152 - The Past Times with Knowledge Fight

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop - Episode 152: The Past Times with Knowledge Fight

Main Theme

In this episode of The Dollop: The Past Times, comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Dan Friesen and Jordan Holmes from the Knowledge Fight podcast. Together, they dive into selections from the Chicago Chronicle newspaper dated May 1, 1896, riffing on the news, cultural oddities, and wild personalities of the era. The hosts' signature comedic style blends genuine historical curiosity with absurd, rapid-fire banter, while the guests—renowned for analyzing fringe media—bring their own irreverent takes. The episode explores themes of media sensationalism, societal anxieties, and timeless human weirdness.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction, Banter & Podcasting Realities (00:00–04:44)

• Announcements about upcoming live events and charity, playful jokes about watching Cats ("Dave, are you excited?" – A, 00:44).
• The guests discuss their podcast Knowledge Fight, which involves dissecting conspiratorial media figures like Alex Jones and Tucker Carlson.
• "You've really made an error with your lives." – B to C/D, on choosing their podcast topic (04:01).

2. Guessing the Date & Setting the Stage (06:15–08:08)

• The group attempts to guess the year of the newspaper, poking fun at each other's logic and guessing strategies.
• The correct date is revealed: 1896. The closeness to the guess leads to a stream of "Dumb Will Hunting" and apple jokes.

3. Historic Headlines—Absurd Realities (09:00–47:00)

Escaped Lunatic and Chicago Stereotypes (09:00–15:00)

• Story: Michael Jablonski, asylum escapee, claims to be richer than the Vanderbilts.
• The comedians create an entire mythical Chicago persona out of Jablonski, riffing on Polish names and local stereotypes.
• "Who’s opposed to the behavior? I'll start—I'm in." – A (11:18)
• "Are you telling me Jablonski left the asylum? Jablonski's out again. God damn it." – D (09:25/09:49)

Floatation Experiments: Victorian Pseudoscience (15:05–19:00)

• Absurd article describes inflating men with air to make them float.
• The hosts mock the dangerous and pointless science: “So, sharks, I'm looking for $50,000 for five.” – A, parodying Shark Tank (17:31)
• C and D point out the cavalier attitude toward human experimentation.

The Missouri Ghost (21:04–26:46)

• Article: Suburb haunted by a screaming female specter.
• "She's like a horror chicken. She's like the worst rooster ever." – A (21:38)
• Group comments on media bias against ghosts, gendered ghost terminology, and the “annoying” nature of some hauntings.

The Quaranta Murder Case, Satanic Panic & Devil Contracts (27:09–39:33)

• Murder mystery with devil-worship overtones; discussion of secret societies, Satanic compacts.
• “You give Satan your soul, then for 20 years, he'll do whatever you want him to.” – A (32:54)
• "This is a devil you can trust. Yeah. He’ll do whatever you want." – D (39:00)

The Pigeon That Kills Chickens (47:50–53:00)

• Disbelieving coverage of a ‘butcherbird’ pigeon reportedly snapping chicken necks for fun.
• “How can a pigeon break a chicken’s neck?” – B (52:34)
• The group suspects this is just someone lying for fun, a theme in both past and present media.

Cases of Suicide & Victorian Attitude (54:51–57:53)

• Review of a creatively executed suicide by gunpowder, noting the sensational and congratulatory tone of the news coverage.
• “If I were the editor, I would not start with a congratulation for the creativity…” – C (57:18)

Sane or Insane: The Forging Teen (42:24–47:42)

• William Pryor, a 17-year-old forger, is judged on his heavy smoking/drinking instead of his crimes or actual mental health.
• The panel mocks the old press penchant for embellishment and exaggeration.

4. Johnny Appleseed Segment (62:33–80:10)

• The last part of the episode pivots to an extended story about Johnny Appleseed, his eccentricities, and his peculiar apparel.
• Discussion of myths vs. gritty realities of American folk heroes—his smelly habits, arguments about fashion (multiple hats, coffee sack clothing), and his legacy.
• “He is a flawed messenger. The messiah had a pot on its head… there’s something to that idea… the general thinking behind everything he was doing is great.” – A (79:31)
• Wild flights into speculative comedy about historical figures trysting with ghosts.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Media Personalities:

• "Tucker Carlson's laugh, for sure. By the single thing." – C (04:40)
• "Tucker Carlson's a fucking... He needs to be in a toilet somewhere getting a swirly." – D (04:50)

On the Nature of News:

• "This should not have been printed. No, honestly, it's only bad for a society." – B (18:43)
• “It would be fun if you're watching a documentary about Jeffrey Dahmer and the news says there's a pigeon killing these people.” – D (53:53)

Ghosts & the Supernatural:

• "Men are ghosts, women are apparitions." – A (21:18)
• "Well, if you want your ghost, I'll go out there at night and shoot it." – A (26:14)
• "It is an annoying ghost though, to just stand under a tree screaming." – A (22:19)

Devil Contracts:

• “You give Satan your soul, then for 20 years, he'll do whatever you want him to.” – A (32:54)
• "This is a devil you can trust. Yeah, he'll do whatever you want." – D (39:00)

On Johnny Appleseed:

• "He is a flawed messenger. The messiah had a pot on its head…there's something to that idea… the general thinking behind everything he was doing is great." – A (79:31)

Absurd Crimes and Explanations:

• “It's just a kid who smokes and drinks.” – C (47:38)
• “This guy's numerous other unnatural and eccentric actions…This is Andy Dick.” – A (45:00)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment | |-----------|----------------------------------------------| | 00:00–04:44 | Introductions, podcast banter | | 06:15–08:08 | Guessing newspaper year & banter | | 09:00–15:00 | Escaped lunatic & Chicago character comedy | | 15:05–19:00 | Man-floatation by air injection | | 21:04–26:46 | Missouri suburb ghost story | | 27:09–39:33 | Quaranta murder, satanic pacts | | 42:24–47:42 | William Pryor—Teen forger insanity trial | | 47:50–53:00 | The pigeon that kills chickens | | 54:51–57:53 | Creative suicide report | | 62:33–80:10 | Johnny Appleseed segment & reflection |

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Tone and Format

This episode is spirited, irreverent, and darkly funny—typical of The Dollop. The addition of Knowledge Fight’s Dan and Jordan brings a meta-comedy about media and moral panics, blending historical absurdity with sharp, contemporary references. The conversation consistently bounces between improvisational character work, genuine curiosity about the past, and acerbic send-ups of both old-timey and modern media. Periodically, the group acknowledges the underlying sameness of human quirks across time.

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Summary

This is a quintessential Dollop: The Past Times episode—a wild, comedic exploration of America's weirdest footnotes and forgotten freakouts, powered by the hosts’ relentless riffing and the guests’ conspiratorial expertise. Together, they poke fun at 19th-century scandal, supernatural anxieties, and crackpot science, drawing parallels to the modern appetite for sensational media—a theme close to all four professionals’ comedic souls. The result is both informative and uproariously entertaining, with random detours into folklore, law enforcement, and the mechanics of 1890s ghost hunting.

Transcript

[A]

A couple things real quick on our YouTube, you can go there right now. And we started to post the animated Rube Waddell episode that we had with Lakeside Animation. We're starting to post that. That's the Dollop podcast. Go there and watch it. And we also, on November 24, are going to be doing a live event. Dave and I are going to be raising money for the Hollywood Food Coalition live on our YouTube at 6pm Pacific time where we are watching Cats the musical, the movie that everybody really was excited about. You can join us there at the Dollop podcast. That's our YouTube. Go there, join, subscribe, set the alarms and the alerts and comment and all that stuff. But we're going to be watching it live. Dave, are you excited?

[B]

No. But our friend Stu, who's been a listener for a long time, matched our goal and has already sent $10,000 thousand food coalition. So thank you, Stu. You are, as always, a great, great gentleman.

[A]

He, I mean, it's not on the GoFundMe. We've posted a link to the GoFundMe. You can go on our socials and find that. But Stu just gave them ten grand from us, so amazing. So we're watching Cats and it's supposed to be really good. So you can watch it live with us 6pm on November 24th. Hey everybody. Welcome to the Pastimes. It's a podcast. Some of us have cats present. By the way, we should get a cat for the studio. You know what we do here each week? We go through a newspaper in a picked out by none other than Dave Anthony from a random date in history. I, Gareth Reynolds Reynolds have never seen it. Neither have this week's guest. It's a twofer. What the hosts of Knowledge Fight. Dan and Jordan are here. Jordan Holmes, Dan Friesen, thank you for joining us.

[C]

Thanks for having us.

[D]

And yeah, thank you so much for having us.

[A]

And I was just talking to Jordan again about the story where I keep thinking I'm doing shows with him and then I keep going like, why am I doing a show with the Jordan? I don't know.

[B]

Do you remember when we went the.

[A]

Problem with never meeting someone face to face?

[D]

The number of people who do not respond to my emails. And yet you respond to other people's not my emails.

[A]

Well, the one time we went back and forth I think was through Twitter.

[D]

Sure. But I was crazy back then.

[A]

Well, you then you deleted Twitter like eight times.

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

So then I was, I was hard to track.

[B]

You, you're on it again, right? You're you're on Twitter now?

[D]

No, I'm off all social media. I'm basically the Internet pretty much.

[B]

Because you can't. You can't trust yourself, though.

