703 - William Penn Patrick

Summary

The Dollop #703 - William Patrick Penn

Release date: September 30, 2025
Hosts: Dave Anthony (A), Gareth Reynolds (B)

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Overview

This episode of The Dollop dives into the bizarre life and career of William Penn Patrick—failed salesman, self-help evangelist, far-right political candidate, and most infamously, a pioneering architect of multi-level marketing (MLM) and pyramid scheme excess in mid-twentieth-century America. Dave and Gareth unpack Patrick’s erratic path from humble beginnings, through dubious business ventures, right-wing radicalism, and legally dubious “leadership seminars” involving everything from pyramid cosmetics to literally caging and humiliating his followers. The tale is both cautionary and absurd, with the hosts riffing on everything from throat oil to pyramid schemes to nude fight clubs.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Early Life and Self-Mythologizing

• Humble Beginnings—Or Not?
  • William Penn Patrick was born in 1930 in rural North Carolina, claimed to have left home at 15 with only $5 and his clothes.
  • His father contradicted this story:

    “He was no poor boy. He left home because he wanted to.” (B, 04:35)

  • Patrick later described himself as a fearful adolescent who conquered his fears by “attacking shit” (B, 05:04).

2. Military Service and Dubious Credentials

• Enlisted in the Air Force, served in the Korean War—but as a veterinary technician, not a pilot.
  • Leads to comedy on being a “veteran veterinarian,” with Dave riffing:

    “I served in Korea. I was a vet. Veterinary. Veteran veterinarian.” (A, 06:29)

• The hosts find humor in the military’s odd animal uses, notably the failed pigeon-guided missile project.
  • “They put pigeons in missiles... the pigeons be like, all right, doing good.” (A, 07:54)

3. Failed Businesses and the Garage Sale Turning Point

• Multiple failed ventures: pots and pans, jewelry, wigs, gas stations—“He failed at everything he tried.” (B, 13:56)
• At 33, Patrick buys $16,000 worth of fruit-scented cosmetics at a San Rafael garage sale—Holiday Magic is born.
  • “Some women were selling an industrial amount of fruit-scented cosmetics.” (B, 15:18)
  • Dave is incredulous:

    “Strawberry frappe cleanser? That is so confusing.” (A, 16:46)

4. Launching Holiday Magic—The Pyramid Scheme Empire

• The MLM Model:
  • Holiday Magic operated with “Holiday Girls” who went door to door or threw makeup parties.
  • Entry as a “master distributor” cost $35,000 (today’s money).
  • General distributors and executives bought in at even higher costs—up to the million-dollar tier at the top, with Patrick as supreme overlord.

    “So it’s a pyramid scheme. It’s just $35,000 and then I just have to get 10 people to do the same thing under me. Do do do do do. That’s the magic.” (A, 19:33)

• Patrick started a cascade of other businesses using the same model—clothing, fuel additives (“diesel sprinkles”).
  • Dave observes:

    “Notice they put a pyramid on money. ’Cause the whole thing’s fuckin’ bullshit, dude.” (A, 24:39)

• Promise vs. Reality:
  • Holiday Magic ads promised immense wealth for part-time work; the scheme was built on selling the opportunity itself.

5. Politics, Paranoia, and Right-wing Extremism

• Runs for Governor (1966) against Reagan—From the Right:
  • Receives less than 2% of the vote, blames pollsters for “burying” him, and accuses them of corruption.

    “Very Trumpy. People saw that I was doing shitty, so I did shitty.” (A, 27:16)

• Ultra-Right Allies and Views:
  • Sues unions, pals around with figures in the paramilitary Minutemen and the John Birch Society.
  • Gareth on the far right’s conspiratorial mindset:

    “They just… right-wing people just sit around going ‘communist’ like they just…” (B, 32:14)

  • The Minutemen’s propaganda is mocked for its paranoia (e.g., “That fountain pen… might be a cyanide gas gun” (B, 33:09)).
• Association with Segregationists:
  • Ties with George Wallace, failed Patriot Party ambitions, entrenched in John Birch radicalism.

6. The Bizarre Self-Help Empire: Mind Dynamics and Leadership Dynamics

• Self-Empowerment & Pseudo-Scientific Jargon:
  • Mind Dynamics claimed to boost IQ, reading speed, healing, and even extrasensory perception by “turning on your alpha brain waves.” (B, 46:34)
• Mandatory, Extreme “Leadership” Training:
  • Holiday Magic employees were required to pay $10,000 for “Leadership Dynamics” seminars, featuring radical honesty and humiliation.
    • Nude encounter groups, physical violence, cage confinement, being peed on, eating vomit, being tied to crosses, or locked in coffins—cited by court testimony and sources.
    • “How else can you become a leader except we put in a cage and have another man pee on you.” (B, 52:12)
    • On the cross: “Patrick made sure to tell the court that no one was nailed to the cross, by the way. They were just tied there for hours and hours.” (B, 56:14)
    • “In one session, a man was forced to perform a blowjob on a dildo while women who were attending a separate class were brought in to watch.” (B, 57:06)
• Patrick’s defense: total denial, or strange justification.
  • “Well… there are a lot of men that come to class that have forgotten how to use theirs.” (B, 58:31)

7. The Collapse—Legal Troubles, Lawsuits, Tragedies

• Regulatory Action:
  • Holiday Magic judged an unfair and deceptive marketing scheme; refunds ordered (1973).
  • SEC finds $1.6 billion (today’s value) in fraud.

    “In order for all the investors to bring in six figures a year, every single person in America would need to be recruited.” (B, 64:01)

• Tragedy Through Aviation:
  • Patrick’s passion for planes resulted in further disaster—founding Spectrum Air (vintage plane rentals and repair).
  • Planes crash post-repair; one fatally into an ice cream parlor, killing 22 (mostly children). (B, 65:07)
  • Cost Patrick tens of millions in lawsuits.
• Desperate Counteroffensive:
  • As lawsuits mount, Patrick sues prosecutors, runs ads likening himself to a lynching victim, accuses prosecution of political motivation.

8. Inevitable Downfall—Death in a Crash

• On the brink of ruin, Patrick dies in a plane crash—hosts note poetic justice.
  • Gareth: “Normalize… We have to be allowed to cheer when they die.” (A, 71:02)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the absurdity of the pyramid scheme:

  • “So there’s one guy at the top and then a few, and then a dozen, and then a bunch and then a shitload and then the rest.” – Dave (A), 20:30

• On the extremity of the “leadership” seminars:

  • “How else can you become a leader except we put in a cage and have another man pee on you.” – Dave (A), 52:12
  • “At some point, they just start punching more, ‘cause they’re getting hard.” – Dave (A), 51:21

• On Patrick’s defense of caging/coffins:

  • “Well, let me say this. If they did [put a claustrophobic person in a coffin], they got over it.” – Patrick (quoted by B), 55:51

• Blunt summary of American pyramid schemes:

  • “Notice they put a pyramid on money. ‘Cause the whole thing's fucking bullshit, dude.” – Dave (A), 24:39

• On right-wing paranoia:

  • “See that old man at the corner? …He may have a silencer-equipped pistol under his coat.” – Minutemen sticker (B, 32:39)
  • “[They] just sit around going communist like they just…” – Gareth (B), 32:14

• On tragic justice:

  • “This is a guy who's fucking enjoying himself... On the... In the middle of the worst moment of his personal and professional life, Patrick's plane crashed into a field...killing him and his passengers.” – (B, 70:41)
  • “We have to be allowed to cheer when they die... It's such a billionaire kind of passed away today... No need to be rude to the man who died and made a guy eat his own piss puke.“ – Gareth (A), 71:02

• Patrick’s own words (just before his death, from his writing):

  • “There is absolutely nothing wrong with being wealthy. God, you have made me an eagle... I will soar above the mountains and clouds...” – Patrick (quoted by B), 72:15

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Patrick’s exaggerated self-myth (rags-to-riches): 03:57–05:04
• Military “veterinarian” and pigeon missiles: 06:05–08:38
• Failed business after failed business: 12:27–14:06
• Birth of Holiday Magic & garage sale cosmetics: 15:18–16:33
• MLM/Pyramid scheme structure explained: 19:26–20:38
• Attack on “salaried mediocrity” (company magazine quote): 22:13–22:55
• Holiday Magic’s legal downfall: 63:11–64:01
• Description of “leadership” seminars and abuses: 49:30–58:28
• Fatal plane crash and poetic justice: 70:33–71:45
• Patrick’s final hubristic quote: 72:15
• Epilogue/Reflection: 73:46–75:08

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Tone and Delivery

• Dave and Gareth turn the bleakness and absurdity of Patrick’s saga into fast-paced, surreal comedy. Their banter alternates between ridicule, incredulity, and darkly funny asides—puncturing the arrogance and cruelty at the root of American MLM culture and right-wing excess.
• Their style keeps the episode engaging and accessible, even when the historical subject matter gets grotesquely extreme.

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Final Reflection

The saga of William Penn Patrick is the story of American hustle run amok: a man who sold the dream of boundless wealth and self-mastery, all the while preying on the vulnerable and leaving a path of destruction that stretched from cosmetics parties to tragic death. Patrick’s mix of self-delusion, toxic individualism, and penchant for excess—and the people willing to believe him—make for an episode as hilarious as it is horrifying.

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Research by Josh Androwski. Sources include Mental Floss, New York Times, and multiple newspapers and magazines.

Transcript

[A]

Hey. Hi. Thank you, guys. This is awesome. We probably should have had him announce us because the energy felt pretty bad, to be honest with you. Everyone felt really confused. But we stopped touching microphones. So, yeah, we do it like a press conference of the enormous. So just imagine if we were giants who are declaring our eligibility for a certain sport. So thank you guys for coming out tonight, and real quick, keep it going for us. How awesome are we? This is just crazy. We've been doing this show for 28 years. We voted for Reagan. We started the show when we regretted it. And we're so back.

[B]

Hello. Yeah, we love being back in Sackville.

[A]

Don't even.

[B]

We were driving over and I was telling Gareth that some parts look like 1996 Russia. And I think that's pretty cool. Just a guy walking across the street. Don't worry about traffic. Just go ahead and have a saunter.

[A]

No, he had that. Indiana Jones, Last Crusade. The penitent man shall pass. Why Jesus Christ, sir. There's like a whole city around you. And he was like, I got this. And everyone's like, you. We don't want to kill a man today. So we'll.

[B]

I guess. Well, that's how you learn. You do it once and you're like. They all stop.

[A]

Totally. Be careful. Yeah, that's true.

[B]

And the liquor's right over there, so you gotta. Or liquor, crack, meth.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Yeah. No one's doing liquor anymore. It's all. You're listening to the Dollop. Oh, yeah. So an American history podcast. Ah, fuck.

[A]

Luke.

[B]

I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American History.

[A]

Luke went to the Sharper Image and got us. Got us a couple room deodorizers. So, you guys, it's like if a shit show ate a mess. This is great. Right in the. The middle of the intro's perfect too, right?

[B]

So. So classic Luke. And then he just dropped it. Did you see it? He dropped it and the bottom came off like. He's like, I'm Luke Smash. How's it going?

[A]

Good.

[B]

Do you want to say anything?

[A]

Hi, Sacramento.

[B]

Sexy little voice. He has a cute little bitch.

[A]

All right, action. Miss Jenny Moore.

[B]

March 31, 1930. William Penn Patrick was born on a dirt farm in Lee's Mill Township, which is a tiny town in eastern North Carolina. Not much is known about William's childhood, but when he was 15, he dropped out of high school, borrowed five bucks, and left his impoverish home.

[A]

Okay, what year are we in?

[B]

We are in 1930.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So.

[A]

So nice. Yeah, things are good. Five bucks is like, whoa, holy shit.

[B]

I'm gonna buy a house.

[A]

The Roaring twenties are back.

[B]

So in his own words, quote, all I had was the clothes I could get into a cardboard box.

[A]

Didn't everyone say that in the 30s? Isn't that how they all say it? Like, everyone was like, all I had was a handful of clothes, one mitten, and five dollars, and now I'm rich. And now look at all these potatoes.

[B]

His father disagreed, telling Newsweek, quote, he was no poor boy.

[A]

See, that's what I'm saying. They all fucking did was like, either the snow or it was like, all I had, I had in my arms.

[B]

His father told Newsweek he was no poor boy. He left home because he wanted to.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

So Patrick says that during his adolescence, he was, quote, a very scared young man. I'm still scared about some things, but the only way to remove fear is to attack shit.

[A]

So it started off, I was like, that's every teenager's experience. And I was like, well, that's not how I felt. I was like, I'll do theater. You need to kill people. Dang. So we're going with Patrick. That's his name?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, Patrick. So he joins U.S. air Force. He served in the Korean War and rose in the ranks to become a staff sergeant.

[A]

All right. Which is like a manager. That's what. Whenever I worked in restaurants, that's what I would call the manager. You're the staff sergeant. Stop calling me that. I will disobey your order.

[B]

So this is probably where he developed his lifelong obsession.

[A]

Here we go. Here it is. Yep.

[B]

Go ahead with planes.

[A]

There we go. Not. All right.

[B]

Especially fighter planes.

[A]

Okey dokey.

[B]

But Patrick did not fly a single mission in the war because he was in the veterinary service.

[A]

That when he got out, that must have been so confusing for him to be like, I'm a veteran veterinarian. What did you do?

[B]

I worked with cats and hamsters.

[A]

Yeah. I served in Korea. I was a vet. Veterinary. Veteran veterinarian.

[B]

So call me a vet vet.

[A]

Yep. So I was what we call a petarian. I. It's tough lot.

[B]

I mean, you petted the.

[A]

No, Like, I worked with house pets. But I have since been discharged.

[B]

For.

[A]

What was I discharged for?

[B]

Yeah. Being slow at thinking of stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Animals were used in the Korean War.

[A]

By the Air Force.

[B]

By the Air Force. Mostly dogs to guard bases. And they did try a Mostly dog.

[A]

What else were they using? Snakes, foxes, this turtle.

[B]

And they did try.

[A]

Look at all these shell. That could get confusing over time. Think about it.

[B]

They did try A pigeon guided missile once.

[A]

Dude, I read. I told you about that on an episode. That is the craziest shit in the world. What they were doing. Do you have what they did? They put pigeons in missiles, and the pigeons were, like, trained to, like, keep pecking towards the axe. Yeah. And so, like, the pigeons be like, all right, all right, doing good. It was like, you fucking. No, it's over.

[B]

How many times would a pigeon fly? A pigeon fly a mission?

[A]

I don't think they did it too many times because I think. And they were like, they're not focused enough at the end, they.

[B]

So by pecking it, are they.

[A]

What's the.

[B]

Is it pigeon powered by pecking?

[A]

No. Well, no, it's just dropping. So the pigeons are just in it, but they're, like, moving it closer to the X that it wants to go to. So they drop it. And then the pigeon is like, someone online is gonna be like, Garrus Folkmorin. But they were, like, moving it towards the target it was going for by trying to, like, peck at the X. And it was, like, controlling it a little bit.

[B]

That's cool.

[A]

You're allowed to react. You don't have to apologize.

[B]

People.

[A]

That's okay.

[B]

People are cool.

[A]

I like that you found it interesting, which I liked.

[B]

I like the things that humans come.

[A]

Up with, and I feel like B.F. skinner came up with it, but maybe I'm also crazy.

[B]

But Patrick didn't have anything to do with the animals. His job was to make sure the food was clean.

[A]

Jesus Christ. What a fuck. This is the job you want in the war?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Cleaning the house.

[A]

Their kibble's ready.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you wash it? I shined for sure.

[B]

Shined it up good.

[A]

I shined it up nice. You should see how shiny that wet food is.

[B]

Once his time in the Air Force was up, he moved to Sacramento to go to college.

[A]

You're definitely gonna be happy with that.

[B]

Which he did not love. Home of the A's. Quote, we're not quote. We're educated not to believe in ourselves. And most people are afraid of life. Fortunately, the education didn't take.

[A]

Swear to God, every time I'm done with this guy, he pulls me back in. The education did not take. I'm allergic to stuff.

[B]

So when he was 20 years old, he created. He came up with a master career plan, which you do at 20. That's how you do it for sure. First step, become a multi millionaire.

[A]

Boom. Step two, enjoy the fuck out of that. Step three, See? Step one. Fuck all right.

[B]

Second step, become the governor of California.

[A]

Boom. Suck it.

[B]

Third step, the White House.

[A]

Boom.

[B]

From there he began a string of failed business operations.

[A]

Boom. Step one and a half. Step point five, fail a bunch. Step four, run this subway to the ground. Step five, get asked to leave this subway restaurant. Step six, I stole some baked lays. Step seven, I'm banging the empty bag of lays. I got lazed. Step eight, Sheriff. Step nine, made a fecal poster in my cell.

[B]

A fecal poster.

[A]

Step 10, looking for. Step 9.

[B]

Do you know what businesses are?

[A]

Step 11, figure out what businesses. Step. Step. Dad won't bail me out.

[B]

So he sold pots and pans to people on a military base.

[A]

Wow. It's just next president. Do you guys need any pots and pans? No. What about you guys? Any pots and pans? Buddy, get out of here for the last time.

[B]

You guys just came back from the war. Would you like a pan?

[A]

Are you guys looking to baby bake some pastas or a soup?

[B]

I could clean your Rabbit's food.

[A]

Step 15. Oh no.

[B]

Is he old now?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

After the pots and pans, he ran a gas station.

[A]

That's more straightforward. I mean, that's way like Benny going on a military base to sell pots and pans.

[B]

Then he went door to door selling jewelry.

[A]

See, now we're back. That's.

[B]

Then he ran a wig shop.

[A]

What I gotta say, as funny as it really says a lot about the job market back then. Because now it's like, do you want to do doordash? Back then he was like, ah, sell pots and pans. I ran a gas station. Now I'm a wigsman.

[B]

He failed at everything he tried. He a dozen or more ventures, he just kept failing. So Patrick now thinks that he is a loser.

[A]

Well, I feel bad for him, but also, you know.

[B]

Until one day at the age of 33 when he walked by a garage sale in San Rafael, California. Oh, shit. That's where I'm from. Right near where I'm.

[A]

A garage sale. Changing your life is nice.

[B]

You ever been to a San Rafael garage sale? There's no fucking joke.

[A]

All right? Ask you to calm the fuck down.

[B]

There's no fucking joke.

[A]

You guys have your little.

[B]

Have your little Wisconsin garage sales.

[A]

Would you like a casserole pan?

[B]

The fuck.

[A]

First of all, that's an estate sale. Nobody's selling that when they're alive. People in Wisconsin are laughing so, so hard at your selling a casserole pan.

[B]

Do you know what?

[A]

Believe me, if you sold it, it would be called a casserole. Cause that's what's rolling in. Thank you.

[B]

So some women were selling an industrial amount of fruit scented cosmetics.

[A]

What? Where are we headed?

[B]

Oh my God. It's like I fell into gold.

[A]

I thought this guy was gonna like fly a plan. So a fruit scented cosmetics?

[B]

Fucking ain't right. Okay, how would you like a banana mascara?

[A]

Step 42, strawberry lip gloss.

[B]

So they had a company, Zoleen, and it was going out of business, so they were liquidating everything. However, despite all of his business failures, Patrick was able to pony up $16,000.

[A]

What the fuck?

[B]

Today's money's about 166,000.

[A]

This garage sale was like, Jesus Christ. Act calm, Joyce. Act calm.

[B]

He bought?

[A]

Yes. That's a fair offer? Absolutely. Good negotiating. Step 51. Fucking idiots.

[B]

So he buys all the makeup and he starts a new company. Holiday Magic. Holiday Magic had nothing to do with Christmas. Its inventory consisted of fruit laden products like strawberry frappe cleanser.

[A]

Strawberry frappe cleanser? That is so confusing. Be like putting on my fruit like this is strange.

[B]

Moon magic, Face powder, Fruit Tang, Skin toner.

[A]

Why does each one of these keep sounding like something below the belt? Wait, the moon powder's for your face? I put on some Tang Magic. It burns.

[B]

Of course. Lemon delight, Eye and throat oil.

[A]

Throat oil?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Girl, that sounds like a little piece of paper. That would be like an ad out of Playboy. Throat oil. That's interesting.

[B]

Hey, what do you do with throat oil?

[A]

Oh, you just gotta throw it down your. You throw it in your throat. It really keeps your throat nice and moist.

[B]

Well, it's pretty moist in there already.

[A]

Oh, buddy, you think that. I remember I used to be like you, and I was like, yeah, my throat's fine. No, it was like sand in there. Then I started using Holiday Magic. Lemon scented throat oil. Yeah. I swear to God, I'm swallowing cucumbers without chewing. I went down to the construction site. They're putting an extension on my house for free.

[B]

Wait a minute.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What does that have to do with truck?

[A]

Well, it's just. It slips down there. And those guys are kind of pervy. So sometimes I just go down there and I'll just swallow hot dogs or cucumbers without a bite. Just so the things glide down like they're a bullet train. And they come out the same way too. Holiday magic. Okey dokey.

[B]

Instead of a more traditional business model, Patrick went with something different. At the top of his organization were the Holiday Girls who would go door to door or throw makeup parties for bored housewives.

[A]

Oh, wow. What a nightmare.

[B]

It's upsetting.

[A]

Ready for a party? Come on, everyone. Let's use some throat oil. Who's that man in your bushes? Step 61.

[B]

A holiday girl could spend 4,500 or around 35,000 today to become a master distributor.

[A]

So it's a pyramid scheme. So he started a holiday magic pyramid scheme. It's just $35,000 and then I just have to get 10 people to do the same thing under me. Do, do, do, do do. That's the magic.

[B]

And then they all had their own team of holiday girls. Above them were general distributors who had a team of master distributors.

[A]

Hold on, what's that for me? No, no, wait, keep going. Cause it's sort of starting to slim down, roll wide.

[B]

And to get there, it would cost you today's equivalent of around 70,000.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

One level up there is a small group of the best salesmen who are now executives who had SAL of 100,000, which is around a million in 2025 money. And sitting at the very tippy top was Patrick.

[A]

Right. So there's one guy at the top and then a few, and then a dozen, and then a bunch and then a shitload and then the rest.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Structurally that thing's not going anywhere. That's the foundation I can live with.

[B]

There's an ad in the Miami news, quote, how would you like to make 108,000 this year in your spare time? Nonsense. No magic. Holiday magic to be exact.

[A]

Okay, yeah. I'd be like, oh no.

[B]

What do you want to make a hundredth and eight thousand part time?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Chug this lemon throat oil.

[A]

Where? You lost me.

[B]

You want to go out on my boat?

[A]

What? No. What do you mean?

[B]

I keep fucking up this part.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, sorry.

[B]

You can make money. I got confused.

[A]

I don't. I'm not going out on your boat. Are you nodding like I don't know? No, no, no. I'm certainly out. That was crazy. Hey, but I'm still here. Cause this era's the worst.

[B]

Thanks to this unique business model. And it is unique at the time.

[A]

Is it? That's the fuck. You gotta love that. The first people that came up with the pyramid scheme were like, that's awesome. These people are idiots.

[B]

So Patrick didn't need to give a shit about how much makeup he sold. The real money was coming from the people who wanted to sell, sell it.

[A]

Oh, genius.

[B]

And with the promise of making 100,000 a year, they were lining up to pay for the privilege. And he wrote to his employees about their arrangement in a company Magazine with a piece called Sovereignty, Sovereignty. Quote. Measure your independence against the salaried employee of any company. Compare your growth, your income and your opportunities with their security. Would you like to be limited to a salaried security. And menial mediocrity salary.

[A]

Would you like to be limited to a salaried. Security is so funny.

[B]

Yeah. Would you like to.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. To know what I'm gonna make. Absolutely. That's really good.

[B]

Would you like security?

[A]

No, no, no. I want unpredictability. Live out on the edge where everything can fall apart. In the security of roulette.

[B]

You could be really rich but have the floor ripped out from under you at any moment.

[A]

Wow. Ok, wait. You're the guy about the boat earlier. Now.

[B]

Did you consider the throat?

[A]

Yeah, I thought about it. Oh, I am. Yeah. My husband said that's fucking crazy. Not that I only listen to him. I'm also very independently minded.

[B]

I have so many cucumbers to get rid of. This triangle shaped business model was unbelievably successful. So he started countless other companies with the exact same business model.

[A]

Fucking awesome. Awesome.

[B]

Selling clothing, vitamins, door to door fuel additives. Like everything.

[A]

Door to door fuel additives. It's called diesel sprinkles. This is. You know how Jimmy's make ice cream better? That's what diesel sprinkles do. You're gonna love that. It's Jimmy's for the car.

[B]

You know what your boat needs is some lemon oil.

[A]

There we go. How many times have you wished your exhaust was a rainbow? Well, with the new sherbert fuel you can get just that.

[B]

So Patrick instantly becomes a multimillionaire off of the companies, especially holiday magic. And he disavowed writing checks, only spending cash from the wad in his pocket which was always around, quote, oh, 10 or $15,000.

[A]

Notice they put a pyramid on money. Cause the whole thing's fucking bullshit, dude.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Hold on. He bought into a fucking. We're the fucking bottom of the pyramid scheme, dude. And president. The president's not even the top. He's at the executive level. We don't even know the motherfucker who's at the fucking top. Selling us the fucking holiday magic bullshit. So just think about that like we'll get back to the story and enjoy the fuck out of tonight. But when you leave, I want you to think about that a little bit too. Why'd they put a pyramid on this shit? Cause we're scum sucking pieces of shit who just bought into it. We're sucking the cuke. Go ahead. Feels like I'm starting to lose something. Go ahead.

[B]

At the end of the show, we're gonna announce our new doll, Coin, by.

[A]

The way, we have to do that.

[B]

Oh, it'll be so funny.

[A]

Would be the greatest.

[B]

It'll be so funny.

[A]

Would anyone alienate their fan base faster than. If you're like, hear us out.

[B]

The dog Coin would just. Most when they send him out, they do this. Ours would just go, what the fuck?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What is this shit?

[A]

I'd be like, shit.

[B]

Having accomplished step one of his career plan, he turned his sights towards step two, running for governor of California.

[A]

Wow. He's going for it. Awesome.

[B]

In 1966 against Ronald Reagan from the right.

[A]

Oh, shit. Well, slow down. Dare I say that's a little wackadood.

[B]

And he got under 2% of the vote.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

It's a heavy number, huh? It's just a big number.

[A]

Yeah, that's great. Yeah.

[B]

He blamed his electoral disaster on one man, Mervyn D. Field. Look at that son of a bitch.

[A]

I can't cannot wait to find out why this fucking little guy Mervin. Wait, what do you mean he's blaming you? Why?

[B]

Mervin ran the California poll and Mervin had Patrick polling at around 1%. And Patrick thought the slanted poll was convincing people not to vote for him. Think about it.

[A]

It's very Trumpy. That's like that Iowa poll that he like sued over. It's very like people saw that I was doing shitty, so I did shitty.

[B]

Besides himself, Patrick started telling people that Mervyn had been paid off to bury him with terrible numbers.

[A]

Love that. This guy's like, he's foolish. He's taking money to lie to people. Anyway, here's my lemon scented throat coat. Go door to door.

[B]

Mervyn sued Patrick for slander and easily won. Patrick said that made no difference to him, that he couldn't find any evidence. He still believed Mervyn had sold the slanted pole. So Mervyn's lawyer then read aloud a passage from one of Patrick's sales pamphlets. Quote, anyone who will not listen to the truth and accept it is dishonest.

[A]

Not me. I wrote that shit. Fucking idiots.

[B]

The jury ordered Patrick to pay $300,000 to Mervin, which is $3 million today.

[A]

Which is nothing to him though.

[B]

No. He's got so much money.

[A]

Good for Mervyn though. I hope this was pre 3 million because he looks like a Goodwill mannequin.

[B]

That's actually about the same amount that Patrick. Patrick spent on his campaign. Of his Own money. Where he lost to Reagan by one and a half million votes. It's a lot. Well, Patrick May lost the election, but he wasn't done influencing politics as a rich, ultra right guy.

[A]

Yeah, see, that's the thing. You don't need to run. You just pay him.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Imagine some fucking rich prick. Isn't it crazy? Very quickly. How fucking crazy.

[B]

It's a good time to go to the bathroom if you want to.

[A]

How fucking crazy do you have to have been? You know what? Get back to the story. Fuck him. Yeah, you assholes. You're missing important information, not just the weird thoughts of a tired boy. Hurry up.

[B]

You want to do your little thing when you're in the business?

[A]

Let's do a Squarespace ad.

[B]

He famously declared at the meeting of United Republicans in California that Supreme Court Justice Earl Warren shouldn't be impeached, he should be hanged. That same week, he sued the AFL CIO for 51 million in damages because they called for a boycott against his company for his right wing views.

[A]

Holy shit.

[B]

He also started palling around with Robert Depew of the Minutemen. The Cold War's first large scale right wing paramilitary group. That's fun.

[A]

Oh, fun.

[B]

You gotta get. You gotta get a. You gotta get a paramilitary group or what?

[A]

A valuable piece of information to the story. I bet that'll come back. Sure glad I was here for it.

[B]

I don't know if I've ever seen a lady with a. More of a who gives a shit looking like that.

[A]

She doesn't care. I will be honest. It was startling. I feel like I walked out on her show.

[B]

So the Minuteman, Minuteman, State, Minutemon and Minute Mon. It's the first reggae paramilitary group. It's the first reggae right wing paramilitary group in America.

[A]

I'm Ronald Reggae will has to the left, or should I say the right.

[B]

We're going to fuck up the unions, Ma.

[A]

I don't think you're careful.

[B]

Their stated purpose was to use guerrilla warfare to repel the communist invasion that they believe was happening everywhere from the White House to your house. I just can't. Oh my God.

[A]

So what is it like every three years we do it?

[B]

I mean, they just. Right wing people just sit around going communist like they just.

[A]

As everything collapses, they're like, you can't let communism come here. Things might get bad. Careful. Easy does it.

[B]

A popular. Stick it. Stick it. A popular sticker of theirs read quote. See that old man at the corner?

[A]

Nope.

[B]

See that old man at the corner? Corner. Where you buy Your papers. He may have a silencer equipped pistol under his coat.

[A]

That literally is what they ended up doing. They just keep. They're like the cheating dude who's like, you're cheating on me. Like you're doing the fucking thing. That's one of those stickers, too. You'd be driving and you'd be like, I gotta pull up to read it and be like, why did I fuck this guy? See that guy on the right? He's got a silencer pistol under his jacket. That old guy?

[B]

Oh, that was not done. That fountain pen in the pocket of the insurance salesman that calls on you might be a cyanide gas gun. What about your milkman? Traitors beware.

[A]

Even now the crosshairs are on the.

[B]

Backs of your necks.

[A]

What was. What were. Who was this for? This is still the makeup.

[B]

Oh, patriotic American.

[A]

This is still the guy who's selling, like, lip gloss and shit.

[B]

Well, this. This is the group that he's now power.

[A]

Yeah. Right. Okay. So.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, yeah. So just watch.

[A]

Also, are you interested in buying a sunglass lifter? Sorry about all that stuff about the fountain pen having cyanide inside of it.

[B]

Depew introduced Patrick to George Wallace.

[A]

Oh, boy. Love. For me, everything's gonna be kkk. At least he had our style of microphones for the show tonight, though. Oh.

[B]

An insanely racist segregationist Alabama governor to be his running mate in 1968 under the Patriot Party ticket.

[A]

Oh, fuck.

[B]

But sadly. Sadly, it fell apart after Patrick didn't make good on his promise to fund the opening of a Patriot Party headquarters in every major American city. Patrick was a prominent member of the John Birch Society, whose. Whose apocalyptic conspiracy theories and unhinged activism radicalized the American right and is one of the primary reasons the Republican Party is what it is today.

[A]

Awesome. Awesome.

[B]

It turned out great.

[A]

It's really good.

[B]

Yeah. They're all dead.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know how. Why? Commies. Commies.

[A]

I knew communists.

[B]

Chelsea Handler was killed by. Is that Chelsea Handler?

[A]

It's hard to tell. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah.

[B]

Is that Chelsea Handler?

[A]

I don't want to guess anymore.

[B]

You know what? All white women look the same to me.

[A]

I think you're based. I think you fucking just snuck in there and became cool, man.

[B]

You betcha. You betcha, man.

[A]

Stop looking at me.

[B]

Yeah. One of the Birchers he bankrolled was Dan Smoot, the former FBI agent, right wing propagandist who once published the newsletter Factor Forum with HL Hunt.

[A]

Oh, moot. Jesus Christ. This is quite a Who's who.

[B]

So throughout it all, Patrick was always writing everything from pamphlets to poems.

[A]

Poems?

[B]

Yeah. Blueberry mascara.

[A]

Oh, that'd be great.

[B]

This poem is called Blueberry Mascara. He started veering into the world of self help, although from an individualist, an Arandian sort of way. From his poem Resistance quote, the mediocre person. The average person is ruled by circumstances.

[A]

This is a guy who went to a garage sale and bought makeup. He paid $116,000 in today's money for living. And he's like, you're surrounded by, like, weaklings. You gotta attack. It reminds me of that time I saw a sign for a rummage sale and bought a bunch of rouge. You gotta attack.

[B]

This is the guy who was selling pots and pans at a military base.

[A]

Yeah, they cook for us. Well, it might be nice there. Fuck, I bought a lot of cookware. Anyone need me to train a dog to. I don't know.

[B]

The mediocre person. The average person is ruled by circumstances. If you are a person of circumstance, the cure for their disease is courageous.

[A]

Does that mean anything? Yeah, bongos would help that a lot.

[B]

Selfishness is a normal and necessary human quality that everyone has and uses.

[A]

That's the same. Go ahead.

[B]

If we as individuals were not selfish, we would never have anything that is the same musk.

[A]

Come on, man, it's poetry night. It would be hysterical to go to a poetry night and read his shit. Just people like, I don't know, man. Listen, cats. I got some stuff that's been really scratching at me lately and I gotta get it out.

[B]

This next poem is called you'd're Weak and Poor.

[A]

I call this shiny food. Selfishness is a normal and necessary human quality.

[B]

That was the pause.

[A]

Yeah, but it's the same with the musk. Like, empathy is a weakness. This whole, like, idea of, like, you've got to attack to get everything in the world and fuck anyone who stands in your way. It's about killing everyone near you so you have the most shit that you don't need.

[B]

And nobody likes you.

[A]

Cats.

[B]

This foray into self help coincided with the late 60s, early 70s California Self empowerment movement, which combines pseudoscience, affirmations, and sometimes tough love. One contemporary in this time was L. Ron Hubbard.

[A]

Oh, good.

[B]

His program was called Scientology. And that went away. I was doing a show here one night and the feature got off stage and he did a joke about science and got off stage and walked back right there and he's standing there and a guy, guy walks up to him and he Goes, yeah, I heard your Scientology stuff. What was your name? Yeah, and he tells him. He takes out a notebook and writes it down.

[A]

Only a fucking feature comic would be like, I'll tell you my real name. It's just nice to be singled out at some of these events.

[B]

How was your. How was the show? Someone asked me my name.

[A]

Bring him into Scientology. This next guy's such a suppressive person. You guys are gonna. You should see this guy on the E meter. He's got full of so many thetans. So, Luke, can you eat a little quieter? Can you house your chips at a slower rate?

[B]

The dog is brought to you by Neutrophil Gareth Natureful is the number one dermatologist. Recommended hair growth supplement trusted by over one and a half million people. That's a lot of people. That's like a country's worth.

[A]

We're among them. I don't believe the small country. Yeah, maybe like, I don't know, a little, like.

[B]

Yeah, that got a little scary for everybody.

[A]

I'm afraid I just nailed it.

[B]

You can feel great about what you're putting into your body. Since Nutrival hair growth supplements are backed by peer reviewed studies and NSF content certified, the gold standard in third party certification for supplements, we both use it. Obviously, I'm ahead of you and I look amazing.

[A]

The population of Luxembourg is 700,000. Yeah.

[B]

And it was way under a million.

[A]

Shut up.

[B]

I did.

[A]

Yeah. I started to. I started taking it too. I am still in the early phase of it, but it's easy to.

[B]

For myself. It's worked great. People have noticed it. People in the audience of shows, my friends, my hairdresser, everybody is like, Dave.

[A]

Well, they also. There's other stuff besides just the oral pills. There's. There's other stuff too. Like it sends. Nope. You stop talking about their line of products right now, mister.

[B]

Right now.

[A]

There's no.

[B]

Do they have hair suppositories?

[A]

No. Nobody wants. No, but. No, there's like shampoo. There's tons of stuff. But I. I'm in. I'm all in, babe.

[B]

You're in. You're all in. Yeah. And you see thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Nutrafol for a limited time, Nutrival is offering our listeners $10 off your first month's subscription and free shipping when you go to nutriful.com dollop Gareth and Dave both bless this Nutriful product and find out.

[A]

And they have the slogan.

[B]

Find out why Nutrival is The best selling hair growth supplement brand on nutrival.com spelled n.

[A]

U n. It's really more of a jingle.

[B]

A f o l.com thedollop that's Nutrival.com thedollip.

[A]

With Nutrafol, you're gonna be neutrophil on your head. King Winky.

[B]

We absolutely just lost that sponsor because.

[A]

In the best way possible. That's how you go out.

[B]

We started high with the suppository stuff.

[A]

And then we see that was the absolute low point.

[B]

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[A]

Well, a huge fan of hydro. Have been using it for probably a year. It's the best. It is just the best way. Full body, it's so low impact, you do not hurt, but you burn a lot of calories. There's multiple categories, multiple instructors, like, like Dave said, you've got it all right there in front of you on a monitor. It's the best you can do 45 minutes on hydro, burn hundreds of calories and just be like that. Every part of that was phenomenal. I feel it really is the best. I'm a huge hydro fan.

[B]

And now the Arc introduces hydrometrics, which is a first of its kind performance tracking system that actually measures power, endurance and precision each time you row. And that means you can literally see your strength building over time, stroke by stroke. Hydro also backs with a 30 day risk free trial, free standard shipping and a one year warranty. So skip the gym, not the workout. Stay on track with the new Hydro Arc, Hydro's most advanced rower yet. For a limited time, go to hydro.com and use code dollop to get a hundred dollars off any hydro rower, including ARC. That's H Y-R-O-W.com code dollop.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So Patrick, he settled on the name Mind Dynamics. Quote a program that purported to increase people's iq, improve their reading speed, relieve pain, speed the healing of injuries, everything. And increase extra sensory perception.

[A]

Take bigger shits, shoot bigger loads. Everyone's gonna like you more with my new everything will be better pill. Trust me. Give me your fucking. You're gonna be rich. And your knee's gonna stop hurting. Everything will be good. Your shitty neighbor will die. Your good neighbor will be more cool. You're both gonna get that other neighbor's house. Yeah. Your grass will be taller. You can smoke it if you want. If not, it becomes the police and bust the people who looked at it. Yeah.

[B]

So they would do this by teaching clients to turn on their alpha brain waves.

[A]

You gotta turn on your alpha brain. The Joe Rogan experience will.

[B]

What would you do if Joe Rogan asked to have you on?

[A]

I don't think I want to give you my answer. I'll fly myself to Austin. Mr. Rogan.

[B]

Did you see that? He had Bono wanting.

[A]

Yeah, it was.

[B]

And then Bono said something, and then he immediately went on Twitter and called him an idiot. I mean, he's right.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. It's like, that's the perfect zone. Because you're like, well, I'm not gonna stand up for Bono. Because Bono's charities, he's like, I raised too much money to healthcare, aids. And it's like, didn't you take most of it? And he's like, check your iPhone. I put an album a minute you.

[B]

I'll never forgive them for that.

[A]

Everyone was like, that's it. Go yourselves. The Edge hasn't spoken since.

[B]

So people loved Mind Dynamics. A senior vice president of Pepsi swore by it, telling the New York Times that he is, quote, now able to give 40 minute speeches without using notes. And that his powers of recall of vital information have vastly improved.

[A]

And you employees are like, ugh, fuck. Thanks to my Dynamics, your lunch is the worst. Oh, fuck.

[B]

With its success, Patrick set out on a new venture by taking Mind Dynamics and bringing in the world of business. And the new project was called Leadership Dynamics.

[A]

Oh, it's so great.

[B]

Now, obviously, this became mandatory for anyone at Holiday Magic who wanted promotion to attend.

[A]

I can't believe that business still exists.

[B]

Okay, so everyone had to attend for one three day course. In today's money, $10,000.

[A]

I mean, there you go.

[B]

Do you want to get to the top of Blueberry Mountain?

[A]

Mountain? What are you talking about? Lip balm. Blueberry Mountain lip balm. Okay. Blueberry lip balm. That's different.

[B]

Blueberry lotion.

[A]

Are you talking about a mountain made of blueberries?

[B]

Blueberry dandruff.

[A]

What's going on?

[B]

Shampoo.

[A]

Blueberry dandruff shampoo. It gives you dandruff.

[B]

Blueberry eye drops.

[A]

Blueberry eye drops. Yeah. I don't think you're. Have you looked at the product line? Lately. Christ, I bought a lot of blueberries. I don't know what to do with them. Blueberry Lung Fluid.

[B]

Leadership Dynamics was first and foremost about radical honesty. Bearing your deepest fears in front of a room of mostly strangers. When confronting that fear with courage and attacking it like we do here, you first. Well, come on, you weak bitch.

[A]

Okay. Blueberry Mountain is a strange.

[B]

But they took it a little too far.

[A]

Of course now, percentage wise, what are we talking? Men to women?

[B]

Oh, I'm sure it's 95%. 95%? Yeah, it's gotta be at this point.

[A]

Like, the 5% of women are like.

[B]

Okay, this is insane.

[A]

Is that door locked too? Now you eat my blood.

[B]

For example, a London hotel banned them, claiming they set the dance floor on fire.

[A]

Well, disco had just started, Dave.

[B]

So how else are you going to learn to lead?

[A]

Imagine. How did their business meeting go? The room burned.

[B]

When attendees were asked to bear everything. They were asked to do it literally by getting fully nude.

[A]

Once. Nude.

[B]

Some say they were then made to beat the shit out of each other.

[A]

Yeah, beautiful. Beautiful. How great is a naked fight club? Like, when you're like, I think we're losing the threat of what the purpose of this organization is. Well, do you mind if at least I be naked? You can wear whatever you want, but I'll be nude.

[B]

At some point, they just start punching more. Cause they're getting hard.

[A]

Yeah, this isn't happening now. Put some watermelon serum on it.

[B]

One student quote. I was black and blue from head to toe. My cheekbone was sticking out over an eighth of an inch. Dizzy.

[A]

Not that much.

[B]

Dizzy spells. Continuous pain in the chest and ribs and stomach. My wrists were infected. And I had continuous.

[A]

My wrists were infected.

[B]

Nightmares.

[A]

No, no, that's not. That's not an injury. Your wrist is broken. What's it infected with, doctor? Huh?

[B]

Look at it. It's infected.

[A]

My wrists are infected. Oh, no.

[B]

And I had continuous nightmares.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Well, I think that according to the book the Pit, a group encounter defiled participants were locked in cages. Wait, I cannot. I'm so fucking tired of saying this. How else can you become a leader except we put in a cage and have another man pee on you.

[A]

They're not peeing on each other.

[B]

Whipped and peed on.

[A]

No.

[B]

And made to eat their own vomit. No. Do you want to be CEO or not?

[A]

Oh, my God. Like, just imagine when this land was colonized. Just taking the Native Americans to this and being like, so basically, this is the plan. Seems like you guys are doing pretty good with Crops and stuff. But watch this guy eat that guy's puke. It's mixed with some of his piss, but he can't reach all of it. Cause some of it's out of his cage. This cost $10,000. I can't believe they're pissing and eating puke. They're eating puke. I mean, there's nowhere left to go in this story, sir. This is to me, it's as funny as it gets when guys are in cages. All right, now eat your puke. Yeah. All right. Good, good, good. That's some self made gruel there, boy. Oh, shut the fuck up. This is insane. I'm not writing it. This happened literally saying what they did. But how great to piss on a guy in a cage, if I'm being honest. You like that, you little weirdo? There you go. There's a little lemon scented throat coat for you.

[B]

Some were told they thought they were dead to the possibilities of life. So to confront that, they were shoved into a coffin.

[A]

Can you imagine the luggage carts when they're bringing them in?

[B]

Is this again.

[A]

It's a business seminar. We teach sort of CEO techniques. And those coffins, well, just 10 for the guys who think they're no longer breathing. That's after they eat their puke and they've been pissed on in their cage. Can we light a fire in that room? Are we. I think we're in conference room B and C. Are we allowed to light a fire in that room?

[B]

No, it's a. No fire.

[A]

Okay, that's fine. We'll just like.

[B]

Incidentally, you actually can't pee in there.

[A]

Well, we have tarps. We'll pee. We're not going to pee in the room. The guys will drink most of the pee. It's called bird bathing. Once again, I don't know why they're having that reaction. I'm merely taking a very simple reality and moving it 2 degrees to the right. I really think I've done very little. You can go ahead and just keep that deposit. You are not going to be getting that back.

[B]

When Patrick was finally sued over Leadership Dynamics, he told his questioner that the coffins were, quote, very nice. You would like it.

[A]

I'm not getting inside of one of your coffins.

[B]

Patrick, when asked if anyone was claustrophobia, had been placed in a coffin, his response was quote, well, let me say this. If they did, they got over it.

[A]

Nope. No, they didn't.

[B]

Some of his employees were tied to a cross. It's called.

[A]

It's called, of course, a Woman doesn't understand. What is this? This is called being a business person. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Oh, my God. How many times do I have to say, do you want to run shit like Jesus did?

[A]

Wait, now, wait, now, wait. Look at America. It's working. Let the white man. We got this. We got it.

[B]

Patrick made sure to tell the court that no one was nailed to the.

[A]

Cross, by the way.

[B]

They were just tied there for hours and hours.

[A]

I'm gonna do my impression of the lawyer, of his lawyer when he said.

[B]

That in one session, a man was forced to perform a blowjob on a dildo while women who were attending a separate class were brought in to watch.

[A]

What was their class? A lot of you.

[B]

A lot of you would do that.

[A]

Surviving Hilton.

[B]

Is that Frank? Don't tell my.

[A]

My wife I'm here. Oh, hey. What are you doing?

[B]

I can't believe this.

[A]

Where are your clothes? Why are you in a cage?

[B]

I just can't believe this is to become the manager of McDonald's.

[A]

What's all over your chin?

[B]

That's vomit and piss.

[A]

Who's vomit and who's piss? Everybody's. My God. How do you have a winner? You take that dildo out of your mouth. We are leaving at once. Oh, fine. Finish sucking it and then we're leaving. Don't bring the cross, you idiot. Untie him. Is he nailed? No, that would be ludicrous.

[B]

We're not crazy.

[A]

We're not crazy here.

[B]

When asked about the blow job, Patrick said, quote. Well, to put it bluntly, there are a lot of men that come to class that have forgotten how to use theirs.

[A]

What?

[B]

You limp dick motherfucker. Suck that dildo.

[A]

Is this guy sucking his own dick?

[B]

I don't know, but that doesn't make sense at all.

[A]

A lot of guys don't remember how to suck their own dick. Cause there's. It's really hard. But they've all tried. No matter what they say, they've all tried. No matter what they say, they've all tried. And here's what's crazy. A few of them have gotten to the car, and those are reactions. We'd love to see.

[B]

This reminds me of this. Read it Post where a guy said he fucked up because he went over to partake in a threesome. And then during the discussion beforehand, he said he could blow himself. So he did. And they were like, okay, leave.

[A]

Who the fuck goes anywhere when you can suck your own dick? Are you kidding me? People are like, you see Gareth? Yeah, he doesn't come out anymore, ever.

[B]

Since he mastered that yoga class, we haven't seen him.

[A]

It's just. Nah, I think I'm gonna smoke weed and suck my dick again. Sorry. Nobody can beat what I'm doing here.

[B]

So the lawsuits start piling up, and they became too much of a headache. And the Leadership Dynamics Institute closed its doors. And that's why we have no fucking leaders in America. Cause you're all too woke.

[A]

Boom.

[B]

But the legal problems didn't end there. People began asking more questions and seeking more information about Holiday Magic.

[A]

I can't believe.

[B]

I know. It's still. It's still. Yeah.

[A]

It sounds. By the way, for people who are eating puke and sucking dildos in a business center, in a hotel, Holiday Magic is a pretty good name. Sounds like where they stayed. It used to be a Holiday Inn. Then Patrick came to town.

[B]

A Canadian college student felt duped and immediately asked for his money back. And he went.

[A]

Back up there. Then, if you don't like, what we're doing down here is for. Show me. Go back there if you want to move this stuff around.

[B]

He went back. He went to the Better Business Bureau, who wrote a letter to Holiday Magic on his behalf. A few days later, the student went into the offices to see about his refund, but a man held up the letter. Quote, he held it in front of me and then tore it in half and threw it away. He said that showed what the company thought of the Better Business Bureau and the government.

[A]

By the way, that back then, probably not great, but now. Yep, working. The person at the Better Business Bureau who was typing was like, sorry, can I. Will you go back a little bit? Little lost.

[B]

When an undercover reporter attended a sales pitch meeting to recruit new members, he asked if it was a pyramid scheme, and the head salesman laughed. Quote, have you ever heard of Jesus Christ? Yeah, hear him out.

[A]

Yes, I have. He was a pyramid scheme.

[B]

He had 12 master distributors, and Christianity has not become the number one religion yet. Christ's pyramid scheme has never reached a point of saturation like ours has.

[A]

What, literally? Go. Go find your point. What are you. Even so the apocrypha like. And the whole thing's mer, man.

[B]

It's. This is not normal.

[A]

No, no. It's indefensible. So he's like, the more I talk, the longer I'm getting away with it.

[B]

In 1973, a judge found the company guilty of running an unfair and deceptive marketing scheme and ordered them to refund investors, AKA all the people who had thought they were signing up for a job on top of that.

[A]

That's just for the Holiday Magic. The Holiday Magic one. So all the people who went to their business training seminars are like, are we gonna. That was like, $10,000 to be getting that back, or.

[B]

On top of that, the securities and Exchange Commission said they defrauded their workers of about 1.6 billion in today's money, and that Holiday Magic's promise of making 100,000 a year was fraudulent. In fact, they said that in order for all the investors to bring in six figures a year, every single person in America would need to be recruited.

[A]

Well, that's the plan before a bunch of fucking nerds got in the way.

[B]

Patrick's obsession with fighter planes and his unlimited amount of cash led him to start a company called Spectrum Air, which rented out vintage aircraft and repaired private planes.

[A]

How is he. How is he still out there?

[B]

What do you mean? He's got money. It's time to fucking get into the.

[A]

But is nobody like, dude, look, you made dudes eat puke at a Holiday Inn. Like that's criminal.

[B]

But he made money from that.

[A]

I see your point.

[B]

Shortly after a Spectrum. So this is. Did everybody get that?

[A]

Spectrum.

[B]

They rent out vintage aircraft and repair private planes, right? So shortly after a Spectrum repair job, one plane immediately fell out of the sky, killing the pilot. They're not supposed to do that, by the way.

[A]

On the contrary, my friend. That's a big part of the business model.

[B]

Patrick. To pay the widow about 6.5 million in today's cash.

[A]

Imagine.

[B]

And in 1972, an employee got in a Korean War era F86 fighter plane from Spectrum and promptly crashed into an ice cream parlor, killing 22 people, mostly kids.

[A]

I like how the ice cream part really affected people. More people have. And dying. Oh, my God. While they were eating ice cream. No, no, no, no, no. Did any of the.

[B]

The plane wasn't supposed to be flown in the first place.

[A]

Oh, good.

[B]

It was supposed to be used as part of a memorial in front of a town hall in Canada.

[A]

Why the Was the guy in it? It was like one of those planes they put in front of airports. He was like, all right, clear for takeoff. 141. You are actually just a model attached to the ground. All right, we're turning on a bunch of the stuff here. Here. Kevin, ready to go. And Runway four clear. We're about to head out of here. Once again, you are not a real clay. You should not be taking off. You are basically a goddamn statue to not go out. I'm surprised the gear's even working in there.

[B]

This is 1, 4, 9. Mayday. Mayday.

[A]

Absolutely, mayday. All right, we're getting ready to go. Ladies and gentlemen. Buckle your seatbelts. I know you're a bunch of dolls that I brought from my ex wife's house. I'm having what they call a clinical meltdown right now. I drank a bunch of bleach. And get ready. We're all now in my delusion. Here we go. Clearing. And we're up in the beautiful skies. Today's movie will be Mission Impossible 3. Mission Impossible 3, brought to you by a man who believes that aliens live inside of him. Have we all ever stopped to consider that Tom Cruise is just trying to kill himself and none of us are stepping in?

[B]

So now both the Canadian and U.S. governments had no idea how it was taken from storage in Canada and ended up in Patrick's hands. So he's like paying people to steal.

[A]

Planes we don't even know that don't work. He's just getting planes that are out of Commission.

[B]

And by 1973, this incident had cost Patrick today's equivalent of around $64 million. And it's still going up all the time because lawsuits are still happening. So lawsuits are totally piling up. He's getting sued or had injunctions against in Arkansas, Illinois, Louisiana, Maryland, Michigan and New York.

[A]

When does he become the President? Step 1,428, sell decommissioned planes to victims within striking distance of a basket.

[B]

Robbins.

[A]

Stick to the plan, Patrick.

[B]

The Attorney General of California, Avel Younger, hit him with a series of suits that attacked the pyramid scheme business model in all of his companies. Patrick went after Junger then, suing him, alleging harassment, intimidation, and deprivation of property rights for the money he had stolen from his workers.

[A]

The best. I do love that countersuit. Yeah. You broke the law. I'm taking you to court. Well, that's making people think I'm a fucking asshole. I'm taking you to court.

[B]

He took out full page ads and papers charging that Younger was using lawsuits against him to get attention in advance of a run for governor. The ads, the ads had headlines like, is lynching legal in California? With a cartoon of himself with a noose around his neck.

[A]

These, man, they just. Money is cancer.

[B]

What are you talking about? It's great. God, you know what? That's the fucking thing about you fucking libs, you know, you hear the story of a guy who's wildly successful, creates many businesses, and you're like, he peed on people. Like, it's fucking crazy.

[A]

You know what's funny?

[B]

He Created jobs, man.

[A]

It's so funny that for a minute I forgot he peed on. He had people pee on in fucking kennels. All right, Doug, go to your crate. Andy, piss on Doug. Sunday's gonna be wild, everybody. We're just wrapping up Saturday.

[B]

As the walls closed in, Patrick took to this guy. He's flying. He's flying. He's got money, he's got planes, he's flying, man. He loved doing aerobatic, aerobatic tricks. Especially when a newbie was in the cockpit with him. So he likes to show off. He's like, look at what I can do.

[A]

I can. I can. Dave. I'm hoping. No, I'm hoping this ends.

[B]

Why would it.

[A]

The way it has to?

[B]

No, it's so fucking. This is a guy who's.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

He's fucking enjoying himself.

[A]

Give me what I need, please.

[B]

So he and a buddy jumped into a PF1 Mustang plane and took off.

[A]

This is great.

[B]

Nobody knows what happened next or why, but on the. In the middle of the worst moment of his personal and professional life, Patrick's plane crashed into a field 80 miles north of San Francisco, killing him and his passengers. Cheering death.

[A]

My word. Yeah, we need to start. Normalize. Like we need to be very. We need to normalize the death of Mike. We have to be allowed to cheer. We have to be allowed to cheer when they die. It just keep. Like the news when this happened would be like. It's such a billionaire kind of passed away today. Known for some strange techniques when it came to making money. He's widowed by a family and dogs with the cleanest food in the world. Certainly strange, but there's no need to be rude to the man who died and made a guy eat his own piss puke.

[B]

In Patrick's own words. Quote there's.

[A]

Did he hit a Mr. Freeze?

[B]

Quote. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being wealthy. God, you have made me an eagle. And I will break the shackles of fear and ignorance which have bound my wings. That.

[A]

That with the. Should have broken out of those a little harder.

[B]

That with the freedom of truth. I will soar above the mountains and clouds and see the wonders of the earth and the great wealth and the great wealth and happiness you have made available.

[A]

But you gotta use less like sky in your window if you're in a plane crash. I will fly high in the sky on the wings of my money, unable to be brought down unless I'm ready. Maybe we shouldn't have put all those jimmies in the fuel tank.

[B]

He was Great.

[A]

That's it. He's dead. Oh, fine.

[B]

Oh, yeah, he died. Crashed. Research by Josh Androwski. Sources. Mental floss. Shell shock. The pyramid schemer who has convinced his targets to climb at a coffins. New York Times, Fringe. The strange and terrible history of the far right in high weirdness. New Times, Twins Falls, Idaho, Sacramento Bean, Miami News, Ottawa Citizen, Daily Independent Journal, and the Anaheim Bulletin.

[A]

Did you. How much did. Did you know about this guy before?

[B]

Yeah, I told him. I read a tiny bit and I.

[A]

Was like, see what you can find.

[B]

Yeah, because the headlines were like, so there was once a really crazy fucking lunatic right winger. I was like, yeah, so that guy will be good.

[A]

He sued Avon.

[B]

He sued Avon?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh. Cause they were a rival makeup company. So he was like, fuck you.

[A]

Yeah. All right. You can do door to door makeup sales, but you can't make dudes. Dudes piss on each other. That's my move. Well, I mean, obviously, it's just like, this is the fucking problem. Like, when are we gonna stamp out this behavior? These humans? When are we going to success? No, no, the idea that, like, you know what I mean? Like, it has to stop. Like, when do we stop success? Ah, fuck. Will it ever end?

[B]

No, no, no. Oh, God, no. If it would have ended, it would have ended a while ago.

[A]

But we're. We're getting.

[B]

We're just ramping up.

[A]

We're ramping up again. We're about to all enter the hotel banquet room together.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It feels like the lesson was, go bigger.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Take care of the. The servers. Whoever helped you tonight and the next show, we appreciate it. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. What's up, Garrett Force doll heads? It's Garrett Force. Listen, I don't know what's going on anymore. Listen, go to Gareth Reynolds.com because I have a lot of shows coming up. I'll be in San Diego, California, September 21st. Chandler, Arizona, September 24th. Springfield, Missouri, the 26th, 27th. Four shows. Columbia, Missouri, September 28th. I will be at. In Wichita, Kansas, on September 30th at Vorges. I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin, October 1st, Fort Wayne, Indiana, for two shows on October 3rd. Then I'm taping my special at the Den October 4th. Saturday, October 4th at Chicago, Illinois, garethreynolds.com Also, I'll be at Rooster T Feathers in Sunnyvale, California, November 6th, 7th, 8th. I'll be in Omaha, Nebraska, at the Funny Bone, November 28th. November 29th. I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia, December 2nd. And then I will also be in Seattle and Eugene right after that. Garethreynolds.com for tickets and information. Come on Garaforce, let's party.