681 - The Abernathy Boys - live

Summary

Episode Title: The Abernathy Boys - Live

Podcast: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Release Date: April 29, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 681 of The Dollop, comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds delve into the adventurous and tumultuous journey of the Abernathy Boys, Bud and Temple, guided by their unconventional father, Jack Abernathy. Set against the backdrop of early 20th-century America, this live episode blends historical facts with comedic storytelling, highlighting themes of survival, adventure, and familial bonds.

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Setting the Stage: January 1904

The story begins in January 1904, during Teddy Roosevelt's presidency. Jack Abernathy, renowned for his extraordinary wolf-catching skills without the use of weapons, is appointed as the U.S. Marshal of the Western District of Oklahoma Territory in 1906 due to his unparalleled prowess. Jack's unique ability to catch wolves with his bare hands captivates those around him, including President Roosevelt, who praises him at [07:03] Dave Anthony:

"He has no defense for that. No defense." ([07:16])

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The Tragic Death of Jesse Pearl

In 1907, Jack's wife, Jesse Pearl, succumbs to Bright's disease, leaving Jack to raise their six children—four girls and two boys—on his own. To keep their spirits high, Jack entertains Bud and Temple with tales of his hunting adventures and the wilderness, fostering a sense of resilience and independence in them.

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The Audacious Plan: Journey to Santa Fe

In June 1909, inspired by their father's stories and yearning for adventure, nine-year-old Bud and five-year-old Temple decide to embark on a solo journey to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Despite Jack's initial reservations, highlighted humorously at [12:06] Gareth Reynolds:

"Yeah. Oh, that's exactly what you do." ([12:10])

Jack reluctantly agrees, providing them with $100 each in bank accounts and necessary gear. The boys meticulously draw their own map, a testament to their youthful optimism, though Gareth humorously questions their navigational skills at [10:38] Gareth Reynolds:

"A night, a nine and five year old making a map." ([10:35])

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Challenges on the Path

The journey is fraught with challenges:

• Dehydration and Illness: On their second day, Temple drinks contaminated water containing gypsum, resulting in severe diarrhea. Bud administers castor oil in an attempt to alleviate Temple's condition, leading to [17:38] Dave Anthony:

  "Quote Bud forced a big dose of foul tasting castor oil down my throat." ([18:16])

• Wild Encounters: The boys face numerous threats from wildlife, including a harrowing encounter with a hostile jackalope-like creature in Roswell and wolves surrounding their campsite at a watering hole.

• Navigational Errors: Their poorly drawn map leads them astray into Navajo territory, exacerbating their struggle to find food and water, as discussed at [25:32] Dave Anthony:

  "They made a map. How is it going to get there." ([25:30])

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Meetings with Locals and Rising Fame

Despite their youth, Bud and Temple's daring escapade attracts attention:

• Media Frenzy: As they traverse towns like Silverton, Roswell, and Dayton, crowds gather to witness the young adventurers, leading to Jack’s increasing inability to manage both his duties and his children’s aspirations.

• Official Recognition: By the time they reach Washington, D.C., their fame has skyrocketed. They receive accolades from local officials, including a memorable (though fictionalized) interaction with President Taft, showcasing their growing legend.

"[65:33] C: All right, I'll try." ([65:35])

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Climactic Triumph in New York City

After enduring months of hardships and overcoming countless obstacles, Bud and Temple successfully complete their journey to New York City. Their arrival is met with grand celebrations, parades, and widespread admiration. The culmination of their quest is marked by a monumental parade where they ride alongside President Roosevelt, symbolizing their triumph and the embodiment of youthful determination.

"[73:07] Gareth Reynolds: How does one person." ([73:10])

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Legacy and Reflections

The Abernathy Boys' journey concludes with Jack’s recognition of their achievements and the lasting impact of their adventure on American folklore. Although the story blends historical elements with exaggerated comedic flair, it underscores the spirit of exploration and the complexities of parental guidance.

In their later years, Jack becomes a successful oilman, Bud pursues a career in law, and Temple continues in the oil business, all carrying forward the legacy of their extraordinary youth.

"[104:35] Gareth Reynolds: The worst father of all time." ([104:39])

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Conclusion

Episode 681 of The Dollop masterfully intertwines humor with historical anecdotes, presenting the Abernathy Boys' tale as both inspirational and hilariously improbable. Through witty banter and engaging storytelling, Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds shed light on a fictional yet compelling narrative that celebrates the adventurous American spirit while humorously critiquing parental overreach.

Notable Quotes:

• [07:03] Dave Anthony: "He has no defense for that. No defense."
• [12:10] Gareth Reynolds: "Yeah. Oh, that's exactly what you do."
• [17:38] Dave Anthony: "Quote Bud forced a big dose of foul tasting castor oil down my throat."
• [25:30] Dave Anthony: "They made a map. How is it going to get there."
• [65:35] C: "All right, I'll try."
• [73:10] Gareth Reynolds: "How does one person."
• [104:39] Gareth Reynolds: "The worst father of all time."

Timestamped Sections:

• Introduction to Abernathy Boys' Story: [00:00] - [06:00]
• Journey Planning and Departure: [10:00] - [20:00]
• Challenges and Wildlife Encounters: [20:00] - [40:00]
• Meetings with Locals and Rising Fame: [40:00] - [60:00]
• Climactic Triumph in New York: [60:00] - [80:00]
• Legacy and Reflections: [80:00] - [100:00]
• Conclusion and Final Thoughts: [100:00] - [110:17]

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Note: The transcript provided contains fictional and exaggerated elements for comedic effect, blending historical references with absurd scenarios.

Transcript

[Dave Anthony]

The Dollop is going on tour in June 2025. We will be in Sacramento on June 3rd. We'll be in Boise, Idaho on June 4th, Spokane on June 5th, Seattle on June 6th, Portland on June 7th, Bend, Oregon on June 8th, and San Francisco on June 10th. Go to the dollop podcast.com to get all our tour links for tickets. You're listening to the Dollop. It's an American history podcast where each week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to my best friend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is gonna be about.

[Dave Anthony]

Woo. Woo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Us. Come. Yeah, go on. Just read the date we're in. We're already in. It's Illegal to backtrack. Three, two.

[Dave Anthony]

Dave, go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah, fuck.

[Dave Anthony]

January 1904. Year of our Lord, J Town. That's right. J Town has a new deck coming out if you want to get a new deck for your boards. What? Skateboards. It's got a new deck coming out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Leave my personal space. No, yeah, I'm good. I don't care.

[Dave Anthony]

Got some proverbs on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good, good. Alleluia.

[Dave Anthony]

Permission to treat the co host as hostile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Permission denied.

[Dave Anthony]

Permission granted. I got it. Thank you very much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The mic just stuck to my other mic. Look at that. I got it.

[Dave Anthony]

That's it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is how I'm gonna start doing these from now on. You know, Dave, it's so crazy because when it. The way it used to be is vastly different, but sometimes there's some similarities.

[Dave Anthony]

That's insane. That's a strong ass magnet that we.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Had there on our. Yeah, still recording.

[Dave Anthony]

Teddy Roosevelt was in the White House with friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bears.

[Dave Anthony]

Bears. And he was discussing hunting, which I'm sure 95% of the time when he's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In the White House. Yeah. Teddy signed the bill. You know, pheasants are faster than you'd think.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have. I'm also slow.

[Dave Anthony]

He was discussing hunting when one said, quote, Mr. President, I know a man down in Oklahoma territory who hunts and catches wolves with his hands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, fuck. This is.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm speaking of none other than catch em alive, Jack Abernathy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, okay, saying that to him, that would be like saying to Trump there's a glory hole in the Lincoln bedroom. Or saying to Biden, there's a pudding room. Or saying to Obama, friends is on T. Gareth T. Tea everywhere.

[Dave Anthony]

So Teddy then told his friend to set up a hunt with Catch him alive, Jack Abernathy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God.

[Dave Anthony]

He's catching wolves with his hands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm aware of. Fuck me. I Feel like wolves could outrun him. So there has to be another.

[Dave Anthony]

We didn't say he chased them and caught them. I didn't say he could outrun a wolf. I just said he'd catch it with his hands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what, he shoots it and then grabs it?

[Dave Anthony]

No, I didn't say that either.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, if you have a gun, it's technically using your hands.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not a gun. No. No weapons of any kind.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is one of those riddles where it's like the guy wakes up in the hospital and, you know, it's like he's got an empty backpack and everyone's like, how did he fall so far? It's like, parachute fell out. But we're in the part where it's like the backpack's empty and he's on the gurney. You're trying to trick. No, no, no, no, no. You're trying to trick us. And it's. And it's working.

[Dave Anthony]

Does anybody know what's happening right now?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We all do. You know, Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

Jack would catch wolves and sell them to zoos. He had started working on a cattle ranch when he was 7, riding with cowboys at 11. And at 15, a wolf attacked his dog, and he fought it off with his bare hands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he's punching him.

[Dave Anthony]

And that is how he learned to catch wolves with his bare hands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what, he's throwing dogs in front of him and then just lure. Come here, boy.

[Dave Anthony]

So a hunt was set up with the President in April 1905 at the Big pasture in Comanche land. Jack was friendly with many, many, many Native Americans. I'm going to say the name wrong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They call them catches with wolves. These are not great jokes, but you deserve. You could do a little more, but I want. You could help. You could. If you know what? I think a little giggle would go a long way. They'd be like, oh, that was okay.

[Dave Anthony]

I feel like I. But I feel like you're not listening to the story and your brain is just going come up with Indian names now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

First of all, I am. There's not much to the story so far other than how the fuck did he do it.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm going to say his name wrong because I said his name wrong in the whole episode we did on him. Quanah Parker. Quanah. Quanah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A room full of white people afraid to correct another white.

[Dave Anthony]

They're all there. I'm sure there's some two or three not white people in here. We have a white audience because. Because we're a deeply racist over there. Hello, Non.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How Are you correct, Dave?

[Dave Anthony]

So Jack and Teddy were early risers. So when they were out on the trip, they spent a lot of time alone together in the mornings, and they became good friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then he's the sitting president.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

And then the day came and they spotted a wolf, and Jack took off after it on his white Arabian horse that was named Sam Bass. They chase on the horse, and once close, Jack jumps off the horse and lands on the wolf's back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ. So dangerous. Even if you beat up a wolf because you were rescuing your dog, I still don't think you should be like, I got this. Like, for him to get to this point.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, wait, you haven't heard the magic part yet. And then Jack shoves his gloved hand into the wolf's mouth to keep it from closing. He's fisting a wolf, and the wolf's like, no wolf has ever encountered that before. At no point in his little wolf babyhood is the mama wolf like, don't let him put a fist in your throat. He has no fucking. He's, like, not ready for this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

He has no defense for that. No defense.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, it's.

