156 - The Past Times with Myles Anderson

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop – The Past Times with Myles Anderson

Podcast: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Episode: 156 – The Past Times with Myles Anderson
Date: January 9, 2026
Host: All Things Comedy
Guest: Myles Anderson (Bachelors of Music YouTube Channel)

---

Overview

This episode of "The Past Times" features comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds alongside special guest Myles Anderson, known for his "joke explainer" character and the Bachelors of Music YouTube channel. The hosts revisit headlines and stories from a 1919 edition of the Vancouver Weekly Columbian and riff on historical oddities, cultural quirks, stand-up comedy, and national peculiarities, blending sharp satire and improvisational humor. The episode is characterized by playful banter, running gag impressions (especially of Tony Bennett and Italian-Americans), and acute commentary on both the past and present.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Myles Anderson’s Comedy and YouTube Channel (00:24–07:43)

• Introduction of Myles Anderson:
  • Gareth praises Myles and describes his YouTube persona as an "explainer of why divisive comedians are funny."
  • Myles describes his channel:

    "I started out watching comedians and explaining why their jokes are very funny because comedians that often were very divisive on the Internet, a lot of people seemingly didn't understand why they were so funny." (01:21, Myles)

• Evolving the Character:
  • Initially was "too mean” but now leans into a “purely nice” character.
  • Myles breaks down comic styles, highlighting comedians like Chris D’Elia, Jim Brewer, and Roseanne.
• Gutfeld Livestream and Comedy Bingo:
  • Myles hosts weekly livestreams watching Fox’s "Gutfeld" and playing “bingo” to anticipate predictable tropes (07:00–08:23).

  • "Every Monday, I watch the show Gutfeld, which is the number one show in late night. And I, I... try to predict, like, how we're going to get to Joy Behar through a premise." (07:07, Myles)

2. Guessing the Newspaper’s Year & Nationalities Banter (09:13–10:41)

• The hosts and Myles guess the date of an old newspaper, landing on 1919.
• Fun, competitive back-and-forth and jokes about American workplace hostility.
• Riff on the differences and “hostilities” between Americans and Canadians:

  "Boys, boys, boys. You Americans are always fighting. Just calm down." (10:32, Myles)

3. Notable Historical Newspaper Stories

The bulk of the show is the group reading and riffing on old newspaper stories:

a. Barber Shoots Rival (13:08–17:02)

• Italian-American barber shoots a fellow driver in the arm.
• Comedians speculate about highway haircuts, mobile barbers, and the "warning shot" mentality:

  "An arm shot is sort of... It's not really a gunshot. It's a warning shot. That's a warning shot. So our way of saying hey, I could get closer to the head." (13:41, Dave)

  • They riff on the immigrant status and underlying xenophobia of the reporting.

b. America’s Influence Abroad / Race & Ethnicity as Social Constructs (17:22–18:47)

• Comment on an editorial bemoaning American movie influence in England.
• Sinatra’s “PSA Against Racism”: Myles references a clip where Italian, Irish, and Polish identities become “white” (17:22–17:56).

  "Remember, kids, even if people come from all sorts of races. Irish, Polish, Italian... They're also white. A lot of these people are now white." (17:42, Myles)

  • This theme becomes a running joke, with Tony Bennett impressions:

    "Hey, I just found out women are also white." (28:15, Tony/Dave)

c. $1 for Slapping Policemen (27:05–30:21)

• Hot women in Texas get fined only $1 for slapping police officers—satirical commentary on beauty privilege:

  "So hot girls can hit cops." (27:58, Myles)

  • Running gag of “women are now white too” (28:12, Dave as Tony Bennett).

d. Bowling Alleys & Dancing in Churches (31:01–35:32)

• Early 20th-century push by a pastor for churches to feature bowling and dancing for community-building.
• The hosts riff on how churches would be more popular and joke about churches needing to be like “Dave & Buster’s.”

  "Imagine if church was a Dave and Buster's. Do you have Dave and Buster's there, Miles?" (31:23, Dave)

e. Comedy, YouTube Growth & Rogan Specials (35:53–41:21)

• Myles discusses growth of his character/channel, especially reacting to major comedian scandals (Riyadh Comedy Festival, Tony Hinchcliffe, Joe Rogan).
• Hot take on commodification and monetization in high-level comedy:

  "In the old days, you know, comedians would often try to get laughs, but you got to get bags now. You got to get the bag." (42:55, Myles)

f. Dental Lawsuits, Health Care, US vs Canada (46:13–50:54)

• Story of a man suing his dentist for ongoing tooth pain.
• Launches a riff on US/Canadian differences in dental and health coverage:

  "We actually just got dental care passed. Big, big, big flex on you guys." (47:13, Myles) "Teeth and eyes not part of the body." (47:51, Dave)

• Satirical banter about the US lacking basic health care.

g. Scams & Odd Jobs (53:40–61:01)

• Old stories about buying “110 cases of river water,” and people hiring out-of-work cops for bizarre tasks like cranking cars or killing mice.
• Riff about a naive shopkeeper being swindled by a pair of women who offered to “bless” his money.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Joke Explaining:
  "It's helpful, it's a helpful guide. Sometimes you'll walk people through a comedian's special or a longer clip." (01:41, Dave)

• On American Late Night:
  "It's enjoyable because I go, wow, this is... we're really at the bottom of everything here." (07:46, Dave on watching Gutfeld)

• On Historical News Reporting:
  "How do you not put why? ... Why would be helpful." (16:07, Gareth)

• On Ethnicity Becoming “White”:
  "Treat them nicely. They're also white. A lot of these people are now white." (17:49, Myles as Frank Sinatra)

• On Comedy as Big Business:
  "If Kevin Hart doesn't make a certain amount of money, he'll be acquired by Gabriel Iglesias and absorbed into his... Like they're like businesses." (42:15, Myles on modern comedy empire)

• On Canadian Smugness:
  "Canadians are very... we're very smug about our health care, and I don't want to impose that on you guys." (49:22, Myles)

• Running Gag – Tony Bennett as Ambassador of Whiteness:
  "Hey, I just found out women are also white." (28:15, Dave as Tony Bennett) "Zombie Tony. Because it seems more like you're one of the guys in the background of the Sopranos." (33:30, Gareth)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:24–07:43 – Myles discusses the origins, nature, and evolution of his "joke explainer" character.
• 09:13–10:41 – Guessing the year of the historical paper turns into riffs about hostility between Americans and Canadians.
• 13:08–17:02 – Barber shooting story, immigrant stereotypes, and gun culture satire.
• 17:22–18:47 – Discussions of Americanization, racial categories, and Sinatra’s “anti-racism” PSA.
• 27:05–30:21 – Funny fines and women slapping police officers for $1.
• 31:01–35:32 – Discussion on modernizing churches with bowling and dance.
• 35:53–41:21 – Myles discusses YouTube, explaining specials, and the business of comedy.
• 46:13–50:54 – Dental lawsuit, riff on US-Canada health care.
• 53:40–61:01 – Old scams, shopkeeper blesses (and loses) his cash.

---

Conclusion

The episode is a freewheeling mix of historical commentary, sharp satire about modern comedy/entertainment culture, and improvisational running gags riffing on American idiosyncrasies, ethnicity, and health care. Myles Anderson is a standout guest, demonstrating his quick wit, satirical meta-commentary, and inside knowledge of stand-up. The classic Dollop dynamic is on full display, with Dave and Gareth weaving together present-day snark and historical absurdity.

