719 - General Edwin Walker - live

Summary

The Dollop Episode 719 - General Edwin Walker (Live)

Podcast: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Date: February 3, 2026
Theme: A comedic deep-dive into the bizarre and reactionary life of General Edwin Walker, focusing on his paranoia, crusade against Communists, role in segregationist actions, unraveling mental state, and his transformation into a right-wing folk hero and eventual outcast.

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Overview

In this live episode, Dave and Gareth navigate the tumultuous history of General Edwin Walker—a figure whose military career, right-wing extremism, and wild conspiracy-mongering embodied mid-century American reactionary paranoia. The episode unfolds with irreverent banter, sharp historical analysis, and signature dollop absurdity as the hosts lampoon Walker’s crusades, nervous breakdowns, and spectacular failure as both general and political agitator.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Early Life and Military Career

• Born 1909, Centerpoint, Texas, raised on a farm; expected to join military.
• Academics & Early Accomplishments:
  • Attended New Mexico Military Institute and West Point, finishing in the bottom third of his class.
  • Played on US Army polo team, which Dave and Gareth mock at [02:35–03:40].
• World War II:
  • Served as colonel, volunteered for elite combat unit, fought in the Pacific/Europe.
  • Member of “The Devil’s Brigade,” infamous for night raids and face-blackening.
    • Dave’s note on “blackened face”: “They would paint their faces black so you couldn't see them. Not because they’re doing blackface in World War II.” (04:13)
    • Gareth's quip: “A couple guys were like, trust me, I know how to do this real well… I do this when I drive sometimes.” (04:20)

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Cold War Paranoia and John Birch Ideology

• Postwar anti-communist shift:
  • Worked at Pentagon on Greek Civil War—became deeply anti-communist, convinced of internal traitors ([04:51–05:16]).
  • Obsessive belief in a “fifth column” of communist sympathizers in US government ([05:46, 06:30]).
    • Vaudeville bit about columns [05:51–06:49], parodying his supposed logic.
• Involvement in Korea/Taiwan:
  • Convinced US was “stabbed in the back” in Korea; blamed Truman and “fifth columnists.”
• In Germany:
  • Sent Christmas card to troops: “We are standing on the brink of a pit of hell.” (12:34)

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The Little Rock Crisis

[07:20–10:12]

• Walker's role: Sent to Arkansas during Little Rock integration crisis.
  • Oversaw National Guard ensuring the Little Rock Nine’s entry into school, but was despised by both sides.
  • Right accused him of being like “Hitler’s Stormtroopers”; local newspapers warned Texas not to try desegregation.

Memorable Comment

• Dave: “The governor blamed Communists for creating race issues.” (10:38)
• Gareth: “Funny how we celebrated all those things for a while. Silly.” (07:36)

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Descent Into Extremism

• Radicalization:
  • After Little Rock, Walker embraces John Birch Society paranoia, starts indoctrinating troops with far-right propaganda.
  • Organizes Pro Blue lecture series, distributes anti-Kennedy voting guides (violating military regs).
    • Quote: “He had become a Bircher in Arkansas, and everything they do is anti-Commie. They see Commie conspiracies everywhere.” (14:53)
• Fluoride and Mind Control:
  • Hosts riff on Bircher conspiracy that “they put fluoride in the water to hurt people’s ability to think so they’d be softened up for Communism.” (16:14; joke extends to holy water and vitamin riffs)

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Scandal, Humiliation, and Relocation

Propaganda Fallout ([19:08–22:18])

• Overseas Weekly exposes Walker’s illegal political activities; he’s relieved of command and demoted.
• Military delivers only a “verbal admonishment”—joked as the lightest slap on the wrist.
  • Gareth: “That’s like workplace... Your boss was like, ‘Hey, don’t do that.’ That’s work.” (22:38)

Right-wing Martyrdom ([23:01–25:16])

• Walker becomes right-wing folk hero, starts nationwide speaking tour, publishing with Nazi-associated printers.
• Rumors swirl that he’s being “purged by Communists in the Pentagon.”

Political Bid for Texas Governor ([29:09–35:31])

• Announces Democratic (pre-party switch) run for Texas governor; campaign is platform for conspiracism, segregation, anti-liberal paranoia.
  • Claims Communist China is amassing at the Texas border; rails against “race mixing,” UN, and school integration.
  • Embarrassing moments: starts rallies by singing “Onward Christian Soldiers;” can’t answer simple questions about women’s financial rights.
    • Notable quote: “He often started his rallies by singing Onward Christian Soldier.” (32:35)

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Little Miss and Insurrection

[54:10–70:36]

• James Meredith at Ole Miss:
  • Supreme Court mandates desegregation; Walker calls for “battlefield” action in Mississippi.
  • Fires up crowds, coordinates with Klan and militia, directs students and mob to attack Federal marshals.
    • Dave: “He made a statement to NBC comparing the use of federal troops in Jackson to the crucifixion of Christ.” (57:51)
    • Takes “command” at Confederate monument; tells followers, “You must be prepared for possible death…” (64:21)
• Riot:
  • Violence escalates, National Guard arrives, deaths and injuries. Walker flees, is arrested, and held in psych ward for seditious acts.
    • Gareth: “Just for one person to be like, guys, this is his pretend control tower in his hallway. What?” (64:31)

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Fallout, Conspiracies, and Decline

• Acquittal and Social Decline ([73:59–74:29]):

  • Found competent, never convicted—white jury refuses indictment.
  • House becomes a run-down "command center"; fades into bitterness and obscurity.
  • Continues rightist crusade: attempts UN, sex-ed, and integration scare tour with evangelist Hargis (“Operation Midnight Ride”).

• Kennedy Assassination & Conspiracy Nexus ([85:22–86:51]):

  • Oswald attempts to assassinate Walker before shooting Kennedy, seeing him as “America’s leading fascist.”
  • Walker angrily blames “Castro plot,” but FBI links him to right-wing extremist groups.

• Scandals and Hypocrisy ([88:22–90:21]):

  • Declining years marked by public disgrace after arrests for soliciting sex from undercover male vice cops; “Always, always.”
    • Gareth: “Yeah, always. They are raised in this strict religious family and they’re gay, and so they hate themselves. So they destroy the world.” (89:15)

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Final Days

• Broke, ostracized, house sporting billboards; Army quietly restores pension in 1983.
  • Dave: “He died at 83 on Halloween in 1993... In obscurity.” (93:27)

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Notable Quotes and Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote / Moment | |-------------|----------|-------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 04:13 | Dave | “They would paint their faces black so you couldn't see them. Not blackface.” | | 12:34 | Dave | “We are standing on the brink of a pit of hell.” (Walker's holiday card) | | 14:53 | Dave | “He had become a Bircher in Arkansas, and everything they do is anti-Commie.” | | 16:14 | Dave | “They put fluoride in the water to hurt people's ability to think…” | | 23:01 | Dave | “A very well-read DC columnist… savaged him, calling his ideas crackpot…” | | 32:35 | Dave | “He often started his rallies by singing Onward Christian Soldier.” | | 41:13 | Washington Post | “He seems to be living in a nightmare world of demons and hobgoblins.” | | 53:22 | Dave | “Some said his house now looked run down and seedy. There was a hole in the dining room ceiling...” | | 64:21 | Dave | “You must be prepared for possible death. And if you’re not willing to pay the price, go home.” (Walker to rioters) | | 73:59 | Dave | “Ed was found competent, but he never had a trial because the all-white jury in Oxford did not indict him...” | | 85:22 | Dave | “Oswald... said killing Ed was like killing Hitler before he took power.” | | 89:15 | Gareth | “Yeah, always. They are raised in this strict religious family and they’re gay, and so they hate themselves. So they destroy the world.” | | 93:27 | Dallas Observer | “He had been silent so long, most thought he was already dead.” |

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Structure and Flow

• Comedic tangents abound, including riffs on vaudeville, military polo, fifth columns, “command centers,” and Walker’s paranoia.
• Historical context seamlessly interwoven with satire, keeping the tone irreverent even as events grow violent or tragic.
• Gareth’s asides on masculinity, repression, and American political patterns offer meta-commentary on rightwing extremism.

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Key Timestamps

• Little Rock Crisis: 07:20–10:12
• Walker’s Propaganda Campaign & Pro Blue: 14:07–19:08
• Relief of Command and Scandal: 22:00–23:58
• Political Run & Conservatism Wanes: 29:09–35:31
• Ole Miss Riot and Arrest: 54:10–70:36
• Kennedy Assassination Conspiracy Connections: 85:00–87:00
• Decline, Hypocrisy, and Final Years: 88:22–93:27

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Summary

General Edwin Walker emerges as a cautionary caricature of American reactionary zeal: from war hero, to self-deluded conspiracy theorist, to segregationist riot leader, to public disgrace. Dave and Gareth’s live riffing exposes both the dangers and absurdities of Walker’s anti-Communist crusades—and reveals patterns that echo throughout US history.

