I Don’t Find My Husband Attractive Anymore

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John DeLoney Show – "I Don’t Find My Husband Attractive Anymore"

Host: Dr. John DeLoney
Platform: Ramsey Network
Release Date: July 25, 2025
Description: A caller-driven show that offers real talk on relationships and mental health challenges, encouraging listeners to engage by sending questions via voicemail or email.

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1. Rachel’s Struggle with Her Husband’s Health and Snoring

Timestamp: [00:21] – [15:12]

Caller: Rachel from Glendale, Arizona
Topic: Navigating her husband's deteriorating health habits and how his snoring has impacted their relationship and family dynamics.

Discussion Points:

• Health Concerns: Rachel expresses worry not just about her husband’s weight gain but its broader effects on his self-esteem and interactions with their children. She highlights how his increased fatigue limits their physical activities with the kids.
• Snoring Issues: Over the past year, her husband's severe snoring has led to them sleeping in separate bedrooms, exacerbating sleep deprivation and straining their relationship.
• Attempts to Help: Rachel has tried setting realistic health goals and supporting her husband’s attempts to adopt healthier habits, such as biking or fasting. However, his lack of consistency and accountability frustrate her.

Notable Quotes:

• Rachel: "I feel like I'm able to carry our kids longer and I don't complain about it as much as he does." [02:00]
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Judgment with compassion is accountability. It's awesome. It's a good thing." [02:18]
• Rachel: "Whenever I try to hold him to account... he just ignores me." [05:08]

Insights and Advice:

• Understanding Coping Mechanisms: Dr. DeLoney explains that Rachel’s husband might be using food as a coping mechanism to numb emotional struggles, drawing parallels to addiction behaviors.
• Encouraging Professional Help: He emphasizes the importance of seeking counseling to address underlying issues rather than solely focusing on superficial changes.
• Prioritizing Self-Care: Dr. DeLoney advises Rachel to prioritize her own health and well-being, suggesting that she seek support to manage the emotional toll of her husband's behavior.

Conclusion: Rachel is encouraged to seek professional counseling for her husband and herself to navigate the complex interplay between his health habits and their relationship dynamics.

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2. JB’s Battle with Mother and Mother-in-Law Dynamics

Timestamp: [20:28] – [32:17]

Caller: JB from Louisville, Kentucky
Topic: Handling tensions and passive-aggressive behaviors between her mother and mother-in-law, and the impact on her family.

Discussion Points:

• Family Tensions: JB is caught between her overbearing mother and her mother-in-law, who becomes jealous of her mother's social media posts and interactions with their children.
• Social Media Strain: The competitive nature of social media exacerbates the conflict, with her mother-in-law making passive-aggressive comments that undermine JB’s parenting and boundary-setting.
• Impact on Children: JB is concerned that these familial tensions are negatively affecting her children, potentially perpetuating unhealthy relationship patterns.

Notable Quotes:

• JB: "My mother in law is very plugged into social media... she gets jealous." [20:34]
• Dr. John DeLoney: "You get to decide whether passive aggressive comments are going to cause you one second of grief or not." [25:12]
• JB: "I don't want those grudges to be turned to the boys." [28:46]

Insights and Advice:

• Setting Boundaries: Dr. DeLoney advises JB to establish clear boundaries regarding family interactions, especially concerning the sharing of her children’s photos online.
• Communication Strategies: He emphasizes the importance of JB’s husband addressing the issues directly with his mother, reducing JB’s burden in the middle.
• Grieving Unmet Expectations: Dr. DeLoney encourages JB to grieve the idealized vision of family harmony and accept the reality, focusing on fostering positive relationships with those who are willing to engage respectfully.

Conclusion: JB is guided to set firm boundaries and communicate effectively with her husband and in-laws to protect her family's well-being, while also allowing herself to grieve the loss of her envisioned family dynamics.

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3. Juliet’s Obsession with Planning and Control in Her Marriage

Timestamp: [37:42] – [48:03]

Caller: Juliet from Boise, Idaho
Topic: Overcoming her need for excessive planning and control, which affects her relationship with her less-organized husband.

Discussion Points:

• Control vs. Trust: Juliet admits to an ingrained need to control outcomes, leading to tensions with her husband who prefers spontaneity and less structured planning.
• Marriage Dynamics: Despite a stable and loving marriage, her obsessive planning causes her husband to feel distrusted and undervalued.
• Personal History: Juliet acknowledges that her controlling behavior stems from long-standing personal habits developed before marriage, exacerbated by the challenges of being a stay-at-home mom.

Notable Quotes:

• Juliet: "I feel like I'm making my husband... think I don't trust him." [38:32]
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Underneath control is feeling a lack of safety." [38:50]
• Dr. John DeLoney: "You’re giving him a roadmap... for how he can love you and bring you this feeling of safety and security." [46:12]

Insights and Advice:

• Identifying Root Causes: Dr. DeLoney highlights that Juliet’s need for control is rooted in feelings of insecurity and lack of safety, suggesting she explore these underlying emotions.
• Collaborative Planning: He advises Juliet to frame her planning as a roadmap for mutual understanding and security, allowing her husband to feel supported rather than controlled.
• Open Communication: Encourages Juliet to express her feelings of urgency and need for structure openly with her husband, fostering a collaborative approach to planning that respects both partners’ styles.

Conclusion: Juliet is encouraged to acknowledge her need for control and address the underlying insecurities driving this behavior. By fostering open communication and collaborative planning, she can create a more harmonious and trusting relationship with her husband.

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Final Thoughts

Throughout the episode, Dr. John DeLoney provides compassionate and practical advice tailored to each caller’s unique challenges in their relationships. He emphasizes the importance of communication, setting healthy boundaries, seeking professional help when needed, and understanding the underlying emotional drivers of behavior. By addressing these core issues, listeners are empowered to navigate their relationship challenges with greater insight and resilience.

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Notable Exclusions:

• Advertisements and Promotions: The summary intentionally omits all promotional content and advertisements featured between calls to maintain focus on the core content of the episode.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Big news. New dates for money and marriage. Getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend, 2026. Get [e-mail] events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee.

[Rachel]

I am just wondering how I can help my husband be healthier and have a healthier habit without him feeling like I'm judging him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. It's interest, Interesting question, and we'll dig into what's going on with him. But I guess what I would say is I, I don't think judgment is always a bad thing. What up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show, taking your calls on your mental and emotional health and your parenting and your kids and your. Whatever you got going on in your life. The good stuff, the bad stuff, the challenging stuff, whatever you got. I'm here. Thanks for calling. Thanks for being on the show. Thanks for listening. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to talk to you. Go to john deloney.com/a S K. Let's go out to Glendale, Arizona and talk to Rachel. What's up, Rachel?

[Rachel]

Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for having me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. What's up?

[Rachel]

Well, I am just wondering your perspective of how I can help my husband be healthier and have, like, healthier habits without him feeling like I'm judging him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. That's an interesting question, and we'll dig into what's going on with him. But I guess what I would say is I, I don't think judgment is always a bad thing. I think judgment from a hierarchical position or something like, I think condescension is, is not good, but somebody calling out truth in reality is a good thing. That just means you love me and you care about me. You can do that in a way that's ugly and mean, but, man, judgment with compassion is. It's accountability. It's awesome. It's a good thing. So tell me what's going on with your husband?

[Rachel]

Well, last couple years. And I'm not, like, more I'm not concerned as far as, like, how much weight he's gained or, like, how he looks like. That's not, like, my main issue. My main issue is just how it affects his overall health. Like, how he feels about himself and then how he's able to, like, interact with, like, our kids because, like, there'll be times where our kids are tired of walking or whatever, and I feel like I'm able to carry them longer and I don't complain about it as much as he does and, or just, like, playing with our kids outside or. I don't know. So he just, like, doesn't like doing those things with our kids. Just. I don't know. And then the thing. The part about it that, like, affected our relationship is the last, like, year or so, he started snoring really bad. And I'm a very sensitive sleeper. And it was, like, right after coming off, like, a whole year of my first kid being an awful sleeper, too. So I didn't get to sleep for a year for my kid. And then it went straight into, I'm not getting asleep for a year because of my husband. And so then for, like, about a year, we slept in separate bedrooms because he snored so bad, I couldn't ever fall asleep. And then, anyways, and it. I don't know. So it just, like, affected our family, affected my health. It affected our relationship. It's affected, like, how he interacts with our kids. So it's just, like. It's that aspect of it that I'm more concerned about. And I don't know, like, how to help him get better, I guess I don't know how.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you talked to him about it in the past?

[Rachel]

So, I mean. And he's brought it up, too, so it's not just, like, him being oblivious and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, he knows. He 100 knows.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, he knows.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[JB]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it's easy to get caught up in a spiral of, yeah, I don't want to do the things that I want to do. I can't do the things I want to do. I'm exhausted. Playing with my kids, being outside makes me sweat like crazy. And then I get exhausted. And the only thing that makes you feel better is eating something. And my wife, she doesn't worry about me sleeping with somebody else. She. But she can wake up in the morning and be like, somebody had junk food yesterday, didn't they? Right. It's like, because it makes me snore. I don't know why. I. I'm sure there's some biophysiological reason that I don't. I don't know. But it swells me up, man. It makes me snore. It's like she's like, oh, somebody had a beer last night, or somebody had pizza for dinner. And so, yeah, it totally affects the house. And I've had to make dietary changes because it makes me feel better, and I sleep deeper and all that, but I want to. I want to be a good dad and a good husband. So that's impacted my actions and behavior, too. How have you tried to talk to him about it.

[Rachel]

So I just have like sat down with them and I've tried to like make realistic goals. Like, okay, well this is what your schedule is. Like how many times can you go to the gym or even just like do something active? Like he has a bike, he can go on a bike ride because he live like right next to a trail. I don't know. So I like, I'm like, when can you be more active? I try and figure that out. Or he'll say, because then he, he comes up with like half of the ideas and then I just try and like support him as best I can and he'll just say, okay, now I want to try fasting. So I'm not going to eat till noon and then I'm going to stop eating at 8pm and then like two weeks goes by and then it's like 9:30 and he's like grabbing a bag of chips from the pantry and I just look at him and I'm like, didn't you say that you're gonna be done at 8? And he goes, yeah, but I'm really hungry. Like, I just get really munchy at night. So it just like whenever I try to like hold him to account for things that he says he's gonna do, he just like ignores me or just like acts like he has no choice in the matter. He's like, oh, I just am hungry or I'm just too tired to go to the gym or you know. So I just like, don't know how to like help him get out of that like, mindset of just like he's stuck where he's, where he's at and he can't do anything to change it because he doesn't have the motivation to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So there's a couple things you can do. First of all is make sure you're prioritizing your health and your well being and your emotional well being and your spiritual well being. And like, if you need to go talk to somebody, you go talk to somebody. And if this is setting off some alarms for you, because your job was to make sure your dad or your mom was okay growing up and now you've married somebody else and you think it's your job and you weren't able to do that as a kid because no kid can do that for their parents and you're walking around feeling less than or like a failure. I want you to go talk to somebody. Okay?

