Transcript

Caller (0:05)

How do I navigate a life changing diagnosis when my partner has an invisible disease? And I guess the other part is, how do I grieve? Unknown.

Dr. John DeLoney (0:15)

What's the diagnosis?

Caller (0:16)

Trigeminal neuralgia.

Dr. John DeLoney (0:17)

Oh, man.

Caller (0:19)

So you look it up and it's, you know, number one most painful diagnosis that someone can get.

Dr. John DeLoney (0:29)

What up, what up, what up? Hey, I'm John with the Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you live from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your mental health, your emotional health, your marriage, whatever you got going on in your life. All of us are trying to figure out what to do in a world that's lost its freaking mind. That's why I'm here. Pull up a seat and we'll figure out what's the next right move for you, your marriage, your kids, whatever you got going on. Let's go out to New York City, New York and talk to Lee. What's up, Lee?

Caller (0:59)

Hey, Dr. John.

Dr. John DeLoney (1:00)

What's up, homie?

Caller (1:02)

Oh, not much, brother. I'm, I'm in it right now.

Dr. John DeLoney (1:06)

Let's hear it, man. What's going on?

Caller (1:08)

Yeah, I guess, you know, listen to you for a long time. Really, really love all the wisdom you give and thank you so much to you guys, my team, but my question, you know, how do I navigate a life changing diagnosis when my partner has an invisible disease? And I guess the other part is how do I grieve the unknown?

Dr. John DeLoney (1:27)

Oh, man. What happened? What's the diagnosis?

Caller (1:29)

Trigeminal neuralgia.

Dr. John DeLoney (1:31)

Oh, man.

Caller (1:33)

So you look it up and it's the suicide disease, you know, number one most painful diagnosis that someone can get. You know, she was diagnosed a few weeks ago. I work in healthcare in New York and kind of seeing the other side of the system and how, you know, for context, for everyone. It's a severe, shocking pain to one side of the face that is debilitating. Puts people on disability and, you know, navigating people thinking it's stress and thinking it's a period and thinking it's everything else except for the diagnosis. And so we have a diagnosis, you know, but the short term, she's going on short term medical leave, so kind of mourning the next month, but not knowing if this is something that's going to respond quickly to therapy or if we're looking at years. And this is somebody incredibly healthy, no medical problems, works two jobs, stepmom to my two beautiful kids, best woman I've ever met in my life. And we're kind of having to. With the hand grenade dropped a little bit.

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Podcast Episode Summary
Episode: Can Our Marriage Survive This Devastating News?
Date: May 4, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show centers on real callers wrestling with some of life's heaviest relational and emotional challenges. Dr. Delony fields vulnerable questions—navigating a marriage under the weight of a life-altering illness, dealing with fears of marital disconnect and unmet intimacy needs, and helping children cope when one parent struggles to connect. The unifying theme is real talk about how to face grief, fear, and uncertainty in relationships—while seeking to preserve connection, hope, and humanity.

Main Callers and Segments

1. Navigating a Marriage and Grieving after a Devastating Diagnosis (Trigeminal Neuralgia)

Timestamps: [00:05] – [15:56]
Caller: Lee, New York

Key Discussion Points

Life-Changing Diagnosis and Fear of the Unknown
- Lee’s partner has been diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia ("the suicide disease"), renowned as one of the most painful conditions. There's uncertainty about her prognosis, and the couple is reeling, trying to process "mourning the next month, but not knowing if... years" ([01:33]).
- Lee expresses admiration for his partner—her resilience, commitment, and love.
Coping Mechanisms: Honesty, Humor, and Connection
- Dr. Delony suggests intentional humor and deep honesty as tools to keep their connection alive. He affirms the couple’s high tolerance for "eye rolling laughter" as a strength ([04:03]).
- Calls their nightly processing sessions their “doom castle,” where they allow themselves to "worst case for a second and then get out" ([03:05]).
“Seven Minutes in Hell” Practice
- Dr. Delony introduces the weekly “Seven Minutes in Hell” routine: once per week, each person lists fears—some serious, some ridiculous—for seven minutes of full honesty and dark humor.
  - “What I want you to do... celebrate life recklessly and grieve at the same time. And the third thing... is fear. The unknown.” ([05:38])
- The exercise brings fear into the open, makes room for grief, forces focus on what can be controlled, and strengthens their “driving” through uncertainty.
Control, Powerlessness, and Surrender
- Dr. Delony warns Lee about the dangers of trying to control too much, especially as a healthcare worker. Emphasizes that the partner "has to drive," and that her choices in treatment and appointments must be honored.
  - “The worst thing you can do for somebody with an autoimmune disorder is to drag them around.” ([09:09])
Avoiding Anticipated Grief and Living Now
- Highlights an Amos Tversky quote: “Pessimism is stupid... If what you're worried about comes true, you've experienced it twice..” ([10:24])
- Encourages Lee not to “cash out on living and loving and touching her face every moment possible now for the fear it might go away later” ([10:47]).
Celebrating, Grieving, and Staying Human
- Dr. Delony and Lee discuss the importance of balancing vulnerability and humor, maintaining their authentic relationship rather than allowing illness to overshadow their humanity:
  - “We're going to retain our humanity in the middle of the unknown. And that's scary and it's hard and it's day by day, minute by minute, week by week.” ([15:03])

Notable Quotes

“You're going to have to do something hard, which is celebrate life recklessly and grieve at the same time.” — Dr. Delony ([05:38])
“Bind the darkness... My hope is it's a time of high honesty and high dark humor.” — Dr. Delony ([05:49])
“You may need to grieve that that picture has changed—that now she is a strong woman who’s also in the fight of her life... It's exhausting for you. So let's celebrate who she was, let's grieve what's happened to her, and then let's celebrate who she's becoming amidst all of this stuff.” — Dr. Delony ([15:03])

2. When a Partner Feels Neglected and Feels the Marriage is Drifting

Timestamps: [20:11] – [38:03]
Caller: Louise, Sacramento

Key Discussion Points

Emotional Disconnect and Expectations
- Louise describes a marriage that’s “pretty good,” but lacking in consistent affection and emotional connection, especially when both partners are stressed.
- Expresses fears that her husband is “not wanting the responsibility of being a husband,” and feelings of neglect, particularly after work or due to stress ([20:39], [32:10]).
Navigating Intimacy Differences and Chronic Illness
- Louise shares struggles around sexual intimacy—her own fatigue due to a “connective tissue disorder,” his disappointment regarding frequency and quality, and the resulting cycle of tension ([26:09]).
- Dr. Delony notes that both partners are placing their internal sense of worth and security on each other’s actions and reactions, creating a “moving finish line” ([24:46], [29:48]).
Self-Fulfilling Prophecies and the Need for Clarity
- Both become trapped in loops: she’s afraid he may leave (physically or emotionally), he places pressure for change and doesn't feel fulfilled. Both withhold, creating an emotional gap that fulfills each other's worst fears ([32:27], [33:31]).
- Dr. Delony urges specific, actionable conversations instead of general, emotionally charged ones.
Invitation Over Challenge: Reconnecting
- Dr. Delony suggests Louise have a meeting framed as an “invitation” rather than a challenge. She should lay out, “Here are four really clear ways that you can love me in this particular season” and ask what she can do for him ([35:18]).
- Encourages both partners to stand whole in themselves, to avoid making the other responsible for internal feelings of worth or being “okay.”

Notable Quotes

“You can only control you. You can only control how well and whole you are before you step on that field, that team sport that is being married.” — Dr. Delony ([37:56])
“Both of you are creating self-fulfilling prophecies in your house in real time.” — Dr. Delony ([32:27])
“What must be true for me to feel loved in this home? What must I do to feel okay in my own skin?” — Dr. Delony ([36:40])

3. Parenting a Sensitive Son Whose Father Struggles to Connect

Timestamps: [40:26] – [57:33]
Caller: Theresa, Sacramento

Key Discussion Points

A Father Emotionally Withdrawing from His Son
- Theresa discusses how her husband rarely interacts positively with their 10-year-old son, offering mostly “low-level disapproval” or corrections. The son, in response, tries hard to please, but is met with indifference or criticism—which has begun to affect his worth and emotional growth ([42:23]).
- Dr. Delony bluntly says, “your husband sucks” ([42:27]), pinpointing the core wound: “What was so bad about me that that guy wouldn’t look up from his phone?” ([42:49])
Attempts at Repair and the Limits of Parental Control
- Theresa has tried research-based interventions (Gottman’s “bids,” etc.) without success. Dr. Delony notes that neither criticism nor behavioral corrections will help—without foundational connection, the boy will internalize that he’s the problem ([47:17]).
- Theresa asks: “Is there anything I can do?”
Filling the Gap and Providing Other Male Role Models
- Dr. Delony advises she must do more: be present, play, and create positive experiences herself—even if exhausted.
- Also encourages exposure to “other good men”—coaches, mentors, positive male adults—since every teacher and scout leader is female ([52:19]).
Validating the Child’s Experience
- Dr. Delony cautions against both criticizing the father and sugar-coating, urging honesty: “I wish dad would go play soccer with you, too... Dad's going through a hard season right now. It's not about you. I want to play soccer with you... You're my favorite soccer player. And let's go.” ([53:57])
- Warns against making the child feel “crazy for the feelings he has” by gaslighting or deflecting ([53:53]).

Notable Quotes

“Some kids will sing and dance and do whatever they have to do to get their parents to say, I see you.” — Dr. Delony ([43:24])
“Seven to one: seven positive, connecting things to every criticism.” — Dr. Delony ([50:03])
“Dads, put down your phones, put down your awkwardness, put down your I don't know hows or I don't want to's and go be present with your kids. Delight in your kids.” — Dr. Delony ([57:04])

4. The Value of Small Habits in Strengthening Connection (Together App Q&A)

Timestamps: [59:51] – [63:10]

Key Discussion Points

A Listener Questions the Need for a Marriage App
- “Why should I pay for an app that tells me to hug my spouse?” Caller ([59:54])
- Dr. Delony argues that the value is in creating daily, intentional habits and reminders—“because clearly you’re not doing it”—to reconnect outside the routines of life ([62:56]).
- Reminds listeners: The small “blocking and tackling” moves in relationships matter as much as the grand gestures.

Notable Quotes

“Should you need an app that tells you to...hug your spouse? No, but you’re not.” — Dr. Delony / Caller ([63:10])
“It’s just daily habits... it still matters, right?” — Dr. Delony ([62:19])

Memorable Moments

Doom Castle and “Seven Minutes in Hell”: Lee and his wife’s nightly talks, facing darkness with laughter and tight boundaries for grief.
Amos Tversky Quote on Worry: “If what you’re worried about comes true, you’ve experienced it twice.”
Parental Impact: “Straight A’s can be a trauma response, too.” — Dr. Delony ([43:23])
Vivid Example: Dr. Delony overcoming his own discomfort (OCD) to do “gross things” for the sake of connecting with his son ([48:02]).

Summary Table of Key Timestamps

| Time (MM:SS) | Segment/Theme | |:--------------|:---------------------------------------------------| | 00:05-15:56 | Navigating a devastating diagnosis in marriage | | 20:11-38:03 | Intimacy struggles and cyclical marital disconnect | | 40:26-57:33 | Parenting a sensitive child with a distant father | | 59:51-63:10 | Value of routine connection & the Together app |

Conclusion

Throughout the episode, Dr. Delony weaves empathy, tough love, and practical wisdom to help listeners face pain, powerlessness, and uncertainty within their most vital relationships. His core message: grieve honestly but don't cash out on life or love before it's gone; foster connection through intentionality, even when awkward or uncomfortable; and protect the humanity in each other, even when adversity and resentment threaten to consume it.