I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married

Summary

Summary of "I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married" Episode of The Dr. John Delony Show

Release Date: February 3, 2025
Host: Ramsey Network's Dr. John Delony
Title: I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married

---

Introduction

In this episode of The Dr. John Delony Show, host Dr. John Delony delves deep into the complexities of marital relationships and the challenges posed by infidelity and substance abuse. Through candid conversations with callers Devin and Amy, Dr. John provides insightful advice on navigating emotional turmoil, setting boundaries, and seeking personal agency within troubled marriages.

---

Devin's Struggle with Emotional Infidelity

Timestamp [29:23]: Devin calls in expressing his concerns about his wife's emotional availability and potential infidelity.

Key Discussion Points:

• Emotional vs. Physical Infidelity: Dr. John emphasizes that infidelity isn't solely about physical relationships. Emotional disengagement can be equally damaging. He states, “She's not being a person of fidelity in your marriage” ([29:57]).

• Perception of Threats: Devin shares how his wife insinuates leaving without direct communication, leveraging his fear of abandonment. Dr. John advises dismantling this manipulation by taking proactive steps to rebuild the relationship.

• Building Personal Agency: Dr. John outlines a structured approach for Devin to reclaim his role in the marriage. He suggests a retreat-like framework where both partners can openly discuss their feelings and set actionable goals for the upcoming year ([32:07]).

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John: “This is the same thing. You're like, yeah, she not sleeping with anybody. It's similar to guys who spend every waking moment that they're not at work on the golf course... That's cheating.” ([30:14])

• Dr. John: “She's already left you. She just left you in your own house. She's left you physically, she's left you emotionally, she's left you spiritually. She's left you.” ([35:43])

---

Amy's Battle with Her Husband's Alcoholism

Timestamp [44:16]: Amy reaches out seeking guidance on addressing her husband's escalating drinking problem.

Key Discussion Points:

• Ineffective Coping Mechanisms: Amy admits to stonewalling her husband during his bouts of excessive drinking, which only exacerbates the situation. Dr. John identifies stonewalling as a destructive defense mechanism, likening it to “drinking poison, hoping he dies” ([49:05]).

• Setting Clear Boundaries: Dr. John advises Amy to establish unequivocal boundaries within her home, such as enforcing a 100% alcohol-free environment. He stresses the importance of Amy making decisive choices that prioritize her well-being and the safety of her children ([50:31]).

• Encouraging Professional Help: Recognizing that her husband may lack the capacity to overcome alcoholism independently, Dr. John recommends seeking professional treatment programs. He emphasizes that true change requires commitment and accountability ([52:19]).

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John: “Stonewalling is like that old AA saying, like you're drinking poison, hoping he dies.” ([49:05])

• Dr. John: “You deserve to have a house that's safe and he deserves to feel a peace in his own skin.” ([58:55])

---

Strategies for Rebuilding Marital Relationships

Timestamp [37:00] to [55:07]: Dr. John offers Devin and Amy comprehensive strategies to address their marital issues.

Key Strategies Discussed:

• Commitment to Self-Improvement: Dr. John encourages both callers to focus on their personal growth. For Devin, this means taking responsibility for household duties to relieve imbalance. For Amy, committing to sobriety herself can serve as a supportive gesture for her husband ([38:14]).

• Structured Communication: Implementing a retreat-like meeting to map out relationship goals can facilitate open and honest dialogue. Dr. John outlines a four-part discussion structure focusing on appreciation, honesty about feelings, celebration of each other, and practical steps to achieve their goals ([32:07]).

• Empowerment Through Boundaries: Establishing and maintaining clear boundaries ensures that both partners understand their roles and responsibilities. Dr. John highlights the necessity of enforcing these boundaries without using them as punitive measures ([49:27]).

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John: “You deserve to be married to a man that is whole who can show up and protect and provide and do all these things and be totally connected to you.” ([37:00])

• Dr. John: “She's already left you. So your plans aren't working. Your attempts to take hold and to get her to not leave, they're not working. She's already left.” ([36:04])

---

Community Engagement and Listener Stories

Timestamp [57:05] to [66:44]: Dr. John engages with listener stories, providing practical advice and fostering a sense of community.

Key Highlights:

• Jackson's Positive Interaction: A listener named Jackson shares a heartwarming interaction with an elderly woman, showcasing the power of empathy and genuine conversation. Dr. John emphasizes the importance of facing discomfort head-on to build meaningful connections ([66:03]).

• Encouragement for Personal Growth: Dr. John underscores the significance of being demonstrative and communicative in relationships, drawing parallels between personal interactions and broader relational dynamics ([63:33]).

---

Conclusion

In this episode, Dr. John Delony adeptly navigates through the intricate issues of emotional infidelity and substance abuse within marriages. By providing nuanced advice, setting clear boundaries, and encouraging professional intervention, Dr. John empowers listeners to take control of their relationships and personal well-being. The heartfelt exchanges with Devin and Amy offer valuable lessons on resilience, communication, and the pursuit of a healthy, balanced marital life.

---

Notable Takeaways:

• Emotional fidelity is as crucial as physical fidelity in a relationship.
• Setting clear, non-punitive boundaries is essential for personal and relational growth.
• Professional help can be a pivotal step in overcoming substance abuse challenges.
• Empowerment and personal agency are key to rebuilding and sustaining healthy relationships.

---

Contact and Resources: For more guidance or to share your questions, listeners are encouraged to leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291 or email [e-mail].

Transcript

[Dr. John]

Because. Because you don't. You're not supposed to have an interpreter. You're supposed to learn to be mature and just say the thing.

[Devin]

Yeah.

[Dr. John]

Right. And, like, be an adult. And if somebody is always threatening to leave you, they have left.

[Devin]

Yeah.

[Dr. John]

They're out and they aren't in. And so you can't build anything.

[Amy]

Me.

[Dr. John]

All you can do is. Is be drugged behind whatever truck she's driving down the road.

[Devin]

Yeah.

[Dr. John]

And so I guess what I would tell you is this isn't. She's not being a person of fidelity in your marriage.

[Devin]

Yeah. Right. In this way. Correct. Yes.

[Dr. John]

She's not. Maybe she's not sleeping with somebody, but. Sure. This is.

[Devin]

I know what you mean.

[Dr. John]

This is the same thing. You're like, yeah, she not sleeping with anybody. Like. Like, here's the thing. It. It. It's similar to guys who spend every waking moment that they're not at work on the golf course.

[Devin]

Yeah.

[Dr. John]

And their wife is getting just. Just scraps. And then when you call them on it, they're like, what? What? Are you kidding me? For real? I do all this, and it. It's that. That's not being a person. That's cheating. You're just cheating with the golf course. Right?

[Devin]

Yeah.

[Dr. John]

What's happening to you is the same thing. It's just. Hey, are you said you're gonna leave me and these two kids? Are you gonna leave? Oh, no. I don't know, man. Maybe, like, that's. That's infidelity. That's cheating. That is not giving you her full self. And so you're eating, like, you're just feeding on scraps and you're starving to death.

[Devin]

Yeah, I think that's completely true. And to kind of give you a little more depth on that, she's created this devious way in which she doesn't say, like, I don't know if she actually said directly, I believe, but she very strongly, like, intimates that. And she knows that that's my greatest fear. But then, like, when I've brought this up to her throughout the process, the other kind of smaller fights for this nuclear one, I directly articulate, like, I'm afraid that you will leave if I don't give you what you want. And she would kind of almost do this, not to overuse the word, but gaslight, why would I leave? I'm not going to leave. And then we get to the next fight, and she's like, you know, I really can't do this anymore. I don't want to do it. And so it's like, she never says, like, I will leave, but she. She. She lays that thought in my head. And the reason why she'll never say, hey, hey, listen, Devin, I'm all in, is because if she does that, she's putting down that. That weapon she's always had, which she knows is my greatest insecurity. Like, I'm afraid you're going to leave.

[Dr. John]

So what if you do? What if you take all the bullets out of that weapon?

[Devin]

How so?

[Dr. John]

Like, we're recording this. We're coming up on the new year.

