151 - The Past Times with Jenny Tian

Summary

The Dollop - The Past Times with Jenny Tian (Episode 151)

Date: November 14, 2025
Hosts: Dave Anthony, Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Jenny Tian

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Main Theme and Overview

In this episode of The Dollop’s spin-off The Past Times, comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by stand-up Jenny Tian. Together, they explore quirky, bizarre, and sometimes disturbing stories from an 1891 edition of the Kootenai Herald, letting the oddities and attitudes of the past spark freewheeling banter. With Jenny having just moved from Australia to New York, the trio riff on cultural differences and indulge in the surreal humor that naturally bubbles up when reading old headlines involving "Fat Men's Associations," cheese obsessions, live animal mishaps, dangerous cocaine science, and even, disturbingly, a hair-filled coffin.

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Episode Highlights & Key Discussion Points

1. Jenny Tian’s Comedy Tour and Life Changes

• Jenny discusses her move to New York and upcoming Australian festival tour (Sydney Opera House, various comedy festivals) ([01:19]).
• Banter on the contrast between performing at world-renowned venues and then in makeshift tents at festivals like Adelaide Fringe.
  • "I'm doing Opera House in the most regal, beautiful theater… and then I'm going straight into a tent for two weeks." – Jenny ([02:17])
• Hosts joke about Adelaide’s giant bats and festival chaos, poking fun at Australian stereotypes ([03:00 – 05:00]).

2. Guess the Year & Newspaper Reveal

• Jenny and Gareth guess the year of the newspaper; Dave reveals it’s October 24, 1891 ([05:44]).
• The paper’s name, Kootenai Herald, is met with confusion and jokes about American regional pronunciations ([06:31]).

3. Fat Man’s Association ([07:00])

• Headline prompts discussion of historic Fat Men’s clubs:
  • “Fat guys would get together... all over the country.” – Dave ([07:05])
  • Membership required weighing at least 225 lbs and initiation fee was a cent per pound.
• Gareth recounts the "pay what you weigh" restaurant The Ground Round, reminiscing about childhood and American food culture ([07:48 – 09:45]).

4. Everything Into Cheese ([10:20])

• Wisconsin's cheese obsession is compared to Italian dairy habits.
• Cheese Curds Explained: Gareth and Dave extol the virtues of fresh, squishy cheese. Jenny is quietly horrified.
  • “They sell it in a bag... and the bag's wet.” – Dave ([11:22])
• Cheesehead Anecdote: Gareth shares the urban legend of a plane crash survivor credited his foam cheesehead hat for protection ([12:09]).

5. Cheese in Coffee—A New Frontier ([16:39])

• The group riff on "cheese coffee", an American oddity, with comparisons to bubble tea’s "cheese foam".
  • “If people are liking it, I got to try it before I completely shame them.” – Jenny ([17:18])
• Jenny agrees to possibly try cheese in coffee, sparking spirited cross-cultural exchanges about American and Australian food snobbery ([17:18 – 19:00]).

6. Breakfast All Day: The American Diner Experience ([20:01])

• Jenny marvels at American diners' extensive, all-day menus, contrasted with Australia's minimalist late-night options. Gareth and Dave bemoan and celebrate the U.S. food excess and air-conditioning supremacy ([20:03 – 21:00]).

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7. Dakota Editor vs. Office Pigs ([28:50])

• The group reads a piece in which a Dakota newspaper editor pleads for locals to keep pigs out from under the office.
  • “Sometimes you gotta put it in the papers.” – Dave ([29:31])
• Humorous riffs follow on building standards, pig sidekicks, and potential superhero names for animal abusers ([31:04 – 33:16]).

8. Cocaine Science Gone Awry ([33:46])

• The episode’s standout: Dr. Charles Bradley’s confessional about cocaine and morphine addiction in late-19th-century medicine.
  • “He was the first man to discover that it could be otherwise used.” – Dave ([38:03])
  • Key Quote: “So, Mayor, I wanted to show you. I've been really working hard ... I opened the cat up, and ... just to get a look at the bones...” – Dave, paraphrasing the doctor ([44:16])
• Details include self-experimentation, animal cruelty (“I dissected a leg of the cat”), and tragically comic rationalizations for increasingly bizarre behavior ([43:51]).
• Dave, Gareth, and Jenny interject with dark humor and moral outrage, questioning historical medical ethics ([45:02 – 46:09]).

9. Foot Race for a Bride ([51:33])

• An old piece about two men racing 10 miles for the “hand of a mountain maid” leads to jokes about dating, gender roles, and modern dating apps.
  • “I reckon it's still better than Hinge right now.” – Jenny ([53:58])
• The story is parodied as both a romantic feat and a problematic, patriarchal custom.

10. Postmortem Hair Growth: Grave Disturbances ([57:11])

• A chilling tale of a woman’s body exhumed 20 years after death, revealing her coffin filled with 10-foot-long hair.
  • “So visual. The whole thing. Oh, the wonderful skull, the voluptuous body, the 72 pounds ... so descriptive. It’s a horror movie.” – Jenny ([62:40])
• The hosts react with disgust and incredulity, joking about the bizarre reporting priorities of 19th-century newspapers ([58:59 – 63:00]).

11. Thumb Ring Fashion Fad ([63:06])

• Hosts riff on the social panic over men wearing rings on their thumbs, mocking the lack of newsworthiness.
  • “Actors always have a certain following among young men whose brains are not of dangerous weight.” – Dave reading ([65:03])

12. Ladies Riding "Man Fashion"—The Side Saddle Debate ([66:32])

• Article debates the controversial push for women to abandon sidesaddle for astride horseback riding (deemed “safer and more graceful”).
• Jenny relates sidesaddle to "Princess Diaries 2."
• Discussion mocks the absurd levels of Victorian propriety: “If you have your... you're not riding side saddle, you're ruined.” – Dave ([68:15])
• The group notes early women’s rights activism and the deeply entrenched societal double standards ([69:02 – 72:48]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Cheeseheads:
  “Everybody in Australia right now is like, what the—? And everybody in America’s like, yeah, cheesehead.” – Dave ([14:07])

• On old-fashioned fat measuring:
  “You could pay what you weigh... that's the most American thing you've heard yet?” – Dave ([08:27])

• On cocaine experimentation:
  “So I cut my own leg open. And then I put the cat's leg inside of my leg... and very little changed.” – Gareth, paraphrasing the doctor’s madness ([45:28])

• On postmortem beauty reporting:
  “We got in there to look at the ass...” – Dave, sarcastically recapping the creepy reporting on female corpses ([61:35])

• On dating via footrace:
  “How great would it be if you got to the top of the mountain and it's just like a nerdy teenager is like, 'I made up that I was a mountain babe.'” – Gareth ([54:46])

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [01:19] – Jenny describes her comedy tour and experiences in Australia and NYC
• [06:31] – Reveal and discussion of the 1891 newspaper (Kootenai Herald)
• [07:00] – Fat Man's Association headline and “pay what you weigh” story
• [10:20] – "Everything into Cheese" and the cheese coffee debate
• [28:50] – Dakota editor's plea about office pigs
• [33:46] – The cocaine doctor’s tale of addiction and animal experiments
• [51:33] – The footrace for a bride
• [57:11] – The hair-growing-from-a-coffin horror
• [63:06] – Thumb ring fashion and American fad hysteria
• [66:32] – Debate over women’s side-saddle vs. astride riding

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Tone and Style

The conversation is comedic, irreverent, and at times darkly absurd—a hallmark of The Dollop. Jenny’s dry wit and Australian perspective blend well with Dave and Gareth’s satirical humor. The group navigates the line between historical outrage and mockery, using history’s strangeness to highlight both the progress and ridiculousness of modern life.

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Summary

This episode is a rollercoaster through the peculiarities of late-19th-century America, with the trio laughing at (and aghast over) everything from cheese obsessions and exclusive fat men’s clubs to cat experiments in cocaine “research,” grizzly exhumations, and laughable Victorian fashion panics. Jenny Tian’s outsider insights set up perfect comedic volleys with the hosts, making history both hilarious and horrifying in equal measure. If you missed the episode and love The Dollop’s blend of comedy and gonzo history, this one’s a must-listen.

Transcript

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, shut up. Welcome to the podcast. It's called the Pastimes. You know how it is. Listen. We do. Each week we go through a newspaper from a random date in history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest, the great Jenny. Tn. Jenny, thank you for being here.

[Jenny Tien]

Oh, thank you for having me. I'm so excited.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we also.

[Dave Anthony]

You're touring Australia, but live in New York now, right?

[Jenny Tien]

I live in New York now. I just moved here. It's been. I've been here for a month and a new mayor has just been elected.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, yeah, the worst mayor possible.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it might have been you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We. We, like you are. Are grieving. This our boy Cuomo turn. That Cuomo was the solution.

[Dave Anthony]

What a great guy. Here we are.

[Jenny Tien]

Amazing, amazing man. Touched me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

An amazing man recently admitted that his solve to the MeToo issues that emerged for him was to not be left alone with a woman again. And I just think, God bless him. God bless him. To treat women like alcohol to an alcoholic. It's just normal, normal leadership stuff. But where are you gonna be in Australia? Where can people get your tour dates and all that stuff?

[Jenny Tien]

So I'm doing all of the festivals next year. So basically I have shows at the Sydney Opera House, which. Very exciting. First time ever doing the Sydney Opera House.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's fucking great.

[Jenny Tien]

I'll also do Sydney Comedy Festival, Melbourne Comedy Festival, Adelaide Fringe, Perth Comedy Festival, Brisbane Comedy Festival. So the whole shebang. I'm doing it all. And then I will eventually add dates to the US as well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where can people go? What's the best way to go find that information?

[Jenny Tien]

The link in my bio.

[Dave Anthony]

There you go.

[Jenny Tien]

The link in the bio.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You had a question.

[Dave Anthony]

There's still.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll be hitting you with a follow.

[Dave Anthony]

There's still time to pull out of Adelaide Fringe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was going to say, what does it feel like in the same tour to be doing the Sydney Opera House and then going to Adelaide? What is that? That must be. That must be hard. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Jenny Tien]

I think it really tells me how my career is going at the moment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which one? Which one are you doing first?

[Jenny Tien]

I'm so. I'm doing Opera House first and then Adelaide Fridge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a shame.

[Jenny Tien]

Boy, I'm doing the Opera House in, like, the most regal, beautiful theater I think I ever would have played in my life. And then I'm going straight into a tent for two weeks. Just with all the carnival happen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

People think when you say a tent, you mean A tent in Adelaide at the festival. What people don't know, who've never been there. Adelaide is a tent. It's just one big tent. And it's just a tented nightmare.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Jenny Tien]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

I saw a gigantic bat there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you finish a show at 10, don't try to eat.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You won't find. It's impossible. There's no. I don't know. Adelaide.

[Jenny Tien]

It closes early. It's an early. Yeah, you gotta like, literally my favorite, or one of my least favorite, I should say, parts about doing shows there is. It's so funny. So you're in the tent, which has no soundproofing at all, by the way. There's literally. If you looked in the tent, you can see the cracks of people on rides outside having fun. And you'll be telling your jokes and occasionally you'll hear like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that for me? Is that my premise?

[Jenny Tien]

Because they're just having so much more fun outside than inside the room. Best festival in the world. What can I say?

[Dave Anthony]

So bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what you should do? You should just record your opera house set and play it on a monitor on stage just to show them what a real show is.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, I have never heard a lot. I've never heard a comedian come out of the LA fringe and be like, that was great. I had a really good time. Nobody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're just like. It's basic. Yeah, it's just like filling time in between the next festival. Well, Jenny, that's exciting. Good for you. We love going over there to every city except for one.

[Dave Anthony]

But the bats are too big. Pardon? The Adelaide. The bats in Adelaide are way too fucking large.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, that was.

[Dave Anthony]

They're like eagle sized. It's really upsetting.

[Jenny Tien]

They're quite big. But I feel like that's like an Australian thing in general. Like in Sydney as well, there's an outdoor cinema called moonlight with bats that size. And because it's an outdoor cinema, what will happen is the bats will fly across in a huge swarm and then they'll shit all over you. And by the end of the movie, you're covered in bat shit and you're like, what have I just paid for?

[Dave Anthony]

That sounds bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's not good. It's obviously. It's obviously terrible. And I think that what this is, what you've done is basically affirmed the stereotypes of Australia. Like there. When I tell people, because we go there, I don't know, we go there like every couple years at this point, and people be like, what about the spider? And I'm like, no, it's not like that. It's okay. And then you're just like. You go see a movie, you get guano. It's like just.

[Dave Anthony]

You get Covid and rabies when you go to Sydney.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Jenny, that's exciting. Thank you for joining us. We're going to go through an old newspaper. It sounds boring. It is boring. But we'll try to have fun with it. We'll do our best.

[Dave Anthony]

Great introduction.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You as the guest normally would get to guess the year of the paper, but Dave and I just did one of these and he didn't even let me guess.

[Jenny Tien]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it's, it's. I'm not gonna bore you with this nightmare part of the game, but you.

[Dave Anthony]

Can guess any year from like 1641 up until today and just go ahead and guess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And if you get. There's no prize, but go ahead. And I'm gonna guess too. Go ahead, Jenny.

[Dave Anthony]

In a year, I'm.

[Jenny Tien]

I'm. I'm gonna go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[Jenny Tien]

1792.

[Gareth Reynolds]

1898.

[Dave Anthony]

You. You were just a little bit over. So you lose. It is 1891.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Price is Right rules. No, Yeah, I mean, that's what we set up beforehand. We said Price is Right rules today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whatever.

[Dave Anthony]

Congratulations, Jenny. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Way to go again, Jenny. I want. I know you're celebrating. I want to point out he caters the rules to make sure I lose every time.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, it is. It's like a weird.

[Dave Anthony]

Now you're making stuff up. I. I don't. Okay. It's October 24th, 1891. Now. I don't want to read this. What is that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's an alternative title for America.

[Dave Anthony]

Go ahead, read that title.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fat Man's Association.

[Dave Anthony]

No, no, no. The head. The head. The. Oh, the name of the paper. Good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Kootenay Herald.

[Dave Anthony]

Kootenay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kootenai. Kootenai.

[Dave Anthony]

K O O T E N A I. Kootenai. I would. Kootenai. But it's also America, so it could be really anything. It is America. No, the T and the N are silent. It's Kunaha.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anyway, I did spoil the first article, but it's just such a great headline.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, first headline. A Fat Man's Association.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Finally.

[Dave Anthony]

I've considered doing a dollop on Fat Men's Association.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

This was a huge thing at this time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

Just fat guys would get together and they were all over the country. Fat Men's Associations.

[Jenny Tien]

Wow. So like a club, like a cuddle.

[Dave Anthony]

And they were just big boys and they're like, hey, you want to get together, big boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, just.

[Dave Anthony]

I bet you had to be a certain way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Real bad. Everything's a needle.

[Dave Anthony]

But back then, fat guys were like, what now is, like, normal? Like, fat guys weren't fat guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, right. No, they were like, oh, he's a whopping 210.

[Dave Anthony]

A Texas has a fat man's association.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Texas is a fat man's association.

[Dave Anthony]

Absolutely. Texas has a fat men's association. The initiation fee of which is a cent a pound.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A cent a pound? Oh, you got. It's like, there was a restaurant when I was a kid. You've probably never heard of this restaurant. I don't know if you've ever. It was called the Ground Round.

[Dave Anthony]

I've heard of the Ground.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you'd pay what you'd weigh, so you'd get on a scale. And when you were a kid, if you were like, under 10, you'd pay what you'd weigh. So you'd, like, you'd get on the scale and if you weighed, like, whatever.

[Dave Anthony]

They would charge you like, £50.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

You're paying 50 cents.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

But the parents are like, two. Let's say £200.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you wouldn't do it for the parents.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, you wouldn't do it for the parents?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's kids only. Oh, yeah, it was kids only. But. But. So this is charging you a cent a pound.

[Dave Anthony]

That. Is that the most American thing you've heard yet?

[Jenny Tien]

I. I've never heard of that in my life. I'm a bit like, wouldn't you just like, here's what, like, we would do. Like my parents would do is like, you know, whatever age you actually are, even when you're 16, your parents would try be like, yeah, they're under 10.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Jenny Tien]

Let's them into the restaurant for free. Yeah, there's that. But I've never heard of weighing for anything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They had a big scale. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

That's really crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And it was a big scale. And it was.

[Dave Anthony]

And then you could eat whatever you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wanted, I think so. I'm pretty sure. I don't remember. I was real little. But I just remember getting on a scale and being like, let's go.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, the kids would love that, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was awesome.

[Jenny Tien]

Imagine if you, like, confused your memories, and that was actually just you at a doctor's office checking your weight.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was horribly ill.

[Dave Anthony]

Your parents. Your parents used to say that to you to make you feel better about yourself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, great. Yeah.

[Jenny Tien]

And now you can eat whatever you want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm looking up how the why don't you keep reading? I'm gonna look.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. Men who weigh less than 225lbs are ineligible for membership.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. It was a. It applies to kids meals on Tuesday only.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So my parents would take me there. Oh. With the purchase of an adult entree. So, yeah, my parents.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, well, that makes sense. So you see, not just bringing in the kid to eat and leaving.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

Which is what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He had to be under 12.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Jenny Tien]

Which is what my parents would have done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I thought it was every night because every time we went there, it must have been a Tuesday. I had no concept of what day it was.

[Dave Anthony]

My dad would have been like, what kind of gin and tonic does he.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get for can you drink what you puke?

[Dave Anthony]

Next headline. That's it. That's all. There's that story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a good one.

[Dave Anthony]

Everything into cheese.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I swear to God, it's like he's reading my childhood.

[Dave Anthony]

What is Gastro gastron Wisconsin, which is our cheese state?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everything into cheese.

[Jenny Tien]

Okay. Oh, my goodness.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, they really like their cheese there, Jenny.

