165 - The Past Times with Natalia Kvalem

Summary

The Dollop Episode 165 - The Past Times with Natalia Kvalem

Podcast: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Date: March 13, 2026
Guest: Natalia Kvalem
Theme: Exploring the delightfully strange, mundane, and problematic headlines from the New York Herald, December 7, 1922, with characteristic Dollop wit and irreverence.

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Overview

In this installment of "The Past Times," Dave and Gareth are joined by comedian, circus performer, and burlesque artist Natalia Kvalem for a deep-dive into a randomly selected 1922 newspaper. The trio riff and react to stories ranging from bizarre thefts and gendered courtroom drama to prohibition headlines and the lighter side of prison life. As always, history is merely a launching pad for sprawling banter, wordplay, and absurd hypotheticals.

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Moments

1. Meet the Guest, Guess the Year

Timestamps: 01:18 – 04:06

• The trio banters about Natalia’s background in comedy, circus, and burlesque. Natalia jokes, “Criminal records, mostly. But beyond that, you can find me at Miss Kitty Divine…I do comedy, circus, and burlesque, you know, and for the right amount, I do take hits.” (02:05–02:23)
• They play the recurring guessing game of what year the newspaper is from. Natalia guesses the 1600s, Gareth says 2026, and Dave reveals: "It's 1922." (03:33)
• Light mockery ensues about always guessing the wrong decade and how guests usually win.

2. Headline: Whole Chicken, Ham & Kraut in Pockets

Timestamps: 05:02 – 13:20

• They confront the headline: “Whole cooked chicken, kraut in pockets.”
• Gareth compares the story to a scavenger hunt and wonders about the practicality of stuffing poultry in pockets. Natalia jokingly interprets “kraut” as “the original clout—you know, if you're walking around with a whole chicken, that's a lot.” (05:32)
• Dave reads the story about a dishwasher, Henry Kuzlo, who is caught with a roast chicken, two pounds of sauerkraut, a ham, and a bottle of ketchup hidden in his overcoat (10:19).
• Gareth, Dave, and Natalia argue about the proper role of ketchup. Gareth asserts, "Ketchup goes with everything," (11:12), while Natalia protests the condiment's inclusion in the smuggled feast.
• The consensus is that poor Henry is the victim of harsh economic times, not criminal intent.
• “You should be able legally to put as much food in your pockets as you can,” says Dave (12:57), leading to the running gag of a "ham magician" and "meat coat" flasher.

3. The Dog Who Can't Do Evil

Timestamps: 13:52 – 15:58

• A court defense is recounted: a Yorkville man claims his tiny French poodle is “deaf and thus can't do evil.” (14:02)
• Natalia and Gareth make fun of the weak logic, with Gareth throwing in, “Beethoven. Real jerk off. Also a dog.” (14:31)
• The trio riff on poodles' intelligence, canine duplicity, and Dave’s own three doodles: Pablo, Larry, and Maple.

4. Wife Can't Count, Husband Complains

Timestamps: 17:48 – 29:39

• Gareth highlights the ever-popular 1920s story: "My wife can't do math!"
• They joke about patriarchal logic—Gareth: “So you live in the era where women aren't allowed to spend any money...and yet this guy's all the way at the Supreme Court because he's like, she can't budget.” (20:40)
• Natalia introduces "girl math": “If a $50 item is 50% off, I just made $25 by buying!” (21:25), sparking Gareth’s reminiscence of “mom math.”
• Dave and Natalia question the foundational logic of the annulment case. Natalia: “I think he should be making more money. I think the problem isn't her math skills. It's that he's not making enough money to satisfy his wife.” (25:45)
• Gareth imagines a cunning wife pretending not to do math to trigger an annulment.
• Dave: "She does the reveal, which is like, you're 61 cents short. Wait, what? You idiot." (29:43)

5. Marital Strife and Restraining Orders, 1922-Style

Timestamps: 33:41 – 39:22

• They discuss a case where a judge orders a drunken, disorderly husband banned from the street his wife lives on for a year.
• “What you got to be a real piece of for a judge to be like, you need to move streets,” Gareth observes (34:31).
• The mechanics of visitation are mocked: “He will have to climb another fence and get in by his side door...We're gonna do the floor is lava the city for you.” (38:01, 38:47)

6. Dark Humor: Five Freed in Liquor Death & Comedy by Convicts

Timestamps: 40:41 – 46:33

• A story about five men charged with homicide after a woman’s death by acute alcoholism is analyzed. The group suspects foul play and mock-period legal logic.
• The group then examines a report on “Honey Girl,” a musical performed by convicts at Sing Sing Prison, drawing comparisons to modern prison reform and riffing on the notion of prison plays:
  “That is a play…This is the prison reform I wish to see," says Natalia (46:29–46:31).

7. Scandal! Smoking in the Senate

Timestamps: 47:01 – 51:02

• Senator-elect Wheeler from Montana “caused a mild sensation” by smoking a cigar in the Senate chamber. The group laments the bygone era when “smoking in the chamber” was headline news, with Gareth noting, “I pine for the time when that was in the paper.” (47:21)
• They lampoon the seriousness with which Senate etiquette was treated versus modern political scandals.

8. Mrs. Wilson Says Her Husband Obeys Orders

Timestamps: 52:15 – 54:16

• Edith Wilson, wife of President Woodrow Wilson, publicly declares how obedient and patient her husband has become during his illness.
• Jokes fly about spousal control, presidential syphilis, and marital diplomacy. Dave remarks: “We’re gonna need to put a little more iodine in your husband’s cocaine before we put it up his ass.” (53:49)

9. Yacht’s World Tour and Benevolent Racism

Timestamps: 54:36 – 59:22

• The group discusses a story about a yacht crew’s global trip, concluding with lighthearted skepticism and "sweet racism" as the travelers praise native “savages” for their hospitality and photogenic nature.
• Natalia: “Maybe, just maybe, we have something to learn from these morons.” (58:03)

10. Titanic & the Power of Belief

Timestamps: 55:31 – 59:52

• The segment turns to the Titanic, with Gareth and Natalia spinning an absurdist conspiracy that the ship’s fate isn’t actually sealed, “The Titanic is still floating around and only those who believe can see it.” (59:47)

11. Natalia’s Circus Plug

Timestamps: 60:55 – 61:13

• Dave and Gareth thank Natalia, urging listeners to check out her comedy, circus, and burlesque, and marvel at her insight and wit:
  “I do fire. I do Ariel. I do hula hoops and children's birthday parties and funerals.” — Natalia (60:59)

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Natalia (on alternative burlesque gigs): “For the right amount, I do take hits.” (02:22)
• Dave (on ketchup): “I think you should be able legally to put as much food in your pockets as you can.” (12:55)
• Gareth (on the ‘meat coat’ suspect): “He looks like a flasher, but instead it’s just buffet-style.” (13:23)
• Natalia (on ‘girl math’): “If a $50 item is 50% off, I just made $25 by buying!” (21:25)
• Gareth (on 1922 divorce logic): “You live in the era where women aren’t allowed to spend any money…yet this guy’s all the way to the Supreme Court because she can’t budget.” (20:40)
• Dave (on old political scandals): “The story is that he's smoking a cigar, and everyone's like, that's rude. Yeah, that's the story.” (49:11)
• Natalia (on prison musicals): “This is the prison reform I wish to see.” (46:29)
• Dave (on Woodrow Wilson): “We're gonna need to put a little more iodine in your husband's cocaine before we put it up his ass.” (53:49)

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Structure of the Episode

• 00:45–03:33: Guest intro & year guessing
• 05:02–13:20: Chicken/ham/kraut headline & kitchen banter
• 13:52–15:58: The deaf dog defense
• 17:48–29:39: “Wife can’t count” and girl math discourse
• 33:41–39:22: Judge bans husband from street
• 40:41–46:33: Liquor death / prison musical
• 47:01–51:02: Senate smoking “scandal”
• 52:15–54:16: Edith Wilson ‘rules’ Woodrow
• 54:36–59:22: Yacht world trip, sweet racism
• 60:55–61:13: Natalia’s circus/plug

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a classic Past Times: a tongue-in-cheek dissection of forgotten news, with tangents about everything from economic inequality and prison reform to condiment etiquette and conspiratorial Titanic optimism. Natalia brings sharp wit and fresh energy, sparring and riffing seamlessly with Dave and Gareth.

