The Dr. Hyman Show

Episode: Why Love Feels So Hard — And How to Finally Feel Safe in Your Relationships
Host: Dr. Mark Hyman
Guest: Jillian Turecki (Relationship Expert & Author)
Date: November 26, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode explores why love and relationships can feel so difficult, diving into the emotional and psychological underpinnings of connection, conflict, heartbreak, and healing. Relationship coach and author Jillian Turecki joins Dr. Hyman to share practical insight and advice, drawing on her own story and decades of experience. Themes include emotional regulation, breaking unhealthy patterns, the role of childhood conditioning, and actionable steps to feel safer and more connected in relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Jillian Turecki’s Personal Journey

• (05:00) Jillian recounts her own challenging history: her parents’ struggles, a difficult marriage, miscarriage, her mother’s terminal diagnosis, and ultimately divorce.
  • These hardships became the catalyst for her deep study of relationship dynamics and personal healing.
  • “I always say that our relationship before we got married was about 90% great and 10% extremely problematic... But the reality is that marriage just magnifies; that 10% became the 90%.” — Jillian (06:00)
• She became obsessed with the questions: “How am I going to get out of this hole?” and “What makes a relationship work?”
• Her work centers on the idea that change begins with oneself: “I am the common denominator in all my relationships. That doesn't mean I am the only problem, but my relationships are a reflection of my choices, capacity, skill set, and self-worth.” — Jillian (08:39)

The Impact of Childhood & Cultural Conditioning

• (09:30) Dr. Hyman and Jillian discuss how family upbringing and early experiences form unconscious patterns (“love software”) that get replayed in adult relationships.
  • “You think you’re enlightened and then you go home for Thanksgiving!” — Dr. Mark Hyman (09:26)
• Culture also shapes expectations, often confusing lust for love or setting unrealistic standards from film and art.

Emotional Regulation & Managing Triggers

Understanding Triggers

• (11:26-16:56) Discussion on the “amygdala hijack”—how old wounds get activated in present situations, causing outsized emotional responses.
• Jillian emphasizes pausing, walking away, and reflecting before reacting:
  • “Nine times out of ten, we're not seeing our partner, we're seeing our ex, we're seeing mom, we're seeing dad... The most important key to self-regulation is stopping the story inside your head that is making your partner into the enemy.” — Jillian (16:51)

Practical Tools

• Use mindfulness, meditation, or grounding activities outside the relationship to be less reactive.
• Validate your partner’s experience instead of getting defensive:
  • “If you can only have one crazy person in the room at a time, that’s the rule. If someone’s triggered, the other has to breathe, receive, and just reflect so they feel heard and understood. Even if you think they’re 100% wrong, they’re still entitled to their perspective.” — Dr. Mark Hyman (19:33)

Healing Emotional Wounds

• (24:38) There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution:

  • Some benefit from therapy, some from somatic work, fun, connection, or even helping others.
  • Mindset shifts, such as reframing the story around heartbreak, are pivotal: “When we can be more mindful and look at things from different perspectives, that can be incredibly healing.” — Jillian (26:13)
  • For deep heartbreak, it’s crucial to assess what else may be missing in life besides just the loss of a partner (work, community, purpose).

  Memorable Quote:
  “People write into me all the time saying, it's been two years, when am I gonna get over this person? ... They're not really grieving the relationship anymore. They are actually stuck in the story of what happened. ... The path to healing is to not focus on the relationship, but on what else is missing from that person's life.”
  — Jillian (32:16)

The Foundations of Healthy Relationships

Non-Negotiables

• (37:19) Trust and respect are the foundation for safety.
  • “If you don't trust the other person... there’s nothing. It’s how you deal with conflict, how you repair after arguments.” — Jillian (37:19)
• Relationships succeed on emotional generosity, explicit communication, and willingness to repair after conflict.
  • "You cannot change another person. You can only change yourself. But we can influence another person by changing ourselves and understanding human nature." — Jillian (40:01)

Repairing & Rebuilding Connection

• (39:26)
  • Ask yourself: “How am I complicit in what it is I say I don't want in this relationship?” — Jillian (39:26)
• Take ownership, improve your listening, and make it easier for your partner to win rather than fail.
• “People who are emotionally generous generally make the best partners. Those who are keeping score all the time are usually a nightmare to be in a relationship with.” — Jillian (50:09)

The "Nine Truths About Love"

• (52:17-55:42) Jillian explains the core hard-won truths from her book It Begins With You:
  1. Nothing changes unless you do.
  2. The mind, not the heart, is the greatest saboteur of love.
  3. Lust is not love.
  4. No one is coming to save you.
  5. You have to make peace with your parents.
  6. You do need to love yourself—but it’s a process, not a cliché. ...and more (the podcast lists select highlights; for full details, see Jillian's book)
• These truths aim to instill realistic expectations and personal responsibility, offering a new roadmap for relationship fulfillment.

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Defensive Storytelling:
  “What you're afraid of is that you are not good enough and that because you're not good enough, you are somehow going to be deprived of love. That is the fear that underlies all problems in relationships.” — Jillian (00:00, 56:23)

• On Emotional Repair:
  “Respect and trust. That's the baseline. That's the foundation that creates emotional safety... If you don't feel respected, or you don't respect the other, you've got no leg to stand on.” — Jillian (37:20)

• On Self-Awareness in Conflict:
  “Between stimulus and response, there is a pause. In that pause lies a choice, and in that choice lies our freedom.” — Dr. Mark Hyman quoting Viktor Frankl (22:42)

• On Compassionate Curiosity:
  “Can you put yourself in someone else's shoes? Literally step into their body—even imagine breathing like them—to see from their perspective.” — Jillian (61:41)

• On Choosing a Partner:
  “Who you choose—and who you choose to be in that relationship. Are you the right partner?” — Jillian (62:00)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Jillian’s Backstory & Book Theme – 05:00 to 09:16
• Impact of Childhood & Cultural Narratives – 09:16 to 13:45
• Emotional Regulation, Triggers, and Self-Regulation Techniques – 13:45 to 22:42
• Healing Emotional Wounds & Heartbreak – 24:38 to 36:25
• Healthy Relationship Non-Negotiables – 37:19 to 41:04
• Communication Tools & Managing Expectations – 41:04 to 51:15
• The Nine Truths About Love – 52:17 to 55:42
• Keeping Your Heart Open, Practicing Present-Moment Awareness – 56:23 to 61:21
• Empathy, Partner Choice, and Breaking Patterns – 61:41 to 66:42

Actionable Takeaways

• Pause and Reflect: Create a buffer between your trigger and your reaction; take a walk, meditate, or simply breathe before responding.
• Investigate Your Stories: Often our pain comes from stories we tell ourselves about a partner’s behavior—look for projections and challenge your assumptions.
• Cultivate Emotional Generosity: Instead of keeping score, make small but regular “emotional deposits.”
• Prioritize Self-Healing: Focus on what’s missing or off-balance in your life outside the relationship, and take small steps toward fulfillment there.
• Own Your Role: Regularly ask, “How am I contributing to the pattern I say I don’t want?”
• Practice Empathy: Try literally imagining yourself in your partner’s place.
• Choose and Be Wisely: Picking a compatible partner and being a good one are both ongoing choices.

Resources & Next Steps

• Jillian’s Podcast: Jillian on Love — deep dives on relationship theory and advice.
• Book: It Begins With You — Jillian’s comprehensive guide to healing yourself and your relationships.
• Courses: Heartbreak recovery, choosing the right partner, couples support, and a membership for women (details at Jillian’s website).
• Social Media & Website: See show notes for links to all resources.

“It all boils down to the one thing everybody wants, and that's love. Period. End of story.”
— Jillian Turecki (58:03)

This episode is essential listening for those who want a compassionate, practical, and deeply human discussion of why relationships challenge us and how to grow—starting from within.