712 - Henry Hudson - part one

Summary

The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds

Episode 712 - Henry Hudson, Part One

Release Date: December 9, 2025
Theme: A comedic deep-dive into the life and voyages of the English explorer Henry Hudson, exploring the messy and often absurd realities of early European navigation, leadership nightmares, and the roots of North American colonization.

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode kicks off a two-part journey through the life and misadventures of Henry Hudson, the English explorer famed for accidentally helping to found New York and for his legendary (and sometimes disastrous) quests to discover a new route to Asia. With their signature banter and sharp irreverence, Dave (the researcher/storyteller) and Gareth (the bewildered and riffing co-host) weave together Hudson's historical expeditions, sailor superstitions, colonial arrogance, and frequent mutinies—all through a modern, comedic lens.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Henry Hudson’s Mysterious Origins

• Intro to Hudson: Born around 1565-1570, “most likely to a trading family,” but “we don’t know anything about his upbringing at all. Not even his parents’ names—just his grandfather.” (Dave, 03:14)
• Era Sibling Dynamics: Hudson was the youngest of eight sons, and in his era, “the older sons got cushy jobs and the youngest got sent to sea at 10–12 to learn the trade. The family system shot him off as cannon fodder to ‘learn the trade, kid.’” (Dave, 05:15)

2. Up the Ranks: Life at Sea

• Cabin Boys: Duties included errands, assisting cooks, swabbing decks, and in wartime, carrying gunpowder as “powder monkeys.” (Dave, 07:12)
• Possible Pirate Past: “He may have fought against the Spanish, maybe was a pirate. Nobody knows. If you didn’t write it down back then, it’s just a rumor.” (Dave, 08:02)

3. The Northeast Passage: Dream, Myth, and Science

• Quest for a Shortcut: Europeans wanted a direct trade route to Asia through the Arctic, theorizing the sun “melts the ice for three months, so a ship can just go!” (Dave, 10:10)
• Wild Theories: Some thought the Arctic water was “warm” in the summer. (Dave, 11:47)

4. Nepotism, Leadership, and Terrible Crew Relations

• Hudson as ‘Nepo Baby’ Captain: Chosen by the Muscovy Company for both his navigation rep and family connections. (Dave, 12:04)
• Brazen Disobedience: Instead of following orders, Hudson veers off for a rumored “northwest” route—without telling the crew.
  • “He mostly doesn’t care what he’s told to do.” (Dave, 14:19)
• Hilarity and Mutiny: Crew get spooked by compass errors (due to magnetic fields), leading to mutiny and accusations of witchcraft:
  • “They decided the way to handle this is by locking Henry in the hold.” (Dave, 16:52)

5. Arctic Disasters

• Grampus Attack: The ship is rammed by a ‘grampus’—sailor slang for an unidentified whale. Seen as a cursed omen. (Dave, 19:22)
• Toxic Cuisine: Crew falls ill after eating polar bear liver (“a hard thing to learn”). (Dave, 23:31)
• Icebergs and Near-Death: At their northernmost point, an iceberg almost crushes the ship, but Hudson manages to direct the crew in towing the ship out of danger. (Dave, 24:38–25:43)
  • “So in a moment like that, great. When out at sea, he’s awful. Douche, even.” (Dave, 25:48)

6. ‘Discoveries’ and Plagiarisms

• Hudson’s ‘Touches’: Henry discovers and names an island “Hudson’s Touches,” but never reports it to avoid punishment for deviating off course. The Dutch later “discover” and rename it. (Dave, 27:14–28:37)
• Mapping Greenland and Svalbard: The crew maps “already discovered and mapped” territories, like the Svalbard Islands, calling dibs post-factum. (Dave, 22:31–23:09)

7. Wrongdoing and Justifications for Colonial Violence

• First Contact: Natives are described as “friendly and welcoming”; Europeans almost immediately steal, loot, and kidnap.
• Rationalizations: Every preemptive European attack is justified by supposed “omens” (e.g., a ship’s cat’s zoomies, 64:25).
• Gareth, on colonial logic: “It’s time that we start talking about how awesome it could be to take all this established stuff from a savvier group of people… Kick ass!” (Gareth, 68:09)
• Hudson’s Relative Restraint: He’s less bloodthirsty than his crew but enables atrocities by leadership by avoidance.

8. Superstitions, Mutinies, and Mermaids

• Ongoing Mutinies: The threat of mutiny is constant. Crew complaints escalate as Hudson keeps changing course unannounced.
• Mermaid Sighting: “Two men saw the mermaid—long black hair, woman’s breasts, porpoise tail… She looked earnestly at the men as they gathered to gawk.” (Dave, 50:21)
• Bawdy Theorizing: Gareth and Dave riff on sailors’ sexual frustration creating “fish-women hallucinations.” (48:00–49:50)

9. Backers, Rivals, and Corporate Chicanery

• Switching Sides: When England loses interest, French and Dutch race to hire Hudson. Dutch win—putting his family under supervision in Holland as “collateral.” (Dave, 54:44–55:16)
• Strict Contracts: The Dutch alter the contract to prevent Hudson from straying off the agreed Northeast route, acknowledging his “bolting” history. (Dave, 58:41)

10. Foundation of New York (Sort Of)

• Mapping the Hudson River/Early NYC: Hudson "accidentally" maps what will be New York, Staten Island, Coney Island, and the ‘Hudson River.’
• The Dutch Use His Journals: His logs on the “fertility” and “kindness” of the land and the natives are later used to justify full-scale colonization. (Dave, 74:03)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Viking Style Parenting:
  Gareth (05:29): “Unfortunately, you’ve been eighth in row, so you’re off to have a Poseidon adventure. Sorry about that, boy. You’d been one of them early nuts.”

• On Toxic Polar Bear Liver:
  Dave (23:36): “Turned out you can’t eat polar bear liver—we've discovered that one the hard way.”

• The Compass Mutiny:
  Dave (17:13): “They decided the way to handle this is by locking Henry in the hold and turning the ship around. Not a bad mutiny.”

• On Superstitious Sailors:
  Gareth (16:24): “Witchcraft!... What’s that? Oh, a witch, she’s pulling us in!”

• On Sailor Sexual Frustration Creating Mermaids:
  Gareth (48:56): “The dream woman is one who’s topless, you can shag her, and then cook her bottom for dinner also.”

• On Colonial Violence and Convenience:
  Dave (65:08): “Of course, it was the natives who shouldn’t have trusted the whites.”

• Crew’s Reluctant Loyalty:
  Dave (29:01): “This was the first voyage of its kind not to lose a single member of crew.”

• Corporate Chaperones:
  Dave (54:44): “The Dutch East India Company didn’t mess around. They made Henry move his wife and kids to Holland to be under their supervision to make sure he stuck around. Family collateral.”

• On Flimsy Justifications:
  Gareth (64:47): “Turns out these natives are devils because the cat has zoomies.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Segment | |---------------|-------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:14 | Introduction to Hudson's mysterious origins | | 05:15 | 16th-century family/sons and “sent to sea” custom | | 07:12 | What a cabin boy did; 17th-century ship life | | 08:02 | Speculation about Hudson’s pirate past | | 10:10 | The dream of a Northeast Passage—English navigational myths | | 12:04 | Why Hudson was entrusted by the Muscovy Company | | 16:52 | Mutiny: Hudson locked in hold for witchcraft | | 19:22 | Rammed by a grampus—sailor omens and fear | | 23:31 | Crew poisoned by polar bear liver | | 24:38–25:43 | Iceberg emergency; Hudson’s quick thinking | | 27:14–28:37 | Hudson “discovers” and hides “Hudson’s Touches” from superiors | | 41:06–42:25 | First mate Jewett: insubordination; punished with lashes | | 62:47 | Hudson gives the crew the illusion of choice—icy waters vs. warmth | | 65:08 | Crew’s attacks on natives rationalized by omens (cat’s zoomies) | | 68:09 | Gareth’s satirical take on colonial robbery | | 74:03 | Hudson’s journals become tools for Dutch colonization |

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Flow & Tone Notes

• Language and Style: The episode is filled with signature Dollop banter—raunchy, irreverent, quick with present-day comparisons, and sprawling with detours (which sometimes double as historical clarification or context).
• Quips and Sidebars: Gareth plays up childlike confusion, serves as the stand-in for a modern viewer (“Did nobody tell him he was 500 miles off course?”), and both hosts satirize colonial logic, modern toxic leadership, and the ridiculousness of sailor superstition.
• Historical Depth Meets Ridicule: Dave anchors facts and detail; Gareth lands metaphorical punches and comedic relief. The pair stress that history is both wild and deeply flawed when filtered through the arrogance and ignorance of its leading men.

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Summary for New Listeners

If you’ve ever wondered how so much of “discovery” history was random, bloody, and administratively incompetent—with monster egos, mutinies waiting in every icy sea, and a whole lot of “discovering” lands already occupied—this episode delivers, wrapped in relentless comedy.

Henry Hudson emerges not as an intrepid hero, but a skilled navigator, a hopeless (and arrogant) leader, and a man who bumbled his way—sometimes accidentally and sometimes with a wink and a dodge—into shaping the history of North American colonization.

Stay tuned for Part Two, where things apparently get “hot and sexy.”

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End of Part One.

Transcript

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did I tell you about the laser pube gun? So I got this gun to laser off my pubes and I guess everybody's using it and it's like huge in Brazil. Like, Brazilian waxers are going out of business in Brazil.

[Dave Anthony]

Where can I get it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a website called Laser Pube off dot com. And I went there and I got my pubes lasered off so fast.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, it was ridiculous. It's the only place to go.

[Dave Anthony]

You're listening to the Dollop. It's an American history podcast. Or. Each week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to my arch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Enemy, Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about, by the way. I think it's time for me to run through my qualities, and one of them is tech wizard, because we've been trying to record for an hour and 40.

And it just happened. Dave, now here's what I did. Let me do something very.

[Dave Anthony]

I sat back and watched football.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You did nothing. I want to say thank you to Melissa Jones, who sent me 12 bottles of exceptional wine.

[Dave Anthony]

Not me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you didn't ask for it. And her.

[Dave Anthony]

Her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I don't know. I don't drink Paso Robles, I think.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, Paso Robles. Yeah. Paso rolls. Yeah. That's a. That's a. That's a. It wasn't. When I was in college in San Luis Obispo, it wasn't a wine place, but it is now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it's Pear Valley. Oh, that's a Robles.

[Dave Anthony]

That's where they make pears.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That wine.

[Dave Anthony]

It's too hot for pears there. So I don't know. Is that wine why it's called Pear Valley?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's some good one.

[Dave Anthony]

Are you done?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I'm done with that because that.

[Dave Anthony]

Took a lot of time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, there was one other thing I was gonna say. Oh. I met a guy named Amo in Seattle, and he said when he first listened to the Dollop, I told you this. We were talking about the guy who got eaten by the anaconda. And it was terrible. And he was like, I thought this was a history show. I was, like talking about for eight minutes. And he was like, the show's garbage. And then he, like, listened to the rest.

[Dave Anthony]

He's like, yeah, yeah, it was one of you. Did you tell him? Was one of your tangents.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but I. But again, I'm the kid. I'm the boy scout. I'm the 15 year old.

[Dave Anthony]

Absolutely not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely. Look at these forehead pimples.

[Dave Anthony]

You're an Old man who keeps oiling himself up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have a bit. Well, okay. Real quick then we'll be done. But it's a shame that the Marin clip hit so hard when he was talking about Rogan and a lot of people talking about how shiny I look. One guy or two? A couple people. I stopped scrolling through the comments, but a lot of people said I had. It's called Ozempic head.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow, that's. Is that. Is that a thing? Do you get.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know.

[Dave Anthony]

I haven't heard that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't know you got all greasy.

[Dave Anthony]

If people want to know the secrets, I. Before the podcast, I urinate on Garrett's face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. That's how I. That will remember. It was gonna be a rotating guest.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. But now it's just me peeing on now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I've secured the job by getting a golden bath every time.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's a golden shower podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're doing the anaconda thing.

[Dave Anthony]

1565 or 1570 in there somewhere. 1565 to 1570.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not one of those time Nazis.

[Dave Anthony]

London, London.

Hendrick Henry Hudson was probably born around then. We don't know. Most likely to a trading family. We don't know anything about his upbringing at all. Not. We don't even know his parents names. We know his grandfather's name was Henry Hudson, but we don't know the parents names.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so the boat's like baldness. It skips a generation.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, but that doesn't happen with baldness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nobody knows.

[Dave Anthony]

Although my grandfather went bald when he was 18.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you'd rather that I don't. I think you'd. I think if you're gonna lose it. Yes. I think if you're gonna lose it, do it at 18. It's better that than like 38.

[Dave Anthony]

But I think it's very hard to get sex, as it's called when you're a bald 18 year old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, here's what I found. My friend who's been shaving his head because he was going bald since he was 18.

[Dave Anthony]

But he looks like he should be bald.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But he's looked. Brett was going to say his name and he. And people tell him they're talking about.

[Dave Anthony]

You, but he looks like a guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's the same for 20 years.

[Dave Anthony]

He looks like a guy you should have never had hair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But he. And I don't believe he did. But he has looked the same for 20 years. Whereas someone you keep checking in with every few years, who's going bald. You're like, they're getting old. Keep Brett. Look. Brett looked old at 18 and now has looked the same his entire life.

[Dave Anthony]

My college, you might have felt sorry for. Because when he would blow dry his hair, all this hair stick to the wall behind him. And I'd just be like, dude, buddy, dude. I think it's raft to losing in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your mid-20s, checks in the mail.

[Dave Anthony]

Probably roughest. Probably. It's always.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a neutrophil ad.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Okay. So.

Historians know that his father or grandfather was an alderman in London and a founding member of the Muscovy Company, which formed to facilitate trade with Ivan the Terribles Russia. Oh, wow. But you knew that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I mean, I knew that, but then musk. I said, oh, wow. Because I was like, I know that.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Henry was the youngest of eight sons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the right amount back then.

[Dave Anthony]

Older sons got cushy administrative jobs at their family companies, while younger sons were eaten. Went to see it like 10 to 12 years old to learn how to. When to learn how to be a sailor. Get out there and learn the trade, kid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, unfortunately, you've been eighth in row, so you'll be. You're off to have a Poseidon adventure. Sorry about that, boy. You'd been one of them early nuts.

[Dave Anthony]

That's a shame.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's a bit of a shame that you've. You were one of my later loads.

[Dave Anthony]

But that's what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, I've banged a lot. I've shot a lot into your mum. But you was at the end of the queue, wasn't you?

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, Dad, I didn't need to hear the load stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't worry. This is before pulling out. Spin a thing, Papa. Yeah, go on in.

[Dave Anthony]

Let's not talk about the jizz.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you're not gonna have to hear a lot because you're gonna go off as a fisherman.

[Dave Anthony]

I'd like that to be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whereas your brother, he's a CEO of a lovely company.

[Dave Anthony]

I'd like to be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he's got a cushy job and two wives. I'd like to be away pet monkey from you.

[Dave Anthony]

You.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whereas you, because you've. Because you decided to gestate in my testicles for so long, you've now gone. You've got to go off to sea. Well, you'll probably be hanging about the. You know, you'll be saying things like starboard and poop deck and things of that nature. And you learn what an anchor is.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, Dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Speaking of which, you. You're. This. The load that you was in, really anchored to the bottom of one of my loads.

[Dave Anthony]

Jesus Christ. Do you want to be alone?

Do you need me to leave you for a little while?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're alone now.

[Dave Anthony]

And it's speaking of, like, the anaconda that a lot of people just left.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because this is on topic. Believe it or not, this is a reenactment of some version of it. It could have happened in one of the dimensions.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, so Hudson, Henry Hudson, probably started as a cabin boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

In the 17th century, cabin boys ran errands for officers. They assisted the cook, they cleaned, they swabbed the poop deck.

And carried messages and meals across the ship and the help of sales. They stood watch at the helm. And in wartime, they carried gunpowder as a powder monkey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's a lot of those things are things that I said earlier and you was all negative.

[Dave Anthony]

No, it's one now I'm just a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Voice in my boy's head while he's at sea.

[Dave Anthony]

So you're so obsessed with what you said that you've misspowder monkey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, because I was mentioned monkey earlier, that's what I was referencing.

[Dave Anthony]

Shouldn't most monkeys in nature have gunpowder?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely, yeah. How long until we're arming gorillas? Nobody's given capuchins machetes.

[Dave Anthony]

Henry worked his way up and became captain of his own ship. So years. Years and years and years. Sure, he may have fought against the Spanish. He could also been a pirate. Nobody knows. In the early 1590s.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So if you didn't write down what was going on with you, that was it.

[Dave Anthony]

Nobody knew.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Like if you're. If you're just a guy before Instagram, in the crew on a ship in the 1500s, no one knows. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not. You are an extra.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, no one is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. You are. Yeah. You're an npc.

[Dave Anthony]

He gets married to a woman and Catherine. They have three sons, Oliver, John and Richard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

In January 1607, when he was around 40, Henry was described as a proficient seaman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, that was what I did.

Because when I had eight boys. And that's what you call some proficient semen, mate. Everyone, that was a lot of semen.

[Dave Anthony]

We're all upset with the load.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, the thing about the load is it regenerates every 24 hours.

[Dave Anthony]

Enough. Enough. Get out of the pub.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've. Let me say one thing. Let me say one thing. Let me say one thing.

[Dave Anthony]

Every time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me say, you come into the pub and you start talking, I'll leave. But let me say one thing before I. Okay, You've gotta Think, huh? When you yank on your todger a bit and the, you know, the glue comes out, you gotta think some of that semen, some of those sperm are skeletons. All right, Goodbye.

No, you invite me back in.

[Dave Anthony]

No one wants to drink now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but think about it.

[Dave Anthony]

They've ruined the whole atmosphere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A few of those are just dead guys.

[Dave Anthony]

It's.

A secret. Report also said he, quote, has in his possession secret information to find the Northeast Pass Passage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. To what?

[Dave Anthony]

To Asia. Okay, so this was apparently From a lost 80 year old pamphlet that suggested a covert crossing from England through the North Pole to the Far east, Japan, China, etc. To do trade.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, I know. I know nothing.

[Dave Anthony]

You do know nothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do. I know nothing. England to the North Pole.

[Dave Anthony]

They want a shortcut because they got to go. You got to go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why are they going through right now?

[Dave Anthony]

You got to go south.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Christmas episode.

[Dave Anthony]

You got to go. No, you got to go down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It could be.

[Dave Anthony]

You need to stop talking. They go down around Africa and then that way. Right? That's the, that's the way they're going. So they want a shortcut. Obviously.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just, here's.

[Dave Anthony]

As a man and you're talking, you're talking.

It's like 700, it's. It's exhausting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anytime they're, Anytime they're. We're talking about, you know, snowy, icy land, I get a little. My nipples get hard. I get worried.

[Dave Anthony]

That's fair.

So they, yeah, so they want a shorter route, basically. And at that time it was thought because the sun was shining for three months in the summer in the northern latitudes that the ice would melt and a ship can make it across the top of the world.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are so sun starved that they have no concert. Oh, we could do whatever we want for a while.

[Dave Anthony]

Summer. Let's go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't worry, we'll be fine.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, not a terrible assumption to think that. Well, like. Yeah, because ice melts everywhere in the summer. So you think, well, it's got to do that in the north too. Not a. Not like a hollow Earth theory.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I'm looking back with knowledge.

[Dave Anthony]

True. Well, some knowledge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm looking back with some stuff, not a lot.

[Dave Anthony]

So the theory, also, one guy's theory was also that the water was warm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, just a theory, but.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. So now Henry has a reputation as a great Navy navigator. He's also a Nepo baby. So that's the perfect combo for the Muscovy company to commission him to explore the Northeast Passage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

I gave him 80,000 in today's money.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Nepo baby part, Just because they're like, oh, well, I mean, obviously it's nepotism. So you're just rising to the top.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, they're not going to give that to just some talented. If you just are good navigator, they're not gonna be like, you should run a ship. Yeah, they're not. It's not gonna happen.

So he spends three days at St. Ethelbergus Church praying over whether or not to take this job. And then he finally decides to do it. So he doesn't jump at the chance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

And once it is agreed upon. And while waiting for supplies in Amsterdam, he heard rumors of a northwest route to the Pacific through North America. And once ready, he headed out to sea with his crew, 10 men and his son John. So he thinks that it's there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What does he think is there?

[Dave Anthony]

He passes. He thinks he's gonna be like a whoop straight across.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

And he's with his son John. John is on every. John every, every. Every journey we cover, John will be there. John's the right daddy boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. He's the new Nepo.

[Dave Anthony]

But a couple in A couple. But a couple of weeks in, he deviates from the route that the company had given him. And instead of going north, he went northwest, which is going with your gut.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In a moment like that. It's. It's not like, get off the freeway, do side streets for a minute.

[Dave Anthony]

But he heard while he was there that there was the northwest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a rumor, basically. So he's following a rumor across the ocean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

Which we've done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

So it's kind of the opposite of the way that he is supposed to go. And he doesn't tell the crew, don't tell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So wait, is that. Is that like. Cuz I'm an idiot?

[Dave Anthony]

So I think he just sounds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you just kind of like move the wheel a little like, well, I've told you the story about when I found nine flowers and put them in a book and pressed them while he's just like.

Just try. He's just going a little left.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, boss, why is the sun's over there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, about that. I've charted a rumor course.

There was hearsay of a different route, so I've ignored the maps and the navigation and we'll just go this way for a bit.

[Dave Anthony]

He mostly doesn't care about what he's told to do and which again is like one thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you know, it's like you're trying to get to a bar Yeah, I.

[Dave Anthony]

Know, but running a ship to Asia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I might be a little right up here.

[Dave Anthony]

He just assumes he's smarter than everyone else. Well, in this case, he is smarter than the crew, but. Sure, but he genuinely is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But, boss, is it true your teeth are just toes for your mouth?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's exciting. Your teeth are just owes for your mouth. That's what I've learned. Your teeth are just toes for your mouth. That's what we've learned.

[Dave Anthony]

How about you go.

How's about you go below deck? Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Well, I'm going under the boards. That.

[Dave Anthony]

All right.

That's about you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Below deck?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Without the singing. Yeah.

Without. Without.

What about going below deck without any of the. Of the words.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's asked me to not sing a song as I go. No words along the deck.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now I'm going beneath the ship.

[Dave Anthony]

Whoops.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've fallen overboard.

[Dave Anthony]

So the ship goes to the Arctic. Oh, it turns out the water's not warm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Dave Anthony]

And travel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. Is that. That guy's not along with them.

[Dave Anthony]

No, he's just not. He's a guy with a theory. Back in wherever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

At home, eating soup. Like, pretty good.

[Dave Anthony]

And traveling that far north. Really? With your compass? Because of the earth magnetic fields, it will never point truly north. Okay, so any. Any. Any seasoned navigator knows that. But Henry's men are on their first real voyage. So they have. They come up with a whole different explanation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Witchcraft.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which not great.

[Dave Anthony]

Prove it's not right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not. Not great. So strange. What's going on? Boston's only one thing it could be.

[Dave Anthony]

What's that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

A witch.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's pulling us in.

[Dave Anthony]

Please go down below. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which has put a spell on the ship.

[Dave Anthony]

It would be great if you were down below. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. I'll go that way.

[Dave Anthony]

Where we're going below the song. So they believe the ship has been cursed by a dark magic spell which was caused by the compass. And they decided the way to handle this is by locking Henry in the hold and turning the ship around. It's not bad. It's not a bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Their version of a double tap. So they think he is the problem.

[Dave Anthony]

He at his compass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They think his compass is the problem.

[Dave Anthony]

But he's the owner of the compass, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he's been cursed. And by proxy, the compass has gone with him. So they're gonna lock the captain in a cabin and start going on their own.

[Dave Anthony]

But he somehow manages to talk his way out of the mutiny. And he reluctantly puts on a. Like a bit of a Science demonstration to show how magnetic deflection works. So he does. He has to show them how science. How the compass works. He has to, like, break it down for the dummy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Must have been exciting. Why? What? You mean that?