If you haven't listened:

• Expect irreverent humor, modern-day analogies, and sarcasm.
• The show doesn't shy away from the problematic or the absurd.
• The chemistry between the hosts and the guest is unforced and playful throughout.

Transcript

[A]

The Dollop will be on tour in March 2026. We are going to be in Buffalo on March 22. Then on the 23rd, we'll be in Syracuse. Then on March 24, we'll be in Boston at the Wilbur. Then on the 25th, we'll be in Bridgeport. And 26, the Gramercy Theater in New York. And then on the 27th, will be in Albany. And then on the 28th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And then on the 29th, we'll be in Philadelphia. And then on the 30th, we'll be in Washington D at the Lincoln Theater. Why would you name a theater after Lincoln? Anyway, that's our March 2026 tour. Go to dolloppodcast.com tour for tickets.

[B]

All right. Welcome to the pastimes. Some call this Dave. It's a podcast, but it's basically like a radio. Like, it's like a radio show.

[A]

I don't know what you're doing.

[B]

You know what we do here each week, we go through a newspaper from a random date in history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest, the great Natalia Kavalem. Hello, Natalia. Hey. Hi.

[A]

Hello.

[C]

Hello. David and Gareth.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

Thank you. We should go by David and Garella.

[C]

I was just feeling that, you know, wasn't that.

[B]

It felt like that's. Are you leaving the show? It's hard to tell.

[C]

I'm already out. I've done my part.

[B]

I don't say. That's fine. We can figure it out. Natalia, we just met you shooting a little short for our buddy Prestis in Denver, and we just had such a laugh. We were like, you got to come do the show. So thank you for being here. Now, you. You're a hybrid. You're a multi hyphenate. What. Where can people find you? And what will they. What will they find when they find you?

[C]

Criminal records, mostly. But beyond that, sure. Beyond that, you can find me at Miss Kitty Divine. I am a multi hyphenate. I do comedy, circus and burlesque, you know, and for the right amount, I do take hits. You know, I.

[B]

You take hits? What does that mean?

[C]

You know, just, you know, wink, wink.

[B]

Right? Oh, you do the right.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Yeah. It's just a side business. You know, every artist.

[B]

You know that.

[C]

Every artist.

[B]

Yeah. No day. I. I've never called them hits, but I take them. Boy, howdy do I. Yeah, I got a specific Venmo for hit taking.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Here's what's gonna happen? We're gonna go through this old weird newspaper. Prestis has picked it out. Dave will go through it. We're going to start with a little guessing game, a little warm up where we're going to guess what year this paper is from. This paper could be from the 1700s. It could be from the 1800s, could be from the 1900s. Shit. I mean, we're a quarter way through this one. It could be from the 2000ish years, whatever it's called. You quiet now. Are you going to take a hit? But you get to start with the guessing. So you get to guess a year. No context, just a random guess. This is like a vibes thing. 1600s, Natalia is very clear. Okay, great, great. All right, then I'm gonna go 20, 26. Let's meet in the middle, see who wins this.

[A]

It's 1922.

[B]

Hey. Gotcha.

[A]

That's no winner.

[B]

There is a winner.

[A]

I can't give a winner to this one.

[B]

That's a winner.

[A]

I both disasters.

[B]

Natalia, the guest has won every episode for probably 100. You won one. I've won a couple.

[A]

Yeah. Like. Like recently you won one. I don't remember why you and Josh. And Josh lost.

[B]

It's. It's.

[C]

So you're getting better.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Wouldn't go that far. Okay, so here we go. So where are we looking for Dave?

[A]

It is the New York Herald on December 7, 1922.

[B]

Okay. Roaring 20s.

[A]

Anything? Sometimes Prestis does stuff that's close to the guest, but maybe not this time. No, it's very interesting.

[B]

Interesting. Prestis. Some call it sexist. Prestis, sexist.

[A]

Where were you?

[C]

I have heard that name before. Yeah. That's actually how I met him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where were you born? At Natala.

[B]

Natalia.

[C]

You're close. You're close. Natalia. I was born in Dallas.

[A]

Oh, you were born.

[B]

So there's no connection. So nobody has any connection to this paper. So that must mean it must be good.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Wait, so remind me one more time, where is this paper?

[B]

New York.

[A]

New York. New York.

[B]

Where the socialist.

[C]

So that's a connection.

[B]

Oh, okay. That's this plaque. He must have known that. Oh, that's interesting.

[A]

We both live there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Whole cooked chicken, ham, kraut in pockets.

[B]

Is that a scavenger hunt list?

[A]

No.

[C]

How many pockets?

[A]

I should say whole cooked chicken, comma, kraut in pockets.

[B]

Whole cooked chicken, comma kraut impact. Well, it's the 1920s. You could see kraut being a derogatory term. You could also assume that someone had shoved chicken and kraut in their pockets. And ham and ham.

[C]

I thought kraut was like the original clout, you know, if you're walking around with a whole chicken, that's a lot

[B]

of kraut for someone in German, in Germany, actually. That is how it works. If you. He's like, oh yeah, he's really popular. He's got so much kraut right now. He's got big pull in the government. He's got a lot of crowd. I don't know. Have a laugh. It'll. It's good for the heart. Okay, so he's got. So he's like a walking PETA.

[A]

That is exactly what I was going to say.

[B]

Okay. He's got ham, chicken, kraut in his pockets. He's walking around, he's on the front page of the fucking newspaper. I mean, this is big stuff.

[A]

Patrolman John Fournier of the Morris Morrisanya. Morrisanya station, while waiting yesterday morning for a streetcar that would take him off duty and to his home, stood near Henry Kuzlo, age 36 of 18 East 117th Street.

[B]

They do the addresses. It's a big thing. They would tell where everyone lived.

[C]

I think that's helpful, you know, if you don't like, you can go confront them.

[B]

Yeah, that's helpful. And also, it's just, you can picture I. I now know kind of the zone where he is. By the way, as you went through this, I just realized there will be no justification for what he is about to do.

[A]

Probably not.

[B]

There's no rationale that's going to work for me as to why he's put like buffet style eating in his pants.

[C]

I mean, have you ever had a rotisserie chicken?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Sometimes that's the closest you'll get to the loving warmth that you so dearly crave.

[B]

Excuse me. So you are suggesting that this was a. Now then, defy why the kraut?

[A]

It's awesome.

[B]

Why the crowd was also the hot kraut. Yeah. Who wants a hot crowd?

[A]

You bring. You know why you bring the kraut? Because if the, the chicken of the ham is too hot, you have a little bit of a buffer with the kraut.

[B]

This is. Now it's all falling apart. You had me for a minute. But no temperature control. Nope.

[C]

Well, what if you ran into a vegetarian? You want to share your chicken, but they're like, oh no, I must have.

[B]

Chicken is for warmth in your pitch. Yeah, the chicken is a heating mechanism.

[C]

But like also emotional warmth.

[B]

Okay. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Let's see.

[C]

Have you ever had a rotisserie chicken

[B]

on a hard day? Stop asking if I've had a rotisserie chicken. Of course I've had a rot. Yes.