[Devin]

Yes.

[Dr. John]

What if you let her know today I've got child care, and we're going to take a Saturday and part of a Sunday, and you and I are going to map out 20, 25 together. And here's how we're going to map it out. We're going to map it out in four ways. We're going to spend the morning talking about how we see each other. We're going to talk about things that we see the other person doing that are great. Then we're going to go to another restaurant. We're going to go get coffee. We're going to get morning brunch or whatever, and we're going to talk about known. What are the things going on in your guts? Are you happy in this home that we're creating together? How can we love each other better and both people get to speak? Then we're going to go to lunch. And then either during lunch or after lunch, we're going to talk about celebration. Who do we want to be this year? What's that going to look like? Identity. How are we going to celebrate each other? How are we going to cheer each other on and become each other's biggest cheerleaders? And then the fourth one is nuts and bolts. How are we going to make this thing happen? What must. What must go away so that this new year is becomes true? Seeing known Celebrate and challenge. Okay, and let's say you put that on paper. Forget her little threats. If you think those threats are. They're just. They're toothless tigers. Then at some point, you have to be the adult and say, all right, whatever. I'm gonna keep going. Because y'all are in this weird dance. She loses power, and so she pokes and you over, like, overcorrect. She's gonna leave and you shut down for a month and she gets back on top. And then. Then you slowly start becoming a great husband again, and you're back engaged with the kids. And then she feels like she's Losing it. So she's like, well, I don't know.

[Devin]

Yeah, it's. I, I feel like she's, I think she looked into like. I don't know, I don't think that she necessarily looked into like divorce or anything, but I think she's like envisioned that and she realized how hard it is. So now she's, she's not planning actively leaving. But my concern is that the next time, you know, three months from now, and she's like, hey, let's do whatever. And I go, we can't do that. Then she's not getting what she wants, she's not getting fed. That then it's going to be another fight and then this will come up at some point. But to your point about, if I may, the kind of like the retreat you laid out, I kind of did that in a sense. Not as well as you did, obviously, because you do this for a living. But like during the period, the past month of us being in this weird dance was our wedding anniversary. So I kind of, I got us like a room at a hotel with a restaurant. Just kind of like have almost like a start over type retreat thing kind of with this, with what you just kind of laid out in a framework in mind, but not as well. And she first, she declined. She said, well, we shouldn't go away together. It's not a good idea. And I said, why? And she's like, well, because we have all these problems. I was like, I just kind of walked. I was like, okay, whatever you want to do, but I don't have to cancel the reservation until next day. So then she waits until that day and she goes, all right, we can do it. We can go. We have to talk about things. And I said, okay. And then we went and we did it. We didn't talk about things. I didn't bring it up to be fair, but I was kind of waiting like, where are you going with this? So we just had like a decent evening, but I was like, why didn't we do this? What's, what's going on? Like, are you not want to talk about you over. I keep trying to read tea leaves, which are stupid.

[Dr. John]

Go right through patient. Because here's the thing. If she's going to leave you, she's going to leave you.

[Devin]

I totally agree.

[Dr. John]

I think she's already left you. She just left you in your own house. She's left you physically, she's left you emotionally, she's left you spiritually. She's left you. She's moved out. She just did the math. She probably sat with somebody and they did math, and she's like, oh, I'd have to go to work.

[Devin]

Well, and so if I could just expand on that for a second, not to. Not that I'm great about anything, but, like, I do roughly 9 out of 10 things in the house. So, like, meals, cleaning, cooking. I do so much. So I feel like she probably thought my life would be much more difficult. Might as well just live here and have them do everything. But I feel like if I stand up and, like, pull back a little bit and what I'm doing, because I'm also overwhelmed with the amount of stuff I'm doing because it's completely unbalanced, then she. I always feel like she's going to leave. So I just. Everything is kind of through the lens of, like, if I stop doing this one nice thing I do, is she going to leave? And I have to get, like, regain my personal agency and take power back in my life. But I'm just. I don't know. I'm so, like, terrified now. After years of dealing with this and this very acute, like, recent situation, I just don't even know how to start except saying, like, hey, One of the reasons that conversation from a few months ago. What are you doing? Are you leaving? And then I feel like it won't be resolved because she'll just kind of be like, oh, well, you know, maybe I will. I don't know.

