The Dollop Episode 710: Johnny Appleseed (Live)

Overview

In this raucous live episode, comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds dive into the real, bizarre, and unexpectedly profound history of Johnny Appleseed—born John Chapman. As usual, Dave plays the straight-man historian (to the extent possible), recounting Chapman's journey from oddball frontier wanderer to American folk myth, while Gareth riffs, satirizes, and derails into comedic asides. The episode unpacks Johnny’s peculiar life: his unconventional apple planting, pacifism, mystical faith, devotion to animal welfare, and truly wild fashion and lifestyle choices. Listeners get a portrait of a man far stranger—and more interesting—than the sanitized legend taught in school.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Early Life and Family Chaos (02:30-06:30)

• John Chapman’s mother died in 1776 during childbirth, the baby also perishing. His father returned from war, remarried a woman with many children, and the resulting blended family—14 people—shared a 400 sq ft house.
• Gareth: "So 450 people, that's pretty good. That's what we're getting close to now." (05:57)

2. Escape to the West — American Expansion, Native Relations (06:40-09:00)

• John and his half-brother left the crowded home, moving across the Ohio River to the western frontier, then a border between white settlers and native peoples.
• The Ohio Company of Associates offered free land to those planting 50 apple and 20 peach trees, to encourage real settlement and discourage land-flipping.
• Dave: "This was the golden age of the speculator and land was gobbled up ... until someone dealt with the Indian problem." (08:27)

3. Labor, Wanderlust, and Trouble Settling Down (09:11-12:55)

• Johnny worked as an apple grower, loved the forest, and couldn’t stay put long enough to claim land. He'd plant orchards, then move on—losing his claims to others.
• Known for his wild endurance stunts and acts of neighborly kindness.

4. Peculiar Pacifism — Toward Animals, Plants, and People (16:32-19:05, 31:27-34:34)

• Johnny’s profits often went to buying pasture for abused horses; he couldn’t watch animals or plants suffer.
• He refused to graft apple trees, believing it hurt them:

  Dave: "He believed trees felt the knife, that they had souls. And grafting them did harm. Prove them wrong." (18:54)

• Johnny practiced extreme non-violence, going so far as to nurse wolf pups, refuse to swat mosquitoes, and put out campfires to save moths.

  Gareth: "That's the malaria line. ... Look at him enjoying me. Hey, Johnny. I'm out of here. Suck it, my boy. You too, mosquito." (32:05)

5. Why Apples? Cider, Not Food (19:23-24:56)

• Apples weren’t planted for eating but for making hard cider, which was more common than beer or wine.

  Dave: "He was giving people on the edge of the white world what they wanted most. The ability to get drunk." (22:53)

• Johnny’s apples were bitter—perfect for booze, not snacks.

6. Mystical Motivation: Swedenborgian Christianity (25:04-36:25)

• Johnny was a disciple of Emanuel Swedenborg, an 18th-century mystic who claimed to talk to angels, aliens, and spirits.
• Swedenborg taught that all living things have spiritual counterparts and that true holiness is “being useful,” even in heaven.

  Dave: "Plants and animals aren't just for human consumption. They're God's silent messengers and manifestations of human qualities, both good and bad." (31:27) Gareth: "Now that's fucking ludicrous. That's the malaria line." (32:05)

• Johnny preached celibacy; claimed two ghost women told him to abstain from sex on earth so they could "get rowdy" with him in the afterlife.

  Gareth: "Two hot ghost women came to me and said, 'Do not, because after all this, it's on.' I'd be like, you got it." (36:06)

7. Lifestyle Eccentricity: Clothes, Hygiene, and More (41:05-46:40)

• Lived simply, often homeless: wore a coffee sack, no shoes (after stepping on a worm), and a cooking pot as a hat for convenience.
• Maintained beautiful teeth (despite loving snuff), but almost certainly smelled horribly and rarely washed.

  Dave: "Let's just agree that Johnny Appa Seat smelled horrible." (46:35) Gareth: "Look, he was wearing a potato. The best thing he was wearing was ripped pants. He had a potato sack on, no shoes, and a cooking pot." (46:40)

8. Relationships with Settlers and Native Americans (56:56-70:52)

• Johnny was welcomed—or at least tolerated—by both white settlers and many native tribes, who saw his benevolence and pacifism.
• His epic barefoot, midnight run warning settlers at the onset of violence (War of 1812) helped make him a folk hero.

9. Later Years: Increasing Oddness, Loss of Reputation (72:18-75:53)

• His later years saw him threatening lawsuits over his orchards (somewhat absent-mindedly, while eating nuts), and the community began to sour on him for mooching food and having unkempt habits.
• His fashion grew more elaborate—at one point, he wore a pyramid of three hats (a brimmed hat, a pot, and a crown), kept his books between them, and wore the “waists of four pairs of pants” arranged as a cape to cover his lower half.

10. Death and Legacy (77:18-end)

• Died at 70, after a final charitable act fixing an orchard fence, alone but at peace, wearing his signature outlandish clothing:

  Dave: "For his final outfit, he wore, quote, the waists of four pairs of pants ... lapping like shingles to cover the whole lower part of his body. Over top it all ... a coarse coffee sack ... what was once pantaloons." (82:44)

• Gave all his estate (valued at $15,000 in today’s money) to his church. Tributes flowed in, with later writers framing him as a symbol of America at its most altruistic and nature-loving—though Gareth and Dave debate how apt that is.

  Dave (reading Allen Smart): "He embodies...the America that has never been interested in money or public opinion...that has nurtured life instead of destroying it." (88:08) Gareth: "Look, I would rather a country of Johnny Appleseeds. That would be better." (89:10)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Apple Grant Requirements:
  “It’s a great idea to just be like, yeah, you get it. You just gotta make it all tree. Everywhere is an orchard. I like that plan.” — Gareth (09:04)
• On Non-violence:
  “He could simply not watch an animal suffer. Or a plant.” — Dave (17:56)
• On Plant Grafting:
  “‘They can improve the apple in that way, but that is only a device of man. And it is wicked to cut up trees in that way. God only can improve the apples.’” — Johnny Appleseed quote, read by Dave (20:12)
• On Spiritual Motivation:
  “If two hot ghost women came to me and were like, ‘Do not, because after all this, it’s on,’ I’d be like, you got it? 100%.” — Gareth (36:06)
• On His Appearance:
  “The real Johnny Applesky scared the living shit out of people.” — Dave (58:23)
• On Hygiene:
  “He just had goulash hair.” — Gareth (46:32) “Let’s just agree that Johnny Appleseed smelled horrible.” — Dave (46:35)
• On His Death Attire:
  “So he cut off the butt part of four pairs of pants and buttoned them together as some sort of superpants. It’s called fashion.” — Dave (83:01)
• On His Legacy:
  “‘He embodies...the America that has never been interested in money or public opinion...that has nurtured life instead of destroying it. Johnny Appleseed stands for ourselves at our best.’” — Allen Smart, read by Dave (88:08) “Look, I would rather a country of Johnny Appleseeds. That would be better.” — Gareth (89:10)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Family background, Bunker Hill/Ohio intro: 02:30–06:30
• Frontier, Ohio Company, apple/peach grant: 06:40–09:00
• Obsessive apple growing, failure to settle: 09:11–12:55
• Animal/plant welfare, anti-grafting: 16:32–19:05; 31:27–34:34
• Apple cider over food, alcoholism: 19:23–24:56
• Swedenborgian faith, mystical experiences: 25:04–36:25
• Fashion, hygiene, pot hat, shoelessness: 41:05–46:40
• Relations with settlers and natives, War of 1812: 56:56–70:52
• Downfall in public image, three hats, “superpants”: 72:18–75:53
• Final days, death, legacy: 77:18–end

Tone & Style

The episode’s tone is anarchic and irreverent, with rapid switches between deadpan reporting (Dave) and unfiltered, absurd riffing (Gareth). The live audience feeds into their improvisational style, especially as they lampoon Johnny’s lifestyle, spiritual beliefs, and the contrast between the myth and reality. The hosts continuously undermine the sanitized legend of Johnny Appleseed with details both comic and poignant, making the episode both laugh-out-loud funny and sneakily insightful.

Summary

This episode peels back the apple-myth to reveal a uniquely American oddball: Johnny Appleseed as proto-environmentalist, mystic, itinerant pacifist, and living contradiction. While laughable in attire and habits, Johnny’s commitment to non-violence, generosity, and a (very) personal vision of how to leave the earth better shine through. The reality may be too odd for grade school textbooks—but it’s much more interesting, as only The Dollop could tell it.

Research Credits:

• Research by Josh Androwski
• Sources: "Johnny Appleseed: The Man, The Myth, The American Story" by Howard Means; "Johnny Appleseed, Pioneer Hero" by W.D. Haley; Harper’s Magazine