713 - HenryHudson - part two

Summary

The Dollop Episode 713: Henry Hudson – Part Two

Released: December 16, 2025
Hosts: Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds

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Episode Overview

In this comedic deep-dive, Dave and Gareth continue their exploration of the life and misadventures of the infamous explorer Henry Hudson. Part Two picks up as Hudson sails into what is now the Hudson River, blending fact, legend, and the hosts’ pointed humor. Through historical records and folklore, the episode skewers Hudson’s disastrous leadership, colonial violence, and the myths spun around his legacy—all while spotlighting the absurdity of history’s “winners.” The tone is sharp, self-aware, and at times (intentionally) absurd, trading off between deadpan and satire.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Catskill Gnome Legend and Hudson’s Arrival

• Timestamp: 02:15–14:34
  • Dave opens with Hudson’s 1609 arrival in New York Harbor and shares a Native American legend claiming that gnomes inhabited the Catskill Mountains.
  • The tale: At night, Hudson and his men follow mysterious music ashore and encounter dancing, metal-working gnomes who draw them into a night of drinking and bowling.
  • The comic riff centers around the gnomes’ potent liquor, which transforms the crew into gnome-like creatures for the night:

    “Their heads had swollen to twice the normal size, and their eyes were small and pig like, and their bodies had shortened…” — Dave [10:01]

  • Hosts lampoon justice for gnomes, the transformation, and whether they would personally want to “get gnomed.”

    “I would be like, hey, what do you guys say we get tiny today?” — Gareth [11:26]

  • They riff on the recurring legend that every 20 years, Hudson returns to bowl with the gnomes, imagining how news coverage might handle the event.

2. Back to Historical Reality: Violence and the Native Encounter

• Timestamp: 16:41–18:48
  • The narrative pivots sharply: A local thief steals from Robert Jewett (one of Hudson’s men), prompting Jewett to shoot and kill the man, followed by the ship’s cook killing a native.
  • This violence instigates a serious confrontation as native Montauks pursue the Half Moon with over a hundred men, but the outgunned canoes are devastated by European firepower.
  • The hosts directly address the recurring theme of colonial atrocities, acknowledging the “bad timeline” that history rode:

    “It would be fantastic to live on the timeline where... It’s always the Bad timeline.” — Gareth [18:49]

3. Hudson’s Dubious Navigation and Questionable Decisions

• Timestamp: 19:18–27:32
  • After failing to find a Westward passage, Hudson heads back—contradicting his contract with the Dutch.
  • There’s speculation (and host mockery) regarding whether Hudson was a spy for England or simply incompetent/negligent.
  • The hosts joke that perhaps Hudson just didn’t want to return to his wife—or felt trapped by the Dutch or English authorities.
  • The Dutch, angry at his detour, hold Hudson’s wife and child as leverage. His correspondence becomes a bizarre game of international chicken.

4. The Fourth Voyage and Dysfunctional Crew

• Timestamp: 27:32–39:26
  • Hudson is eventually released from house arrest and is bankrolled for a fourth voyage to explore the “Northwest Passage.”
  • His new ship is laughably tiny, with 23 men crammed aboard—many sleeping on the freezing deck.
  • Jewett is back as first mate “for the spark,” plus a malicious new crewmaster, Henry Green—a self-sabotaging choice.
  • Dysfunction quickly engulfs the crew, with Green brawling with the beloved ship’s barber-surgeon and everyone suspecting spies.

5. Endless Ice, Mutiny, and Leadership Breakdown

• Timestamp: 31:32–36:44
  • The journey through Hudson Strait (ominously dubbed “the Furious Overfall”) becomes a deadly farce:

    “It’s a nightmare... But they don’t know where they’re going.” — Dave [34:43]

  • Months of fruitless icy wandering breed deep fractures. Jewett uncovers Green as Hudson’s spy and is tried for mutiny, but Hudson has little authority and eventually pardons all involved, just to preserve manpower.

6. Catastrophic Winter: Starvation, Death, and Petty Feuds

• Timestamp: 52:06–66:44
  • The crew is trapped in Arctic winter, forced to build makeshift shelters and hunt for survival as men die of cold and exposure.
  • Petty grievances reign: Hudson gives the coat of a dead man directly to Green, sparking outrage. When Green befriends the carpenter, Hudson jealously reclaims the coat in a sitcom-worthy episode.
  • Starvation grows dire—food dwindles to “frogs and moss,” and when a native attempts to help, Hudson is so insulting that no further help comes.
  • The hosts riff relentlessly on the miseries of eating moss and frozen frogs, and on Hudson’s inability to lead or show gratitude.

7. The Final Mutiny and Abandonment of Hudson

• Timestamp: 76:52–79:16
  • When the ice thaws, the crew demands to return home, but Hudson dithers, possibly searching for imagined treasure.
  • On June 22nd, the men mutiny, marooning Hudson, his son, and their loyalists in a small boat with scant or (in some accounts) no supplies.
  • The hosts sarcastically narrate the transfer of “supplies,” casting doubt that any mercy was offered.

8. Aftermath: The Mutineers’ Fate and Hudson’s Legacy

• Timestamp: 80:03–88:51
  • Under Green’s “command,” the mutineers fare little better. Most, including Green and Jewett, die by starvation or are killed by Inuits after a bungled trade.
  • Only eight men survive, limping back to England on a diet of “bird bones fried in candle grease.” They’re charged with mutiny but are ultimately acquitted after seven years, due to possessing valuable colonial intelligence.
  • Meanwhile, Hudson’s wife, destitute, doggedly pursues compensation, ultimately securing enough funds to launch a successful trading venture to India—becoming wealthy herself despite the patriarchal system.
  • The episode closes by reflecting on Hudson’s posthumous fame and the irony that so much of North America is named for a man characterized here as a “halfwit douchebag.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• The Gnome Legend:

  “Wouldn’t that be amazing, though, if you could turn into a gnome?” — Dave [08:59] “You'd be able to tell how drunk your friend is by how small he is.” — Gareth [11:32]

• On Colonial Violence:

  “It would be fantastic to live on the timeline where... It’s always the Bad timeline. We just always killed all of them.” — Gareth [18:49]

• Hudson’s Leadership:

  “He obviously didn’t care about his wife and kid, or he would have gone West.” — Dave [24:33]

• On Starvation and Petty Feuds:

  “All they could find to eat were frogs and moss, which is actually a nice salad.” — Dave [66:55] “Would you care for some frogs and moss?” — Gareth [67:01] “He [Hudson] gave the coat to Green... which is cool. No, awesome. It’s like a thrift shop.” — Dave [57:40, 57:53]

• The Final Mutiny:

  “They forced Henry and the other prisoners onto a small boat... some versions have them putting Henry in the small boat with no supplies and just telling them to fuck off.” — Dave [77:30]

• Hudson’s Historical Impact:

  “It's insane how much of our things are named after... a halfwit douchebag.” — Dave [90:01] “History is written down by the winners... but this guy is a fucking loser.” — Gareth [90:12]

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Important Timestamps

• Gnome legend/the party: 02:15–14:34
• Colonial violence/Native encounter: 16:41–18:48
• Mutiny and trial at sea: 31:32–39:26
• Arctic catastrophe/starvation: 52:06–66:44
• Petty crew grudges (the coat): 63:00–65:35
• Frogs and moss for dinner: 66:57–67:38
• Final mutiny and marooning: 76:52–79:16
• Hudson’s wife’s revenge/triumph: 84:00–85:13
• Reflection on memorializing losers: 88:04–90:12

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Structure & Tone

• The discussion is irreverent, bouncing between historical exposition, comic riffing, and modern day analogies.
• Hosts mock maritime leadership as a high school popularity contest, unravel gnome lore with straight-faced absurdity, and treat historic facts with comedic skepticism.

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Closing Thoughts

This episode of The Dollop serves as a comedic yet pointed indictment of both the myth-making around American colonizers and the mechanics of historical memory. Hudson is lampooned as a bungling egotist whose failures set into motion consequences—good, ill, and ridiculous—for centuries. The show drives home how history routinely immortalizes the wrong people, and does so with the kind of sharp wit and improvisational banter that makes The Dollop a mainstay for fans of history and comedy.

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Transcript

[A]

You're listening to the Dollop. This is an American history podcast. For each week, I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to a.

[B]

Goober, Gareth Reynolds, who doesn't use stupid terms. And no idea what the topic is.

[A]

Going to be about these stupid terms constantly.

[B]

No. Name 551. Name 51 right now.

[A]

You like this stupid terms guy?

[B]

Like what? I'm hip, dude.

[A]

I'm merging words. Merging words. Reynolds.

[B]

Oh, Portmanteaus. Excuse me. Pardon me.

[A]

Yeah, let's just get into it. This is.

[B]

Well, do you want to. How you been? I haven't talked to you.

[A]

We've been here the entire time doing episodes. This is our 17th episode today.

[B]

Why don't we. Let's do Join our Patreon. We're having a lot of fun. I will say, I go on the road. There's a lot of people who like the Patreon more than the pot. They like the podcast. But a lot of people like Patreon's the best. This woman came up to Luke the other night and she was like, oh, my God, your Patreon stuff.

[A]

Luke's. Luke's Patreon.

[B]

Yeah. We should point out that Luke is doing.

[A]

We gave him. We gave him a day.

[B]

We gave him Tuesdays, and it's really upsetting. I've been a major mistake.

[A]

Yeah, we're gonna get arrested.

[B]

It's crazy what he's doing there. And he's very into it and he's very proud of it.

[A]

He did a song.

[B]

Did you see the last thing he did?

[A]

No, I didn't get a chance to look at it.

[B]

But you didn't see any of it.

[A]

No. The animated thing.

[B]

Yeah. No, he did a back and forth with the two. It's called Brain Worms and it's two worms inside RFK Junior's head.

[A]

Sure. It makes sense.

[B]

And he was showing it to me, and I. I was just like. Because we've been. We were on the road for a week, and I'm just like, is this what's been happening in the passenger seat the whole time?

[A]

Oh, no. Whatever's going on in his mind is just beyond.

[B]

Talk about brain worms.

[A]

Yeah, he has.

[B]

He probably has an RFK Junior in his brain.

[A]

Yeah, he definitely has. There's some things in his brain that people shouldn't really.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Anyway, that's Tuesdays.

[B]

Anyway, that's two Tuesdays on the Patreon. The doll Patreon.

[A]

So now back to Henry Hanson.

[B]

Also, we're going on Tour. March Doll Podcast.com.