Recommended if you enjoy:

• Off-the-cuff, meta-improv about comedy and history
• Social commentary disguised as running gags
• Absurd explorations of North American quirks and deep-dives into the culture of stand-up comedy

---

Further Info

• Bachelors of Music (Myles Anderson's YouTube): Comedy channel that breaks down stand-up specials and comedian performances with a unique, deadpan “explainer” persona.
• Referenced Personas: Tony Bennett, Frank Sinatra, American/Italian/Canadian stereotypes.
• Themes: The mutability of racial categories, the commercialization of comedy, American vs. Canadian banter, and the timeless stupidity of old newspaper stories.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome to the past times. It's a podcast. We're finally, finally doing it. We heard about this thing when Corolla started and we thought we should do one. You know what we do here each week, we go through a newspaper from a random date in history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest, the great Miles Anderson. Hello, Miles.

[B]

Hello, fellas.

[C]

Miles, we're big fans, huge fans.

[A]

I just met you in Vancouver a couple weeks ago and, and I was starstruck, Miles, because we've grown to love your work, we consume your content. We've told people on this show before about what you're doing there over at the Bachelors of Music YouTube channel. Seems like it's. It seems like, yeah, it seems like an interesting way you've gotten to it, but how would you explain the premise of the thing we've fallen in love with?

[B]

It is. It is hard to double explain the joke explainer, but I am asked to describe it a lot, and a lot of the time if I have to describe it, it's already too late. People have already left. They've already walked away.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Basically what I do is I, and I started out watching comedians and explaining why their jokes are very funny because comedians that often were very divisive on the Internet, a lot of people seemingly didn't understand why they were so funny. And so I took it upon myself to explain why they're hilarious.

[A]

It's helpful, it's a helpful guide. Sometimes you'll walk people through a comedian's special or a longer clip and yeah.

[C]

I think, I think the first one I saw, and I think I sent it to Gareth, was a friend of show Chris Dalia.

[D]

And you really, you really broke down.

[C]

His, his special in a, a great way that made me understand it to a much deeper level.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, that was a good one. Chris Deli, he was a guy that a lot of people didn't understand why he was so funny, especially after all the allegations. And I, I took it apart myself to just watch him stand up and, and explain that, you know, he's one of the best comedians working today.

[C]

And that's right.

[B]

Go through jokes by joke and break it down and, and it's great because our fans, and when you guys mentioned us on your podcast, a lot of your fans came over and immediately got into the comments section, were like, yes, Chris Dalia, you know, just the way he stares at women. Very funny.

[A]

Yeah, it is one of the best working today. Who was the. Who was the inspiration? Like, who was the first one that you broke the comedy down? Like, who. Who was the one where you thought, this is such a great. That I need to tell people why it's great?

[B]

It was actually. We did a triple feature. We were just sort of trying to find this character. Kind of found us, I think, from heaven. And then.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And then he's evolved to be a bit more even deranged than we started. We did a triple feature. We did. We did Jim Brew and Roseanne.

[C]

Oh, tremendous.

[A]

Is it the. Which. Which Roseanne one is it. It's not the one. Because I've seen one where she's at an event where a computer doesn't work that you broke down?

[B]

Yes. Is that America fest, America's biggest comedy festival? Yeah.

[A]

Is that the one?

[B]

No, it was a different one. I think it was an earlier one.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I might have been. It might have just been a preview for her Fox Nation special, America's number one comedy network. But, yeah, it was. It was fun going through all those. But I.

[A]

Three greats.

[B]

I felt like I was a bit too. I was almost. And then we did Crystalia second after that, I was almost too mean. Like, I hadn't fully found the character yet. And now it's purely nice, the character.

[A]

It's very well done. And I. Yeah, I. I mean, we really. I, I. We are obviously comedians and we find it particularly hilarious, but it is. It's such a good watch, and we really are. Are truly such fans. So thank you for joining us.

[C]

Miles, have I ever told you my Roseanne story?

[A]

Yeah, you. Yeah, you dated her and then she put you on her show.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I.

[C]

God damn it. What's the fucking. The comics reality show.

[A]

That's tough. All the last comic stand.

[C]

Last comic standing. So I. I went down, and one time they called up and they're like, hey, can you come down audition? So I did it, and Alonzo Bowden was one of the hosts, and he accused me of stealing. It was crazy. It was a Crazy. Because it was a setup and not.

[A]

I know you told me you have beef with him.

[C]

And so I was furious, and I was like, I'm never doing that shit again. And then it. A few years later, they're like, we want him to come on again. And then I was like, I'm not doing. I'm not doing. And they're like, we'll put them through. We'll put them in the house. And I was like, okay. So I go to do it, and I get past to that night. So it's like the big show and everyone gets through and they go up and I do a set and I kill from start to finish. And Roseanne's like, you didn't build. And I was like, what? And she goes, you didn't build. You gotta. You gotta build to a baker's. And I'm just like, I just killed. Like, what are you talking about?

[A]

How much better would last comic standing be if Miles was one of the judges?

[C]

Oh, my God, it'd be so awesome. It be so awesome.

[B]

Like a sign language interpreter off to the side.

[A]

Here's why. What he's saying is great. Well, Miles, what else can we promote for? I know you're a. You. You teach piano.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I teach private piano lessons here in winter.

[C]

Can we get.

[A]

We can.

[C]

Maybe we can get your rates up.

[A]

Where else are you doing stuff? You've got the. The bachelors of music. Are there. Is there anywhere else to follow? I mean, is that really where we should drive people to go to?

[B]

I mean, yeah, that'd be. That would be. You know, I'm love. I. I do stand up as well, but I'm trapped in Canada for work visa reasons. I don't know if you guys heard of the terrorists and stuff like that.

[A]

If I go to America, I gotta.

[B]

Keep my eyes up the whole time.

[A]

Yeah, you're welcome, by the way.

[B]

You're welcome, guys. I haven't had bourbon in like eight months and.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I'm starting. We need it here.

[B]

My skin is getting healthier and it feels terrible.

[C]

You're welcome.

[B]

But, yeah, I don't know. I do stand up, but, I mean, I would. I would love to do YouTube more. It's very comfortable in my house.

[A]

Yes. Well, it's great. It seems like you got everything. Seems pretty easy except for watching a lot of the stuff you have to watch.

[B]

That is tough. Oh, I should say. I live stream twice a week, too. And I. Every Monday, I watch the show gutfeld, which is the number one. Number one show in late night.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

And I, I. We play Gutfeld bingo. And so I try to predict, like, how we're going to get to Joy Behar through a premise.

[A]

Right?

[B]

It'll start out. It'll be like, there was a bus crash in Peru. And I'll be like, oh, man. And I'll pause. I'll be like, how are we going to get to the Democrats? Like, how are we going to get there? And sure enough, it's because Joy Behar's ass was in the way. And I'll be like, oh, here we go.

[A]

I would love to be a part of that.

[C]

It is so amazing to me that they don't pay the comics to go on there, man.

[A]

I'll tell you what. I actually do watch it too. I watch it just because I'm like. It's like. It's enjoyable because I go, wow, this is. We're really at the bottom of everything here. And so I will watch it. But I mean, it. It doesn't even feel like the audience is really, like, love it. You know what I mean? It's the number one. It's so big. But I also feel like a lot of times, like, they'll thr. Break, and he'll be like, well, that's because she wore a bra that was too big, and nobody will do anything. And then he'll be like, coming up. We've got it. Wow. They didn't sweeten it. It's sweeten it.

[E]

I don't know.

[A]

It's. I mean, some stuff is killing, but they. Well, did you see the guy the other night? He was on there. Did you see this, Miles? Where is. What's his name? Ty. Tyrus. Ty. I can't remember his name.

[B]

He looks. Tyrus is on every night.

[A]

Tyrus is on every night. Doesn't look like he's. He doesn't look like he's done a lot of improv, because it's not. It doesn't feel like he's really playing with the other comedians very much, but he was just like. He basically said whites were here first, and. And it was. It was like he was giving a history lesson, and I. I was like, oh, my God. How.

[C]

That's so good.

[B]

See, that's a funny joke there. That's a funny joke. Weiss were here first.

[A]

Yeah, I missed. You're right. See, this is why I need. I need to watch with you, because a lot of it goes over my head.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, Miles, why don't you help us? Guess what year this paper's from. It could be very old. It could be a little recent. The good news is Dave has some sort of issue with me, so he will say, you win. But remember, even if he does, I win if I'm closer. Just remember that. So go ahead, weird person. Go ahead, Miles. Just guess. A year.

[B]

Oh, I just throw a year out.

[A]

I don't get to hear anything tossed. A year?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. I'm gonna say 1898.

[A]

It's a great guess.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

I'll say 1881.

[C]

Oof. It is 1919.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Congratulations.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

That one. You actually won, Miles.

[B]

Nice. Yeah. Excellent.

[C]

What a rude thing to say. Of course he won. He guessed better. It's a very weird way to frame it. You act like what.

[A]

I think we need to start hanging up on the walls some of that workplace stuff where they show how you help someone choking. And also what's okay to do in a workplace because that's hostile. Go ahead.

[C]

I feel like what you're doing right now feels a little.

[A]

Do not fucking try to say I'm being hostile while you're actively being hostile.

[C]

Okay? The. The.

[A]

Put your hand down. Are you attacking me?

[C]

Yeah, my wrist.

[B]

Boys, boys, boys. You Americans are always fighting. Just calm down.

[A]

Watch it.

[B]

Calm down, bud.

[C]

Can I watch it?

[A]

I got over there once. I'll come back there again. I'll meet you at the Rio again. He's very tall.

[C]

How much?

[A]

That's what they don't tell you.

[C]

How much can I pay you to do. To. To do an episode on Gareth special?

[A]

I was going to say. What was it? The. I. The. When you watched me do a show the other night, were you. Were there a lot of times where you thought about hitting this?

[B]

Well, if listeners haven't seen Garris stand up, it's actually. He goes out, first thing he does, takes his shirt off. It's crazy. Tears the shirt off. And he drinks a liter of vodka right off the. And the crowd is chanting, gareth, Gareth. And he drinks the whole thing. And then he does two hours of standing stand up. I mean, I wish I could pause it, but it's so full throttle and.

[A]

He'S so drunk, if you pause it, it goes on longer. That's the problem. Miles gave Dave and I pins that said one of the thousand with a diamond on it. And I'll just let people figure out what that means.

[C]

It is the Vancouver Weekly Colombian. Is that still around, Miles, or the weekly Vancouver Colombian?

[B]

I think it was bought by private equity and rolled into a restaurant chain, but okay, maybe.

[C]

So it's like everything Italian, barber, handy with gun. I mean. Yeah.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

So you used to be America. Be the United States.

[C]

This is Vancouver. No, this is the Vancouver, Washington. Oh, oh, oh, oh, sorry, did I not.

[A]

No, you didn't say that. Yeah. Miles, you have every right.

[C]

No, we don't. We don't do Canadian papers. Is there a maca movement up there?

[B]

A maga movement? Yeah.

[C]

American. Canadian.

[A]

Make America Canada again.

[C]

Make America Canada.

[B]

It was very. We had a truck convoy. We invented the truck convoy.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

We Invented basketball and the truck convoy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Here's what I always say. Whatever gets Russell Brand on board with your cause. Yes.

[B]

I've always said the same thing.

[C]

Thing too.

[A]

He's one of the best to ever do it.

[B]

Would you say it's so funny, his accent. His accent is. You just can't understand what he's saying. But every once in a while vaccines come out of that. I love it. He's so funny. He's so funny. And he looks very smelly.

[C]

He does look smelly. I just wanted to scare him. Was the excuse given by Joe Palilla, a washugal barber of Italian. This is hard to read. Extraction for shooting Al Ennons of Washougal through the arm yesterday evening at 4:30. It's just the arm on the north bank highway.

[A]

Okay, that's fine. Arm is through in America. Yeah. Through in America. Miles. An arm shot is sort of. It's not really a gunshot.

[C]

It's like a warning back.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's a warning shot. That's a warning shot. So our way of saying hey, I could get closer to the head. Yeah, yeah. So that's fine.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

This is the worst name. Palula was arrested by Marshall Cochran of Camas and taken to Clark county jail. Evans was taken to the hospital and given treatment.

[D]

Well, that's nice.

[A]

Yeah, that is. That's good. I wonder where in the haircut it was because if you like. He only did like the. The one half, you know, it's on.

[C]

The highway so I don't think there's anything to do with the haircut.

[B]

Well that's the thing. You get your haircut on the side of the highway, you know.

[A]

Yeah. You never got.

[B]

You never done that. Mobile barber got the freeway cut guy with a pair of scissors in one hand and a gun in the other.

[A]

And you just hitchhiking with scissors. How much we'll cut for ride? That's actually. That seems possible to me that America could get there.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So you're a barber.

[C]

According to the story told of the affair, Enin was in an automobile coming toward Vancouver while Paolo was traveling in a car going the other way. There we go.

[A]

That's a problem.

[C]

As they passed near Vancouver, Palilla is alleged to have suddenly seized a.22 caliber rifle. A rifle. He shot a rifle while driving.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

At another driver.

[A]

Yeah. Hell yeah, that's right. Mile. Yeah. See Miles, I know that it's not in your nature to say a hell yeah there but I appreciate you maybe do one more just so we have it for post Hell, yeah.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

Very, very casual. Don't laugh sweetly after you say it, though. That doesn't. That sort of takes away from it.

[B]

I can't help it. I get, you know, all this gun talk, you know, I know we're talking through screens, but I just want to make sure you guys can't shoot me from where you are. If you. If you. You might be able to bank it.

[A]

Oh, yeah, we. No, we are. No, we've got no. In American zooms. You're able to actually shoot a guy in American. Have you installed the latest? Yeah, we could at you.

[C]

He fired at Ennin, who was in the front seat. The bullet struck Enance in the arm, and after he was taken to the hospital, it was found that he was painfully but not seriously injured.

[A]

Well, yeah, no, it's painful. I mean, that's such a fun. It did hurt him.

[C]

Who writes. This is. And say why? Well, who writes?

[A]

Yeah. That is.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

How do you not put why?

[A]

I don't know. That is crazy, because it's just a.

[C]

Headline, what we just read. There's nothing else.

[A]

Why. Why would be helpful.

[C]

A barber shot a guy with a rifle while driving.

[A]

Yeah. Why? I don't know. I don't know.

[B]

You know, there's not that many cars back. What year is this? 1911.

[C]

You say 1919.

[B]

1919. There's like that many cars in Washington. Like, that might be why the car.

[A]

He's like, I'm the only guy with a car. Hey, what are you doing? I'm the car guy.

[B]

I'm the car guy.

[A]

Yeah. I'm the car man. Jesus Christ. There's another car. Shoot him.

[C]

The only facts we got out of this is that one guy's an Italian barber, nothing else.

[A]

Probably the most important part is that he was an immigrant. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

That's what they're saying.

[A]

I think that's pretty big.

[C]

This is. This story is basically fucking Italians. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Well, this guy is one of the best to ever do it. My opinion.

[B]

When did that stop? Did it ever stop? You know, that. Fucking Italians. Headlines.

[C]

No, no, it's never stopped.

[A]

Well, you know what? It did stop and. But we paused it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We're working our way through now who the real problem is. You know, very soon we'll go back to it. We'll. We'll have, like, an Italian ice.

[B]

I remember seeing there was like, a Frank Sinatra PSA against racism from, like, the 1960s, and he's just describing different people that are now white. He's like, remember, kids, even if people come from all sorts of races. Irish, Polish, Italian, Northern England, Southern England.

[A]

Like, it's like, don't worry, Irish is now white, too.

[B]

Treat them nicely. You guys don't have to go.