[Dave Anthony]

If you've ever been on the Joe Rogan podcast, you would know what this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Excuse me. Wait. So how does this magnet work, then?

Well, you see, the magnetic fields are pulling us. Hold on.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where have you got access to all that? Then again, I. I just have it.

[Dave Anthony]

Is that a witch?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I believe a witch has given him.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a witch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't even know all this.

Really. Must have been. I mean, he's stupid.

[Dave Anthony]

He's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In retrospect. Well, they must have been.

[Dave Anthony]

They're. They're like bugs.

They're not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We put a boat says sand, and we thought we could go inside the hole in the middle. Bosch.

[Dave Anthony]

There's always been Maga.

So he. But he did satisfy them momentarily. But there. There's still a weary of the witch bad juju feeling floating around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they kind of give him a pass for now.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, they basically. They don't mutiny, but they're like, keep an eye on that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're on probation.

[Dave Anthony]

We're watching you, Captain. So the. They map the. So they're coming down now. So they map the undiscovered northeast coast of Greenland.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

And try to find the top of it.

And while they were there, the ship was rammed from behind by a grampus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I'm sorry. I've never driven a boat before. Grandpas.

[Dave Anthony]

A grampus. A grampus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I lost my Bowden glasses.

[Dave Anthony]

Patton had a dog named Grumpus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Grumpus is different than Grandpa. Yeah. Grampus would be great.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Grandpus is a great thing to call your grandpa.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

A grampus is basically an undiscovered type of whale or porpoise. So it's a. It's a sea animal that you don't know what it is. And it's big. And you call it a grampus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

So it's big enough to shake the ship when it hits it. So probably some kind of whale.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

The crew did not like this at all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it sounds like a witch.

[Dave Anthony]

Apparently, it's a very curse. It's a very bad omen to be slammed in the rear by a grampus. Well, you know that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you what I spent.

[Dave Anthony]

I lived in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't go to Shady Acres retirement Home.

[Dave Anthony]

I lived in the Castro. So I can say this for. Without a Doubt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got ran by a grandpus. What room is he and Diane?

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, how much get rammed by the grandpus?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So one of my sugar daddies is a grandpa.

[Dave Anthony]

Fears of wizardry are simmering. Right. Henry's first mate was William Collins. And they start getting into arguments so much that Henry demotes him to Boston. I should have looked up what that is. B O S U N boson.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's more. It's the. It's kind of, I guess instead of like, what is he now?

[Dave Anthony]

He was the first mate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So now he's basically just like a dude. Had a higher up deckhand.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. So that's shit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Dave Anthony]

And then he replaced Collins with a guy who had really no experience. So Henry is a leader.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

He's not good at leading. It's very, very.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want to know how I knew that? I'm going to give you one guess. No.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll give you one guess.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't have any guesses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Below deck.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, the show Below deck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So for anyone who thinks that I'm.

[Dave Anthony]

Not doing research right now, this is like doing a podcast with my mom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I guess I need to give her another look.

[Dave Anthony]

Are you comparing a early 1600s voyage on the sea to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm saying that we wouldn't know what a boson was unless I'd watched 48 seasons of below Deck.

[Dave Anthony]

So you just know what a word means.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know the role that you didn't look up. So you get on this, like, hole. I did all the work. Kick, buddy. I'm out there every Monday night watching Mediterranean, watching the sailing yacht.

[Dave Anthony]

I did all the work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We now know what a boson is.

[Dave Anthony]

Actually, I didn't do all the work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's.

[Dave Anthony]

It was very, very cold and did not help. They ran into a solid ice sheet which pushed them further northeast and probably.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Further to thinking that there's warlock stuff happening.

[Dave Anthony]

And there they discovered the Svalbard island archipelago off the coast of Norway and claimed it for England.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Delicious.

Mattering of islands. They're like. These are English.

[Dave Anthony]

The problem was it had already been claimed by a different colonizer, maybe the most efficient ones on earth at the time, the Dutch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How did that work? Declaring it first? Their flags Put it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I think you put a.

Kind of like. Well, you. Once.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You.

[Dave Anthony]

Once you know it's there, you plant the flag and then you put it on a map and you go bang ours.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Which doesn't make much sense, but. But also another. Like another country could take it by just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I mean.

[Dave Anthony]

But then you got to put soldiers on and be like, it's ours.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. England wouldn't do that.

[Dave Anthony]

No. Henry and his and his crew spent about two weeks exploring and mapping islands that had already been explored and mapped.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cool. A lot of fun discoveries. It's like how America was discovered.

[Dave Anthony]

And then suddenly half the crew came down with a violent illness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is witch.

[Dave Anthony]

This time they didn't think it was black magic because they knew the reason. They had eaten a polar bear which has a toxic liver for people. And, you know, so that discoveries, it's hard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It says a lot about the time.

[Dave Anthony]

It is a hard thing to learn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it turns out you can't eat polar bear liver. We've discovered that one the hard way.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean. But how would you know that? Because I wouldn't. I wouldn't think. You.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You wouldn't start with it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, you wouldn't start with it. But also like when you consume the liver, I doubt you would just eat the liver.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

You probably have other parts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe there is someone who, like, figured it out. But for the most part you were like, you can't eat polar bears. Yeah, we're eating like all the meat and then the liver. But eventually one guy was like, I only had liver last night. I' never felt so awful.

[Dave Anthony]

On July 13th, 13th, they reached their northernmost point, which was as far north as any European explorer had ever been.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

This is where they had their most haring moment when an iceberg barreled towards them. It would smash.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Iceberg stayed where it was.

[Dave Anthony]

No, it's moving. It's being. It's being pushed probably by a current or whatever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay.

That fast enough for them to be like, oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, they're. They're also like. It's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're going towards it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, they're going. They're both going towards each other, right? Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not just like an iceberg at night, like off?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, you get up there, they move like 50 miles an hour just coming at you. It's from the magnetics. Yeah.

Jamie, can you look, can you check that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. It'd be great if he just started saying, no, I'm not gonna.

[Dave Anthony]

It would. How much you think Jamie gets paid?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Lots.

[Dave Anthony]

You do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So it would smash them between the ice and the rocky shore. But Henry was quick on his feet, and he had his 11 person crew all jump into an auxiliary boat and tow the 80 ton ship out of the way. And it somehow worked and they survived.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, so he's a good navigator.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That was Good.

[Dave Anthony]

But it. So in this. In a moment like that, great. But when you're just out at sea. He's awful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I don't know.

[Dave Anthony]

Douche. I don't know. He's a sea douche.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a. By the way, that's a jellyfish.

[Dave Anthony]

No, actually, that's the. The. The cucumber. Sea cucumber. Have you ever experienced one of those? Delicious. Very upsetting. By the end of July, Henry realized the weather was already gearing up for winter. And they're in July. Yeah, it's, you know, it's very north.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not much of a summer, is it?

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, shit. Bloody hell. So there'd be no chance to find a passage to the far East. But the journey is not a total disappointment to the financial backers because they went north. As they track back, they killed huge amount of whales and walruses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, great.

[Dave Anthony]

So they're getting the blubber and the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a high blubber market.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Oil. Yeah. Huge blubber market. Right. Okay. So the Muscovy company would profit off investing in whaling ships. And this leads to a massive influx of whaling of Greenland. Some people say he kicked off the whole whaling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Awesome. So this guy is a hero. Yeah, that's awesome.

[Dave Anthony]

Because if he didn't do that, you'd go out in the ocean right now. You'd be like, oh, he's whales. It would be terrible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it'd be real bad, for sure. We need less of them. No doubt.

[Dave Anthony]

So they head back to London, and on the way, he made an actual discovery. A mountainous island 340 miles long off the northeast coast of Iceland. And he called it Hudson's touches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hudson's touches?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. It's like a Epstein Island. Creepy. It's like the first Epstein island.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Hudson touches.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Come on, boys, let's go. Let's go ashore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Super weird Hustler column.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, if you get. If you can name it that, then any of the crew that come on shore, you can be like. So here's the thing. Touches is it's a creepy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You go to New York and it would just be like a salon.

[Dave Anthony]

Not another. Not a lot of islands are named after touching.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I think it. Clearly we've made that a good decision.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, but that's what he wrote in his journal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hudson touches.

[Dave Anthony]

Here's the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The guys are like, what you mean it's gonna be called Hudson touches? I just think that's kind of cool.

[Dave Anthony]

Come on, boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just a Hudson touches.

[Dave Anthony]

Let's get on the island.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Dave Anthony]

You guys like to frolic?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's lose the shirts. It gets the Hudson touches.

[Dave Anthony]

Now here's the problem. Because he had taken an unauthorized route which would get him in trouble.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why? With the.

[Dave Anthony]

The company. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's amazing too.

[Dave Anthony]

So he never tells anybody he discovered the island.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Hudson touches just sits there. So it's discovered by someone else.

[Dave Anthony]

Eventually the Dutch would later find it and claim it for themselves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And they just sat at home and.

[Dave Anthony]

Was like named it like y something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's called Yawn Fingers. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Like Yan May he. Or something like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

May he touch.

[Dave Anthony]

So he was 500 miles off course. So he couldn't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

So. Yeah. The entire voyage approved. A couple of things. Number one, he's a shitty leader.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

And then he's a fantastic navigator.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

So this was the first voyage of its kind not to lose a single member of the crew.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting. Right. Cuz that's where I thought we were going.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Back in England, Henry buckled down and did a bunch of research. Nice. To come up with a route that would go through Russia and Arctic waters and actually make it over there to Cathay, or China as it's called now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

And the Muscovy company agreed to finance another voyage because they were scared that if Ivan the Terrible died, they would lose valuable access to via the Russian land routes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Ivan the Terrible for them. Great guy.

[Dave Anthony]

Great guy. Not terrible. No. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's kind of like he's like whatever you need.

[Dave Anthony]

It's almost. It's almost like people will put aside any morality for money.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go with the politics again. The we just have fun.

[Dave Anthony]

The first mate on this journey was Robert J.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep going.

[Dave Anthony]

He had been on two previous journeys with Henry, including the last one that I described. And Jewett was a competent literate man whose restless and dissatisfied nature led to distrust and confrontations. So good first mate quality.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was gonna say. Yeah. I like some of it. He's like. He's got his opinions.

[Dave Anthony]

He's gonna be. It's important.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's got a vision.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But also he's not a great collaborator.

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

He was great at his job, but he'd let you know just how shitty you were at yours. Especially if you were the captain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay. All right.

[Dave Anthony]

In a journal, Henry describes him as a quote man filled with mean tempers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

So J was. Jesus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The name's tough, huh?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, it's J U E T. So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

J U E T Could be Jute.

[Dave Anthony]

Jute. Well, people have also. Also write it as J E W E T. T. So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, there we go.

[Dave Anthony]

That's why I went with that pronounce. Absolutely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is a Jewett.

[Dave Anthony]

The Dollop is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, look. You look. Why don't you say listen? Go ahead.

[Dave Anthony]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you got to focus on.

[Dave Anthony]

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Okay.

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Well, do you want me to.

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Am I being iced out of talking during these?

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Really?

[Dave Anthony]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

You're using your savings to give me a gift?

[Dave Anthony]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Mint Mobile. You said Sprint Mobile.

[Dave Anthony]

Sorry, did I?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

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Every dollar I save by being on Mint Mobile, every single dollar that I save, which is a lot of money, it's going to you, big fella. It's in. In the form of a prize.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You mean a present?

[Dave Anthony]

You know, it's a prize.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A present.

[Dave Anthony]

It feels weird you're getting a prize this year.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It feels like I'm being rewarded for. Is there supposed to be. I'll take it. Would it? Can I ask what the gift is?

[Dave Anthony]

It is a 1700 pound duck.

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Hell, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

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Gareth yes, the dollop is also brought to you by Aura Frames, buddy. Look, some people like me, I do this. I'm a last minute shopper. I will always be that. So you start getting freaked out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you probably got the prize. You're getting me already.

[Dave Anthony]

And, and, and going to stores now is already nightmare. The shel empty. You're out of ideas. You don't know what you get. Aura Frames is the perfect gift.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Couldn't agree with you more, David.

[Dave Anthony]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

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I always have a hard time getting gifts from my mom and me too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every time it comes to getting your mom something, I'm like, what am I gonna get her this year?

[Dave Anthony]

Truly the best gift that you can give a hug is an aura frame. When I gave your mom the aura frame with all the pictures of me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, back to copy.

[Dave Anthony]

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[Dave Anthony]

And your mom was like, this is the perfect gift. Now she loved it because I can just send candid shots to her at any time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I sent your mom a bunch of stuff too. Me in the yard. I did what I call the salt burn.

[Dave Anthony]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Dave Anthony]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. No. It's all packaged beautifully, straightforward and there's.

[Dave Anthony]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm helping.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know if you know the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whole thing's going good now, Gareth.

[Dave Anthony]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Dave Anthony]

I got my mat. They sent the mat. I haven't gotten the Hydra yet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think I got a mat.

[Dave Anthony]

The mat came so they're like warming me up. They're like, hey, buddy, you excited for this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I'd love a mat. No, it is the best. It's, you know, they, it's the. I cannot say enough good stuff about it when I'm on the road. I miss is you feel like you got a great workout. It's never like a killer as far as feeling like you've hurt something because it's low impact. It's all upside. I thought it was more than 86, but you basically, you just watch these classes on a monitor and there's a bunch of options. You can go for a harder class, you can go for an easier one, but you do feel like you're rowing down a body of water better and it's the best. If you think it's just like a regular rowing machine, you're out of your mind. It's way, way better and, and interactive.

[Dave Anthony]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

I would not. I would. I cannot imagine not having a hydro at home.

[Dave Anthony]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Just give people the mat like they did for Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

I hope you only get the mat.

[Dave Anthony]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Your wedding and when your first birthday. Go ahead.

[Dave Anthony]

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Yeah, they make it easy on you.

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I always call the person. Hey, is Roger there? The ED's better. And they're like, hey, we're just a website.

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So Joe is in a bit of a mood at the embarkment of the voyage. First, he skipped the mandatory priest blessing because he was hanging out with friends in his quarters.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on.

[Dave Anthony]

You don't skip the. Every time we go on a tour, we, we.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got Luke skips those a lot of times just to go to the. Well, then Hampton and buffet.

[Dave Anthony]

We just do it again because everyone's got to Be on hand for that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. I'm bull pissed up. What about missed? There was a priest here making sure the voyage was all right. Ah, bloody hell.

[Dave Anthony]

Then when the ship was about to embark, he refused to send his friends home. So he's just part of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've got a crew of mates and I think they're gonna come along with us. All right.

[Dave Anthony]

No, it's not. No, go on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just four of them.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not all right. It's a crew.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've been playing grog pong. We're like a frat. We're awesome.

[Dave Anthony]

Right. They've got to go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's too late. We're already. He probably told them when they left.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, don't think I've mentioned this. Four of my besties now on board.

[Dave Anthony]

By the way, I've got Bert and Jeff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a bit of a problem. Christ. What?

And I get horribly seasick.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

So Henry had to go down and personally deal with this and kicks the friends off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Later, when a sailor went to tell Jewett, it was his turn for watching. Jewett fought back, and then he had to be lashed several times just to do the most basic part of his job.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

That's awful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's very.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it sounds really, like not what you want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not what you want. No, I mean, you really. Yeah, you're supposed to have a. You know, a good leader lead by example.

[Dave Anthony]

So he's starting out pretty cranky. I mean, this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not doing that.

[Dave Anthony]

This is like, awesome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then you have to lash him. All right, fine.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, me. There we go with this.

The ice made the voyage impossible from the start. Several men became quite ill, and then Henry started to have problems with the crew again, probably because of his terrible personality. His relationship with the crew was not helped by his decision to impulsively do a complete 180 and head west to North America without.

Telling them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How slow of a ue do you have to pull for the crew to be like.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Didn't we already see that?

[Dave Anthony]

I don't think it was slow. I think he just cranked that around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He just did like a bootleggers ue.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And they were like, wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then they notice. They're like, what?

[Dave Anthony]

What are you doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I forgot my keys.

[Dave Anthony]

We supposed to be going Ace Captain?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. I left something back at the Hudson Finger Lakes or whatever it's called.

[Dave Anthony]

That's your name?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Well, look, we'll just. I left my hat and we'll go get that and then we'll finish going. All right. Yay.

[Dave Anthony]

You're not making hooray. No, off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hip, hip, hooray. All right, that's a division. Come on.

[Dave Anthony]

Now.

When the men saw the west return, they think they're headed home to England.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did nobody? Should we ask him what's happening? No, we're going home to our wives.

[Dave Anthony]

But then they went, you know, obviously past England and then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry, hold on, hold on now. Yes.

Yes. Hold on. I'm coming up with a fiber.

[Dave Anthony]

It seems like a bunch of shit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, we. We're going into the back.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

Back of what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The England. Oh, you've never heard about the back way of England?

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, oh, we're gonna slam the back of England like a grandpa. Oh, yes. It's really just quite a way to go.

[Dave Anthony]

We're the grampus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. Yes. Right, yeah, we're gonna go in through the back and you'll love it. It's really good. I was way better. You Beaches. Yes, that's it. We're gonna see the beaches of England's back. Oh, it's really nice. You love it. And they've got lemonade. They've just invented that, a lovely sugary drink made from lemons, which also prevents scurvy, but we probably don't know about that yet.

[Dave Anthony]

So a British ignore that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But we'll go there and have lemonades and they've got big, big umbrellas and we'll put them on the beach and we'll sit under it and. And that's if we go the back way. So we've got to go this way for a while and then we'll circle back and then we'll go in through the back. And if we. Hold on. If we pass North America, that's fine, but. But it's all because we want to go do the beach party. We'll have balls filled with air. Multi colored beach balls, they'll call them. Hip hip Hooray. Hip hip hooray. Hip hip. All right.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm pretty sure we've had lemonade for a long time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, good. Well, then these will be really good ones and you'll really like it and we'll. Yeah, it'll be really good. And. And we'll have a good time and. And we'll lay on blankets and the girls will have. They'll show their tummies. The girls will show their tummies in their swimming costumes.

[Dave Anthony]

Shut up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, well, I'm just trying to talk while you fix your Markovit as well. So let me tell you other things that will happen on there. There'll be the beach balls. The women will show their tummies. There'll be big umbrellas. And what was the other thing?

Lemonade. Yes. Right, yes, lemonade. And we're all gonna be getting really laid, so that'll be good. All right. All right.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, that went on for a while. I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Dear diary, I've lied horribly to the crew today about what we're doing and made up a bunch of stuff about beaches. Did you know lemonade exists?

[Dave Anthony]

When they found out was actually going on, there was a Almost a mutiny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

And Henry ends up turning back to England, but said the crew absolutely did not force his hand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. It's choice.

[Dave Anthony]

To prove it, he wrote up a certificate in calligraphy stating he was not mad and it was actually his idea to go home. And as they got off, he gave a copy to every crew member. Well, that's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's very authentic.

[Dave Anthony]

It's very.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's like getting the Nobel Peace Prize from FIFA.

[Dave Anthony]

This is the most I'm not mad moment of all time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right? And I think you'll all see by this calligraphy certificate that I decided to do this and fuck you all.

[Dave Anthony]

But not everything was terrible. On June 15, they saw a topless mermaid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what that was a drowning woman.

[Dave Anthony]

Let me just say, if I see a mermaid, she better be topless. I don't want another clothed mermaid. I hate that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm okay with a shell bra, but, you know, it really says a lot about the sort of unchecked testosterone that was flowing through every ship that they had to create.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a horny fish. Women. No, I mean, imagine seeing a seal and wanting to it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, just seeing a porpoise and being like, you see that big titty woman? And the other guy's like, oh, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, yeah, I see it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we're going in our fish off tits. Has anyone seen the one that's just a fish head and a vagina? That one looks pretty good too.

[Dave Anthony]

I. I wanna. I wanna love her, but I also want to eat. Eat her. So she's half fish. Have ladies. So I can do sex with the top part and then the bottom part.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can have like a meal. You're getting horrible. But I can cook it. This is what we'll say. The dream woman is one who's topless and you can shag her and then cook a bottom for dinner also.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm cooking up an idea of a different one that's got a bottom lady part and then the top of it is all fish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I've just talked about. Were you listening?

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we've already talked about that one.

[Dave Anthony]

All fish top.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. What I want is feet, head, the rest fish.

[Dave Anthony]

Hold on. Now here's an idea. The top half is all fish and the bottom part we've already talked about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is our legs is mine.

[Dave Anthony]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The tops fish and the bottom's fish.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine having a go at that. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

And not need one, Frank.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That'd be nice, eh? Errands are fish head and then her bottoms are fish too. Oh. Oh, that'd be nice.

Frank having.

[Dave Anthony]

Holy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's gorgeous. Caught Frank having sex with a barracuda. Oh, yeah. You know my mermaid girl.

[Dave Anthony]

Who's your daddy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just walking into the bar with a dead fish. Her name's Diane and she's mine.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. Henry said two men saw the mermaid and she had long black hair, pale skin, woman's breasts, and a porpoise tail speckled like a mackerel. Quote. She looked earnestly on the man as they gathered on the side of the ship and looked at her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. We are eliminating the public jack off rule for five minutes.

[Dave Anthony]

He's. He. And then he named the two men who saw her. Robert Rayner and Thomas Hills. So it's kind of like throwing them out of the bus a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, but they believed, right? Or.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. I mean, I think they saw a seal pop up and look at them and they're like. Like, it's probably misty. They're also super horny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think it is. It's like. It's like a. It is. It's just like if your balls created a mirage.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

So it's been raining a lot and the crew is just done. They're over it. And he noted in his log that hints of a mutiny were rising.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it sounds like there was a. Like mutiny was always on the horizon.

[Dave Anthony]

Back to England.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Terrible.

[Dave Anthony]

So for the company, profitable again. They hunted. They hunted whales and. And walruses. They got tusks and blubber.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

But he did not find a northeast passage, which was the whole point of the journey. So back in England, Henry made a new journey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What did he just. Was there anything that came of this one, this journey?

[Dave Anthony]

No, not really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was just kind of a hang.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

So he makes a new journey pitch, but for some reason he can't find.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Any backers because they're like, you've done nothing.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. I mean, Muscovy is getting. The company's getting. They're kind of losing interest in the Northeast passage. You're like, this isn't gonna happen. But then the French, they start showing some interest. They're like, oh, you've got a Northeast passage possibility situation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're saying that to the company. The French are saying that to who? To.

[Dave Anthony]

To Hudson.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, to Hudson.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, hey, you're a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So look, it's time for you to fail upwards because you've done nothing so far.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, they also want a shorter way to get to the East.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would love the opportunity.

[Dave Anthony]

So once the French start sniffing around, then the Dutch jump in immediately because they don't want the French to find.

A northeast route.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. So the Dutch are going to do it.

[Dave Anthony]

So they quickly make an offer to Hudson. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Can't have the French women winning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is very musky.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So naturally, this lying idiot deserves more money.

[Dave Anthony]

So naturally, Henry then joined. An Englishman joins forces with England's greatest rival, the Dutch East India Company.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. Which we've heard of.

[Dave Anthony]

So while he's negotiating with a very strict contract with the Dutch, he receives a package from his friend and the famous Jamestown settler, Captain John Smith. Yeah, they'd serve together on ships and stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So for those of you who don't remember, go back and listen to episode I think 312 for that guy.

[Dave Anthony]

Smith said a passage to the west lay to the north through America.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we've already sort of tried that.

[Dave Anthony]

And he sent maps given to him by Native Americans.

And so accurate. And they are accurate because. Because the maps actually. Well, they actually have the Great Lakes in them. So it's a. It's a legitimate map for that time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Excuse me. I don't think I'm gonna listen to a bunch of Indians about what exists in this world. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go through Earth's drain in the middle of the Atlantic.

[Dave Anthony]

But even though this is a new mission, it's. It's the same orders. Find a northeast passage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. That's what they want, basically. Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

And they give them a ship, which is called the Half Moon. Not a great. It's less than ideal. It's. It's a cargo ship. It's a fine cargo ship. It's got three mass, but it's smaller, slower, and has much less sophisticated navigation system. It's just not built for a transatlantic journey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

And it definitely wasn't strong enough to survive a serious Arctic exploration.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's an interesting detail.

[Dave Anthony]

So Henry tries to get a different ship and they basically said, if you don't want want it, then good, we'll find someone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm in.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. The Dutch East India Company didn't around with investments. They made Henry move his wife and kids to Holland to be under their supervision to make sure he around. Yeah. Family collateral.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It must be like your wife. All right, darling, have a good journey. Then.

There'S one more thing. We've got a wall move to Holland and. Yeah, part of the thinking there is that he'll be under permanent watch and all that.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. He was going into hole.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry, why must I move to Holland?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, you've got. The whole time I'm out on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've really enjoyed. I thought the long distance thing was pretty good for us.

[Dave Anthony]

Right. When I'm out on the ship, you've. You've got to be in a hole. Right in the hole. You know what I mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just to be clear.

We will have swords above the hole in case you don't make it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then we'll cut your wife's head off.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You what.

[Dave Anthony]

Sweetie?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the children will be tossed in.

[Dave Anthony]

The hole as well, love. All right. It's not time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll fill the hole with your family.

[Dave Anthony]

Your. Your Dutch accent is throwing off whatever this accent is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry, did I hurt your accent skills?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I was. I was listening to some old episodes because there was a whole thread on Reddit about how we aren't fun, and I realized.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who said that? Reddit.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, people on Reddit. And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I realized you should block yourself from the dollop. Reddit.

[Dave Anthony]

And I realized that we. We used to. I used to do accents. We used to have more fun. And the reason that we stopped doing this, because people were giving a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it was really the. It was the Irish one for sure. Irish accents. People got upset.

[Dave Anthony]

I. I stopped. Like, people like, Dave doesn't laugh as much anymore. Yeah. Because you guys all made fun of my laughing. Like, people give me telling me not to laugh and that my laugh's terrible. Like, shut up. So I realized, like, one of the reasons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you have two options.

[Dave Anthony]

One of the reasons that we have. We have reeled it in a little bit is because I've not stopped anything. You have, have I? Yeah, there were times when you stop shit. Yeah. Well, stop the Irish accent for a couple of years. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I did take a break. I took a knee.

[Dave Anthony]

But there's stuff we've talked about that you don't do anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I remember when we first Started. I. I was. I wasn't like, you know, being a. An alt.

[Dave Anthony]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Comic book. But I said the R word a few times.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you're like, you can't say that anymore. I. And I was. I wasn't. I got it out of my vernacular, but turns out I was just ahead of the curve.

I should have kept it in. That was. God, that was working for me.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Anyway, so whatever. I'll do. The accents will be terrible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's not like your accents were great back then.

[Dave Anthony]

No, they're bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They were always bad. Yeah. And I mean, good thing we don't have Italian listeners.

[Dave Anthony]

It's funny because I can do them when I'm not here. Much better. But when I'm in this thing, I. I get thrown off by. You know what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the same with my penis and sex. When I'm not around having it, it's 8 inches.

[Dave Anthony]

When you're not around having your penis sex.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. When I'm not. When I was that time for sex, my penis is like a 10 inch penis.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then when I'm having sex, it's like two.

[Dave Anthony]

So you gay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, your accent. Love when there's someone around to see it. It's not what it is.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you get it?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Go on now with this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I have a billion dollars, but when it's time to pay, my card gets declined.

[Dave Anthony]

The Dutch East Indian company does not around. So they make him lose family to Holland under the supervision to make sure that he's a good boy. So they're hostage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

And then they're. And this, this is like you're going on the northeast path. You're finding the northeast path. That's what that's about. You are finding the northeast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pass like parcels is your coast coach.

[Dave Anthony]

They learned what Henry tried to pull the last time by almost bolting to North America. And they amended in the contract just before he disembarks to say that he could not try to find another route or go through any other place except the intended area.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Russia probably. So, like, yeah, don't want to do it anymore.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not what I want. All the funds got and nothing else. No other routes? No western.

So the crew includes English and Dutch sailors who speak different languages so they can't understand each other. Also totally different outlooks on life. They just don't. They don't trust each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a slight advantage to that. Maybe because maybe the more they talk, they're just like, no, the Best way to eat is with your hands. Like, just like dumb ass arguments instead of like, I act. I don't follow yours.

[Dave Anthony]

Act what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's he trying to say?

[Dave Anthony]

The Dutch sailors were generally less experienced. In Jewett's very first encounter with the Dutch sailors, he looked at them and said, quote, I hope these square faced men know the sea. Looking at their fat bellies, I fear they think more highly of eating than of sailing. They are an ugly lot, but they can't understand him, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know, but still, it's like if you're like, in charge, like, all right, can we. Can we have a. Can we open the mind a little bit more, please?

[Dave Anthony]

Yet again, Henry chose to ignore this brewing discontent and plotted the exact same route he used last voyage. But this time, when he hit a solid wall of ice, he turned around and once again sailed toward North America.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why? Why is he. Why. Why is he doing it?

[Dave Anthony]

Because he wants to go west. He just clearly wants to go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This compulsion to go west.

[Dave Anthony]

He just wants to go west.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like an actor.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I guess he's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He just. So no matter what, he's dying for a reason to turn around.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he like the. I remember I was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Family's gonna get killed.

[Dave Anthony]

I remember I was in a sketch group with a guy and we were having like a rehearsal thing and he doesn't show up. And we're like, george, what happened? And he goes, there was this. I was driving and there was this garbage bag in the road. And then I just went home. And we were like, what? But that's what this sounds like. He just sees one thing of ice and he's like, let's go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotta go back. I'm sorry.

[Dave Anthony]

Waiting for a reason not to go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you know what it is? It does remind me of like, you know, if you don't want to do something and any small thing happens, you're like, hey, my computer crashed. I gotta go to the geek squad. Yeah, any reason to bail on plants? He sees a fish and he's like, ah, bloody hell, turn around. We've got no North America again west.

So.

[Dave Anthony]

A small revolt actually happens. Like, this time they actually try to do something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, someone was probably like, by the way, keep an eye on him. Because I've been on two of his journeys Western. And he u. Turns without telling.

[Dave Anthony]

He said non stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's just like, anything slides off the table. You're like, excuse me.

[Dave Anthony]

He never stops.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are we doing?

[Dave Anthony]

He's going backwards again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nothing. Just. I forgot my hat again. He's turning Around?

[Dave Anthony]

No, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I saw a beautiful mermaid. I thought we could all shag her.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, just a bit further west.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, gosh. I'm watching. As she swam to North America.

[Dave Anthony]

That's a. Both sides. Fished one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, yes. This is one of the top to bottom mermaids. Got the fish head and the gills and legs. She's got the tail.

[Dave Anthony]

So to calm them down, he gives the crew a choice. He gives them the choice whether or not to go to North America. But he's like, you can go through this icy cold water, nightmarishly cold water, or warm over here. It's warm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, look, it's up to you lot. We can either die in that water over there, or we can go to the Bahamas.

On an all expenses paid, seven day, same night vacation. All you can eat buffets everywhere in a water slide park. That's unmatched.

[Dave Anthony]

And spritzers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And lots of spritzers. And boy, talk about lemonade. My head.

[Dave Anthony]

He also says he has John Smith's maps. So they obviously just choose the warmer water. They're like, yeah, we'll go where it's warm on the way. Apparently, just for fun, they tried to chase down a ship in order to plunder it, but the half moon was too slow, so it just got away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a bummer.

[Dave Anthony]

So they make it to Nova Scotia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

And they start traveling down the coast, landing in Maine on July 14th. And along the way, they stopped in indigenous camps and traded things like knives and beads for food and tobacco.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Did you like a bead?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I mean, honestly, for tobacco?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Jewett described the natives as friendly and welcoming, but he definitely did not trust them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

And the main reason he doesn't trust them is not just racism. It was also because of another sailor superstition. A wave of irrational fear rocked the clue the crew when the ship's cat started running across the ship, stopping to look overboard and then sprinting back to the other side where it would then stop, look around for a second, and then rocket back to the other side, back and forth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Zoomies.