[C]

One day he's just going to get into a fight with somebody who wrote an op ed and it's going to spiral out of control and they're gonna.

[A]

Their name's gonna be Gareth, and it's gonna be a final payback. Well, thank you guys for being here and sorry I didn't make it to lunch. When we were. Where were we? Chicago.

[B]

We were in Chicago and Gareth just decided not to come because he's not a nice person.

[C]

That's like.

[B]

There was no reason. There was no reason for it.

[A]

Well, Jordan's off the Internet. I'm off lunches. I don't.

[B]

And I was like, it was a great lunch. We had the best time.

[A]

Oh, he did talk it up a lot.

[C]

They did the cornbread. The cornbread.

[B]

The cornbread.

[D]

Sweet.

[B]

Cornbreaded it. We're. Yeah. It was.

[D]

At the risk of being sincere, we did really, genuinely have a nice time.

[A]

It was great. Thank you.

[D]

It's hard to wet friends in middle age, you know? Good to just have a talk with a man.

[A]

Well, that's the price. Get on the Internet, would you? That'll fill the hole.

[B]

The weather was perfect for outdoor dining. It was like a nice Chicago day.

[A]

Like, well, I'm only. I'm inside only, so I don't want to sit outside with you fringe loonies. Kamala.

[D]

Fair.

[B]

We should say that for people who don't know their podcast is Knowledge Fight, and they sadly have chosen. Yeah, maybe the worst. The worst choice for a podcast because they have to listen to people like Alex Jones and Tucker Carlson.

[A]

I was just gonna say, you've.

[B]

They've really made an error with their lives.

[A]

Yeah, we fucked up. You switched drugs a little bit and started being Tucker, guys.

[B]

What's that like?

[C]

And you know what's fucked up about that is that Alex Jo has one of the most annoying and awful voices you can have to listen to. And when we've started to cover Tucker, everyone is so mad about his voice. And, like, really? They're like, I want to listen to the angry, growly Texan guy. I don't want to listen to this.

[A]

Who the snarky wins in a. Who wins in a fight? As far as the worst thing to listen to? Alex Jones's voice or Tucker's laugh.

[C]

Tucker's life, for sure. By the single thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Do you know what it is it's like this, right? If Alex Jones is a bully, right?

[A]

Yes.

[D]

And if you get bullied by a bully, hey, that's how it works. Tucker Carlson's a fucking. He needs to be in a toilet somewhere getting a swirly. You don't want to get bullied by a nerd. That sucks.

[B]

That's. Yeah, that's 100% bully shit. He has always struck me as like he's the softest man on television. He looks like he was. He came out of the Pillsbury Doughboy. Like he's just a soft man.

[A]

He looks like he would be freaking out in a hunting shop about a duck collar.

[D]

I want my money back.

[B]

Just this bow tie.

[A]

Women have power.

[D]

Society collapses. Is that weird? I don't know. Some people think so.

[B]

When did he stop wearing the bow tie?

[C]

When he got shamed pretty hard.

[A]

Really?

[C]

I think Jon Stewart might have shamed him enough to get the bow tie gone. At least that's my memory. That's probably not.

[A]

Say what you will about Jon Stewart, there's a lot. He's really gone into the lion's den and sorted a number of beasts.

[C]

He really has fashion choices of awful people.

[D]

He did stop the Iraq war. Is that what we're talking about? He was like, oh, I'm gonna put the hypocrisy on bl. Yeah, the Iraq war is over.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. He was the Tiananmen Square guy, right?

[B]

Yeah, he loved. He loved it, I think.

[A]

Yeah, that's right.

[B]

Is that right?

[A]

Well guys, we're gonna go through a newspaper. It's gonna be old. We. We guess what year the paper is from since there's two of you. This is going to complicate Dave's cheating ways, but why don't you guys have.

[B]

A chance that you won already?

[A]

Do you wanna. Dan, do you. Dave. Dan, do you want to guess first? What year you think this paper could be from?

[C]

Yeah, I'm going to say 1932.

[A]

Good guess. Jordan, you're off the Internet. Maybe that helps.

[D]

You know what I think? I think we're queued up for some good shit. So I'm going to go with 1881.

[A]

I'm going to go with 1899.

[B]

Oh, you're wrong. It is 1896. So if we split, if we split into the middle, I think that I.

[A]

Was three years off. That's incredible.

[B]

I think that they win because my guess is phenomenal. The one that's in the middle is the loss and the book ends are the winners. Cuz there's three people it's like listening.

[A]

To Dumb Will Hunting.

[B]

No, there's three. Three?

[D]

I don't know. That's Price is Right. Showcase rules can't go over.

[A]

No, you can go over.

[B]

Can we make Dumb wheel hunting dumb?

[A]

They just come back at the chalkboards like a pen. This the hell? What is this?

[D]

How about them? Wait, is it a pineapple?

[A]

You like apples? Yeah, I do. I love them. I love apples.

[D]

They got a really nice crunch.

[A]

Like Pink Ladies. Those are my favorites.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Dumb Will Hunting.

[B]

May 1, 1896, the Chicago Chronicle.

[A]

Ooh, cuz. You guys close to home?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. You boys. Hometown people.

[A]

Hey, maybe we'll talk about that cornbread we were all munching up at lunch the other day.

[C]

I swear, if there's not an article about the cornbread in this 1800s.

[A]

How good was that? And that waitress. Whoa. With the fingers. That was crazy. So can you guys hear us? I just want to make. Because nobody's reacting. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

[B]

It's not. It hasn't been good.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So our. Our selector of articles wrote. I picked articles that sounded like it was about Alex Jones. A conspiracy theory Alex Jones would make up or a news story he would put on. Bring up on Infowars. And Dan and Jordan can be the judge of which category.

[A]

I don't like the creative.

[B]

I do. I'm all for it.

[A]

Preston's taking.

[B]

You know, he's. He's mad with power.

[A]

He should be fought.

[B]

But I. Here's the reason I like it is because I don't have to do anything.

[A]

I said that again. A big issue for me. I like you. Tired and angry at me.

[B]

Fled from the asylum. Escaped lunatic, arrested. That's about you, huh? Michael Jablonski, a laborer. A laborer.

[D]

That's the most Chicago name for the time period ever. I feel like you just wrote an entire book of Polish jokes. You just.

[B]

You're.

[D]

You're offensive.

[C]

He escaped.

[A]

You're offensive.

[C]

He escaped from the asylum to go get a beef know.

[D]

Oh, are you telling me Jablonsky left the asylum? Jablonski's out again. God damn it.

[C]

Needed some giarda.

[A]

It's definitely like if you ask Chat GPT for a Chicago name.

[C]

Jab.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

He's the Jablonsky kid. They put him in the asylum, but he took off.

[D]

Oh, my God. Jablonski's out again.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Has anyone been to Jablonski's room? He's just used the sheets at the window again.

[D]

Have you. Do you Know what he did at the barbecue? Do you know what he fucking did? Okay.

[B]

Fucking Jablonski.

[A]

Jablonski ruined my birthday.

[B]

Jablonski's drinking again, boys. He's back on it.

[C]

Hide your malor.

[A]

Don't play Paradise. Jablonski's coming in. Hey, what's going on? Jablonski.

[D]

Hey, you know what the news on Jablonski is? Oh, God. Found him. The program. The program worked. Found God. Getting a drink with him later.

[A]

Did you hear Jablonski got kicked out of the church?

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah, he freaked out. Kicked the priest.

[D]

Is the story of Chicago. That's.

[A]

That's the. Did you hear Jablonski starting his own religion?

[B]

It's about sausages.

[A]

It's Sausage.

[B]

A laborer living at 4852 Cook Street. You guys know where that is?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Was sent to Dunning some weeks ago because he persisted in trying to make people believe he was richer than the Vanderbilts and abused his family when they would not believe him. Well. Well, I mean, who's.

[A]

Who's opposed to the behavior? Because I'll start. I'm in.

[C]

I'm good with Is very Chicago to make yourself seem richer than you are.

[B]

That.

[C]

That checks out.

[B]

This is. This is considerably richer.

[A]

So I headbutted mom because she said I wasn't a Vanderbilt. She's got this enormous attitude.

[D]

I was gonna say. I'm trying to think of the actual real world context where this guy is insinuating to his kids, like, hey, did you know I'm a Vanderbilt? Why are you saying this, Dad? I don't. I didn't. I didn't ask.

[B]

Because Daddy bought you a train, right?

[D]

Why. Why is he doing this to his children?

[A]

So you guys know your dad's a Vanderbilt?

[D]

Basically, what we didn't ask.

[A]

Dad, I have a lot of money and I have it in a lot of places.

[D]

That's great. That's great. That's great. Just don't hit us.

[B]

That's why I got a whole sausage religion now.

[A]

I gotta go fight your grandpa. I'll be right back.

[B]

Okay?

[C]

Your grandpa says I'm poor.

[A]

Your grandpa's got this crazy. Your grandpa needs to be in an asylum. He's a real kiplansky.

[C]

Is this.

[B]

What.

[C]

Is this what landed Jablansky in the asylum?

[B]

Is this.

[C]

Is what we're saying?

[B]

Is he. Yeah, I think so.

[D]

Not the. Hitting his kids. That's crazy.

[B]

Honestly, the way. The way the pacing is going, we may never get there. We may just say.

[D]

How many articles do you have queued up. Or do we just got to get through this first sentence or two?

[A]

Each episode is five sentences. Five sentences of actual text.

[B]

In some manner, he escaped from the institution and yesterday reappeared at his old home, much to the consternation of his relatives.

[A]

I like that. He does that in, like, a smoke cloud.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

In some manner.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

That needs to be explored.

[A]

Oh, no, no. Now, who said I ain't a Vanderbilt?

[B]

Would a. Would a non Vanderbilt have this many sausages in his pockets?

[A]

Jesus Christ, Jablansky.

[B]

The stockyards police. All right, so it's the stockyard. So the stockyards police were notified, and he was taken to the station and will be returned to the asylum.

[A]

You boys. I can give you a lot of money to not take me downtown. I don't know if you heard. I'm doing quite well.

[D]

I don't. I don't like this plan at all. I don't like this plan at all. You guys don't have. You haven't figured out in what manner he escaped? You can't just take him back right away, right? You gotta figure out the. You're just. You're just leaving the door open for another mouse, my friend.

[B]

Yeah, there's a lot of holes.

[C]

I'm guessing it was the door. You know, like, this is the 1800s. Yeah, he probably timed it right and just walked out.

[B]

That's right. Yeah.

[A]

How the hell did Houdini get out of this room? Hey, Kevin, the door's open. Yeah, he really. He said, and I quote, I won't leave. This guy's a genius.

[B]

Daniel McCaffrey, a saloon owner at Root street, was locked up in the stockyard station yesterday. His relatives think that his mind is impaired. McCafferty has been ailing lately. Oh, they just threw that in?

[D]

That's just a separate guy.

[B]

That's a separate guy they just tossed in. Sure. This guy's also. This guy's also off it.

[A]

Also, McAffrey's a problem. Also, McAffrey's been struggling.

[B]

Hey, we did.

[A]

It's like an IR report.

[B]

Look, we. We did a story about a Polish guy. We gotta throw in some kind of Irish thing in there.

[A]

Jablonsky's out for the year, but McCaffrey's not looking like he'll play for a while either.

[D]

Now, starting for your Chicago asylums.

[B]

How a man may float. Ah, this is about witches. Finally, it has been proved that A man weighing 160 pounds needs only about 200 cubic inches of air within his body in order to float with his head above water.

[A]

Is it. Is the other Willy Wonka completely insane?

[B]

Like, why would you want to know that? What? What could this serve, sir?

[A]

How much air to make a man be a balloon?

[D]

Kids, kids, hear this. It takes 200 some odd for the. I am a Vanderbilt. God damn it.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Look at your blood. I' jaboti's going through the sky again.

[B]

This amount of air is easily inserted into the hollow space beneath the skin by means of an aseptic syringe. Hold on. This is a very crazy ass turn.

[C]

The story changed.

[A]

Yeah, they are air inflating.

[B]

They are now. Who's first wants to die? Boys.

[A]

Let's get that air under that skin.

[C]

This started with like.

[D]

So what we're going to do.

[C]

This started with just like a really boring. Hey, here's how you hold your breath article.

[B]

And now it's.

[C]

And then it got syringes.

[A]

And then the guy pulls out a needle and you're like wait, what?

[D]

He's like.

[A]

And today one of you is gonna figure it out.

[B]

Hey, researcher man. Listen, I can just breathe in the air. We don't have to do my body.

[D]

What's an air bubble in your bloodstream?

[A]

Who wants one? Do you?

[D]

Do you want an air bubble in your bloodstream? It'll kill you.

[B]

Don't. But you'll be able to float $5.

[A]

Well, another man just dead from air blood.

[C]

This thing that humans can't do float.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get a man to float.

[B]

Even simpler is the use of a hollow needle with a thin rubber hose 18 inches long into which this needle is inserted. A little aseptic cotton placed at the open end of the rubber hose is all that is required. The skin is simply raised, the hollow needle introduced into it and then another end of the rubber tube is taken into the mouth and the man's own breath blown into it. Two deep respirations which are blown into each side of the breast would be amply sufficient to float a man, however heavy.

[A]

So sharks. I'm looking for $50,000 for five.

[D]

This reminds me of when that guy advertised a cure for Ebola. And one of the ingredients was a.

[C]

Little bit of Ebola and a little whiskey.

[D]

Yeah, like this is gonna murder you. This is a murder recipe here.

[C]

But I'm trying to trace this in my brain. So you need to have the needle and the tube goes to your mouth. And then you inhale or you exhale and that will let you float. Whereas you could just inhale and you would float.

[A]

Yeah, but I'm also inflating your tits with some.

[C]

Look, I'm all for inflation.

[D]

Yeah, if you want to have fun, shove a tire inflator up your ass. But, you know, don't. Don't do it with me.

[B]

No one talks about that, but that's obviously a big.

[A]

It's a good way to do it. And then when you stop, that little thing comes out, the little tire thermometer. Oh, I'm at 45. I'm really. I'm getting quite cold.

[D]

Float real well now.

[A]

Oh, my Lord. Here, get my valve cap. I don't want to leak this.

[B]

Hey, Jimmy, what are you doing? I'm getting ready to go swimming.

[A]

I'm gonna go to the moon. Another man dead from air blood.

[B]

This is an art. This should not have been printed.

[A]

No, honestly, it's only bad for a society. Although when it was, this guy was like, oh, boy, I've arrived.

[B]

Garrett, the Past Times is brought to you by Cash App. We both use Cash App. We are Cash Appers, as they're called in the business. I send Gareth Cash App money sometimes he'll send me Cash App money sometimes. We'll send Luke Cash App money sometimes. I'll send my son Cash App money. You see the pattern, don't you, that.

[A]

You'Re saying it a lot?

[B]

I guess, because I use Cash App.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. No, it's a very great streamlined way to send money.

[B]

Cash App just released a new status program for the way people actually spend called Cash App Green. It unlocks new ways for you to pay, get rewarded, and easily grow or manage your money on your terms. Now, when you spend at least $200 a month with the Cash App card or Cash App Pay, you earn green status, which unlocks benefits like up to $200 of free overdraft coverage, higher borrow limits, and custom personalized cash back offers every Friday at places you love to shop. Turn everyday spending into status with Cash App Green. Download Cash App today or visit Cash App New to learn more about this and other great features. Launching now.

[D]

Oh, no, no.

[B]

I'm not allergic to Cash App. I'm not. What?

[A]

That's our first ad sneeze.

[B]

But Cash App is super easy to use.

[A]

Super easy.

[B]

It makes life just so much easier. It does for a limited time. New Cash App Customers can earn $10 if they use code CASH APP10 in their profile at signup and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Terms apply. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member fdic. Cash App Green overdraft coverage. Borrow cash back. Offers and promotions provided by Cash App a block incorporated brand. Visit Cash Dot app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. Yes. Yeah, girl. Yeah, girl. St. Joe suburb has a ghost.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You guys know you're from there?

[C]

Everyone knows about that.

[A]

Sure. Yeah.

[D]

The St. Joe suburb ghost.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Residents of Missouri town terrified by a female specter.

[A]

Oh, a lady.

[D]

Always a lady.

[A]

I believe they like to be called apparitions. There's a difference. Men are ghosts. Women are apparitions.

[B]

A ghost is haunting Saxton Heights, a suburb. A suburb of this city in the form of a woman who flits about under the trees at night and screams until the resident. And screams until the residents of that vicinity are awakened. Oh, my God. She's like a horror chicken. She's like the worst rooster ever.

[A]

She's under a tree screaming.

[B]

Fling about like, I guess we're selling the house. I don't know what else to do with this.

[A]

Make sure to do the viewing during the day at five. It's real bad.

[D]

I want suburbs ghost in. In movies, you know, there's not many cul de sacs haunted by the tragic suicides.

[B]

That's right. I think. I think feel like poltergeist.

[C]

Everyone's like that.

[B]

They did it. They know the suburbs haunted.

[A]

It is an annoying ghost, though, to just stand under a tree screaming.

[D]

It's reminiscent of somebody who left some clothes up there. And maybe there's a cat nearby.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

She wants. She wants her jacket down. That's all she wants.

[A]

Jesus, lady.

[B]

The.

[C]

The article seems very anti ghost because they do say that she's flitting around like they trivialize her actions. She's not like walking with a purpose or anything, you know, this is.

[A]

That's really nice to have someone representing the ghost.

[B]

Yeah, let's not. We don't. We don't go shame on this podcast. No, we're not ghost shamers.

[A]

No, we're into them. Yeah, we love them.

[B]

They have every reason to exist as anybody else was she.

[C]

Is that all she up. She's up to? Is it just sitting. Sitting under this tree?

[B]

It sounds like it. So the specter has been seen and heard on several occasions, but nobody has been able to get close enough to make an investigation.

[A]

It's so funny. Too high.

[D]

How are you supposed to get up there? What do you got, a ladder? It's 1891. We want to do this for another four years.

[A]

You don't need a ladder. I got some syringes I could put in your kids.

[B]

You guys want to float? You guys want to float up to that ghost?

[A]

You guys want to go see that tree ghost? I got an idea. You ever put a hose up your ass and just exhaled?

[B]

I have.

[A]

I'm getting closer.

[B]

Now blow me.

[A]

Jesus. He's dead.

[D]

Now blow me.

[B]

So I go over there.

[D]

There's another ghost flitting about in the trees tonight.

[A]

That was the guy who's trying to fill up his chest. The other day.

