How Do I Avoid Having Daddy Issues?

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: How Do I Avoid Having Daddy Issues?
Date: November 17, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony, Ramsey Network

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show dives deeply into relationship and mental health challenges through real, candid conversations with callers. The show’s main arc centers on "daddy issues"—how to handle the yearning for a missing father figure and navigate the resulting emotional landscape. Dr. Delony takes three primary calls, each dealing with absence, abandonment, navigating boundaries, or change in crucial relationships (with self, partner, or parent). The show's tone is compassionate, direct, and occasionally humorous, aiming to offer practical, actionable advice while validating the messiness of real life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Overcoming the Need for a Father Figure

Caller: Marie ([01:12]–[16:17])

Situation

• Marie, 18, grew up without her biological father present and struggles with a deep desire for a father figure.
• She has positive relationships with other male relatives (grandpa, uncle) but worries about overstepping boundaries and feeling a "craving for touch."
• She wants to know how to handle this desire so it doesn’t lead to dangerous or harmful decisions.

Insights & Advice

• Don’t suppress natural needs: Dr. Delony emphatically rejects the notion that Marie should “squash” her desire for a father figure, clarifying that this longing is entirely normal and fundamentally human ([01:47]).
  • “Try to squash a desire for a father figure? That’s innate, that’s built into all of us.” — Dr. John Delony [01:47]
• Practice trust, set boundaries: Instead of seeking validation from unsafe sources, Marie is encouraged to lean into safe, familial relationships and practice requesting what she needs explicitly.
  • “You’re very wise. The challenge for you is to have the courage to not run from what you feel, but to own what you feel.” — Dr. John Delony [06:37]
• It's not your fault: Dr. Delony repeatedly returns to the idea that Marie’s struggles are not due to any deficiency in her, but to the choices of her dad.
  • “There’s not something wrong with you. There’s something very wrong with the situation that your dad left you in… You’re not broken.” — Dr. John Delony [08:54]
• Let safe adults be adults: Marie worries about over-asking of her uncle and crossing boundaries.
  • “It’s not your job to manage your uncle’s boundaries. That’s their job. They’re adults. It’s your job to manage yours.” — Dr. John Delony [10:10]

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Dr. Delony reminds all fathers:
  • “Every single daughter deserves a dad that would burn the world down for her.” — Dr. John Delony [03:51]
• Acknowledgment of pain:
  • “It’s almost easier to say he couldn’t than he wouldn’t… That’s a harder reality to deal with, right?” — Dr. John Delony [13:08]
• On owning her needs without shame:
  • “Wanting to be touched and wanting to be held and wanting to be said… ‘You’re beautiful and I love you,’ that doesn’t make you broken. That makes you very, very human.” — Dr. John Delony [15:33]

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2. Navigating Financial and Emotional Boundaries in a Troubled Marriage

Caller: Sarah from Durango, CO ([19:26]–[31:58])

Situation

• Sarah’s marriage is under strain: financial problems, her husband’s addiction, and toxic involvement from his mother, who is overly enmeshed (“if she could marry her own son, she would”) and constantly “solves” his issues ([22:18]).
• Sarah wants to know how to raise these concerns with her husband without him feeling “attacked.”

Insights & Advice

• Radical ownership and directness: Dr. Delony urges Sarah to stop “dancing around” her husband’s issues. Her indirect approach enables the unhealthy patterns started in his childhood to continue ([23:29]).
  • “By dancing around him, you are co-creating his childhood all over again.” — Dr. John Delony [23:36]
• Draw a line in the sand: She must lay out a clear choice—he’s either in the marriage (with all the responsibilities, including rehab and a steady job), or he’s aligned with his mother and addiction ([24:32], [25:21]).
  • “You pick your mother or you pick me—and here’s what picking me means.” — Dr. John Delony [24:34]
• Financial boundaries: Dr. Delony strongly recommends Sarah open a separate checking account for household expenses, not mix business/home finances, and protect herself/children from financial fallout ([28:13]).
• No more managing around his mother: The “put up or shut up” moment is inevitable, and it’s better to initiate it than let it happen by accident.
  • “He’s cheating on you with his mom… In every other way—financially, emotionally, relationally. He’s cheating on you with his mother, and you’re the one getting dragged behind.” — Dr. John Delony [30:47]

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Sarah’s moment of realization:
  • “I did come to that reality... I have my own abandonment issues... all of your actions are leading me into triggering my abandonment, and I can't do it anymore.” — Sarah [27:41]
• Powerful directive:
  • “It’s you sitting down... and saying, okay, here’s what must be true. Here’s what I want for my life. Because he’s cheating on you with his mom.” — Dr. John Delony [30:36]

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3. Caring for Yourself While Partner Copes with Depression and Life-Altering Change

Caller: Lynn from South Bend, IN ([33:32]–[51:27])

Situation

• Lynn is recently paralyzed from the hips down after an accident; her husband (law enforcement, in law school) has become emotionally withdrawn and depressed.
• She worries she’s become a burden and wants to know how to keep herself happy and maintain connection.

Insights & Advice

• Acknowledge the New Reality:
  • “The marriage y’all had is over… Exhaling and saying, OK, what kind of marriage do we want to build now?” — Dr. John Delony [39:41]
• Tactical communication: Dr. Delony suggests having a “clear the deck” meeting where they state openly: “Here’s what I need. Here’s what love looks like right now. Let’s make a plan for these four months.” ([40:09])
  • “You’re both saying things to keep yourselves safe—‘I love you,’ ‘You’re being negative.’ Instead of, ‘I miss you. Here’s what I want. I want you to hold my hand…’” — Dr. John Delony [40:19]
• Be explicit; give a clear path to connection:
  • “I want you to take my shirt off, but I’m sitting in a wheelchair and I know that’s weird… Can we laugh and figure this out?” — Dr. John Delony [42:55]
  • “The only thing that’s going to crush this thing is the tiptoeing. Just head right through it. This is us choosing reality.” — Dr. John Delony [47:23]
• Challenge self-compassion:
  • Don’t hand your doubts to your husband—work on believing in your own lovability and practice those feelings, even before you fully internalize them ([46:04]).
  • “I want you to look him in the eye and say: ‘Every ounce of my being feels like I’m a burden to you now. But I’m going to trust you that I’m not. And I’m going to practice feeling lovable…’” — Dr. John Delony [46:04]

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On practical encouragement:
  • “The new adventure is: how do we be rambunctious and full of joy and play and Eros and sexy and sad sometimes and grieving. How do we do all that together now?” — Dr. John Delony [51:29]
• On expressing and asking for affirmation:
  • “You can say, ‘All right, dummy, now hold my face and tell me that I’m still hot.’” — Dr. John Delony [49:25]

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Notable Quotes With Timestamps & Attribution

• “Try to squash a desire for a father figure? That’s innate, that’s built into all of us.” — Dr. John Delony [01:47]
• “Every single daughter deserves a dad that would burn the world down for her.” — Dr. John Delony [03:51]
• “There isn’t and there never was anything wrong with you. Your dad didn’t leave because of you. OK?” — Dr. John Delony [12:47]
• “By dancing around him, you are co-creating his childhood all over again.” — Dr. John Delony [23:36]
• “He’s cheating on you with his mom… In every other way—financially, emotionally, relationally.” — Dr. John Delony [30:47]
• “The marriage y’all had is over… What kind of marriage do we want to build now?” — Dr. John Delony [39:41]
• “The only thing that’s going to crush this thing is the tiptoeing… Head right through it. This is us choosing reality.” — Dr. John Delony [47:23]
• “Just because you feel less than or not beautiful or maybe a burden or not lovable doesn’t mean that he thinks you are. What you go looking for in the world, you’re sure to find.” — Dr. John Delony [45:13]

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Key Timestamps

• 01:12–16:17: Marie (father figure, longing for connection, boundaries)
• 19:26–31:58: Sarah (husband’s addiction, financial boundaries, monster-in-law issues)
• 33:32–51:27: Lynn (coping with new disability, partner’s depression, redefining marriage)

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Tone, Energy, and Takeaways

Dr. Delony’s approach throughout the episode is empathetic, direct, and gently challenging. He validates tough emotions, but pushes callers to take radical responsibility and set healthy boundaries. The episode deals with painful gaps left by absent or unwell parents and partners, but also insists on hope—despite the messiness, boundaries, honesty, and specific asks can help callers reclaim agency in their lives.

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For listeners: Whether you struggle with abandonment, find yourself managing a partner’s chaos, or must rebuild connection after trauma, Dr. Delony’s message is clear: your needs aren’t wrong, you deserve to be loved and anchored, and facing reality directly (not tiptoeing around it) is the bravest path forward.

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Transcript

[John DeLoney]

All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in Marriage Getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at 749 bucks a couple. Get [e-mail] Getaway.

[Caller]

How do I overcome.

The desire for a father figure?

He wasn't ready to be a dad I guess.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ah, I'm not gonn give him that pass. None of us are. Yeah, I'm sorry hun. Every single daughter deserves a dad that would burn the world down for her. Cuz here's what happens when dads walk out on their daughter.

[John DeLoney]

What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm so glad you're with us, taking your calls on your mental and emotional health, your grief, your sadness, your joy. You're trying to figure out what's the next right move.

[John DeLoney]

I'm so glad you pulled up a.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Seat and you're hanging out with us today. Let's go out to Medford, Oregon and talk to Marie. What's up Marie?

[Caller]

Hi Dr. John. How are you this morning?

[John DeLoney]

Doing great, how are you?

[Caller]

I'm pretty good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Caller]

So basically my question is I spent like half my life without a father in the home and I was just wondering basically how do I overcome the desire for a father figure before it gets me into trouble? And I know the quick answer to that is you just don't do stuff that gets you in trouble.

[John DeLoney]

It's not that, it's you never ever.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Try to squash a desire for a father figure that's innate, that's built into all of us.

[Caller]

Okay?

[John DeLoney]

It like don't, don't ever, don't ever.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not want to have a male figure in your life that's 10, 15, 20 years down the road that you can anchor into. And in your case like it breaks my heart that it's not your dad because it should have been your dad. Where'd your dad go?

[Caller]

So you're all right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Take a breath.

[Caller]

I guess he was never, he, he wasn't ready to be a dad, I guess.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ah, I'm not gonna give him that pass. None of us are. Yeah, none of us are.

[Caller]

But yeah, as of now he's I think in Southern California. I haven't spoke to him in probably like, yeah, nine years or something.

[John DeLoney]

So do you know where he is?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you have the ability to reach out or has he made it clear he didn't want anything to do with you.

[Caller]

If he hasn't really made it clear he hasn't really.

He hasn't put forth much effort to reach out, but I think if I reached out, he'd be open to it. But I don't know that I want to reach out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That's fair.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what I'll tell you is getting somebody, whether it's a grandparent, an uncle, a coach, a professor, somebody that you can practice. This sounds crazy to say. Practice developing trust with. And when you do that, you have to be very careful about your boundaries because there's. There's men out there that will find somebody in your situation and will welcome them in for their own. For their own, like, purposes. You know what I mean?

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm sorry, hon. Every single daughter deserves a dad that would burn the world down for her.

[Caller]

Yeah, that's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, listen to me. I'm the father of a daughter. I'm telling you the truth. It's the way it's supposed to be. I'm sorry.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So. So where do you worried about making. Making choices that aren't good for you?

[Caller]

So I. All my moms that have, like. I have wonderful extended family. I have, yeah. A good grandpa. I have a couple of good uncles, especially one. But I don't know, there's something about. I don't know if it's just my love language, if that's what you. If that's even the thing, but just touch. It's like a craving and I don't know what to do with it. I don't want it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, it's awesome when it's channeled.

[John DeLoney]

Channeled the right way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And there's a whole bunch of 18, 19, 20, and up that will take it. Right? Yeah. Is your uncle safe?

[Caller]

He is. He very much is.

[John DeLoney]

Does he live by you?

[Caller]

Yeah, I guess.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's the question beneath the question?

[Caller]

I don't really know. Maybe it's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you?

[Caller]

18.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

18. Are you sexually active?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

And I don't really have a desire to be.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, so what do you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What? I feel like you're at war with your body. You don't want to feel like you need a dad. You don't want to feel like you need touch. Like I'm feeling.

[John DeLoney]

I'm hearing you say you don't want.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To feel in your own skin. Tell me about that.

[Caller]

Pretty much, yeah. It doesn't feel like there's an outlet for it. I don't want it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is it because it hurts so Bad because it's supposed to be the space that your dad filled and he left.

[Caller]

I think so. Okay. And it was like, even when he was here, it was never filled.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So most. The fact that you're asking this at 18 is amazing because most people go their whole lives trying to fill that hole with sex, with alcohol, with work. Some people try to fill it with religion. They just shove practices down to try to numb themselves out. Like, the fact that you're asking this right now is really powerful. You're very wise. The challenge for you is to find somebody like your uncle who's safe and to have the courage to not run from what you feel, but to own what you feel. Here's the difference. Uncle's there, he gives you a side hug and you take that little scrap of connection and then you just try to white knuckle your way through it and not. Not hold it, not hold it, not hold it. Instead of texting your uncle and saying, I need a big hug from uncle whoever. And so when I see you next, I need you to hold me tight and don't let go. And there's.

[John DeLoney]

There's a weird thing that's happened over.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The last 15, 20 years and that there's a swath of great men who, more than anything, don't want to be creepy.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you feel safe and this person's trustworthy, saying, I need you to hug me and hold me tight, might be the permission that he's been needing to love you and care for you in a way that he's want. He's seen you hurting and he just doesn't have the courage. He's scared. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to scare you. But when I say owning it, it's you saying, here's what I need and here's my boundaries. I'm not going to go chase this from strangers. I'm not going to go jump into bed with folks because I just need touch. I'm not going to drink that feeling away. I'm going to find safe people like my uncle, like, like my granddad. I'm going to be very clear about what I need. But hear me say this as directly as I can. Marie, there's not something wrong with you. There's something very wrong with the situation that your dad left you in. Okay. You're not broken. You're not messed up, you're not screwed up.

[Caller]

Kind of a follow up question. I've kind of. Yeah, I've been pretty open with my uncle with lots of things, you know, things my mom doesn't know. But like what? Even just kind of this feeling, I guess. Okay, yeah, I've kind of discussed with him about it. But just in conversation with him, I don't want to over cross like his boundaries.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're his niece. His job is to be the adult. And so it's not your job. Because here's what happens when dads walk out on their daughters. You walk around whether you know this or not, whether this is a conscious voice or a little tiny voice that sits way in the back of your heart. You walk around asking, what was so bad about me that dad left. I see all these other girls whose dads are big and strong and macho and loud and if you date my daughter, I'm gonna. And your dad said, now you're on your own. I'm out. And then you, that little voice directs you to make sure you take care of and manage every other adult relationship. Because now you know that's an option that adults in your life can just leave. And no kid should know that's even an option. It's not your job to manage your granddad, I mean your uncle, your granddad's boundaries. That's their job. They're adults. It's your job to manage yours. Okay.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Give him permission to love you recklessly and he won't be able to fill that dead sized hole in your heart. But man, he can help you get re anchored. And as you head off into college, head off into the workforce or something, finding a mentor that you trust. And often mentors can be found through other strong women who are a few years ahead of you that will say, we've been here for three years or five years at this company or at this, at this college, whatever, that guy's safe. And you find people that can mentor you. The greatest compliment I get from the younger women that I work with is when they say, you're the big brother that we never had, right? I can't be their dad. I'm not their uncle, not family.

[John DeLoney]

But I can tell them the truth.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I can try to be wise. I can say, I wouldn't date that guy, right? I can be that role, right? The big brother that they never had. And your mission is to find those people and just be very clear about what are your boundaries. I'm not going to go to bed with anybody. I'm not going to be in a situation where I'm unsafe. I'm not going to be one on one at a bar, right? Like I'm going to put myself in safe situations. But that becomes your mission. It's not to run from this sense that I need to be anchored into somebody.

[Caller]

Me. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you hear nothing else I say, let hear, hear me as clearly as I can. There isn't and there never was anything wrong with you. Your dad didn't leave because of you. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It wasn't that he wasn't ready to be a dad. It's that he refused to answer the call when it came. No, no, I'm serious. And I'm sitting here with you because you know why? That hurts worse. It's almost easier to say he couldn't than he wouldn't. Right. If the house is on fire and he's only got one leg, it's easier to say he couldn't climb up the ladder to save me then. No, he was able bodied down there. He just chose not to. That's a harder reality to deal with, right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this is not your job in any way, shape, form or fashion, but it may one day. It's that old saying, not by your hand, but it's in your lap. It's not at all your fault that your house flooded, but here you are, right? It's not at all your fault that your dad walked out on you. But if you have his phone number, maybe one day you call him and say, dad, what was so bad about me? And maybe he gives you, he just says, I, I, I've needed this call. Or maybe right now the anger is too strong, it's too powerful and that's okay. Or maybe you just need to move on. It's okay. I hate this for. I'm heartbroken for you. Dads aren't supposed to leave their daughters. But it sounds like you've got a good man in your life. That's family, that's trustworthy. Maybe it's having the courage to call him and say, hey, uncle whoever. Uncle uncle John. I'm 18 now. My dad left. I need hugs. I need wisdom. I need somebody to vet my people I'm dating. I need someone I can sit down with. I'm thinking about going to college or taking this job. And I'm, I'm, I'm designating you. Do you accept the job? My gut tells me he's going to exhale and say, I've been waiting for this forever. And you can say, I'm going to hug you. You don't let go. I'll let go when I'm done. And that might be the greatest gift you've given him and that he can in return give you. Wanting to be touched and wanting to be held and wanting to be said. You're beautiful and I love you. I'm glad you're my daughter. That doesn't make you broke and that makes you very, very human. And to the dads listening to this podcast, don't ever, ever leave your daughters. When we come back, a woman asks how to ask her husband to keep.

[John DeLoney]

His mom out of the family finances.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yikes.

[John DeLoney]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[John DeLoney]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

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[John DeLoney]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

To put our finger on it.

[John DeLoney]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

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[John DeLoney]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

And talk to Sarah. What's up, Sarah?

[Caller]

How's it going, John?

[John DeLoney]

Great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How are you?

[Caller]

I'm doing good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Caller]

Oh, gosh.

So my. So much like, where do you begin? Like, where's the starting point? So my husband and I run my own business. I run a cleaning business and my husband was in the medical field for a super long time and he just got out. He wants to kind of start his own business and we're struggling a little bit with our finances and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that mean?

[Caller]

So it kind of came.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that mean? You don't make enough money because your husband quit his job?

[Caller]

Yeah, I mean, he.

So he's been doing fine with like his business. Like, he's bringing in an income with it. And I just started college classes and it ended up being a lot more money than I expected it to be. So I had to like dump quite a bit of my savings into it. And then like he ended up wrecking his car into a field of elk. And so we had to like dump more money into getting another vehicle. And now it's like we need to register and title that vehicle. And there's been certain points where it's like. And we have a one year old, so it's like, okay, do we buy diapers or do we register the truck? So. And there's been like other things that he's been struggling with, like addiction wise. And that's. I don't want to get too much into that just because it's. That is very personal on a level that I don't know if I want that on air, but. And that has, like, drained some of our finances as well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can you answer one question? Just yes or no.

[Caller]

Yeah.

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is it gambling?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

No, it's. Honestly, it's a lot worse than that. And it is rooted into, like, childhood trauma. And. And his mom has a lot to do with it, and she's just always jumped in to solve all of his problems, and he's never created the skills to be able to problem solve on his own. And that has also caused a lot of problems in our marriage because.

And. And I'm.

I grew up in a tough love home, like I did. And it's not that I try to do that same process to my husb.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But he needs it.

[Caller]

I'm not one.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He needs it.

[Caller]

Yeah.

But it's.

I don't want to build up, like, a false sense of pride in him in a way, because his mom is always just like. The best way I can explain it is like, if she could marry her own son, she would. And like, just the way that she builds him up all the time, I totally get that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I'm saying is he desperately, desperately needs somebody who is not codependent on him, who's not using him, who's not a parasite to him.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But he needs somebody who actually loves him. Tough love is not always bad.

[Caller]

No. And.

And I think the thing that he struggles with is that I actually hold him accountable to things, and he really struggles with that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's not on the phone and you've mentioned all these things about him.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How can I help you?

[Caller]

Okay, so I. I need to know how to bring this up to him without making him feel like he's attacked, because you can't. You can't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've been doing this forever.

[John DeLoney]

How long have you all been together?

[Caller]

Five years.

Married for four.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You have been dancing around him for four or five years. Stop.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because by dancing around him, you are co creating his childhood again.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Somebody has to stop because you are now unsafe relationally, financially, emotionally. When I say unsafe, I'm not talking about, like, the little safe space at a small private school.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm talking about you may not be able to buy groceries for your baby.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have to own that reality. Okay. And you also have to know you're married to somebody who is very, very unwell.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so dancing around, that isn't helpful. It's you saying, here is what. Here's what must be true.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You pick your mother or you pick Me. And here's what picking me means.

[John DeLoney]

Because you're trying to be you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, like you're trying to be married to two people right now.

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And.

[Caller]

And I have told him that. And she, his mom is very passive aggressive towards me and she attacks me in private.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

It's just, it's not a good situation. Okay.

[John DeLoney]

But she's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She doesn't get a vote. And you're.

[Caller]

No, she doesn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. But there has to come a moment.

[John DeLoney]

Here's the deal.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The moment's gonna come.

[John DeLoney]

I'd rather you pull the car up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To the parking lot than have it dropped in your lap. The moment will come when he has to choose mommy or his wife and his child.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Period. And if he chooses wife and child, he's gonna go to rehab. Period.

[Caller]

Yeah, he. Yeah, he needs to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if he is going to choose wife and child, he's not going to have a hobby that barely makes money. If he is going to choose wife and child, he's not going to. And I'm making this up. I don't. If this is true. He's not going to drive intoxicated into a field of elk. If he's going to.

[Caller]

I'm sorry, can you say that again?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm making this up. Right. So I don't know if this is true or not, but if, if he is going to choose wife and child, he's not going to drive intoxicated into a field full of elk.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If he is, if he's going to.

[John DeLoney]

Choose wife and child, he's going to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have a steady job and he can.

[John DeLoney]

Start a new business later.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But he needs some stability and somebody that says you have to be here in this office at 6:45am yeah. Working a 12 hour shift.

[John DeLoney]

Otherwise you are just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're punting reality down the road and there will be an there that the cards will get called on the table at some point. I'd much rather you do that before you have two other kids and a mortgage that you can't afford.

[Caller]

And $100,000, two older kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

And $100,000 in student loans.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, like, you see where this train is heading.

[Caller]

Yeah.

Yeah. And so, like, I'm very heavily in with a church and they've, they've extremely helped me a lot with this and a lot of the things that you're saying. Because when I, when I had first called into the show or written into the show like this was. It's been a couple weeks, but a lot has happened since then. And, and it is. I did come to that reality that I did tell my husband at one point. I was like, you know, like, I have, like, I, I have my own abandonment issues. And I was like, I did tell him. I was like, this is where, like, all of your actions are leading me into triggering my abandonment, and I can't do it anymore. And I was like, I have to let you go in a sense of trying to control what you do and like, your addiction, your. All of these things. I was like, I can't. I can't do it anymore.

And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, but did you do the step, which is create your own checking account and have your money direct deposit in there so he can't get it?

[Caller]

So I've always had my own account set up for my business.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, no. I'm talking about for your home.

[Caller]

Well, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And don't live out of your business account. That's not, That's a mess.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Caller]

That's what I've been doing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Please don't do that. That's a t tax nightmare. That's, that's a way to get your business in a mess and your home in a mess.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you listen to me ever, I tell everybody, day, day one, like, you walk down the aisle, walk right out and go to a bank, and you'll open a checking account together.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so. But I'm telling you not to do that because it's not safe right now.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I, I, I, I guess here's what I want to challenge you. I want you to pause the counsel, and I want you to practice standing up as a woman of strength and ownership.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do I mean? I mean, not sitting down with him while he's got his phone in his hand and say, hey, you're triggering my abandonment issues. But I'm saying you stare at him and say, put your phone down. I have something direct to say to you.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You choose me, and here's what that means. Or you choose your mommy and your addiction.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But as for me and my house, we're not moving forward. You get that strength I'm talking about. And I think you have a fear that he's going to go run to his mom's house and she'll welcome him with open arms.

[Caller]

Yeah.

Well, yeah, it's may have happened before. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's okay. I've kind of crossed that bridge already.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. But here's the thing.

[John DeLoney]

That means he's already there.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And y' all are just playing and.

[John DeLoney]

As you want to keep playing, you can do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can keep doing that.

[Caller]

No.

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I think you deserve more than that. I think he deserves more than that. But nobody's ever called him out. And it may be that nobody's ever going to call him out because he doesn't. He's always going to have this backup plan in the form of mommy in her basement. And I don't. I honestly, I don't. I don't. I don't know how to counteract that other than to call mom and say, hey, you're destroying your son. But that. That message wouldn't get through to her at all. Yeah, here's the deal. You are headed towards a put up or shut up moment. I would rather call it. I would rather be in charge of that moment instead of having that moment happen to me. This is about choosing reality. And the reality is you got a husband that's struggling with addiction. You have a husband who goes to mom before his wife. You've got two older kids. You have a young baby who you can't afford diapers because your husband wrecked the truck. Your husband quit his good job to start his own business. It's you sitting down with a friend or with a counselor or if you've got a good mentor at your church, just sit down with somebody and say, okay, here's what must be true. Here's what I want for my life. Because he's cheating on you with his mom. Let me put it that way. Maybe not sexually, but in every other way, financially, emotionally, relationally. He's cheating on you with his mother, and you're the one getting dragged behind. So no more counselees. You're triggering my attachment. As for me in my house, do you want in on this relationship or do you want out? You get to choose. And if you want to stay, here's what this is going to look like. And he might say, bye, Felicia.

[Caller]

I'm out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I think he's already said it. Today's day one. We'll be thinking about you, Sarah. When we come back, a woman asks how to care for herself while living with a very depressed partner.

[John DeLoney]

This show is sponsored by Better Help. This time of year can be tough for everybody, so I want you to make sure you check in on your friends and reconnect with loved ones. I recently just got back from visiting some old friends in Texas, and it was like a cup of cold water in the desert. And just like it can take a little courage to send a message or grab coffee with Somebody you haven't seen in a while. Reaching out for therapy can also feel hard, too. But if you need it, it's worth it. If you're reaching out for a new therapist, I recommend BetterHelp. With over 30,000 therapists, they're the largest online therapy provider in the world. They've served over 5 million people globally, and they have an average rating of 4.9 out of 5. It's totally online, so it can easily fit into your banana schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they're going to connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit out of the gate, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. This month, don't wait to reach out. BetterHelp makes it easy to take a.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

First step to find a therapist.

[John DeLoney]

Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better. Help h e l p.com DeLoney all right, we're back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's go to South Bend, Indiana and talk to Lynn. What's up, Lynn?

[Caller]

Hi.

I want to thank you for the work you do. I feel like your biggest fan. And I've never missed an episode.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think I've missed a few episodes. That's awesome. Thank you.

[Caller]

Yeah. So last year, it's been almost a year now, I fell from a ladder and I had a spinal cord injury.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man. I'm sorry.

[Caller]

Thank you. So I'm paralyzed from like the hips down now. So life has completely changed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, you're completely chair bound.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, my gosh.

[Caller]

So before, like the summer before my accident, I started going to therapy, just trying to have a little more self care. So I am, I've been married for 11 years. I have three stepsons, and I was just putting everybody else first. So I was trying to reclaim my peace, my happiness, you know, without always giving myself to everybody else. So then I had my accident and suddenly I needed everybody a lot. And it was a big change in our household because I. I cooked, I cleaned. I loved being a wife and mom and doing all the things. And then suddenly I couldn't. So it was a big shift and I just. My husband fell into pretty deep depression. He's got a high aces score. He's got a lot going on. He's in law enforcement. He's studying for the bar now. So there's just been. He's got his own stuff too. But I kind of take it personally because now I need a lot more. And he's really withdrawn emotionally, physically. And I'm just trying to figure out how to keep.

Keep myself happy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

When I often feel like a burden, and he'll say, I'm not a burden, but I can feel his energy and I feel like a burden. And he'll tell me he loves me, and I'll say, I don't feel like you do. And then I'll say, well, you're just being negative. And I try to say, well, for 11 months now, I've been nothing but positive. Very intentionally been nothing but positive. And I had been negative before, and I know that I nag and. But I haven't since my accident because I already feel like a burden, if that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So this accident happened. So I want to back up because you said a couple of things and things are kind of bouncing around. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You said, I decided to go see a counselor because I was tired of giving myself away to everybody.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I needed to rebuild myself from the floor up. Who am I? Right.

[Caller]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Followed by, I loved cooking and cleaning and being a wife and mother.

[Caller]

Yes. Well. And busyness was my drug. So I. I would burn myself out doing those things as well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

So I was trying to kind of figure out that balance.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So it wasn't that you were thinking, oh, my God, I married the wrong person. I wish I didn't have these dumb step kids. It was. I love doing that part. And it can be really easy that kids are suddenly yelling, where's my socks? And you're like, why don't you just do your own freaking socks for it? Like, it's just finding that. That balance. Right.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And then your husband's in his 3L.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Year, his last year of law school.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When you have this, his suddenly his wife is paralyzed.

[Caller]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is he still doing law enforcement stuff too, or is he in school full time?

[Caller]

He's still doing law enforcement. He'll take the bar in February. So now he's studying for the bar but still working full time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good Lord.

[Caller]

And he offered to quit law school. I said, do not quit law school. Literally all I can do is sit around like, you don't have to quit law school. And I'm really self sufficient at home now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. Okay. So I guess I want to start with this.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I've had this exact conversation with spouses of 3L students studying for the bar who are very able bodied.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where did my spouse go?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

So some of this is very seasonal.

[Caller]

Okay.

Where I will say that he did. I'm sorry, I Didn't mean to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're good. You're good.

[Caller]

He did ask me to be very patient. He said, just be patient with me. So. Sorry. Go ahead.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, and. And recommendation number one, I always told law students is do not work during this time. Oh, so he's working in a job where people are trying to shoot him every day.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or they hate that he's showing up and then he goes and studies for the bar and then he. And again, I don't want to give anybody a pass, but I'm just trying to provide a context. Not an excuse, but a context. My guess is he is a problem.

[John DeLoney]

Solver to the max.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

His love language is, I'm gonna get the. Get the oil changed. Or do you do that too?

[Caller]

Well, that's probably not the best example.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what I'm saying.

[John DeLoney]

If you come home and say, I'm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Struggling with X, Y, or Z, does.

[John DeLoney]

He want to solve it for you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Maybe not.

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Dang Gina. Good on him.

[Caller]

Yeah.

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, that.

[John DeLoney]

Hey, don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't lament that. Most.

[John DeLoney]

Most of the law enforcement wives I know are like, I just want him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To sit by me, not fix everything.

[John DeLoney]

Here's what I'm wondering.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm wondering if he doesn't know how to love you. Next. And most of the time, when there's a major shift, somebody gets in an accident, somebody's mom dies, we. Somebody loses a job. Often both people are quote, unquote, trying to get back to the way things were. And it's you. You've heard me say this a thousand times. Did you listen to the show? A lot. The marriage y' all had is over. And it's exhaling and saying, okay, what kind of marriage do we want to build now? And it just so happens y' all are trying to rebuild the marriage in the middle of the worst blizzard, which is studying for the February bar while he's working a full time job while you're raising his three stepsons. You know what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And so y' all are going to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have to come up with a patchwork three month plan or four month plan followed by a six month plan.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which is how can I love you right now? Here's what love looks like. Because y' all gonna get in these gaslight dances, right? I can tell you don't love me.

[John DeLoney]

I love you. You're just being negative.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not being negative. I'm being super positive. I can just tell you don't love me. You're being. And neither of you, you're both saying things to each other to keep yourselves safe.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Instead of, I miss you and here's what I need. Here's. Here's what I want. I want you to hold my hand. I want you to pick me up out of this chair. I want you to put me in your lap and I want to watch a TV show with you.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I can't feel my feet. But I still want to hook up.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I don't. I'm just putting things out there like that. But it's, it's.

[John DeLoney]

Here is permission.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here is the path towards. To my heart.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's a path to my body.

[Caller]

Yeah. Because that's a whole new territory.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It is.

[John DeLoney]

But like, if he doesn't know what's safe, what's not safe, and I don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Even know how to ask the words, does this hurt? Does this feel okay? Is this like it's, it's slowly walking through those step by step by step and it's figuring out a way. Is there a way we can laugh through this?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is there a way we can be silly? Is there an off ramp here? Or is a. We're going to try this and if.

[John DeLoney]

This doesn't work, we're going directly to plan B.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, it's saying those things out loud instead of getting frustrated and then nobody does anything and then you both miss each other.

[Caller]

Yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. And a lot of times. Oh, sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

[Caller]

I'll try to, I'll try to tell him something and then he gets very defensive about it, of course. Or does the, the whole like, sorry, I'm not good enough. Sorry I'm not so and so. It's hard for him to hear that. So I think if I can come at it like you're saying, you know, very explicit and what I need in the moment, that would be helpful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But here's another thing. It's sitting down at the table when you'll have a clear the deck, like, hey, we got a new marriage now. You have a wife that is chair bound for the. For this season. I have a husband. And taking one of, if not the most stressful exam of any academic exam in this season while also working a full time job, trying to keep food on the table. Like, I need you. If I say something, we're both, if you say these words, we're both trying to figure out how to do this new life. If I say something that sounds critical, I'm going to Ask you to hear it as, I love you so much. Could you love me like this?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not you're failing me. And what you're asking him to do is to be a big, grown up, big boy and not run away every time he gets his feelings hurt.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you'll have to be able to put money on the table. You have to be able to put sex on the table and say things explicitly. I want you to take my shirt off, but I'm sitting in a wheelchair. And I know that's weird. Can we laugh and figure this out? Or I want to do X, Y, or Z. And I know that's going to be weird until we get through it the first time or the 10th time. And it's not how Hollywood draws it up, but it's just walking through that together.

[Caller]

Okay.

Yeah. That all makes a lot of sense because we have tiptoed around a lot, and we both have thoughts and feelings and we try to share, but it's different and awkward.

[John DeLoney]

And that's why I love, love, love.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The clear the deck meeting. Because otherwise people try. They get the courage, the courage, the courage. And. Or they hold it, hold it, hold it, and then it just explodes.

[John DeLoney]

Well, I want to try this. And you never want to do this. And it always comes at a day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When you've had two extra painkillers and you've had constipation for four days, and you're like, not today. And then it feels like. It feels like a. Like he finally got the.

[John DeLoney]

I want to do the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then he feels rejected, and the only thing he can do is fight back. Right. It just starts this loop. Or you finally get the courage to say, hey, honey, tonight, maybe. And that's the night. He's got the biggest bar prep day. Right.

[John DeLoney]

So it's just.

[Caller]

It's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's getting away and clearing the deck and saying, hey, what does this look like for just four months? Anybody can do anything for four months.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But, yeah, tiptoe. It's. It's the opposite of tiptoe.

[Caller]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

Do you think he loves you?

[Caller]

I do.

I just found.

[John DeLoney]

That was a long hesitation.

[Caller]

Yeah. I don't know.

I just don't. I don't know if this is too much. He says it's not, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, when you say if this is too much, I want you to be honest about what you're asking. Am I still lovable now that I'm in a chair? Yeah, that's the question.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if he says yes, I'm in. You can't keep taking your doubt, your cinder blocks you're carrying around and handing them to him and making him carry them.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just because you feel less than or not beautiful or maybe a burden or not lovable doesn't mean that he thinks you are. But what you go looking for in the world, you're sure to find.

[Caller]

Yeah. So then I just.

I guess, look.

To see if his actions match those words. After I give him, you know, after we talk specifics.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to put the focus not on him for right now, but on you. Here's what I mean.

[Caller]

Okay. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to look him in the eye and say, every ounce of my being feels like I'm a burden to you now, but I'm going to trust you that I'm not. And I'm going to practice feeling lovable.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm going to practice feeling sexy. I'm going to practice feeling spontaneous.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And all of those things are going to feel uncomfortable. And you're going to look for every glance he gives you, every time he closes his eyes and looks away. You're going to look for every shred.

[John DeLoney]

Of proof that you're not lovable, that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You'Re not sexy, that you're not pretty, that you're not wife material anymore. And you have to commit to practicing those things.

[Caller]

Okay.

I can do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then he's gonna have to commit to practicing, to just going in. And it's gonna be weird to unbutton somebody's shirt when they're sitting in a chair. It just is, right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's gonna be awkward to fill in the blank, but it's. It's. It's. The only thing that's going to crush this thing is the tiptoeing.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just head right through it. This is what. This is. What this is. This is us choosing reality.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you are going to stay on your ot. If you're seeing gains and you're seeing yourself get stronger and you're seeing these changes, that's amazing.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm very hopeful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I'll also say one more thing, and this is just my personal experience with my friends who are police officers. Many of them carry shame that their wives have to work when they don't want to. There's this sense that I'm doing this really remarkable job, this hard job, this providing job, this. It's this caring job. Yet when I go to the only metric that most men have to whether they're worthy of being loved, which is their checking account, that job doesn't pay anything. It's a. It's a. It's a cultural disgrace, but it's. It's just where we are. And I can't imagine that he's not also carrying around the fact that his wife still has to go to work in this season. Maybe not. Maybe I'm projecting onto him just from my friends that are. That are officers.

[Caller]

No, I think. I think that's pretty accurate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But letting him know I want to be here right now and that, you see, I see how hard you're working so that one day you're going to get a job as an attorney. You're either going to go help the least of these, which is what you are. You're going to go make a whole bunch of money or both or whatever. But I see how hard you're working for me, for us. I'm so proud of you.

[Caller]

And I probably don't say that enough. I say it, but not nearly enough.

[John DeLoney]

But I mean, saying it like where.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You'Re have both hands on his face.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

He could use that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you can say, all right, dummy, now hold my face and tell me that I'm still hot. Right?

[Caller]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or I just made that up. That was sexist. Sorry.

[John DeLoney]

But like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, whatever you need to hear or want to hear.

[John DeLoney]

Like, I see how hard you're working and you're going to work, and I'm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Proud of you, too. Right? It's. It' y' all learn. Like committing to. We got to rebuild this thing from the floor up. Do you still choose me?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then believe it and not right.

[John DeLoney]

Out the gate because most people are like, I'm going to believe it and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then you don't feel it. Right. It's practicing that belief.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm going to choose to. When he says I love you and then he does X, Y, or Z, I'm going to choose to believe that even when I don't feel it.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that means when I choose to believe it, I'm going to take an action. I'm going to send him a card. I'm going to send him a flirty text. I'm going to send him something. I'm going to practice the action of belief.

[Caller]

And we did download your app and he has been sending me I love you text throughout the day.

[John DeLoney]

Gross.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, listen, A, thanks for getting that app, but tell him I don't want you to send me just I love you text. Here's what I want you to. Here's what I really want.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want a shirtless Picture of you in your uniform. I don't know what's you, what weird.

[John DeLoney]

Stuff y' all are into, but like, I want you to, like, up the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ante for him and give him a barrier to cross to come get his love.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A tiny barrier. A teeny tiny one.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

I like that. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My guess is he is sitting around thinking I can't even provide for my wife and yet he's working a full time job and studying for the bar, which is something I always tell people don't do. And I don't know how to love her now, but I do.

[Caller]

Yeah, that is really helpful. That just makes my heart feel better just thinking of it that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. And everything has changed and you're still worthy of being loved, Lynn.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the new adventure is how do we be rambunctious and full of joy and play and Eros and sexy and.

[John DeLoney]

Sad sometimes and grieving.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How do we do all that together now?

[John DeLoney]

Because it's all new.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have a totally new marriage and the, the fun to be had here, the adventure to be had here is getting to discover each other again in this new environment, this new context. Hi, my name is Lynn. I think you're kind of cute. You want to go out? Like that's where we are, which can be terrifying and kind of awesome. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

[John DeLoney]

If you have ever seen me out in the world, whether I'm speaking on stages, at live events, or even the other night when I was at a comedy club doing a set, you have seen me wearing a poncho shirt. It is cold outside right now, so I can wear my favorites, my poncho denims and flannels. These are the ones I wear almost every day, like the Laramie, the Buffalo, and so many more. I love all of poncho shirts. Poncho's performance denim has that soft, broken in feel with a little bit of stretch. It's like you've worn it a hundred times, but it still looks incredible. Poncho flannels come in original or western styles, and I guarantee you they're going.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To be the softest shirts you own.

[John DeLoney]

Somehow they're both durable, but also insanely comfortable. Poncho shirts come in slim or regular fit. They're built for real life and they hold up to whatever your day throws at you. When you are shopping for the guys in your life this holiday season, go to ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney by the way, everyone I know is wearing poncho Shirts now. Airports, other states, all across the country, people are getting the message. Poncho shirts are the best. You can sign up right now with your email, and you're gonna get 10 bucks off your first order. That's ponchooutdoors.com Deloney. Go check them out. All right, Kelly, something cool happened.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is it?

[Kelly]

All right, this is from Megan in Salt Lake City, and Megan writes, thank you for making the questions for humans cards. Trying to get my husband to talk is like trying to draw blood from a stone. Even when I ask him how his day was, I get one word answers. On our most recent dates, I pulled out the couple's deck and we had a nice conversation. On the way home, he started asking me questions, and it was delightful. I have the questions in my purse now, and we pull them out anytime we are together. Who knew that something so simple would make such a huge difference?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Wait. Hey, thanks for not giving up on your husband and going for different ways to try to communicate with him. And good on him for being like, I'll put my phone down. Okay. I guess that's my voice. For every husband at a restaurant who just answers one. That's the language my son speaks now. Is this, hey, how was school today? Good.

[Kelly]

I was good. Fine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, I just got a million dollars in cash for you. Okay.

[Kelly]

All right. Yeah. My son comes home. He's 19. He'll come in from work. How was your shift? Fine. Okay, great.

[John DeLoney]

Has your son had the, hey, is this just the rest of my life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now, where you just wake up and go to work and then come home a little bit?

[Kelly]

He starts trade school, hopefully in January, because he's on the waiting list, so we're waiting, so he knows there's something else in between. But he's. He's realizing it's like, oh, this is what I've chosen, and. And this is it forever. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

My wife tells this great story about, like, being in high school and, like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Seeing her mom making lunches or something. And she was like, this is just your life.

[John DeLoney]

And she, like, called her mom out. Her mom just, like, walked out of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There like, oh, that was a deep wood.

[John DeLoney]

You just wake up every day and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, do the same stupid thing over doing and go to bed and repeat, this is your life. And I was like, oh, God, being an adult's terrible.

[Kelly]

Well, now he'll say things like, I'll ask him to do something. And mind you, he's not working quite full time. He's like 30 something hours. And he'll be Like, I have to work today. Really? How's that? The five hour shift that you worked, how's that going? And then he'll realize he said it and he's like, oh, okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, never mind, never mind. Yeah, that's awesome.

[Kelly]

When they realize like, oh, I have to work and still do all the things that I have to do and. Yeah. So there's a little vindication in it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Feels so good. It feels so good.

[Kelly]

Yeah. And I always say, remember when you couldn't wait to be an adult? Welcome. Here it is.

[John DeLoney]

And it sucks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Except you can go to Taco Bell whenever you want.

[Kelly]

Which he's starting to flex that now. He's starting to realize, like we've ever told him he couldn't. Like last night a friend of his picked him up at 10 o' clock and they went out because his friend just got a new car and they, they went out for like an hour and a half and he was like, oh, I can do that now. And I'm like, he's like, do you mind? I was like, you're 19, be home by midnight. That's all I ask. And he's like, oh, okay. So he's starting to realize, like, realize those things.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. You can tell a 19 year old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You don't want Taco Bell at 11 o', clock, but you just have to let the digestive system do the tough.

[Kelly]

Figure that out. And he's going on his first weekend trip this weekend.

[Caller]

Uh.

[Kelly]

Oh yeah, they're going to Gatlinburg for a car show. Cause that's my son's passion is cars. And so he and another guy they rented, they've got their own hotel room.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

And do they still have the car.

[John DeLoney]

Girls, like the women in bikinis with like the things?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or is that like, oh, gee, I don't know.

[Kelly]

None of the car shows I've been to with him, it's just a lot of. And you know that stuff. But it's all like Ferraris and McLarens. This is like high end cars.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not tight, it's, it's not mustaches. This is like tight jeans. No, this is like smaller men.

[Kelly]

Yes, exactly. This is a lot of like really, really expensive sports cars. And so. But they're going, just the two of them. They're staying for two nights, so. And I'm like, it's okay, it's okay, you can do it. He's 19, it's okay. Yeah, a little nervous. It's gonna be a Gatlinburg. It's not like it's Vegas.

[John DeLoney]

So, I mean, for a 19 year old. 19 year. I have made crummy hotels in La.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Mesa, Texas into Vegas.

[John DeLoney]

So you can figure it out.

[Kelly]

Okay, shush.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm just saying.

[John DeLoney]

Gatlinburg, here they come.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Love you guys.

[John DeLoney]

Stay out of trouble.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Bye.