How Do I Have Sex When I Hate My Body?

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: How Do I Have Sex When I Hate My Body?
Host: Dr. John Delony, Ramsey Network
Date: September 10, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show centers on how deeply personal experiences—from body image struggles to fertility journeys and major life transitions—affect mental health, relationships, and intimacy. Dr. Delony provides compassionate, no-nonsense advice to three callers: Allison, wrestling with postpartum body image and intimacy issues; Alex, grieving a move and a season of life; and Luis, trying to safeguard her marriage's joy amidst the stress of infertility. The episode is marked by Dr. Delony’s characteristic vulnerability, candid insights into his own struggles, and practical strategies for navigating complex emotional terrain.

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1. Caller: Allison – Postpartum Body Image & Intimacy

Segment: [00:05-13:00]

Main Discussion Points

• Allison’s Story:

  • Six months postpartum, traumatic birth injury, negative body image.
  • Finds intimacy physically and emotionally challenging; can only be intimate in the dark.
  • Lifetime of body image struggles, particularly around weight and teasing about physical features (e.g., ears).

• Exploring the Roots:

  • Dr. Delony delves into family dynamics, focusing on Allison’s father’s food and weight criticisms and her mother’s lack of protection.
  • Body image negativity was deeply internalized from childhood experiences.

• Impact on Marriage:

  • Allison’s husband is deeply supportive and physically affectionate, but Allison struggles to accept his love and attraction as genuine.
  • Dr. Delony points out the disconnect between how Allison sees herself and how her husband does.

• Deeper Issues:

  • Dr. Delony equates body dysmorphia with a deeper feeling of unlovability, echoing his own experiences.
  • Stresses the importance of addressing the “core belief in your unlovability” to avoid passing body image issues onto her child.

• Practical Guidance:

  • Encourages therapy for unwinding internalized stories about lovability and beauty.
  • Advocates for allowing loved ones’ perception and love to “carry you” during tough moments.
  • Suggests intentional gratitude and vulnerability with her husband as steps towards healing.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the disconnect between self-perception and reality:

  “Is there evidence in your past that the glasses you wear with which you see yourself may not represent reality in full?”
  (Dr. Delony, 05:33)

• On family-based body image wiring:

  “When you had to wonder if your dad thinks you’re beautiful, that gets wired into your nervous system.”
  (Dr. Delony, 06:12)

• On not having to love every part of yourself:

  “There’s a movement on one side of the world that says you should love every inch of you. Shut up. We don’t. There are things about us we don’t like… that’s just life.”
  (Dr. Delony, 11:52)

• On passing legacy to children:

  “I’m really worried about you passing this along to your new baby.”
  (Dr. Delony, 10:26)

Key Timestamped Segments

• Caller shares her struggle (00:05-02:38)
• Family background and history with body image (03:07-07:15)
• Breakdown of deeper issues and guidance (07:15-13:00)

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2. Caller: Alex – Life Transitions & Grieving Change

Segment: [15:07-24:30]

Main Discussion Points

• Alex’s Dilemma:

  • Moving from Texas back to California to be near family; anxiety about lifestyle change, higher cost of living, and “grieving Texas.”

• Processing Transition:

  • Dr. Delony normalizes Alex’s feelings of loss and transition, describing it as part of the “natural transition number two” (around age 28-32): a time when expectations meet reality and priorities change.

• Decision-Making Clarity:

  • Challenges Alex to specify what he hopes to solve or gain by returning to California.
  • Encourages honest assessment of the reasons for moving and warns against laying responsibility (e.g., on his niece) for the decision.

• Actionable Advice:

  • Make a ranked list of fears and logistical challenges with the move; tackle them one by one.
  • Be intentional about rebuilding community and routines—join activities, be proactive in meeting people.
  • Reframe the move as something Alex wants for himself, with family as an added benefit.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On reconciling expectations and adulthood:

  “This sense begins to settle in about 28 to 32, which is: ‘I thought my life would be different right now.’”
  (Dr. Delony, 19:38)

• On owning your decision:

  “Don’t make this whole thing about your niece, because she can’t carry the weight of this move.”
  (Dr. Delony, 24:10)

Key Timestamped Segments

• Explaining the move and anxieties (15:07-18:07)
• Processing loss and new direction (19:38-22:44)
• Action steps and reframing the move (22:44-24:30)

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3. Caller: Luis – Infertility and Protecting Marriage Under Stress

Segment: [28:00-39:36]

Main Discussion Points

• Luis’s Struggle:

  • Nine months into trying to conceive; promised herself not to stress, but is feeling consumed by disappointment and intrusive thoughts.
  • Community and church full of young families intensifies sense of loss.
  • Admits to holding back her pain and not wanting to add to her husband’s stress.

• Emotional Processing & Communication:

  • Dr. Delony prompts Luis to name her emotions: sadness, frustration, shame, helplessness.
  • Emphasizes the importance of vulnerability—putting sadness, frustration, and unmet expectations “on the table” with her spouse.
  • Cautions against letting secrecy become “a cancer” in the marriage.

• “Roadmap” Conversations:

  • Suggests scheduled check-ins to discuss all fertility-related feelings—weekly or monthly, not just in crisis moments.
  • Couples should prepare each other for how to best support when cycles don’t result in pregnancy (e.g., “Bring home dinner and flowers,” or “Just hug me”).

• Playfulness & Grieving Together:

  • Recommends finding ways to keep intimacy playful, even if it’s scheduled due to fertility cycles.
  • Stresses the importance of grieving in their own ways, holding space for differences in coping.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the pain of waiting:

  “They spent all our teenage years telling us it’s practical and it's going to happen at the drop of a hat… then it's frustrating to be in the position of ‘wait, this is harder than I thought.’”
  (Luis, 31:53)

• On protecting each other from pain:

  “What are you trying to protect him from? Are you protecting him? Or are you protecting you?”
  (Dr. Delony, 30:05)

• On the risk of secrecy:

  “The one underlying thing that I see create a cancer in a marriage is secrets.”
  (Dr. Delony, 35:03)

• On roadmap conversations:

  “Give him a roadmap for ‘this is the best way you can love me when my period starts’… that would be such a blessing.”
  (Dr. Delony, 39:24)

Key Timestamped Segments

• Articulating the struggle and initial advice (28:00-33:41)
• Marriage dynamics and communication about pain (34:05-39:36)

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4. Listener Feedback & Dr. Delony’s Closing Remarks

Segment: [43:20-45:57]

Main Discussion Points

• Listener Email from Hannah:

  • Credits a previous episode’s advice (social media and news detox) for improving her well-being ahead of her own IVF cycle.

• Delony on News/Social Media:

  • Advocates turning off all news notifications for better mental health.
  • Praises those who take purposeful breaks from digital noise to focus on real-life relationships.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On notifications:

  “Turn off all notifications. That is the way your phone runs your life instead of the phone is a tool for you to run your life.”
  (Dr. Delony, 44:07)

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Summary of Main Insights

• Body Image & Lovability:
  Internalized childhood criticism wires deep beliefs about worth. Breaking this cycle takes time and vulnerability—sometimes trusting others’ love when you can’t see yourself clearly.

• Life Transitions:
  Grieving the end of a season is normal. Big life moves should be motivated by clear, personal reasons, not just inertia or “shoulds.”

• Fertility & Marriage:
  Infertility is as much an emotional challenge as a medical one. Frequent, structured communication about pain, hopes, and ways to support each other transforms it from a secret burden into a shared journey.

• Digital Boundaries:
  Purposeful digital detox fosters closeness with loved ones and reduces unnecessary anxiety.

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Tone & Style

Dr. Delony’s approach is warm, direct, and sprinkled with humor and self-deprecation. He balances tough truths (“Shut up, we don’t love every inch of ourselves”) with compassionate validation (“You’re not crazy; it’s okay to be sad”). His style encourages both action and grace for oneself and loved ones navigating emotional upheaval.

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For more episodes or to ask your own question, visit: ramseysolutions.com/shows/the-dr-john-delony-show

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Transcript

[A]

I gave birth six months ago. The pregnancy was really, really rough on me. I hate the way it looks. My husband goes to kiss me and I can feel my whole body tense up. I just can't do it.

[B]

Can we do something awkward since it's just me and you and a couple of million people listening?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

This is gonna be vulnerable, so if you don't wanna do it, I totally understand. Okay. What up? What up? The Dr. John DeLoney Show. I'm so glad you're here. Taking your calls from all over the planet on mental and emotional health and relationships and marriages and kids and everything. Everybody in the club can call. If you want to be on this show, go to john deloney.com/john deloney.com ask and top secret. Go to the Apple Store and check out the Together app, my brand new app that will transform your marriage with daily practices. Together by Dr. John Deloney. Go check it out. It's six bucks a month for both of you. Or you can do it just by yourself. I'm not doing a big launch till the fall, but we are slowly letting it out. Go check it out. All right. Let's go out to the concrete jungle where dreams are made of New York and talk to Allison. What's up, Allison?

[A]

Hi. Thank you so much for taking my call today.

[B]

Of course. Thanks for calling. What's up?

[A]

So stop me if I'm rambling, but.

[B]

I have you heard me before. I'm the chief rambler. That would be so hypocritical.

[A]

I do it when I'm nervous, so.

[B]

I do it all the time because I'm always nervous. So go ahead.

[A]

So I gave birth to my wonderful daughter six months ago. And long story short, the pregnancy was really, really rough for on me and the baby. We both had some pretty serious issues. And my mantra the whole time was, it's temporary. But then during labor, I ended up tearing very, very badly. And then at my six week postpartum checkup, I was told that at some point in the past six weeks, I must have reopened it. So it healed incorrectly. And basically a part that was stitched in healed outside. And I hate the way it looks. And I am having so trouble. Like, my husband goes to kiss me and I know he's going to try more, and I feel my whole body tense up and I just. I can't do it. And then the times that I am able to actually be intimate, it has.

[C]

To be pitch black.

[A]

Like if I see myself, I'll have to stop right away. And I'm just Trying to kind of find the new normal because this, my mantra was it's temporary and this isn't temporary anymore.

[B]

Yeah, I guess the actual pregnancy itself is temporary, but everything from the kid to every physical change you have is, is, is ongoing. It's. Right.

[A]

Yeah, that was.

[B]

Dan, can I ask you a few, like, larger questions to kind of zero in?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where have you struggled with body image in the past?

[A]

I've always had a problem with my weight.

[B]

Okay, tell me about that.

[A]

I've like, I've always been very up and down and.

[C]

I've had.

[A]

I guess my dad tried to be supportive of it and it came off more as just kind of critical of it. So I've always had that complex.

[B]

Okay, back, back all the way up. I want to hear what's the thing your dad said when you're a kid?

[A]

Like, it was, if he saw me eating something bad, it was right away, you're trying to lose weight and that's.

[C]

Not going to help you.

[B]

Okay. The fact that you just labeled a food good or bad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Tells me that stuff's in there deep, isn't it?

[A]

Yeah, it's definitely something I've. I've always had a problem with.

[B]

Okay. How old are you now?

[A]

29.

[B]

Okay. Can we do something awkward since it's just me and you and a couple of million people listening?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Okay. This is going to be vulnerable, so if you don't want to do it, I totally understand. Okay. Can you close your eyes for me?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Picture 18 or 19 year old you in front of a mirror. What's a part of your body that you don't think is beautiful and why.

[A]

The big one would be the stomach because it's definitely not flat.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Another one that's always been a problem with me was I have larger ears that kind of stick out and I was bullied pretty hard for those ones. God, it's almost everything if I'm being completely honest with myself.

[B]

Okay, so tell me about this clearly blind, like Neanderthal of a man who said, I want to spend the rest of my life with you and create humans together. Tell me about this idiot.

[C]

He has been.

[A]

Honestly, I. I couldn't have done any of this without him. He has been so supportive.

[B]

He.

[A]

He knows, he's known way before the baby how I felt about my body. And he makes sure he tells me every day. It's amazing. And he's so attracted to me and, and you know, he's very touchy and that's kind of. His love language is physical touch. So with him, I'm comfortable. With anybody else, it's like, please, like, no contact.

[B]

Where else does your husband just lie to you so outright, like he does clearly every day? Does he lie to you about money and his job?

[C]

No.

[B]

Okay. So here's what I'm trying to get at. Is there evidence in your past that the glasses that you wear with which you see yourself may not represent reality in full?

[A]

I. I think it maybe was never as bad as I thought it was. Like, I would have seen myself as obese, and I was probably just a little bit overweight.

[C]

But it's.

[A]

And I know that rationally, but then, like, mentally it's like, no, it was. It was bad.

[B]

Yeah. When you had to wonder if your dad thinks you're beautiful, that gets wired into your nervous system.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When it. When you have to wonder if your dad's going to love you, that gets wired into your nervous system. And the way you look becomes an existential threat. Because it matters whether people will let you into their tribe or not.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where was your mom in all this?

[A]

You know, they. They didn't have the best relationship, and she didn't necessarily protect me or my siblings from him.

[B]

How did she live?

[A]

He was worse to her than he was to us. And when he wasn't being bad to her, she kind of just let it go because she was out of the target for once. So she didn't really say anything.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He was kind of just a presence.

[B]

So here's what I want to wire. Here's what I want you to hear me say.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

You are right to be bummed out, grossed out, annoyed, frustrated by the changes in your body. You can feel however you want to, especially in such a sensitive area. Right. And I also want you to recognize that the stories wired into you at your most core, being about beauty and about how you look and about a woman's lovability, is incredibly distorted. And people don't like this when I say it, but I'm a person who, when I get emotional about a thing. By the way, if you've listened to this for more than five minutes, I've talked openly about. I've got head, body, dysmorphia since I was young. I don't see the world as it is. And a. That's something that I'm always working with, but it's less about trying to, quote, unquote, fix my attractiveness and more about not hating myself. Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And most people who struggle with some sort of disordered eating or some sort of body Image issue. Underneath the body image issue is an attempt to, to change the fact that we don't like who we see in the mirror. At a character level. We don't like ourselves. And mainly that comes from people that we cared about maybe didn't like us in the way that would have been helpful. Fair?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. If I get a flatter tummy, then maybe dad will think I'm beautiful and then that means he'll like me. Maybe if my ears were smaller than my friends wouldn't have pointed them out and then they would have liked me. None of which, by the way, is true because kids are mean and dads who don't value and prize their daughters are going to find something else to complain about. Your voice, your grades, your. They're going to find your hair, you're gonna find something. That's because that's, that's because that issue is about them. Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so what I've had to do when things, when I get over sensitive about a thing or very sensitive, I won't say over, but very sensitive about a thing, I have to find myself often outsourcing it. What does that mean? That means there are times when I haven't been taking care of myself very well. Or I'll go on a gummy candy eating binge and I'll put a shirt on and I'll look, just walk by my wife and say, is your shirt okay today? And because I don't feel great in it and she'll 99% of time says you look good. Or her line is I would. Which means I would date you again. And that to me is what I lean on when I'm not seeing the world clearly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But the deeper issue that I really want you to go talk to somebody about is you've got to be able to love you and you've got to allow your husband to love you because I'm going to make this mean. Is it okay for me to be a little bit mean?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Okay. I'm really worried about you passing this along to your new baby.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I would be shocked if that didn't concern you too. That didn't worry you also.

[A]

And terrifying.

[B]

Okay. The criticism that you'll pass along to a kid will really be criticism to the nine year old inside your chest.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And going to meet with somebody and just work through that. Because dads aren't supposed to say that to their daughters and moms are supposed to protect their kids. And also moms are supposed to keep themselves safe when there's Abuse and all that stuff, all that nonsense. Sitting with somebody and unwinding it out of your nervous system so that you can be. And by the way, you will probably never come to what, like the. There's media, like, you should love every part of you. Shut up. Shut up. I'm never going to love that scar. Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But one day I'm going to flip all the lights on and say, go get him, buddy to husband. And I am going to. Going to feel that anxiousness, and then I'm going to begin to trust.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. Because the avoidance of the anxiety just makes the anxiety stronger.

[A]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

Okay. I threw a lot at you. How does all that sound?

[A]

You know, it. It really all makes sense, and it. It feels good to hear somebody else say it.

[B]

You're not crazy. And I think there's a movement on one side of the world that says you should love every inch of you. Shut up. It's dumb. We don't. There's things about us we don't like, and kids are mean, and parents try their best and they don't do a good job. Sometimes that's just life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And also, hiding in the dark or thinking that our feelings are always right is wrong, too.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. And if we have, you and I are blessed with people who love us to the moon and back.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And sometimes we think they're crazy for loving us, Right?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Okay. Sometimes you and I have to just blindly trust the person we're leaning on that we've created humans with to say, all right, lights are staying on. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah. No, that's true. He really has been great.

[B]

Okay. And maybe every once in a while, just go put your hands on his face and kiss him on the forehead and say, thanks for loving me. So good. Yeah. One of the greatest gifts a wife can give to her husband is the words thank you just for whatever that's worth. But I do want you to call somebody and for the first time possibly in your life, address a. The body image challenges. And that will take time. That take several years to work through that, if I'm being honest. But deeper than the body image issues is this core belief in your unlovability. And you're worth being loved. And so is your awesome husband, and so is that amazing new baby. And you don't have to ever love that scar for you to still love you. You're awesome. Allison, thank you so, so much for the call. All right, let's get cozy. You know that I love adventures and I love being out there in the world causing trouble. But I'm telling you, by the end of the day, I. I'm ready to shut it down and go to sleep. And when I do, I want my bed soft and cool and ridiculously comfortable. And that's exactly what Cozy Earth delivers. They're amazing. Bamboo sheets made from viscose are super breathable, they regulate temperature, and they wick away heat and moisture. I sleep cooler with Cozy Earth sheets. I also love the Cozy Earth cuddle blanket. My whole family fights over it. This thing is ridiculous. It's ultra soft, it's plush, and it's got some weight to it without being too heavy. It's like an anxiety blanket combined with a hug from your grandmother all at the same time. It's so awesome. Listen, Cozy Earth can help you build a space that's a retreat for you and your entire family, just like they have for me and my wife. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 40 off your entire purchase. And if you get a post purchase survey, tell them you heard about Cozy Earth right here on this show. That's cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 40% off. All right, let's go to Dallas, Texas, home of Kelly's Cowboys. Ugh. And talk to Alex. What's up, Alex?

[D]

Hey. Hey, Dr. John. How are you?

[B]

I'm good, brother. What's up, man?

[D]

Oh, nothing much. Just enjoying my morning coffee and glad to be talking to you this morning.

[B]

Excellent. Excellent. Well, thanks for calling, dude. What's up?

[D]

Well, just give an idea what's going on. I recently made the decision to move back to California to be closer to family. Just give you a little background. I've been living in Texas for about five years and kind of living the bachelor lifestyle, single, have my own place and just hang out with friends on my free time. I have a really good career in aviation, very stable job, and as I enter my 30s, I realize I don't want to be way from family forever. They're about halfway across the country in California, and I decided I'd like to spend more time with them in the coming years as time goes on. And when I made this decision to move back to California, a lot of anxiety came over me in regards to moving from Texas to California for obvious reasons, mostly like finances and is my kind of like a stable lifestyle moving back just kind of like a. It's gonna be a huge life change and I'm trying to work through that right now.

[B]

But what kind of huge life change? Let me say this, I'm gonna call it out. There is a. Nobody's talking about it, but the data shows people are starting to go back to California. So you're not crazy. People left during COVID There was those two years of just chaos and insanity and madness and it felt like the end of time. There are people saying, okay, I liked being in Texas, it's a thousand degrees, I miss whatever. And so there is people making their way back across the country, back to California. And so just for whatever that's worth, and yes, it's going to come with higher taxes and yada, yada, yada, but you're not crazy. But the sentiment you're expressing is slowly happening across the country and the numbers are bearing it out. But what kind of lifestyle are you talking about?

[D]

Well, I mean, I'm, I'm living a debt free lifestyle. I was raised the Dave Ramsey way growing up, me and my sister and have no debt lifestyle.

[B]

Why would that change if you moved to California?

[D]

Oh, no, it's not changing. It's just I have a healthy lifestyle in Texas right now. You know, my apartment's affordable, groceries affordable. I have a good, healthy social life outside of work. Going back to California, I know I'm gonna have to kind of rebuild that, which is kind of daunting, kind of kind of intimidating.

[B]

But you just did it when you moved to Texas.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, I basically, I went to school in Texas in the past, made friends and then I moved back to California in 2017 and that was kind of a humbling experience because I expected life to be kind of different. I basically thought I was going to take on the world after I graduated college with a good career and all that stuff. And basically reality just hit me to where, you know, you can't be successful at everything. And I moved back to Texas in 2019 to. Because my friends were still here and they were still kind of living together. And I, you know, I want to be part of that, be around it. And I wasn't really quite ready to settle down yet. And so I moved back to the Dallas area and it was, it's been a, been a fun adventure ever since then. For the past five years. I mean, I've loved it and I think it's just kind of the idea of that ending also, which is kind of posing a challenge.

[B]

I don't understand what your question is. Like, how can I help? Are you trying to decide whether you should move or are you going to move and you're trying to decide how to grieve Texas. Like what?

[D]

Yeah, yeah. I'm actually. I'm learning how to grieve Texas. It's kind of a. I didn't realize how much of a challenge that was going to be.

[B]

How old are you?

[D]

I am 31.

[B]

Yeah. You are in NAT. You are in natural transition number two.

[D]

What is that?

[B]

That is. I'm just playing the bell curve here, Right. This isn't everybody's experience, but by and large, people leave their house at 18, they go to college, they go to work, they move, they do whatever. And then there's this sense that begins to settle in about 28 to 32, which is, I thought my life would be different right now. Or things I thought were really important at 24 just aren't. Or my job just moved me. Or now I'm on kid number three. Or now I want to get married. But it just becomes a transition point. Right. And part of that transition point is excitement. Or what's the right word? Like, just making peace with this is our life. Or it's and. Or it's also grieving the life that we had. It was Fun to be 25, running around Texas with your old high school buddies, your old college buddies. That was awesome.

[D]

Right?

[B]

But I guess my. My deeper challenge to you is why do you think you have to go to California? Like, you. You've painted nothing but awesomeness and taxes and nothing but misery in California. What life thing are you going to solve by going back to California?

[D]

Just being closer to family and.

[B]

But you left them in the first place.

[D]

Yeah, I. I kind of had the idea that I would be coming back eventually.

[B]

For what?

[D]

Just after the. You know, just. I wasn't really quite sure what's going to go on, but I never had the idea of being away forever.

[B]

I. I know, I know, but you're not answering my question. You're just going on pontificating ideas. You know what I thought I was going to be when I was 18? A heavy metal singer. That's what I thought.

[D]

Right.

[B]

Did not work out for me. So I. And that's just one of thousands of ideas I had about the world that have proven to be completely wrong. Right. So, like, I don't care what your past ideas were. I care now. What kind of life do you want to have? Because if you just pack up and move to California and you make way less money and you can't afford to live with your values and you're sitting two houses down from your parents like Ray Romano, and you have no friends, no community. You're going to be miserable.

[D]

Right.

[B]

So I guess what I'm asking you is, what are you going to accomplish by moving to California?

[D]

Well, I haven't really got that deep before.

[B]

Like your friends, your community. I'm sure you've dated some people. Like you're living your job. Everything sounds awesome in Texas, except that it's 5,000 degrees sometimes.

[D]

Right.

[B]

But I don't know what couldn't be solved with a few plane tickets to. And you live. You work in aviation. That couldn't be solved. Going to California to visit family and friends. But if your life is in Texas, it's okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And just because you didn't imagine it would be like that when you were 21 or 23 or 26 doesn't mean it's not just is. But if you tell me I'm missing my parents, I've got nieces and nephews. I've got an old flame that I want to be around. My parents are aging. Like, those are reasons to pack up and move. Even if it costs you money. But just this idea, like, I want to be around family. Why? I don't know. I don't like them. I don't like my job. I don't like my living situation. I'm not going to be able to live in my values. That's madness.

[D]

Yeah, well. But I do. I do love my family a lot. I do. We. We love each other. We. We aren't at each other's throats or anything. We're very close. And I think as time goes on, I don't want to miss out on anything. And I do have a little niece that I want to be around, too. Just not too far away. I could see every other weekend. That's one of the big motivators for me to move back. And I think I did want to. I do want to change in my life.

[B]

Great.

[D]

I'm kind of ready for a change. And I know my friends. My. My friends are really cool, but, I mean, they're kind of doing the same thing, and they're even talking about moving out of the area, too. So that's one reason why it's kind of. I'm kind of making that decision to move back. I.

[B]

That's awesome. Then here's the deal, dude. You make a list of the things you're most scared about. Making new friends, getting a new community, finding a gym, finding a place to live. That is reasonable. That's also safe. Right? Make a list and rank those that list in order of Most terrifying. And start there and go in order from easiest to hardest. But just start checking off the list because all this stuff is swirling around in your head right now and it's, it's just making it uncomfortable to brush your teeth in the morning because you have so much social angst, so much just anxiety riddling through your body. Make a list of all the things that are scary about this move and then just start checking them off a list. And then some of this stuff. You're just gonna have to go first and be weird when it comes to finding an apartment. I'm just gonna go first and be weird. Sign six months. I can do anything for six months. I am just gonna go first and be weird. I'm gonna join a bowling league or a karate league or a yoga class or a what a pickleball team. I don't know, dude, whatever they do in California. But I'm gonna go do that thing and I'm gonna go to guitar center and I'm gonna pull one of the little tabs off one of those things like band seeking bass player. I'm gonna do that. Like I'm gonna put myself out there and I'm gonna just start challenging myself in this transition. And I, I think you're gonna find peace wherever you go because you found peace in different locations, which tells me you're a guy who just finds a gang. And so you've done it before and I think you'll do it again. This time you're just gonna have to be intentional about it because it's hard at 30. It's kind of the worst actually of the whole world making friends at 30 or 40. I'm gonna go do it. And by the way, don't say I want to be around my niece. Don't you don't make this whole thing about your niece because she can't carry the weight of this move. So say I want to move to California. I also, when I'm in California, I'm going to get to see my niece. But if you make this all about her, you're going to crush her expectations, your expectations of her role in your life. No one can live up to that, especially a two or three or four year old little girl. So best of luck to you, brother. But you're not crazy if you want to leave Texas and go to California. I left Texas to come to Nashville and it was awesome. But I do miss the Lone Star State. We come back, a couple is fighting to protect their marriage while facing the pain of infertility. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Everyone is talking about therapy, therapy, therapy these days and I often hear folks say I don't think I've had any major traumas in my life, so I don't know if therapy is for me. Listen, this is really important. Therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for that, but it's also a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well being. Personally, I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past as well as for helping me navigate the day to day challenges that pop up. Many of you should consider seeing a therapist too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. And as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They have over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them to get started. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time, easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10 off your first month. That's better help. H E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, let's go out to the Utahs, to the Salt Lake City and talk to Luis. What's up? Luis?

[C]

Hi. Lovely to talk to you.

[B]

I'm glad that you called. What's up?

[C]

So my question is how do I make sure trying to have a baby doesn't damage me and my husband's relationship while we are struggle to try and conceive?

[B]

Oh man. Tell me about this adventure.

[C]

So my husband and I have been married for almost two years. We've been trying to conceive for about nine months. And when we started trying to conceive, I said I didn't want this to be a stressful experience. I have several friends who have struggled with conceiving. It was just clear that they put a lot of stress on their marriage. Their whole lives revolved around timing, ovulation and IVF cycles. And I remember talking to them and one of them saying we don't enjoy sex anymore. And I was like, that's the last thing I want from me and my husband. And I guess I've discovered that however much I want to not stress about it, reality is different.

[B]

It's so much easier to judge Other people's problems.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Deal with them in your own house.

[C]

But, yeah, not being able to get pregnant just feels like this whirlpool of, like, what's wrong with me? Supplements and tests and then waiting to see if I get pregnant before we can do more tests. And I'm trying not to drown in that, but finding it difficult to talk to my husband about it.

[B]

That, to me, is the. I've been through this, too. Okay? Been there. What you just expressed. The thing that is most concerning for me is your inclination to curl up and wall off and self protect versus y'. All sharing, having the same shared experience on the table. Because that tells me at a core level, you're beginning to wonder if you're lovable or marriable. Is that fair or wrong?

[C]

I. I don't think it's so much that I think I. I worry about stressing him out, which at the same time, I know is ridiculous, because I. I know he can tell I'm stressed.

[B]

Right, right, right. What are you trying to protect him from? Are you protecting him? Are you protecting you?

[C]

Probably both. On one hand, I'm. He's. He doesn't have the best stress management skills. So in some ways, I feel like I. Without meaning to, I end up holding onto this myself because I don't want to add to his stress load. At the same time, I'm like, there is a. I don't want to call it shame, but there is an element of shame. Like, I didn't want to be this person who's obsessing about wanting a baby when I have so much I am grateful for.

[B]

Man, there's a lot of stories going on in your heart and mind, aren't there? Stories about him, Stories about his abilities, stories about you, stories about motherhood, stories about gratitude, stories about. There's a lot, huh?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So let's, like, close your eyes for a second, and I want you just to imagine a clean kitchen table and just stories piled up all over it, like in boxes, like Amazon boxes, but they're full of stories. And I want you just to swipe your arm across that table and wipe it clean. And maybe for the first time, I want you to tell me, what are you feeling? Nine months into trying to have a baby, Are you feeling sad? Are you feeling scared? You feeling heartbroken? Are you feeling ashamed? What are you feeling?

[C]

I feel sad. I feel sad and I feel.

[B]

Stop right there. Stop with sad. First tell me about being sad.

[C]

I just. This is something that I never imagined would be difficult, you know? They spent all our teenage years telling us it's practical and it's going to happen at the drop of a hat.

[B]

Exactly.

[C]

Then it's frustrating to be in the position of wait. This is harder than I thought it was going to be. And I. We live in an area that has a lot of young couples and our church community has a million babies. I just look at other people with their babies and I'm like, that. That's what I want.

[B]

Okay, stop right there. Can I tell you that's okay. It's okay to look around and be pissed off that everyone else is having babies and you're not. You're not bad, you're not broken, there's not something wrong with you. That's a perfectly reasonable, normal feeling. Especially as you mentioned, they told you if you just looked at somebody wrong, you're going to get pregnant. Growing up being sad is right. Wanting to be a mom, even if you're successful as a, at a business, even if you've got resources and even if you married well, all wanting to be a mom is okay. It's okay to be sad. Tell me about being frustrated.

[C]

It just feels like we're doing everything right and then one has to sit and wait to see if that makes a difference.

[A]

I don't like waiting.

[C]

No, I like doing. I'm a very goal orientated person. I just want to have a list and say when I kick off the list, then, then the thing happens.

[B]

Yes. So I hope this doesn't come back to be a cruel thing for me to have said to you. I don't think it will. This is probably the best training for motherhood you could possibly have because kids don't operate on check boxes and lists. They are their own independent, wild and crazy people. Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's not helpful. I know. What else are you feeling? Tell me about you and your marriage.

[C]

My marriage is awesome. I have literally the best husband. I'm so grateful, like every day to have him in my life. We laugh, we have a great time. We are so happy together.

[B]

Okay. Can I challenge your relationship right now?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Happy. We dance, we laugh. Do y' all grieve together?

[C]

We do. We've had, as most relationships do, we've had some tough things that we separate from trying to conceive that we've worked through. And I feel like we're just a really good team at working through things. And I think that's part of my frustration is like, why can't I then bring this to the table and say, hey, I'm starting with this when there's so many other things that I know we have worked through.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Usually that comes from a place of you wondering if you'll still love me. Maybe not, but that's usually where that comes from. That when there is something that I'm afraid to put on the table, I'm afraid at how it's going to reflect on me. That may not be the case in your world, but that often is the case. And for whatever it's worth, the infertile infertility in your marriage, the challenges y' all are having, the nine months to a year, all like the doctor's appointments, if y' all start to go down that route, like the cost, the ethical concerns of IVF or not, or like all those things are hard and they're not how anyone would draw up their marriage. But they're. I mean, I just know people personally in every one of those categories, and not only are they overcomeable, but they bring people closer together. The one underlying thing that I see create a cancer but in a marriage is secrets. Somebody's got something that they're not putting on the table. Here is a. A way I've seen it be successful, and here's a way, if I could go back and do it on my own marriage, I would have that. We have some sort of weekly or monthly check in. Let's put. And it's. It's literally like, let's put everything about the baby on the table or a baby on the table. How are you feeling? Because I can promise you he's afraid to tell you that he really wants to have a baby too, because he doesn't want to pile on you. And he is not knowing. He knows there's tension and anxiousness in you or frustration or secrets, and he doesn't know what to do. And so there just gets to be this dance that forms. Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It could be a really divine act of love to say, hey, we're nine or ten months into trying to have a baby, and there's stuff I haven't told you about how I'm feeling inside. Could we have just a. All secrets on the table conversation? And he. Of course he's going to say, of course, of course. And then you can put it on the table and say, I'm really sad that we don't have a baby. And every time I see couples in church, I just want to yell and scream. And if he hasn't gone to the doctor, you can say, I really want you to go. Or if he has gone you can have all those mechanical conversations, but it'll start from a place of, I just haven't told you how sad I am. And then you get to grieve. How you grieve. And then he gets to grieve how he grieves. Where couples get sideways in this conversation is when he says, I'm cool, man. And he doesn't. He's not as sad about it as you are. Or he starts sobbing, and he's like, I don't know if I could. And there's. When there's a mismatch of grief, that's where couples get in trouble. And so letting him be as sad as he wants to be or not as he is, and also holding space for you get to be as sad as you are. And then y' all decide how we're gonna love each other through this.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

How does all that sound? I'm throwing a lot at you.

[C]

Oh, it sounds good.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I think it's just a conversation that we need to have, and you need.

[B]

To have it multiple times.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And if you could give him a road map for. And you're already there. It's an extra painful moment in your spirit when your period comes. Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

If you give him a road map for this is the best way you can love me when my period starts, that would be such a blessing to him and to you, because you'll have it out on the table, and he'll have a thing to do if you. If you say, just bring home dinner and flowers when that happens, or I just need you to hug me and not say anything, or I need to know that you're sad too. Like, whatever would give him a roadmap so he can follow it.

[C]

That would actually be quite helpful. I feel like my last period was particularly emotional for me, and I just didn't know how to tell them that.

[B]

But tell them ahead of time before the emotions come.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And by the way, feel free to set it all up. And then the emotions are bigger than you thought they were going to be or smaller and change in real time. Like, feel free to say, I told you to hug me. Don't touch me. Go get food. Right. Like that. All that's okay. It's just setting it up. Especially if you can set up some of those conversations. And here's the. Here's the big secret. I'm. I'm kind of doing an end around here. If you will talk through how he can best love you if you have a next period in month 10 of trying to have A baby. That will mean y' all have had the conversation about how heavy all of this is. And that will mean that you've had the conversation about how you can love each other when grief gets heavy. And that means you'll have the conversation when he's saying, I'm not really that worried about it yet. And you can say, I'm super worried about it, or he can just break down and start crying and say, I want to be a dad more than anything in the world. And I know that's extra shameful and pressure on you, but I do. And you can say, I'm so sorry, and y' all can weep together. And so some of those roadmap conversations are important because they force other conversations, and that brings you all closer, closer together. The thing that will drive you all furthest apart now is. Is secrets. So coming up with a structure for when and where it's okay to put these things on the table. And they're not weapons. They are just moments of shared experience that will bring us closer together as we navigate what millions of couples are navigating, which is, we thought we would just have sex, and ta da, Just like our high school health teacher told us, and it's not working out that way. Thank you so, so much for the call, sister. Finding ways to come together and finding ways to keep sex playful and joyful, even when it's on a calendar and even when you're ovulating, even when neither of you feel like it, but your little app said go. Now. Finding ways to keep it playful can make a world of difference. And then finding ways to grieve together if and when it doesn't happen. Thank you so, so much for the call. Appreciate your bravery. And by the way, when you do get pregnant, call us and let us know and we'll celebrate you. We'll be right back. All right, it's time for a quick word about Delete me. Do you feel like your digital footprint is starting to feel like a digital trail leading bad guys who are listening and watching everything you do online right back to you right now. Scammers are using phishing attacks. That's phishing with a ph, where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretend to know you, right? And you get an email or a text or a phone call, and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's looking out for you like a good friend, but they're not. They're trying to take stuff from you with these new technological advancements. No One is really safe. So what are we supposed to do? Start controlling what we can. We can learn about how to be careful online and offline and we can sign up with Delete Me. I use and personally recommend Delete Me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data. They've reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks, the harassment, and the other online threats before they start and take control of your digital privacy. With Delete me, go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney today for 20% off an annual plan that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Something cool happened. What is it, Kelly?

[E]

All right. This email is from Hannah in Cedar City, Utah, and she writes, I listened to an episode on June 17th where John encouraged listeners to go 30 days without social media or the news. I took the challenge, deleted my social social media apps, and turned off my phone's news notifications. My 30 days are up tomorrow and I have absolutely no desire to turn it back on. I've been able to focus on my relationship with my parents, God, and especially my husband as we're preparing for an upcoming IVF cycle. Before this, I was a huge social media addict and constantly stressing about everything going wrong with the world. Thank you so much for the great advice and for everything you and your team do.

[B]

You always add that, Kelly, because they.

[E]

Add it right here in writing.

[B]

They don't. You add it. Dude, that's awesome. Yes. By the way, this is a no brainer. Never. No, no, no brainer. Turn off news notifications, period. You should have no news notifications on your phone ever. Even like when I'm like out with some guys and one buddy's phone goes, I just am like, hey, we're not friends anymore because you're an idiot. Like, turn off sports score. No notifications. Because that is the way the overlords like that your phone runs your life instead of the phone is a tool for you to run your life. So turn off all notifications. If you want to go check the news because you, like made up stories about things that don't exist, then that's fine, go do that. But don't have them come to you. So there should be nobody with phones with any sort of news like whatever. Like. Like get your attention.

[C]

Ah.

[B]

Like, none of that. None of that. And then if you want to take be a gangster and take on the social media challenge, that would be dope. Good for her. It's awesome. Makes my heart feel good. I would love to know, can you put a note? Let's check back in with her and see if she's pregnant this cycle. That'd be amazing. If not carrying around all of the world's challenges that she can do nothing about didn't help her overall stress level, we'll see. No, I'm fine with that. Okay.

[E]

I don't know what you want me to add.

[A]

Just.

[E]

Okay. But I do agree that.

[B]

People should.

[E]

Take it off their phone because I've taken it off mine before, then added it back in, and I'm like, okay.

[B]

Better before.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Bye.