to work.

[A]

God damn. I mean, he was probably like, I can't believe she's about to me.

[B]

Yeah, they. They must have been having a fun time before this whole marriage thing came up.

[A]

Well, that's it, Mike.

[B]

You're out.

[A]

You did it.

[C]

Thank you. Thank you for having me.

[A]

Can you believe it?

[C]

I had a good time.

[B]

Your book sounds very good. And it does. It does sound like something Dollop fans would be.

[A]

Oh, my God. God.

[B]

I'm actually thinking I should get it. Maybe do a dollop.

[A]

Oh, that's great.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yes, do that. And we can have Mike on.

[C]

Yeah, I would love to.

[A]

What, should people just put it in the search engine? Mike, is that the best way to do it?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Kansas City Comedy in the search engine. Mike Briden is my name. If you can't find it. Yeah.

[A]

H. Well, Mike, it's been a goddamn honor and a pleasure. I just. Just can't tell you how good the book sounds, so people should just go get it. We'll put this out soon and. And, yeah, we'll do a dollop on it. Or you know what? Mike could do the dollop on it for us. We could do a flippy. I don't know.

[B]

You can read it to us.

[A]

Do, like, a special Past times.

[B]

Do that in the studio at atc maybe.

[A]

Yeah, that'd be cool.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you want to. If not, if you want to keep the magic preserved.

[C]

So whatever you guys want, I'm happy to do. Do it.

[A]

I think we're trying to help you, Mike. So don't do the thing where you're like, I'm doing you a. Like, we're doing you the favor, buddy.

[C]

I got to make a thing.

[A]

We're doing you the favor.

[C]

It got to sound like your idea.

[A]

I get it. I love that. All right, Mike. Thank you very much, man. Appreciate it. What's up, doll heads? Just a reminder, always throw those doll heads on stage. We love them. Hey, Gareth Reynolds here. I will be at Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale, California, November 26th through November 8th. I'll be at the Omaha Funny Bone the 28th and 29th of November. Then I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia, on December 2nd. Seattle, December 3rd, and Eugene, December 4th. Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.