[A]

Treat them nicely. They're also white. A lot of these people. People are now white.

[C]

We had a celebration.

[A]

People are now white.

[C]

We had a celebration of the un.

[A]

I got to see if I could find this.

[B]

It's so funny.

[C]

Us flooding world with movie propaganda.

[A]

Oh, man. That stops for Top Gun, too.

[C]

Fear that the United States, by flooding the world with her movies is putting over clever prop. American propaganda is expressed by a writer in the Actor, official organ of the English Actors Association.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Hey, we don't need this. You know what I mean? Why don't you pipe down, Englanders?

[B]

Did you find the Frank Sinatra clip?

[A]

Tony Bennett? I found, but I think he was doing the same thing. He's like, I'm not white.

[E]

Leave me alone. I'm a white guy now.

[C]

It's me.

[B]

Official decree. That's all they need.

[E]

Leave me alone. We could still be rude Asian people. It's me, Tony Bennett.

[C]

The other evening, said the writer, I witnessed a drama dealing with the evils of strong drink.

[A]

I've said that. Yeah.

[C]

Now, this type of screen drama is very suitable for the United States, where they are still at loggerheads over the drink. Question. But why on earth.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[C]

Oh. But why on earth palm this rot into poor old Britain? What?

[A]

What?

[C]

What?

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Is it supposed to be said in an English accent? Palm this rot.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Palm this rot into old poor Britain.

[A]

Yeah. Do you want to do an English accent? Don't laugh.

[C]

My.

[A]

She's allowed to laugh. That. He's one of the best to ever do it. So are you.

[B]

Just keep doing Italian.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

It's a spicing me ball.

[D]

No.

[C]

Then there is the war drama in which all the naval and military glories of America are shown to the utter exclusion of the Allies. This ought to be banned in this country. So who gives a. I do.

[A]

This is important. Yeah. This is. This is how we got mega. This is big.

[C]

You seem. That's it. We're done. That's the whole.

[A]

People in Canada like Trump, right? Miles.

[B]

Tons of people do. Yeah, for sure. Great. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's definitely in Alberta as well.

[C]

Super popular up there.

[A]

One of the best to ever do it.

[B]

Yeah, He's. I mean, he's. Yeah. Trump's very funny comic.

[A]

Yeah, he's great.

[C]

He's trying to turn your country into a good country.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is, you know, he wants to absorb us. But it's so funny. Like, America already bought Canada, like, 20 years ago.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Like, I mean, how. How long until he's, like, at the podium? Like, Italians are no longer white.

[B]

Total disaster. Just people just. Everyone starts getting shot while they're driving. Just taking 22s to the arm. Bada bing. That's what we say when shooting the arm. Bada bang. 22.

[A]

Good. There we go.

[B]

Pull that out of your shoulder.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Gareth.

[D]

The Pastimes is brought to you by Rocket Money.

[A]

Rocket Money.

[D]

Let me tell you something. Pre Rocket Money, I would spend so much time trying to keep track of my finances, the streaming and the. All the whatever I'm paying for there. I had a magazine. Did I tell you this? I had a magazine that I was paying for for, like, 10 years that I didn't even know about. Discover magazine.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

And it would just get.

[C]

It would just get charged. It would just char to. Well, I had an old credit card.

[D]

That I never use anymore, and I just don't really check.

[C]

And so, like, every three years, it.

[D]

Would renew and I'd be like, wait, what?

[A]

Where was the magazine going? To another address. To your house?

[D]

Yeah, old address.

[A]

So some guy was like, all right, it's a good gravy train.

[D]

So Raga Money was like, hey, man, you still reading this? And I was like, what is that?

[A]

I'm not.

[C]

So, yeah, so.

[D]

But also just like, in general, like, you know, trying to keep track of how many charges you're getting and where they're all coming from and what card they're going to and all that stuff. Rocket Money just saves you so much time because Rocket Money just organizes it all and says, hey, this is what you're getting.

[A]

It is a fairly predatory industry to some extent to get you to sign up for the free trip. They really play on how dumb we're getting because you're like, yeah, I'll do that. And then future use, like, wait, what? Not a year?

[D]

Yeah. And so now we have Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money has found some of my kids video game things from years ago. Like I said, just found a magazine. It just keeps finding stuff. And then there's stuff that I sign up for. Like, I just signed up for an AFL playoff subscription and then forgot about it. And a month later I get charged again. And Rocket Money's like, hey, hey, you remember you're Gonna cancel this.

[A]

And I'm like, listen, they do a lot of stuff over there, Rocket Money. But that is, to me, that's their legacy. The free trial bouncer.

[D]

Yeah, that's it. That's it. That's what Rocket Money is really best at. But Rocket Money does a ton of other stuff. It can consolidate checking and savings and loans and investments into a single dashboard and give you just a clear view of the financial picture. So it's great. It's saved me a ton of money. Saved me money on my Internet. They renegotiated that for me.

[A]

Ton of money. Where it pays for itself.

[D]

Yeah. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster.

[A]

Let's go ahead, I'll do the jingle.

[D]

Oh, boy. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail]. that's RocketMoney.com.

[A]

From them right here. And I'm reading it. We love the jingle. It says no.

[D]

Absolutely.

[A]

Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Go ahead and save yourself some Pokemon.

[D]

Well, if they like it so much, why does it change every time?

[A]

They said find it forever is what they're known.

[D]

Gareth. The Pastimes is also brought to you by Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile, of course, A phone service much like your other mobile phone services, I would say, exactly like, because they have the same quality. It's the exact same kind of situation. You get your data, you get your phone calls, you're texting, and it's way, way cheaper.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, people, I think, just assume it's.

[C]

Not going to be as good because it's cheaper. It's just as good. No, they hack, you just save. Yeah, you just save a bunch of money.

[D]

So, look, now that the holidays are over, you know, you might be feeling like you've got a big spending hangover, right? You spend a lot of money. The drinks, the holiday food, the gifts, blah, blah, blah. It just adds up, piles up. But look, now you got Mint Mobile. They're going to help you cut back on overspending on wireless this January with 50% off.

[B]

Good God.

[D]

What are the limited premium wireless now? They're just what I use, Mint Mobile. I've actually been with all the other big services. It's good. It works. There's no reason not to do it unless you just don't want to. Unless you just want to have less money.

[A]

There are people who, like, they have that fetish where they just like to not have money. So if that's what you stay where you are. If not, take the job.

[D]

Yeah, but it's like, it's. It just works. Mint Mobile's end of year sale is still going on, but only until the end of the month. And you can cut out all these big, bloated, grotesque other wireless plans.

[A]

That's right.

[D]

You get 50% off three, six or 12 months. Or 12 months of limited. That's a year. If you don't know what that is. And then they all come, all the plans. High speed data, unlimited talk and text through the nation's largest 5G network. Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan. Bring your phone number. Yep.

[A]

Only thing I'm flagging so far is this 12 months is a year thing. I think that's in Europe, but I think we do it.

[D]

You might be right. It might be 13 here. I don't know what a year is. I shouldn't have jumped. Yeah, I should have.

[A]

That's okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

So we.

[D]

We use MIN Mobile. We like it and we think you should use it. Please do it. It works.

[A]

Yeah, Just.

[D]

And we drive all over the country. It works.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So this January, quit overspending on Wireless with 50% off. Unlimited premium wireless plans start at 15amonth at mintmobile.com pastimes that's mintmobile.com pastimes Limited time offer. Upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or 180 DOL plan required. $15 a month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only. Over 50g GB may slow when network is busy. Capable device required. Availability, speed and coverage varies. SE mobile.com.

[C]

Cost fair speeder. $1 for slapping policemen.

[E]

Oh, man.

[A]

Can you imagine if they was a business for. For $1 to slap a cop? Sweet. They'd be like, gareth, You've had your 30 hits today, but can I do more?

[C]

He's a hundred.

[A]

Yeah, he's a hundred. I'm gonna beat the out of him. Garrett. That's not how this works. I'm gonna shoot him.

[B]

Just bad app stories. Just bad apples.

[A]

The bad ones.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

The 1%.

[C]

This is out of Dallas, Texas. It just costs $1 to slap a cop in this town.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

At least that is the rate for.

[A]

I bet they wrote that in the paper. And the cops are like, can you not do that? You not run with that headline.

[C]

At least that is the rate for slapping charged to pretty young women. Oh, get it? Yeah.

[A]

So hot girls can hit cops.

[B]

Unbelievable, right? Crazy, crazy double standard.

[C]

That is classic America. They just hate the way women have.

[A]

Always had it better.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Women are now white too.

[E]

Oh, Hey, I just found out women are also white.

[A]

Tony. Stick to the story, Tony.

[E]

Frogs are now human beings.

[A]

Tony, what are you doing? Kazi, you're dead.

[D]

Finally.

[E]

Tony, I'm telling you, everything's different now.

[C]

This week, when a cop tried to arrest Ms. Eva Garling because she was pegging along in her new. Oof.

[A]

It's not. Let's not. We're better than that.

[D]

Are we?

[E]

Hey. Pegging is now penis.

[B]

Pegging as a mode of transport.

[E]

Peggy, is now a way to get around for party.

[B]

To party.

[A]

Tony, what are you doing?

[E]

Buses are now cars and motorcycles.

[C]

This week when a cop tried to arrest Ms. Eva Garland because she was pegging along. And her new roadster at 50. At a 50 mile clip, she left the print of five dainty fingers on his ruddy complexion.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

She slapped his face so hard that he toppled over and lost his cap in the rear of the car. But he recovered.

[A]

Wow. That's a hit. He's okay.

[C]

He's okay.

[A]

Is the hat all right? No, the hat didn't make it.

[C]

We lost the hat.

[A]

The hat's gone.

[C]

But he recovered, got his, got his motorcycle and chased her to her home. Then he filed charges against her and she was fined $1. On charges of speed. Yeah, okay. What did he.

[A]

So they didn't even charge us?

[C]

She didn't slap him just for. Yeah.

[A]

So what's your theory?

[C]

He did a little bit of the old handy finger stuff.

[E]

Don't worry, your fingers are not allowed to do that.

[C]

Have you heard of President Trump, darling?

[A]

Oh, Christ.

[B]

I know. No charge for pegging while driving either.

[C]

No, that's fine.

[B]

Figure me distract a driving charge, right?

[A]

Why were you. You've been drinking tonight? Oh, no, officer. Were you pegged a minute ago? She was pegged. Me. Step out of the car, sir.

[B]

Just once. Just one.

[A]

Just one. Yeah, just one peg.

[B]

One peg. And we were on.

[C]

Oh, no. I can't get pegged and drive. What the hey.

[E]

Now you can get pegged and drive. You're white.

[A]

Tony, what is this ad?

[E]

Now you can now sit. You can sit on a stick the whole time. It's called driving. And you're white. Italians are white. You can get paid while you're driving. Your dad's your best friend. He goes to school with you.

[B]

Now, I like this guy. I like this guy.

[C]

Do you?

[B]

No. I like this guy.

[A]

He's a funny.

[B]

He's a funny guy.

[E]

You see, I like Miles. Miles American. Now he's white.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

No, no.

[B]

I'm Sicilian. Throwing. Throw. I don't speak the language.

[E]

Sicilians are still a race, and we should hate them.

[C]

Bowling, dancing in church. Pastor says sins modern. This is modern. Churches should be equipped with bowling alleys and provisions for dancing.

[A]

Baptist ministers were told, this guy is on this.

[C]

He's onto something. This is exactly what they need. Imagine if the. The aisle was a bowling alley.

[A]

Imagine if church was a Dave and Buster's. Do you have Dave and Buster's there, Miles?

[B]

I think we do, actually. Those are the restaurants that are really loud, right? They got lots of games. Oh, yeah, they got lots of.

[C]

First descriptor was way off.

[A]

Hey, Miles. Tried to find the best arcade restaurant again.

[B]

We had a place. We had a place called Johnny Z's in Victoria, and it was fairly controversial because we say Zed here in Canada.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So it doesn't really have the same zing when you say Johnny Zeds.

[A]

Johnny Zeds.

[B]

But I can still smell the carpet. It's no. Gone for a long time, but I can still.

[A]

Yeah. Legally, you're not allowed to anymore.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't think they asked you to leave. No. There. I. I do love that. Like, I. When I was a kid and I'd go to England, you know, we had Six Flags or enormous amusement parks here, and there was only one in England, and it was called Alton Towers. And it was just like. Like, you know, the fair that comes to town for four days, it was like that. It was so.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Run down. And the costume characters, you'd be like, what are you to be like? Oh, I'm Sniffy Bear. This is real dog. You just get on rides. They'd be like, it's shut down because two of the children have been electrocuted.

[B]

It's very similar in Canada. We don't really do these with parks here. We just have. Sometimes a group comes through town and they have something that spins you around till you puke and.

[D]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they leave, and you're like, well, maybe we should visit the United States for this. But again, we can't right now because of the tariffs. 30% tariff if you. If you have fun.

[A]

Yep. No, we're not. We're not allowing that. He was smiling. Get him out.

[E]

Smiling is now mean. You're not having a good time.

[A]

You're white.

[B]

Smiling is white now.

[E]

Smiling's white.

[A]

By the way, I'm noticing that the enthusiasm on the podcast is dying for my Tony Bennett saying, it stopped a while ago. It's not gonna stop me.

[C]

I know.

[B]

Okay, everyone's aware it is Christmas time. That Is the Tony Bennett season.

[E]

Santa's officially a white guy.

[A]

It's funny.

[C]

When is it stopping Funny.

[E]

Rudolph's nose is officially white.

[A]

You didn't see that coming.

[C]

No, I did.

[A]

I'll see you in court. Sue you on this show.

[C]

Modern churches should be equipped with bowling alleys and provisions for dancing. Baptist ministers here were told by Reverend JJ Felon of Toledo, Ohio. He says, quote, many amusements must be taken out of their present surroundings. Why should pool, billiards or bowling have evil associations when they can be made into wholesome pastimes? Dancing can be overdone. But it is.

[A]

We just said the title of the show. Dude, stop. You're supposed to look in the camera.

[C]

Oh, it. Wait. Bowling. Why should pool, billiards of bowling have evil associations when they can be made into wholesome pastimes?

[A]

Glasses off. And then we'll play the who. We got it, Preston.

[C]

Dancing can be overdone, but it has true value as physical exercise and in the development of poise. This would have made religion so much better and more people would go, that's what he's saying. Yes.

[A]

Yeah, I completely agree. He's making a lot of sense for the time.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Why not have a bowling alley? What's the big deal?

[A]

It's weird. I think he's really going very far, though, because he's basically saying, these are not sins. And then he's going, we will turn it into a bowling alley. I mean, the vibe in church is vastly different.

[C]

I mean, and then you get stripper poles and you just take it in a better direction.

[A]

It's just Bada Bing. It's just Tony Soprano's play.

[B]

Here he comes. He's coming back. More Tony's. More Tony.

[A]

Who do you think? Who? I don't know who you're talking about.

[B]

His big basketball.

[A]

Oh, wait, wait. So now you guys want it, These Italian guys there?

[B]

Jared, this is not how you win a Tony. By doing Tony.

[A]

I know that.

[B]

That's not how the awards work.

[A]

Can you. How much better would the Tony Awards be if only Tony's got nominated and it had nothing to do with theater.

[B]

Only Tony's number one Tony of this year, Kill Tony. Tony number one Tony.

[A]

Never do it.