Final note:
This episode offers not just Walker’s strange trajectory, but a broader lens on how American paranoia, bigotry, ego, and denial have always been with us—sometimes wearing a general’s uniform, sometimes fleeing a failed revolution, and finally shouting from a homemade billboard beside a broken home.

Transcript

[A]

The Dollop will be on tour in March 2026. We are going to be in Buffalo on March 22. Then on the 23rd, we'll be in Syracuse. Then on March 24, we'll be in Boston at the Wilbur. Then on the 25th, we'll be in Bridgeport. And 26, the Gramercy Theater in New York. And then on the 27th, we'll be in Albany. And then on the 28th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And then on the 29th, we'll be in Philadelphia. And then on the 30th, we'll be in Washington, D.C. at the Lincoln. The. Why would you name a theater after Lincoln? Anyway, that's our March 2026 tour. Go to dollop podcast.com tour for tickets. Dave.

[B]

Dave, I want to do tell our audience something very exciting. I made a movie called Give It Up. It's going to be in the Cinequest Film Festival. If you want to go see it, go to give it up film dot com. March 15th in San Jose. You can go see the movie. We're in a huge theater, so go to giveitupfilm.com it's called give It Up. So give it Up.

[A]

What's it about? Cats.

[B]

About an hour and a half.

[A]

You're listening to the Dollop. It's an American history podcast where each week I debate Anthony read a story from American history to a.

[B]

Sexy babe, Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Good work, Dave.

[A]

November 10, 1909. Edwin Walker was born in the small town of Centerpoint, Texas.

[B]

Beautiful. Was anywhere appealing from 1830 to 1914. Was there ever anywhere where you're like, yeah, everywhere I've seen is basically. Looks like cassette.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yep, that's it. Okay. Yeah. All right. More dog shit. Okay.

[A]

He was raised on a farm, but was expected to go into the military. Military.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Just like you and he go. Yep. And he went into the New Mexico Military Institute and then West Point.

[B]

Nice. Always good.

[A]

And he finished in the bottom third.

[B]

That's like finishing in the top third, in my opinion.

[A]

Yep. He did make the polo team, though.

[B]

Who cares?

[A]

And he got a spot on the US army polo team.

[B]

Is that really. Is that true? Are they like. We need a ninth.

[A]

Are there?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Are you sure?

[B]

Yeah. Nine on each starting line. Yeah.

[A]

What's your favorite position?

[B]

I mean, personally, I like a center back, but you also got to have the Jonker, so Jonker's good because they're a wild card. You got the roamer, and then whoever does the cannonball when he tags in. I like the coach.

[A]

What's your favorite horse for?

[B]

Polo horse. For polo. I call a Darwin. I like a Darwin. Like a. I like a red Darwin. Yeah, that's good. Keep firing. I'm gonna answer all your fucking stupid questions with really smart answers. Go ahead.

[A]

When World War II broke out, Ed was at that point a colonel. And he volunteered with an elite combat unit and fought in the Pacific and then went to Europe. His force was nicknamed the Devil's Brigade. The Devil's Brigade was known for its blackened face night raids. So he's. So they're. They're. There are race racist guys.

[B]

But wait, is that.

[A]

Yeah, they would paint their faces black so you couldn't see them. Not because they're doing blackface in World War II.

[B]

Yeah, no, I'm sure a lot of them, I'm like, this is awesome. You know what I mean? But it was like. They were like, this is helpful.

[A]

This is great.

[B]

And then a couple of guys were like, trust me, I know how to do this really well. I can do my own. I do this when I drive sometimes. Like, I'm going into an appointment and I want to put eyeliner on.

[A]

He earned several medals, and then he went to work in the Pentagon. So he worked on the Greek Civil War, which was a main Cold War battleground. And he becomes very anti communist.

[B]

Oh, he's gonna fit right into the Pentagon. That's all we're worried about.

[A]

And then he went to Korea, which ends in a stalemate. And he, Ed, believed the US Was stabbed in the back by the commie un.

[B]

Who is he currently serving? Still, it seems like it's very applicable to today's version.

[A]

He thought they were working with traders in the State Department. Jesus Christ.

[B]

This is real accurate.

[A]

And then he was angry that Truman.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, what?

[A]

He was. He was angry. He was angry that Truman relieved General MacArthur of command.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

For trying to continue the war after Ed still led his men. But he couldn't. When they couldn't see, he, quote, wept over their predicament.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

He believed Truman was duped by a fifth column in the government.

[B]

A fifth column?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't even know there were four columns.

[A]

Yeah, well, there's a fifth.

[B]

I don't believe in the fourth.

[A]

Well, maybe the fourth isn't there, but there's a fifth.

[B]

What's holding it all up?

[A]

It ain't the third.

[B]

Are we writing like vaudeville right now? If it's not the third, then it's gotta be the first, because the second's always safe. The second's always safe. First is the problem we found. Closing after one night. You gotta be kidding me. I put everything into this. It's you. You wanted to add the fifth column.

[A]

Don't get mad at me. I don't know.

[B]

It only works in fours now.

[A]

But there's. If there's no four, then the fifth is the four.

[B]

Wait a minute. This is good. Jot this down.

[A]

He believed Truman was duped by a fifth column in the government. Truman, quote, pulled the greatest crown clown trick ever.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

After Korea, he went to Taiwan again. He thought Taiwan leader Chiang Kai Shek was betrayed by a president. So he's a murderous twat, by the way. So he thinks that the Taiwan leader was betrayed by a president. So Ed is just disgusted with what's going on. And his next command is in Arkansas in July 1957.

[B]

I'll bet he was a lot happier there.

[A]

Yep. He's now a general. In 1954, the Supreme Court ruled racial segregation in public schools was unconstitutional. We're gonna take that. That'll be gone soon.

[B]

Funny how we celebrated all those things for a while. Silly.

[A]

So nine black students were admitted to Central High in Little Rock. And two days before, the governor ordered the National Guard to take over the school to prevent the Little Rock nine from entering.

[B]

It's so I. I don't. Look, I don't know where you would have picked to start this, but Little Rock, Arkansas, was like, let's jump into the deep end. That was a crazy one. And I. First nine picked, you'd be like, can other people go first? I'd really rather. I'll wait a year, see how that goes.

[A]

Yeah. On September 20th, a judge ordered the guard removed. And as the nine went to school, 1,000 people broke through police lines. They assaulted journalists. Oh, they assaulted a black journalist. Weird. And the nine were taken out. The nine were taken out a side door. And the mayor asked for troops to be brought in. So Eisenhower federalized 10,000 Arkansas National Guard under the command of General Edwin Walker.

[B]

Well, fucking intense. It's crazy.

[A]

The governor called it an occupied force.

[B]

And when something real bad happens here, people's heads are going to pop because.

[A]

We'Re under attack from ourselves. Ed was told to use the least amount of force possible.

[B]

I'll bet he did.

[A]

So he had 300 soldiers with bayonets, rifles, and gas masks surround the school. The nine enter the school, and then he slowly reduces the number of troops over a while. Ed was, of course, attacked by the right. They said his troops attacked bystanders and held bayonets at people's throats. Like Hitler's Stormtroopers. Right. Which didn't happen.

[B]

Right. Hitler never did that.

[A]

No, yeah, I meant Hitler.

[B]

I thought you were okay. I got your back, buddy. But that one seems dicey, Very dangerous.

[A]

And the Dallas Morning News warned not to try it in Texas. They just had a telescope. Throw the. You don't try that here. We're not actually doing that.

[B]

Well, now we want it. You don't want to try it here. We want it now. And we want the biggest version of it cheap, too. We'll show you who's boss.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

We'll bring it here on our own. Idiot. Hey, what's the thing they have. I didn't catch it.

[A]

Over the year, Ed slowly removed all troops until they were gone by May 12th.

[B]

So, yeah.

[A]

The Mothers League of Central High called that Liberation Day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The governor blames the foreign press for all the trouble and Communists for creating race issues.

[B]

It's too easy.

[A]

And he was kind to Ed because in private, Ed espoused racist beliefs.

[B]

Right. Shocking.

[A]

And the Soviets and commie sympathizers, he said, came up with school integration.

[B]

This guy's politics age.

[A]

Great. So after Little Rock, Ed says he regrets his role and he's against segregation. And on August 4, 1959, he tries to resign.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And he says he cannot be effective as the Fifth Column was appeasing the Kremlin.

[B]

Wait a minute. I did. I thought there wasn't a Fifth Column.

[A]

You know, he believes there's a Fifth Column.

[B]

He believes there is a Fifth Column.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. Sorry.

[A]

So he, Fifth Column controlling the government.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I forgot we have a Fifth Column. The vaudeville thing really threw off my ability to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So locked in there.

[A]

But his superior is like, no, you can't resign.

[B]

Is that.

[A]

I mean, I don't know. I guess it is.

[B]

I guess, like, you're allowed to do that.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

If you are, you're still here.

[A]

I think you can in the army. I think if you try to resign in the army, like, no.

[B]

We don't pull out ever. So, no, you stay in.

[A]

His superior said he was needed to help fight Communism.

[B]

And he's like, you're right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, the Fifth Column is really exactly it.

[A]

So he was made commander of the 24th infantry at Augsburg, Germany, 12,000 soldiers. And he quickly set about making his troops aware of the communist threat.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

At one point, he sent out a Christmas card that said, quote, we are standing on the brink of a pit of hell.

[B]

Happy holidays to you and yours. Hope you get everything you want this Christmas. And if that stocking's red, you know what I'm thinking, you son of a bitch? White stockings only.

[A]

Think about what Santa wears.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Fucking.

[B]

Yeah, but he's got that lisp that I like.

[A]

Lisp?

[B]

He lisps.

[A]

Oh, sorry.

[B]

Naughty. Nice. That I like. If you're on my side. Yeah, you get a gift. And if you're a Fifth Column kid. Cool time.

[A]

He created a special Rudolph.

[B]

Okay, Go ahead. It's just that nose. Rudolph fans. I don't love it. You get one in there, and he's saying, no, I don't want to lead. We should all have the same amount. Fuck that. Leaders lead. Rudolph, he's just hammered. Leaders lead. Show that communist piece of shit reindeer. We need to compromise Donner.

[A]

He. He created a special projects office and started a lecture series called Pro Blue to warn about the Fifth Column plot.

[B]

All right. What? Okay, I'm sick of hearing him. What. What is. What does the Fifth Column mean exactly? He means that there is a secret, like, Branch or something like that.

[A]

It's a secret group within the government that is. That is working with the commies to overthrow America.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And turn communist. So we've had.

[B]

We know exactly what this is because we've heard about, like, 13 versions of it that are always talked about, but this is the Fifth Column.

[A]

It's. It's John Birch stuff, right?

[B]

Yeah. Right? Yeah. Like the. Right. The stuff you and I read and talk about a little. Right?

[A]

Yeah. It's the stuff that's. It's. The secret underlying message of this podcast is John Bircher ism.

[B]

Yeah. Hey, look, we've always been a Birch church, so.

[A]

So Ed started filling the bookshelves with far right books, like the Life of John Birch. So Ed had become a Bircher in Arkansas, and everything they do is anti Commie. They see Commie conspiracies everywhere. Communism did the civil rights movement. Communism ended school prayer. Communism made people divorce. Communism, soul porn and drugs.

[B]

Everyone's going to be a Communist.

[A]

The Bircher's belief is that the Soviet Union is a threat to the world. But the bigger threat is Commies embedded in the US Government, helped by pastors of every denomination.

[B]

Always help pastors.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What the fuck?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Secret churches.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, now that we're done with the Sunday sermon, let's do the Sunday After Dark.

[A]

And also the press, of course.

[B]

Right.

[A]

They put fluoride. They put fluoride in the water. Yes.

[B]

Made her kids stupid and now they all ebb meas. That's what you're going to say, right? Yeah, that.

[A]

That. Yeah.

[B]

Don't drink that holy water.

[A]

They put fluoride in the.

[B]

Got fluoride in the holy water.

[A]

In the water to make.

[B]

Don't eat the cracker that the. The priest is giving. You got riboflavin. There is no such thing as a gluten allergy. Kids should feed every baby peanuts. Every baby should eat peanuts.

[A]

They put fluoride in the water. In the water to hurt people's ability.

[B]

Oh, my God, I can't believe it's really that holy. I literally can. I was like, jesus, Dave, I'll keep doing it if you keep prompting it. But no, you're like, actually the same we're doing right now. Okay.

[A]

It would. It would hurt people's ability to think, so they'd be softened up for communism.

[B]

So you get people stupid enough to become communist. Oh, fuck, man. If that was the case, fluoride the shit out of you. So Ed held in a capitalist prison. That's not from the tap, is it? Use the Brita, John. Use the Brita. I think they just do this so that they can keep taking advantage of us and they turn us against each other. So, John, put your fingers down your throat. You drink. Tap.

[A]

Quick.

[B]

Lenin it. Lennon, no.

[A]

Quick. Spit the water out and rub a cat on your belly.

[B]

Spit the water in my mouth. I am a human, Britta. I feel it into you.

[A]

I filter all. I filter all water. I filter. I'm a Kennedy.

[B]

Don't you want to be as healthy as I sound?

[A]

Don't you want a big red tomato head?

[B]

Not red. Red, Ron.

[A]

Red. Bad. So Ed held a essay contest on the base called how to stop Communist infiltration of the Government.

[B]

How great would it be to just sneak in there and just be a communist? Oh, we're in here, too. He'd be like, what the fuck?

[A]

Ed approved a skit that was put on making fun of Eisenhower for negotiating with the Soviet Union. That must have been so funny. Oh, God, so funny.

[B]

I mean, you're really checking a lot of the boxes. We all want an anti communist message from the right and a guy from the military writing it.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

This is very funny, but how do I end the sketch?

[A]

He handed out a voting guide to the troops, and on that, JFK was listed as soft on communism. Now, everything I've just said is completely against army regulations.

[B]

Yeah, but again, the fifth. The fifth column. It's Very dicey. But Davey has to do this because of the Fifth Column, right?

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Which only he could see.

[A]

Who do you think made it against army regulations to say this? The Fifth Column did.

[B]

Putting that stuff out there. So you got to put on your special glasses which you can get if you send in enough UPS symbols or whatever it's called.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you could get your Fifth Column glasses.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

As you to see it.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

In April 1961, the newspaper overseas Weekly published a story on Ed's propaganda.

[B]

It feels like a paper that your like uncle would send you and be like, you see trees start fires on their own. You'd be like, all right, I'm out of here. So Ed, this is the story we're focusing on, Right. This seems strange to.

[A]

Okay, so Ed believed the Soviet space program was fake. And images, by the way, that's real.

[B]

All of it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And images of the moon were quote, very likely pictures of our own Popular Mechanics out of our own Popular Mechanics.

[B]

I was gonna say so look, that's Gus from down the way. Brake pass. He's the moon, by the way. Popular Mechanics is such a funny. Like that really should just be like Playboy for like mechanics.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Look at Dale bend over. He's all oily. I think he scratched his butt without washing his hands. His fingerprints go all the way down. Girls. Popular Mechanics. My Name's Andy. I'm 61. I smoke too much. My wife just left me. Secretly, I go home and have ferrets. Look at that, ladies. He doesn't know that bottom button's unbuttoned. And you can see that tummy rolling over that belt buckle. Popular Mechanic turn ons, tuna sandwiches. Popular Mechanics.

[A]

So when the story broke, many thought he was a dipshit.

[B]

I gotta be honest, I'm titillated at the idea that this is 1961 and he's already doing this sort of stuff. Like, yeah, there's a beautiful current coming his way.

[A]

He Ed was relieved of command and demoted to a staff job.

[B]

It's so funny because he wanted to retire. They were like, you can't. He did. And now they're like, all right. Yeah, you actually do suck. Go to the office.

[A]

Yeah. After an investigation, he was given the lightest rebuke possible, which was a verbal admonished admonishing. So that's so dumb. Yeah.

[B]

So like, I mean, because all the.

[A]

Other guys up top also believe the same anti communist stuff.

[B]

Why like that's like workplace like. Yeah. You're A verbal admonishment. Yeah. Well, that's. Your boss was like, hey, don't do that. That's work.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like, we will punish him. We'll give him a verbal admonishment. Yeah. You'll talk to him?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He'll learn.

[A]

So a very well read DC columnist went after Ed and just savaged him, calling his ideas crackpot and attack on democracy. And then right wing media said he had been silenced for his political views. And people called Jesse Waters.

[B]

The sperm started to swim. He was just in his dad's testicle at that point.

[A]

People called congressional offices to support him. An organization was created called Friends of Walker. The Texas Senate passed a resolution asking the DoD to return his command. Three different congressional hearings were set.

[B]

I guess misery loves company. So it's nice to know it's always been so stupid. But you're also like, we're never gonna get away from it.

[A]

Ed was ordered to do troop training in Hawaii.

[B]

Aw, you'll learn, boy. We're punishing you. To Kauai.

[A]

So he resigned.

[B]

That's disqualifying. Period. Getting sent to Hawaii. And you're like, I won't stand for this bullshit. He went to Arkansas and Hawaii. He's like, I'm out.

[A]

He then used a printing company run by Robert Saurey to pitch his defense. Saray was a Nazi and a friend of Nazi leader George Lincoln Rockwell.

[B]

Oh, fuck me.

[A]

In two pamphlets, Ed claimed the DoD was purging leaders because it was run by commies. And then he planned on going on a speaking tour.

[B]

How much of this do you. Do you think he. He fully believes this? To the bone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. All right. Oh, yeah, because there's some now who just say this shit just to do that.

[A]

No, he believes it.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Friends told him he should just lay low after all the hearings. Yeah, but he still went on the tour and a lot of people came out. People now want him to run for governor of Texas.

[B]

Guys, come on. No, it's not your fault, but please.

[A]

Yeah. What the fuck? What the fuck are you guys doing?

[B]

You didn't do anything. But come on, it could still happen. You know what I mean? Please just do. Be like our great governor in California and start a right wing pot or.

[A]

No, that's not right. That's. James Meredith, who was a black Air Force vet trying to get admitted to the University of Mississippi, Ole Miss, as it's called. His case is going through the courts.

[B]

What did you just do with Old Miss? Ole Miss.

[A]

University of Mississippi is called Ole Miss Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You don't like that?

[A]

It is the only place I've ever been had someone yell at me that I was a Yankee.

[B]

I was drunk. I couldn't read your hat. Is that Derek Jeter?

[A]

I was like, I'm from California. They're like, whatever.

[B]

Yankee. Yeah. Like that helps. I'm from California. Then you're just surrounded. I mean, I'm a Yankee from California, dad.

[A]

So, James Meredith, the case is going through the courts, and Ed makes Jackson, Mississippi, his third tour stop.

[B]

Won't go to Hawaii. No.

[A]

And he's greeted at the airport like a savior.

[B]

The racist Beatles are here.

[A]

He speaks to about 3,500. He mostly speaks about reconstruction and tyranny and the state having a high percentage of men and women who know how to use guns.

[B]

So tired of that show. Ooh. I'm just gonna buy a grenade. All right. I'll be fine. I'm gonna have a bag full of grenades. All right?

[A]

A bag full.

[B]

Yeah. They're gonna be all that time shooting at targets, bro. I'll just have grenades.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I can throw them.

[A]

Let's see. Let's see your. Yeah.

[B]

All right. Pin out. Put up that thing, huh? Three, two.

[A]

Oh, wait, you did. That's you pulling the pin.

[B]

No, that's right. The little clippy thing on the side. I fucking. We gotta watch some videos on how that exactly works. The pin's big. I know. The pin's a big player. I remember. I've seen Leon many times. The pin is a huge.

[A]

Hey, look at me.

[B]

No, no. Oh, come on. Yeah. Okay. Wait until the shit's hitting the fan. He'll swallow the grenade like a looney tank.

[A]

Then run at you.

[B]

That's the best move ever. What's he doing? Oh, my God. He selected bear hug. Your last words are your dad.

[A]

So Walker's closest political allies, like Strom Thurmond, people like Thurman are telling him not to run for office because he will probably lose.

[B]

I mean, if. Betty, you're a little out of line.

[A]

On February 3, he announced he was running for governor as a Democrat.

[B]

What the fuck? What's he doing here?

[A]

That's before it. Really?

[B]

Before the switcheroo. When did the switcheroo happen?

[A]

In the. With the Civil Rights act, and then. Okay. Wow.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

So there were six candidates, and Ed talked about defending the US from international communism. Quote, there are no more important posts than governorships in the Cold War.

[B]

Also. What?

[A]

That's not. That's not even remotely a thing.

[B]

Yeah, not. Imagine he was just trying to Be governor?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

On his dumb little campaign strategy. Yeah, but governors. Governors were not that important in that. You know what I mean?

[A]

No.

[B]

What are they going to do? Like. All right, well, he's not in Texas. Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Now what?

[A]

So his speeches.

[B]

Six column. Yeah, there's two more columns. No, they're building a huge arch.

[A]

So now that he's doing these speeches, some start to think of him as a future president. Papers are calling him arrogant and shouty.

[B]

Shouty?

[A]

Shouty.

[B]

Is it a word?

[A]

It is now.

[B]

Is it hyphenated?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Quote, a surly, uncontrolled bully. The fuck is your problem, you little. Yeah? Nothing. Dad.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

Don't fucking look at me. Look out there.

[B]

I said I'm sorry to my dad. He's the best. He'll be the president. It makes sense. It's not funny, sir.

[A]

He's sicking me. I wanted to have a man, and this is what I got.

[B]

I'm trying very hard. I'll work on my grenade stuff. At least I learned it's not Gurnard.

[A]

So he told Texas voters to not buy UN bonds, Don't buy UN bonds.

[B]

Were people doing that?

[A]

No, you couldn't do that. Okay, that's not a thing.

[B]

Not gonna be a problem. Sir, we can't.

[A]

He got donations from all over the country. And he warned of the possibility of Chinese troops massing on the southern border.

[B]

It's literally. What the fuck? Honey boy, what is going on? Just, like, three words. Change. Chinese. This time it'll be, how do they get there? Tunnels.

[A]

Through Mexico. They come in boats.

[B]

Boats.

[A]

Chinese boats. And then they get off and they walk across the.

[B]

That's plenty. We don't need any more than. Fine. That's. It's a little wordy, to be honest.

[A]

If elected, Walker said he'd prevent the Texas National Guard from being federalized and integrated. So that's important.

[B]

It's huge. I mean, they do important work all the time.

[A]

He was very concerned about textbooks that were questioning Christianity and the military.

[B]

Don't mess with Textus.

[A]

He often started his rallies by singing Onward Christian Soldier.

[B]

Yes. That's awesome. You're just there. Like, it's gonna be a long night. On word. Like, it was. When was his name John Ashcroft? When he would sing.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

He's like. I think he. Did he write his own song?

[A]

I think he did. Yeah, he did.

[B]

He was just like, the eagle fly. What the fuck is happening? And now we look back and we're like, that was normal. He was just up there. Eagle soaring.

[A]

A reporter asked him if women should be allowed to buy stocks without their husband's permission.

[B]

No.

[A]

No.

[B]

Matter of fact, it's a sign of lesbianism.

[A]

If a woman should be allowed to buy stocks without her husband's permission. And he said he wasn't married. So he's not familiar with the issue. How the fuck would I know? I don't have a wife.

[B]

Women are talking in these marriages. He's not married.

[A]

He's not married? No.

[B]

That's interesting.

[A]

He's married to his work.

[B]

That's interesting too. You know how these, you know, these guys play it? Oh, gays are the worst. We can't have gays. I'm in love with a man named Tom.

[A]

He was very worried about race mixing.

[B]

Even that fucking. It's not a cocktail.

[A]

That would be a good cocktail though.

[B]

It really would be race mixing.

[A]

Can I get a race mix?

[B]

Absolutely. I really love your drink. Let me pour it over some ice. Actually, I'll put it in a non ice. There we go.

[A]

Now.

[B]

We abolished it at this point part.

[A]

Now mainstream conservatives start to bail. He's too much for them.

[B]

Hilarious.

[A]

Now he testifies in his Senate hearing. And it's the first time the general public saw Ed Walker.

[B]

I'm in the army. My name is General. General public.

[A]

He read. He read an opening statement that was 31 pages.

[B]

And for a little break, I will now sing Onward Christian Soldier.

[A]

But he, he. He can barely express himself. He's a terrible speaker.

[B]

31 pages.

[A]

And then if you go on to page two, that is all about how the cat goes on the stomach to stop the measles. He fumbled for words. He couldn't answer questions. He seemed overwhelmed.

[B]

When you have a 31 page speech is crazy. Yes. It's hard for me to figure out what I was trying to say here. I did this in the Mirror earlier and it was made a lot of.

[A]

Go ahead and just read the. Just go ahead and read it off the page, General.

[B]

All right. Absolutely. From the beginning or.

[A]

Yeah. No.

[B]

Yeah or no, just.

[A]

Well, no, for that. Where you were. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. So we are looking in a direction. I don't even know what. I think they printed the wrong one. Maybe I'll just go with this though. Yeah. Unless we want to.

[A]

No, go ahead.

[B]

Okay. All right. Page three. We are.

[A]

I thought we were on page two, General.

[B]

Oh, I'll start at the top. Okay. Onward Christian Soldier.

[A]

It's great that you don't know.

[B]

I know it.

[A]

You do? Yeah, yeah, go ahead. No, go ahead. I think Everybody wants to hear. For those who are not familiar, let's hear Onward Christian Soldier.

[B]

We all live in a little house together. One by one we will be here forever. I've got one sheep and a fence. Let's talk about how cool God is in sort of intense. Onward Christian Soldier. Fight like you're moving a bo. You little guy in your little uniform. How stupid do you sound?

[A]

So his hands shook and he nervously smoked cigarettes.

[B]

He just lights the pages on fire. Oh, smoking the. Let me read the sick. All right. Camel wide light or wait. No, sorry. Oh God.

[A]

I'm here to talk about what's happening with the government.

[B]

Hour five.

[A]

He explained the calming network that ousted him. Quote, the real control apparatus will not tolerate militant anti communist leadership. He said the Kremlin put him at Ozberg to make him an easy target. And it was entrapment. And people in the Pentagon were quote, subservient to the power, influence and propaganda of the national mass media. And the State Department is a nest of traitors.

[B]

Just say the fifth column. You've got the fifth column right there, paragraph down. Fifth column.

[A]

Commies have access to our schools. A senator asked quote, you mean there is a direct connection between the State Department and high schools?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

What?

[B]

No, I don't know. Am I the governor? Did we ever find out if I. I didn't win, did I? No. Yeah, yeah. Yep, there is that.

[A]

Yeah. There was hidden campaign of fourth dimensional warfare against the U.S. quote, Every buddy, buddy.

[B]

He should have, he. This is why he needs a wife. He could have received at least someone to just be like fourth dimensional. Sounds strange. They're doing it from black holes in space.

[A]

And this is the dimension Communists are operating in different dimension.

[B]

The communists are in a different dimension.

[A]

Yeah. Think about it.

[B]

I fucking wish we had a dimension of Khan.

[A]

So after. After two whole days of testimony, he seemed pretty pathetic.

[B]

Why is he there again?

[A]

It's a hearing because the right wing got upset that he gotten fired from the German post. So the hearing is so they were watching this like, ah, we did.

[B]

He just comes out sweaty, burned. Like he's just burned cigarettes all over his body. The pages are covered in water. I think that went pretty good. Why did I keep singing? Onward Christian Soldiers.

[A]

Reporters called his accusations a figment of his imagination. The Washington Post quote, he seems to be living in a nightmare world of demons and hobgoblins.

[B]

That's so good.

[A]

H. See that.

[B]

That's what was. I mean that is just so good to just like that just cuts him down so well, be like, look, you're a little Harry Potter, baby. Get the out of here.

[A]

Harry Potter's a communist. After a reporter asked him about Nazi George Lincoln Rockwell, Ed decked him with a right hook. Then some of Ed's lady admires spat in the reporter's face.

[B]

Jesus Christ. Well, likability check.

[A]

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Gareth, I would love to.

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People are having to deal with, you know, sleeping indoors. Under the bed, in the bed, on top of the bed.

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I said in the bed, on the bed.

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You also said under the bed.

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Told me what my mom used to tell me, that every night. Look, sleep is important, and it's a really, really big part of life. It's like a third of life. So please have a good mattress. That's what we're saying. I have a good mattress. I have the dusk Lux same. It's a fantastic matrix. We both took a Helix sleep Quiz and it matches us with a perfect mattress.

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It opens it. It does not. But it. If you're scream. That is a problem. I think you have alluded to your screaming before, my dude. No, but you just. You open it and it just becomes a big, big mattress in front of you and you're set. It is the best mattress.

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And then you sleep on your baby. It's the only baby you can sleep on. It's not 120 night sleep trial and a limited lifetime warranty. Oh, it sounds so.

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[A]

Ed became the most prominent. You know I got kicked out of the Boy Scouts, right.

[B]

I don't even need to hear anymore. But I. Cub Scouts completely on their side.

[A]

I punch, I, I, I punched the dead mother's son. Which you don't get a badge for.

[B]

I was gonna say, yeah, which you should. You've got a demerit badge.

[A]

So Ed became their most prominent voice. To those who saw the Commie Threat.

[B]

Those who see the Commie threat are just. I mean, it's a great veil for racists.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And now it's just for people. I mean, it's all. It's just people who think they're losing the country. It's also a great little pulpit for, you know. But he believes it. But it's just a good little pulpit to make money off of that.

[A]

Yeah, it's. Yeah, it's fucking nonsense. So he said decisions to drop nukes should be made by generals, not the President.

[B]

I'll tell you what, in retrospect, Walk me through this pitch again. So the commies are coming, Chinese are the border.

[A]

So the appeasers, quote, magnified radiation hazards and the fear of nuclear weapons. So these little. I mean, we're all gonna die from radiation. Come on. It'll be fine.

[B]

Is that what he's saying?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

He say it'll be fine.

[A]

Yes. Ed was the model for the general in the movie Dr. Strange, love.

[B]

Oh, nice. I thought you were going to say he was the model for tight white.

[A]

Underpants and tight white underpants.

[B]

It's perfect. Just tight enough that I can't feel it and use it.

[A]

In Dr. Strangelove, the General accuses the president of treason for signing an arms agreement with Moscow. JFK saw the danger of radical righties in the highest military levels. But told the historian, quote, it won't happen on my watch. So the FBI. So the FBI starts keeping track of Edwin Walker.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Ed came in last in the Texas primary.

[B]

The Democrats of today would dominate him. That's our boy.

[A]

And he was very bitter about that. Yeah, from the book, the Insurrectionist. Quote, his speech and demeanor became increasingly odd as he spent his days writing open letters to the President and granting interviews like a genie.

[B]

What is he. Yeah, we don't want to talk to you. Come on. No. And just writing letters to the President.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who's the president now?

[A]

Jfk.

[B]

JFK is the best. Fucking tiger beating jfk. Just like Dear Jeff. Okay, look, I know we've had our differences. I'll admit you're cute, but you're really in danger. I'd love to grant you an interview. Whenever you're ready, love. No.

[A]

Sexually. Yours.

[B]

Sexily yours, Edwin. My last name escapes me.

[A]

It's Walker.

[B]

Wow. Walker.

[A]

Some said his house now looked run down and seedy. There was a hole in the dining room ceiling and. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Walker had converted the hallway into a makeshift command center.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Where else would you do it but a hallway? What's the best room for a command center in the house? A hallway.

[B]

Where's your bathroom? Walk past the dining room hall, go through the command center on your left. You can't miss it. You can't miss it. Command center. How old is he? What is he, 60?

[A]

He's not that old. No.

[B]

Okay, so he's, like, 40.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Fake little command center in his house. This is where I go in the morning to talk to the submarines.

[A]

On September 10, 1962, the Supreme Court ruled that Howard. That James Howard Meredith, the black guy, be allowed to attend Ole Miss. Well, hang on.

[B]

Celebrate the wins.

[A]

A Mississippi senator called it, quote, a judicial tyranny as black and hideous as any in the history of the United States.

[B]

You know that language was workshop.

[A]

Yes, it was.

[B]

There was, like, a room of, like, racist. Like, it was just, like, seven Stephen Millers just, like, drooling and frothing over a typewriter. Like, it's not horrible enough.

[A]

So, Governor, Mississippi Governor Barnett refused to accept his resignation and had a small army of 220 highway patrolmen and 250 fish and game wardens.

[B]

That's fucking hilarious. They were like, sir, I don't know if you.

[A]

I.

[B]

Are you. Are you worried about you?

[A]

Can I measure your fish?

[B]

Now, hold on, hold on. Have you guys been fishing illegally at somewhere where you don't have no. All right, go ahead.

[A]

See your fish.

[B]

I don't know what we can actually.

[A]

You see your fish fishing license.

[B]

We don't have any fish. We don't have a fishing license.

[A]

May I see your bear hunting license?

[B]

I'm not hunting bears.

[A]

May I see your.

[B]

No.

[A]

How big is your horse?

[B]

You can't do anything. You're just like a mall cop, but for ponds. Out of my way, dipshit. Little freeze. Say freeze. Go say that to a lake in December, dipshit. Get out of my way.

[A]

Did you pay for this campsite, sir?

[B]

Who gives a. Get out of here. What are you gonna do? Throw a fucking log at you? It was like $2 leave. Hit you with your dumb little badge. You get the same one at a drugstore store.

[A]

This, this, this, this, this, this. This creek.

[B]

This creek.

[A]

It just. Right away.

[B]

Yeah, whatever. You're like a little land Poseidon. Leave. Move. Hold on a second. Get on a golf cart. There's dudes who work at the airport who have more authority than.

[A]

Ed got on the radio to get people fired up.

[B]

I can only imagine.

[A]

He called an army of 10,000 to converge in Jackson and praise those who were ready to die. Quote, I came here to meet the Communists on their battlefield right here in Mississippi. We are at war. Men your weapons and attack the scissors.

[B]

So January 6th. Then what?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

You keep going straight, you hit a wall. Roomba, Keep going. Just go around things till you just figure it out.

[A]

The FBI said the most violent right wing groups took note. Mob stopped Meredith from getting onto campus. And the Court of Appeals said Burnett had to register him or face a $10,000 fine a day and jail. JFK federalized the National Guard, and then Ed arrived on September 29th.

[B]

These are kids from a school who believe my command center is real. Look at this guy.

[A]

He made a statement to NBC comparing the use of federal troops in Jackson into the crucifixion of Christ. At a press conference, Ed said people were coming from all over and he made the reporters stand in front of him to not take side photos.

[B]

The fucking best.

[A]

He doesn't want to be. No profile pictures. I'm a little heavy right here. So the army ordered Ed to be captured. Hey, Ed.

[B]

How's it going?

[A]

Meredith snuck onto. Was snuck onto campus the next evening. And word got out. A thousand. A thousand people masked. They're throwing bricks and bottles and Molotov cocktails. And marshals start using riot batons.

[B]

It's going to be easy to focus on school when all this is obviously cool. Can you say that one more time?

[A]

Ed is eating dinner, and then at a restaurant, and then he calmly walks over. And around this time, a New York journalist is found dead, shot in the back, and the mob gathered at a Confederate monument. Of course they did. Of course they did. They did.

[B]

I'll meet you at General Lee. If we. It's like when you take, like, kids to the mall. If we lose track.

[A]

And then Ed went over there and became their leader. And he was wearing the dark suit and his little, little white hat, and he told them to fight the marshals and to make them, quote, drop their badges. And dessert.

[B]

They were having dessert.

[A]

Yeah, boys, drop your badges and get them cheesecakes.

[B]

They're gonna make, like, a banana split. And. Wait, I fucked that one up. Hold on. I got it written down here somewhere. There's so much urine on these pages. Most of these are just pissed. What?

[A]

No, we're waiting for an order, sir.

[B]

Oh, I'll have a note to tell.

[A]

Us what to do.

[B]

Oh. Oh, well, we should get dinner at some point.

[A]

You just had dinner.

[B]

Well, I have two dinners. Normally, I'm trying to get this suit to fit a little bit better. So I've been eating two dinners. I've been skipping breakfast, and I do two dinners. I actually made a Pizza Hut in my den, so it's just past the command center.

[A]

Have you considered.

[B]

I've got the froggatorium. It's where the frogs live. It's also where I go boom, boom. Go ahead.

[A]

Have you considered a different suit?

[B]

I'd rather just eat my way out of this one. Okay. Orders. Okay. What does everyone else. 1. Is that what we're doing? Oh, wait. Yeah. All right. We need to go hard, Adam. This time we're meaning business. Oh, my God. I pissed all over this last night.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, I just pissed. I thought it would. I thought it was bad. And then I woke up today and I went not that bad depression to pissed all over it. All right. Feel good or we feel. All right, let's get out there. Let's put our hands in.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. All right. Are you guys mad at me? Cuz there's.

[A]

We're not happy.

[B]

Yeah, cuz the vibe is real bad right now.

[A]

We expected more, honestly.

[B]

Yeah, well, okay. All right. No, we're going to go. We're going to go. Got the stop. And we're not gonna stop.

[A]

What the fuck are you saying?

[B]

Well, come on. We're gonna dig deeper than the other boys. We play all four quarters in this one. And there's actually a fifth quarter that not everybody knows about.

[A]

No, no, don't touch it.

[B]

Not everybody knows about the fifth quarter. That's the moment you gotta play harder, son. Everyone take a piece of this piss page. Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna rip this piss paper up into 18 pieces and we're gonna turn them into necklaces. And when we all get together, we'll put it together in one page again and know we're the best of friends. I think that went pretty good. I'm talking that part. I should be thinking it. Hello.

[A]

So. All the. All the highway patrolmen stood down or helped the rioters, which. That allows carloads of men to enter from elsewhere.

[B]

And the fishing and gaming unit was like, if anyone wants to go, just take salmon. Yes.

[A]

The St. Louis Dispatch. Quote, when word of Walker's identity spread, people moved toward him as if attracted by a magnet. It was as if he played some magic. Some magic music on a flute. So eager were these people to see him.

[B]

They're saying he's like a racist Pied Piper.

[A]

Yes. Yes. He commanded men, and he's now coordinating the riot. He asked the sheriff to deputize him. And the sheriff was like, no.

[B]

All right. Will you baptize me? You can do it right here. I pissed in my hat.

[A]

The mob was 800 men. And Ed yelled, quote, don't let up now. You will win in the end.

[B]

Such a Bannon.

[A]

And he pushed students who were injured to continue fighting.

[B]

He pushed students who are injured to keep fighting for him.

[A]

Yeah, to keep fighting the fighting. The battle. It's a battle.

[B]

Absolutely it is.

[A]

The monument was described as the command post. Quote, you must be prepared for possible death. And if you're not willing to pay the price, go home.

[B]

It would just be great to, like, all these people who are like, fuck, yeah. Just for one person to be like, guys, this is his pretend control tower in his hallway. What? Is that real? Well, kind of. No, it's practical. I practice on it. That's how I got so good. Trust me. It's like how a DJ just, you know, takes two pillows and pretends to dip it.

[A]

Scratch em.

[B]

That's what I do in my hallway.

[A]

But it's in a hallway.

[B]

It's in a hallway right near my bathroom. Before my bedroom in the morning, I make coffee and I sit at it. Not for too long, just like eight or nine hours. I pull a full shift. And when I have to go to the bathroom, I put two cats on the Chair. And then they watch it. I'm doing good.

[A]

Ed told riders to break into the power plant to shut off the lights.

[B]

All right, here's what we're gonna do.

[A]

Lights out, boys.

[B]

Boys. Jumping through those smokestacks, boys. Hold your breath, too. They're pretty bad.

[A]

He had the mob advance at the marshals and tear gas drove them back. Cars were set on fire.

[B]

The terrorism.

[A]

The national guard arrived at 11:30pm and they were met with bricks, mall puff cocktails and gunfire.

[B]

The bricks guys were like, oh, we've really upgraded since this morning. Didn't realize we were doing guns and fire.

[A]

The mob took over cars like a. And vehicles like a fire truck and a bulldozer. And they attacked with them. More teas, more tear gas repelled them. Klansmen from all over began arriving.

[B]

Ah, here we go. There we go. Talk about cosplayers.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey, I heard you have a pretty cool control center in your house. So me and Duke would love to come over and kind of play with the knobs at some point, if that's cool.

[A]

Is there a Cyclops seat?

[B]

Yeah, we'll bring a bunch of diet Dr. Brad Pee and goldfish and stuff. Could make a day out of it. I got a pretty good fake helicopter in my garage. Only thing I can't get is the thing that makes it fly. Well, you don't need that part at all.

[A]

A man was killed. He was just watching everything. It was shot.

[B]

Well, I mean, I'm not saying that guy deserved it, but. Scooter.

[A]

Yeah?

[B]

Fuck you doing? Yeah, this was good. The riders are up by 7. I did not see this coming.

[A]

Well, now it was getting a little crazier because all these Klansmen were arriving, so most students stopped and went inside.

[B]

Smart.

[A]

So it's all pretty much outside agitators at this point. And the governor said the state would never surrender because a black guy wants to go to school. It's just so insane.

[B]

The state will never surrender.

[A]

Three thousand soldiers arrived, and at 5am the campus was under federal control. And Meredith was registered at 8am and because of that, the governor ordered the state flag flown at half. It's just. They're just so pathetic. You can't even. It's just a level of pathetic you didn't think was possible.

[B]

No, you kind of can't process it.

[A]

Honestly, it's crazy.

[B]

Like what? Well, you know what to do. What we do when there is a tragedy, the flag goes half up.

[A]

Cool.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

166 marshals were injured, 29 had been shot. 48 soldiers injured at the courthouse square. A mob gathered. So this is in the morning now.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And Ed once again takes a commanding position and tells.

[B]

This is like what he was at his command center, jacking off to all those years. Just like then. They'll listen to me and I. They'll be ready and I'll say, we got to go get. We got to go get him. Let me get my dial rag. It's going to be so good if that happens. Oh, Jesus Christ. The cleaner was here.

[A]

No, I've been here the whole time.

[B]

Well, yeah, dust, dust some stuff. And then you might want to clean these dials. Someone spilled rubber cement all over them.

[A]

So Ed takes up a commanding position and tells men to throw bricks and bottles at passing cars.

[B]

So that's like literally what the bad kid says to do. Just like the good son. Throw bottles at cars that'll show him to let a black guy into college.

[A]

An infantry advanced, and Ed ran.

[B]

I never really actually thought about how infant and infantry makes so much sense until now. Little crying children.

[A]

Ed ran for his car. The crowd cheered him like a baseball hero. After the home run that won the game, he drove off, but was quickly stopped at a roadblock and arrested. He was charged with seditious conspiracy, impeding federal office officers and inciting and engaging in an insurrection. Bail was $100,000. Ed told reporters, quote, they don't have a thing on me.

[B]

Yeah, well, they don't have a billion things on me.

[A]

Ed was taken to a federal medical center in Missouri and held in the psychiatric wing.

[B]

See, okay, I'm all for going back to the. The days of when you were like, you know, there were the mentis compass part of all of this was a big part like where you go, oh, yeah, maybe someone that doesn't go directly to this guy should go directly to jail. You do all that shit that is above like you.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

That's like. Like Hitler at, like, Nuremberg. They'd just be like, well, let's do the Rorschach on him and see what we get away, you know, Bro, you cross the fucking line. Sorry about that. It's over. You're done.

[A]

I don't know why I had to drink drag Hitler into this.

[B]

What did I ever do?

[A]

A judge ordered him to Undergo exams for 60 to 90 days to see if he was fit for trial. So I think that's why they didn't want him getting out. They wanted to get him on a.

[B]

Medical hold so that when he goes to trial, they put him Away versus.

[A]

Well, no, because he could just. If you just sent him to prison, could just get out on bail.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So they. They wanted medical. Yeah. So his lawyer told Ed to only give his rank and serial number. By the way, my lawyer is also nuts.

[B]

Hello, I'm the lawyer. I met Ed at a command center I have in my house. He's my best friend.

[A]

Quote the same as any American soldier who has been captured. Ed said he was being lynched by examination on the fucking. The chief psychiatrist for prison said Ed had a deep seated paranoia.

[B]

Nuh, you do, unless you know who's coming after me. Was that something someone asked you to say?

[A]

His bail was. No, I was wrong. His bail was reduced on August 6 to 50,000 and his mommy got him out. Thank you, mommy.

[B]

Did you bring the peanut butter banana sandwich like I think? And some road milk.

[A]

But part of being released was that he had to do a two day evaluation so that that therapist was like.

[B]

Going into the room like.

[A]

It's insane. Sing.

[B]

All right, Ed, how was your break? Pretty good. I took one of my nails off again just so I knew I had him.

[A]

Reporters and fans surrounded him at the airport in Dallas. And as he was hustled away, they sang. For He's a jolly good fellow.

[B]

Which. Which only the court can deny. Which only the court can deny. My new fucking favorite thing to do is when things are completely off kilter. Just sing. For He's a Jolly good fellow. Just the saddest moment of someone's life. Staring down the barrel of reality. Just like for he. Okay, all right, sorry, you're right. We're pretty done here. Yeah.

[A]

Ed was found competent to stand trial, but he never had a trial because an all white jury in Oxford did not indict him and the charges were dismissed. Wow.

[B]

Well, what do you want? You can find we've got a history of allowing sedition.

[A]

People who had known Ed said he changed after Korea and then got even worse after Little Rock. And his belief that anti Christian forces were trying to destroy America grew. He still had a lot of backers though. When visiting the Mississippi House of Representatives, they gave him a standing ovation. He was the hyper mask.

[B]

Honestly. We should try like we. What we should do is we should try to like start trade. Like all the, like, you know, Greenland, Canada. Start throwing. Be like, we'll throw Mississippi. And if you guys interested in getting Miss like we should get. Mississippi's like a lemon. We should be like, take Mississippi, we'll give it to you. Like try to give it to Europe or Something.

[A]

What do we. Oh, but what do we get?

[B]

Nothing. We get nothing. It's just like a fucking we. We. It's just like getting a car that's like killing the grass off our lawn. Like, it's just like someone who's like, yeah, I'll go work on it for a little while. Be like, fuck it, Go ahead. You know, someone's like, give me a happy meal. Be like, fuck, yes. Fucking go. Yeah, please. Take this. Take it.

[A]

So he's like the hyper masculine type that the right loves, and he was pushing this tough guy image. Now evangelist Billy James Hargis approached Ed to pitch that they go on tour together to learn about commies and the un so the Tor idea would be to push that America's and Christianity's survival were threatened by globalist sex education, socialism, and integration. So they started the tour, this idea.

[B]

Of cutting out sex education for so long, when right now, the most powerful man in our government is someone who males loads to women to put in themselves. Like, we avoided for, like, being like, we don't want to hear the word vagina in schools. And Elon Musk is like, yeah, send it to her. I met her on Twitter. Oh. If you're wondering why I do it, because I had a botched penis thing surgery.

[A]

So they certainly. The tour in February 1963, it was called Operation Midnight Ride, after Paul Revere.

[B]

Who you were just alluding to is fake. Like that story of.

[A]

Yeah, there was another person there no one talks about. Ed was a terrible speaker, but the best. But the crowds still grow.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Up to 6,000.

[B]

Well, when you watch, like, CPAC, you're never like, wow, no, I know we're in trouble. You're like, what the Was that? Like a clown? A dude.

[A]

In Ohio, a TV reporter got too close and. And they got into a shoving match. Ed was combative with the press and was upset when they were around. At a luncheon, he shoved a TV news cameraman to the ground. His behavior was getting worse and worse still. Crowds yelled, Walker for president. The John Birch Society called him the greatest thing living American.

[B]

By the way, you can just drop the living. That's like, such a weird qualifier.

[A]

Yeah. On April 10, 1963, he sat at a desk at home when a bullet shot from a rifle hit the wall three inches above his head. He moved just before the shot.

[B]

Ed.

[A]

Blame Fidel Castro.

[B]

Game over. How quickly did you run to that command center after that? Mayday, mayday, I'm under fire from Castro. Mayday, mayday. This is what we've trained for in the hallway. Meet me in the basement. All animals meet in the basement for all points bulletin. Hurry. The basement. The basement. All right, it's just me and the moths.

[A]

He talked often of the UN's plan to subjugate America. D.C. traders would hand the u. S. Military over to godless UN generals. Our soldiers would be, quote, de americanized and unized. There was a meditation room at the un, proof that it was anti christian.

[B]

It's like literally take 10 more minutes and you can beat that. Like, that is the first pitch. You don't feel like there's a room where they meditate? No. You could very easily just make it.

[A]

Up, just be like, well, but that's satanic stuff. If they're meditating and they're not praying to God, then it's Satan worship.

[B]

I would find in 10 minutes I would push it for, you know, I would just be like, look, they have a room that you can't go into. That's obviously where they hide the demons and the devils. You know, instead of just being like, they have a meditation room, they have mats.

[A]

So you're pro meditation.

[B]

I'm not saying that in Texas.

[A]

He also said that the UN had torture chambers in the basement.

[B]

Well, that we know.

[A]

Also, coins collected by kids on Halloween for unicef were given to Fidel Castro.

[B]

Well, that, by the way, fucking next year, walk around the houses in your neighborhoods with your kids with little boxes and say, it's for Cuba. This is for del Castro. This is for the Castro family.

[A]

The American association for the UN offices in Encino was firebombed. Ed now wondered aloud if JFK would survive his first term.

[B]

Oh, fuck me.

[A]

Quote, he certainly wouldn't survive his second. Wow. He asked the FBI to investigate mad magazine.

[B]

In the back of it, it says if you fold it together, it's supposed to make a different image. I've never been able to get that image properly.

[A]

He claimed their articles had hidden meanings and even their ads shit on the military. He then sued the AP for damages for falsely stating he led the old Ms. Riot. Quote, I am convinced the AP's report was written in Washington and not by a 20 year old on the campus grounds.

[B]

This playbook is so fucking good.

[A]

He won. He won $800,000 in damages.

[B]

The Texas jury, the upgrade, he's like, now I have a command garage. You'll regret this. Everybody look at all the buttons and knobs in here. Now.

[A]

The Texas jury concludes. The Texas jury concluded the 21 year old reporter had lied. Ed said that was proof the entire country believed the news was false and one sided. But then the judge tossed out the punitive damages, which took it down to 500,000. But he still got 500,000. The AP appealed and the Texas Supreme Court upheld the jury's decision. But the U.S. supreme Court threw it out. That whole thing took three years, but that whole. But that was obviously part of a commie plot.

[B]

Well, they're the fifth column.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So he got nothing.

[A]

Yeah, he ended up getting nothing. In the summer of 63, Ed and his people decided to make things difficult for JFK during his upcoming visit to Dallas.

[B]

Someone.

[A]

Do you guys got it? Do you guys know something we don't know?

[B]

Jesus Christ. The day it happened, he must have just been like, we should get the fuck out of here.

[A]

So before he came, he sent UN Ambassador Adlai Stevenson to Dallas for UN Nations Day.

[B]

Adelaide.

[A]

And Adelay found angry protesters and Ed spoke at the opposing United States Day rally. Jesus Christ. So fucking same shit.

[B]

It's the same shit, but it's also very. It's. What's enjoyable is it's like, oh, there's other stupid titles. The United States.

[A]

A guy named. A guy named Lee Harvey Oswald was at the rally that night. Stevenson spoke and Ed's supporters heckled him. And then fist fights broke out in the audience after a woman hit Stevenson in the head with a picket sign. And people spat on him. And he asked, quote, are these human beings or animals?

[B]

Animals. Wait.

[A]

End quote. Adelaide got what's coming to him. Only a little man would turn a national protest into a personal affront.

[B]

Dude, it's the projection that drives. I don't do your shit. Whatever. It's all over anyway. It's the projection. You did that, you know, The Democrats did January 6th. You're just like, shoot me.

[A]

So the city council mayor apologized for the behavior of the righties. Due to the apologies, Ed hung the American flag outside of his house upside down for days. Now Adlai Stevenson went back to D.C. and told JFK going to Dallas was very risky due to all the extremists. Quote, quote. There was something very ugly and frightening about the atmosphere. But that turned out not to be true, obviously.

[B]

Yeah, people are so paranoid.

[A]

The Kennedys came for a five day Texas trip. President doesn't make it. He was shot in the head. Yeah, sorry, I'm glossing over that part, but that he doesn't make.

[B]

I don't think you're really glossing over that part.

[A]

He gets shot in the head. I remember Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested and then killed by Jack Ruby. While in custody, Oswald's wife had known her husband was the one who tried to shoot Ed. He had planned it for months and said killing Ed was like killing Hitler before he took power.

[B]

Whoa, what the fuck?

[A]

So he's the one who shot it. Ed. In his house.

[B]

What? Yeah, we need a minute, David.

[A]

And that's the one he missed. He called Oswald, had called Ed America's leading fascist. So now Ed becomes part of jfk, Assassination conspiracy. Conspiracy theories. And he's very vocal about heading jfk. So a lot of people think he's behind it.

[B]

Right?

[A]

And he holds a press conference to say. He says Fidel Castro had chosen Oswald. And many believe Ed and his right friends had fueled Kennedy hatred, which. Which had led to his death. And a lot of people consider Dallas a city of hate. A lot of people here believe that. Think about it. If you're listening in Dallas, have a look at yourself. Ed said, that's exactly what Castro wanted. The FBI connected Ed to a right wing militant extremist group called the Minutemen. He was in contact with their leaders in several states. And Klan factions wanted Ed to lead a revolution in 1965 at a We the White People rally.

[B]

Oh, my God. A wtwp. We the White People.

[A]

Yeah. Ed was offered the position of Grand Dragon of Texas.

[B]

I accepted.

[A]

He passed on the offer because he said he was trying to repair his reputation. Look, I got a new PR guy and he says.

[B]

He says me in a little more of a less Grand Dragon sort of direction. I love what you guys do. And if you ever need me to do a fundraiser or something.

[A]

In July 1966, he was the keynote speaker for the Americans for the Preservation. Preservation of the White race in Mississippi.

[B]

Jesus Christ. We're not polar bears. We need to. This. We're good. Okay? We don't. It's not a worry anymore. All right, Panthers, we gotta worry about that. Okay? It's not white people. And it would be great if it was to just have like a few in a zoo. Just like four in a zoo. Like. No, I hope that. Brad. Shelly, today we really need more. He just keeps watching Hulu, though. Wait, he's doing something? Oh, God. I think he's just using doordash. What is he doing? He's ordering more Taco Bell. Why did we give him that prop phone?

[A]

He was now saying things like.

[B]

They're flashing the light. So I've been trying to.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. He was now saying things like, quote, hitler didn't declare war on Us, we declared war on him.

[B]

We just. Plymouth rocked Hitler.

[A]

For some reason, his popularity. Popularity started to massively go down in this late 60s. Then in June 23, 1976, Ed hit on an undercover vice cop in a Dallas park bathroom where they're.

[B]

Knew it. Always.

[A]

Always, always, always.

[B]

I just have a wide stance. Yeah, always.

[A]

Yeah. They are raised in this strict religious family and they're gay, and so they hate themselves. So they destroy the world.

[B]

Yes, yes. And we have to suffer the consequences.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Just. If he could just. He's just sitting there, like, controlling all these knobs in his hallway while he's just got, like, one kind of phallic, like Shaft, where he's just like, all right, Commander. And we're just bringing that in right now to help you out there a little bit. And we'll sort of. Don't worry about that. We're modulating as much as we can. We see where you are. You're in a good position right now. You're in a. You're in a great position. Hopefully you guys will be able to figure it out. We don't want to send you guys too far down. We don't want to sit too far down without any. Any control. We just want to. We shouldn't. We can't. We shouldn't. We're on a.

[A]

So the under undercover vice cop said that Ed had, quote, fondled his genitals.

[B]

You gotta love how far the vice cop let it go.

[A]

Go ahead, unbutton that.

[B]

You know, it's like if you're undercover, you're just like. Well, I don't even understand what that means. Means something like that.

[A]

Ah.

[B]

What do you mean? All right, you're under arrest. Oh, shit. I shouldn't have fought. Aw.

[A]

He said that since I'm kicking in for commies. He said that since the Supreme Court let the AP say whatever they wanted, he, quote, can be libeled at will. Eight months later, he was arrested in a park bathroom for trying to get sex from an undercover cop. Fucking ap. Just two months before, 4X students said Billy James Hargis had sex with them at his American Christian college in Tulsa. Hargis always portrayed himself as very masculine, so.

[B]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

Look at him.

[B]

I know. Yeah, for sure, for sure. Yeah, for sure. He looks like he, like, manages a pie eating contest.

[A]

Ed tried to make a living doing speeches. Reporter Harry Ashmore said he was like a, quote, wandering segregationist minstrel. Now, Since he resigned from the army, he couldn't get a pension and was broke. And no one gave him Any donations? Now he was bitter and forgotten. The Dallas Times Herald said his house. The Dallas Times Herald said his house was now known for its front yard billboard facing the street.

[B]

You imagine trying to sell that house just like it's a two bedroom, two bath, one control room downstairs.

[A]

Billboard out front. In 1978, he moved out of the 14 room home he had rented since 1961. In 1983, the army restored his pension. 45,000 a year. The army said he was, quote, a truly dedicated American soldier who firmly believed that insufficient, efficient action was being taken within the military establishment to combat the threat of communism. I guarantee you that was Pat Buchanan. I guarantee it was bad Buchanan. Ed said, quote, I got everything back. He died at 83 on. He died at 83 on Halloween in 1993. The Dallas. The Dallas observer wrote, quote, in obscurity. He had been silent so long, most thought he was already dead.

[B]

And if Lee Harvey Oswald had gotten involved a little earlier.

[A]

Yeah. The main source of this is Peter Adams, the Insurrectionist, Major General Edwin A. Walker and the birth of the Deep State conspiracy.

[B]

Well, fuck me. Congratulations. Listen, we gotta get out of here. Thank you guys so much for coming. If you're a vip, stay in your seats. They're gonna take you somewhere else.

[A]

Austin.

[B]

Thank you guys for coming out. We appreciate it. Truly appreciate it. Thank you very much. Oh, hello there, doll heads. It's Gareth Reynolds. I want you to join the Gare force and come and see me do stand up on the road. I will be in Spokane, Washington, February 4th. I will be in Bend, Oregon, February 5th, Portland, the 6th and the 7th. Then I will be in Bakersfield, California, February 27th for two shows. And then. Oh, boy. April, here we go. April 19th, I'll be in Albuquerque, Tulsa on April 21st. Oklahoma City, April 22nd. Dallas, April 23rd. Gonna try to see a viral chiropractor that day, but that's neither here nor there. I'll be in Tyler, Texas, April 24th. I didn't even know that. I'll be in Houston April 25th for two shows. I'll be in Austin at Cap city on the 26th, and then the 28th. I will be rounding it out in San Antonio at lol. Oh, my gosh. And I'll be in Tucson, Arizona. That's rounding it out. Go to garethreynolds.com for tickets and information. Also prizes. We're giving away a bunch of trucks and stuff over there if you just log on. And legally that's not binding. But go to garethreynolds.com love you.