[Dr. John]

So now let's flip the whole thing around. Then we're going to go on a retreat, and we're going to talk about 2025. And that's when you lay out. In 2025, I am you, Devin. I'm committed to being. Well, to being the best father and the best husband I can be. And that means I have to be honest about my time. I have to be honest about my work. I have to be honest about my commitment here at home, domestically, like, with. With chores and stuff like that, and how I am seeking to be the best person I can be. Exercise, sleep, and all that. So beginning January 3rd or January 1st or whenever, I'm no longer doing X, Y and Z. I'm going to do dinner. I'm going to do my laundry. I'll do the kids laundry. I will make the bed in the morning. I'll mow the lawn. I'm going to ask you to be responsible for after dinner cleanup. We can figure out who's going to go to the grocery store. We can figure that out, or you start nailing these things down. But if you do it as punishment, then you become her.

[Devin]

Correct? That's my problem. Yeah.

[Dr. John]

We're not doing it for punishment. We're doing it so you can be whole finally. You've never been whole in this relationship. And so you have to hear me say, you're worth being whole. And here's the thing. My buddy Henry Cloud, like the, like the goat psychologist, right. Who wrote the book Boundaries, he has a great story about a talking with a father about his son who's just living this crazy life. And he says, I don't know what to do. I give my son everything. I give my son everything. My son everything. And Dr. Cloud has this great response. He said, it sounds like your son needs to get some problems.

[Devin]

Yeah.

[Dr. John]

So your wife doesn't have to do anything. And you continue to cash out every bit of agency you have because this isn't a whole relationship. She's not a person of fidelity. And so what you have to say is, okay, this year I'm not going to punish you. I'm not gonna. I'm not making dinner anymore. No more laundry. No. When I look at my calendar, I will exercise for an hour a day. I will take my kids to breakfast and then get them to school twice a week. I will work. And I'm also going to get that graduate degree I've been. I've been thinking about. And so here's what that's going to cost, and here's what time that's going to take. So here's going to be the jobs left undone that as the co creator of this household, this is going to be your responsibility. Are you in? And by the way, now that we're here, what are the things you need to be whole this year? And how can I help fill, like, scaffold those things? How can I walk alongside you? How can I love you better? And what you're going to get is somebody feeling in real time, this isn't just a power play anymore. This isn't just sitting on the couch lobbing grenades. I might. I may not be here tomorrow. It's not that. This is like, oh, hours, time, commitment, participation, accountability. The stuff marriage is made of. And here's the thing. You got to hear me say this. She's already left you. And so your plans aren't working. Your attempts to, to take hold and to get her to not leave, they're not working. She's already left. She just still lives at the house. And you pay for everything. The goal here is to say you deserve to be married to A man that is whole who can show up and protect and provide and do all these things and be totally connected to you. Here's what I'm going to need to do that. And I deserve to be married to somebody who's whole who wants all in on this thing. What do you need? I'll do everything I can in my power to make that true. My guess is that it's just going to like. It's kind of like you have a really dirty windshield and you're flying down the highway at 95 miles an hour and you're. And you're afraid you're about to go off a cliff and you're scared if you clean off this windshield, it's going to show you that you're going off a cliff. It might, but the reality is you don't know where you're going because the windshield's so dirty. So we're going to get in a room and we're going to clear off the windshield. And maybe you're finding that you've already driven off the cliff and your car is just spinning its wheels as it's careening towards the ground. Or you might find out that there's hundreds of miles of empty road ahead of you that you can keep driving together. But she has no incentive to change her life because she likes her life as it is because she does nothing. She just pulls you around on a leash and she's always got this atom bomb in her pocket, which is, well, maybe I shouldn't be here tomorrow. And for you it's all right. That's not going to hold power over me anymore. I'm going to go do the next right thing so that I can be whole. And that's the only path you'll have towards hope, towards building something new. Is saying, here's the role I'm going to play in building. Here's the role I am asking you to build, to take on in our building. Are you in? And dude, call me after this meeting, call me after it, because this is going to be a truth telling, a clearing. And maybe there's some ground rules. No leaving, no grenade throwing, no bombs, no what? We're just going to lay this thing out here. I need both of us to be adults in this thing. Been a tough, tough year and I've been chasing you forever. I'm gonna stop chasing. We're gonna anchor it. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. Good folks. The modern world exposes us to things that our bodies had no idea even existed up until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs. These things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bon Charge products all the time, literally every single day. And I love them. And here's why you'll love them, too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help your recovery from aches and pains, transform your skin skin, and help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them all the time. And Bon Charge has a ton of other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, 100 blackout sleep masks, and more. Go to boncharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to say 15%. That's B O N C H A r g e bond charge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. Go right now. All right, let's go out to Oklahoma City and talk to Amy. What's up, Amy?

[Amy]

Hi, Dr. Jelani. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. John]

Of course. What's up?

[Amy]

Sorry.

[Dr. John]

No, you're good. Take a breath. You're all good.

[Amy]

I guess I'm struggling to figure out how I can address my husband's drinking problem in a way that I guess will stick with him. We've had several instances over the past, I want to say, four years to where his drinking becomes more and more excessive. And it'll peak in an instance where he will speak to me disrespectfully because he's had too much to drink. And then I have a habit of stonewalling him for a couple of days. And then once I feel like I'm able to talk to him, I'll sit down and talk. He'll admit he has a problem and he needs help. And the best that I've gotten from him is he'll try to drink less. This last time that that happened was the night before Thanksgiving. He called me, for lack of a better description, the C word, out of frustration with me, and I stonewalled him for about three days. And when we finally sat down again, he'd admitted he had a problem, he needed help. He asked me what I needed from him. And I told him I need a sober home, 100% sober. I don't care what people think or say about it, but in my home, I don't want any more alcohol. He was very hesitant and I said that he didn't want to impose our issues on anyone. And I knew at that point, like just trying to go back and forth with him to get him to do things my way wasn't going to work. And we agreed on he was going to get sober. That was maybe about a week ago at this point. And a couple other things happened that were upsetting to me, but I kind of just had to put it to the side because I don't want to seem like the one that's being over overly critical with him.

[Dr. John]

What were those? What were those things? What were those things?

[Amy]

So we had that discussion, I want to say Sunday after Thanksgiving, we were having friends over. A couple nights later on Thursday, he calls me while he's out in town and asked me if I wanted a bottle of wine for dinner. And I just had to stop. And it took everything in me to not explode on him over the phone because we just had this whole sobriety talk a couple days ago. So I said, no, I don't want any wine, I'm fine. And he said okay. And he shows up to the house with a six pack of non alcoholic beer. And once again it took everything inside me to not explode on him. And the only justification I gave myself was, well, at least he's trying. It's non alcoholic beer. Because I didn't want to ruin the night. I knew that if I said something it would just turn into this whole thing. We went through the night, he had two non alcoholic beers and even he put a sleeve on it because he didn't want our friends to see that it was non alcoholic beer. Because they do drink. I mean, everyone we know drinks. It went fine. I came to work. We're both shift workers, so we'll work for 48 hours at a time and sometimes we'll have alternating days off to where he's alone on a day that I'm working or I'm home on a day that he's working. And Saturday comes along, I get off Sunday morning. And then I realized a couple of things have happened while I was gone on that Saturday that he is neglecting to come forward to me about. And this point and it does involve alcohol and I don't know how to approach him. And I've once again been stonewalling him for about three days now.

[Dr. John]

All right, so let's. Let's start here. No more stonewalling.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John]

That's a cheap way to regain what you feel like is power in your house, but it's not.

[Amy]

Absolutely. I feel like I've tried every other.

[Dr. John]

Way, and, yeah, it doesn't work. And in a weird way, you bear. You bear the brunt of it.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John]

Stonewalling is like that old AA saying, like you're drinking poison, hoping he dies.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John]

Right. You feel terrible, you feel annoyed. You feel like you can't go in your own bathroom or your own bedroom or your own kitchen, and he just is annoyed that you're acting that way again. So let's make a commitment now to not stonewall. Okay?

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John]

And that means you remaining empowered in your own socks and shoes. It's my house. When you say I want a sober house or I want sober this or I want. I think we're past that, because everybody can interpret that in its own way.

[Amy]

I think.

[Dr. John]

I think you need some very clear boundaries for your home and for your marriage. And whenever we hold clear boundaries. And I'll walk you through some of them, but whenever we hold clear boundaries, we have to know that other people don't have to hold our boundaries. He may leave, and that's a scary, scary proposition. But you are quickly becoming somebody that you don't recognize or respect because your house is increasingly less and less safe. Fair?

[Amy]

Yes.

[Dr. John]

Okay. My guess is your husband does not have the capacity to stop drinking on his own. He needs to go see some. A professional or go to a treatment program.

[Amy]

I've tried to. I've tried to get them or not get him. I've tried to tell him that the methods that I've been trying are all these talks when it comes to, like, a breaking point.

[Dr. John]

That's what I mean about boundaries. That's what I mean about boundaries. Here's how you cast that in Choices he can make. You and I are talking right now. On a Wednesday morning, a conversation has something like tonight after dinner. Let him know we have a hard conversation we have to have tonight. And if you want to, you can say, I know about Saturday. I know about all the stuff that happened on Saturday. And we're not going to debate it or discuss it. From this point forward, you have a choice. You can choose me, you can choose this home, or you can choose alcohol. What that means is by Friday, you will be at an inpatient or an outpatient treatment program, or you are choosing to no longer live in this house. And in that way, you're not kicking him out. He's a grown man. He has to make a choice. And if you're doing shift work and you're any kind of first responder, shift work, 48 hours on, 40 hours off, that kind of thing, then there's a ton of employee assistance programs available.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John]

And there's a ton of ego.

[Amy]

I feel like that's the only. That's the only avenue that I haven't tried.

[Dr. John]

Because you're scared of what? He's gonna bond. Well, I know, but you've been trying to control his responses for X number of years. You have to at some point say, this isn't working. I can't do it. It's just getting worse. Yeah. And by the way, he doesn't like who he's becoming either. I don't know. Any man that wants to get to a place where they're having to hide from the life they live in so much so often that they end up just belittling their wife. Any man that wants to be in that situation, it just feels powerless to get out. And this is one of those iron sharpens, iron moments. You can choose to live with me and be my husband, which I hope so much you will. You will be in a program by Friday.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John]

Or you will choose to. To move out of this house and leave, Period. Because let me say this as boldly as I can. You've lost the marriage that you had. It's over. When a man calls his wife the C word after Bender number 25, that marriage, there's a period at the end of that marriage. It's over. Y'all can build something new, something extraordinary, and in Yalls case, a life that is stone sober. And anyone who goes through any sort of sobriety will tell you they've got to change friendship circles and they got to cut people out of their life or give people the opportunity to fade out. And that's scary and scary and scary on top of scary.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John]

But right now, he's choosing these barbecue buddies over his wife.

[Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John]

And you deserve more than that. He does too.

[Amy]

I know. With the best thing after this conversation with him be for me to go sober as well. I mean, I, I, I can. I think I acknowledge that I don't have the issue with alcohol or the relationship with alcohol that he does. I'm willing to be 100% sober for the rest of my life. It doesn't. I don't have to think twice about that.

[Dr. John]

I think right now, lest you make grand proclamations he needs to know that you'll walk alongside him.

[Devin]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. John]

My wife is a serial killer in that she can buy a bag of Reese's Pieces and eat four of them and then put them in a drawer and go on about her day. I don't know how that's humanly possible, because once the bag is open, I will eat the entire bag and then I'll go figure out a way to find some more. And when I say, hey, I'm out of control with how I'm eating, I'm not being a good steward of my body. And it's not just aesthetic. It makes me not sleep well. It makes me not a good dad. It makes me a grumpy husband. I need to cut it out. She says, awesome, sweet. And it disappears from our house everywhere. But also, I'm not going to begrudge her a piece of pie with her friends. Or, I mean, she can eat whatever she wants to. Right? But it's her honoring me as my ride or die in this particular season. I'm in. So I think you making the big, like, I agree to go sober for the rest of my life, That's a lot. I don't think he. I don't think that's necessary right now. I think right now you can say, I'm done drinking. As for me in this house, and I hope with all of my guts that you choose me and you choose this home and you choose this family because you've been trying to make his choices for him for a long time and then it doesn't work. He has to choose.

[Amy]

Yeah, you're right.

[Dr. John]

And if you've made a bunch of, like, Swiss cheese boundaries that have holes in them and you haven't really held them, he'll probably test them, see if you're serious. You might get wasted on Saturday when you're at work. Do you all have kids?

[Amy]

I guess he has two from the previous marriage. They're with us part time, you know, every other weekend.

[Dr. John]

Okay. So maybe you have to make a hard decision about whether you're going to move or not, because he might try to call your bluff. But I think it's. I don't see another path forward than some. Some hard directive action.

[Amy]

Yeah, I've. I've thought about all the scenarios, and I guess the one thing kept me from giving him that ultimatum is the fear that he won't follow through with the getting treatment. And then I would have to either him move out or remove myself from the home because I don't want it to affect the children.

[Dr. John]

And what I would tell you is it's already affecting the children. I know you already don't feel safe in your house emotionally and verbally. And if you. You know this more than me, but if you go back and look at trends and escalation, you might see this thing creeping further and further towards your house, getting less and less safe physically even. And so it will come to a head. My goal, and it's kind of like the national debt right there will come a day. My dream is we all decide now that we're gonna have 10 years, 15 years of tough seasons to get this thing under control. Or we can just keep driving along. At one day, this thing crashes similar. This crashes in your house at some point.

[Amy]

That's what I want to avoid. I don't want to spend 15 years. Like, I know a lot of people in his family and has friends and a lot of your. A lot of callers that I've heard on your show where they've been going through this for 10, 15, 20 years. I'm trying to not spend the rest of my life trying to get over this hurdle, you know, and nip it in the butt now before it does end up in divorce. It just frustrates me.

[Dr. John]

It is not by your hand, but in your lap. You didn't ask for this, and here it is. I'll walk with you any way that I can and call me anytime you want. And if he wants to call me, I'd love to talk to him too. And if he's first responders, I especially know those guys. Tell him to give me a call. I think, I think the, the big lesson here is the thing you're trying to hold together to keep duct tape and, and baling wire and string, like, keep it held together. It's already in pieces. So the control you think you have over, it's an illusion. And in fact, the pieces are beginning to scatter in the wind. The question is, will you let those pieces scatter? And when you say, here's the foundation, I'm gonna. I. I'm building a new house on. I hope you'll co. Co build it with me, but you gotta go get help because this can't be a part of our life. That's going to be a scary, scary thing. And there will be starts and stops. And you're going to have to look at the steps he takes, and you're going to have to look at his commitment. You're going to look. Have to look at his remorse and his willingness to say I'm sorry. I'm going to try again. I'm going to try again. I'm going to try again. Because sobriety is a roller coaster. It's not just a straight line all the time. You deserve to have a house that's safe and he deserves to feel a piece in his own skin. And both of y'all have proven we can't do this on our own. So professional help is the next right move. We thinking about you, Amy. Let me know how the conversation goes. And hopefully he chooses 2025 as to be the year that he is finally for free. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. You've probably heard people talk about the different kinds of flags in friendships and romantic relationships. Red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, sure, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors, but to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values. But when you grow up in challenging environments, or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values, what is important to me in a relationship, and how will I show up to honor myself and love my future partner? Forget all the different flags on someone else instead. How can you learn what you value? Therapy can be a great way to figure out what you value, learn what you're looking for in your relationships and then decide your boundaries and your non negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not a right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. So whether you're dating, you're married, you're building friendships, or just working on yourself, try BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better. Help.com DeLoney we are back. Kelly what's something that great? I don't. I didn't say that right. What's something great that happened? You have something on the Internet, something.

[Kelly]

Great that didn't happen was that outro right there.

[Dr. John]

I did not do a good Job.

[Kelly]

That's okay. All right.

[Dr. John]

I found this new thing on the. On the. On the soda machine downstairs. Soda. Because I'm a 1940s New Yorker. Down the Coke machine downstairs, you can just get soda water.

[Kelly]

Yes.

[Dr. John]

That way I can get my. My bubbles.

[Kelly]

Yeah. Cheaper than Topo Chico.

[Dr. John]

Topo Chico. Dude, you should see the Microplast account on Topo Chico.

[Kelly]

Maybe tell me that.

[Dr. John]

My top 15 heartbreak of the year.

[Kelly]

You think it's any better coming out of that fountain drink thing?

[Dr. John]

I don't have any data on it, so I'm just gonna. The story I'm gonna make up is.

[Kelly]

That, yes, I. I totally approve of that. Ignorance is bliss.

[Dr. John]

It is shipped in plastic, and it is cooked in plastic and dispensed in plastic. But.

[Kelly]

But it's probably fine.

[Dr. John]

I don't have any data, so I'm gonna say it's better.

[Kelly]

All right, so we've got a cool crap that happened from Jackson in Hampton Falls, New Hampshire. Jackson writes, I was in the line at the grocery store behind an elderly woman. I mentioned that I like her Buc EE shirt. It's a rarity here in New Hampshire. She chuckled and said that she got it with her husband years ago, and today was the anniversary of his passing. Immediately, I asked her his name, how long ago he passed, and the funniest thing he ever did while they were married. Yes, she told me his name was Bill. They were married for 36 years. And his comical aunt antics. And then she practically floated out of the grocery store with a huge smile on her face. My wife right away said, you just alone her. Look. Love the show. Looking forward to coming to the marriage retreat in February.

[Dr. John]

Oh, very cool. Dude, that's so great. So I think I. I'm 2025, Kelly. I need to learn to be more demonstrative. So when somebody says, this is a. This is a shirt that reminds me of my. My late husband who passed last year. You. We. Somebody has just dropped an anxious, uncomfortable thing right in front of you. And uncomfortable is probably better than anxious, uncomfortable. You can go, oh, okay, and just turn around. You can pull up your phone. You can. You can do a number of things to avoid that discomfort. When you ask their name and you ask what's the funniest thing they've done that you remember, that's you heading directly into that. So I always tell people, go right towards it. That's one of those ways. What was his name? Like we're gonna say his name out loud and everybody. Names tend to humanize issues, right? And situations. And so his name was whom? And everyone goes, ah. And maybe I've been in situations where I'm like, what's the funniest thing you can remember? Guy wasn't a good guy. But it leads to a rich conversation. And anyway, that I need to be more demonstrative. Demonstrative. A. I need to learn how to speak clearly because I'm attending to today. But that's what I mean when. I mean, just walk right through it and good on you. What was that dude's name?

[Kelly]

Jackson and his wife Nicole. And I'm assuming they'll be here in February.

[Dr. John]

And I don't. I. I don't know anybody in New Hampshire. Do you have any New Hampshire friends?

[Kelly]

There's like 14 people there.

[Dr. John]

I think I know 11 of them. Print credit cards. I think that's where all the credit cards come from.

[Kelly]

I don't think I know anyone from New Hampshire.

[Dr. John]

But they grow credit cards, dude. I don't either.

[Kelly]

We do now.

[Dr. John]

Hey, I got a new friend named Jackson. I'm going to. Jackson, dude, that makes my. That makes my whole day better song, by the way. Thank you, Jackson. And for the record, if you had the unlucky situation of in high school or college and someone was like, oh, you just got deloneyed, that wasn't a good thing. It was not a good thing. And now look at this redeeming it.

[Kelly]

You're a verb. We're redeemed.

[Dr. John]

I've always been a verb, but it's getting. It's getting kinder. Doesn't have the same negative connotation anymore, so that's fantastic. Hey, everybody, be nice to each other, be kind, don't do drugs, stay in school, all that stuff. Happy New Year. Bye.