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- [00:00]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Coming up on this episode of the Dr. Hyman Show. It wasn't career achievement. It wasn't exercise. It wasn't a healthy diet that determined the quality and happiness of your life. It was good relationships. Good relationships keeps us healthier and happier.
- [00:17]
The holidays are supposed to be joyful, but for many of us, they're stressful. Between travel, family, busy schedules and late nights, our bodies burn through magnesium fast. Magnesium is responsible for over 600 processes in the body, including sleep, muscle relaxation, mood and stress response. Most of us are deficient without even knowing it. That's why I take Magnesium Breakthrough from Bioptimizers. It has all seven essential forms of magnesium in one capsule so your body can actually absorb and use it. This holiday season, give your body what it needs to feel calm and sleep better. Visit bioptimizers.com hymen and use code HYMAN to save 15% before we jump into today's episode, I want to share a few ways you can go deeper on your health journey. While I wish I could work with everyone one on one, there just isn't enough time in the day. So I've built several tools to help you take control of your health. If you're looking for guidance, education and community, check out my private membership the Hymen Hive for live Q&As, exclusive content and direct connection. For real time lab testing and personalized insights into your biology, visit Function Health. You can also Explore my curated doctor trusted supplements and health products@doctor hyman.com and if you prefer to listen without any breaks, don't forget you can enjoy every episode of this podcast ad free with Hyman plus. Just open Apple Podcasts and tap Try free to start your seven day free trial. What do the longest living and most joyous people in the world have in common? Well, they all share one common trait. A sense of belonging, of community, of connection. You know, when we have a tribe to leave on, when we are connected to others, we have a sense of belonging. When we feel there's a worth outside of ourselves, we can really tap into an incredible array of our own inner pharmacy. Not the doctor's pharmacy, but our own inner biochemistry lab in our brain that regulates so much of our health. So when we're talking about today, it's how the strength of our relationships is one of the key factors, maybe the key factor in determining longevity. I'll just say a quick story about a community I might have mentioned before, but it's a Rosetta, Pennsylvania and it was read about this years ago in one of deepak Chopra's books. And they found that there was this tribe of. Not tribe, a community of Italians that came over en masse from Italy, from this little town, Italy. And they were, you know, all different levels of society, wealth and, you know, achievement and success, at least monetarily. And. But they all came over. But the thing that was unique about them was that they had a deep sense of community. And no matter what station life you were or who you were, everybody celebrated everything together. All the holidays, all the birthdays and the weddings and the funerals, and everything was in community. And then when they came to the States, they adopted the same crappy lifestyle habits as Americans, but they didn't die at the same rate because they had this sense of connection. Now, we know a lot about this research because.
- [03:10]
One of the biggest factors in terms of your risk for premature death is loneliness. Being lonely and socially isolated is equivalent to smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. That's really serious. So biological aging, as a result of all of our stressors and our psychological stressors and relational stressors, our lack of connection is really important. Lack of physical touch, lack of intimacy plays a huge role. Not lack of being understood and seen and witnessed plays a huge role in so much of the ailments that we're suffering. Not just mental illness, but also physical illness and our longevity. So this whole idea of sociogenomics, I actually came up with this term years ago when I was in Haiti. And then it became part of medical literature. Not because of me, because other people also started glomming onto it. And it was this idea that our social relationships and our social networks may be more important than our genetic connections in determining our health and our health outcomes. And that our lifestyle certainly influences our genes, but so does our social connections. Our relationships influence our gene expression. And it's really not an abstract theory or notion. It literally is biology. Our thoughts, our beliefs, our relationships all drive real changes that we can measure in our gene expression that control inflammation, stress hormones. So for example, you're having a conversation with somebody, if it's a loving, connected, intimate conversation, your anti inflammatory genes will turn on you, your healing and repair genes will turn on. Whereas if you're in a conflictual relationship or a conversation with somebody, you're going to have your stress hormones increase, you're going to have inflammation increase, you're going to increase all sorts of bad things in your body that are produced by your body that cause harm. So we have huge, huge, huge motivation, I think, to focus as a key part of our health strategy and just life happiness strategy A, a deep sense of community and making sure we build that. So our social connections, our community, our relationships all are associated with long lifespan, with a better mental health, with improved physical health and things like blood pressure, waist circumference, body mass, inflammation. Now I was in Icaria and Sardinia, which are two of the blue zones in the quiet peninsula. And one of the things these communities have in common, where people live to be longer than anywhere else. And I wrote a lot about this in Young Forever. My new book was the Power of Community. They all were part of this fabric and they all had their place, they all had their role, they all had a meaning and purpose. Even if you're 100 years old. I remember Julia was 103 months, she said, and she basically was still working at 100 years old making all sorts of wedding accoutrements like doilies and little lace things. I don't know what they do or in Italy, but it was kind of cool. She was constantly working and making stuff for all these weddings and was still involved in the community life. So I want to share a little bit about a study that kind of reflects the power of this. And it was an 80 year study called the Harvard Study of Adult Development. And it had been producing data on so many different things on, on who lives longer, happier, healthier lives. And they wanted to understand not what makes people sick, but what makes people thrive, what makes them well. So what were the lessons from this study was 84 year study, right long study. They were tracking the same people and over generations asking thousands of questions, hundreds of measurements to find out what really makes people healthy and happ. And these people are giving regular updates on their life, their health, their income, their employment, their marital status. They filled out questionnaires and were part of interviews where they revealed their fears and their hopes, their disappointments, their accomplishments or regrets, life satisfaction and lots more. And this had a really incredible impact by providing lots of data.
- [06:57]
Then researchers use this data to assess how people's lives, their experiences, their attitudes affect their well being. One of the things that was so powerful from this study was sort of surprising. It wasn't career achievement, it wasn't exercise, it wasn't a healthy diet that determined the quality and happiness of your life. It was good relationships. Good relationships keeps us healthier and happier. That was powerful. And the study's leaders that are, I mean, obviously the people who started the study are dead. The current leader of the study, Robert Waldinger from Harvard and Mark Schultz have a new book. It's called the Good Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness. And it's a great book. I actually had Robert Waldinger on the podcast the Doctor's Pharmacy, and you can learn more about the book and things there. But what are the things that we can do? What are the lessons learned from the study about how do we improve the quality of our relationships? First, we have to look at ourselves, right? Who are we? What is our life like? What are the choices we're making? How are we not prioritizing relationships? So we can get really busy. We can do all sorts of stuff that we think is helping us get ahead. We can spend too much time on social media, but we often don't really think about building and investing in the quality and the number of our relationships. And for me, I know as personally that my relationships, my friendships, my community is the most important thing for me. It really is what keeps me grounded, keeps me healthy, keeps me happy. And then more and more as I get older, I focus more on this as opposed to, like, when you have kids in a career and you try to just kind of get by. And it's like sometimes friends can fall by the wayside, but it's really important to find and it even can be just one or two good friends. It makes a huge difference. Now.
- [08:50]
When, when these people in the study actually were interviewed, they really, actually benefited from this interview because it helped them realize where they neglected their relationships. And then they considered sort of looking, finding, well, how can we improve that? So maybe look at your own life. What's your social life like? What are the. Who are the people in your life that you care most about that you. That you want to have a relationship? Think about how they support you and how often you spend time together and maybe do a little bit of effort to actually focus on what matters to you most and help you make decisions that actually can enhance the quality and number of your relationships. So maybe spend more time with people who, who make you laugh and who elevate you and less time with people who drain you and. Or, you know, energy saps. So I, you know, I think it's important to find friends and community members that help bring you up and not take you down. You know, sometimes you meet with people, all you want to do is complain and go on and on about everything. And I think there, you know, there are other people who you. When you're around them, you laugh, you have fun, you play, and it's just, that's what you want.
- [09:53]
You know, prioritize Your relationships we schedule in exercise, we make ourselves maybe time to make a healthy diet. We focus on our career and work, but we don't focus on prioritizing those relationships that matter and being, showing up and being present for us. Rather than zoning out on social media, you know, rather than like, you know, doing a million things at once, focus on, on your relationships. You know, during COVID I, I think we all felt a little isolated. And so I reached out to about six of my close male friends and we all have known each other for 40, often plus years, maybe 35. The small, the fewest, I think was 25 years. And so we, we've known each other and we group and every, every Tuesday at 6:00, we meet for an hour and a half and spend time together and share about our lives. And it's been one of the most impactful things I've done. And it's something you can do. It doesn't take any organization. You just need a zoom link or, you know, it's really pretty easy. And you can have these deep connections and relationships that, that allow you to be seen and known and can really help activate so many healing pathways in your body.
- [11:04]
Make time to talk to people, right? And it came in sometimes with small relationships that matter. But a study in the University of Kansas found that the simple act of just reaching out to somebody, a friend, for conversation once a day dramatically increases happiness and lowers their stress hormones. So hanging out with friends lowers your stress hormones pretty good. And also it's not all about you, right? So take time to ask questions, find out what's exciting for them. Find out, find out what they're struggling with. Find out what makes them happy. Have them share their life with you and value their opinions. Be present, focus and don't, don't just kind of be superficial with them, but go deep. So maybe try to have one conversation a day and put that in your calendar and see what the effects will be over time. Super important. Next thing is be kind. You know, my grandmother used to ask my mother when she came home and said, I met this new friend. She says, are they kind of. And I think kindness was such an important value in my family and how do we be kind to each other? And you know.
- [12:05]
You know, the relationship happiness is determined by how you are in that relationship. And there was a research study in Michigan State that looked on data for 2,500 married couples and they found they were, you know, how good they were in five different dimensions. Were they extroverts, were they agreeable Were they conscientious? Were they stable emotionally? Were they open to doing new things and experiences? And the ones who had higher levels of agreeableness and emotional stability also had higher happiness. So the more kind of kind and positive you were, the more likely you were to be happy. So.
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People invest a lot of time in finding someone who's perfectly compatible, but that might not be the whole story. It's more about being kind to the people you care about and fostering those deep connections. Also.
- [12:59]
A friend of mine had a word that I really loved, which is called cop to itiveness, which is where you cop to it. If you screw up, if you make a mistake, you cop to it. And it's really about learning to apologize, learning to repair relationships, learning how to have nonviolent communication, and owning your stuff, like I said. Also, a great way to build relationship is to ask questions. Instead of talking about yourself, ask questions about somebody. Show that you care, show that you're interested and what they care about or thinking about. If someone wants advice, don't just give them your opinion. Ask them questions to guide them to the right answer that they know themselves. Also, don't be shy about expressing your love. There are lots of ways to love and lots of ways to express it. Maybe it's simple things. You know.
- [13:50]
I had a flight that came in the other night late, and I usually take the Uber home. And my partner, she showed up unexpected and picked me up at the airport. It was like, just brought me such joy and delight. It was such a simple thing, you know, within 10, 15 minutes from the airport here. And it wasn't a big deal for her, but it made a huge difference in terms of my own happiness and it was really powerful. So help, help your friends with a project. You know, ask them what they need to do, whether it's clean up the garage or work on a project together.
- [14:19]
You know, call an old friend. Maybe they haven't heard from you a while. Maybe you just want to check in on them, ask them how they're doing. Maybe you want to focus on.
- [14:31]
Helping somebody who's trying to do something that may be difficult for them, trying to support them and give them some love. Also, when you have a partner or a close friend.
- [14:41]
Do little acts of kindness. Give them a little gift, buy them something they like. Give them something that makes them smile. Can be super simple.
- [14:50]
When you often.
- [14:53]
Don'T do these acts kind of life just it's a little bit flatter. And when you do them, it's super fun. Like, like I Said my partner picked me up at the airport. It was like, wow, you know, I got that. She really cared. Also, tell people how they you feel about them. Don't wait till their eulogy to tell them all the things you like about them. Be specific. Give people feedback about what you love about them, what you like about them, what makes you happy, how you feel in their presence. Who would you be without them? You know, who would you, who would you be now that you're with them? What do they inspire you to do and thank them for what they do and how they show up for you? Don't be shy. Like I said, don't wait till someone's dead to write a eulogy about them. It's better to have eulogies when you're alive. And I actually had a friend group where we would get together and on people's birthdays we would basically go around and for everybody's birthday we would share a little bit about what they're like and what we, what we like about them, what we love about them, something that inspires us about them. And it's like, it's like getting a living eulogy. It's pretty awesome.
- [16:02]
The holidays are supposed to be joyful, but for many of us, they're stressful. Between travel, family, busy schedules and late nights, our bodies burn through magnesium fast. Magnesium is responsible for over 600 processes in the body, including sleep, muscle relaxation, mood and stress response. Most of us are deficient without even knowing it. That's why I take Magnesium Breakthrough from bioptimizers. It has all seven essential forms of magnesium in one capsule so your body can actually absorb and use it. This holiday season, give your body what it needs to feel calm and sleep better. Visit bioptimizers dot coman and use code hyman to save 15%.
- [16:45]
Radha Agrawal
We are literally born inside of a mother's womb. So we are born inside, right? We're born in community. And without, without it we cannot surv or thrive, right? And it's so clear that our lack of belonging or isolation is the actual essential issue that ladders down to every other societal problem that we are facing today. So gun violence, unpack that for us.
- [17:09]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Because it's a big statement that loneliness is a cause of so many of.
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Radha Agrawal
Societal ills of every societal illness. So obesity epidemic, our lack of so. So.
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Dr. Mark Hyman
So tell us how each one does obesity. Because.
- [17:21]
Radha Agrawal
Because. So. So being socially isolated is as harmful to your physical health as being an alcoholic and twice as harmful as obesity because cellularly, right, we end up storing more. And again, you're the doctor here. But as there's so much sort of knowledge around and studies around when you don't belong, all of a sudden your cellular reactions become slower, you're metabolizing food less fast. And there's actually a lot of studies that I've read around, around that maybe.
- [17:50]
Dr. Mark Hyman
You'Re depressed and anxious and using food as your source of.
- [17:52]
Radha Agrawal
Well, that too, of course, that too. But it actually sets off a cellular chain reaction. Our lack of belonging and isolation sets off this sort of cellular chain reaction that sort of slows down our metabolism as well. But also, you know, every aspect. Anxiety and depression. You know, one in three college students are anxious or depressed today. One of the reasons we launched Daybreak on college campuses.
- [18:21]
My fiance's little brother, three of his best friends commit suicide in college. And turns out it's.
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What's the word? It's contagious.
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And so he.
- [18:35]
Dr. Mark Hyman
It's true. Both positive and negative behaviors are contagious.
- [18:38]
Radha Agrawal
Absolutely. Exactly. And so we looked into it and we realized, oh my gosh, there's such a huge issue on college campuses around drinking and binge drinking. And.
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So we want to create Daybreak college campuses to inspire connection without substances as well. So we're now on 15 campuses.
- [18:54]
Dr. Mark Hyman
This. We're getting up at 6 o' clock to go dancing. Party. Too late.
- [18:57]
Radha Agrawal
Well, we're supposed to start a little bit later because they're definitely not going to come and we have to lure them with burritos. But it's cool.
- [19:04]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Dancing with burritos.
- [19:06]
Radha Agrawal
No, but, you know, and so like unpacking some more like our political strife right now, you know, the political polarization that we're facing today, you know, I think the Make America Great Again hats, you know, the red hats that people are wearing on the Republican side, it's a statement of connection and community. I'm a part of something. And these are disenfranchised community members, often who are being recruited, who are saying, hey, join our barbecue. We're cooking for everybody. Here are some hats for you guys. And all of a sudden I went from feeling like I don't belong to, here's a community that really is welcoming me with open arms. The pipe bombers, all of the gun violence that we're facing, many of whom have mental illnesses. Well, 85% of people experiencing mental illness are isolated or alone. And so because we ostracize them from society, they're not welcome because they're not mentally sort of abled. Right. So.
- [19:59]
That piece of it only sort of creates that sense of anger. And so it's on each and every one of us to out there who's listening on this, you know, on this podcast right now, to really make friends with everybody, whether it's someone who's older than you, younger than you, someone who's mentally, you know, sort of experiencing mental illness. How can we actually bridge those divides that every single human on this planet can belong? And so the COVID of my book has a doorway on it. Right. Because the concept of neighborhood neighborliness is also lost. You know, I live in New York City. We live in New York City. We don't. Do you know your neighbors names? Do you know the neighbor across the street?
- [20:41]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Yeah, we just moved in.
- [20:43]
Radha Agrawal
I don't know my neighbors. I've been there for three years, you know, and I tried to make friends with them. And there's sort of this kind of don't talk to me type thing. And. And so we're making a big effort, you know, we. We have a welcome committee, like little figurines outside our door that says, you know, welcome to our home. You know, if you need salt, come and borrow it. And. And we're trying, but it's on all of us. Society needs to embrace the concept of neighborhood again.
- [21:09]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Good thing. If not, need sugar. But if you need salt.
- [21:11]
Radha Agrawal
Yes. Yeah, exactly.
- [21:13]
Dr. Mark Hyman
You're not gonna get a bag of white sugar's house.
- [21:15]
Radha Agrawal
Definitely.
- [21:18]
Yeah. So it. But. But I think, you know, community, if the most generous act we can do as human beings is to create community, the most generous thing we can do for ourselves and for each other is to sort of extend our hand and say, hey, will you be my friend? So that come. That's true for, you know, for me, when I turned 30 years old, I looked myself in the mirror. I realized I didn't belong. And that was the beginning of my journey to community. And that's the first page of my book. Yeah. In my 20s, I spent sort of sleepwalking. I was in sports bars, watching football, drinking beer that I didn't want to drink, and trying to be cool and relevant and hanging out with what I thought society sort of deemed as cool. Like going to clubs and getting drunk and blacking out all the time because I'm Asian and I can't handle my liquor.
- [22:06]
And then at 30 years old, I woke up and I had this like, whoa, aha moment where I was just like, what have I been doing? Like, who am I? And that the light in my eyes was dim and I just could see.
- [22:16]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Hard to imagine.
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Radha Agrawal
I mean, right. But in this Last nine years.
- [22:19]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Like headlight, high beams shining in the world.
- [22:22]
Radha Agrawal
Well, this is the last nine years. Right. Like we totally. And you know, you're such a, you know, you're such a dear friend now. And our community is what gives us that life. And so from 30 to 35, Mickey and I spent all of our effort and time focusing on community. And I create all these exercises for myself. And in my book I talk about going in. Right. You have to go in first to belong to yourself. So often with community building, we're grasping outside of ourselves to find those friends. But it really starts with this journey of self exploration first to get to know who we are, what we value, what we can bring to a community and how we're showing up. How are we at listening, how are we at connecting with, you know, with everyone around us.
- [23:07]
Dr. Mark Hyman
And it's almost like focusing on not only how to find a friend, but how to be a friend.
- [23:11]
Radha Agrawal
Yes, that's exactly right. That's exactly right. So the first half of my book really challenges the reader in a gentle and loving way to go inside and ask themselves, how are we showing up? And how can we, how can we sort of shine a light on ourselves first in a beautiful way, in a glorious way before we go out? I think so much of self help today also, it traps us. We get trapped in self help, we get trapped in personal development that we forget that the whole point of personal development is to do what is to better relate to the outside world. Right.
- [23:42]
Dr. Mark Hyman
We go inside self care, but it really should be we care.
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Radha Agrawal
Yeah, right, exactly. It's like, I'm going to get a massage, I'm going to take care, I'm going to eat healthy so that I can take care of my children better, so I can serve my community better, so that I can show up for the world better. And yet we forget that. We just get trapped in the look at me selfie moments without realizing that that's actually the. The sort of the ladder down to isolation, loneliness and sadness. Yeah.
- [24:08]
Dr. Mark Hyman
So in. In Okinawa, which is one of the longest lived people in the world, they form a community at birth of babies that are kind of connected by their parents that go through life together and go through all the ups and downs and trials and tribulations from birth to like 100 years old. And it builds a sense of. And it's not like a hundred people, it's like five people or four people. And it's, you know, most people can't even say there's one friend they have that they can Call up when they feel bad or sad, who they can have an honest, transparent conversation to. That's really heartbreaking. And it's so much of a driver of so many of the ills of our society. It's something people don't talk about and it's what. But when we were with Rick Warren in Saddleback Church, I had the insight of using the power of community to help people create health. So suicide is contagious, but health is contagious and obesity is contagious, but so is good health. Good health, I think that's such an important thing you're creating in the world is this call to belong. And not only to belong, but actually you've created a very specific roadmap. I want to get into that. Now you've talked about going in to go out, so let's talk about going in and what that means and how do you do that?
- [25:19]
Radha Agrawal
Right. So I have about 20 exercises in my book that really take you by the hand. The whole point is to get dirty in this journey of self exploration and have fun. But going in starts with first an audit of who are you spending your time with? Just take a moment to write down who are the people I'm spending my time with today at work, at home, around me, family, friends, relatives, who are all the people you're spending your time with? And just write that down on a piece of paper and take a look at this map, right? And this map will begin to. And what I like to do is color code it. So work, friends, I'll color code in green, right? And family, I'll color code in red. And friends that I choose, I'll color code in orange. Right? So different color just to sort of see. Ah, okay, cool. So, and then I have this kind of axis of energy that I created in my book, in chapter one, in part one of the book where you sort of assess, okay, who are the community members who are bringing me up and who are the community members in my life who are bringing me down? So looking around, you begin to see, ah, cool. So all the green quadrant sort of is up into the right. So therefore I realize that my work life is very positive. I have very positive community at work. But then maybe there's more red dots around family and friends in the negative quadrants. So you're like, ah, okay, I need to really understand and assess what's happening in my family life so I can really heal that or support that or ask myself, you know, how do I connect and handle family members? And we've all you know, we all, We've all, We're all, we all go through that. And so, so really looking at.
- [27:01]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Although I know your family, they're all pretty awesome.
- [27:04]
Radha Agrawal
Well, you know, dad's Indian, your mom's Japanese, my dad's. Yep.
- [27:08]
Dr. Mark Hyman
My sister's a doctor. And your sister's, you know.
- [27:11]
Radha Agrawal
Well, you know, it's. And culturally, it's interesting, right? Like, you know, my father, my mother, some of the most loving community builders I know. In fact, they. They modeled what community looks like for us. And yet it's interesting because culturally, talking about love and sex and differently, you know, you just don't talk about those things with your, you know, with your kind of Asian parents. And so on one hand, they're the best community builders I've seen. On the other hand, you know, I do long for a little bit more kind of emotional honesty. Honesty. Yeah. But I think, again, like, we all have those. Those sort of issues. I'm going through the motherhood process right now. I'm seven months pregnant. And I keep asking myself every day, you know, what kind of, you know, what kind of parent do I want to be? And anyway, so plotting this graph, you begin to sort of see a pattern of. Ah, okay, cool. So, you know, here is my entire life map. And it begins to give you a sort of the beginning of that story. And then from there you ask yourself, okay, why am I spending my time with these people? Are they grandfathered in? Are we making excuses? Am I being lazy? Is it just easier to keep them around? You know, what is it?
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Dr. Mark Hyman
Are they. Do I not have energy givers or energy suckers?
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Radha Agrawal
That's right, exactly. And can I. And can I sort of be honest and vulnerable with that person and share. Hey, listen, this is how I'm feeling right now in this relationship, and it's not working for me. Or I'm really sort of wanting to spend time with sort of more positive forces. I'm going through pregnancy right now, and I don't necessarily.
- [28:49]
I just want to spend just some more time connecting with the joy in my life, you know, and things like that. Right. Being more honest and vulnerable. And I've had those conversations, and it's. And it's wonderful. Either it becomes a mirror for that person to say, oh, wow, I realize I'm not showing up the way you, you want me to, or there. Or they say, okay, I totally understand, and let's, you know, reconnect after you give birth, you know, so. So I think that there's. There's that honesty piece There that we forget. We end up just ghosting our, you know, our people in our lives.
- [29:19]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Yeah.
- [29:19]
Radha Agrawal
You know, we end up running away or we end up shit talking and, and it ends up being a very negative experience. But, but.
- [29:27]
Saying sort of this isn't the time to spend time with somebody. Right now, because I want to level up with my community members is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your friend too. Because they will begin to see how they're showing up and hopefully they'll go on the journey of self exploration too.
- [29:42]
Dr. Mark Hyman
So rather than just cut them off, just have a real honest conversation with them.
- [29:46]
Radha Agrawal
That's right. That takes courage and vulnerability on all of our ends, but it doesn't create resentment on the other side. That leads to negative storytelling and hurt and all other sort of, you know, larger issues. So.
- [29:59]
Dr. Mark Hyman
So that's the first step in going inventory.
- [30:01]
Radha Agrawal
Yeah. Taking inventory. Exactly. Auditing community, who you spend time with. The second thing that I, this is what I did when I turned 30 and this is, this is exactly what I outline in my book is my own journey that's taken me from feeling like I don't belong to this incredible, connected, joyful community that gives me wings and lets me fly.
- [30:21]
The second thing I did was I wrote down a three column list.
- [30:26]
Which we'll get into in just column one was all the qualities I was looking for in a friend. Right. So I just wanted to write down and actually manifest and call in what were the qualities that I was looking for in a friend. Right. We do this type of audit again for our romantic relationships. We do this for our professional careers. Right. I want a job that pays this much. I want a job that has this type of vacation. I want a job that you write.
- [30:50]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Like in terms of life, it's interesting. In terms of life planning, it's not a category.
- [30:55]
Radha Agrawal
It's like, why not?
- [30:56]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Love, work, money.
- [30:58]
Radha Agrawal
Exactly.
- [30:59]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Friend is not a category.
- [31:00]
Radha Agrawal
And it is the most important, when I say the most important category in life to focus on. And everyone says focus on money, power, fame and building your business and, but really none of it will happen and, or will result in joy or joyful life experience. If you don't have a community being like, oh my gosh, Mark, high five. Like, whoa, we get to celebrate your major win. New York Times bestseller list again. Holy shit. Let's go and throw a giant party for you. You know what I mean? If you're just kind of like writing by yourself in your room and if no one to celebrate, then at the end of it, you're empty again, you know, so it's so critical that we continue to put our laptops down and keep our word and go to those dinners with our friends and say yes to the dance floor and say yes to adventure. Because at the end of the day, no matter, no amount of success will mean anything if there's no one to celebrate it with. Right. So, so, so, so, so column one was all the qualities I was looking for in a friend, right? So I wanted friends talked about ideas and not each other. I wanted friends who said, yeah, you bleep that out to life. I wanted friends who, you know, really took care of themselves and took care of each other. I wanted friends who were interesting and interested. Right. Who are good listeners. I wanted friends. Yeah. So I wrote down everything I was looking for in a friend, which was kind of vulnerable because there's so much shame around saying I don't belong. Or there's so much shame around writing down the qualities. It just feels desperate for some reason in today's society.
- [32:28]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Right.
- [32:29]
Radha Agrawal
But if we just remove. Right, that's what I'm saying. But if we removed all of that stigma. Because there is stigma around fomo, Right. Fear of missing out and fear of being left out. You don't tell people, like, yeah, I was left out from the party and it really hurt. Like, you're. We're so proud. We don't really talk about that. Right. But Faux Blow is a concept talking my book quite a bit, which is fear of being left out. Right. Which is a more subversive, negative version of fomo.
- [32:51]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Yeah.
- [32:52]
Radha Agrawal
Right. And then Jomo is joy is missing out, which is the joy of, of, of, of missing out and having the confidence to know there's other things to do.
- [32:58]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Yeah.
- [32:59]
Radha Agrawal
But so column. So column two is all the qualities I don't want in a friend, Right? So I don't want friends who are negative Nellies, lazies, shoulder shruggers, Debbie Downer, Debbie Downers, Netflix, and, you know, Chill Watchers all the time and homebodies. Like, I wanted friends who are just like, you know, really say yes to life. Say yes. Like. And I call it fyf in my book. It's a very.
- [33:18]
Dr. Mark Hyman
And then somebody else might want a friend who they can sit around and do knitting with.
- [33:21]
Radha Agrawal
That's right. That's what I'm saying. Everyone's different. So your qualities are going to be very different from my qualities. Whoever's listening out there, Right. And that's exactly what you want to do right now is ask yourself where Do I feel the most energized? And then column three, perhaps the most important column, was all the qualities that I need to embody in order to attract the friends that I want. All the qualities I need to embody. So I need to be less of a workaholic. I love my work. You know, I need to put my laptop down. I need to be less judgmental and nitpicky and perfectionist. And, you know, I'm a CEO, Right. I run companies for a living. And so my job is to focus on what's going wrong. Right. My job is to focus on how to improve what's going wrong. So if I bring that. I used to bring that into my relationships, into my friendships, I'd be nitpicking what's going wrong in those relationships instead of being grateful for what's going. Right.
- [34:13]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Yeah.
- [34:13]
Radha Agrawal
So that sort of understanding.
- [34:14]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Shifting your frame.
- [34:15]
Radha Agrawal
Yes. That compartmentalization of. In my work, I'm going to be focused on really kind of wanting to improve service and product and whatever, but in my personal life, to really compartmentalize and say, hey, wait, let me really focus on what's going. Right. Especially as, you know, as an Asian woman, you know, you grow up in a household where it's like, you're only loved if you get an A. You know, a. A plus, you know, so it's. It's.
- [34:41]
Dr. Mark Hyman
And you did all right. You were into Cornell and you were on the varsity soccer team.
- [34:47]
Radha Agrawal
But. Yeah, so. So I think. I think it's. It's so important to take that audit, you know, and look in the mirror and ask yourself, you know, how are you showing up for your friends, too? So that was a really important.
- [34:56]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Going in is doing an inventory of your life and what matters. Looking at yourself.
- [35:01]
Radha Agrawal
Yep.
- [35:01]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Looking yourself where you're not the best friend and what you want.
- [35:03]
Radha Agrawal
That's right. The quality is looking for.
- [35:04]
Dr. Mark Hyman
So what. What else is part of going in?
- [35:06]
Radha Agrawal
So going in. There's also another exercise I do, and there's so many more, but I'll share one.
- [35:10]
Dr. Mark Hyman
By the way, the book is full of these amazing practical exercises. It's not like, oh, you should be in a community, and you should go have friends. And it's like a roadmap, step by step, to take you through the process of how do you create community capacity in yourself and how do you build and find community? And it's really, really awesome.
- [35:27]
Radha Agrawal
Thank you. And I illustrated the book, too, so every page is fun to read.
- [35:31]
Dr. Mark Hyman
It's not a bunch of words.
- [35:33]
Radha Agrawal
I really like pictures and colors. And it just makes the whole journey of community building a lot more playful and colorful.
- [35:40]
Dr. Mark Hyman
So what are the other going in?
- [35:41]
Radha Agrawal
So, yeah, so one more going in exercise I'll share before we move on to going is I have you also assess what I call your via chart. So it's. Imagine a three sort of Venn diagram, three circles that you draw. So circle one is your values, the V and via is your values. The I in the via chart is your interests, and the A is your abilities. So just write down your values, your interests, and your abilities in three concentric circles and sit down with yourself and ask yourself, today, Mark Hyman, what do I value today? Because what you value today is going to be different than what you valued maybe 10 years ago. Maybe 10 years ago you're a big party animal, and then now you still are. I mean, you know, something's changed. I still see it. Burning man fist pumping on the dance floor.
- [36:35]
But today maybe you just, just got married. It's a beautiful wife. You're nesting, you move. You have a house in New York now. And, and so maybe your values today is more family driven and whereas 10 years ago it might have been different. So I'm, you know, I'm seven months pregnant today as well. So my values are different. And values are sort of.
- [36:55]
Kind of the guardrails through which you live your life. You know, what are the, what are the things that matter to you? And you can Google values and see sort of what values come up. And there's all kinds of lists, lists that come up. In my book, I list out about 100 values that you can choose from, but it's also something you can find on the Internet and you can begin to sort of map out what do I care about today? And really sit with yourself and, and, and connect to that, that essence. So write that down in one circle and that will give you again the beginning of roadmap for the type of other people you want to connect with. Like what are, you know, so shared values are so critical, right?
- [37:28]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Yeah.
- [37:29]
Radha Agrawal
And then the I is if you.
- [37:31]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Name it, then you can identify others, Right?
- [37:33]
Radha Agrawal
That's right. Exactly. And then the I in your via chart is your interests. So what am I interested in today? So, you know, it's different from your values, and your values is more sort of kind of intrinsic qualities. Family, you know, community.
- [37:49]
Work, life, balance, you know, that sort of thing. Right. Whereas your interests might be things like hiking and yoga and mindful meditation and music festivals and.
- [38:00]
Daybreaker. And Daybreaker. Yeah. Thank you. And all kinds of. Right. So it's what are you interested in tangibly doing today? And some people I do this workshop with will say, well, I don't know, we all have interests, right. So dig deep.
- [38:18]
If you don't have an interest right now, then start cultivating them. And that's what's so fun about this going in journey is that life is, we have a hundred years to live on this planet. Let's really begin cultivating our interests that are outside of just one.
- [38:30]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Only a hundred years. If you eat right, follow my advice and connect in the community and follow Radha's advice, then you get to 100.
- [38:37]
Radha Agrawal
Exactly. If you read all of Mark's books. Yeah, for sure.
- [38:42]
And then your abilities are. And I really think about abilities through the lens of what can you bring to your community? So what are your abilities? Not just like I'm a good public speaker, but what can you bring to your community? So are you. Is one of your abilities to ask amazing questions? Is one of your abilities to cook? Are you a good cook and chef? Can you cook for your friends? Was one of your abilities to gather people in your home? Is your home a really wonderful place to gather?
- [39:11]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Amelia, you're a great dj.
- [39:13]
Radha Agrawal
Exactly. Exactly. So two of my friends, I love giving this example. One of them, she always has a purse full of electric candles so that when, you know, she, she really, she like doesn't like neon lighting. So she'll walk into any room and she'll just be like, oh, no, no, no, this is like too harsh lighting. She'll turn off all the lights and break out all these like electric candles and like vibes out the place instantly. And it's incredible.
- [39:35]
Dr. Mark Hyman
And you have these other friends who are great sort of artists, musicians, instruments.
- [39:40]
Radha Agrawal
Exactly.
- [39:41]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Play great things and do skits and that's exactly right. So fun.
- [39:44]
Radha Agrawal
Yeah. So they bring instruments like Eli and I bring gold stars often to gatherings. So we'll say, mark, you did great. You know, it was a wonderful thing you just said, here's a gold star for you.
- [39:53]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Right.
- [39:54]
Radha Agrawal
You know, we went to the hospital when Eli's father was sick and we gave all the doctors and nurses gold stars and said, thank you for what you're doing. Great job, you know, checking his pulse.
- [40:04]
Dr. Mark Hyman
He looked at you like, what?
- [40:06]
Radha Agrawal
And they all started competing with each other for how many? The doctors, like serious doctors were competing with each other for how many?
- [40:11]
Dr. Mark Hyman
It's like kindergarten.
- [40:12]
Radha Agrawal
Yeah. For how many gold stars they got in there and they put in their badges and it was just like hysterical experience. And we turn this sort of otherwise scary place into a playground. And, you know, it's whatever we can bring that feels good for us, that feels natural to us. Bring that to your community and your experience and write that in your abilities chart.
- [40:31]
Guest Expert or Friend
We often think of ourselves as what we're into, not what we do. Like, we. We like to judge ourselves by our interests and our actions. And so I think what you do is a better measure of who you are. Like, how do you actualize the things that you say that you're into? And it's so hard, especially when it's, like, against your. Your. Your, you know, brand, like not eating sugar, you know, a stirred meal or whatever, when you have the cake in front of you, that kind of thing. And when it comes to community, when it comes to friendship, you know, like, you need to actually do the thing. So you said, you know, like, the best way to be invited to the party is to host the party. Well, that's exactly right. And every community has someone that makes it their charge to gather and organize that community, to bring people together. And so that's the first step. And then I think that part of the work is on yourself. Like, if you want to build community in any space, if you want to have friends that have certain traits or expertise or interests, you have to be interesting in that space. So, like, you know, for you, I think that if I had literally just no interest whatsoever in the things that you do and are passionate about, it would probably be an odd friendship and vice versa, right? It would just be like, okay, nice enough guy, but, like, not gonna become friends. We're not gonna start spending time together and hanging out. But if I, you know, like, I imagine you talk to people who. Who, you know, are huge fans of your work, and they've read every one of your books, but they don't. They're not coming up with questions to the ideas, the big ideas.
- [42:08]
Dr. Mark Hyman
If. If.
- [42:09]
Guest Expert or Friend
So for me, you know, if you're saying, like, how did it start? Like, how do we begin? It's not about how we maintain relationships now. It's how. Like, when you're. When you have, you know, a couple friends, you're not in a particular field. You don't have cool, you know, the cool people around you who can help you build and grow your life. You know, I love that the word enthusiasm, the root is enthusiast, means Wisconsin, right? And if you can find your enthusiasm and you can learn in enthusiasm, then it's not work. And then you can become great at something, then you can become knowledgeable at something and start collecting the questions that you have, and then ask your stupid questions to really knowledgeable people when you get the opportunity and it's fun for them. That's it. That's the whole ball game. Now you're a fun friend. Now you're interesting to talk to. And then you take that next step, which is like, you know, you can't take it personally. People are busy. But if I asked you, you know, five times to go and do something interesting, whether it's a small gathering with other people or go for a hike or do whatever, it's just, again, like, I guess I'll end with this. To this particular question, there's a.
- [43:15]
Dr. Mark Hyman
There's a.
- [43:15]
Guest Expert or Friend
We talk about it in the book. There's a guy named Michael Hebb. He's a dear friend of ours who's like, you know, there's artist around the table. He's the one who said that, you know, the table is the greatest piece of human technology ever created. And the first time I met him. Yeah, and the first time I met him, he pulled through your chat and he was like, hey, man, you know, sometimes people say, keep it real. Yeah, duh. He's like, do you keep it real? Yeah, bro, I keep it real. It's like, yeah, don't do that.
- [43:43]
What you need to do is keep it surreal and just do things a little bit beyond other people's imagination. Just a little bit of surprise. This is not like rocket science. We don't need you to paint a Basquiat. We just need you to make this.
- [43:57]
Dr. Mark Hyman
I'm trying to. Us. Yeah. It's so great you're sort of talking about. Really key part of building friendships and relationships is being interested and curious. And it's reminded me of my mother who said to me, not, what did you learn in school today? But what questions did you ask? And so I was always the annoying kid.
- [44:19]
Guest Expert or Friend
Guys, your mom sounds brilliant, by the.
- [44:21]
Dr. Mark Hyman
Way, who asked all the questions. I was a kid in medical school who sat in the front row and wouldn't leave till I understood everything and asked every question I had. And I knew that all the time because I. I want to learn. You know, I think. I think I read in your book earlier we have. We have two ears and one mouth, and we should use them in that ratio, you know? And I. I think that's exactly right. And that's how you build connection and community. I want to.
- [44:46]
Guest Expert or Friend
Just before you move on, when you say that, quote, two ears, one mouth. Totally agree. But you also have to use your mouth. You can't just use your ear's own, right? And I would imagine that there are people in that class of yours who are like, man, Mark is annoying. Wish this guy sure, yeah, sure, I'm sure that but but I'm sure there were way, way, way more who were like man, so appreciated that Mark asked that question I wouldn't have asked, but that question I wouldn't have thought of. And so now everybody else has a a fuller knowledge of this topic, right?
- [45:18]
Dr. Mark Hyman
If you love this pod when it comes to supplements, you only want to not the best for your body. The kind with the highest quality, cleanest and most potent ingredients you can get. That's exactly what you'll find at my supplement store where I've hand selected each and every product to meet the most rigorous standards for safety, purity and effectiveness. These are the only supplements I recommend to my patients, and they're also what I use myself. Whether you want to optimize longevity or reduce your disease risk or you're looking to improve your sleep, blood sugar, metabolism, gut health, you name it, drhyman.com has the world's best selection of top quality premium supplements, all backed by science and expertly vetted by me, me, Dr. Mark Hyman. So check out Dr.hyman.com because when it comes to your health, nothing less than the very best will do. That's Dr. Hyman.coM-R-H y M-A-N.com Guys, please share it with someone else you think would also enjoy it. You can find me on all social media channels at Dr. Mark Hyman. Please reach out. I'd love to hear your comments and questions. Don't forget to rate, review and subscribe to the Dr. Hyman show wherever you get your podcasts. And don't forget to check out my YouTube channel at Dr. Mark Hyman for video versions of this podcast and more. Thank you so much again for tuning in. We'll see you next time on the Dr. Hyman Show. This podcast is separate from my clinical practice at the Ultra Wellness center, my work at Cleveland Clinic and Function Health where I am Chief Medical Officer. This podcast represents my opinions and my guests opinions. Neither myself nor the podcast endorses the views or statements of my guests. This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional care by a doctor or other qualified medical professional. This podcast is provided with the understanding of that it does not constitute medical or other professional advice or services. If you're looking for help in your journey, please seek out a qualified medical practitioner and if you're looking for a functional medicine practitioner, visit my clinic, the Ultra Wellness center at ultrawellnesscenter.com and request to become a patient. It's important to have someone in your corner who is a trained, licensed healthcare practitioner and can help you make changes, especially when it comes to your health. This podcast is free as part of my mission to bring practice practical ways of improving health to the public. So I'd like to express gratitude to sponsors that made today's podcast possible. Thanks so much again for listening.