The Dr. John Delony Show – Episode Summary
Podcast: The Dr. John Delony Show
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)
Episode: How Do We Close Our Open Marriage?
Date: December 15, 2025
Overview
In this emotionally charged, caller-driven episode, Dr. John Delony answers questions around marriage, faith, family legacy, and processing trauma. The main feature is a thought-provoking discussion with a Christian woman struggling to close an open marriage, followed by other impactful calls touching on generational secrets and secondary trauma from working as a death investigator. True to his candid and empathetic style, Dr. Delony confronts hard truths, encourages honest introspection, and emphasizes taking ownership of one’s choices.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Navigating & Closing an Open Marriage (00:05–19:12)
Topic: Caller Catherine, a born-again Christian, calls in conflicted about a decade-long open/swinging marriage she never fully embraced.
- Background: Married 20 years, 4 kids, happy on the surface but for 10 years engaged in consensual non-monogamy (CNM)/swinging at her husband’s suggestion.
- Faith Conflict: Both raised conservative and met at Bible college. Catherine increasingly feels their arrangement is not spiritually or personally right.
- Initiation and Persuasion: Her husband introduced the idea after deconstructing previous legalistic beliefs; he pursued swinging for exploration and convinced Catherine after many conversations.
- [Quote, Catherine, 04:13]: “He basically, over several months, kind of convinced me that maybe this was a good idea… I realized two things. I think he was going to do something anyway and maybe, maybe he needed…to have some experiences outside of me…he didn’t want to do it without my knowledge or consent.”
- Reluctance and Regret: Catherine joined in but always felt a “nagging feeling” of wrongness and emptiness post-encounters.
- [Quote, Catherine, 07:17]: “I do have a lot of fun in the moment, but then I feel empty, like, trying to survive off Twinkies.”
- Communication Improvement: Despite doubts, she notes improved dialogue with her husband due to increased honesty about desires and experiences.
- Current Stand: She is ready to stop, feeling convicted by scripture, but fears her husband may not follow and worries standing firm will “end everything.”
Dr. Delony’s Perspective & Advice
- Gaslighting and Maturity: John expresses concern over the husband's persuasive tactics, calling it bright “gaslighting”—using intellect and faith interpretation to rationalize selfish desires and downplay Catherine’s instincts.
- [Quote, Dr. DeLoney, 08:26]: “The gaslights are burning so brightly in your home, it's blinding.”
- Parallel Issues: Similar patterns appear in other decisions (e.g., church-hopping, parenting), where her feelings are overridden by his preferences.
- Call for Ownership: John encourages Catherine to finally prioritize her convictions and personal agency.
- [Quote, Dr. DeLoney, 15:35]: “What you have to do for the first time in your marriage is say, I am finished. And here's what I am finished means: I'm not sleeping with anybody else. The marriage we had is over. I want to build a new one where fidelity and integrity mean something...”
- Warning: Asserting her stance may risk the marriage, but not asserting it keeps her in a dissolved, unsatisfying relationship.
- [Quote, Dr. DeLoney, 18:52]: “If that's the case, I want to tell you that the marriage you think you're holding on to is already over. It's over. You're just getting dragged behind it.”
- Affirmation: John praises Catherine’s honesty and courage to break the pattern.
- [Quote, Dr. DeLoney, 19:12]: “I'm proud of you. Proud of you for standing tall as an adult. And I'm proud of you for saying, I want things to be different… The marriage you had is over... I hope you will rebuild a marriage with me and stand in the hurricane of whatever the response is going to be... But you're worth that.”
2. Addressing a Family Legacy of Infidelity with Teenage Daughter (22:54–38:35)
Topic: Caller Elizabeth seeks guidance on telling her perceptive 15-year-old daughter about her grandmother’s past affair (involving the family’s pastor), after the daughter overhears a family conversation.
- Initial Hesitation: Elizabeth and her husband delay responding, unsure what to reveal, fearing impact on family relationships.
- John’s 30,000-Foot View (24:31):
- Immediate, honest communication is crucial for trust—waiting sends the message some things are “off limits.”
- Both parents should respond, modeling openness, admitting missteps, and conveying that no subject is too big for family discussion.
- [Quote, Dr. DeLoney, 25:26]: “Every minute y' all don't respond back to this 15 year old, she's getting the message that some things are not okay to ask mom and dad.”
- How to Handle the Disclosure:
- Present only facts, without character assassination.
- Normalize that people make mistakes—emphasize growth, context, and resilience.
- Contextualize church dynamics: women bear more shame than men in scandal.
- Share personal lessons and family history for teaching moments (Elizabeth was herself 19 during the scandal).
- [Quote, Dr. DeLoney, 27:56]: “It's time you learn...That's the fabric of our family.”
- [Quote, Dr. DeLoney, 34:33]: “The consequences of the mess up—one person carries disproportionately; often in faith communities, the woman carries it more than the man does.”
- Empowerment & Healing:
- John suggests a personal exercise: write a letter to your 19-year-old self to process the wounds, and, if brave enough, share it with the daughter.
- [Quote, Dr. DeLoney, 37:28]: “If you want to be a gangster...write 19-year-old you a letter about what that poor girl experienced.”
3. Secondary Trauma in Death Investigation & Coping with Nightmares (41:40–60:19)
Topic: Sarah, a death investigator, is struggling with vivid, ongoing death-related nightmares and increasing anxiety, despite loving her job.
- On-the-Job Trauma: Daily exposure to graphic, tragic scenes; Sarah feels fine in the moment but is haunted by what she experiences.
- [Quote, Sarah, 46:22]: “It doesn't bother me in the moment...I think that makes me good at my job...But…when I come home, my brain holds on to the things I see and then I dream about them at night."
- John’s Validation: Affirms need for gallows humor and clinical detachment on-scene; acknowledges the cost to one’s spirit, the “body keeps the score.”
- Coping Strategies (52:56):
- After each case, handwrite a letter to the deceased (“Dear Susan/Tommy…”), processing emotions physically.
- Develop a physical routine (walking, yoga) with intentional sensory grounding after shifts.
- Use skin-to-skin contact and brief, structured emotional disclosures with spouse for reconnection.
- Use nightmares as signals; upon waking, journal an alternate, positive ending to reassert control and decrease their intensity.
- [Quote, Dr. DeLoney, 57:59]: “Your body is keeping track of all of this, whether you consciously are or not. And I want to say, thank God that your body loves you enough to try to keep you safe too.”
- Long-Term Warning: Without intentional self-care and relationship maintenance, burnout and compassion fatigue are inevitable.
- Encouragement: John calls Sarah a "modern day Saint", emphasizing the need for dedicated, compassionate professionals in such vital roles.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- Gaslighting in Relationships
- Dr. DeLoney [08:26]: “The gaslights are burning so brightly in your home, it's blinding.”
- On Fun vs. Fulfillment in Open Marriage
- Catherine [07:17]: “I do have a lot of fun in the moment, but then I feel empty, like, trying to survive off Twinkies.”
- On Standing Up for Yourself
- Dr. DeLoney [15:35]: “What you have to do...is say, I am finished... The marriage we had is over. I want to build a new one where fidelity and integrity mean something.”
- On Shifting Generational Taboos
- Dr. DeLoney [27:56]: “It's time you learn. Grandma...That’s the fabric of our family.”
- On Burnout in Traumatic Professions
- Dr. DeLoney [53:48]: “You have to have a yoga practice, a walking practice, an exercise practice of some sort... You are bringing your body back from what it's starting to spin out and plan for your future death.”
- On Healing Family Wounds
- Dr. DeLoney [37:28]: “If you want to be a gangster... write 19-year-old you a letter...and if you want to be a real gangster, read it to your daughter. Here's a letter I wrote to myself.”
Timestamps for Key Segments
- [00:05–19:12] Catherine’s open marriage struggle, religious and emotional conflict, John’s coaching
- [22:54–38:35] Elizabeth’s dilemma on revealing family affair to daughter; advice on intergenerational honesty
- [41:40–60:19] Sarah the death investigator’s trauma, John’s deep dive on processing nightmares and secondary trauma
Tone & Style
- Warm, direct, and at times gently confrontational.
- Deeply empathetic, leaning both on clinical expertise and personal stories.
- Mixes humor, affirmation, and hard truths to empower callers to action.
For Listeners
This episode is invaluable for anyone navigating complex marital decisions, generational wounds, or the emotional cost of frontline work. Dr. Delony’s steadfast encouragement to do the hard, right thing—and his pragmatic, often poetic advice—offer roadmap for healing and restoration, both personally and relationally.