Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be

Summary

Summary of "Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be" – The Dr. John DeLoney Show

Release Date: January 24, 2025

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Introduction

In this poignant episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, hosted by Ramsey Network, Dr. John DeLoney engages with Abigail from Albany, New York, who shares her challenging experiences as a new mother. The episode delves deep into the emotional turmoil that new parents often face, exploring themes of maternal guilt, marital strain, and the overwhelming demands of caring for a colicky infant.

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Abigail’s Journey as a New Mother

Abigail’s Blessings and Struggles

• Timestamp [00:05]: Abigail begins by expressing gratitude for her seven-month-old daughter, emphasizing their blessings despite the hardships.
• Maternal Guilt: Dr. DeLoney recognizes Abigail's underlying guilt about her situation, highlighting the common sentiment among new mothers feeling inadequate despite external blessings.

Health Challenges

• Timestamp [03:25]: Abigail discusses her baby’s severe colic and GERD, necessitating daily medications. She describes her infant as "a whirlwind," underscoring the intensity of care required.
• Impact on Emotional Well-being: The relentless discomfort and high needs of her baby have strained Abigail's mental health, making it difficult for her to enjoy motherhood.

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Navigating Marital Strain

Marriage Under Pressure

• Timestamp [12:12]: Dr. DeLoney notes that the stress of parenting a high-needs baby has rapidly taken a toll on Abigail and her husband’s relationship.
• Reconnection Efforts: Despite the challenges, Abigail mentions that focusing on their relationship has improved their marriage, though maintaining this bond remains an ongoing effort.

Effective Communication Strategies

• Timestamp [05:06]: Dr. DeLoney introduces practical exercises to help couples stay united during tough parenting seasons. He suggests writing down frustrations and addressing them constructively to prevent resentment.
• Support Systems: Abigail admits the absence of a support network, emphasizing the importance of reaching out to friends or hiring help to alleviate parental stress.

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Dr. DeLoney’s Advice and Interventions

Validating Emotions

• Timestamp [03:53]: Dr. DeLoney empathizes with Abigail's feelings, affirming that her anger and frustration are valid and not indicative of her being a bad mother.

Practical Solutions

• Timestamp [12:56]: He encourages Abigail to seek external help, whether through friends, neighbors, or professional services, to gain respite and maintain her mental health.
• Timestamp [16:02]: Acknowledging the difficulty in accessing therapy, Dr. DeLoney urges Abigail to find alternative therapeutic support to process her emotions effectively.

Stress Management Techniques

• Timestamp [18:27]: Dr. DeLoney advises Abigail to adopt intentional practices such as regular check-ins with her spouse and integrating small, manageable routines to maintain their marital connection.

Mindset Shifts

• Timestamp [19:12]: He highlights the importance of letting go of unrealistic expectations about motherhood and accepting the present reality to foster inner peace and resilience.

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Listener Interactions and Further Discussions

Caller Sarah’s Struggles with Familial Reconciliation

• Timestamp [24:11]: The episode transitions to a conversation with Sarah from Portland, who has severed ties with her family eight years ago due to emotional pain. Now at age 75, she grapples with regret and the desire to reconnect before it’s too late.
• Emotional Barriers: Sarah expresses physical nausea at the thought of reaching out, indicating deep-seated trauma and fear of reigniting old wounds.

Dr. DeLoney’s Guidance on Forgiveness and Letting Go

• Timestamp [29:00]: Dr. DeLoney delves into the concept of forgiveness as a personal liberation rather than an obligation to others. He provides actionable steps for Sarah to release her long-held resentments, emphasizing that forgiveness is for her own peace.
• Symbolic Exercises: He suggests writing unsent letters to her parents to articulate her feelings and begin the process of emotional release.

Encouraging Open Communication

• Timestamp [33:16]: In response to Sarah’s fear of unintended consequences, Dr. DeLoney advises maintaining open, honest communication with her children about their grandmother’s passing without overwhelming them with details prematurely.

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Key Takeaways and Conclusions

• Acknowledgment of Parental Struggles: The episode underscores that feelings of inadequacy and frustration are common among new parents, especially those dealing with high-needs infants.

• Importance of Marital Support: Maintaining a strong marital bond is crucial during challenging parenting phases. Couples are encouraged to prioritize their relationship and seek external support when necessary.

• Personal Growth through Forgiveness: Forgiveness is presented as a means of personal healing rather than absolving others, allowing individuals like Sarah to break free from the chains of past traumas.

• Practical Tools for Emotional Well-being: Dr. DeLoney provides listeners with actionable strategies, such as writing exercises and communication techniques, to navigate emotional challenges effectively.

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Notable Quotes

• Abigail on Her Struggles:

  "It's been really, really hard."
  — Abigail [03:53]

• Dr. DeLoney on Anger:

  "Anger's good. Being mad is good."
  — Dr. John DeLoney [06:51]

• Dr. DeLoney on Forgiveness:

  "Forgiveness is for you saying, I'm not carrying your crap anymore."
  — Dr. John DeLoney [29:29]

• Sarah Reflecting on Letting Go:

  "I don't want to carry it anymore."
  — Sarah [31:35]

• Dr. DeLoney’s Encouragement:

  "You're not a bad mom. Whatever you're going through is right."
  — Dr. John DeLoney [03:25]

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Conclusion

"Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be" offers a raw and honest exploration of the complexities of motherhood and the ripple effects it has on one’s personal and marital life. Through empathetic dialogue and practical advice, Dr. DeLoney provides a supportive space for listeners navigating similar challenges, reinforcing the message that seeking help and maintaining open communication are vital for overcoming life's toughest seasons.

Transcript

[Abigail]

We have a seven month old and we are super blessed.

[John DeLoney]

You already have some deep, deep mom guilt about what you're about to tell.

[Abigail]

Me and what and she is colicky as all thin.

[John DeLoney]

Geez.

[Abigail]

I'm having a really hard time seeing those around me enjoying this season.

[John DeLoney]

What's going on? What's going on? This is jon with the doctor Joe John DeLoney Show. Show about your marriage, your mental health, your emotional health, joy, laughter, fun, grief, Hard, hard stuff. Tough seasons, not knowing what to do next. That's what this show is about. My promise is I'll sit with you and we will figure out what to do next. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to john deloney.com ask a S-K quick reminder, ask. I get loads, loads and loads and loads and loads of requests via dms. I don't even read those. I don't check on them. And so I do check my DMs, but if it's, if it's like a personal topic, I don't read it. I skip it and move on. So if you want to be on the show, social media is not the place. Call 1-844-693-3291 or go to john deloney.com ask. All right, let's go out to Albany, New York and talk to the one and only Abigail. Hey, Abigail. What's happening?

[Abigail]

Hi, it's me. The one and only.

[John DeLoney]

The one and only. How's it going?

[Abigail]

I'm trying.

[John DeLoney]

Oh, man. Well, thanks for. Thanks for coming to hang out. Pull up a seat. What's up?

[Abigail]

Thank you. I've been listening since 2020. It's crazy to think it's been four years. I never would imagined.

[John DeLoney]

Wow.

[Abigail]

That I am where I am now.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah, me. Neat. Trust me, me neither. Yeah, good grief.

[Sarah]

Yeah, right?

[Abigail]

Oh, I don't even know where to start.

[John DeLoney]

Just cannonball. Just cannonball in. Hey, do me a favor. Take a big, big deep breath and exhale it. And I know that you psyched yourself up and you were like, you're not going to be the one that on the show that has to take a deep breath. And so it's okay. It's all right. So what's happening?

[Abigail]

We are in one of those tough seasons right now. My husband and I, we have a seven month old and we are super blessed. She is mostly healthy. We didn't have much trouble conceiving.

[John DeLoney]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Can I stop you right there.

[Abigail]

Great.

[John DeLoney]

I know, I know it's too soon to stop you, but I'm going to. Yeah, I can tell you already have some deep, deep mom guilt about what you're about to tell me, and so you feel like you have to preface it with all of these great things so you can cosmically balance it out before you hit the other side, whatever you're about to say. You as a new mom and a new mom trying to figure out how to be married as a new mom. All that mess. You're allowed to be sad, you're allowed to be frustrated. You're allowed to be sick to your stomach. You're allowed to have all those things. Okay. So you don't have to preface it with, I know I'm blessed and I know you had. There's going to be no negative, like, YouTube comments from me. Okay. Yeah, you're good. Whatever you're going through is right. Okay. All right. So your baby is mostly healthy. You are blessed. And what?

[Abigail]

And she is colicky as. All thin. She's out of her mind, and she's got really bad reflux gerd. So, you know, she's on daily medications for that. And she. I think at baseline she is just a really difficult, high needs baby. So add in physical discomfort and she is a whirlwind. It's been really, really hard.

[John DeLoney]

Sit with me on that for a second. I was going to say these things out loud. Stop me if I'm wrong. Okay.

[Abigail]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

You have a pretty good husband.

[Abigail]

Yeah, he's great.

[John DeLoney]

Y'all were going to have this beautiful family and it was going to look like this. Whatever this is. It was going to feel like this. You're going to be one of those moms, one of those wives. He was going to be one of those dads. And you probably have some stupid friend whose baby's the best baby ever. And.

[Abigail]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And then you get this angel who won't shot. Right. Like just screams and screams and screams and screams. Is that about right?

[Abigail]

Yeah, that is exactly right.

[John DeLoney]

I hate this for you. I hate it. I hate it for that little baby and the discomfort. And I hate it for you and hate for your husband. Hate it for marriage. Hate it for that picture you had.

[Abigail]

It's really hard being able to see how different things could look like if she was more comfortable, if her temperament might have been a little bit different. And I'm having a really hard time seeing those around me enjoying this season.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Abigail]

When. Forget that.

[John DeLoney]

Screw them. Forget them. Forget them. Okay. Because that. It's It's a. It's like getting married and not turning off your. Your. Your hinge account. Right. It's like buying a house and keeping the. The Zillow listings open. Like, this is your baby. And choosing to enter into the space of other people's babies and what they have. It's a choice to make yourself a little more miserable in an already miserable season.

[Abigail]

Absolutely. My. My best friend's baby's three months younger than mine, and they struggled in a lot of different ways. Ivf, you know, the whole nine yards. So they had a really tough journey to get here. And getting here has been great now that he's here. And so, you know, we're going back and forth and trying to listen to her daily complaints and support her in the same way she supports me. And I'm having a hard time not being like, man, you don't. You're not struggling right now. It's okay.

[John DeLoney]

All right. Can I say something out loud?

[Abigail]

I want to be there for. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

I feel terrible. I keep interrupting you, and I feel awful. I just feel like I would ask your permission to hug you if you were here and your husband, and so I'm sorry to keep interrupting. I know it's rude of me. Hear me say directly, Abigail, she is not better at this than you. She is not a better mom than you. She is not better at taking care of her baby than you. She's not. Okay.

[Abigail]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Just sucks. By the way. Anger's good. Being mad is good. Anger is just simply points you towards something that you wanted it a certain way and it's not. Or it was supposed to be a certain way and it's not. Anger's good. It's. You're not a bad mom because you get. You get angry that this kid won't stop screaming. And this is supposed to be some beautiful moment. The kid is ruining it. The kid's gonna ruin lots of other moments. So it's got. Is what it is, right? Let me ask you this. Is your rage against the baby? Is your upsetness, or is it against the way you were so desperate to have it?

[Abigail]

It has been. And when I fight really hard to not focus that energy on the baby, it's. It's on the world.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. So that was my next question. Is the rage against the baby, or is the anger against feeling powerless?

[Abigail]

Both.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Most of the time, parents, when they first are faced with the fact that someone's going to break their kid's heart, that someone's going to get in a wreck and hit Their kid, that their kid's going to fail a class, that they're. There's that powerless feeling. And parents react all different ways. Anxious, depressed, overbearing, Hide, they run, they get mad at the world. Your response is. Your response. Okay. I just want you to know I'm trying to say I don't want you. I want you to know you're not broken. And it's not the baby's fault. It just is.

[Abigail]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And it sucks. So can I ask you a hard John Deloney question?

[Abigail]

Yeah, of course.

[John DeLoney]

Seven months in now, this has turned and it's messing with your marriage. Now it's turn. It's messing with your friendships. Now it's turning. It's messing with that incredible mom and woman that you see in the mirror every day. Is the anger and rage and frustration, is it helping?

[Abigail]

No, it's helping nothing. Okay. So I'm trying to let go and be in the moment more. But it's like our tolerance for this as she gets better somehow gets lower.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean that's like. Because you, you got that from some awesome mom magazine. Just be present in the moment. No, kid won't stop screaming. Right. Like it's easy to be like, you know what, you should meditate more. And there's fine. Listen, you're not crazy. This is maddening. It's heartbreaking. It's not what you pictured and it's not forever. And I would be really hesitant to cast character judgments on your kid. Like they have X or Y kind of temperament. Maybe.

[Abigail]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

But maybe your baby's just allergic to the way your body processes milk or so who knows, right?

[Abigail]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And so whatever is going on is going on. I. I did have heard of some success with GI doctors. I'm sure you all gone down can go.

[Abigail]

Oh yeah, we had a GI appointment yesterday. Our formula is $800 a month. We're doing everything.

[John DeLoney]

Good God almighty. Okay. And maybe it's. Maybe kid needs $30 formula from Walmart. Oh man, I'm gonna get some. I'm gonna get some hate on that one. What? What? Like here's the thing. Not forever, right?

[Abigail]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

So anytime I sit down with a family and they're dealing with something like this, like our baby's really hard or baby sick, I'm sit. Or if I sit down with a family who's got a child, who's got a terminal something or other, I always tell them less. Like, how do we handle the kid, what conversations we need to have, what things we need to be doing in the House, we can get to all of those, but I always tell them, here's number one. The stats say that this is going to mess up your marriage. And so let's actually start there. Okay? So I would love for y'all to. And this is an obnoxious exercise. It's silly. And y'all are probably gonna be rolling your eyes and laughing, right? You and your poor husband. But I want you all to do this. This is a. Like an exercise in. We're just gonna do it to do it. Because some moron podcast. I'm not saying that anymore. Some podcaster said like to do this right? So I want you all to sit on the same side of your kitchen table together, and I want you to get a note card, and I want you to write colic on it, and I want you to set it in the middle of the table, arm's length away from you. And I want you both to look at colic for 30 seconds while you're holding hands and say. No words. Just time it. Just stare at that word. That is the bad guy here. Not your husband who's getting frustrated at you getting frustrated. Not your husband who is just kind of fed up and he's got to go to work and he's got to sleep, too. And why don't you. I. One of us has to. All that stuff that happens, and then why can't you just be happy? And he's not grieving enough, and you're grieving too much. Or vice versa. Y'all are on the same team. Okay? That's a simple, silly, 30 second exercise. But I want it to be. And then I want you all to make a plan. How do we stay together? How do we get tighter at the end of this thing? Not further apart from each other. What does that mean? You're gonna have to say, here's what I need. Here's what I want. Do we have signals? Do we have plans? Do you already have that? Or y'all just fly by night?

[Sarah]

This.

[Abigail]

This took a toll on us really, really quickly. Yep. We were really good at passing back and forth and trying to stay recharged, but she's so amped up that we both can't stay charged.

[John DeLoney]

Of course. There you go.

[Abigail]

Which really just was detrimental to us as a unit. And in the past couple months, we've. We've really focused on us, and things are kind of better than ever between us.

[John DeLoney]

Excellent. Oh, so good. So good.

[Abigail]

And we're just trying to fight to stay there.

[John DeLoney]

Perfect. Okay, Do. Do you have friends that you call.

[Abigail]

No.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. You are not a bad mom. By calling somebody and saying, I'm at the end of my rope. I need you to come hold my baby for 30 minutes while I go for a walk.

[Abigail]

In fact, we don't have anyone.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you just to get on the phone and figure it out.

[Abigail]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Call a local teenager. Call a kid. Call a. And. And again, you're not running away. And I say call a kid. Like my son when he was 10 or 11, he would go to somebody's house and they were frustrated and. Or they were cleaning, they're doing something, and plus played Legos, whatever. The thing is, right? And I know people like, he's a screaming whatever. But you know what I'm saying? If you have to hire somebody, hire somebody.

[Abigail]

We've been so scared to.

[John DeLoney]

I know, because.

[Abigail]

Sorry.

[John DeLoney]

Go for it. You're okay. You're okay.

[Abigail]

Super dark. And a lot of people don't admit that. But when you struggle to not be angry at your own baby, when you struggle with intrusive thoughts about your baby, you. I mean, if I struggle with it, how would a stranger deal with it?

[John DeLoney]

The stranger knows exactly what they're walking into. And here's what the stranger is doing. They get 30 minutes or an hour to help out a friend. They get. And not, oh, my gosh, this mom is so bad. That's what you think's gonna happen? They're gonna come in and go, oh, my gosh, this woman's amazing. And she does this 24 7, 365. And all you can see is the thoughts that you have, the ones that scare you, and you project those into everybody else's head. It's not true. It would be such a. And here's the thing. Here's what the baby gets. A mom with a centimeter more capacity. That's a gift.

[Abigail]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, So I want you to set the judgment of yourself down. I want you to set the judgment of your. Your family unit down. I want you to set any of those stories that you're making up, set them down and reach out for somebody. Do you have a neighbor that will come by and hold your kid? Do you have anything?

[Abigail]

I have someone in mind. I've got a client who's been begging to watch her, who's amazing.

[John DeLoney]

Okay? Say, I need 30 minutes. I need two hours. And by the way, this kid is going to scream the whole time, and I'm going to double your rate. Right. Whatever. You. You are less being a babysitter, and you are more Being a mommy savior. Right?

[Abigail]

Like, yeah.

[John DeLoney]

See what I'm saying? And okay, here's number. Whatever. I'm just making these things up instead of comparing to friends. I want you to reach out to them. Okay? So I want you to have an open conversation with your friend. Hey, we're really struggling. Your baby's amazing. It's awesome. There may be days that I call you for 30 minutes or for an hour. It would be a real gift. And I'll return the favor. And maybe your friend will get a dose of. Oh, Right. And I also want to promise you this. As much as they're painting, whatever picture they're painting is not true. It's not. It's not what you're going through, but it's not perfect.

[Abigail]

Right?

[John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you to begin to write down your thoughts. And I know you're terrified to put them on paper, but I want you to get them out of your head because they're killing you.

[Abigail]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Do you have somebody you can talk to.

[Abigail]

Regarding therapy at the moment? No.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. That's a must.

[Abigail]

Tried when she was born and got a referral and was told 12 weeks and I'm still waiting.

[John DeLoney]

Find somebody else. Okay.

[Abigail]

Yeah. Okay. I need to make the time.

[John DeLoney]

Make the time. But saying these things out loud and having somebody not flinch like. I'm not flinching. Hope you can hear my voice. I'm not flinching. You got thoughts just shooting all through your mind. Okay. But write them down. Get them out of your body. You're not going to keep them. You'll shred them, you'll burn them, whatever you want to do with them. It's probably not a journal you want your friends to find. You definitely don't want your kid to find it later, right?

[Abigail]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

But I want you to get them out of your head because then here's the deal. When you get them out of your head, you can look at them and you can do the one. My. One of my favorite exercises in the world is to demand. Is this true? Is this true? I wish I'd never had this baby. Is that true? No. My husband sucks. He's the worst. He doesn't love me or support me. Is that true? No. Right. You get him out of your head and you can begin to challenge him. Okay. You know, this isn't forever. And this is one other thing. I, I, I read about this. Don't know if it's true or not. Again, this is. There's few annoying, more annoying things than having some man tell some new mom what she could be doing. Right. That's the worst. The worst. But here we go. I have heard that maybe a possible potential secret, particularly if dietary things aren't changing anything, is that some kids like noise. And so this sounds counterintuitive, but maybe taking a crying baby out on the subway, taking a quiet baby out into. I mean, a yelling baby out into where it's loud sometimes quiets them up.

[Abigail]

We live on a busy street, and we go to the end of the driveway and watch the cars.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, there you go. So maybe. Maybe that's it. Maybe sitting in the room with the washer and dryer going and the vacuum going and you have headphones on. Maybe that's it.

[Abigail]

I'm so tired of vacuuming.

[John DeLoney]

I know. I'm not talking about vacuuming. I'm just saying, like, yeah, turn it off. But just. Just to create some noise.

[Abigail]

But, yeah.

[John DeLoney]

I think we're past tools at this point. You and your husband are smart, and you all got Google. Y'all can figure those things out. The bigger deal is this. You're not crazy, and you cannot do all this by yourself.

[Abigail]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. And it's okay to be angry, and it's okay to be frustrated. I don't want you to assume. You said something earlier, like, me and my husband have come closer together, and we're just trying to hang on to it. Let's be really intentional about hanging on. Let's meet once a week. One out of ten. How are you? I'm a four. I'm a seven. No way. Cool. You just got crying baby duty early on this week. Right. And then we'll work, but I want you to be really, really intentional about it. Is that fair?

[Abigail]

Yeah. That's, like, the only thing that helps.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. And we're going to start bringing some friends into this.

[Abigail]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Do you trust me that you're good at this?

[Abigail]

I think if we had a calm baby, we'd be crushing it right now.

[John DeLoney]

No, if you had a calm baby. If you had a. If you had a calm baby, you would be under an illusion that y'all are amazing. When I had my son, I remember. I don't know if I've told the show, my wife was a professor, I was a professor, we had my son. And after about six months, or. No, it's about a year, I remember telling my wife over dinner, we're amazing at this. Every other parent is an idiot. Why don't we quit our jobs and go on the road and just teach people how to be parents? Then my daughter came.

[Abigail]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Then I realized I don't know anything. I know no things, right? I don't know anything on the planet, right? So the. The. The illusion is the challenges you're. You're imagining, man. If it was just this, then everything would be better. It wouldn't be. I promise you. It'd be different now. You're in hell. You're in misery, right? And we want this baby to quit screaming. Yes. No question about it. But fantasizing about what it could be is. Is a waste of energy. It's a waste of time. And it's not true, because you don't know. You don't know. But you know you love your husband. You know you love his baby. And you know your baby won't stop screaming. And we know this isn't forever. Get those thoughts out of your head. Get yourself connected. Get some other people. Invite them in. Nobody's going to judge you as harshly as you judge yourself. I'm proud of you for reaching out, and I'm grateful for you. We need more moms who care about their kids and more. More moms who want to do this right. It's been a blessing down the line. I'm going to send you building a non anxious life as my gift to you. You and your husband can use. It has nothing to do with your colicky baby, but I feel like I want to give you something and I can't give you a hug. So thanks for being on the show. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody, listen to this. My friends at Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe, that every single member of my family sleeps on, they are in their final hours of their new year sale right now. Now listen, I get it. You're trying to hang on to those resolutions and new habits and systems for this new year. But you still aren't getting the good sleep that you desperately need to build a great life on. I've struggled with getting good sleep my entire life. And sleeping on my Helix mattress has transformed my rest. And now that I've created a great sleep routine and I've got my Helix mattress, I'm consistently getting deep, refreshing sleep. Now listen, this is important. Everyone has their own unique sleep positions. Everyone's body is different. So Helix has created different mattress models designed for everyone, for side sleepers, stomach sleepers, back sleepers, all of you. And if your spine needs some extra support and comfort, they have mattresses just for you, too. Helix offers a hundred night trial and all Helix mattresses come with either a 10 or 15 year warranty. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. I did it too. And you'll find the perfect mattress for your sleep preference in like two minutes or less. Here's the kicker. The Helix New Year Sale is in its final hours. Get 20% off site wide plus two dream pillows with a mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com deloney today go right now. That's Helix H E L I x helix sleep.com Deloney with Helix better Sleep starts right now. It's the new year. It's my favorite time of the year. Everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't that helpful. And overall, people are thinking about building a better life. And we all know that most new go get em goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and better systems. And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your heart and your soul. Let's start this year with our spiritual lives. And let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it. Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God, answer hard questions, and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that are perfect to start your day with. And one of Hallow's most popular features is the Daily Reflection with Jonathan Roumie from the the Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, the nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the Daily Minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now they're offering three months for free when you join at hallow.com DeLoney that's hallow.com DeLoney for three months of Hallow to get your year started absolutely free. Go check them out. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Portland and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah?

[Sarah]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

How we doing?

[Sarah]

Morning? We're good.

[John DeLoney]

Excellent. What's up?

[Sarah]

Jumping right into it. My question I pretty much cut off all contact with my family, including my mom, dad and my. My two siblings.

[John DeLoney]

Yikes. What happened?

[Sarah]

Oh, just enough was enough. Emotionally. Just tired of the hurt and disappointment. And I made that decision about eight years ago as I was going through therapy and. But my question is, my parents are now 75, and I know their time is coming soon. I dream often that if I didn't reach out and try to heal our relationship, I'm going to regret it. And I still can't pick up the phone every day. And it's not unforgiveness to what happened. It's more that my life is so much more peaceful without any of them in it. So I struggle with this. It's daily and it's consuming. It's affected my immediate family because of my barriers and fears. And so. But I just can't. The thought of talking to them just makes me physically nauseous and just. I just can't do it.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. And so you're. You sound trapped, like you can't reach out and call them. You've tried. You've tried. You've stared at that phone and you're starting to. That gnawing shadow sense that you can't not call them.

[Sarah]

Right. Because I don't want it to hold. Because regardless of me not having contact with them, they still have the power over me.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Sarah]

Even in this situation.

[John DeLoney]

Well, that's my question to you is you're not fully well yet.

[Sarah]

Oh, no.

[John DeLoney]

Because they still haunt you.

[Sarah]

Oh, yeah.

[John DeLoney]

So tell me what you're hanging on to.

[Sarah]

I don't know. I don't. I mean, just the. Just so hurt and betrayed and neglected and just. I'm 53. I should be over this by now. And I know.

[John DeLoney]

Here's. Here's what it is. Can I tell you what I think it is? I may be wrong. I think that inside that little girl, still trying to figure out what she did wrong. And the fantasy you have is that one day, the thing that you did, you'll finally figure it out and you can finally fix it. So your mom will say, welcome home, honey. And your dad will say, there's my girl. And so the scary hard part is you. You didn't do anything wrong. You're a kid. And you're right, you're 53, and you're still trying to figure out, what did you do?

[Sarah]

The problem. The thing is, is that they both come to me with, oh, I'll do whatever it takes to fix this. Let's get a mentor. My dad. My mom is just. She's always. It's been abandonment my whole Life. So it's. I mean, it. A pattern. But the more he tries to fix it, it's kind of like, well, now you see what it feels like, you.

[John DeLoney]

Know, I mean, my whole life, what does that get?

[Sarah]

It doesn't. And I know that's the pattern.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. It's a cancer. Well, in a strange way, you're becoming him.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

In an effort to teach him what he did to you, you're just doing what he did. Like the. The thing perpetuates. Yeah.

[Sarah]

Yeah, right. And I could see it, and that's why I reached out, because I'm physically affected by it.

[John DeLoney]

Of course. Of course.

[Sarah]

So.

[John DeLoney]

So here's. Here's. Here's my. I'm just going to give you. You. And I would have to sit down for a long time and peel back what they did, what they said. Where did you come up with this decision? But let me. Here's my guiding rules of these kind of issues. I always want to, like. My personal bent is always seeking reconciliation. I believe in that. And I've worked with enough people who have experienced evil trauma to know it's not always possible. And so it's both. Right. But I know this. If the person who hurt you still has control over you, that reconciliation won't happen. You just fall back into the same pattern. If you have set the brick down that your dad gave you when you were young, and I don't know what it is, abandonment, abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual. Who knows what it is?

[Sarah]

All of us.

[John DeLoney]

But if you set it down, you. You and forgiveness. Remember this. Forgiveness is not. And I go round and round with colleagues who say, like, not everyone is worth forgiving. And I don't. My clients don't have to forgive everybody. I would say, okay, but forgiveness is for you. Forgiveness is you saying, I'm not carrying your crap anymore. I'm setting it down. I am free. It's the great CS Lewis talks about, hell is locked from the inside.

[Sarah]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

Right. So I am opening the prison, and I'm. I'm heading out, and then I can greet you at the gate because I'm free to come and go. And so you may have heard, in some of my earlier episodes, I used to tell people, take a go. Go to Lowe's and buy a cinder block. Put a couple of pieces of duct tape on that cinder block and get a Sharpie and write the things that happened to you by this man. Write them on that duct tape. Hold that cinder block, carry it around your backyard for a while. 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 3 minutes. As long as you can hold it until your arms start burning and your hands get tired. And then take it somewhere in the very backyard and throw it away. Set it down, but let it be a symbolic move. I am done carrying this. I've been to therapy. I've got my own family. I've got my own kids. I am not carrying you anymore. And then tear the tape off, throw it away. And if you can do that.

[Sarah]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

But you're going to feel powerless because right now you feel this pseudo weird. I'm in power. Because now you're following me around. Now you're chasing me. Now I'm abandoning you. Haha. And you realize, oh, no, I'm just. I just took the cancer baton and I'm spreading it into my family still.

[Sarah]

Right, Right.

[John DeLoney]

I missed. I'm done.

[Sarah]

Yeah. Because it wasn't them directly. It was what they allowed to happen.

[John DeLoney]

Either way. Either way.

[Sarah]

It doesn't. Yeah. I mean, and I just.

[John DeLoney]

You're 53. You're 53. You're fifty three. How long are you going to carry out? How long are you going to carry.

[Sarah]

I know, I know.

[John DeLoney]

How long are you going to carry it?

[Sarah]

I don't want to carry it anymore.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. I mean, and maybe that's the question that will never be answered. Why didn't you all protect me?

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Why didn't you protect me?

[Sarah]

Because that's. That's it. That's it.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Do you need that protection anymore?

[Sarah]

No.

[John DeLoney]

You're free. No, you're free.

[Sarah]

No, I am.

[John DeLoney]

You're free. Hell. The gates of hell. The gates of your hell are locked on the inside. Open the gates.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Are you married?

[Sarah]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Do you like that guy?

[Sarah]

Oh, my God.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Sarah]

He's like, amazing.

[John DeLoney]

You have. You have kids?

[Sarah]

Yep, we have four.

[John DeLoney]

Are they amazing?

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Squirrely and messy and loud and all the chaos and all the fun.

[Sarah]

Two older and twins that are just turning 20s. But yes, they're. They're why I'm here every day.

[John DeLoney]

Do you have. Do you have friends? You have a gang?

[Sarah]

No, just relocated. So. I have one. I have one.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. You're on the path. You're on the path.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

So you don't. You don't need to look for your dad for protection anymore. He had a shot and he botched it.

[Sarah]

Okay, so. But how about this communication? Like, it's the little things. Like, Evan talked to my mom since her birthday. I mean, so.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. But if you listen, if you talk to your mom for. Yeah, it's awkward, but it's awkward because you allow it to be.

[Sarah]

But is it normal to just talk to someone twice a year or three times a year?

[John DeLoney]

If that's the safest thing you've established, then, yeah, if that's all they can handle. I have a personal rule. My personal rule is I don't talk to people unless they can hear me, Period. So when someone bombs my DMs and is like, you don't do this or you don't have. I can't respond to you because you're not going to hear me when one of my psychology professor colleagues calls me on the phone and is like, hey, man, I caught your show. You answered it this way. Let's talk about that. That's awesome. Now we're back and forth.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Right? My mom.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Is amazing, and she's not perfect. My sister, my brother, my dad, they're all amazing and they're not perfect. I'm not either. And so if my dad says something, I can call my dad and say, hey, don't say that again. And he'll go, oh, oh, okay. Okay.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Or I could tell my brother, hey, that joke wasn't funny too far. He's like, I know. Sorry, sorry, sorry. And trust me, they tell me all those things too.

[Sarah]

Right, Right.

[John DeLoney]

Because I can hear them and they can hear me. And if your mom can only handle two or three cards a year, then that's what she can handle.

[Sarah]

That makes it. Oh, that makes a lot of sense.

[John DeLoney]

But. But you're sending these cards expecting something more than that card can give.

[Sarah]

Right? I'm always thinking, this is the time. And they're gonna say, oh, my gosh.

[John DeLoney]

Listen, that call will never come.

[Sarah]

It's never that. And that's why the communication cut. Because I just so tired of being. Thinking this was the time, and it's never happened.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, but listen to what you just said. And it's very important. Okay? I think we have a culture that cuts ties with family too quickly. Not saying yours. I mean, you. You're. I trust that you went through hell and that you did what was right, especially in consultation with a professional. I get that. But it was your expectations of what they needed to do and how they needed to do it that they couldn't meet. You cast them as actors in your movie and you got mad at them that they didn't know the lines and they didn't even know they were in a film.

[Sarah]

My God, that's so true.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, I have. I have a dad who's in his mid-70s or early-70s. He's a lifetime Texas police officer. I would love for him to grab my face and look at me in the eyes and say, I love you, and I'm so proud that you are my son. I did a pretty good job with you, and you're an amazing man. That tool isn't in his toolkit. And by the way, if he did that, it would freak me out. Right?

[Sarah]

Yes. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

My dad did write me an amazing card this year for Christmas that I will probably, at some point, get part of it tattooed on my body.

[Sarah]

Right?

[John DeLoney]

Right.

[Sarah]

And it says that with his capacity, not what he.

[John DeLoney]

That's the tools he's got.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And how. Who am I to get mad at the carpenter for having to use a handsaw instead of having, like, he didn't have the tool in the kit. It's great, right? It's my. It's my fantasy that I cast him in. It's not fair to him. He's an amazing man. And by the way, my field of dreams moment. Right. Isn't real either.

[Sarah]

Right, True.

[John DeLoney]

Because if your dad called you and he's like, hey, I'm coming to visit. I need to see you. And you got all tangent. We will not meet at my house. We will meet. So. Okay. And he sat across the table from you in a diner, and he said, listen to you. I screwed up. I should have been there to protect you. I wasn't there, and I'm sorry. I failed you as your dad when you were young. And then I've been chasing your approval ever since. And I know I put too much on you, and I'm so sorry. Will you forgive me? And you said yes. And y'all hugged. There's no music that will swell. There's no flashback or montage scene that kicks in. You'll get in your car and you might sob and you might feel some peace and relief, and then you're gonna go home and your husband's gonna be walking out of the bathroom with his iPad and the smell is gonna be so bad, and it's gonna knock your head. Your life will go back to your life. Yeah. Right. And so grieve like mad. Write him a letter that you'll never send him. Don't ever send it. Write it. Get it out of your body. Free yourself.

[Sarah]

Okay. And then I have written the letter. But I did send it, which is probably.

[John DeLoney]

Well. Well, here's the thing. It didn't. It didn't feel like you thought it was going to, did it? You thought, I'm going to bomb him. I'M going to tell him what's up, and you feel like crap. And that's one of the modern revenge lies. Doesn't feel good.

[Sarah]

No, no. And it's. And holding on to my copies and my. All my notes, on the whole. Everything over all the years, it's. It wasn't the acts of the things. It was the emotional instability right where.

[John DeLoney]

But you're. But you said.

[Sarah]

You get that.

[John DeLoney]

You literally said it. You're holding on to it. What's that giving you?

[Sarah]

Nothing. No, no, no. You made it very clear. I think the movie scenario is the best thing I think I've heard in. Even in all my years of therapy. That is my expectation. Is my expectation. I can't expect someone else to live up to that, especially when they don't even know what my expectation is.

[John DeLoney]

And can we. Can I be honest? I bet he's gotten better. And your expectation moves because your expectation is trying to inspire a feeling. Well, no, you think it's going to feel a certain way, and it never does. And so you just move it. Okay, you don't need to just apologize. You need to get on your hands and knees. Okay, you don't need to go on your hands and knees. You need to reroof my house. No, you need to send me money because you should have, like, it just keeps moving because you'll never get that feeling. It's like the conversations I've had with people who are trapped in heroin. They tell me the first time they knew, oh, I'm gonna do this rest of my life. And you're chasing ghosts and never feel the highs. Never that good. That's the same with feelings. You just chasing and chasing and chasing. It quit. Quit.

[Sarah]

How do you. How do you move forward? Or how do you show forgiveness? I know forgiveness is internal, but without feeling like they won. Like, I feel like if I let my guard down, then he won.

[John DeLoney]

And that means you're still playing a game. Okay, quit playing the game. You listen. You won. You have an amazing marriage. You've got four amazing kids. You just moved to a new town. You already have one friend that's more than I've got. Kelly calls herself my friend, but let's be honest. No, she's like. She's shaking her head. No, she's not. Bob's my friend. Right? Like, you won. And so, like, how do I feel? Like they. That I. If I do this, if I forgive them, if I send a Mother's Day card, they win. No, they didn't. Because you're not Even playing. I'm out of the game and I want everybody to hear me. Somebody abused you. Somebody hurt you. Somebody continues to haunt you. They've got some. They continue to try to use you. No, that relationship's over. And it's okay to grieve it. It's okay to wish that you had grandparents for your grandkids. They're not there. Didn't happen. I'm going to grieve it. And then I'm going to stop carrying it around. Because choosing to carry it anymore is choosing to be miserable in the limited time I got left. I wonder what it would be like, Sarah, if you just burned all those notes and letters you saved for all those years. I'm not recommending you do that. But I wonder what it would be like. Because I bet a part of your identity over the years has become this really tough person who cuts people off. And I hold on to it. How's that working? That's the great Dr. Phil asked. How's that working for you? What if we let go? What if we open our hands? What if we unlocked our own hell from the inside and just said, I'm. I'll see y'all later. I'm gonna go be with my amazing family. I'm free. Happy Father's Day, Dad. I wish you the absolute best. Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I hope today is a good day for you and you can genuinely wish that for them. That doesn't mean I have a relationship with you. That doesn't mean I'm not sit down. Have a meal with you. But I do hope that your day is good. That, my friend, that's freedom. We'll be right back. Okay? I want to tell you about my friends at Cozy Earth. Over the last few weeks, my sleep has been off. I've been spending more time on screens than I like, and I'm traveling all over the place. I'm just feeling disconnected. Here's the deal. Starting this year off, right starts with good sleep period, full stop. And that means creating a space that helps you rest. For me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in. Their bedding is soft, breathable, and it keeps us cool and comfortable all night. It helps us create that perfect sleep sanctuary that we all need to be restored. My wife sleeps in the Cozy Earth's long sleeved bamboo pajama set every night. She loves them. And my whole family is in love with the Cozy Earth sheets and bedding and the bath linens that have the best towels in the world. And just this Morning. My son came downstairs weari Cozy Earth Cityscape hoodie that he stole from my closet. Listen, let's do a restart this year. Let's put down the phone, let's set a regular bedtime and get comfortable. When possible, let's everybody keep their own clothes, and let's invest in our sleep all with Cozy Earth. When we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. And right now, Cozy Earth is offering a 40% off discount code exclusively for my listeners. Visit cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 40% off. That's cozy C O Z Y cozyearth.com DeLONEY and use code Deloney at checkout. All right, let's go out to Princeton, Minnesota and talk to Joe. Hey, Joe. What's up, man?

[Joe]

Hey. How's it going, John?

[John DeLoney]

I'm good, brother. Life going okay for you?

[Joe]

Good. Yeah, it's pretty good. I can't complain too much.

[John DeLoney]

Excellent. Hey, I said Princeton, Minnesota.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Is that right?

[Joe]

That's correct. Yeah, it is correct. Yes.

[John DeLoney]

Look at that. I'm getting. I'm learning my geography. I thought. Taylor. I thought you put the wrong initials up there. And I thought I was gonna lose my mind. Okay, Joe. We're on the same page, brother. What's up?

[Joe]

I was calling because back in 2018, my father took his own life. And my kids were real young. And now that they're getting older, I try to keep him involved, you know, keep him in their lives so they know who he is. And my daughter now is asking how he died. Excuse me. I don't know. I don't know how to tell her.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. What was his name?

[Joe]

Andy.

[John DeLoney]

Andy. Tell me about him.

[Joe]

Sorry.

[John DeLoney]

Oh, you're okay. Take your time, brother.

[Joe]

Oh, he was great.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Yeah, he was a good dad. Taught me everything I know. I thought this would be easier.

[John DeLoney]

No, it's tough, man. Especially lose someone that we love.

[Joe]

Yeah, but he was. It came very unexpected.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Joe]

I was not ready for it. I mean, not that anybody ever is, I guess, but. Yeah, I just.

[John DeLoney]

Out of the blue, I don't.

[Joe]

Yeah, absolutely. Yep. He was at my house the day before, and I didn't even know it was coming.

[John DeLoney]

How many days have you replayed that last day y'all were together?

[Joe]

Hundreds.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, before we go any further. I know. Before we go any further, I need you to hear me say you didn't miss anything.

[Joe]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

You didn't miss anything. One of the strangest things about people who die by suicide is their friend Community, their family. Community often reports that the last week or two weeks before they passed, they seem to have turned a corner. And they were so happy and so joyful and they came by and visited and they gave us cool stuff and they were just so over, like it was, they were, they were light.

[Joe]

Yeah, right. Yep. That's good to hear.

[John DeLoney]

I'm so sorry, man. So how old's your kid? Your kids?

[Joe]

They're currently nine and seven.

[John DeLoney]

Nine and seven, okay.

[Joe]

Yep. And they ask often. You know, I mean, I keep pictures around and I talk about them and they just. I don't know how to explain to them what happened.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Joe]

And I don't want them, I don't want them to think suicide is okay.

[John DeLoney]

Of course.

[Joe]

I don't want to stigmatize it either, you know?

[John DeLoney]

I mean. Yeah, yeah.

[Joe]

Something that happened.

[John DeLoney]

So. So I guess my first question is, are they going to hear about this from a family member somewhere else down the road? A cousin or an aunt, an uncle? Are they going to hear the S word, the suicide word? Are they going to hear that from somebody or are they pretty self contained?

[Joe]

I wouldn't think that it would come up. I mean, it's. I don't want to say that people don't talk about it, but it's not ever talked about in that sense, I guess.

[John DeLoney]

Does she have, your, your kids have cousins that they hang out with all the time?

[Joe]

Not all the time, but they see him. Yeah. I mean, it's, it happens.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Generally speaking, I want my kid to hear about something from me first if I think there's a chance they're going to run into it, developmentally speaking. So let's pretend that's off the table. Let's pretend. No one's going to say that about granddaddy. Your kids aren't going to show up somewhere and hear the granddad died by suicide or committed suicide or whatever, took his own. Like they're not going to hear that and come to you as a 10 year old and say, daddy, what's suicide? Right. So let's pretend that's, that's off the table.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

From 0 to 12, 0 to 11, depending on the maturity of your kid. Every kid's different. I would say he got very, very sick and he died. That's it.

[Joe]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

He's very sick. And then from 12 to about 16 ish. 15 ish. 16 ish. Daddy was very. Granddad was very, very sick in his, in his mind, in his head. Like, what do you mean? He had a lot of. He had an Illness, but it was in his brain. And then 15, 16, as they ask further, and we can sit down and explain. His mind was really sick, and he thought that the way to heal his mind was to not be around anymore. Or he was so sick that he thought he was a burden to those of us, and he thought the gift he could give us was to not be here. And I miss him every single day.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And then at some point, your kid's gonna say, well, how did he do it? And you can say, that's my dad. And I'm not ready to talk about that yet, but I will someday. Okay.

[Joe]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

And then there'll be a weird moment when your kid's 18, 19, 20, 21, y'all are driving down the road and something tragic comes on the news or whatever. And that's. It will happen somewhat organically. Unless you're closed off. Dad. And you don't sound like that kind of guy, but if you keep open rapport with your kids, there will be a day when it's organic and it feels right.

[Joe]

Yep.

[John DeLoney]

And you'll say, that's how your granddad died. Whether it was a gun or whether it was medicine or whether it was junk like whatever the thing is, like, that's how your granddad died.

[Joe]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

But. But those type of things don't always have to be a big announcement. But as for the young kids. Yeah. They can't wrap their head around it.

[Joe]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

I hate this. For you.

[Joe]

No, thank you.

[John DeLoney]

And I always ask this question, and I don't ask it to be too intrusive, but how are you? Do you have those thoughts, too? That, Would the world be better if you weren't here?

[Joe]

Absolutely not. No. After the pain, I felt. Absolutely not. I couldn't do that to anybody.

[John DeLoney]

Awesome. Good for you. Have you forgiven your dad yet?

[Joe]

Honestly? No.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. It's okay to be really, really angry.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

For Robin.

[Joe]

Some days are better than others.

[John DeLoney]

I know. Have you heard me? I tell everybody to do this thing. So I'll tell you as well. There's a real beneficial exercise of the three letters. Yeah. To write your dad a letter and tell him how much you miss him, how amazing he was as you talked about him to me. Seal it up. As you talk. As you talk to me like, man, he taught me everything I know. Be specific. Man, you taught me how to whittle. You taught me how to fix this thing. You taught me how to tie my shoes. And then write him a second letter. Put an envelope. Seal it up. Put another. Write him another letter. That tells him how freaking pissed you are.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And then write him a third letter and tell them, dad, I'm letting you go. Here's what you're going to miss. And, man, are we going to miss you.

[Joe]

Okay?

[John DeLoney]

And I'm letting you go. I want you to go rest because you weren't able to rest here. I'm gonna go let you go, and I'm gonna use what you taught me. I'm gonna go be the best damn dad that ever existed.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Joe]

Yeah, I want that.

[John DeLoney]

Let his spirits rest.

[Joe]

Okay?

[John DeLoney]

And then what you're going to bring to your house is peace. And you don't have that. Your kids don't have that. Your house doesn't have it. And you're working so hard for it because you're an incredible dad. Let's. Let's let your dad go.

[Joe]

All right?

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Joe]

Yeah, it's hard.

[John DeLoney]

It is. You didn't miss anything. It's not your fault. You know those things.

[Joe]

Yeah. Yep.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. It's been one of the honors of. Of my time here to talk to you today. Thank you for being open.

[Joe]

Oh, thank you very much. We appreciate it.

[John DeLoney]

You got it, man. You're a blessing, brother. For everybody listening. You'll hear me say all the time, don't lie to your kids. Don't lie to your kids. And I'll tell you again, don't lie to your kids and don't over share with your kids. And there's a difference. A nine year old, a ten year old, they can't wrap their head around suicide. What they do know is they're just like dad. Half a dad is them. That means part of Granddad is them. And it's just an algorithm that a young kid can't map out. So Granddad was sick. Really, really sick. Dad was sick. Mom was sick. Your friend was really, really sick. And as they get older, we'll begin to clarify what sickness means as they're able to internalize it. Some kids can't handle it until they're 18. Some kids can handle it at 15. And every kid's different. You'll know your kids, Joe. You're a good dad. Andy would be really proud of you. We'll be right back. Okay, before we get back to the show, let's talk about Organify. Good folks. Health and wellness is an adventure and a journey. It's not a destination. You can never eat so great or work out so hard on one particular day that you're good for the entire next month. Being well and being healthy is something you work on every single day. And I'm not perfect by a long shot. And you're probably not either. Our health and wellness journeys have stops and starts and highs and lows, victories and setbacks. And one way to make your journey easier is to make consistently healthy choices about what you eat and drink. This is why I love organifi because their whole food blends contain only the best. They're plant based, certified organic, vegan, dairy free and soy free ingredients. And organifi makes it super easy to get the benefits. Just mix it with water or your favorite healthy beverage. That's it. Their green juice is great in the morning. It's packed with superfoods that help boost your energy, calm your mind and support you throughout the day. And organifi red juice is loaded with antioxidants to help with focus, stamina and recovery. Make organifi part of your health and wellness journey. Go to Organifi.com Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with Code Deloney that's organifi o r G-A-N-I f I.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 20% off. All right, we're back. It's time for Am I the problem? Go for it, Kelly.

[Kelly]

All right, so this woman put Jane do. I'm assuming she doesn't want to be known.

[John DeLoney]

Let's call her Kelly Daniel. So Kelly Daniel writes.

[Kelly]

I automatically know now that you think she's the problem.

[John DeLoney]

I'm the problem sometimes.

[Kelly]

All right. See, my husband and I run a nonprofit business that has grown to successfully serve a large number of people in communities over the past 10 years. It's been a labor of love and a huge sacrifice for both of us. It has also been wonderful to see our mission be fulfilled. The issue I'm having is my husband receives recognition a lot of time for our work in this space. He receives awards from very well recognized and for being very well recognized in regarded associations and organizations and from the public view, it's that he runs this organization and he who has sacrificed everything to preserve the particular community we serve. And I just sort of quote unquote, work there too in the beginning.

[John DeLoney]

I mean, this is getting real close to home. Jane Doe.

[Kelly]

In the beginning he was also receiving the rec. When he was receiving the recognition, I was so happy and proud and I saw the recognition as a way to push our mission forward, which has definitely helped. But now I'm starting to feel resentful and a bit like the side chick in this operation. Am I. The problem.

[John DeLoney]

Oh, that one's tough. All right, I'm gonna talk this one out out loud. And I might change my mind from what I originally say out loud. No, I think her feelings are real and valid. It's true. And if he is not recognizing her at every turn, too. And there are husbands that placate, I think, my wife Jane, and it goes on to the next. And then if you can, you can Google Steve Carell's first Emmy when he said, I didn't prepare anything, but my wife wrote this, and it's hilarious. And it's supposedly his wife writing his acceptance speech, but it keeps mentioning her over and over. And at the end, you realize he understands he is nothing without her. And it's really a beautiful, funny, very Steve Carell. But it's a sentence. But it's like he. The whole recognition speech was about her, right? And it was really beautiful and well done. And so if he's not doing that, then shame on him. Right? This is a joint thing. Yes. One person gets wrecked, like, same to the show. My face is on it. When it goes bad, I gotta go on. I gotta say I'm sorry. But when it goes good, everyone's like, man, your show. Well, dude, there's. There's a whole crew back there, right? So I. I get that. But if my life isn't dedicated to pointing out, dude, without you guys, I'm just some knucklehead on the street running my mouth. I'm a lunatic, then shame on me. Me. The other side of it is there's a lot of ego involved here, right? Like, who cares? Like, life's too short. And so I get both. I get them both. I don't know that anybody's a problem here. I think the problem probably is she hasn't sat down and said, hey, I'm feeling left out of this thing. And I know that I'm not supposed to. I'm non profit. I'm supposed to just sing Kumbaya and say, yay, all the children are getting served. But, man, you have a lot of plaques with your name on them. And this is an us thing. And I'm really. It's a relational issue. I'm not feeling like you appreciate me. I think that's a fair thing to say out loud. And. Yeah. What do you think?

[Kelly]

Agree 100. With everything you said there, nobody's a problem. Yeah, he probably doesn't even think about it.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah, he or he probably is thinking, she hates public speaking. She hates getting on stages.

[Kelly]

We're all just glad that the, you know, the organization is getting recognition, but just have a conversation.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah, that conversation can be tough, but have it anyway. Not having it is also tough. Kelly, Joe, Andrew, Taylor, even me, Hermano Bob. I'm nothing without you guys. So glad you're in my gang. Appreciate you. Bye.