693 - Juan Cortina - Live

Summary

Podcast Summary: Episode 693 - Juan Cortina - Live

Title: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Hosts: Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Eduardo Espanitos
Release Date: July 22, 2025

---

Introduction to Juan Cortina and His Legacy

In this episode of The Dollop, comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds delve into the tumultuous life of Juan Cortina, a prominent figure in Texas-Mexico history. Joined by guest Eduardo Espanitos, the trio explores Cortina's impact on both sides of the Rio Grande.

Notable Quote:

• Dave Anthony (00:00): "You're listening to the Dollop. This is an American history podcast..."

---

Early Life and Family Background

Juan Cortina was born on May 16, 1824, in an adobe and rock house in Camargo, Tamaulipas, Mexico, to Trinidad Cortina and Estefana Garcia Cocchia. Coming from a wealthy cattle ranching family, Cortina's early years were marked by raids and conflicts that shaped his future endeavors.

Notable Quote:

• Dave Anthony (03:10): "He is from a little podcast called El Dollop... stole our idea and made it huge in Mexico."

---

Rising Tensions and Early Conflicts

As a teenager, Cortina witnessed numerous assaults by Comanche warriors, fostering his deep-seated animosity towards Native Americans. His early adulthood saw him join the Guardia Nacional de Tamaulipas, where he rose to the rank of corporal. However, his personal life was equally tumultuous, involving multiple romantic entanglements and strained family relationships.

Notable Quote:

• Gareth Reynolds (04:02): "Juan hates Native Americans. So can I just say, welcome to America, buddy."

---

Cortina's Role in Local Politics and Personal Vendettas

Cortina's involvement in local politics was marred by personal conflicts, notably with his former friend Adolphus Glavacki. Accusations of cattle stealing and mismanagement of family estates escalated their rivalry, leading to Cortina being indicted for attempted murder and cattle rustling.

Notable Quote:

• Dave Anthony (34:23): "The one Juan came to hate the most was his ex-friend, Adolphus Glavacki."

---

Formation of Cortinistas and Escalation to Armed Conflict

By 1859, Juan Cortina had amassed a force of 70 men, known as the Cortinistas, who actively sought to defend Mexican land rights and retaliate against perceived injustices. Their actions sparked fear among Anglo settlers, leading to heightened tensions and retaliatory measures from various factions, including the Brownsville Tigers militia.

Notable Quote:

• Dave Anthony (52:31): "Juan Cortina and 70 men crossed the Rio Grande... entered Brownsville shouting, 'Viva Chino Cortina.'"

---

Climactic Battles and Aftermath

The confrontations between Cortinistas and American militias culminated in several failed attacks due to logistical issues, such as malfunctioning weaponry and insufficient manpower. Despite initial victories, Cortina's forces were eventually overwhelmed by the combined might of the U.S. army and Mexican military support, leading to significant losses on both sides.

Notable Quote:

• Dave Anthony (75:56): "So they're running across the border going, 'Go Chink.' What the fuck's happening right now?"

---

Legacy and Conclusion

Juan Cortina's relentless pursuit of justice for Mexican Texans left an indelible mark on the region's history. While his guerrilla tactics ultimately could not secure lasting victories, his efforts highlighted the complexities of border politics and ethnic tensions in 19th-century Texas.

Notable Quote:

• Dave Anthony (105:25): "All the immigrants into Texas are Texians Tejanos."

---

Closing Remarks

The episode wraps up with reflections on the enduring impact of Juan Cortina's struggles and the ongoing relevance of his story in understanding the cultural and political dynamics of the Texas-Mexico border.

Notable Quote:

• Gareth Reynolds (112:02): "Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Gracias."

---

Disclaimer: This summary captures the key historical discussions from the podcast. However, parts of the transcript contain offensive language and stereotypes used in a comedic context by the hosts and guest. Listener discretion is advised.

Transcript

[Dave Anthony]

You're listening to the Dollop. This is an American history podcast where each week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to a son of a bitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, hey. He's just mad because I'm a local, y'. All. Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Now, wait a minute. There's a third chair.

[Dave Anthony]

There's a third chair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, we got a guest.

[Dave Anthony]

It's the guy that I had hold my soap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's soap boy.

[Dave Anthony]

Do you want me to introduce him?

[Eduardo]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We could do it together. You want to do it together?

[Dave Anthony]

He is from a little podcast called El Dollop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, that's right. He stole our idea and made it huge in Mexico, which is what they've always been doing. Hello.

[Eduardo]

How's it going?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How are you doing, Eduardo? Thank you for being great.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, enjoy. The hands are still kind of slippery from holding all that soap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, now you're lubed up. Oh, wait, I got to tell one story. So the guy who's helping us tonight. Yeah, City was like, when we were in the elevator, he was like, my wife, when she heard the Dollop was coming, was really excited. I was like, oh, that's really nice. And he's like, but I guess it's a different show. They spell it D O L U P. I was like, what?

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, there's one, and it's like a drag podcast. And she was, like, really excited. And then he's like, so what's yours history? I was like, yeah, but it's like, I wear pink hats sometimes, so it's totally like, we're fluid.

[Eduardo]

I mean, that is Texas drag.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah. This is completely. It's like, hey, yeah, I'm going out as a lady tonight.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, when you put it in to the search engine, it's like, no, you mean the Dollop, Our show? D O. No. Yeah. It's literally like, you don't mean what you're saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's good.

[Dave Anthony]

And then I put in do look, and it says, I am a gamer, and I'm mostly caught up in school, so I don't post that often.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hit that kid up. Let's see what he's up to. That's awesome. Let's follow that thread a little bit. Dave, start talking to this kid.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm a gamer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a gamer.

[Dave Anthony]

I am, by the way, school.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I don't post 100% fishing for old weird dudes.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, well, he got one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure fucking did. Without question.

[Dave Anthony]

How you doing, little dollar fella? What games you like? I like Par. Cheesy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And she said, you know, sometimes. Sometimes love can be a game. Just talk to my ex wife, Shelly. Why don't you read the goddamn thing?

[Eduardo]

Is your hat on too tight? Like what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, always the opposite. Loose.

[Eduardo]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can't come to Texas and tell us how to do stuff, Eduardo.

[Eduardo]

I am sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. All right. Lo siento. By the way, I burned banyo in. Lo siento. That's it. I got nothing else.

[Dave Anthony]

May 16, 1824. Juan Cortina.

[Eduardo]

I think it's called Juan Cortina. I think that's the right way to say this podcast going to be a nightmare. I mean, you can. You can say John Curtin. That's what it means.

[Gareth Reynolds]

John Curtain is awesome.

[Dave Anthony]

Was born in an adobe and rock house in Camargo, Tamale, Mexico.

[Eduardo]

All right. There's a Camargo in Chihuahua where I'm from. I don't know if it's the same one. I don't think so, but, yeah, I think it.

[Dave Anthony]

He was born to Trinidad Cortina Estefana Garcia Cocchia.

[Eduardo]

What the fuck did you try to say?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, look, I can't. I mean, to me, it looks like if I was to. If I was to translate this, it would be goose, Goose cocoa. They were a wealthy cattle ranching family, and the family's land Grant was over 260,000 acres.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Fucking, that's a lot. Yeah. And how many acres is that in today?

[Dave Anthony]

7.

[Eduardo]

I think it's like 500,000 now. Yeah. Inflation is out of control.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's doubled at least.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So his dad was an Alkaid of a Mech of a town in Mexico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was a what?

[Dave Anthony]

Alkaid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Alky. Like your dad.

[Eduardo]

I called Alcalde. That's just. He was the mayor.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You.

[Dave Anthony]

How'd you say it?

[Eduardo]

Alcalde.

[Dave Anthony]

That's fucking bullshit. He's a mayor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was the actual mayor.

[Dave Anthony]

He's the mayor of his town. And his mom was considered a very cultured woman, and she had a bunch of half siblings. And after three years, they moved to Matamoros, which is just across the border from Brownsville, Texas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Eduardo]

I think. I think it's pronounced Matamoros, but it's fine.

[Dave Anthony]

Met the mothers. So the years he grew up there, there was a lot going on. This is just. Just before he was born. Mexico gained its independence. Congratulations.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Some of us are wooing.

[Dave Anthony]

The first few years of his life, there were many horrible raids by Native Americans. And when he was 12, Comanche warriors attacked ranches near Matamoros, killing people and taking livestock. So Juan hates Native Americans. So can I just say, welcome to America, buddy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

Was he given his green card, like, right then and there?

[Dave Anthony]

When he was a teen, nearby towns and villages revolted against the Mexican government. When he was around 18, 200 Texas raided across the Rio Grande in retaliation for Mexican Mexicans attacking San Antonio. So fucking think about that. I don't know. And the Texans were defeated.

[Eduardo]

I didn't do anything. I'm just tonight's DEI hire. I don't know what.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're not paying you.

[Eduardo]

That tracks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're just dei.

[Dave Anthony]

And Juan watched as people cheered in a Matamoros defeat and as the defeated Texans were marched through the streets. That's probably don't read about that in your Texas history books, do you not?

[Eduardo]

So they're all about the Alamo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're not laughing very hard at that stuff. Still not over it.

[Dave Anthony]

Now, a local Irish merchant said Juan was a, quote, bold and daring fellow who spent time working with horses and. And as a guide for travelers. And he and his vaquero friends spent time out on the prairies and in the chaparral, and they went to fandangos and they drank and they gambled and they danced and they got into fights.

[Eduardo]

I mean, what else were you going to do?

[Dave Anthony]

I know, right? That's like. Yeah, that's the whole thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Go see movies. Fandango.

[Dave Anthony]

As a young man, everyone knew you did not fuck with Juan. Quote, the man who crossed Cortina, courted trouble and danger. He's a bad boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like you on Twitter.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[Eduardo]

Oh, was he just blocking people?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He just blocks people. That people would message, whoever his friends are and be like, hey, can you ask Juan to unblock me?

[Eduardo]

Like, no, you know what you did?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

He dressed well. The ladies were very into him. Everyone liked Juan. He had charisma. He was five, six, very. So really tall.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Very good looking. He had green eyes and a beard. Not educated. And as an adult, did not know how to read or write. So fucking catch.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, that also tracks.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Hot and dumb.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

At 20, he joined the Guardia Nacional D. Tamaulapis.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead, Let him struggle. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

They're bad boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are they all about?

[Dave Anthony]

It's an army of some sort.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

And he rose to the rank of corporal. And around this time, he seduced an older widow with three kids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He seduced an old widow with three kids?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Fuck you.

[Eduardo]

So he took Three kids to the widow. And she was seduced by that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's right.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, what do you think of these three kids?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I know. I mean, have you never learned him so fast in that?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, you get a widow, you show her three kids, she comes in, and then he's banging away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

It's called hot sex. You guys don't know how to set a trap. His parents were super not into it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Into what? The seduction.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, being with. With being with the older widow. They didn't like that. They wanted him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How old is the widow? A widow?

[Dave Anthony]

She's. She's like 30. Ish. And he's like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's fucking hilarious that we're like, what an old bag. She's 31. Yeah. Yeeky.

[Dave Anthony]

And then he married his cousin when he was 21, and she was 16.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fuck me.

[Dave Anthony]

That's fucking hot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't know. I didn't know Mexico had an Arkansas.

[Eduardo]

We have, like, three.

[Dave Anthony]

But then he abandoned his cousin, which really upset his mom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a crazy thing.

[Eduardo]

Yeah. That's a horrible family reunion.

[Dave Anthony]

That is an awkward family reunion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How dare you divorce your cousin?

[Dave Anthony]

She's right over there. But he does keep banging the widow. And then they had a kid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, nice.

[Dave Anthony]

He would actually end up marrying the MILF in, like, four years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You mean the widow. You just turned her into a milf.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, he would actually end up marrying the widow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Hey, buddy, try to keep it focused a little bit.

[Eduardo]

I mean, she already had three kids, right?

[Dave Anthony]

By definition, she's a milf. He wants to fuck her. She has three kids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Keep it in your pants.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he ended up jacking off to the MILF picture after the show. I mean, he ended up. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Dave Anthony]

Juan built a ranch called San Jose, about 10 miles from Brownsville. And the Republic of Texas became part of the US in 1846. And then Mexico broke off diplomatic relations.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've done so much for you. So much.

[Eduardo]

We still let you make tacos. That's fine.

[Dave Anthony]

You try to take that away from us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And we made Taco Bell and Del Taco for you. You're welcome.

[Dave Anthony]

Do you have a Taco Bell in Mexico?

[Eduardo]

They tried to go and, like, set up a few in Mexico City, and they. They were just ran out of town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. So they had to make a run for the border. The irony.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's so great. Oh, that's so fucking good.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is great.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you want to have a Dorito? Taco with hella sauce. Get the fuck out of here.

[Dave Anthony]

Are you interested in a beef taco?

[Eduardo]

No, senor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

English.

[Dave Anthony]

That'd be a great movie. Actually, when Taco Bell tried to come.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To Mexico City, that would be great.

[Dave Anthony]

So the US Claimed the Mexico border was at the Rio Grande, while Mexico said it was Rio Nueces.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, there's actually, where I'm from, there's, like, right by El Paso, Texas. We have a couple of parks that are, like, in a. Where the river used to be, because it moved, so we gained, like.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, you got property.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, the river moved.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, like the. The. I mean, it was. It had water back then. Crazy times.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So a river with water.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, I know, it's weird. So the riverbed sort of moved after a flood. So they were fighting over the, like, a strip of land, and we kept it.

[Dave Anthony]

Congratulations. That's awesome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, security, everyone who clapped let them. Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

At the time, what we're talking about, this giant swath of land is disputed, but the main area we're talking about is the little red slashes between the.

[Eduardo]

Nueces river and the Nueces means nuts, by the way.

[Dave Anthony]

It means what?

[Eduardo]

Nuts. So they're fighting over the nuts strip, which is like the landing strip, but for a guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

It'S the.

[Eduardo]

Yeah. Oh, look, it's the Gulf of Mexico. That's not even there anymore. Miss it, Eh, it's fine.

[Dave Anthony]

SARS bitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the American Canal.

[Eduardo]

Well, at least we don't have Taco Bell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait a minute.

[Dave Anthony]

I like it. So the US army is sent to the Rio Grande, and a Mexican army is sent also there. And Juan said patriotism caused him to, quote, take up arms and to fight against the invaders, the Mexicans. He's in that area. So he was used as a scout by the Mexican army, and he took part in fighting and was a combat veteran when he was just 21.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, wait.

[Eduardo]

Now I'm confused. Are you sure Cortina or Curtin was his last name or that was just his attire? Because.

[Dave Anthony]

Do you want to know his full name? I didn't want to have to do this, because it's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is going to be an assault on Spanish.

[Eduardo]

We are about to witness a hate crime.

[Dave Anthony]

Juan Nepo Masseno Cortina Garcia Coche.

[Eduardo]

Juano Cortina. What the. Was the last.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave? That's just a MILF picture.

[Eduardo]

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, I get why he keeps it around. Yeah, there we go.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, whatever. Yeah, what he said. Yeah, but he's called Cortina in history books. Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Eduardo]

Yeah. Just find Cortina, because it's really complicated.

[Dave Anthony]

Everyone's like, I'll give you that one.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, that one's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

The Mexican army is defeated and the US marched into Matamoros in May, 1846. So Juan's humiliated by this. His property falls into the hands of the enemy, and the army sets up a supply. A supply base at his childhood home.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's fucked.

[Eduardo]

Oh, wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Juan lived a nomad life at this point. He was wandering and fighting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wandering.

[Eduardo]

Yeah. Now you can mute him.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he was wandering and fighting. Isolated.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I just did it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You see?

[Eduardo]

It feels good, right?

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Eduardo]

I haven't seen you smiling in years like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He liked it. Look at him. He liked it.

[Dave Anthony]

And he is fighting isolated American units and, quote, fleeing, okay? Now, Mexico City falls to the Americans in 1847. Boo. Yeah. The dead, by the way.

[Eduardo]

Right now, Mexico City has also fallen to the Americans.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're just moving in a different way.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, they're just moving there and taking the spice out of life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. We're just walking around being like, do you have ranch dressing? I'd rather a war. What's the WI fi? Give a QR code? I don't like a sticky menu.

[Eduardo]

Oh, God.

[Dave Anthony]

Tell about the Karen story.

[Eduardo]

About what?

[Dave Anthony]

The woman who. With the parking.

[Eduardo]

All right, so there's this place, like, in Southern Mexico, and this Mexican guy just parked in front of a house, you know, by the curb. Because the curb is public property.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Parked.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

So he just parked there, and this American lady, this expat, you know, quotes, comes out, and she's upset, and she calls the cops on the Mexican guy to have his car removed. And then she's upset because the cop is not speaking English. And the cop is like, que?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's not. Okay. Speak English. Do you know where you are?

[Eduardo]

Pinch of you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where's that Taco Bell.

[Eduardo]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, fuck. We're good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are the best.

[Eduardo]

Yeah. By the way, in Mexico, we call them Karen. Not Karen. It's Karen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's way better. Karen.

[Eduardo]

Or we call her, you know, pincha Vieja, but that's a different thing. Yeah, they get it. They have Mexicans and Houstons. Right? Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

It's sad. We're gonna have to invade you guys again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So Mexico City falls. The Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo is signed, and Juan cursed and raided Guadalupe Hidalgo.

[Eduardo]

I'm sorry. It's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just.

[Eduardo]

I. I don't want to do this, but it just hurts.

[Dave Anthony]

It's why you're here.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, I get.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. But you're wrong. Juan curse and ridiculed it, feeling it was humiliating for Mexico. And he returned to his mother's land and his ranch. But his land is now.

[Eduardo]

He just went back to cried in his mansion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. He just went back to ha. Like a quarter of a million acres. He was like, but they keep taking from me.

[Dave Anthony]

So his land's now in the US and he's living amongst the enemy that he hates. So he gets a job working for a contractor at Fort Brown. So now he's helping the army that he fought against. And he would help wagons trains going north. And the first one was 75 wagons. And Juan was put in charge of it. And a little way through, he gets into an argument with the wagon master.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no, but you don't want to fuck with that guy.

[Eduardo]

No, he's the master of wagons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

But he doesn't understand a lot of English. And when his boss arrives.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sounds like a caron.

[Eduardo]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

When his boss arrives, Juan was quote aside the wagon master and choking him.

[Eduardo]

I mean, that's really the universal language.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Choking the wagon master. You must listen to my wagon. Shut up.

[Dave Anthony]

The man's face was black and his tongue was protruding from his mouth. He was almost dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, shit.

[Eduardo]

Did not get fired, though, because Mexicans are awesome workers. That's because Mexicans are great workers. And even if we try to kill our masters, they still employ us. By the way, sorry about dropping the soap earlier.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, you do a good job. What am I going to do? Sometimes you kill me.

[Eduardo]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

Happens. Very next job, hurting some mules. He gets into another argument and ended.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Up the mule daddy.

[Dave Anthony]

And he. And he kind of had a strike. He took a bunch of Mexican herders with him and they all walked off the job.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wow.

[Dave Anthony]

But his boss still complimented him. Complimented him and said he had been faithful and effective. Next, he finds work with a guy, Kentuckian, to buy and drive 80 mules north to Kentucky.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that a distance?

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Yeah, you won't go about 80, 85 mules north. Take a ride. Go five mules.

[Eduardo]

I mean, you guys will use anything but the metric system. I don't get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because it's better. You. You people should be switching. Come on. It's obvious.

[Dave Anthony]

It's about 14 Taco Bell South.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It is so funny that we came up with it. We probably were like, everyone will come around. Everyone's like, no, it's fucking dumb.

[Eduardo]

Well, no, we can't come around because we don't know how long we have to go around because the fucking distance is measured in mules.

[Dave Anthony]

It makes sense if numbers don't matter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Love of God, stop fighting it. We're right. We came up with a better one.

[Eduardo]

I mean, leave it to the country with, like, the worst math scores ever.

[Dave Anthony]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're just. We got rid of the Department of Education to get those up, first of all.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You ain't seen something yet.

[Dave Anthony]

What matters is what Jesus thinks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He hated education.

[Eduardo]

Crazy town. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's.

[Dave Anthony]

What's the circumference of a circle? Whatever Jesus wants it to be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Boom.

[Dave Anthony]

Think about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Put that in your calcitator. Try that, Mats.

[Dave Anthony]

So just days into this drive, the Kentuckian is found dead. And some people said Juan had killed him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think he did.

[Eduardo]

I mean, they were just trying to talk and got out of hand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

His very. Juan's very close friend Adolphus Glavacki sure. Said Juan took the mules and sold them to the army. So now Juan is indicted in Brownsville, but he's never apprehended.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. And he's got a. He likes making money, obviously. And he's okay with killing.

[Dave Anthony]

It seems like months later, Juan is. Two of his friends are accused of robbing a wagon train and then stealing some sheep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A wagon train?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, a train of wagons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

And then stealing some sheep. A lot of people are wrestling at this point in the area after the war. And Brownsville is an awesome spot to bring goods in by ship and then smuggle them into Mexico without paying a tax.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Eduardo]

That still happens, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You said wrestling.

[Dave Anthony]

Wrestling. You know, cattle wrestling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Uh huh.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

You did this yesterday where you actually think that I'm talking about wrestling cows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm hoping. What I'm doing is hoping. I'm hoping that they're coming up with characters.

[Dave Anthony]

No one is actually wrestling cows. It's wrestling yet. Yet, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It could be awesome.

[Eduardo]

I mean, isn't the head of the Department of Education from the wwe?

[Dave Anthony]

It's really not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That just happened to you.

[Dave Anthony]

So the city is attracting those type of people who are involved in those kind of crimes. And a lot of Europeans are into that. And they come.

[Eduardo]

Europeans committing crimes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can imagine.

[Eduardo]

What is this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

And they challenged Mexican Texans for control of the land. And Spanish land grants, which go back all the way to 1767, are now being disputed. And a lot of Mexican Texans never even knew their rights under the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo. And their lack of English puts them in a really bad spot. And Several Americans just make a fortune on taking advantage of these people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine that still happens.

[Eduardo]

Just Americans making money taking advantage of people. Yeah, that still happens.

[Dave Anthony]

No. What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think that's fair.

[Eduardo]

No. All right.

[Dave Anthony]

We're talking about the past.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That stopped a long time ago.

[Eduardo]

We're going back. I mean, measles is back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cause we want it back. Because the best way to get rid of measles is to make sure every kid gets it.

[Eduardo]

The dust bowl is coming back. I mean, we wanted the dust bowl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We like dust. We're into it. These are all choices. It's called manifesting, dude.

[Eduardo]

I'm sorry, I'm just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just came here to shit on. We're doing good stuff.

[Eduardo]

No, I know. It's just weird for me as a Mexican to be on the other side of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you mean by that, asshole? Explain yourself. Take a Taco Bell.

[Eduardo]

Like, it's weird to gloat to Americans about stuff.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm telling you, we will figure out.

[Eduardo]

The most reluctant applause.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah, absolutely. We're fucking huge.

[Eduardo]

Because they're like, yeah, you're right. Oh, shit. You are right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mark my words, we will be climbing that wall. We're coming.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. If you take Mexican urine and you drink a Mexican urine, it will stop the measles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave's thirsty, so. Right.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Go down to Mexico and into El Paso, and if you ask them. If you ask them for urine, rfk, give it to the young children.

[Eduardo]

Dave's RFK sounds healthy.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, not Basil, Dave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It sounds like what happens to RFK during a full moon or something. It's like he's like, fully. Like.

[Eduardo]

That'S rfk, Pre warm. It's after, like, the baby, the bear that they. He dumped in New York, but before the worm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pre worm.

[Dave Anthony]

That's why. That's why he did heroin. He was like, cuz, I can't. And then, oh, sweet Jesus, that's fucking good shit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It definitely was the worm who was like, I'm a heroin addict too. He was like, well, that's not very good.

[Eduardo]

So he just likes that one vaccine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And boy, howdy, did he. I take the flu shot every morning.

[Dave Anthony]

So Juan is now concerned about his mother's land. And he goes to this mass meeting in Brownsville on February 2, 1850. There's speakers there, and they're like, texas has no claim to this territory. And then everyone at the meeting signs a petition to create the Rio Grande territory, which would be separate from Texas, but they're Being duped by land speculators, basically. And it's a big scheme. And so Texas now creates a commission to look in all into all the land grants, right?

[Eduardo]

Because the whole thing goes back to, like, the Spanish game. And then they're like, this is ours. And then the native Mexicans were like, what the fuck? And now there's like, I don't know, hundreds of years later, somebody else is like, oh, well, that land is not for the Spanish anymore. Now it's for the Texans. And then the Texans are like, well, what the fuck is happening? And I don't know. It's still going on. It's weird. I'm confused.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's where we want you.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

Thank you.

[Dave Anthony]

Exactly where we want you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right where we want you.

[Dave Anthony]

Take. Because. Because you guys got the cartel, so we're gonna have to take a lot of land and make a buffer zone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we're gonna have to fill it with Taco Bells. A couple hundred miles, about 600 mules.

[Dave Anthony]

That area is actually gonna be called the Taco Bell strip.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, Taco Bell Strip. All right. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

And you'll like it. You'll come to enjoy the bean burrito and the bell bean color. Have you had the Dorito shelled burritos Supreme?

[Eduardo]

I actually have had Doritos. Taco Loco, whatever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Locos.

[Eduardo]

Yeah. I'm ashamed to admit that I actually liked it.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. We are finding common ground here, but.

[Eduardo]

I think it's just because I lack melanin.

[Dave Anthony]

He is a very white Mexican gentleman.

[Eduardo]

White Mexicans exist. We are called white chickens. And we are also the worst.

[Dave Anthony]

No. I have seen the white Latino all over South America where they seem to be in charge of everything, which is interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're still not letting you in. Nice try.

[Dave Anthony]

You cannot come in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice try.

[Dave Anthony]

Son of a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got too white.

[Dave Anthony]

Juan's mother, Estefana, had to hire lawyers to fight for her land against claims now being made by these rich Brownsville guys. And the judge rules for her, but that pisses off the rich guys so much that the judge was impeached. Wow.

[Eduardo]

That still happens.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it does.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine.

[Dave Anthony]

But she still has to pay for the trial, defending her own land.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

And she has to use some of her land to pay the lawyers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's perfect.

[Dave Anthony]

And his. His ex, buddy Glavecki. Remember Adolphus? Right. Stood as a witness as she signed away a portion of her Brownsville land for $1 to the guys who had sued her, even though she won.

[Eduardo]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it's perfect.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's still.

[Eduardo]

Yeah. It's the American way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. They win no matter what.

[Dave Anthony]

So Juan is fucking pissed at this conspiracy that's taken place. Quote, vile men in secret, in a secret conclave who took Mexicans land. And he does not believe the new Americans and the Mexicans could live in peace. So Brownsville's Anglo merchants wanted to create a free trade zone. These people always. What about a free market?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Filibusters. Wanted to create a republic of Rio Grande in northeast Mexico. So that's a private country. They wanted to make Juan's cousin, Jose Maria de Jesus Carvajal.

[Eduardo]

That was actually pretty good. Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Bam.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So Carvalho becomes the leader of a separatist movement bankrolled by merchants. And he raises an army of foreigner men and promises to return escaped slaves to Texas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cool. Or.

[Eduardo]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

So he starts taking over towns. He's just a separate militia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Eduardo]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

And Juan defends Matamoros when they attack. And Carval is defeated. So he beats his cousin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice.

[Dave Anthony]

In 1855, Juan resigns from the military as a lieutenant. And Brownsville is now a boom town. And laws were made to make it more civilized.

[Eduardo]

Did that work?

[Dave Anthony]

That never works. And one can't ride animals on sidewalks. And bathing is now regulated in the river.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, what?

[Dave Anthony]

We're making laws to make the place more civilized. So you can't. You can't ride your fucking pig on a sidewalk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And what's this last one?

[Dave Anthony]

You can't just bathe in the fucking river.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you can't still. Come on.

[Dave Anthony]

And they tried to cut down on rowdy parties.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

Let's fucking kill that shit at like 10, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, if there's no rowdy parties, I'm not gonna bathe in the river.

[Dave Anthony]

Why would you? If you're not coming from rowdy party, why would you ride your pig on the sidewalk?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Is it riding pigs? Is that really what they're afraid of, I'm assuming?

[Eduardo]

I don't know. I don't think I've ever heard of Mexicans having rowdy parties. I don't think. I don't think that's a thing. I don't think anybody here has a neighbor who has like banda music playing at three in the morning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you mean the culture that turned the accordion into a rock musician. How the fuck did they. Goddamn teenagers made accordion rock.

[Eduardo]

It's actually not bad. It's not right, but it's not bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not right. It's definitely not right.

[Dave Anthony]

Not a lot of Mexicans took part in the city government. Even though the population was mostly Mexican, the local priests called the rich in Brownsville, quote, the scum of society.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, yeah, exactly. We celebrate that.

[Dave Anthony]

Of all the rich, the one Juan came to hate the most with his.

[Eduardo]

The one. One what?

[Dave Anthony]

The one Juan that came to hate the most was his ex friend, Adolphus Glavaki.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I knew it.

[Dave Anthony]

The one who said he murdered a Kentucky and stole the livestock and then over his mother.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, that. Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Glavaki was in local politics. He'd been a bunch of different offices over the years. He was city alderman in 1857. But so many people didn't like him when he was city alderman that the council passed a resolution calling for him to be removed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they had to pass a law to get him out. Yeah, he's like, no, no, he's a dick. Yeah, right, okay.

[Eduardo]

So he was that much of a dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're like, legally you fucking suck. Get out. Everyone who agrees that Adolphus is a fucking boner, get. Yes. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

I fucking hate that twat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on.

[Dave Anthony]

Can we legally call him a twat?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, granted. But be respectful, don't overuse it. Actually, no, we can't. Because I can see the look in your eyes right now, and you're gonna abuse the privilege.

[Dave Anthony]

I wanna ride it on a cybertruck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We call that riding a pig down the sidewalk.

[Dave Anthony]

So when. When Glebecki and Juan had been friends, he had helped Juan's family with legal and financial matters. But Juan hated the conflict of interest during all that. And he once charged him with mismanagement and waste of his aunt's estate. And by 1858, they're now just pure fucking enemies. They just fucking hate each other. Nice. And Glovecki went before a grand jury and got three indictments against Juan for cattle stealing. One was a quote, brown spotted frizzly haired cow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep, we know the type. Yeah, a brown frizzy. Yeah, absolutely.

[Dave Anthony]

And Juan began saying he would.

[Eduardo]

I know it's kind of stereotypical, but everything's been brown so far.

[Dave Anthony]

Here we go.

[Eduardo]

Fort Brown, Brownsville, brown cows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I haven't noticed. I don't.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[Eduardo]

All right. No, it's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus. It's not all about race, dude, you're in America, okay? We're not all about race.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, please do not make this race war episode about race.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

It'S about the new city's rights, right? It's not about.

[Dave Anthony]

It's about the free trade zone, man.

[Eduardo]

Of course it's about the free market.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So what if we're painting the black parts of our cows in this country? Don't worry about it.

[Eduardo]

It's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Those are just the spots. It's just what we're doing. We're whitening them. Don't worry, buddy. Angel cows.

[Dave Anthony]

All cows are angel cows. Now, Juan began saying he would kill Adolphus on site.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice.

[Dave Anthony]

Now, there's a lot of inequality in the area. There were the rich guys, mostly white, who dressed really nice. And then most of the population, Mexican and poor, they're dressed in rags. They're living in huts. Juan is a ranchero, and he dresses nice, but he's related to the poor. And political situation very tense. And elections had a ton of.

[Eduardo]

I'm sorry, but is he a brown savior?

[Dave Anthony]

He's a bit of a brown savior, yeah. Okay. Elections have a ton of fraud. In 1850, 21 votes were cast before the polls opened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But that's fine. That happens. Yeah, that's a pre vote. That happens.

[Eduardo]

No, that still happens in Mexico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it still happens here.

[Dave Anthony]

That. Yeah. That's just classic. Like, there's already some in here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. I already won before the ballots open. That's such a relief. That's like Putin. It's an honor to be a president again. The election's next week. It doesn't matter.

[Dave Anthony]

In Ramireno, a judge took the ballot box home. At the end of the day, that's fine, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Those are. Those. You're flagging that sort of stuff.

[Eduardo]

But did that happen in Florida in, like, 2000?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it happened in Ohio in nineteen four.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. Both times, George W. Bush won. Oh, yeah. He didn't fucking win. Guys, look, we like winners. He won, obviously. Look how good of a job he did. Now he paints dogs in Crawford. Sorry, everybody. We like him. We do like him. He's great. Thank you. For him.

[Eduardo]

Should I just take the hat off now? I think it's going to his brain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, just exposed brain. I'm fine.

[Eduardo]

Careful, they'll make you Secretary of Health.

[Dave Anthony]

So for elections, Mexican would. Mexicans would claim to be Americans. Just on and on. It's just tons of shit. So Anglos are still mostly winning elections, though. And Juan became involved in importing Mexicans to vote.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hmm. This is truly, like, exactly what Trump is inventing.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes, it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got a guy and he's bringing a bunch of Mexicans to vote, and they're voting for the liberal Democrats, and they're putting five to 10 of them inside of a donkey, bringing them across the. You see it a bunch of times. They're voting with drugs. They're bad hombres. They're all named Fentanyl. You've seen it a hundred times. I was talking to the CIA. They said, we don't know what to do. There's so many of them. I said, what can we do? They said, you got a new. The border.

[Eduardo]

I'm both horrified.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so we're building a Taco Bell.

