704 - The Lady Franklin Bay Expedition

Summary

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The Dollop Episode 704 – The Lady Franklin Bay Expedition

Podcast: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Release Date: October 7, 2025
Main Theme:
Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds explore the disastrous and harrowing tale of the Lady Franklin Bay Expedition—an 1880s American Arctic adventure doomed by hubris, poor planning, and the brutal forces of nature. As always, the show uses sharp banter, dark humor, and improvisational riffs while unpacking a slice of lesser-known American history.

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Overview

The episode dives into the true story of Adolphus Greely and the Lady Franklin Bay Expedition, a U.S. polar expedition that began with high scientific hopes and ended in tragic deprivation, cannibalism, and survival against all odds. Through comic commentary, Dave and Gareth bring to life the personalities, bungled logistics, and bleak morale of this ill-fated mission. Themes of leadership, suffering, and human resilience (or lack thereof) emerge throughout, wrapped in a thick layer of Dollop absurdity.

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Key Discussion Points & Timeline

1. Setting the Scene & Character Introduction (08:28–17:38)

• Adolphus Greely's background:
  • Born to an established New England family, tried to enlist in the Army by lying about his age (“he wrote 18 on the bottom of his shoes”—Dave, 10:16).
  • Fighting in the Civil War, rising through the ranks, becomes interested in meteorology and telegraphy.
  • Offers to lead an Arctic expedition at age 37: “He was considered anal retentive, but enthusiastic by his superiors” (16:00).
• The aim: To set up a polar research station north of Greenland for the International Polar Year, do science, and help the U.S. claim ‘furthest north’.

2. The Expedition's Terrible Preparation (17:39–24:45)

• The team’s lack of Arctic experience—“One guy who was not in the military did have experience of one time visiting Greenland” (17:42).
• Assembling a crew mostly of U.S. Signal Corps members with little relevant expertise.
• Over-spending on the ship Proteus: “Adolphus only had $6,000 left over to buy everything else needed for the first year of work and survival in the Arctic” (18:33).
• No backup ship; just dropped off and left alone to await resupply in a year.
• The initial period: Science, exploration, building “Fort Conger”, using dog sleds for exploration.

3. Failure of Resupply & Bureaucratic Negligence (25:05–46:58)

• First resupply:
  • Ship Neptune fails to reach the camp due to ice, leaves barely any rations, and heads home.
  • Officials back home completely misunderstand or disregard the seriousness (“There’s not the slightest reason to suppose that Lt. Greenlee’s party is suffering…”—Dave, reading Secretary of War’s letter, 27:45).
• Second year:
  • New resupply attempts and new leaders, but the Proteus is destroyed by pack ice; the other ship fares no better.
  • Miscommunication and indifferent bureaucracy back home; planned caches of food fail to materialize (of 50,000 rations sent, only 1,000 actually make it ashore—58:10).
  • The men are eventually forced by orders to abandon Fort Conger, despite most thinking it's a suicidal move.

4. March into Desperation: Suffering & Leadership Breakdown (46:58–63:47)

• Greely loses morale; natural leaders among the men, notably Brainerd and Rice, rise up.
• Tensions and attempted mutiny: “They start plotting…to declare Adolphus insane…” (50:40).
• The trek south is agonizing—boats dragged over iceflows, starvation, low morale, leadership failures mount.
• Arrival at Ellesmere Island; darkness sets in for eight months: “The sun has now almost disappeared for the winter. That’s eight months…” (51:29).
• Discovery that their rescue ship, the Proteus, is gone: Disbelief turns to bleak acceptance.

5. Winter Hell: Starvation, Cannibalism, and Last Resorts (63:47–80:47)

• Desperate survival: “The storehouse…was super easy to break into…people are stealing food.” (65:09).
• Food theft, secret rationing, the fat man Henry stealing constantly, eventual execution for food theft (“And they shoot him and they kill him”—75:56).
• Killing and eating dogs; short-lived bonanza with bear and foxes.
• Foraging for shrimp leads to diarrhea problems: “Each guy found himself eating a pound of shrimp a day…leads to digestive problems…” (67:12–67:34)
• Some men die on foraging missions (notably photographer George Rice); others quietly steal meat from the dead (“There’s a secret that some men are doing…they’re cutting pieces of meat off dead bodies and having a snack”—72:31).
• The infamous “spoon hands” moment: frostbitten Ellison loses fingers, gets spoons tied to his hands so he can feed himself if everyone else dies first (81:34).

6. Rescue & Aftermath (78:24–85:06)

• Rescue is finally triggered thanks to Greely’s wife lobbying politicians.
• Out of 25, only 7 survive (79:32).
• Bodies show evidence of flesh being removed (“In doing so, they notice that there are chunks of flesh carved out”—80:05).
• Survivors claim flesh was “used as bait,” but cannibalism is front-page news.
• Both Greely and Brainerd go on to become generals; every year on the rescue anniversary, they share a meal replicating their “dream menus” from their starving days.
• “To be the last man is a lonesome job.”—Brainerd, after Greely’s death (85:06).

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On 19th-century age verification:
  “Look at the bottom of my shoe. 18. Let me see the other one. Yeah, same thing. Those both have 18 on them.” — Dave (10:50)
• On expedition crew experience:
  “One guy who was not in the military did have experience of one time visiting Greenland. So no one’s been there except for one guy who went to Greenland.” — Dave (17:42)
• On optimism about resupply:
  “Trust me. Right now, they’re hanging stockings on their shelves, and they’re waiting for Santa Claus to come.” — Gareth, mocking officials' denial (28:13)
• On starvation-induced hallucinations:
  “He had an entire page in his journal devoted to food obsessions, as well as the favorite dishes of other men.”—Dave, about Brainerd (72:05)
• On the bleakest “solutions”:
  “There’s a secret that some men are doing. They’re cutting pieces of meat off dead bodies…” — Dave (72:31)
  “If I ever die, you are totally free to eat me.” — Dave (72:42)
  “I will eat you. Start with the ass.”—Gareth (72:45)
• On Ellison with spoons tied to his hands:
  “In the final weeks, they had tied a spoon to the stump of his hands so he could feed himself if everyone else died first.” — Dave (81:34)
  “That is so top-10 dark said on this show.” — Gareth (81:41)
• Survivors’ ritual:
  “Every year on June 22, the anniversary of the rescue, Adolphus and Brainerd got together to eat one of the menus that they and the other man had fantasized at about…” — Dave (84:26)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Adolphus Greely's background & Fort Conger setup: 08:28–21:48
• Resupply issues & missed caches: 25:05–30:16
• Proteus ship disaster & shifting south: 31:00–37:10
• Leadership crisis & mutiny talk: 47:05–51:29
• Discovering the Proteus is gone—grim realization: 52:09–53:41
• Starvation, food theft, cannibalism: 63:47–75:56
• Execution of Henry (food thief): 75:12–75:56
• Rescue and aftermath: 78:24–85:10

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Tone, Banter, and Memorable Gags

As is Dollop tradition, the hosts rely on irreverent comedy, riffing on 19th-century logic (“Just write your age on your shoes!”), the mind-boggling lack of preparedness, and gallows humor about starvation and cannibalism. Gareth frequently improvises what suffering men would say (“We're gonna eat the dogs, aren’t we?”), and running jokes (like the “Spoonpaw” saga) lighten the brutality of the narrative.

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Conclusion

This episode offers a mix of shock, laughter, and empathy as the comedy draws out the absurdity and tragedy of the Lady Franklin Bay Expedition. The hosts’ humor emphasizes the lessons of hubris, poor leadership, and the extremes desperation brings. As is the Dollop’s style, the historical disaster turns into a sprawling, darkly comedic morality tale—one that still haunts explorations to come.

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Transcript

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

You're listening to the Dollop on the All Things Comedy Network. You know, we do here. Each week we go through a story from American history. Hi, Dave. Anthony, lover of shoes, burping beast, man with over one toilet, tells a story from American history to his idol, Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about this. Thanks for calling me your idol. Hey, man, you really are. Did I tell you I'm doing Riyadh?

[A]

My idol, Dave. Really, friend?

[B]

No.

[A]

Are you doing Riyadh?

[B]

You are. That's going to be the new put down. This is every time. This is what I'm going to do from now on. If I'm ever in a conversation with comics and a new one walks over, I'll be like, this is the guy I was telling you about who did Riyadh.

[A]

Hello, Governor. Hello, Governor. Hello, governor.

[B]

Hello, Governor.

[A]

Hello, Gov. It's a big spicy means for hello, Governor. Hello, Governor. Hello, Governor. Hello, Governor. Hello, Governor. Thing is in my hello, Governor. Hello, Governor. Hello, Governor. I like a spicy meatball. Hello, Governor. Hello, GOVERNOR.

[B]

Hello, Governor.

[A]

Hello, G. O. V. O, Governor. 14. It's very weird because we all have. We have people we know and friends who did it. And yet watching it, you're just like, wow, you. You really blew it. That was really dumb.

[B]

It's. I don't know. It's. I mean, well, I guess that would be a. We. We will talk about that on Patreon more. But if people want to that you can go join our Patreon. We're doing a lot of stuff on Patreon. Luke is doing stuff on Patreon now. He's got his own day and I've seen some of it while we've been traveling and it's just like, it's upsetting. It's not okay. We're putting out a good amount of stuff extra every week. The Dollop is now on YouTube too. If you want to go to our YouTube and check that out. The dollop is the. The video of the episodes are now on our YouTube page, which is the Dollop podcast. And also I should point out, I just. Speaking of Luke, I did just go to our website and check out our merch and he. What he's doing on there is just. Just more crazy. But if you want merch, we're now selling merch and we will also be on tour. We've probably promoted it on this show already. But go to $podcast.com. we're going through the Midwest. We're going to hit all the big boys But I wanted to tell you a story, Dave, of what happened yesterday when Luke and I were driving. We were headed to Appleton, Wisconsin, and.

[A]

We'Re selling crime masks.

[B]

Yeah, it's just like crazy what's happening there. Honestly, it's just two. Two different kinds of crime masks. Yeah, he's like, he's like. We're like, we are going to be in court one day and we're going to be like, I swear to God, I didn't know what was on our merch.

[A]

I had no idea.

[B]

I didn't know. We had two types of crime masks and he's calling them crime masks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think we should probably come up with a better name. We should just call them winter. Winter headgear.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Crime masks.

[A]

No, that's terrible.

[B]

He's like, like, again, we're not. We're just talking. We're just a couple guys talking. Okay. But so he's. He's eating sunflower seeds, you know, which to me I've. If you're outdoors, okay. You know, you want to eat sunflower seeds outdoors, go for it, whatever. It's not the greatest snack, obviously, but you know, he's just.

[A]

It's a time consuming snack, which I.

[B]

Guess is part of charm. Yeah, it's like a way to like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's busy work slow, yield in a good way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But. So he's. He's. He's crushing this bag of sunflower seeds. And I'm. And we've got our. We have a big thing of sparkling water. We got the spin drifts.

[A]

And I don't like this.

[B]

I don't care. No, I. What do you like?

[A]

It's one of the. I don't get heartburn at all. And it's one of the few things that I. If I drink two, I'll get heartburn.

[B]

Let's start sneaking them into everything you do.

[A]

Are you doing.

[B]

I'll get you. I will take you down. I will take power. And so, so whatever he's. He's eating these. These things, you know, and I. So we have our spin drifts and. Probably been 15 minutes since I've had a sip. He's got. He's carved out his little can to spit his seeds in. And I take my spin drift that is sitting in the cup holder that I had right next to me and I take a big rip off it. And you know exactly what happens. I get a mouthful of spit seeds and I go, this is I. My reaction.

[A]

I've seen pure. I've seen this happen to people with Chewing tobacco, spit.

[B]

I've done this with. The last time I had anything like this was cigarette butts in a can, like, you know, whatever at a barbecue. And I'm like, it's not the. But this was in a contained environment. My water was where it remained the whole time. And so I take a sip and I have a mouthful of his spit seed pieces. And I obviously don't take it down, but I don't know what to do because I'm in a van and I just open my mouth and I go, luke. And he's like, huh? And I go, you filled the can. What? He goes, oh, well, that was my spit. I go, no. And then I just pee off on. On sunflowers.

[A]

The great part, but here's the great part about Luke is he won't apologize. Right? Did he apologize?

[B]

No, he did apologize. He.

[A]

I was dead.

[B]

I was. I was. I was beside myself. I don't even want to say I was mad. I just was nauseated and I was mad, but I was just like. I was like, this snack is disgusting. The most disgusting snack.

[A]

He was like, I'm not. I'm not with you on that, though. I'm not with you.

[B]

Have a drink. Refuge.

[A]

You can't blame Shell the snack for one man's crime.

[B]

Get out of here.

[A]

You can't. You can't blame the snack. The snack is good.

[B]

I admit that Luke is the problem, but this Luke the snack is horrendous. How about this? Let's just have snacks that we eat. Let's not have snacks. That part of it gets spit. Let's just have a full snack. They make snacks that you can just eat. What are we doing? What are we doing? This is not an okay thing. Imagine if you were eating Doritos and I just ate half, and then the rest of them I just, like, threw in a bag.

[A]

I imagine that all the time with you.

[B]

Shut up.

[A]

What?

[B]

We're trying.

[A]

We're getting along finally.

[B]

So there you go. That's. That's the story I wanted.

[A]

I mean, that's bad. And I'm sorry you went through that. And your. Your partner, which. Who I call him your partner, is a bad person.

[B]

I see. This is what I needed from you. Yeah. This is what I wanted.

[A]

This is. That's what we're talking about. He's a bad person.

[B]

Yes, yes.

[A]

But also, let's. Let's not blame.

[B]

I'm still mad at sunflower seeds or whatever.

[A]

Yeah, you can be mad at sunflower seeds, but you know, you're wrong.

[B]

They make a version of those where the see are already. Somebody's already done all that for you. You can go get them. We're not living in the jungle. We don't need to be doing this.

[A]

We. I would disagree with that. I think we might be living in the jungle a little bit.

[B]

So then let's enjoy the snacks we have that are fully digestible while we have them.

[A]

Sometimes you got to work for your food.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

Just like in the olden days.

[B]

Nope. This is. That's what it feels like.

[A]

Well, yeah. March 27, 1844, year of our Lord J Town. He who hath bequeathed us the seas. Surfboards and sunflower seeds.

[B]

Well, you better take the seeds back.

[A]

Adolphus Green, Washington Greenlee was born into an old established New England family in Newburyport, Massachusetts.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Which you have to know because you spent time and.

[B]

Newburyport. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Well done. The city was a stop on the Underground Railroad and many ex slaves lived there. It was also a big whaling port.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

So two great. Two great things. Adolphus graduated from high school in 1860, and he tried to join the Union army twice during the war, but was rejected because he was too young.

[B]

So. Wow. I didn't. I mean, I think we've heard of soldiers who were 10.

[A]

Well, no, you had to be 18.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah. I know, right? That's a little bit confusing because we. I think it's different for each state.

[B]

Probably dudes were marrying like 15 year olds. Yeah.

[A]

And we still are. But. But I do think it was state by state because he was trying to join the Massachusetts whatever. Militia, volunteer infantry.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because in the South, I think they were taking people much younger.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

So he's ejected twice and he finally was able to enlist on July 1861. He was 17, but he told them was 18. He told his 18. And the legend was he wrote 18 on the bottom of his shoes to prove it. I don't know what that means. I don't. I don't know what that means.

[B]

We're so caught in a two step verification world. Now, to imagine a time where you could convince people that you were 18 because you just wrote it on your shoes, like fraud. Fraud.

[A]

But who. How does that.

[B]

I don't. I mean, there's obviously no.

[A]

You roll in. You're like, so. No, I'm actually. I'm actually. I'm 18.

[B]

On the contrary, we've heard that you are 17 years old. So we're not going to be taking.

[A]

Look at the bottom. Look at the bottom of my shoe.

[B]

18 Let me see the other one.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, same thing.

[B]

Those both have 18 on them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

So with that. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

I mean, we know this guy's supposed to be 17. Do you see the bottom of his shoes? Yeah. He's got 18 on both of them. He's clearly 18. All right. Adolphus, we owe you an apology. You're clearly 18. Both issues have the number on it, so.

[A]

Well, yeah. That's how Lincoln got in.

[B]

Yeah. Hey, I'm not a big history guy, but.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Mind if I.

[A]

That's how. Yeah, go ahead. That's how he got to the press.

[B]

Believe that to be fair, if you.

[A]

If he. He's not. He's not president yet, but that's how he.

[B]

I don't even think we know. Wait, what?

[A]

I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.

[B]

Dude, I just took a sip of my drink and there's seeds in it.

[A]

Adolphus was a private with the 19th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry. He fights in some of the most brutal battles of the Civil War. He is wounded three times, and the whole time he continues a very swift rise in rank. He is eventually put in command of the 81st Colored Troops. Well, you don't like that? No, I think it's okay. Because he is from a clearly a liberal town where they were okay with black people compared to others. You know, they're on the Underground road. So he probably got.

[B]

Okay, here was my thought early in this one. Underground Railroad doing better in this era, or would it do better now in Massachusetts? My guess is, back then, it did better.

[A]

Probably back then. By the way, I want to congratulate all of the Americans today who spent years screaming about the Second Amendment and tyranny and today dropped out of Black Hawk helicopters over an apartment building full of black people in Chicago and took children out naked in handcuffs. Congratulation. You are what people were when they massacred Native American villagers. Anywho, when the war ended, my breaks are fun. When the war ended, Adolphus was a brevet major. He continued to command black troops from 1865 to 1867 in New Orleans. This is a pretty bad assignment. He's occupying a city which is also crazy to imagine being ravaged. Ravaged by yellow fever at the time. So it's. That's not a great one.

[B]

Right.

[A]

He becomes a second lieutenant in the 36th infantry, which she. He studied telegraphy and electricity under the general who founded the Army Signal Corps. So he worked installing telegraph lines across the West. He then helps organize the U.S. weather Bureau.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Which we just got rid of.

[B]

Take this.

[A]

Doing this. He became a knowledgeable meteorologist. So he's a sciency guy.

[B]

He's a sciency fellow meteorologist back now. What year are we dealing with now? Whereabouts are we. Because he's done a lot of stuff.

[A]

He's like 1870s.

[B]

Okay. A meteorologist in the 1870s seems absolutely impossible.

[A]

I think. I think you just look out and go, there's clouds.

[B]

Yeah. You don't do a foot. They didn't do the five day. They're like. And Bob, I think we're going to have a pretty good Friday. If you look over the hills right there, I can see some clouds. But I think those are going to dissipate a little bit as we get into the afternoon. And people can go out there and have a nice picnic. And men who are in their 40s. You can marry a woman under 18. Don't worry about that. It's not going to be a problem.

[A]

I can see the clouds. I can see them with you.

[B]

The clouds are over there, but I feel like they'll be dissipating. And remember, the only people who really have rights right now are us whites. If you see the Native American, lose that Native. Okay. They were not here before us. Don't listen to anything. I'll be back tomorrow with my Saturday cast.

[A]

Adolphus also became very interested in storm systems. So he's a weather guy.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

In 1881, he's a lieutenant in the 5th US Cavalry. He's 37 years old, and he volunteers to command an Arctic weather expedition to set up polar research stations.

[B]

Wow. This is. Jesus Christ, man. I don't think. We've never done a story where someone is going into cold in the 1800s. And it's been like, yeah, that was easy. He.

[A]

Well, I don't know. This will be fine. He was considered anal retentive, but enthusiastic by his superiors.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's kind of a good thing to lead, I guess.

[B]

I think so. Attention to detail.

[A]

This is called the Lady Franklin Bay Expedition. So that's just north of Greenland on Canada's narrowest strait.

[B]

Okay, sure.

[A]

So you know where that is?

[B]

Yeah, well, I'm a map freak.

[A]

Yeah, I'm a big map. That's when people ask me what you're like.

[B]

I'm just sick about maps. I'm just. I'm a Rand McNally. I'm a regular. I love.

[A]

I always say, where does a map end in Gareth? Begin? I don't know.

[B]

Well, you know what it is. I love to. I love the map with the. Where the mountain ranges are bumpy, and you can really run your hand over it and really just kind of feel the topography. I love that sometimes it gets late in the office.

[A]

Moving on. Adolphus and. And most of his men came, right. No, no, no, no. We're done.

[B]

Maybe go to the Himalayas. I go to the Himalayas sometimes at night, and let me tell you, him. Galilea.

[A]

I knew it was gonna. I knew it was gonna end horribly. And no one was gon. Adolphus and most of his men came from the US Army Signal Corps, so they. They had been stringing telegraph lines across the west, which has. I don't know if you're aware of this. It has little to nothing to do with the conditions in the Arctic. It's a whole different sort of.

[B]

Yeah, no, I'll validate that.

[A]

Yeah. One guy who was not in the military did have experience of one time visiting Greenland. So no one's been there except for one guy who went to Greenland.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which is not the Arctic.

[B]

Well, it's pretty. I mean, that should be plenty. That should be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That should be fine. Yeah. As long as you have one guy who's been somewhere that's pretty close.

[A]

And that guy was a doctor. Octave Pavy. He.

[B]

I would definitely call myself Duct tave.

[A]

Yeah. He was also an astronomer. There was a. Sorry. There was also an astronomer, Edward Israel, and a photographer. So you got all the bases covered.

[B]

We know he's getting eaten first.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[B]

Photographer.

[A]

The photographer, Tyler's name is George Rice. So altogether, there's 21 men, and after paying 19,000 for the charter ship Proteus. Wait, where did I go? Adolphus only had 6,000 left over to buy everything else needed for the first year of work and survival in the Arctic. So a lot on transpo. Transpose. It's a big part of the budget.

[B]

Now, let me. Let me ask you, Dave, as someone who's researched a lot of these, when you say something like that, don't get a little worried, because it always feels like. It always feels like a horse gets eaten.

[A]

Gareth. Right now, I am optimistic.

[B]

You mean that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just to me, seems like they're gonna have a lot of flour. They always bring a lot of flour.

[A]

No, there's no horses.

[B]

Well, there's not gonna be horses, but they're. Whatever. There. There's. That's why I'm worried about the photographer.

[A]

So they spend it. They spend it on clothing and camp gear, medicine, scientific instruments, weaponry, etc, and he. He's in a Race against the winter. So he has to get this all done in 10 weeks. So on July 8, July 7, 1881, they sail off from St. John's and Newfoundland and the water was amazingly ice free. Just beautiful sailing. And they arrive in Lady Franklin Bay and the ship offloads the party and everybody. Now unlike almost every single polar expedition, the ship just drops off the men and supplies and sails home. Usually the ship will stay there, but this one is like we're gonna drop you guys and we'll come back. So they're going to come back with any in a year and change personnel and bring more supplies in one year. Exactly. They're going to come back with more supplies.

[B]

But wait, wasn't he trying to beat the winter? Wasn't that like what?

[A]

Well, get there. He was trying to get there.

[B]

He was trying to get there before. So a full year, everything's. It's just frozen. I'm not trying to be negative, but I just think the year is really, that's just, I'm really optimistic. I don't, I just don't know why you'd be so optimistic.

[A]

Well, what if I told you this was a three year expedition? Would that make you feel better?

[B]

No, no. But I, I'm not even mentally going to year three. I'm just year one with no ship. And they just drop you off with the supplies.

[A]

Well, I can tell you you're mentally going to go to year three. Okay, so weird. Okay, so the ship takes off, drops them with everything. There's an exposed coal deposit that they can use. They build this single story, three room house like thing. It's kind of like a big barrack I guess. Outside there were some lean tents around it and some small sheds to put the equipment in. And they call this Fort Conger. It's a great name.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

And they get to work. They're doing 19th century science, meteorology, magnetism, weather observations, biology, all the good stuff. Take photographs. And they have dogs. They have dog sleds to conduct extensive explorations. And that means of course caring for the dogs and their pups. So they got dogs. That's. Sure.

[B]

Yeah. No, that's a. That seems like good. It'll be good to have them.

[A]

Yes, the dogs are good.

[B]

It'll be good to have them.

[A]

Yeah, the dogs will be great. So what they did not know because they had. Huh. What's wrong? Just what happened?

[B]

I'm already upset. I'm the meteorologist of this story. I love the five day.

[A]

So what they what? They don't know because they have no Arctic experience was that the easy sailing to get there was really odd because that summer had been especially warm. So the work they're doing, they think they're doing a good job, but the crew is still not happy because turns out Adolphus is pretty high strung and a micromanager. He's really getting up in everybody's business.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Which are not great qualities when you're out in a remote location living in one building together.

[B]

Truth. Yep. Absolutely. You don't want that.

[A]

It's like when you're in a van with a guy who spits seeds into your cup.

[B]

Yep. And you just take a big, passionate sip of what you think is spin drift, and you end up feeling like you drank shell casings. And then you just literally let it all dribble out of your mouth onto your shorts, because you don't. So you're soaking for an hour as well, covered in the seedy water.

[A]

So. So the grumbling Adolphus takes as, like, borderline mutiny. And so he keeps imposing penalties and restrictions on the men.

[B]

He's a good boss.

[A]

So things are getting. Things are getting tense, but they still work. And during the spring of 1882, a small party treks north and manages to reach a mile further north than an earlier British expedition. So this is the furthest north anyone has ever gone in the Arctic, and that gives the United States the honor for about 12 years.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Until someone else breaks.

[B]

Okay, that's good. That's great.

[A]

The breaking records.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So worth it.

[B]

Well, I guess hard for me to say that at this juncture.

[A]

I would say worth it.

[B]

I will wait.

[A]

So, like. Okay, so a supply ship, like you said, is supposed to come and drop supplies and bring a change of men. But like we said, it had been a normal. It had been abnormal. Abnormal summer. Now it's a normal one, which means there's a lot of ice. Thick ice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So the area where they went is almost always blocked by heavy, flowing ice coming down from the Arctic Ocean.

[B]

Where the ships were. Went before.

[A]

Where the ship. Where they should. Yeah, right. Where they go into the. Yeah, Yep.

[B]

Now. Now, Dave, still feeling optimistic? Because to me, that's a big problem.

[A]

No, no, I'm optimistic. So I don't. It'll be fine. The previous year. Right. They've been very lucky or unlucky, if you want to say, to get there. And even today. Even today, it's not a place much stronger ships will try to reach.

[B]

It's just we're doing everything we can to undo that. We are working real hard to get that nasty ice out of there.

[A]

Yeah, we. Yeah, we are. They. So they did plan for this, though. If the supply ship couldn't get through, they were supposed to drop supplies at a northern point on the east coast of the island that they were on and put a small supply at another point. So if no ship arrives, they can go over there and get them. They can walk over and get the. The supplies.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So there were supplies left from previous expeditions also. So there's just, like, other expeditions have left supplies for themselves, and they never use them. So there's like, stuff around. It's like when you go up Everest and there's dead bod. Yeah, like that. Except it's supplies, right?

[B]

Yep. That's good. It's surprising.

[A]

The first supply ship was the Neptune, and it stopped 150 miles from Fort Conger. That's so far. It's far. Yeah, in the ice snowy area.

[B]

Really far.

[A]

For some unknown reason, the captain only left a small amount of rations and then just came home with the rest of the stuff, which wasn't. Wasn't the plan.

[B]

Well, can we just, for a second, maybe look at the. The captain side of how great this was? He came home with so much stuff.

[A]

He did. He had a lot of good stuff.

[B]

So much stuff to light like. He came back, and he was just like, honey, look at all this. She's like, surely there's a downside.

[A]

Nope, I don't see one, honey. I don't see one at all.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. Look at all this. We have so many. And there's dogs, and we've got all these dogs now. Lamps.

[A]

So the US Secretary of War apparently, is fine with it and wrote, quote.

[B]

Which, by the way, is still a current position.

[A]

Not the Secretary of War. The guy who wrote to the US Secretary, the guy who was in command, wrote to the US Secretary of War and said he is fine with it. He wrote, quote, there's not the slightest reason to suppose that Lt. Greenlee's party is suffering. He has his party comfortably and warmly housed and is well supplied.

[B]

What is he going off of?

[A]

Well, they do have enough food to get through a while, so they do have any comfort.

[B]

Trust me. Right now, they're hanging stockings on their shelves, and they're waiting for Santa Claus to come visit them. Things are really, really good right there. They're having a good old holiday party. You can believe me, they're probably having a better time over there than we're having here.

[A]

I think you could go off vibes on this one.

[B]

This is. And by the way, I'm going off of vibes. This is a big vibes one for me. Trust me, they're having the best time ever. They're probably coming up with secret gang hang shakes. God, if it wasn't so impossible to get anywhere near them, I have half a mind to go visit.

[A]

Well, the men were obviously bummed because they, they, they only plan on being their year and then they would get swapped out. So they wanted to be relieved. Yes, they do have plenty of food and enough for a couple of years. They do have food. So Secretary of War Abraham Lincoln wanted a commander who was a bit better for the next supply run the next year. So the general who chose the commander wrote he had, quote, manly qualities of the first order. Sobriety, high intelligence, unflagging energy and zeal. And with faculty to command now. So this guy's good.

[B]

Imagine Trump saying that in front of a bunch of generals forced to come listen to him speak. I've got zeal.

[A]

The ship was to have a doctor, 10 soldiers, and 18,000 rations.

[B]

Well, now we're talking about.

[A]

That's a lot of rations. That's like easy on. Go easy on the rations.

[B]

Doesn't sound like they're even rationing the rations, but that's good. Yeah, let's. Let's get it to them.

[A]

If they could not get through, they were supposed to set up camp on Littleton island and send a relief party over land to help Adolphus withdraw and take him out. Okay, so plan.

[B]

I agree. There is a plan.

[A]

Ship once again is the Proteus. It is led by first Lieutenant Ernest Garlington. That name right there gives you tons of confidence.

[B]

Absolutely. Oh, he's a Garlington. I think we'll be.

[A]

He's doing the full. He's going to do a full Garlington.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. And it had an escort ship, the gunboat Iantic, which Lincoln asked for.

[B]

I just sucked this ship's dick because what. Huh?

[A]

I don't think you.

[B]

I'm an escort.

[A]

But because the antic mostly sailed instead of use steam because it had all these supplies.

[B]

What's the thinking there? Oh, just because they're just like efficiency, should they let me just. Bottom line, what's happening? They don't give a. About these people.

[A]

They do, do they? Sending two ships.

[B]

Yes, but they're sailing ships.

[A]

Well, no, the Proteus is not a sailing ship.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Well, it is a steam, but they, they don't have enough in there to keep the steam engine running. Because it' of supplies.

[B]

Well, that's bad planning.

[A]

They had to do a trade off. So.

[B]

So what, the escort ship is going to run the supplies off of the Proteus?

[A]

No, the escort ship falls behind because it's, it's using sailing.

[B]

But that was thinking that they were going to load up on the escort ship, the supply, the rations, and then that that ship would go to shore or go as close as they could.

[A]

No, they're, no, they're, they're. No, they're both full of supplies.

[B]

So you've got one. Okay. Okay. Well, you can't get on me for noting this because it doesn't sound good. It's not.

[A]

It's a. It's more supplies for the boys.

[B]

Less, dude, less. Do two trips.

[A]

Well, here's the problem, and I guess you might have clocked this. It's going slower and it gets separated from the producer and then the Proteus gets crushed in the ice pack and sinks in late July.

[B]

So.

[A]

But then they got the other ship.

[B]

Full of stuff, which is nowhere, which is also now stranded. They're eating their own supplies. Now that sailing ships, they did what that sailing ship is, is just a great vacation.

[A]

So the crew of the Proteus makes for the upper Navic island and they hold up there. But all this means is that there's no supplies for Adolpheus for three years now in August of 1883, they still do have a lot of supplies, but orders were that. But orders are if, if no one has come by this time that they abandoned Fort Conger and head south to meet the Proteus. Because they're like, obviously the ship can't there. So you got to, you got to walk down to where the ship is. So, so they're going to walk down the coast until there's, until there's no more ice, and then that's where the ship will be. Like, that's the thinking.

[B]

Yeah. But it sank, Gareth.

[A]

They're going to meet.

[B]

It sank. No, they're not.

[A]

How would they know that?

[B]

This is.

[A]

I. Okay, so you are. You actually have come up. You have identified an issue.

[B]

Yes. The produce doesn't exist any longer. The idea that you could just. This is like this remind me of before cell phone. It was like before cell phones you used to make. You'd be like, Friday, 8pm I'll meet you there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Can you imagine four days in between of just. That's where I'm going to be at that time that night. And you're going to go, this is the Arctic 1800s version of that, but with supplies, rations, and your existence on the line.

[A]

I know. I know exactly how this feels because I think it was 1983. I was supposed to friends at the parkade in Fairfax. And I thought it was five, I thought it was six, but it was five. And we were going to a Judas Priest concert. So I get down there at 6 and they had waited like 20 minutes and left. And they're at the concert and I'm just sitting in the parkade for a couple hours with my ticket and I couldn't go to Judas Priest. So I know exactly how this feels.

[B]

Yes. Yes. It's this the same. It's the same. It's basically the same.

[A]

That was like death to me.

[B]

Yes. And you had no clue.

[A]

I had no idea. I also didn't know the lead singer was gay. Because we were.

[B]

Okay, now you're losing the whole three. You were already thin. Now you're gone.

[A]

I just thought he was a guy that dressed in leather.

[B]

Yeah, but so stick to what we're talking about. It's not about Rod Alperin or whatever his name is, Alford.

[A]

It's all about Alfred. Okay. So they have lots of supplies. They're going to head south. Most of the men, however, think leaving Fort Conger is suicide. They're like, this is really dumb. I think because of the point you brought up that it's dumb because they're like, well, how do we know.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That we're going to go meet a ship.

[B]

What if it's not there?

[A]

But. But he was. Adolphus was given strict orders. So he's like, well, we're following our orders. Like we follow orders. So they go, like you brought up, unfortunately, the Proteus is at the. Is at the bottom. It's bottom of the ocean.

[B]

Is there not a relief backup? Do we not have a backup? Proteus?

[A]

There is. The other one's cruising around.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And. And the guys in the Proteus where they ended up, they were able to walk over to Greenland, I believe. So even the guys that were on the Proteus because they. Because when the ship gets crushed, they all just get off it on the ice. They didn't it?

[B]

No. Well, I guess we should walk to Greenland.

[A]

So they do. Adolphus and men do have small boats. 40 days of rations. They. They can carry 40 days of rations. They brought all their scientific instruments. They brought all the record that, you know, they. They were doing work. They were doing work. And then they. On top of that, they have absolutely no morale Just zero morale. Negative morale. Military discip. Complete tatters. Adolphins, Adolphus's second in command, had quit just days after they arrived two years ago. So they had. They had a guy who got to Fort Conger and two days after being there, quit where he wasn't. He's just there.

[B]

He's there.

[A]

It's like. It's like when you. If you're living with someone. Relationship with a girl, and you break up with her, and you're like, we still live together. It's that. But it's two years in the Arctic.

[B]

And he must have just been like, well, fucked that up again, didn't you? Adolphus, shut up. Quitting day two is crazy.

[A]

Yeah, it really is. So he's there also. The doctor had quit two years into the mission.

[B]

What is he gonna do? He's like, I'm looking for other work.

[A]

I. I don't know. I don't know what else he's gonna do. I guess that just means Adolphus can't tell you what to do anymore. But you're still being fed and there. And you're just. You're just in the corner. You've quit. You're in the corner.

[B]

Corner, quitter, quiet quitting.

[A]

So, yeah, they have no way to leave. So they're there. So the second guy. The second. The. The second in command guy, yeah, he still did some hunting. He would go out and hunt and give him food and stuff.

[B]

I retired.

[A]

The doctor. If there was an emergency medical situation, the doctor would help. But I think he wouldn't help for the smaller medical stuff. He was just like, oh, I don't care about your foot. Like, go. Go yourself.

[B]

I think it's gangrenous. You'll be all right. Stop. Yeah, I don't do that. I'm retired. I'm a glassblower now. There's no glass. Well, when I get back, I'm gonna do that. That's what I'm gonna do when I get back. Honestly.

[A]

Everyone else really could just barely hold back their contempt for Adolphus. His leadership was awful. So they end up traveling for two months.

[B]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[A]

I remember they have 40 days of rations.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They had three small boats. And they often had to drag them over ice or ice floes and wait days or weeks until the ice released them so they could go, like another. Like another kilometer.

[B]

Like, it was like, God, how do you be honest? No, I just go. I go, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna actively do everything in my power to die.

[A]

I don't know how a group of them did not stay there. I would have been like, I'm not going with you guys. You guys are out of your fucking.

[B]

Just waiting three weeks to move a boat a kilometer.

[A]

Yeah. Gareth the Dollop is brought to you by Helix Sleep.

[B]

Oh, Dave.

[A]

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[B]

I'm missing mine.

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We both have. Yeah, you're on the road right now, so you don't have the joy that I'm having, which is my Helix dusk luxe mattress, which my son likes so much that we had to give him ours. And we got the new one. He's not getting the new one. But the whole family has Helix Sleep mattresses because they make sleeping so much better. They really are great. We've had it for years now. Like six years or something.

[B]

I'm under that, but still.

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And. And I sleep so much better. I used to get really hot on the old mattress I had, and this one, I don't get the little backache I had. I'm just sleeping like a baby. Like a little, tiny baby. Like, literally a small, small baby.

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Take it from me, who's in a new bed most nights right now. You just. You can't beat it. Oh, it's the best.

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And you can beat.

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Stop.

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So we're big fans, and I. I wear a little sleep watch thing, and my sleep watch is like, congratulations, you did it again.

[B]

God, it's the best. It is the best. The pillows, too. Yeah, they're doing whatever they're doing whatever they're doing. They. They figured it out.

[A]

And I love that it comes to your house in a box, and you open it up and it.

[B]

Yeah, that is. I. I think in general, we could just say the. The revolution of boxing. I mean, mean, let's go. You just cut it. I used to cut it out, and you free it like a bed gremlin.

[A]

I used to have a hard time sleeping through the night, and I definitely had that little back pain, and I'm just not. Wait a minute.

[B]

Do you take it out of the box? I've been sleeping on the box.

[A]

Oh, Gareth, no. It's so much better out of the box.

[B]

I don't think that's possible, my man. No, that box is hella comfy. That is a hella comfy box bed. I thought that's why they call it a box spring.

[A]

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Leave us alone about it. Sorry, I'm taking out of your tone. I shouldn't be.

[A]

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[B]

Yep.

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[B]

Yeah.

[A]

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[B]

Oh, buddy boy.

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[B]

Do it.

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[B]

Do it.

[A]

Tell them Dave's. Tell them Dave sent you and give him a yell.

[B]

Yell it at him.

[A]

Yeah, scream it.

[B]

Yell. Dave did this.

[A]

So Adolphus now seems depressed and he what's going on? He's sad.

[B]

What's going on?

[A]

That's not what he pictured. He just pictured that the marriage would be better. And now, you know, it's a couple years in and it's not what he thought so. So now guys who are, like, natural leaders start to, like, kind of just naturally take over, be leaders. David Brainard is one, and George Rice, the photographer. George Rice is like, you know, a dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The other guys are a drag. There's other guys that are like. They have a drunkard.

[B]

How's he maintaining his drunkardness? They have dudes.

[A]

I don't know, but he's called the drunkard the whole time. William Cross, he's a drunkard. I don't know how he's drinking, but he must be by a pass. Or maybe he was. Maybe he had a still up there.

[B]

I guess. I mean, of all, like, it's gonna be hilarious. Only everything we need, and he'll be like, and my rum maker. I don't know. I mean, we're really trying to cull the herd as much as possible up here. Here.

[A]

We're gonna bring my still.

[B]

I don't think we. You still. You're still. Well, we would really rather use your strength for the mission, Bill.

[A]

This is the mission. God damn it.

[B]

Bill. Bill. I don't know if we can bring this still. Okay. I. I think we might have Bill and his still.

[A]

That's how it goes. So that's what it's going to be. Why don't you do this?

[B]

If the sooner you help us get the boat on the other side of this and we can meet the Proteus, the sooner we'll be able to have all the drinks when we get back. So I think it's going to be best if we use your. How? Please.

[A]

How do you get to the produce and not be like boys? We brought the party.

[B]

We have.

[A]

Don't think about that.

[B]

No, they're gonna.

[A]

They're gonna be.

[B]

We have different missions. We have different missions.

[A]

They're gonna be like, you're.

[B]

They have booze. They have it. So we'll just.

[A]

Then let's meet and.

[B]

Let go of the still. Let go of the still. Let's go. Let go of it. Let go of it. Let go of the still. We're not doing this. Let it go. What? I figured out why he's got the hole in the front.

[A]

I married her when we were up in Fort Converg.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

My lady. You can't leave her.

[B]

William. William. William. I don't know why we tried to hire a drunk.

[A]

Yeah, but the ad said drunk for Arctic Expedition.

[B]

I know. We just. I think we saw this going a lot better, and we kind of thought you'd be comic relief, but quite frankly, You've become just pathetic.

[A]

Cheers.

[B]

Okay. All right, we'll bring this.

[A]

Also, Dr. Peavey hated Adolphus. And Dr. Peavey's a schemer, so he's always in the background trying to get the boys to do stuff against.

[B]

I'm Dr. Peavey. I'm a little skeevy.

[A]

Now, some of the guys who have influence, which includes P A V, Y. What are you gonna say? Pavy. Pavy.

[B]

P, A, V. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's a weird one. And Rice start plotting to declare, officially, by military rules, declare Adolphus insane so they can relieve him of command and then head back to Fort Conger, where they think it's safer. They're like, we just got to go back there.

[B]

And 100% are right. Yep.

[A]

But they need Brainerd to agree, because he is, like, I think the next in command. He has a lot of influence, and he refuses to go along. So the mutiny dies. They're not going back to Fort Conger. And in mid October, they reach land. Now, when did they leave? They left in. I think they left in August. Oh, my God. Okay, so mid October, they reach land. Ellesmere Island. And the sun has now almost disappeared for the winter. That's eight months of.

[B]

Hey, it could get bad soon. You guys just prep yourself for things maybe taking a sad, dark turn. Soon. The sun disappear in ice.

[A]

You guys ready to get really depressed?

[B]

Hopefully soon, because the sun's leaving, huh? Yeah, the sun goes for a while, you know.

[A]

You know, the only thing that gives us a tiny bit of daily hope.

[B]

You know, when it came to nature, our only friend. Yeah. That probably dips for a bit. Bit.

[A]

Eight months.

[B]

That dips for eight months. So hopefully the Proteus is close.

[A]

George Rice heads out.

[B]

I get mad when my lift turns around.

[A]

George Rice heads out to explore, to see what's nearby. And he finds. He finds out what happened to the Proteus because he finds they. They left a note. And he finds the note.

[B]

Dear guys, oh, boy. This is a deer.

[A]

They did leave 40 days worth of food. So with the note. So he. He brings that back, and Adolphus and his men start building winter shelters. So they take. They build up low stone walls, and then they use the small boats as roofs.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

So a boat. It's a boathouse as far as I'm concerned.

[B]

That update, like, reading that. What does the note say? Well, it's really not great news, I guess. I guess the Proteus sank. So what we should do is we're gonna use the boats as roofs for eight months. But we have food for 40 days. So that's.

[A]

It's what it's not.

[B]

It's what's more food than we had.

[A]

So, yeah, we're fine. If you think about eight months and 40 days, I think that's the same.

[B]

We're just looking for what I call is a edible Hanukkah.

[A]

So they got their little boathouses. They name it Eskimo Point Point. Which is now called Wade Point because that's extremely offensive.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And when. When Rice comes back and tells them about the Proteus and the food that was left, they decide, hey, what kind.

[B]

Of shape is she in, boys? How's she looking over there? Hopefully they got those dicks cleaned. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna eat a goose as soon as we get on board. I can't wait to get back and meet my sweet filler us. She's probably ready for a rogering like you wouldn't believe. Imagine being wait to be upon the ship, the Proteus side of the ship. Oh, I cannot wait.

[A]

I didn't know we were gonna do a song.

[B]

Ah. I thought we were all singing. Did you guys get into that? I didn't know.

[A]

I didn't. I didn't. I did not know we were singing a song.

[B]

This one's called Relationship.

[A]

It's not a great time for a song because we just found out.

[B]

Hold on now. Before you tell us what kind of shape the Proteus is in, let's finish the song. We're about to go to heaven Heaven on a ship we're about to ride to heaven this will never dip. We're excited as a crew and I will say I love you my boys, my chums, my friends, my guys. We're going on a ride. The Proteus. The Proteus. It exists for sure. And then we're gonna take it to the shore. Spelled different. Hey, the Proteus. You're a glorious. We're definitely riding on the ship real soon.

[A]

It sunk.

[B]

The walk here's been hell, so this'll be real's. What? What did you say?

[A]

It sunk.

[B]

Sweet mother of fucking God.

[A]

All the guys who were saying, let's go back to Fort Cong where we're. Right, you fucking asshole.

[B]

We're gonna eat the dogs, aren't we? We're gonna eat the dogs. We're eating a little dog.

[A]

I mean, the. The puppies are good because they're fresh.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So. Yeah. So he comes back, he tells him about the Proteus, and they decide, let's go a little bit north to Prim Island. I don't know. I don't know. So Prim island is a fucking hellhole which is super exposed to awful weather from the open ocean.

[B]

Hey, let's go there.

[A]

If they got 30 km further, there was a fjord and in there pretty calm. And also tons of hunting in the fjord. So much hunting that a later expedition would go through there and set up a hunting camp to go back and get food there. Like, it's like a. Like they would have been fine if they just got a little.

[B]

When they found out about that, that must have been furious.

[A]

I need another co host. So on Pym island, they built stone walls and they put the biggest boat over it. So it's a big. It's a big boat house. They covered it with a. A plastic cover like thing. Tarpaulin, whatever it's called. Whatever. Whatever that is. I don't know. It wouldn't be plastic back then, but whatever. It's insulate with snow. And then they hunker down for the winter. They're like, this is gonna be a winter house.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah, that's like a. Yeah, yeah, you do that.

[B]

Get that in here. What's cold, Bring it in.

[A]

Now tons of them are science guys, so they're all writing journals. Over 50,000 rations had been shipped north by the army in those three resupply ships between July 1882 and August 1883. So they were supposed to have left much of that if all of it in different places for these guys to find. But in reality, out of the 50,000 rations, only 1,000 had been put ashore. All the rest had either been brought back or sunk with the Proteus.

[B]

Well, what's cool is that they think it's there, so they'll just be able to look for it forever.

[A]

And the, the second ship, the. Whatever it is, the, the. What's it called? The whatever. The gunboat thing. Yeah, that. That also left very little supplies that went back. Like it also didn't. So it's. Yeah, it's not. It. It's not good.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But the ones who had made those decisions or their bosses were now saying, it's all good. And we're very confident that the men are fine because why wouldn't they be? Because I did it. They're like. They're eating deer and rabbits and they have the canned blueberries. Yeah, they got canned blueberries. Like, it's great. They even had some cake, which they brought up in 1881, but Jesus Christ.

[B]

We left them a Cake. Could you guys relax? They have a cake.

[A]

But Adolphus does the math, and he realizes with very strict rationing, they only have enough food to last into March. And that's months before local water. Local waters would lose the ice and reopen again for them to take their boat. So the plan is for them to wait and take the boats they have back to Camp Cape sabine. So on the 16th of October. So we're in October, November, December, January, February, March. So we're six months out from just that. That Commander Wilds wrote Secretary of the Navy William Chandler, quote, I have no fears for. Lt. Greeley, who is living in a region reportedly well stocked with game, has economized on his provisions. The rocks and waters abound in walrus. On the neighboring mainland, reindeer are reported numerous.

[B]

Trust me, they're basically in Santa's backyard yard. And when they don't want to eat reindeer, they're going to be eating beautiful walrus eating. What is. So they're put. Trust me, it's pretty easy to take down a walrus. Don't worry about that. That's an easy kill. They're tiny. That'll be easy. That is such a way to just get away from any culpability. Trust me, boys, they're eating a lot of walrus.

[A]

Yeah, they're fine up there. Would I have left them if they.

[B]

Weren'T just covered in reindeer just carving into some beef? Trust me, I'm sure they're having a delightful time.

[A]

So a court of inquiry. A court of inquiry was held in November, and the commander in charge, Hazen, said they had enough between dropped off supplies and native food to live comfortably through the winter. But still, on the 17th of December, President Arthur created a military board to make rescue recommendations. So even though a bunch of the guys are like, they're fine, they're fine. They're still like, we probably shouldn't just leave.

[B]

That. They're not tit deep in walrus blubber.

[A]

So this would be the first time since Adolphus left that explorers with actual Arctic experience were consulted.

[B]

Oh, my God. God.

[A]

So it's. We're like, how long have they been there? They've been there almost two years. I think it's two years. At this point, they're probably.

[B]

No, stop. Very negative.

[A]

So Adolphus, it turns out, was better at commanding men who were going through hardship than during peaceful, happy times.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And he does his best to maintain discipline as his manner is slowly deteriorating through starvation. He even tried to distract them, but by putting on a lecture series with Topics like the grain products of the United States.

[B]

So sort of like an arctic patch. Atoms. Like.

[A]

How, how, how, how mad. Let's take me. How mad am I at the grain lecture?

[B]

Just the level of what. All right, man, just relax. I'm just trying to tell you a little bit about grain. Hey, here's a fucking idea. Let's not talk about shit we can't eat.

[A]

And now, the roast beef of the Midwest.

[B]

Now let me walk you through another tasty smoke soup. Welcome to my Soup Talks. Hot. Oh, a hot, well flavored goulash. My boys Stu Stew studio.

[A]

My lecture is called Mashed Potatoes with Gravy.

[B]

All right, now on installment nine of how good mashed potatoes and gravy are. Now, what I want to talk about today are the little bigger chunks of potatoes that are sometimes in the mashed potatoes and why that really works well for me.

[A]

Of course, the guys who hated Adolphus still hate Adolphus.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because of how he treated them at Fort Conger. And they're never going to forgive him. So there's always this, you know, underlying thing of hatred. One guy, Ellison, gets his fingers so frostbitten that Dr. Peavey has to amputate the them. So from that point on, others had to feed him by hand, and they gave him extra rations to make up for it.

[B]

Hey, I know you lost your finger. Want a little more cheese? He had to cut his fingers off. Jesus Christ. May I have another cracker, considering I just have the base of the hand now? Absolutely. You've earned it.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

There you go. Now I'm gonna throw it up in here. You just. You just. Just catch it with your mouth.

[B]

There you go. Like. You know how we've never been able to kill a walrus? How? They eat.

[A]

So the food is in a small, separate storehouse outside the main shelter. And the storehouse is locked. But each day, Sergeant Brainerd handed every man his ration, which was weighed to a fraction of an ounce. But the storehouse, as you can imagine, was super easy to break into, even with the log. And at night, which is all the time people are stealing food.

[B]

Oh, I can't. You just imagine what you're just like. Got a bit of a sweet tooth. Just going in there. Just like, housing whatever dehydrated things are in there.

[A]

When it's dark, I'm going in there to get all the cheese.

[B]

It's only dark.

[A]

It's just.

[B]

So.

[A]

After two and a half months, William Cross, the drunk, died. And they buried him in some loose rock and Gravel, which is like a high, dry portion of a river valley where the water no longer floats. So I think you can picture that it's like a long.

[B]

What I'm hearing is that it's accessible.

[A]

Right. They called this Cemetery Ridge.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And they scraped out a shallow hole in the frozen ground and then covered the body with what gravel they could find.

[B]

I mean, I guarantee you, like, someone was like, let's dig him a grave. And then it was, like, impossible to dig. And one of the guys was like, what the fuck are we doing? It doesn't matter. Just put rocks over him. That's a good idea. We'll just put rocks over him.

[A]

There were some animals around. They shot a fox here and there. But Arctic foxes are tiny. Yeah. Once divided up, each arctic fox was basically just a mouthful of meat for each guy.

[B]

Enjoy it, boys.

[A]

They did manage to kill a polar bear.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

And while that was a nice bit of food, it just basically extended the suffering for a couple more weeks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They were near open water, so they tried to catch shrimp with nets.

[B]

That water was so cold.

[A]

And they were able to for a bit. Each guy suddenly found himself eating a pound of shrimp a day.

[B]

Is this the story of Red Lobster?

[A]

But they're oily little buggers and they have a lot of fat, so this leads to digestive problems. So everyone is diarrhea ing as a addition to the awesomeness. And your stomach, your tum tum hurts all the time.

[B]

The shrimp shits. This is the story of sizzling.

[A]

It is. But even with the diarrhea, Arctic diarrhea, The shrimp does keep them alive for long.

[B]

Arctic diarrhea is something they serve at Dairy Queen.

[A]

And then the dogs need to be groomed. Groomed of their meat, right?

[B]

Yes. Eaten.

[A]

Yeah. At some point. The dogs were not going to make it. The dogs are now food.

[B]

Oh, wow. Your dogs heard that?

[A]

Yeah. And as they grow more desperate, Rice and another guy decide to try to walk across the ice to Greenland and hope to find some Inuit who would save everyone. It's so funny, but once they get.

[B]

Out there, it's just comical. The plight of the wight is so comical. Give us everything, you piece of shit. Hey, could you teach us how to survive on the land? We're sorry. We're sorry.

[A]

Yeah. So they get out there, they walk away, and they. Then they come to open water. This is called the Pollyanna, which is an area of permanently open water. So it's a place that just doesn't freeze. And they had no idea that if they'd walked a little bit north. That would have ended at just 30km north. And then they could have just crossed, but they didn't know, so they went back. But Rice isn't like. Like, the photographer is, like, the biggest badass. He's not going to give up. And he and a different guy then decide that they're going to go 50km south, where there's supposed to be a cache of food at Cape Isabella, which had been left by an earlier British expedition. And they get there. They walk the 50km, but rice is now exhausted. He's been walking so much, and he dies in the other guy's arms on the way back. And then that guy doesn't have the strength to drag all of that. What was essentially meat alone. So he just leaves it on the ice with Rice's body.

[B]

Jesus Christ. How'd it go?

[A]

He gets back. Where's. Where's rice?

[B]

Rice behind you. How close is rice? You guys get any meals? We're hungry.

[A]

Rice was. When I left him. He looked like a kernel of rice. He was very small.

[B]

Where's the meat?

[A]

And the meat is with rice.

[B]

Boy, that sounds good. That sounds like a really good order. Man in.

[A]

I put. I left the meat on rice.

[B]

H. It sounds like a halal.

[A]

And the. And there was water splashing over it like gravy.

[B]

Hey, you know, either way, we're doing good here, so. Yeah. You want to eat a puppy's tooth? We're doing good here, too. Yeah. Here you go.

[A]

That's interesting. I do actually want to eat.

[B]

Chew that a little bit. That'll be fun.

[A]

So now they're just dying one by one.

[B]

One.

[A]

Each guy who dies, they bury on Cemetery Ridge. The lecture series has stopped.

[B]

I am retiring my grain series. We'll do my master class on quinoa when we get back.

[A]

Now they're pretty much just talking about food.

[B]

You know, they're discussing. I'd eat so many of those right now. 80. I eat all of them. Them.

[A]

They're discussing the best. Each guy says the best food they've ever eaten.

[B]

You know what else is good? Pie.

[A]

I love pie.

[B]

Pie is really good.

[A]

Pie.

[B]

Pumpkin pie is really good.

[A]

They talk about dream meals that they'd have if they lived.

[B]

Oh, that's so sad.

[A]

It's kind of all some of them had thought about. They were just sitting around thinking about food. Yeah, I get it. Of course, in Brainerd's journal, he has an entire page devoted to his food obsessions, as well as the favorite dishes of other men.

[B]

Oh, my God. Just so hungry.

[A]

They are still rationing what they had, and men are still stealing food. And then there's a secret that some men are doing. They're cutting pieces of meat off dead bodies and having a snack.

[B]

I knew it. Oh, crikey. Oh, they're going to the ridge.

[A]

How else are you gonna live? Look, Gareth, if I ever die, you are totally free to eat me.

[B]

I will eat you.

[A]

Start with the ass.

[B]

Ass first.

[A]

Everyone kind of knew that Dr. Peevey was stealing some of Ellison's extra rations. When he fed the fingerless Ellison, he.

[B]

Probably ate those fingers.

[A]

So he's like. He's like, feeding him, but he's like, one for you, one for me, one for the doctor.

[B]

Are you eating my fingers, doctor?

[A]

Now, the biggest, most shameless food theft was done by Charles Henry.

[B]

If we're shaving meat off of dead guys that we were on this journey with, and there's a larger food crime, Henry is.

[A]

He was a big boy when everything's. Like, when they got there. Henry was a big boy at the beginning of the expedition. And when he was at Fort Conger, he somehow put on another 10 kg, which is 22 pounds.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

So he gained weight. So he was like, bring me another walrus. Like, he is.

[B]

Is.

[A]

He's. He's eating.

[B]

He's our big guy.

[A]

He's a stress eater.

[B]

Sure. Yeah.

[A]

So Adolphus keeps warning him to not steal food. He's like, you have to stop stealing food. But for some reason, Henry thought that he would be the last guy alive.

[B]

Well, if he's stealing all the food.

[A]

So he thought he could come up with a narrative to tell the rescuers when they came because he'd be the only guy alive.

[B]

He must have thought a lie of, like, just, like, alive.

[A]

He thought he'd be the only guy alive at the end. He must have thought because he had more fat on him or.

[B]

How do we know this? Through the journal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So. So he must have thought that he has more fat on him so he'll last.

[B]

I. I think. I would think that that makes some.

[A]

Bit of sense in these situations, the skinnier guys usually die first. Like that's a good thing.

[B]

Yeah, I would think a lot of fat would be helpful.

[A]

So he's just ignored.

[B]

Shavings off yourself. I'm delicious.

[A]

That got really upsetting.

[B]

Hey, want to know a little secret? I've been eating my back fat.

[A]

Well, that's nothing surprising.

[B]

You want us here. You want a piece of.

[A]

So he. He's just ignoring Adolphus when Adorph is. Adolphus is like, stop eating. Stop stealing food. So in early June, Adolphus was done. He writes a note to three of the strongest men remaining. And there's not that many guys left. I feel like there's like nine or ten left at this point. And the note, it says that they are to execute Henry for continuing continually stealing food. So he gives three of the men bullets, but one of them is blank. So they won't know who kills them. And when they're outside, they start to move on Henry, but Henry sees them and rushes at them and they shoot him and they kill him.

[B]

Jesus Christ. The blank bullet thing is wild, isn't it? Yeah. Because I would imagine you'd be like, I actually saw where mine went in. I killed and be like, all right, well, whatever. Sorry. I'm glad he's dead. So most guys, a lot of food.

[A]

It is going to save a lot of food. So most guys have died. Like I said, the alive guys are barely alive. Winter ends and it starts warming and they. The plan is that they were going to row 50km to Greenland. That was the plan the whole time. Hunker down and then row. But they have no strength.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So they burn the wood in the boat.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And as the snow melts, their shelter is flooded. And, well, this can't get worse.

[B]

Oh, man. I'll tell you what. They ate the dogs, like, five months ago. Oh.

[A]

So they have to move to a dry beach between their camp and Cemetery Ridge, and they put up a tent, and they're just waiting to die now. Like, that's. They're just like it Now. Adolphus was married to a woman named Henrietta. And Henrietta, from the beginning, didn't like the sound of no food or supplies getting there. So. So she never stopped lobbying politicians in dc. She's like, send a rescue ship. She's just constantly being like, hey, what are you guys doing?

[B]

Stop.

[A]

One problem was that Secretary Lincoln from the beginning had despised and neglected the Greeley mission the entire time. I don't know why he didn't like it, but he hated the idea of the mission. And when that board was put together to recommend a rescue mission, and they did, and they said how to do it, then the resistance kind of ended and everyone was like, all right, so they send two small, fully equipped ships. The fetus and the bear.

[B]

Sure, whatever. All right. And then I'm gonna let my two year old name one Belle Belle Bow. All right.

[A]

So they headed up and they got to that latitude in the third week of June. This is very early in the season, and the men on one of the ships was looking at land for any indication or a message or anything. You know, they're just kind of standing.

[B]

Well, where the are they?

[A]

Well, they were just going up and down. Yeah, they were just going up and down the area. And then they see a guy out on a beach waving a tattered pair of underwear.

[B]

Hey, there's a skeleton showing us laundry. What do you think that is? Hey, look, I found the island from Pirates of the Caribbean.

[A]

I know. I think that's a pervert. He's just got. I think it's a pervert. He's got underwear.

[B]

That's a sexual ghost is what that is, you creep. Yeah, nice try. Yeah, he wants us to come there, then he's gonna eat us. Help. Help.

[A]

So they found them, man. Guess how many are alive.

[B]

5, 20.

[A]

25 to start with. Oh, 5, 25. 7.

[B]

7. Jesus Christ. 7.

[A]

But they are. They're. They're literally all like, they're hours from death. They're like, there's no way any of them would have lasted two more days. Like, they are like, hours from death.

[B]

Help.

[A]

So they get them on the ship. They also take the bodies on Cemetery Ridge. And in doing so, they notice that there are chunks of flesh carved out.

[B]

What happened to the guys?

[A]

Squirrels.

[B]

Did they have knives? They're very neat.

[A]

Yeah, the. The meat squirrels, they're very.

[B]

They're neat.

[A]

Little clever. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They have knife hands, the meat squirrels.

[B]

I don't have fingers.

[A]

So the men said they had cut off pieces of the dead to use for bait when they were fish.

[B]

Fishing? Yeah, it was for fishing. Nothing fish is better than a little human flesh.

[A]

But honestly, who in the world is like, how dare you eat other people when you started? I mean, it's a thing I never get, like. I'm like, yeah, you ate the guy.

[B]

It's a matter of time, I think, really put yourself in that position. I mean, I. I don't. I think survival instincts kicks in and you go, I will start. I. I guess what, I lowered my standards out there when I was dying.

[A]

So figureless. Ellison had made it this far, but he was not going to make it back on the ship. He had survived because the men had given him extra rations to make up for his suffering in the final weeks. They had tied a spoon to the stump of his hands so he could feed himself if everyone else died first.

[B]

That is so top 10 dogs. Said on this show.

[A]

He'S doing kind of the best part of a lot of spoon handed him because he was getting extra rations. And then they're like.

[B]

Well, because that guy. When you're, like, picking everyone up, and then one of the guys comes over with his spoon hand. I mean, he's literally a Soundgarden song. Hey, got room for one more? Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. This ghost has spoon hands. Oh, my golly, golly, golly. Hi.

[A]

Imagine the conversation where they're like, you know, Ellison probably might outlive us because he got extra rations. Do you think we should tie spoons to his hands?

[B]

Calories are low. We'll just tie a spoon to his hands.

[A]

Is there a. A vat of pudding around? What are you gonna use the spoon for?

[B]

He's just trying to car meat out of the dead. Oh, no.

[A]

Here, Ellison. This is for when you want to eat dirt.

[B]

Maybe one of them could be a knife. No, no, we'll do spoons on each.

[A]

Once he was on the rescue ship and being fed properly and in a warm cabin, his circulation increased, which led to gangrene setting in, and he. And he died three days after rescue from gangrene.

[B]

Ah.

[A]

Remember when you said it was dark when they were just putting spoons on his hand?

[B]

Oh, he got warm and died. You know, it turns out the weather was doing him a real favor. Oh, my Lord.

[A]

One of the worst deaths ever in the history of the dollop.

[B]

That's crazy, right? I. I just. It's the saddest. The saddest, yes. The idea that he was. He had spoon hands, and then they. They. The second that they. That he feels warm, that probably feels good. They're like, well, the infection's everywhere. That'll be a wrap on you.

[A]

So when they get back, the eating each other thing, of course, makes the front page of the papers. The New York Times. It's a big deal. But. But, you know, everyone loves a cannibalism story, so that's going to make news in the end. Six guys make it back and live. That included Adolphus and Brainerd. The crazy thing about Adolphus is he was super skinny at the beginning, and skinny ones usually die first. But somehow he survived.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

So Adolphus stayed in the army and eventually became a general. Brainard also became a general. Every year on June 22, the anniversary of the rescue, Adolphus and Brainerd got together to eat one of the menus that they and the other man had. Fantasy.

[B]

Listen to what you just said. They got together to eat one of the men. That was where. No, no, I know. Menus. What? I. I Was like, what they stored.

[A]

The guys in every year.

[B]

Yeah. Like a bottle of wine.

[A]

So they ate one of the. They cooked and ate one of the menus that the other men had fantasized at about. Camp Clay. When Adolphus Greenlee died in 1935 at the age of 91, Brainerd became the last survivor of the expedition. Quote, to be the last man is a lonesome job.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Like, who. I just. I can never get over the, like, guys who are like, I'm gonna go explore the Arctic. Like, have you heard the story? Have you heard the stories?

[B]

Let me ask you this. Were a lot of these missions successful? I know we focus on the terrible. There had to be, like, some good ones, but it just seems like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, it wasn't like air travel. You weren't like. Most likely I'll make. You were like, this could go real bad. Bad.

[A]

It goes south for a lot of them, a shitload of them. And, yeah, there's a lot that go. I mean, I. There's still a ton more that didn't go well, but there are ones that went fine and they made it back. And, you know, the famous ones are the ones that didn't.

[B]

As they should be. There's the.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just. It really. You. You even hearing it, you just feel I would wilt so quickly and I would not make it. I would not.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I would die.

[A]

Yeah. Sources. The U.S. naval Institute Disaster at Lady Franklin Bay by Andrew Jempeller, Explorers Web, which I know is.

[B]

You're a big. That's the magazine. I do a lot of their stuff.

[A]

Big reader of.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Great survival stories. The Greely Expedition by Jerry Kabalenko and the National Park Service. Adolphus Greenlee. Washington is the name of that one. So that's it. That's.

[B]

That's. That's a bad one. That's a bad one, everybody. I'll never forget the one where we did it in Australia live, where one of the guys looked at another guy and ate his finger in front, bit his finger off like he was mad and had frostbite. But I don't know. Know, given a guy, Spoon Paw is pretty dark.

[A]

Spoon paws. First of all, it's the name of the. That's the name of the book.

[B]

But his book, it is just on the COVID with a spoon on one hand and a pen in the other. My book, Spoonpaw.

[A]

Spoon Paw is the best sound garden song, though.

[B]

Hey, Dollop fans, I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop. You're like, gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember, of the rube, you can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome, awesome animation of the rube. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube.