710 - Johnny Appleseed - live

Summary

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The Dollop Episode 710: Johnny Appleseed (Live)

Overview

In this raucous live episode, comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds dive into the real, bizarre, and unexpectedly profound history of Johnny Appleseed—born John Chapman. As usual, Dave plays the straight-man historian (to the extent possible), recounting Chapman's journey from oddball frontier wanderer to American folk myth, while Gareth riffs, satirizes, and derails into comedic asides. The episode unpacks Johnny’s peculiar life: his unconventional apple planting, pacifism, mystical faith, devotion to animal welfare, and truly wild fashion and lifestyle choices. Listeners get a portrait of a man far stranger—and more interesting—than the sanitized legend taught in school.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Early Life and Family Chaos (02:30-06:30)

• John Chapman’s mother died in 1776 during childbirth, the baby also perishing. His father returned from war, remarried a woman with many children, and the resulting blended family—14 people—shared a 400 sq ft house.
• Gareth: "So 450 people, that's pretty good. That's what we're getting close to now." (05:57)

2. Escape to the West — American Expansion, Native Relations (06:40-09:00)

• John and his half-brother left the crowded home, moving across the Ohio River to the western frontier, then a border between white settlers and native peoples.
• The Ohio Company of Associates offered free land to those planting 50 apple and 20 peach trees, to encourage real settlement and discourage land-flipping.
• Dave: "This was the golden age of the speculator and land was gobbled up ... until someone dealt with the Indian problem." (08:27)

3. Labor, Wanderlust, and Trouble Settling Down (09:11-12:55)

• Johnny worked as an apple grower, loved the forest, and couldn’t stay put long enough to claim land. He'd plant orchards, then move on—losing his claims to others.
• Known for his wild endurance stunts and acts of neighborly kindness.

4. Peculiar Pacifism — Toward Animals, Plants, and People (16:32-19:05, 31:27-34:34)

• Johnny’s profits often went to buying pasture for abused horses; he couldn’t watch animals or plants suffer.
• He refused to graft apple trees, believing it hurt them:

  Dave: "He believed trees felt the knife, that they had souls. And grafting them did harm. Prove them wrong." (18:54)

• Johnny practiced extreme non-violence, going so far as to nurse wolf pups, refuse to swat mosquitoes, and put out campfires to save moths.

  Gareth: "That's the malaria line. ... Look at him enjoying me. Hey, Johnny. I'm out of here. Suck it, my boy. You too, mosquito." (32:05)

5. Why Apples? Cider, Not Food (19:23-24:56)

• Apples weren’t planted for eating but for making hard cider, which was more common than beer or wine.

  Dave: "He was giving people on the edge of the white world what they wanted most. The ability to get drunk." (22:53)

• Johnny’s apples were bitter—perfect for booze, not snacks.

6. Mystical Motivation: Swedenborgian Christianity (25:04-36:25)

• Johnny was a disciple of Emanuel Swedenborg, an 18th-century mystic who claimed to talk to angels, aliens, and spirits.
• Swedenborg taught that all living things have spiritual counterparts and that true holiness is “being useful,” even in heaven.

  Dave: "Plants and animals aren't just for human consumption. They're God's silent messengers and manifestations of human qualities, both good and bad." (31:27) Gareth: "Now that's fucking ludicrous. That's the malaria line." (32:05)

• Johnny preached celibacy; claimed two ghost women told him to abstain from sex on earth so they could "get rowdy" with him in the afterlife.

  Gareth: "Two hot ghost women came to me and said, 'Do not, because after all this, it's on.' I'd be like, you got it." (36:06)

7. Lifestyle Eccentricity: Clothes, Hygiene, and More (41:05-46:40)

• Lived simply, often homeless: wore a coffee sack, no shoes (after stepping on a worm), and a cooking pot as a hat for convenience.
• Maintained beautiful teeth (despite loving snuff), but almost certainly smelled horribly and rarely washed.

  Dave: "Let's just agree that Johnny Appa Seat smelled horrible." (46:35) Gareth: "Look, he was wearing a potato. The best thing he was wearing was ripped pants. He had a potato sack on, no shoes, and a cooking pot." (46:40)

8. Relationships with Settlers and Native Americans (56:56-70:52)

• Johnny was welcomed—or at least tolerated—by both white settlers and many native tribes, who saw his benevolence and pacifism.
• His epic barefoot, midnight run warning settlers at the onset of violence (War of 1812) helped make him a folk hero.

9. Later Years: Increasing Oddness, Loss of Reputation (72:18-75:53)

• His later years saw him threatening lawsuits over his orchards (somewhat absent-mindedly, while eating nuts), and the community began to sour on him for mooching food and having unkempt habits.
• His fashion grew more elaborate—at one point, he wore a pyramid of three hats (a brimmed hat, a pot, and a crown), kept his books between them, and wore the “waists of four pairs of pants” arranged as a cape to cover his lower half.

10. Death and Legacy (77:18-end)

• Died at 70, after a final charitable act fixing an orchard fence, alone but at peace, wearing his signature outlandish clothing:

  Dave: "For his final outfit, he wore, quote, the waists of four pairs of pants ... lapping like shingles to cover the whole lower part of his body. Over top it all ... a coarse coffee sack ... what was once pantaloons." (82:44)

• Gave all his estate (valued at $15,000 in today’s money) to his church. Tributes flowed in, with later writers framing him as a symbol of America at its most altruistic and nature-loving—though Gareth and Dave debate how apt that is.

  Dave (reading Allen Smart): "He embodies...the America that has never been interested in money or public opinion...that has nurtured life instead of destroying it." (88:08) Gareth: "Look, I would rather a country of Johnny Appleseeds. That would be better." (89:10)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Apple Grant Requirements:
  “It’s a great idea to just be like, yeah, you get it. You just gotta make it all tree. Everywhere is an orchard. I like that plan.” — Gareth (09:04)
• On Non-violence:
  “He could simply not watch an animal suffer. Or a plant.” — Dave (17:56)
• On Plant Grafting:
  “‘They can improve the apple in that way, but that is only a device of man. And it is wicked to cut up trees in that way. God only can improve the apples.’” — Johnny Appleseed quote, read by Dave (20:12)
• On Spiritual Motivation:
  “If two hot ghost women came to me and were like, ‘Do not, because after all this, it’s on,’ I’d be like, you got it? 100%.” — Gareth (36:06)
• On His Appearance:
  “The real Johnny Applesky scared the living shit out of people.” — Dave (58:23)
• On Hygiene:
  “He just had goulash hair.” — Gareth (46:32) “Let’s just agree that Johnny Appleseed smelled horrible.” — Dave (46:35)
• On His Death Attire:
  “So he cut off the butt part of four pairs of pants and buttoned them together as some sort of superpants. It’s called fashion.” — Dave (83:01)
• On His Legacy:
  “‘He embodies...the America that has never been interested in money or public opinion...that has nurtured life instead of destroying it. Johnny Appleseed stands for ourselves at our best.’” — Allen Smart, read by Dave (88:08) “Look, I would rather a country of Johnny Appleseeds. That would be better.” — Gareth (89:10)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Family background, Bunker Hill/Ohio intro: 02:30–06:30
• Frontier, Ohio Company, apple/peach grant: 06:40–09:00
• Obsessive apple growing, failure to settle: 09:11–12:55
• Animal/plant welfare, anti-grafting: 16:32–19:05; 31:27–34:34
• Apple cider over food, alcoholism: 19:23–24:56
• Swedenborgian faith, mystical experiences: 25:04–36:25
• Fashion, hygiene, pot hat, shoelessness: 41:05–46:40
• Relations with settlers and natives, War of 1812: 56:56–70:52
• Downfall in public image, three hats, “superpants”: 72:18–75:53
• Final days, death, legacy: 77:18–end

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Tone & Style

The episode’s tone is anarchic and irreverent, with rapid switches between deadpan reporting (Dave) and unfiltered, absurd riffing (Gareth). The live audience feeds into their improvisational style, especially as they lampoon Johnny’s lifestyle, spiritual beliefs, and the contrast between the myth and reality. The hosts continuously undermine the sanitized legend of Johnny Appleseed with details both comic and poignant, making the episode both laugh-out-loud funny and sneakily insightful.

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Summary

This episode peels back the apple-myth to reveal a uniquely American oddball: Johnny Appleseed as proto-environmentalist, mystic, itinerant pacifist, and living contradiction. While laughable in attire and habits, Johnny’s commitment to non-violence, generosity, and a (very) personal vision of how to leave the earth better shine through. The reality may be too odd for grade school textbooks—but it’s much more interesting, as only The Dollop could tell it.

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Research Credits:

• Research by Josh Androwski
• Sources: "Johnny Appleseed: The Man, The Myth, The American Story" by Howard Means; "Johnny Appleseed, Pioneer Hero" by W.D. Haley; Harper’s Magazine

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Transcript

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Dave Anthony]

You're listening to the Dollop. The Dollop?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

It'S an American history podcast where each week I, David Anthony, read from American history to a slob with his shirt open.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. I'm just a boy. Don't you get mad at me.

[Dave Anthony]

A little too casual for an audience of Columbus who are very well dressed people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can point out some evidence to counter your argument quite easily, mind you.

[Dave Anthony]

Nope. When you think of Ohio, you think of fashion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. A couple things real quick on our YouTube you can go there right now and we started to post the animated Rube Waddell episode that we had with Lakeside Animation. We're starting to post that. That's the Dollop podcast. Go there and watch it. And we also on November 24 are going to be doing a live event. Dave and I are going to be raising money for the Hollywood Food Coalition live on our YouTube at 6pm Pacific time where we are watching Cats the musical, the movie that everybody really was excited about. You can join us there at the Dollop podcast. That's our YouTube. Go there, join, subscribe, set the alarms and the alerts and comment and all that stuff. But we're going to be watching it live. Dave, are you excited?

[Dave Anthony]

No, but our friend Stu, who's been a listener for a long time, matched our goal and has already sent $10,000.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thousand Food Coalition.

[Dave Anthony]

So thank you, Stu. You are as always, a great, great gentleman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, it's not on the GoFundMe. We've posted a link to the GoFundMe. You can go on our socials and find that. But Stu just gave them ten grand from us, so. Amazing. So we're watching Cats and it's supposed to be really good. So you can watch live with us. 6pm on November 24th.

[Dave Anthony]

September 26th, 1774. Year of our Lord J Town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The JT.

[Dave Anthony]

The J Town. Also known as Party J.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

John Chapman was born in Le Minister, Massachusetts. Oh, you know, good for you. To Elizabeth and Nathaniel, a minuteman who fought at Bunker Hill. Tell us about Bunker Hill really quick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh boy. Well, first of all, it's the Bunker Hill University and Bunker Hill's a hell of a spot. Look, year round, whatever you want to Do Bunker Hill has it to offer you. You want to go sledding, bring the kids out, have a good weekend.

[Dave Anthony]

I was thinking more of the fighting that happened at Bunker Hill.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, the fighting at Bunker Hill. Crazy. Nobody saw the outcome of Bunker Hill being what it was. I think that's safe to say who won. Well, at the end, nobody. At the end of the day, nobody wins. War. War is just sort of perpetual struggle. And it's just really your chess pieces on, you know, pawns on the board.

[Dave Anthony]

Of the elites who was fighting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it felt like everybody. I'll tell you what it felt like. It felt like a family that didn't want to have a Thanksgiving din. But at the end of the day, they're a little glad they did. But there's still a lot of regrets. That's what makes it so famous, so renowned, so known. Is that the bunker. The whole thing with the first of all, Bunker Hill. A big old hill for the starters. That's a big guy. That's the sort of hill you want to sled down. No doubt. Which brings me back to sledding. There's year round opportunities and activities for anybody here at Bunker Hill. You want to have a taffy pull? Boy, howdy, are you going to have one? Bunker Hill is full of good, good times for friends and family. Bunker Hill. More like Bunker Hill. Bunker Hill. Brought to you by everybody's group. This Bunker Hill commercial was brought to you by the Historical Society of Accuracy. The Historical Society for Accuracy.

[Dave Anthony]

So if a friend brought you here, you've never really listened to the roles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're two historians. We're two. Hold on. The roles.

[Dave Anthony]

The roles are pretty well established.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Two history buffs sit up here and chew the fat. Two geniuses debate now. Go ahead. What do you think about Grail? What do you think it was all about a battle.

[Dave Anthony]

It was a war.

[Gareth Reynolds]

During this.

[Dave Anthony]

Archie Bunker.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, his chair.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right. Okay, so his mom died in the summer of 1776. So that's like, you know, less than two years while giving. She was giving birth while it happened. The other one, the little one, also didn't make it. When John was 7, his dad returned from the military and he said, I have a new family and it's really big. 14 of them now shared a 400 square foot house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, he had a. He started a second family while he was away at war. And he had that many.

[Dave Anthony]

What would you do? Yeah, well, he married into one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, he married into one.

[Dave Anthony]

She had a lot of kids, so she came. Having had yeah, she had.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. And then he married into that and then he was like, hey.

[Dave Anthony]

And then they moved into a 400 square foot house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So 450 people, that's pretty good. That's what we're getting close to now. That's already.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm just like, oh, kill me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that'd be horrible.

[Dave Anthony]

How do you do the sex?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How do you. Well, touching relatives.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm talking about with your wife. Not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. I mean with your wife.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, you see you're up against with your wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Wait, what? How do I do sex with your wife? You know about that. It's two history buffs who are. It's a tete. A tete of two history men.

[Dave Anthony]

You're listening to a poly American history podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

John and his half brother Nathaniel headed out west together to get away from this fucking crowded house. And they went across the Ohio river, which is beautiful. Nobody outside of your state knows where the fuck that is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To be fair, most rivers people are like, what is it?

[Dave Anthony]

The river was traditionally the line of demarcation between the the natives to the west and the whites to the east. But due to population booms and sprawling tendrils of capitalism, early Americans started devouring anything they lied their they laid their hand eyes on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is amazing to think there was a time where there was a line of like, you get the rest.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then we were like, hey, we want to renegotiate.

[Dave Anthony]

We would actually like everything, so we're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Going to need to push you back to the ocean. You see, we just are really good at this.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh boy. Aren't?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Trust us.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In the future everything will be a mall.

[Dave Anthony]

But for now, blankets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's why we celebrate Blanksgiving. Honor, tradition.

[Dave Anthony]

This was the golden end of the specks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Giving is so funny when you what a fucking handful of horseshit so early. And we thanked each other for everything we'd all done for each other. Here you are. What a big meal we shared. And that's why every year we eat billions of birds.

[Dave Anthony]

This was the golden age of the speculator and land was gobbled up by corporations and sat on until someone dealt with the Indian problem. In 1792, the Ohio Company of associates started giving away hundreds of acres of land to anyone settling outside of the white people zone of Ohio with the condition that they planted 50 apple trees and 20 peach trees.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, well look again, I'm not pro white on this one, but I do like this forcing of planting of apple and peach trees.

[Dave Anthony]

I like peaches. A lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's great. It's a great idea to just be like, yeah, you get it. You just got to make it all tree everywhere is an orchard. I like that plan.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

It was proof that they wanted to stay and not just sit on it or flip the land. And it is believed that John worked for an apple grower for years to earn his keep at his father's home. But nobody really knows. What is certain is as soon as he entered the forest, he never wanted to leave the forest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The forest.

[Dave Anthony]

The forest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would imagine apple wise, you were like, I am done with apples.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, there's only so many apples you can have eventually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Be like, apples?

[Dave Anthony]

Are we serious?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Would you like an apple? No.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, Jesus Christ. How about a peach?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll go up there and get one for you. I have to climb the branches. There's no other technology that'll get us up there, so unfortunately we won't be able to get any of those ones. Super high up there. We haven't been able to crack any ideas.

[Dave Anthony]

You didn't need a ladder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I know I didn't. Yeah, exactly. This is Hank. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Clasp the hands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. Launch it right up as high as you want to go. No need to try to build anything that'll make this easier.

[Dave Anthony]

I wonder how many people turned off the podcast when I said that. God, fuck these fucking guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Many.

[Dave Anthony]

One of the first winters in western Pennsylvania almost did the brothers innovation. After a long search for their uncle's cabin, they found it. But their uncle was not there. So John, who's now in his 20s, went, how dare you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's from up there. It's in the Lincolns. I think it was a gunshot.

[Dave Anthony]

So John is now in his 20s, went out in search of food and provisions while his younger brother Nathaniel, who was a very young teenager, stayed. And John was gone for days.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh boy, that's not good. He already has a hankering.

[Dave Anthony]

And Nathaniel ends up surviving with help from indigenous people who found this little starving boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You gotta love that. Like, what are your three keys to survival? Find indigenous people.

[Dave Anthony]

Hope that they are friendly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That'll be it.

[Dave Anthony]

John found some less than helpful indigenous people and had to hide silently for hours in a thicket of cattails. And he then dragged his canoe into a passing ice floe and escaped. What now? John, like all whites, was obsessed with one thing. Land to own and cultivate and grow. And he could cultivate with the best. Sure, one account says he could chop twice as many trees as any other man. But he could not settle down long enough to claim the land. It's gotta be grow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That can't be true.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I think I put the wrong word in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's so busy cultivating, he can't claim.

[Dave Anthony]

But then he wouldn't stay there long enough to claim it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He would just cultivate and then move on.

[Dave Anthony]

He would, like, plant trees and then bail. It sounds like something you would do. Stop. So he's growing orchards across western Pennsylvania, and he's borrowing money from his family to buy more land in a town called Franklin. But he only lasted less than a year there. A local historian, quote, he was one of those characters very often found in the new country, always ready to lend a helping hand to his neighbors. He helped others more than himself. He took up several. He took up land several times, but would soon find himself without any by reason of some other person jumping his claim.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he really was just fully like. He was always just trying to make the land better and grow things. And then he just. People would be like, great, I'll take it. But that was mine, you idiot.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, basically. On one occasion, he walked several miles on ice barefooted merely to show his powers of endurance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To who? Who would watch miles of walking? He'd be like, dude, I can't see past 800ft. He's like, trust me. It hurts. Holy fuck. Is this a feat of strength?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then he'd come back. How far did you go? Real far. Whew. All the way. All right, now to claim that land. We already did. God damn it. Shit.

[Dave Anthony]

Quote, he seemed as much at home with the red men of the forest as his own race.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, says the whites, the red man was like, please get out of here. What are you climbing?

[Dave Anthony]

Whoa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The hell is that? It's also probably like for the whites to be like, look at how well he's taking care of nature. For all the Indians to be like, We've never seen anything like this. You lot. You should learn something from this guy. Hey, why don't we all have turkey together in a couple of weeks? One big old meal. That'll be nice.

[Dave Anthony]

The land favor. Sorry. The law favored rich and real settlers who lived on it permanently. John, quote, took up land in different parts of the township, but whose sojourn, owing to his thriftless disposition, was only temporary. As soon as settlements began to increase, he disposed of his few improvements. And with a few other spirits as restless and discontented as himself, he drifted further westward. So as people start moving in, he's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pushing, he keeps going west, right? Which again, I'm sure, like, the Native Americans, like, cool. Hey, hang back there for a little while, would you, please? We're running out of room over here. He's like, hello. Want some apples? Let's do peaches.

[Dave Anthony]

So John is very good at planting apple orchards, but his true gift is real estate. His time walking the native trails meant he knew the best spots to settle. So he was buying, leasing, or just clearing out a few acres and planting nurseries so new inhabitants wouldn't have to and they'd pay him. So now, if you want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So now he's like, yeah. He's like. He's like a HGTV show.

[Dave Anthony]

He's like a developer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. He's just going out there and he's like, this is gonna be great.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you thinking? I'm thinking apple tree. A lot of them.

[Dave Anthony]

And so it's genius. Just buying the best land and flipping it would have made him one of the richest men in Ohio, maybe all of America. But John's a little different. First, he gave too many apple trees away to people who couldn't afford them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How did he give them away? He was like, this is. He didn't, like, take them out of the ground. This one's yours.

[Dave Anthony]

He would, like, plant a few, and then someone be like, I don't have any. And he'd be like, oh, you can have it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. But people like, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Do you do anything besides apple trees? These are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really. Have a Macintosh.

[Dave Anthony]

He didn't pay attention to stuff like taxes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, yeah. Good.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, good.

[Dave Anthony]

Get that right. Ohio. His profits went to buying pastures for abused horses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that is nice. I'm not gonna lie. It's gonna be hard to hit that one. Pastures for abused horses. So all horses back then. Every fucking horse. Who was the first guy who was like, let's get on its back, Charlie? No. Sweet mother of God. What is he doing? Whoo. Check it out. The amount of times that didn't work in nature. Watch me get on this puma. Sweet God, Charlie. I think you can ride gorillas, Charlie. I don't know if that's a good idea. Watch me mount this one. Yeah, boy. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Let me. Let me get on this hyena.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look at that. All right, look. The lion's got that beautiful mane, much like the horse I mounted earlier. Perfect as a riding grabber. I don't know. I didn't even eat his throat.

[Dave Anthony]

John probably ran the first horse rescue program in America. He could simply not watch an animal suffer. Or a plant.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who the fuck is this guy gonna eat. I've gone through this. I was a strong vegetarian. And then people are like, have you heard what plants say? When did you pick them? I was like, huh? Huh?

[Dave Anthony]

That's how we make an apple.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here, you want a tomato? You feel good? My baby. My babies. Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

This total aversion to inflicting pain on any living thing is why John didn't graft trees.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, he didn't graft them.

[Dave Anthony]

He did not graft them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, why?

[Dave Anthony]

He believed trees felt the knife, that they had souls. And. And grafting them did harm. Prove them wrong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't, but, fuck, that's tough. I was like, okay with grafting until I thought of that. I mean, I don't know what the fuck you're supposed to do. I really don't. I guess it's time to just eat each other. I really think that might be. We just have to eat our ways out of this.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, John did it the old fashioned way. John planted apple seeds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay?

[Dave Anthony]

Planting apple seeds at this point was way out of vogue because apples are heterozygonous, zygonous, heterozygonous, who cares?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It only bangs apples of the opposite seed.

[Dave Anthony]

Each seed contains genetic coding for 10,000 varieties. And no one knows what type of tree you'll grow. By planting a seed to get good, juicy apples, you graft a branch of a good tree to the base of another, and this creates genetic duplicates of the apple you want Johnny Quote. They can improve the apple in that way, but that is only a device of man. And it is wicked to cut up trees in that way. God only can improve the apples.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll be honest, but I actually don't hate what he's saying. There is a version of reality where we just went the route of like, hey, let's just see what Earth does. Yeah, we just decided to not do that at all. So that's why it seems crazy, but at the time, to be like, you do not. You let God pick which tree's here.

[Dave Anthony]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But then again, if they're all like, you know, Granny Smiths, I'd be like, let's play God for a little while.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just fucking disgusting.

[Dave Anthony]

If it's all Red Delicious, I'm like, let's graft every fucking thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

How do we get to hunt if.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everyone'S a Pink Lady? I'd be like, God is real.

[Dave Anthony]

Seeds are also way easier to carry than tree branches, and nobody gave a shit about eating good apples.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you mean?

[Dave Anthony]

Apples weren't really a Food product at this point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, why did we cover the fucking country in them?

[Dave Anthony]

Apple cider was more popular than beer and wine at that point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it alcoholic?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. There we go. All right. Now I get it. Now I get where they were grafting, too.

[Dave Anthony]

During temperance, they would cut down temperance. Loons would cut down apple orchards to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, be like, Jesus Christ. We'll figure out other ways to get drunk, you idiot. That's it. Now you have no apples. What are you going to do? We're drinking gas from this guy's tub. What? That's right. We found a loophole. We're drinking stuff that you could use in cars.

[Dave Anthony]

You ever heard of big snobs, you fucking idiot?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Easy, Randall. Settle down there, buddy. Let's not showboat. So, Johnny, as Native Americans, like.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, we tried.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, good thing they won.

[Dave Anthony]

I told you, when they came, they were fucking idiots. Right? Like I said.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, we should have a big meal together. We should do a big thing. We'll call it a potluck. Yeah. Come over making everything a go. Hey, what the hell? How'd you get up there so high? What do you call that thing? That's crazy. I just been getting on Barry's shoulders a bunch.

[Dave Anthony]

So, Johnny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, here we go.

[Dave Anthony]

Johnny Appleseed, the one was giving people on the edge of the white world what they wanted most. The ability to get drunk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's the real God.

[Dave Anthony]

He was remarkably efficient at getting apples ready for the distillery. He painstakingly planted perfect orchards in lines, carefully cultivating the land. He'd even brambles he cleaned cleared to make a fence to keep out deer. Then he'd just walk away for a year or so. And every year, he'd come back and prune. But other than nature, he just let it take its course. He let nature go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

He. He didn't, like, sit around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a little Paul Bunyan y.

[Dave Anthony]

A little bit, yeah. Well, he's tall. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I mean. That didn't help. That didn't help. That didn't knock my argument down at all. Look at the size of him. Is there an ox back there?

[Dave Anthony]

So once he planted, odds weren't too bad that the orchards would survive without him. Wouldn't work if they were for eating because the gross little bitter fruits that came worked fine for booze.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, say that again.

[Dave Anthony]

So the apples that are. That he's planting are really, like, bitter. Not that tasty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. But they're good for boozing, right? Yeah, right.

[Dave Anthony]

The funkier, the better. Acidic apples make for Better cider.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I definitely like him saying, the funkier the better as he's walking from town to town.

[Dave Anthony]

He was a. He was one of our.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sounds like he's in the Parliament.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't worry, baby. The funkier the better. Johnny. I think he's on acid again.

[Dave Anthony]

Whoo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why do you need a ladder when you got steps in your mind? Yeah. Bo do. Johnny. I've been eating these rotten apples for a while now. I wish I had balls to drip off at this point. Johnny.

[Dave Anthony]

But Johnny's biggest motivation was not apples, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sex.

[Dave Anthony]

It was the second great awakening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no. What the fuck? No. Oh, no. Are you about to heaven's gate, Johnny Appleseed? Are you fucking. What is he about to do? Oh, no. I mail my seed like Elon. Johnny. No.

[Dave Anthony]

Here's a little bit of that seed and a little bit of my seed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. We grew a Johnny apple tree. Hello.

[Dave Anthony]

In the early to mid 19th century American. I should have looked up this guy's number. American name. How to say it. It's going to be great. In the early mid to 19th century American religious life was full on fire and brimstone, tent revival, Christianity type stuff. But Johnny became enthralled by a Swedish mystic. Love it. Emmanuel Swedenborg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Emmanuel Swedenborg. The only.

[Dave Anthony]

Wait, I think that's the wrong picture. That's the wrong picture.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it? Is it?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's. That was to show how drunk Americans were.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, man. I swear to God, What just happened to everyone was like, oh, yes. I mean, this was a series of.

[Dave Anthony]

Pictures where the photographer got the guy drunk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The middle guy's the best, obviously. Oh, my God. I thought that was Swedenborg. The 19th century. Joe Cocko is here. Oh, that is. Ah, this guy.

[Dave Anthony]

Sorry, that's Swedenborg. Boo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For those of us, Some of us choose to believe that is still the guy.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, I would follow this guy's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Religion without fucking question, sweet boy.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a religion. Everyone just come and look cool and then we just fucking party.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Sweet Borg, you got a good plan there?

[Dave Anthony]

God is at the bottom of my glass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What was that? Sweet Borg?

[Dave Anthony]

God is at the bottom of my glass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so at what point do we start doing something with this movement of yours? I've had a real affinity for it for a while.