[B]

Last Sunday night, 100 people heard the screams of the supposed ghost, and many of them arose and dressed. Time to get up.

[A]

Well, we should probably go see that.

[B]

It's time to go to work, boys.

[C]

But no one could get close enough.

[B]

She's like a rainbow.

[D]

All right, everybody, let's spend the next 15 minutes getting our clothes on so we could go walk outside to not get close to a ghost that doesn't exist.

[A]

This is pretty stressful out here.

[B]

A number of men went into the grove nearby from whence the unearthly screams were coming. And while they could still hear it, while they could still hear moaning as if someone was in mortal agony, they could see nothing. Okay, what's worse, the moaning of an agonized ghost or the screaming of a ghost?

[A]

Screaming.

[B]

Moaning's not. Moaning's very.

[A]

I like. The money's attractive. I like it.

[B]

Well, it's not like. It's not like a ghost, like. Oh, yeah, no, that's it.

[C]

What's a haunt? What's a. What's an upsetting moan, then, to you?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That sounds more like you're. You're floating and you've sprung a hole. That's. That doesn't. That's not a moan.

[A]

I'm floating and I've sprung a hole.

[D]

An upsetting moan is when my wife says, gareth.

[B]

That's whenever.

[A]

Not for all of us.

[D]

I quit five years ago. I haven't done a single joke, so.

[B]

That'S still my wife. Hey, my wife hates it. My wife hates it when I moan. Gareth. You know what I mean?

[A]

My girlfriend has said, stop doing it when I moaned, Gareth. Oh, Gareth.

[D]

She. And she doesn't even think I'm a Vanderbilt man.

[B]

Oh, boy. This ends so good.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

A hunting party will be organized.

[A]

We got him.

[B]

For the purpose of capturing the ghost.

[A]

Well, if you want your ghost, I'll go out there at night and shoot it.

[B]

Of course. That's exactly right. An Australian guy comes through. He's like. Well, I can't do it.

[A]

The problem with your ghost is you've not shot it yet.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I'll bring the said back for 500 large. You'll have a ghost by dawn.

[C]

I. I love a time in the world when a respectable paper can publish a ghost hunting party. Like that's awesome.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ghost hunting party.

[B]

There should be. There should be.

[A]

Just comes back with an alligator head. There's you guys. What Dead deroid alligator head just moaning.

[D]

If they were all wearing their clan outfits it get real confusing. I bet that would be very difficult.

[C]

Find a lot of ghosts shot Clark.

[B]

Sold his soul to the devil. Strange discovery in connection with the Quaranta murder case. Another. This is out of Providence, Rhode Island. Another. And a decidedly uncanny chapter in the quantum murder mystery was developed today when coroner Lincoln fled his. Sorry. Filed his report upon the death of the Italian.

[A]

Oh boy.

[B]

And it was probably I Italian at this time. Yeah.

[C]

That's not like a code name. That's just offensive.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Richie name like. Oh, this is. Oh, it's the Italian. Oh, okay.

[A]

I got you.

[D]

We all know the Italian.

[C]

He sells.

[A]

No.

[B]

Corenta was a laborer who resided in the Charles Charles street colony. He disappeared last August and his body was afterward found in Leonard's pond. Leonard? I swear to God. Every Italian dies in Leonard's pond.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

It's. Oh, it's another accident.

[A]

Another Italian tried to swim and died in olive oil that came out of him.

[B]

A long section of heavy pipe had been attached to his body and his skull had been fractured by that blow from a club.

[A]

So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna.

[D]

We think it was a suicide. We're pretty sure it was a suicide. Pretty 100 sure this is a suicide.

[B]

It looks like he drowned himself.

[A]

I don't know. He got a lot of pipe on him.

[C]

What he was trying to make a pipe suit.

[A]

Another case of a guy trying to give himself outside plumbing. He drowned himself with pipe.

[B]

According to flu.

[A]

Leonard is furious.

[B]

God damn. I pond this guy $500. According to the general belief, Giovanni Quaranta was a man of mystery. Yeah. I mean yeah, sure. All his neighbors believed that he had sold his soul to the devil and that his satanic majesty waited upon his beck and call.

[A]

Jesus, he's really good at the guitar.

[B]

Then. Yeah.

[D]

They were like, holy shit, this guy. You cannot be this good but get.

[A]

An ax in his hand.

[C]

Is this.

[B]

This is the victim?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Alleged.

[B]

Yeah. We're talking about the victim. Okay. It's America. They said he had a strong influence over them and could make them do anything he desired. He's. He's.

[A]

I mean, I don't know.

[B]

He's married ladies. That's my guess.

[A]

Oh, it's a weird investigation you've conducted.

[B]

That's where I go to doctors.

[A]

You know, I think this guy's probably. Wives, Dave. That's a pitch is coming up a lot.

[B]

In these investments, it all comes together. Right, guys? A life pipe on the body.

[D]

Who's laying pipe now, Jablonski?

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Sausages. Air tits. Come on.

[B]

Dr. Spagnolo told the coroner that the strange influence was merely hypnotic. But he could not account for. For the people's belief. So in his diabolical possession.

[A]

Funny that the straight man's like, wrong. This is hypnosis. Mass hypnosis. Nothing more. Just the common mass hypnosis.

[B]

Oh. This was explained in the investigation, however, when a black book found. When a back black book found in the man's trunk was discovered to be the manual of a secret society of devil worshippers.

[A]

Oh, no. The directions are out.

[B]

That's what you keep. Where else do you keep your. Your devil book but in the trunk of the car?

[D]

How many pages did that film? Yeah, honestly, this is totally how you worship Satan. This is how you do it. You just get in a circle, you got some stars or whatever, you go, ah, Satan. You do it, buddy. That's a very planted book.

[B]

The book was in Italian and was published anonymously.

[A]

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

[B]

Well, that's Satan's language.

[A]

Well, look, they got. They're using Satan's Alphabet, sir. I think that's just Italian. Same difference.

[B]

The first part of the book is devoted to a description of the manner.

[A]

This book is for Helen. Helen, you've helped me buy souls for a long time. Without ye I could not keep the lights on this place.

[C]

I bet it.

[D]

Bride of Satan.

[C]

It also begins with a. This book is totally real and totally real. Couple pages.

[A]

Thank you to my team at Penguin. They really, really helped.

[B]

The first part of the book is devoted to a description of the manner in which the Prince of evil may be summoned by those who desire to have communication with him. Complete roles are given and with them the assurance that those who follow them could not not fail of success. When the devil appeared, he would present. Yeah, yeah. When the devil appeared, he would present a compact to his would be devotee and would agree to serve him in every way in return for his soul.

[A]

What are we thinking? Apps? Maybe some drinks?

[B]

Which must be given employment at the end of 20 years. Okay.

[C]

You got a 20 year. Wait, wait, who came up with 20 years?

[A]

20 years. Those 20 years, though, cooking.

[B]

Yeah, you. You're the best. 20.

[A]

The best.

[C]

You give Satan your soul, then for 20 years, he'll do whatever you want him to.

[A]

All your dreams are coming true.

[B]

We're not talking about Charlie Kirk.

[D]

That's a solid trait for 1891. You're probably not going to live that much longer. So, I mean, it's not even about.

[A]

Killing you as much as after the eternal life is in hell.

[D]

But.

[A]

But I still like the deal.

[C]

What's the what? Like, how good are souls? Like, the devil should be able to get you for 10 years. Why is he given 20?

[D]

Right, exactly.

[C]

Like, absolutely.

[D]

I don't feel like there's the soul union.

[C]

Yeah, his.

[B]

This was, as far. As far as I know, this was negotiated by the union.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[B]

That's what I'm saying.

[D]

The retirement program is. It's not that great. But up front, you get paid pretty well.

[A]

Yeah. It's like joining ice.

[B]

Yeah. The devil joining ice. It's a lot like joining.

[A]

Like, a lot. You got a great run where you're having fun with your buddies for a while.

[B]

Yeah. You're just.

[A]

You're.

[B]

You're tasing dads, holding babies. You're dragging dragon teachers at a daycare, hiccups.

[A]

And just.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You get that 50 grand. Yeah. You're the good guys.

[B]

Yeah. You're having the fun. You're doing the fun stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then at the end of that, you're like, oh, no, I guess I'm going to hell to get hanged. I'm gonna get hanged.

[A]

Because people are now, like, against what we did. No. Whoops.

[D]

I will say this. I find I do have some little bit of envy for a person who can just go kidnap somebody and then go home afterwards and be like, had a good day? That's crazy. Right? Think about that power. That's crazy. You could do anything. I couldn't do that.

[A]

Crazy to have no compass. And they'll just be at the store and just be, like, looking at yogurt ingredients. Like, I think I'll try to. Barney.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Today I ruined eight families.

[B]

The manual also gives pita chips. The manual.

[A]

Oh, now baked.

[B]

Wow. The manual also gives many prayers to the devil. One of them is as follows.

[A]

Careful, Dave.

[B]

Oh, great. Yeah. This could really. This is like Candyman.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, great. Lucifer. By the way, I watched that again recently, and it holds up. It's actually. It's actually okay.

[A]

Is this the Prayer. Because it's kind of losing its.

[B]

Oh, great Lucifer, I command you to come to me in accordance with your agreement that without loud noise or vile smell, that you hear my wishes.

[A]

Do not come stinky.

[B]

This is just opening to every Knowledge fight podcast.

[C]

Yeah, Jordan, take a bath.

[D]

If you forget to add the vile spell part, do you just automatically get vile smell, or is there a chance.

[A]

That he'll just do it?

[B]

You gotta do every part of this.

[D]

You got to do it. Otherwise.

[A]

You didn't say that I shouldn't be covered in it, right? What's up?

[D]

What a weird devil you guys have.

[A]

What a strange guy. I shouldn't be stinky. I'm stinky now. I'm showing up like stinky.

[D]

What a petty.

[A]

Oh, get over it. It's not that bad.

[D]

Just sign it. Just sign it. Come on. Give me 20 years.

[A]

20. Look, I'll be out of here real soon. You didn't say in the prayer to not be stinky. So I'm a little stinky. Okay. Did it also. Oh, stop.

[C]

Did it also say he can't be loud? Like, he has to. Satan has to be quiet.

[B]

No. Yeah, without loud noise and vile smell.

[C]

Keep it down.

[D]

Don't let everybody know we're summoning you.

[C]

The baby.

[B]

We put in the loud noise after that witch shit that happened.

[A]

Did you guys summon me?

[B]

Sorry. That ghost. That loud witch ghost thing. We put in the loud noise after that.

[D]

Was there a first guy who realized that you could ask? Like, nobody had asked before, and then just, like, tentatively, one of the guys was like, hey, can we just, like, maybe just. Let's try asking not to smell.

[A]

Like, probably not gonna work. All right, sure. And don't be smelly. And he's like, oh.

[D]

Oh, you got me and Brandon.

[A]

By the way, that was a pretty rude thing to put into the prayer, right?

[B]

Yeah, I guess I have to bathe.

[A]

How bad was I, stinky?

[B]

It was not good.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

Nobody told me.

[A]

Anyway, let's talk numbers.

[B]

Great. That you hear my wishes and that you may grant them. The book then provides that if the devil does not appear, the devotee shall say, oh, great Lucifer, I have called upon you and you have not answered. If you do not come now, by the power of this compact, I shall give you no rest, wherever you may be, until you answer.

[D]

Annoy you.

[C]

I'm gonna stop the.

[B]

Out of the devil.

[A]

Where are you going?

[B]

Done it now, devil. I'm gonna keep.

[A]

Someone did the prayer, and I have to shower, too.

[B]

Jesus Christ. I can't be loud. I Gotta wash my ass. This what. Why did I take this job?

[C]

This book is sad to me because it's clingy. It's not only clingy.

[B]

It seems not.

[A]

It is, it's. It's weird. So many caveats.

[D]

Some of the prayers, Satan's like, ah, I don't want to go, but I just can't handle any more of these fucking junkies. They won't stop.

[A]

They won't stop. Believe me, they won't stop.

[D]

They never shut the fuck up.

[A]

They keep going.

[B]

Some of the prayers are a more humble character. Are of a more humble character. But not many of them. For the black book distinctly provides that the devil must be subservient to those who have sold their souls to him.

[C]

That sucks.

[B]

Yeah, that sucks for the devil. That does suck.

[C]

Yeah, that sucks.

[D]

You know what's great about this? You know what's great about this guy in specific? You can trust him. This is a devil you can trust. Yeah, he's do whatever you want.

[A]

Kick his assy. Quit throwing punches, Jablonski.

[D]

I'll send you back to the asylum, Jablonski.

[C]

And then I'll just bother you more.

[B]

Satan.

[C]

Come on. You're weak.

[A]

We are quite a pair.

[B]

The devil's ever like, why did I put that part in where they could just jabber? Really?

[A]

I swear to God. I used this online service and it was. There was so much fine print. Unbelievable.

[B]

Rules are also given for the protection of the life of the devil's servant. And hieroglyphics shown by the corner are said to have been tattooed upon the body of the dead man. By the use of them, it was imagined that his life was secure from death by steel poison or bullets.

[A]

And sure, steel poison or bullets. Yeah, the coroner's real good.

[B]

The big three.

[A]

Well, it could be. It's hard to tell.

[B]

And this as Count Alberto.

[A]

I got him naked too. I couldn't figure it out.

[B]

And this as Count Alberto, the Italian vice consul at New York.

[A]

Am I also A Beth and Dr.

[B]

Spagnolo believe explains the unusual form of his death.

[D]

They believe that explains it, yes.

[C]

I'm starting to just tell you this.

[D]

New story where they explain it. These people believe that explanation because he.

[C]

Couldn'T have been killed by steel, poison or bullet. So they had to wrap pipe around him and drown him.

[A]

It does. One of the big ones.

[B]

Yeah, it makes sense. Their inference is that believing he could not be killed by ordinary means his terrified.

[A]

I can't be killed by regular shit.

[B]

By the way, his terrified compatriot I.

[D]

Feel like drowning is very normal. That's very normal.

[A]

Means it's not one of the big ones.

[D]

Put him underwater is not what normal means.

[A]

Never see that. No.

[B]

No. Believing he cannot.

[A]

Wait a minute. You mean he can't breathe underwater? What is the weird of this guy?

[D]

Probably the devil. It's probably the devil.

[A]

This seemed very devilish.

[B]

Believing he cannot be killed by ordinary means, his terrified compatriots enticed him to the woods, struck him on the head and then sunk him in the water of the pond. That's a spicy meatball, huh?

[A]

Sunken.

[D]

Yeah. That dude's everybody's wife. That's very uncomplicated.

[B]

Yeah, he's banging everybody's wife, that's what that is.

[A]

I can't believe that's the same story.

[B]

Yeah, it took a lot of turns.

[C]

It would suck if they fucked it up, if they messed up the murder. And he survived that because then they'd be like, well, that's another way. We can't kill him.

[A]

Well, I tell you what, that's Bartolomeo.

[D]

Write up that whole fucking demon book. And now Bartolomeo's work is just for nothing. God, I love Bartolomeo.

[B]

The case of William Pryor. Is he sane or insane? The case of seven. This what?

[C]

The answer is insane. You're telling me this? So he's insane?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, I don't know.

[B]

Let's see what the story goes.

[A]

Might just be a fun little tale of a man making lemonade.

[B]

Just a guy putting a chair out.

[C]

To save his parking space in Chicago. Just a totally guy.

[A]

Just a normal guy who ate a tire.

[B]

The case of 17 year old William Pryor who is under indictment for forgery. Oh, he's insane. Oh, forger. He's insane. Is one upon which judge Carter and William Pinkerton are unable to agree.

[A]

Pinkerton, Never. Good to hear the term.

[C]

Member of Weezer.

[A]

Yeah, an underrated album.

[B]

The judge is of the opinion that the youth is undoubtedly out of his mind.

[A]

And brings up, legally speaking, he's out of his mind.

[B]

Nuts.

[D]

This guy's a Jablonsky over here.

[A]

He's a real Jablonsky.

[D]

He's a real Jabot.

[A]

We got a Jablonsky.

[D]

Let's bring it home, everybody. Let's bring it home. Let's have it up.

[A]

This kid's higher than a Jablonsky.

[B]

And brings up in support of this view the facts that he smoked on an average 10 packs of cigarette cigarettes a day.

[A]

What? How? There must have been two a pack.

[B]

He's nuts.

[A]

10. 10 packs.

[B]

17.

[A]

17. I say he's got the.

[D]

Are there enough hours in the day for 200?

[A]

It's a.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's hard to fathom that that is even possible.

[C]

Especially.

[A]

I mean, you need to not be going to sleep. Yeah. And it's a good back. Yeah.

[B]

How long does a cigarette, like one cigarette take to smoke?

[A]

No, An American spirit is a day. Probably five. Ish.

[B]

Five minutes. Yeah. You can do 200.

[C]

You could.

[A]

You could.

[B]

Hey, we don't give advice here.

[A]

Cigarettes are a sponsor. Please don't say that.

[C]

He sounds more sane to me. He's forging stuff and he's smoking a lot.

[B]

That sounds like normal stuff. He's 17 and had been seen to set 10 glasses of liquor on a bar and drink their contents one after the other without any appreciable effect. This guy's numerous other unnatural and eccentric actions.

[A]

This is Andy Dick. You know what I do?

[D]

You know what I do need to remind myself? Papers at this time were prone to embellishment. Just a hair. Just a hair. Prone to making things bigger.

[A]

Well, it was like some guy was like, I smoked 200 cigarettes today and I drank 10 bottles of booze off the bar.

[D]

Sounds true to me, sir. We're gonna print that.

[A]

Well, sir, lies haven't been invented. Good to meet you.

[D]

Did you hear there was a ghost outside?

[C]

See? Forge stuff. He smokes a lot and they drink. He can hold his booze. Like he doesn't get wasted after drinking a lot.

[D]

He's a cool guy. He's cool.

[A]

Chicago based. Yes.

[B]

Article should be called I'm jealous Area man.

[A]

What a time. Area man.

[B]

Yeah. Mr. Pinkerton says that young Prior is as sane as any other person and that Judge Carter's innocence has been greatly imposed upon if he had been led to believe that the fellow is insane. It is simply the old case of a young scamp with respectable and wealthy. Oh, so he's got. He's got wealthy parents, said Mr. Binghamton. And I do not Vanderbilt. And I do not believe that Prior is any more insane than the rest of the young fellows who are paving their way for the penitentiary.

[A]

Kids are all crazy.

[B]

It is a travesty on justice to allow him to escape his just desserts on an insanity plea. The pinger didn't want him locked up.

[C]

They would never consider him insane if he just got wasted.

[A]

Right?

[C]

Like if he just drank all the booze and then he was drunk.

[B]

I think so. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, that's. That's the out. Absolutely.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, that one.

[A]

Well, this is where I leave our podcast, everybody.

[B]

Oh, yeah, Garrus, you guys scamper out because he's got a phone call.

[A]

You guys good?

[D]

Full article.

[A]

Handle it strong. And if the show's really good, we won't release. It would be gone.

[B]

Okay, so just so you know, the next. The next headline you're missing is likes to kill chickens. What did you up?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

I have real conflicted feelings about missing this one. I'm trying to think if there's any good jokes I want told while I'm gone.

[D]

Do some cock stuff.

[A]

Stuff will be great. Yeah, sure. Maybe you could say it sounds like he's gonna beak the charges. All right, thank you, everybody.

[B]

Jesus. What. What an awful way to go out.

[A]

Goodbye. Shut up, Dave.

[B]

Nd Elting.

[C]

Yeah, I was just gonna say I can't believe that that last story was even a story.

[B]

That.

[C]

That's just a kid who smokes and drinks.

[B]

Yeah, he's a partier.

[D]

Smoking, drinking, forging.

[B]

Pinkerton was just mad that he got off because he was rich. That's all.

[C]

Damn.

[B]

And leave the kid alone. Kid likes to party. Yeah, he will at 17. Then is like 40. So let him have fun. Andy Elting tells a curious story about a pigeon that has the instincts of the butcherbird. What the fuck is happening right now? Okay, butcherbird must be. So we've got a Chicago pigeon.

[D]

You're just talking about a regular Chicago are normal means. Like if that guy had been killed by a pigeon, that would still be normal means.

[C]

Chicago pigeons don't around Chicago pigeons have the instincts of chickens.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

Am I to understand that chickens have special powers?

[B]

They. They know how to be killed in a yard and. And de. Feathered and eaten. Yeah, it.

[C]

Is that what this pigeon. The what is that what the pigeon accomplished?

[B]

I mean, I'm assuming. So what else does a chicken do? See, no one has anything clock one of his friends living in Ireton. O o O period. That must be. Maybe it's Ohio. And then they just didn't put the H on. Owns a large male pigeon which takes delight in killing chickens. Okay, this took a turn. So it.

[D]

That's what I thought we were talking about. It's not a pigeon that acts like a chicken. It's a murdering pigeon.

[B]

Oh my.

[D]

It's a pigeon that gets in there with its beak and tears the chicken's entrails apart.

[B]

It's a serial killer pigeon. Which I think we need more of, not less.

[C]

Yeah, sure. How do we know it's the same pigeon.

[B]

What do you mean the 1800s? There's only. There's only one. There's only one pigeon in Chicago covered in blood.

[A]

Blood.

[C]

Okay, well that would be a dead giveaway if that's fair enough. That would be a tough case for me as a Pinkerton to argue that this pigeons.

[D]

What a day to just be walking down the street and see a pigeon walking by drenched in the blood of its recent kill.

[B]

And he's got. And all of his little pigeon claws are just blades. So it's a clear murder pigeon like you. You saw this pigeon be like cock, hide your chickens.

[C]

We got to get this, this pigeon into cock fighting.

[A]

Right?

[C]

I mean like I would like to see natural.

[B]

I would like to see. Yeah, I would like to see this pigeon out in nature doing its.

[D]

Breaking the pigeon barrier. That's. It's the Jackie pigeonson.

[B]

It's right.

[C]

No foul.

[B]

Oh God, so sad. Gareth is not here for that. He would. Tears of joy would be coming out of it. The friend found chickens two or three weeks old, dead on the ground with their necks broken. Okay, hold on. We're framing them.

[C]

Your claw theory is out the window.

[B]

The classic pigeon move of snapping chickens necks.

[D]

Well, it used its wings and it put them together around the neck and went ah, like that. Like Jean Claude Van Die. That was the way it happened, friend.

[B]

Oh, this is great. The friend found the two. The chickens, two or first of all, two or three weeks old. So they've been dead for two or three weeks.

[C]

It's going to be tough.

[D]

Two or three week old hatch.

[C]

No, if the murder was two or three weeks ago, then you're going to have a tough time getting forensics on it. You know, that's.

[B]

Yeah, no, I think you might be right.

[D]

It's probably washed off.

[B]

Yeah, a two or three week old.

[C]

Trip and break its neck, right? That's a baby.

[B]

I mean that's. That's what I always say. You know what I mean?

[C]

Right?

[D]

That old saying, even a two or three week old chick will just fall and break its neck.

[B]

No, I don't know. That must have fallen down again.

[C]

It's probably a pigeon.

[B]

Who knows?

[D]

You guys hear about the murder pigeon that's going around. That motherfucker's crazy. I saw him kill a fox.

[C]

I heard he killed the Italian.

[D]

That pigeon's played by Jason goddamn Statham.

[B]

Okay? He couldn't account for it till one day he saw the pigeon alight near a chicken and pouncing on it break its neck. No, he Didn't. This guy's killing chickens for the fun of it. And now he's blaming a pigeon. He's, like, trying to frame a pigeon. How could a. How can a pigeon break a chicken's neck?

[C]

He pounced on him. He.

[B]

The classic pounce. Yeah.

[D]

Is directly related to a raptor. It's the same thing. Absolutely. You saw Jurassic Park.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Taught us all about the dangers of the pigeon.

[B]

I've heard all the evidence I need. Guilty.

[C]

I think, Dave, your theory sounds more believable. That it's a person killing chickens and then blames a pigeon by. If you're wrong. We're taking a big risk in ignoring.

[B]

We are taking a big risk. Yeah. We really are.

[D]

You can't let that pigeon be out on the street.

[C]

You can't let it reproduce, teach other pigeons.

[B]

That's how it starts.

[C]

The 200th pigeon, or whatever the fuck that thing is. You know, the monkeys.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, sure.

[A]

Hey.

[B]

The pigeon flew away without eating its victim. Why this was done if it was not for fun is not known.

[D]

Just a gallivanting merger Pigeon just fucking people up left and right. Doesn't give a shit anymore. Lost his job, lost his wife, lost his home. Now he's a man on a mission.

[B]

That is just so clearly a guy killing chickens and blowing a bird. It's so great. It's so great.

[D]

It would be fun if you were watching a documentary about Jeffrey Dahmer. And there's a huge part where it's like, the news says there's a pigeons killing these people.

[B]

This guy was in a yard, and he was just surrounded by, like, seven dead chickens. And someone's like, what are you doing? He goes, I swear to God, there was a pigeon in here. I swear to God, he just came down and snapped all the necks.

[D]

No, I'm not naked on purpose. This was the pigeons doing.

[C]

The pigeon took it.

[D]

The pigeon stripped me. The pigeon did it, man. It's dressed like me. Go after it.

[C]

You know, you do touch on a sad truth, and that is that, like, the more fun versions of stories are usually just someone lying. Like, the pigeon killing these chickens is probably a lie, but it's way more fun.

[B]

It's way more fun.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

An original suicide.

[D]

Did we get one of those earlier, too?

[B]

We may have, yeah. Many are the ways by which a person may rid himself of his life. But the means employed by an elderly agriculturist named B. Blaud revealed a considerable amount of originality. Yeah, sorry.

[C]

People use that up.

[D]

Tuesdays at 9. Bad blood.

[B]

Revealed a considerable amount of originality and patience. Taking an old rifle barrel that had been used as a blowpipe. I mean, this is.

[D]

I'm.

[B]

He. He passed. He passed some 3 1/2 ounces of gunpowder into it, nearly sealing one end of the barrel at the same time. Blood then descended into us into the cellar with a lamp and took his seat on a tub. This guy put a lot of thought into this.

[D]

Okay. A tub of.

[C]

They were right.

[B]

It is gonna blow himself up, right?

[C]

Patient. Creative patient.

[B]

But this sounds like a pipe bombish, no?

[C]

Yeah. Has the makings of a pipe bomb for sure.

[B]

And then he. And then he waited for the pigeon resting. Arresting one end of the weapon on the ground. He placed the other in his mouth and then applied the lamp to a short train of powder he had laid down. A violent report followed which. Yeah. Which brought the man's family to the cellar. Oh, my God. Wait until they're not home. Or just do it out in a field. Like. What are you doing?

[D]

If you're gonna be you guys, I swear to God, you call me a Vanderbilt or I'm going downstairs. I'm going downstairs and you'll never see me again. You'll never see me again, Tommy. Is that what you want?

[B]

Where a terrible spectacle met their eyes. Blood's head having been completely blown off by the force of the explosion. I mean, Jesus. So he. Yeah, he made a pipe bombish. Yeah, it did work.

[C]

I think that the news is irresponsible here. And if I were the editor, I would not start with like a congratulation of the creativity that scene.

[B]

Check this guy out.

[D]

Check out how good this guy did it.

[C]

All of you other people who slit your wrists, you're losers. And uncreative. This guy gets it.

[B]

Hey, we don't usually give. We don't usually give out awards for suits. Suicide. But in this case, congratulations.

[D]

We've got the Honus Wagner of suicide out here today.

[B]

All right, last one. Yeah, last one. Many ask for divorces. John Lang stated that his wife Estella, whom he married April 26, 1886, was daffy on spiritualism.

[C]

So I know the type. I've met some dandy spiritualists.

[B]

Yep, thank you. And left him in 1891 because he forbade her to attend seances. Wow. The lady likes a seance, so it's cool.

[C]

Spiritualism, not just going to church.

[B]

Yeah, no. So you know spiritualism then was like the. The seance. Yeah. Like we're talking to the dead.

[C]

It's like maybe somebody who's got a black Book with a bunch of rules in it.

[B]

Thank you.

[D]

What a strange relationship. I forbid you from speaking to the dead. How dare you speak to the dead.

[C]

No wife of mine.

[D]

No wife of mine will ever speak to the dead.

[C]

You fool me with that.

[B]

Course she's probably coming home and being like, like. Well, guess what Frank said about you today.

[D]

Frank's hate Frank.

[B]

But besides this. He aver.

[D]

Who are you texting? Is he dead? Is he dead?

[C]

We're friends. Me and this dead guy are friends. Can a woman and a dead guy be friends or not?

[D]

It's two in the morning and I hear you clicking away, talking to the dead.

[B]

Dead. What's his name? It's Frank. I told you. He's so dead. So dead. It's like, oh my God. Besides this, he said she was in the habit of going unattended to dances and other affairs.

[C]

Unattended by the living.

[B]

Right? No. I hope so.

[C]

She had ghost. She had like a guy, a ghost dance.

[B]

She's getting all kinds of ghost action.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

She's flitting around in a tree.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Just moaning.

[C]

I've seen these types before. I know these folks. I've seen them.

[B]

Well, gentlemen, I think we can all say we're glad Gareth left and we were able to have fun. Yeah.

[D]

Finally.

[B]

And that was a good one.

[C]

We navigated that without any jokes and I think.

[B]

Amazing. There were so many. And. And there were cocks in the actual articles. Yeah, dead ones.

[C]

But nonetheless I. I am blown away by this slice of history and how normal a lot of it is. Like this 17 year old likes to drink. People are freaked out by a ghost.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Somebody killed himself in a weird way.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

It is like. It is like, you know, we have true crime documentaries now and they're just longer versions of like, look at how weird this guy killed himself. Right.

[B]

That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Whenever my wife was watching one of her many murder shows, I always walk in and go, you could just read about this in two seconds and you wouldn't have to watch the show. I know they're playing it out in a linear time, but that happened five years ago. We can just actually look at it in two seconds and find out.

[D]

Yeah, but you don't understand. It's about the time release. It's like a painkiller. It's about slowly getting it throughout the day.

[C]

And books don't have a score that is really like tense, you know, to.

[B]

They should have that. They'll have that. They're trying to figure out how to do that. I'm sure in books.

[C]

I think they have it in.

[D]

Would you like help reading?

[B]

Me?

[D]

Hi, I'm your AI assistant. Do you want to read this book or would you prefer not to? I'll just print something out. It'll be like, the same thing. You can get an A.

[B]

Oh. Well, guys, thank you. You.

[C]

Thank you.

[D]

Thank you for having us. This was a delight.

[B]

I feel like everybody won.

[C]

Amen.

[B]

Right? Isn't that what it is? Win. Win.

[C]

Win.

[B]

Talked and at the same time continued eating nuts.

[A]

Eating nuts.

[B]

So he's. He's threatening to sue someone while he's just kind of walking back and forth and eating nuts. Nuts as you. But he probably always had to eat nuts because he couldn't eat that much. I still.

[A]

He shouldn't be eating nuts. In my opinion, based on his previous thoughts, it seemed nuts have feelings.

[B]

Nuts come from rocks.

[A]

Believe me, Nuts have feelings.

[B]

So people start to sour on Johnny Appleseed.

[A]

That's fucking hilarious. You know what? Fuck this guy. Honestly, this is crazy.

[B]

And this included the Putnam family, who were related by half siblings. One of the Putnams quote, father said that Johnny Appleseed was nothing but a bum, that all he did was come and sponge. He could come and stay and eat and eat and eat until you finally shoved him out and sent him on his merry way. Whatever. He. Whenever he was coming, dad was really mad and didn't want him around, but so he would eat.

[A]

So maybe he would just eat if you prepped a meal or he was.

[B]

Picky about what he was eating.

[A]

Yeah, but he might have been loophole.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

He's like, oh, you already made the duck. All right, I guess, like, he's probably doing that. He's probably eating like a fucking king. Yeah, he's like, no more roast beef since he already got it, like, all killed and everything. No, don't be crazy. Keep going.

[B]

Oh, is it sirloin night?

[A]

Oh, gosh. Well, I guess it's already been killed. Mind if I put some shoes on? I'm really changing. He just loves slippers.

[B]

His fashion changed.

[A]

Oh, when did he quote?

[B]

He wore a pyramid of three hats.

[A]

Oh, no. Three hats now. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Like, he needed a friend. Johnny, Johnny needed a friend. Johnny needed one guy to be like, johnny, look. Okay, I love you.

[B]

The two hats I get because the first was a brim and the next was the cooking pot. So that makes sense.

[A]

No, it doesn't.

[B]

A hat under the cooking pot.

[A]

No, it doesn't.

[B]

It keeps the pot clean.

[A]

Nope. Just carry a pot, tie it to Your bindle stiff or whatever the you're rocking.

[B]

And then on top of all that was a hat with a crown. Okay.

[A]

So he was. Oh man, he would do better at the no Kings march. They'd be like, johnny, no, I'm the apple king. No, Johnny, no.

[B]

The sum total was of. Extremely odd, rather ingenious.

[A]

That's insane.

[B]

It enabled him to carry not only his kettle, but his treasure of sacred literature sandwiched between the pot and the crown of the uppermost hat.

[A]

Wait, wait, what happened to the carrier? He had his stuff in a carrier at one point.

[B]

Well, now he's got it up there.

[A]

So now he's wearing a pot, a brimmed hat, a crown and books.

[B]

Yeah, it's like a library. And it keeps the books dry because they're under the pot. And his hands are left free to deal with the seed bags and the tools and stuff.

[A]

What about a knapsack or a bag? Surely they had other things. I mean, I know they had other shit invented by then.

[B]

Well, he doesn't need those cuz he has a pot and a hat.

[A]

No, he does because he's wearing a. He is a totem pole. No wonder we needed a ladder.

[B]

Isn't he doesn't need a knapsack. He's got a hat and a pot and a hat.

[A]

If he hangs out with a monkey, I'm going to leave the goddamn stage.

[B]

And then he got a monkey.

[A]

Get on his back, boys.

[B]

So he ages into his 60s, which is pretty shocking for a guy who goes. Who's sleeping outside, walking around with barefoot and everything else.

[A]

This has got to be a crazy time.

[B]

He starts to become a little cranky while staying with a.

[A]

He's a crab apple.

[B]

While staying with a Quaker.

[A]

Well, that's a reality show. On an all new Quaker in the net. Keep encroaching on what we should do. You know what? I'm going to put a syringe through my foot.

[B]

While staying with the Quaker, he threw the Quaker's universalist Christian book on the ground in disgust. He also, quote, frequently rebuked the young men for their levity and appeared much displeased if they were not attentive hearers. So he's getting old and irritated.

[A]

All right, listen to me. Yeah, well, he's putting a knitting needle through his heel.

[B]

In March of 1945, Johnny at 70, marched 15 miles through snow and rain to fix a bramble fence at one of his orchards. At a cabin belonging to William Worth and his family, he asked for a roof over his head. And they happily obliged, as they'd done many times. He ate alone on the floor, as usual.

[A]

I'm a dog.

[B]

And they gave him and gave the people the good news. Quote, right. Fresh from heaven, Johnny slept by the fire.

[A]

Wait, what was the good news?

[B]

I'm sure it was God. Shit, blah, blah, don't kill moths, whatever. Johnny slept by the fire. But by morning he had a fever and could not speak.

[D]

Finally.

[B]

We finally have the best Johnny ever. And then he died.

[A]

Can you imagine being the fucking person with the house? Oh, what? Johnny Appleseed's dead by our fire.

[B]

And then you eat him.

[A]

Who are those two hot ghosts over him? Oh my God.

[B]

I swear to God, dude. And then all of a sudden there are three ghosts. One's doing anal and the other one. The whole thing was crazy, man.

[A]

And then what happened, sir? Then they just titty him by the fire for a little while. I don't know. It was totally insane. It was crazy. It was the craziest thing I've ever seen. And then they put a bunch of splinters in his feet and stuff like that.

[B]

Yeah, That was pretty hot though. That part was. That was pretty hot.

[A]

Killed my own.

[B]

I wanted some stuff that. I guess it kind of opened some stuff up in me, you know what I mean?

[A]

And I just, just Johnny Apples.

[B]

I never really looked at intimacy that.

[A]

Go to heaven already. Go to heaven. Oh my God. Yes. Yes. Johnny, stop. Oh, yes. Oh, I waited so long. Yes. Jesus, Johnny. This feels great. This reminds me of when I put it in an apple. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Oh my God.

[D]

Christ.

[B]

So we have a. I mean, it's like a. It's like an always coming ghost in our house. And it's really bad. It does that all the time.

[A]

Oh my God. And honestly, it feels so good from the tip to the bass.

[B]

We would be fine with it not being here if it was just quiet. And sometimes, Yeah, we just need feeling hot, hot, hot.

[A]

That feeling hot, hot, hot.

[B]

And then you think it's. It's. You think it's quiet for a minute and the song stopped and like, oh, maybe you'll go to sleep for a little while because you know, you know, you need some kind of sleep.

[A]

I'm going to go to boom, boom, boom, boom.

[B]

We found it.

[A]

This is from six.

[B]

We found out the goat.

[D]

Baby ghosts.

[B]

Don'T sleep after I'm loving every. They're not like people.

[A]

Ah.

[D]

Oh, it hurts.

[A]

It hurts in a good way. In a good way. Hurts in a good way. Hurts in a good way. It hurts in A good way Ghost. It turns out that's it.

[D]

I'm done.

[B]

They can come over and over and over again. They never get tired.

[A]

Oh my God. Oh my God.

[B]

So anyway, anyway, that's why I'm calling the ghost hunters on. I just need you guys to comment and help me out here.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

Guy, I don't think we're going to be able to sell the house.

[A]

Oh, here I go again. Oh, the new shift son. Don't mind if I do. I got some wood to graph to you. Anyone ever smoke?

[B]

The doctor pronounced him dead. Told everyone that he'd never seen such a serene look on a corpse in his life.

[A]

Well, I think we know why. Holy Christ. Look at his eyes. Did he. Was he smiling when he slept or was that just after.

[B]

Much later, the Worth family would say that the body was practically glowing with tranquility.

[A]

I'll bet it were.

[B]

For his final outfit, he wore, quote, the waists of four pairs of pants.

[A]

Wait, wait, the waists?

[B]

That's what it says. It's a quote.

[A]

Well, like just the elastic.

[B]

These were cut off at the forks, ripped up at the sides and the fronts thrown away, saving the waistband attached to the hinder part. These hinder parts were buttoned around him, lapping like shingles, so as cover. So as to cover the whole lower part of his body. Over top it all, next to the Chapman skin was a coarse coffee sack with holes cut out for the arms and head. And quote, what was once pantaloons.

[A]

What was once pantaloons.

[B]

He cut off the butt part of the four pairs of pants and buttoned together as some sort of super pants. It's called fashion.

[A]

That sounds like something yay would make. Who the fuck is that quote from? Who came up with super pants?

[B]

Don't worry about it. Mind your business.

[A]

Will you please tell me what he wore one more time?

[B]

The waist of four pairs of pants.

[A]

Which is already not okay.

[B]

These were cut off at the forks.

[A]

The forks.

[B]

I believe that's the. So the. They're like.

[A]

Okay, so we wore like booty shorts, like denim. So he wore four pairs of booty.

[B]

Shorts ripped up at the sides.

[A]

They just said juicy on the back, Johnny.

[B]

So the. So they ripped up the sides, the hinder part.

[A]

So they're basically like fronts thrown away. Mini skirts.

[B]

Well, so. So they're. So it's open at the front.

[A]

Mini. Yeah.

[B]

No, because the mini. The mini skirt doesn't. Isn't like here's my genitals. These are open at the front, bro.

[A]

Have you ever What? Okay, okay.

[B]

Saving the waistband attached to the hinder part, so the back ass part is covered. The hinder parts were buttoned around him, lapping like shingles so as to cover the whole lower part of his body.

[A]

So there's four butt parts.

[B]

It's a. A. It's a. It's a lower cape.

[A]

I think what he's wearing is a smock.

[B]

It's a lower cape. It's the back.

[A]

Yeah, he's wearing a smock.

[B]

Are smocks in the back? Smocks are in the front.

[A]

Well, yeah, but it's like smock technology, so it's.

[B]

It's a reverse smock.

[A]

He's wearing a backwards apron. Can you imagine this fucking, like, legend showing up in a backwards apron and what's for supper? And then dying in front of your fire? Like, the fuck. They're gonna think we did this to him. We're gonna be implicated in the weirdest murder of our time. We need to get him in the attic. There's no stairs up there, you idiot. If only technology would give us away.

[B]

It's four smocks.

[A]

Four smocks. Four smocks at the back. And then he's just got, like, a little fucking miniskirt on at the front.

[B]

You know, you try to. You try to, like.

[A]

And no shoes because he stepped on a worm once. Three hats and then coffee.

[B]

You're mad at fashion.

[A]

No, I'm flagging this over top at all.

[B]

Next to the Chapman skin. I don't know what Chapman skin is.

[A]

Doesn't matter. At this point.

[B]

Was a coarse coffee sack with the holes cut out for arms and head. That. That was once pantaloons.

[A]

So that was once pantaloons.

[B]

I think the coffee sack used to.

[A]

Be pants, but only for one person. Him.

[B]

Him. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So he eventually was like, you know what? The downstairs is really taking care of itself. But I'll bet you I could wear my old coffee bag pants as a shirt.

[B]

So he cut off the butt part of four pairs of pants and buttoned them together like some sort of super pants. It makes sense if you think about it. It.

[A]

And then he shows up and you're like, how are you, Johnny? Good. Pretty good. Nobody's giving me credit for nothing no more. I basically built this country. Is it time for supper? Oh, that's good. No, no. Put it in a bowl. I'll eat it off the floor like a canine.

[B]

Whoo.

[A]

I'm pooped. All right. Hey, I'm awake. I'm very sick. Oh, no.

[B]

And then Tim Gunn comes in and what are you doing here?

[A]

We don't know who he is. I love this. This is amazing. No, we don't know him. Great.

[B]

His estate was valued at $15,000. In today's money.

[A]

In today's money.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

His estate was valued at 15,000 in today's money. Money. All that.

[B]

Well, he gave it all to the church.

[A]

I know, but still, for someone to come in and be like, all right, this is $2.

[B]

I'm sure he had a pot. A pot fund. All was sold to pay back taxes or debt. And then tributes poured in. Sam Houston, William Tecumseh Sherman. All these big famous guys are like, I love Johnny Appleseed. A Harper's article by Charles Allen Smart described what his life meant. He embodies, quote, the America that has never been interested in money or public opinion, that has been friendly, sensible, and brave instead of aggressive and bloody. That has nurtured life instead of destroying it. And that has been sensitive to the beauty of this continent and done something to create here a civilization. Johnny Appleseed stands for ourselves at our best.

[A]

Not wrong.

[B]

Not right, either.

[A]

Not wrong and not right. Without question. But it definitely. Look, I would rather a country of Johnny Appleseeds. That would be better.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Then we.

[B]

We. We act like we hate nature, basically.

[A]

Yeah. And it all. Yeah, yeah. But. But yes.

[C]

Maybe a better.

[B]

He smelled really bad and may.

[A]

Yeah, look, he's a flawed messenger. He is a. The Messiah had a pot on its head. But. But there is something to that idea that, like that all the.

[B]

The.

[A]

The general thinking behind everything he was doing is great. It's far closer to what it should be.

[B]

It's just.

[A]

And then towards the end, he got bitter and he obviously just wore four aprons backwards. But that is better. I mean, that is a way better way than now where you're like, what are you gonna do? Save a tree? Shut up. Fucking loser.

[B]

Yeah. Tree fucking tree hugger. Are you mad that I like trees?

[A]

By the way, anyone who calls you a tree hugger has never taken mushrooms. There's nothing better on mushroom than hugging a tree. You gain all of its knowledge in exchange for some of your water. It's pretty straightforward.

[B]

I'd fuck a tree out of mushrooms.

[A]

Great. How great would it be to hang out with Johnny Appleseed on mushrooms?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

You just don't. You don't tell him, though. It wouldn't be that great because you don't tell him.

[B]

He'd be just going off.

[A]

Man, these trees are fucking humming right now. Dude, don't say that too much. You keep saying that. Right over here. Holy shit. I want to hug this tree. Star, keep going. They're messing up the pace.

[B]

Research was done by Josh Androwski. Johnny Appleseed. Johnny Appleseed, the man, the myth, the American story by Howard Means. Johnny Appleseed, a pioneer hero by W.D. haley and Harper's Magazine. Wow. That's it.

[A]

Wow. It's also fun to picture this thing banging two ghosts. Yep.

[B]

Well, that was.

[A]

Story of Paul Bunyan.

[B]

It's. It's not the same as what you're told as a child.

[A]

No, no. They really did sanitize that. They really did a good job of taking out a lot of the weird stuff, to be quite honest. Oh, yeah. It might be one of the only times where, like, American history, they were like, these cuts are valid. Oh, yeah. Like, they just hung in there with, like, his name was Johnny Appleseed. He loved trees. What? Anywhere. There'll be no more questions.

[B]

Cut the mic. Cut the mic.

[A]

What was his favorite shoe?

[B]

Shut up.

[C]

Cut the mic.

[A]

Did he ever hurt a worm?

[D]

Stop.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Shut the lights off.

[A]

Was he married? All right, that's it. Show's over. Show's over, everybody. Show is over. Thank you, everybody. Thanks for coming. Oh, and if you're. If you are. If you paid for the meet and greet VIP thing, stick around. Sit up front. Thank you, everybody. Thanks, Columbus, for sure. Appreciate it. What's up, doll heads? Just a reminder. Always throw those doll heads on stage. We love them. Hey, Gareth Reynolds here. I will be at Rooster T Feathers in Sunnyvale, California, November 6th through November 8th. I will be at the Omaha Funny Bone the 28th and 29th of November. Then I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia, on December 2nd. Second, Seattle, December 3rd, and Eugene, December 4th. Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.