He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On

Summary

The Dr. John DeLoney Show Episode: He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On Release Date: March 21, 2025

Dr. John DeLoney tackles complex relationship and personal challenges in this engaging episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show. Through candid discussions with callers, Dr. DeLoney offers practical advice and heartfelt insights on issues ranging from lack of physical attraction in relationships to navigating job dissatisfaction and overcoming phone addiction. This summary captures the essence of each conversation, highlighting key points and memorable quotes to provide a comprehensive overview of the episode.

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1. Caller Hannah: Navigating a Relationship Without Physical Attraction

Timestamp: [00:05] - [13:54]

Issue Presented: Hannah reaches out from Knoxville, Tennessee, seeking advice on being in a relationship where she shares similar values with her partner but lacks physical attraction. She describes her partner as "wonderful" in every aspect except for his appearance, questioning whether the lack of chemistry can develop over time.

Key Discussions and Insights:

• Physical Attraction vs. Emotional Connection: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of physical attraction in sustaining a romantic relationship. He shares a personal anecdote about his own failed checklists for an ideal spouse, highlighting that attraction is a crucial, albeit sometimes underestimated, component.

  Dr. John DeLoney [06:35]: "Attraction is a huge part of it. And yes, attraction grows over time, but its importance fades in my experience."

• Self-Reflection and Integrity: Hannah's honesty about her feelings allows her to maintain integrity without leading her partner on. Dr. DeLoney encourages her to stay true to herself and not settle for a relationship that doesn't fulfill her needs.

  Dr. John DeLoney [11:46]: "Everybody who's dating needs permission to say, you're awesome. And this just isn't for me. And that's okay. You don't need to apologize for that."

• Encouraging Self-Love and Openness: Dr. DeLoney advises Hannah to embrace her journey of self-discovery and remain open to finding joy and fun in her life, despite the challenges of being a single parent.

  Dr. John DeLoney [13:42]: "You've done a ton of work. You lost a lot of weight. You did a lot of healing. I want you to have some freaking fun."

Conclusion: Hannah is advised to prioritize her happiness and physical connection, recognizing that while her partner meets many of her criteria, the absence of physical attraction is significant enough to reconsider the relationship's future.

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2. Caller Jimmy: Balancing Job Dissatisfaction with Family Responsibilities

Timestamp: [17:56] - [30:56]

Issue Presented: Jimmy from Philadelphia expresses frustration over hating his current engineering job, which he took out of necessity after his previous company downsized. The long commute and lack of passion in his new role are affecting his mental health and ability to engage with his family.

Key Discussions and Insights:

• Acknowledging the Struggle: Dr. DeLoney commends Jimmy for his dedication to his family despite his dissatisfaction, highlighting the often-overlooked sacrifices men make in supporting their households.

  Dr. John DeLoney [18:10]: "Jimmy from Philadelphia...getting food on my family's table...I'm proud to be talking to you."

• Practical Strategies for Job Searching: Dr. DeLoney suggests setting boundaries to prevent burnout, such as limiting the number of job applications per week and establishing specific times for job hunting to avoid it becoming an obsessive activity.

  Dr. John DeLoney [23:47]: "Here's how you bind it. Make a boundary. Apply for five jobs a week, period."

• Mindfulness and Presence: Encouraging Jimmy to practice mindfulness, Dr. DeLoney advises him to notice small details in his daily environment to stay present and reduce stress.

  Dr. John DeLoney [24:50]: "Write down three things you've never noticed before. It makes you more present, more mindful."

• Redefining Life Goals: Dr. DeLoney urges Jimmy to have an honest discussion with his wife about their shared life goals, ensuring that career decisions support their desired lifestyle rather than perpetuate a cycle of dissatisfaction.

  Dr. John DeLoney [27:16]: "Find the life that you and your wife want to create. The job should be in service to that life."

Conclusion: Jimmy is encouraged to take proactive steps in his job search while maintaining his mental well-being. By setting clear boundaries and fostering open communication with his wife, he can work towards a fulfilling career that aligns with his family's needs.

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3. Caller Anna: Rebuilding Trust Over Phone Use in Marriage

Timestamp: [33:44] - [49:35]

Issue Presented: Anna from Norfolk, Virginia, seeks guidance on rebuilding trust with her husband concerning her excessive phone use. With three children and a history of phone addiction as a coping mechanism during isolation abroad, Anna has struggled to balance autonomy with her husband's concerns about her phone habits.

Key Discussions and Insights:

• Understanding the Root Cause: Dr. DeLoney delves into Anna's feelings of loneliness and lack of safety at home, suggesting that her phone use was a lifeline during a difficult period but has become an ingrained habit.

  Dr. John DeLoney [37:31]: "The phone saved your life, stop going to war with it."

• Emotional Healing and Communication: Emphasizing the need for emotional healing, Dr. DeLoney advises Anna to have honest conversations with her husband about their feelings, focusing on creating a safe and supportive home environment.

  Dr. John DeLoney [48:55]: "Find the root causes... sit down with your husband and discuss what makes you feel safe."

• Practical Solutions to Reduce Phone Dependency: Dr. DeLoney recommends tangible steps such as creating designated phone-free zones, carrying reminder objects to challenge negative thoughts, and engaging in joint activities to strengthen their bond.

  Dr. John DeLoney [49:35]: "Create a fancy box together where the phone goes every time you walk in the door."

• Breaking Negative Patterns: By identifying triggers and implementing structured routines, Anna can gradually reduce her phone usage and foster healthier communication patterns with her husband.

  Dr. John DeLoney [49:56]: "Put some friction in your way. Make boundaries to control your phone use."

Conclusion: Anna is guided to confront the underlying issues of loneliness and insecurity that drive her phone addiction. Through open dialogue, mutual understanding, and structured strategies, she can rebuild trust and cultivate a more connected and harmonious marriage.

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4. Caller Kelly: Resolving Conflict Over Event Ticket Package

Timestamp: [57:30] - [59:55]

Issue Presented: Kelly from Connecticut shares a dilemma involving a friendship conflict over a two-ticket event package she won. Upon her friend's request to split the contents of the package, which included additional goodies, Kelly feels wronged when her friend accuses her of being selfish for not agreeing to share the items.

Key Discussions and Insights:

• Setting Healthy Boundaries: Dr. DeLoney firmly supports Kelly's stance, asserting that her friend overstepped by opening and attempting to split the prize without consent.

  Dr. John DeLoney [59:06]: "He is not the problem. I think he is his friend in kindergarten."

• Evaluating Friendships: Highlighting the importance of mutual respect in friendships, Dr. DeLoney encourages Kelly to reconsider the value of maintaining a relationship with someone who undermines her generosity and fairness.

  Dr. John DeLoney [59:18]: "We’re doomed. Everybody... we're doomed."

• Assertiveness and Self-Respect: Dr. DeLoney advocates for Kelly to assert her feelings and expectations within friendships, emphasizing that true friends respect boundaries and individual choices.

  Dr. John DeLoney [59:28]: "Yes. And second of all, shut up."

Conclusion: Kelly is advised to stand firm in her decisions and reassess her friendship with the individual who disrespected her boundaries. By prioritizing her self-respect and setting clear limits, she can foster healthier and more supportive relationships.

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Final Thoughts

In this episode, Dr. John DeLoney provides compassionate and practical advice to callers grappling with personal and relational challenges. Whether it's addressing the lack of physical attraction in a relationship, managing job dissatisfaction while supporting a family, overcoming phone addiction to rebuild marital trust, or setting boundaries in friendships, Dr. DeLoney's insights empower listeners to take actionable steps toward healthier and more fulfilling lives.

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Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John DeLoney [06:35]: "Attraction is a huge part of it. And yes, attraction grows over time, but its importance fades in my experience."

• Dr. John DeLoney [23:47]: "Here's how you bind it. Make a boundary. Apply for five jobs a week, period."

• Dr. John DeLoney [37:31]: "The phone saved your life, stop going to war with it."

• Dr. John DeLoney [59:06]: "He is not the problem. I think he is his friend in kindergarten."

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Note: This summary focuses solely on the main content and advice segments of the episode, excluding advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections to provide a clear and concise overview of the valuable discussions held during the show.

Transcript

[Hannah]

In a relationship that's based on similar values, but there is no physical attraction coming from one party. Is that something that can grow over time? On paper, this guy is wonderful, except for his face.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What up? What's going on? This is John with an Dr. John DeLoney show. Taking calls from real people going through real challenging times, man. Trying to figure out what's the next right move for their life. With, with their relationships, their mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your world. Hey, if you, if you're a Regular, please take 10 seconds to subscribe. Hit the like button, the 5 star review thing, whatever you have to do to tell your little digital device that you're in our gang, it makes such a humongous difference. Big time. Big time. We have some it's extraordinary shows coming your way this year, and I'm, I'm. Dude, I'm so excited about to burst on some of them, but we'll just have to let them be secrets. If you want to be on the show. If you got something you want to sit, you want me to sit with you? And we'll figure it out. 1-84-44-693-3291. Do you even have to dial one anymore? Is that a thing?

[Kelly]

I think so, yeah. If you dial outside of your area code, you still have to do that, do you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Okay. I thought they're gonna put people on the moon. They already figured that out.

[Kelly]

But no, I think you still do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so, 844-693-3291. I don't know. Put a one in front if you have to. I don't know if you know if you do anymore or go to john deloney.com. ask a S K. All right, let's go out to Knoxville. K Knoxville, Tennessee and talk to Hannah. What's up, Hannah?

[Anna]

Hi.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How's it going?

[Hannah]

I'm doing well. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. What's up?

[Hannah]

All right, well, just kind of wanting to get your input on something and I guess, as you say, ask you what the next right move is. All right, so can in a relationship that's based on similar values, you know, good, healthy relationship, but there is no physical attraction coming from one party. Can. Is that something that can grow over time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Man, why are you trying to get me canceled? We've had a good run so far, Hannah.

[Hannah]

So kind of what's going on is there's a guy and we did actually meet on an online dating app.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, yeah, Swipe right.

[Hannah]

And at my age, I am 43.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm my age. Like, you're, like, as old as Kelly. You're not that old. You're 43. You're, like, @ age. Like, what was. What was the app? Please say it was Tinder. Please say it was Tinder.

[Hannah]

It wasn't Tinder.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Hannah]

Unfortunately.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[Hannah]

Yeah, not my. Not my speed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so. So 43. You. Did you see him and you swiped right?

[Hannah]

Yep. So we got a really good bio, and it was funny and intelligent, and I was like, huh. Okay. And so we started talking. You know, we. We matched. We started talking over about the course of a week, and we should really get together for coffee and just kind of go from there. And this, on paper, this guy is wonderful. He is successful in his career. He has some passions, you know, that he kind of pursues. He's funny, he's compassionate. All this whole checklist that I have.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right, except for his face. Yeah.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Okay. I would be a little nicer than that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. I'm just. I'm just being ridiculous. And by the way, if this was flipped, I couldn't. Couldn't do this because it would be like the Internet. People would be. Would be murdery. But. Okay, so you tell me about it. Yeah, I'm being ridiculous, but go ahead.

[Anna]

Oh, you're good.

[Hannah]

So, you know, so we. We started dating, and, you know, as things progressed, I kind of realized I'm just not feeling that chemistry. I'm not feeling that connection. And I as so much told him that, hey, I'm struggling a little bit. This is the first time that I've really tried to date since my divorce, which was almost six years ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so you sat on the sidelines. Hannah.

[Hannah]

I needed to do some healing fair. For sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good for you.

[Hannah]

And feel like, all right, I'm ready to get back out there. And so maybe I'm just intimidated. Maybe that has something to do with it. And I just kind of told him, hey, this is how I'm feeling. And I don't mean to be offensive, but this is just kind of where I'm at.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And.

[Hannah]

And so he came back with, I want to stay friends. I really care about you. I like you. I think it could change. And I'm just not really sure what to do with that. I don't want to lead him on, and I enjoy still having him as a friend. But past that, I just. I don't know what to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So I'm going to free you from everything. Okay.

[Anna]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just because somebody has a good resume doesn't mean you have to Hire them. Okay.

[Hannah]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And just because you made some artificial checklist that he matched nine out of ten. Let me tell you something crazy. When I was 18 years old. And by the way, this, it's not apples for apples because you're experienced and you've been through pain and so. And you've, you've been down the aisle before. Like you've done all that. So it's not quite apples to apples, but when I was 18, I made a list because some goofball told me, like, the world's gonna take everything. You better make a list of what your non negotiables are. I made a list of my future spouse. Like 10 things. My wife had two of 10. My wife of 23 years had two of them. And one of them was be a beautiful woman. That was the. Like. There was one trait that she had that I thought I had to have on this magical list. Now, like I said, your list will be different than mine because you've been there. But yes, attraction is a huge part of it. And yes, attraction grows over. I don't know if attraction grows over time, but its importance in it's importance like fades in my experience, not my personal experience, but just in talking to people. But yes, I think the quote unquote looking right or not handsome. Is he overweight? A little bit. Is that the problem?

[Hannah]

Well, it's. Excuse me.

[Anna]

A little.

[Hannah]

Okay. Which he's actually, that was one of the things that we kind of bonded over. He's towards the beginning of his fitness journey, which I've been on for the last few years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome.

[Hannah]

And I've lost a significant amount of weight and we've actually talked about. I'm like, oh, it took me almost four years to get to where I wanted to be. And this is what I did. And so I don't think this has.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Anything to do with attraction, Hannah. I really don't.

[Hannah]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think the vibe's just not there. And that's. Okay. Can I go one layer deeper?

[Anna]

Of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's. That's heartbreaking. Isn't.

[Hannah]

Really is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You waited so long, you're so careful. You found someone that you like talking to you. You've bought into the lie that nobody out there has my values. All guys want is 27 year old women who like. And by the way, all that is is nonsense. Nonsense. It's just algorithmic nonsense. Okay. But you put yourself out there and then you met somebody who's kind of cool, but just not your guy. And I bet you've spent hours agonizing over. What is it? The thing that he's missing that doesn't make him the guy.

[Hannah]

Yes. And I can't put my finger on it. And I have one semi unique circumstance. I do have a special needs child. And that's like, you know, something that has just been really hard with kind of getting back out there. I like to be very upfront with potential people. Hey, if this turns into a thing, I have a child that. Here, here's the situation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hannah.

[Hannah]

And a lot of people go running.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hannah.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't have to lead with. That's not that having a special needs child makes you freaking amazing. It's not a liability.

[Hannah]

Well, thank you. It doesn't feel that way sometimes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. Because some people aren't. Are. It's not about it being a liability. It's the same as. As in their world, like when they say, hey, here's what I'm looking for for the next 10, 15, 20, 30 years of my life. Caretaking isn't on that list. Now, if somebody says, I think special needs kids are, and they have this whole list of evil things, then I would like to take you to some of my friends who still are professional MMA fighters, and I'd like you to spend a couple afternoons with that. Right. That's one thing. But if somebody says, hey, I think you're amazing. My mother is 82, and she's gonna be moving in with us. And that's not what somebody wants for the next 30 years of their life. I'm not. I'm not gonna begrudge them that. And Hollywood said, love will find a way. And it's. I'll get on a boat and I'll just meet you and we'll hook up in the back of a car, and I'll die for you. Not reality. But here's what is reality. Here's what is reality. A bunch of people getting back out there and settling and then resenting the person they're with because they didn't have the courage to say, this isn't really the life that I. I want to sign up for. And so I would tell you that's.

[Hannah]

What I don't want to happen for me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's why I think you're amazing. Yes. I think you're amazing. So he did a good move. He's a good salesman. So it's like, you test drove a car. And he was like. And you're like, I'm gonna. This isn't really the one for me. And he's like, how about this? Just take it for the weekend, Take it home. Like, he's good, right? He's like, I just want to stay friends. I just want to stay friends. And I think, like, he's like, old, dumb and dumb. Like, so you're telling me there's a chance, right? That's fine. Cool. But as long as you keep your integrity about you and you don't hide the fact that you're going out again, and maybe you get to a point where, like, hey, if you want to be my friend, I'm going to talk to you about people I'm dating.

[Hannah]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if he's like, oh, he opts out of that, then he can opt out of that. But I think this may have been the most perfect situation for you to get back out there. A really wonderful guy, a kind guy. You got to kind of. I almost said something that if I was listening to my own show, I would have been like, whoa, it's not what I meant. Uh, it. You got to, you got to go out and hopefully hold hands with somebody and hopefully kiss somebody and hopefully, like, feel. You haven't felt somebody else in six years, right?

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so hopefully, you got to go do that and exhale. And so now kind of the stars and the sparkliness has kind of wore off, and you are remembering, oh, there's a reality to this. There's a day in, there's a day out, there's a picking up somebody's underwear. There's a fight about the this and, and you got the extra complexity. I've got to child that needs some extra caretaking. And so cool. It's just not going to be this one. And so it sounds amazing. At least you didn't go back out and fall head over heels for some smoke show and find out he's a serial cheater or you didn't go out and find another jerk. Right.

[Hannah]

And so, yeah, I mean, that's always the concern, of course. But here we are.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here, but here we are. I, I, I, I think everybody who's dating needs permission to say, you're awesome. And this just isn't for me.

[Anna]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's okay. You don't need to apologize for that.

[Hannah]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Hannah]

Yeah, that's. That is absolutely fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And also, I challenge everybody to be open to completely falling head over heels for somebody that doesn't fit your picture of what you think beauty is or you what you think masculine attraction is. And I just, I just tell you, the one of the funniest moments of my adult life was being 19 years old. My wife's brother introducing us, he was a friend of mine, and he's very, very awesome. He's very pragmatic. And he said, you're probably going to marry my sister. We can't be friends anymore, but y'all should date. And she had jeans pulled up way too high, a brown braided belt. I had. I. Either I had really long hair or I had shaved my head completely off. Or maybe I even had a mohawk at the time. I probably hadn't bathed in two weeks. And we both looked at each other and we're like, yeah, no, no. And I think she's stunning. After a quarter century together, I think she's stunning. And she tells everybody that she bought really low. And I'm a stock that finally matured, right? So, like, she just bought low. And this the stock rose in value. So all I have to say is I also want people to be open too, because I know it's easy in the swipe right world. Just keep swiping, swiping, swiping. Dude, if somebody I love what you did, they meet all these criteria. I'm gonna go hang out. And I think that just adds to the fun. Can I. Can I challenge you to enter into this new season with your hands not clenched tight?

[Hannah]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've done a ton of work. You lost a lot of weight. You did a lot of healing. You know what? I want you to have. Have some freaking fun. You're a special needs mom. You have no fun in your life. Have fun. Have fun. Does that make sense?

[Hannah]

It does. And I appreciate that very much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Go have a good time. Go have a good time. Hold hands, kiss boys like fun, fun. We don't have enough. The world's on fire, literally. Let's find joy where we can. Let's find fun where we can. And I know I'm overstating it, and I don't even know what I would do if something happened to my wife. I can't even wrap my head around that psychologically. But yeah, I'm kind of glad this is the guy you got your first. Your first rodeo back on the circuit. Sounds like he was a pretty cool guy, treated you well, and there was not a spark there. It's all great. It's cool. Swipe right. Thanks for the call, Hannah. You're awesome. Go get them. We'll be right back. All right, we gotta talk about delete me. My go to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Please don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the Internet these days. All of us. I wish this wasn't the case and the Internets don't care what I wish. Everything in my life and in your life takes place on the Internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications. We buy most of the things that we have on the Internet now. It's where so much of our lives exist. And because so much of our lives now take place on the Internet, it's simply become normal to just give away our email addresses or our phone numbers to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me. I recently looked at the reports my friends at Delete Me have sent me. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers that may have my personal information and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Deleteme has saved me countless hours, days even, and they send me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too. We can't really avoid living on the Internet, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of their plans and that comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney right now. That's join J-O I N JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney this show is sponsored by Better Help. All right, I talk about this all the time, but here's the deal. I was born and raised in Texas and I love the myth of the Lone Ranger. Lone Cowboy. The guy who doesn't need anyone or anything and who solves all their problems by himself or herself. It's a fun, great story and it's a lie. In a society that's obsessed with your diet and your workout routine and your mental health and your job and your everything else, it's easy to forget that no one can do life alone. Whether you're introverted, extroverted or whatever Internet based relationship style you want to give yourself, we all have to have a community and a support system to do life with good folks. It's time to shift the focus from doing it all by yourself to knowing that we can only be well and whole when we ask for help. Therapy can be a great source of support to ask for help in any area of your life. And if you're thinking about starting therapy, consider talking to BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it can fit with your schedule. To get started, just get online and fill out a short survey and you'll get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. This month, start to build your support system with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com SL DeLoney all right, we are back. Kelly was just singing to the Window to the Wall. Is that your favorite song?

[Kelly]

That was you singing it, not me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I don't think that's. That's true. All right, let's go out to Philadelphia and talk to Jimmy. What's up, Jimmy?

[Jimmy]

Hi, John. How are you doing today?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great, brother. What's up, man?

[Jimmy]

So my question is, I. I'm trying to figure out how to navigate a job that I really hate while trying to find other opportunities and support.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So tell me about it, ma'am.

[Jimmy]

So to give you a little backstory on that, like, towards the end of last year, I had a job I really loved. I was doing work that I enjoyed in engineering, and the company had a downturn. A lot of people were laid off. And then also I was envisioning that soon most of the company was laid off. And I was at the point where I would be laid off soon or expecting to be laid off any day now. So going to work, I was expecting to be out. So I was scrambling, trying to find a job, interviewing with places. I never really got an offer until this one company that I knew kind of after the interview, I really wasn't thrilled with. The commute, wasn't very good. And so without anything else, I ended up having to take that job. And once I got here, I just realized I have no passion to do the job. I don't want to really be there. I'm not really liking any of the people I work with. It's just. And the commute sucks. And it's just at this point, it's kind of dragging my life down to the point where I'm not to do things and stuff. And it's just really like I would want to quit the job, but obviously you're always told never to quit a job unless you got another one lined up. So that's where I'm at.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The way you. You made me smile. The way you said it, you're like, and then this. And then this. And I just thought, like, my pet's heads are falling off. Like, it was like, all the commute and the people and the. Everything. Can I just take a second just to shout you out?

[Jimmy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Jimmy from Philadelphia, just, like, fist in my chest. I'm. I'm proud to be talking to you. There's millions of men who just go home, and they sit on their couch and they play video games, and I take their call, their calls of their exhausted, frustrated wives. And there's also millions of men out there working jobs that they hate because they have integrity and they're putting food on the table, and they're taking care of their kids, they're taking care of their families. And you're one of those men. And I just want to shout you out.

[Jimmy]

Yeah. I mean, that. That's. That's the way I feel often. It's like. Or at least right now, that's all I'm doing is just. Just trying to take care of my family. And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are your kids, man?

[Jimmy]

I've got. I've got a daughter who's 11 and a son who's 8.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So how long have y'all. Have y'all been where you are?

[Jimmy]

So we just recently moved to a new house. A couple years. About three years back with. So. So we're in a new place. We kind of took on a bigger Morgan and stuff like that. So it's a. It's a lot of kind of weight carrying my shoulders didn't make sure that we. We can stay there. And. And. And my kids are able to grow up in a nice area. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Home safety is important. Right? Neighborhood safety is important. So I don't want to undermine that. But besides basic safety and besides, like, a good community, one of the greatest gifts dads can give their kids is stability. Or the other way, I would say that is not stability. And we never move. And not stability is. Is in. They don't ever know that there's challenges, but stability, as in there's not an inferno raging inside my chest at all times.

[Jimmy]

Right. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My daughter was making fun of me last night. She was like, why are you so stern when you get home? And I'm like, I'm not stern. She goes, you're fate. And she rattled my wife, started dying laughing. She's like, she's totally right. And I was like, really? And she's like, yes. And. And, bro, I'm running a scam here. I'm a YouTuber, for God's sakes, man. So I. I have no reason to be stern. When I get home. Yeah. So I guess, I guess there's two things here. Number one, you know this, I know this. I just want to say it. This is just a season, man. It's winter and it's cold. I promise you spring's coming. You're a good man.

[Jimmy]

It's hard to look at it that way. I know I find myself negatively thinking about this. Like I've really screwed up my life at this point. I keep thinking that I'm gonna be stuck here and there's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you know that. But I'll reiterate, it's not true.

[Jimmy]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're one of the good ones, okay? And for all of human history, men went off to war and they didn't go for seven month deployments, they just went for years until the war was over or until they were dead. And so for some reason we've got this weird illness in our culture called passion disease, where it's like, it's not my passion. Like, I don't care, man. Like some point we have to take care of our families. And that's just the season you find yourself in. So you have, you have two choices. Not two choices. Two things that I think can really help. Here are three things. Three things. Number one, keep applying.

[Jimmy]

Yeah, okay, I'm really doing that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I want you to, I want you to bound it. Here's what I mean. If you're like me and I've had a couple of jobs where I got to a point where I had to go. I knew I couldn't be there anymore. I applied for jobs in the morning. I was looking at the, at the trades to try to find new places to go. During lunchtime at night time, while my kids were watching tv, I was sitting next to them, scrolling. My wife would go to bed, I'd be up all night and I would make myself insane.

[Jimmy]

Yeah, I feel you there because I'm similar.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay? Think of that like a pornography addict who keeps going to the next scene. Or think of that as somebody who's always looking for another hit. You're not actually looking for a job at that point. You are, you've activated a fight or flight response and your body is saying, we have to do something right now.

[Jimmy]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's how you bind it. Here's how you, you, you, you put a boundary on it. You say, I'm gonna apply for five jobs a week, period.

[Jimmy]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm not going to scroll through them like pornography. I'm going to find five jobs and I'm. Or And I may not apply for five. I may apply for three, but I'm going to have two cups of coffee. So I'm going my five or 10 or whatever your number is, okay? And when that's over, your discipline is I'm going to close this laptop until the next Monday.

[Jimmy]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Here's the second thing. And this is going to sound so woo woo and cheesy, but I want you just to go with me on it, okay? You're from the Northeast, I'm from Texas. You and I both don't have any room for woo woo. But I want you to do this for me, okay? I want you to take a note card, like go to Walmart or Walgreens or 99 cents for like 150 of them or something. I want you to get a note card. And when you get to work and when you leave work for 30 days one month from today, I want you to have written down three things that you've never noticed before.

[Jimmy]

I've never noticed before.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yep. Not even a gratitude list. Just three things you've never noticed before. I've not noticed how many curly phone cords we have in this place. I have not noticed how stained up the carpet is. I've noticed how good it smells in here. And here's what I'm. Here's what that does like, so. And I'm going to give you like a really horrific analogy, but I'll bring it back. Whenever I would show up to a house and somebody had just walked inside and a loved one had passed away or they had just experienced a shooting and there's like a real tragic wild situation where their bodies are spinning out like mad. I would literally hold their hand and God, grown men, anybody hold their hand. We'd walk down the street and we would count cracks in the sidewalk or we would count leaves on the curb. And all I was trying to do was get somebody from this state of. I won't go through the parasympathetic sympathetic, but get somebody from their body has taken over for them because they're, they're dying. There's a threat to. No, I'm here now. I'm okay. I'm all right.

[Jimmy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what that does is it takes you from. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. All right. And then you become somebody that you're not.

[Jimmy]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Instead of, look how nasty that carpet is. And then you just kind of chuckle and go on about your job.

[Jimmy]

Okay. Just observance of things I haven't noticed. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I just Want you to write down those. And you're. What you'll. What it will do is it will increasingly make you more present, more mindful of the world that you exist in. And it's easier to exhale when you're on your own feet.

[Jimmy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Here's the third thing I want you and your wife to sit down and be honest about. We just moved to this new house, and it was cool. One of the hardest conversations I've ever had with my wife, and I've had some doozies, was when I. After living in a home for maybe six months, I said, we've made a terrible mistake. We got to sell this house. And my wife sobbed. I was wrong. I should never have bought the house. I did, and it was a whole thing. And within five more months, we had put on the market. We sold it. And looking back, that was the spark that changed our entire financial lives. It changed my mental and emotional life. It changed everything for us. But that was one of the hardest conversations of. We thought this was the next right step for successful people, and we bought into a lie. We got to sell this house.

[Jimmy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so I want you all to sit down and create. Okay? Forget the job. Forget the home we just bought. Forget the imaginary, quote, unquote, good neighborhoods that you always told yourself you were going to give your kids because you didn't have that growing, all that. Forget all that. Where do we want to live? What do we want to do? What do you want this house to feel like when I get home? And let's start working towards that, because my fear is you're going to get a new job, and it's still not going to be the job that it would be the two jobs ago that you had that was a good job that then went under. And so you haven't grieved that one yet. And then you're going to be on to the next one. And then what you're going to find is every job you get, you go with you.

[Jimmy]

Yeah, that's. That's my fear, is that just that this is going to be the next one. Same thing over and over.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. So find. Find the life that you and your wife want to create. And maybe she's dying to tell you, yeah, dude, this is way too much mortgage. Like, it was cool. It's cool. We did it. But let's sell this house while the market's still. Sell this house and spell on market and let's move to a smaller place or let's move to Kansas or let's. We've always wanted to go to Arizona. Let's just go to Arizona. Like, whatever it is you all want to do, begin to have that conversation. And then the job will be in service to that life, not just the next thing. Because I want you to go to something, not from something.

[Jimmy]

Okay, that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, if this job is killing you, if there's, like, unethical practices, if there is, they're demanding. Like, if they're being abusive, bro, walk out the door.

[Jimmy]

Okay, it's not that bad yet. But it's. I mean, it's not good, I would say. But yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if it's just annoying and that your co workers are. Are TPS report people literally, on my show team, one of the guys is the president of the chess club where we work. That's the truth. Another guy is, like, the. One of the leaders in the Dungeons and dragons club. That's 100. True. And the producer of my show is 107 years old.

[Jimmy]

Literally.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, you don't always get to pick the people you play, dude, people I work with, they're amazing. They're awesome. But, like, if it's just annoying, then there comes a moment when you're like, yeah, whatever, dude. I'm not gonna give you all suck it up. And it's not even about that. It's. It's not suck it up and hold it. Right? Like, so even the idea of, like, I'm just gonna suck this up. No, I'm not gonna give you all that. Like, Michael Singer calls it detachment. Jocko calls it good. Like, either whether you're a Navy SEAL or you're like, an existentialist, like, you're a. You're a. Like, a mindfulness practitioner. The practice is. I'm not going to give you all my hate. Y'all aren't worth that.

[Jimmy]

Okay, okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you hurt my kid, I'll give you my hate. Right? But if you're just an annoying place to work, but y'all are putting food on my table. I'm going to show up here, and what I will give you is my. My excellence and my dignity, because you don't get my character either.

[Jimmy]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, the whole quiet quitting thing was not a middle finger to the bosses. It was a middle finger to the mirror. There's a bunch of people who cashed out their integrity.

[Jimmy]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right? And so I'm just not gonna. I'm gonna give you all that, and I'm gonna. And the commute's awful. Commute sucks. All Right. Cool. I'm gonna listen to more books on marriage or more books on architecture or more like, I'm gonna become a book listening guy.

[Jimmy]

Okay, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or I'm gonna call five of my old college roommates, one one every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and I'm just gonna talk on the way, like, you get to pick, but if you can find play and find goofy and find absurdity in annoying moments, you win life.

[Jimmy]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that make sense?

[Jimmy]

Yep. Yeah, it does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know this is kind of a beating, dude, because it's kind of like, dude, my job's just awful. I get that, man. I don't want to, like, I don't want to paint it to a picture that it's not. But what the research says over and over and over again is those that find joy and happiness from the inside out, not the outside in, they win, man. They win. They just win. And that's what I want for you. Most of the people who get go from job I hate to job I hate to job I hate really are running for themselves. That's not you, obviously, but, man, I just want to applaud you again. You saw that your current job was a sinking ship. You jumped off the lifeboat. You. You got into the next safe boat, and, man, I don't like this boat. It's not. Doesn't smell good in here. People are mean on this boat, but this boat is putting food on my family's table. And maybe this is a good moment for us to rethink how we're doing everything. But all of these things put you back in the driver's seat of your life instead of you feeling like you're being drug around by a job you hate. Get back in the driver's seat, brother. Appreciate the call, Jimmy. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about train. Well, listen, there's no such thing as mental health separate from physical health, separate from emotional health. There's just health. It all works together, and everything's connected. It's almost impossible to be whole in one area and struggling in another. So if you're ready to make positive physical changes that can help restore some sort of wholeness to your entire Life, check out TrainWell. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step by step guidance from real people. That means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. To get started, you just need to answer a few questions about your fitness journey. You hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time for you to go get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. And I love the workouts. My wife loves them. We both love how they adapt to our travel schedules. Trainwell is awesome. Trainwell takes away our excuses and makes exercise easy. And they can do it for you. If you're ready to start taking control of your health, take the quiz to find your Perfect [e-mail] Deloney today. Right now, they have a special offer just for my audience. 69amonth. When you lock in your plan, that's almost 50 off their regular monthly rate plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell t r a I n trainwell.net DeLoney Right now, that's trainwell.net DeLoney we are back. Let's go out to Norfolk, Virginia and talk to Anna. Not Hannah or Banana. What's another one? Mana. Fanta Santa. Let's go out to Anna. What's up, Anna?

[Anna]

Hi, John. Thank you so much for talking with me. I feel like I've heard all those nicknames and more.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, dude, my last name rhymes with the processed lunch meat. I'm with you, sister. I'm with you. It's a rough childhood. What's up?

[Anna]

Okay, so my question is, how can my husband and I rebuild trust around my phone use while I balance maintaining autonomy with our concerns about addiction? Or another way to say is, at what point does phone addiction need to be treated as a serious addiction?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That was a lot of. If you were not calling about. If you weren't calling about phone usage, I would say, man, you are somebody who scrolls a lot. You've got all the right word salady things. What's like, get. Give me.

[Anna]

Well, I've been overthinking this for a long time, and I listen to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I can tell you're a. A great overthinker. And overthinkers love over scrolling. All right, so get me beneath it. What's happening in your house? What. What. What happened that you decided to call?

[Anna]

This is the main issue that my husband and I really struggle to communicate on everything else. Finances, parenting. I mean, we disagree sometimes, but we can. And neither of us like to argue. We. We just talk with each other really well about everything else. But this is the thing that we really struggle with and we keep coming back to it. And. Yeah, I don't know, I just. We kind of came back to it and I was just like, oh, let me just see what John's advice could be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is it that you're coming back? Your husband keeps saying, hey, you're on the phone all the time.

[Anna]

Okay. So the low point as an adult with coping and escaping was a few years ago. So we have three kids. When my oldest was a baby, I was a stay at home mom. We also lived overseas. And so I was very isolated and I started seeing that my screen time average each day, seven to nine hours a day. And I just realized that's basically a full time job. My full time job is supposed to be loving and serving and taking care of my baby. And I love him so much. And I'm not doing that as my full time job. Well, if I'm on my phone. So it was very humbling and very sobering and I went to my husband and asked him to help me with that and put restrictions on my phone. And so we set my phone up as you have to set it up as if you're a child so that the restriction is not just a reminder that pops up on the screen. It actually shuts the app out. And we put restrictions on everything. And then since then, that was about five and a half years ago. Since then we have just made it more and more strict to the point where I feel like, okay, I understand we need to restrict this some because I consistently do not control myself with it, but also I'm an adult and I. It is still a tool for certain things and I'm just struggling to.

[Hannah]

Use it.

[Anna]

I don't. Okay, let's use it in the helpful ways.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's flip this whole thing around. Okay.

[Anna]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Seven to nine hours on the phone overseas by yourself. That phone was an amazing gift from the, from the technocratic gods. Why was it a gift?

[Anna]

Well, it felt like connection with everyone back home, but also I did have friends there and. And it's false connection. It's really not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. No, no, no, no. You're just like, like you're. You're just repeating Jonathan Haidt clips. Why was that phone a gift to you?

[Anna]

I was so lonely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. It kept you from running out into the ocean and not coming back, right?

[Anna]

Yes. But also I was always lonely until very recently. I have wonderful friends now in the past year or two now I have so many amazing people in my life all the time, consistently week to week, but up until the last year or two, I had no one. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So let's just call it what it is. The phone saved your Life, stop going to war with it, okay? Because here's what you did. You had two broken ankles and a blown out acl. And you went to your husband and you said, I'm using these crutches way too much. And instead of going to see a physician, see a surgeon to get your, your ankles fixed and your knee fixed, you just had your husband lock up your crutches. The phone was never the problem. It's. It becomes the problem because those bastards are so good at, at their addictive nature to them. But that's not the problem. The problem was I'm so desperately lonely, I can't breathe. And I'm stuck in this house with this child that everyone says you're supposed to love, you're supposed to be so grateful for. And no human is ever supposed to be locked in the house with a screaming child alone. That has never happened in human history until like a few years ago. It's madness.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the phone worked.

[Anna]

I hear what you're saying. So. So now I have connection with friends. And it's not nearly as addictive as.

[Hannah]

It used to be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now it's a habit still. Now it's a habit. It, it's, it's an automation.

[Anna]

So how can I practice?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on. Can we go beneath that for a second?

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think you're surrounded by people, but I think you're still dreadfully lonely. And I think you've told yourself, I'm not lonely because look at all these people.

[Anna]

I don't know. I have. I. I can really be my true self with several people, which is a huge gift. I didn't used to have that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you think, do you think you're worth it? Do you think their life is better because they get to be friends with you?

[Anna]

You know, lately I've had a lot of feedback from. I'm so sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't be sorry. Take a breath. You're good.

[Anna]

I have had a lot of feedback from my friends about just the encouragement that I've been to them and they really enjoy being around me and I'm doing some very part time like helping a friend out with something work ish related and she's just so positive about how I'm doing with that. And she's just so, so appreciative and so kind and I really, I'm really not used to that. There you go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Anna]

I'm trying to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't stop. You keep shoulding and trying and I have to just be for a second. You've never had somebody tell you, God, I'm so glad that you're in my life. And so give yourself a moment. You get to practice sitting in that seat. You've never been in that seat. And it's kind of like when I stare at my 9 year old and I'm like, hey, look at me. And she goes. She looks at me and I said, you are the most beautiful woman I've. The beautiful girl I've ever seen. And she goes, dad. And. But look, she has to look away because the laser of how much I love her, it burns too bright for her right now. And that's okay. And so the, The. The. The ray of light that is true friendship. Somebody that truly sees you and says, God Almighty, dude, dude, I need to tell you this. My day is better because you're in my life.

[Anna]

It.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It burns because you just like, you haven't been out in the sun in a long time. So just. You just give yourself some grace while you practice what it feels like to be seen and loved. Anyway.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How much are you on your phone? Seven to nine hours. What are you or what are you at now? Two hours a day.

[Anna]

It varies. I have been on it more recently. It's more like maybe three, three and a half hours every day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so you have a 60% reduction. If you were trying to lose 100 pounds and you lost 60 of those, would people be cheering you on? Yes.

[Anna]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They'd be screaming and yelling, yay.

[Anna]

I don't know how to communicate with my husband about it because we're trying to parents together. This affects my parenting. We're trying to live life together, and this affects my ability to function and. And think clearly and all that. Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, no, stop.

[Anna]

I'm with him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Listen.

[Anna]

But I'm not getting that feedback from him. It's not enough. It is not good enough because I am not at the ideal.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That right there, you just said it.

[Anna]

I know, I know you have put him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe he act asked this of you, but he is not your husband. He's your dad.

[Anna]

I.

[Hannah]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I don't know how y'all. I don't know how y'all got in that role, but he's your father. And I don't know what your home life was growing up, but I can almost guarantee him to you that you were never enough for him either.

[Anna]

No, no, my mom. I was never enough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. And dad didn't show up and protect you and say, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're my daughter. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. I love you. You're awesome. That didn't happen.

[Anna]

Yeah, that's happened recently with him, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so we're going to forgive and we're going to let that stuff heal. But you're chasing a ghost with your husband. He's not your dad.

[Anna]

Well, he. He says when I bring this up with him before I've said I feel like I'm being treated like a child here. I'm an adult. I know. He. And he says, well, you've acted like a child. But then in later conversations he says he doesn't want to be parenting me, but it's almost like I don't want to be. But you're making me. That's how it feels. I know he would disagree with what I'm saying.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gaslights burn brightly, Anna. They burn bright.

[Anna]

But once.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Go ahead.

[Anna]

Once he and I both recognize that this is very addictive, then I feel that I've been labeled as an addict. So then it's like my perspective on this whole issue doesn't matter at all because I'm an addict.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's just. It's just. That's just bonkers language.

[Anna]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can you get addicted to phones? Yes. But it's not like cocaine. You just throw your phone away.

[Anna]

Well, he would love to if I did that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but listen, let the phone be the same. And I'd be having this conversation with someone who's drinking, who suddenly finds themsel in a really robust, amazing community. And they only to drink when they go home. They only have to drink when they're around their parents. I would not. The drink isn't the problem there. The drink is the flashing light on the dashboard saying this part of your life is not safe. It's not okay. And you started this call telling me how wonderful everything is with your husband. Except for this one thing I call bull crap on a stick. It's not. It's not. You have to believe that for yourself because that's what keeps you safe. Fair or not? Fair or unfair, True or false.

[Anna]

I hope you're wrong. It really does feel like it's true. That we communicate and we agree on everything else.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you agree on everything he wants you to agree on?

[Anna]

He. He has very strong opinions about few things. He's a very easy going person when he. When he is. I don't know. I'm so sorry, dude.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I feel like you're like whole sweater is just unraveling and you're just holding a ball of yarn and you're like no, no, it's a sweater. It's a sweater. All right, here's, here's the hard truth. Here's the hard reality, the hard tr. You can't have a good marriage if you're married to your dad. And you can't have a good marriage if you're married to someone that says, well, I won't want to be your dad, but you just keep acting like a child. So I got it. That's not, that's not a marriage. You're trapped.

[Anna]

So what can I do?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can, you can. Y'all have to have a, a, a level set, a, a change. You've got to be honest about why is my home the least safe place that I inhabit? Is it the way he talks to you? The way he demands of you? The way he says, no, this is what we believe? Or if you say, hey, this food at the restaurant's not very good. I don't like this. And the waitress comes over and says, everything good? And he goes, we're fine. We're good. I don't, I don't know what it is.

[Anna]

I, I, I think it's because home was always. I don't, I never felt like I had a home growing up. I don't, I don't know how to feel safe in my home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe that's that.

[Anna]

Maybe not him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, perfect. I love that you said that because I want to like this guy. Right? I really do.

[Anna]

And maybe he's amazing, but maybe something crazy about this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Maybe, maybe that's the thing. Maybe he feels like. You put it the first time. You said, hey, I'm an addict. I need you to put these restrictions on. He said, okay, I'm a lover, and I've listened that. I need to listen to my wife. And, and the best way I can love her is do whatever she asked me. I'm gonna do this. And so he's just trying to. He's trying to do what you ask him to do, and he didn't want to be doing it. You don't want to be. Maybe that's the case. I don't think you're a. I think walking around with a label that I'm an addict, it's not helping.

[Anna]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't think it's intellectually honest. I think underneath it, I want you just to look at the places in your life where you find yourself reaching for your phone. And if you have the self awareness, what you just said is really powerful. It's. It, to me, it's the, it's the. It's the little dotted light in the dark on the path that is where you need to walk, and that is sitting down with your husband saying, okay, I live my whole life terrified to walk in my front door because of my dad and my mom, and I'm so sorry, but I. Because of my nervous system, home is still a place I'm not comfortable. And I'm dedicating 2025 and 2026 to learning and practicing being comfortable in this house.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So every week, you and him are going to hold hands and do something really schmoozy like ask each other, how can I love you this week? What's the most loving thing I could do for you this week? What does safety feel like this week? And you are going to have to do the hard work of saying, this is what makes me feel seen. This is what makes me feel safe. And I'm almost going to promise you the phone usage will go away. It just. It will fade out.

[Anna]

So do. To practice this. Do I take the restrictions off my phone? I think treating it like that or.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. Yeah, I. I think you a take all the restrictions off your phone. And people listening are like, what? Take them all off. Take them all off. You're a grown up. You made humans. And then number two, make some really firm. Put some hurdles in your way, as they say. James Clear says put. Make some friction.

[Anna]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So when I walk in my house, in fact, if you and your husband want to do something kind of cheesy, go to Home Depot and get some wood and y'all create like a really fancy box together and get a YouTube video and y'all make a birdhouse, but kind of convert it and it'll be awful and janky.

[Anna]

He's so good at woodworking.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course he is, because he's freaking awesome guy. Now. I was talking bad about it, and I think he's great. Make an amazing box that when you walk in the door, the phone goes in the box. Okay, I don't need to get all these rigamarus and all these special apps and time. No, I'm putting the box just goes in there. And that way the only time you get it is when you need it. I don't have to make a call. We need to check. Check on a map. And then it goes back in the box. And you being present with yourself, every time you want to go check it, ask yourself, just stop for a second. You're looking for a millisecond between I want to grab the phone and I'm Going to grab the phone just a millisecond, and all you're going to ask is, all right, what's going on right now? That I started to grab for that. That. What is it here that's making me feel unsafe? Is it because there's dishes in the sink? And I'm going to think that my. I think my husband's not going to like me? Because that's not true. That's dumb. Is it because the laundry is not done and because I've been wrangling these kids all day, and I'm going to assume that my husband's going to think I'm gross, I'm not a good wife. That's dumb. And you can challenge those thoughts without holding your phone. And so the second one is carrying something with you. Look, you can't see this. I'm. You can't see it unless you're watching this on YouTube. I literally, on my desk, have the thing that I carry with me at all times. I've got a bunch of stickers on. I try to make it all tough and hard because I'm insecure, but, like, I have it right here. And you can doll yours up however you want to, but it's like nine bucks I got at Walmart, but I just carry it. And when that little voice pops up like, oh, you suck at being a dad, or I can't believe you, I just write it down. Get out of my head. It's not true. Does that make sense? And then, like, here's the other thing. Last night. Last night, my wife and I were having kind of an argument, disagreement. And I just got back in town from a quick trip up north to Michigan, and there's all this awesome candy up in. Up in Traverse City, like, with cherries and all. Like, I bought a whole thing of, like, sour cherries. And I looked at my wife and said, I'm gonna eat my feelings for a few minutes. And she rolled her eyes and laughed. But I was mindful about, I'm gonna go do something that's gonna make me feel not that great, but it's gonna. She goes, what are you really doing? And I go, these things make sadness go away. We both died laughing. And I had about half of what I normally would have had if I'd mindlessly ate them. And then we went on about our right.

[Anna]

If I did the same, my husband would never laugh with me. He would say, that's a really childish decision. You can't. You can't be allowed to just make these unadult Decisions.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, listen. Part of your. Part of your. Part of your feeling safe in your own house is you look at your husband and say, I need you to stop calling me a kid, because I'm not a kid. This.

[Anna]

Even if I act like a kid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We all act like kids. That's the best part. That's the best part of being an adult. I can go to Taco Bell whenever I want to. The best part of being an adult is. Is when somebody's chair makes a fart noise in a meeting, that I get to laugh. Really? It's the best. It's the best. Y'all have drawn this artificial boundary inside your own home between. This is what. Grown ups. Grown ups take care of their responsibilities. Grown ups pay their bills on time. Grown ups don't owe other grownups money. Grown ups don't wear jerseys with teenage names on the back of them and cheer for call. Like, they don't do that. Right? That's what grown ups do. But, dude, when it comes to like, like laughing and having joy and being silly and being intentional, but in your house, it's the labels and the name calling. And my guess is you got labeled as a troublemaker. You got labeled as that kind of girl by your mom. You've been called names your whole life, and you're just used to it. And I think part of you feeling safe in your own house is saying, hey, stop calling me names. If you see me doing something, I don't want you labeling it. That's a childish behavior that I don't want. I don't want to hear that. I want you to get beneath it and say, hey, he needs to say, not whenever you. You act like a child. Get on your phone, say, hey, I miss you. Me and the kids miss you. I feel like you're tuning us out. That's the adult way to answer that. Not just I'm taking your ball and I'm going home. That's. That's a child acting on a child. But I have a feeling that you've brought these labels. I'm an addict. I'm a this. I'm a this. I'm a child. Help me, help me, help me. And I think your husband's probably done the best he can with what he's got. And so let's reset this whole thing. Here's the things that make me feel not safe in my own house. And he can. He gets permission to say his right. Well, it makes me feel unsafe. Let's make a box together. Make a commitment. When I'm in the house, the phone goes in the box. Phone doesn't come in our bedroom. When a child walks in the room, the phone goes down. No matter what I'm doing, I always make eye contact with kids. And let's start with some of those basic things. Ask yourself, what is this phone trying to protect me from? Don't just run around kicking out your crutches because they serve a role. Let's get to the. The root here. And I think you're onto something. I think the root is I want to feel safe in my own house. And you just got to give yourself some grace and learn how to do that, because you've never felt safe in your own house. And by the way, in your house, not everybody's house, but in your house, the name calling's got to stop. The labeling's got to stop. We got to get to the root causes. Thanks for the call, Anna. Thanks for the call. Thanks for the call. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non Anxious Life, the book I wrote. I think it's going to be a pretty great road map for you and your husband. I want, in fact, I'm going to send you two copies. I want you all to read them together and do kind of a little husband, wife book study with it. I think it's going to help with the labeling challenges. I think it's going to help with all these. These actions moving forward. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. All right. All right, let's talk about Helix. All right, do me a favor. Close your eyes and think about your mattress, the one you have at home. Be honest. Is it lumpy and gross and full of weird stains? And do you think about how comfortable your home mattress is every time you're out of town or staying in some hotel? You know it and I know it. Your entire life would be better if you had an amazing comfortable mattress that let you fall into deep, refreshing sleep. It's time for you to check out the mattress that I sleep on. And then my entire family sleeps on Helix. Let me tell you this. My Helix mattress has helped me start to get to sleep faster and sleep deeper. So I wake up more refreshed. Helix has mattresses for everybody. No matter how you sleep. If you run hot, if you've got spine concerns, if you lie on your back, your side, or your stomach or whatever, Helix offers a hundred night trial, and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15 year warranty. So right now I want you to stop, take two minutes I want you to get online and take the Helix sleep quiz. I did it. You can do it too. It will help you find the perfect mattress and you can buy it right now and they'll even ship it straight to your door. Right now. Helix has a special march sale that's tied into that big basketball tournament. So to celebrate all the brackets and buzzer beaters and Cinderellas, you can get 20% off site wide. Go to helixsleep.com deloney today for 20% off. That's Helix. H E L I X helixsleep.com with Helix Better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. Am I the problem? Kelly? Let it rip.

[Kelly]

All right, this is from Andrew in Connecticut. Says, hey John, I recently won a two ticket package to an event in another city. I told my friend that lived in that city about it and asked him if he wanted to come with me to the event. He said he would love to and offered me a place to stay at his house for the weekend and offered to pick up the tickets since they were that's where they were located. Upon picking up the tickets, he opened the package that they came in. The tickets came with some cool goodies like a signed photo, a formal invite to the event, a program, etc. He then texted me saying that he felt like we should split the contents of the package. I said I would like all the stuff in the packet, that I would, but that I would still love to give him the extra ticket. He then called me a jerk and said I was being mean and selfish for wanting him to come to pick it up. But then I got to choose what I keep. Am I the problem for wanting to keep the contents of the package that I won.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Every once in a while, Kelly, I think as a species we're going to make it it. I think we're gonna. I think we're gonna. I think we're gonna turn the corner. And then I remember there's guys like this in the world. Is this for. This can't be real. I have no reason I want to split with Gosh. This this segment is actually brought to you by Preparation H because I now have hemorrhoids after hearing this that they just happened just now. They just did like this.

[Kelly]

Stop.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Enough of that just happen.

[Kelly]

Stop.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Stop. No, he is not the problem.

[Kelly]

No, he's not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think he is his friend in kindergarten.

[Kelly]

I don't think I take the friend anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, I'm going to. Yeah, I'm taking my ball.

[Kelly]

I'm going take him body going home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, like what? This can't be real. But I don't think it's fair. It. Shut up.

[Kelly]

First of all, he shouldn't have opened it. It wasn't his to open.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. And second of all, shut up. And then his third. Shut up. This is kind of a twist. Shut up. Like, your friend asked you to pick up some tickets. You're gonna go to a game. And by the way, here's the other thing. If he was your friend. I'm thinking of my friend Trevor right now in Dallas. I just picked a random friend. I said, hey, Trevor, I got two front row seats to the Mavericks game. I'd rather set myself on fire than do that. But let's say I did.

[Kelly]

It's still too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know soon to talk about the.

[Kelly]

Mavericks right now, because I'm still real angry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm. I gotcha. So if I call Trevor and say, hey, I got two seats. Me and my wife are flying in. We're gonna go sit courtside at this game, would you go grab those tickets for me? He'd be like, of course I will. He's not even going. You know why? Because he's my friend. And the fact that a friend would be like, if you are really my friend, you'd give me part of the handkerchief. Whatever. Goodie B. How. What is happening? We're doomed. Everybody, if you're listening to the show, like, and subscribe, and it might be the last thing you do, we're doomed. God help us. See you guys next time.