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Rachel]

Yeah, that's. And I would probably talk to somebody about a Lot of other things too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. I imagine so. I imagine so. So this kind of thing never happens in a context. And I guess the way I would say it is whatever, whatever food, whatever comfort food is providing him, it is working.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it is, it is serving a role. And I've talked about this on the show with several people when John Chris is on the show, when you spend time working with folks struggling with addictions, you realize, oh my gosh, alcohol is amazing. It works. It silences those demons. Gambling makes you the pursuit of the, the score. When you're gambling, it. It works, it makes you feel a little bit less dead in your own skin when you don't like who you are or you're struggling with body image issues or if you've got a history of abuse, like any number of things. Food works.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it'll kill you. Right. And so what we don't want to do is to just go around kicking somebody's crutch out from under them when they have a, a blown out knee. Right.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what we have to do, eventually, what he has to do is get to the bottom of what is eating allowing him to numb from. Is it that he doesn't know how to be a dad? Is it that it's just comfort behavior that he got when he was a kid because his parents were obese? Is he struggling with his job? Is he struggling with his wife? Did he have a screaming, screaming kid? And I can tell you from personal experience, I didn't know kids just cry sometimes when they're 1 years old or 0. I just thought I sucked at being a dad because I didn't even have the tools to comfort my own kid.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so who knows what is going on in his mind, but the food is serving a role. And so beneath that stuff, that nine o', clock, those nine o' clock demons, if you don't have a journaling practice and you're not, have a group of guys that you talk to and hang out with, et cetera, et cetera. Nine o', clock. A way to shut those voices up is to eat a bag of chips.

[Rachel]

Yeah. And he, he's told me before that it's like, it's just like the dopamine like that he gets from eating like a sugary or like fatty or salty food because he, I mean, he has add and so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but I do too. I do too.

[Rachel]

Like, Yeah, I feel like he uses that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. That's not how dopamine works. Dopamine is about pursuit. It's not about the, it's not about the reward. In fact, it's about, I'm gonna get the chips. I get the chips. Go get the chips. They're right in there. Get the chips, get the chips. And as soon as you take that first bite of chip, your body smashes on the pain response.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's not about that. It's about the pursuit of. And so what we always tell folks, what I have to tell myself all the time I had to tell myself this morning. What we're always telling folks about dopamine is earn your dopamine. Right? And that's hard to do if you've never done that. Having a regular exercise practice is hard. It was Jocko Willinick that in a private conversation in the green room five years ago, just. And if you know Jocko, just very brief and quick. And then my conversations with my great friends at Mind Pump, those guys, my great friend Lane Norton, great friend Jordan Site. Lane gave me the term stepping over 100 bills to pick up nickels. And Jocko gave me the just show up and do it. Just like, because I was saying something about I couldn't do that many pull ups. And he goes, yeah, you can. You just don't.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I was like, oh, crap. So I started with one, with one, and I can do a whole bunch of them. But it was like, oh, yeah, you're right, it's just a thing. But going from diet to diet to this to that, what he's chasing is that dope, that pursuit of, right? And once you start doing it, it just kind of wears off. The thing you have to just keep doing is just to keep doing the same old thing over and over and over again and showing up for yourself and showing up for yourself. And here's the problem. Most folks who struggle like he's struggling right now don't believe they're worth showing up for because showing up every day is boring. Showing up when you don't want to. Motivation's a fickle, fickle mistress. Right? She, she never shows up. So you got to do it even though you're not feel motivated and yada, yada, yada. You know all this stuff.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

At the end of the day, I want you to make sure you're taking care of you. The second thing is I want you to sit down with your husband and say, hey, you've brought this up. I've brought this up. If we keep doing the same thing and we're not getting any different result, at some point it's on us. So we have to do something different. What we're doing is not working.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Either you make a blood oath, a spit shake. I promise. You promise we're going to do the same thing for 60 days, and you get to pick whatever that is. If you ask anybody who does exercise and nutrition, anybody will tell you what. What workout program like the one you'll stick to, Just do that. Unless you've got some very specific goals. But he's not at those specific goals yet, other than just to keep doing it. James Clear will say drive to the gym and just. Just commit to sitting in the parking lot for a few minutes and then go home. Just practice doing that. Right. Whatever that thing is, y' all can do that. I don't think that's going to work in your case. I think y' all need to go talk to somebody.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna hook y' all up. I'm gonna hook. I. I get. I'm gonna hook him up with a free. I think it's three months of Train well, the app that sponsors my show.

[Rachel]

Oh, my gosh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I've used it. My wife uses it. Like, my Kelly 1.0 uses it. My manager uses it. His wife. Like, it's a. It's amazing tool. And it's got. It takes all of the excuses away because it's literally a personal trainer plus a program. And you know what? The program can be anything you want. You want to lose weight, want to get stronger, want to. It can be 30 minutes. It can be an hour and a half. They'll. They dial it in for you? Okay.

[Juliet]

Yeah, maybe.

[Rachel]

I mean, that'll be awesome. Because I have, like, a background in, like, nutrition and fitness, and it's like, I tell him what he needs to do, and I'm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Rachel]

He doesn't listen to me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Yeah, I do, too. And my. You can imagine how well it went when I suggested what workouts my wife should be doing. Not well.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I mean? And as far, it's totally fine. It's totally fine.

[Rachel]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right? So all that to say is, I'll hook you up. So stay on the line here and I'll. We'll get yalls information. He can get hooked up with that app. But here's the thing. You gotta use it for 60 days.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you can't go full crazy mode. Like, hour and a half workout every day. Smash. He's gonna get hurt in two weeks, and then he's gonna sit out.

[Rachel]

Yeah. Because that's happened so many times before. I know where he's like, we'll tweak his shoulder, and then he's out for six months.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. And when you tweak your shoulder, you get up the next day and you walk. And if you tweak your ankle, you just do curls and shoulder.

[Rachel]

I mean, I tell him, I know, I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But he can't hear it from you. So here's the thing. Maybe you tell him, I don't want to lose you over this, so I'm going to stop coaching you. I will tell you that your health matters to me. Your health matters to our kids. And I want you to be at our daughter's wedding.

[Juliet]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to be able to take your grandson fishing. And at this pace, you're not going to be there. And so in the early stages, if you don't believe you're worth it, do it for them because they think you're worth it.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just keep showing up every day. And if you tweak your shoulder, go for a walk or a jog, and if you tweak your foot, just do upper body stuff. But do something that. Hey, that's. That's. By the way. That's my motto. Just do something. Some days I get 15 minutes. That's all I get. This morning, I got like, an hour and a half. It was awesome. It was glorious. I don't always get that. Right. Sometimes you just get a few minutes. But. But I think at some point you have to call it and say, I'm gonna stop coaching you. I don't want to lose our marriage over the fact that I'm telling you to do this. You don't do this. And I'm. I'm just gonna stop. And by the way, here's another thing. Take all the chips out of the house. Take the junk out of the house and fill it with fruit. Fill it with good stuff for you. And if it's in the house, I'm gonna. I'm gonna eat it. I just am. If it's in my house, I'm gonna eat it. And so I don't. And when I used to teach. When I used to teach grad classes, at night, my wife and the kids would have gluten Tuesdays or gluten Thursdays. They'd go eat pasta, and they'd go eat pizza. They. They'd go enjoy themselves. It was awesome. And we also knew that when dad eats pasta, he snores like crazy. And it keeps the whole house up and yada Yada. So there's fun ways to do it. And my daughter can't eat peanuts. Cool. Whenever she's gone, my son and I get Reese's peanut butter cups because they're amazing. Right? So it's about loving each other through each other's individual challenges. But I'm. I'm going to stop coaching you. That's not helpful. I will tell you that I've come to a point where I'm scared for you. I'm worried about your health and, and I don't want to sit in judgment of you. I want to sit in at the table with you and look across the table and say, I love you. And I just don't want to see you miserable. I don't want to see you not loving yourself. I don't want our kids to pick up on that. And our kids miss their dad. If not for you, for them at least to get going. And eventually it'll have to be for you. But I think the best place to start right now is with a counselor because it sounds like he's got some bigger demons that he needs to work through. Thank you so, so much for the call. We come back, a woman asks how to handle jealous grandmas. Oh, great. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Life can be a mess. You know what else can be a mess? Work. Your workplace can be so stressful. And when your regular life and your work life collide, your mind and your body and your soul feels it. There's plenty of data showing how workplace stress, and especially your boss can have a major impact on your mental and emotional stress. Most. Most of us just can't take a vacation from work whenever we want. But we can start with small steps to manage our work life stress and our home life stress. The first thing we gotta do is keep our bodies and relationships strong. Exercise. Sunlight. Eating right. Relationship check ins. And when you need someone to sit with you and help you navigate things moving forward. Getting a great therapist to help walk alongside you can be a game changer. If you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp is 100% online, which means it's affordable and convenient to get started started. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. And BetterHelp has an app store rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars based on over. Get this 1.7 million client reviews. So manage your workday challenges and your home life stress with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better. Help hp.com DeLoney I'm finally home for the summer after being on the road. And that means I get to sleep on my Helix mattress. And for everybody, all of us, summer is here. Sun's up earlier, the kids are all over the place. And if you're like me, your daily routine has exploded. And when that happens, what's the first thing that just goes away? Sleep. We get up really late, we stay up really late, we abandon sleep. And when I'm not sleeping well, I'm short with my wife, I'm grumpy with my kids, and everything feels harder than it should. And I know that's the same in your life, too. Sleep is not just about closing your eyes and resting. It's about showing up the next day as the kind of person you want to be and the kind of person your family needs you to be. That's why I love getting home to sleep on my Helix mattress. Before Helix, I tried all kinds of mattresses. They were too soft, too stiff. They had memory foam that just like enveloped you like quicksand. You name it, I've tried it. Helix matched me with the perfect mattress based on how I sleep and based on who I sleep next to. My wife. Yes. They've even got options for couples who need different feels on the same bed. It's incredible. I want you to take the Helix Sleep quiz. I did it. It takes less than two minutes and they're going to match you with the perfect mattress just for you. And right now I'm my audience gets extended access to their ongoing Fourth of July sale. For 27% off the entire Helix site, go to helixsleep.com DeLoney and get 27% off. That's helixsleep.com DeLoney with Helix Better Sleep Starts right now. Louisville, Kentucky. Let's talk to JB. What's up, JB?

[JB]

Hey, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good. What do you think? What's up?

[JB]

The mama drama.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, good, good, good. What's up?

[JB]

It's a battle between my mother in law and my mother where I'm kind of stuck in the middle. So a little bit of context. My husband's over the road, truck driver, so he's gone the majority of the time and I stay home with our kids and so I'm responsible for all of the pickup drop off all of the, you know, visitation, having fun summer activities that we've got going on. My mom is over the top with everything. Her two favorite lines are, well, that's what grandmas are for. And, well, I don't see the problem.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's such a Southern Louisville thing to say. I don't see a problem.

[JB]

I don't see the problem. And so it's a hundred times worse when she's on social media. Of course, this is where mother in law comes in, because my mother in law is very much a homebody and she's very plugged into social media. So every time she sees something that my mom has posted, which again, is over the top of, look what we've done. Look what I've done. Look, here's what we've done. She gets jealous. And I'm stuck in the middle of how to keep the boundaries that we've set for our kids. Because you say it all the time, like our job is to keep them safe. And so I'm trying to maintain those boundaries, but also trying to make it fair. Trying to make it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't. You can't. Okay, so here's number one. In my house with my extended family, with extended friends. There are no pictures of my kids on the Internet that I know of. You cannot post pictures of my children on the Internet. And you can't put on social media, especially. And if you say, I don't care if that's a problem, I'm just telling you right now. I've had conversations behind closed doors with some of the experts. It's a problem, especially with AI gobbling up all the images. I don't want pictures of my kids on social media. God help them. And so that solves that problem right there. That can be a hard conversation. You can tell your mom you met with an expert today, and, and from this point forward, all pictures of kids deleted off of social media, and we're not putting any more on. And if she doesn't want to do that, that's fine, but you can't have my kids, then. Gotcha. And here's where this is headed, jb. There will be an explosion at some point. The earlier you have the conversation, the smaller the, the, the, the blast radius.

[JB]

That's what I'm afraid of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't be afraid of it. It's coming. And so, like, it's kind of like I'm scared if a bear is coming. No, a bear is charging for you. The further away you shoot that bear, the. The more likely it is to not Come destroy your house. But if you wait till it gets in the kitchen, there's going to be a lot of mess and a lot of chaos and a lot more people can get hurt.

[JB]

So. Okay, so with that being said, my mother in law likes to make passive aggressive comments.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She gets to, she gets to. You can't control that. Okay, Let her be as passive aggressive as she wants to. Who cares? And if, if she's saying things that undercut you or that are ugly or whatever, your husband needs to step in with his mom and say, hey, mom, is there a problem? Like, I don't under, like, you keep saying this, you keep saying this, you keep saying this. Get to the, get to the main point. What are you worried about? I just feel like, right, y' all don't love me as much as you love the other grandma. What, Whatever. Let's just get to that stuff.

[JB]

So it does need to be him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. That's. I think so.

[JB]

Okay, that's, that's my biggest fear is that he's, he's a very black and white person, but I also recognize that he's on the road. So he doesn't have the immediate backlash that I get. He doesn't get that immediate. He can just, I mean, he's driving.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, okay, but tell me this, like the words you're using are, are so grandiose. Backlash. Like, what's the backlash like? Give me an example of something passive aggressive that your mother in law says.

[JB]

That feels like the most recent. Yeah, the most recent. We had a quick change of plans. It was completely out of our control. The boys were supposed to visit with her at a mutual cousin's birthday party and my husband stopped by to drop off the gift. And her statement was, oh, well, are they going to your mother in laws? Because of course they would be going somewhere else if they're not going to be coming to visit me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, pause right there.

[JB]

It was immediately.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Pause right there.

[Juliet]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She gets to say that you get to decide whether you let that statement wormhole its way into your heart and mind and spirit and challenge your parenting and challenge your plan making and challenge what's going to be best for your family. But trying to get her to not make those statements or let's be honest, trying to get her to not feel less than her other grandmother like her other in law. You can't, I mean, that's a, that's a fool's errand. You can't do anything about that. Let her, let her say those things and then your husband could say yeah, we. We had a whole change of plans. It's a whole thing. But, yeah, she's with my mother in law right now. We can't wait till y' all get to see him again. Well, I'm just disappointed. I know. I am, too. Y' all have a great day. And so my question for you, jb, because you're the only person that you can impact here, is why are these voices making you doubt your. What kind of great mom you are?

[JB]

I did not expect this call to get so deep so quick. I think it's because I'm trying to break unsafe cycles that I had growing up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Rachel]

And.

[JB]

But I'm also a people pleaser. So I'm also the person who is, like, trying to make everybody happy. And I don't know where that line is. I don't know where the line is to just be like, no. The answer is absolutely no. My husband has no problem with that. Me, I feel like, hey, I'm sorry that this didn't work out because we had an emergency where we had to go into town and take the cat to the vet. And I'm so sorry, but. And my husband says that's all extra work.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's a thousand percent right.

[JB]

But, hey, he is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They're all extra words. You don't need an explanation. But here's the thing. You. You started the call by telling me you have a mother that just blows you off. And I bet since you were a little kid, your feelings didn't matter. What you thought about something just didn't matter. And you spent your life making sure mom didn't get mad or mom didn't get crazy or mom didn't embarrass everybody. Mom didn't throw a fit in a restaurant because there was mayonnaise on something that she said there's no mayonnaise on. Right, Right. So you're. You're just doing what you know to keep you safe. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's not a matter of character. It's not a matter of morality. It's just a skill set. And you just need to learn a new skill set. And by the way, breaking a cycle. Just listen to that language. Breaking a cycle. When something gets broken, usually something hurts. There's no way to break a cycle without getting some sort of bruises and scars on yourself. And. And it's going to be the grandkids or the great grandkids you may never get to meet that will have more peaceful lives, because at one point you stood and turned and Faced it down.

[JB]

And that's, that's one of my biggest fears, that she's gonna do the same thing to the boys. At least my mother in law is. It's blamed at me, which again, I can handle. I'm the adult, so I can talk to my husband about it. We can have that conversation. But I don't want those grudges to be turned to the boys. I don't want those.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Listen, that's anxiety. That's you projecting a situ a scenario into the future and worrying about it in the present. Don't do that. That's a way to avoid feeling what you feel right now, which is annoyed. Because it's not supposed to be like this. Mother in laws and grandparents are supposed to be just amazing. And they're supposed to be a comforting ah. And they can be frustrating sometimes. And they are people and they have feelings too. And it's not supposed to be like this, but it is. And so when it gets to the future and you find out one of either your mother or dad or your in laws or saying stuff to your boys that you don't appreciate or you don't care for, let's deal with that then. Let's don't go there now.

[Juliet]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's stay in the now. And the now is you got a mother that's been blowing through your boundaries your entire life. And at some point you're gonna have to stare her down and say no. Or you're gonna have to let her just run her mouth. And you still have to take the cat to the vet. So who cares, right? And you have a mother in law who. Let's flip the. Flip this whole thing on its head. Who wants nothing more. She doesn't even like her other grandkids, those knuckleheaded cousins. She just likes your boys. And she gets sad when they're not around. And when she gets sad, she just says stuff.

[JB]

I guess I get that. Part of my frustration with my mother in law is that of any of the family, she probably has the most time on her hands to make an effort. And she doesn't. Like we invite her everywhere. Well, we invite everyone. We invite all sides of the family. We have an extended family because both of our families were divorced. And we invite everyone everywhere at every single time. And we offer to bring when we can. And it just seems like the effort is 100% on us to make sure that she specifically gets to see the kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, well then, JB stop and grieve the fact that you have a grandparent that doesn't want to see your kids because you have a picture in your head of what you want this thing to look like. And right now you're killing yourself trying to make that picture a reality. Stop. Because here's what's happening. Your kids feel that tension on the way to grandma's house and they feel the angst every time. And so this thing you're trying to force into the universe is not helping your kids and it's not helping your mother in law and it's certainly not helping you or your marriage stop and grieve that picture. Does that make sense?

[JB]

It does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know it's heartbreaking, but it's just reality. And if she wants to be involved, then she can be involved. Or you can send one message or one text and if she doesn't respond or doesn't show up, great. We can tell our kids, grandma, Grandma didn't make it this time. Look how much fun we're going to have. And as they get older and they begin to ask, why doesn't grandma ever want to come? Why doesn't she show up? You can say she's missing out. We don't ever know what other people are thinking or believing, but she's missing out. I guess. I guess hear me say this in, in global and, and by the way, I'm so grateful JB you called because this is pervasive all over the country right now. Millions of people are going through this exact thing right now. It's one of the most common questions I get on the show. And here's what you get to decide. You get to decide whether passive aggressive comments are going to, are going to cause you one second of grief or not. You get to choose that. Are they annoying? Yes. Are they unnecessary? God, yes. Are they frustrating? Of course. You get to decide whether you think you're a bad mom because somebody, some other one, somebody else popped off at the mouth. You get to choose your boundaries for your kids. And if you have a parent like yours or an in law that constantly blows through them, you get to choose about how that plays out. But you will have a showdown at some point. The quicker you have that, the better. And I think all of us had pictures of what it would be like with our grandparents. I had one set of grandparents that were so crazy involved and I had another set of grandparents that just absolutely were not at all. I still don't understand why. It's just. Reality just is. It's what they chose. And I like to think they missed out on some great Fun adventures. Because I like to think I was a great, fun, adventurous kid. And my brother and sister were great, fun, adventurous kids. We're all different. Could have been a cello concert. Could have been a rock show. Could have been a football game. Could have been a band concert. Could have been academic decathlon. We were all different. But they missed out, and they chose that. They get to choose that. And so I think you grieve that picture. And then I've got to decide what I'm going to do the next day, because I'm not going to continue to let that their decision make me choose misery every day. So I think that's what it comes down to is, I mean, if you got a picture of all four grandparents sitting around a table, everybody laughing, or you got divorced, you got eight grandparents, 16 grandparents. Everybody's sitting around having fun. It may just be we're going to grieve that because that picture is not going to be true. And then I'm going to go about dealing in reality and the people that want to be there. We're going to have a great time. Is that heartbreaking? Yes. Is that reality? Yeah, it is. Thank you for the call, jb. We come back. A woman wonders how to accept her husband's lack of planning. Oh, geez. We'll be right back. Poncho is back. As a supporter of this show, and I am hyped about it. If you've seen me talking on stages across the country, if you come out to one of my shows, or if you watch this show, or if you. If you recently saw me on a fishing trip with my son out in the Gulf Shores, Alabama, area, or maybe you've even seen me mowing my yard out here in Nashville, I'm almost always wearing Poncho shirts. Why? Because Poncho makes the absolute best outdoor performance shirts for men, period. I do wear them inside, but they're designed for wearing outside. Whether they are sponsoring the show or not, you are going to almost always see me wearing poncho. And of course, I love their denims and their insanely soft flannels. But now that it's super hot, I. I'm wearing Ponchos ultralight shirts every day. They're lightweight, they're breathable, and they're tough enough to handle whatever chaos my day brings. I'm talking everything from traveling to being up to my chest, fishing in the surf or doing yard work. These shirts move with you, not against you. They dry fast and don't cling or bunch up. And they come in slim or regular fits so you're not walking around looking like a circus tent or like some sausage link with a head on it. Go over to ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney and and try them out for yourself right now. New customers get 10 bucks off their first purchase. You just sign up with your email. Go to poncho outdoors.com DeLoney to get the shirts for the men in your life. Trust me, Poncho ultralight shirts are a summer essential for me and they will be a summer essential for you. All right, we are back. Hey, take two seconds. Two seconds. We have hundreds of millions of views on YouTube on these clips on pot. Listen. People listen to clips on podcasts and on Spotify, but we only have a million subscribers. A little over a million. Please take a second and hit the subscribe button on YouTube. Please take a second and hit the subscribe button. Whether you listen to Apple podcasts or on Spotify, it makes a huge difference for the algorithms and all that entails. Thank you so, so much. All right, let's go out to Boise, Idaho and we're not going to talk to Romeo. We're going to talk to Juliet. What's up, Juliet?

[Juliet]

Hi. So my question was how to like, how can I be less obsessed with planning? Especially like how my husband plans because.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is this my wife been obsessed with.

[Juliet]

Planning and been very organized and type a eldest daughter stereotype and he's not like that. And I'll just say he's been very successful before we were married and I'm sure we had everything we need and then some. So I'm very grateful for him and. But I just have like, feel that need to control come up and then like, I'll say stuff and I just feel like it shows makes him think I don't trust him and I don't want to be that wife. You know, that's like trying to nitpick and stuff just because I can't let go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So underneath control is feeling a lack of safety. So where do you not feel safe in your marriage right now? Is it financial? Is it emotionally? Is it sexually? Like, where do you not feel safe?

[Juliet]

I feel safe in my marriage. I. I think maybe it's not a marriage thing because I've been like this since before I was married. Like when I was single, I would just. And like, as a teenager, I would always be like, really obsessed with like, making stuff happen how I wanted it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why do you, why do you not like that about yourself?

[Juliet]

Because I see how well everything always works out and then I tell myself, oh, it worked out because I was obsessed with like making it happen a certain way. I don't like it about myself in marriage because it just, I feel like is making my husband, who I love, you know, more than anyone, feel like I don't trust him. And I, I do. And I have every reason to trust him. We have a house, we have. Our finances are very well in order. We have more than enough. And I just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So give me an example of you feeling like you need to. Okay, let me tell you, I've got a context here. So. And I. How long have you been married?

[Juliet]

Two years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Juliet]

And I've been a stay at home mom for eight months.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Yeah, so there's that too. Thanks for putting that out there. If anything will exacerbate an already innate internal challenge, it will be being stuck at home alone with an. With a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 month old. Good gosh. All right. So I've been married 22 and a half years. Oh, nope. We celebrate 23 and like in a month or two. So we just got done with a quick we. I was on tour for two months. I was on the road all over the place. And we put a short little beach trip with me and my wife and the kids. Here's how I plan stuff. On the way to the beach, I would try to find a hotel and I would call them on the way and be like, hey, y' all got any rooms? And they'd be like, no. And I would just call around until I landed on a place. And having a wife and kids, that isn't a good way to do that. And so one of the agreements is when we decide, hey, we're going to go for a quick weekend trip to the beach. We're going to drive, we're going to have a fun road trip and then we're going to go fishing. And my wife in that, my daughter loves to go to the beach. Whatever. So my wife and I, when we sit down and say we're going to do this thing, she loves TripAdvisor. She loves getting online, she loves digging into the deal. She loves all that.

[Juliet]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so she'll say, what do you want this trip to feel like? What's your picture of this trip? And I'll say, I want to do some fishing. I want to just be outside. I don't want to do a lot of talking. We have a 15 year old son who would give up his whole life if he could just fish all day. And so that's What I would love to do, and I'd love there to be a kitchen so if we catch something, we can cook it. And she says, great. And then I delegate that part to her. She takes it over. It brings her joy to see, like, intensely plan something and then see it come to fruition. That ruins a trip for me, having to plan it in detail. It makes it not fun. And so driving up to the place where we stayed this past weekend was so rad. And seeing that she picked between the beach and this lagoon that was close enough for us to walk and go fit, and it made me feel so loved, and it made her feel loved that I didn't try to just wing it. Like, I like to do stuff. And so here, that's. That's just a snapshot into our life. She. I'm married to someone who loves planning. Her love language is a spreadsheet and a list. And the reason that we work well together is she would just get up at the exact same time, pay every bill on time, go to bed at the exact same time, and that would be her life. Then she would just die. And I would. I don't know. I don't know when the electricity would be on or off. I would just be like, I don't know, what do you guys want? Like, that would be my whole life. It'd be chaos. And so I bring some excitement, fun into her life, and she brings order and stability into my life, and that's why we work well. And so tell me where this gets exacerbated in your life. Or is there a place where your planning and your love for controlling outcomes can be the greatest gift your husband ever, ever married into and vice versa. He can press you to have a little bit more fun and excitement and adventure than you might have otherwise had.

[Juliet]

Yeah, well, where it comes up and is exacerbated right now is like, we're in a. He's in, like, a career switch change right now. And so, like, I want to have all the urgency. And he's decided what he's going to do. He's going to go back to school and all that good stuff. And I just want to, like, plan out. Like, okay, well, you have to get this. You have to apply here. You need to go get your g. You know, but, like, he knows how to do that. I know he knows, and I just need to stop.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't think so. I don't think so.

[Juliet]

You know, this deadline is August 1st, and I know he could do it on his own. I just wanna like, you know what I mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. But hold on. Be honest. Does he miss stuff sometimes?

[Rachel]

No, I think he just is slower.

[Juliet]

At doing things than I would like. I don't feel that urgency all the time, and that stresses me out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So it's not. It's not wrong. And it doesn't make you a nag. It doesn't make you a whiner, a complainer. If you said, hey, I feel like I have more urgency around this. My picture of this next season looks like X, Y and Z. Is he going to be working while he's in school, or are you all just going to be living off savings?

[Juliet]

Well, we have enough to pay for his school all the way through, and I think he's just. And he's going to work part time or a little over part time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think it would really give you some peace in your soul if you had it budgeted out for the next two years while he was in grad school. Right?

[Juliet]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. That doesn't make you crazy?

[Juliet]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's quitting his job with you have an infant in your house. It doesn't make you nuts to be a little bit heightened.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And y' all are both. Both, like, handshaking on this investment, moving forward in his schooling. Great. But you're not crazy to say, hey, we have a little one now, and I'm feeling a little bit extra pressure. Can we map out when you're going to take this GRE and when you're going to take this exam and when you're going to hit all the application deadlines? I just need to know for my.

[Juliet]

Sanity, that's a good way to put it because that's, like, on me. Not like saying, he's doing. You know what I mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but. But here's what you're giving him. The Gottmans call them love maps. I like to call them road maps. Just because. Love map. I don't know. It just feels weird to me. But they're the goats, and so I want to give homage. What you're giving him is a roadmap for how he can love you and bring you this feeling of safety and security and in his new marriage with his new wife and his new baby. Okay, you're giving him a map. And if you say something as simple as I feel loved when. As many of the variables that we can control when we. When we have them mapped out.

[Juliet]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you can tell them, I know you feel loved when there's a little bit room for chaos.

[Juliet]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What did that look like? On our trip that we just had, we had some plans, and then this. I've never caught Spanish mackerel, but the particular beach we happen to be at, the Spanish mackerel running like crazy. And so my wife was like, jess, forget the evening plan, y'. All. You and Hank go catch fish. And I was like, I'll be back at 7:30. At, like, 9:30. I was like, it's still going. And she's like, of course it is. Stay out all night. Like, you'll have fun. We're going to bed. And so there was room for adventure and silliness. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Juliet]

Yeah, that makes sense. That's. That's a great tool that I can use to, like, feel. Yeah. Like, a little bit more safe, like you said.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But anytime you feel like I'm nitpicking and I am nagging, I want you to ask yourself, and sometimes this is just for me, putting my fist in my chest, like, or putting a hand on my chest and just asking, where do I feel unsafe right now? Is it. Do I think I'm gonna lose my job? Who do I need to go talk to? Do I feel like I'm about to buy something that I can't afford? Who do I need to, like, walk through my finances with me? Like, what is that thing that you feel out of control on? And then exhale and write it all down. Here's where I feel out of control. Or like you said, a sense of urgency. And it's okay to tell your husband, I feel a sense of urgency on this thing. And I feel like you don't have a sense of urgency on it. Can we just compare pictures of what we think the next two months are going to look like? It will make me feel loved. And if he's the kind of guy that I think he is, he's going to be like, oh, sweet. That's how you feel. Loved. Awesome.

[Juliet]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Especially if you smile and say, and I'm so glad I married you, because I'm gonna have a lot more fun in my life just because you're in my life. And also, I'm already projected out if our daughter's gonna have any diapers over the next two years while you're working part time. I just want to see it on a spreadsheet. Can we just see that? Can we just see that, please? Can we just see that? Right? That doesn't make you a bad wife or annoying or whatever. If you start saying, I control every variable and I do everything without procrastinating and whatever, and I'm superior to you. That's when you've got a problem. But I don't hear that at all. I don't hear like you think you're better than him. I just hear that you do it differently than he does. You've both been successful and you want to loosen up a little bit. Awesome. You loosen up not by forcing yourself, but you loosen up by feeling safe. And you can have that conversation with him. Do that tonight. Just say, hey, this will make me feel loved. How can I love you? That's a great place for a young married couple to start. We'll be right back with something great. Everything is about technology and digital footprints and people having all your information, but you don't even know it. Does that terrify you? Every email you send, every text message you send, every website you go to. Listen, that's why I gotta tell you about my friends that Delete Me. Do you feel kind of like I do that? Our digital footprints, the emails we go, the websites we go to, the apps we use, are starting to feel more like digital trails leading bad guys right back to us. Right now, scammers are using phishing attacks. That's phishing with a pH, where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you or pretending that they want to help you out. You might get an email, a text, or a phone call, and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's looking out for you. They're not. With all of these new technological advancements coming at us a billion miles an hour, no one is really safe anymore. And what are we supposed to do? Listen first, you can control what you can. You can learn about how to be careful online and offline. And you can sign up with Delete Me. I use and personally recommend Delete Me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. I. Especially with bad guys. That way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data and selling it behind my back. Delete Me has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me, and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks, stop the harassment, and stop the other online threats before they even start and take control of your digital privacy. With Delete me, go to joindeleteme.com Deloney today. Or for 20% off their annual plan, that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's right. Go to joindeleteme.com deloney right now. All right, we're back with something great. Am I the problem? Kelly 2.0. Go for it.

[Kelly 2.0]

All right, this is from Lindy in Reno, Nevada. She writes, my boyfriend of about one year used to frequent a local pub before we were together. Recently, he went to the pub without me to have a beer with the guys. And the female bartender asked him where he'd been and that she hadn't seen him in a while. He replied, oh, you know, the old ball and chain. I asked him why he would say that and if he felt like I weighed him down. He replied it was just a joke, but I feel very disrespected. Am I the problem?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're doomed as a species. Oh man, I'm telling you, we've got to learn to take a joke. We've got to learn to take a joke and to laugh more. I can't tell you what to feel. Listen, if, if him saying the old ball and chain or my old lady. I had a girlfriend one time that I call, I used to call, I used to call everyone. I would date my old lady. Like, I just, I don't know. That was just a thing. I don't even know where I got that from. She said that made her feel so special. Like, like she was like, like a, like an entrenched girlfriend. Like I'm your old late. Like she loved that. And I remember when I was like a brand new newlywed, I was speaking at some event and there was a musician there and I said a couple of jokes about my new wife. You know, she's not here so I can tell the jokes. And he said at the, at the, like, we were just out backstage and he said, and, and he's still my friend to this day. And I remember being amazed that he had the courage to say this. He just said, hey, I didn't like that. I looked at him and my jokes were, weren't. They weren't, they weren't. They were kind of mean spirited. They were just kind of, just jokes like. And he said, there's two kind of guys in the world, one that bags on their wife at the water cooler and guys that don't. I like being around guys that don't. And that was all he said. And I remember that changed me forever. And there's a difference between making mean spirited jokes about your wife or your girlfriend and good grief, just small talk. It's just like haven't just. God almighty. So here's the thing. I can't tell you what to feel. If hearing your boyfriend of a year call you the old ball and chain, if that just causes a trauma response in you, then have the courage to tell him. This makes me feel small when you say this. There is another way to look in that, at that and say, I'm his girlfriend. Of course I'm not a ball and chain. He's hanging out with the boys, being silly, and he's being silly. So I don't know. My gut tells me, take a joke and let's all just laugh a little bit more in our lives. And also, if there's a specific thing that hurts your feelings, feel free to say that out loud. So that's kind of what I think. What do you think, Kelly 2.0 if your husband called you the old ball and chain, would that break your heart? Would that make you sad?

[Kelly 2.0]

I'd be like, yeah, I'm the old ball and chain. We just got married. You need to be at home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're not doomed. We just need to laugh more. Love you guys. Bye.