[Dave Anthony]

What do you think the dancing is?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We should strive to make the earth as good a place as possible. Don't you agree? Blah, blah, blah.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm gonna lay down after I fuck your wife. Hope that's not weird, bro, but we my religion, Tink.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Swedborg. I'm not married. Swedborg.

[Dave Anthony]

You're gonna be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

I'm gonna sign you a lady and then make love to her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you really the guy? Are you really Swedeborg?

[Dave Anthony]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you mean, sure? I've been here for five weeks trying to help you plant trees, Alec.

[Dave Anthony]

What? Hey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you really Swedenborg or are you just some photo mishap?

[Dave Anthony]

I'm not. I went. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You What? Yeah, yeah. What?

[Dave Anthony]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, are you Swedeborg?

[Dave Anthony]

Who is it? At this point? That's what I'm saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, Swedborg is the met.

[Dave Anthony]

We're all sweet Borg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is your name?

[Dave Anthony]

Sweet?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is your name?

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, look.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

Here's what I think, okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

So we. We get a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop it.

[Dave Anthony]

We get a bunch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't want to hear any more. For a party. And stop using your tongue like that. Don't touch me.

[Dave Anthony]

I was just saying that we got a lot of land here and we got apples.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cause of me.

[Dave Anthony]

And then why not have a party?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It always ends with a party.

[Dave Anthony]

Not your wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't. Look, I think you're just some drunk guy from a photo shoot.

[Dave Anthony]

Swedenborgian Christianity, also known as the New church.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Is based almost entirely on the fantastically weird visions of Swedenborg, who was an 18th century Swedish aristocrat, scientist, inventor and mystic who talked to angels, demons and spirits of dead people from other planets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. So he. Yeah, all right. You're right. Yeah. So he. So he's enamored with a hundred year old. Where is this guy?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, he's dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but where was he?

[Dave Anthony]

He was in. He was in Sweden.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was. His name, Swedeborg. So he does sound like a Swedish robot. So he's a Swedeborg Swedenborg. And he came up with a religion about talking to angels and all that other shit from a hundred years prior.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. This is a guy with a severe mental disorder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

Everyone's like, he sounds great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, he talks to God, he told me.

[Dave Anthony]

And angels.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And angels spirits.

[Dave Anthony]

For example, Martians craved order and people on the moon communicated by burping.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I honestly don't know what's crazier, that they knew about the moon or that burping was common.

[Dave Anthony]

I think it meant that when you burped, that was a Martian coming out of you. Talking through.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Talking through you. That's a. By the way, I might steal that.

[Dave Anthony]

I like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I definitely might steal that. Pardon? One of those moon Martians wanted to say good day.

[Dave Anthony]

The Literal aspects of their beliefs came from Swedenborg's visions. And this led to some very interesting theories.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, he. What, was he just on drugs?

[Dave Anthony]

I really think he has a mental.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Swedenborg believed that every living thing has a spiritual counterpart. Plants and animals aren't just for human consumption. They're God's silent messengers and manifestations of human qualities, both good and bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, don't. I mean, again, that's not.

[Dave Anthony]

That's not terrible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, not terrible.

[Dave Anthony]

So Johnny practiced extreme non violence towards nature because of that. Okay, beyond horse rescues and apple pacifism, he would not swat a mosquito even if it was biting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now that's fucking ludicrous. That's the malaria line. You do that. Look at him enjoying me. Hey, Johnny. I'm out of here. Suck it, my boy. You too, mosquito.

[Dave Anthony]

He once found a wolf pup in a trap and nursed him back to health and raised it as a pet blue ox. Did they have a pet wolf?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh?

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, the blue ox is the pet Paul Bunyan. It's not like he saved the ox from a trap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't know how the fuck you think he got so blue.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, okay, so he always stayed blue. Then the oxygen never got back. And so you're saying it was a zombie ox?

[Gareth Reynolds]

For the most part.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, so we cracked that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Next.

[Dave Anthony]

He once put out a campfire to save moths from flying into it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, my man, you're going to have a life with no fire. I mean, what are you. That's their whole thing. That's how they. That's probably their religion. Fucking quit playing God with moths.

[Dave Anthony]

Quote.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no, the devil put out the flame again. We were just about to go.

[Dave Anthony]

Quote. God forbid that I should build a fire for my comfort. That should be the means of destroying any of his creatures. So Swedenborgians were pacifists.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They understood Swedenborgians, Borgians.

[Dave Anthony]

They understood pain or other physical sensations can come from feelings which made them the most psychologically progressive religious sect of the era. They believed being useful was true holiness and thought everyone in heaven had a job and went to work every day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thought that everyone had to have a.

[Dave Anthony]

Job if you went to heaven. In heaven you had a job and you. And you went to work every day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fucking. Well, we've already got that heaven and it ain't great. Up until then, though. I'm into it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I don't like the work every day in heaven part.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. That's weird that you go to heaven. He's like, all right, you do sheets. What? It was better on Earth. Hurry up.

[Dave Anthony]

Now that sounds like Protestant heaven.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Lot of beds to make.

[Dave Anthony]

They also believe that adultery, abuse of innocence and spiritual corruption via sensuality might turn you into a penis shaped demon on a giant monster whose body was hell itself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So if you fuck, you become a hell penis?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, if you abuse innocence and I guess spiritual corruption via sensuality, maybe, but. Well, they're saying have sex in marriage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not. Fun sex, though. There's no 69ing in the Swedenborg's version.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, maybe that might be it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're trying for a baby. Just keep saying that in case God's watching. Hopefully both of our heads get pregnant and vamping. I don't know.

[Dave Anthony]

Also, in order to move between worlds, you had to go through the monster's literal asshole. That I get.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That one makes a lot.

[Dave Anthony]

That's still true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's still true. Well, yeah, but we're all slowly going through it together right now. Just on the journey through the monster's asshole.

[Dave Anthony]

Now, sex is for married people. You'd be matched with your perfect spirit. Soulmate or soulmates in heaven. When asked why he never married, Johnny said two ghost women came to him in a vision and said to stay celibate so the three of them could get rowdy in the afterlife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, now here's the deal. If two hot ghost women came to me and were like, do not. Because after all this, it's on, I'd be like, you got it? 100%. Not gonna be an issue. I'd be like, but then, man, if.

[Dave Anthony]

I fucking went up, will there be butt stuff?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course there'll be butt stuff. Whatever you want, babe. We're so excited to get freaky with you in heaven. We really want to do a lot of crazy stuff. Ever heard of the wheelbarrow? Sometimes I'll just watch while you do stuff with Cynthia over here. And sometimes we'll all be doing it together. And then if you're too tired, we'll just do stuff with each other. And then we'll start to sort of develop feelings for each other outside of the throuple.

[Dave Anthony]

Wait, what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then we'll have trouble telling you that maybe we don't need the penis as much as we just.

[Dave Anthony]

What are we doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Need each other.

[Dave Anthony]

What if I go down on you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, then we'll slowly start to turn your quarters into a game room or a place for me to do my stitching work. We'll all be working in heaven. Your sort of toxic traits will slowly be filtered out of the three of us. And we'll realize we thrive better alone. And you will have given us your seed earlier so we'll be able to have a baby. Think about it. No fucking on earth. Now what? Why do you look so confused?

[Dave Anthony]

I guess I'm gonna plant this seed, huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you're totally gonna plant a seed. And then we'll have a daughter. It'll for sure be a girl.

[Dave Anthony]

Wait. Am I gay? What's happening?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's kind of a weird question to ask two ghosts that you'll be involved in a throuple with in the future. But yeah, you're gay.

[Dave Anthony]

So Johnny traveled with satchels full of Swedenborg's books and handed them out or tore out pages to give to families.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here, take a page. Crazy. That's super weird, dude. There's no context for this one. Bye.

[Dave Anthony]

Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gotta go through the monster's asshole. Hey. Who the fuck was that? Why did he have a bunch of branches?

[Dave Anthony]

He would preach to anyone, often uninvited.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's part of the rule.

[Dave Anthony]

When Johnny showed up to someone's house to stay the night. Quote. Almost the first thing he would do when he entered the house and was weary was to lie down on the floor with his knapsack for a pillow. And then he would say, quote, will you have some fresh news right from heaven? And carefully take out his old worn books, a testament and two or three others. And exponents of the beautiful religion that Johnny so zealously lived out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whose house is he going? Anyone's house.

[Dave Anthony]

Because this is back when you would just stop by and go, I'm hungry, friend. Will you give me a place to sleep and some porridge?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get the fuck out of here. What are you doing right now? Let me know if God talks when I wake up. Hey, there's a guy who just came into our house.

[Dave Anthony]

Now he's preaching about polyghosts. I think I'm trying to figure this out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't even try to figure that out. I don't know what we're going to make him. He doesn't want any meat. We can't do leaves.

[Dave Anthony]

Do you have some wood that I can gnaw on?

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it was cut down. Not that sort.

[Dave Anthony]

When someone asked if he was afraid of getting bit by the many venomous snakes as he walked barefoot, he said his quote book is an infallible protection against all danger here and hereafter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the worst that is. That sort of shit's the worst. That's that that still happens where people are like, I Like, it was like during COVID where people like licking grocery store handles and you're like, please, please kill them. Please, please kill this tiktoker. Please let this tick tocker die. Please. It's all I've asked for. That'll be my religion. I swear to God, I'll go to church every fucking Sunday. Just let that fucking woman die.

[Dave Anthony]

He was a missionary, preaching kindness to all living things. And people listened, sort of. They were intrigued by the skinny little bearded man who wore rough, frayed pantaloons and a burlap sack with armholes cut out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, that's all. That fucking picture you showed before? Was not. That was. The artist took a lot of liberties.

[Dave Anthony]

That was a cartoon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but that's all I've seen of him so far. So he was just walking around in, like, eating pants and a potato bag?

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Way different. No wonder. No wonder he was talking to ghosts about after life. Fucking every woman on earth was like, how are you? Mind if I nap under your bench?

[Dave Anthony]

Johnny didn't care about fancy things like shirts or shoes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Those things are big city as far as I'm concerned. What do you say we go out back and plant some trees?

[Dave Anthony]

He once stepped on and crushed a worm, killing it with his boots. And was so beside himself that he vowed to walk barefoot for the rest of his life. And he did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ, look what I done to the worm. Yeah, I know. Well, we'll figure it out, Johnny. That'll be okay.

[Dave Anthony]

No, we won't. I'm gonna walk around without shoes on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's that then.

[Dave Anthony]

I'll feel the worm. Oh, wormy, wormy, wormy. Oh, the worm is on my foot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Johnny, it's us, the spirits from the afterlife.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, what's up? Hey, guys are the ones that we're gonna do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, sorry. We revealed all that. Hey, the no shoe worm thing, Chill out. It's a big turnoff to be that dire.

[Dave Anthony]

You ladies don't like worms? Wormy, wormy. Hi, little squirmy wormy. Have you ever felt the worm, like, slithering under your foot? Alive and not dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. We've never become lesbians. Faster. That was crazy. We're not even going to do the throuple part anymore. Seriously, you should do whatever you want on Earth.

[Dave Anthony]

We're gonna be a family.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, you're not listening, Wanda.

[Dave Anthony]

Men listen. We're gonna be a family.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, honestly don't love your tone.

[Dave Anthony]

Now sing with me. Wormy, wormy, wormy, squirmy Little wormy. And then do the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, look, the worm survived.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, now do the lesbian stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I shouldn't have told you this stuff, obviously.

[Dave Anthony]

Can you send some pictures?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, just so many limitations.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. Just. Okay, okay. So through thorny brambles and slippery ice, he would go entire winter shoeless and survive somehow. Gareth. He also wore a pot on his head.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so no shoes, but a pot. Well, he's a pothead.

[Dave Anthony]

Mostly for. Mostly for convenience. He needed to cook stews and boiled vegetables, but he didn't want to carry it, and it made his helmet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can you imagine, like, going out with him being like, let's eat. Ah, there you go.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, look, there's some little protein in there already.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go. All right, now, well, you all have a good day. I got none of them shoes on. No, but he's got a pot on his head. Should we be listening to this guy here? No, probably not. He's got such a great message. But then he puts a pot on his head. We should all listen to Earth, and we should make sure we're not injuring any beings that we don't have to. What a fantastic message. All right, see y' all later.

[Dave Anthony]

Ow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fuck.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, fuck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Again?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I mean, nobody. Everybody knows he wore the pot on his head, but nobody talks about it, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's time to bring that up. That's not okay. That's toddler behavior. That man has a beard. I mean, really, if we're really gonna dig into it. Really dig into it. Dave, there's some flags.

[Dave Anthony]

So there's no way he washed it, right? Cause if he's out in the middle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If he's not, well, here's what I'll say. He was boiling stuff in it, probably. So he was probably. There was probably some level maybe.

[Dave Anthony]

What if he wasn't boiling and it was cooking?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Either way, it's unacceptable.

[Dave Anthony]

What if it's a stew of some sort?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's unacceptable.

[Dave Anthony]

So he's. He's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The smell.

[Dave Anthony]

When he. When he cooked, it must have been. It must have already been filled with dirt and sweat because it's on his head. And then when he put it on in the morning, it was sticky with food. And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it was pro. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So his hair is, like, full of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, he just had goulash hair, so he.

[Dave Anthony]

Probably. So let's just agree that Johnny Appa Seat smelled horrible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not only horrible. Look, he was. Look, he was wearing a potato. The best thing he was wearing was ripped pants. He had a potato sack on, no shoes, and a cooking pot. That he cooked in on his head.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, Gareth, he also loved snuff and had beautiful teeth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He loved snuff and had beautiful. Well, I mean, I guess if you snuff, it's not going to affect your teeth and stuff. And nose.

[Dave Anthony]

So he's got a beautiful smile and a pot on his head.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And he's just putting tobacco in his nose all day.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What would you do? And then people, he would smile and be like, I can't stay mad at you. Jesus Christ. I'm not gonna eat this motherfucker's apples anymore. How about that?

[Dave Anthony]

The dollop is brought to you by Chewy. Look what I'm thinking about the holidays. I'm thinking about the little moments with my little pets, ones that make the season awesome. Me hanging out with Pablo, rubbing his belly and putting candy canes in his mouth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Other places.

[Dave Anthony]

That's why I'm joining Chewy Claws, who's out here making pet wishes come true. From November 4th to December 24th, you share your pet's [e-mail] Chewy Claws. That's with a C. It could become real. And it helps others, too. Look. Each wish triggers a donation of five meals to shelters and rescues across the country. So you submit through the Chewy app and they'll double the donation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, man.

[Dave Anthony]

A wish for a pet. It's really the wish that keeps giving. Pets need help right now, just like people do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Truly.

[Dave Anthony]

Pet parents can send their pets wishes to chewy.com chewycloth and it might just be true. And your wish spreads. Your wish will spread. Chewy is the best.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chewy is the best. I guess it's that Venn diagram of they're great and it's animals.

[Dave Anthony]

We order our food from Chewy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

We order little, like, you know, supplements and stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chewy is the only company that I'll do auto ship with because they, like, remind you 18 times so that if you're like, oh, yeah, I don't need that or whatever, Chewy is the best.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, they really are. And, and, and they got great customer service. So we're. We're high on Chewy. I don't know if that's right, but I'm pretty high on Chewy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I'm pretty.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm out there. I'.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chewy.

[Dave Anthony]

I'll go to a rave. Like, I'm big on Chewy. Stop and look. Right now, it's the Christmas season. Pets need help. People need help. Let's get the pet's help with Chewy. Every pet deserves A wish come true. Send your pet's wish to chewy.com chewyclaus and it might become a reality. Plus, your wish means Chewy will donate five meals to pets in need. We're doing this. You should do it too. We use Chewy. You should use Chewy too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is you rhyming, dude.

[Dave Anthony]

That is C H E W Y C L A U S Chewy clause. Garret the doll was also brought to you by Squarespace, the all in one web platform that is designed to help you stand out and succeed online. And that's exactly what's happened to you with your new cat company.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yes, I'm doing if you have not heard about the the cat cat doctors, we have been shut down for medical reasons. But the website was popping. So that's the part that Squarespace did.

[Dave Anthony]

The cat, the cats were the doctors.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The cats were the doctors. The patients were human. We had one procedure. It failed.

[Dave Anthony]

So I would say that the business, however, was taking off because of Squarespace. Because user Squarespace website. You got the domain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Squarespace is great. I still use it for my stuff. We use it for the dollop stuff. We use it forever.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, we do. We have all four of our website websites with Squarespace. You can go to dallpodcast.com and you can find our tour dates because we will be going on Tour this March, March 2026. And you can find our sweet, sweet tour dates there. We do everything through Squarespace. And look, you can get it paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments. You can stream your workflow with built in appointment and scheduling and email marketing tools. So head to squarespace.com dollop for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a WE website or domain. That's squarespace.com do for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. The dollop is also brought to you by Mint Mobile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now last time we did one of these ads, you had me licking my phone a lot.

[Dave Anthony]

Most of my holiday gifts that I do, they'll end up in a drawer or like back in a closet or wherever. Just accidentally left behind right at the cousin's house. Like that kind of stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stuff, sure.

[Dave Anthony]

Not this one. Mint Mobile is offering unlimited premium wireless for 15amonth. That's their best deal of the year. AKA the only holiday gift I'll be Actually using every single day. I use Mint Mobile. I like Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile works. And here's the great thing. Your phone tastes like mint. Gareth, give your phone a lick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I'm not going to do it. Because last time we did this, you convinced me to lick my phone a number of times and it didn't get any mintier. And that's not a knock on Mint Mobile.

[Dave Anthony]

If I had this product, it's what I'd use. And look at me right now, Gareth, what am I doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You licked your phone.

[Dave Anthony]

My God. That is a minty phone. That is a minty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me look mine again.

[Dave Anthony]

Go ahead, give it a lick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It tastes bad again, dude.

[Dave Anthony]

Mint Mobile has quality wireless service just like I've had other providers that are the big ones. And it's the exact same service. You're literally nothing different. You're just paying way, way, way, way, way less. So much less. And I think that's why people are like, oh, it can't be. It can't be good because it only costs $15 a month. It is. It is that good. Just get on board. All Mint plants come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text on the nation's largest 5G network. You can bring your own phone and your phone immediately starts tasting like mint. Gareth, give it a Don't get them socks, get them Premium Wireless for $15 a month, shop Mint Unlimited [e-mail] dollop that's mintmobile.com dollop Limited time offer upfront payment of $45 for three months, 90 for six months, or $180 for 12 month plan required. A $15 a month equivalent taxes and fees, extra initial plan term only. Over 35 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. Capable of device required availability, speed and coverage varies. Cementmobile.com Gareth, we are also brought to you by CHAP. Oh yeah, we both use Cash App. We've been involved in the Cash App.

[Gareth Reynolds]

World repeatedly talking about it. We use it.

[Dave Anthony]

We've sent money to each other. We've sent money to Luke. I've sent money to James. A domain. I use Cash App with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa.

[Dave Anthony]

If Cash App could add the perfect discount to its card based on your favorite place to spend, what would that be?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what I really love Cash App for Dave. Live shows, live events. Makes it easy. People are way into it. Very easy way to just pay, really does. But I've also sent. I just sent my brother some money for lunch with Cash App.

[Dave Anthony]

And you know, it's. It's so much easier than like a, than a debit card or whatever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just.

[Dave Anthony]

So. Look, Cash App just released a new status program for the way people actually spend. Called Cash App Green. It unlocks new ways for you to pay, get rewarded and easily grow or manage your money on your terms. Now, when you spend at least $500 a month with the Cash App card or Cash App Pay, you earn green status, which unlocks benefits like up to $200 of free overdraft coverage, higher borrowing limits and custom personalized cashback offers. Every Friday at places you love to shop. Turn every spending day into status with Cash App Green. Download Cash App today or visit Cash App New to learn more about this and other great features. Launching now for a limited time, new Cash App Customers can earn $10 if they use the code CASH APP10 in their profile at signup. Send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Terms apply. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member fdic Cash App Green overdraft coverage, Borrow Cashback offers and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block Incorporated brand. Visit Cash App Legal podcast for full disclosures. Yeah and Gareth we are also brought to you by himsed Gareth According to the National Institutes of Health, as many as 30 million men in the United States experienced ED. It's a lot more common than a bad night's sleep. Here's the good news. HIMSS makes it easy to get access for simple treatment so you can feel like yourself again without all the stress and the weirdness, the awkwardness and everything that goes with shouldn't be complicated thing to have confidence through hims you can just skip the guesswork and get access to care that fits your lifestyle. Straightforward, it's stress free, designed around you, all good, exactly what you want. And you can access personalized prescription treatment options for ad like hard mints. There's also SexRx Plus Climax Control if it's prescribed. This is something people should just take care of. There's no reason to just not do anything about this. It's a bummer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is.

[Dave Anthony]

It makes life worse. It's really not something. Just do not. Don't let it fester. Take care of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go. And HIMS makes it so easy on you.

[Dave Anthony]

So so to get simple online access to personalized affordable care for ed, weight loss and more, visit hims.com that's hims.com dub for your free online visit hims.com dollop actual price will Depend on product and subscription plan. Feature products include compounded drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions and important safety information. So even before he started wearing the pot on his head, his fashion sense wasn't great. And for a while he just wore an old military tricorn hat, which is that right there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, can you imagine being the person who's like, do you want to change your hat? What is the pot about? Oh, like you said, maybe it's time to change the headwear. I'm wearing a pot, you know. The other one was better, Johnny. The other one was pretty good.

[Dave Anthony]

Back to the tricorn quote. The sides are ripped and it flopped in the wind. On a head covered with long black hair, a face and long beard and dark black eyes peering out from the vast undergrowth. And a body enveloped in a coffee sack with a hole through which he was. Had run his head. It was enough to frighten any honest Dutchman almost out of his wits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. John. Jesus Christ. Hello. I thought you were a puppy man.

[Dave Anthony]

Scaring the shit out of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

The real Johnny Applesky scared the living shit out of people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just raining and dark. You want an apple? Oh, my God. What the fuck was that? Jesus Christ. Holy shit. Hi, buddy. How are you?

[Dave Anthony]

It's just me and my wolf.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, cool. That's cool. All right. No shoes, huh? I killed a worm once. Right. Okey dokey. This is good. I'm glad we were. What? Would you like to come in? Don't lay down. Are you sleeping? What happened? Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

Put out the fire. The moment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honey. I mean, I don't know what the. To hurry up. I don't know what to tell you.

[Dave Anthony]

Despite this, he was, quote, regarded by the few settlers just then beginning to make their appearance in the country with a degree of almost superstitious admiration.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Because everybody out there was out of their fucking minds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And it was. Well, he probably like, if he was good with nature, people were probably like, this guy gets it. But then, I mean, there's a lot of stuff that's just.

[Dave Anthony]

There's a lot of red flags.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. He's all red flags.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, he should be wearing that top. He's so red flagged.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. One article said he was respected by even the rudest frontiersmen. But Johnny liked everybody except landlords. Due to his paranormal celibacy and dressing and smelling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, that is the best way to. I'm paranormal. Celibate. When I go up there, I'm gonna fuck the shit out of these two women. Till then, I'm unfuckable.

[Dave Anthony]

And dressing and smelling as if Yosemite San was homeless. Johnny never had kids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, he loved.

[Dave Anthony]

He loved kids. He'd find bits of ribbon on his travels and give them to little girls who, out in the wilderness, rarely had a chance to play with anything bright and shiny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. An era where, like, ribbon was like, oh, my God, there you are. My life is made. That's right. That's right.

[Dave Anthony]

In the wilderness, they rarely had a chance to play with anything bright and shiny. So they loved him. And to entertain boys, he'd show off his feet, which were so calloused, it looked like he was wearing old leather shoes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got your sister some ribbon. And what'd you get for Hank here? He could play with my feet. Whoa.

[Dave Anthony]

Really digging the calluses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go. Don't be afraid to do whatever you want on them. There you go. Get in there.

[Dave Anthony]

I tell you what, boys, the dirt ain't never coming out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did I tell you about that time I stepped on a worm? There you go.

[Dave Anthony]

He would plunge needles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We really appreciate the lace that you gave to our daughter.

[Dave Anthony]

But he would plunge needles and pins into his feet without flinching and even walk over hot coals. And the poor boys went apeshit for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It, by the way. All right, let's say you're eight years old.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And a dude with a pot on his head comes over and he lets you fucking fondle his feet. And then he starts popping needles into him. And then for the grand finale, he walks on fire and then insists on putting it out because it's not fair to moths.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'd be like, I will follow this man anywhere he goes. Within four hours, I'll be, like, 13 years old on a Bjorn in his chest. Like, Hey, the rest of your life, he'd be like, did I ever tell you the time when Johnny Appleseed came over, let me put a needle into his foot? You like that, huh.

[Dave Anthony]

Johnny? Still, according to a source, was, quote, as odd as can be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

He may have been kicked in the head by a horse. And a frontier doctor cut out a piece of his skull to relieve pressure on his brain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. So let's. Let's.

[Dave Anthony]

That may have happened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So maybe got a lobotomy. He may have.

[Dave Anthony]

He may have had a little.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A horse may have kicked his head. And a doctor in the 1800s, like, there we are now. That's nice. Now you've Got a little stress ball zone on your head. It's like gak. There you are, Johnny. You know what I'd recommend? Wear a pot on your head. That'll protect you. Okie dokie. There you go.

[Dave Anthony]

Boy, can I fuck a ghost?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. Get out of here, you. No, no, no. Those needles are for surgery.

[Dave Anthony]

Johnny was a loner who, quote, absorbed the wilderness and became it. And was a powerful and unavoidable personality. Everyone welcomed him, including most native Americans who lands were being stolen by white guys who look exactly like Johnny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, not exactly like Johnny.

[Dave Anthony]

So Johnny made his way to the Ohio frontier by catamaran.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

And by that, I mean two pieces of wood tied together with leather. So it's full of wolves and wild boars and bears and black rattlesnakes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I guarantee you boars are like, let this one go.

[Dave Anthony]

Let him throw.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We don't want that smoke.

[Dave Anthony]

Fucking weirdo. Johnny might have been the only traveler back then who carried no weapons. He'd rather be bitten or mauled than hurt any of God's creatures. He just. He just. He settled in a place called Owl Creek. And he only has two sets of neighbors. John Stiley was the first white settler. His wife and soon to be 12 children. Jesus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's why you got to have a neighbor. Otherwise it's just every year you're like, let's have another one. They're perennials.

[Dave Anthony]

Probably fuck this up, but. Stylie was Captioned by the Wyandotte tribe. Wyandotte. All right, we got that one. Are they still alive? Alrighty. Oh, they are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're not.

[Dave Anthony]

Do they have a casino?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

There'S a water park named after them. Talk about honoring the ancestors. Aren't whites great? Have we not done enough? Stiley was captured by the Wyandot tribe as a kid with his adoptive family. But when they were released, he decided to stay with the tribe. I totally get it. And then he became an honored fighter for the tribe. There was also a, quote, half crazed squatter named Andy Craig. We all know this guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Andy Craig, the crazy squatter.

[Dave Anthony]

Fucking Craig. He lived with a quote, great raw boned woman who stole from her husband, other frontiersmen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A raw boned woman?

[Dave Anthony]

Raw boned woman? Yeah, my dad dated one of them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh. Raw boned. A skeleton.

[Dave Anthony]

No other frontiersman said, quote, why he should have taken her into the wilderness for a sleeping companion. I can't seem I'd as soon have slept with a man as her. So she was gender fluid? She. She wasn't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Feminine is the so they're saying raw boned means masculine.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Masculine lady. Yeah. And the other guy was like, look, man, I'm into that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was like, fine. Yeah. Cool. Johnny lived off the real Mike Johnson type.

[Dave Anthony]

John, Whatever happened with the guy? Said he was gonna drop his Grindr profile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That guy fucking freaked out. That guy was like, freaked out. Got a lawyer.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, that's right, he did. He got scared.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. He was, like, gonna do it. And then he was like, oh.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, God, I gotta hire.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Johnny lived off what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like most guys on Grindr, he talks a big game until he shows up, and then you're like, really?

[Dave Anthony]

I hear you. You know, when I went to the Charlie Kirk Memorial Grinder. Mike, I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you doing?

[Dave Anthony]

No, my app kept shutting down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You what?

[Dave Anthony]

My Grindr app kept shutting down. It was like. It was like clogged or something. I don't know. Johnny lived off what nature gave him. Wild berries, nuts, herbs, people's leftovers, and when lucky, his favorite, corn, mush, and milk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, let's be honest. This guy needed a modium ad more than any person of all time.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He only ate what people gave him. Here you go. Here's some sludge. Thank you. Now I'm gonna have some apples. Now some mushed corn.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about a little milk? Well, Johnny, good luck. I also use this pot as a toilet. Johnny. Johnny.

[Dave Anthony]

He used plants as medicine. Catnip for the stomach, nervous conditions and colds. Fennel for indigestion, gout, lupus, horehound for coughs, colds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What was the last one?

[Dave Anthony]

Horehound. Horehound for coughs, colds, and acetonic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's my favorite new spice. To go to the grocery store and ask if they have got any horehound. I'm gonna braise some pork tonight. I found the cumin. Where's the horehound?

[Dave Anthony]

As the years passed, his connection with the natural. Bonded with nature. Sorry. Bonded him with local tribes. The natives, quote, could read his character at a glance. All was revealed by his eye, as clear as the sunlight of God. He has without selfishness. So the beginning of Johnny turning into a myth was The War of 1812, when native peoples teamed up with the British to fight the Americans. So when the fighting started, Johnny was in Mansfield, Ohio, and a local militia and the army got a priest to persuade the local tribe to surrender by saying after they surrendered, they could return to their land after the war.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that held.

[Dave Anthony]

And then the army burnt the village and Shot and beheaded and scalped a leader. The natives assembled the war party near Mansfield. Their chants could be heard and attacks imminent. And so the town asked for one brave soul to warn all nearby settlers. Run through the wilderness and the natives to get word to the army. Quote, a volunteer was asked for, and a tall, lanky man said demurely, I'll go. He was barefooted.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Excuse is that. What do you have on your head there? A pan? And unarmed, sir.

[Dave Anthony]

His manner was meek, and you had to look the second time into his clear blue eyes to fully fathom the courage and determination shown in their depths. There was an expression in his countenance such as limners try to portray in their pictures of saints. So Johnny runs cabin to cabin at midnight, and he runs 26 miles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Would you listen to this guy if he came to your cabin? No, you gotta get out of here. You gotta get out of here, motherfucker. Get out of here. What are you talking about.

[Dave Anthony]

26 miles? At least one family was killed, as well as the priest who convinced the natives to vacate. Good. But the rest of the town was saved. And his midnight run cemented him in history books. A kooky guy running 26 miles, barefooted in one night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that's where we got the marathon from.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right. People don't know that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

People don't know that.

[Dave Anthony]

Johnny began heading towards Indiana. His flipping land business brought in enough money to buy land and donate it to the new church for a college. So he made so much money that he got the new church at college. The church wrote of his life and success in the new world and his fame as.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they made. It was a college about him.

[Dave Anthony]

It wasn't named for him, but it was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, but it was like trump U. They were like, here's how you do it. They all like at their graduating class. They all throw little pots in the air. 16 dead of the graduating class this year at Appleseed, the Johnny Appleseed University.

[Dave Anthony]

He's flipping houses, making money now. He's famous among the Swedenborgians.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a group to be a hero with.

[Dave Anthony]

So he's now in his 50s and he's getting weirder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh shit. Uh oh.

[Dave Anthony]

He starts threatening to sue farmers who claimed his orchards. But he's doing it really casually. Quote, he did not seem very anxious about it and continued walking to and fro as he talked and at the same time continued eating nuts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eating nuts.

[Dave Anthony]

So he's. He's threatening to sue someone while he's just kind of walking back and forth and eating Nuts as you. But he probably always had to eat nuts because he couldn't eat that much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I still. He shouldn't be eating nuts. In my opinion, Based on his previous thoughts, it seemed nuts have feelings.

[Dave Anthony]

Nuts come from rocks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Believe me, Nuts have feelings.

[Dave Anthony]

So people start to sour on Johnny Appleseed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's fucking hilarious. You know what? This guy, honestly, this is crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

And this included the Putnam family, who were related by half siblings. One of the Putnams quote, father said that Johnny Appleseed was nothing but a bum, that all he did was come and sponge. He could come and stay and eat and eat and eat until you finally shoved him out and sent him on his merry way. Whatever. He. Whenever he was coming, dad was really mad and didn't want him around, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he would eat. So maybe you would just eat if you prepped a meal or he was.

[Dave Anthony]

Picky about what he was eating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but he might have been loophole. Oh, he's like, oh, you already made the duck. All right. I guess, like, he's probably doing that. He's probably eating like a fucking king. Yeah, he's like, no more roast beef since you already got it, like, all killed and everything. No, don't be crazy. Keep going.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, is it sirloin night?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, gosh. Well, I guess it's already been killed. Mind if I put some shoes on? I'm really changing. He just loves slippers.

[Dave Anthony]

His fashion changed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, when did he quote?

[Dave Anthony]

He wore a pyramid of three hats.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no. Three hats. Now, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Like, he needed a friend. Johnny needed a friend. Johnny needed one guy to be like, Johnny, look. Okay, I love you.

[Dave Anthony]

The two hats I get because the first was a brim and the next was the cooking pot. So that makes sense.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it doesn't.

[Dave Anthony]

A hat under the cooking pot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it doesn't.

[Dave Anthony]

It keeps the pot clean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope. Just carry a pot, tie it to your bindle stiff or whatever the you're rocking.

[Dave Anthony]

And then on top of all that was a hat with a crown. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he was. Oh, man. He would do bad at the no Kings March. They'd be like, johnny, no.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm the apple king.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, Johnny, no.

[Dave Anthony]

The sum total was of. Extremely odd. Rather ingenious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's insane.

[Dave Anthony]

It enabled him to carry not only his kettle, but his treasure of sacred literature sandwiched between the pot and the crown of the uppermost hat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, wait. What happened to the carrier? He had his stuff in a carrier at one point.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, now he's got it up there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So now he's wearing a pot. A Brimmed hat, a crown and books.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's like a library. And it keeps the books dry because they're under the pot. And his hands are left free to deal with the seed bags and the tools and stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What about a knapsack or a bag? Surely they had other things. I mean, I know they had other shit invented by then.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, he doesn't need those because he has a pot and a hat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, he does, because he's wearing a fucking. He is a totem pole. No wonder that we needed a ladder.

[Dave Anthony]

He doesn't need a knapsack. He's got a hat and a pot and a hat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If he hangs out with a monkey, I'm gonna leave the goddamn stage.

[Dave Anthony]

And then he got a monkey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get on his back, boys.

[Dave Anthony]

So he ages into his 60s, which is pretty shocking for a guy who goes. Who's sleeping outside, walking around barefoot and everything else.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This has got to be a crazy time.

[Dave Anthony]

He starts to become a little cranky while staying with a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a crab apple.

[Dave Anthony]

While staying with a Quaker.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's a reality show. On an all new Quaker in the nut. I'm there. Keep encroaching on what we should do. You know what? I'm gonna put a syringe through my foot.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, sang. With a Quaker. He threw the Quaker's universalist Christian book on the ground in disgust. He also, quote, frequently rebuked the young men for their levity and appeared much displeased if they were not attentive hearers. So he's getting old and irritated.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, listen to me. Yeah, well, he's putting a knitting needle through his heel.

[Dave Anthony]

In March of 1945, Johnny, at 70, marched 15 miles through snow and rain to fix a bramble fence at one of his orchards. At a cabin belonging to William Worth and his family, he asked for a roof over his head. And they happily obliged, as they'd done many times. He ate alone on the floor, as usual.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a dog.

[Dave Anthony]

And they gave him. And gave the people the good news. Quote, right. Fresh from heaven, Johnny slept by the fire.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, what was the good news?

[Dave Anthony]

I'm sure it was God. Shit, blah, blah, don't kill moths. Whatever. Johnny slept by the fire. But by morning, he had a fever and could not speak. Finally, we finally have the best Johnny ever. And then he died.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can you imagine being the fucking person with the house? Oh, what? Johnny Appleseed's dead by our fire.

[Dave Anthony]

And then you eat him?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who are those two hot ghosts over him? Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

I swear To God, dude. And then all of a sudden there are three ghosts. One's doing anal and the other one. The whole fucking thing was crazy, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then what happened, sir? Then they just titty fucked him by the fire for a little while. I don't know. It was totally insane. It was crazy. It was the craziest thing I've ever seen. And then they put a bunch of splinter dishes in his feet and stuff like that.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, That was pretty hot though. That part was. That was pretty hot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kill my own.

[Dave Anthony]

Some stuff that. I guess it kind of opened some stuff up in me, you know what I mean? And I just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just. Johnny Applesauce.

[Dave Anthony]

I never really looked at intimacy that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go to heaven already. Go to heaven. Oh my God. Yes. Yes. Johnny, stop. Oh, yes. Oh, I waited so long. Yes. Jesus, Johnny, this feels great. This reminds me of when I put it in an apple. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

So we have a. I mean, it's like a. It's like an always coming ghost in our house. And it's really bad. It does that all the time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

And honestly, we.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It feels so good from the tip to the base.

[Dave Anthony]

We would be fine with it not being here if it was just quiet. And sometimes, Yeah, we just need feeling hot, hot, hot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Feeling hot, hot, hot.

[Dave Anthony]

And then you think it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's.

[Dave Anthony]

You think it's quiet for a minute and the song stopped and like, oh, maybe you'll go to sleep for a little while because you know. You know, you need some kind of sleep. We found.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is from six.

[Dave Anthony]

We found out that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go, go, baby.

[Dave Anthony]

Ghosts don't sleep after.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm loving every minute of it.

[Dave Anthony]

They're not people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah. Oh, it hurts. It hurts in a good way in a good way Hurts in a good way Hurts in a good way it hurts in a good way.

[Dave Anthony]

Ghost.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It turns out that's it. I'm done.

[Dave Anthony]

They can come over and over and over again. They never get tired.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh. Oh my God. Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

So anyway, anyway, that's why I'm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

Calling the ghost hunters on. I just need you guys to comment and help me out here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't think we'll be able to sell the house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, here I go again. Oh, the new shift son. Don't mind if I do. I got some wood to graft to you. Anyone ever smoke?

[Dave Anthony]

The doctor pronounced him dead. Told everyone that he'd never seen such a serene look on a corpse in his life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think we know why. Holy Christ, look at his eyes. Did he. Was he smiling when he slept or was that just after.

[Dave Anthony]

Much later, the Worth family would say that the body was practically glowing with tranquility.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll bet it were.

[Dave Anthony]

For his final outfit, he wore, quote, the waists of four pairs of pants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, wait, the waists?

[Dave Anthony]

That's what it says. It's a quote.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What, like just the elastic.

[Dave Anthony]

These were cut off at the forks, ripped up at the sides and the fronts thrown away, saving the waistband attached to the hinder part. These hinder parts were buttoned around him, lapping like shingles, so as to cover. So as to cover the whole lower part of his body. Over top it all, next to the Chapman's skin was a coarse coffee sack with holes cut out for the arms and head. And quote. What was once pantaloons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What was once pantaloons.

[Dave Anthony]

He cut off the butt part of the four pairs of pants and buttoned together as some sort of superpants. It's called fashion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That sounds like something yay would make. Who the is that quote from? Who came up with super pants?

[Dave Anthony]

Don't worry about it. Mind your pants business.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you please tell me what he wore one more time?

[Dave Anthony]

The waist of four pairs of pants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which is already not okay.

[Dave Anthony]

These were cut off at the forks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The forks.

[Dave Anthony]

I believe that's the. So the. They're like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so we wore like booty shorts, like denim. So we wore four pairs of booty.

[Dave Anthony]

Shorts ripped up at the sides.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They just said juicy on the back, Johnny.

[Dave Anthony]

So the. So they ripped up the sides, the hinder part.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they're basically like fronts thrown away. Mini skirts.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, so. So they're. So it's open at the front.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mini.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. No, because the mini. The mini skirt doesn't. Isn't like. Here's my genitals. These are open at the front, bro.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you ever. What? Okay, okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Saving the waistband attached to the hinder part. So the back ass part is covered. The hinder parts were buttoned around him, lapping like shingles so as to cover the whole lower part of his body.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So there's four butt parts.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a. Yeah, it's a. It's a lower cape.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think what he's wearing is a smock.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a lower cape. It's the back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he's wearing a smock.

[Dave Anthony]

Are smocks in the back? Smocks are in the front.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, yeah, but it's like smock technology.

[Dave Anthony]

It's. It's a reverse smock.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's wearing a backwards apron. Can you imagine this fucking, like, legend showing up in a backwards apron. What's for supper? And then dying in front of your fire like, the fuck. They're gonna think we did this to him. We're gonna be implicated in the weirdest murder of our time. We need to get him in the attic. There's no stairs up there, you idiot. If only technology would give us away.

[Dave Anthony]

It's four smocks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Four smocks. Four smocks at the back. And then he's just got, like, a little fucking miniskirt on at the front.

[Dave Anthony]

You know, you try to. You try to like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And no shoes because he stepped on a worm once. Three hats and then coffee.

[Dave Anthony]

You're mad at fashion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I'm flagging this over top at all.

[Dave Anthony]

Next to the Chapman skin. I don't know what Chapman skin is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Doesn't matter. At this point.

[Dave Anthony]

Was a coarse coffee sack with the holes cut out for arms and head. That was. Was once pantaloons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So that was once pantaloons.

[Dave Anthony]

I think the coffee sack used to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Be pants, but only for one person. Him.

[Dave Anthony]

Him. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So he eventually was like, you know what? The downstairs is really taking care of itself. But I'll bet you I could wear my old coffee bag pants as a shirt.

[Dave Anthony]

So he cut off the butt part of four pairs of pants and buttoned them together like some sort of super pants. It makes sense if you think about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then he shows up and you're like, how are you, Johnny? Good. Pretty good. Nobody's giving me credit for nothing no more. I basically built this country. Is it time for supper? Oh, that's good. No, no. Put it in a bowl. I'll eat it off the floor like a canine. Whoo. I'm pooped. All right. Hey, I'm awake. I'm very sick. Oh, no.

[Dave Anthony]

And then Tim Gunn comes in and, what are you doing here?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We don't know who he is. I love this. This is amazing. No, we don't know him. Great.

[Dave Anthony]

His estate was valued at $15,000 in today's money, which was in today's money. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

His estate was valued at 15,000 in today's money. All that.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, he gave it all to the church.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know, but still, for someone to come in and be like, all right, this is $2.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm sure he had a pot. A pot fund. All was sold to pay back taxes or debt. And then tributes poured in. Sam Houston, William Tecunzo Sherman. All these big famous guys are like, I love Johnny Appleseed. A Harper's article by Charles Allen Smart described what his life meant. He embodies, quote, the America that has never been interested in money or public opinion. That has been friendly, sensible and brave instead of aggressive and bloody. That has nurtured life instead of destroying it. And that has been sensitive to the beauty of this continent and done something to create here a civilization. Johnny Appleseed stands for ourselves at our best.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not wrong.

[Dave Anthony]

Not right either.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not wrong and not right without question. But it definitely. Look, I would rather a country of Johnny Appleseeds. That would be better.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Then we.

[Dave Anthony]

We. We act like we hate nature, basically.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And it all. Yeah, yeah. But. But yes, maybe about.

[Dave Anthony]

He smelled really bad and may.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, look, he's a flawed messenger. He is a. The messiah had a pot on its head. But. But there is something to that idea that, like that all the. The general thinking behind everything he was doing is great. It's far closer to what it should be.

[Dave Anthony]

It's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then towards the end, he got bitter and he obviously just wore four aprons backwards. But that is better. I mean, that is a way better way than now where you're like, what are you gonna do? Save a tree? Shut up. Fucking loser.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, tree. Fucking tree hugger. Are you mad that I like trees?

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, anyone who calls you a tree hugger has never taken mushrooms. There's nothing better on mushrooms than hugging a tree. You gain all of its knowledge in exchange for some of your water. It's pretty fucking straightforward.

[Dave Anthony]

I'd fuck a tree on mushrooms. Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How great would it be to hang out with Johnny Appleseed on mushrooms?

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just don't. You don't tell him, though. It wouldn't be that great because you don't tell him.

[Dave Anthony]

He'd be just going off, man, these.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Trees are fucking humming right now, dude. And don't say that too much. You keep saying that right over here. Holy shit. I want to hug this tree. Star, keep going. They're messing up the pace.

[Dave Anthony]

Research was done by Josh Androwski. Johnny Appleseed. Johnny Appleseed, the man, the myth, the American story by Howard Means. Johnny Appleseed, a pioneer hero by W.D. haley and Harper's Magazine. Wow. That's it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. It's also fun to picture this thing banging two ghosts. Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, that was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Story of Paul Bunyan.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not the same as what you're told as a child.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no. They really did sanitize that. They really did a good job of taking out a lot of the weird stuff, to be quite honest. Oh, yeah. It might be one of the only times where, like, American history, they were like, these cuts are valid. Oh, yeah. Like, they just hung in there with, like, the. His name was Johnny Appleseed. He loved trees. What did he wear? There'll be no more questions.

[Dave Anthony]

Cut the mic. Cut the mic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What was his favorite shoe? Shut up. Cut the mic. Did he ever hurt a worm? Stop. All right.

[Dave Anthony]

Shut the lights off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was he married? All right, that's it. Show's over. Show's over, everybody. Show is over. Thank you, everybody. Thanks for coming. Oh, and if you're. If you are a. If you paid for the meet and greet VIP thing, stick around, sit up front. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thanks, Glas. Appreciate it. What's up, doll heads? Just a reminder. Always throw those doll heads on stage. We love them. Hey, Gareth Reynolds here. I will be at Rooster T Feathers in Sunnyvale, California, November 6th through November 8th. I will be at the Omaha Funny Bone the 28th and 29th of November. Then I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia, on December 2, Seattle, December 3, and Eugene, December 4. Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.