← The Dr. John Delony Show
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- [00:06]
A
I obsess over my mortality a bit, especially since I've had my kids. And like, since I've been thinking about it, I'm sure it has something to do with having lost both my parents over the years. I cannot leave the house without giving them and my wife a kiss and a hug.
- [00:20]
B
So why do you think there's something wrong with you? What's going on? This is John with a Dr. John DeLoney show, taking your calls from all over the planet. Right here in Nashville, Tennessee, is where I recording this show with Kelly and the gang. We're taking your calls on mental and emotional health and your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. JohnDelony.com/a S K, Reach out and we will hollaback girl at you and see if we can get you on the show. All right, Seal Beach, California. Let's talk to Nicholas. What up, Nicholas?
- [00:59]
A
Hey, how's it going, Deloney?
- [01:01]
B
Doing all right, brother.
- [01:01]
A
This is. Can't believe this is actually happening right now. I'm, like, kind of freaking out a little bit.
- [01:06]
B
A little nervous for me, too, dude. I'm glad you. I'm glad you called, man. What's up?
- [01:10]
A
So I'll just get right to it. When I wrote in, my question was kind of like, I obsess over my mortality a bit, especially since I've had my kids. And, like, since I've been thinking about it, I'm sure it has something to do with, like, grief with my having lost both my parents over the years and. Yeah, so that was like. Yeah. I don't really know where to go from there. I can just keep going. You can. I'm pro. I'm a rambler a little bit, so.
- [01:38]
B
I don't know anything about rambling at all ever. So that's good. Tell me what, when. When you say obsess over your mortality, tell me what that means. Like, paint me a real life picture of what that looks like day by day.
- [01:51]
A
Well, it's just. It's something that's like, like simple example. Every time I have three little kids, I have twins that are seven and almost seven, a little girl who's almost three, and I cannot leave the house without giving them and my wife a kiss and a hug, obviously, because I love them and everything. But the back thought is like, what if I get into a car accident when I'm out of the house and the last thing they see is me leaving without a hug and a kiss?
- [02:17]
B
Are you in the military?
- [02:17]
A
Like, I am not in the military now.
- [02:20]
B
Are you Responder in any way?
- [02:23]
A
No, I'm a. I'm a personal trainer for work.
- [02:25]
B
Okay.
- [02:26]
A
I've actually had. I had to do CPR like six months ago on a member in the gym. That was kind of wild. But no, I'm not. My wife is a nurse, but no. Yeah.
- [02:36]
B
So tell me about your life experiences that have brought you to this sense of panic, by the way. I do the exact same thing exactly as you, and I have ocd, so there's that. Right. I'm not saying it's healthy, but I. I have the exact same thing.
- [02:55]
A
All right.
- [02:55]
B
Okay, so tell me about what's happened in the past that brought you here.
- [03:01]
A
Well, so both my parents have passed. They like, you know, kind of differently. So my mom got sick. She had breast cancer. And she was. She got sick when I was like 9ish. And then she ended up passing away when I was 19. And there was a lot of years in the middle where she was in remission, so, like, everything was okay. And then, you know, things took a turn and then she ended up going when I was 19. And then about five years ago, my dad, like two weeks into COVID lockdown, my dad had a random heart attack and passed.
- [03:37]
B
Oh, man.
- [03:38]
A
And my sister ended up like finding him with her boyfriend. They're on. We're on like lockdown. And I got the phone call and. And it was just like out of nowhere. Like the day he died, he had gone on like a 20 mile bike ride with my sister and her boyfriend and he laid down to take a nap and that was it. And. And so I've kind of like seen. I've kind of seen like how it goes from both directions as far as like a low, like a. Like a slow thing, like with my mom. And then just all of a sudden one day with my dad and. And yeah. So it just.
- [04:15]
B
So why. Why do you think there's something wrong with you?
- [04:20]
A
I don't. I. You know that I've been kind of thinking about it since I got like the phone call. I don't know. I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I think the underlying issue is just. I've never like my grief, you know, and it's just. That's probably how it's manifesting maybe. Yeah, I don't think there's anything wrong with me, really. I just. It's like sometimes like I can't sleep. It's like I get anxiety from thinking about. Just like sometimes I. I'm almost sure even though there's no way of being sure. Like my dad. My mom died when she was 45 and my dad died when he was 55, like a week before he turned 55. So like in my head, like I'm just trying to make it to 55, you know, and it's just like. It's like kind of rough to think like that, I guess.
- [05:04]
B
So I guess the question I'm gonna ask you is, are you? And this is going to sound like I'm kind of making fun of you. I'm not in any way. This is a serious question. This could be. Okay. Are you interested in releasing that or is that a frame by which you are comfortable living? And here's what I mean by that. Like, here's what I mean.
- [05:26]
A
Yeah.
- [05:27]
C
I.
- [05:28]
B
My son slept through his alarm this morning. He's 15. He's headed out to high school. My wife is taking him. He ran down the steps this morning while I was pass me in the. In the garage gym. I was working out, said goodbye, said, I love you, have a great day. He said, love you, dad. Have a great day. But I didn't go hug him. That will for me be like an unscratched itch all day.
- [05:51]
A
Yeah.
- [05:52]
B
Okay. At night time I just take a couple of laps around the house and check the locks a few times. I used to try to fight that. I don't. It's just dumb. It doesn't bother me. I don't even get annoyed by anymore.
- [06:06]
A
Yeah.
- [06:07]
B
And so some of those things I've just made peace with, they're just my life. That's okay. Other things, like rumination, I worked really hard to free myself from that and it sucked. But I don't have that anymore. Like I literally didn't bother me. I don't have those, those looping thoughts all the time. So my question for you is, is seriously, is that something you want to be free from because there's some tangible things you can do? But it sucks.
- [06:31]
A
Well, yeah, for sure. I mean the. I do like the fact that how like, you know, I'm, you know, I'm there with my kids as much as I can and I like how close we are and like, you know, I don't want to stop. You know, here's the problem with that.
- [06:43]
B
Here's the problem. Your kids know that you're. That you need them for oxygen and they can't carry that weight.
- [06:54]
A
Yeah.
- [06:54]
B
You get what I'm saying?
- [06:55]
A
Yeah.
- [06:56]
B
They are learning in real time. We are responsible for dad's well being. And that's a really Heavy burden and responsibility to put on a child.
- [07:06]
A
Yeah.
- [07:10]
B
You get what I'm saying?
- [07:12]
A
Yeah, I do. I feel like I try not to. I mean, I'm sure they can feel it, and I'm sure I don't. Just, you know, we all screw up all the time. But I. I do my best. I talk to my wife. Like, my wife's awesome. You know, we're like, nine years into our marriage. We just hit nine years, and, like, she's rad, and I love her and more and more, like, you know, so, like, I have people to talk to and I can talk to. I can talk to, like, my sister, who I know.
- [07:37]
B
I got that. Tell me this, Tell me this. What do you want to be different?
- [07:43]
A
What do you mean?
- [07:44]
B
What do you want to, like, the purpose of this call. What do you want to be different?
- [07:49]
A
The. I guess managing my, like, my grief when it comes in the waves that it does, because sometimes I'll be fine. And then there's like a couple seasons a year where it kind of comes in, like, a heavy wave, and I, like, put it out of my mind for, like, the. The rest of the year. Then it comes, and it's kind of, like, debilitating a little bit.
- [08:09]
B
Yeah. It'll drown you if you don't. If you don't stare it down.
- [08:13]
A
Yeah. And it's that. That season is, like. It's like birthday season in my house. My whole family is within a month from each other, and so it's, like, tough to be away from. My parents are gone, and then, like, my dad passed away on my mom's birthday, and their birthdays are, like, four days apart. And then I have another buddy who passed away, and they have. Him and my dad have the same birthday.
- [08:34]
B
Okay, let's. Let's do this. Let's do this. Before the week is up, I want you to go to a local stationary store or a local store where you can get some nice card stock paper. Okay. I want you to get a nice pen. I want you to actually spend the money to do this. This. And I want you to sit down and I want you to write your mom a letter. And that letter is going to have three parts to it. How much you miss her, how pissed off you are that she left you at 15 or 16 years old, how upset you were when you were 10, feeling like you had to take care of your mom. And that's going to feel gross to do, but that voice is in there. In the third part of that letter. I want you to let her know what kind of incredible dad and husband you have become. Tell her about your boys and tell her who you're becoming. And tell her you can't wait to see her on the other side. No, I don't want you to write that same letter this time next week to your old man.
- [09:57]
A
Yeah, the old. The dad stuff's a little bit.
- [10:00]
B
It will be. It'll be really tough.
- [10:01]
A
Yeah. Because it's a lot more fresh. Yep. And he. He knew my kids and stuff.
- [10:07]
B
Tell him that kid number one really misses you. I hate explaining to the kid number two where you are. And I feel like I'm too old to miss my dad, but I wish my dad would call and then tell them what kind of man you're going to become. Tell him what kind of the ways you're going to take care, what you've learned from him, the way you've taken care of. He took care and loved you, loved your sister, even welcomed some other knuckleheaded man into the family. You're going to be just like that. Maybe you'll even raise the bar. And then also tell him you're going to go get your calc score, you're going to get some cardiovascular testing done, and you're going to make sure that you hang on till 85.
- [10:55]
A
Well, I've done all that. Like I said, I'm a personal trainer, so I try to do my best to stay on top of all that, my blood work and stuff.
- [11:02]
B
Good. But I want you to get this stuff out of your body and put on a piece of paper. That's number. That's step one is writing those two letters. Okay. And if you have to write one to your buddy, write that one also. Okay.
- [11:15]
A
Yeah.
- [11:16]
B
That's a way of shaking the salt shaker of grief and certain passing it through. Here's the second thing. I want you to close your eyes real deep and imagine yourself at 85. And I want you to write you a letter now at 30. All right? And I want you to thank yourself for all of the things you've done to become the man you became at 85 years old. And start. Start the letter with, dear Nicholas, tomorrow I'm gonna die. And at 30 or at 28, however old you are right now, you made some choices to live differently, and that's made all the difference. You chose to take care of your health. You chose to be the best husband you could ever be. You started taking classes on how to be a good dad. You fill in the blank, did you?
- [12:23]
A
Man, I take some of the Stuff. I listen to you, I go apply it in real time and I see how much it works.
- [12:28]
B
It's crazy how little it takes, isn't it?
- [12:31]
A
Dude, the. What does your vision look for the day?
- [12:35]
B
Yeah. How can I love you today? Yeah. It's wild, huh?
- [12:37]
A
Is the greatest, like, marital advice I've ever heard. And I do it all the time, whether my wife realizes it or not. Now she will, but it's awesome. I do it all the time. Yeah.
- [12:47]
B
All right, one last thing for you, okay. There's some kind of alchemy to how OCD and anxiety kind of map together. And that's for a whole other nerd podcast not on this show. But you have a responsibility to yourself and to your kids and to your wife to live non anxiously. Okay? And so I'm gonna send you. I'm gonna send you my book, Building a Non Anxious Life. But under this, these conditions, I want you and your wife to read it together. In fact, I'm gonna send you two copies so y' all can read it together. And I want you to use it as a road map to reverse engineer and build your life. Because an anxious body finds things to try to solve in order. In order to stay present, in order to stay safe in the present. And your mind is spinning and spinning, spin. Sure, it's unresolved grief, but there's also a reality to it. Is your job safe? Is your finances safe? You say your wife you love, love, love her. Would she say the same things about you? Do you have kids with health issues?
- [13:54]
C
Are you worried?
- [13:55]
B
You say you think you're dead at 55, right? Like building a non anxious life is a. Is reverse engineering giving your body a chance to exhale so it can actually deal with real threats in the present. So hang on the line. I'm going to send you that book. That's your three homework assignments, dude. And they're not tough, but they're awful. Writing letters to your, your mom and dad individually. Writing a letter to yourself from your 85 year old self the day before he passes away. And then starting a hard, real, true, honest conversation with your wife about let's change our entire home so that our bodies have a chance to exhale. And that'll give us permission just to be sad during birthday month. By the way, you're going to always be sad during birthday month. Don't fight that. That's right. And holy and good. You're supposed to be sad when people you love pass away all within a couple of days of each other. That's Good question will be, what are you gonna do with that sadness? You're gonna go serve somebody? Are you gonna go just buy away, Go on a camping trip by yourself? It's when you don't. If you don't honor it and you just sit at home and you're grumpy and you're mean and you snap at people and you buy stupid stuff or you drink too much, that's when that sadness and grief isn't healthy or good. But choosing to honor that grief and be like, all right, I. I leave every. Every year on. On that weekend or I go serve the homeless people on that weekend or whatever. I'm gonna. I'm gonna take that time and honor it. Is right and good. Thanks for the call, brother. Appreciate your honesty and thanks for being in our gang and thanks for being a good dad. Sorry about your mom and your old man, dude. They sound amazing. They've left you a pretty remarkable legacy. Now it's time for you to grow and pass it on.
- [15:38]
C
All right. We talk a lot on this show about boundaries, emotional boundaries, relational, financial. But there's one boundary that almost nobody talks about, and I don't talk about it enough. Your digital life right now. Your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school you. Is sitting on countless websites that you've never even heard of. You didn't give them permission to have that information, but it's out there. And let's be honest, this isn't just annoying. It's a violation. That constant exposure creates this anxiety that's always just humming in the background of your life. Something always feels off when other people may know stuff about you, especially private things. And that's why I use Delete me. Delete me goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information. They. They track down your info and they remove it. And every few months, they send you a report showing you exactly what they've done. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries. And boundaries help you have peace. So go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 20% off. That's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney to save 20%.
- [16:53]
B
Got to St. Louis, Missouri and talk to Rebecca. Hey, Rebecca, what's up?
- [16:57]
D
Hi, Dr. John. How are you today?
- [16:59]
B
Great.
- [16:59]
C
How are you?
- [17:01]
D
I'm actually pretty nervous, but I'm pretty good at the same time.
- [17:03]
B
Very cool. I'm nervous too, so we can be nervous together.
- [17:07]
D
That works for me. My question is, when is a good time to start budgeting, I guess, with your partner and or fiance? I have been dating a guy for a little over a year and a half. He has asked my parents for permission for my hand in marriage, all of that jazz. I'm expecting it any, any week now, I guess. And I just don't know when a good time is to start planning for like saving up for a wedding together and all of that, while also being respectful of his boundaries.
- [17:39]
B
So I guess I don't want to over dramatize this question. Is this a mechanical question or is there deeper? Like, I don't really know that I fully know where this guy is, where, where he thinks about money, how much he actually makes, how much he owes. I don't, I don't know this guy when it comes to finances.
- [17:56]
D
Yeah, that's fair. I guess there's a deeper question on it because I do trust him. We've talked about finances and debt before, but I am worried, like, when is if there's another shoe that's going to drop. Like, he hasn't done anything that has made me scared about, like our relationship. I think it's more my past of just trying to over prepare and protect myself if I can see something coming down the line. And the budget is really the last hurdle, I guess for us in that regard, before marriage, like, I think I've listened to a lot of other callers where there's a lot of financial infidelity and like, it's a little scary maybe to take that next step.
- [18:38]
B
Yeah, it's terrifying. Yeah.
- [18:39]
C
You're.
- [18:39]
B
You're joining everything in your life.
- [18:42]
C
So I.
- [18:45]
B
Here's what a budget will do for you. It will force you and him to put your values on a shared piece of paper, and it will force you to operationalize plans to make these values come true.
- [19:03]
D
Right.
- [19:04]
B
And that's scary.
- [19:07]
D
Yeah.
- [19:07]
B
Because I love you. You're handsome. I. I like making out with you. Like, let's, let's build a life. All that's finding well and good. But a budget forces you. If it's a mirror, who are you? Actually not. Who do you say you are? Who do you want to believe? Who are you?
- [19:24]
A
Yeah, what do you value?
- [19:26]
B
Do you value lattes? Or you do value giving money away? Do you value safety? Like, what do you value?
- [19:33]
D
That's a good point.
- [19:34]
B
And that's scary.
- [19:35]
D
Yeah.
- [19:36]
B
And so when's the right time to do it? Today, like right now. Okay, but hold on, hold on, hold on. It's the right time to talk about that sort of who are we going to be.
- [19:48]
D
Like into our future together? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
- [19:51]
B
And who knows, like, whatever y' all put on paper, I want to have a thousand acre ranch, I want to have a house downtown. None of those things will be where you all end up more than likely.
- [20:02]
D
Right? Exactly.
- [20:03]
B
But here's, here's the important thing. When those things change, do we have a roadmap for putting new things on the table?
- [20:11]
C
I know I've always said I wanted this.
- [20:12]
B
I think I'm starting to change my mind. And will you be curious about that and not judge me about it or. I don't think people like, I kind of roll my eyes at people who buy six dollar coffees. I roll my eyes at people who make their own coffee at their house. Let's have those conversations.
- [20:30]
D
Okay.
- [20:30]
B
And that's what, that's what this idea of a budget will help you do.
- [20:33]
A
When.
- [20:33]
C
When.
- [20:34]
B
Don't combine money yet though, okay?
- [20:37]
D
No, we're not combining money yet. He does, he does live with me, but it's separate accounts right now.
- [20:44]
B
Keep everything separate and because like it just becomes a nightmare untangling everything.
- [20:49]
E
Okay.
- [20:49]
B
And I know that everyone who gets engaged, it's always going to work out perfectly, but I just wouldn't have a job if everybody's plans worked out perfectly. And so like when you, when you're, when you all sign on the dotted line and become legally together and here's why the, the this sounds crass. The government has a dissolution process. When you're married, there is a, there is a, there is a series of steps that take. That is happens legally to divide up assets and to allow two people to move on their merry way. When you are just roommates and you'll buy stuff together, that whole thing gets messy, messy, messy, messy.
- [21:28]
D
That makes sense.
- [21:29]
B
You paid off my debts, but I put gas in your car. I mean it can be a nightmare. Whereas when you're married, we're going down the middle or here's how we're gonna divide up childcare, all that kind of stuff. There's a process for it.
- [21:41]
E
Okay.
- [21:42]
D
Yeah, I think that makes sense. And for me, I've worked very hard to be independent. It's probably ironic if I'm letting a man live with me. But the finances, like what I have done, it's my like last protection barrier, I guess you could say, where I'm keeping as much of that. Like I've always had to keep that safe. So it's a very scary thing. To share that with somebody and potentially legally share it with somebody. I think that's partially why I'm like, I want to see your credit score, to see if you're telling the truth about how much debt you have.
- [22:17]
B
And is there anything in your nervous system that suggests he might not be telling you the truth?
- [22:24]
D
Not from him, no.
- [22:25]
B
Okay. So here's a beautiful moment for you. For you to practice vulnerability. And my guess is you being somewhere along the line, you being vulnerable got you hit or got you excluded or got you some sort of repercussion. And if you carry that and the thing that kept you safe as a kid, if you carry that into this new marriage, it will destroy this marriage.
- [22:51]
E
Yeah.
- [22:52]
B
It's not a character flaw. It's just something to practice. It's a skill. And so you saying I need to be vulnerable with you? Nothing. I've. I'm assuming y' all have slept together. Like, I have shared all of me with you, except for one thing, and that is I'm terrified about sharing money. It scares me. And I also know the data that says having two separate checking accounts is not as healthy for our marriage. The. The. That's. That's just. It's data. If you share marriage accounts, if you share. Have a joint checking account, which, by the way, it blows my mind. Couples don't have that. But whatever. Like, you'll. I'll. I'll let you into my body, but I won't let you into my checking account is a strange algorithm for me. But whatever. So that scares me. And so I want to talk through this because I'm scared to death about it, and I want to practice being safe with you.
- [23:50]
E
Yeah.
- [23:51]
B
And then hopefully he'll say, well, how can I help you feel safe? And be like, can we both pull our credit reports? You don't trust me? No, no, no. I don't trust me yet.
- [24:00]
D
Okay.
- [24:00]
B
Right. Can we practice? Make a budget. That's ridiculous. And I know it's silly, but I would just make me feel safe.
- [24:08]
D
Okay. Yeah. He'd be game for that. He already wants to do Financial Peace University with me.
- [24:13]
B
Oh, yeah. I want to do the Dave Ramsey thing. There you go. Dude. Look at you guys.
- [24:16]
D
Yeah, look at you guys. I've been practicing that for a while, so I have to train him. Have to train him to.
- [24:24]
B
You're gonna have to train him probably for a lot of things, like how to do everything exactly as you want to. But anyway, these are all great questions, but at the root of it, money and relationships, I'll tell you, this makes me upset. It frustrates me. I went through two PhD programs and a graduate program. I didn't. Not only did I not have a course on the psychology of money, I didn't have a single class. I never took a class. My great friend, Dr. Angie Bryant, she just graduated. She did her dissertation on the psychological impact of student debt. It's devastating. Y' all live that. Y' all know. We all know I've lived that. But also sharing money, putting money is just a reflection of what I. What I value. What am I going to exchange my time for at work in exchange for money? And what can I get from my time? What can I get from my services? And how am I going to spend that time? On coffee, guitars, food, daycare, colleges, cars, bikes. Like, it's a value statement. And when you share deep values with somebody, man, it's revealing and it's scary and it's hard. So have those conversations. And again, I'll say this. Till the cows come home, don't share money. The number of people I've met with over the years, they got. They were dating a long time, they got engaged. One, they started paying off debts together. One person paid off somebody's car or one person paid off somebody student loans, and they break up. There's no recourse. You're just out and it's a mess. And so when you become married, you become one. One plus one equals one. And then y', all, all of your debts are yalls debts, all of your purchases are yalls purchases, yalls money, yalls future together. And that's just a new psychological way. And our individualist society has just destroyed that sort of camaraderie and togetherness. So great, great question, Rebecca. I wish you guys the best. Hopefully he gets off his butt and actually asks you to marry him soon. Geez, what's that guy waiting for? Just kidding. Take it slow. It's all good. We come back a woman struggling to move forward after choosing to put her baby up for adoption.
- [26:47]
C
This show is sponsored by Better Help. I have great friends, a strong faith, I've got an amazing wife and family, and I've got two PhDs worth of information about how to be well. And yet it's been the critically important times, and there have been several over the years, incredibly important times that I've.
- [27:06]
B
Spent with a great therapist that have.
- [27:09]
C
Actually made all the difference for me. The right therapist can change everything for you and your mental and emotional and relational health. And this month, my friends at Better Help are Shining the spotlight on therapists. These are people who truly make the.
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B
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C
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- [28:16]
B
H E lp.com DeLoney Tampa, Florida let's talk to Anna. Hey Anna, what's up?
- [28:26]
A
Hi.
- [28:26]
E
How are you doing?
- [28:27]
A
All right.
- [28:28]
E
How are you doing? Pretty good, all things considered.
- [28:31]
B
All things considered. Man, it was great to talk to you. What's up?
- [28:36]
E
You too. Yeah. Thank you for taking my call today. I guess I'm just kind of looking for some insight and advice on how to move forward in life after choosing to place my baby for adoption.
- [28:48]
B
Tell me about that.
- [28:52]
E
Well, my questions are kind of just surrounding the fact that I haven't had support from the birth father. I'm not super close with my own family and just kind of like picking up the pieces after this in terms of.
- [29:05]
B
Have you already? Is the adoption over?
- [29:09]
E
She is due any day at this point.
- [29:13]
B
So tell me about, tell me about the decision to give her up for adoption.
- [29:17]
E
Yeah, it's a decision I came to really early on in the pregnancy just due to me wanting the best for her. I want her to have a two parent, stable, loving home and I just was not able to provide that for her. So.
- [29:38]
B
Can I ask you a hard question?
- [29:40]
E
Yeah.
- [29:44]
B
I'm getting a sense that you don't feel worthy to be her mom.
- [29:53]
E
I'm not sure. I just did not want her to grow up in an unstable, unsafe environment.
- [30:02]
B
Are you unstable and unsafe.
- [30:07]
E
Financially? For sure. Definitely not stable?
- [30:10]
B
Yeah. I mean, for right now, yeah.
- [30:14]
E
Yeah. It's just not like what I would ever want for my child, you know, to grow up in.
- [30:23]
A
So.
- [30:26]
E
Yeah.
- [30:29]
B
Are you pretty fixed on the decision?
- [30:33]
E
Yeah. So I have A family that I've met and chose, and I absolutely love them. They've been just, like, such a huge light at the end of this tunnel for me.
- [30:42]
B
Okay.
- [30:44]
E
They've been together for years, and they have two kids already, and they just have, like, such a great family dynamic, and they can provide for her everything that I would want. So I'm pretty. Pretty set on it. Yeah.
- [30:58]
B
Okay. But I want you to hear me. They can't provide you. Okay.
- [31:07]
E
Yeah.
- [31:08]
B
And I will honor your wishes and I try to talk you out of it, but you're more important than cool hip clothes and whatever else. Whatever else, you think you aren't worthy of providing her. Okay.
- [31:28]
E
Yeah.
- [31:29]
B
And what a nightmare trying to come up with the finances to be a single mom giving birth, raising a kid right now. Ab. Real. Very real. Very real. And there's some gymnastics and some hoops and some resources out there. But I want to honor your request. Okay, so talk to me about your question.
- [31:57]
E
I guess emotionally, you know, placing her, it kind of just feels like a train approaching. And I know that it's going to hit, and I just, like, I know it's going to be very painful, and I. I just want to be well prepared because, like, four to six weeks after the placement, I'm going to be left to pick up all the pieces, like, financially and everything. So returning to work, I do have two jobs lined up, but it just feels like I think I'm putting pressure on myself to recover and kind of jump back into life. And it's just kind of, like, scary what that is going to feel like.
- [32:39]
B
Yeah. Is this an open or a closed adoption?
- [32:43]
E
It's an open adoption.
- [32:44]
B
Okay. Yeah. I think you're right. I would say this two, twofold one, everybody handles us differently. Okay. And so it would be wrong and not good of me to project and tell you, no, it's a train, or no, actually it's just a Prius, or actually, it's just going to be a warm breeze. Like, everybody experiences this differently. Okay. Statistically speaking, yes, it's a devastating transition. It's a very big deal. And trying to pretend it's not coming or trying to pretend it's not as bad as it actually is, or trying to pretend all those. Because there's just hard questions, right? There's identity questions. Questions, am I a mom? Am I not? Like, like, answering those kind of hard, guttural identity questions are tough. Right?
- [33:35]
E
Yeah.
- [33:36]
B
And if you already struggle with, do you. Do I think I'm worth X, Y or Z? And then you Go through this experience and it. It can compound.
- [33:46]
C
It can be a multiplier.
- [33:48]
B
Let me say it that way, okay. For insecurities, for anxieties, it can be a multiplier. But does that make sense?
- [33:58]
E
Yeah.
- [33:58]
C
So the greatest gift you could give.
- [34:00]
B
Yourself is to be surrounded by people that care about you.
- [34:04]
E
Right.
- [34:06]
B
Having some sort of network. And I'm getting it from you. Don't have any family support or anything like that.
- [34:16]
E
So I have two counselors that I'm seeing, which is awesome. And then I am getting plugged in my church as well and kind of seeking support through them.
- [34:27]
B
Excellent. I think being. Having places where you can go and be honest and that people will invite you over for a meal and you having the courage to say, I just want to go have meals with people.
- [34:39]
E
Yeah.
- [34:39]
B
Which will be tough because you don't want to be a burden any more than you already think you are, which, by the way, you're not. But being able to say, I'm going to need some support and any support would be great. And then being specific about what you need would be really, really helpful.
- [34:52]
E
Yeah. I think that's a big problem for me is.
- [34:54]
B
I know.
- [34:55]
E
Kind of feeling like a verdict.
- [34:56]
B
I know. Yeah. And few things break my heart anymore. Like, somebody when I'm talking to them and you could probably hear my voice, I get all choked up. But I'm sorry. But I'm not sorry when somebody thinks they're. They're a burden at this scale. Because I think you're pretty awesome.
- [35:24]
E
Yeah, me too.
- [35:25]
B
Good, good. So, yeah, I think dealing with having a plan for grief and having a plan for just that low season, and then not only the low season psychologically, but obviously there's hormones. There's the whole pregnancy. Right. There's that part of it. And you're going to continue working with your therapist through this time?
- [35:51]
E
Yes.
- [35:51]
B
Awesome. Very good, Very good. Now tell me about these jobs. How are you supporting yourself right now?
- [36:03]
E
I'm super, super thankful. The adoptive family through the agency helps with, like, my medical bills and transportation and groceries. So all my basic needs have been met through that, which has just been amazing. And I'm currently not working, so I don't really have much of my own income or anything. So I have a entry level, like behavioral health job lined up and then a job at, like, a store lined up as well.
- [36:32]
B
Very cool. Okay. Do you have a place to live?
- [36:37]
E
Yes. Yeah. I'm in. I'm in an apartment that after the adoption, it'll be back on me to pay For I initially had got in this apartment with the birth father, but that didn't work out. So then that financial aspect was on me.
- [36:52]
B
Okay.
- [36:53]
E
Yeah.
- [36:54]
B
I want to speak to you directly because I love you, but I would normally not say it this direct, this soon after meeting you. Is that okay?
- [37:01]
E
Yeah, go for it.
- [37:02]
B
Okay. After the birth of this baby, you're going to be dancing on a razor's edge. Okay. Six months to a year of absolutely hitting the gas will change the trajectory of your life. Six months to a year of taking your foot off the gas could change the trajectory of your life in the other direction. And the fact that we live in a society that puts brand new mothers in this situation, it's. I'll never understand it as long as I live. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a shameful blight on our culture. But here we are. Okay. You're gonna have some choices. Like, I'm gonna live really frugal. I'm gonna hit the grindstone. I'm going to continue seeing my counselor. I'm going to start going for walks. I might even get a dumb little dog. And I say that. Dumb. Just kidding. My dog's dumb. I'm going to get somebody, a companion of some sort. I'm going to lay off of dating. And I'm going to work. And I'm going to work. I'm going to work and I'm going to get myself this magical elusive thing called margin. A tiny little bit of margin. A tiny little bit of peace.
- [38:33]
E
Okay.
- [38:35]
B
What does that mean? That means you're gonna have a lot of meals at home on the very, very, very cheap. And you'll buy meat and vegetables on the sale aisle and you'll forego expensive things for a year. And at the end of this year, hopefully you have a car that, that will get you from A to B. Doesn't have to be nice. And you'll have been able to make your rent and you're gonna have some cash in the bank for the first time in your whole, whole life.
- [39:10]
E
Yeah.
- [39:12]
B
Okay. This isn't, this isn't. I mean, it is a spiritual exercise, it's a psychological exercise, but it's a math problem that is a solvable math problem. It just comes at a high cost. Okay.
- [39:28]
E
I, I definitely want to look into getting some sort of like financial accountability person or something like that.
- [39:35]
B
I'll hook you up with that. I'll get you. I'm going to send you financial Peace University. I'm going to send you the Every Dollar app, the premium version. I'll give that to you for a year. Okay.
- [39:43]
E
Oh, my goodness.
- [39:44]
B
I'll hook you up with that stuff. That's the easy stuff. Those are tools. The challenge will be, can I use them when I'm feeling really, really low? Can I use these things and stay on the path when ex boyfriend circles back in the picture and I'm very, very lonely, Will I be able to use these things? One of my family members calls and says, you owe me. Fill in the blank.
- [40:17]
E
That's kind of where I'm at, is I'm totally, like, done with repeating a lot of negative patterns in life, negative coping that end me up in the same places.
- [40:28]
B
So awesome. But I want you to treat it like aa.
- [40:32]
E
Yeah.
- [40:33]
B
Which means you're not trying to crush the year. I'm trying to get through today. And if I can get through today, making more money than I spent. If I can get through today, I've got this goal of having $2,000 in a savings account at the end of the year or $5,000 in a savings account at the end of this year. And every day, I can look at my two jobs and say, I contributed this much more to that 5,000 bucks. And then I get up the next day and I do it again. I get up the next day, I do it again. It's a very boring, boring year. Instagram doesn't tell you how boring success is, especially at the beginning. It's repetitive. It's over and over. It's choosing to not eat the donut to lose the weight. It's choosing to go to the gym even when you don't feel like it. It's choosing just go to that second job even though you are so tired you can hardly. You can hardly open your eyelids.
- [41:28]
E
Yeah.
- [41:29]
B
And then you're going to wake up in 365 days and you're gonna have $5,000 in a checking account, and you're gonna exhale for the first time, and it's gonna be a choice. Then I'm not gonna upgrade apartments. I'm not gonna go buy a car that I can't afford. I'm gonna keep plugging you. Get what I'm saying? And this thing will breed this magic thing that's eluded you your whole life, which is confidence.
- [41:56]
E
So I should accept and kind of think about that. It's not gonna be fun, necessarily.
- [42:02]
B
There's nothing fun about entering into.
- [42:05]
E
Okay, okay.
- [42:06]
B
No, but you can look at that two ways. You can look at it as it's going to be miserable and awful and I hate my life. Or this morning I had a leg workout. It was nothing about it was fun. And I've been having some troubles with one of my feet. Like it, it hurt. It wasn't fun at all. It's painful and yet it was the next right thing.
- [42:30]
E
Right?
- [42:30]
D
Right.
- [42:34]
B
So people in community, continue seeing your counselor and make a plan for the next 12 months.
- [42:45]
D
Yeah.
- [42:46]
E
That's something I've never done in life. So that's this is a huge next step for sure.
- [42:51]
B
I'm really, really proud of you. I'm going to send you building a non anxious life too. I want you to use that book as a roadmap. Okay.
- [42:58]
E
Okay.
- [42:59]
B
I'll also send you my buddy Dave Ramsey's book, Total money makeover. I'm also going to send you my buddy Ken Coleman's book paycheck to Purpose. And I want you to begin thinking about life after minimum wage.
- [43:17]
E
Okay.
- [43:18]
B
If you scratch and claw for a year and get 5,000 bucks in, then you can afford to drop one of those jobs and go to night school and get trained up or your entry level behavior, behavioral health job will maybe pay for you to go to school. And we're going to start thinking bigger and slowly bigger and slowly bigger. Okay?
- [43:40]
E
Okay.
- [43:41]
B
Is that fair?
- [43:43]
E
Definitely.
- [43:45]
B
Okay. Today's day one and you've got a tough, tough road ahead of you. And I'm glad that you've already made steps to get people in your life. Okay? You call me anytime, any, anytime along this journey and I'll answer the phone for you. Okay? We'll have you back on. And I want you to hear me say this one last time. You are not a burden. You're not care what that old boyfriend said to you. I don't care what your parents said to you. I don't care what the world has said to you. You are not a burden. And it was a high honor that I got to talk to you today. Blessings to you. We'll be right back.
- [44:32]
C
All right, let's talk about my favorite mattresses on the planet, Helix mattresses. Summer is gone. The days are getting shorter. Fall is here. School is back in full swing. Football games are on. Everybody's running around crazy. And I'm finding myself and I know you are, too, wanting to numb out more and more. We have to be intentional when things get bananas about protecting our sleep. Because here's the truth. Sleep is an incredibly large part of how well we feel when we're not resting our minds can't reset Sleep is one of the most important things we can do to stay mentally sharp, emotionally steady, and able to show up for our families, our workplaces, and our communities. And this is why I love talking about Helix. Helix builds mattresses for you, not the generic average sleeper. So whether you're a hot sleeper, a side sleeper, a back sleeper, or somewhere in between, Helix designs mattresses around your needs, yours. So I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep quiz just like I did. It takes like two minutes and they're going to match you with exactly the right mattress. Right now, my audience can get 20% off their entire order. Go to helixsleep.com DeLoney for 20% off everything sitewide. That's helixsleep.com DeLoney and tell them you heard about Helix mattresses right here on this show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now.
- [46:08]
B
All right, we are back. Kelly, my skin kind of burns right now.
- [46:15]
F
I know how you feel. I'm. I'm wearing the logo of a. Of a cheater right now.
- [46:20]
B
I am wearing a logo of a.
- [46:24]
F
Recent World Series winner. Yes, you are.
- [46:26]
B
I'm wearing a logo of just a second rate Texas team. Texas. All of Texas is not doing great right now. No.
- [46:37]
F
But we don't need. This is a hap. A good thing we're talking about. So we don't need to get into that.
- [46:41]
B
Like, they're all kind of embarrassing. Like they're just not doing great. And these two teams, I don't think they're doing great either. No.
- [46:49]
F
But they're coming together for a good purpose.
- [46:51]
B
They are. Tell us about this purpose, Kelly. Kelly got me this shirt with the Houston Astros logo on it and.
- [46:56]
F
And a Texas Rangers.
- [46:57]
B
Texas Rangers logo on it.
- [46:59]
F
So as I'm sure everyone knows, back in July there was the horrific floods that happened in the hill country in Texas, and a lot of lives were lost. And so the Houston Astros and the Texas Rangers came together, which, by the way, does not happen.
- [47:18]
B
Nope.
- [47:18]
F
Never happens. And when they played, they had jerseys that were both teams logos on them. And so then they've also both been wearing these shirts for batting practices. And then they sold the shirts. And all money has gone to organizations that are supporting the cleanup and the families of those that were lost and those that were injured. So we thought that. I saw it. I was like, we, John and I, come together on this as well. And here we are.
- [47:50]
B
And Texas can't come together for about anything right now except for this. Yeah. So good job.
- [47:57]
F
We come together when it counts. When, when, when it's really important may not come together for politics or God Almighty.
- [48:04]
B
They can't come together for politics. Gosh, what are they doing?
- [48:07]
F
But when it matters. Yeah, it's about the best there is.
- [48:11]
B
There you go. So I have sworn off my Astros this year. But and I was the. I mean, just being born in Houston, we were raised to despise the Texas Rangers. But alas, for a good cause. Well done, Kelly. Together for Texas. If you want to check out these shirts, we'll link them to them in the show notes. Every little bit helps those families, man. There's just been some nasty devastation, and they're still cleaning up. Long way to go. Thank you guys for loving each other and for loving, loving your neighborhoods, man, and where you can come together, find common ground, do your best to find it. Bye.