[Dave Anthony]

The cat has zoomies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So if the cat has zoomies, then you're like, it turns out these natives are devils because the cat has zoomies.

[Dave Anthony]

Cat's having fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would love to make my life predictions based on when my cat has zoomies. We gotta get out of here. The cat ran around a bunch.

[Dave Anthony]

So this is considered a bad eye, man. It goes on for five minutes. So some serious zoomies and the crew interpreted the cat having the zoomies to Mean that the locals were planning an attack on the ship.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so funny for the cat to just be like, I have to poop. They're like, oh, my God. We need to strike at night.

[Dave Anthony]

Of course, it was the natives who shouldn't have trusted the whites.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Henry's men engaged in theft, looting, and kidnapping. And Jewett explained why, quote and Drave. Drove is supposed to be drove. And drave the salve savages from their houses and took. Took the spoil of them and they would have done us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he's saying we defensively struck. It's Venezuela.

[Dave Anthony]

We killed. It's. Yeah, it's. It's the classic thing we say when someone's going to attack us. So we gotta kill them first. Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it's time for us to just let him attack once. Just so we're keeping ourselves, like, let me just see one attack. Just so I'm for sure that you're right on this.

[Dave Anthony]

And the crew even brought native people, though, so they kidnapped some people and brought them back to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you gotta be safe.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, look at this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Just to be safe, we're gonna make some slaves.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, check out this human I found.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is great.

[Dave Anthony]

So they come across the funniest part.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of our studio is the vacuum.

[Dave Anthony]

I might have bought that, actually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that's fun.

[Dave Anthony]

I thought it would be used, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

They came across a small river that opened up into a wide sea. And Henry sent a scout party to check it out. But because they had already created reputation for themselves as plundering kidnappers, a band of natives attacked them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Aha. Yes. This is what I was talking about.

See, they cannot be trusted. Disgusting savages. A lot of them.

[Dave Anthony]

They killed one and stranded two who couldn't anchor because the current was so strong. So two guys got, you know, swept away. Of course, the journal that logged the events conveniently leaves out what the white dudes may have done to agitate the natives. For example, like setting them on fire and stealing their stuff. Things of that nature.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't stop thinking about how much better this would have gone if Hegseth was running it.

[Dave Anthony]

Thank you.

Robert J. Then led a raiding party of six men who snuck into the village and stole their biggest boat.

After a dozen men with muskets and swivel guns, which are like smaller cannons, descended on the village and drove everyone there away. There's no record of just how many people they killed. And then they loaded the village for pretty much any valuable thing they could find.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so, look, I. We've Crapped on the. You know, the white people and the genociding and all that a lot in this country. But maybe it's time that we actually just start talking about how awesome it would be to just take all this established stuff from, you know, a savvier group of people and how great that would be. Oh, I mean, we never talk about how awesome robbery could be if you're the robber.

[Dave Anthony]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You take the morality out of it. This is. Kick ass.

[Dave Anthony]

Kick ass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kick ass.

[Dave Anthony]

So Henry is actually pissed because he's not as bloodthirsty as the crew. But considering all the close mutinies, instead of punishing them for their violence toward the natives, he decided to sail south in the dead of night before the indigenous people could mount a counterattack.

So they head all the way down to Delaware.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, sorry. I'm gonna be sick.

[Dave Anthony]

Where they traded with the villagers, then attacked and looted them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Because. So they trade, then loot.

[Dave Anthony]

Because if they were afraid, if they didn't do it, the natives would attack them first.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

You get it. You get it, Dave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You get it, Dave. We've got to do this. Yes. Otherwise everyone's going to be coming for us.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So anywhere that has oil, we will invade to protect ourselves.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes. Yes.

Henry made it only nine miles into the Delaware Bay before being.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've ever made it into Delaware before.

[Dave Anthony]

Being knocked back by treacherous shoals. And despite not being close to land, declares that this will not take them to the Pacific. No real evidence. He just. It's a vibe. He has a vibe that he's feeling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's trying to get to the Pacific.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. I mean, I know he's going west.

[Dave Anthony]

But he thinks there's a passage through North America into the Pacific, and I. I think that might be true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, yeah, but it seems like he's. Does he have any idea how far he's got to go?

[Dave Anthony]

No, he. No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. So he's.

[Dave Anthony]

No concept.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's in Delaware. He's like. I think it's around the bend.

[Dave Anthony]

So they turn around. All the while, he keeps accidentally settling New York City, mapping Staten and Coney Islands. He's not the first to find the river there that would soon have his own name. I was gonna say he was the first to sail on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

So the guy. What's it? Vincenzo Venzano Bridge. I don't know what the bridge is to go to Style island, but that guy had already been there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

The guy that. That bridge is named after. On September 4, he met his first Montauk natives who gave him his first taste of corn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, man.

[Dave Anthony]

Which he then called Turkish Wheat.

I mean, just. Why not Turkish Wheat? Why wouldn't you. It's got absolutely nothing to do with what it is. That's just crazy. That's just insane. It's insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We call it corn.

It's Turkish Wheat. What?

[Dave Anthony]

It's maize.

Maze. It's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is.

The new name of. This is Turkish Wheat.

[Dave Anthony]

Wait, no. We just gave you some to taste.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's really good.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And now I'd like to unveil the new name. We're redoing it for the relaunch. We're gonna relaunch your. What you call Corn Maze. Maze. No. Maize will be something when you make a bush puzzle. This will be called Turkish Wheat.

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Okay, I've got a jingle.

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, what is that? It's neat. That's why it's called Turkish Wheat. All right, white guys.

[Dave Anthony]

God damn it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Brought to you by whitey.

[Dave Anthony]

The Montauks displayed their intentions of peace by performing a ritual where they snapped their arrows in half and threw them in the fire.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You idiots shoot them.

[Dave Anthony]

So that's obviously. If you snapping your arrows and haven't thrown in the fire, that means we're cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but they were like. It means they don't have as many arrows.

[Dave Anthony]

Watch them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's get their tobacco and kill a few.

[Dave Anthony]

Of course, Henry's men still don't trust him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

But this time, Hudson was able to convince them not to make another preemptive strike. And it worked for. For. For two days.

No one actually knows what happened, but a sailor named Coleman got into it with some natives and ended up with an arrow to the throat. So he must have been a dick.

That guy was a dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just would love to live in the world where the Native Americans had the guns and the whites had the arrows.

[Dave Anthony]

And. And honestly, immunity to like. Like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Dave Anthony]

The viruses that we brought over. Henry's crew took revenge by kidnapping two locals who came aboard the ship to trade and held them prisoner. Wait, okay, so the Montauk are a bunch of different tribes?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. Yeah. So not.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's a bunch of different people, so they probably didn't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They were like, hey, what's up, man?

[Dave Anthony]

Or the Montauk Nation. Whatever. It's all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And they were like, cool. So would you like any Turkish wheat? That's called corn.

Put them in the poop deck.

[Dave Anthony]

So they're holding those guys prisoner, but when the ship got close to land, the two local dudes made their escape by jumping overboard and swimming ashore. And then mermaids. Once they got there, they made faces and hooted at the ship, taunting the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, that's.

[Dave Anthony]

Is that a mermaid?

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're all mermaids.

[Dave Anthony]

By the end of his journey, the Half Moon had covered over 150 miles of what would later be known as the Hudson River.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Which is now a, for those of you who don't know, is a beautiful river.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, sexy. Henry journaled of the fertile nature of the land, the diversity, wildlife, the great thick forests, and the kindness of the local natives. These journals would become incredibly important tools to convince the Dutch to colonize this basically perfect land.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yay.

[Dave Anthony]

And that's the end of part one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah, there's more parts.

[Dave Anthony]

You little stinker.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's more parts?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, there's another part. Part two.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa.

[Dave Anthony]

It gets hot and sexy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, let's. Should we talk about what we're thinking?

[Dave Anthony]

What are we thinking?

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The episodes over. Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember, of the rube, you can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the rube. It. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube.