I Don't Agree With My Husband’s Laid-Back Lifestyle

Summary

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The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode Title: I Don't Agree With My Husband’s Laid-Back Lifestyle
Date: January 21, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)
Episode Overview:
This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show is built around real, candid calls from listeners navigating relationship and mental health challenges. Dr. John delves deeply with callers into marital friction around differing ideas of productivity and downtime, family dynamics around holiday gifting, supporting friends escaping abusive relationships, and setting boundaries with adult children. With his classic blend of directness, compassion, and a hint of humor, Dr. John helps listeners explore “the thing beneath the thing,” pushing for honest self-inquiry and healthy relational patterns.

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Main Topics and Key Insights

1. Navigating Marital Differences in Productivity and “Downtime”

[00:05 - 16:14]

Caller: Haley, Boise, Idaho

• Issue Presented:
  Haley struggles to find common ground with her husband, a law enforcement officer. She values completing daily checklists before relaxing, while he prefers some “downtime” after his demanding job before helping at home. This difference in energy and productivity styles has created ongoing tension and resentment in their marriage.

• Dr. John’s Approach:

  • Encourages Haley to look at the “thing beneath the thing”—is her frustration about unchecked tasks, unmet relational needs, or inherited standards?
  • Discusses the dangers of living by “shoulds” and external validation (“a good wife/house/mother looks like X”) rather than internal calm and partnership.
  • Highlights the risk of turning household tasks into “proxy wars” for deeper emotional needs or validation.

• Key Insights:

  • Unspoken Expectations = Resentment: “I don't know where I heard this, but it's kind of stuck in my head that unspoken expectations are pre-arranged resentments.” (Dr. John, [11:05])
  • Encourages explicit, collaborative conversations about what “downtime” and “productivity” mean for both partners.
  • Suggests focusing on how the home feels when her husband arrives, not just on tasks accomplished.
  • Offers validation and normalization: “I think you’re a pretty great mom. I think you’re a pretty great wife. And my guess is your husband’s a pretty good guy, too. Is that fair?” (Dr. John, [15:57])

• Memorable Quotes:

  • “If the basket of clothes is proof to you that you're not enough, there's going to be no proof there. That's going to have to be you deciding, I'm going to change that story—that I am enough, that he married well, I'm a good mom.” (Dr. John, [13:59])
  • “Sometimes the laundry can just be about the laundry. Get up and do the laundry. Like, I need you to fold this.” (Dr. John, [13:51])
  • “When we can't believe it in ourselves... it's good to have a ride or die with us, that we can outsource some of that feeling to them.” (Dr. John, [16:20])

• Action Steps:

  • Redefine home expectations together (“What do we want the home to feel like at the end of the day?”)
  • Recognize when tasks become a stand-in for deeper emotional needs.
  • Consider counseling if persistent feelings of “not enough” continue despite a generally healthy relationship.

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2. Boundaries and Perspective in Family Gift-Giving

[19:09 – 27:00]

Caller: Anne, Selina, Kansas

• Issue Presented:
  Anne and her husband feel overwhelmed by her mother-in-law’s extravagant Christmas gift-giving, which outshines their own presents to their children and strains their ideal of a magical—but modest—holiday.

• Dr. John’s Approach:

  • Advises against getting into a “competition” mindset—both with extended family and with society at large.
  • Encourages reframing: is the issue truly about the kids, or about parental pride and control over “the magic”?
  • Stresses the importance of focusing on the broader picture: the children feel loved and special, and that's what matters.

• Key Insights:

  • “Get out of the competition game right now. Because you’re not just going to play that with your mother-in-law. You’re going to play that with your neighbors... that will suck the soul out of your home.” (Dr. John, [21:17])
  • Six-year-old children are developmentally egocentric and will comment on volume/quantity, but shouldn’t dictate adult emotions or decisions.
  • “I'm not going to be beholden to the whims of what a six-year-old's going to think about me.” (Dr. John, [24:36])

• Action Steps:

  • Allow the mother-in-law to “do her” (within reason), and focus on maintaining the family’s own boundaries and values.
  • Educate kids on gratitude and set realistic expectations without giving undue emotional weight to their (often blunt) reactions.
  • Use surplus gifts as an opportunity to donate and teach generosity, rather than as a point of familial contention.

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3. Supporting a Friend Leaving Abuse—and Facing Powerlessness

[29:46 – 39:30]

Caller: Sarah, Chicago

• Issue Presented:
  Sarah provided shelter to a friend leaving an abusive relationship. Despite her support, the friend is contemplating returning to her abuser, exposing both herself and her daughter to potential danger.

• Dr. John’s Approach:

  • Emphasizes telling the truth, even if it risks the friendship: “I'll risk the friendship... to let people know A, that I see what's going on. B, that it's unsafe. And C, here's an alternative path for you.” ([31:44])
  • Affirms that adults have agency—even to make heartbreaking choices. Help is freely offered, but cannot be forced.
  • Advocates for a clear, firm stance when children’s safety is at risk (“I will do everything in my power if you... put her in the presence of a sexual predator.” [34:52])

• Key Insights:

  • Leaving abusive relationships is usually cyclical and arduous—“up to seven leavings and goings back... before an abused woman actually leaves for good.” ([36:05])
  • Abuse victims often return due to deep psychological and emotional entanglement, not logic (“There’s a lived experience of someone who hurt me, but look how nice and loving they are now...” [37:25])
  • Grief is a natural response; helpers must accept their own powerlessness over another adult’s decisions.

• Action Steps:

  • Have a transparent and compassionate conversation—state concerns, set boundaries for future support (“this cannot be a revolving door”), and offer continued but conditional support.
  • Prioritize child safety; be prepared to alert authorities if the child is endangered.
  • Consider leaving a written note or letter with supportive words for the friend, should she need help again (“maybe giving her a letter as she leaves so that she can go back and read it when things get scary again…” [39:11])

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4. Marriage & Money: Setting Firm Boundaries with Adult Children

[End Segment]

• Anonymous Question (Paraphrased):
  How do you deal with adult children who try to insert themselves in your marriage, especially when they try to divide their parents?

• Dr. John’s Principle:

  • “Nobody, and I mean nobody gets between me and my wife, period. We are one. There is no separation between the two of us.”
  • Strong, direct boundaries are required. Do not tolerate divisive talk about your spouse from children or anyone else.
  • Maintaining peace may require sacrificing “harmony” and can be uncomfortable, but partnership comes first.

• Quote:
  “What most people try to do is preserve harmony... you can't do both. It's hard to keep peace when one person's declaring war on your till-death-do-us-part partner.”

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Timestamps for Core Segments

• [00:05 - 16:14]: Haley on marital differences—productivity vs. downtime
• [19:09 - 27:00]: Anne on mother-in-law Christmas gifting
• [29:46 - 39:30]: Sarah supporting a friend leaving abuse
• [End Segment]: Anonymous question on adult children and marriage boundaries

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Unspoken expectations are pre-arranged resentments.”
  — Dr. John, [11:05]

• “If the basket of clothes is proof to you that you're not enough... that's going to have to be you deciding. I'm going to change that story.”
  — Dr. John, [13:59]

• “Get out of the competition game right now... that will suck the soul out of your home.”
  — Dr. John, [21:17]

• “Six year olds say six year old stuff... I'm not going to be beholden to the whims of what a six year old's going to think about me.”
  — Dr. John, [24:36]

• “I will do everything in my power if you... put her in the presence of a sexual predator.”
  — Dr. John, [34:52]

• “I'll risk the friendship... to let people know A, that I see what's going on. B, that it's unsafe. And C, here's an alternative path for you.”
  — Dr. John, [31:44]

• “Nobody, and I mean nobody gets between me and my wife, period. We are one. There is no separation between the two of us.”
  — Dr. John, [End Segment]

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Final Takeaways

• Deep marital or family disputes are almost always about something deeper than chores or presents. The “thing beneath the thing” must be surfaced and discussed.
• Healthy relationships require explicit expectations, honest communication, and strong boundaries—whether with spouses, extended family, friends, or adult children.
• Helpers must accept the limits of their power; sometimes, loving someone means letting them make their own (even painful) choices while standing firm for the safety of the vulnerable.
• “You can’t keep peace by sacrificing your core partnership. If someone’s creating division, your loyalty is to your spouse—period.”

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For more calls, real talk, and relational deep-dives, tune into The Dr. John Delony Show on the Ramsey Network.

Transcript

[A]

So my husband and I, I'm just curious how we can come to a common ground regarding our different energy levels and different ideas of productivity.

[B]

You're saying that so clinically. All right, put your notes away. What's the real thing beneath the thing? What's going on? What's going on? The Dr. John DeLoney Show. Taking your calls from Nashville, Tennessee. People calling in from all over the planet, talking about their mental and emotional health, the relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. For two decades, I've been sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move. And I'm glad that you're with us, whether you're calling into the show or whether you are listening to the show, wanting to, man, help be a part of healing this mess that we got on our hands, both as a culture, as. As a country, all over the place. Thank you for. For tuning in. And together, we're gonna. We're gonna get this thing right. All right. Boise, Idaho. Let's talk to Haley. What's up, Haley?

[A]

Hey, Dr. John. How are you today?

[B]

I'm great. How about you?

[A]

Doing good. Thank you. It's an honor to talk to you.

[B]

It's an honor to talk to you. Thanks for calling. What's going on?

[A]

Yeah, so my husband and I, I'm just curious how we can come to a common ground regarding our different energy levels and different ideas of productivity.

[B]

You're saying that so clinically. What. What is the.

[A]

Well, I wrote it down, so I didn't.

[B]

Put your notes away. What's the real thing beneath the thing? Is your husband lazy and you like to crush it and kill it? You love Mel Robbins, and he's more like, hey, let's play video games.

[A]

No, I mean, I would not consider my husband a lazy person at all.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He just. He is a law enforcement.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And he works long days, and I am stay at home, mom, and I love it. It's the biggest blessing. But we just. I am just, like, have this checklist of things that I need to get done throughout the day.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And he is more so of. I need to have this downtime before I can even work on this checklist.

[C]

Excuse me.

[A]

We've had a lot of conversations about this. It's not something that. Is not something that we don't talk about. We talk about it a lot. It's probably the biggest point of contention in our marriage, and the only resolution we ever seem to come to is that we're just different. And sometimes it's just challenging because I don't want to feel that resentment towards him. As far as there's a pile of laundry that could be folded, there's dishes that could be done, and I know that you've worked hard and you're gone all day, but I just need. We just have different ideas as far as I can relax once all this is done. And he said, well, I'll get it done. I just need a little bit of relaxing time. And it's just very frustrating for both of us.

[B]

So beneath that list is what.

[C]

My.

[A]

Beneath my list is probably need to feel peaceful and to feel okay, I've accomplished what I need to get done, and there's not anything sitting on my brain anymore that keeps me from feeling relaxed. So why is it feel relaxed whenever.

[B]

If there's something sitting on your brain, why is it somebody else's responsibility to get it off?

[A]

It isn't. You're right.

[B]

Is it. Is it. Is that responsibility come from a picture that you have of a good wife has a house that looks like this, or a good mom is like this, or is it. The list is a road map for you to feel like this guy is actually plugged into the pulse of your house?

[D]

Probably.

[A]

Probably a bit of all of that. Honestly, I want. Like, I'll find myself being frustrated if he's on his phone when he gets home from work. Our kid, and he's an amazing father. But, you know, it's. Sometimes our child is like. You can tell he wants attention, and my husband will kind of just be in a little time to relax. And I'm like, I don't want to. I just get so worried that something. That their relationship is gonna hurt because of that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And so I think there's no evidence that it will.

[B]

Well, I mean, there is. I mean, there. There's tons of evidence. I wouldn't have a show if it wasn't for moms and dads coming home and gluing themselves to a screen as to avoid that feeling of powerlessness and worthlessness and exhaustion at home. I wouldn't have a job if that did happen. Right. So you're right to worry. But what. What feels like the blinking lights for me are that y' all are having. You've probably heard me say this. Y' all are having proxy wars. And I want to define what does downtime mean?

[D]

Right?

[B]

And what does this list represent? And if the list represents a story you've told yourself about what makes you a good wife and a good mother and a good partner, then you've got a Partner walking in the door, stepping over the laundry, being like, I don't care about that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so that means it's a story you're telling yourself and we need to re. Either I'm just going to do the law, I'm just going to fold it because it's my burden I'm placing on myself, or I need to exhale and realize I got to change my story about the shoulds and the have to's because they're not true. They may have, they may have served me in a former life as a kid, but they're not serving me now. Or if that list is a representation of we have this new kid and I'm losing my guy. I miss you. And if he walks in the door and home is a place where he comes in and has yet another sergeant barking orders at him, or he feels like I walk in the door and I'm not. It's not a place where I can drop my shoulders and that everyone's happy that I'm here. It's a place where I'm yet again doing things not the right way. You get what I'm saying, right?

[A]

Yeah, totally.

[B]

Then quote unquote, downtime. It's not downtime. It's not rest and recovery. It's not like on Saturday, this past Saturday, my wife said, hey, I'm going to go take a nap for an hour and a half. Like that was a bounded time. I need away from you and Josephine because y' all are bickering and fighting. Me and my daughter always wrestling with each other and I need a what? And I need some sleep. I'm gonna go get some sleep. I'll be back in 90 minutes. It was awesome. And honestly, I don't know, when she came out, it could have been two and a half hours later, I don't know. But it was. It was not I need to not be present with y'. All. It was I need some R R. And here's what that's going to look like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so it's these, it's these dot, dot, dots. What does, what does quote unquote downtime mean? And is it transitioning from hey, I had to show up to 25 strangers homes and cars today and every one of those I thought I could get killed and not be able to come home to you. And I just need to exhale. Cool. Maybe that's going to the gym. Then maybe that's sitting in the driveway for 30 minutes. Maybe that's walking in and you greeting him with a cup of coffee. But that's different than I'm walking in my front door and I. Oh, here I am. I'm back to another failing. And I feel like my home's a failure factory. I'm not good enough here either. And then you feel like I'm not. I'm a failure of a spouse because I don't feel like I'm. And you see how it just gets in this weird figure 8.

[A]

Yes, totally.

[B]

You make more lists and he detaches more, and all of a sudden.

[A]

Yeah, don't want that.

[B]

Yeah. So let me ask you, what does the list represent for you? What does it mean?

[A]

I think. I think you're right. Like, I. I want to be. Want to have this nice clean house and my kids to have a nice cooked meal. I don't want to. You know, I just. I think it's standards I hold myself to.

[B]

And where do those come from? And that doesn't have to be some deep psychological something or other, but where do these standards come from that this is what a house is supposed to. I mean, your kids gotta eat right. And, like, your kids need diapers, whatever. But, like, where does the. This house has to look like this and operate like this, or I'm not enough?

[A]

I mean, it's so. I've been telling myself that for so.

[C]

Long, and the only thing I can.

[A]

Think is, I'm sure social media has to do with it, other people, but I also think it's a thing. It's just a society thing. I think it's just like, if I can't. Like, people with 10 kids are doing this better than I am with two kids.

[B]

They're not. They're absolutely not 100%. They're not guaranteed.

[D]

Right?

[A]

That's what my husband says.

[B]

Guaranteed, 100%. You know how I know? Because I'm in their homes. They're not.

[A]

Yeah, they're not.

[D]

And.

[B]

But let's get to the bottom. The. The thing beneath the thing. Beneath the thing. There's something powerful about you telling your husband, I feel seen and known and loved when you walk in the door and I know you're exhausted, and the first thing you do is you scan the room and grab the basket of laundry and take it to our bedroom and fold it.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I've told them that. And anytime. We're really good about anytime. Hey, thank you so much for doing the dishes. It really means a lot to me. Thank you. You know, we're really good communication. I just don't see it, like, think my expectations you did this yesterday. Why don't you do it today and the next day and the next day? And I think there's no consistency there with how we are different in that it's like some days he's really good about hopping up and not taking two hours of downtime and he comes home right away and is spending time with our kids. But then the next day it's like he just complete opposite. And I really struggle with. Of consistency there.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know where I heard this, but it's kind of stuck in my head that unspoken expectations are pre arranged resentments.

[A]

Yeah. And I, I know that one thing my. I've always had to manage my expectations. Something I'm learning for sure.

[B]

Well, I think it's less about managing expectations and managing the finish line because the moment you cross the marathon finish line, you look up and you're like, I need to run five more miles. I need to run 10 more miles. Having high expectations is amazing. Especially when they're in service to something. Not when they're equally a drug. I need this to look like this. I need the laundry to get done because I need the freaking laundry to get done. That's one thing. That's easy peasy, dude. But when it is, I need the laundry to d to get done so I can quote, unquote, feel like I'm now worthy of being a wife and mother. The moment that laundry gets done, it just will move to the next thing. Because that's a bottomless pit. Because you're seeking external validation for an internal hole in your chest.

[A]

Definitely.

[B]

Does that make, does that make sense?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like when he does the dishes and you say thank you for doing the dishes. That it's almost like a. It's a transaction.

[A]

Yeah. Don't want that.

[B]

Instead of like he's doing the dishes and you walk by and I don't know. Yalls what. I don't know if he dislikes it when you put your hand on his arm under the table or if you whap him on the butt when you walk by or if you put your hand on the back of his. But it's, it's. Those are the gottmans. Call them bids. Those are small attenuations to we're in this together, not you did this. So I'll give you that. And if the laundry becomes the proxy war or the dishes become the you just came home and sat down and you, I needed the dishes done. Really the thing here is I miss you. And we're in this thing Together. And I need to feel like I got a partner in this thing. Otherwise, three days, he'll go do the dishes when he sees them. Great. I checked off that thing off the box. And that's not really what you're aiming at. What you're aiming at is, I need a ride or die again.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that fair?

[A]

That's very fair.

[B]

And sometimes the laundry can just be about the laundry. Get up and do the laundry. Like, I need you to fold this. Like. Okay, cool. Got it.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

But if the basket of clothes is. Is proof to you that you're not enough. Not. There's going to be no proof there. That's going to have to be you deciding. I'm going to change that story that I am enough that he married well. I'm a good mom. Do you believe those things?

[A]

Yeah, I do. I. I do. I don't know if I do on a surface level or if I do deep down, but there's definitely a missing piece there.

[B]

Okay. I've seen couples be really successful when they. And you've heard me say this a million times. And I feel like I'm beating a drum here of y' all going out and saying, hey, we have a new marriage now. The marriage we had when you were a young cop and I was a young cop's wife and we could make out whenever we wanted to. And I thought it was kind of sexy that you were a cop. And we'd go out and whatever. And then we had kid one and then we had kid two. We have a brand new marriage now. And so I want to clear the deck and ask this question. How do we want the home to feel when you walk in at the end of the day? And what must be true there and him say, here's how. How do. How do I. How do I want you to feel when I walk in the door? And if 30 minutes of doing chores when he walks in the door allows the whole house to drop their shoulders so that the rest of the evening can just be pure hangout, laughter, goofball, whatever, as he calls it. Downtime. That's amazing. Knock that out, dude. That's easy. But if downtime is his way of avoiding the fact that he feels like he lives in a failure factory and you are making lists to prove that he doesn't really want to be a part of this team, it just gets in this weird figure eight. Well, I think you're a pretty great mom. I think you're a pretty great wife. And my guess is your husband's a Pretty good guy, too. Is that fair?

[A]

Yes. He's. He's the best.

[B]

Okay. Would he say, you're the best?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. In those moments where we can't believe it in ourselves when we look in the mirror and all we see is the new wrinkle, the new three pounds, the new unchecked boxes on yesterday's list, in those seasons, those days, those hours, those minutes, it's good to have a ride or die with us, that we can outsource some of that feeling to them. And maybe it's as simple as you text him and saying, hey, if I text you and say, would you? And he's like, oh, yeah, I would. That's all I need. Or set your timer on your phone and text me twice a day that you love me. Done. This is a tough, messy middle. You'll have a good marriage, but you want it to be different. You want to be better, and that's awesome. And I love it and support it. But if you want it to be better so that you don't feel the way you feel inside, I want you to go sit with a counselor and say, I got an amazing husband. I got amazing life. I got amazing kids, and I still have this nagging sense that I'm not enough. And let's dig into that because you're worth. Peace. All right. When we come back, a woman asks how to get her mother in law to stop giving so many gifts on Christmas. This is an interesting take. Stay with me on this one. Hey, what up? How we doing? Listen, my family and I traveled a lot this holiday season, and some of the mattresses I slept on were not the best. I found myself counting down the hours until I could get back home onto my Helix mattress. Sleeping on a Helix mattress has transformed my rest. My whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses, and we all love coming home and getting into our own beds. I even have a Helix mattress in my guest room. And when people come crash at my house, they always, always want to know about this amazing mattress that they spent the night on. Helix mattresses are that good because they make mattresses for real people. Whether you sleep hot or cold or on your side or on your back, Helix customizes their mattresses to you and your sleep style. I got online and took the Helix sleep quiz. It takes, like two minutes, and I want you to do the same thing. They're going to match you with the perfect mattress just for you. And right now, Helix has a Martin Luther King day sale exclusively for my audience. Go to helixsleep.com DeLoney for 27% off sitewide. That's helixsleep.com DeLoney For 27% off your entire purchase. And tell Helix you heard about their incredible mattresses right here on the Dr. John DeLoney show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. Let's go out to Selena, Kansas and talk to Anne not of Green Gables. What's up, Anne?

[C]

Not a lot. How are you?

[B]

I'm good. What's going on?

[C]

So essentially my mother in law has always like gone above and beyond at Christmas and we now like have three kids and this has been an ongoing issue like over the last several years and we've tried talking to her about.

[A]

It and she just gets a little hostile.

[C]

But it's to the point that like her budget is the same as ours, but she gets smaller things. So like we'll get a, I don't know, we can usually get like five to seven things per kid. And we go over there and it's like last year she had a whole bunch of stuff in stockings. Like 10 to 15 presents, a kid and then another bag of clothes. Like it's just so over the top that we feel like we're competing with her for our own kids.

[B]

Yeah. So let me ask that question. What is it? How old are your kids?

[C]

They are six, four and one and a half.

[B]

Okay. What is it?

[C]

Our six year old is getting to the age where he could make comments and like notice.

[B]

Sure. But, but what is it about these gifts that you don't like?

[C]

I didn't grow up with that big of a Christmas, but I still like woke up on Christmas morning excited for like my parents Christmas and I feel like we're and my husband's on the same page. Like we both feel like we're missing out on like giving our own kids the magic of Christmas. So it's a little bit of that, but it's also like when we bring it into our house, it's just so much stuff. Like there's stuff that she got them last year that I don't think was ever played with. Like I probably took it down to our storage in a tote months later.

[D]

Sure.

[C]

Without it being played with very much.

[B]

Well, so there's two different things here. Number one or there's three different things going on here. I'll go in order of importance. Number one, I would challenge you and your husband to get out of the competition game right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you're not just going to play that with your mother in law. You're going to play that with your Neighbors, you're going to play that with school mates, you're going to play that with kids, parents that go to school with your kids. Like, that's a. That's a. That will suck the soul out of your home. And so if people find themselves able to bless your family over time and you're like, well, we want to be the ones who get. We want our kids to be happy about us, not about them, then, man, that's a. That's a dangerous place to go down. The second part of that is if y' all have established a boundary right now that your mother in law is blowing by when it comes to presence, my guess is she blows by other boundaries too. Is that true or no?

[C]

I don't feel like. I mean, at the beginning of our marriage, my husband had to set up like a lot of guard rails and he's had a lot of like, hard conversations, but I don't feel like they really do anymore. We have a really good relationship with them.

[B]

Okay, then that leads me to the third thing, which is if. If.

[C]

I guess she definitely tries to sometimes, but my husband is willing to put her back in her place.

[B]

That's awesome. That's great. Then that means you married really well. Well done on that one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Tell me, like, is it coming down to your mother in law's buying more presents than y' all are and you feel like she's taking, you know, somebody else thunder.

[C]

Somewhat? I mean, I think my husband, I didn't grow up with anywhere near this of Christmases. Like, I think the first year I was in this family, she spent more money on me than my parents usually do at Christmas. So that was shocking. But I think he kind of wanted to be able to give our kids, like the shell shock that he normally got walking down on Christmas. And now, like, they get more shocked from his parents. So that bothers him.

[B]

But you realize he's the focus.

[C]

Yeah. And not just I hear it now.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Let's. Let's let shell shocking. That's even a dramatic way to say, but let's let Christmas be magic for them. And by the way, my daughter's 10 now. My sister spoils her and my son in the most mad house ways. And you know what? I love it. Yeah, I love it for my sister. I love it for my kids. And do I wish. Do I have the money to buy all that? Yep, I actually do. Like, I'm just in a season of blessing right now. I could buy her all that stuff. I love that she has that My daughter has that connective relationship with my sister. I love it. I love that my sister will see something throughout the year and be like my 10 year old niece is going to love that. And, but that took me taking myself out of that equation and the, the epicenter there is my daughter has a special relationship with her aunt which I think is amazing.

[C]

I think a little bit of it is also like, I don't know what our six year old is going to say this year but like last year we, he started opening stuff and was kind of like that's it, like at our house. And I was like, I mean I spent $100 on a Lego set, I.

[A]

Can'T buy a bunch of other stuff.

[B]

Well, and I think, I think, okay, so number one, six year olds say six year old stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not going to be beholden to the whims of what a six year old's going to think about me. I'm, I'm going to be responsible parent with my budget and sitting. Your six year old's old enough to say is it six year old still believe in Santa Claus or, or do they, does he know about you?

[C]

Yeah, no, he still believes in Santa.

[B]

Okay. Yes. Then what a magic thing like Santa brings these gifts right here and then grandma's going to spoil you rotten and just setting that up that way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then when you, you start having different conversations about where Christmas presents come from, etc. Then y' all can sit down and say we have a, we have this much money to spend, we have this much budget but six year olds are going to say six year old stuff. I'm not going to be beholden to a six year old especially they're sugar filled, sleep deprived on one morning of the year. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And six years old is pretty young even to be like, you should be grateful they're six. They're six.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He doesn't have any concept of money or anything.

[B]

No, they, he has a concept of volume.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And let's back all that. In a perfect world, if our, if our parents and our in laws did exactly what we wanted to all of the time, would that be cool? Yeah, probably. Is that the real world? No, it's not. And so if you get a sense that your mother in law is trying to like shame you, like I'm going to come over the top and crush my poor son and his poor new wife and embarrass them. Yeah. I'm not going, I'm not going to go be a part of that. But it sounds like your mother in law and your father in law have always had a history of really outdoing themselves for Christmas. And if it makes you guys feel small then I'll put that back on y' all and say why don't we back up and just say our kids get a magical overindulgence and it's great, it's fine. And if our 6 year old goes that's it. Be like yep, that's it. Santa really hooked you up this year. Let's look at this, let's look at this set of Legos and let's just go. We're going to blow right through those kind of little six year old comments. When a six year old knows o I can affect the whole emotional temperature in this house of the adults by just one little sentence, they'll begin to weaponize that if they know mom and dad just go right through it. Great, cool. But yeah, I mean it. It's six, one half dozen another. It doesn't sound like your mother in law is a bad person at all and she's just trying to bulldoze your your boundaries. Sounds like she's always been a Christmas person, always loved Christmas and whatever. And I don't know dude, think about it through the kids eyes. I'd say let them have it. Say let them have it. Unless it's a big issue with you and your husband and you all have to make a choice. We're not going to go to Christmas. We're not going to go there anymore because we want to be the center of our kids gift receiving, not them. That's just my two cents on it. I love people being them full their full selves and then I as the adult have to make the decisions on the back end. I'm going to put 95% of this in a bin. Great, cool. And then I'm going to make sure somebody who actually wants it or needs it is going to get it down the road. That's just me being an adult there. So thanks for the call sister. I know a lot of people are going through this. I know this has got a lot of layers to it so it's lot there but in this situation, I don't know man, I just say let mother in law do mother in law stuff and be grateful that your kids are getting spoiled rotten. Magic day with grandma and grandpa. When we come back, a woman asks how to sit down and talk to her friend who keeps wanting to go back to her abusive ex. I Talk a lot about sleep because sleep is super important. I've struggled personally with sleep for years and when I don't sleep, I'm impatient, I'm distracted. I and I'm not the dad in the husband or friend I want to be or need to be. And that's why I'm pumped to tell you about something that's truly helped me sleep better. Beams Nighttime Dream Powder. I'm telling everybody about this because it works and it's also delicious. My go to flavor is sea salt caramel mixed with almond milk before bed who night night Listen. Beams Dream powder is a blend of science backed ingredients. Magnesium, theanine, epigenin, reishi and melatonin and more. And it helps you asleep faster and stay asleep deeper and longer. Beam has no weird chemicals. And here's the best part. I wake up sharp and not groggy. Right now Beam is offering up to 50% off their best selling Dream powder with my code [e-mail] DeLoney go check them out. That's shop beam b a m.com DeLoney and use code Deloney and and start sleeping better now. All right, let's go out to Chicago and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up Sarah?

[D]

Hi Dr. John. How's it going?

[B]

I'm doing great. How about you?

[D]

I'm doing all right. Thanks for taking some time to chat with me.

[B]

Of course. Thanks for taking some time to chat with me. What's up?

[D]

So about a month ago I let a friend of mine move in with me because she was trying to get out of an abusive situation.

[B]

Hey, do me a huge, a huge favor. Can you talk directly into your phone for me?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Is that better?

[B]

Perfect. Yes. Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So she came to me telling me about her abusive situation and I had the luxury of having a couple of guest rooms. So I offered to let her and her seven year old girl move in with me. I offered them free rent for 90 days to help them get on their feet. And at the same time she's starting to to try and build her own business. So I would really love to see her succeed with that. And I've been trying to support her through that, but recently she has been talking about just going back to him and back to that situation. And what do I tell her? Like, this is such a terrible idea.

[B]

That one's hard, huh?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What kind of abusive situation is it? Is it emotionally abusive or physically abusive or sexually abusive?

[D]

So he hasn't been physically abusive in the last year, but he has in the past. He has broke her nose, he's put his hands around her throat. Very scary stuff. And she also found out that his parents who live on their property were also housing and employing a man with multiple accounts of child sexual assault on the same property.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

With her seven year old daughter and didn't tell her about it.

[B]

Well there's, there's two complexities here. I guess what I would, what I would say is I have a firm rule that in, in when it comes to people. Well anybody be honest with you. But especially with people I love and care about, I, I'll tell the truth best I can and I'll risk the friendship and the relationship to let people know A that I see what's going on B that I'm not, I, I, it's unsafe and it would be unloving for me to not say anything. And C here's an alternative path for you.

[D]

I feel like I've been trying my best to offer that alternative path and I'm really grateful that she has moved in with started taking these steps. It just really scares me like she just spent a whole week with him on a vacation for the holiday and has already started talking about what it would look like if she were to move back in. And it just seems like a very scary situation to me.

[B]

It is the problem, the problem is she's an adult and you don't get a vote in what she does next.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And so there's, there's that grief, there's that powerless feeling.

[D]

No.

[B]

And that's where you sitting down and saying you're talking about moving back in with them. I remember you with a broken nose. I remember you knocking on my door in the rain at midnight. I remember these things and I can't get that out of my head. I think it's a terrible idea for you to go back.

[D]

I've tried to stress this to her because I actually was very close with a man in college who girlfriend and her kid and it just like really hits hard home for me and I just yeah. Feel like I can't stress it enough.

[B]

Yeah. So I'm trusting that you're stressing it. I think the part for you to be open handed about is she does, she's hearing you and doesn't care.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Right.

[D]

Yeah. Like that's heartbreaking. At the end of the day it's.

[B]

There'S no coming to terms with it. It's just, it's grief.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Because. Because you're powerless now. If, if there is a child who's being endangered. I'm gonna let her know. If you move this child back and there's a child sexual predator there, I'm gonna call every agency I can to protect that kid.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And I wouldn't situation.

[B]

I wouldn't mince words on that one nowhere no how, because I can't protect you because you're an adult, But I will go to the ends of the earth to protect that kid.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

So if I'm gonna do whatever I.

[B]

Can, but, but it's, it's just being, it's saying it in the way I just said it. I'm gonna be firm, and I'm gonna be very clear. If you don't care about your own safety as an adult, I can't stop you. I can tell you that the door is always open for you, but I can't stop you. I, I will do everything in my power if you, if you demonstrate through your actions that you don't care about your daughter and you're going to put her in the presence of a sexual predator.

[D]

Yeah. That's definitely something that I should not just let go.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I cannot let go.

[B]

Correct. And it may be that that guy's got to move out because he's got to be away from kids. X. Y. I don't know. I don't know the legalities of where you're calling from and all that, but I would look the parent in the eye and say, I'll call everybody on the planet.

[A]

Yeah, everyone.

[B]

Because I can't, I can't stop you from being an adult, But I can do everything I can to put my head on my pillow at night knowing I kept a child safe.

[D]

Yeah, definitely.

[B]

And it may be conversations about, hey, I said 90 days. Stay another six months if, if you're still trying to get back on your feet.

[D]

Yeah. I did offer her, like, a very small. She would pay a small amount of rent going forward after that, but I gave her 90 days with no rent just to help her get started.

[B]

Of course.

[D]

No, I mean holidays and the kids.

[B]

You don't have to go back and validate what you did. I mean, you're incredibly generous and kind and welcoming. You're the neighbor that we all want to have, and you're the neighbor that we all want to be.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

What most people don't have a psychology for is what do you do when you open your hands to help and someone says nah?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. And it's. This is an old statistic. So I, I, I hesitate to even bring it up because I Haven't looked. I honestly haven't looked in recent years. But the last I remembered, it might have been all the way back in grad school, years ago, that it was up to seven leavings and going back leavings and going back before an abused woman actually leaves for good.

[D]

And I try and, you know, tell myself that because I don't know what it's like, but I. I do know that that is the reality. And, you know, it's not about me. It's not personal. It's, you know, having everything to do with how just challenging it is for her to miss her community. So I have been trying to, like, En. Envelop her into my community as much as I can, but.

[B]

Well, it's less about that and more. So many abuse victims, there's a. I mean, this is wired into the nervous system. This happened when they were younger. And when somebody is good at gaslighting, when they hit you, they figure out a way to make it your fault.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Or if you read the literature on abuse survivors, the abuser builds up and builds up and builds up, and there's an explosion, and there's no greater sense of love and belonging than immediately after the explosion. And that becomes a drug.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Because there's a picture, there's a lived experience of someone who just got hurt by an abuser of. But look how nice and loving and sorry and welcoming they are now. This is who they really are.

[D]

I know. I hear it. I hear the excuses.

[B]

Right. But. But she has a lived experience of, I know how wonderful and great he is.

[D]

Right.

[B]

It's just on the back end of him breaking her nose.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And so it's a distorted reality.

[D]

She excuses it because he hasn't been physical in a year. And I'm like, he hasn't changed anything, though.

[C]

It doesn't.

[D]

I don't think it matters.

[B]

I know, but that's not the question she's asking.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it may be, hey, if this happens, like, this isn't going to be a safe place for you to come back. This is gonna be a place for you to come back to. This can't be a revolving door. Or you can put whatever boundaries you want on it, whatever you feel comfortable with. But the meta here is a. I'm always going to default to protect kids anywhere, any, any, any cost. At any cost. I'm going to go protect kids. The second thing is, is you recognizing, hey, you're an adult, and I can't stop you. But I need you to hear me say, this is going to happen again. And I'm worried this time you're gonna be in the hospital or this time you're gonna be hurt permanently. And I need to say clearly one more time, I don't think this is a good idea. You can stay here as long as you need. I'm glad that you're here. I'm glad I got some extra bedrooms for you and your daughter. And then if she packs up and walks out the door, you have to spend some time in deep grief, because that. That. That departure is not about you. And nothing's harder than really opening the door and extending a helping hand to somebody, having them say, nah, I don't want it. Not now. Sorry, Sarah. I hate this. For you maybe giving her a letter as she leaves so that she can go back and read it when things get scary again or when that feeling comes back or that heaviness comes back. She'll be able to hear your voice in that letter that just says, I love you. My front door is always open. And let's don't wait until there's blood this time. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. All right. The new year is here, and you know what that means. It's time for new towels from Cozy Earth. Throw out those disgusting old towels that your aunt gave you at your wedding or that you took from your brother's friend's roommate. I don't know where you got towels, but I know you need new ones from Cozy Earth. I don't know how they do this, but Cozy Earth towels will change your life. And that might say something about my life, but they are that amazing. When it's cold outside, a hot shower is nice, but it's even nicer when you step out and you wrap up in a luxe towel. And you can laugh at me, but until you try it, you keep your judgment to yourself. These things are made from a blend of cotton and viscose from bamboo. And they are so soft and so plush, they feel like a hug. And most every one of you needs more hugs. And if new year new you, also means getting new sheets, I want you to check out Cozy Earth's Baja bedding collection. It's soft and the colors are beautiful. Makes my bedroom feel like a resort. Cozy Earth bedding and towels are a great way to help yourself and your loved ones relax and make home one of the best parts of your life. As always, Cozy Earth bedding products come with 100 night trial. Try them out. If you don't love them, you can return them. Hassle Free. But trust me, you are not going to want to head to cozyearth.com and use code DeLoney for up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozyearth.com DeLoney use code DeLoney. All right, we have a money in marriage question. Kelly, when does this show come out? This show comes out on the 21st of January. All right, so there's still a few weeks left. I think tickets are long gone now, but if they're still not, I would love to have you grab a couple of the last tickets for the money in marriage Valentine's Day getaway here in Nashville. Surprise your spouse. Y' all get on a plane or get in the car, drive down here to Nashville. People come from all over the world. We've had international guests this, this past year. And come hang out with us for what think is the best marriage retreat on the planet. Cannot wait. All right, here's a money and marriage question. This is an anonymous question that somebody left. How do you deal with adult children who try to insert themselves in your marriage, especially when they intentionally try to divide their parents? Very simply, nobody, and I mean nobody gets between me and my wife, period. We are one. There is no separation between the two of us. And so whether it's a stranger, whether it's a friend, whether it's an adult kid and they're trying to get between me and my spouse, they are no longer have a vote. And so sometimes that looks like saying this and I've seen this done successfully. I'm going to stop you right there. I'm not going to have you say anything bad about my wife. That's my mom, that is my wife. Or stop talking about your dad like that with me. I'm a smart woman. I know that he's got challenges. But I'm not going to hear it from you any further. Thank you. End of story. Tada. What most people try to do is preserve harmony. Like, I want to have a good relationship with my adult kids and they keep talking crap about my husband or my wife and you can't do both. It's hard to keep peace when one person's declaring war on your till death do us part partner. So in that case, anyone trying to divide me and my wife, I don't care who you are, you're not going to come between us. And it usually is very strong boundaries, very strong direct conversations and adult kids unless you discover something, oh my gosh, a secret affair or money being spent that you don't know about, unless you discover that here's the deal. Your mom or your dad, they know. They know about your other parents shortcomings. They know. And bringing them up and trying to divide your parents isn't helping. Being present with them will. Giving them a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a person to have nachos with, that will. But don't divide up people. Be their biggest fan. Love you guys. Be nice to each other. See ya.