How Do I Tell My Family That My Daughter Isn’t Mine?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: How Do I Tell My Family That My Daughter Isn’t Mine?
Date: January 14, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

---

Overview

This episode is centered around caller-driven emotional and practical advice on family, relationships, and coping with significant life changes. The main theme is navigating the aftermath of infidelity, specifically the complexities around raising a non-biological daughter after a spouse’s affair, and how to communicate this reality to family. Subsequent segments also address supporting friends with persistent marriage problems and raising children following the sudden loss of a spouse.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Navigating Family Secrets: David’s Story

(00:05–14:47)

Background

• David calls to share his story: his wife had an affair 2.5 years ago; their daughter is biologically not his. He found out mid-pregnancy and chose to stay, but has kept this secret from much of his family.
• David’s friends and father know the truth and have been supportive.
• Now, expecting a second child, David wants guidance on telling his mother and in-laws.

Key Insights

• Integrity & Honesty in Healing: Dr. John stresses the importance of not sacrificing personal integrity for peace. Even after betrayal, new secrets—like hiding a child’s parentage—are another breach of honesty, this time by David.
  • "You became a guy who doesn't tell his family the truth." (06:49 – Dr. John Delony)
• Own Your Story: Reframe the conversation as an act of courage, opting for honesty over secrecy.
  • "I haven't been honest with everybody, and we have a story we want to tell." (07:17 – Dr. John Delony)
• Practical Steps for the Conversation:
  • Prepare emotionally and logistically; give a heads-up so the conversation isn’t abrupt.
  • Present “facts as friends”—be direct, clear, and compassionate.
  • Clarify the unwavering commitment to his family and wife.
  • Set boundaries for responses and remind others their vote doesn’t dictate David’s choices.
  • Decide whether to talk one-on-one or bring in his wife, depending on group dynamics.

Notable Quotes

• "One of the biggest challenges after dealing with a major issue... is to not cash in your own integrity in the process." (05:07 – Dr. John Delony)
• "I love my wife... but three years ago, there was an affair, and my wife got pregnant by another man. And I chose to adopt and keep that child." (10:45 – Dr. John Delony, advice on how to phrase it to family)
• "The person who speaks the least owns the anchoring of a conversation." (13:19 – Dr. John Delony)

2. Setting Boundaries: Supporting a Friend’s Troubled Marriage

(17:26–31:45)

Background

• Matthew calls in struggling with how to support his best friend, whose marriage has been spiraling for years—endless venting, little change, and emotional exhaustion for Matthew.
• He also worries about the impact on his godson, the couple’s child.

Key Insights

• Advice Fatigue vs. True Support: Dr. John advises, “Your friend doesn't want your advice. He wants you to serve as a trash can." (19:18).
• Role of Healthy Boundaries: The endless complaints are unhealthy for both men. True friends don’t just enable; they hold up mirrors.
• Catalyst Moments in Friendship: Recounting how a friend once challenged his habits transformed Dr. John’s approach to marriage—demonstrates the power of honest confrontation.
• The Sunk Cost Fallacy in Friendships: Don’t stay in draining relationships just because of shared history. If the dynamic has become toxic or stagnant, accept its changed nature.
• Action Steps:
  • Stop enabling venting by redirecting conversations or setting topic boundaries.
  • Invite the friend into shared activities that restore joy and connection.
  • Accept guilt over lingering resentment—sometimes, stepping back is necessary.
  • Let go of the fantasy of the old friendship and face present reality.

Notable Quotes

• "He's looking for a teammate against his wife and a real friend won't do that." (22:54 – Dr. John Delony)
• "The thing you need to metabolize is he's not your best friend. You have a fantasy of this friendship that doesn't exist in reality." (26:44 – Dr. John Delony)
• "Choose guilt over resentment. Choose the guilt of sitting down... and being like, 'Hey, hey, hey. I already heard all these stories. I want to have a night where I don't listen to you talk about your wife again.'" (30:49 – Dr. John Delony)

3. Coping with Loss: Parenting After Spousal Death

(34:39–50:04)

Background

• Maria calls after her husband Daniel died unexpectedly in a motorcycle accident, leaving her with three small children.
• She worries about raising her kids without their father’s example and instilling his values.

Key Insights

• Acknowledge the Immensity of Grief: Dr. John validates the profound, ongoing nature of such a loss—“there's not getting through this. You'll just find yourself expanding over time."
• Raising Children in Grief: Maria’s children will learn about their father and his values through her stories, rituals, and memories.
  • Keep his memory alive with stories, photos, yearly rituals (e.g., writing a letter to him at Thanksgiving), and making his character qualities part of family identity.
  • Include others—seek good male role models for her sons through intentional invitations (not just casual support).
• Integrating Grief and Growth: Her kids will grow up witnessing strength and vulnerability—a “master class” in love and resilience.
• Practical Rituals:
  • Set a place for Daniel at the holiday table.
  • Read a letter to him with the kids, linking their goodness to their dad.
  • Engage in community or charity acts in his honor.

Notable Quotes

• "You're going to give them a picture of what strength looks like that few kids will ever get." (40:34 – Dr. John Delony)
• "Your new responsibility is to get other men into their lives. ...I want you to formalize it." (47:20 – Dr. John Delony)
• "All those feelings are right. Gratitude, grief, sadness, heartbreak, joy—all that is mushed together." (49:31 – Dr. John Delony)

---

Memorable Moments & Quotes (with Timestamps)

• On integrity in hard times:
  "You became a guy who doesn't tell his family the truth." (06:49 – Dr. John Delony)

• Describing the need for honesty:
  "Say the thing right out of the gate. ...We have repaired our marriage. But three years ago, there was an affair, and my wife got pregnant by another man. And I chose to adopt and keep that child." (10:45 – Dr. John Delony)

• On friendship boundaries:
  “The thing you need to metabolize is he's not your best friend. You have a fantasy of this friendship that doesn't exist in reality.” (26:44 – Dr. John Delony)

• On loss and moving forward:
  "There's not getting through this. You'll just find yourself expanding over time." (39:41 – Dr. John Delony)

• On parenting through grief:
  “You're going to give them a master class in this is what grief looks like and this is what doing the next hard, excruciatingly hard thing looks like.” (40:34 – Dr. John Delony)

• Encouraging ritual for mourning families:
  “Set a table for him at Thanksgiving, set a place for him. And you wrote a letter to him to tell him how amazing his three kids are. And you read that letter in front of your three kids.” (44:07 – Dr. John Delony)

---

Important Timestamps

• David’s story: Affair, forgiveness, and truth – 00:05–14:47
• Matthew’s call: Supporting a struggling friend – 17:26–31:45
• Maria’s call: Parenting after husband’s death – 34:39–50:04

---

Listener Feedback & Episode Wrap-up

(54:16–56:00)

• Listener Kelsey writes about repairing her relationship with her father using Dr. John’s approaches to boundaries and communication.
• Dr. John emphasizes the cultural importance of gratitude, boundary setting, and celebrating loved ones openly.

---

Takeaways

• Honesty, even when painful, is fundamental to long-term family healing and self-respect.
• True friendship requires boundaries—sometimes the kindest act is ending, or redefining, a relationship that is no longer mutual or healthy.
• Grief does not simply “end”; it is managed and honored over time, especially through meaningful rituals, loving remembrance, and intentional community support.
• Celebrate and express gratitude to your people now—do it out loud, in front of your kids, and regularly.

---

“You did what I would call is the next. Right. Really, really, really hard thing ... that is rare these days, and it's inspiring.” — Dr. John Delony to David (14:47)

Transcript

[David]

Two and a half years ago, my wife had an affair, and my awesome daughter is a result of that. I found out that there was an affair midway through the pregnancy, and then pretty soon after that deduced that very low possibility that she was gonna be biologically mine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow.

[David]

What up?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going. Going on? This is John with Dr. John DeLoney show, Man. I had one of those new tonics from Chris Williamson's energy drink line, and I'm a little bit hopped up. Hope y' all are doing well today. Talking about your marriages, your relationships, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life, man, I feel like a lot. Kelly 2.0. I feel like a lot.

[Kelly]

You are a lot. I guess.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I guess. You're so kind. That's upgraded. Kelly 2.0, the one that's kind. And she doesn't say mean things. She just says, like, you're a lot.

[Kelly]

I guess I think them, but I don't say them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

See. Exactly. That's why you're 2.0. Actually, you're probably Kelly 3.0. That's like two. That's two, like, upgrades. Yeah, she says everything. All right, let's go out to Little Rock, Arkansas, and talk to David. What up, David?

[David]

Hey, what's up, Rocky? On. I'm glad you're talking to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You too, man. How we doing?

[David]

I'm doing pretty good. It's an honor.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's an honor to talk to you, man. What's up?

[David]

Well, I'll keep it pretty straight to the point here for you. About two and a half years ago, my wife had an affair, and my awesome daughter is a result of that. I've let my family basically believe that she is biologically mine. And I've told my closest friends, and I don't know how to tell my family or when's the right time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's a doozy, man.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So how long have you been married?

[David]

We are coming into our 10th year.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

10Th year. Okay. Tell me about your marriage leading up to the affair, then how you found out about everything, and then how y' all have decided to rebuild this thing since.

[David]

Leading up to. It was basically working a lot and just missing a lot of things I probably should have seen. And then I found out about midway through the pregnancy that she wasn't going to be mine and basically were kind of taken to court and forced into a paternity test. And then they gave away the rights. He was quite a bit older and didn't. Didn't really want anything to do with it or As I like to say, take a note out of your playbook that he's just very sick and not going to be there. And so I'm going to be her father forever. And we've basically been rebuilding our marriage through that just months at a time. And now we're pregnant again with our second. So I'm super excited. He's due at any minute.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Man, what a wild trip. Okay, take me to. Take me to the moment you're sitting at your kitchen table and you find out this baby. You're excited. Did you know about the affair before you found out? A, there's an affair, and B, this isn't my, my biological child?

[David]

No. I found out that there was an affair midway through the pregnancy and then pretty soon after that deduced that very low possibility that she was going to be biologically mine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow.

[David]

And I was at a McDonald's, actually.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

At a McDonald's. All right, take me there. Like, give me the. What's going on inside your chest, man?

[David]

Well, I mean, not nothing. It was heavy in the moment. Basically, he'd lost his second phone and had called me because I knew him as an individual as well, and he'd called me trying to speak to her to, you know, like, not call the phone type of thing. And then from there, her and I had discussions and talked through everything, and I'd pretty much relinquished that he was out of the picture and it wasn't going to be an issue. But then his wife decided to also make it an issue and kind of take us to court for paternity and everything. I think mostly the logic they used was that if I ever left her, she would come after him for child support or whatever, and he didn't want that. And so that's why they took us to court. But like I said, my biggest thing is just how do I tell my family about it? My friends are supportive. I've told my dad and he's, he's supportive, but I don't know about my in laws or my mom. I don't, don't know how to sit them down and tell them. With the holidays coming up, I don't know if I just dump all them all at once or take them aside individually.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, man, this, it's, it's, it's a lot. And, and here's where it's a lot. One of the biggest challenges after dealing with a major issue, right? Infidelity, bankruptcy, I would say anything that is like your marriage was no longer right, and now you're going to rebuild a new One is in defense or in support or as a part of the rebuilding process. Also, a. A key part of that. To do that well is to not cash in your own integrity in the process. Here's what I mean by that. In an effort to choose to stay with your why. And it sounds like her. Like there was never even a moment where you thought, I'm going to leave her for cheating on me. Is that right?

[David]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So I'm a guy who's gonna stick by her, and we're gonna figure this thing out. If she'll have me, I'll have her back, and we're gonna rebuild our marriage. And then you find out she's pregnant with somebody else's kid, then you have to go to court. Not because this man and his wife and. Or his wife want to be in the life of this child, but they want to get it written down that they never have to be in the life of this child.

[David]

That's correct.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which is. Matt. I can't even have my head around that, but that's a whole other call. And so in this process, you. And this. This is hard to hear. Okay, so I'm saying this with love and care. Right. You became a guy who doesn't tell his family the truth.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's. It's her issue, Her. Her breach of trust. This. And I'm saying this consequence who's also your daughter. Right. So it's not like I don't want to dehumanize your daughter, but the consequence of her actions, which is creating human life with somebody, El. That's. That's hers. And then she's going to have to own what's. What does rebuilding trust look like? But then you became a guy who cashed in his integrity in order to keep the peace, keep things quiet and all that kind of stuff. Does that make sense? And so really, the conversation here is twofold. One, you going first and saying, I haven't been honest with everybody, and we have a story we want to tell.

[David]

And it's just something we could do together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's why I think that's important. And again, every family is different, and I'm going to trust you that you know your family dynamics. So just you. You have a road map. What was it like telling your dad? How'd that conversation go?

[David]

It was. He was pretty quiet, quieter than I thought he'd be, but he took it really well. He's very grounded, individual, and I feel like I knew it would go well and basically just reassured me that, you know, nothing would ever change, and he loved us all the same, no matter what.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So has. Does he. Did he and your mom ever experience infidelity?

[David]

Not that he's ever talked to me about.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That's an incredibly measured response. Good on him. I would high five him if he was here, because here's what that sounds like to me. That sounds like a dad who exhales and says, this is my grown man son's life. And even if I would do this differently and everything in my body is telling me to tell him to run, this is his life and I'm going to be right here with him. That's. That's a. That's a. That's a. That's a. That's a out of, out of the norm response in a positive way. I. Let me say this way, I hope to stand by my son when he chooses to make courageous decisions, and I hope to stay by him in that way. That's. That's amazing. And so, no. How would the conversation go with your mom?

[David]

That's. That's my worry. She. I don't feel like she is as emotionally grounded as my father is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[David]

And, yeah, I don't really know. She's dealt with her own trauma through work. She's. Works as a sexual assault examiner, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[David]

She's not. I think she deals with trauma from that and likes to project that onto other people sometimes. But that's my own, you know, diagnosing. I don't know. I don't know if I need to wait till she's in a good headspace or just, you know, there's no time, like the present type of thing. I'm not sure what's best.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So here's, here's. Here's my rules of thumb. Okay. Number one, and I say this with all love, she doesn't get a vote on your actions or what happens next. Number two, you cannot control her choice as to how she responds. Number three, give her a heads up. This is coming like, hey, mom, when we get together for Thanksgiving, me and my wife, we need to take you out for breakfast. Just ask. We need to have a big, hard conversation. We're safe. We're not getting divorced. But we need to. Right before we have our second child, we need to go have a big conversation just to put everything out on the table. What is it? What's going to. What is it? What is it? We're going to tell you in person, but we need to set some time away. And that way she's not Just like hanging up the Christmas lights and being like. And you're like, oh, by the way, mom. Like, right. So that way it doesn't. She knows it's comp. There's some big conversation, and she can bring herself. Here's the next one that's big. Facts are your friends. And what I mean by that is, say the thing right out of the gate. There doesn't need to be a big story. I was working too much. And then one time that it is sitting down because she's going to think something's wrong with the baby. Number two, she's going to think y' all are getting divorced. She's going to think the wor. I've got cancer. She's going to think the worst. And so sitting down and saying, I need you to stay present with us. I need you just to listen to what I'm going to say. I love my wife to the end of the moon and back. And we have repaired our marriage. But three years ago, there was an affair, and my wife got pregnant by another man. And I chose to adopt and keep that child. And so that child is my daughter, but she's not my biological daughter. And I just wanted you to know this. Period, stop talking. You know what I'm saying?

[David]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if your wife is sitting with you, great. If she says, I just. I don't think I can. Fine. That's great. And y' all to know whether her being there will add a whole bunch of complexity. If you want to have a direct mother, son conversation, you'll know those dynamics better than anybody. I can think off top of my head. It would be best for me to have that conversation. If I was having to have this conversation with my parents, I would do it by myself. But if I was doing it with my brother and sister, I would do it with my wife, with me.

[David]

Okay. My other thing. I need to tell my siblings, too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And it's just dynamics. And I think it's clear to say this is. She is my daughter.

[David]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And. And you. Even if there's a long lull, I don't know what to say. I'm heartbroken. She starts crying, whatever. Say, I've been through all this, mom, and this is new for you, and this is not going to change your relationship with my daughter, your granddaughter. And it's repeating those things over and over.

[David]

Okay. I can do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And. And I. This is my personality. Every personality is different. I would say, go ahead and get it all out now. Ask your questions and. And what you're projecting is. I'm not. There's not a thing I haven't thought about here. There's not a. I'm not still waffling on whether I'm going to stay with her or not. I'm not confused. So I can handle your questions. How are you? That was devastating. And then I chose to stay and rebuild. There's a powerful phrase that I learned from working with attorneys for so many years, and it is this. There's power in the pause. We often, as people like to fill those empty spaces with a bunch of words. A bunch of words. Bunch of words and power in the pause. The person who speaks the least owns the anchoring of a conversation. And so you projecting to your mom, she's allowed to be heartbroken. She's allowed to be really mad that this woman hurt her son. All that's right and good. She gets to do all that stuff. But you can't talk bad about my wife. You can tell dad all the bad stuff you want. You can't tell me that's my wife. And my hope is when you see her, you'll hug her because she's been through hell, too. Get what I'm saying?

[David]

Yes, I do. That's. That's excellent advice. I really, really appreciate it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, you got it, man. And can I just tell you, leading this conversation with I messed up here, automatically the person you're talking to when you lead with, here's where I messed up. People automatically drop their shoulders, right? They. It's an invitation. They lean forward because people are naturally carrying people. And when you say, hey, I screwed something up, people lean in, man, you're an inspiring guy. Pretty impressive. And you did what I would call is the next. Right. Really, really, really hard thing that once you decided to stay in the marriage, that meant, okay, I'm gonna be a dad, and I'm going to raise this child who's fathered by another man. I'm going to raise her like my own, and I'm going to be the best freaking girl dad that's ever existed. That's a level of integrity and character that is rare these days, and it's inspiring. Well done, my brother. Call anytime. Your wife can call anytime. And if your parents want to call, talk to them as well. We come back, a man asks how to support his best friend through his endless marriage problems. Man, we've all been there. Let me tell you about Hallow, the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. You all know this. My life is chaotic. I'm A speaker. I'm a writer, I'm a dad, I'm a husband. I travel all over the country and I do this show. And I listen to the daily gospel on Hallow almost every morning in the car on the way to work. It's how I pause, breathe, and let the word settle in so that I'm anchored into something bigger than me before I let the chaos take over. It's one of those non negotiable starts to my day. It's a reset button for my head and my heart. And often at night, when my brain's still fully on, I'll put on one of Hallow sleep meditations or a nighttime devotional. And it helps me slow things down. And I quit going to war with my own head. Hallow has daily devotionals, thoughtful meditations about prayer and leading a spiritual life all in one place. This stuff helps me pause and reflect instead of just reacting to everything. Bottom line, Halo helps me make space for peace. It helps me anchor in. And we all need anchors in this anchorless world we live in. If you want to anchor your day, check out Hallow right now. When you sign up at hallow.com/deloney, you get three months for free. Go check them out. It's Hallow H A L L O W.com/Deloney for three full months for free. All right, let's roll out Indianapolis, Indiana and talk to Matthew. What's up, Matthew?

[Matthew]

Holy baloney. I'm talking to Dr. John Deloney, dude.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Eminem's on the phone. Look at this, dude. We got a hip hop star. What's up? How we doing, man?

[Matthew]

I'm doing pretty good. I just wanted to say real quick, like every caller I feel like does, your podcast has just been really instrumental in me growing my own marriage and just leveling the connection that I didn't think was possible with my own wife.

[David]

And.

[Matthew]

And I just want to give a huge shout out to your crew too. I do production, so I know this is no easy feat. So Kelly. Kelly and all the people working behind the scenes to make it possible, it's very much appreciated.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, I appreciate that, dude. Yeah. Ben at the board and Nate Dog on the. On the YouTube screens and Alex call screening like Kelly 2.0. They're awesome. Kelly 1.0, she's just along for the ride. It's fine, but. No, I appreciate that, brother. What's up?

[Matthew]

So this one's. This one's got some layers to it. So I'm. I'm very curious where you think I might Be in the wrong, maybe where I might be in the right. So my best friend over the last three and a half years has been talking at least once a week, if not more, depending on the intensity of his marital troubles, about his, you know, spiraling marriage. And there's always been a looming possibility of divorce. They've been. The paperwork has been filed and then pulled back. And then I'm just trying to figure out, how can I continue to support him while maintaining my sanity of hearing the same sort of thing and not feeling like my advice is getting through and. Or more importantly, how do I protect my godson as best as I can from all of this dysfunction that's going around in his house?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's hard, man. I think it. The. The first thing out of the gate is recognizing your friend doesn't want your advice.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your friend wants you to serve as a trash can.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there's something powerful in a friendship where one person has the courage to say, hey, do you want me just to listen? Because you don't want my advice? And then there's a next step that's more powerful, that is, hey, I've heard when they start going. And then she can be like, hey, I've already heard this. I've heard this part. What's your next move?

[Matthew]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's just stopping this stuff. And I'll. I'll tell you this. One of the most important shape shifter moments in my marriage happened about a year into me being married. And I was on the road speaking at this event. I was traveling around with a musician, and we were doing some stuff. And the musician, his name was Eric Peters. He's a singer songwriter here in Nashville. He's been one of my friends for more than two decades, but he. And I'm painting this picture just to show what he did for me and the courage it took. I'm a loud guy, especially when I'm on stage. Just kind of chaotic energy, right? And 20 years ago, I was a train wreck, dude. Like, my goal on stage was I wanted people to walk away and get in their car and go, what just happened? That was my goal. Okay? And so, dang, he is a incredible poet. He's one of those guys that's a real artist, not like me who pretends to be an artist. He's a real. That's how he thinks. He paints. He's just a. Like, he mows lawns thoughtfully. Right. He's just that guy. And I'm about a foot taller than him. I was doing mma. I'm A loud, brash, tattooed up idiot. Right. And I would always have this bit when I was speaking about, oh, my wife's not here, she doesn't travel with me. So I'm going to tell you the story because she's not here. Right. That was always part of my like shtick. Yeah. And then one day he said this, he said, how long you been married? And I said a year. And this is just us like in a van or something. He said, I think there's pretty much two kinds of. Two kinds of guys. Guys that make jokes about their wives and guys that don't. You should be the kind that doesn't. And you got to understand, like I'm a big loud presence. And the. This, he's short guy. This short, small stage statured artist had the courage to say, be the kind of guy that doesn't talk about his wife at the water cooler unless it's something positive. And bro, that changed my life. If you listen to my show, people call and they're like, dude, she. Your wife isn't that perfect. She's not by far. But the stories I'm going to tell about her are when she like, are, are going to be ones that celebrate her. And so I tell you all that to tell you, somebody having the courage, a friend of mine who's now become a two decade friend to say, hey, stop talking about your wife. Like that was so powerful for me. It changed my whole marriage, changed my life trajectory. And so you can be that guy for your friend.

[Matthew]

Yeah. It feels like every conversation we have and it's, I mean the first year you listen, you comfort. The second year you start pushing a little bit, asking for more clarifying questions. I think by the third year I'm just like saying it as directly as possible. But it, I mean again, like you were saying, he doesn't want my advice. Like the more I keep sharing, he will head strong, push right through it. Even if I was looking for exactly what the answer is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, he's looking for a teammate against his wife and a real friend won't do that. Yeah, I'm not gonna, I'm not going to be one of those guys that's like, yeah, they. I'm not, not doing that. Solve the problem.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or asking even a scarier question. Hey, when's the last time you did something nice for her what she did? And I know, I know. When's the last time you got up before she got up and you made her favorite cup of coffee and brought it to her in bed?

[Matthew]

Yeah. I think the acts of service he tries his best to, but they just don't have any form of communication. That's kind of the struggle is. I. I don't know, my. This might be too much information, but I keep telling them, I'm like, dude, you could not have picked two more incompatible people. And of course you're struggling like you've always been struggling, so you need to find peace in all of this struggle. And talking to me about all these deep seated frustrations just feeds it. It's just getting bigger and bigger because you just keep talking about the things that frustrate you and how all these things are unfair to you. And I'm like, dude, there's two sides.

[David]

To both of this.

[Matthew]

And I'm going to try to back you up as much as I can. But I'm also, as a man of integrity, not going to pretend like your wife doesn't have an equal share in the conversation as well. So I have to give her the benefit of doubt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course, there's two sides. Yeah. And I've told the story of my buddy Trevor on this. Like, when I was dating the woman who's now my wife, I was like, can you believe she said this? And he said, this is in college. And he goes, yes, you're an ass. And I was like, what?

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so he's, He's. I was like, me? And he goes, yes. What are you talking. Are you kidding? And that again, that's one of those moments that was like, oh, God, I'm somebody that I didn't even know I was.

[Matthew]

Yeah, I gotta be different.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. But here's the thing. He doesn't want that from you.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so at some point, you have to be a person of integrity and character not to keep saying like, hey, there's two sides. This, Whatever you have to say. I don't want to be a guy that goes home to my wife frustrated and angry.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that means I have to say, hey, I don't want to continually show up and hang out with you and you just dump trash all over me.

[Matthew]

And I think that's kind of the part that sucks the most, though. Dr. John like it. Over these last three and a half years, he's gone from being a person that him and I share a lot of interest and share a lot of common ground. And, you know, we talk about endless different things, and now it feels like literally the only thing we ever talk about is, is this failing marriage.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so change. Change the narrative. Change the narrative.

[Matthew]

Consumed his personality.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Change.

[Matthew]

I think that's something I should approach with him and be like, hey, man, like, you've given up a lot of things that bring you joy just for the sake of fighting for this thing. And you're sacrificing so much for this marriage that has been going in circles for three and a half years.

[David]

You're.

[Matthew]

This is all. This is all consumed you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you can have that conversation, but you hear me say directly, talking is not going to solve this.

[David]

Yeah.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So if you. If that's the path you want to take, great. Invite him to go do the thing.

[David]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, we're going to watch the fights. You're coming? Well, you know, my wife stops. I don't hear that. Are you coming or not? Are you coming or not?

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you got to go watch the fights without him.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, dude, we're all going fishing. We're all going bowling. We're all going knitting. I don't know what you guys do, but, like, I'm gonna go do this thing. I want you to come with me. Will, you know my wife. Are you gonna come or you're not gonna come? You're a grown man. And so it's. If you get in another conversation about you've given up so much of your life, it's just going to be that same loop. He's going to bulldoze right through it. Well, I'm a victim here, and I can't. He's making choices every minute of every day.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The thing you need to metabolize is he's not your best friend. You have a fantasy of this friendship that doesn't exist in reality.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying?

[David]

Yeah.

[Matthew]

I have been feeling it is more a best friendship because of the years that we've been close, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Take friendship out of it.

[David]

Sure, sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's look at business. I had this business that was making a bunch of money one time, and then now, three years later, this business isn't making any money. But I'm continuing to dump money into it. It's not a business anymore. It's just a hobby. You're literally paying to lose to do this thing. Yeah, it's called Sunk Cost Fallacy. I've already put all this time into it. I've already put all this investment into it. I just gotta keep doing, man. It's not what it was.

[Matthew]

Yeah, there's definitely, like, a guilt, too, of like, man, my friend's going through this really hard thing. I'd feel like such an app if I Just bailed on him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but he's already bailed. He doesn't want you. That's the thing. Yeah. He doesn't want your supporter advice.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because I have people, close friends of mine, people I don't know that well, who fly in and stay at my house. And, like, I need. I need you to walk with me as I do this next hard thing.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

As I go to rehab, as I go through this divorce, as I rebuild my marriage from the floor up. Awesome. I'll walk with you all day long.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if you just want to call and just be like, and then. And then. And then this happened to me, and this happened to me, I'm probably not the guy for you. Call a therapist so that you can pay them to do that.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[David]

Right.

[Matthew]

So what do you think my best course of action is? Like, when he tries talking about this stuff? Just be like, hey, that sounds like stuff that we've. I've heard you say before. Like, if anything changes, let me know. Or just have even harder boundaries where we go, hey, man, I'd love to have relationship with you, but, you know, there has to be a huge backing off of the discussion about your marriage.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That may work in your. In your friendship dynamic. You know him better than me.

[David]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If one of my guy friends called me and said, hey, I really want to have a relationship with you, but I don't want to, I would be like, all right, I'm out. Right. Yeah, I, I. It would be better in the real moment. Right. Like, Ben and I went to see a comedy show together the other night. If during the show, right before the show, I was like, man. And then my wife and Ben was like, hey, listen, buddy, I really want to have a relationship with you, but I would be like, all right, I'm done talking to you. That would just be. That's me. But if he said, I don't want to hear that. I don't hear that. I like your wife, or, I don't want to hear that. Like, dude, let's go to the comedy show and let's just have a good time and laugh. That would be him setting up boundaries, providing a shared experience that we need together and not just endlessly looping in conversation that doesn't go anywhere.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or let me put it this way. There's not a thing probably you haven't said yet that's going to go, oh, you're right. I haven't considered that.

[Matthew]

Yeah, that's 100% true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's.

[Matthew]

I feel like I'VE said it's a humbling everything I could possibly say every different way to Sunday.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So a stop having imaginary conversations where you finally say the thing. And he goes, oh, God, you're right. Yeah, that's you trying to prop up yourself.

[David]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Number two, it's humbling. I do this for a living. It's humbling when you tell somebody here, I can see the next right path for you. And they go, yeah, I don't want to walk that. I just want to sit here in the dog doo doo. It's humbling.

[Matthew]

Yeah, right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It bums me out that, that like, I see it and they're like, no, I don't want to do that. I take that personally. Right.

[Matthew]

And so, yeah, it's definitely. It's definitely a self reflection thing. I'm starting to realize now that we're talking because it's a bummer. For so long, I feel like for so long I'm like, well, eventually he'll see that this dysfunction is like way worse off. And you can't find comfort in dysfunction. And that's obviously not the case. He is so flipping comfortable in the dysfunction.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's humbling and sad. It's heartbreaking to realize I extended my hand to a friend who was sitting in a pit to pull him out and he didn't want my hand. He wants to actually stay there. That's heartbreaking. We find the limits of what we can actually do to help. The help takes two people. One person reaching down and the other person to grab your hand and be pulled out. And he doesn't sound like he wants that right now. And so you recognizing I've done what I can. I'm not going to continue to ruin my own body, my own integrity, my own marriage by constantly having imaginary conversations. Every time his name comes up on the phone, I'm going to resent him that he's even calling me. Choose guilt over resentment. Choose the guilt of sitting down next time y' all are out and he starts going being like, hey, hey, hey. I already heard all these stories. I want to have a night where you're. I just don't listen to you talk about your wife again. I've heard all these stories. Just go watch the fights. Let's just go watch the comedy club. Let's just go fishing. Let's go do the thing. Are you kidding me? Yeah, I, I'm. I mean, no, I'm not kidding. I just don't hear about anymore. Like, when you're ready to make the next step. I'll be right here with you, brother. And probably he'll quit calling you and you'll have to deal with that. Sad, but just continuing in the same spin me right round, record right round. You just going around and around and around. I just. It's just you got to slap it up, flip it, reverse it, and just go somewhere else, take another direction with it. But I think the ultimate thing underneath everything is your friendship's not what you are. Fantasizing that it is. And dealing with that should free you to make the next hard call, which is, bro, I'm tired of talking bad about your wife and you not do anything about it. I. It just is what it is. But I'm telling you, I'm a product of men like Eric, men like Trevor, men like Todd, men like John calling out Kevin, Michael calling me out personally and saying, hey, you're not acting as though I hear you say you want to be. And those men have changed my life. And so you can be that kind of catalyst for him. Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm really grateful, man. We come back, a woman asks how she can raise her kids well after losing her husband. Montana Knife Co. Makes the best knives on the planet, Period. End of story. Everybody knows that my son and I are big hunters. And I'm always talking about what an amazing cook my wife is. Between the woods and the kitchen, my family needs knives that actually hold up, that actually handle the rough and tough abuse that we put on them. And listen, I bought the chef's knife set for my wife several years ago. She loved. It's one of the greatest gifts I've ever bought her, and she still uses those knives every day. Day. And I have a number of Montana Knife Co. Knives for my outdoor adventures. Their knives are designed, tested, and built by real hunters and real cooks. When you pick one up, you can instantly feel the quality. They're that amazing. They're proudly made in the usa. They're razor sharp right out of the box, and they are tough enough to last a lifetime. Montana Knife Co. Guarantees that my grandkids are going to fight over these knives someday. If your knife ever needs sharpening, which it will if you use it, just send it back and they will sharpen it and send it back to you for free. Give the outdoorsman and the cook in your life a knife they will love and actually use all of the time. Go to montana knife company.com to see what's available right now. They always sell out, so go check them out as soon as you can. You won't be disappointed. That's Montana knife company Dot com. All right, let's go to Pittsburgh and talk to Maria. What's up, Maria?

[Maria]

Hello.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How are you?

[Maria]

I'm okay. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I am. I'm doing a little bit better than okay. I'm glad that you called. What's up?

[Maria]

So my husband passed away a little over a year ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, gosh. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Just stay there. Stay there with me. What was his name?

[Maria]

Daniel.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Daniel. Good guy.

[Maria]

Very.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old was he?

[Maria]

36.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

36. Good God. What happened?

[Maria]

Motorcycle accident.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, Maria.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Daniel, 36. Y' all have kids?

[Maria]

Wow. Three small children.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, jeez. I'm sorry, maria.

[Maria]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ugh. What's the funniest thing you remember Daniel doing?

[Maria]

There's too many to count.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Too many. What's one that pops into your mind?

[Maria]

He.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A silly thing.

[Maria]

A silly thing. He loved three things. I guess anything that he found, he would bring it home, and he found this big metal. We thought that it was a homemade, like, 1930s cellulite machine. And he brought it home, and for something, it was like £500 and just to have.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Bro. Was he trying to send you a message?

[Maria]

Geez, no, no. He would sit on it and just laugh about it. Like, that was just him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did it work?

[Maria]

No, we don't know. I don't know. They made plans to make it into some kind of roaster, like chicken roaster or something like that. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, my gosh.

[Maria]

Yeah, he was. He was full of everything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I. I tell you what, man. There is one thing I hope for when I pass away. I hope when somebody says, my wife, was he a good guy? She just gets quiet and says, yeah.

[Maria]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, ma', am, how can I sit with you today? What's going on?

[Maria]

So, like I said, I have three small children when. When he passed. 5, 2, and 6 months old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, my gosh.

[Maria]

And you've talked about how big of an importance it is for sons to watch their fathers and to, like, learn how to treat a woman, and for daughters to watch their fathers to learn how they want to be treated by a man. He was all that. So, my. I'm asking what advice you can give to help instill those values when they no longer have that in their lives.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Geez. So it's been over a year, you.

[Maria]

Said A little over a year.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you at a place grounding wise, where you have made the turn that everything is different now?

[Maria]

My. My heart is starting to get to the Point where my mind knows that he's not coming back. But it's still. It's a hard ye. Hard faced factor face.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. You still pick up the phone to text him every once in a while.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And for people listening to this call who've never experienced the absolute world implosion that you've experienced, that question might sound silly, but you know what I mean, that there's a daily reality. You've got three mouths to feed. You've got three kids to get out to school or to daycare. You got bills. You got a light bill that keeps coming. Right? Like you know innately, just robotically, you're on. You're on your own. You got to do all this by yourself. But there's like, you said it perfectly. There's a heart thing. You still pick up the phone to call this guy or you still are like, oh, I gotta tell Dent. Right? And then this, your body just goes whoosh. It's almost like you leave yourself. Right.

[Maria]

Every morning when you wake up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Maria]

The reality kind of hits like it was another day. Like there's no. I don't want to say there's no end, but there's no, like, okay, we got through it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Yeah. And maybe that's the best line I can give you is there's not getting through this. You'll just find yourself expanding over time. And it just takes. I wish there was any other thing other than it just takes time.

[Maria]

Yeah. But now I just. I mean, I can feel, but I just want. I want my kids to grow up, be good people.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, listen to me. They will be. And I'll give you a few things you can do, but I want you to rest assured you're doing the right things. Okay. It's going to be different, but they're going to look back and see how strong their mom was. And you're going to give them a picture of what strength looks like that few kids will ever get.

[Maria]

I hope so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're going to give them a master class in this is what grief looks like and this is what doing the next hard, excruciatingly hard thing looks like. And they're going to get to feel what love feels like through how much you miss their dad. Okay. They're going to experience that in real time. They're going to have a compassion that few people have. And there's some pitfalls and challenges. We can talk through those. But I want to start the conversation with, like, you're a deeply caring, powerful, strong woman and they're going to be good. Okay.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They're gonna have some hard challenges ahead, no question about it. But. And you are too. But the fact that you're asking this question now tells me they're gonna be. They're gonna be. They're gonna be great. Okay.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm not just saying that. I wouldn't just make that. That up. Okay.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So does your 5 year old have pictures in his head?

[Maria]

Yeah. Yeah. He has memories. And I mean, I think like we have a picture, a continuous picture frame with all pictures and videos and they look at it every day and we talk about him and pray about him and all that. But I. And I think he has real memories, but he's now three. The middle one, I think he just goes by the memories, like by the pictures that he sees.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. He'll create stories behind the pictures, and then his stories and the stories he hears from his older brother and from you will feel like memories, but they're not. Right?

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And part of that is heartbreaking. That's a whole other level of grief. Right. And that's, that's part of, that's part of his process. So it. For the next. Let me say this. For the next six months, for the next year, the next two years, for the rest of their childhood, even if. And I'm gonna say something crazy, okay. The feelings wise, but even if you go on to remarry somebody, you constantly letting them know what kind of man your daddy was. Their daddy. Yeah. And you know what your dad used to do for me? He would hold me tight when it was cold. He would always pick up some silly thing. Right. And it's, it's. You're going to teach them those lessons through your lived experience. So they might not have a picture of seeing a man treat his wife with such amazing love like he did treat you, but they're going to have an internalized sense of the stories because they're going to. They're going to feel them from their mom. And is that the same thing? No, it's not, but it's still really powerful.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Y' all are coming up on Christmas. This guy sounds like he was. I say generous. And what I mean by that is I don't know what his giving habits were, but generosity, like he seems like a person who was full of life.

[Matthew]

Very much, was that he gave life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To a room or to a household or to his friends. Does that make sense?

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Maria]

Yeah, he did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what a cool thing this year, if you set a table for him at Thanksgiving set a place for him. And you wrote a letter to him to tell him how amazing his three kids are. And you read that letter in front of your three kids.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your three year old will squirm, won't know what's going on and might think it's boring. Your five year old might kind of remember.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your, your one and a half year old will just be babbling around and probably need a diaper change. Right. Like it's, it's not going to be this big, grand Hallmark moment. Well, I don't even know if you'll feel better, but it will, it will let those kids know they're anchored into the other half of themselves. Was amazing, which means they're amazing too.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right?

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then if he was a generous person, we're going to have, we're going to set up an annual ritual, whether it's at Thanksgiving, whether it's at Christmas, where the four of y' all go give somebody a gift, go do something nice, because this is what your dad would have done. He was such a giving, generous guy.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you look at your three kids and say, that means y' all are generous too.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what's a toy that we want to give to somebody who doesn't have any toys? What is something we want to do for a neighbor? And we're going to just. That that's how they're going to begin over time to make meaning of this loss.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But man, they, they, those three kids, they lost everything when he left, but man, they won the lottery with you.

[Maria]

Thank you. I'm trying my best.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know you are. Are you working?

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have family support?

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not great. Some.

[Maria]

Half and half.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's another really hard truth. Okay. Normally if we were talking, I would say, hey, next week when you come back, we'll. We'll talk about this. But since we're here, I don't want to leave the call without telling you this. Okay. This is a lot to take in. Your kids, are they, what is their gender?

[Maria]

Two boys. So the oldest one now is just turned seven.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Maria]

A three year old boy and then a little. My little girl is 18 months old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Are you plugged into a church community?

[Maria]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Your new responsibility is to get other men into their lives.

[Maria]

Yeah. Well, I mean, we have like, my friends have really, really showed up for me in his friends, some of his friends.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I want you to formalize it. And that's going to feel like another loss all over again. But they do have to have Other pictures of men in their lives. And you want it. I want it. They need it to have been their dad, and that's not an option anymore. And so they have to have images. They've got to have real lived experiences with other good men. And so what I would tell you is it would be one of my highest honors if one of my friends passed away and his wife called me. I would probably take it on myself. But I do this for a living.

[David]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not everybody wants to intrude. They don't know what to do next. To say once a month, would you take my oldest to breakfast? He needs. He needs some men in his life. And Daniel trusted you, so I trust you.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And that becomes your new mission, is, I've got to get some good men in their lives. Because the phone. You know what I'm talking about here? The harrowing silence after the phone stops ringing, right?

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because you had tons of guys reaching out, wanting to help, mowing your lawn, doing that kind of stuff when it first happened. And here you are a year plus later and that phone quits ringing so much. Right?

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or you get the random text like, hey, do you need anything? Well, what. You know, what am I supposed to do with that? Right.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so there is a proactive nature to this, and there's going to be. It's going to be a hodgepodge of emotion where you're so grateful that Daniel, one of his best friends who lives a couple streets over, comes over and picks your kid up and takes him to breakfast and then drops him off at school for you. And it's going to feel like a nightmare because that should be Daniel.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. All those feelings are right. Gratitude, grief, sadness, heartbreak, joy. All that is mushed together.

[Maria]

Yeah. I appreciate. I appreciate your time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Will you call me anytime you need anything?

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is there anything that you need?

[Maria]

No, but thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you need financial resources, if you need psychological resources, if you need anything, you holler back at us and we'll walk alongside you. Okay. Just as a. As a. As a gang, as the OG17 gang listening to this. We're all with you. We're all heartbroken. And for everybody who's currently married to somebody as awesome as Daniel, this Thanksgiving, I want you to write that husband of yours a letter, and I want you to read it to him in front of your kids. We don't celebrate each other well in this culture. We just get real busy and we go do the next right thing. And we co. Manage our households and we co. Manage our kids and our kids need to see us celebrate each other. And so if you have an amazing husband like Daniel, a guy who's just a lot brings home 500 pound broken down cellulite machines, right with he's going to turn into a turkey roaster and he's out riding his motorcycle and he's just a life of every it's easy to look and be like, oh God, he brought junk home again. Or it's also just as easy to go, this guy's awesome. He's crazy. I love him, but we need to celebrate each other. So this Thanksgiving, write your spouse a letter and celebrate them in front of other people. Let them know that you see them, that you know them and that you're so grateful. Thank you for the call, sister. Super honored that you called. Call anytime. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. As we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of all the stuff you're carrying, all the things you think you have to do or should do, along with all the past hurts and pains, past guilt, past shame. Listen, when the world feels heavy, it's important to first look in the mirror and consider setting down all of that old weight and not carry it into 2026. 2026 is going to have enough chaos of its own without you bringing all of the past into it. Therapy can help you identify that heavy stuff, that old guilt, that old shame, and move forward with clarity so you can focus on being light heading into the new year. If you're thinking about therapy, check out my friends at Better Help. They have over 30,000 therapists and they're one of the leading online therapy providers on the planet. They're trusted by millions of people around the world with an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. It's online so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost. You can't feel lighter without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Go to betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. HP.com DeLoney all right, we're back. So this episode comes out a couple of months after Thanksgiving and or maybe a month and a half after Thanksgiving, after Christmas. And I realized the caller I just told hey, write a letter. I told you guys, as the audience, like, write a letter during Thanksgiving. What's past that? It's not too late. And I want you to do that this week. Like gratitude. Celebrating your ride or die person is something we, as all of us have to be better at. I've been going through reams of marriage data, and one of the biggest challenges is we don't stop and celebrate each other. We just notice the towels, or we just notice five minutes late, or we just notice the I wish our sex life was better all the state. We just noticed, notice, notice, negative, negative, negative. And some of that can be transformed through just changing the lens we look at, which is looking for things we're grateful for. And so, yes, we're past Thanksgiving. If you're listening to this, you're like, I wish I'd done that. Thanksgiving. I got it. I'm recording this the week of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is actually two days from now, but I want you to begin making this a regular practice to celebrate, to say thank you, to say, I see you, man. That's awesome. I'm grateful for you. And doing it in front of your kids is next level. Next level. Something cool happened. Kelly 2.0, 3.0. What is it? Yes.

[Kelly]

So Kelsey writes to us from Chicago. She said, John is always talking about how kids are so quick to cut off their parents. I've not had a great relationship with my father since I was born. We've gone extended periods of time where we didn't talk. I finally had the opportunity to let my dad know how I felt and put some boundaries in place. They weren't initially taken well, but after a few days, we talked again and forgave each other on various things. Since then, he's been very honest with me. We talk more and more, and I'm so glad I have my dad in my life. I'm really thankful for you, John, to have you. In the back of my mind when I wanted to give up on my relationship with my father. Thank you to you and the team. I feel like I have a piece of myself back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's awesome, dude. Yeah. In this new year, especially if you're like, man, Christmas was just the same again, or we got into big. Another complaining argument over Thanksgiving or whatever. Make the call. Sometimes, especially when relationships are abusive or whatever, like, I need to not contact you anymore. Most of the time, it's about having some hard conversations around boundaries that helps reestablish the relationship. It provides people with guardrails so that we are free to love inside these guardrails and often, that's what people need. We live in a culture that has told us what we all want is no boundaries, no restrictions. And that's just not true. People are desperate for boundaries. And you setting boundaries and then communicating them clearly to someone as important as your mom, as your dad can be one of the greatest gifts. They might walk away, but they might not. It's awesome. What was her name again? Kelsey.

[Kelly]

Kelsey.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good on you, Kelsey. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. That's how you change your family tree right there. Love you guys. Happy New Year. Bye.