[C]

Have you ever done a Kill Tony episode? I've never seen that.

[B]

Yeah, I've done quite a few. In fact, it was one of my favorite episodes I did was watching Tony Hinchcliffe's comedy. And it's like a clip. It's like the first comedian, and he calls the comedian a racial slur. But the first half is this comedian. It's a very controversial thing, but since the joke explainer is like an idiot. I watched the first comic as if I thought he was Tony Hinchcliffe explained it for six minutes, and then Tony shows up, and I go, oh, this is okay. We kept. We kept it all in. And I just. My favorite thing about doing this character as such a idiot is because sometimes, like, and I'll be doing live streams and people will throw comedians on there that I actually like. And so the only way I can keep it funny is by leaning into being more of an idiot or, like, suggesting maybe they should say, get her done after their punchline to, like, kind of up the value of the comedy of it.

[A]

But, yeah, it's been you. There's been a little bit of growth with the character, but it is still pretty pure in what it is. It's still very. Even when the. The. The host is exasperated and not. I'm not really sure what he's going for there, but it's. It's very funny.

[C]

The best way to watch a Rogan special.

[A]

You've watched Rogan?

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

How many have you done?

[B]

We've done so many now. We've done so many, and it's. It's hard. Like, some of them get more attention than others, I think. I don't know how the algorithm.

[A]

The bigger the comic, maybe the more attention. I think.

[B]

I think so. But I've done huge comics. I've done really big comics. And. And they don't get as much as people that are sort of in.

[A]

I watched. I watched you do a Howie Mandel, like, 80s special a little while ago. That was. That is. Sometimes. That's why it's great. Like, it. Do they not get taken down at all ever? Is it because you're adding. Sometimes they do.

[B]

Sometimes.

[A]

The Howie Mandel one was. It's a shocking, shocking performance. Shocking.

[C]

He was great.

[A]

It's. It was honestly very nauseating episode.

[B]

And in that one, too, I lean into how dumb.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He's gonna die before this episode drops.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, buddy, what if he.

[C]

What?

[A]

Chill out. It'd be weird if that. What if he dies with a rubber glove on his head? That's how the coroner checks to see if he's still alive. Puts a glove on his head. He's like. It's not inflating.

[B]

I remember watching. I think what made me. So I did the Howie episode. I mean, he was on the radar for a while, but I did it because I saw an interview with Howie. And he was talking about how he was explaining his act to a reporter. He's like, you know, I just put a, you know, I'm ocd. So I always had these rubber gloves in my pocket. I put one on my head, and I blew it up like a balloon. And, and, and it really got a big laugh. And, you know, it may seem ridiculous, but I bought my first house with that act. And I, like, the life left my body. I was just like, that's a, that's a house. Amount of money for the glove on the head. I was like, what was life like back then? Like, what was the 80s? Must have been unbelievable.

[A]

It's crazy.

[C]

What's interesting, that, and, and Tony Hinchcliffe, like, yeah, Tony was the luckiest man in the history of comedy to me.

[A]

Yeah, I, I, I don't agree. I, I, I think the, I, I mean, buying a house off a rubber glove on your face.

[C]

Yeah. But the difference is, is that Mandel was actually a good actor. Like, he actually had some skill and talent.

[A]

Watch the episode that Miles did. I'm gonna, I'm gonna really need you to. What they've done, the Bachelors of Music have. I think you might be thinking a little bit on what you're saying right now, my friend.

[B]

People accuse me sometimes, you know, a lot of time, the comment section is wonderful, but sometimes people are like, this is guy's just jealous. And I'm like, yeah, of course I am. Are you kidding me?

[A]

But you get that all the time anytime you comment on anything. Like, there was a guy. What did the guys. This guy said something to me the other day. He said, I, I, this woman was making fun of Rob Reiner, Rob Reiners. She's like, I can't remember, but whatever. I made a, I made a snarky comment, and I got a lot of the right wing going at it. And this one guy was like, you look like a background extra in a claymation movie. About, like, I saw that. And I was like, I'll be. That's pretty good. I was like, it's pretty good. I was like, you're pretty good. It's a little wordy, but this is pretty good. But they just, no matter what you comment on, though, well, you, you're just jealous because you're not full. You're not. You don't have $100 million. I'm like, sure, great.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Everybody's jealous of $100 million.

[A]

Way to go.

[C]

What are you talking about?

[A]

Way to go. All right, good stuff. Now can we get back to the actual facts of the conversation.

[B]

I thought it was so, like. And a lot of people, when the. You know, we got some action when the Riyadh Comedy Festival thing all happened and they were all. All that was in the news, you know, we were. We were so ahead of everybody. Like, we've.

[A]

We've.

[B]

Since we started, we've had a Patreon tier that is entirely written in Arabic that says, for $2,000 a month, we will further the interests of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. Like, we said it years ago. We've had it forever.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And we've been just begging for Mohammed bin Salman to please, we'll do whatever. Well, you can steer the joke explainer.

[A]

To whoever you want, but at that point, you have no right to make fun of Riyadh. I. I know you know that, but obviously, if you co. Signed that deer for. Honestly, that's pretty cool to see that coming. That's. That is cool.

[B]

Like, I just.

[D]

It was.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I could. I. I just thought that was so funny. Like, the responses for that, too, were just like, they did it for money. And I just love how they weren't. They were pretending they weren't. Like, if I ever did that, I'd be like, yeah, no, I did it for money. Every day I hear mice fighting in my walls. So I did this. I did this for the check so that I can have a dishwasher. But I can understand, like, you know, when they get a certain. If you were like, a mogul and they were like, how much more? And I actually explained this on the joke explainer. People were always asking, why. Please, Miles, explain the Riyadh Comedy Festival. Say, well, when you get to a certain level of comedy, you know, like Kevin Hart. If Kevin Hart doesn't make a certain amount of money, he'll be acquired by Gabriel Iglesias and absorbed into his. Like, they're like businesses.

[A]

They're not like the Blob.

[B]

Yeah. They're not like comedy anymore. They're now huge empires that are fighting. And, you know, China might buy all of American comedy. If they don't, you don't maintain liquidity in the market. So you got it.

[A]

No, I think you're lucky to be ahead of something like that, because Dave and I were quite vocal being very disappointed in what took place. We were on the wrong side of history.

[B]

In the old days, you know, comedians would often try to get laughs, but you got to get bags now. You got to get the bag.

[A]

Yeah, that's true.

[C]

That's right. Get the bag.

[E]

Hey, everybody, Riyadh's not white.

[C]

That one works because it's so bad on. You've dropped into this level.

[E]

Khashogi's white. We reanimated Khashoggi.

[B]

Is Tony Bennett alive? Is he dead?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

No, I died.

[E]

But I'm white now. I died about a year and a half ago.

[C]

He did?

[E]

Yeah, I'm dead.

[C]

Okay, but who's this character you're doing?

[E]

Tony Bennett.

[A]

I'm white.

[E]

I'm Zombie Tony.

[C]

Because it seems more like you're one of the guys in the background of the Sopranos.

[E]

Hey, come on. That white?

[C]

What?

[E]

Yeah, Ma's white.

[B]

See, in the old days, if. If Italians weren't white, Gareth would be racist right now. But they've been white for 2020.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

And by the way, I'm getting away with this because of parody.

[E]

I'm white.

[B]

He saved himself.

[C]

Cops, not busy citizens. Use them for odd jobs. Okay, Is this at a Steubenville, Ohio, with the rest showing a reduction from 400 to 60 in a month because of Prohibition. The question of what to do with the policeman is the burning question here. That's a terrible sentence.

[A]

It's not good.

[C]

Very upset by it. Citizens understanding the situation have sought out the idle cops for different odd jobs. Desk records at the police station show that there were 11 calls from women who wanted their automobiles cranked. One from a businessman who wanted.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Who wished.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Three mice killed.