[Eduardo]

Oh, God. We're gonna pay for it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nachos. Belgrande with a dipping sauce.

[Eduardo]

Didn't he do, like, influencer marketing for, like, a can of beans last time around?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was a. I thought.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was like. Is unbelievable.

[Eduardo]

So he hates beaners, but not beans. I don't get it. Yeah, I can say it. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Can you. Can you say it?

[Eduardo]

I shouldn't, but I can.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're allowed to.

[Dave Anthony]

It's very.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When Dave said it backstage, that was offensive, though, that. Yeah. No, he had no right. He had no right. And we, again, are sorry.

[Dave Anthony]

Is brought to you by Squarespace, Garrett. Squarespace, of course. What is it all in one encompassing? They. They do websites, they do domains, they do everything. You need to set up a business online and get. They don't do yard work. That's actually a whole different thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A little confused as to.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I'm talking about with a website and domain, and if you want to. If you want a profit, you can. You can put up merch and you can do. Do videos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you what, I like a little bit of profit.

[Dave Anthony]

They host videos. We use Squarespace.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What, for the yard stuff?

[Dave Anthony]

No, no, we use Squarespace. We. We have four or five websites with Squarespace.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My sources page now. My man off the street instinct would tell me, you like this product.

[Dave Anthony]

I do like this product a lot because we've been using Squarespace for years. They've been using us. It's. Yeah, I would say it's a parasitic relationship, but it's not. We're the parasites. They're the host. Strange, what you're doing. Yeah, it is. We love it. It's very easy to use. The templates look great. I mentioned it's easy to use because if dummies like us can do it, then I think anybody can do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't. I'm not allowed to drive cars.

[Dave Anthony]

But, like, everything's there. The way it's set up to just go in and pop stuff in and change stuff and really just set it up. It's super easy. Even my Father could do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does he use it?

[Dave Anthony]

He's no longer with us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My God, did this take a dark turn.

[Dave Anthony]

But Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid right in one place. From consultants to. From consultations to events and experiences and showcasing offerings. And you get a customizable website design and it's what you need. And you get paid on time with professional on brand invoices, online payments, post videos like Gareth does. Gareth has a lot of feet videos up, which I'm trying to get taken down, but he just won't take them down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Foot daddy.

[Dave Anthony]

But it's hurting the brand. But he puts them up. Look, you can make smarter business decisions with Squarespace Intuitive built in analytics tool. Review website traffic, learn where to focus engagement and track revenue with bookings, invoices, product sales, all in one place. I don't like that you're unplugging and plugging things in during the. So head to space a little. Head to squarespace.com squarespace for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Yeah, that's squarespace.com dollop for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Yeah, you're a good boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm tired.

[Dave Anthony]

We are also brought to you by Rocket Money. Look, a lot, a lot of people aren't aware of how much you spend each month. Do you know how many subscriptions you pay for right now?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Many. Many.

[Dave Anthony]

You can't name it, right? There's no way you can name a number.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No way.

[Dave Anthony]

And especially if you have like too many two people in the family. Like sometimes my wife, I'll be like, oh, I canceled Peacock because we're not using it. And then all of a sudden I go back and look and she's redone Peacock.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I'll jump in. Dave's saying Rocket Money is good to passively, aggressively fight with your. Your significant other.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, no, you can go in and go, oh, we have that again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then you go, oh. But then you go, well, there was to get rid of it too.

[Dave Anthony]

There was a show I wanted to watch, so it was good that it was on. But the way I found out it by looking at a rock, I'm like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And boy, were you mad.

[Dave Anthony]

But anyway, you probably have more subscriptions than you think. And so app. The app we're talking about. Rocket Money is Designed to help you manage your money better. Find out what subscriptions you have and take care of it. If you need to lose it, lose it with Rocket Money. Get rid of that subscription.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Save a little pocket money. Get yourself a little Rocket Money. So they always say.

[Dave Anthony]

What Rocket Money is, is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions and monitors your spending. It helps lower your bill so you can grow your savings. And I know, Gareth, you'd love to grow your savings.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, boy. How do you do it?

[Dave Anthony]

I just like to say stuff to make you respond when you're bending over. Unplugging.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's nice to. It's good. My neck is. I'm getting a Rogan neck.

[Dave Anthony]

If you've got a goal, you'd like to save for a rock of money and analyze your accounts to find the best time each month to put a little extra money aside.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you think Luke just came in here and just. Just kicked I record out of everything?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you, which it did for me. It saved me 300 bucks a year on my Internet. The app automatically scans your bills, finds opportunities to save, and then goes to work to get you better deals. They'll even talk to customer service for you so you don't have to. Which huge plus. So Raga Money's 5 million members have saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the premium's app's features. We both have saved tons of money. As I just mentioned, the Internet, but also subscriptions. I've had like four or five canceled now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Same.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, and you had weird ones. Internet radio. Like, who does that anymore? But that was you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Goat watcher.

[Dave Anthony]

Goat watcher. So look, cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com dollup today. That's RocketMoney.RocketMoney.com dollop There's a newspaper in the area called the American Flag Newspaper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The American Flag Newspaper.

[Eduardo]

Well, it's news, right? Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My pillow guy. If the mypillow guy had a paper called the Flag of America.

[Dave Anthony]

Quote an hour before the election. They are fast friends. Mexicans, My very good friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Friends.

[Dave Anthony]

An hour after the election. They are a crowd of greasers.

[Eduardo]

Oh, yeah, sure. That's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're sorry.

[Eduardo]

It's not your fault.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, but we didn't mean it. It's cool. We love. Look, you're not just Greasers, you're great.

[Eduardo]

No, it's okay. It's fine. I mean, that doesn't happen anymore. It's not like candidates nowadays tell people, oh, yeah, we like you, and then forget about them when they win. Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not in this country. My man.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope, nope. Fire everybody. Everybody's equal. It's called socialism. It's called communism.

[Dave Anthony]

It's called what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anarchism. I don't know.

[Dave Anthony]

Sorry. I'm trying to look up the pictures because they disappeared on me.

[Eduardo]

I mean, I get to go back to Mexico. It's your problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Never thought. Imagine 15 years ago, hearing that I get to go back to Mexico. People be like, what now? We're like, take me with you. What's it like?

[Eduardo]

Mills dot com. What the fuck? We saw your other tab.

[Dave Anthony]

The rest of the rest of my pictures didn't load, so whatever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The what?

[Dave Anthony]

Most of the pictures didn't load, so just fucking deal with it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we're going to be. Well, if we're going to be on one picture, I think we all want.

[Dave Anthony]

To be on this guy. That's a good picture. So free alcohol flows. There's also intimidation and force at the polls. So Juan now becomes so through his working with the election guys, he becomes so influential that in 1859, he's appointed to the county Democratic committee even though he's still under indictment for murder and rustling.

[Eduardo]

Wow. Criminals in office, huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Democrats, too.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. And now a lot of Mexicans are angry as their land is being taken through legal maneuvering and debt seizure and terrorism. So it's the whole place, like, the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's on the list. You know, debt stuff, Terrorists. It's all. We're just figuring it out.

[Eduardo]

I'm sorry, were the Mexicans burning Teslas or something? What.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To dare?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Yeah, they were.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Even back then.

[Eduardo]

Even back then. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

On July 13th, Juan rode into town to go to a saloon and a restaurant that he often went to. And in the street, he saw town marshal Robert Shears, who was an ex Texas Ranger, pistol whipping an old Mexican man who had once worked on Juan's mother's ranch. Now, Shears is from Kentucky, had a bad temper. He was known for chewing an excessive amount of tobacco and squinting his eyes in an annoying way.

[Eduardo]

I think, really, that's the worst part of it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's it right there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the Clint Eastwood.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Used to be cute.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then it got, like, weird.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

Like the pistol whipping. Fine, but the squinting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, he might not have known what he was. His eyes might have Been closed. And he might have just been. His gun might have jammed or something. We don't know.

[Eduardo]

It's also.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't even look at me like that again.

[Eduardo]

So very sunny in Brownsville. Like, it is.

[Dave Anthony]

It is sunny. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You got to get a squint on.

[Dave Anthony]

Juan asked him why he was beating the guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a really funny first start. Like, instead of stopping it to be like, what's going on? That guy's face is smashed. You broke a old man's head.

[Dave Anthony]

And Juan didn't like the answer. So he, quote, quote, Juan, he answered me insolently, and I punished his insolence and avenged my countrymen by shooting him with a pistol and stretching him at my feet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Easy does it, Aurora.

[Eduardo]

I'm sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Easy does it.

[Eduardo]

I don't know what got in to me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

And then Juan. Juan pulled the beaten man onto his horse and rode out of town with him. And as he did, all the Mexicans jeered, woo, woo. The marshal was not dead. He.

[Eduardo]

Wait.

[Dave Anthony]

What? The marshal would recover, and Juan rode to Matamoros. And then a 25 man posse was put together to hunt Juan. But by the time it came to riot, out of town, only five would go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What happened there? Just cold feet or they just were.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, they're scared of Juan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're scared of Juan. Okay. Right.

[Dave Anthony]

Juan Cortino is now a hero to poor and underprivileged Mexicans on both sides of the border. And he was indicted in Brownsville for attempted murder. So he brings his family to Mexico, and in Mexico, he is now given a captain's commission in the federal army.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, I get it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I get it, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

He starts recruiting men, and he soon had 100 men. And he swore to get revenge on the sheriff and every man who had joined his posse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, shit. So that's why the 20 didn't show up. They're like, technically, I did not do it. So.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So Glavecki is now deputy sheriff, and he's pretty sure Juan just wants to kill him.

[Eduardo]

So what gave it away?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

Was it the part where he said, I'll kill you next time I see you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or when he tried to kill him?

[Eduardo]

I don't know, man. Mixed signals. It's weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. On September 28, 1859, Juan Cortina and 70 men crossed the Rio Grande at 4am and his men would become known as Cortinis. Cortinistas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cortin.

[Eduardo]

Cortinistas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eduardo]

The corners.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Cortinistas.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

And they entered Brownsville shouting, quote, viva Chino Cortina.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, that's fine.

[Dave Anthony]

What's chino mean?

[Eduardo]

Chino?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's a pant.

[Eduardo]

No, Chino is like a Chinese.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a what?

[Eduardo]

Chinese. Whoever has like a. You know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're lying.

[Eduardo]

If their eyes are vaguely Asian, we call them Chinese in Mexico. I'm not proud of it, but it happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you being serious?

[Eduardo]

I am being serious.

[Dave Anthony]

You're fucking serious right now?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no. He's setting a trap for the whites. Don't fall in it.

[Eduardo]

I am fucking serious. No, I am serious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, no.

[Eduardo]

I am serious.

[Dave Anthony]

So they're running across the border going, go Chink. What the fuck's happening right now?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the end of the show. Not tonight's forever.

[Dave Anthony]

I I f. So much for the good guys.

[Eduardo]

Look, we're not all perfect.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Lo siento. I don't know where to go. I don't know how to. I don't think you're allowed to be racist. Is that correct? I don't know how it works.

[Eduardo]

It's wrong. It's wrong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, okay, we can do it. I just to being clear that. Oh, yeah, sure, it's kind of a philosophy here.

[Eduardo]

No, I mean, for some reason we just. Anybody who has like, my wife has like squinty eyes, I don't think we're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Allowed to have this conversation. I'll be honest with you.