[Jenny Tien]

You know, first of all, like, you treat it like French people. Like you keep them in barrels underground. Or are you talking like liquid?

[Dave Anthony]

Pretty close to that. Well, to cheese curds. No, that is the correct face. That is the correct face. So a cheese curd is the youngest cheese.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Dave Anthony]

And it comes from. It just comes out of the milk, Right? Like it's like straight from the milk. Yeah, but it's cheese, you know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen, here's our pitch. Why is it gotta take so freaking long? Let's go with the cheese already. So when it starts to curd, you just yank it out. You get kind of little cheesy fingers.

[Dave Anthony]

And then they sell it in a bag and you just drive down the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Road and the bag's wet.

[Dave Anthony]

New cheese with your fingers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, and the bag's wet.

[Dave Anthony]

And they're little. They're little guys. Little.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Jenny, you know what?

[Dave Anthony]

That is the correct face, Jenny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You make that face. These are my people.

[Dave Anthony]

They're bad people.

[Jenny Tien]

I'm trying not to be offensive. Expensive right now. Absolutely delicious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Am I crazy? Come on, let's do it. You come on, everybody.

[Dave Anthony]

Fu.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, what's your way. Hey. What? Come on, everybody.

[Dave Anthony]

Gareth is a Green Bay packers football fan. And they are the cheese heads. And sometimes they wear a cheese. The fans will put the cheese triangle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I'll do you one better, Jenny. This is no joke.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, here we go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There was a plane crash maybe 20 years ago, and the only survivor was.

[Jenny Tien]

Don't worry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay. Never mind. Sorry, go ahead. Blah, blah, blah. Zoran Mamdani. But there was a guy. The only survivor of a plane crash was the guy who put a cheese. Who put a cheese head.

[Dave Anthony]

That can't be true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't normally Google. I'm not normally the show's Jamie on Joe Rogan.

[Dave Anthony]

This sounds one of your, like one of your AI stories.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, this was. Okay. All right.

[Dave Anthony]

Keep breathing. I guess it would be a good cushion to protect you from stuff coming from above.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

But I doubt he lived because he had the cheese head on.

[Jenny Tien]

Yeah. Like, how amazing is this cheese? Like if it's like a helmet. Okay, I could imagine that. But it, I mean the cheese is notoriously soft.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it's. It's not a real. Okay, all. Here we go. It's Styrofoam. When Frank Emit Jr. Of Superior, Wisconsin realized the light airplane he was about to crash on Sunday, I was. It was just him. Because it wasn't a commercial flight. He grabs something to protect himself. A cheese head. The 36 year old green Bay Packer fan isn't recommending the heavy foam wedge shape from Wisconsin's fanatics for every emergency. But he said it saved his face and arms, if not his life. So there you go. He shattered his right ankle and he. There. Here's the quote and then we'll get back to the regular part of the show. I understand the quote. There were tons of cheese heads there. He said, referring to the nickname given to the Wisconsin sports fans. And he decided to wear it as a hat. Yeah. Here, Dave's going to show you, Jenny, what we're dealing with here. And he wore that and he wore that and he survived. So there you go.

[Jenny Tien]

Oh my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What can't it do?

[Jenny Tien]

Yeah, that is. I'm not gonna lie. When you said like triangle, I thought you meant like a Dorito head. But that's actually like, that's huge. That's commitment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll get one to you, no problem.

[Dave Anthony]

I would love one.

[Jenny Tien]

I'll wear it for my next flight.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Where's Adelaide? It would probably work in Australia.

[Dave Anthony]

Everybody in Australia right now is like, what the. And everybody in America's like, yeah, cheese head.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Anyway. All right. Anyway. So yeah, pay what you weigh. We wear cheese. We're fine. Fine.

[Dave Anthony]

Childhood travelers in the land of sunny skies are authority for the statement that there is nothing in the shape of milk that the Italian peasant won't convert into cheese if he is given half a ch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

So you're like the. You're like the dairy wizard. You're the Italians of your. Of America.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a compliment.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Every known animal is subject to his tax for this purpose. And it is said that a Genoese sailor who was once cast away on a South Sea island went insane from disappointment when, after months of experimenting, he discovered that the milk of the coconut had no cheese in it.

[Jenny Tien]

Oh, we're still talking about cheese. Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm right at home. And I will say it is tough for those of us who, if you. I've heard of coconut milk. Why is there no cheese? It's not milk. Go ahead.

[Dave Anthony]

No, I agree. Coconut milk is not milk. It's just water inside of a coconut.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly, sir.

[Dave Anthony]

And it's not any. It's not any more nutritious or has no nutritional value over any other water, but. Would you go insane?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you hear that, Jenny? A lot of. He's doing a lot of coconut shame in there. Go ahead.

[Dave Anthony]

Would you go insane if you were on a cheeseless island?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I'm not. Like, I. I can live without cheese. I have lived without cheese. But if I was on a desert island and I found cheese, you better believe I'd be like, this place kicks ass.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't think I would want to be on an island without cheese, if I'm being honest.

[Jenny Tien]

I agree. I don't think I could live without cheese.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, you two love cheese.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You two spoiled millennials.

[Dave Anthony]

That's what you are.

[Jenny Tien]

The food of our generation. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but it's so good.

[Jenny Tien]

Like, think about how versatile it is. Like, it's on pizza. You can have toasted cheese. Like, everything is better with them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just name the same style of cheese.

[Dave Anthony]

No, you can put a sandwich. You can just eat it straight cheese with crackers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you. What's it called? A. The pasty. What the hell is it called? The chicken Toasty. The Toasty.

[Jenny Tien]

Oh, yeah. Oh, those are delicious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You love those things.

[Jenny Tien]

We love the toasties.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, a pie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

It can be in coffee, as we.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just saw the other day, Jenny, where people in America are putting cheese in their coffee.

[Dave Anthony]

It's really upsetting.

[Jenny Tien]

Wait, that's. That's a real thing? I thought you were joking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. No, no.

[Dave Anthony]

A woman. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then a guy that helps us with a lot of the stuff we do on tour.

[Dave Anthony]

He did it and he liked it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he really liked it, Jenny. He dipped chips into the coffee cheese, and he ate it like that. Like a.

[Dave Anthony]

Like a French onion it's just you put it in hot coffee, so it's just, like, you know, gooey. It's gooey melted cheese.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not okay.

[Dave Anthony]

No, it's bad saying it's okay, but we're trying everything.

[Jenny Tien]

Yeah, but I'm like, you know what? If people are liking it, I got to try it before I completely shame them for their decisions.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you try it?

[Jenny Tien]

I think I would try it because, you know, there's some, like, if you go to, like, a bubble tea shop, there's, like, the tea and then they have cheese foam on top, which initially I judged and I went, those people are disgusting. Why would you ever have cheese on it? And then I tried it and I went, oh, no, this is. This is really good. I take all of my words back. So, you know, you can't wait till you try it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would love for you to try it.

[Dave Anthony]

The Australians are the snobbiest coffee people. I mean, it's really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave's about to dig up.

[Dave Anthony]

It's like Italian level, snobby nish about coffee.

[Jenny Tien]

Yeah. Yeah. Like, literally all my friends here are like, there's no good coffee here in America. Not a single city has good coffee.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Which is crazy because there are. You go to small roasters.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Luke, we're on the pastimes right now. Our guest Jenny Tien's here. She's thinking of trying the cheese coffee. On a scale of 1 to 10, what would you recommend? I like. Do you love it?

[Dave Anthony]

I would.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In terms of trying it, I'd give it a 10. 10.

[Jenny Tien]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's no downside to knowing. Okay. Do you have a recommendation on the kind of cheese? I. I just. Not cream cheese, because it doesn't melt, which apparently. Do you have a recommendation on which cheese? I would pick like a kind of.

[Dave Anthony]

A gooey cheese that's going to really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Melt in the set. You want it like French onion soup consistency. So just don't do, like, a super hard cheese. Don't do a different form cheese, like a cream cheese. Jenny, this is a history show. A semisoft cheese.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. This is the start of the coffee cheese movement.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, we gotta go. We gotta go, buddy. We're out of here. Bye.

[Dave Anthony]

You don't want to get him talking too much, but I would think if you went. If you went to Sydney and were, like, going to, like, a Sydney coffee shop where people love their coffee and. And order a coffee and then just take cheese out of your bag and drop it in, what do you think people would do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, just Wear a maga hat.

[Jenny Tien]

It would be odd. But you know, you know what I've noticed since being here is that like Australian cafes are such a big brand in America, like Australian restaurants. Whereas in Australia we have like American diners where they'll serve like black American coffee. They'll pour it out of a jar. So, you know what if you took out some cheese and you put it in there, I don't think anyone would bat an eye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I could see it working over there. I really could.

[Dave Anthony]

I took Jenny to a diner in Studio City and, or North Hollywood and she couldn't believe the menu.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really.

[Dave Anthony]

She's like, what? She goes, I don't understand. That's everything.

[Jenny Tien]

Thanks so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are nightmares.

[Dave Anthony]

It's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are nightmares.

[Jenny Tien]

So much variety. And then I went to another diner that was like one of those 24 hour diners as well. And I thought that, you know, in Australia they would have a very limited menu for that time slot. They still had everything. I was like, oh my God, this is amazing.

[Dave Anthony]

Right? The best thing about America is, and it's my favorite thing, breakfast all day. It's just. You can get breakfast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll give you two times. Our food culture is an absolute disaster. Nightmare.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

However, you can get it all. And also air conditioning. We just.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, we love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We did good with air conditioning. That's it.

[Jenny Tien]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everything else is. It's built on a.

[Dave Anthony]

Everything else is not going well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Denial, a collapse and just total calamity. And it's all coming for us. We're staring down the barrel of a self made shotgun. But I'll tell you what, you want waffles at 4pm, it's not going to be an issue.

[Jenny Tien]

Yeah, I love it. I love it. You can have eggs anyway, anytime. It's so good anyway.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anytime. That's right.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, it's great. Gareth. I use something called Mint Mobile to make phone calls, to look up information online, to text friends. Do you know what that is?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't have friends.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a mobile service for phones. That's what that is. And if I have it, you should have it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All of our. Oh, what if I told you I also had it?

[Dave Anthony]

And Gareth, here's the best.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just don't have friends to text with about it.

[Dave Anthony]

The quality is amazing. It's a great wireless service. And Gareth, it makes your phone taste like mint.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But Dave, is it on the nation's largest 5G network as well as you get to keep your phone number and your phone?

[Dave Anthony]

Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. You could be saving money with Mint.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mobile because I just licked my phone. I just licked my phone.

[Dave Anthony]

How did it taste?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not like mint at all.

[Dave Anthony]

I might be wrong about the phone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tasted like a hand.

[Dave Anthony]

Maybe lick it again just to be sure. The front look, it's. It's hand again. It's present giving time. Don't give people socks. Don't give them a picture of your feet. It Mint Mobile plans, It's premium wireless, 15 bucks a month. So shop Mint Unlimited [e-mail] pastimes that's mintmobile.com pastimes Look Gareth, here's what I'm going to say. If you lick the phone three times, it's like candy man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not licking it. I did two big licks if you.

[Dave Anthony]

But three times is when it happens because it's like Candyman back or front Candyman man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or under part.

[Dave Anthony]

And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I think you're gonna have to stop with the Candyman references soon. Do you hear me? You are at three in a week.

[Dave Anthony]

Look, the. It's a limited time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tastes bad, tastes like hand. It all tastes like hand.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I don't know. Maybe I was wrong. So maybe the whole thing is. It's just that you get great phone service and it's cheap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's what it is.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it's like a Mint deal. That's the thing.

[Dave Anthony]

So look, this is a limited time offer. Upfront payment of $45 for three months. 90 DOL months or $180 for 12 months. Plan required. $15 a month. Equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial term only over 35 gigabytes. May slow when the network is busy. Capable device required. Availability. Availability, speed and coverage varies. See mint mobile.com and that's the dot comist. What Gareth Rosser brought to you by Ridge, of course is, is a wallet situation. I also got keychains and Gareth, you used a Ridge wallet before we even brought Ridge Wallet on board.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've been with Ridge for a long time. It just is a great way to clean this time for having a wallet that's bulky and folds out is over.

[Dave Anthony]

Full of stuff you never use.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's just weird. And so you don't need that anymore. Ridge just puts your cards in there if you want a place for your money. You got that on the outside, you're good to go. And it's got the great, great keychain too. Same technology.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it does have a great keychain. I. I really like the keychain and, and the. They're made of great materials. Aluminum, titanium, carbon fiber. They got the new Ridge 2.0. It's a refined version of Ridge wallet. They perfected it over 12 years. Everything's better, it's 10% lighter. And they made it more modular with improved cash straps and money clips and airtag attachments. Air tag attachments.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Big. That's big.

[Dave Anthony]

Huge. I lose my wallet all over the place. Oh, we've got to get this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Make sure Luke has this because.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they got over 100.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We should be air tagging Luke.

[Dave Anthony]

Quite frankly, that's actually not a bad idea. They've got over a hundred thousand. Five star reviews. One of them by Gareth Reynolds. And that's proof that people like Gareth love.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I write reviews under Candace Shepperman.

[Dave Anthony]

And they also carry, like we said, key cases. They got suitcases, they got a game changing power bank. All got the same sleek sort of durable design. It's the perfect gift. If you're looking for gifts for the holiday season, this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on, Ridge, come on.

[Dave Anthony]

Head to Ridge. So look slim down your wallet. You don't have to have that big bulky thing in your back pocket. Get yourself a Ridge. And for a limited time, Ridge is having their huge Black Friday sale. Head to r I d g e.com to get up to 47 off your order. This is by far the largest discount they've given all year. That's ridge.com 5047 off your order during their biggest sale of the year. And after you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them our show sent you the dollop. The bad boys of podcasting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Be very clear that the bad boys brought you over there.

[Dave Anthony]

The baddest boys only. Gareth. We also, we also brought to you by something that you have on you right now that you wear that you love, that's in your pants. I'm talking about me undies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look.

[Dave Anthony]

Gif Gift giving season, as they call it. I think it's Thanksgiving on beyond a little while. It's here, we're hitting it. It's coming. Don't panic. Don't freak out. People are gonna freak out. Me undies. That's where you're going. You're going to me undies. It's time to get your butt and other people's butts in the meundies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's taking on the strings tone. So let's just be careful here. But I would say that they're, they're Great. They're comfortable. There's tons of options. They're just great quality. A great website. Just great gift. Cater your undies to who you're giving them to.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I'm sharing my undies with several people at this point. I got.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not listening to what I'm saying.

[Dave Anthony]

Me and my wife, I got a pair for me and you, me and your mom. I got a pair for my sons. This is a little bit of a strange way, but I bought a matching unis for. For me and my son's baseball coach. So I think it's going to be a really weird but fun Christmas. I'm going to want you all about matching.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's talk off ad about that. The thinking behind that a little that we should dig into that.

[Dave Anthony]

You can get matching undies for your partner. You can get coordinating PJs for family photos or get infested with your family group. You know you want to do that. Get a picture. Easy. Ridiculously cozy, Gareth. Ridiculously cozy. And that's what I'm going to say to the baseball coach.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know him or how close are you guys?

[Dave Anthony]

He just got hired. So you actually want to be caught in matching loungewear all season long when you. When you've got the meundies, it's the go to unbelievably soft underwear. And coaches love it. So if you can find a coach, I recommend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I wouldn't give it to a coach. I. I mean, look, unless there's some friendship there, I just. I just think there's so many other people to give it to.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I hear you, coach. So knock out all your holiday gifting needs today with me undies. To get exclusive holiday deals up to 50 off, go to Meundies.com dollop and enter promo code dollop. That's Meundies.com dollop promo code dollop for up to 50 off. Take that, coach.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Me and you, what's your deal? Now you're coming at him.

[Dave Anthony]

It's going to be a little aggressive. We're the best country on earth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Dave Anthony]

By the way, I told you, Jenny, keep carrying your papers. Dakota's. Dakota's editor's complaint. We greatly dislike to find fault with any of the customs of our beautiful little city, says a Dakota editor. But we. I wonder which Dakota city this is. But they're all small. But we must nevertheless insist that people keep their swine out from under the office of this paper. Okay, well, this took a literal swine. Yeah, we're talking about pigs.

[Jenny Tien]

Pigs.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, they're saying, they. They're saying, please stop the pigs from going under our building.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's just a terrible.

[Dave Anthony]

Sometimes you got to make it. You got to put it in the papers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The situation is not made better by a bunch of. Of pigs.

[Dave Anthony]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, they're the best.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, pigs are pretty great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The best. They're the best.

[Jenny Tien]

Imagine taking a pig to work.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I love that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So cute. I just.

[Dave Anthony]

I would. I would love to have a little house pig.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah, buddy, I'll move in whenever.

[Dave Anthony]

No, that's not. Yeah, what I was asking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gladly. You want me to be your little house pig? Yeah, I'll be him.

[Dave Anthony]

No, it's not what I'm talking about. We already have a. We already have a van pig.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we sure should. We just called him. It's got a strange diet. Yeah. Like most pigs, he's just combining food groups.

[Dave Anthony]

While engaged at our desk writing our leader on the stability of our territorial institutions. For our paper this week, one of Senator McBride's razor backed hogs jumped. Sorry. Humped up its spine and began scratching its back on the beams under the floor, jarring the whole building and making it necessary.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't have a. You're not a building. If a pig back scratching shakes your building, you are a shanty. You're a shack, sir. You ain't a building.

[Dave Anthony]

Why is there space for pigs to go under your office?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Listen. There's just nature's. Nature's finding a way, as it should.

[Jenny Tien]

It's like an opposite story to the Three Little Pigs where instead of the wolf taking down a house, it's just a pig going, let's get in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like the wolf's like, I don't even think I need to get over there. I don't even need to do anything. This is fine.

[Dave Anthony]

Jarring the whole building and making it necessary for us to stop our work on the editorial, crawl under our office and welt the critter along the side with a column rule.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't lock. Love it.

[Dave Anthony]

This interrupted our train of thought and the editorial is not what we could wish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Excuse me. This man is saying that the animal abuse made him lose his momentum.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right. Sometimes a pig will make you up your train of thought and just ruin your editorial writing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's the superhero I want. I want animal abuser. Abuser. Man. Man or woman.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, the name is terrible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anytime there's animal abuse, I want a superhero. Beats the person who abused the animal.

[Dave Anthony]

So what's the name of the guy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not Animal. Animal Anti Animal Abuse man.

[Jenny Tien]

Yeah, you said that. And I went, oh, that's a bad guy. That's an evil guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, no. Sorry. I'm not pitching him right. He's.

[Jenny Tien]

He's abusing superhero to take down the animal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, no. You're like, this guy's a real weirdo. Hey, what you. Wait. We need a guy who's killing the animals more.

[Dave Anthony]

Let's get Mr. Pig Hater in here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How are you? I'm gonna beat this swine. Excuse me.

[Dave Anthony]

Just a guy in a cape with a paddle. Yeah. Jeez.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Christ, this guy sucks. Is there a robbery? I'm gonna hit this dog, sir. Feels like it couldn't hurt.

[Dave Anthony]

I need a name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want him named? I will name him Revenge Beater.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. It's not. It's not specific to animals, though. Like, it's got to be. It's got to be animal. It's got to be an animal name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Animal Revenge Beater.

[Dave Anthony]

That's just not good. Rab. Oh, no. Animal Arb.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pig Man.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, it's closer, but now I'm thinking a guy as close as we're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gonna get this episode.

[Dave Anthony]

It's like an actual iPad. He has a snout. He looks for truffles. That's all I'm. That's all envisioning now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sounds like a winner to me, lover. Nope. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Why is he here? Don't mind me. Lightning struck me, and now I have an insatiable cure for pig sex. Christ.

[Jenny Tien]

I can't help it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you want me to do? He's not angry.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, this. This next story is really long. Yeah, it looks crazy, but then. But the title is spectacular.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Dave Anthony]

A victim of cocaine in there gives his experience with the fascinating drug nursed back to health.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, this is the era where cocaine was used for. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Health purposes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Health purposes. Let's get back there.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. We had a whole. This particular. The 1890s was like. That was the cocaine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a time.

[Dave Anthony]

Dr. Charles Bradley's name first came into undesirable prominence in November 1885, when he was arrested, charged with being insane through excessive indulgence in morphine and cocaine. Well, he's having a good time. That's why you became.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jenny Tien]

It sounds like a very similar headline to today, actually. Some things never change. Just having a party.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Can a guy have a good time?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

He was taken before Judge Pendergrast was declared to be insane and given a sentence of three months in the Washingtonian house. Oh, you're Insane for three months.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

That's basically just a stint. It doesn't make any sense.

[Jenny Tien]

And then he's cured.

[Dave Anthony]

Boom.

[Jenny Tien]

Sounds like a great psychiatric ward.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, get out of here. You're fine now. I'm still hearing the voices. Get out of here. We need the bed.

[Dave Anthony]

After a fortnight's stay at the house of Dr. Bradley, went to Canada, his old home, where he gave himself up entirely to the demands of the drug, the fascinations of which completely enthralled him. He was into it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's cocaine. This is. This is the. This is cocaine?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just. Sorry, everybody. This the deal.

[Jenny Tien]

He was enthralled. What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. What? He was telling stories.

[Dave Anthony]

What, from a drug?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Smoking cigarettes.

[Dave Anthony]

Huh. Practice and home were gone, and he gave free reign to his vice. He returned to Chicago and sent. And was sent to the insane asylum where a complete cure was affected. And he resumed his practice, only to find himself deserted by his clients and his reputation impaired. Well, yeah, he was on. Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's what happens when you do tons of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, cool. So, yeah, you're good to go.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, what do you. What do you think about. Just start chitchatting?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. What? You ever thought about this? Like, what about a bike? But you don't need to use your feet. It's just your hands. You think that would work?

[Dave Anthony]

The physician went to the gutter and a year ago was begging for cocaine at drugstores or securing it by fictitious orders on druggists.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can you spare some cocaine?

[Dave Anthony]

So he's now. He's now using false prescriptions.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So he's gone. He's gone through all the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just the idea that you could go to a pharmacy and get cocaine. Let's get back there. It is time. I mean, if you're. The guy's like, I'd better write you, actually, the generic cocaine.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, okay. I can guess. I can do that. It's a big party, but, yeah, can't.

[Jenny Tien]

Get that premium stuff too pricey now.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, well, the insurance company won't cover the premium.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

Generic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine, man, I can't get my cocaine this month.

[Dave Anthony]

Then he disappeared. He was occasionally heard from in Canada and the east until last fall when the newspapers recorded his arrest in New York City for endeavoring to obtain a supply of cocaine by representing himself as a messenger sent from one physician to another.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello. Hey, I'm the coke boy.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm in between coke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm the mule.

[Dave Anthony]

I take the cocaine from one guy. To another.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll get it over to him. Don't worry. You don't need to seal the bag. That's fine.

[Dave Anthony]

I'll do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

On the wall.

[Dave Anthony]

In the police report, the gaunt, emaciated, ragged man told his story of want and woe and the causes which brought them about. At that time, he was using six grams of six grains of cocaine a day. What's grains? How many grain is it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Might be a rock.

[Dave Anthony]

I just. Maybe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know. The measurement.

[Jenny Tien]

Grain. Yeah, it was like a tiny little size. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. It's got to be like a pill size thing, right? Let's see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep going.

[Dave Anthony]

He was sent to Bellevue to die.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jenny Tien]

You'Re dying here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okie dokie.

[Dave Anthony]

Somebody check you in the hospital to die. What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And this is where you'll die, obviously.

[Dave Anthony]

There he was found by the manager of the Christian home where he was nursed back to mental and physical vigor. Dr. Bradley was reluctant to dwell on the episodes thus briefly given, but converse freely on the other circumstances of his life. Quote, Until 1885, there was nothing to dim my prospects. It was in that year that cocaine was first brought to notice through a German physician. But it was only known as a practical anesthetic in operation by a Colts. I can't read that. I think it says a Colt. No, occult. I don't know what that word is. There was no method known for using it for other purposes. I was the first man to discover that it could be otherwise used. No, you weren't. So a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A grain is 64 milligrams which results to well under an ounce. So I don't know. Must not have been a lot.

[Dave Anthony]

You like, do like a 5 ounce. How much is a gram? I don't think I brought much. Is a gram in ounces because we always. We always. In America, we always. Yeah. Sold our cocaine in the metric system. But then we do everything else by.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it's.001 grams.

[Dave Anthony]

That is not a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jenny Tien]

Wow, that's tiny. This guy was hooked on so little.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. It's like, if you're gonna do it. Who has that. Who has that ability to. The coke Must been bad.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah. Or really good or real good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, man, that be fun.

[Dave Anthony]

I. I was the first man to discover it, in fact to take place of ether or chloroform. Oh, so he's saying he was the first guy to find that it could be used instead of ether. Chloroform. Jesus. What a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What did they use chloroform for before what we know it for, which is just to knock out someone in an alley if you need them to not die.

[Dave Anthony]

I think they would, like, sniff it and get high, but you just pass out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just feel like, I bet.

[Dave Anthony]

I bet she could go out on the street and buy. What. What neighborhood are you in?

[Jenny Tien]

I'm in Greenpoint.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, great.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, you could go out on the street and find some chlorophyll.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, now that mom Donnie's in, I mean, it's all over. It's just like, people don't understand. There are going to be grocery stores that it's not really expensive, that aren't expensive for poor. It's disgusting what he's doing.

[Jenny Tien]

It's terrible.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Jenny Tien]

Fixing the cost of living.

[Gareth Reynolds]

An asshole Cuomo would have grabbed women. I don't think people understood.

[Dave Anthony]

Greenpoint's a good neighborhood you picked, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it is a good spot.

[Dave Anthony]

That discovery, so important to the world that, most unfortunate for me, I. When I announced my discovery, physicians laughed and declared I was crazy. I wrote a letter to Mayor Harrison asking him to appoint a medical commission to inquire into the value of my discovery. So he wrote the mayor, and he's like, hey, man, I found a cocaine. It's pretty awesome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the mayor's like, cool, that's great.

[Dave Anthony]

So I want to set up, like, a group where I. I just do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So how long were we doing cocaine? Like, in this way?

[Dave Anthony]

A while. I mean, it went on. It went on for a couple decades.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just like, it's really helpful. Awful.

[Dave Anthony]

But I feel like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then eventually people like, we can't do. This is crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

But I. It just doesn't. The. The timing's weird because I think he's just full of, like. I think people were doing it before.

[Jenny Tien]

Oh, sorry. I said. I. I still can't get over the fact that he. He wrote a letter to the mayor. Oh, my goodness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jenny Tien]

Imagine writing to anyone. Like, look at my discovery. The person in the government must know about this and his properties.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Mr. Mayor, I got news, dude. Holy. Dude. There's this stuff, and literally you just snorted. I know it sounds weird because you're probably used to ejecting. No more Mr. Mayor.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm thinking I go on like a. Like a commission.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You imagine trying to lick an envelope with coke mouth. It's like, I gotta use water. It's crazy. I got no saliva in here.

[Dave Anthony]

So. Asking the mayor to appoint a medical commission to inquire into the value of my discovery, which was then the administration of cocaine hypodermically Hypodermically.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So injecting coke.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Right. I first utilized my discovery. Oh, you're gonna love this. I first utilized my discovery by testing it on a cat.

[Jenny Tien]

Oh, my goodness. Wonder what the cat did afterwards.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just.

[Dave Anthony]

How do you think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chetty, Where. Where do we land on this?

[Dave Anthony]

How do you think your cat, Jose would be on cocaine?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not good, dude. This morning he was going bonkers.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, well, maybe they'll even him out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't. Yeah, that's good pitch. Part of me thinks we should know the answer to what a cat is like on cocaine. But also the other part of me is like, I'm the guy who just pitched that. We need a superhero to stop animal abuse. Yeah, I don't know, Jenny. Yeah, thoughts?

[Jenny Tien]

Yeah, I. I think, you know, when cats are. Do you guys say zoomies here? My cat's got zoomies. Yeah. I reckon. I reckon that times 10. I reckon it'll just be moving so quickly around the room, it's a blur. That's what I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. You're not gonna like this part. I dissected a leg of the cat.

[Jenny Tien]

Oh, my God. What's that to do with anything?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Jenny Tien]

For the experiment.

[Dave Anthony]

Sometimes. Sometimes you've got to cut a cat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jenny. I just want to point out how exact exactly.

[Dave Anthony]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The question you just asked.

[Dave Anthony]

It's weird. It's. It's a very much a cocaine. Why?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's going on?

[Jenny Tien]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I cut open the cat's leg. Do you know what a regular cat's leg looks like? No.

[Dave Anthony]

So, Mayor, I wanted to show you. I've been really working hard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you're the coke letter guy.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The envelope wasn't sealed when you.

[Dave Anthony]

So I opened the cat up and. Sorry. I opened the cat up.

[Jenny Tien]

Why?

[Dave Anthony]

Just to get a look at the bones and whatever's going on. Cocaine and, you know, it's. It's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What did it look like?

[Dave Anthony]

Like what? Huh? What's. Which. Which thing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which. Is the cat alive?

[Dave Anthony]

Open? Yeah, it's alive, but it's open now What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The leg is. The leg's still on the cat.

[Dave Anthony]

I just need. I need a little bit more just to, you know, figure this out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You give me two more bumps, I can get that cat's leg back to normal by tomorrow.

[Dave Anthony]

Need a couple grains exposing tissues and muscle. And kept the animal on my desk for hours watching the circulation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Dave Anthony]

Dissected a live cat's leg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jeffrey Dahmer.

[Jenny Tien]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then he just watched the blood go through it.

[Dave Anthony]

The cat's like I trusted you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

There was no pain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There was no pain. Trust me. The cat was into it.

[Dave Anthony]

The jug exercising a soothing effect. Are you talking about for you or the cat?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Me. The cat's dead.

[Dave Anthony]

Next, I began experimenting on myself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that I like better. So I cut my own leg open. And then I put the cat's leg inside of my leg. Leg. And very little changed.

[Dave Anthony]

I found that the anesthetic influence of cocaine is limited.

[Jenny Tien]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Turns out it hurt. Turns out it wasn't a good idea to cut my leg open.

[Jenny Tien]

It was not okay that whole time, actually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I guess the cat was just super chill because it hurt.

[Dave Anthony]

Like I experimented on. Experimented on myself again and again to see just how far is this to the mayor? I don't know if this is to the mayor.

[Jenny Tien]

I was thinking that as well. I'm like, is this.

[Dave Anthony]

This.

[Jenny Tien]

Is he still reporting all of this to the mayor? This is so much detail of I failed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Just like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then I kept experimenting the Mary's like, buddy, you are a cokehead.

[Dave Anthony]

To see just how far this limited. This. This limit extended. And learned just where and when and how to give injections.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm like a man of science, so I. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Physicians then believed that the effect of the drug were similar to those of morphine. To disprove this, I tried actual cautery by applying it to my body. Red hot irons. What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

So he's. He's burning himself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

But I felt no pain. He's doing cocaine and burning himself. Hey, buddy. So we're gonna cut you off. You know what I mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why?

[Dave Anthony]

It seems like the experiments are getting really weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Warmed up.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm gonna take my ey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Watch me do this line and fall in fire.

[Dave Anthony]

For three. Wait. Oh, no. I felt no pain. And there was not the slightest sensation as the flesh withered under the heated irons. For three months, dear Mayor, for three months, every day for a half an hour, I experimented with the drug and often passed several hours of the night in its study before a mirror, watching its effects on myself. Wow. So he's doing blow and staring at himself in a mirror.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

This is. This is how you do it. This is how you do drugs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now we know to do cocaine off the mirror.

[Dave Anthony]

But I never realized that it was obtaining a mastery over me. It's fascinating. Well, that happened a long time ago, my friend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was weird. All of a sudden I started to think maybe I'm doing a little too much.

[Dave Anthony]

Its fascinating powers were unknown to the profession. I Was thunderstruck when I found that the drug was absolutely necessary to my mind and body. I believe I could have conquered the habit then were it not for a misunderstanding with the man from whom I rented my home.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, what?

[Dave Anthony]

He's saying he. He's now addicted?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

And he could have overcome the addiction, but there was a misunderstood guy was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, hey, I saw you cut open a cat. You need to get the out of here.

[Jenny Tien]

He's like, no, it's not what it looks like. It was very important. I was writing to the mayor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, this is all an experiment. The mayor has asked me to do this. I did not. Okay, let's all just. Just settle down. We're all getting somewhere. Medically, the cat's dead.

[Dave Anthony]

The whole look, it's all. By the way, if I could just get like a couple more. Couple more weeks on the rent, like, I, I, you know, I'm not. I don't have it yet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't realize that you didn't want me looking in the mirror naked. Coked up after I cut open a cat's leg. On, yeah, it's like, you tell me. I'm listening.

[Dave Anthony]

That should be in the lease.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I didn't know. This is all new to us.

[Dave Anthony]

He wanted his house. And when I refused to vacate it, my weakness was made. A point by which I was dragged into an insane court. He said, he's a crazy. He's a full on addict. And the guy's like, you got to move out, man. You're not paying rent?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

Can I pay you in cat legs?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about no? I'm gonna stay here.

[Dave Anthony]

Persecution and publicity drove me to desperate extremes at the Washington home. No one knew how to treat my dise. Everybody knows the rest. How I went to the gutter and lost everything. With all your experience with cocaine, how do you now regard it? Asked a reporter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was awesome. It was the best thing ever. Worst thing I did was write a letter to the mayor. Made me feel real weird. And if I just closed those blinds, I'd still have that apartment.

[Dave Anthony]

I think it is a grand drug with remarkable properties and destined to take the place of ether and chloroform. It can be used without danger of death. It produces no nausea or prostration. It is a great specific for nervous diseases, for certain diseases of the spine, for paralysis, for tetanitis, for hydrophobia and other convulsions. Just like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How dare you say cocaine cures paralyzed analysis?

[Dave Anthony]

It's insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've seen paralyzed men jog after a bump.

[Dave Anthony]

It will unite with other anti spasmodics and intensify their action. I think I know more about cocaine than most men, but I have no comprehensive ideas of its possibilities. Scientists are the only. Are only in the experimental stage with it.

[Jenny Tien]

He's like, and I am a scientist and I experiments.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I did everything. I tried.

[Dave Anthony]

I tried every single experiment in a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Lab with a bunch of equipment just like, doing it off his hand. Like, cool.

[Jenny Tien]

We love it. Men in stem. Fantastic.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. Well, that was good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was worth the that. You're right, it was long, but that's. That's how you do it.

[Dave Anthony]

A foot race for a bride.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I think that means she's not into it.

[Dave Anthony]

This is how it works here. You challenge a guy to a race, and if you win, you get to marry the lady.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that would not surprise me if that's how it worked.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. If you want a hand, beat her in a race.

[Dave Anthony]

A novel foot race took place at Chattanooga, the prize being nothing less than the hand of a mountain maid. Polly Andrews. What do you think about Mountain Maids?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mountain Matt. That. Let's see what pornhub thinks of a mountain man.

[Dave Anthony]

I wonder if he typed mountain made into pornhub.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not going to find out. The last time I went on pornhub. Yeah, the last time I went on pornhub, I was like, I'm going to have a seizure. There's just. What is happening?

[Dave Anthony]

It's like, buddy gotten pretty weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's like. Like, tease me a little bit. It's crying taste. It's just like. I don't need the whole menu. I want to earn it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I hear you. Tom Mitchell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When I was a boy, men left magazines in forests.

[Dave Anthony]

They did. Tom Mitchell and John Van Leet sued for her favor, and she was unable to decide between them. They, being in earnest, proposed a duel, to which the girl demurred, realizing that if one were killed and the other a fugitive, she would lose both. As the crucial test.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you understand why men should not be in charge of society like this?

[Dave Anthony]

Sounds great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Simply listen to what was pitched. And then she was like. Or you could race each other. Okay. Yeah, I guess that's pretty good, too. We plan on killing each other. Well, then one of you would go to jail. Right? Right. Oh, just jog for me.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi.

[Dave Anthony]

As the crucial test, she decided upon a foot race from the Tennessee river to Fairmount on the summit of Walden's Ridge, a matter of 10 miles. Well, that's. I like that much of it a steep climb. Well, this is actually a nightmare.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like this.

[Dave Anthony]

You do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, you got an issue with mountain.

[Dave Anthony]

Maid logic guy, Jenny, how would you pick your spouse? Would this be the way?

[Jenny Tien]

You know what? I reckon it's still better than Hinge right now, you know.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Jenny Tien]

You know the song I will walk 100 miles? You know, this is not 100, it's 10, which is pretty close.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have even worse news for you, Jenny. It is 500 miles. The Proclaimers are talking.

[Jenny Tien]

Oh, you're so right. See? Okay, so 500. There we go. So that's a pretty far distance. Them doing 10 miles. At least they're doing something, you know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jenny Tien]

I think with. With today's, you know, you know, Hinge and apps and whatever where you do like such minimal effort. I would prefer someone climbing some kind of mountain and me being like the mate at the very top. That feels more romantic to me than. Than swiping. I'm for it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How great would it be if you got to the top of the mountain and it's just like a nerdy teenager is like, I made up that I was a mountain babe. What?

[Dave Anthony]

Sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was just around online and then I started to develop weird feelings for you.

[Dave Anthony]

Do I do cocaine with my cat?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ. The other guy's behind. Oh, man. She got her first. What? She's not even real.

[Dave Anthony]

Dude, I'm Terry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? How are you still like to pursue something?

[Jenny Tien]

Imagine if the mountain may just didn't like that person and then they just pushed every guy that they didn't like off that mountain.

[Dave Anthony]

Perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's just a pile of bodies for 10 miles.

[Dave Anthony]

The men started at 2pm and at 5:10, Van Leet reached the goal a country post office. His rival came in a bad second. Fifteen minutes later, the beaten man accepted the situation and Ms. Polly accepted the winner. Wow. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Crazy. I mean, crazy to be that torn, like to have no opinion to the point where like whoever gets to the top of the mountain first.

[Dave Anthony]

First, Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like. It's like the pay what you weigh of marriages.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, if you like both guys and maybe you're just like, well, the one that get here first would be in better shape. I don't know.

[Jenny Tien]

Yeah, yeah, maybe, you know, maybe people are obsessed with marathons now. You know, they want to win them. We think highly of them for some reason. So maybe that's the old marathon back in the day.

[Dave Anthony]

Might be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it could be.

[Dave Anthony]

I feel like we should go on. I think we should go on hinge and maybe make fake profiles that say, like, if you run 10 miles up this mountain, I will. I will.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got bad news for you, man. Most every guy's gonna be like, well, that.

[Jenny Tien]

That's what I'm saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're already like, yeah, yeah. If someone gets to the top of the mountain, they're like, I'm invested in this. Whereas like, if they show up now, they're like, yeah, all right, I probably should get going.

[Jenny Tien]

Yeah. They're like, yeah. So we're splitting the bill on this one, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Okay. You had a little bit.

[Jenny Tien]

Yeah, yeah. So we got to do it evenly. You had some dessert?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, like, for being fair, like, equality is so important to me. That's why I would hold the door open for a woman and insist on splitting every tab.

[Jenny Tien]

Yeah, yeah. She's her own person. She could do it herself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. She's like, got it. I love that about women now. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Hair grew after death.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it does, by the bye.

[Dave Anthony]

Mine does.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

It's still growing hair braids 10ft long. Found in a coffin 20 years buried 10ft. A prominent citizen of Warren Summit, New Hampshire, recently caused the body of his mother to be disinterred for the purpose of burying it in another spot. When it was found that the coffin was completely enwrapped with the strains of the ladies hair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. So she like.

[Dave Anthony]

That is really awful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That is horrifying.

[Dave Anthony]

Awful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is horrifying.

[Jenny Tien]

That's scary to a corpse because you have to also cut the hair after, you know, to make sure it's good for the next grave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you're doing the spray at the end. You want to make sure you like the back. There you go. That is crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

The grave being filled with the silky masses which had to be cut through before the coffin could be removed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's nuts.

[Dave Anthony]

Upon opening the coffin, the remains, with the exception of the head, were found to have perished. But the skull was a hairy skull. But the skull was wonderfully preserved.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Weirdo.

[Dave Anthony]

And even the skin intact. And from skin, 20 years. Yeah, sure. If you. If you take care.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm alive.

[Dave Anthony]

Of all people, you should know your skin will hang around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll still be doing skincare in the grave.

[Dave Anthony]

And. And from this had grown a quantity of hair such as no living person could carry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

The lady had been dead nearly 20 years. And at the time of her decease, her magnificent suit of hair had been cleaned, clipped short. So there's no doubt of all that was found in the coffin. Having grown after death. Her son says, however, that his mother's hair was a beautiful, bright golden hue, whereas the post mortem growth is of a pale, colorless tinge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why did they.

[Dave Anthony]

Dingy and coarse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why are we digging her up, though?

[Dave Anthony]

Retaining assertive vitality.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why are we digging her up?

[Jenny Tien]

That's a great question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have we gotten it, like, if, if you reached me for comment about my mother's, I would be like, hey, what are you doing?

[Dave Anthony]

I think at 20 years you dig them up just to see what's going on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, if that's our blanket policy, I'm actually okay with it. Every 20 years you get dug up.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I, I know I can't go to the game tomorrow. It's my mom's 20. Pick her up. Check her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Exhuming human.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow, look at those toenails.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jenny Tien]

Oh, the embalmer did a great job on this one. Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really juiced her good.

[Dave Anthony]

Had forced its way through the seams of the coffin, entwined about it like the tendrils of a vine, and was so thick as to hide it completely while it filled the coffin entirely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is so crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

It's horrifying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just take, you open the coffin.

[Dave Anthony]

And it's just hair, A big mass of hair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Growing. Scary.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Jenny Tien]

Fingernails also grow when you're dead as well. That's scary too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's horrible. It was hair and, like, you just open it, you're like, oh, my gosh. Just nails and hair. It's so gross.

[Dave Anthony]

It was calculated that there was nearly £75 of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, shut up.

[Dave Anthony]

Have you ever not, have you not weighed hair? Do you not weigh hair? Shut up. I, I, that's how I, that's how I know if I need a haircut. I'm like, well, it's £7 now, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are we doing? Can you just take two pounds off the back like a deli counter? Just cut it thin. Two pounds would be great. It's a little over. That's fine.

[Dave Anthony]

The strands are nearly 10ft in length. The lady on whose head this grew died at the age of 27 and after an illness of only a few hours, consequently retaining her robust and full inhabited figure, which may possibly count the extraordinary growth. She was, she was a buxom lady.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the is this guy saying?

[Dave Anthony]

She, she was really put together, you know what I mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Her hair kept growing and her body was smoking hot when we, when we.

[Dave Anthony]

Opened it, guys, we got in there and the body was banging.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's a freaking 10, dude.

[Jenny Tien]

Body 10.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here we go, dude, I swear to God, if it blinked, I'd have hit it.

[Dave Anthony]

We got in there to look at the ass and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. So the reason why we exhumed it was cuz we thought that your mom was still gonna be our smoke show. And she still is hot as hairy as hell. Though she grew a beard when it.

[Dave Anthony]

Was removed from about the coffin, the ladder fell apart, showing that it held together by the hair. Oh, the body, I think. I think the body fell apart. The body was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I don't. I don't think this should be in a paper.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not as hot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is horrible.

[Dave Anthony]

So we gave your mom a haircut and she just kind of, you know, that was it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we shaved your mom's head and she shattered.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, that one was upsetting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's really. That'll stick with me. I'm not going to lie to you.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a creep show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That'll stick with me.

[Jenny Tien]

So visual. The whole thing. Oh, the wonderful skull, the voluptuous body, the £72 is so descriptive. It's a horror movie.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ, we should be burned.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. The thumb ring. It has taken a long while for the thumb ring to make any headway in New York, but it is very slowly gaining ground.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can you imagine reading this paper and being ready to move on to the thumb ring article after what you just read about hair?

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jungling over a woman?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Now it's time to talk about the thumb ring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Anyway, people are wearing rings on their thumbs. Wait, why did you dig up the woman anyway? Shut up. People are putting rings on. On their thumbs.

[Jenny Tien]

How crazy is that today? Enough lifting, you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, let's shift the gears. Piercing their ears.

[Dave Anthony]

Mr. Dixie was the first man to wear a ring upon his thumb. And he has clung to it tenaciously for two years. Oh, is it. This is when there was so little happening. They were just like, did you hear about. Did you hear about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, and he like walked into a.

[Dave Anthony]

Bar and they're like, like, what, Dixie, what's happening with you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you can have a whiskey if you take that ring off your. You out of your mind?

[Jenny Tien]

He's like, no, the thumb, it stays here. It's the one thing I have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're disgusting.

[Dave Anthony]

Look at what I can do on the bar, huh? Tippity tap, tap. That's with my thumb. This guy hear that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like what he's doing. Shut up.

[Dave Anthony]

It is a plain gold band worn just below the joint. And it was placed there at first merely as a lark. This Is a joke, everyone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm playing a bit of a prank on you. I don't know if you've noticed, but I put a ring on my. My thumb.

[Jenny Tien]

Oh, so silly. Oh, my gosh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop it.

[Jenny Tien]

Oh, my goodness. I can't stop laughing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But that night, I went home and I'd never felt more like myself.

[Jenny Tien]

This is the real me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The laugh was that I had not been putting a ring on my thumb for all those years prior.

[Dave Anthony]

It is. It. It excited so much talk among the people who knew the burlesque actor that he has refused.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Actor?

[Jenny Tien]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A male burlesque actor. I just stand up there and gawk at their ankles.

[Dave Anthony]

That he has refused to take the ring off and has worn it ever since. Actors always have a certain following among young men whose brains are not of dangerous weight. We gotta bring that back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is, we gotta bring the greatest way to describe an idiot.

[Dave Anthony]

Joe Rogan. His brain is not dangerous.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I came up with. I. I came up with the best one, too. Combo question for Trump. If you could ever interview him, this is what I would do. The first one is, I would say, how much higher is your IQ than Biden's? And I'd let him cook for five minutes on how his IQ is better. And then my follow up would be, what does IQ stand for?

[Dave Anthony]

That would. Yeah, that would be pretty good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That would be like, doesn't hurts in it. Doesn't stand for anything. Anything.

[Dave Anthony]

The small things have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

Whose brains are not of dangerous weight and who are capable of devoting their energies to small things.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

The small things have taken the form of a thumb ring. And there is a very considerable portion of rather young men about town who are following Mr. Dixie's example. So it's a fad, but they're mad at it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I cannot imagine reading a thing about a woman enveloped in hair, in a coffin and feeling okay to discuss thumb fashion.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, last one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep. Ladies writing man fashion. An attempt made to induce the ladies to abandon the side saddle.

[Jenny Tien]

Oh, yes.

[Dave Anthony]

They want them to stop riding side saddle now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Side saddle. Just legs on one side. Yeah, yeah, right.

[Dave Anthony]

You can't have the legs.

[Jenny Tien]

I. I know about this from. Have you guys seen Princess Diaries, too?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jenny, it is a great shame that on behalf of the show, we've not.

[Dave Anthony]

A great question for us, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I'll tell you what. If the greatest thing that would have ever happened is if Dave was like, yeah, for sure.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That whole plot. How does it relate to the Princess Diaries, too?

[Jenny Tien]

There's a scene in Princess Diaries 2 where because she's a royal, she's meant to ride sidesaddle but she can't because it's really, it feels really unnatural. So what they do is they got her like a fake leg to make it look like she was riding side saddle. But then in the scene someone like somehow the leg drops off and then everyone's what's happening. So that's how I know about sides.

[Dave Anthony]

That's pretty good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is. I. I cannot. So what is the logic there that it's unwomanly to.

[Dave Anthony]

It's literally just don't have your leg spread.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what's so amazing is the. What's so weird about dudes is the unbridled perversion. And yet like you would be like, yeah, okay, so like if you're a man in this area, you'd be like, yeah, open your legs. But instead they're just like decorum does it. Where they're like, no, you're just sinning.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. If you have your. If you're writing, not writing. Sid saddle, you're ruined.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not to me, boys.

[Dave Anthony]

Efforts have been made to introduce among ladies the fashion of riding astride their horses instead of using the less safe side saddle. Oh, because they're getting hurt all the time. Cuz they're r. Because they're riding it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like a crazy risk we're willing to take as men.

[Dave Anthony]

Some have to die.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, obviously the numbers of death are too high. But what is the alternative? Them having their legs open? I don't think so.

[Jenny Tien]

Because the ladies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, of course. It's just not okay.

[Dave Anthony]

The subject was discussed a year ago in many of the papers. But as the ladies did not encourage it, the idea was dropped.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, again, it is the fault of the women for not.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it was clearly their fault in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The 1890s for not screaming their way wants.

[Dave Anthony]

But it bobs up now and then and it is possible it will finally be adopted. The position is not an unnatural one. The women of half civilized tribes in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is shocking and not okay already.

[Dave Anthony]

The India, Indians, the Caris, the Tartars, etc always ride astride. So do the Mexicans, Albanians, Romanians and the people of some Austrian province provinces.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stephen Miller's diary got opened.

[Dave Anthony]

It was a general custom in Germany as late as the end of the 20th 12th century.

[Gareth Reynolds]

12Th century.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, yeah, everyone's like looking at.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Going, what are you doing chest us. Oh wait, this is the only way. Hi, I'm the guy who opened a cat's leg. And let me tell you why women can't have their legs open, but also.

[Dave Anthony]

To do that they would have to wear pants. Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

But surely there's no pants wearing at this time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that's what it is. That's what I think.

[Jenny Tien]

You could still do it. According to Princess Diaries, when I watched this.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The documentary.

[Jenny Tien]

Yeah, yeah. As we know it, you can still do it with like. Like a skirt. Like a really long skirt. You can still do it that way as well. And then because the skirt's so long, it covers everything.

[Dave Anthony]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the fake leg. That's how you get the fake leg. The length of the dress, to me was. Would be very important into pulling the fake leg off.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not pulling it off. Fooling people with it. Because the last thing we want is that leg pulled off.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because everyone's aghast and the cat's out of the bag. Speaking of the cat being out of the bag, let's cut its leg open and do a line.

[Dave Anthony]

There is no doubt that such a mode of riding is both safer and more graceful. The costume, of course, complies with. With propriety and models have already been given. The illustration shows the costume proposed. So it's just basically terrible drawing of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A woman on a horse with her.

[Dave Anthony]

Legs and she's got a hat. Top hat looking thing on and. Yeah. She's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh. So it looks like almost like a skirt that is slit in the front so that they can put the. Their legs astride. Right. Okay. We are very weird people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

The body is made. I think it's body. The body is made in the usual jacket shape and the loose skirt divided up the back and front, but so provided with buttons as to be enclosed at will.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is so crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Even during a sharp gallop, it covers the drapes. It covers and drapes the writer's limbs. And by the most awkward mounting and dismounting is equally decent. Can't see the goods.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just crazy. I don't know what. America is just so goddamn stupid.

[Dave Anthony]

Beneath its fold come tight fitting black, black chots, tricots.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No idea.

[Dave Anthony]

Or if preferred, wide cloth or velvet trousers. The reform is in the hands of earnest women who are pushing it vigorously. It is not likely that it will again be dropped.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The men are like, but it'll probably not do because what do they know? What do they know about how they feel?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, dudes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, dudes are chill.

[Dave Anthony]

Dudes are cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, welcome to America, Jenny. Welcome to the. Welcome to the party. Wow.

[Jenny Tien]

What a beautiful introduction to the history of this place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. I really gave you a good crash course. And what this, what you're going through, it's gonna be awesome.

[Dave Anthony]

Australia is no less up. The history of Australia is pretty whack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not good history. But right now you'd rather her being Australia, Giving the emergency hatch is a good thing.

[Dave Anthony]

Although she just moved to America, so she disagrees. She's here to conquer America.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you can conquer America and not drink the Kool Aid. That's the key.

[Jenny Tien]

Let's see how possible that is. Yeah. Or in two years time, I'll be like, bye, guys. Actually, I'm back in Australia now. It was so much better.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll be there with you riding our legs on the side of a horse. Well, Jenny, I'm. We're all excited for you to go to Australia to tour and to tour here. And we will, when we put this episode out, we'll link to all your stuff and people can follow you and find you and enjoy the ride with their legs open on the saddle if they want.

[Dave Anthony]

And cocaine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And cocaine.

[Jenny Tien]

That's the way. That's the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you for joining us. We appreciate it.

[Jenny Tien]

Thank you so much for having me. This was so much fun.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, we'll do it again. Again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's up, doll heads? Just a reminder, always throw those doll heads on stage. We love them. Hey, Gareth Reynolds here. I will be at Rooster T Feathers in Sunnyvale, California, November 6th through November 8th. I'll be at the Omaha Funny Bone the 28th and 29th of November. And I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia, on December 2nd. Seattle, December 3rd, and Eugene, December 4th. Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.