[A]

Part 2. 9-3-16 oh, 9. That was the day that Henry Hudson and his crew sailed the New York into New York harbor and headed up what is now called the Hudson River. So Native American legend says that gnomes live in.

[B]

By the way, I'm already on board.

[A]

Live in the Catskill Mountains.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And one tale says at night. At night when the ship was anchored.

[B]

I'm very ready.

[A]

At the base of the mountains there. At about midnight, Henry and his crew started to hear strange music.

[B]

Gnome jams.

[A]

So Henry put together a party of men to go shore and investigate the music. As you do.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

When you hear a band.

[B]

Well, without quite.

[A]

This is. As long as it's not a jam band. If it's a jam band. If it's some oyster head, then you.

[B]

Don'T go oyster hit.

[A]

Oyster head.

[B]

Oyster head.

[A]

That is a jam band.

[B]

Is that a term?

[A]

That is when the police broke up. The drummer.

[B]

Oh, the police. The band. Jesus Christ. This got confusing.

[A]

Police absolutely did not break up.

[B]

That must have been really confusing back in the day if like the police showed up to do a gig very hard. The police are here, Ron. No, the band that we like.

[A]

No, it's good.

[B]

Oh, they're playing too loud. The police are here. Yeah, they're on stage. No, like the cops.

[A]

Oh. So the drummer, everyone. Because everyone was like, oh, what are they going to do? Like, they'll do their solo projects. It'll be cool.

[B]

Like, you know.

[A]

And then he joined a jam band and everyone was very sad, right? Because that's like losing someone. That's like a death in the family. I mean, a jam band. They. If I'm president, they will be illegal.

[B]

I think you're going to find that Trump will get there.

[A]

I think that. I think there should be reeducation camps and I think it should be for people in jam bands.

[B]

No songs will be over five minutes.

[A]

So he sends a party to investigate and they follow the music up the mountains where, quote, to their astonishment, tell me, gnomes, a group of pygmies with bushy beards and eyes like pigs, were dancing and singing and capering about in the firelight. Hudson realized these creatures were the metal working gnomes of which the natives have spoken.

[B]

All right, so what, this is you. You talk to me now?

[A]

Because this is not.

[B]

This show is normally grounded in reality. What's happening?

[A]

This is not. This is not Henry's tale. This is the Native American legend of what happened there.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Because as we know, the Native Americans believe that there are gnomes and then them there are hills.

[B]

Party gnomes and night gnomes.

[A]

You can't have. You can't have like night gnomes. Native Americans talking about night gnomes and at the same time Tolkien writing about mountain gnomes. They're real.

[B]

Pardon?

[A]

They're. This is.

[B]

Are we on our Patreon Tuesday night.

[A]

This is a sign that these, these were real.

[B]

You believe that the two party. Yeah.

[A]

Just saying.

[B]

They probably were real. By the way. If they were real, we would have just eaten all of them.

[A]

Well if you're.

[B]

If you're delicious. No meat.

[A]

If you're a. If you're a tribe and you're unfortunately really short, you're probably going to lose. Yeah. It's some battles.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then I'll be around long.

[B]

All right, let's go.

[A]

We're still going on with the tale. One of the bushy bearded chaps spotted the explorer and his men and welcomed them with a cheer.

[B]

All right boys, saddle up. Would you like some of our small ale?

[A]

The short men surrounded the crew and drew them into the firelight and the dance.

[B]

Here we are. 1, 2, 3, go. Yay. We represent.

[A]

Hudson and his men were delighted by these strange small creatures. And with the hard liquor these gnomes had brewed.

[B]

Okay. This is right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Booze these gnomes made. These gnomes made some 151.

[A]

Yeah. So this is a, this is a party.

[B]

Some moonshine.

[A]

They may have come across a tribe in the Catskills and then they got shit faced.

[B]

But this is how you know it's fake. Because they would have 100 killed them all.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And like. Or taken a couple captive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Long into the night the men drank and played nine pin.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Which we've covered. Bowling, which the. The Dutch had. Yeah, yeah. With the gnomes. While Henry Hudson sipped at a single glass of spirits and spoke with the chief of the gnomes about many deep and mysterious things.

[B]

You know, we've seen many moons over here. This has not been easy for us at all. Thank you for coming to our village. So what would you say is your number one lesson? It's really difficult to be this small and that's been quite hard for us to be honest with you.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Now it's pretty hard. We're tidy, we're very little.

[A]

And how far can we go here?

[B]

I think we're already dangerously over the line. But they're gnomes.

[A]

They're gnomes. I know they're gnomes, but people still get upset.

[B]

Well that's the pygmy part.

[A]

They're. Yeah, but they're they're not real people. They're mythical people.

[B]

Right, but look, we've been very clear. We're trying to be allies as often as possible. But every now and then in the chess match of being respectful versus comedy, comedy takes the queen. Sometimes a little bit.

[A]

Realizing how late it was, Hudson looked around for his men. At first, he.

[B]

We love to.

[A]

At first he couldn't locate them. All he saw were large groups of gnomes laughing and joking while they sprawled around the fire.

[B]

Oh, so we've killed your men.

[A]

Then, to his astonishment, he recognized several of the gnomes as his crewmen.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It spreads. It's infectious.

[B]

It's going. Tiny's airborne.

[A]

It's infectious gnome virus.

[B]

You've got gnome fumes.

[A]

Wouldn't that be amazing, though, if this is a thing that could happen? Oh, you could turn into a gnome.

[B]

You better believe I would be like.

[A]

Wait, you'd want to be a gnome?

[B]

I think I would. Really? I'm thinking about it, and yes, I'm.

[A]

Absolutely not wanting to be a gnome.

[B]

Of course you're not. You're.

[A]

They would 100 turn the gnomes into slaves, Buddy, You're.

[B]

You're like, I can go into a tree and be like. You'd be like, where's he gone?

[A]

Garden elves don't climb trees.

[B]

No, in the tree. I have got a little home in there where we make cookies. Hello.

[A]

Why wouldn't they just cut down the tree and pull you out?

[B]

Oh, no, I didn't think about that.

[A]

Not like you can go in the tree and disappear.

[B]

Hey, knock it off.

[A]

No.

[B]

Did you know that one of them shot their puppy in the back of the head?

[A]

Jesus Christ. Yeah, well, the gnomes have gone really bad.

[B]

Yeah, gnomes have had a bad couple years.

[A]

So the crew.

[B]

Did you see what. Oh, it. I.

[A]

So the crewman have undergone a transformation. Their heads had swollen to twice the normal size, and their eyes were small and pig like, and their bodies had shortened until they were only a little taller than the gnomes themselves.

[B]

So their heads are bigger?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And their bodies are smaller?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So they're just kind of. They've got balloon heads.

[A]

So Hudson is.

[B]

That'd be great if they didn't notice. Hey, boss, tell you what, these spirits are predator God.

[A]

Hudson is alarmed and asked the chief of the gnomes for an explanation.

[B]

We're killing you.

[A]

What's going on here?

[B]

Well, we've made a lot of you quite tiny and you've got big heads because we want to dominate you.

[A]

It was the chief told Hudson the effect of the magical hard liquor the gnomes brood.

[B]

We call it fireball.

[A]

So it is. It gets you, shitface, to the point where you transform.

[B]

Am I the only one who feels like we drank so much last night that our bodies are small and our heads have doubled?

[A]

Yeah, this is good.

[B]

Yeah. It's like sitting at the bar.

[A]

I'm so.

[B]

And we have one more. No, I can't serve you anymore, man. Why not? Your head's too big and your body shrank. Oh, come on.

[A]

It would wear off when the liquor did.

[B]

That's the. You're telling me you wouldn't drink this?

[A]

I might drink it.

[B]

I would be like, hey, what do you guys say we get tiny today?

[A]

I would. I would 100% go out to be.

[B]

Able to tell how drunk your friend is by how small he is.

[A]

If I got gnomed when I drank at night.

[B]

Over.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

You've been drinking. Any gnome juice? No, officer. I mean, I had two, but I'm fine to drive. Get out of the car, sir. That's gonna be hard. My head's so heavy.

[A]

A buddy. Did you have that beard and that little party hat before you went out? This?

[B]

Oh, yeah. I'm a gnome.

[A]

Always have been. You're always a gnome?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Let me see your driver's license. So I check it.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

This says human.

[B]

Well, I used to be a human and then I joined gnomes, but I've only had a little bit.

[A]

Have you been out gnome in tonight?

[B]

No, I'm just on my way. Gnome.

[A]

All right. I would say walk that line, but.

[B]

That'S not going to be doable. I'll be dragging my head. Yeah, we got a couple guys. They're gnomed out. They're. We're pretty sure they're gnomes.

[A]

Send us. Send a log over.

[B]

Jesus, Harry. Yeah, we got two gnomes down. Two gnomes are down.

[A]

So Hudson wasn't sure if he could believe the. The little man, the chief. And he was worried about what would happen to him and his crewmen if they lingered in such company. Basically, the chief. Sorry I left this out. It would. It would wear off when the liquor did.

[B]

You said that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I did say it. Okay. So Hudson hurriedly took leave of the gnomes and hustled his severely drunken crewman back to the Half Moon.

[B]

They were really good guys.

[A]

They. The entire crew slept late into the morning as if they were under the spell of a sleeping potion. And when they awakened drunk, the crewman who had accompanied Hudson up to the Catskill Mountains, aside from a Ferocious headache were back to normal.

[B]

So it was true. It was just kind of a. It was just the gnome sauce.

[A]

They got gnomed.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, I love it. I would completely drink that.

[A]

So that's a legend. But that.

[B]

It's like if Willy Wonka, like, created booze, which, by the way, is a dream.

[A]

Yeah. So legend has it that every 20 years, Henry's ghost returns to the Catskills to play nine pin bowling with the gnomes. And his next visit is scheduled to be in 2029.

[B]

So far away. We're not gonna make it till now. I wonder if anything goes on, then.

[A]

I would be amazing if. Yeah, I wonder, too. I want to be amazing if they. If they, you know, the news covered it like they do. Like Haley's comment.

[B]

Yeah, they say he's returning to get canned with gnomes. Every 20 years, Henry Hudson comes back up to this specific spot in the Catskills and gets hammered with a bunch of smurfs. We're not Smurfs. Shut up.

[A]

We're noms.

[B]

I talked to one little guy who was the worst.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

So how often does Henry come up here? We hear every 20 years.

[A]

He comes up whenever he wants to party.

[B]

You seem very acerbic. Is there a reason you're so negative?