[Dave Anthony]

Your wife has squinty eyes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think you're allowed to say it. I don't know if that's the term.

[Dave Anthony]

But do you call a chino around?

[Eduardo]

No, I don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you're thinking it all the time, aren't you? You're just sitting there thinking, chino. Chino. You just disgusting racist. No, but they used to a white and I'm a white.

[Eduardo]

They used to call my mother in law China.

[Dave Anthony]

What the is happening?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's just. China's pronounced improperly.

[Eduardo]

Because she had like. No, because we have masculine and feminine form. So Chino is for men, Gina.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. I love how your racism is even dramatically created. So what?

[Eduardo]

If you're gonna be racist, at least get your grammar right. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you call hey, Gino, it's Gina. Get it right. It's insulting. I'm a woman.

[Eduardo]

Respect their pronouns while you're being racist, please.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a milf. I am a Chino. Why are we walking around with pants like the chino? What? We shouldn't be doing that. No, no, none of it's that changes everything.

[Dave Anthony]

No, these are my racist pants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, honey, you see my racist pants?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want to go troll some people. You see my misogynist shorts? The ones that camel toe right up front? Want to go troll the libs at a hot dog stand? Where are my moose knucklers?

[Eduardo]

Oh, my God. Mexico was doing so well up until now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We need to build a wall.

[Eduardo]

Guess who's gonna build that wall if it gets built?

[Dave Anthony]

Chinos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, dude, no, no. Don't say chinos.

[Eduardo]

No, they just.

[Dave Anthony]

The Mexicans and the Americans agree. The chinos should build a fucking wall.

[Eduardo]

They did build the railroad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop talking. In what pants?

[Eduardo]

Mexicanos. Y. They were wearing Mexicanos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mexicano pants.

[Eduardo]

I'm just going to curl up in here and. Yeah, we'll see you guys later.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's why it's great that these rotate, so you could sort of. It's kind of like the voice.

[Eduardo]

Mine doesn't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave, when you say something I like, I'll turn around to see who said it.

[Dave Anthony]

Viva Mexico.

[Eduardo]

Anyway, where were we?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, we were just coming together in our horrific racism.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, there was just a race off that.

[Eduardo]

I mean, that just happens when you get three guys together on stage.

[Dave Anthony]

And they also chanted, maran los gringos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that's racist.

[Dave Anthony]

Maran los gringos.

[Eduardo]

Los gringos.

[Dave Anthony]

Kill. Kill the gringos. I think, right?

[Eduardo]

What's happening?

[Dave Anthony]

How do you say kill the gringos? Yeah, how do you say it? Say it into the microphone. Kill the gringos.

[Eduardo]

Gringos say kill.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whitey. Say it.

[Eduardo]

Martin. El blancito.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Say it in English, too.

[Dave Anthony]

Comfortable with that.

[Eduardo]

What? I'm sorry. D.

[Dave Anthony]

So the poor of the city joined the attack. And Juan's Raiders were in small parties of four or five, each with a specific person they were seeking to kill.

[Eduardo]

So he's just hit squads.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, he's got. He's. Yeah, he's got. He's got. Squads, death squads. So they tried to raise the Mexican flag over the town, but they couldn't find a rope.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine.

[Eduardo]

Because, yeah, the whites had all the ropes. I'm sorry, what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're in use or pending use. We're having a great. A great rope shortage.

[Dave Anthony]

Glovacci hid in a store on Levy street as the Carnistas took guns, ammo, booze and horses from homes. He kept control of Brownsville for a day and then he rode out of town. He was now the first man to strike back against the racist society that many Tejanos believe was evil.

[Eduardo]

I mean, you gotta fight fire with fire, right?

[Dave Anthony]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. But Then we look at it like someone came at us with fire out of nowhere.

[Dave Anthony]

What the hell happened?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We were sitting around doing nothing our fires allowed.

[Dave Anthony]

That night, he gathered more men on the border, about 200, and said he wouldn't attack again if he could bring his livestock and personal property into Mexico, but also that he would, quote, kill those who had offended him once the opportunity offered.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, that's quite a second part of that. I want peace. Just allow me to cross the border in peace. Okay, we will. Plus, I have a kill list, and I plan on hitting him.

[Eduardo]

I'm done with the retribution, I think it's called. Right?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

All right, that's cool.

[Dave Anthony]

Men came to negotiate, but Juan was very adamant that he was going to kill his enemies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is.

[Eduardo]

I mean, we're really talking. Remember, this guy is five, six. Like, he's.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

Have you ever seen a Chihuahua? Like, have you ever seen a little Chihuahua dog just barking at a pit bull or something?

[Dave Anthony]

I have six.

[Eduardo]

I mean, I'm, like, slightly taller than he is. Like five. I'm like six two.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now you're not. See, that's why you got to get to the metric system.

[Eduardo]

God damn it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you're lost right now, baby. You're lost.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, I'm five, eight. That's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do like going over to negotiate with him, and he's like, I'm going to kill him. So what if you just.

[Eduardo]

I mean, remember when we. When he talked to the wagon master, he choked him near to death.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. He turned. Yeah. He was, like, on death's door.

[Dave Anthony]

He doesn't take shit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. And he killed the other guy, too.

[Dave Anthony]

So when he wrote into Matamoros, he was greeted as a hero. And then he issued a. A pronunciament.

[Eduardo]

Pronunciamiento. Pronunciamiento, yeah. Ironically, pronunciar is also, you know, how you say words, so it's like a proclamation, but it's also like the same word is used for how you pronounce words, which you. Not pronouncing it right is just amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, I really feel like I'm living inside of Duolingo tonight.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Let me tell you something. I did not expect here to be treated like this in Trump's America.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're a white man under attack, huh, brother?

[Dave Anthony]

This is exactly what we've been talking about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me ask you this. The way I pronounce it.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

As a white man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, well, take it easy.

[Dave Anthony]

It's the way it's pronounced.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Eduardo]

Anyway, he said something, and then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That'S the way a lot when you take them out of the bubble and they say what they say they're just like a weirdo shouting like, all right, Grandpa, look, get off the chair. Because they tried to take it away from me. I'm a white. All right, sir, listen. This is a Cracker Barrel. Sit down. I have waffles.

[Eduardo]

Is that where they all meet? At the Cracker Barrel?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, well, if you can't afford Golden Corral.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, not in this economy, Gary.

[Dave Anthony]

Eventually, they'll all be at Denny's.

[Eduardo]

So basically, he just said. Yeah. He said, fuck everybody. And that was it, right? Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

In the pronunciamento.

[Eduardo]

That's better.

[Dave Anthony]

Which basically said that he, as a US Citizen would fight the land speculators, and then Mexicans living in Texas would defend themselves to the death.

[Eduardo]

Brownsville Mexican citizens were like, we're doing what to the what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, we didn't all.

[Eduardo]

No, I just came here for the booze and the horses. What the fuck is happening?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want to be home by 4.

[Dave Anthony]

Brownsville's postmaster said Juan was, quote, formally proclaiming a war of races.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

Nothing wrong with that.

[Eduardo]

I mean, at least it was formal, you know?

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, Luke, can I get another thingamadoodle? Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll have one while we're having.

[Dave Anthony]

By the way, Luke's at our merch table back there, and we have a.

[Eduardo]

Everybody say, hi, Luke. Hi, Luke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, Luke.

[Eduardo]

If you see Luke, give him a snack. He likes him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You heard about the snack today in the van?

[Eduardo]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

Holy.

[Eduardo]

What did he do? Dude, what happened?

[Dave Anthony]

So we have a little segment on the Patreon called Luke eats snacks and people send the worst things you can eat. And some Sophia Lopez from El Monte, California sent.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll never forget her name for what she. It was a crime, what she did to us.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a Chinese chino. It's a chino. Come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

Come on.

[Eduardo]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

Come on. You're married to one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're allowed to say it.

[Eduardo]

Not in bed anymore.

[Dave Anthony]

Smelled before the box was opened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Smelled she sent. It was like fermented tofu or something.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes, but then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But even. It's. It's. We can't do it justice, but, no.

[Eduardo]

It needs no justice.

[Dave Anthony]

When the seal was cracked, I almost vomited in the van, but it was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Open, and it was the worst thing I've ever smelled. Without question, ever. We were in a van. Like, we were not in, like, a location. We could leave.

[Dave Anthony]

That's the kind of thing you would throw in a cyber truck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then the cybertruck would just turn into dust.

[Eduardo]

So this woman scent looked like a biological weapon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, yes, yes. And I'm like, Covid. The next Covid. And he took a spoonful of it. He actually ate it, tried to eat it.

[Dave Anthony]

And I am almost vomiting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're all almost vomiting. He almost threw up in a liquid death box. The irony. And. And. And we had. We literally had to pull over and go to a gas station and fill the car with air fresheners, open all.

[Dave Anthony]

The doors, and he bought, like. I'm not kidding, like, 20 air fresheners.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I mean, you. We had to attack. We were. We were attacked. And we're Americans. We strike back with real force.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then we threw it out. And Luke, we were like, two hours later, like, it's nice. The smell's gone. And he was like, it's still in my beard, and I can taste it. Well, that's. I mean, you are the one who put it in your mouth, to be honest with you.

[Dave Anthony]

So it's literally a biological weapon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was the worst. I don't know how you get to be this old and not know about the worst thing on earth. Like, there is a new category of the worst thing on earth.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the only thing he's not been able to swallow. And believe me, I've tested it.

[Eduardo]

This is a family show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I met a family. In his throat.

[Eduardo]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, fuck.

[Eduardo]

We're having fun.

[Dave Anthony]

So in Brownsville, they said all the raiders were Mexican, and the city is now in a state of fucking panic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

No one knew who to trust. They made barricades out of 80,000 bricks. And at night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they.

[Eduardo]

They built a wall.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Isn't it amazing that the technology hasn't changed? We're still like, hey, you gotta build a. But it has to be really tall. That's all we've got. Yeah. They. Fuck. It's gotta be more bricks. Bigger, taller wall.

[Eduardo]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We haven't thought of the wall tall enough.

[Dave Anthony]

At night, the Anglos huddled in the central part of town. The American flag paper quote to the American press. Brownsville had become Fort Gringo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm even a little confused by that one.

[Eduardo]

Yep. So they're trying to reclaim the word, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Right?

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The G word.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

They sent a message to Mexican General Carvajal asking for help. And he said, are you there?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Help?

[Dave Anthony]

Help. And he sent 50 militiamen from Matamoros to Brownsville to protect U.S. citizens. So, baby, thank you. So now, so now the.

[Eduardo]

Thanks, Luke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Luke. You know what?

[Eduardo]

Now that you mentioned it, I can. I could smell it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, you smell weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's just the regular hum.

[Dave Anthony]

That's his normal odor. Right. So they've asked the Mexican general for help. He sent men. So now Mexican military are in Brownsville to protect the scared gringos from the American with the militia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a little backwards.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, no, it's fine.

[Dave Anthony]

It's fucking crazy.

[Eduardo]

So.

[Dave Anthony]

They also appealed to the Texas state government and President Buchanan. So more. As is going on, more people are joining Juan because he seems like a badass at this point. So the villages along the Rio Grande and even from the interior of Mexico are all starting coming over to his side. Quote, some were almost naked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why? Is there a reason?

[Eduardo]

Yeah, we were ready to party.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Playing that goddamn accordion rock. Why naked? Is that just sort of.

[Dave Anthony]

They just didn't have any money and they couldn't buy clothes. They literally had nothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that right?

[Eduardo]

I mean, I had nothing but a dream.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, that's how it is in my movie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I read that script and I've told you that someone has to have money in it. We will build a wall.

[Dave Anthony]

We will.

[Eduardo]

No, it's a barricade of bricks. It's not a wall.

[Dave Anthony]

In Corpus Christi Ranchero, it said he was taking advantage of, quote, idle, vicious, depraved, thievish, ignorant and fanatical population.

[Eduardo]

But was he running for president when he said all this?

[Dave Anthony]

But he did get 6,000 in donations from people in the Matamoros and in D.C. and Austin, they have no idea what the fuck is happening. The border is very complicated.

[Eduardo]

Imagine I like how one guy laughed that Austin had no idea what was happening.

[Dave Anthony]

The border is very complicated. The Texas Senate wanted the governor to send a thousand Texas Rangers, but the governor's not sure if he should do that. And by October wanted taking his army to his mom's land.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which sounds like a really weird thing.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Going to take the army to my mom's land.

[Dave Anthony]

Mummy Hills.

[Eduardo]

Your motherland.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Motherland?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You mean Mexico. I agree.

[Dave Anthony]

So he sets up fortified camps on his mom's land.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It doesn't sound manly.

[Dave Anthony]

Sorry. He sets up 40 fortified camps on his mommy's land.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Better. And he say, on his MILF's land.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not his. He's not fucking his mom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey.

[Eduardo]

Somebody else was.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some of us are getting there in a different way. Let us go, babe.

[Dave Anthony]

And they even send out groups and they would take control of local villages. He spends a lot Most of his time in Matamoros, where he just walks down the streets and is treated as a hero. And then Brownsville concluded they are safe, and the Mexican militia leaves. And then the sheriff and Glovacki arrest one of Juan's best friends near his ranch. And Juan said if he is not released, he would, quote, lay the town in ashes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So let him go. That's what you do. You let him go without question.

[Dave Anthony]

Let him go?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You're not like, well, I don't know. This guy seems like a fucking wimp.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. And in Brownsville, people said they would rather die than release him. So Juan attacks. He attacks with 40 men in broad daylight, just shooting into the town.

[Eduardo]

Did he attack just the Juan time?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's literally all I keep thinking about. The amount of times I'm like, uh huh. Yeah. There was just Juan of them.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

I'm asking you to just release my Juan friend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's Juan friend.

[Dave Anthony]

And the mayor had gotten a howitzer from a steamboat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

It's how you fucking do things. Yeah. You go to the boat and you go, can I get a machine gun?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely. We are a steamboat. Why wouldn't we have a howitzer on here? Here you go. Anything else you want? Grenades, Nukes.

[Dave Anthony]

And he asked the Mexican military for help. And they brought a cannon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, not a howitzer.

[Dave Anthony]

So the Brownsville Public Safety Committee, who are just basically rich assholes, created the Brownsville Tigers militia, and they put in charge a Scottish sailor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fuck. Yeah, they did.

[Eduardo]

What the fuck is happening?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you what the fuck is happening. This shit just got fucking real. What? It makes perfect sense.

[Eduardo]

I mean, Juan was barely starting to understand American English, and then you send.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's not going to be a problem with any accents in this one. I'm speaking perfectly clearly 1. I think you can understand every part of it. You what? No, I don't understand that much. But listen, what you got to do is come around the back. That's the zone, mate. They look it up that way. You come back around, you go, oh, no, not that.

[Eduardo]

No, seriously, what the are you saying?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No talking about anything like that. I got a bit like that, right? She come around the corner, he's got a bit of squirt. You go, oh, my God. What are you. Got a bit of a chino.

[Eduardo]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't say worry me like that. I'm allowed to say I'm married to one. It's absolutely bloody fine, isn't it? Anyway, what was he up to then? Got a bit of the sneaky boys. Haven't I? Tell you what, you want to find out. It's authentic. Skirts. And have a look underneath, see if you've got the real saga. Bagpipes. Bad news, mate. The humidity's not played well upon me. Christ Almighty. I've got to sit down there for a orchestra, I'll tell you that much. Have a look, see? Oh, sick and tired of me talking, are you? Fighting the back of your little thing, then go on.

[Eduardo]

Again, I am both impressed and horrified.

[Dave Anthony]

So they are joined. The Brownsville Tigers, led by the Scottish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Guy, are joined me. I've got this.

[Dave Anthony]

Are joined by 75 Mexican militia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As we said. Must have been amazing.

[Dave Anthony]

And they attack Juan at his ranch. And the howitzer and the cannon fail.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't believe we've been unable to do it with the whip and starch. This. Aye.

[Eduardo]

This has never happened to me before. I must be nervous.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Got a bit of stage fright.

[Eduardo]

Let's just rub each other's backs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Unfortunately, before we got near his house, I shot everything all over. So nervous. It's a compliment if you think about it. I was so excited to take him that when I got there, I just finished right into the hill. Give me 10 minutes to reload. Maybe we can have another go. Yeah, let me have another shot, please.

[Eduardo]

You promised me a Loch Ness monster.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, what can I tell you? You got a baby shark. Apologies.

[Dave Anthony]

So they attack Juan at his ranch. The howitzer and cannon fail and they push the howitzer into the river to stop Juan's men from taking it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is where you know you're fucked.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, you're just dumping shit into the water.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hide the weapons from the other guys. Hide our best weapon from our opponent.

[Dave Anthony]

The Tiger's muskets wouldn't fire because it was drizzling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. So fucking sad. By the way, I've had that happen before as well. I need to have a dry condition, otherwise the musket won't shoot properly.

[Eduardo]

That's kind of. It's a paradox, right? You have to be dry to get wet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, is that. Well, absolutely, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Chafing, all that. Yeah. You want the right amount of wet, but too much. All of a sudden, you're slipping in and out, don't know where you're going. Bing, bang, back door. Oopsie, poopsie. Oh, it's happened. It's happened. They're about 2 inches apart. You get confused. Sorry about that. Don't blame me. That was God's design. He should have put one in the centre of the chest. If he wanted it to be clear. Life's a bloody riddle. And so are the genies. The Jennies. The Jennies.

[Eduardo]

And they let this guy run the army?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, trust me. Whoa.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm just really hard.

[Eduardo]

Yeah. Because that's what he needs. Encouragement.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You think that guy's. Even when that guy dies, he's a zombie. Okay. Trust me.

[Dave Anthony]

So they also discovered that their cartridges are too big for their muskets. So they end up fleeting, fleeing in panic. A tiger quote. Our men commenced arriving in town, some on foot, others on horses and mules and asses almost sorry. Mostly double. And many of them without arms.

[Eduardo]

There was just one guy who rode in on a pig. It was weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I rode in on a fucking ass once with no arms. Junior college.

[Dave Anthony]

In the. In the battle, Juan Cortina had lost two men and several were wounded. The Tigers lost one man. The Cortinistas pulled the howitzer from the river and had the cannon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, in retrospect, tossing it all in the river isn't really great. Like, they were like, oh, we got it. It's in the river.

[Dave Anthony]

Maybe it was a bad idea to have a Scottish sailor lead the land fight.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You watch your fucking mouth, mate. I'm sorry. I thought the river would take the Howlet so far down there.

[Dave Anthony]

They also got gunpowder and other ammo. Now, Juan told the squinting sheriff and Glivecki to meet him on the battlefield. Or quote, I am about to march upon the town and have sufficient force and artillery to batter down the houses. And then he started shooting off the cannon every morning at 6am to freak out everyone in Brownsville.

[Eduardo]

That's how you do it. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every morning he's like, he's fucking trolling me. He is showing off.

[Dave Anthony]

All this led to more recruits joining Juan's army. And they came not just because they hated the gringos, but also because Juan is very charismatic and a leader. 75% are very poor men from Mexico, and they fly the Mexican flag at his camp even though it's a. Oh, they found rope.

[Eduardo]

Nice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was in the river. Get rid of this as well. Actually, I might go under for a bit. The river's magic.

[Dave Anthony]

The Brownsville Tigers went to Corpus Christi and said crazed cortanistas had taken Brownsville and executed all of the Tigers. Sorry. A Brownsville tiger. So one guy goes up to Corpus Christi is like, there's a slaughter. Everybody's dead.

[Eduardo]

They're eating the dogs. They're eating the cats.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The one sending the most paranoid message, they're eating dogs. They took Our jobs. They ate the cats. One of the guys ate me. I'm dead.

[Eduardo]

And then that guy founded Whataburger. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So headlines now spread across the world and the Corpus Christi Guards Militia is quickly formed. And the editor of the Ranchero warned a quote, idle, vicious, depraved, thievish, ignorant and fanatical population was on the loose and they must be crushed.

[Eduardo]

I think he missed some adjectives. I think he didn't use them all.

[Dave Anthony]

Fucked. Bullshit. They believe one had 900 men who swore to kill every white man and take all land up to the Colorado River.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just disgusting when you hear about that sort of racist shit. It's just so hard. Yeah, it's just taking white man.

[Eduardo]

You guys. You guys have been through so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we have. I mean, people keep trying to take the stuff we took. It's like, stop.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop it.

[Eduardo]

It's not fair.

[Dave Anthony]

This is a classic story of how we tried to be nice to Mexicans.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Eduardo]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

And then they're all making it about race.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We give you the gift of Taco Bell and you reject it. We accept, though. We accept. Oh, you're. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

What about. What about Del Taco?

[Eduardo]

Nobody likes Del Taco.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the. I got bad news. We got the biggest. Del Taco.

[Eduardo]

Oh, is he the one guy keeping it in business?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he's the one guy.

[Dave Anthony]

How dare you? How dare you?

[Eduardo]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He walks in and they wake up off a cot. They're like, oh, shit, someone's here. Hey, how are you? You know, this is a Taco Bell. Oh, cool.

[Dave Anthony]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you want? Yeah, we're excited.

[Dave Anthony]

Writers were sent to communities all over the west to warn them and find volunteers. So they think he has 900 men? Like, they think he's a giant army. The New Orleans Daily True Delta paper quote, we are being warred upon by atrocious savages who would as soon beat out the brains of an infant as shoot an undoubted spy. It is a war upon the American race and its full extent, no one knows.

[Eduardo]

So you guys have had the same press secretary since then?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You gotta love how we turn America into a race.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, also like we are.

[Eduardo]

Well, that's why they won, Right? Just the one race.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, it really is nuts.

[Dave Anthony]

It's nuts.

[Eduardo]

I mean, it's pronounced nueces. I'm sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nueces.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, nueces.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It really is nueces.

[Eduardo]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no. Gracias.

[Eduardo]

Then. Other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh.

[Dave Anthony]

So now. So now all over Texas, they're envisioning this murderous serape wearing Mexicans coming to kill everybody. And plans were made to.

[Eduardo]

I mean, honestly, it's because serapis or serapes are so comfortable. Like, you really feel like wanting to kill somebody when you put on one of them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Say it. Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know if you've seen Clint Eastwood, but those are ours if you don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chino.

[Dave Anthony]

Don't Chino on me, motherfucker.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't even know what we're allowed to say and not say anymore, to be quite honest with you.

[Dave Anthony]

But. But those are ours. Like, we took them back in the seventies, in the Westerns.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We took them.

[Eduardo]

You took them back? Yeah. And then we didn't reclaim them because we're like, oh, yeah, sure, you can have them. I mean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Exactly. And now we. Now we wear them in Sedona.

[Eduardo]

Exactly. You can keep them there now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't want them. He's trying to trick us.

[Dave Anthony]

No, they're ours.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

We took them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. We won. Usa. American race.

[Eduardo]

We won. I'm scared.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's pretty straightforward, dude. Everything we do is right. Everything you do is wrong.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay? Just. Just admit that you took an L.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, no, it's okay. I'm sorry, dad.

[Dave Anthony]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know why I'm getting angrier. I mean, I don't know. It's crazy. I'm furious right now.

[Eduardo]

The hat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's not helping. I'm pink hot right now, dude.

[Dave Anthony]

So people are making plans to invade Mexico, and then on October 16, John Brown attacked Harpers Ferry, Virginia. And in Texas, they thought this. In Texas, they're like, this has to be connected to Juan Cortina's race war.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's so fucking John. Brownsville.

[Dave Anthony]

God damn it. They're attacking us, whites everywhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A white guy attacking whites? Like, oh, no, it's airborne.

[Eduardo]

Wait, did the same guy that went to Corpus Christi went up and said, like, they're attacking Virginia now.

[Dave Anthony]

What the fuck? And then wildfires break out across northern Texas.

[Eduardo]

Oh, that still happens.

[Dave Anthony]

And the San Antonio Daily Herald says this has to be connected to the race war. There's just wildfires breaking out for no reason.

[Eduardo]

I like how they're so afraid. Afraid of somebody that's not them. Like, they're so afraid of somebody who's not white that they turned him into a wizard somehow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

He's just starting fires from a distance, like from hundreds of miles away. I don't know. It's amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

The Mexicans have a dragon. Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's just. It's always. It's just like Alex Jones was the first guy to put it online. They've been like, they've been doing it the whole time. You know, you got these Mexicans now, they're running like, rampant. They got big old wizard staffs and they're shooting their wizard staffs. They turn John Brown, last name Brown. Not a white guy, obviously. They turned him into a. Look at guys, a shape shifting. All right, he's a shape shifting man. Obviously. They're lighting fires. They're doing it. John Brown, Mexican. They're coming here. They're taking our Taco Bells. They're rejecting them. Taco Bell, by the way, new Pizzagate.

[Eduardo]

I think I like this Scottish guy better.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. It's not a problem.

[Dave Anthony]

Can't you see in the next, like, couple years that they think that Mexicans are invading through tunnels under Taco Bells? Couldn't you see them saying that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Eduardo]

Oh, no joke. Like a couple months ago, about half a mile from where our studio is, they found a tunnel. People were just being smuggled down there. It was fun. We lost the revenue stream, but we'll recover.

[Dave Anthony]

So an old general decides it's time to take action and to send troops from Fort Leavenworth, Kansas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is to the old general.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, like he's.

[Eduardo]

Kansas is already getting into it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They always are ready to get into it. Well, time to crack the knuckles. Went back, boys.

[Dave Anthony]

But three days later, he messages Washington, Washington, D.C. and says no, Actually, it seems like none of that stuff is happening. And he called the rumors, quote, mostly false, but the Texas Rangers are already on their way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Eduardo]

Have you read the room?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

You're about to learn.

[Eduardo]

I forgot it became illegal like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We can't read the room anymore. A literate the room.

[Dave Anthony]

So 60 Rangers arrive outside of Brownsville at 11pm on Nov. 10 and blow their bugle. And the good people of Brownsville then start shooting at them.

[Eduardo]

That still happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Checkmate, bruh.

[Dave Anthony]

So Ranger had to sneak in around the back and get into Brownsville. And he explained that they're actually Rangers. And then they were, quote, heartily welcomed by the citizens.

[Eduardo]

We're on your side. Oh, all right. Sorry. Want some Taco Bell?

[Dave Anthony]

That night, Juan's friend was dragged out of his cell by a crate. Remember he has that friend who got arrested. Yeah. So he was dragged out of a cell by a crazed mob, and they lynched him in Market Square. And the Rangers are like, we have nothing to do with it. But later it was learned that they were completely responsible. More groups of men calling themselves Rangers then begin arriving at the border. And Juan laid a trap for a group of Rangers who thought they were pursuing a small group of men. But there was an ambush, and three Rangers are killed. Several Cortanises are killed.

[Eduardo]

I was about to woo, and then I remembered I'm in Texas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You read the room?

[Dave Anthony]

It'd be amazing if it was the baseball team, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nolan Ryan's just like, nolan, you're out of your element. The catcher's just like.

[Dave Anthony]

In revenge. The Rangers attacked Santa Rita, burning homes and chasing out women and children.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice. Got him.

[Eduardo]

Yeah. I mean, they're to blame, right? All the time, like, oh, yeah, what do we do? Oh, I know. Let's go, like, burn their homes.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, look, when we save women and children, it's a big deal, but they're also, you know.

[Eduardo]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I'm just sick of them not counting the men. It's always women and children. What about the white man? How many white men died? Go ahead, read the thing.

[Dave Anthony]

None.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hurry.

[Eduardo]

No, no, let's just take it in and move on. It's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, give me the iPad. I'll read.

[Dave Anthony]

No, I will go with what my friend here says. The Rangers prepared for a large attack. Thinking they would easily take out the Cortinistas at their main camp, the Rangers had to pull back in confusion and disarray and fled down the river while being chased.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How's it going?

[Dave Anthony]

As they fled, the Mexican army was on the other riverbank and shouting, viva Cortina. And waving the Mexican flag. Imagine winning a battle and there's just guys on the other side, like, showboating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like you're Patriot fans.

[Eduardo]

It's Philadelphia all over again.

[Dave Anthony]

The Rangers attack the next day. Again they're repelled. But now the US army is on the way and the President has decided it's time. And Juan sent out another pronunciamento to fire the people up to fight to avenge their loss and land in the killings. Quote, many of you have been robbed of your property, incarcerated, chased, murdered, and hunted like wild beasts. So the local papers are horrified by this piece that he put out and said an army was on American soil under a foreign flag. And the Cortinises just keep raiding farms now and taking livestock. It's retribution.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wrestling cows.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, they're wrestling. They're wrestling cows.

[Eduardo]

It happened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I bet there were.

[Eduardo]

It's finally happened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, finally. Fuck, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

When the army arrived, they combined forces with the Rangers. Now they have their far superior weapons, but when they go to fight the Cortinistas a heavy fog hits and no one can tell who is who. And much of the fight.

[Eduardo]

Oh, they couldn't see race anymore.

[Dave Anthony]

See anybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's our worst nightmare. We are all equal. Oh, I can't tell who's dark and who's regular.

[Eduardo]

Rogan said this would happen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The book of Rogan was true. Maybe it's time for us to take an opportunity to recognize that we're all the same.

[Eduardo]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, he'll kill that one. So much of the fighting becomes hand to hand. And the Cortinista army is routed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

Many were killed. A bunch fled to Mexico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fled to Mexico.

[Dave Anthony]

And Juan took was left of his men and continued to retreat up river. And the Rangers were, quote, burning ranches and farms along the road. Friends and foes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, friends.

[Dave Anthony]

Just like. Yeah, the Rangers are just you. They're just assholes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry.

[Eduardo]

I'm just surprised the Rangers have friends.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, they murdered anyone who they thought was sympathetic to Juan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, fuck.

[Dave Anthony]

And Juan's men are also burning and plundering as they go. Both sides are just destroying everything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Perfect.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

So are we doing both sides now? Is that what we're doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, there are fine people on both sides.

[Dave Anthony]

Nobody's saying that they're an army, Major. Quote, the whole country from Brownsville to rio Grande City, 120 miles and back to the arroyo, Colorado, has been laid to waste. And then Juan Felt fled to Mexico.

[Eduardo]

No, he gets to go back to Mexico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We deported him.

[Dave Anthony]

He's been deported.

[Eduardo]

No, that's fine. I mean, just like he was received as a hero.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, tomorrow you're deported.

[Eduardo]

Oh, no, I get to go back.

[Dave Anthony]

Deported.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please let us say we're deporting you.

[Eduardo]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fills us with this weird pride.

[Eduardo]

I get to be deported back to Mexico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What airline is deporting you tomorrow? And do you have a connection during your deportation?

[Eduardo]

No, it's a non stop from Southwest. It's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Southwest deportation? Yeah. You are now not free to move about the country.

[Dave Anthony]

So it's a thorough US Victory. And when word reached Matamoros, there was a large demonstration where they shouted, death to the gringos. In Texas.

[Eduardo]

Muert Elos, gringos. Muerte. Oh, wait. I like how there's a few people here who understand what I'm saying. They're really excited.

[Dave Anthony]

Some people are very excited.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A shocking number of people kill us. Hurry, hurry. Yeah, it has to happen. It has to happen soon. Soon.

[Dave Anthony]

In Texas, they call it a great victory for civilization.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, fuck me.

[Eduardo]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Unreal.

[Dave Anthony]

And they believe peace would now return.

[Eduardo]

Return. It wasn't even there in the first place.

[Dave Anthony]

But Cortnesis remained active in Texas. They still had a lot of support in Mexico. And it becomes a guerrilla war. And most people in the valley still supported and aided Juan Cortina. Most of the Mexican military still supported him. And Juan was seen in Matamoros walking about freely and recruiting men. And one day, shots from a riverboat rained down on a ranch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello? Guess what, baby?

[Eduardo]

Ay, vios mio.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I dug up a howlet time. Now I've got toys. Oh, bloody hell. The boat's taking on water. Shit.

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it I died and now I'm a zombie.

[Eduardo]

Is it all in your head?

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. He just wakes up. He's been bitten by a weird fly.

[Eduardo]

Oh, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah, the craziest dream. Push the howlitzer in the river.

[Dave Anthony]

So shots from riverboat rain down on a ranch as it's passing. And men at the ranch start shooting back. Turns out it was rangers on the riverboat. But word spreads that an innocent riverboat was attacked by Cortinistas. And that leads to 40 rangers invading Mexico. So this gets the filibusters excited.

[Eduardo]

That still happens. I don't want to say it anymore.

[Dave Anthony]

This gets all this.

[Eduardo]

I took no pleasure in saying it anymore, but it still happens.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, well, you know, your fault. This gets the filibusters excited.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your head has slowly dropped to the other side.

[Eduardo]

I'm sorry, dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every unmotivated attack.

[Dave Anthony]

So filibusters get excited, believing it means war. And then they can start crossing the river to seize ferry boats and taking land. And the U.S. army has to tell them there is no war and they have to stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop. Please.

[Eduardo]

Say that again, because that sounds insane. The US army said so there's. The US army had to tell them to stop.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, because there's a bunch of filibusters.

[Gareth Reynolds]

U.S. army intervened with peace.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

U.S. army. Yeah. The U.S. army's like, all right, calm down.

[Eduardo]

No, when the U.S. army tells you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To calm down, violence doesn't solve everything. We're the Pentagon.

[Eduardo]

So it's the worst shape.

[Dave Anthony]

So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is a weird one. We came up with too many sides. Yeah. Not in war.

[Dave Anthony]

So Juan is basically dragging Mexico into a war with the US And Mexico sends General Garcia to arrest Juan. And the General comes back to Mexico City and said, quote, he saw nothing of Juan. But he also told the Americans where Juan is.

[Eduardo]

No, I think. I believe he said, I saw no Juan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a great one.

[Dave Anthony]

But he also told the Americans where Juan's Camp was. And so the Rangers crossed the border again.

[Eduardo]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That made up for the woo over there. Good.

[Eduardo]

I'm getting them on my side now. Thank you, Juan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By Juan.

[Eduardo]

Oh, my God. That is so funny and so racist.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm allowed right now.

[Dave Anthony]

Take it easy, Chino. But they confuse the Mahamoros Mexican National Guard with wands men, and attack them. So the race.

[Eduardo]

We will look the same to you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no. There was a fog. There was a fog. Motherfucker. It was one of those fogs they got over there.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, look at all these goddamn horns.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a fog. It was another one of those racial fogs. Fog of war.

[Dave Anthony]

And then the Rangers stole all the nearby. Nearby livestock they could and went back to the US So just. It's a crime. That's just massive crime.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shocking.

[Dave Anthony]

Next, the Rangers crossed the border and attacked Reynosa. But there were no Cortanistas, just angry villagers in the Mexican National Guard telling them to get the fuck out of Mexico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's war.

[Dave Anthony]

So everything's getting super chaotic. And the Rangers are.

[Eduardo]

It's barely getting chaotic. Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just started.

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

And the US has to respond. And they decide to send Colonel Robert E. Lee.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, fuck. What the fuck?

[Dave Anthony]

Solved the racism problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I heard there. Did somebody order extreme racism? Allow me to put a little oil on the racial fires.

[Dave Anthony]

So Lee gets there and he demands Mexico arrest all Cortinistas. And an army major said the Rangers were clearly trying to start a war. And at Reynosa, they shot at any Mexican going to the river for water. And then the city put cannons in position to fire back at the Rangers.

[Eduardo]

Viva Mexico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is like Rocky 4.

[Eduardo]

We don't take no shit unless you tell us to take it.

[Dave Anthony]

So Sam Houston has sworn in as Texas governor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold off.

[Dave Anthony]

He does say that Mexican Texans are being stereotyped as criminals and that they are actually, quote, good and true citizens of who should be treated as such by all Texians.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But, Dave, why not Texicans?

[Dave Anthony]

That's what it said in the thing. I don't know. Texians pops up at some point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Texians.

[Dave Anthony]

Texians.

[Eduardo]

Texians. Yeah. That's when. Back when they were like their own country. Right? Where they wanted to be their own thing.

[Dave Anthony]

Is that what it is when you guys were your own country, you were Texians.

[Eduardo]

Immigrants from America that live in Texas were Texan.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sir, do you want a mic?

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. So the.

[Eduardo]

Show off.

[Dave Anthony]

So the Texans.

[Eduardo]

Not for long. You're not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've been doged. Sir.

[Dave Anthony]

So all the immigrants into Texas Are Texians Tejanos?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think you're allowed to say that term, sir, but thank you for trying.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, now explain Chinos, motherfucker.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You racists. Oh, they're lazy. Wow. Unbelievable. Crazy. It's crazy.

[Eduardo]

That's what happens, man. Mexicans get into the US and they forget where they came from.

[Dave Anthony]

So Houston sends commissioners to the border, and people are not very happy about that. Sure, the people thought they would negotiate with Juan. The Commission.

[Eduardo]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

And people in Brownsville just want vengeance. They don't want to negotiate. They're also shocked to learn the Rangers, quote, were burning ranches and hanging and shooting Mexicans without authority by law, and are more dreaded than Cortina. So the commission comes down to find out, like, what's this fucking Mexican guy doing? And they find out that the Rangers are actually the problem.

[Eduardo]

That still happens.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, what's more shocking, that it's happening or that they're surprised that it's happening?

[Dave Anthony]

What? And many filibusters had actually come from around the country and were there and ready to invade Mexico, which included pro southern men who wanted to turn Mexico into a slave empire. Kind of. We.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, we call that outsourcing nowadays.

[Dave Anthony]

But also at the same time, Juan Cortina had inflamed deep seated anger of many lowly rancheros. So the commissioners quickly concluded that if something was not done, the situation would turn into a, quote, war of the races again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We want that.

[Eduardo]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

They believe the US should take possession of a large, large border sections of Mexico to stop it. So their solution is, like, take over.

[Eduardo]

Oh, their solution was to make us the 51st part of it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. To take a bunch of it. Yeah.

[Eduardo]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're welcome.

[Dave Anthony]

It's like, oh, we got. It's like what we have to do with Canada, right?

[Eduardo]

No, I'm no longer welcome. That's the problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, sorry, I misunderstood.

[Dave Anthony]

You're not welcome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's. That. Will they, won't they? We have with Canada right now.

[Dave Anthony]

The legislature gave Houston authorization to raise a calvary, and many congressmen wanted Houston to act and, quote, punish Mexico, which I agree with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Always have.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, punishment will always have. The solution is punish me, Daddy.

[Eduardo]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

Punish Mexico? Yeah, always punish Mexico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, worst case, it's something to do, you know?

[Eduardo]

I mean, you guys don't know this, but they charged me a tariff for this beer.

[Dave Anthony]

It's.

[Eduardo]

Somehow, you're paying for it. I don't get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's gonna work out. Trust me. We're paying for your beer. But we're gonna be tired of winning.

[Eduardo]

Exhausted.

[Dave Anthony]

But then the US army headquarters sent word to DC in mid March that Juan Cortina had left the border and the war on the Rio Grande was over. So Houston had missed his window to invade Mexico. Oh, no, it's sad. And he stated now he had to state that filibusters gathered there were in violation of the law. And so all the filibusters start drifting north, and they're sad. And then the Rangers start also moving north. And Texans learn of all the devastation that has happened on the Rio Grande Valley. They had burned Santa Rito and Rancho del Carmen, and rumors start that they had violated Juan's wife and daughter. And though Houston confided in a State Department man sent to observe that he was still itching for a war with Mexico, he wrote to the President, quote, all that prevents Governor Houston from moving on Mexico with a major force is money and a justifiable pretext.

[Eduardo]

Oh, they wanted to actually justify the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thing in our own way. In our way where we're like, oh, yeah, wow.

[Dave Anthony]

If he kept up fighting, Houston would have invaded. Like, he would have gotten his invasion. But now the Mexican military is cooperating with the American military. Juan Cortina moved his family into the Burgos mountains in the south, and the Mexicans promised the US they would find him and arrest him. And though pro war papers tried to rile things up, an American officer wrote in July 1860 that the Rio Grande Valley was, quote, unquote, perfectly quiet since the departure of the Rangers. The paper still blamed any crime that occurred on Juan. And Juan, however, joined with the liberal army of Benito Juarez to fight against the conservative army generals Miguel Miramon and Leonardo Marquez. And for now, there would be no war with America.

[Eduardo]

Right? Yeah. You know, actually, the city where I come from is named Juarez because of Benito Juarez, the guy that he went to fight with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really?

[Eduardo]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

You named Benito Juarez?

[Eduardo]

Yeah, because, I mean, he became, like, the savior of Mexico. He was an asshole, and he was also tiny. But at some point during the revolution, because we had the Mexican independence in 1810, and then by 1910, like, you know, Benito Juarez was like. Was, like, right there by the middle. But then when the revolution was happening in 1910, because we had some asshole dictator for a while, I don't know if you know what that's like, but. But, like, the. The capital of Mexico kept moving, and for a while, Ciudad Juarez was the capital of Mexico.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, really?

[Eduardo]

Yeah. And then it went downhill, literally.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you moved it downhill a little bit.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Eduardo]

I mean, I'm pretty sure the Mexican history teacher knows it better than.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do, but is he right, sir?

[Eduardo]

Oh, he's Texas. Oh, yeah. You're in Texas history now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's not aligned with you anymore. He's like, easy. Build a wall between our friendship.

[Eduardo]

A brick barricade.

[Dave Anthony]

So the source was Cortina, defending the Mexican name in Texas by Jerry Thompson.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's hilarious that it's by a guy named Jerry Thompson. Hi, my name is Jerry Thompson, and let me tell you about Gordino. And in Mexico. I've really got this down.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, that's just what is called the Gartino War. But you could actually do. I mean, it goes on for, like. Then there's more fighting and stuff. And the Mexicans are fighting amongst these people seem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's.

[Dave Anthony]

It's. It like, at some point, I decided to cut it off because it's just like. It doesn't even. It stops making sense. No, I mean, I don't know who's fighting who anymore.

[Eduardo]

Did it ever make sense to begin with?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Unlike now. It makes a lot of sense.

[Dave Anthony]

It makes so much sense. But, yeah, we almost went to another war with Mexico and almost. I'm sad that Sam Houston did not get to have his war. I think we all are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And now we're in Houston.

[Eduardo]

I only have one thing to say. Be my Mexico.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, no, not in America, you motherfucker.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get him. Someone else do it. I'm sitting. Well, I think it just puts a finer point on everything that's always been going on, which is that.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, all this stuff is new. That's happening now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

And white people are pretty normal.

[Eduardo]

Yeah, you guys are great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we're definitely.

[Dave Anthony]

We don't get panicked over nothing. It's not our thing. It's not something we do all the time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There should just be, like, a mass therapy where we just, like, in a room, like, hey, what is this? I was told there'd be marshmallows and giant Cougar Mellencamp. And then, like, the door locks and it's like, you guys are. You gotta fucking deal with some shit real quick. Gonna watch history. This is our land. Quiet.

[Eduardo]

If you come at me with John Cougar Mellencamp, you understand why we invented accordion rock, right?

[Dave Anthony]

Wow. Now we have to invade Mexico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, honestly, that statement was an act of war. And how dare you. Thank you guys for coming out. Give it up for Eduardo Espanitos, everybody.

[Eduardo]

Gracias, Houston, Mexico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Gracias. All right, doll heads. Hope you're loving the dollop. I know I am. I don't know what episode this is. Anyway, listen, it's me, Gareth. I am on the road doing stand up comedy, which I know you all love. If you would like to see me, go to garethreynolds.com I'm going to be everywhere. Let's party. On July 24th, I will be at the Improv in Irvine, California on August 5th, I'll be in Nashville at Zany's Lexington, Kentucky and Comedy Off Broadway on August 6th. August 7th, I'll be in Huntsville, Alabama. Then I got a couple nights over at the Comedy Catch in Chattanooga, Tennessee, August 8th through August 9th. I'll be in Atlanta, Georgia, August 10th. Then I'll be at the Comedy Fort in Fort Collins. Last year we broke the alcohol sales record. Let's do it again. That is August 22nd through the 23rd. And then I will be in Bozeman, Montana, September 5th through September 6th. That's Bozeman, Montana. Last best comedy. Then excited for a weekend at the Comedy Club of Kansas City. September 26th through the 27th, I'll be in Columbia, Missouri. September 28th, I'll be in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, September 30th. Come on, Milwaukee, you're my home place. I'll be at the skyline comedy club October 1st in Appleton, Wisconsin, Fort Wayne, Indiana. I'm gonna be there two shows on October 3rd. And then I will be at the den in Chicago, Illinois on October 4th. And finally, Sunnyvale, California, November 6th through the 8th at Rooster T. Feathers. Garethreynolds.com for tickets and information. Let's go. You're part of the Gare force. Whoops. I almost messed that up.