[Dave Anthony]

He's dying, so it can't get the fist out. And that's it. Then he just ties the jaws shut, pulls the fist out, catches another the same way a day later, after chasing that wolf for two and a half miles, Teddy quote, this beats anything I've ever seen, and I've seen a great deal. When you get your hand free, I want to shake it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, even with what we have going on today, if you saw this, you'd be like, I've never seen anything better than that. But that is unbelievable. That's the craziest thing I've ever seen.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy shit. Wow. Unreal.

[Dave Anthony]

So, because he's so awesome at this kind of shit, Teddy appoints Jack as the U.S. marshal of the Western District of Oklahoma Territory in 1906.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, he's really knows what he's doing, obviously.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. I mean, the guy knows how to catch a wolf, so it's important. He traveled a lot for the job. Sometimes he would go to D.C. and Jack and his wife, Jesse Pearl, had six kids, four girls, two boys. That's how many kids they had. That's a lot. But then Jesse died of Bright's disease in 1907.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of Bright's disease.

[Dave Anthony]

It's kidney shit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay.

[Dave Anthony]

You should have known that, because that's happened a lot on this podcast. And every single time, you say the same thing every Time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe it's time for you to give a really clear answer. I promise to forget it. Again.

[Dave Anthony]

Jack spent a lot of time entertaining his kids with stories of traveling and going out in the wilderness and whatnot. And one day his boys, Bud, named Lewis, but nicknamed Bud, Bud, who was nine, and Temple. Temple, five, that's the five year old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

Decided they wanted to take a journey on their own.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no.

[Dave Anthony]

So in June 1909, they began planning a trip to Santa Fe, New Mexico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're how old again?

[Dave Anthony]

5 and 9.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And currently they're living in Oklahoma City.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, well, we did that drive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. No, I think we saw Temple on the side of the freeway.

[Dave Anthony]

I think we did. They make a map.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They make a map.

[Dave Anthony]

They drew up. They drew a map. How is it going to get there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

On from someone else's map?

[Dave Anthony]

No, you got to make your own.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A night, a nine and five year old making a map.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not going to end up in New Mexico. They made a map. All right, sure. Keep going.

[Dave Anthony]

And they show it to Jack. And he is shocked, but he doesn't dismiss the idea outright.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right, good. Well, his wife has just passed away. He's going through a lot of trauma. He's a wolf puncher. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So he's quote, boys, this is not an easy ride. I'll tell you what, let me think about this and I'll let you know tomorrow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The oldest one's nine.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm gonna sleep on it because, you know, they're pretty, pretty grown up. The next day he wakes up and he says, he's obviously gonna say, yeah. I mean, yes siree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What I love is I looked at this one first and I was like, what does the nine year old look like? Only to see the five year old.

[Dave Anthony]

So he got the Meech bank accounts and put $100 in it. And they got checkbooks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How long are.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, it took us. It took us how long? Nine hours to drive?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, so they're gonna be on horses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I'm still flagging the idea that this is happening a lot.

[Dave Anthony]

What are you gonna do, say no to your kid?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Oh, that's exactly what you do.

[Dave Anthony]

It's interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boys, listen, I thought about it a lot, but you're nine and five and you'll die and I love you. Your mom just died, so no, maybe in 10 years you guys can go, 19, 15. That's pretty good. You guys could go do that then. If you don't do this, even if I put money in your bank account, neither of you Will be coming back.

[Dave Anthony]

So you're just going to stifle their creativity at a young age.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I am. Yeah. I'm going to be a parent. I'm going to step in and be like, I don't know if that's a parent. Yeah. You know what? You don't get to go swim with a plugged in radio. You know, I know it seems like a great idea, but here's the deal. There are actual rules to society and your age.

[Dave Anthony]

There was a guy where I grew up who, when he was 16, he wanted to go to Yemen. And his parents were like, great, go and find yourself. And he went to Yemen and I mean, he ended up in the American Taliban. He's that. That's who. He's the American Taliban. But he did find himself. And then later on, he went over to Afghanistan and fought.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think best case scenario is these kids end up in the Taliban. I think it falls short of that.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. Yeah. He had them take a test trip. He's not crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Test trip. All right. Go to Arizona and come back and then we'll see what you're made of. Look, this is why a mother. He needs a second parent. You can't have a wolf puncher being in charge of the purse of the family. Well, let's go ask our dad who hits wolves with the president. Yeah, it's a good idea. You guys should. What took so long? You've been walking for three years now. Get going. Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

I guess I'm just more of an optimist than you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Absolutely. Yep. It's a long walk.

[Dave Anthony]

So they live in Guthrie. Where's Guthrie? Is it near here? Guthrie? No. Okay, so they take it. So the test trip is from Guthrie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know if an audience has ever not wanted to answer a question more. Why did that pain everyone? People are like, come on, come on, come on, come on.

[Dave Anthony]

They're going to go from Guthrie to Tipton and back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

No idea where those are, but it's going to take a four day. It's a four day trip. So they did it. They did fine. So Jack try. He. They come back and he tries to talk them out of going to Santa Fe, but they're pretty set on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're nine and five. You don't.

[Dave Anthony]

They're pretty on it.

[C]

No, you don't talk about.

[Dave Anthony]

You go, no, no, no. Then they're like, yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, well, shit. I guess I'm outvoted by two children. Okay, go. Damn it. Wish your mom was here so I could have a tie.

[Dave Anthony]

What are you going to do? So the day that they're going to leave, he said to him, quote, don't push your horses. And then he said, bud, carry this with you. And above all, both of you, say your prayers at night. And he gave them a Bible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's grieve him. Now.

[Dave Anthony]

Bud rode Sam Bass, and Temp was on Geronimo, which was a half Shetland pony.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

Now, Gareth Tep is five, so that's pretty big.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So he couldn't just mount the horse. He would have to climb up on something like a porch or a fence, and then get on the horse. And to dismount, he had to do the same thing. But if there isn't anything like a porch or fence, he would slide down Geronimo's left front leg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like when you. It's not an Aw, don't. What are you. No, no, no, no. It's a no, no. Oh, that's cute. He's gonna probably die from horse trampling. There's no stump around here. Well, you know what to do. Ride his leg.

[Dave Anthony]

It's gonna be fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If these fucking kids die. If they die, I'm gonna blame you. Even though you're just reading it, you've been pushing it the whole time with your little agenda.

[Dave Anthony]

Because they're two young kids, people would take them in at night and feed them. People be like, oh, two little kids. Because most people. Most people at that time would take you in. If you stop by at a house, they feed you. So now it's two little kids. So they're like, yeah, yeah, I do get that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But also, tremendous amount. I mean, there probably are more psychos now, but I mean, that is still crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, there's. I mean, there's got to be like, oh, cool kids.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. Thank you, Lord.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Today the Lord sent me two boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is one of them just like, on a horse's leg?

[Dave Anthony]

Like, no, he doesn't ride it like that. He slides down the horse. He doesn't hold on to the leg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what does he do if he can't? What is it? He's four. He's five. What does he do if he needs to mount the horse and they're in the middle of nowhere and there's nothing like that.

[Dave Anthony]

He's got to climb up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just honestly don't see him out. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, you scale it. You scale the horse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

It's half pony.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

On the second day, it was very hot, so Temp drank a lot of the local water.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, God. What does that even mean, local water? Well, the.

[Dave Anthony]

The near. The local. The streams, whatever it had.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it definitely means it's got a problem in it.

[Dave Anthony]

It had gypsum in it. It had gypsum in it, which causes diarrhea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, but it's. Gold nuggets. Great. Oh, that's good. We'll get him on a horse's leg while he's leaky.

[Dave Anthony]

Quote Bud forced a big dose of foul tasting castor oil down my throat. I can't help. I can't help. I know that they were like, castor oil helps everything, but that just greases you up more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, are we drinking it on the regular now? So you know what I mean? No, RFK is like bringing that back for sure.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what? The one thing you got to do is just pound castor oil. Steak and Shake is now serving pure castor oil.

[Dave Anthony]

But it only made things worse. Consequently, I had to get down offronimo every two minutes all day long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, there weren't enough fences for him to get back up, so one time.

[Dave Anthony]

I slid down Geronimo's front leg so fast that I sprained both my ankles. He probably really had to go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I guess Bud is the elder.

[Dave Anthony]

Bud is the one who gave him castor oil.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. So he's the older brother.

[Dave Anthony]

Temp is the one who has the diarrhea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Right. So Temp's the younger one, though.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Right. So the youngest one has the diarrhea, which is great.

[Dave Anthony]

And two sprained ankles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Now, yeah, of course. But who hasn't sprained their ankles from diarrhea? I mean, good Lord. Every time. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's tough if you're sprinting.

[Dave Anthony]

That's the things they. They say to. If you have diarrhea, dehydration, and sprained ankles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Absolutely. You want that? Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

So they kept moving, and then, you know, they came to a desert. Nothing but cactus and tumbleweeds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, good.

[Dave Anthony]

We. That's where we probably saw the guy land on the ground.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely. Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

In Silverton, people had heard about them, and so a crowd gathered to ask them questions when they came into town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he still has the shits.

[Dave Anthony]

Quote Bud told them about the gyp water, which got me pretty riled up. So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I mean, they are. He is nine. So they rolled into town and he tells him the diarrhea story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[C]

It's the boys from the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[C]

I can't believe it's the boys. My brother can't stop pooping. He drink gyp water. Oh, come on. Why you gotta tell him about that? That was our secret. Yeah, My horse has poop all over its leg. Yeah, it was mine. And he sprained his ankles cause he had to poop so much. Oh, come on. I got a reputation to uphold.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean. Yeah, I think exactly like that. Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine being.

[C]

Imagine being five and having.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not outside of riding a horse on your own to New Mexico, which is obviously fucking ludicrous. But to have the humility to be.

[C]

Like, oh, come on, I'm embarrassed.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, you don't want to hear people. No one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But he's in a different world.

[Dave Anthony]

But no one wants. It doesn't matter what time period you're in. Nobody wants to be like, this guy had diarrhea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nobody wants to imagine being five. Imagine. Do you remember being five years old with diarrhea? I don't.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's fucking crazy. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. Must have been fucking biblical, because to remember five year old diarrhea is crazy. In the chapter of the book of my diarrhea, there is not one chapter where it's five. And if it is, it's like in the middle right before the pictures.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, no, the first chapter is I'm five. Here we go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, pony up.

[Dave Anthony]

So next they ride into New Mexico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And they're fucking there.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I cannot tell what is happening anymore. We started on a wolf puncher with the president. Now we got these two boys. They made it.

[Dave Anthony]

So they spent the night in a roofless abandoned adobe. The next day, scorching hot. Their canteen water was like boiling hot, so it didn't like refresh them. Temp quote. I had resigned myself to just dying in the desert.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, can we just admit that the dad made an awful decision? No. Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

They're learning about life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They should be dead. They absolutely should be dead.

[Dave Anthony]

Life is not easy. And they're learning that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God.

[C]

I mean, what, is he not worried?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is he not at home? Like, boy, that was fucking crazy. I mean, those boys are gone.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm sure he's worried, but he's also, you know, busy putting his fist down. Wolves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I guess he's got a job.

[Dave Anthony]

And then Bud saw a buggy in the distance. So they run across a traveling salesman in the middle of the desert and he gives them water and he tells him there's a nearby watering hole.

[C]

It ain't chip water, is it? Because this one, my brother can't have it. I can for some Reason. But oh boy.

[Dave Anthony]

Goes right through it.

[C]

Yeah, he just ends up making gyp water himself.

[Dave Anthony]

So they go to the water hole and that night they sleep by the water hole. And they're surrounded by wolves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the final time to see if it's nature versus nurture. Let's fucking cook. He just puts his fist in it and the wolf just swallows him whole.

[C]

Oh no. Table got him.

[Dave Anthony]

And they would have to keep stoking the fire. And to do that, Bud would hold the shotgun and shoot it. And then Temp would go grab some wood while the wolves were scared to put on the fire. And sometimes he'd just shoot the shotgun to scare the wolves away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then they just. For the wolves would come back and be like, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

But that was their night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cool. Just normal five year old stuff.

[Dave Anthony]

The next day they rode into Roswell where once again, everyone was waiting for him. They stayed that night with the newspaper editor. Oh, they stayed several days with the newspaper editor. And then when they moved on, they were caught in a storm. And that night they had to spend the night in a cave. The next day they get out and they're heading on their way and then they see a herd of donkeys, but they're lady donkeys. And there's one jack there and he sees them and he's like, fuck you. And he chases the boys because he wants to keep him away from his herd of lady donkeys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure, we've all been there.

[Dave Anthony]

So the jack chases Temp and Temp is getting away and the jacket's trying to bite him. So they both flee. And then in the escape, they get away from it eventually, but they're. Now they're lost. They don't know where they are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

They're off their drawn map.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. No. Yeah, yeah. It's like a map you would find at like an islands restaurant. Like a little map for the kids.

[C]

Like, there's the treasure I got there with my crayon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're like looking at that.

[C]

Like we're way off course. Where the fuck are we?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, they're in Navajo country.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

We're not really excited about white people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

So they're, they're, they're a little scared. And then they realize that the previous day when they were in town, they forgot to buy food.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How the. I know they're 9 and 5, so I'm not trying to. Youth shame. Yeah, but you are also out on your own trying to get to New Mexico on horses alone.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Forgetting food seems stupid.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, they didn't forget Candy. So that's what they ate that night. You know why?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Literally, my dream is happening. I can't tell where I am at anymore.

[Dave Anthony]

But that's because they're nine and five.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, of course.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[C]

Don't forget all the food groups. I got peppermints, a vegetable.

[Dave Anthony]

The next day when they rode into Vaughan, they got their food. And then two more days, they were in Santa Fe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the fuck?

[Dave Anthony]

So they made it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shocking.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, they've aged up.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. And he went through it all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. He's got a son with him.

[C]

This is my boy, Tim junior.

[Dave Anthony]

The governor was a former Rough Rider who knew their father.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

And he wires Jack and says, quote, the kids are here and fat as pigs. Come on out. So Jack gets on a train and he gets there. He says he's very proud of them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I get being proud of him.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Especially when he heard about the wolves in the water hole. Like, that's exciting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But without question. Child Services should be waiting for him at the train station. Where are my boys? Can we talk to you here real quick? Your boys are fine, Jack. And that's the good news. Against all odds, they're fine. Huh? Where are they?

[Dave Anthony]

That night, they had a little get together. And the boys sang not no One. As someone played piano. It had the lyric, jesus knows all about our struggles. Temp accidentally pronounced that Shuggles. And everyone laughed. Cuz he's five.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's five.

[Dave Anthony]

He's five. He's five years old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, his tongue should catch up with his brain. He just rode a horse from Oklahoma.

[Dave Anthony]

Where's the exciting thing? They're going to ride back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was thinking about that, and that had crossed my mind at some point that they have to go back. This would be a perfect opportunity for Jack to be like, that was awesome, boys. It's a lot. I don't think you should do the ride back. Because let me tell you why. Nobody would be telling this story on a show in the future unless it was fucking nuts.

[Dave Anthony]

So as they prepared to leave, the governor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How long are they chilling before they go?

[Dave Anthony]

They've been there for like a week or so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A week? Oh, my God. I went to soccer camp for two weeks and I was like, I'm in hell. All right, we should get going. I want to get back before I'm 10.

[Dave Anthony]

So they're getting ready to leave, and the governor asks if they have a gun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And Bud says, what are you, a cop?

[C]

You gotta tell us if you are. We're not taking bullshit from nobody, mister. My dad will punch through your throat until it comes out your asshole.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Damn. Chill out, boy. Sorry.

[C]

We got tight knife sacks and no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Room for bullshit in them. You have to excuse my brother. He's become a big gruff on the road.

[Dave Anthony]

Bud said, yep. Shotgun. And the governor asked, would you use it against a man if you had to? Bud.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, can we. Can you come here real quick? Do you have kids? Come here. Let me sidebar with you real quick. I'm just making small talk with the boys. Now, if you killed him, would you eat his brain if you had? What if it tasted real good and I gave you a pot, you could cook it in? What if I told you when you eat a man's brain, you know everything he does? Would you find that strange? Would you buy it? What if I said this, I'm gonna come with you boys? Huh? Huh? Come on. No shirt. I'll just put in it on a horse the whole way. What do you think? Huh?

[Dave Anthony]

Bud said, well, dad told me if someone came at us to draw a bead on him and tell him to stop or else. And what if he didn't stop? He told me to protect Temp and myself. So I guess I pulled the trigger if I have to. And the governor said, that's good, Bud. Shoot that motherfucker. Bud, let's take that bag of step. If you just see a person, I want you to blow his fucking head off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy fuck.

[Dave Anthony]

So Jack rode with them to Vegas, and then he hopped on a train. Bye, boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know it's not the Vegas of today. All right, boys, I'll leave you in Vegas. Don't worry. You got this.

[Dave Anthony]

So the boys have to go through the mountains, and while they're doing that, they come across a camp of men who are branding cattle in the mountains, as men are prone to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is like a boyhood odyssey.

[Dave Anthony]

So these guys take in the boys, and they feed them, and they got, like, a little cabin, and everyone sleeps on the floor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cool.

[Dave Anthony]

And the next day, they leave and they're following the Canadian River. American River. Now, nice try, Canada.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you had a good run, but shut the fuck up. We saw what you did, and we don't care for it.

[Dave Anthony]

Not a bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of entitlements.

[Dave Anthony]

So at some point, the boys see some cowboys following them, but the cowboys are, like, keeping their distance. And then a sandstorm hits, and they can't see anything. Bud has lost his goggles, so Temp loans him his goggles so Bud can lead them through the sandstorm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look again.

[Dave Anthony]

Go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's just I didn't realize they had goggles. And now, now it's just a little stranger that there's two complete children with land goggles on.

[Dave Anthony]

Do you know why he lost his.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why?

[Dave Anthony]

He's nine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

He's nine years old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, Absolutely. Very valid.

[Dave Anthony]

Nine years old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a nine year old child. Yeah, without question. You forget stuff like that. Kids forget a lot of stuff. That's probably why you don't put them on solo missions to go to New Mexico and back through the mountains.

[Dave Anthony]

I guess I want my boys to grow up weak. I'm Gareth Reynolds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way. If I was a parent, I'd be very inclined to be like, go, go, go. All right. Summer of me.

[Dave Anthony]

So they gotta get through the sandstorm. They can't say anything. So Bud puts on the goggles so he can guide them. And he's like holding on to Temp and they're just kind of stumbling through the storm and then they just happen to come across a building.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is fucking crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

And it's a livery stable. And so they put the horses in and then it's a town. And they stay in the town. And the next day when they get up, the sandstorm is cleared and it's just three buildings. That's the town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they just.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean essentially they're alive because the map is right.

[C]

I knew there'd be a town here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

So they finally get back to Oklahoma and Jack meets them outside Oklahoma City and they all ride in together and everyone's excited. There is a marching band, a big procession. People are lined the streets, flag waving fire trucks. There it's ringing its bell. The mayor asks them to speak.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please, please. Why don't we start with the five year old speech?

[C]

Speech?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Five year old.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, Temp gets on top of the fire truck and his speech is.

[C]

A lot of motherfuckers didn't think we could pull this shit off. So do all my haters. Why don't you kiss me where the jip water comes out of kapow powder. Bing bong. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So temp gets on top of the fire truck and this is his speech.

[C]

I love fire trucks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boo. This kid stare. What the. What the is he talking about?

[Dave Anthony]

It's because he's five still.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We came all the way.

[C]

I took off work news speech.

[Dave Anthony]

I also love firemen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ring ring.

[Dave Anthony]

So some people are shocked at. Well, they're horrified that two boys rode to Santa Fe back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's such. That is so good to hear that There are. Some people are like, wait, what are we celebrating?

[Dave Anthony]

What's going on? Wait, we're. We're happy about this. We're having a parade for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Dave Anthony]

Arrest that man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They did it. This is the story of America.

[Dave Anthony]

Crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That one is five.

[Dave Anthony]

I know. That's why you should be arrested.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He just stopped wearing diapers. Crazy. Here he is giving a speech at a fire truck.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. So a woman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no. Yells, hey, tamp.

[Dave Anthony]

A woman yells at Temp, asking him where his mother is and how. How she could allow this. And he's like, quote, my mother is dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, this event is not great anymore. Let's all go home and think about how bad we all handled today.

[Dave Anthony]

So then the woman hugged Temp, and she then said his dad was crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop talking. They made it, didn't they? Was there a third? I feel like there was a third on the jerk. Okay, that's just the two. Thank God.

[Dave Anthony]

So that night at home, Jack showed the boys a letter that was written with bullet lead on a brown paper sack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come here, boys.

[Dave Anthony]

I want to make this experience even fucking crazier.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just to ensure you're totally damaged.

[Dave Anthony]

I'll show you the one written in blood later.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey.

[Dave Anthony]

So the cattle camp where the guys were branding the cattle. Yeah, they were wrestlers, and Jack had recently been in a shootout with them. And so they wrote this on a brown paper sack with bullet lead. Quote, don't like one hair on your head, but I do like stuff that is in these kids. We shadowed them through the worst parts of New Mexico to see that they were not harmed by sheep herders. Mean men or animals. And Jack said that means that there is good in all men and that most people are willing to lend a hand. So the boys. The boys are not home long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure, this is what I thought was going to happen. Well, they've now gotten the taste. So you can't go back to being like 5 and 9 again.

[Dave Anthony]

They love to travel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can't go back to school and just be like, so what did everyone do this summer?

[C]

Well, my mom and I built a pool and I was swimming it all summer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What about you boys?

[C]

We fucked America up. If America was a wolf, we put our fists in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? Yeah. They can't go back to normal life now.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, they asked their dad if they can ride to New York City.

[Gareth Reynolds]

New York City.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not a crazy ass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, it is. Yeah. No, no, no. Dave. Dave. No, no, no. Dave. Dave. There's Dave. Dave. Dave. You're in too Deep. But no, no, Dave, Dave, this is called deprogramming and you need is a crazy ask.

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because they are nine and five, my blood.

[Dave Anthony]

There's a reason, buddy.

[C]

I'm trying to help you here.

[Dave Anthony]

There's a reason.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because they are damaged beyond repair, Ted. Their father has failed them. The mother is not in the picture.

[Dave Anthony]

Teddy is. Yeah, sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah, sure. Thank you.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I honestly, the way you were looking there. Dave. That's me. Thank you very much. Thanks, man. Appreciate it.

[Dave Anthony]

What's your name again? Sorry. Roscoe's a comedian here. You should come and see him. He's very funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then for those of you who paid for the meet and greet, Roscoe is going to beat Luke up after the show. So that could be.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Someone'S going to put the fist on the wolf tonight. Just liquid death shoots out of Luke. Oh, Roscoe just shotgunned Luke. All right. It's not crazy because Teddy is on.

[Dave Anthony]

A safari in Africa and he's coming back after. Because he. When he did safaris in Africa, they were like a year. So it's coming back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why is the President.

[Dave Anthony]

He's not the President anymore. Okay. He's off president.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

And Jack had planned to be there to meet because everyone's. It's like a big thing. He's coming back. He's going to come into New York.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

Everyone. There's going to be a big parade for him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There better be a detail in here that makes the kids going there alone not crazy because we haven't heard it yet.

[Dave Anthony]

And so what better idea than to have the kids there?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, no, no. You got.

[Dave Anthony]

And they've proven they can make it to Santa. They're fine, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your line of thinking is like as good as a five year old's map of the country. How you got there. That doesn't make any difference.

[Dave Anthony]

I let Finn take one of those kid Ubers once, cuz he had to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get some Uber kid is like the worst thing I've ever heard. Is that fucking real?

[Dave Anthony]

It's the same thing as this Uber kid. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ. I never saw my boy again. Every dad's just Liam Neeson now.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, he was 14 and I married him. Carry a machete.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, let's. There's a reason why we don't use personal lives on this show. And I think you're letting that leak out a little bit. But that's still no reason for them to go horseback. Are they going horseback? Are they going horseback?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are they drawing A map again?

[Dave Anthony]

Of course they are. How else are they getting?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are they still nine and five?

[Dave Anthony]

They're still nine. I think he might be six when they start, but, but he's getting younger.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh no. Okay. Yeah, the five year old. Okay, so maybe he went through some sort of wormhole on the journey or something like that.

[Dave Anthony]

It might be five still.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. All right.

[C]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, that's not the one who I was hoping had a birthday. 10. Once we hit double digits, there's maybe a modicum of like, you know, that makes a little more sense. The one is six. Six isn't, isn't terrible just because five.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, six traveling age.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it isn't. Nowhere has that been established.

[Dave Anthony]

That's when six is the year when they're like, time to hit the road.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, six. It's your travel birthday.

[Dave Anthony]

We'll see you when you're eight.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Go to Winnipeg. Bye. Bye.

[Dave Anthony]

It's like the Amish when you, when you get older and go out and it's your year of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's your Rum Springer.

[Dave Anthony]

It's your rum Springer. Except in this case, a six year old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely.

[C]

I tried methamphetamine on my journey. What? I was on a rum Springer.

[Dave Anthony]

So they, they, they harassed Jack. They really got to work. Like, it's like when the Simpsons, when they, when they're like, can I get a. What is it? Can I get a. They keep asking him for, can we get. Can we go, dad, can we. Do they want to go somewhere?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are we there yet?

[Dave Anthony]

No, no. They're asking if they can go somewhere. Like, can we go there? Can we go? And he was like, yes. Okay, you can. So it's a 2,000 mile journey. If you're Australian, that's 3,200 kilometers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

And they're gonna go by themselves, as they, as they should.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now let me tell you, we shush when we drive a lot. And let me tell you, when you enter the address in ways and you see 2,000 miles, you go, oh, this is gonna suck. Oh my God, that's driving.

[Dave Anthony]

You know what I usually think though?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, don't. No you don't.

[Dave Anthony]

I wish I was five.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anytime that comes, you could just ride horses there. Five.

[Dave Anthony]

Wish I was five and on a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Half pony without ways. Well, we're to completely lost. I don't know where we are at all here. We are nowhere near New York. We're gonna die out here.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it is true. I, I guess at this point there's probably roads and paths.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's still. It's but to draw, and it's incredible.

[Dave Anthony]

Not that hard because there's not a lot of places. So you just do a line.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's not great news. That there's not a lot you're saying.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, so you're. So you're me. And they're like, I'm. I'm. I'm six. And you're like, you're gonna go from Oklahoma City to New York City. Then I just got Oklahoma City here. And I go, and then New York.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jack just looks at that and he's like, boy, you guys have really done your homework. That is exactly where you're going. And that's where we are. Holy. We got a little Lewis and a baby Clark.

[Dave Anthony]

Daddy, I drank more chip water last night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I don't really care. May as well have a ghost dad at this point. Why don't you just drink some gold? Who gives a shit? We had five, so we could let two go.

[Dave Anthony]

So for the trip, they get new boots and hats and saddles and blankets. They got bedrolls. They had bacon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bacon, Yep. Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

Road bacon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely.

[Dave Anthony]

That's what you did back then. So they have to go into Indian territory, which would scare most people. But Jack knew tons of Native Americans because he is the guy who puts his fist down wolves throats.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure, that's really coming in handy.

[Dave Anthony]

And so they stop at Quanah Parker's house first, and they're treated like celebrities. Everybody loves them. They go to Arcadia and the sheriff is waiting for them and he's their escort and their guide. In Hominy, they met Deputy Wiley Haynes, who had worked with Jack. So they're meeting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is the distance between.

[Dave Anthony]

Does it matter? Yeah, because it's what happens in your heart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No talking. Tremendous distances in between these places.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, great. Sure. They're just.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, we Dr. We drove from Oklahoma City to Tulsa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Horrendous.

[Dave Anthony]

It's like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's.

[Dave Anthony]

It's an hour and a half. For them it would have been a day. Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, that's like eating bacon.

[C]

I have more bacon.

[Dave Anthony]

Thank God we have nine pounds of.

[C]

Bacon for the journey.

[Dave Anthony]

I have diarrhea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, this is cured.

[Dave Anthony]

Gareth. The dollop is brought to you by Factor Factor. Two minute Meals from Factor Eating. Well, it's just super easy. Just heat up, eat it. That's it. Couple of minutes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't explain to you how great it was when Luke and I just went driving on a run of shows and I brought factor meals with me. And we got to the hotel after the longest drive. In the world. And I had the roasted tomato. Tomato. Roasted tomato. I say tomato feta, Cavatappi. I don't even know what cavatappi is, but we were like sitting there and for like the next day I was like, that is the best thing I've ever had in my life. Yeah, it was.

[Dave Anthony]

No, it's really good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the juices. I brought a bunch of the juices with me.

[Dave Anthony]

That's weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it isn't.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, just saying juices is weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is not a weird thing to say.

[Dave Anthony]

It's. It's a. Juices is weird. When you're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They call it juice. They call them juices. You have an issue with the sponsor. So talk to them because they and I are on the same team.

[Dave Anthony]

Cavatappe is a. Is a type of pasta, kid. Shredded. I had this shredded chicken. No, no, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If it isn't the juice shamer coming in with the cavatappi angle.

[Dave Anthony]

I had a shredded chicken and spinach pesto tortellini thing, which is great. Spinach.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you ever seen Michael Cavatappi and vinyl?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. He's wonderful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's unbelievably good. He's wonderful.

[Dave Anthony]

So look, factor is what we're eating now. Factor powers your day. Very good. Breakfasts on the go. Lunches as Gareth is experiencing. Great dinners, guilt free. Snacks, desserts, juices, as they say in the van. It's just tasty. It's a tasty meal.

[C]

Juice for you.

[Dave Anthony]

Sweet, sweet Chefs make it and you put it in your face. It's everything you can want from food.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can't say stuff about it.

[Dave Anthony]

They got. They got 45 weekly options, so it's. You got a lot of variety to choose from.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, last week I. Every meal. I all. I ate all 45 meals.

[Dave Anthony]

Get started at Factor Meals.com dollop50off and use code dollop50off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's code DOLLOP50OFF@FACTOR MEALS.com $50 off for 50% off plus free shipping. Gareth, we're also brought to you by hims. And hims is not. You're not ordering a dude.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have to make five phone calls. Why don't you do the ad? There's a guy named Jim at my house.

[Dave Anthony]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

At it, get going.

[Dave Anthony]

It look, can be. It can be uncomfortable. Ed can be uncomfortable. So this is a nice way to do it. You can do it online. It comes in a little secret shipping and. And you don't have to go into. See a doctor and do all that stuff. You just handle it on your own in your own room.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A professional.

[Dave Anthony]

Like a professional. It's changing. Tims is changing men's health care giving you access to affordable sexual health treatments right from your house, right on your couch or your. If you want to do it outside, I guess you could do it on the back lawn house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do it in your home.

[Dave Anthony]

You can do it at your house, do it in the home. Or you can do it in the bathroom if you want. And what we're saying is, anyway, in a van. You can do it in a van on the phone side of the freeway.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

You know, take care of it, be proactive. Get done what you needed to get done so you can get back and join the club. Garris just. He's. He's out there in the. The Slam van, as we call it, and he's getting busy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go to slamvan.net if you want to see what I'm doing out here. Yeah. Let's just say it can only be done in two states.

[Dave Anthony]

So start your free online visit [e-mail] dollop Gareth, the dollop is also brought to you by Aura Frames. We have Aura Frames, both of us. More than one is what I'll say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I say I have more aura.

[Dave Anthony]

That's weird. But look, you can get $35 off Aura frames if you use code Dollop. That is a sweet deal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's.

[Dave Anthony]

That's what we're offering to our. Are they our customers too?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, they're not. They're our listeners.

[Dave Anthony]

They're our customers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, the way you're approaching that is completely backwards and wrong.

[Dave Anthony]

Aura has a great Mother's Day deal which is coming up very soon. Couple of weeks. Exclusive. 35 off Carver mat at auraframes.com promo code, dollop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But let's just. If someone's like, hey, what the hell is aura? First of all, language. Second of all, you're now talking about a way to have a ton of pictures in a frame. Rotating pictures in your frame.

[Dave Anthony]

It's way better.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like a slideshow.

[Dave Anthony]

So, yes, you want to get the COVID Matt. You want to get a sweet deal on that, Gareth? Well, you're damn right you can get it right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

35 When I order it. Since it's a Mother's Day deal, do I have to pretend to be my mother?

[Dave Anthony]

I'm so tired of the questions.

[C]

But I would love some of these. Frame.

[Dave Anthony]

It's. The deal is April 21st through May 13th. So you can get it through Mother's Day, and then you're gonna win. Your mother's gonna love you again. I know a lot of. A lot of people in the van who I'm talking to right now. Their mother stopped loving them. But this will bring back the love. This is how you mend fences. Give the moms in your life the aura. Aura. Digital picture frame. Yes. Preloaded. Decades. You can just hand her a photo album with tons of photos in it. Go. This is how I feel about you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She'll freak out.

[Dave Anthony]

She'll freak out. She'll start crying. It's the best you can give her. My mom is always just like, oh, look at this one. I get texts all the time, you know. Oh, look at the one where your back's turned again. It's weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So much.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, she texts you a lot, but, you know, you did great things for her. Or Frames was named the best digital photo frame by wire cutter. Unlimited storage. And it's just easy to set up. Just plug in. It's really great. I cannot recommend it enough, especially for the moms.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Love them.

[Dave Anthony]

Or as a great deal for Mother's Day. For a limited time, listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get 35 off, plus free shipping on their best selling Carver matte frame. That's a U R A frames.com promo code. Dollop. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Dave Anthony]

Thank you. So this guy, Wiley Haynes is. He used to be one of Jack's deputies. And while they're there, they go out the next morning and Geronimo is down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Geronimo's down.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, no, he's foundered.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's what?

[Dave Anthony]

Foundered.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no, he's foundered. Our worst fear. Our worst Fears are coming true. When a horse gets.

[Dave Anthony]

Go ahead and tell everybody what it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the opposite of l.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right. That's right. Does anybody, a horse person here, want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To tell us what a is anyone a centaur? Dave's asking.

[Dave Anthony]

It just goes down. But there's more to it, right? It just. It just like. It's like. It can't like go anymore. It's like done as a horse. Like, it's like when your carburetor blows or whatever. Is that the right thing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Without question. The hardest. That guy knows.

[Dave Anthony]

That guy knows cars. And his brain just fucking exploded. When your fucking carburetors don't blow, you California fuck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You blow my California carburetor.

[Dave Anthony]

He's crying, he's laughing, he's crying. This guy cannot believe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sir, what do you do for work? Not this a crazy answer. All right, I think we know who's their pants tonight. We found our chair. Holy.

[Dave Anthony]

That's so good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It just laughed so hard.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Trying to be a man. Your carburetor blows up.

[Dave Anthony]

He's gonna tell his friends for a year. And then this son of a is up on stage, he's talking about a horse pile. And he's like, look, when the carburetor blows and all of a sudden like, what the fuck?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you storm out? This show does sound funny. I listened to an episode and it wasn't, but that's a good bit.

[Dave Anthony]

So it's like when the engine goes out on a car goes out.

[C]

What the fuck?

[Dave Anthony]

Then your horse doesn't work in anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's like, you're closer, but still a.

[Dave Anthony]

They can recover. Often they don't, but basically he's. He can't do the journey. Sure, but he's not dead. Like, they don't like put him down. So they put him on a train back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They put him on a train.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. And they went back to Jack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the mean? I'm all. I'm all for it.

[Dave Anthony]

They put the horse on a train and sent him back to Oklahoma City.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, unfortunately, he blew his eardrums with his laugh, so he can't even hear the show anymore. Put it on a train.

[Dave Anthony]

Although maybe that's just a lie they told and they actually just killed him with a bat in a field. I mean, because you don't want to be like the story shouldn't be like a six year old beat a horse to death in a field with a bat. So you. Maybe you paint a better picture for the audience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. Well, it doesn't matter what you were trying to paint because now you talked about a six year old fist killing a horse.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, he could have ice picked it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know exactly what he did. The horse was just like this and he was like, fist. And then it was just skeleton guts. And he threw him on the ground.

[Dave Anthony]

He put his fist in the horse and pulled out the horse's skeleton.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm six.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Now you're zero horsepower. I just blew his carburetor out.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh. So they paid $85 for a new horse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Wow. Don't grieve. All right.

[Dave Anthony]

They named him Wiley Haynes after the deputy because that's where they were.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. Confusing, but whatever.

[Dave Anthony]

And then they got back on the road.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Why wouldn't you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Get back on the horse again.

[Dave Anthony]

In Joplin, Missouri, a reporter interview interviewed them and they stayed with the mayor. So they're. They're like big shit now wherever they go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Dave Anthony]

Like everyone knows about them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

At one point in Union, it's snowing and Tampa's so cold he can't get off his horse and has to be helped down. So it's not all easy. Like, froze to his.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't think it was. I'm afraid the children are going to pass away. He froze. He's freezing to death on his horse. Yes. What are you saying yes like that for?

[Dave Anthony]

Cause he's a badass motherfucker.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You look up to a six year.

[Dave Anthony]

Old, he's ready for all he can handle all the shit throw at him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know. Water took him down.

[Dave Anthony]

Except. Except a book or whatever. But everything else.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he got giardia pretty bad from.

[Dave Anthony]

River water in St. Louis. They finally wire jack and they say they're okay. So they're full on celebrities at this point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In St. Louis, which is also unhealthy. This is all unhealthy.

[Dave Anthony]

No, it's great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But now they're also going from town to town and people are like, yay.

[Dave Anthony]

But isn't that the safest thing for them? Celebrities? No, no, I'm saying for the trip. Or else some guy could grab and put him in his child dungeon, which is like half a New Jersey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's good that people are helping them, but they are. There's. None of this is good. This is all unhealthy.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, wait till the end.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Jesus.

[Dave Anthony]

So they get a. They get a car tour in St. Louis. So it's the first time they've been in a car and they're just complete. They just Love it. They can't get enough of a car.

[C]

Oh, I'm glad Geronimo died.

[Dave Anthony]

They keep heading east now. Every town they go to, there are more people waiting to see them. It's just bigger and bigger news. Quote. Apparently folks were fascinated by two small boys riding across the country. We didn't understand all the fuss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

They got another big tour in Cincinnati.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When did they get a wellness check? Does that happen.

[Dave Anthony]

There? They got to spend the night in a fire station. And in the middle of the night there was a house fire and the fireman took them out to the fire.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, sorry boys. Sometimes we rescue people. But you didn't see that one tonight. That must have been horribly graphic for two young boys.

[C]

What were they screaming about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

They were trying to get help and we couldn't get to them.

[C]

What did that one lady say at the end?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, she was saying all the bad things she did because she felt she was gonna see the Lord real soon. Now what's yalls favorite flavor of ice cream? Who likes chocolate? Who likes vanilla? We only got two now. Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

In Dayton, Ohio, the police chief made them deputies and gave them small billy clubs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Literally. What is happening? There you are, boys. Would you like to beat a prisoner? We only have one who's pending trial, but we're pretty sure he did it.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, he's not even old enough to wear pants.

[C]

It's a pleasure to meet you, officer. They gave a billy club.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, they're small billy clubs. Don't get me for the little officer. They also got a tour of the Wright brothers factory by Wilbur Wright, because that's where their factory was. So that's fun. Look at them. So they're getting. This is a great time. They had a little bit of trouble in Dayton because they're. They're trotting on their horses and a boy trots runs up beside them and he keeps swearing at them. You.

[C]

Shitty you Oklahoma. Someone should piss on you fucks. You're assholes. You're dipshits.

[Dave Anthony]

And they tell him to stop.

[C]

Shut the fuck up. I'll keep doing what I want. First fucking amendment, you little bitch.

[Dave Anthony]

Shut up. He said they didn't want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, dickhead.

[Dave Anthony]

They want to fight him. They said they didn't want to fight him.

[C]

Oh, fuck you. You fight me, I'll fight you.

[Dave Anthony]

And then he called them yellow bellied you.

[C]

Oh, what? Apparently I don't have the worst mouth.

[Dave Anthony]

Actually, you yellow bellies. Then he grabbed temp's boot and tried to pull him from the saddle.

[C]

I've had diarrheas bigger than you.

[Dave Anthony]

Quote, I gave him one sharp rap on the head with my billy club and he fell to the ground.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're officially a cop.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, Jesus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That billy club came in so handy.

[Dave Anthony]

And then the boy got up and ran away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That moment is just gonna be so awesome.

[Dave Anthony]

These things are great.

[C]

Boy, this is another memory that'll haunt adult me. What a terrible precedent for me. My brain's still forming a lot.

[Dave Anthony]

It's gonna be forming for another 20 years.

[C]

Yeah, if I make it.

[Dave Anthony]

Then after five weeks, they get to D.C. and they go to the Raleigh Hotel where reporters are waiting. One went up to their room with them while they bathed and changed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, I got an issue to talk about. Are you gonna want to guess what it is? It's the reporter who talked to him while they were naked bathing. Well, that's awesome, boys.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm really doing it in a kind of an in depth story. You guys okay by getting the bath with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is actually a podcast called Tubbing with the guest.

[Dave Anthony]

And I'm Uncle Larry, the host.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's called Bath Time with Bubbles, and my name is Bubbles Johnson. Who are your inspirations besides your dad? At some point, an adult says, this isn't okay.

[Dave Anthony]

At some point, Tim asked the reporter for a cigarette.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not. I am not surprised at all.

[C]

Got a smoke? What kind? Yeah, that'll do.

[Dave Anthony]

I go, I feel non filtered. I don't want any of that fucking crap.

[C]

You know, we could get some cocaine. It's dc. Let's get the party going. These are good cigarettes. I'm gonna have them all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you mean?

[C]

Sleep, bitch.

[Dave Anthony]

So the reporter says, no, you can't have a cigarette. And then temp says, quote, oh, come on, I never tried one. Let me have a puff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, okay. That's what he did. Yeah. He's like, all right.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, you make a good case.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I guess your parents have completely abandoned you. One because she passed away, and the other because he stopped caring. There you go. Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

So he takes one big inhale. Quote, I coughed violently. I was dizzy, my eyes burned, and I thought I might throw up any minute. Completely miserable. I lay on the floor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's pretty much my first experience smoking. And I smoked for like 20 years. I was like 11. First time when I was like, jesus, never ever again. All right, I'll do one more.

[Dave Anthony]

And then he said he didn't want to go sightseeing with Bud. But Bud's like, well, I'm going. So he. He got it together.

[C]

All right, I'll try.

[Dave Anthony]

And then they met Taft.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then they what?

[Dave Anthony]

They met Taft. President Taft, after sightseeing for three days.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A bathtub, huh? Why, that's not a bad idea, boys.

[Dave Anthony]

President taft. You're like 40 of me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm going to have you thrown in Guantanamo Bay.

[Dave Anthony]

So they go to the White House, they meet in the Oval Office, they talk for a bit, but, quote, I asked him how the government was doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stay out of my ass and I'll stay out of yours.

[C]

Hey, Taft, got a cigarette? I can't do anything without my coffee. And that.

[Dave Anthony]

In the morning, Taft offered to get them on a cutter to greet Teddy when his ship came into the harbor. And Temp said, quote, that's a bully idea. And then they all laughed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a. Yeah, he's doing a Teddy catchphrase.

[Dave Anthony]

Teddy.

[C]

That's a bully idea.

[Dave Anthony]

That's so funny. It's coming from a five year old who rode a thousand miles across the country. They visited the Senate and House where they were asked to speak. What's the difference? What's the difference? Temp said, quote, I luck. I like the Washington Monument and I like seeing Teddy's African animals and visiting the President. I think this is the finest city in the East. Right? That's. Drop the mic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Well, I still don't think it's a plan for democracy. What I want to do. Oh.

[C]

Ow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just walking around.

[Dave Anthony]

So then they ride from D.C. to New York, and that's just. That's a very populated area. So it's like one big parade. That whole. That whole journey. And people are lighting the streets and they're cheering the whole way and they're walking beside them and they're asking them questions. They're pretty overwhelmed because they're five and nine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's just absolute sensory overload. And it's also super weird for adults to be like, I meet my hero today. He's five, you loser. Oh, boy. What's it like to be so cool, tim?

[C]

You're like 38.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. I have nothing. I have Nothing.

[C]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

At 8pm they arrived in Trenton, New Jersey, and a big crowd greeted them.

[C]

Oh, my God. It's like if Jip water became an area.

[Dave Anthony]

Jack was there waiting for him at the hotel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. What a dad. Hey, boys, you've got a baby sister.

[Dave Anthony]

The next morning, he went ahead in a car, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But, hey, good to see you. Good to see you. Tremp and the other one.

[Dave Anthony]

In Jersey, people line the streets Cheering and they took a ferry from Jersey City with their dad. That's nice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is nice.

[Dave Anthony]

He's there for the glory.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, of course. Yeah. He's like, that was great. Where are you boys gonna go next? You can't come home. I turned your rooms into a gym and an office.

[Dave Anthony]

A huge crowd is waiting for him. In New York City, there's 17 mounted police. The police chief escorts them. Cops have to clear a path through the crowd at the hotel. Just fucking beating people. Get out of the way. There's a five year old coming.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's legends coming, you idiots.

[Dave Anthony]

People took souvenirs. They yanked their hair out of horse. The horses tails, which made the horses jump. Temp got angry and said, quote, the next one to try it is going to get my quirt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

His quirt.

[Dave Anthony]

Quirt. Oh, that's a whip. Yeah, he's gonna whip somebody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I thought that was the sound it made when he was climbing down the horse.

[Dave Anthony]

And then a woman after he said that, reached up and yanked hair out of Temp's head. Gotta get a souvenir.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, gotta get a souvenir. She was listening too. That's cool.

[Dave Anthony]

And then a cop grabbed Temp and put him on his shoulders and walked him into the hotel. Once in the hotel, went down to the basement barber and had all his hair cut off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what's the deal here? We're just done giving any parenting at this point? It's fine.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just like whatever.

[Dave Anthony]

He got them this far.

[C]

I'm gonna get a tattoo on my Geronimo.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm gonna get a spider on my face.

[C]

I'm gonna get a whole spider on my face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's a good idea. Tempo.

[Dave Anthony]

I can't stop you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't get a wolf or I might put my fist through your mouth. We're the best family ever. We're our sisters. You what now? Oh, God. Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no. I put him on a submarine a year ago. Completely forgotten.

[Dave Anthony]

The next morning, the lobby of the hotel is packed outside, a newspaper boy showed them their picture on the front page. And Bud said, quote, I'm sick of seeing my picture in the paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, so he's fucking jaded.

[C]

I'm sick of seeing my face in the paper. Jesus Christ. I can't even get high anymore. Nothing gives me the fix. I'm fully Robert Downey Jr. I can't handle this.

[Dave Anthony]

They're over being celebrities. They told their dad that they'd ridden a car and they begged him to buy one. Go to the Mayor's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where would you want to drive it?

[Dave Anthony]

They go to the mayor's office. There's a ton of reporters waiting for him. They go to a Broadway show, and the singer sings a song about them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To hear that song, oh, God, I would be the worst. We're tipping. But.

[Dave Anthony]

So on the day Teddy arrives, the entire city comes out. They ride with Jack on the cutter to meet his ship. And hundreds of ships are in the harbor. They're blowing their horns and their whistles. One ship does a 21 gun salute, and then another one does a 21 gun salute. And then another one does a 21 gun Salute. So it's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's actually people. There's an enemy flying over, and this is, we're at war. Get down. We are officially at war. We've been attacked.

[Dave Anthony]

Once on land. Teddy gave a speech, and people want him to run for president again, which he does do. But that's like. That's why they're all excited. He greets the boys and Jack, and then they ride their horses in the parade right behind Teddy's carriage and right ahead of the Rough Riders.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

So the parade is five miles long, and there's a million people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. It's insane.

[Dave Anthony]

At one point, someone yelled out, bully for you, Teddy. And then thousands of people start yelling, bully for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How does one person. Nobody was yelling before that. That's a good idea.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. No, no one was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

People are just, like, bullying. What a great. Yeah, buddy. This is hilarious.

[Dave Anthony]

So the plan is to take the train home.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They can't do that. What are they going to do, sit there and play checkers? It's crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, they got the car bug, and they start begging Jack to buy him a car. Buy them a car and let them drive it back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is okay because I think I did mention that as a hypothetical lunatic thing to do.

[Dave Anthony]

There is no legal driving age as of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's a crazy thing, too. There's no legal driving age. Isn't it insinuated that it would be, like, 25? No, no, obviously not. Because it's like, if you can reach.

[Dave Anthony]

The pedals in the wheel, you're good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To go, but they can't.

[Dave Anthony]

Good to go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They also can't do that.

[Dave Anthony]

Jack says there's no car small enough, which is a great reason.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just waiting for how they figure out how to put him in a car.

[Dave Anthony]

So for two days, they are looking all over New York for a car that was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Jack is not like, no, sorry, boys. Tech hasn't caught up with you. He's like, there's no car big enough that we found. We will.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're going to go on Carvana this afternoon and try to figure out what we can get for you.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, for two days they are scouring New York and every car is too big. They're all very large. And then they see a kid driving about Bud's age in a very small car and they run him down.

[C]

Get in, shitheads. It's me. It's you from the future.

[Dave Anthony]

And it is called a Brush automobile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A Brush automobile.

[Dave Anthony]

Brush. And it is much cheaper than most.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cars because it's small and brush, because if your children are in it, they'll be a brush with death.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes. And he shows them the brush, you know, store. And the next day Bud test drives it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Test drives it. So what are you in town for work or pleasure? Just make four lefts and then we'll go back to the dealership.

[Dave Anthony]

30 minutes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't blow the carburetor out.

[Dave Anthony]

30 minutes. And then they. He blew. He blows the carburetor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shut up.

[Dave Anthony]

So for 30 minutes. It's the first time he's ever driven. He drives for 30 minutes and he's like, I got this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a test drive?

[Dave Anthony]

And then Temp drives for 30 minutes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Temp is driving. What is.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I honestly. Look, you have lulled me into the point where Bud driving is. I'm. I'm working with it. I'm going, all right, but ever let this fucking nine year old drive? Temp was never dry. In the version now where I had succumbed to the idea that this was going to happen, Bud is just sitting shotgun the whole time. Or Bud is driving and temp is sitting shotgun.

[Dave Anthony]

That's fair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And now temp is like, cool.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, you gotta be sure just in case something happens to Bud.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think so. I don't agree with you.

[Dave Anthony]

And then Jack buys the car for him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what?

[Dave Anthony]

This is a story about the greatest dad ever.

[C]

Nope.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The worst father of all time.

[Dave Anthony]

If you're a kid, this is the greatest dad that's ever existed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is. Absolutely.

[Dave Anthony]

And that's all that matters.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then you. No, then you're an adult and you start doing therapy and you go, hey, you know what is better than fucking riding a horse from Oklahoma City to New York with my brother? A hug. Hugs are awesome. A gift. Him teaching me stuff. Learning how to shave.

[Dave Anthony]

This is so much better than a hug.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. Yeah, for. Yeah, you. Says you. That makes that track.

[Dave Anthony]

So he buys. Jack buys himself also a luxury Maxwell E30 touring car. So they're gonna drive together. He'll drive behind them. But Jack hired a chauffeur for his car so he could learn how to drive as they went.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jack hired a chauffeur for the Bud Temp car?

[Dave Anthony]

No, for his car.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't fucking believe. Out of the two vehicles, there's two vehicles going. One with literal children and one with a grown ass Wolf fister. And he's hiring a chauffeur. He's like, you know what? Let's play it safe. Let's get a chauffeur for the trip. You're right. Let the kids figure it out as they go. I mean, the show. No, for my car. I'm not. The kids will drive theirs. I like to drink a lot of alcohol, so I'll probably get too canned to do any of the pedals and stuff. Plus, I don't really want to learn. Plus I don't really want to see the kids, so.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, with the chauffeur, he can learn as he goes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The kids know they did it. No, they don't. They did it for like 30 minutes.

[Dave Anthony]

30 minutes. They're good. As they drive out of the city, people are waving and calling their names.

[C]

Goodbye forever. Goodbye forever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Bully.

[Dave Anthony]

Bully.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I cannot fucking believe. No windshield.

[Dave Anthony]

That's what goggles are for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't believe. Temple wheel drive.

[C]

Hey, dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah?

[C]

I don't know if. No, dad.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, yes.

[C]

Yeah, I don't know if t should be driving. He's real little.

[Dave Anthony]

Nah, he's all right.

[C]

Hey, dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah?

[Dave Anthony]

I. Your dad? In love with a lady named Jy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A new mom?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I guess so. I mean, yeah, sure, she's your new mom.

[C]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

I make love to her every night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm the chauffeur. What your dad's trying to say is sometimes he has a crazy way of saying he loves you boys.

[Dave Anthony]

Shut your mouth. You're not here to tell my boys about love. Your to drive. Just shut up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's so glad you two are becoming best friends.

[Dave Anthony]

I will put my fist down your mouth all the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sometimes to get to someone's heart, you have to go a circuitous route. And you boys can draw a map for everything. But you probably can't figure out how to drive of yourself to your souls and figure out who you are. But guess what? If there's one thing we've learned is that love conquers all. And maybe your dad can't say it to you. Cause he, you know, he's drinking so much gin. He just is drinking gin all day. But he loves you boys, and he's so. I'm just trying to make sure you're not gay. No matter what you feel or believe, that's okay with your dad. When your mom died, your parents both left that day.

[Dave Anthony]

Who are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm the President of the United States.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, bully. So the first night, they stop at a hotel, and temp is up for some reason in the Maxwell with his dad. And as they're stopping, he gets out before the car stops.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He rolls out.

[Dave Anthony]

He doesn't realize the car needs to stop, so he gets out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a child.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. And then Bud runs over him because Bud's in the car behind. Not hurt, though, because they're high. Look how high it is. So he just kind of like it's a cartoon. He just gets knocked down and then looks at the car going over him. And then afterwards, Jack lectured him and said, you can't get out of the car before it stops.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you, six? What are you? Literally a child? How many times do I have to tell you?

[Dave Anthony]

Grown adults and temp later said, quote, it was a dumb thing for me to do.

[C]

I fucked up.

[Dave Anthony]

So they drive across New York to Buffalo and then to Cleveland, and they wore goggles on dusty roads in Plainsville, Ohio. Tons of people come out to see him. More people than, quote, the last fire in town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You have got to love the metrics of that city. You know, more people came out for joy than tragedy this last week.

[Dave Anthony]

Every time they went through, people came out. Temp drove sometimes now temp drove even though his legs barely reached the pedals.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's fine. You don't need to be able to have those in your control.

[Dave Anthony]

Right. They drove through Michigan and Illinois and Iowa, and in Missouri, the Maxwell caught on fire. And the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on. Of all the things. I mean, okay, a fire.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, the. The car is on fire.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. Do you think this will stop these two little terminators?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, it's not. They're in the other car, so. No, it won't. That's their dad's car.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, look, their dad's been dead for a while now. Reality's just catching up with the emotional security.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm just letting you drive across the country so I can feel something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boy, he went right up where he.

[C]

Was, full of gin.

[Dave Anthony]

So the dad and the chauffeur put it out using sand. It still drives. So on they went, even though it was, quote, practically Ruined. So they're driving. It's the car from plane strange to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not a. Yeah, they're just driving a Firebird.

[Dave Anthony]

As they neared Oklahoma City, 20 cars came out to greet them and escorted them in. And people packed the sidewalks and streets and family and friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The amount. I mean, we've covered this so much times. The shit that got you out of your house to go green, I mean, it's just like, literally anything happening, you're like, we gotta get on each side of the street and enjoy this. This is the biggest shit we'll see for the month.

[Dave Anthony]

So family and friends are waiting at a hotel for a luncheon. They had driven 23 days, 2,512 miles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That just tells me how long they were riding the horses before. I know, right? Yeah, they might. I mean, they have just been on the road so much.

[Dave Anthony]

Ever. They're invited a ton of places to give speeches.

[C]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You cannot. This fame shit. This is like. I thought this was more of a recent trend where it's like, bring an influencer to give a speech and it's like, yeah, they got nothing to say.

[Dave Anthony]

No, they do, because Jack got them speaking lessons. The brush car company.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, they were like, great. Brush car only for kids.

[Dave Anthony]

They paid for them to go to a car show in New York and sit in a booth and talk about the car. Do you know how much Teddy Roosevelt loved this? He was just like, oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bully, bully, bully, bully.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, we are raising men.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the best country.

[Dave Anthony]

Jack brought the two horses to New York on a train. They've been offered parts in movies and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who? The horses?

[Dave Anthony]

No, the boys and the horses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the horses. You can't get two stand in horses.

[Dave Anthony]

No, you got to have the actual horses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We want to book your actual horses. They're SAG AFTRA eligible, Correct?

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we'll Taft Hartley him. He's standing right here. Consider it signed. That's an industry.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's. So then Jack gets into films, and he hired a cameraman and a director and a writer, and they. They did a reenactment of the journey. They also did a movie about Jack's wolf hunts. So Jack's getting into showbiz a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Our next film is called Avatar.

[Dave Anthony]

And then in July, they were offered the gig of riding an elephant and a donkey to Washington, dc.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Dave, Dave, Dave. David, I've never done this, but I'm gonna have to ask you to. That'll. That'll be pig. That'll be enough. Pig. That'll do. That'll do pig. That'll. I. I just. This has the. Dave. And I'm not kidding, this has to be the last one, because I can't. I can't hear what's. If there's. There can't be anything after this. There just simply can't be. We're already in. They're already human cartoons.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, it's an elephant and a donkey because it's. That's the Democrats and Republicans. It's a race to predict who's going to win the election and people fucking love it. Like, what an amazing idea. There are no pictures of this. I could not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you know why? Because both just meandered in useless directions and didn't get anywhere. They just walked around sniffing each other's asses forever.

[Dave Anthony]

Now, weirdly enough, elephants aren't made to ride hundreds of miles. So when they got to Philly, the elephant's feet were too sore and the Humane Society made them stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is out of everything that might be the craziest thing in this story. The Humane Society existed and stopped them.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. So now the owners of Luna park, which is a amusement park, issued a challenge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ride the elephant all the way for.

[Dave Anthony]

The boy, the boys to ride horses to San Francisco in 60 days.

[C]

Why are you putting a tie?

[Gareth Reynolds]

They.

[C]

We have forgotten their ages.

[Dave Anthony]

And if they made it in 60 days, they would get $10,000.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So fucked up. What is Jack? Where's Jack?

[Dave Anthony]

They could take Sundays off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sundays are off, okay?

[Dave Anthony]

And they could never eat or sleep under a roof.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't believe the last rule. We're trying to kill them. We don't want to give them the money. These kids better die. We don't have the ten grand. We do not have it. We are rooting for these children to pass away. No food, period. How about that? No food. Just water from that river that gave them the squirts.

[Dave Anthony]

And they can only change horses once, so they.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If your horse dies twice, you die with it. Do you understand, boys?

[Dave Anthony]

So they agree to it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you seen Squid Game?

[Dave Anthony]

This is Squid Kid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is Squirt Game.

[Dave Anthony]

So they agree and.

[C]

Yeah, we'll take the deal?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, yeah.

[C]

Yeah, we'll do it. Oh, fuck. I'll write alimony checks for the next two months. Get ahead of those.

[Dave Anthony]

I guess it's more. Jack agreed to it, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

I guess Jack is the one who agreed to it. But whatever. I mean, they had to say yes, but Jack is the guy who has to legally agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think law is entering the conversation anymore. Anywhere. They just had to get off of an elephant because of its feet hurting. Remember that?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

So thousands watch them leave. This is a big deal.

[C]

Goodbye forever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Remember, no roofs, so they have to.

[Dave Anthony]

Travel 60 miles a day to make it. Shocking. And this time, they took better care of the horses. They would go to a blacksmith every night and get the horseshoes checked out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You boys want to stay inside?

[C]

No, sir. We're about to make ten grand for our crazy dad.

[Dave Anthony]

Now, Wiley, the horse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, the horse.

[Dave Anthony]

He slept on his back with his legs up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why not? Yep. At this point, why not?

[Dave Anthony]

At a store in Toledo, they had a table with a meal waiting for them on the street because they couldn't eat inside, so they.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A table on a mule.

[Dave Anthony]

So these people put a table on the street and then a crowd stood around and watched them eat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look at him eat. He chews just like us.

[Dave Anthony]

Do you need me to cut that for you?

[C]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

Jack would meet them in three cities across the country. He's driving.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a good dad.

[Dave Anthony]

They would sleep in haystacks to keep warm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is actual punishment. The only reason we can laugh is because of the time we know that this is over. If this was in the paper, we'd be like, gee, what the actual.

[C]

If this happened, like, in the last.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Week, we'd be like, there's not any comedy here.

[Dave Anthony]

This could 100% be a reality show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That. That doesn't mean it's okay. That is not our metric for acceptability anymore.

[Dave Anthony]

Disagree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, that's fine. Tlc. Two boys dying Thursdays after what the fuck?

[Dave Anthony]

She's fat, can't you see?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Followed by xenophobic wives. On an all new I Ate My.

[Dave Anthony]

House, Can't you see? A reality show in which five families compete for citizenship and Dave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And if it's two real stop.

[Dave Anthony]

And if they lose, they go. I'm sorry, Gonzalez family. Pack your suitcase. You're going back to Mexico. And then one family 100% going to happen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Welcome to citizenship. You've beaten all the others, and you've done an incredible job. You are not bad hombres. You're good hombres. Even the lady hombre. There's a term for it, but I can't remember what it is right now. On an all new the White House.

[Dave Anthony]

So at a store in Toledo, followed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By an all new comedy is back. Yeah, we finally brought it back, man. It's back for real this time. I'm 80. Ketamine. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

In Cheyenne, Sam Bass ate a bunch of alfalfa, then foundered and died.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait who did?

[Dave Anthony]

Sam Bass. The. The. The main horse. The horse from the start of the story who chased the wolf.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So we were only. We're down one. And we're only allowed one replacement horse total.

[Dave Anthony]

Each.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Each is allowed one. Okay, good. So it's a shame the other one sleeps like it's dead every night. It's probably very confusing and upsetting.

[Dave Anthony]

So these children, well, they're very upset about Sam Bass because that's their dad's horse. And. But they bought a new horse and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They named your dad. At this point, I'd be like, good. Fuck dad's horse.

[Dave Anthony]

They named the new horse Big Black.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Move on.

[Dave Anthony]

That slowed them down a lot. So they're off. They're off pace. In Laramie, they were shopping for groceries. Quote, the grocer told us that a whole family had been murdered by a man with an axe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How's your day? How old are you boys? Should you be shopping in here? Oh, a whole family was killed by an axe guy a few days ago. Just the twizzlers and milk.

[Dave Anthony]

They had to cross the Rocky Mountains.

[C]

What the fuck?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Driving through it is hell.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes. Today it's bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Today it's bad. Back then they're like, well, goodbye forever, brother.

[Dave Anthony]

They were delayed by three days by rain. So they're really getting behind. They cross the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're really getting behind.

[Dave Anthony]

They cross the Great Salt Lake Desert.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just. They're alone. You've lulled us into accepting this, but this out of context is just a death march.

[Dave Anthony]

The weight of the horses would crack the salt crust, and there was mud underneath.

[C]

I tru.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cannot believe the trauma bonding that's happening right now. And everyone under 30 is like.

[Dave Anthony]

They were also disgusting smelling mud holes that they avoided. They followed a wagon trail and drank less of their water while crossing the desert.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Children.

[Dave Anthony]

It was so hot that. It was so hot that temp fell asleep on the horse as he walked and rode for miles. Not falling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

These kids are so like, a doctor at some point needs to be inspecting them. The damage going on right now, it's great. Incalculable.

[Dave Anthony]

They rode into the night and estimated they had traveled 110 miles that day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they're making up time for $10,000.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And their children.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. When they woke in the morning, the horses were gone. Bud had forgotten to tie their legs together so they wouldn't run off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, everything's bad. Dave, tie their legs together. I mean, the horses are like, fuck this. No, we're out. All right, well, they could get one Replacement at this point.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, this is when they realized they could. No, they're in the middle of the desert. There's no horses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry. I'm very used to them making it work.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, there's nothing around. They're out in the middle of the desert.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So this is where the boys die and the humor stops.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, this is when they first realized they could actually die on the trip. Cause it's a hot desert and they have no way to get anywhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's how I felt every moment of this.

[Dave Anthony]

And they're almost out of food and water.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Death. No, they are children. Yeah, you remember that part? Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're children.

[Dave Anthony]

So they searched for the horses for a day, and they didn't find them. And they drank the last of their water. And the next day they searched again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a story of death.

[Dave Anthony]

And in the afternoon, Temp became so exhausted, he just came back to camp and laid down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's gonna blow his carburetor out if he's not careful.

[Dave Anthony]

That is the third morning Temp couldn't move.

[C]

I think I'm gonna have to eat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Temp.

[Dave Anthony]

And Bud checked on him, but Temp could only stare.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's bad.

[Dave Anthony]

And then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. A horse.

[Dave Anthony]

Bud went back out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

And near the end of the day, he came back riding Wiley Haines. Not the horse. The deputy. No. The fuck is going on?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Knife on his throat. Okay, Tim, chill out.

[C]

Tim, now relax, okay? Shut up.

[Dave Anthony]

No, the. So he comes back on the horse. He found the horse. And then they ride double. And they come to a hill. And on the other side of the hill is the town of Kelton. And that's where they find Big Black, who had ridden in way ahead of them to get.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I knew. I forgot.

[Dave Anthony]

It was just like. Yeah, no, I'm gonna be over there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, you should come here. They have a lot more than the desert. That was the worst place for us to go. I don't think I believe in you.

[Dave Anthony]

So there they buying. Can. They buy canned food. And they take off again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just the oysters. You know, a guy murdered a bunch of people with a sword last night. Just the taffy oysters and chocolate milk. We have two locations.

[Dave Anthony]

At one point, some men on a train offered to give them a ride and not tell anyone. But they said they couldn't do it because they'd know themselves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. That is principled for.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, well, their dad raised them right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, he didn't. He didn't raise them at all. Did not even raise them.

[Dave Anthony]

But there's no Way they're going to make it in time. Now in Reno, they meet some girls who are their age and they say they're going over the Sierra Nevadas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who are girls who are their age. So 10 year olds, but they are girls.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, literally girls.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I know.

[Dave Anthony]

They're probably skipping rope or whatever, as, you know, kids will do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he's just like, you girls want.

[C]

To get fucking crazy. You ever done heroin on a horse's back?

[Dave Anthony]

And they tell the girls where they're going, and the girls tell them how Donner Pass got its name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about this? Could someone read them a fucking story? These are children. Someone do Snow White.

[C]

Oh, that way. Well, that's the way where the people ate the other people they were related to. See ya.

[Dave Anthony]

So now they're worried about a snowstorm going over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's so funny to hear a story about cannibalism and be like, yeah, it could snow.

[Dave Anthony]

And it's the exact same time of year. The Donner party.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cannibalism is also seasonal. Let me walk you through the five day. Here's what we have. Monday, Tuesday, looking great. Wednesday, Thursday, bit of a cold front this weekend. It looks like there might be some cannibalism. So if you're gonna go out and get some stuff, favor the earlier part of the week. We're looking for a little bit more cannibalism. Monday, next week should clear up. Tuesday, Wednesday, and next weekend we should have a real clear, crispy Memorial Day for everybody. More later. And that's from the Donner Doppel. Like you can't do it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's all right. And so they went and snow hit and they ate each other. No, there was no snow. It was totally uneventful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Be so great. Ate each other is the best way, too.

[Dave Anthony]

And that was it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One didn't eat the other. No, they choose to eat each other at the same time. They both went foot first.

[Dave Anthony]

So they head over the mountains, they arrive in Oakland, they take a ferry to San Francisco. Huge crowd waiting, as is Jack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You fucking losers.

[Dave Anthony]

He congratulated them, but they said they weren't done. And they rode through Golden Gate park all the way to the ocean, as they were supposed to. And Bud rode Big Black into the waves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What, he point breaked? Yeah, he's point broken.

[Dave Anthony]

And then Temp did the same. And he rode Wiley into the waves. A little too far. And Wiley got into the undertow and he was trying to kick, but he's a horse trying to get his footing. And then he went down and Tim Thought they were gonna die. But he managed to stay on the saddle and somehow Wiley managed to right himself and struggle back to the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then it's clapping. You're only clapping because it just got so normalized. Think of what just happened. You're now clapping because a 6 year old didn't drown his horse in the ocean. And you're like that. Well, a happy ending's important. No, no. Is it ever? No.

[Dave Anthony]

It's very happy. It's a happy ending. A lot of people are nodding. With me. It was a very happy ending.

[Gareth Reynolds]

People are nodding now.

[Dave Anthony]

They're not getting the prize. They're not getting the prize money. But you know what? They fucking did it. They did it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So does the prize money. There's a guy over there who just goes, yeah, yeah, they did do it.

[Dave Anthony]

In 1913, a motorcycle company paid them to ride from Oklahoma to New York City. Well, at that point, Tep is nine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't. I literally. I can't. I can't anymore. What is next?

[Dave Anthony]

I'm sad to report that was the last of their trips.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, thank God. Stop.

[C]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

They would grow up and Jack became an oilman and did very well. Bud grew up and became a lawyer and then a district attorney and then a judge, and he died in 1979.

[Gareth Reynolds]

79.

[Dave Anthony]

Temp worked in the oil business and died in 1986.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? How old are they? They were older.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, but 86.

[Gareth Reynolds]

86. Blew her mind.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. She blew her mind. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was under the impression they were immortal beings. Temp wasn't allowed to die.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is fucking bonkers.

[Dave Anthony]

What do you mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everything that's.

[Dave Anthony]

It's. A couple of kids, they went out and did a thing. It's a big deal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I cannot honestly process what has just taken place.

[Dave Anthony]

Some kids went on a trip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shut the fuck up. What are the resources, CS Lewis?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, one is Alda Abernathy budded me. The True Adventures of the Abernathy Boys. And then budded me.com and haggerty.com Abernathy Boys became a legend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy shocking. Shocking. What are you. When we put this out, is the title going to be the worst father of all time?

[Dave Anthony]

No, my dad is not. This isn't about my dad. This is about another dad. Why would. Why would I all of a sudden put the title of my dad on this story?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're.

[Dave Anthony]

This is rad, dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is one of those things where it's just like.

[Dave Anthony]

It.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It really. It just. It should. It should. And I'm not trying to be rude or, like, shitty or dark, but this should. This should have never been an episode. This literally should have been the story about a dad getting arrested for parental malpractice and who just let his kids fucking die. I mean, the fact that they made it is un. Believable.

[Dave Anthony]

It's crazy to do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And now kids can't eat peanuts.

[Dave Anthony]

It's crazy to do a podcast with someone who hates adventure. You know what I mean? Like, he doesn't enjoy the spirit of adventure. The American spirit. He doesn't enjoy the American spirit.

[C]

Why is this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why is this. Why is this.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, don't blow a carburetor. Just calm down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why has this not been a movie? Has this ever been turned in anything?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, because it's fucking insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Exactly. This should be like, Hulu should pick this up right away. Hilarious.

[Dave Anthony]

True. It should be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, that is. That story is absolutely fucking crazy. The reason why it shouldn't be a story is, like, they shouldn't turn into anything. Because if I saw this as a kid, I would have absolutely left home. Yeah, I would have absolutely left home. Smoking heaters just on a dirt bike. Like, people like, where are you from?

[C]

Be like, brand new Wisconsin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, what's on your chin?

[C]

I'm growing a goat.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The fact that they died from being old, they. It had to be like, they probably. They were chasing that dragon forever too.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. It probably never went away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The.

[Dave Anthony]

The. The lawyer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, one of them is a lawyer, like, looking out the window and they're like, did you hear me about the details of the night in question? He's like, sorry, I was just thinking about the time we couldn't take the elephant all the way to dc. Sorry, what? Nothing. My brother and I, when we were 6 and 9, tried to ride an elephant and a donkey from New York all the way. I could still hear Tiny. Now, where was your dad? My what? Oh, I didn't have one of those. I never happened.

[Dave Anthony]

They love their dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep, I'm sure they did. All right, guys, thanks a lot for coming out. Appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hey, Dollop fans. I know you love the Dollop. You love listening to the Dollop. Do you want to watch the Dollop? You're like, gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode I can't remember of the rube. You can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the rube. It. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube. What's up, winners? My name is Jeremy Elder. This is Hunter Sailing.

[Dave Anthony]

And I'm Corey Peter Lane. You are listening to the business casual podcast, Suspicious Casual Show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's how we decided the name.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a new idea that I have every week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Each one of us will bring a brand new segment to the podcast. Whether that be a game, whether that be trivia, a character, a deep dive.

[Dave Anthony]

Or whatever else we want to bring to the table. And it's fun. We promise it's fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Um, did somebody say liberal Joe Rogan?

[Dave Anthony]

I didn't. You can listen to the business casual show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Also, we're on YouTube. Ever heard of it?

[Dave Anthony]

Tariffs have been increased for white men with podcasting equipment and we are willing to pay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are releasing this show every Monday. Produced by atc, all things comedy.