[A]

I'm so tired of this where you come out here and you point the cameras at us, and then you go, we're just living here in poverty.

[B]

They were real huge jerks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Have you get out from behind the frame.

[A]

You use us.

[B]

Okay. All right, hold on, guys.

[A]

Take their mic stories, and then you.

[B]

Get the out of here.

[A]

We're just stuck here.

[B]

Run him over with the news van.

[A]

Our factory closed.

[B]

What did you make?

[A]

We made beer and liquor and stuff.

[B]

Yeah. All right.

[A]

And hats.

[B]

Yeah, nobody needs that.

[A]

And beards and beards. Yeah, fake beards and these little red pants.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. You made costumes to be.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Three, two, one. Nancy, I was up here for a while, and I despise the gnomes.

[A]

Yeah. I'm gonna eat your thigh.

[B]

Let me throw back to the studio.

[A]

I'm gonna eat your thigh, you son.

[B]

You're not gonna be able to do you. You.

[A]

We got guns.

[B]

What? We have. I have guns here. Maced a little guy.

[A]

You have guns. I. You son of a. All right.

[B]

Three, two, one.

[A]

What the.

[B]

So, Nancy, a lot of these gnomes are being real.

[A]

Eat my ass, you white son of a.

[B]

We'll do the. Let's. Let's go down the hill and we'll do the. We'll do the bumps down there. Those are crazy.

[A]

Last thing have to.

[B]

We drove off. They would have every reason to be furious.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Yeah. They felt crisis to the oxy. You guys left us with a bunch of pills for injuries we didn't really have. Opiates have wiped out the gnome culture.

[A]

So. So they. So who knows if that Catskill thing happened. But it's very funny that Native Americans have such a great story.

[B]

It's just a crazy way to. Like. It would be. I mean, it's nice that, like, they're. I mean, considering what we did.

[A]

Yeah, their story is pretty nice.

[B]

Yeah. It's kind of like a nice. It's like a fluff piece.

[A]

Yeah. So as the ship is heading back, a. A local thief stole some clothes and a pillow from Robert Jewett.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't know. Maybe on the ship, maybe off the ship. I don't know. It's a weird thing to.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

So Jewett's pissed, and he grabs his gun and he shot the man twice, killing him instantly.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

Hearing the shots, the cook freaked out and gave the nearest native a hatchet between the eyes.

[B]

Right. By the way, that's what you do.

[A]

You know.

[B]

That guy could have chilled out a little bit more, I guess. He heard two gunshots, and then he threw a hatchet into a guy's head.

[A]

Well, if you hear a gunshot, you grab the nearest hatchet and just put it in the guy's eyes.

[B]

I took him out. Why? I heard two shots. It's safe to say I panicked.

[A]

He was just reading a book.

[B]

Yeah. He did not deserve what I did to him.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I completely freaked out. Yeah. So, yeah, nobody fire any more stuff unless you give me a heads up.

[A]

Okay. But then the problem with that is if we yell we're gonna shoot someone, then it takes away the element of surprise.

[B]

It's gonna be the better course of action.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I mean, I panicked. That guy is dead. As.

[A]

The rest of the Montauks then fled back to Manhattan, where they wrestled up a hundred more men in canoes and started chasing the Half Moon. And then a battle ensues of sorts, kind of. The Half Moon used its cannons, muskets, and swivel guns to deal crushing damage to the Montauks while a few of the crew were sort of grazed by arrows.

[B]

Okay. Why are you sad?

[A]

Just because they just slaughtered a bunch of.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, it's.

[A]

Yeah, it's all their fault.

[B]

I know. It just. I would be fantastic to live on the timeline where. I mean, it's always the Bad timeline. We're never. We're never. You know, this is the way it is, that we just always killed all of them.

[A]

Yeah. And we don't know how many they killed. Like, there's no.

[B]

Like, you didn't put that in the diary.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Dear diary, Real big genocide today. Nailed it.

[A]

So on October 4th, that's when they officially turned around and they're like, well, we can't get. We can't go across the continent. Yeah. Through the Hudson.

[B]

Where are they now? They're. They're in New York.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So they're like, yeah, it's not. I mean, but he doesn't even know how far it is to the Pacific, but he's like, yeah, this is pretty bad.

[A]

Yeah. And he. He wrote. Henry wrote that the native people are mostly friendly.

[B]

Well, yeah, from his pov, Jewett wrote.

[A]

Quote, but we does not trust them. Yeah. So.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So Henry knew. He knows he has explicitly broken his contract with the Dutch.

[B]

Yeah, I completely forgot that he.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And his family.

[A]

Well, so he's supposed to go back to England. Supposed to go back to Holland, but he goes to England instead.

[B]

So he's just kind of like. I mean, this is a great way to get it. Maybe he didn't love his wife.

[A]

Yeah. It's a good divorce situation.

[B]

Just a great way to get out of marriage. Just sort of be like, well, dear Dutch, I really partied in America. I completely ignored everything I. Sir.

[A]

It's. It's non consensual divorce.

[B]

Yeah, right. He had it. Imagine she's in the. Has his trip going. Unfortunately, it seems like he's gone to North America. What's he doing? They drank a bunch of gnome juice and some of them became gnomes. Okay, so that's sort of where that went to. Okay, so probably gonna have to kill the other kids. What? Yeah.

[A]

No. Yeah. No.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[A]

Why are you saying it like that? It's your tone that's upsetting.

[B]

I'm really buzzard that you're gonna have to go. Is that a Dutch accent that one yet? Better than what you got. So sad for you that you're gone. We're gonna have to cut off pole to your hands. Oh, then your heads are gonna go. I eat your kids.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

This is a holiday. This is how kinder started. This is how the kinder egg starts.

[A]

Your Christmas is terrifying.

[B]

This is how the kinder egg starts. Name one thing that strange.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

What?

[A]

Krampus, or whatever you call them. Yeah, so not good. It's very racist.

[B]

You don't like a parade where you get beaten.

[A]

So some think that he went to England to get out of trouble with the Dutch East Indian Company. But there are other theories that say he may have been an English spy who was using Dutch funding and Dutch maps to benefit the English Crown.

[B]

But he didn't do anything.

[A]

I don't believe that. Well, he did explore, sort of.

[B]

He like, did. He went like 50 miles.

[A]

But he didn't explore the right way. Yeah, explore the wrong way. But then that. But those people that are like, well, the only way.

[B]

I mean, he basically just went there and got hammered and then was like, we gotta get back.

[A]

But he did explore. And there people are basically saying, like, well, that's the reason he didn't do the Northeast Passage. Because he was doing what the English wanted him, which was explore North America.

[B]

And honestly, any motive would be awesome because it seems like he was just seeing a woman there or something.

[A]

It just. Yeah, he just seems like out of his.

[B]

Like he just. Leia. He said just he loves America.

[A]

Or it could have been that he was just trying to regain favor with the monarchy. The journey took seven. That was seven and a half months that they were out there.

[B]

Just not a lot happened.

[A]

Now the Muscovy Company does not. Was not going to send him on another voyage. And after Henry was hanging out with his best friend, who was a priest, who described him as, quote, sunk into the lowest depths of the humor of melancholy. So he's sad. He's sad.

[B]

He's. What's he sad about?

[A]

I don't know what, he's. Maybe his family being held hostage.

[B]

Well, yeah, there's an easy. But he. I don't think so or.

[A]

No, he's. He's under. He's under house arrest.

[B]

Oh, he is?

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

So he's sad about. Yeah, that is a bummer.

[A]

I didn't. I didn't say that yet. So he wrote to the Dutch East Indian Company and told them he was in England with their ship and their stuff, but he would happily come back to Amsterdam if they paid for a voyage through America in Northwest Passage. So he's like, I'll bring your shit. So now he's doing what they're doing. He's holding the ship hostage and all the information.

[B]

He just went to America and now he's just like, let me bring your ship back. I'll go through America.

[A]

Yeah, basically.

[B]

And they're like, stop going to America. You know what? I owe you a real apology for going through America. I'll bring it all back. Let Me, go through America and I'll get their eyes away.

[A]

The Dutch East Indian Company responded. Get back to America immediately. We have your wife and kit.

[B]

Get back to America or Amsterdam?

[A]

Amsterdam immediately.

[B]

That's his dream letter.

[A]

Go.

[B]

All right. Go to America, and then you can have your wife.

[A]

So the reason he's under house arrest is because in England, sailing under another nation's flag is treason.

[B]

He. I don't. Has he made a good decision recently?

[A]

No.

[B]

No. Yeah, because he. So he. If he went back to Holland, if he went back to Amsterdam, they would have been mad. And then. But instead, he is committing treason. So he goes back to England.

[A]

He. He obviously didn't care about his wife and kid, because if he did, he would have. He would have gone west.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Because they were like, don't go west.

[B]

No, he wouldn't have gone west. You mean.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He would have tried to go to Asia.

[A]

Right. The Dutch were like, do not go west. And he's like, gosh, have your wife and kitties.

[B]

Right.

[A]

All right, here we go.

[B]

All right, boys. We're going west.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hope my wife dies. I'll be single. Gonna be awesome.

[A]

So, Henry, the British men were on the ship, and the ship logs were seized by the English, and the Dutch sailors were sent back to Holland.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But despite the shame of flying under Dutch flag, his reputation increases after their mission. Because he did this in the British eyes, a successful tour of America, and he contacted native people, even though a lot of them died. But he. There's not a lot of people doing that at this point. Right?

[B]

Sure. So it's a low bar.

[A]

So the. The English people are like, yay, Yay. He's great. And that led to the governor of the Virginia Company and the British East India Company bankrolling a fourth voyage and forming a new company, which also included two other rich guys and Prince Henry.

[B]

Prince Henry, Yes.

[A]

And they called it the Company of Gentlemen.

[B]

Absolutely ridiculously stupid.

[A]

Completely ridiculous.

[B]

The Company of Gentlemen. We are the worst. Now, Prince Henry, future king.

[A]

I believe so.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I don't know anything about.

[B]

So they bring in a prince monarchy. Okay.

[A]

Yes. He's. He's.

[B]

And the voyage now is to what is. Just to go explore. Now he actually is getting his dream funded. What about his wife and kid?

[A]

I think that they were. I don't know. You know what? I didn't.

[B]

I would imagine that they were okay, because we probably know.

[A]

If not, they just kind of get dropped off. I'm imagining they're fine. Or else I would have read about it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But in all this, like, there's so many different things about him, and it's. It's all very, like.

[B]

So now he's going on a fourth or fifth voyage.

[A]

This is the fourth.

[B]

Fourth voyage to North America now, explicitly.

[A]

No.

[B]

No. Are they.

[A]

Well, no, you're right, because the. The governor of Virginia Company, they're now like. So that's good.

[B]

He's now, like, people into what he's doing.

[A]

Yeah. He's getting. He wants to go to America. He's getting that. Yeah. It was very hard to keep all the journeys straight, my mind.

[B]

Well, he must be very excited about this opera. This is the journey. This is what he's wanted his whole time.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So other investors jump in, they raise money, new crew, 23 people. Oh. And since the money was raised and he was going on another voyage, they just let him out of house arrest. They're like, yeah, he's.

[B]

Well, he kind of outlasted them. And the public now loves him.

[A]

Once the public loves him, you're kind of.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because when you're going to kill a guy who went and explored, like, it's what your whole thing is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. So. Yeah. There was an issue with the ship, though. The ship they were to sail on was about as big as a school bus, much smaller than any previous ship Henry had captained. And you have 23 men to live on it. And there wasn't enough room below decks for them, so a lot had to sleep through icy temperatures on the deck. Okay. So that.

[B]

I mean, why, why, why? Like, so many of these missions in general, it was just like, they. You're just like, a lot of us are gonna die. Like, they didn't, like, try super hard to make sure everyone was gonna be okay for long at all. There's always times where they're like, yes, we'll need room for pelt. So no meat or flour. What? You're gonna die.

[A]

Despite the tension between them, Henry bought Jewt back as first mate.

[B]

He's a. It's a winning combo.

[A]

Why? This is the. This is.

[B]

John and Paul wrote the best songs together.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because there's a spark, dude.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Think of all the hits. You need this. Look, look, it's not bad. It's a good combo.

[A]

They brought on a new crewmaster named Henry Green.

[B]

Hank Green.

[A]

Hank was a hothead, a gambler, and a regular rapscallion good.

[B]

That's what we need. Total degenerate pieces.

[A]

That's what should be thrown into the mix here.

[B]

Yeah. And just to be safe, we're going to throw in a real nightmare.

[A]

Green immediately got into a fistfight with the very popular ship barber slash surgeon.

[B]

The what?

[A]

What's the problem?

[B]

What do you mean what's the problem? What, the barber surgeon.

[A]

There were a lot of barber surgeons then, just like there were a lot of barber dentists.

[B]

Why not?

[A]

I would just like to say that's obviously going to come back.

[B]

Anyone could. But yes, absolutely. Anyone could cut hair. Why is that thrown in the mix?

[A]

Well, I think that you have tools.

[B]

He's been shot in the stomach. I'm gonna give him a mop top.

[A]

What about this? We take out the bullet. Yeah. And then we give him a little bit of a trim.

[B]

He's dead. I'm going to give him a kind of spiky wave.

[A]

Oh, what about a bob?

[B]

Yeah. All right, we'll give him a bob. He's dead. Well, we're just trying to figure out what would suit him now that he's gone. You didn't even bother to try to address the wound when he was shot? Ah, we were trying to figure out what hairstyle he needs.

[A]

We came up with a bob.

[B]

Yeah. What have you done?

[A]

Nothing.

[B]

Yeah. All right. So he's dead and he'll have a bob. That's a nice look.

[A]

So even without investigating, Henry backed up Green saying the surgeon had a short temper.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But the crew back the surgeon because he. Everyone likes the surgeon. So once again, he's starting out a voyage with a lot of friction and discontent before. Before they even got going yet. So Jew had starts speculating that the only reason Henry brought Green in was to spy on the crew.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And Henry was throwing idle threats at Jewett and saying he would kick him off the ship, but he never followed through. But that's not a good leadership.

[B]

Now wait, wait, wait. He's saying that Green is his. This is what Hudson thinks.

[A]

Green. No, Hudson. Hudson thinks Green is in the right.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And a good.

[B]

So people think that Hudson Jew thinks that Green is Hudson spy.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, that makes sense.

[A]

Okay. Yes. And all because everyone likes the barber who Green got on fight with the barber surgeon. So they take off and the ice becomes so thick, they're basically going zero miles an hour, just softly ping ponging between massive ice sheets. Okay. And on July 7, they made it around Greenland and there was another near mutiny as they headed through what is now called the Hudson Strait. But at that time it was called the furious overfall.

[B]

Is that. Is it dangerous? It sounds like. It sounds like something you would hear in some sort of Viking film.

[A]

Can we not go in there?

[B]

What about. The name is freaking everyone out now. All right.

[A]

It's a Furious. Sir.

[B]

Yeah. All right.

[A]

It's not. It's not inviting.

[B]

No, but it. All right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I. I will concede the Furious part's bad.

[A]

Honestly, it's scaring the hell out of everybody.

[B]

Well, what if I called it the Hudson Strait? Oh, not so scary now, is it, boys? It's not so scary now. We're gonna go through the Hudson Strait.

[A]

One of the.

[B]

Right into our fate. Yeah. We're gonna call it the Hudson Street. That's not as scary as the Furious Overpass.

[A]

One of the reasons that there's so much tension on the ship.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Is because of your songs.

[B]

Yeah. Well, we better get moving, because as much as we're aging, it looks like the Hudson Straits are raging. Come on. Bam. Look at the hips. Wham. Look at the moves. Crotch, crotch, crotch. Flipping around, bottom, bottom, slap. Bending down, boot, scoot. Yeah. All right, now. Now that we're feeling good.

[A]

We're not.

[B]

Let's have a go.

[A]

So the Furious Overfall is brutal. And as they entered the mouth.

[B]

I've been there.

[A]

So they enter the mouth.

[B]

I've been.

[A]

There's now Hudson Bay. So it's Hudson straight, then into Hudson Bay. So you. You could tell why they thought it's the Northwest passage because it's 40, 470,000 square miles with 4,000 miles of coast.

[B]

They're 470.

[A]

Yeah. It's huge. And they're basically just inching along until Henry has a realization that this is not a Trans American waterway, that they're in a bay and they're about to hit a dead end.

[B]

Okay. What?

[A]

So he tried to get out by going north, but that's back up. The Furious Overfall.

[B]

So he's trying to go through it.

[A]

Which is named for a reason, Right?

[B]

Yeah. It's a nightmare.

[A]

It's, like, impossible to get through.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Even if you know exactly where you're going and they don't know where they're going.

[B]

In a way, that is an advantage.

[A]

Yeah, probably.

[B]

It might be maybe because they're like, bye.

[A]

So it took them one and a half months of scooting past one ice block, trying to remember if they had passed it before, and then turning back, scoot, turn back, scoot, turn back. Constantly making inadvertent circles in the freezing weather for a month and a half, going absolutely nowhere. And why? Because, Gareth, it is called the Furious Overfall.

[B]

Well, and that. And I mean that there There had to be a way to be able.

[A]

To tell that they were. Yeah.

[B]

That they're just going. I mean.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, like you said, he's not.

[A]

A great navigator, but you can look at the stars. I mean, they do use the stars to navigate. Going, we're not going anywhere.

[B]

Yeah. But instead they're like, wait, oh.

[A]

Ah. So the crew, at this point, it's just totally lost it. Yeah. And the animosity between Jewett and Henry explodes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Jewett discovered that Green, a guy, a guy who had no experience sailing but got this cushy job on the ship, was just there to spy on the crew for Henry. So he is.

[B]

He's right.

[A]

He is right. Okay. So at that point, Jewish challenges Henry, and Henry has him locked up and tried for mutiny on the ship. Yes.

[B]

Tried in front of a jury of other people. Or maybe just you're now a jury.

[A]

I don't know who they did in front.

[B]

Yeah, well, they have no choice.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, so you just.

[B]

You. You always are just good. It's kind of fun.

[A]

It is fun.

[B]

Right now we're going to have a trial. This would be great.

[A]

So even though everyone hates Henry, the testimony against Jewett is pretty damning.

[B]

The testimony against Jewish.

[A]

Well, I think that the guys are from.

[B]

Who?

[A]

The guys on the crew. They must be telling the truth. I don't get any of this.

[B]

So funny to be like. And have you heard of the ship? Well, yeah, I'm on it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you carry any sort of bias in any direction?

[A]

Yeah, lots of it.

[B]

I'd like to strike Reggie from the pool.

[A]

Okay. Now, I'm Frank.

[B]

All right, Frank. How are you, mate?

[A]

How are you?

[B]

Yes. Are you familiar with the ship and the expedition?

[A]

Yeah. Well, I'm on it, right? Yeah.

[B]

What do you think of me? Do you like me?

[A]

No.

[B]

What about Jewett? He's a real piece. All right.

[A]

Hilarious.

[B]

No, he's not. He's no striking Frank. No.

[A]

Have him tell you the joke about the pig.

[B]

And that was a horrible joke. He stole the one where he.

[A]

The pig.

[B]

Yes. It's not even a joke. It's a horrible story about when he had sex with a pig. I'm striking Frank. Striking Frank.

[A]

You put it like that.

[B]

Striking Frank. Taylor. Taylor, hello.

[A]

Makes me laugh.

[B]

Taylor, hello. Hello.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

Yes. How are you?

[A]

Good, how are you?

[B]

Do you know Jewett?

[A]

Even guys who got along with Jewett had overheard or straight up been told threats from Jewett towards Henry.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

And just about every other crew member on the ship. I mean, Jewett Is just a talking.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Guy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So Henry hasn't dead. He's dead to rights.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Jewish on his boat jury on the mutiny boat jury.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But he also recognized that he needed as many men as possible to escape the icy hell they're in. He needs experienced men for the ship.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

So instead of having Jewish thrown overboard.

[B]

Which would have been the you're now my slave.

[A]

Henry gave him.

[B]

I sented you to being cool again.

[A]

He gave him and any other crew member suspected of any crime a full pardon in exchange for good behavior from now on.

[B]

What a weak. It's so true, though. That's what I mean. Like, he had no legs to stand on, really. Because he needs. So he basically. You're sentenced to not being a dick. Come on. I mean, he could have eliminated the trial and just been like, would you please chill out?

[A]

Exactly. Yeah.

[B]

I sentence you to chilling out.

[A]

Gareth. The dollop is brought to you by Chewy. Chewy. Of course. Not the. Not the thing that you do with a little stick thing that I gave you. I'm talking about the company that sends you pet stuff and helps you out with your pet situation.

[B]

Stick.

[A]

Okay. That's fair. Gareth. When I think about the holidays, I'm thinking about the little moments with my pets. My little guys. I get 17 dogs and they make the season because you put a little antlers on them. You let them run around, you know, haul the sleigh, all that stuff.

[B]

That's why sir is they're pulling the sleigh.

[A]

Yeah. That's why I'm joining Chewy Claws, who's out there making pets. Wishes come true, obviously, because he's Chewy claws. So from November 4th until December 24th, you can share your pet's [e-mail] Chewy Claws. And it could become real. And also, it also helps others. So each wish that you make. Triggers come real.

[B]

Is my favorite thing that's ever been said in an ad on this show.

[A]

Yeah. No, absolutely. So each. Each time you wish, it triggers a donation of five meals to shelters and rescues across the country. So you submit that through the Chewy app and they'll double the donation. A wish for a pet.

[B]

It's really the way Chewy is the absolute best that it's so hard sometimes to live in a world where companies don't do the right thing. Chewy is the opposite. Chewy is the best. Even hearing that, you're just like, man, they just rule.

[A]

Yeah. And then you can. You can send your pet's wishes out there to Chewy Claws. I've never heard of Chewy Claws before, but this is apparently a real clause, not like the other one. And they. And Chewy. Chewy Claws doubles their name. This is real. Chewy Claws is real.

[B]

So is Santa Claus.

[A]

No, Santa Claus is not real. Chewy Claws is real. Shelters and rescues can join in on the joy by submitting their own wish list to Chewy Claws also. And their community can find their wish list and donate items directly to them. So if you have ride a rescuer shelter that you like and they're on there and they put a list, you can go there and pick stuff out to give to your favorite dog or cat or lizard or horse or camel. Camel. Yeah. Probably.

[B]

Nope. No, there's probably a lot of.

[A]

A lot of camels at the shelters here in Los Angeles. Here's the thing. Chewy is spreading the joy with your wish. That's what I'm trying to say. We of course use Chewy. We both love Chewy. That's where I get my food and then toys and medications and all that good stuff. I'm full in. I'm full in with Chewy. I'm a hunter. Chew. Sure. Every pet deserves a wish come true. Send your pet's wish to wish come Chew.

[B]

Will you tell them I was doing it, that I said that?

[A]

No.

[B]

Every email wise they are not happy. They're. And they're not replying anymore.

[A]

Yeah, they want no contact with you. It's only through me they keep saying Gareth seems chewed which every pet deserves a wish come true. Send your pet's wish to chewy.com chewy claws and it might become a reality. Plus your wish means Chewy will donate five meals to pets in need. How about that, Gary?

[B]

Gareth.

[A]

Gareth. Come on, Gareth.

[B]

It's Gareth. You know what it is?

[A]

Gareth. The Dolph is also brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace. Everybody knows this. It's an all in one website platform which is is designed to make you stand out, help you stand out and succeed online instead of failing online. Don't succeed.

[B]

I think they've won the race. But there's nowhere that I could think that anyone else would ever go at this point. But we don't mind. We don't mind continuing to tell you, go to Squarespace. You want to be a business, go to Squarespace. You know, everything's collapsing all around us. You got to figure out your own little thing now. I'm sorry, I. I'm sorry. To Squarespace. I should be talking. Go ahead, Dave. Go ahead.

[A]

That didn't that wasn't helpful.

[B]

That's bad news.

[A]

So it doesn't matter if you're just starting out, if you got an older business you want or you just want to get the attention out there for a thing that you got going on.

[B]

You can't work it. Because I'll tell you what, no one has your back but Squarespace, you can.

[A]

Claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, gray brand, and get paid just all in the same place.

[B]

Squarespace, they're my best. They're my best friend.

[A]

You can get paid on time with. Sorry, you can get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments, which people enjoy. Those people enjoy online payments.

[B]

How about SEO tools? Ever heard?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Gareth, what's an SEO tool? Since you're.

[B]

Engine optimization.

[A]

Yeah. So they're gonna help you with that.

[B]

They're gonna give you the keywords to get it so that people find you. What about this? What about video content? I'm back, baby. What about that? What about videos? They're gonna make you look more professional. What if you wanna do donations or you wanna be able to sell stuff on your website? Merch, for God's sakes. I mean, we have a website that has merch on it through Squarespace. All of our websites are through Squarespace. Now, I will say we've had to give some notes to the person who's in charge of the merch part of our website, sometimes eight or nine times before a message is clearly relayed that actually penetrates the liquid, the brain.

[A]

But that's got nothing to do with Squarespace.

[B]

It's got nothing to do with Squarespace.

[A]

You're bringing in your own personal issues to that.

[B]

I'm bringing in my own personal stuff to a Squarespace talk.

[A]

We're just saying if you. If you're gonna go online and make yourself a website or get a domain or whatever, you're going to want to use Squarespace. That's what we're saying. Check out squarespace.com doll for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code dollop to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com dollop for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code dolph to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[B]

Tell them, I'm sorry, I shouldn't.

[A]

It's too late for that, Gareth. We are also brought to you by cash as. Oh, David, I think they.

[B]

David. David.

[A]

As long as possible. Hey, what's the. What's the. Do you have, like, a weirdest or craziest scam that you've ever had to deal with? Oh, yeah, You've certainly had them. You've had your. Your parents have had them.

[B]

I recently had one of. My father recently got involved in a.

[A]

It's gonna be an author.

[B]

The king. The king of scams. The king of scams. The irony that if my father wrote a book about the scam he was on, that would have been the book.

[A]

Well, look, here's the thing about. About Cash App built in card security that keeps your money safe from fraud and the protections you you'd expect the holidays. It's about finding the perfect gift. But not every deal is actually what it seems, right? And scammers are getting more creative to trick people into sharing their payment using methods like fake shopping sites and giveaways that are, like, crazy. Too good. Hold on.

[B]

I'm buying you a car right now.

[A]

And luckily, cash apps 247 fraud monitoring helps detect and alert you for unusual card activity should someone gain access to your card. So you can act fast and you know if something's off.

[B]

Did you get the card?

[A]

I did not get the car. Gareth, you can. You can also lock or unlock your Cash App instantly, right in the app. It's extra control. That's pretty sweet. I'll keep you peace of mind. So it's good. It's very, very helpful with scams. My bank's calling me keeping your money secure.

[B]

What? Dude, that car thing?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not real. You should have used Cash app just lost $100 million.

[A]

That's a lot for a car. So look, what we're saying is give yourself the peace of mind this holiday season and download Cash App App. That's what we're saying. That's what Gareth and I are saying. Yeah, we're. We're big boys. You should listen to us.

[B]

We're the big bad boys. Cash App.

[A]

For a limited time only, new Cash App customers can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash. For real. Just download Cash App, use our exclusive referral code, secure 10 in your profile, and send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account. Terms apply. That's money. That's Cash App. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit card issued by Sutton bank member FDIC Promotions provided by Cash App a Block Incorporated brand visit. Cash App Legal Podcast for full disclosures, Gareth. We are also brought to you by Aura Frames. We both have aura frames. We both sent aura frames to our mommies. Yes, My mommy loves her aura frame. I get to send her.

[B]

I'm gonna jump in and ask you to not call her your mommy.

[A]

My mama gets my mama. Mama gets meemaw. My meemaw gets frames. Gets pictures for me in her aura frame. Yeah, it's very easy. So you get the aura frame. It's a great gift because of what we're talking about. And you send it to someone and you can upload all the stuff you want into it. You can use the app, go online to send your photos to the airframe.

[B]

We're in this weird zone where you no longer have the hard copy of the picture, and yet all we do is take pictures and we still want to have stuff on our walls.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

So Aura kind of hacked it and is basically like, hey, you can have a ton of pictures rotating in a frame.

[A]

It.

[B]

It's like living in Back to the Future too.

[A]

It's exactly like that. Upload unlimited photos and video. Preload photos before it ships if you want. So you can ship it as a gift and then get. And go, oh, my God, here's all the grandkids or the dog or here's a bunch of trees.

[B]

You get one and you go, oh, God, I don't want that many pictures of grandkids. You can swap it out for other pictures.

[A]

Yeah, you can.

[B]

There's no commitment. Commitment here.

[A]

You can personalize your gift and add a message before it gets there. Share photos and videos effortlessly straight from your phone, like I said, all year long. And a gift box comes in a gift box, so it's perfect.

[B]

Nice packaging too. Just. Just saying.

[A]

And you look like a genius. You look like a genius with this.

[B]

People.

[A]

People love it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So for a limited time, save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get 35 off Aura's best selling Carver Matte frames. Named number one by wire cutter, Wirecutter is the New York Times recommendation thing. That's awesome.

[B]

It's great.

[A]

By using promo code dollop at checkout. That's a U R A frames.com promo code doll. This deal is exclusive to listeners and frames sell out fast. So order yours now to get it in time for the holidays. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.

[B]

Well, Dave, we should also make sure we let people know that we are on tour. The dollar podcast will be going on Tour this spring. We're hitting some dates, and it is. It's an exciting time. We want people to come out. We want people to join us. We're. We're very excited. So you can find us in Buffalo on March 22nd, in Syracuse on March 23rd, in Boston on the 24th. March 25th. Will be in Bridgeport, Connecticut, against our will. We'll be in New York City on March 26th. We'll be in Albany at a place called the egg on the 27th. Will be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania on the 28th. We'll be in Philadelphia on the 29th. And then we will be in Washington, D.C. on March 30th. So go to dolloppodcast.com for tickets to that.

[A]

And if you come to see us in Bridgeport, we'll make love to you. Henry then immediately killed any goodwill he may have accumulated by meandering around in the ice for another two months.

[B]

Oh, my God. So there are they. They're freezing, obviously.

[A]

Yes. And it's.

[B]

And they only have the. Most of them are sleep deck.

[A]

Yes. And it's an October passes by, so they're stuck. The men would be. Because.

[B]

You mean iced in.

[A]

Yeah, they're iced in. Wow. So the men would be forced to stay in the frozen wasteland until spring.

[B]

And can you imagine being on the deck when he actually gets to go below deck? Well. All right, guys. This is just. I don't even know how we got here, but I'm as pissed as anyone. But I'm gonna turn in. I'll go.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[B]

Oh, God. So I'll tell you where it's cold below deck. So I'm gonna go down there to my quarters and just stay. Oh, I wish I was surrounded by you lot. You could use your body warmth. All I've got down there are a bunch of blankets. Well, I'm turning in. And just know that we're all just so pissed. Ugh. I'm gonna go down there now and just have a Try to sleep. Don't know if I will. Oh, by the way, if I'm not up here early in the morning, let me. It means I didn't get to bed at all. So let me sleep a little bit. This whole thing is totally. By the way. This whole thing is totally. I'm gonna. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go down there be. They don't even look like there's room on the deck for me, unfortunately. Boy, that's a bummer.

[A]

Really. What if there are any acting students out There. I want you to do this. And if you have to do, like, a solo piece in your acting class, will you please do this?

[B]

My monologue. I'll be doing Henry. Henry Hudson. My quarters from the play the Hudson Nightmare. Well, it's time to turn in, I guess. And I wish I could stay up here with my men, but unfortunately, I think I've got to go down. I could write because, you know, I could do another eight minutes.

[A]

Oh, I know. Everybody knows. No one's. No one's happy about that. No, that's where people worry about your sanity.

[B]

No, it's the Achilles. Yeah. The Achilles heel is that I. I do find comedy in going long.

[A]

I know, I know.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, you're the Henry Hudson of.

[B]

Well, well. All right, I'm turning in. I'm gonna lock this door just so I don't get out and try to take someone's position.

[A]

Yeah, okay.

[B]

Oh, by the way, I'm down in my quarters now, and it's bloody awful.

[A]

So Preston, just go ahead and cut this part out.

[B]

Yeah, Preston cut. Keep this part going.

[A]

So I, I. He must have let them sleep below somehow because they would have died. Like, he must have. He must have allowed them below deck in the freezing. Whatever.

[B]

Okay. I don't know. I'm actually interested.

[A]

But also, also they could have been.

[B]

Doing the penguin thing.

[A]

Also, they. They now have to. Because they're going to be there all winter. They had to build a shelter. They had. They have to hunt, they have to fish, they have to gather firewood.

[B]

But where are they doing that? Where can they do that?

[A]

Well, there's. They can walk to the shore. So get off the boat and walk.

[B]

To the shore through the ice.

[A]

Well, they also have to ground the ship, so they. They must have had to somehow pull it up and slide it across and get it, because they have to get.

[B]

It, because you can't have this.

[A]

They have to get it out of the ice or else the hull will crack.

[B]

Just absolute hell.

[A]

So it's not like, hanging out like, they got a lot of work to do if they're gonna stay there. Henry sent two guys to land to see if there was any where they could stay for the winter, and they ended up camping at the mouth of a river. It's mise. One crewman said that so many things were going wrong. Quote, to speak of all our troubles would be tedious. In the middle of November, a crew member died of exposure to the freezing cold. And so they must have been sleeping outside or, well, what A.

[B]

It's also what a great term for hypothermia. Exposure. He died because he was cold. No, he had exposure to the elements. It's quite different.

[A]

He was weak and they just.

[B]

We're all grieving the death of Richard. I'm going to go down to my quarters and just grieve.

[A]

I'm going to go cry in the hot box.

[B]

I'll be crying in the hot tub.

[A]

Gosh, they can't bury him because they.

[B]

Can'T dig a grave. Yeah, well, you should probably just eat him.

[A]

I'm sure they just covered him. Stuff.

[B]

There we are.

[A]

Henry Green.

[B]

Let's toss him.

[A]

Henry Green, the bad tempered favorite of Henry.

[B]

Henry Green of Henry Hudson.

[A]

Hank Green, the guy he brought on to be the spy. Yeah, yeah, we can call him Hank. He wanted the day.

[B]

Green's a guy online who's awesome.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

That's what. But I don't want to think we're being rude to Hank Green because he's awesome.

[A]

He wanted the dead crewman's coat.

[B]

Wait, who did? Hank.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Once again, this is not Hank.

[A]

So Henry actually took it off the body and gave it to him, which is cool. No, awesome. It's a.

[B]

It's like a thrift shop.

[A]

It's.

[B]

You support it. Well, I like it.

[A]

You do? You do take the dead guy's clothes.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

But there's a slap.

[B]

Not the underwear.

[A]

It's a slap in the face to the crew. Yeah, you might take the underwear too.

[B]

I wouldn't.

[A]

I would.

[B]

I think there's a big.

[A]

I think you could get. If you could get that on ebay. You can make a lot of money.

[B]

Once you see the penis. That's where I say this is wrong.

[A]

Oh, that's weird.

[B]

Everything up until then, if I see.

[A]

The penis, I'm like, we won't.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah, I mean, we're just from different countries. Yeah. I guess it's the cultural stuff.

[B]

Let's eat sushi off him. It's like Japanese businessmen.

[A]

Usually when a crewman died, the rest of the men held an auction and the money raised would be sent to the dead crewman's family. So that was the tradition, right?

[B]

Sort of the Gofundme.

[A]

So that's very normal.

[B]

Right. We raise all that money for that. That poor Walmart worker.

[A]

I mean, great. We raised it, but people are just like, it's. It's a feel good story. You're like, no, it's a story.

[B]

It's. It's what? It. I don't even know where. How It's a very nuanced. I was trying to do something about it, but it's like there is a very nuanced. We're very happy for the man who should have been taken care of by the government and had health care so that it sounds like his wife probably could have lived longer. Yeah, we're happy that that man's a multi. Going to be a multimillionaire. What is annoying is that the government doesn't do that and that a tiktoker is being popularized because of filling the holes that the government should be. Yeah, it's just like. Yeah, it's one of those ones are. I'm like, I might just go run off a cliff. Hey, we don't take care of our senior citizens.

[A]

Yay.

[B]

But this guy's gonna be okay. Yay. Now do every other one.

[A]

So. So that was how. By taking the guy's clothes and raft them off or auction them off. That was how they dealt with tragedy, with honor, basically. So now the crew is furious that he just gave him the goat.

[B]

It's crazy to me that the auction is the. Like. I mean, it's just very. All right, now, how much are we figured for this shirt? Look at this beautiful thing, eh? A lot of buttons, two big pockets. What would you pay for this? I'd say top dollar. Let's do nine farthing started. Nine farthings. Nine farthings. Nine farThings. We got 10, 5, 9, 5.

[A]

All I have is this bone.

[B]

All right, we got one bone. He's got two bones. Anyone got two bones? Two bones.

[A]

This piece of wood.

[B]

This is very difficult to auction it in this way because I don't know if the wood's better than above, but we say it will be for this because a pretty big piece of wood. All right, we've got a what?

[A]

Can of tuna.

[B]

Oh, tuna's entered the battle, right? We've got kind of tuna going once. Anyone. Can anyone outdo a can of tuna?

[A]

It's empty.

[B]

All right. It's an empty kind of tuna. I think the wood's better than the can of tuna. And be honest, I'm still not sure if the bones worse than the water where that's at. But we'll say the wood's still good because the empty catitude is nothing in it. So we still got the wood. Anyone got more wood? Bigger piece of wood? Anyone got wood? Larger wood? Wood. Big piece of wood going once, big piece of wood going twice. Can anyone beat the big piece of wood dick at this guy's Lovely wife, anyone? Go, Dick. If he's got kids, he's got kids.

[A]

Got a finger yet again.

[B]

Are you willing to take it off your hand?

[A]

I've got a. Yeah, I still.

[B]

I don't know if his wife would do the wood. Big piece of wood. Sold for the shirt. Guys, next round. Let's think of things that the woman would like. Nope. Put your trousers back on.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

Yeah, it's all right. I saw that coming a mile away.

[A]

Now, on top of all that, Henry now demanded that the ship's carpenter build. Build him an entire house.

[B]

He was the. Also the carpenter and the proctologist. The carpenter to build them out. This is awesome.

[A]

And the carpenter said he couldn't because he didn't know how to build a house. He was not a house building carpenter. He only knew about ships.

[B]

Well, build me a ship that's shaped like a house.

[A]

So Henry punched him in the face. Oh. Tensions are high.

[B]

Imagine telling a guy to build you a house when you're, like, getting him killed. You're actively getting him killed. And you're like, say, what do you say you build me a big house?

[A]

Big, four rooms.

[B]

You three. Bath. Yeah. Go on.

[A]

So the crew did end up building a structure that sort of resembled the house.

[B]

And.

[A]

During.

[B]

Let me walk you through what I call a bouse. It's called a hoat. All right, listen, why has the house got a sale on it? We. Yeah, that was a thing.

[A]

We.

[B]

Yeah, we got into a bit of a debate about that. Whether or not you're out, should have a sale or not.

[A]

Yeah. I only think about boats.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I had wrapped me head around it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I came up with this.

[B]

And. Yeah.

[A]

She doesn't float.

[B]

There's no floor. Don't think you need that.

[A]

Or dirt.

[B]

Yeah. So sorry about that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyway.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I remember when my dad came to town once. He, like, he was here for work, like, years ago, and he found a sushi restaurant that he loved. And us, my brother and I pulled up. It was a f boat. And we were both like. We were like, we're not eating here. And he was like, it's really good. We're like, never again.

[A]

That's awesome. Okay, so. So it resembles a house. And during the building process, the carpenter became friends with Henry Green.

[B]

Okay. The spy.

[A]

And Henry was super jealous of. Sorry, our Henry. Sorry, I'm friends with Henry Green. So Henry Hudson is super jealous of.

[B]

Henry Green's friendship with the carpenter.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And in response to this new bro. Bro ship that's building Henry took back the dead man's coat from Green and gave it to somebody else.

[B]

Oh, my God. Like, it's a varsity letter jacket.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

What in the name of Petty. Holy. Just. You could just picture, like, the montage of. Of the carpenter and Green, like, getting closer and him just sort of watching from the bushes. And then the one night when he's just had a lake. Yeah, so, just going to need the jacket back.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah, the. Remember the guy who passed his jacket? Yeah.

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

Yeah, go on, give it back.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yes. I promised it to Jordan.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah, Jordan's having it now. Jordan's having it.

[A]

Jordan's a cunt.

[B]

Jordan will wear it better. Better than you or with that carpenter over there.

[A]

Is this about the carpenter? I should be friends with both of you.

[B]

Oh, yeah, whatever. Looks like you two built a great friendship. Meanwhile, my house is not finished friends.

[A]

We're not besties.

[B]

Give me the jacket, you.

[A]

Unbelievable.

[B]

Thank you. Hope you guys have a lot of fun. By the way, no need to talk to me anymore. I'm not interested in having conversations with you. I've got a new mate. His name's Jordan. He's over there and he's lovely. Yeah, come on, Jordan. Now laugh really big, like we're having the best time. That's so true. I love your new coat. Your new coat's lovely, Jordan. Oh, I know. I've never had a better time either. Well, Jordan and I are gonna go sleep in the house.

[A]

We're all sleeping in the house.

[B]

Oh, is that what.

[A]

Oh, yes, everybody.

[B]

I didn't understand that bit. All right, great.

[A]

Well, we built you a house.

[B]

Sort of what I was hoping for. Yeah, well, I don't know.

[A]

What, you think we're gonna sit out on the tundra?

[B]

I don't know. Oh, Jordan, stop.

[A]

He didn't say.

[B]

Yes, he did. He said it in a secret language where he doesn't use his mouth. We don't need to use our mouths to talk.

[A]

Is he using his eyes?

[B]

He's telepathically telling me stuff. Oh, stop it. I guess I have lost a little weight. That's very nice.

[A]

We're starving, mate.

[B]

Oh, I guess I have put on a little weight. Well, my abs are big. I look good.

[A]

Fuck me.

[B]

Oh, well.

[A]

So Green and Henry are just never friends again. That's it. They had a huge fight, by the way.

[B]

Now, that's not. That's not a great look either, because now your spy is like.

[A]

Spy hates you.

[B]

Well, your spy hates you. And he's just like. Yeah, he put me here to spy on you all. Sorry. Just be like, what would you say to them again?

[A]

So the crew was able to shoot some birds and do a little fishing, at least for a while. But all the animals either migrated south through the winter or became dinner. And at that point, they found themselves stuck with no food. Oh. All they could find to eat were frogs and moss, which is actually a nice salad.

[B]

The idea.

[A]

Would you care for some frogs and moss?

[B]

Just sitting there eating frogs, frogs and moss. Just. But imagine just like chewing moss.

[A]

Oh, God. Oh, horrifying.

[B]

It's not that bad.

[A]

It's not, you know, put a squeeze a little frog on there.

[B]

There you are. I've put a bowl of moss. If you could dip your frog in it. Jesus Christ.

[A]

And then they started coming down with scurvy.

[B]

It's. By the way, this is what I expected in part one.

[A]

Yeah, I know. So then a native dude just stumbles across them and he trades with them some pelts so they could keep warm.

[B]

And so many stories like this.

[A]

The native dude knows they need food, obviously, and he would probably have to come back to bring them stuff.

[B]

But Henry, he's just looking at everything. Frogs and moss.

[A]

Hey, listen, I just want duck.

[B]

Why do you guys keep doing this? Like, we keep finding you white people eating rocks and dirt.

[A]

Have you. Just hear me out. Have you guys considered not being just obsessed with fucking money? Have you thought about that?

[B]

We'd rather eat frogs and moss, so that's fine.

[A]

So here's the problem. Henry is such a dick to the native guy that he never comes back.

[B]

Yeah, like, they were all probably like, oh, right, he's gonna bring us. Yeah, we're good, dude. We're, like, totally good. Okay, now I'm picturing him as James Corden. Yeah, dude. Like, we're all set. Okay. Yeah, like, we're good.

[A]

Can you imagine how much of a dick you have to be for a guy to just leave you to die?

[B]

He was probably, like, in his head, he was probably like, I can give them a bunch of really good meats. Yeah, dude, we got moths and frogs. Like, off. You believe the nerve that guy?

[A]

Ask if we need help cook up some more morocs?

[B]

No, we're not cooking the frogs.

[A]

Frogsicle.

[B]

By the way, am I the only one who's got really bad diarrhea?

[A]

Wait, would it be. Would it be better to eat a frozen frog or a cooked frog?

[B]

Cooked?

[A]

No, I'm from. Yeah, but if you ate it frozen, it wouldn't taste really, that cooked.

[B]

What the it's not easy. You can imagine getting, like, brain freeze with frog.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No.

[A]

So I'm talking.

[B]

You want it cooked.

[A]

So Henry now decides he wants an icy treat. It's a price. So Henry decides he's gonna go out on his own and find the native camp to get food. So he's gonna go in the direction the guy walked, he's gonna find their camp.

[B]

Oh, talk about hat in hand. But hey.

[A]

Hey.

[B]

Sorry. Sorry I was so shouty back there.

[A]

Sometimes I get all froggy.

[B]

I get a bit. Oh, gosh, I was a real prick.

[A]

So he goes out in a boat and he somehow finds them.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And the natives see him coming, now shoot him. They instantly know who it is because the guy came back to the village and said, man, let me tell you about this piece of. So they all know there's a starving group of men.

[B]

Do you know how.

[A]

And that guy was such a dick that they're all on board with, like, him.

[B]

For Native Americans to be like, I know, right? This guy's a dick.

[A]

Without understanding the language.

[B]

Yeah. And also with knowing white people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Should just be like, this guy sucks ass.

[A]

So they see him coming.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

And they set fire to the forest near the shore so he can't get anywhere near. No.

[B]

Hey, hey.

[A]

No.

[B]

What are you doing? Excuse me. What are you doing now? I've got to come through there.

[A]

We hate you so much, we're burning down our own forest.

[B]

Hey, I brought you a bunch of moss. I've got so much moss to bless you with. Have you got other supplies? No.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

Coming back. How'd it go? A bit of a mixed bag. A bit of a mixed bag. You know, I did, by the way, didn't lose any moss. So that's the good news. I'm coming back with all the moss I left with.

[A]

So spring slowly arrives, which means more food.

[B]

Oh, just when you're like, yes, weather.

[A]

But at this point, J and the crew are convinced that Henry is hoarding food. Oh, and Henry, for his part, he's putting on weight. Started.

[B]

It's getting chubby.

[A]

Not helping out.

[B]

Gosh, I'm starving, too.

[A]

He starts thinking aloud about marooning some of the more troublesome men on the land because the food would last longer without them.

[B]

Say that out loud. Is he losing his mind?

[A]

He's. He's running through the processes in his mind, but he's talking about, just leave.

[B]

A lot of them to die, and then I'd be fine, and I could take my favorite five and the five, and I would have A good time. That could be good. And then a lot of them die. Hey, and then they'd be dead, mate. Hold on. And then I'd be the king. I'll take the ones who are nice to me, not the ones who I don't like, mate. But the problem is, I don't like most of them. I don't even think I like five of them. I could take three. Hey, three would be good. Hey, I could even start killing them now. Yes. What's going on?

[A]

We can hear you. You're talking out loud.

[B]

Oh, my God. I hope none of them heard that we heard that. If they heard that, that could be bad.

[A]

What's wrong with you?

[B]

That's it. I should probably kill all of them. And I. I'll eat. By the way, I've been hoarding all the food and they don't know that.

[A]

So eight months after it all started, the ice begins to crack and they prepare to go home. And in a shockingly against character move, Henry evenly distributed the rest of what little food they had. Some of that was spoiled, but every good deed goes punished. So his ex bff, Henry Green, Hank Green, and a handful of other men ate their food way too fast and then accused Henry of hoarding extra food for himself. No, this, in this case, he actually wasn't.

[B]

I think you gotta love housing. The food.

[A]

Oh, so good.

[B]

You've got more. What the. You've been hiding it. No, not. I'm not.

[A]

Didn't give us any.

[B]

Yes, you just ate it all.

[A]

No, the men swore they saw extra food being hidden from the rest of the guys, and technically they were right. But the reason it wasn't distributed is because the food was rancid and inedible, though. So he did leave some food, but it's not.

[B]

It's just like piles of meat with flies on it. Look at that.

[A]

What's that there?

[B]

He's got delicious meat. Yeah, I wouldn't eat that.

[A]

Well, every. Look, the flies like it.

[B]

That's nice.

[A]

It's gotta be good.

[B]

Let's have a bite.

[A]

Look, it's all runny.

[B]

Oh, he's got beef soupy stuff. Do not eat that. It falls apart.

[A]

Your hand.

[B]

My hand's burning just from touching it. This is good meat he's got here.

[A]

So the crew is adamant that it is time to go home. Which, considering everything they've been through, probably the right idea.

[B]

Well, is he putting up a fight?

[A]

Well, he had other plans.

[B]

Hey, what do you say, now that we've got momentum, we get on the.

[A]

Road let's get going.

[B]

All right, quick pivot.

[A]

All right, Canada, gentlemen. That was step one.

[B]

Now that we're really finding our groove. Six are dead. Oh, hold on.

[A]

All right, enough. He is dead set on finding the Northwest Passage to the Pacific Ocean.

[B]

This.

[A]

At least that's what he said he wanted. But he spent an inordinate amount of time just kind of farting around the bay.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

So this leads.

[B]

He's lonely.

[A]

Well, this leads to speculation that he's not just looking for the passage, but was looking for secret treasure.

[B]

Oh, that. Honestly, would. Something has to make sense.

[A]

It. I. He's. He.

[B]

I'm gonna go off and do another one of my fundings. And again, not a big thing.

[A]

He meticulously sounded and mapped the coast four more times.

[B]

Oh, my God. Do we know if he was looking for treasure?

[A]

Maybe he's just lost it. I mean, that's what some of them.

[B]

But we don't know.

[A]

Well, some. Some. There was a theory that he did succumb to, like, a type of madness.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which is. But we don't know. But it sounds.

[B]

I. If I. First of all, I can't believe we're naming waters after this guy. But also, a lot of water. Treasure would be. Treasure would make a lot of sense.

[A]

Yeah. Right.

[B]

But wouldn't that be in his journal?

[A]

But yeah. No, not necessarily. I mean, well, also, his journals don't make it.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

On 22 June, just a recipe book.

[B]

For moss and frog.

[A]

On 22 June, frogs and treat. On 22 June, the grumblers could no longer take it. And it's mutiny time.

[B]

Good.

[A]

And they leapt into it and they tied up Henry and his son John, plus a few other crew members who sort of seemed like they were loyal to Henry. A few were probably just too weak to fight and may have just died on the journey back anyway. So they may have that. That's why they may have.

[B]

Well, I. I got no problem with taking the week and saying they're part of the problem at this point. I'm big into that.

[A]

Yeah, I know you are. They forced Twiggy get on the fire.

[B]

I'm dying anyway. Yeah, go on.

[A]

They forced Henry and the other prisoners onto a small boat. And with some clothes, swords, gunpowder, and shot, a cooking pot and a little bit of food and drink. And of course, a Bible. Although some versions have them putting Henry in the small boat with no supplies and just telling them to off.

[B]

That makes way more sense.

[A]

And as the.

[B]

Why. Why are you doing like a top Chef episode.

[A]

Yeah. It's very weird. I don't think they. Based on what these guys have done, I don't think they gave them anything.

[B]

Yeah, Crazy to just be like, all right, and here's your severance. There you are. A pot and some ingredients. Have a good stew.

[A]

I mean, you have the guys that you hate, right? Henry's son.

[B]

And then. And you're low on everything.

[A]

And the other. The other guys, they're putting in there because they're basically like, well, they're gonna die anyway. Sure. Right.

[B]

So why would they give new crew just the amazing.

[A]

Would you like some coffee, Johnson?

[B]

What's the plan? I probably will die this afternoon, sir. All right, all right.

[A]

Let's.

[B]

You'll be my first mate.

[A]

Let's give him some peppermint box.

[B]

All right, Here we are. Oh, come on, boys. I feel the blood returning to my loins. Anyone else? She's dead, sir.

[A]

I don't have loins anymore.

[B]

Most of us who have died already, Sir Philip.

[A]

Me loins.

[B]

All right. Momentum.

[A]

So now the ships are drifting apart, right? And Henry shouts to the mutineers that they should beware of Jewett and his deceitful nature.

[B]

Whoa. Jewett's the problem.

[A]

He's a muppet.

[B]

He sucks.

[A]

But the men shouted back that Jewett had nothing to do with it. It was Green who led the mutiny. So that's his fault.

[B]

Does he want the jacket back?

[A]

You don't take the jacket back.

[B]

You also, don't. You. You treat your spy like a queen, right? Yes.

[A]

I mean, so bad.

[B]

Yeah, he's got the. You know what? I. Yeah. So are you epsteining.

[A]

So the guys tried to follow the big ship back to England using just the oars and paddling as much as that is themselves.

[B]

That is true.

[A]

Ever. They must have been laughing watching that.

[B]

Wait up.

[A]

But that effort was completely insane. And they quickly found out that it absolutely would not work. So Green takes over as captain, even though he's not a sailor at all. But he led the mutiny after a month.

[B]

We should go to North America.

[A]

What?

[B]

It's a good idea.

[A]

After a month of just kind of meandering all over the place trying to figure out which way England was. Wow. They managed to come upon an Inuit settlement and bartered for food. And Green and five men took a boat to the village to get more food when someone said something that was super insulting. And then the Inuits attacked them.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Only two of the men survived. One who did not survive was new captain gambler, spy, non sailor Henry Green. Damn. It.

[B]

He had a hell of a run though.

[A]

Yeah. Jewett died a grisly death from starvation on the ship. Okay. Every single leader of the mutiny also died in some form or fashion. Only eight crew members made it back to the UK alive. Landing in Ireland on September 6, 1611. When they did, they were also all very close to death. And it only been surviving by eating bird bones fried in candle grease.

[B]

That might. That. That really we've. Outside of cannibalism, that might be the worst thing ever eaten on the show. Bird bones candle crease.

[A]

That's actually a food truck I'm opening up.

[B]

That sounds like a candle scent from Dollar General. Bird bones.

[A]

They finally made it home to London on October 20 a. After a year and five months of just total nightmarish catastrophe. Like nothing was good. The men had different. A different homecoming that they than they expected. They were immediately charged with mutiny. But the trial doesn't happen for seven years.

[B]

But also what are you supposed to do in that situation?

[A]

Well, I think if you were like.

[B]

You'Re just supposed to.

[A]

If you. If you. If you roll back in and the captain is gone and the sun, it's very obvious what happened. So anybody that rolls in, in that.

[B]

Situation, bring them with you.

[A]

But they're gonna just for future journeys, they're gonna try the crew.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Just for. Just to like make sure that doesn't keep happening. Right.

[B]

People know, don't around.

[A]

But the trial doesn't happen for seven years. So in that time period, several of the men died. And because there were only a few survivors and nobody could really refute their story, the guys were acquitted. One reason they were let off the hook, they had valuable information about the new world. So these were some of the only guys to go see all that.

[B]

And by the way, they're. I mean they do. They have a lot of information.

[A]

I mean, well, they went to Delaware and New York and like decent amount.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And this is an extremely valuable amount of information. Henry's logs and maps spurred massive interest and investment in colonizing America.

[B]

Awesome. So we owe him a real debt.

[A]

So we got a bunch of dead whales and we got America.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Two of the survivors, whether from guilt or just wanting another paying gig, returned to America to try and find Henry.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

He's with the gnomes that had to been guilty. He's with the nose man.

[B]

Henry. Welcome back. Every 20 years.

[A]

Holy. Look at him.

[B]

I'm not feeling good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Would you like a frog and moss?

[A]

But no evidence of him or covered in sores. No Evidence of him or the other doom. Crew mates were ever found. Wow. The assumption is they all died from freezing cold old.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

After Hudson's death, his wife Catherine was completely broke and she convinced the company of gentlemen to send a rescue ship. But it found nothing.

[B]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[A]

She also tried.

[B]

Why would she want him back?

[A]

I don't know. Well, because she. She is a woman in the 1600s. Like, without him, she can't do anything. Yeah, but she can't own anything. She can't get a job. Like, I mean, okay. She also tried. She also tried desperately to get some sort of payout since her husband died for the prince and his mission. But in response, she was called, quote, that troublesome and impatient woman.

[B]

Yeah, well, look, lady fate told you a hand. Sorry.

[A]

That's it. You're done.

[B]

Your life's over.

[A]

Wrap it up.

[B]

He's dead. Your life is ended. Stop whining.

[A]

You attach yourself to this anchor.

[B]

Not. Not if you got such an issue with it. Why did they do have a penis?

[A]

In response, Sorry. But she refused to back down and finally received some compensation, which she used to invest in a journey to India to find some riches of her own. And apparently she strikes pay dirt, apparently without any approval. She used the ship's credit to buy a ton of indigo and extremely valuable textiles. So she made my. She made cash. It's just. But she should have used the ship to do that. Like them.

[B]

It also is just. It just. It's just this is such an encapsulation of all of the. It's just these. It's like a rich white dipshit with a bunch of other, like, idiot whites goes all over the place trying to be in charge, everything up along the way and just creating chaos and murder and burning bridges all over the place. The whole thing they're doing is to find great riches. He's putting his wife in peril, and at the end of the day, he and all of them basically die or their lives are ruined. And then she goes off with one idea and strikes.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

And we saw that and went. The moral of this story is don't trust the natives and women shouldn't be allowed to do.

[A]

That's right. She sued the company to get them to pay for everything and wanting her to go away forever, they agreed to a settlement. And then she sold all her wares for an absurd amount of money and retired incredibly rich. Love it. With any story like the mutiny and leaving them at sea in a boat, some legends have scraped, sprung up because if you don't have a body, then people go crazy with the stories.

[B]

Like Velis.

[A]

Some of the men. Some have the men settling on the land and thriving in partnership with the local natives.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

But one local, one intuit folktale may shed light on a possible outcome. It says that a group of natives came upon a boat. Boat of dead white guys. And there was a single survivor. A young man, probably John Henry's son. John. Not knowing what the hell to do with this kid, they came to the only conclusion that made sense for the little white boy. They tied him up outside their huts with the dogs and treated him as a pet until he died.

[B]

Oh, my God. My God.

[A]

You had a bad dad.

[B]

Oh, my God. Oh, man. So maybe we let him go. Maybe we bring him in and we teach him our culture. Maybe we tie him up and make him a dog. Yeah, okay. I like that. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? So I'm their dog.

[A]

Henry obviously never found a path to Asia. But his adventures sparked an appetite for exploring and colonizing North America. Despite the fact that he was a huge failure as a captain and a total and complete dick, his name is everywhere.

[B]

Yeah. What the.

[A]

And there are memorials of him, Sacklers and his crew all across America and Canada. Hudson Bay, Hudson river. Etc, on and on. Thanks to Henry Hudson, the Dutch went into a fervor of exploration of the era they called New Amsterdam and what we now call New York. Also, the whaling industry, walrus ivory industry, and fur trade up in Canada is pretty much all because of Henry Hudson.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

If Hudson had never defied his orders and undertaken a doomed quest that ultimately ended in a freezing, starving death, both America and the UK may not have been as powerful as they become. From the 17th century all the way to now. And as a memorial, he is the number one guy in history with the most water named after him. Him.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah, it's. Yeah. He. Think of all the things named Hudson.

[B]

It's crazy. Yeah, there's. There's. But where.

[A]

Remember the Hudson Bay Company Straight.

[B]

Is enormous.

[A]

And then the Hudson Bay Company becomes the big company in North America.

[B]

Hudson River Valley.

[A]

Hudson River Valley. Hudson. There's so many. Yeah.

[B]

So I'm trying to determine the. If. If there's like a festival for the. The Catskills and the gnomes.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Well, let me read the source.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Half Moon by Douglas Hunter. Fatal Journey by Peter Man. Call Ian chadwick. Folklore. American folklore.net Thieves, rogues and renegades and world history.org Henry Hudson and research by Josh Androwski such A fucking.

[B]

That is so crazy, isn't it?

[A]

I didn't even. You know what? I didn't even know. And Josh is like, what should we do next? And I was just like, I bet Henry Hudson's a crazy story. I had no idea. I didn't even read anything about it. I was just like, I bet Henry has since nuts. And I just had him do it and then he sent it to me and I was like, what the.

[B]

That's. It's insane.

[A]

It's insane how much of our things are named after. Yeah, Half wit douchebag. Like so much of America is named. Just named after.

[B]

But. But like, so history is written down by the winners.

[A]

Yes. Well, right, so in this case, this.

[B]

Guy is a fucking loser.

[A]

But he wasn't though, because he spurred.

[B]

Yeah, because he's the rush for money. He's the seed for.

[A]

Yeah, there's money over there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's all. That's what he is. He's the seed for, hey, you can make money.

[B]

So if we go back in time and we want to really pull the plug on being colonizing.

[A]

But I think.

[B]

We just kill Henry, he doesn't do it.

[A]

Another someone else, another guy does it.

[B]

Yeah, it's a. It's a when. Not.

[A]

You're not going to stop it. Once they have the ships and the. And the means, they're going to send wave after wave of dude, which by the way, wave after wave of dude is what we're calling our next tour.

[B]

It's just an alt title for Point break, but in 2029, we will be doing a live show at the Catskills. If. If America still exists, we will be doing the Catskill show. It's called the Half Home Gnome. That. That is wild, man. Yeah, that's some weird wild stuff. Hey, Dollop fans, I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, gareth, what are you talking about? By the way? It's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember, of the rube. You can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the rube. It. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside. All that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube.