I Blame My Parents for My Porn Problem

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John DeLoney Show – Episode: "I Blame My Parents for My Porn Problem"

Release Date: June 20, 2025

The latest episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, hosted by Ramsey Network, delves deep into personal struggles related to relationships and mental health. In this episode titled "I Blame My Parents for My Porn Problem," Dr. DeLoney addresses two heartfelt caller segments: Amy from St. Louis and Andy from Chicago, offering profound insights and actionable advice.

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Amy's Journey: Resentment Towards Parents Over Porn Addiction

Caller Introduction: Amy, a 31-year-old from St. Louis, reaches out to discuss her long-standing resentment towards her parents stemming from their inaction when she disclosed her porn addiction at age 16.

Key Discussion Points:

1. Early Exposure and Addiction:

   • Amy shares, “[00:21] I think that I was introduced to pornography pretty early on... it just turned into a full-blown addiction.”
   • Dr. DeLoney explores how early exposure to pornography can serve as a coping mechanism for deeper emotional needs. He states, “[04:53] Pornography was a way to feel some sort of aliveness...”

2. Parental Inaction and Cultural Barriers:

   • Amy explains her parents’ reluctance to seek counseling, influenced by cultural stigmas: “[03:50] It kind of felt like image was more important than me getting help.”
   • Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the challenges first-generation immigrant parents face in addressing such issues, highlighting the intersection of cultural shame and miscommunication.

3. Seeking Validation and Personal Growth:

   • The conversation shifts to Amy’s quest for validation from her parents, which Dr. DeLoney identifies as a root cause of her ongoing struggles: “[08:29] Why are you still going back to them for validation?”
   • He encourages Amy to shift her focus inward, fostering self-love and acceptance instead of seeking external approval.

Notable Quotes:

• Amy: “[02:46] I feel like I mourned how much time I lost due to dealing with depression and shame.”
• Dr. DeLoney: “[12:14] The pornography is a symptom. That sense of unworthiness is.”

Insights and Conclusions: Dr. DeLoney advises Amy to embrace her journey of self-healing, emphasizing that true healing comes from within. He urges her to build a supportive community and to prioritize her own well-being over seeking validation from her parents. The key takeaway is the importance of self-compassion and the proactive steps Amy has already taken by seeking counseling in her 20s.

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Andy’s Struggle: Relationship Strain Amid Parenting and Work Stress

Caller Introduction: Andy, a father from Chicago, discusses the strain his relationship with his wife has endured due to the challenges of parenting a two-and-a-half-year-old and his wife’s demanding healthcare job.

Key Discussion Points:

1. Impact of Parenthood on Relationships:

   • Andy expresses feelings of drifting apart from his wife, stating, “[20:53] Intimacy has been a challenge that we've been working through.”
   • Dr. DeLoney acknowledges the commonality of such struggles, especially in the early years of parenting, and the difficulty in maintaining a strong marital bond amidst new responsibilities.

2. Balancing Work and Home Life:

   • Andy shares the fatigue his wife experiences from her erratic work schedule: “[21:08] She can be gone 24 to 48 hours a pop.”
   • Dr. DeLoney highlights the importance of intentional time together, suggesting that couples need to actively create opportunities to reconnect and rebuild their relationship.

3. Open Communication and Co-Creation:

   • Dr. DeLoney encourages Andy to engage in open, honest conversations with his wife about their current challenges and future aspirations: “[31:28] Sit down and write out a series of notes... co-create something awesome in this new world.”
   • The emphasis is on collaborative problem-solving and redefining their relationship dynamics in the context of their evolving family life.

Notable Quotes:

• Andy: “[24:49] I don't know anyone in a similar situation as me.”
• Dr. DeLoney: “[26:43] You have to have space to say that out loud.”

Insights and Conclusions: Dr. DeLoney advises Andy to prioritize heartfelt conversations during their scheduled date time, focusing on mutual support and understanding. He underscores the necessity of setting aside dedicated time to discuss their relationship openly, thereby fostering a renewed sense of partnership and shared goals.

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Anna's Concern: Navigating Atheism and Stepdaughter’s Christian Beliefs

Caller Introduction: Anna from Phoenix seeks guidance on addressing her 13-year-old stepdaughter’s concerns about Anna’s atheist beliefs in light of the stepdaughter’s recent baptism and upcoming family marriage.

Key Discussion Points:

1. Understanding the Stepdaughter’s Perspective:

   • Anna explains, “[36:17] My 13-year-old... has concerns about my atheist beliefs versus her Christian beliefs.”
   • Dr. DeLoney recognizes the sensitive nature of blending different belief systems within a family and the importance of addressing the child’s fears respectfully.

2. Fostering Open Dialogue:

   • Dr. DeLoney advises Anna to engage in conversations that validate the stepdaughter’s feelings while sharing her own beliefs: “[40:47] I think she's gotten a little of that from whatever group she's associated with.”
   • He emphasizes building common ground through shared values like kindness and community service, regardless of religious differences.

3. Modeling Respect and Support:

   • Anna is encouraged to demonstrate unconditional love and support, ensuring her stepdaughter feels secure and respected in her beliefs: “[44:53] Thank you for caring about me.”
   • Dr. DeLoney suggests that Anna’s actions, such as aligning on mutual values and supporting her stepdaughter’s spiritual journey, will foster a harmonious and respectful family environment.

Notable Quotes:

• Anna: “[36:30] I want to quell these concerns that she has.”
• Dr. DeLoney: “[41:18] And I think the bigger, deeper concern...”

Insights and Conclusions: Dr. DeLoney advises Anna to approach the situation with empathy and openness, encouraging her to listen actively and support her stepdaughter’s exploration of faith without imposing her own beliefs. The goal is to create an environment where both beliefs are respected, and the stepdaughter feels valued and understood.

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Final Thoughts and Recommendations

Throughout the episode, Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the significance of self-awareness, open communication, and the courage to address deep-seated emotional issues. Whether dealing with personal addictions, relationship strains, or navigating complex family dynamics, the consistent theme is the importance of addressing issues head-on with empathy and a proactive mindset.

Key Takeaways:

• Self-Compassion: Healing begins with accepting oneself and moving beyond the need for external validation.
• Intentional Communication: Proactively setting aside time to discuss and resolve relationship challenges is crucial.
• Respecting Beliefs: In blended families, fostering mutual respect and understanding of differing beliefs strengthens familial bonds.

Notable Final Quote: Dr. DeLoney encapsulates the episode's essence by urging listeners to "choose what comes next" and to focus on building a fulfilling future rather than dwelling on past grievances.

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This episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show offers profound insights into overcoming personal and relational challenges by fostering self-love, open dialogue, and mutual respect. Whether you're grappling with past pains, relationship stress, or family belief dynamics, Dr. DeLoney provides compassionate guidance to help you navigate your journey towards healing and stronger connections.

Transcript

[Amy]

How do I deal with my resentment towards my parents due to their inaction when I told them I had a porn addiction at 16?

[John DeLoney]

How old are you now?

[Amy]

I'm 31.

[John DeLoney]

You've been hanging on to this one for a long, long time, huh? What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. DeLoney show taking your calls on just about everything going on in your life. Your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on. My promise is I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. John deloney.com/a S K if you want to be on this show. And yes, I get direct messages and emails and calls from all over the planet. We will have you on. We'll figure out a way to get you on. John deloney.com ask. All right, let's go to St. Louis, Missouri and talk to Amy. What's up Amy?

[Amy]

Hi Dr. John. How are you?

[John DeLoney]

Good, I'm good. What's up in your world?

[Amy]

Nothing much. I'll just get to my question. What's up? So how do I deal with my resentment towards my parents when I be due to their inaction, when I told them I had a porn addiction at 16 and do I tell them about it, that I resent them?

[John DeLoney]

How old are you now?

[Amy]

I'm 31.

[John DeLoney]

You've been hanging on to this one for a long, long time, huh?

[Amy]

I have.

[John DeLoney]

How come?

[Amy]

I think that I was introduced to pornography pretty early on and.

[John DeLoney]

By who?

[Amy]

A friend. We were both eight years old and she saw it on her parents computer and it just turned into a full blown addiction. Up until even all the way through my mid-20s, late 20s, I feel like I dealt with a lot of shame and depression from it and I feel like that took a lot of years from my life, nearly, nearly all of my 20s. And now that I'm like starting to get my life back on track, I feel like I mourned how much time I lost due to dealing with depression and shame and all of that that came from having a porn addiction.

[John DeLoney]

And how do you, how have you reconciled blaming your parents for this?

[Amy]

So at 16 years old I told them that I was dealing with a porn addiction. And so at 16 I told them and then they just were kind of like, yeah, you gotta stop. And didn't really do much with that information. And so fast forward a few years later, my sister had told me that at the time she's five years older than me, so she was like 21. She told my mom, she was like, hey, I think you actually should put Nika in counseling and kind of figure out why she's having this porn addiction. And my mom said, well, who am I going to go to that won't tell our business? And so it kind of felt like image was more important than me getting help.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, so let's say that's true. Let's say you came to your parents at 16 and you laid it out for them. This is about 2010, 2009. Is that right?

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. And you said, I need some help. And they said, well, we got. You just quit doing that.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And now that you're 30, do you have your own kids?

[Amy]

No, not yet.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. So you're looking back and saying, man, I wish I had done that differently.

[Amy]

Yeah, I. I think if I had handled the problem earlier, I just think that my life would be a little bit different. I don't know why I feel that.

[John DeLoney]

Way, but it probably would have been. And also, there was the, let's say, 18 or let's say 21. There was a decade of agency there that you had as an adult, right?

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. And my guess is that pornography was a way to feel some sort of aliveness in your skin inside of a house that didn't allow you to breathe. This wasn't the only thing your parents edged you out of.

[Amy]

Right, right, right.

[John DeLoney]

So pornography is a symptom. Actually, pornography was a solution to a teenager, to a child desperate for connection, desperate for life, and. And breath in their own lungs inside their own house.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

So if we're gonna blame, let's blame all the way. And the bigger question is this. Paint me a picture of your fantasy of how this conversation would go of.

[Amy]

Me telling them how I feel. It is.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. Tell me how, like, this whole thing will play out from start to finish. You're sitting where?

[Amy]

Probably in their living room.

[John DeLoney]

All right, so they're in the living room. They're in their. They're in their recliners that they always sit in, and you walk in and say, what.

[Amy]

If I can talk to you for a minute, I just have something to get off my chest. I felt really let down that at 16, when I came to you guys, that I had a porn addiction, that it was not really handled and just swept under the rug. And how that has affected me through the years. And I guess for some context, I am first generation American. My parents are Nigerian. And unfortunately, I think that sometimes there is a shame based culture, but there's also a real big hesitancy for elders to kind of acknowledge sometimes when they've wronged their children.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, but this is going to be your big moment against years of culture, first gen parents dealing with something that many people didn't even acknowledge in the scientific literature until just maybe a decade ago, which is women can get addicted to visual pornography too.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And so, but like you're gonna have this one conversation, this moment, this 31. So you tell your parents, let's. Let's play out two scenarios. Okay? Close your eyes and imagine you're there in the living room. You're letting them have it. I came to you when I was 16. I told you I had this problem with pornography. Dad, you told me, just stop. Yeah, and you didn't come rescue me. 16 years old, I needed you. Now here's scenario one. Mom and dad stand up and they say, you are right. We wronged you. We're so sorry. We messed this up and we blew it. And we love you and we're glad you're still here. And they give you a hug. What does that change about you right now, Amy, in the seat you're sitting in right now, talking to me on the phone? What does that get you?

[Amy]

I think just validation. But they dropped the ball, so.

[John DeLoney]

So let me ask you, why are you still going back to them for validation? You've been seeking that validation since you were a little bitty girl. You're still outsourcing your well being to people who have demonstrated over and over for a number of different reasons. We can't give it to you.

[Amy]

Unless you're perfect. Do what I said, they'll give you validation if you're perfect.

[John DeLoney]

There's no such thing as that. Yeah, there's no such thing as that.

[Amy]

Yeah, that. I. I guess I'm just saying that that's like, that's just the house I grew up in. It was just very critical.

[John DeLoney]

And it's easy to think that's because you're first gen is because you have immigrant parents, because there's cultural. It's just, I mean, more, more people than not call the show. And they grew up in very critical homes. Parents unequipped for the world that their kids inhabited.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And so I guess my question for you again at a 31 year old, and let's play out scenario number two. You go in and you let them have it. And they say, hey, we barely even spoke the language. We were doing the best we could with what was going on. We didn't even know what you're talking about when you said porn Addiction. We didn't even know girls could do that 15 years ago. We didn't even have support resources. What are we supposed to do? Get out, you ungrateful kid. So picture that response. Does that still make you feel better? Does that give you permission to finally be enraged with them like you want to be?

[Amy]

I mean.

[John DeLoney]

I guess not in either of those scenarios. Here's where you still find yourself. And this is a wild situ. It's a wild thing. Okay. You still find yourself anchored to them.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

You still need. You still are looking for validation that, yes, they blew it, and they finally call it out and acknowledge it. Or you're asking for them to respond negatively so you finally have permission to just be enraged and hate them. Both of those scenarios still require them to do something to make you feel okay about being in your own skin.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And that feeling of not being okay in your own skin is what pornography lets you escape from for your whole life.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Do you get what I'm saying?

[Amy]

Yeah, I do.

[John DeLoney]

So my big question is, when is the moment going to come when Amy can look in the mirror and exhale and drop her shoulders and say, I love this woman?

[Amy]

I don't know. I just. I feel. I mean, I'm very critical of myself, too.

[John DeLoney]

Sure. That's Their words became your words.

[Amy]

Yeah. So anything that I did wrong in life, I just pretty much held it against myself or still do. And it's like this. I can place the blame on somebody else, you know, And I don't. I don't know. It's like I'm looking for somebody to blame and.

[John DeLoney]

And what? All that's doing is robbing you of living your full life. Right now. It's easier to say, I'm not married. I don't have kids, I'm not in grad school. Whatever. The things you want to do, because they fill in the blank.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

It's harder to say. These things happened to me, and they were real and awful and scary and bad and. And I get to choose what happens next.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

So here. Here's what I'll tell you. The absolution you are hoping for will not be found in a singular conversation.

[Amy]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

I've never met somebody who had their last I told you so conversation, and they felt great leaving. It doesn't mean they don't exist, especially for people who they. That probably can't hear it. I've only, in fact, heard them say it made me feel worse when I finally I. I let them have it, that they walk away feeling a little bit Smaller than they did. I'm sure there will be people who comment on the YouTube section here that says, no. No, actually, I told somebody off and it felt great and powerful. Whatever. I just. I haven't met those people.

[Amy]

Well, I didn't plan on telling them off or being rude. I just. I don't know, I guess I just wanted to tell them how it made me feel and. But not be rude or disrespectful or anything like that.

[John DeLoney]

How did you end up kicking the habit?

[Amy]

When I got in my 20s, I went to counseling myself.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, so you begin to parent the child that needed parenting all along.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Why don't you trust that young woman?

[Amy]

I mean, I've just kind of done a lot of things wrong. I sometimes don't trust my own judgment.

[John DeLoney]

What did you do wrong?

[Amy]

Oh, I mean, it's taken such a long time. I'm finally getting into medical school. I'm.

[John DeLoney]

Congratulations.

[Amy]

Thank you. I. You know, I barely. Like. I. I don't know. I just had a lot of.

[John DeLoney]

No, no, answer the question. What did you do wrong? Looked at pornography as a kid.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, hold on. You're a kid. You're a eight through 18, 10 years. You're trying to figure out up from down. You gotta let your. You gotta let your child, like, off the hook here.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

You were introduced to a drug at 8 years old that was far more powerful than you. You can't be 31, holding yourself accountable for stuff you looked at when you were 14 years old.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying? And when you finally took control of your life in your 20s as an adult, I should. That's a act of bravery and courage. It was hard.

[Amy]

Yeah. I just. I think that I dealt with a lot of sense of unworthiness, but that's.

[John DeLoney]

Not from the pornography. The pornography is a symptom. That sense of unworthiness is time and time again. You went to your parents and said, I need, I want. And they said, yeah, we're not. We're not doing that. Fair. Okay. You won't find that sense of worthiness by going back to that same dry well. You will find it in a group of friends and community and whatever else, like faith, community, whatever else you're anchored to now, moving forward in a sense of ownership and purpose for what comes next in your life. I guess my recommendation for you is to. With what you can look forward for, who you can become and who you're becoming and not. I need to go back and have all these old conversations. Unless you're making amends. I'm really grateful for the call, Amy. See what happens about exhaling and saying, I love this woman, who I've become and who I'm becoming. I'm gonna spend my energy having conversations with her about where we're going, not finding old people from the past to say, here's what y' all did next. We talked to a man who is hoping to reconnect with his distant wife. I grew up playing sports and I grew up in weight rooms. And I realized a few years ago that I took for granted how uncomfortable it can feel walking into a gym or a weight room or classes for the first time. And now that I'm getting older, when I find myself in a traditional gym, even I find myself sizing up some beefcake muscle head. Here's the truth. We all need to lift weights. Men, women, young and old. Everyone needs to lift heavy things. And knowing what to do, when to do it, and even how to do it can be super intimidating. So whether you've been lifting and working out for decades or you're ready to get started for the first time, I want you to check out my friends at trainwell. I've used their workouts. My wife and friends use them. My older sister is now crushing it on TrainWell and it's a movement. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step by step guidance from real people, meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. To start, you just take a short quiz and then you get matched with the real life coach, someone who actually listens to you and together works with you to build a plan that works for your body, your season of life, and your goals. Trenwell has step by step videos that they give you guidance and a trainer will check in with you after your workouts. Now is the time to take control of your body once and for all. Check out my friends at TrainWell and TrainWell has a special offer for my audience. Just 89amonth when you lock in your plan plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.netdoloni right now that's T R A I N trainwell.netdeloney go check them out. Hey, it's Deloney for Organifi I talk to people every day who are stressed to the max. They're anxious, not sleeping well, disconnected, and just grumpy. Most people are trying to fix all of their discomfort with comfort food or caffeine or scented candles. Can we all just agree what we're trying probably isn't working. This is where Organifi comes in. Organifi's superfood products are are made to help you feel better with more energy, less stress and better sleep by giving you what your body needs without all the artificial nonsense. Case in point, I love my happy drops. They're little gummies made with all natural ingredients that have positive effects on mood and emotional well being. Stuff like saffron, which helps your brain use your natural serotonin, one of your happy chemicals and, and lift your mood. In fact, there are clinical studies showing that people who take saffron have improved social relationships and other studies that show saffron can literally help lift your mood. Organifi also makes green juice and red juice blends that you can mix with water. And then when you're ready to rock and roll, you just drink them and you're ready to go. Listen, I can talk about ingredients and clinical studies and all that, but here's the best endorsement I can give. I use organifi every single day. My son takes organifi every single day. I travel with it, I take it at home. And you should give Organifi a try to go to Organifi.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 20%. That's 20% off site wide with code [e-mail] DeLoney Chicago, IL let's talk to Andy. What's up Andy?

[Andy]

I'm doing well, John. How are you?

[John DeLoney]

I'm doing all right, brother. What's going on in your world?

[Andy]

You know, a lot. We've, my wife and I have a two year old, two and a half year old son rather and you know, I don't think either of us understood how difficult parenting was going to be and we've drifted apart these last couple of years due to, you know, a number of factors but, but mainly parenting and work and you know, not for lack of trying on my end, but I've been really struggling to reconnect with her because she's just burned out, she's exhausted, she's over touched, she's overstimulated all the time and like kind of the last thing she wants to do is hang out with me, which sucks.

[John DeLoney]

Just hang out with you. Like go do fun stuff together or hang out with you sleep together.

[Andy]

Both. Right? Yeah. Intimacy has been a challenge that we've been working through and things have been, you know, getting better very slowly. But her work schedule has been so hectic. She works in healthcare and she can be Gone for long periods of time.

[John DeLoney]

Travel nurse?

[Andy]

No, but she might as well be. She has call shifts.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Andy]

So she can be gone 24 to 48 hours a pop.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. So a common thing that happens. What do you do for a living? Real quick, before I jump in there.

[Andy]

I work in accounting.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. A very common thing that happens one to two, two and a half years in, is the recognition that, oh, we just kept going with our lives and we added a baby. Like, obviously, the smoke clears. There's maternity leave or not, there's paternity leave or not. There's this. We did the money, we did. But then we're back to our jobs, we're back to our, our lives, if you will. Except there's this big gaping hole relationally and we've got this human that's still here. And this is one of those magic moments where a couple gets away for half a day and if you want to be like, truly send a signal that you're in, you find somebody to do childcare and we sit down and we say, okay, we get to have the life that we choose. And we put every single thing on the table. Employment hours, worked job certifications. Where do we want to live? What do we want to do? We get to pick. We get to choose right now in this teeny tiny sliver of history, who knows how long it will last? But we get to choose whatever comes next our way. We get to pick.

[Andy]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

And all it's essentially saying, we have a brand new marriage now, we have a brand new life now. And most people don't take the time to do this until three or four years from now, if that long. Somebody is going to come in, in your office and they're going to think your jokes are hilarious. And she's going to say, hey, can we go grab coffee? I have to ask you about something. And you're going to go and now you're going to find yourself in a mess or your wife will think some doctors hilarious and gets her. And because we've had just this. We've had a. Just we was doing survival at home and we start to remember that we want to live again. You get what I'm saying?

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah. I think my desire for that is much stronger than hers is.

[John DeLoney]

Maybe, maybe. And she may be stuck in a. Everywhere a new mother turns. It's just a constant guilt factory. Like, you went to school and did all this and got certified to be a healthcare X, Y or Z and you're just gonna leave for a kid, man. Really? Or, oh, you're just gonna come here and work and just outsource all the parenting to your kid, really? Or, I mean, you can't win. You can't win, or. I don't know how to take care. I don't know how to. I can't be a mother to my husband, too. And he just feels needy all the time. I'm just gonna stay at work for another shift.

[Andy]

Yeah, I think that's probably kind of how she feels. I'm definitely the. The emotional one in the relationship. She is not.

[John DeLoney]

Okay? I promise you. She has emotions. They may just come out differently. They may come out in lists, and they may come out in budgets, and they may come out in. Have you washed the bottles? You know what I mean? They may just come out differently, but there's still emotions there. They're just expressed differently.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Amy]

And.

[Andy]

And, you know, I, I, I try to do everything I can around the house and with the kid. Like, I'm not a slob. She doesn't have to pick up after me. I try to help out because I know, like, frankly, my job is easier than hers. I'm way less stressed at work than she is. She's got a bigger. She's got more of a burden of responsibility than I do. So I do try to pick up the slack.

[John DeLoney]

Has she asked you to pick up the slack?

[Andy]

No.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. That's the problem, is you're trying to look around and find ways to love her without ever stopping and just exhaling together and looking each other in the eye and saying, hey, how can I love you? Because there's a. Okay. Can I tell you a weird thing that's kind of nutty? A buddy of mine, my first, like, group of dudes that were close buddies, the first guy to have. Whose wife got pregnant. It was probably six or seven months in, and we hung out, and she looked exhausted. Just cashed. And I told my wife, hey, I'm going to hire them a house cleaner. And my wife looked at me and she was like, are you out of your freaking mind that you're going to hire a house cleaner just randomly for this friend of yours whose wife is seven months pregnant? And I was like, what are you talking about? That'd be such an awesome gift just to, like, she goes, the message you'll send to her. And that's when I was learning. I was like, oh, no, right? There could be a scenario, Andy, where you clean up your whole house and make it amazing, and your wife gets home, and it just signals what a failure she is. As A wife and mother.

[Andy]

Either that or it seemingly goes unnoticed.

[John DeLoney]

Well, or often unnoticed means I can't even process this because then I'd have to deal with the emotions behind it. Okay, that sounds bananas. That's not to minimize what you're doing. But the bigger conversation still needs to be had. And this is when people come home with flowers. They come home, they're like, you're going to get the best sex of your life. And person's like, dude, I just want to go to bed. And people end up. People end up missing each other. Or you being able to be honest and say, hey, now that we're two and a half years in, I feel like I'm fourth place in this house. I feel like we have a kid. I feel like you have your job. I feel like we have a dog. And then there's me.

[Andy]

That's how I feel.

[John DeLoney]

Yes, you have to have space to say that out loud. But if you sit down and you point a finger and you say, hey, you're always at work, you're always dealing with this, you never have time for. All of that is accusation. If you sit down and say, hey, I want us to spend three or four hours together co constructing the next world that we get to live in, she might say, I'm doing great, I'm doing fine. To which you will have to be honest and say, I'm not.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

I don't know how to love you in this season. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Andy]

Yeah, I do. And we've certainly had those conversations. God, I don't even know what that looks like. I'm afraid that if we have that conversation, baby number two is going to come up.

[John DeLoney]

Does she want baby number two or are you?

[Andy]

She does.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Do you not want baby number two?

[Andy]

No.

[John DeLoney]

Why not?

[Andy]

My experience this first time around was rough. When she went back to work, you know, first time, Dad, I also work full time and I find myself at home with no help with a baby for two days straight.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, let's have that conversation. That's the conversation you have to have. Because right now she is at work resenting the fact that she wants to expand the family and you, quote, unquote, do nothing at your job. And it's so hard for you to change diapers. Right? And then you sit at home saying, hey, I've got a full time freaking job and I got no help. And by the way, because this is a role reversal, most of the time in the media, this is flipped gender wise. You don't even have Any of your buddies to talk to about this.

[Andy]

I don't know anyone in a similar situation as me. And I should. I should say she's the breadwinner in our relationship. She is.

[John DeLoney]

I don't even like that breadwinner language. Because the house takes both of you to run.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And so sitting down and saying, hey, you've talked about baby number two. I would love to have a huge family. I would not love to continue moving forward like we're moving right now.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

That's a totally different conversation. And if she goes to work and makes more money and lets you know that she's more important than you, you'll need to have that conversation. If you're walking around feeling less than because your wife makes more money than you, then y' all need to have that conversation. Because that may be your ego. Ego and insecurity. Or she may be squashing you on purpose. You know what I'm saying? It's like, it's all those things. But if you don't want to have a truthful, hard conversation because you're afraid she's going to bring up something that you don't want to talk about, then of course she's resenting you and staying at work because she don't want to even look at you. She wants to expand the family, and you don't want to because you have to change the diet. You see what I'm saying? It's just a weird dance y' all are in. Somebody's got to flip the lights on, turn the music off.

[Andy]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the parenting has gotten much easier, obviously. I've been doing it for two and a half years now. Of course, I got that figured out.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. But then you're going to start all over again. It's great.

[Andy]

That's what scares me, John. That's what scares me. And I feel like, you know, for the last couple of years, I've been really trying to, like, rebuild and obviously not get back to where we were prior to having a kid. I know we're likely never going to get back. Like, life's different now, having a kid.

[John DeLoney]

But it can be. Here's it. It can be a different kind of awesome. There's not. It doesn't have to be. It was awesome, and now it's awful. It can be. That was awesome when we could just, like, make out whenever we wanted, and we just had tons of money because you work so much and then you get home and with what energy you had left, we would all year. And then now just Going to suck for 18 years. That didn't have to be the other case. Yeah, y' all can build a different kind of awesome. It might be that y' all need to hire some help. It might mean that you feel small in your job and you want to start pursuing a different career.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

It might mean that you just found yourself as the stay at home dadish with a full time job and you'll never even talked about it that much. It just kind of happened.

[Andy]

I did, you know, I. When she was pregnant, I didn't even think about like what it was gonna mean when she was on call. Like, I don't know if I like purposely block that out.

[John DeLoney]

No, didn't even. Yeah, my wife taught school. My wife taught grad school in the evenings. It never even occurred to me. Yeah, right.

[Andy]

Yeah, it was scary for a long time and, and I, and I don't look forward to having to do that again. But I should say she is moving to a normal schedule soon.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. So this is a perfect moment.

[Andy]

Yeah. Yeah. And we also have a date planned on Saturday.

[John DeLoney]

How long?

[Andy]

We have four and a half hours. The sitter has. Is watching for four and a half hours.

[John DeLoney]

Game on, dude. Game on. You sit down and write out a series of notes like we're, we are. We have a totally new marriage. We have a totally new adventure. I want to co create something awesome in this new world. How do you want to feel when you come home? That's the question. How do you want to feel when you come home?

[Andy]

I joke with her. She probably just wants to be left alone.

[John DeLoney]

Probably. And you get to answer that question too. Say, when I get home, I want you to be really happy I'm here. I want you to come greet me with a hug and say, I'm so glad you're home. Or when I come greet you with a hug, I don't want you to be like, ugh, don't touch me.

[Andy]

That's typically what it is.

[John DeLoney]

That makes me feel small and less than.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And that might mean that she sit in the driveway for 10 minutes and scroll Instagram until she flips her switch from this job to this job. That might mean that you give her five minutes to get in the door. I mean, this is the stuff y' all talk through and negotiate. But just saying, ugh, don't touch me. That's not a solution for a long term relationship. And you trying to just bomb through that isn't a long term solution either. It's both. And yeah, but it's the recognition that both of you get to sit down and say, here's what I really want. Here's what I want this house to feel like and be honest about it. And here's both y' all saying, here's the parts I don't like about how our house currently feels. And we get to choose what happens next. That's the beauty of it. We get to decide what happens next. And if you can honestly say, dude, I would love to have a second kid, a third kid, a fourth kid, I. I'm. I don't want to be a stay at home dad. I want to get some help. Or she can't wait to switch to this new schedule so that she can finally exhale. She might say some things that'll blow your mind. Like, man, I just want to be here with you. And I've never been able to say that out loud. Like, so it's just a matter of sitting here saying, okay, here's what I want. And that's a scary, vulnerable, terrifying, scary, vulnerable, terrifying thing to say. I would recommend both of you writing it down, telling her, hey, we're going to talk about this on Saturday. Here's the one question I want us to answer. What do you want this house to feel like when you come home? And what do I want this house to feel like when I come home? And what must be true? What do we both want in our lives so that if and when baby number two comes along, we both are excited about the world we're creating together? That's the place to start, brother. I'm really grateful for the call, man. Your willingness to call and be honest and open. Most dudes wouldn't do that, so it was an act of courage on your part, my man. And I'm grateful that you did that because it's going to help a whole bunch of people. Thank you so, so much for the call. Next, a woman asks how to discuss her atheism with her soon to be Christian stepdaughter. Can't wait. We'll be right back. All right, it's time for a quick word about my friends at Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading bad guys and scammers right back to us. And now scammers are using phishing attacks with a ph, where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you, by pretending they're your friend. You get an email, a text, or a phone call, and the person or AI bot on the other end sounds like Someone who's looking out for you. With the new technological advancements, no one is really safe. And so what are we supposed to do? Start controlling what you can control. Learn about how to be careful online and offline and sign up with Delete Me. I use and recommend Deleteme because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data. Delete Me is reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them with which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop phishing attacks, stop the harassment and stop the online threats before they start. And take control of your digital privacy. With Delete me, go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney today for 20% off the annual plan that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney all right, Phoenix, Arizona, let's talk to the great and powerful Anna. Hey, Anna, what's up?

[Anna]

Hey, Dr. John, thanks for taking my call. I appreciate it.

[John DeLoney]

Of course. What's going on?

[Anna]

So I need a little help navigating this situation.

[John DeLoney]

Cool.

[Anna]

My 13 year old, soon to be stepdaughter was recently baptized and she has some pretty big concerns about my atheist beliefs versus her Christian beliefs.

[John DeLoney]

Hey, can I tell you, I love with all of my heart convicted 13 year olds. I love it.

[Anna]

Me too. Yeah. And I'm super excited for her and for her to go through her own journey of beliefs, however they may change or if they don't, all that kind of thing. I'm super proud of her and she's a great kid. But I want to quell these concerns that she has. Yes, a little background. So her dad and I have been together for about a year. He's got two girls, 13 and 16, and it's this 13 year old that, that she's my little buddy. I love her, I adore her, we get along great. And she sent her dad a text message a couple weeks ago saying, hey, Anna's a good person, but I'm worried about you guys getting married. Can you please talk to her about her atheist beliefs? Because I think that, you know, changing that would make a huge difference in all of our lives. So she hasn't said anything directly to me about it. And, and I know it's going to come up from her at some point and I don't want to sway her beliefs.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Anna]

But you know how I approach that.

[John DeLoney]

That's a great question and thank you so much for calling. My first big, like, neon sign that's flashing is that your boyfriend used her text message to ask you a question that he didn't have the courage to ask you.

[Anna]

Well, he and I have discussed it.

[John DeLoney]

I know y' all discussed it, but was he pitching one last something or other?

[Anna]

No. No, not at all.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Anna]

He told me. He. He showed it to me to show that she was concerned.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, but he wasn't showing you, like. Well, you know, like this.

[Anna]

What it said, try and change me? No, no, not at all.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. So, a. You could probably find this on the Internet. I'm sure everything's on the Internet these days. One of the awesomest things I maybe even talked about on the show before. It's either Pen or Teller. Whichever one's the real tall one. Teller's the tall. Okay, so at the time, I don't know anything about their beliefs, but Teller was. It was a. Like a conversational atheist. Talked about all the time. Okay.

[Anna]

Yes, I remember that.

[John DeLoney]

Oh, Pen Kelly screwed that up. She was trying to produce a show, and she. It's pin. And she just made a mean hand gesture to me that she's going to edit this part out of the show to make her look self. Look good. But she just did. So Penn gave a. It was like on a vlog. Remember back in the old days? Like the. The vlog. Things that people did. Long story short, he had somebody stay after a show talking. Magic waited for him in the lobby. They talked. Magic was talking about in intricate parts of the show. He said, I could tell this guy really loved the craft of magic. And it was an. It was a fun, engaging conversation. And the guy started to turn away, and he turned back and said, hey, I can't in good conscience not invite you. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to church service. I'd love for you to be my guest. And he said, hey, I appreciate it. I think. Thank you so much. I'm gonna go ahead and pass, but I appreciate it. And then here's what Penn said. He said, if a truck was coming down the street and you saw it was gonna hit me. How dare you not shove me out of the way? And he said, this guy was so respectful and so kind, and he genuinely cares for my soul. And he took a second not to point a finger at me, but to gently and kindly invite me to what he thought was going to be my safety. And he said, how can I not love a man like that?

[Anna]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And so there was a posture of, you and I have different Beliefs, but I know your belief is rooted in a space where you want me to be safe for all eternity. Thank you for saying something. You know. You know, I mean, like, it was such a different. Not an intellectual fight, not a. I can't believe it. It was like, dude, you just are trying to shove me out of the way of the truck that I don't think's coming, but you do. And thank you. Like, there's something amazing about that posture. So here's the path. I think it is you sitting down and saying, I have heard you. You just got baptized. That's. I'm so proud of. You're following your beliefs. Will you teach me about that and give her an opportunity to take ownership of that disconcerted feeling she has?

[Anna]

Right. Okay.

[John DeLoney]

And what you're doing is you're not inviting her into discourse. You're inviting her to share part of herself, which, according to the text message, is a big part of herself.

[Anna]

Yes, that makes sense.

[John DeLoney]

And then if she asks you, like, why don't you believe you? If. I mean, she's 13 at that point, she's. She's old enough to hear some of your. Your convictions and beliefs, but she can also, at that time, hear your compassion for her.

[Anna]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

Your support of her, your love for her. Right.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And I think that over a meal, that goes a long way on two fronts. One, I'm confident that she has a picture of what the word atheist means.

[Anna]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

And you don't fit that picture because you're kind and loving and you're generous to her. You're about to marry her dad, so she's got some cognitive dissonance there.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Right. And on the other side, so many. So many issues are humanized and people sit down and have a meal together.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And I think that's awesome.

[Anna]

Yeah, No, I think. I think you're right. I think that sounds like a great. A great plan.

[John DeLoney]

Hearing you say, I love and support your beliefs and your journey and where you want to go. And this is where I happen to be right now. And. And probably the bigger, deeper concern. I love your dad to the moon and back.

[Anna]

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's. That's part of. That's probably point a. I think that's probably more where it's coming from more than anything.

[John DeLoney]

And you. You know that, like, you, like me, have atheist friends that are extraordinary people. Right. That are giving and kind and loving and generous. And you also know that in certain groups, they may be painted as not only non believers in the afterlife, in the Religious context, but evil people.

[Anna]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

And so I think she's gotten a.

[Anna]

Little of that from the, from the other side.

[John DeLoney]

Yes. From whatever group she's associated with. So I would, yeah, totally honor that fear that she has.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Right. And if there's some 14 year old who, you know, I got a 15 year old, you know what, he knows everything that has ever existed. He's the smartest person alive right now. And so there may be a 15 year old telling her like, well, you know, this and this and this. So it's her, her fear and her trepidation. It's all, it's all right. It's all good, right?

[Anna]

Yeah, absolutely.

[John DeLoney]

And I think she's right to be nervous for her dad. She's right to be nervous about who's this woman who seems to be so kind and loving, but also this 15 year old friend of mine is telling me, ooh, she's right.

[Anna]

Right. Yep, yep.

[John DeLoney]

And finding a place where y' all align on man. If you would have the compassion enough for this 13 year old, Anna, to say things like, like when I hear about Jesus and that he was there for the poor, he was there for the least of these and those in the margins. I absolutely love that.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And I don't know what your personal convictions are about service and taking care of people in your communities and whatever, but any way you could align with her principles, I think that'd be amazing.

[Anna]

Yeah. Find a common, a common ground there. Yeah, yep. Absolutely.

[John DeLoney]

And letting her know it's going to be you and me loving this old man.

[Anna]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[John DeLoney]

And then hopefully she says, well, then you're gonna go to hell. That'd be hilarious. But hopefully she doesn't say that.

[Anna]

I hope she does.

[John DeLoney]

No, Anna, no. But if she. Hey, if she does say that, I'm worried about your soul, I'm worried about yourself.

[Anna]

Yeah. Yeah. Legit.

[John DeLoney]

I hope you say, thank you so much.

[Anna]

Sounds great. All right, thank you.

[John DeLoney]

Does that make sense, like real quick, if she says, like, I'm worried about your soul.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

If you could reach across the desk, I mean, the, the diner table and hold her hand and say, thank you so much for caring about me. That means the world to me.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

You know what I mean? I just think that's so hospitable.

[Anna]

Yeah, I agree with that. Absolutely.

[John DeLoney]

But thank you for. Thank you for loving her and I love your words. I'm not trying to squash her. Thank you for honoring her and doing what you can to lift up a 13 year who is searching for truth. With all of her heart and mind and soul.

[Anna]

Yep. I love that about her, too.

[John DeLoney]

That's awesome. That's awesome. Let that. Let that light shine. And if you ever want to talk about Jesus, you can call me. How about that?

[Anna]

I appreciate it. Thank you.

[John DeLoney]

All right. Hey, stay in school. Don't do drugs. Appreciate you so much, Anna. All right, we will all be right back. Hey, it's Deloney for Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. Listen. As the great philosopher Ferris Bueller once said, life moves pretty fast. And it's true. We're all juggling work and family and a million other things in the chaos. We often forget to pause and reflect. But creating peace in your life doesn't just happen. We have to choose it. We have to create space for it. And that's where Hallow comes in. Hallow provides you amazing opportunities to slow down and. And reconnect with what matters most. One of the best features on Hallow is the Daily Reflections with Jeff Cavins. Because he helps you connect scripture to real life joys and challenges. Or if you're struggling with anxiety or feeling overwhelmed, Hallow offers mental health meditations and prayers that I have personally found useful. From healing emotional wounds to establishing healthy habits, these guided prayers give you words of comfort and longing when you're all out of things to say. If you're ready to find some peace in the chaos of your life and some purpose in your day, I want you to check out Hallow right now. When you sign [e-mail] DeLoney, you get three months of peace for free. That's right. Go to hallow.comh a l l o w.com DeLoney for three months for free. All right, we're back. We have a money and marriage question. Would you pick Kelly? What is the most effective way to recover from infidelity? When my husband confessed a year ago to an affair, but the resentment in my heart still lingers. This feels like multiple questions here. I think the resentment will always linger. Always, Forever and ever. Just expect there to be moments when a lightning bolt of your husband, a picture of your husband with this other person will pop into your mind. That will happen. Or somebody will see him in 10 years. If y' all just decide to stick this out and you'll build a new marriage. And it's amazing. And they'll say, he is so amazing. I can't. I wish my husband was like him. And you'll instantly go, oh, you don't even know. That will be the rest of your Life. So if an effective way to recover from infidelity for you is never having these flashes, these, this resentment that lingers, if you will, man, you're in for a ride. And here's the sucky part. If you divorce him, that resentment will still linger. It just isn't is now. It's an is now because there's. There's this, this cancer that got dropped into the middle of your marriage. I think the effective way to quote, unquote, recover from infidelity is a, you have to re. Establish trust. Both. You have to learn to trust you again, which is really, really challenging. And you have to establish, hey, this is what it's going to take in this house for me to trust you again. I got to see your phone. I got to see your text messages. We don't go to lunches with people. We're not married. Look, whatever you say, I need this for me. He says, I'm all in. I'm in the trust rebuilding phase. And then the third part of this is, you choose, and this is hard and unpopular. You choose to put both of your feet back in the boat and risk getting hurt this badly again. You get back in the boat and you'll row together towards whatever you want to build. Which means as much as this might, like, stab you in the guts, I'm going to go back out on a date with you again. I am going to write you kind notes again. I'm going to make you coffee in the morning again. I am not going to just hold this thing out over the both of us so that I can kind of maneuver and feel a little bit powerful in those moments when I feel not powerful. When that image of you and her snaps into my mind, when that image snaps into my mind, I'm going to instantly have another image of a positive new image that I'm going to use to meditate on instead of the old one. And this takes work and takes time, and it's hard. Lingering. That's a great word. I would just expect that to happen. The lingering is the real part, the challenge for. I mean, it's the is. It's the reality. This is going to happen. The challenge is, what are you going to do next? What are you going to think about? What are you going to do? What are your actions going to be? And how honest and open are you going to be with him? Kelly? Am I missing anything? No, I think that was really great. Well, okay, that's it. By the way, money, marriage, questions, join us for it's in November. You can go to ramseysolutions.com and you can check out the Money and Marriage Retreat here in Nashville, Tennessee. It's it's my favorite thing that I'm a part of. It's so fun. Me and Rachel Cruz and a host of other cool people come and go, but come join us in November and in Valentine's Day, one of those two retreats, they always sell out. So get your tickets when you can. Ramseysolutions.com events. Peace out. Bye.