[A]

What about on a hard day?

[B]

On a hard day?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like when I'm down in the dubs, boss canned me.

[A]

It's just one of those things.

[B]

They found out I was embezzling.

[A]

Make you feel a little bit better,

[B]

go to Costco and grab one of those sick ass birds.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah. That they've just admitted are terrible. Terribly chemical than everything. Sweet Costco.

[A]

They did. I actually got sushi from Costco the other day.

[B]

Jesus Christ. But you get twice the diarrhea.

[C]

Wholesale diarrhea.

[B]

Wholesale, Wholesale.

[A]

Good. Best diarrhea. So much of it. Henry Kozlow had just come from his work as a dishwasher at the bakery lunchroom of John Harmet on 3rd Avenue in the Bronx. Delectable.

[B]

Now it's a class issue.

[A]

Delectable smells. So far I'm loving this. Delectable smells.

[B]

You're just.

[A]

You're just on the subway, I assume that's right. Subway, yeah, streetcar. You're on a streetcar and just. You're like, oh, my God, am I in a deli? It's awesome.

[B]

Something smells good. Hey, why is that guy covered in grease?

[C]

See, now I'm questioning, is this a news article or a personal ad?

[A]

It could be a personal ad.

[B]

I would respond.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Delicious smells. Kraut and whole chicken. Come meet me.

[B]

My pants. My address is already printed in the paper. Come take a hit.

[A]

What if you're. You have a job in a deli or wherever you're around meats all day and then you decide going home, you're going to give people an aromatic feast.

[B]

I know. I mean, it's a wild decision to be like, I'm going to get on the car and really make everyone happy with the smells. But this is what happened. This guy is poor and took it. That's what I think you say. Turkish took it. Turkish. There's no water during the show. Natalie. I'm sorry. We go. Yeah, we go dry. Sorry.

[A]

Take down the ladder.

[B]

So we go. Yeah. If you could lose the ladder, that'd be great. We go dry. No ladders. We're the opposite of a fire department.

[A]

What is going on with the ladder, by the way?

[C]

It's. It's actually the illusion of ladder. It's mirror.

[B]

What the mind blown. And there's a fan. All right. Stop.

[A]

Delectable smells assailed the nostrils of the patrolman who investigated and found Kuzlo had one roast chicken, two pounds of sauerkraut, a fresh ham, and a bottle of ketchup concealed in pockets of an overcoat.

[B]

He's a sandwich.

[A]

Why? You're right, though. It's none of your business. Meats aren't illegal. You don't get to search a guy.

[B]

This is just classic cop.

[C]

Here's the thing. Here's the thing. I was totally on support with him until they mentioned the ketchup. Get that guy. The ketchup is too much. A whole ham, a whole chicken. Sauerkraut. That's. That's admirable. That's understandable, but.

[A]

What.

[C]

Ketchup is where I draw the line.

[B]

Actually, she doesn't like ketchup. Well, actually, it's a bias.

[A]

And none of these go with ketchup.

[B]

Ketchup. Get. Get.

[A]

What do you. What?

[B]

Ketchup goes with everything.

[A]

No, it doesn't.

[B]

Absolutely do.

[A]

Mustard.

[B]

You could dip cheese and ketchup. You'd be glad you did.

[A]

What are you talking.

[B]

You could. Yeah. But you could definitely dip chicken and ketchup. Have you ever had ketchup with eggs? Oh, I know. It's great. Delicious. Take that look off your face. Get. Climb your ladder to your mirror, and I'll kill you in person.

[A]

Right? Look. Yeah. Now she's hissing like.

[C]

That is the. That is the reaction that ketchup elicits. It's not that I. It's not that I have anything against ketchup personally. It's just the people that defend ketchup. I do take personal issue.

[B]

Interesting people. Interesting how? That's just who I was. And now you have an issue. I get it. Well, let's see. Because I think at the end of the story, we're gonna be on this guy's side.

[A]

I am actually now considering dipping roast chicken and ketchup to see what it would be like.

[B]

It's gonna be good.

[A]

I know. It's not the ham. It's not the ham. Ham does not go with ketchup.

[B]

Listen, I'm not gonna keep doing this because we gotta get to it, but in England when I was a kid, you would have a bacon sandwich. Two ingredients, well outside of the bread. Bacon and ketchup. Delicious.

[A]

But that's not ham. Bacon is not ham. Bacon is bacon and ham is ham. This show's lost the plot, as the owner of the lunchroom had been missing food for some time. Koslow was held in 300 bail by Magistrate Bernard Doris.

[B]

300 back then is a lot.

[A]

That's a lot of fucking money.

[B]

That's a high bail. Yeah, I stand by. I think this guy's in the right. I think the ketchup is. He probably was thinking of others.

[A]

I. I think he's right. But okay. With ketchup, I think you should be able to pack your.

[B]

Natalia, have you.

[A]

When you leave your job at a food place, you should be able legally to put as much food in your pockets as you can.

[B]

I actually do subscribe to the pocket rule. As much as you can load in yourself. Like a ham magician.

[C]

See, I'm. I'm imagining him like one of those. Like what? Because again, he's walking around the Bronx. Right. I'm imagin a trench coat.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Full of like a Thanksgiving. Looks like a streaker on each side.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. He looks like a flasher, but he's. Instead, it's just like, it's. It's just buffet style. Yeah.

[C]

He walks down the street. Would you like to see the meats?

[B]

No.

[C]

And then it's a rotisserie chicken.

[B]

Oh, my God. Is that ketchup?

[A]

Hey, lady, check out the ham.

[B]

Hey. Hey, lady. Love to see my ham.

[C]

That's how my parents met, actually.

[A]

Oh, that's nice. See, I like a good story.

[B]

That's how we met Preston.

[C]

Oh, that checks out.

[A]

Says Marnie, dog is deaf and thus can't do evil. Huh.

[C]

Wait, say that again, please.

[A]

Marnie is M a R N E, so it could be Marne. Doesn't help Mar. I'm gonna go with Marnie. Says Marnie dog is deaf and thus can't do evil.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The. Any. Anything.

[B]

It's an interesting defense.

[A]

Any animal or person who is deaf can. It cannot do evil. Technically.

[B]

Sure. Okay.

[A]

It's a loophole. Pretty sure. Name one deaf person who's been evil.

[B]

Beethoven. Real jerk off. Also a dog.

[C]

That's true.

[A]

Oh, Beethoven was a dog. Yeah.

[B]

Friends with Charles Grodin, but that plot thickens.

[A]

Deaf.

[B]

You don't know that. Now that, from what I hear, it didn't take direction.

[A]

Greg was a rascal.

[B]

It's true. Just like the real Beethoven.

[A]

The excuse offered by amos Shipley of 28 W. 94th St. When he was in Yorkville court yesterday for walking an unmuzzled dog in Central park was that the animal was too tiny. Was a too tiny French poodle too small to damage anyone or anything?

[C]

I don't think they've met a French poodle.

[A]

No, yeah, I agree.

[C]

They are very. They Are so smart and like any doodle. Anything in the poodle variety, way too sentient to be a dog.

[B]

Dave is, Dave is a doodle breeder at this point. Dave's got a barn of doodles.

[A]

Three doodles, Davis.

[B]

Three doodles.

[C]

Three watch you when you sleep.

[B]

It's hard to know they.

[A]

Yeah, sometimes they do.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Pablo's. No, Pablo and Larry both do that.

[B]

He's got Pablo, Larry and Maple.

[C]

So when you walk into the door, do they go immediately onto all fours and pretend like they weren't skin walkers walking around your kitchen? Pretty making that.

[A]

But I think that's fine.

[B]

Take the chef. As soon as the door opens like chef hat.

[C]

They're like pretend to be a dog guys. Pretend to be a dog.

[B]

Lick your asses.

[A]

Remember we're dumb again.

[B]

Hey, where's the guy who knows where the food is? Jackass.

[A]

Furthermore, he said the dog was born deaf in the trenches of the Marne of shell shocked parents. Which he contends put it in the class of absolutely harmless things. Okay, so that's got to be a war.

[B]

But it's also is a. An impos. This defense is extremely weak. It's an extreme who's confronting him some.

[A]

Well, he bit. Oh no, he just got in trouble because the dog wasn't muzzled.

[B]

But trouble by who? I mean we've got guys walking around with full fouls in their jackets and we're spending our time with this dog that's just not muzzled.

[A]

It actually doesn't say. But I, I assume some sort of animal authority or a Karen.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

The Martin is a 514 kilometer long French river famous for two decisive World War I battles.

[C]

I, I mean I think it's a little messed up. I thought the dog's name was Marn and that's what they're like. Oh, we found you in this treacherous river. Let's name you after your. Your, your origin trauma.

[B]

You will be Marn.

[A]

Should everyone be named after their origin trauma though?

[B]

Sure thing. I'll be Bingo night.

[C]

Isn't that right C section?

[B]

This is my son Fish concert.

[A]

Let's see. Wife can't count up. Husband complains.

[B]

This is. I would you say this is one tenth of the stories that we looking? Yeah, it's just some husband just being like my wife ain't doing it right.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That was breaking news back in the day.

[B]

Yeah. They're like wife can't count.

[A]

And now thankfully we had trad wives.

[B]

So it's all around.

[C]

Thank God, you know, dress for the job. You want Isn't that right, Gareth?

[B]

Well, I did that, and then the cop arrested me for having a chicken, ham, kraut and ketchup in my pants.

[C]

Don't let them stop your dreams. You could be a Thanksgiving meal.

[B]

Yeah, Just laying down like. Like Japanese businessman, eat Thanksgiving off of me.

[C]

That's exactly what they want. Add that tier to the Patreon.

[B]

Tons of chicken on my. I put most of the chicken around my penis. Go ahead, Japanese businessman.

[C]

My mashed potato bush.

[B]

There you are. Enjoy. And there's also some bum ham if you boys brought your appetites. Sorry about the kraut not staying put. It's a slippery, juicy sort of cabbage.

[A]

Where was it?

[B]

It's been armpits and underneck and mouth. That's the last thing I say. I go, and by the way, there's more kraut in the mouth. And then some guys, like, ask me a question. I'm like a car. Lala.

[C]

You want some ketchup? Belly button. Belly button full of ketchup.

[A]

That's gotta ketchup right out of the dude. Julius Berman, a closed cutter of 3 clothes cutter, Livonia Avenue, Brooklyn. Just. Sorry. Told Supreme Court Justice Capper in Brooklyn yesterday.

[B]

Phenomenal. That this is all the way to the Supreme Court. My wife can't count.

[C]

Now, remind me, what year was this?

[B]

22.

[C]

This is still. Is. This is still the. Is this still the same guy with the chickens?

[B]

No, all different.

[A]

There's different people.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

There was just not a lot going

[C]

on in the twenties.

[A]

No, not. Not very much at all.

[B]

No. Well, New York's a tiny city.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's a lot of boring happening.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He told Justice Capper in Brooklyn yesterday that Ms. Sarah Berman was not qualified for married life because she knew nothing of arithmetic and could not therefore handle the family budget.

[B]

I don't understand. And I. And I'm. Listen, I'm a white guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But allow me to posit a question. A very pale white man. Allow me to posit a question. So you live in the era where women aren't allowed to spend any money. They're not allowed to have their own bank accounts. I guess taxes. I don't exist in that form at that time. But you pretty much have eliminated the use of numbers other than maybe weighing and measuring different cups of flour. And yet this guy's all the way at the Supreme Court because he's like, she can't budget.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

I don't allow her to touch a pencil. But she can't figure out math.

[C]

I. I I think this man has not heard of girl math. It's the phenomenon sweeping the nation.

[B]

Walk me through it.

[C]

Okay. Okay, so let me give you an example of girl math. Okay, So I go into a store and let's say a 50 item is 50 off. I just made 25 by buying.

[B]

I know. This is mom math, girl. This is exactly what my mother do. It's 20 off. I'm like, from the store. They're just. She's like, I've saved a lot of money. Like you spent $60, but I would have spent 90. Like, they really have gotten you. She's fallen full into the pit. It's interesting. I get it, I get it, I get it. I get it. Two for $3. I'm like, well, these idiots.

[A]

Okay. Berman. Berman is asking the annulment of his marriage on the ground. Annulment that his wife concealed this disturbing situation from him.

[B]

That she doesn't know Arithmetic being the

[C]

lack of math knowledge.

[B]

Yes. Her. Her inability to account.

[A]

I think we'll find something you should

[C]

be upfront with in a relationship. Like, I want kids. I also can't do math. And I want to live near my parents when they get old. You know, like those are just the basis of a good relationship.

[A]

Well, you don't even know how kids you want.

[B]

Imagine, look, you can't count them. She's perfect. But math wise, she's a disaster.

[C]

Also, were women allowed to go to school at this time? Because where was she supposed to learn math?

[A]

Very, very few. Oh, when they were younger, yeah, they would go to like elementary school. But then.

[B]

But it is a catch 22, you

[A]

cap it at that.

[B]

A term that she wouldn't understand.

[C]

I learned math up until high school and I don't remember a lot of it.

[B]

No. Well, that's because most of it is completely fucking useless.

[C]

It is made up. It's. It's.

[B]

At this point, we're all going to die. We're all going to die really soon.

[A]

Teaches your brain to analyze.

[C]

I don't know about me, sure, but

[B]

there's other ways to do that. That is not. Once they got the X involved, that's where it was like.

[A]

Personally, I think you could get rid of math and get the same sort of analytic understanding through porn.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It was at that moment that Gareth got terrified. You could do it through gardening. You could make people stimulate. I hesitate to make pornographic.

[C]

Plus two equals a three sum.

[B]

Maybe your son, his masturbating took a nasty dip this semester.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Oh, yeah. He's masturbating all the time at home. He just doesn't seem that focused on the porn.

[A]

This is the.

[B]

We have been having trouble locking him in.

[A]

This is the kind of stuff that we on the left should push in schools. So the right is always fighting a battle.

[B]

This is. This is actually now. Well, you started as an idiot, but now you're actually making a legitimately good case. Because if this is what they do, this is what they. They are just like, you know what? We're going to, like, do the craziest thing ever. And then the Democrats, like, well, hold on a minute. Let's just only deport the bad guys with ice. Instead, you should be like, we are going to teach your kids how to jack off. And then they'd be like, no. Sex ed. Sex ed, sex ed. Sex ed.

[A]

So you get them fighting over there so they don't do their other stuff.

[B]

Yeah. And then. And then all the books are in the library still.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah. I like it.

[C]

I like it. Strategy.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Strategic vote for David.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

The Green Party wanted Dave to run for governor one time.

[A]

I was contacted. She cannot. Things are really bad here in this state. And with that party, she cannot be trusted with even a half dollar. Berman declares.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

This is what we're getting at. It's not. It's not that she's bad with the rhythmic. It's like. So I was engaged once and twice.

[B]

You went through it. The second.

[A]

The second time with it. But the first time, like, she would, like, buy anything she saw on the way home from work. So we'd have, like, 40 bottles of shampoo, and I'd be like, at some point, you don't need any more shampoo. So it's just like. I think what he's saying is, it's not that she's bad with rhythm.

[B]

I'm not trying to defend her.

[C]

I. I have a controversial take here. All right. It might be kind of offensive to some of our male viewers, but I think. I think he should be making more money. I think the problem isn't her math skills. It's that he's not making enough money to satisfy his wife.

[B]

I. I don't. I. Look, I think there is a victim in the story. It is the wife. I. More money. I mean, it is the Roaring Twenties. It's time. I mean, this would be the time to make more money.

[A]

Starting to roar.

[B]

Yeah, it's just starting to roar. We're roaring. So. Huh? That's only two words.

[A]

A lot of people have bad connotations.

[C]

Yeah, it's like, what's your excuse? The Great Depression hasn't even happened.

[B]

Yeah, it's like men don't even want

[C]

to go into the mines anymore, you

[B]

know, you are losing me. So now you have lost me. I was teetering for a moment. I am now gone.

[A]

Because she does not know how much to pay the huckster and how much change, if any, she should receive.

[B]

I love the huckster. So the like town huckster goes to the door. She's like, what do we owe you for this month's hucking?

[A]

$74.

[B]

There you go, sir.

[A]

No change.

[B]

And it's like $91.

[A]

The best she could do would be to open her pocketbook and trust to the peddler's honesty.

[B]

This is at the Supreme Court?

[A]

Yeah, well, it's for a divorce. You probably had to go to the Supreme Court back then.

[B]

Fuck me. How great with it. So how's the marriage? You know, my kids? The Supreme Court's actually finally going to hear our marriage.

[A]

Well, it's all. You love this. There was a time when you had to go to your state legislature to get them to approve your divorce.

[B]

Your Honor, I hate her nightmare.

[C]

I mean, maybe she's playing this guy. She's like, I'm ready for a divorce. I'm ready for greener pastures. I'm going to start being really bad at math so that the Supreme Court will let me get this annulled.

[B]

Okay. I love it. Yeah, no notes. I love it. It's like a primal fear. Ms. Oh, what the judges were. It was a 4:3 decision, so we tied this lady. I can't with this woman.

[A]

Ms. Berman replied, all the mathematics. All the mathematics that is required for the wife of a man of his type is to know how to buy the bare necessities of life, such as coal, meats, and general food for the table.

[B]

Unrealist.

[A]

While I am not an expert in arithmetic, I have sufficient knowledge to add and subtract and am able to buy all the food for the house.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, she's just.

[A]

He wants her to buy nothing outside of the basics. And she's like, every once in a while, I would like.

[B]

Honey, we're almost out of coal. Where's the coal?

[C]

I need my coal pancakes in the morning. You know how I get.

[B]

You know, I'm eating coal mainly now.

[C]

Don't talk to me until I've had my cup of coal.

[B]

Oh, do not even bother engaging me in conversation till I've chewed the coal in the morning.

[C]

That's the cold Hard truth.

[B]

Oh, yes. Yes.

[A]

Damn it. Ms. Berman lives.

[B]

We are back.

[A]

Wait, they don't live in the same. Ms. Berman lives at 111 Eldridge Street, Manhattan. Justice Capper reserved decision on her application for alimony.

[C]

Well, she got the address wrong, so she just lived in a different house. The numbers are hard.

[B]

Also, the idea that she's going to get alimony. She can be like, how many pennies is that, hun?

[C]

Yeah, he should take me out. If he. If she doesn't know math, then the alimony is his choice.

[B]

But that is when she does the reveal, which is like, you're 61 cents short. Wait, what? You idiot. I'm your brother. All two of them do that math.

[A]

Gareth. The Pastimes is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

[B]

Hooray.

[A]

I like keeping my money where I can see it. Just right there. Unfortunately, big wireless carriers. Gary Gareth, they want my money just as much as I want my money.

[B]

Are you doing a Lovett's?

[A]

So after years of overpaying for wireless, finally got fed up with these insane wireless bills. Oh, yeah. I switched to Mint Mobile and now I pay a lot less. And it's super easy. It's just as good. Everyone should be doing it. There's no reason not to do it.

[B]

And it's the. It's the same quality. They're using the same 5G. It's all the same, as you know. The only thing is that, you know, we've said this before, it does not make your phone taste like mint. I've gotten a lot of letters from people asking why I'm still licking my phone when you tell me to do not like your phone. It does not taste like mint. Go ahead.

[A]

All the plans come with high speed data, unlimited talk text on the. And it's on the nation's largest 5G network. Why wouldn't you save money? I've been using Mint for. For. We use it for a while now and it's great.

[B]

We love mint.

[A]

We love mint. You know, speaking of that, give your phone a little lick. Just give it. Yeah, I think, I think because I

[B]

feel like I just sort of said,

[A]

just sent out an update, couple days.

[B]

It's a Mint update or what is that?

[A]

Yeah, they sent out a Mint update and now your phone tastes like mint.

[B]

Go ahead.

[A]

Lick tastes dirt. Shop [e-mail] do. That's mintmobile.com doip up front payments of $45 for a three month five gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 a month new customer offer for the first three months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees, extra C Mint mobile for detail.

[B]

All right.

[A]

A Gareth the Pastimes is also brought to you by Rocket Money.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What are you doing?

[B]

I'm just pumped.

[A]

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings. We both use Rocket Money. It has saved me a bunch of money. It has. You know what else, though? Even if it isn't a ton of money, just the annoyance of knowing some company is out there on a fast one.

[B]

I agree with this. I agree with this. Annoying. I agree with this. This is that we both have been using Rocket Money for a long time. Those first couple sessions, I mean, you are just. It is nuts what you're getting back. But there is also something about saying to these places your little. Your little system. Okay, Rocket Money's my goalie, and we're blocking your shots.

[A]

The way you squeeze it through.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I signed up. I told the playoffs last year for afl. I signed up on my TV for AFL playoffs, and I watched him. And then I wanted to end it, but I couldn't do it on the tv. And then I went to do it and I forgot about it because I got distracted. And all of a sudden, Rocket Money's like, hey, man, Bill coming up again. I was like, damn. What's good?

[B]

Sometimes it's just a checked box. One little thing where it's like, keep it going forever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you need a buddy, and Rocket Money's your buddy.

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And Rocket Money is track subscriptions and has the ability to cancel within the app with a few taps, saving time and avoiding charges. Yep. We think you should use it. Let RocketMoney help you reach your financial goals faster. Join RocketMoney.com Delp that's RocketMoney.com Dollop RocketMoney.com

[B]

Dollop let's cue the jingle. Oh. 1, 2, 3, 4. Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Use the app and save yourself some pocket money. Rocket Money.

[A]

We're also brought to you by Mint Mobile. Judge rules. Judge rules. Husband off street. Separate article. Yeah. We're not a different one now.

[B]

This is another. Judges are just peeling marriages apart. Like, I'll tell you what.

[C]

Are they all from the 1922.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Paper.

[C]

Yeah, same paper.

[B]

All 1922. Yeah. It's a big thing. People hate each other.

[A]

People do.

[C]

You know, there was a lot of news to report on that was. I don't know, no alcohol. It's all just divorces and chicken.

[B]

Yeah, right, right, right. That's probably why a lot of these marriages are ending. They're like, look, this was a gin based love.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

This was a gin based love.

[A]

Joe.

[C]

How my parents met.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, and a gin chin based love.

[B]

Gin based love is my favorite Queens of the Stone Age album.

[A]

Judge rules Husband off street where wife lives. Edmund Ryan.

[B]

What you got to be a real piece of for a judge to be like, you need to move streets.

[C]

I mean, there was only three of them at the time.

[B]

Yeah. This is before restraining orders. You go to another avenue. You understand me? You're cul de sac material.

[A]

This is not a great street for me. Edmund Ryan of Orawam Pum street or a. Yeah. White Plains, who was found guilty of disorderly conduct and intoxication on complaint of his wife. Yeah. She's like, this loser was told by Judge Holden of the White Plains court yesterday that he must not put his foot on Grand street, where Ms. Ryan lives at number 37 for a year.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

They're still married, though.

[C]

I mean, I think he has hope for the relationship. It's like, sit this one out for a year.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

See how you feel when you step on 37th, 12 months from today.

[B]

Avoid the road. That's the. That's the one year complication. And then if this is prohibition, then he's probably.

[A]

It's not.

[B]

It's not. Okay, so you're still allowed to get drunk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a hell of a run.

[A]

Ryan was also placed on probation for a year and was ordered to pay his wife $65 a week for the support of herself and their three kids.

[B]

Good amount of dosh back then.

[A]

What'd you say?

[B]

It's a good amount of dosh, cap. It's not. It's a bit of greenback in it.

[A]

Have you ever heard the term dosh?

[C]

Is. Is that like a cryptocurrency?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, It's. It's a big one. It crashed yesterday.

[A]

Did you just make up dosh?

[B]

Nah, mate, Dosh. It's thing.

[A]

It's an English thing.

[B]

Yeah. You got a budget dash. You got a like.

[A]

Not a word.

[B]

It's like nice a word.

[C]

That's why it's crashed.

[B]

Dosh. That's why it's crashed.

[A]

Like a hobbit word.

[B]

It's not a hobbit word. Nah. Peakies got caps, razors in them. Dashing it up. Yeah. Bit of fanny. Dad at Tammy's all what are off.

[A]

It's like you're running down a hill.

[B]

Yeah, it's not good. Someone stop me. Frown out of spikes.

[A]

He will be allowed to see children, but not.

[B]

By the way, if you're a judge. That's a really weird caveat. You'll be allowed to see children, just not. But you can't.

[C]

His children or just children in general?

[B]

I'm hoping. Okay. But he can't step on the street.

[A]

But he can't. He's not allowed to see them on.

[B]

How are you? Hey, your dad's coming to visit. How are you? Hey, come over to this road.

[C]

We can play catch. But I can't get the ball for you. I can't walk over.

[B]

Can't go get it there. Tom, go grab it.

[C]

I'll play catch with you from 38th street to 37th Street. But don't make me go.

[B]

How's the rest of the road?

[A]

It's changed so much, dad.

[B]

Wow. You know, dad met a weird judge.

[A]

Because he is on probation. Ryan will have to visit the police station once in a while.

[B]

And the station, like, weird, like every. You're going to be referred to as an every now and thener.

[A]

And the station is on Grand Street.

[B]

Well, this is.

[A]

This is very hard.

[B]

So you're gonna need to come to the station. It's on the road. You can't go on back door.

[C]

So I like the sentence of. Well, you know, whenever you feel like it.

[B]

Whenever you feel like it.

[C]

Occasionally visit the police station for your probation.

[B]

Time to time, we're going to need you to swing by.

[A]

That's what happens when you get a divorce.

[B]

All right. Do you feel shame? And you have to visit us on the street. You can't go on. You like riddles.

[A]

To get there, Ryan will have to climb a fence in the backyard and go in by the back door.

[B]

Fucking crazy.

[A]

And if he should want to visit the public library. Also on Grand Street. Natalia was right. There's three streets in this.

[B]

There are? Yeah. He's like, your honor, grand is a really hopping street.

[A]

It's the whole town.

[B]

It's like the only road.

[A]

He will have to climb another fence and get in by his side door. Ryan has been separated.

[B]

We're gonna do. The floor is lava the city for you. Do you understand?

[A]

Ryan has been separated from his wife and was arrested on Thanksgiving afternoon while making his customary visit to his children.

[B]

Controversial take. You should not be allowed to get arrested on Thanksgiving for being drunk. Okay. It's a big day. There's a lot going on.

[C]

That's what America was founded on.

[B]

Yeah. That is our day to pretend that we are a play that 6 year olds put on. And as I white I feel that I should be allowed to drink and watch football day. And if I get a little lippy and shouty and I scare my kids, hey, okay, if you're not drunkenly shouting

[C]

at your kids on Thanksgiving, then like, what do you have to be thankful for?

[B]

Yeah, that's the whole point. Yeah, the whole point is to shout, yell lies at them about the holiday. Yes, they gave it to us. That's it.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

Yeah, they gave us this land. That's the whole as I'm going to Sears Macy's parade.

[C]

A big banner that says they gave it to us.

[B]

I'm there. They gave us the land. And coming in the end of the parade, Gareth Reynolds is shit faced saying lies. Hey, let's have it. We gave them a big dinner. Well, see what they brought. Maize. We brought a big fat turkey bird. I'm not even on the parade route anymore. They gave it to us.

[C]

You're just stumbling down Grant Street.

[B]

It's December 8th, so you're not allowed to be here. They let us have it. I bet if you went back in time they'd say they stand by it.

[A]

Five freed in liquor death.

[B]

Dave's singing Partridge in a pear Tree. Five.

[C]

What was it?

[A]

Five freed in liquor death.

[B]

Beautiful.

[C]

Four drunken Macy's parades, three kids I can't see two streets in New York

[B]

and a man with a deli meat coat.

[A]

Five men charged with homicide following the death from acute alcoholism on Tuesday of Ms. Jeannie Mazachak.

[B]

It's a dark. This is dark we're getting into. This is. Yes, we did an episode on the. This guy who they all they tried to kill through alcohol. There was an Irishman who was unkillable through booze, so they ended up gassing him to death. But that is after nine. Wrong tack. They fed him shrapnel and he ate like the guy was. The guy was RoboCop. Yeah, but. But also when it's a few men, alcohol, women, right? Is that what's going on?

[A]

RoboCop died.

[B]

RoboCop did not. RoboCop, first of all.

[A]

Then they put him in the. In the robot.

[B]

But yeah, the cop he used to be died. Then he became RoboCop. So your RoboCop didn't die. You already know you're on the wrong side of this argument, Dave. I love you. You know that? Right now you should be backing down at all. Robocop did not die. He's the not dying guy. The guy who he was before.

[C]

I think. I think it's a Schrodinger's cat thing where robocot is both dead and alive.

[B]

No, no to that too. So.

[A]

So were yesterday discharged by Magistrate Frederick B. House in homicide court on analysis. The whiskey Ms. Mazachuk drank was found to have been made of pure grain alcohol.

[B]

So we're not in prohibition and we are giving. I mean, that is moonshine.

[A]

What? Why? But why were they released?

[B]

Well, they are guys. Men will be men.

[C]

Maybe this is why prohibitions happens.

[B]

It seems like so far there's a

[A]

pretty solid case because the whole thing is they were. Five guys were charged with homicide from the. The death of acute alcoholism. Oh, they're saying that it was from alcoholism. It was from a one time binge of grain alcohol if.

[B]

Listen, I'm going to be honest. Five guys, her, and she dies from alcohol poisoning.

[A]

They killed her.

[B]

It's very shady.

[A]

They 100% killed her.

[B]

Very shady.

[A]

But they got out. They got away with it.

[B]

It's a good country.

[A]

All right. Comedy by convicts draws large crowd. Oh, this is more your speed, right?

[C]

Is this where your show originated from?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. This is actually the original title of this show. Yeah, it was a convict comedy. We needed to find a more empathetic way to frame. Making fun of prisoners.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So we started the dollop.

[A]

That's right. More than a thousand outside theatergoers crowded into the auditorium of Sing Sing Prison last Thursday to see Honey Girl Girl, a musical comedy whose cast is made up of convicts.

[C]

Well, Honey Girl, name the prison the Sing Sing Prison. What do they expect but to break out a musical song?

[B]

We have no choice but to make this a musical prison. What choice?

[C]

Behind bars.

[B]

Yeah, but then they're like, we'll be doing Honeysuckle. The play. The musical. What's it called?

[A]

Honey Girl.

[B]

Honey Girl.

[A]

Wait, I don't want to be Honey Girl. You're Honey Girl.

[B]

All right, Now, I know everybody wants to be Honey Girl, but we're going to go through an audition process as we would normally would.

[C]

The biggest prison boss guy comes up,

[B]

he's like, I'm Honey Girl. You're our Honey Girl.

[C]

Voice of an angel.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. It just shows up. I don't know if I could sing. Well, just try, would you? Hi, my little lady. Oh, my God. That's our Honey Girl.

[A]

The show closes tonight but will not

[B]

go on tour because we have to execute our lead.

[A]

Well, they're all in prison, so it's

[B]

hard to tour we can't really tour. You see the. You see the precarity.

[A]

I don't. It's a great show.

[B]

Well, all right. God damn it. Our Honey Girl escaped.

[C]

If you want to stick around for the sequel, you're gonna have to commit a petty crime to get back in the prison gang.

[B]

Unfortunately, he got Honey Girl got paroled. I'm not reformed. Keep me in a little longer. The show's just starting to find itself. You have to get out, Brutus.

[A]

The prison hall was so crowded for Wednesday night's performance that it was necessary to issue return checks to 300 who wanted to see the presentation, and they contributed to last night's jam.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

As the patrons leave the hall after the fall of the curtain, a line of guards who know all the prisoners by sight keep a keen lookout to prevent any escape.

[B]

Wow. I mean, it would be. You would be salivating to escape.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

This should happen more. Things like this should happen more. I like this.

[C]

This is what the longest yard should have been.

[B]

Yes. Agreed. Yes.

[A]

That is a play.

[B]

There's the bridge is more of this. I mean, I.

[A]

Great. Yeah.

[C]

This is the prison reform I wish to see.

[B]

Yes. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. Yeah.

[A]

Saying we force all prisoners to be in place.

[B]

I don't love force, but I'll say yes. Yes is the answer. If you need a one word answer right now. Yes.

[C]

It's either making license plates for 50 cents on the hour or west side Story.

[B]

Would you rather telemarket or shall we do Noises Off? Cat on a Hot Tin Roof has been a hell of a production. That's all I got.

[A]

That's it. Shock. Said it by smoking.

[B]

What? What?

[A]

Senator Elect Wheeler of Montana caused a mild sensation today when he took a seat on the Democratic side in the Senate chamber and smoked a cigar while the Senate was in session.

[B]

Oh, that is. I pine. Pine for the time when that was in the paper. I mean, this is the first political article of this paper, by the way. Yeah. Some guy, some Republican, goes over there and smokes a cigar on the other side like you rat.

[C]

I mean, this is what they could get away with before C Span was televising everything.

[B]

Yeah, that's true, too.

[A]

You saw that Trump called C Span the other day, right?

[B]

That wasn't him, though.

[A]

It wasn't?

[B]

No, it was some guy homaging.

[C]

It was John Barron. Very different person.

[B]

Yeah. I wish it was Trump. It was that guy. But that guy was Trump used to do that. I know. Yeah, he did. Yeah. That's the best. And we've learned Trump is a liar, obviously, in 800 different ways at this point. It's, like, amazing that it's. He's getting applause breaks during a State of the Union speech at this point. But, man, him calling to be like, he's apparently he's quite a big playboy. And he was out with Madonna, who is a huge fan of his, and all the women want to be with him and all the men want to be him. You know, like eight years later, they're like a voice archivist. Matched it completely. He's like, that's not me. I would never do that. Although I did hear that Madonna was a really big fan of me back then. I was a playboy and everybody wanted to be with me. Me, but I would never do that.

[A]

Unaware that he was transgressing one of the sacred and in vital. Inviolate. Inviolate rules of the body, he puffed away, oblivious of the embarrassment of Senator Ladd of North Dakota, who was in the chair and of the senators on the floor. So he smoked. This story is that he's smoking a scar, and everyone's like, that's rude. Yeah, that's the story.

[B]

Way better.

[A]

The meat. The guy with the. Now you know why they led with meat, Jack.

[B]

Meat coat.

[A]

Meat coat is. Was the lead story in this paper, by the way.

[B]

I love a rom com with a meat coat the best.

[C]

I mean, that's. That's what Hallmark is missing is, you know, a real classic Christmas meat coat story.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Holiday deli. She walked in to get some cold cuts. They had a real meat turn his

[C]

deli into a parking lot, and he's like, wait, you don't understand the magic of Christmas deli meats.

[B]

She bumps into him when he's got all the meats in his coat and it drops out. And then she helps him pick him up, and then they make eye contact and it's a real meat coat. Meet cute.

[C]

And then she's like, I've decided to stop being a vegetarian. You've shown me the true meaning of Christmas.

[B]

A meaning? Yeah. And then he's like, I don't have enough ham for the both of us.

[C]

And then she pulls out a full rotisserie chicken from her purse.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, my God.

[A]

Chicken for your thoughts.

[B]

Chicken for your thoughts.

[C]

That's the name.

[B]

Chicken for your thoughts.

[C]

Coming soon to the Hallmark Channel.

[B]

And then, like, Wednesday, like, we're actually not going to show this. Chicken for your thoughts is not going to be tomorrow anymore.

[A]

He smoked for more than Half an hour, the puffs becoming more frequent until the smoke rolled up in clouds. Senator Ladd could stand it no longer. He instructed a page to inform Mr. Wheeler he was not allowed to smoke in the center.

[B]

Tell that human train enough.

[A]

Mr. Wheeler left the chamber to finish his smoke in the cloak room. I'll be going into a closet with my friend.

[B]

Yeah, that's really like I'm him. Having trouble breathing in this smoke filled.

[A]

Boy. We've really come a long way from when they had spittoons all over the. All over Congress.

[B]

Those are the days.

[C]

I mean, I think they should bring it back. You know, Cigarettes, welcome. Vape, cigarettes, cigars, all that just.

[B]

I agree.

[C]

Welcome. No vaping.

[B]

It doesn't matter. You know, in a way, I think you're so right because. Because this. This sort of posturing, like there is this institution that deserves our respect at this point. The. I would say the most. Like the day that the guy who dressed like an elk went in and someone took a shit in one of the desks is. Was what I was like, yeah. This is basically what it is at this point. Yeah. The idea that. It's like John Fetterman wore sweatpants.

[A]

I couldn't believe how upset people at that. It's like it's just gives a shit. A building.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, Trump puts on orange makeup every day.

[A]

Congress is. The people like the building. They can go out into a fucking law.

[B]

No, you should be. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You should show up with a meat coat.

[A]

Ms. Wilson. Sorry. Mrs. Wilson says her husband obeys orders.

[B]

This guy was like, don't print this article.

[A]

Why don't you cut my balls off, Mr. Editor?

[B]

Oh, cool. That's going to be fun for the guys.

[C]

Breaking news. My husband listens to me.

[B]

Yeah. This just in. A man listened. We call him slave.

[A]

Ms. Mrs. Woodrow Wilson was the guest of.

[B]

Oh, interest. So it's Woodrow. Well, this is weird, huh?

[C]

This all makes sense now.

[B]

The president listens to me. Was like, hell, I do. I'm a real piece of.

[A]

Was the guest of Women Democrats of Maryland who gathered today to celebrate the recent Democratic victory. She said the former president is much better than he has been at any time since his recent illness. He had syphilis.

[B]

You get a man sick and they listen. He didn't have syphilis. No, that'd be God for the President to have syphilis. I mean, the president does have syphilis right now.

[A]

Mr. Wilson shouted. Is the most wonderful patient imaginable. He also has the greatest store of patience, which it is possible to have. And he does exactly what he is told.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

What a great story.

[B]

It is an awesome story.

[A]

One of the greatest assets is his willingness to obey orders. He does exactly what his doctor tells him to do and cooperates with him in every way imaginable. And so that we all are delighted

[B]

with the results, we're gonna need to put a little more iodine in your husband's cocaine before we put it up his ass. Okay, there we go. That'll be nice.

[C]

Very agreeable. This is what made him so good at treaties.

[B]

Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

[C]

He was like, whatever, I agree to it.

[A]

Yes, that sounds good. You can have Germany.

[B]

Yeah. I'm learning to listen in therapy with my wife. You may have all of those places.

[C]

My wife told me Germany has to pay for everything, so can we all sign along the dotted line?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We'll give up our military bases. My wife's having sex with me again. Okay, that sounds good.

[A]

Savages. Kind hosts.

[B]

Oh, this will be racist.

[A]

With just one port, New York, to reach the yacht, Speed Jacks arrived here today, almost completing a trip of more than 40, 000 miles around the world.

[B]

Wow. That's a lot of. Yeah, but. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. You went across some oceans.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nobody cares anymore. It's 1922.

[B]

Was it even on tick tock?

[A]

A.W. gowan, owner of the yacht. His wife and 10 other persons are on board.

[B]

So great. His wife and 10 others.

[A]

The speed jacks is 98ft long and weighs 64 tons. It's always important to know how much a boat weighs.

[B]

Yeah, it is.

[A]

She is the only craft of her length that ever made a voyage around the world.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah. Titanic only got halfway.

[B]

They're not dead yet.

[A]

What?

[B]

Let's see where this Titanic story goes. I still like their chances. Well, they've hit a big bump. There's no doubt they've hit a bump. Well, but let's just see if they make it or not. But, you know, the important moral of

[C]

the story is that they find the necklace that the old lady threw in the sea and that's what it's all about.

[B]

But there's still a chance they'll make it, no? Yeah, of course there is. What? Yeah.

[A]

You're agreeing with him?

[B]

Yes, she is. Because she recognizes a Cinderella story when she hears it. Have you ever heard of a comeback? Let me guess. You're the guy who shuts the super bowl off in the third quarter and says, I don't know why I bother with this Big game. Well, Jack, sometimes a captain digs deep and figures it out.

[A]

You're basically saying.

[B]

Yes, I am. I don't even remember what you said. Yes, football happens. Yes.

[A]

It ends.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then, like three years.

[B]

Super bowl is an over over when there's zeros on the clock in the fourth quarter.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Is not. You're not counting them out yet. There's.

[C]

What you're saying is that a Super bowl is essentially like a boat crash.

[B]

I mean, these things. We still don't know who won the last presidential election. Nothing is done. You don't ever count anything out.

[A]

Do know the. The child rapist one?

[B]

The titan first. Jesus Christ. Well, great. Now we're demonetized. We got all the way. What are we, 55? We almost finished the episode, and then you have to jump in with that.

[A]

When Mr. Gowen stepped ashore here today, his first words were, we have seen all the world, but we have not seen anything that is as pretty as the shore of the United States.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Who. Who kisses ass? No fears of savages or her impressions of the savage people in the Solomon Islands where are said to dwell the fiercest headhunters in the world have nothing to fear of horror connected with them. As a matter of fact, she believes these savages could teach their white mentors a great deal.

[B]

It's so it. It's like the sweet racism. These idiot savages could maybe help us.

[C]

Maybe, just maybe, we have something to learn from these morons.

[B]

Now, look, I'll agree they're unrefined morons, but maybe their simple minds could help us.

[A]

The party got many motion pictures of them, and the savages were pleased to pose.

[B]

Awful.

[A]

Very nice.

[B]

It's like Disneyland, but they're real.

[A]

They visited the Hermit and Admiralty Islands and the others of that group, which lie to the north of New Guinea. The gasoline supply went low, and they found themselves in Humboldt Bay with a threatened shortage of fuel. Providence somehow seemed to keep a hand on us, Mr. Gowan said, because we managed to get to Ambro and Boyna with only half, with only a cup full of gasoline left. The seas were smiling all the way, else we likely would have been stranded there and forced to call for help.

[B]

Well, well, well,

[A]

well, who gives a.

[B]

Well, who gives a sh.

[C]

At least they didn't have to call for help. That would just be shameful. You know, the savages and all of that. That's.

[B]

That's.

[C]

That's backstory. The real moral of the story is don't call for help.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

No, it's true. And, and I think, and I think we all have also learned a little bit of a lesson about the Titanic that it is, it's not over yet. It's over and there's a chance that it could happen.

[A]

It's.

[C]

You know what? I'm, I'm with you. I, I'm a Titanic believer.

[B]

Same thing.

[C]

The Titanic is still floating around and only those who believe can see it.

[A]

And boat has been found on the bottom of the ocean.

[B]

Nobody. Nobody. Nobody is that was.

[C]

Those were, those were planted there by.

[B]

By.

[C]

By.

[A]

By France on the grave of James Cameron, you departed. Jimmy.

[B]

Dave, he's alive.

[A]

First no, he is not. Everybody associated with that ship is dead

[B]

just because of the Titanic. Just.

[C]

Molly Brown is still the running president of Denver.

[A]

Everybody. DiCaprio dead. The lady who started it, whose name I don't.

[B]

Winslet.

[A]

Winslow.

[B]

Jed Winslet.

[A]

Whatever.

[B]

Winslow. It's not family matters, you idiot.

[C]

Winslow did replace Winslet in the final season.

[B]

Paint me, will you, Jack? Did I do. Wait, what is this? Natalia, thank you for being here. Thank you for joining us. We encourage people to go check out. You're a fantastic guest. We appreciate you being here.

[A]

Look at our circus work and look

[B]

at your circus work. Look at your clowns. I do fire.

[C]

I do Ariel. I do hula hoops and children's birthday parties and funerals, so.

[B]

Oh, you've done a funeral.

[A]

There's really good circus stuff going on at funeral.

[C]

You know, a funeral is the perfect time to hire a fire spinner.

[B]

You know, the only way I want to be cremated is slowly by a fire spinner. I want the slow fire spinning, ashened. Thank you, Natalia. We love you. Thank you, guys.

[C]

Thanks for having me aboard.

[B]

Hey, what's up, doll heads? This is Gareth Reynolds from the Doll up, the podcast you're listening to. Hey, I've got some very exciting information if you like movies and you're in the San Jose area. I made a movie. It's called Give it up and it will be at the Cinequest Film Festival. You can go to GiveItUpFilm.com for tickets and information. It'll be March 15th is the main screening, so go to GiveItUpFilm.Com also if you like stand up comedy. February 4th, I'll be in Spokane. February 5th, Bend, Oregon. Then I'll be in Portland. February 6th and February 7th, three shows that night. Then I'll be at flappers in Burbank. February 21, Bakersfield. February 27 for two shows. I will be in Albuquerque, New Mexico, April 19 Tulsa, Oklahoma, April 21 Bricktown comedy in Oklahoma City April 22 Dallas, Texas, April 23 Tyler, Texas, April 24. Finally, Houston, April 25 two shows, Austin at the Great Cap City April 26 and then San Antonio April 28 and Tucson April 29. Garethreynolds.com for tickets and information, but also if you want to go see my movie and you're in the san Jose area, giveitupfilm.com.