[D]

Hey.

[A]

That's. Hey. And it's Miles turf.

[B]

That's why it's funny. When I got the note saying, make sure you record in a quiet environment, I was just like. I was banging on the walls. Just before this, I was like. I was like, you guys, shut the up.

[A]

Well, it's funny. We sometimes where we record, there's a guy. Guy who's in like, the office next door who clearly thinks he's in boiler room.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I mean, his dude is on the phone closing the weirdest deals all day long, screaming. Yeah, I mean, we're in here screaming, too, but we are a lot of times. Like this guy.

[B]

This guy.

[C]

Three calls from women who wanted dead rats buried. One call to exterminate a swarm of bugs with about an arc light. Oh, yeah, okay. And four calls from women shoppers who mislaid their parasols.

[B]

Mislaid their parents.

[C]

I don't believe that for a second.

[A]

Yeah, I mislaid a parasol once.

[D]

Did you?

[C]

What happened?

[A]

Put it up my butt.

[C]

I just. I'm upset about everything.

[A]

Walk me through It.

[C]

It's just.

[E]

You lied.

[C]

It's just so bad.

[B]

That was a call. See, that was a call back to the. Tony.

[A]

Explain the joke. What I'm dealing with is called repetition.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's no longer funny, but I do believe if I hold strong.

[C]

You're wrong.

[B]

Okay, exactly.

[C]

Places. $625 a month value on his toothache.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

So, Cleveland, how much per month is a toothache worth? $625, I'm guessing.

[A]

I don't know. I'm British.

[C]

A jury will have to decide this question. In a suit brought by a common pleas court here by Anton Smolik against the St. Clair Avenue dentist. Smolik puts it at $625 a month. He asked $5,000 in damages, claiming that he visited the dentist last January and had the tooth treated. And despite the dentist's assurance to the contrary, it continues to ache.

[A]

Wow, that'd be. It would be really fun to sue your dentist.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Right?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. You don't think so? Is that just the American mentality, Miles? What? You want good things for your dentist?

[D]

Oh, are you.

[C]

Are Dennis and Canada's. Are they good people?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We have.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We actually just got dental care passed. Big, big, big flex on you guys. It's. It's very. It's. It's funny to watch, like, the way American and Canadian politics, how we get mad about stuff. Like, Americans get mad about the thought of doing something, and Canadians react to stuff that's already been passed. Like, legislation happens, and then we're like, whoa, what just happened? Americans are like, whoa. We're debating. Are Italians white? But.

[A]

Okay, hold on. Go ahead.

[C]

He came at us.

[A]

He's coming.

[C]

He came at us pretty.

[A]

What he's saying is, oh, teeth are part of the body. Not in America, baby.

[C]

Yeah, that. Teeth and eyes not part of the body.

[A]

Yeah. Or ears.

[C]

Yeah. What are you guys doing up there that. You think the teeth. Teeth and the eyes are part of the human body?

[A]

Yeah. By the way, we don't have eyes yet.

[B]

No eyes.

[A]

Oh, okay. Good. That's good. Have you seen these new tray, these crest trays? They're for your teeth now they're white. That was good, man. Come on.

[B]

Oh, that hurt.

[A]

Your tooth. Why'd you hold your mouth?

[B]

That was a callback.

[C]

I haven't been that. I heard the Canadians have dentistry.

[A]

Yeah, that is tough to hear.

[C]

Have you guys thought about just not doing any of that and letting yourselves die in the street?

[A]

I mean, we don't have any shootings or malls.

[B]

We still do that. But we have. You know, the teeth are looked after.

[C]

Okay. Okay, tell me this, buddy. How many thousands of dollars a month are you paying for health insurance?

[A]

Bingo. We. We can't high five, because if we break our hands.

[C]

How much thousands of dollars a month are you.

[A]

You're not paying for. Phrasing the question properly.

[C]

Health coverage.

[B]

You guys are. You guys are breaking up. You guys have. How's your electricity down there? You guys have electricity.

[A]

Just coming at us.

[B]

You guys are. You guys are all garbled. What's going on?

[A]

What we were saying was, usa.

[C]

Usa.

[B]

You guys were just cheering America. You got. I figured.

[C]

So you. You missed three minutes of USA Chanting. Yeah.

[B]

Usa. USA Chant. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, Dave took his shirt off and pounded a picture.

[B]

Canadians are very. We're very smug about our health care, and I don't want to impose that on you guys. You guys have a lot of good. You guys have a lot of amusement parks down there. We don't have.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

I don't.

[C]

Making good points.

[A]

I don't think he knows what smugness is. When he apologizes for doing it.

[C]

He. We have more fun. These guys are all like, oh, I want to be healthy, like a bunch of fucking nerds, you know? And we're like, you know, if you. If you die because you got a wart, fine.

[A]

You know what nerds are to us, Miles? It's a candy that has ingredients that are illegal in every other country. Thank you. Go ahead.

[C]

That wouldn't. That would be more funny if I hadn't spent the morning reading a giant list of things that are illegal in other countries.

[A]

When you. When you're just like, wait, what? Yeah, Gatorade is not allowed anywhere else. You're like, what? Made with gasoline. Wait, what?

[C]

Skittles. No.

[A]

What? Skittles. No.

[C]

Breaks. Teeth on. Boston Baked Sue, Heinz Company.

[A]

This is so British.

[C]

You guys have Boston baked beans in Canada Baked beans?

[B]

Yeah, we have Heinz ones. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, we got the Heinz. Oh, yeah.

[C]

Boston baked.

[B]

I don't know if we have Boston baked. I think those. I think those have been illegal since the revolution here.

[A]

Miles. Dave is own. He's reeling from the fact that you guys now have dental insurance. He's kind of grasping to get one over your country. So I do apologize if for the rest of this. It seems like he's trying to showboat over things that don't matter.

[C]

Hey, look, we can. We can go down to Mexico and get our. Our teeth done for, like.

[A]

That's not A brag third of the. Stop talking.

[C]

In your face.

[A]

Stop talking.

[B]

No. You guys. You guys.

[C]

Charging.

[B]

You promise?

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Charging.

[A]

That feels like it's going bad, to be honest.

[C]

It's okay. Charging that she broke her teeth while eating beans.

[A]

It's not cool that right after he brags about them having de crystal coverage. This whole thing is about teeth chattering.

[C]

Beans from beans. America is so good that our teeth break from beans.

[B]

Do you guys have soft teeth or hard beans?

[C]

We have hard beans. Baked beans are very hard.

[A]

Do you have soft teeth or hard beads? That's the. That's like the lawyer to the jury as a gentleman. Jerry, you are tasked with figuring out if she had soft teeth or if Heinz made a hard bean. By the end of this trial, we will lead you to the solution to that question, and we'll finally be able to answer. I would posit they made hard beans.

[B]

I'm a family man. I'm a family man, and I.

[A]

When I was a boy, beans were as soft as the cool side of a pillow.

[B]

Imagine my face when I give my 11 children a handful of the hardest beans this side of the Mississippi.

[A]

My daughter eats beans.

[B]

I, I, I thought I heard. I thought I heard shattering like a window pane in the breakfast room.

[A]

Sounds like someone threw a rock through a window.

[C]

We having beans, Daddy?

[A]

Why?

[B]

I said too harder. Don't be weak. And that teeth flew out of their mouth like the.22 bullet out of the rifle of an Italian man.

[E]

Why?

[A]

What?

[C]

It just can't bleed into the next episode.

[A]

You're right. It can only bleed into every episode going forward. White.

[B]

You did j just institute a no italians policy? Circa 19. Circa 1922. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

[A]

Wow. That is disgusting.

[C]

But I've had that policy since I saw Jersey Shore.

[A]

Oh, that's. Come on. That's. They gave us the smush room, you idiot.

[C]

That's true.

[B]

That's not real. Are those real Italians or are those just New Jersey?

[C]

They're American Italian, so they're real.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Mary Armstrong has brought suit against the H.J. heinz Co. Of Cambridge for $2,500. It is contended that some foreign substance was in a can of beans so that the fair name of Boston Bake is not blemished.

[A]

So some hard object in the bean means. Probably.

[C]

Yeah. But if they. But they should have just now with rocks, they. They should have just settled out of court because now this is in the paper.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

People are suspicious.

[A]

Yeah, I agree.

[C]

Canadians don't know.

[B]

Yeah. It'd be a real Cautious. Chew for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Don't go all in on a bean now.

[A]

Don't bite into the beans. No, I couldn't agree more. Be careful being careful.

[B]

Go ahead.

[C]

Pays $5,500 for 110 cases of river water.

[A]

This is definitely. By the way, I don't think this person knew they were buying river water. Like, this is heavy. You promised. This is from the alps.

[C]

Pittsburgh, for 110 cases of dirty river water. $5,500. That's what Louis Pastrusi paid to sharp witted individuals here for whom the law officers are now looking. Patricia, who lives in a neighboring city, came to Pittsburgh to buy contraband liquor. Oh, well, there you go.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

He was taken in hand by the sharpers and led to an abandoned wholesale shop. Here he was given a sample of some of the very best brand whiskey and was told all the cases he saw contained more of the same name. Unsuspecting Patrici paid over the cash, and after hauling the load home in a truck, he discovered his watered stock.

[A]

So, yeah, I mean, that's. Yeah, that like one time I went to a Green Day concert and we thought we were buying a bag of weed. It was in a paper bag and the guy said, don't check it out. And we're like, that's weird. And then we gave him 30 bucks and it was pine needles.

[B]

How.

[C]

How did you. Were you able to get high off them, though?

[A]

No. And then another time, my. One of my friends sold a fake bag of weed to a kid at our school. This is horrible. But he like. We smoked the weed and he kept the stems and then he glued grass.

[C]

What are you talking about?

[A]

Onto the stems and he sold it to a kid at our school and we almost pissed our pants. This is terrible. But when the guy was like, what kind of weed was that? Some of that didn't go down too good. And we were like. He was smoking glass blue.

[C]

He has cancer now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Kids used to eat out of apples.

[A]

Oh, yeah, we used to have. Yeah. You ever do a can thing?

[B]

I thought, yeah.

[A]

You ever do a can? Tin can?

[B]

Gatorade bottles are classic too. Yeah.

[A]

That's a nice one. Nice one to do with the Gatorade in it.

[B]

Nice bong full of water.

[A]

You can't go on record as far as smoking weed, can you, Miles?

[B]

On record? Well, it's legal here in Canada.

[A]

Oh, okay. Are you a recreational marijuana user?

[B]

Sometimes, if I'm on vacation. But I tend to go a little bit insane on it. I'm not gonna lie Weed is not good for my brain. One time I took a weed gummy, and 24 hours later, I thought I was gonna be totally sober, but I couldn't. I was driving. I didn't pull onto the highway for, like, 20 minutes. I just kept staring. I was like, I'm pretty sure there's more cars coming. And I just pulled over. But I was like, 24 hours should be enough. No. And you can't be smoking weed when you've got rats fighting in your walls all around you. Like, you know, the paranoia. The paranoia is just too much to handle.

[C]

Gypsy women asked to bless.

[A]

Next story, please.

[C]

Gypsy women asked to bless. Money. Steal it. St. Louis. Two gypsy women.

[A]

Jesus Christ. We're not supposed to use that word.

[C]

We're using we're bringing it back.

[A]

After.

[C]

We get the voice back.

[B]

Esmeralda.

[A]

Nice try.

[B]

Come on.

[C]

What's wrong?

[A]

That.

[E]

What?

[C]

Two gypsy women entered the notion store conducted by Joseph Bauer.

[D]

Here.

[C]

They bought a tray and three jelly glasses. What the fuck is a notion store?

[A]

I'm sorry. What the fuck is a jelly glass? What, like for jam?

[C]

I think if we knew what a notion store was, then we could have more of an understanding.

[A]

I think a notion store is their apple. Apple store?

[B]

What notion store?

[C]

You think a notion store is an apple store?

[A]

Well, you know, like the computer.

[C]

Oh, the computer. No. So you think that three jelly glasses is the equivalent?

[A]

Honestly, it's all about notion. The AI.

[B]

Jelly glasses from a notion store. This my story. Sounds like AI.

[A]

Yeah. You're not notion. It's so funny. That notion has just ruined figuring that out. Out.

[C]

What is a notion store Sells sewing accessories, tools like button zippers, thread needles, ribbons, and seam rippers. Essentially a haberdashery rather than the main fabric.

[A]

And a jelly glass, like we said, for jams.

[C]

Okay, well, that's weird, but that's what it says. It is. Yep.

[A]

There we go. See, Miles, this is how this show works. Two curious idiots using AI to figure out shit.

[C]

How much have you in the cash register? Asked the older woman. Bauer said he thought $3 was about the amount. Show me. I bless it, said the woman.

[A]

Oh, well, I'd love to have my money. Blessed Americans.

[C]

And Bauer accommodated her. So he just shows her the money. If someone. If. If a couple ladies come into your store and they ask how much you have the cash register, you tell them and show them. Yeah, what else would you do?

[A]

And then they go, bless. We got to go bless it at the church. We'll be back soon.

[C]

Women, how much money have you Got in your pocket. I bless it also.

[A]

All right, well, I've got 18 in my pocket. Wow. I'm glad you ladies walked in. I was walking around with all those heathen bucks.

[C]

Bauer pulled out his purse and placed it on the counter.

[A]

Here you are.

[C]

This guy's a idiot.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

A customer came in and Bauer went to wait on her.

[A]

Excuse me. You bless the money. I'll be right back.

[C]

You ladies watch over my money, would you?

[A]

Hello, lady far away. What can I help you with today?

[C]

When he returned, the two women were gone. And so were two five dollar bills that had been in the purse.

[A]

Wait a minute.

[C]

I think witnesses said that the women had entered an automobile with two gypsy men in department parted.

[A]

Well, Gypsies. Yeah, honestly. Yeah, get. Get one more in Gypsies. Okay.

[B]

And that's that.

[C]

That and that's the latest episode.

[A]

Yeah, that's the end of that.

[C]

Oh, Gypsies.

[A]

Stop saying it.

[C]

Why? It's a good word.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

All words are back, my friend.

[A]

Yeah. We did fight for this, by the way. We record in Austin. Well, Miles, thank you for joining us.

[B]

Thanks for having me.

[A]

People can watch you professionally explain jokes at the Bachelors of Music YouTube channel. Like I said, we encourage everyone to go there and really learn about the art of stand up comedy because you're. You're very good at explaining it, distilling it. I didn't realize. I actually started stand up after watching your tutorials. So people, to go over there, subscribe and. And enjoy. Make it your algorithm, like Dave and I have. My algorithm is you pop up a lot. So thank you, guys.

[B]

Yeah, I hope you learn a lot from the channel. I hope you learn a lot about, you know, all the different bits you can do and how, you know, possibly, you know, consider the Saudis. I'm just saying it.

[A]

Yep, that's very nice.

[B]

You know what a good. It's the future comedy. I know it's Austin now, but I think, yeah, Riyadh might be the new location.

[A]

I think you're right on the money with that, my man. Well, Miles, thank you again. We appreciate it.

[B]

Thanks, fellas.

[A]

Hey, Dollop fans. I know you love the Dollop. You love listening to the Dollop. Do you want to watch the Dollop? You're like, gareth, what are you talking about? By the way? It's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember of the rube. You can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the rube. It. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube.