I Got Drunk and Slapped My Girlfriend

Summary

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The Dr. John Delony Show – Episode Summary

Episode Title: I Got Drunk and Slapped My Girlfriend
Date: September 3, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show delves into challenging, real-world calls about relationships, accountability, and personal growth. Dr. Delony approaches sensitive issues with directness and compassion, notably addressing a caller who confesses to abusing his girlfriend while intoxicated. Later, the show covers family struggles during military deployments with a special needs child and the difficult transition of adult children moving out. The episode is a raw, honest discussion about the consequences of actions, the courage to seek help, and the commitment required for genuine healing.

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1. [01:06] Alex’s Call: “I Got Drunk and Slapped My Girlfriend”

Summary

Alex, a college student from Philadelphia, calls in to confess a deeply disturbing event: after a night of heavy drinking, he blacked out and slapped his girlfriend—a moment he claims to not remember. Grappling with shame and disbelief, Alex seeks Dr. Delony’s advice on understanding what happened, ensuring it never recurs, restoring safety for his girlfriend, and rebuilding their relationship.

Key Discussion Points

• Immediate Response and Accountability

  • Dr. Delony and his co-host react with measured seriousness, emphasizing the gravity of the situation and the victim’s well-being above all.
    • “First and foremost, I would tell every single woman in this situation to not talk to you ever again.” (Dr. Delony, 02:42)
  • The hosts urge Alex to focus on his own healing before considering any relationship repair.

• Alcohol & Masking Deeper Issues

  • Dr. Delony probes whether Alex’s blackout violence was a total anomaly, pushing back on the idea that it “came out of nowhere.”
    • “Often, alcohol peels back, pulls apart the layers of our protective masks... It pulls away those layers and you get a version of yourself that is like, ‘oh, there he is.’” (Dr. Delony, 04:52)
  • Alex admits to past drunken arguments, yelling, and “childish” behavior, which Dr. Delony reframes as abusive, not childish.

• Denial & Self-Image

  • The conversation exposes a pattern of minimizing abusive behavior and denial regarding self-identity.
    • “You have this image of yourself as __, yet reality is showing us something different.” (Dr. Delony, 09:03)

• The Need for Radical Change

  • Dr. Delony insists Alex completely abstain from alcohol, reinforce boundaries, and take a hard break from the relationship for at least 60 days.
    • “You can never drink again. Ever.” (Dr. Delony, 07:27)
    • “The greatest gift you can give her … is to say I need to break off contact with you for 60 days while I go down a rabbit hole to figure out... why am I hiding from myself so desperately?” (Dr. Delony, 14:06)

• Therapeutic Intervention

  • Strong advice is given for in-person therapy and total honesty—even at the risk of personal consequences (e.g., mandatory reporting if done through Alex’s school).

• Empathy, Not Self-Hatred

  • Dr. Delony urges accountability with self-compassion, not self-loathing, and stresses the immense responsibility of addressing underlying rage and instability.
    • “Don’t hate the person. Hate what happened... You have to heal from a place of, ‘I’m worth self-control.’” (Dr. Delony, 15:17–15:25)
  • Warns that suppressing or hiding from this “monster” will only cause increased damage.

Key Quotes & Moments

• On confronting reality:
  • “You’re walking through the world with a pair of glasses on that isn’t reality.” (Dr. Delony, 09:40)
• On responsibility and relationships:
  • “If she were on the phone with me, I would say... block him and never talk to him again.” (Dr. Delony, 03:14)
• On healing:
  • “Sitting in front of somebody and being seen and heard will kill you [not doing this will destroy your spirit].” (Co-host, 12:44)

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2. [19:59] Elizabeth’s Call: Coping with Military Deployments & Special Needs Parenting

Summary

Elizabeth seeks guidance on supporting her nine-year-old autistic daughter as well as her husband, who is about to re-enter a cycle of long, unpredictable Navy submarine deployments. She expresses concern about her daughter’s need for routine and the bumpy homecomings when her husband returns.

Key Discussion Points

• Communication & Connection Strategies

  • Dr. Delony suggests maintaining relational “tethers,” like regularly creating drawings or letters for her father, and using a special teddy bear to channel affection when physical contact is challenging.
    • “He’s gonna say, ‘I love you so much, but I’m gonna hug this dog and pretend it’s you.’” (Dr. Delony, 27:40)
  • Recommends using rituals (even small ones like new “high five routines”) to maintain bonds despite distance and sensory aversions.

• Parental Emotional Health

  • The hosts highlight the critical importance of Elizabeth building her own community and prioritizing self-care.
    • “The greatest gift you can give them is that you be okay.” (Dr. Delony, 31:37)
  • Encourages Elizabeth to both accept support and actively seek social outlets, even amidst single-parenting.

• Navigating Change & Roles

  • Acknowledges the inevitable friction of reintegrating the parent, especially with a routine-dependent, neurodiverse child.
  • Emphasizes patience and intentional, nonverbal ways to reconnect.

Key Quotes & Moments

• On emotional regulation and leading by example:
  • “His job is to regulate himself and let her know, ‘I’m back and a stable, sturdy presence.’” (Dr. Delony, 29:44)
• On self-care:
  • “You cannot pour from an empty cup. If [self-care] comes at the expense of you being well and whole, you’re going to be a completely depleted person when your husband walks in the door.” (Dr. Delony, 34:16)

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3. [36:58] Dean’s Call: Asking an Adult Child to Move Out

Summary

Dean and his wife want advice on how to lovingly set boundaries and tell their 24-year-old daughter (who is responsible, helpful, and financially stable) that it’s time to leave their home. They wish to begin their “empty nest” years but avoid making her feel rejected.

Key Discussion Points

• Framing the Conversation

  • Dr. Delony emphasizes “we” statements and ownership of their feelings, suggesting a focus on positivity and their hopes for the next phase of life.
    • “We want to begin to head into the back half of our life as empty nesters. And so we are going to come up with a plan for you to begin moving out.” (Dr. Delony, 43:10–43:15)
  • Advises against language that could be construed as rejection or dissatisfaction.

• Respect, Humor, and Grace

  • Encourages humor and open-heartedness to reduce tension.
    • “We love you so much, we can’t let you continue to be this awesome third roommate of ours.” (Dr. Delony, 43:55)
  • Suggests a clear “runway” (timing/plan) for moving out and offers support during the transition.

• Rationale for Pushing Into Adulthood

  • Frames the move as an act of love and preparation for adulthood.
    • “We aren’t loving you to our full capacity by letting you stay in this nest forever.” (Dr. Delony, 45:29)

Key Quotes & Moments

• On parental responsibility:
  • “Every bird kicks their baby out of the nest not because the bird’s mean, but because the bird knows this little bird has to learn to fly or it’s going to die.” (Dr. Delony, 47:54)
• On mutual growth:
  • “We want to push ourselves to be uncomfortable... and the best way we can love you is to let you get out there and be uncomfortable in the world so you can develop your own strength.” (Dr. Delony, 48:20–48:23)

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4. [51:14] Anonymous Question: Sexless Marriage

Summary

A listener at a Money & Marriage event writes in: his spouse feels their once-a-month sex life is adequate, while he’s frustrated and feels rejected.

Key Discussion Points

• Beyond Frequency: Safety and Connection

  • Dr. Delony notes that the number of sexual encounters is often secondary to deeper issues: safety, past traumas, health, emotional intimacy, and distorted relationship power dynamics.
    • “Often, the act of how many numbers of time we are having intercourse becomes a proxy conversation, becomes a proxy war for a whole host of issues going on in a marriage.” (Dr. Delony, 52:56)

• Starting the Right Conversation

  • Advises reframing the discussion to: “Where do you feel loved and safe in this marriage?” before jumping to sexual expectations.
  • Strongly advises seeking marriage counseling, not to “fix” the sex, but to address the underlying disconnect authentically.

Key Quotes & Moments

• “Ask a much deeper question: how are we doing? You don’t feel loved, and I don’t feel loved. Let’s get to the bottom of that conversation first.” (Dr. Delony, 55:07)

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Notable Episode Themes

• Unflinching confrontation of uncomfortable truths—about abuse, denial, and self-deception.
• Radical accountability as a foundation for healing: “What if the greatest gift you can give is to step away until you are safe?”
• The importance of addressing root causes, not symptoms—in relationships and within oneself.
• Emphasis on boundaries, self-care, and responsible love: “We can’t love you well if you stay in this nest forever.”
• Compassion for the brokenness in both self and others—blended with a refusal to excuse or minimize harm.

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Memorable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “The greatest gift you can give her … is to say I need to break off contact with you for 60 days while I go down a rabbit hole to figure out... why am I hiding from myself so desperately?” – Dr. John Delony (14:06)
• “You’re walking through the world with a pair of glasses on that isn’t reality.” – Dr. John Delony (09:40)
• “Don’t hate the person. Hate what happened... You have to heal from a place of, ‘I’m worth self-control.’” – Dr. John Delony (15:17–15:25)
• “The greatest gift you can give them is that you be okay.” – Dr. John Delony (31:37)
• “We aren’t loving you to our full capacity by letting you stay in this nest forever.” – Dr. John Delony (45:29)

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Conclusion

Dr. John Delony’s episode delivers courageous honesty and grounded wisdom, challenging listeners to face their darkest truths with accountability and hope. Whether confronting abuse, managing family transitions, or addressing marital distance, the message is clear: healing begins with radical honesty, real boundaries, and the willingness to sit with discomfort—for ourselves and those we love.

Transcript

[Alex]

Back in June, I did something that completely shocked me and I traumatized my girlfriend. We went out for dinner, we had a couple too many strong drinks. When I got back, you're gonna think like, I'm a horrible person. But I ended up slapping her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

First and foremost. I would tell every single woman in this situation.

[Caller/Participant]

What up?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on? What's going on? This is the Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you live from Nashville, Tennessee.

[Co-host or Therapist]

But not really live, pre recorded, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm live right now taking your calls on you. Whatever's going on in your life, your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, whatever you got going on, I'll.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Sit with you and I'll walk with you as we figure out what's the next right move.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You want to be on the show? Go to john deloney.com/a S K. We.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Take your question calls from all over planet Earth.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you write into the show, leave a message. We will holl the back girl at.

[Co-host or Therapist]

You and we will get you on. Can't wait.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's go out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and talk to Alex. What's up, Alex?

[Elizabeth]

Hey, John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Alex]

Doing okay?

[Elizabeth]

I'm.

[Alex]

I'm a huge fan. But yeah, I just wanted to talk about something that happened back in June, and I got a. I got a doozy for you today. Pretty, pretty horrible.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, go for it.

[Alex]

So back in June, I did something that completely shocked me and I traumatized my girlfriend. For some context, I'm a college student. I was in a great relationship. And one night we went out for dinner and we had a couple too many strong drinks and I blacked out. And then I think I drank more after that, so it was just bad. But I ended up slapping her. And I'm not a violent person. Like, I've never had this impulse of doing something like this to her or anyone. And I woke up, no recollection of anything that happened. It was. I found out about it that morning and just a crazy shock. So I guess my question would be, what can I do to work through myself and figure out what happened on my end that night and ensure nothing like this happens again to anyone? And how can I help her feel safe around me again? And what steps can we take as a couple to build our relationship?

[Elizabeth]

H.

[Co-host or Therapist]

I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm sifting through.

[Co-host or Therapist]

I'm trying to be measured in my response. Right? And you get that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

First and and foremost, I would tell every single woman in this situation to.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Not talk to you ever again. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, like, I want to put Your.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Relationship stuff aside for now, okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And understand the greatest gift you can give somebody when you physically assault them. And then you say, I don't know.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Why I do that. I don't know where that came from.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is to say, the greatest way I can love you is to get you.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Out of my sphere until I've got a handle on this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if she were on the phone, I would say, you're dating this person. Hang up the phone, block him, and.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Just never talk to him again. Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She's not on the phone with me.

[Co-host or Therapist]

You are.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the next thing I would ask you, you said you did this thing, you woke up, and I'm sure she told you all about it. How did the next morning conversation go.

[Co-host or Therapist]

As she walked you through what had happened?

[Alex]

I mean, I totally. There was no argument on my end. I was in complete shock.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I. I find that, honestly, like, just between me, you and me, I.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Find that hard to believe.

[Alex]

Why?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because you're talking about a Jekyll and Hyde situation that's just so rare outside.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Of, like, deep pathology.

[Alex]

Well, that's why I'm. I'm legitimately trying to figure out what's going on because I like. Like you saying, like, I should have remembered that.

[Co-host or Therapist]

No, no, no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm saying nobody or it's.

[Co-host or Therapist]

It's astoundingly rare.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm trying to rack my brain right now, thinking if I've ever talked to somebody and I can't, I may have. Over the years, I've talked to thousand. I mean, so many people, but I can't remember a time that somebody, even when drinking, like, like often what happens with alcohol is it peels back, pulls apart the layers of our protective masks to.

[Co-host or Therapist]

To be union for a second.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, it pulls away those layers and you get a version of yourself that.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Is like, oh, there he is. Right.

[Alex]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it would.

[Alex]

It would help.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It would shock me to say you have never had a violent outburst. You've never screamed and yelled at somebody. You've never said stupid things. You never have. That, that has never happened in your life.

[Co-host or Therapist]

It just happened this one time.

[Alex]

No, 100%. I have been. Gotten too drunk and been extremely childish. Childish, yelled, screamed, and like, treated her like. But, like, never like something on this level.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, that's not childish.

[Co-host or Therapist]

That's abusive.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when you call it childish, it's a.

[Co-host or Therapist]

It's a way to pacify this behavior.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I want you to.

[Alex]

I mean, like, I, I get childish about, like, arguments or, like, insecurities and stuff. And then I become abusive. Abusive.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Okay, yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Before her.

[Co-host or Therapist]

When did this happen in your life?

[Alex]

Never. I don't have relationships before, but I've never been drinking with. I never were drinking with them because I was in high school and we weren't partying too much. And this. This is never. This has never happened to me.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Okay.

[Alex]

Like, in. In this?

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How much have you consumed.

[Co-host or Therapist]

How often have you consumed alpha alcohol after this.

[Alex]

Since this has happened?

[Caller/Participant]

Yep.

[Alex]

I've gone to concerts and stuff and had a couple beers, but nothing to the point where I've gotten drunk, per se. But, yeah, I've drank beer since. Since you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can. You can.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Like, I'm just gonna be honest with you, brother. I don't think you're ready yet.

[Caller/Participant]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because what you want, what you're wanting to do is keep your life exactly.

[Co-host or Therapist]

The same with a few modifications to it. And you have a unstable impulse inside of your chest.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you want to. I'm just not going to drink hard liquor, but I'll just drink some beers. I'm going to go out and just kind of do my thing, but, like.

[Co-host or Therapist]

I just won't do this thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And, like, I get skit.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Childish, and then I say dumb things. And you're not grasping the full reality of this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, if you. If you.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Like, you can never drink again ever.

[Caller/Participant]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you have to say, hey, honey, we need two months away from each other, and I'm gonna go sit down.

[Co-host or Therapist]

With a therapist, because I'm not. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because I don't think you're fully grasping the depth of which you're unstable if you drink to blackout and another version of you emerges. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That comes from a level of repression and insecurity that has to make its way out in other places. Do you. Do you have a problem, like. And I need you if you're not gonna be honest in this.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Kind of a waste of a phone call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you're. Are you all.

[Alex]

I'm an honest person.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have a problem exaggerating or kind of telling a bigger tale when you're talking to your buddies or talking to a professor? Are your parents.

[Alex]

Do I have a problem exaggerating?

[Co-host or Therapist]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you kind of exaggerating?

[Alex]

Do I exaggerate stuff?

[Co-host or Therapist]

Yeah.

[Alex]

I wouldn't. I wouldn't say that I do that. Like, exaggerating. Like, my accomplishments?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, just life. Hey, man, you're five minutes late. Yeah, I know, dude.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Traffic was kind of crazy. It wasn't.

[Alex]

No, I'm pretty. I would say I'M pretty genuine. I like to think of myself as a genuine person.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. But you're not.

[Co-host or Therapist]

That's the thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think the challenge here is you like to think of yourself as fill.

[Co-host or Therapist]

In the blank, yet your actions are separate from that.

[Alex]

I see.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's what I'm trying to merge is behaviors of language. Like you have this image of yourself as, yet reality is showing us something different.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so this projection you have in the world is like I'm pretty honest guy. I'm a. I'm actually a great guy. If I do this one thing, then I become a monster. In your words. I become childish. But then I'm cool. And when I tell you it's not.

[Alex]

Cool, so you think I'm just repressing a lot and lying to myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think you're walking through the world with a pair of glasses on.

[Co-host or Therapist]

That isn't reality.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Either that or you have such a deep pathology related to alcohol that would be different than I can't touch that ever again.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who have you talked to, counselor?

[Co-host or Therapist]

Like.

[Alex]

I want it, I want to start therapy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why haven't you.

[Alex]

I don't know where to start. Like I don't want to tell, get my parents involved and I don't know like how I do it on my own and also like I'm really busy. But I know that's not an excuse.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's, that's the thing. So to heal from something like this, you have to acknowledge there is a.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Monster that lives within side me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not saying you're a monster.

[Co-host or Therapist]

I'm saying you have a monster inside of you. And I'm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm hard pressed to believe that it only comes out with your. When you're drinking.

[Co-host or Therapist]

But I'm going to take you at your word on this call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And almost every person I've ever met in this situation has spends a ton of energy in their non wasted life, their non drunk life.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Carefully curating an image to the world.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that is exhausting.

[Co-host or Therapist]

And alcohol frees you from it. And the dragon emerges.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And bro, feel free to tell me I'm wrong. That you're just a happy go lucky guy. You make straight A's. You're a good kid. And then all of a sudden I.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Just hit my girlfriend in the face.

[Alex]

Like I'm. I'm totally open. I'm trying to, to think, to really think about it. But honestly, I see myself as a pretty free spirit. Like, and I know you like, like this is like what I want to see myself as. But I, I genuinely like, don't care a lot about what other people think about me. And like, I like to like that's a quality that I like about myself. And I don't think, I'm always curating, I'm always curating an image. I mean, obviously, like sometimes, yes, like we feel like everyone curates some kind of image sometimes. But I do think, I do know that there is some monster inside of me that I need to work through and process. And I. This has been the worst thing that is like I've ever done and it's ever happened in my life. Just, I don't want to. I'm not the victim here. But the guilt and the looking myself in the mirror, it's insane.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I'll tell you, the holding onto that without sitting in front of somebody.

[Co-host or Therapist]

And being seen and heard will kill you.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Therapist]

It will magnify this.

[Alex]

I should go to my, my school's counseling office or should I go on to like, like a better, like a website, like better help if you go to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, you need to be in front of a person.

[Caller/Participant]

Okay.

[Co-host or Therapist]

In front of a live person.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you go to your school, I'm going to tell you right now, they're going to have to respond to the.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Fact that one of their students got hit in the face by another student.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Therapist]

And so there will be student conduct accountability with this. Make no mistake. They'll have to.

[Caller/Participant]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Especially because you don't know why this.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Happens and you don't know when this happens again.

[Alex]

Exactly. Yeah. Terrified of.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Yes.

[Alex]

I'm like, if I didn't have any intentions of this at first, like what feels like uncontrollable. Like what? Like I don't even.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But the main switch that you've told.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Me is controllable is when I drink, I be this, this thing gets released.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Alex]

And so also you think it's like more than, it's more than just not hard licked. Like I need to be completely sober.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Absolutely.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Yes.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you, if you don't like who you are or you don't like how you feel when you're sober, that's what you need to go sit down and address. And so the greatest gift you can give her, the greatest act of love you can give her is to say I need to break off contact with you for 60 days while I go.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Down a rabbit hole to figure out who. Why am I hiding from myself so desperately?

[Alex]

There's, there's no way to do, to be together and, and do that self discovery and Healing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can do what you want, man. But I'm telling you from the rooftops, if this was any woman in my sphere, my sister, my wife, my daughter, my friends, my friends, daughters, I would.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Say do not talk to this person until they are unwound, period.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because here's the thing, you don't know why you did that. That means every time she enters into your space, she's taking a risk to.

[Co-host or Therapist]

A fist in the face, dude.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And she's not on the phone with me.

[Co-host or Therapist]

You're worth more than that, man.

[Alex]

Yeah, I hate that person who. Who did that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't hate the person. Hate what happened if you start hate if you try to fit, if you try to heal from.

[Co-host or Therapist]

I hate him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have to heal from a place.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Of I'm worth self control.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm worth being a safe loving presence. I'm worth being able to see something and exhale and walk away for a bit.

[Alex]

Yeah, right.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I don't know any man in the world that doesn't have things that set them off.

[Caller/Participant]

The.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The biggest part, one of the greatest responsibilities of a man is to know those things are there and to take into account when and when not to let them out. I would be willing to bet I.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Don'T have a lot of money. I would be willing to bet a chunk of money that you're not going to be able to do that because you're not willing to do it.

[Alex]

Not Dr. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not to not give.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Like, say I need to go get healthy and I'm not safe to be around. We're cutting ties for 60 days. I love you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's been an amazing nine months.

[Co-host or Therapist]

I have to go detox from you as my drug from figuring out why in the world I drink till I black out and I become a. Like this dragon comes out of my.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Chest.

[Co-host or Therapist]

That I've got kind of this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Curated image of myself that I have.

[Co-host or Therapist]

To prop up with weed and alcohol and sex because I have to numb myself to being in the world of my own skin. I need at least 60 days.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we'll put a day on the calendar.

[Co-host or Therapist]

We'll go have breakfast.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We'll meet in a public place and.

[Co-host or Therapist]

We'Ll go have breakfast. But I've gotta. I've got to keep you safe and I gotta keep myself safe. And I gotta get to the bottom of this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you will not by any stretch.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Of the imagination be quote unquote free in 60 days. But you'll be on a path to begin to see the world a little bit clearer. And you have to resolve, brother. I can not touch alcohol because you cannot ever hit a woman in the face, drunk, blacked out, sober, ever. Period. Thanks for the call, man. And I hope you hear me trying to talk to you in love and not just beating you up. And I know that. Don't read the comments on this call because people are going to be brutal and awful and ugly. Know that I'm, I'm, I'm imagining my daughter in her place. And so I do have anger in my chest. You can hear it. I do have rage in my chest. You can hear it. But I'm also trying to honor the fact that I got a hurting, broken kid in front of me who is saying, I don't want to be like this. And I, I'm, I'm willing to sit with you and love you, but you have to take full accountability. And that starts with sitting in front of somebody vulnerably knowing that what I put on the table will have consequences. And those consequences are okay and right. And that will be the path towards getting well. Thanks for the call, brother. I. I'll take your call. Anytime you want to call my show, let me know how you're doing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We come back, a mom is struggling to hold it together during her husband's long, silent Navy deployments. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, everybody in the world is.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Talking about therapy these days.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I often hear folks say, I don't have any major traumas in my life. I don't think therapy's for me. This is super important. Therapy isn't just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for that. It has been for me. But it can also be a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and, and emotional and relational well being. I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past as well as helping me navigate the day to day challenges that pop up in my life. And many of you should see someone too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at Better Help. Better help is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them to get started. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time, easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, let's go to Seattle, Washington and talk to Elizabeth. Hey Elizabeth, what's up?

[Elizabeth]

Hey John, how's it going?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Doing all right. How are you, lady?

[Elizabeth]

Oh, pretty good, pretty good. Been better, been worse.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. What's up?

[Elizabeth]

So my husband basically becomes a ghost every three years. He works in the Navy, he's on a submarine. So we get about 24 hours notice of comings and goings which wasn't so bad when it was just me. But now we have a nine year old daughter this time around and she's special needs. She's a little bit on the autistic spectrum so routine is kind of where she thrives. And this is very anti routine. So I'm trying to find a way to help support her and my husband and help them like stay connected during these crazy next three years we have coming. I could use some wisdom and a guide map.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'll give you a guide map, but you're not going to like it. Is that cool?

[Elizabeth]

I'll take it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, let me get a little more context here. So on these three year deployments, what does resurfacing look like? Is there times. I know probably every email gets read.

[Co-host or Therapist]

There'S no communication, that kind of thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When?

[Elizabeth]

100%.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, whenever. Are there no pun intended. Are there days and times when he comes up for air and is free to call or is it three years of silence?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, we get no phone calls, but it's not three years in a stretch. So it's a lot of in and out. Okay, so it'll be, it could be, you know, we'll get a call, hey, yeah, he's leaving tomorrow. Cool. We see him off and then we'll get a call. Maybe in three months, hey, I'm coming home. Okay, so we don't have a date, but there's a lot of in and out. We kind of have a season, shall we say, like, well, he's probably going to be gone over the holidays. Okay. You know, that kind of thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you get 24 hours notice.

[Co-host or Therapist]

And he's got to ship out and there's just silence.

[Elizabeth]

Exactly. And there's no phone calls. Yeah, we get something like email, but you know, there's no links attached. You can't send photos. And you never know. They can only get them or receive them when it's safe for them to come up and Ping a satellite.

[Co-host or Therapist]

There you go.

[Elizabeth]

And they're kind of in the world's most dangerous game of hide and seek. So it's not very often, of course.

[Co-host or Therapist]

That's right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so I'm going to tell you numero uno, which. Oh, let me ask one more question. Sorry. Is this y' all. Is your daughter your. Y' all choose biological kid? Did y' all adopt her? How did you just suddenly get a nine year old with special needs?

[Elizabeth]

She is. She is our bio kid. But the last time we went through this, this rotation, it was during COVID so everything was very different.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Okay.

[Elizabeth]

We video chats every day because he was sick and stuck in a hotel room, and it was very different than this time around.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Okay.

[Elizabeth]

And I think now that she's older, too. It's been, what, three years since the last one? So they do like three years of this crazy in and out, and then three years of, like, an office job, and then they talk you back into going on the sub.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Right, right, right.

[Elizabeth]

So. So she's had him dad home pretty much every night for the last three years. Okay. And all of that's about to change. And we have a great relationship. My husband and I have a great relationship. He's got a pretty good relationship with her. Homecoming is always rocky.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that. Tell me about homecoming.

[Elizabeth]

Everyone's always very. I think it's very typical of military families, but for those people who aren't familiar with it, you see the homecomings on TV where everybody hugs and love each other, and that's fantastic. But we will have. My daughter and I will have developed a routine and a lifestyle, and he's got to figure out, like, where he fits in. And we've got to adjust to this other person being home, and she's got to adjust to another adult that can tell her what to do.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Right, Right.

[Elizabeth]

So it's. It's kind of a battle. I think last time it really took probably like a year, year and a half for them to be much more comfortable with each other. I'm kind of hoping now that she's older, it will be different. Well, it will always be different, but it will be smoother.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How verbal is she? How social is she?

[Elizabeth]

She can talk. She's very expressive in that. In that regard. That's not kind of where our sticking point is, but we get into kind of like shutdown mode and meltdown mode from time to time. And it's. It's something. My husband is also being in the military, everything is very, like, rigid. Has to Happen now.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Correct.

[Elizabeth]

And that works for her routine. But when we start getting out of that routine, as life requires you to do, it's hard for him to slow down.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Yes.

[Elizabeth]

And address the meltdown. You know, kind of get through the meltdown.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Right.

[Elizabeth]

That makes sense. And then be able to talk to her. And also being in the military, like, just that she's very sensitive to sound, and his voice gets very big.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I'm hearing two important things. One is her outburst or her shutdowns. I like to think of them in this way, and it's. It's not apples to apples, but I was blown away working with students with young people with autism that they're way more perceptive than. Than they would seem.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But their outbursts are can't. I mean, they can be these huge expressions of love that they just don't process like somebody not on the spectrum would. So they come across as shut down, they come across as hitting. They come across as kind of just.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Manic, if you will.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if somebody's walking in with a picture of. This is how my house is going to go now that I am home.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Yeah. I mean, that's a recipe for.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a tension that meets tension that.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Meets tension that meets explosion.

[Elizabeth]

Right. That's a great way to put it. And I mean, and her shutdowns look like she doesn't want anybody to touch her. And as a father coming home, like, that'd be. He can't even give her a high five or a hug or, you know.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Correct.

[Elizabeth]

So he also doesn't want to be that man that's forcing himself, you know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's a couple of things I would start doing now. When does. Give me a range of when he ships out. Is it one month from now? Is it 30 days?

[Co-host or Therapist]

Is it tomorrow?

[Elizabeth]

Actually, we lost him last week.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, don't say that. Don't say we lost him last week.

[Elizabeth]

We'll put it this way. He's. He's out finding Nemo, but there aren't really good portholes. So there you go.

[Co-host or Therapist]

There you go. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. So I would do a couple of things here. Big. And then I'm going to give you.

[Co-host or Therapist]

The big thing that you're not going to like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, sure thing. Number one is I would start. If you can build this into your routine. If you could do it every day, that would be awesome. That's probably too much. If you could do it two or three times a week, or if you could put y' all like a wall calendar yeah.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you could put. And even ask your daughter if she can put two times a week when we are going to send a message.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Underwater to dad and that can be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're going to write him a letter together. We're going to draw him a picture together. She's nine, right, you said?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, yeah. And she has some fine motor skill issues. But we do try to do the emails every day. But like, I'm finding that like she's just not interested and part of it is because addressing that makes you sad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I'm talking about a, like with.

[Co-host or Therapist]

A pen and paper.

[Elizabeth]

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's going to serve two purposes. One, it's going to keep her relationally tethered in some shape, form or fashion. It could be a picture, it could be a. We're both going to draw a picture of a tree for dad because he's underwater and there are no trees underwater.

[Elizabeth]

That's a great idea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But we're going to do this thing and so that when he shows back.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Up, he will have three years of letters.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When he returns. We're going to go get a life.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Size teddy bear or dog stuffed animal.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And she. During her. Because she's gonna be 12 when life quote unquote resumes, Right?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. He's gonna be in and out for the next three years, but then. Yeah. And then he'll be home for another three and then we'll see what life springs.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to give him something. And this is, this is kind of.

[Co-host or Therapist]

A end around because he needs this too. He's just going to be a tough military guy and I'll be able to say this out loud. He needs something to hug too.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So he's gonna walk in and if she shuts down and doesn't want to hug him, he's gonna say, I love you so much, but I'm gonna hug this dog and pretend it's you.

[Elizabeth]

That's a great idea.

[Co-host or Therapist]

And she.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's gonna get to release that hug and it's not going to be his daughter. And by the way, my daughter's not on the spectrum and she struggles with sensation, with, with. And it breaks my freaking heart that.

[Co-host or Therapist]

I can't hug her sometimes.

[Elizabeth]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm her mom. And sometimes we basically bedtime, we're like, kisses, hugs, high fives, knuckles wave.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My daughter and I right now, we just, we just developed a new high five routine this morning.

[Elizabeth]

Perfect.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so, and here's the thing. She wants to hug me and she gets caught in her own loop.

[Co-host or Therapist]

And so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But here's the person who has to manage that.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm the adult. And so I will hug the stuffed animal and say, this is my hug for you. I love you so much. And then we do our high five routine.

[Caller/Participant]

I love that.

[Elizabeth]

That's a great idea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it also gives your husband a.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Way to direct that he.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because he's gonna have dad guilt. And then he's gonna try to wallpaper over the dad guilt with I'm serving my country. And then he's gonna go over that with, but I need to be a dad and be present. And then you're gonna look at him kind of hollowed out because you're exhausted from being a single parent. It's gonna be all that crap. There's something about. I can channel that. I can hug my wife, and I.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Can hug this little bear.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then I will do the high that will.

[Co-host or Therapist]

It will help regulate an adult, which.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is embarrassing, but it is what it.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Is what it is, and I live that life, too.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, That's a great idea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now, you started this call by. And by the way, give him a thing that he can sit at the table, and it could be dinner time. And once a week, he's going to open up one of these pictures. Or once a night at dinner when she doesn't want to talk. She's not making eye contact, she's just eating quietly. He's going to open this up, and it will be, I love you, dad, in the form of a picture of.

[Co-host or Therapist]

A bird, because there's no birds underwater.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And his. His job is to take 10 seconds and just say, how I feel so loved that you drew me this picture of this bird. And how she responds to that will be filtered through all kinds of her ABA stuff and her aut.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Like, all that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's all well and good. His job is to regulate himself and.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Let her know I'm back in a stable, sturdy presence.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. Yeah. I. I mean, I gotta admit, like, one of the. One of the things I love best about him is that he's always been. I mean, just as in it as I am and willing to learn and be flexible and having to measure your own reaction.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But kids.

[Elizabeth]

Kids with autism ask her a question, and not like she. She's looking for what kind of response do you want?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know?

[Elizabeth]

And he's like, there's no wrong answer.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's it. But that. That when he's measuring his response, she feels that measuredness, and she tries to match It. And she. The challenge with being autistic, somewhere on that spectrum is the return misses Right. Like the social return. I smiled, so you're gonna smile back. It is. I don't. What kind of smile is that? And I don't have in my toolkit that return. And then I see that you go to a frown. And now I feel like it's that. It's that volley back and forth that we all just take for granted socially.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If he can take that from her. Look at this picture and feel it. Big. I love this. Or if the volume is too big. I feel so loved right now.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Thank you for loving me when I was in the boat underwater. I got to you, man. This is so good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that way she doesn't have to volley. She's already hit it. And he is returning it. She's getting to witness that experience, but.

[Co-host or Therapist]

She doesn't have to participate in it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, yeah. No, that. That's. It gives her a really safe distance. But.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Yes.

[Elizabeth]

Still feel included. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then slowly hopeful, she can feel his. Not that he's measuring himself, but she can feel the welcomeness.

[Co-host or Therapist]

And that brings that back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, here's the. And again, I am spitballing here. I don't know where she falls on that spectrum. So you modulate that for your daughter.

[Co-host or Therapist]

And your house and your husband. Right?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You called. Your first question was, how do I help her and help him? The greatest gift you can give them.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Is that you be okay.

[Elizabeth]

I knew you were going to say that.

[Caller/Participant]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have to have a group of women that you just can weep with, laugh with, that you build a new routine with.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. I think that's something I'm. I'm constantly working on because we're a little older for this. The military force and most of them. And like, I'm not. I don't drink when my husband goes out, so I don't fall into, like, the wine mom, military category. So it's kind of like. I know it's really, really wild and.

[Alex]

Out there, but no, you're.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're.

[Co-host or Therapist]

I can tell you're wise, so good for you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I mean, you could. You can host at your house, like.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Like the no complaint zone. Like, we're.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Invite the wives over and I'm going to be the wise old.

[Co-host or Therapist]

The old mom.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. Like, whatever.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My wife and I waited for a long time to have kids. And so we fall. I mean, most of our. Our kids. Parents are 10 years younger than us.

[Co-host or Therapist]

And so we have like, we kind.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of serve in that. Like, hey, what do y' all think about this? Hey, can we talk this afternoon? Like, and that's cool and awesome, but for you in that routine and especially for your daughter too. But I'm just going to set that up.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Tuesdays and Thursday nights are at our house.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe one person shows up, maybe.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Four people, and you just have to go be weird.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you've got to commit to. I love that you set some boundaries for yourself. I just don't want to be the. I don't want to. Because you'll find yourself 24 months in.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Knocking off a bottle of wine a night and just be like, oh, gosh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Talking about Housewives of. Like, you don't want to be that person and I love you for that. Like, yeah, but you're going to have to backfill that with. With something more than a nine year.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Old with special needs.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. I mean, I do work and that helps too. So I'm a.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It doesn't help.

[Elizabeth]

I get to build other people and that's the fantastic part of my job. I get to be a personal trainer for strength training. I do like strongman and Olympic lifting. And I get to take these women who, you know, look at grocery bags and think it's heavy and they get a whole new aspect on life, you know, by the end of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but who, who are you allowing to build you?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, I've got a couple of besties, but they live too far away. You're right. So we do a phone call like once a week. It does not fill the hole. You're right, my friend.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But maybe you sign up for a race or you sign up for a competition, or you sign up for line dancing. I don't know. Like, it's you signing up for something, you being a part of something. But if. Here's, here's what, here's what I'm getting at. You're going to find yourself devoting your life to other people, which is beautiful and amazing. But if it comes at the expense of you being well and whole, you're going to have, you're going to be a completely depleted person when your husband.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Walks in that door and it's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're not doing this just for him.

[Co-host or Therapist]

You're going to have, you're going to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You'Re not, you're slowly going to not.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Have anything to give this daughter, to give your husband, to give yourself, to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Give these clients of yours, unless you Also have on the calendar schedule time per day, per week, per month. And as a single mom of a special needs kid, this. These are fleeting times, right? It's not easy, but where I am allowing somebody else to build me up.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Whether that's a yoga instructor, like take.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A new class, come back and you know Spanish. I don't know what it is, but when he comes back, you know Spanish. But allowing yourself I to be the best version of myself for all these other people who I love and care about.

[Co-host or Therapist]

I have to go first for me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that starts with you looking in the mirror every morning when you're tired.

[Co-host or Therapist]

And exhausted and saying, I'm worth an hour today. I'm worth two hours today.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. It's such an honor to talk to you. Anything you need, you call me and call anytime. Thank you for being serving our country at home, keeping this thing locked down. Thank your husband for what he does, playing hide and seek in the depths. Thank you so much for everything about.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Your, your willingness to call in today.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm super grateful. Anything we can do to help over.

[Co-host or Therapist]

This journey, you never hesitate to call us. You're a hero.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We come back, a man asks, how do I tell my daughter she's gotta move out? All right, let's get cozy. You know that I love adventures and I love being out there in the world kind of being a little bit crazy. But I'm telling you, at the end of the day, I'm ready to shut it down and go to bed. And when I do, I want my bed soft, cool, and absurdly comfortable, which is exactly what Cozy Earth delivers. Their amazing bamboo sheets are super breathable, they regulate temperature, and they wick away heat and moisture. I sleep cooler with my Cozy Earth sheets. And it's not just me. My family's gotten hooked on them too. We've got this giant Cozy Earth blanket that we all fight over or we all get under at the same time. This thing is ridiculous. It's ultra soft, it's plush, and it's got some weight to it without being too heavy. It's like a combined anxiety blanket and a hug from your grandmother all at the same time. It's amazing. And Cozy Earth can help you build a space that's a retreat for your family, just like they have for me and my wife. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 40% off your entire purchase. And if you get a post purchase survey, tell them you heard about Cozy Earth right here on this show. That's cozyearth.com DeLoney and code DeLoney to save 40%. All right, let's go to Milwaukee and talk to Dean. Hey, Dean, what's up?

[Dean]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great, brother. How are you, man?

[Caller/Participant]

Good, good.

[Dean]

Great to talk to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You too.

[Alex]

What's up?

[Dean]

So I'll just. I'll just start with my question, and then we can go from there. So me and my wife are trying to figure out how to tell our daughter it's. It's time to move out without making her feel like, you know, we're kicking her out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's a tough one, because one of the hardest things for parents to come to grips with is that we cannot.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Manage somebody else's feelings.

[Dean]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We can be respectful and treat people with dignity and do the next right thing, and then they get to absorb that, hear that, feel that.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Therapist]

In their own way.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So how old are you guys?

[Elizabeth]

My.

[Dean]

My wife and I are in our late 50s, and we've been married 34 years. Three children.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Alex]

Great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you?

[Dean]

Our youngest daughter is the one I'm. I'm calling about. She's 24.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So why do you want her gone?

[Dean]

Well, the main reason is. I'm just thinking, actually, when I say I, we. Me and my wife are on the same page with this, but we don't see that there's going to be growth for her continuing to stay with us. She moved out when she went to school. She went to school for two years at a local state college and then didn't continue on. Wasn't sure what she wanted to do. So we, of course, told her, you're. You're always welcome to come back home. I guess we weren't thinking it was going to last this long.

[Co-host or Therapist]

No way.

[Caller/Participant]

No.

[Dean]

See, we had. With our two older ones, we had similar situations where when they graduated from college, they did come back home, but it was three, six months somewhere around there.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Sure.

[Dean]

And then they moved on. They moved out with roommates or partner. And we're just trying to figure out the best way to tell. Tell our daughter that it's time. Because again, I don't see any growth with her staying with us. She's a little bit of a reserved person, so she spends a lot of time in her room. She's a reader. She watches movies.

[Alex]

But she working.

[Dean]

She is working, yes. Little fact. She works actually with me at my job.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Okay.

[Dean]

So I get to see her pretty regular. She's a great kid. We don't have any issues with her. She Helps around the house. She does dishes. She'll cook a meal or two during the week. She helps mow the grass. She's very financially responsible. She's been working since she was 14 and has a huge savings account. We've discussed, you know, her buying a home because she has a really nice nest egg to purchase a home. And. And she just kind of says, yeah, yeah, I'm looking, but that's where it kind of stops.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I. I love this conversation because she's not. I get this call a lot, but.

[Co-host or Therapist]

It'S often I've got a kid who's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just laying around and won't get a job, or I've got a kid who's smokes weed all day and plays video games but doesn't want to go X, Y, and Z. You don't have that. You've got a pretty amazing young woman who is, at 24, finding herself in what I think is the great trap of the 21st century, which is comfort.

[Caller/Participant]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's just comfortable. And she sounds like she's an amazing person of character because she's helping out all over the place. She's not just. She's. She sounds like she's awesome, but she is also just comfortable.

[Dean]

Yes. She's great. We go on vacations with her and my other children. She, you know, she is a great person.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I high five you and your wife, dude, That's. Y' all have done amazing. Amazing.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dean]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's awesome.

[Dean]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I. Here's where I think this is pretty cool. And y' all get to do a couple of things I want you and your wife to. And you probably have already done this, but I'm going to say this for the listeners. I want you all to begin to dream about the third and fourth quarter of your life. Statistically speaking, you may be at the beginning of the fourth quarter or you may be in the middle of the third quarter. But what do we want our life to look like? Who do we want to be as empty nesters?

[Dean]

Yes. So we definitely have discussed that. The third and fourth quarter of our life, we were empty nesters for about two years. So we got a taste of it when our youngest went to school for two years. So we had the house to ourselves, which we enjoyed. Not that we don't love our kids, but we enjoyed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, you don't gotta qualify it. I can't wait.

[Co-host or Therapist]

It's gonna be awesome.

[Dean]

Yes. We were kind of excited to finally be empty nesters and get on with the next chapter.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Awesome.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think that's where I would start because, yeah, one of the. This is a truism in marriage com, like conflicts or marriage conversations is always.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Starting with the words I instead of you.

[Caller/Participant]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if you sit down and.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Say, all right, you are the most amazing. I just started with you there. But I want to say you have far surpassed our dreams for you as.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

As a person of character. You're a hard worker. You're a key part of our business. I hope you take it over someday. I don't know if that's true or not.

[Co-host or Therapist]

I just put that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Those words in your mouth, but you're a great saver. You help her on this house.

[Co-host or Therapist]

You are amazing. And I. Your mom and I are in the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Middle of our third quarter, and we.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Want to begin to head off into.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The back half of our life as empty nesters. And so we are going to come.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Up with a plan for you to begin moving out.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that will be three months, six months. You are.

[Co-host or Therapist]

We love you and you are ready to fly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And because y' all are on great terms. I don't know that in my house.

[Co-host or Therapist]

It would be a laughter filled.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is us kicking you out of the nest. And it would. But it'd be a fun. It'd be a funny conversation.

[Co-host or Therapist]

That's not every household. Right?

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dean]

I think it might help to try to bring some humor to the conversation. I. I think she might be nervous about, of course, the fact that. That we would be telling her.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have to go and tell us. We love you so much that.

[Dean]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We can't let you continue to be this awesome third roommate of ours.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We love you so much. We want you to get out there and find your 35 year marriage. We want you to get out there.

[Co-host or Therapist]

And have your own house, build your own equity. Like, we love you that much.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if you. If you notice all my languages. We want. We love you. We are making these boundaries, not, you've been here too long. You need to get out. It's time you go get a house. This is all y' all taking full.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Ownership of how y' all feel and what y' all want to do next.

[Dean]

Yes.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you're feeling, obviously say, we hope you hear this in love. But we also know you're 24 and you're our kid and you may just.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Be like, they kicked me out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And y' all can laugh and be.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Like, we're kind of kicking you out of the nest, but we know you can fly. Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Caller/Participant]

Right.

[Dean]

She can totally fly. She's an intelligent young woman.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course.

[Alex]

It'S just going to be.

[Dean]

An uncomfortable, I believe, you know, I think more for my wife, maybe, than me, just because I, you know, she's a little more sensitive to this subject.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Caller/Participant]

It.

[Dean]

It just might be a.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I think also, y' all let.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Her know we are not being fair to you.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We are beginning to get accustomed to having a maid slash roommate slash somebody paying rent.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Like, I don't know how she.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How y' all function, but that's not fair to you.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We aren't loving you to our full capacity by letting you stay in this nest forever.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I would also give her a Runway.

[Co-host or Therapist]

You got three months, 90 days.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get six months.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Y' all get to decide that.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah. And.

[Dean]

And by the way, she does. She does pay rent. That was one of the criteria.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, so, I mean.

[Dean]

I mean, go ahead.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I say. Y' all get to say, like, we're going to lose money on this deal. We're going to have to hire a.

[Caller/Participant]

A. A.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A yard person. Like, yeah, we. This will come at a cost to.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Us, too, because we love having you here, and it's becoming increasingly unfair to you.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's the thing. She might laugh, she might cry, she might hug y'. All. She. It sounds like she's going to be somebody that's going to say, I know she might be.

[Dean]

I think that that's a. Probably a. A fair statement, at least from in my mind, that she might already have a sense just in the back of her mind, that this may be coming.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, and some kids, like, especially good young folks, like, like you've raised. She might be worried about y', all, and you get kind of this figure. It's kind of like the infinity loop. There's, like, y' all love having her around, but, gosh, she's 24. She's got to get out and get on her own and start building her own sea legs.

[Co-host or Therapist]

And also, I don't like being 24.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And live with my parents, but, man, they need the extra help, and I like being here to give them a little extra money. And. And if one person breaks that dance.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Sometimes everybody exhales like, okay, good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you. Yeah, Right, right, right. And maybe not. Maybe it's both, but it may be.

[Co-host or Therapist]

All that all in one big mushed pot. But I also think I'll help you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I will go. You. You get five houses that you want to go look at. I'll go. We'll both go with You.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'll sit with you when you sign your first mortgage. I will. Like, I'll do all those things with you. This is just. It's like we're old. It's time for us to kick you.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Out of the nest. We're not being fair.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dean]

We need her. We need her to grow.

[Caller/Participant]

And I.

[Dean]

And again, I'm not certain that that's happening and that that's. We're doing her disservice by allowing her to stay with us. If I'm. If I'm explaining myself correctly, I think you're.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think that's. She sounds like a wise, wise young woman.

[Co-host or Therapist]

And I think she will.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Even if she won't, like, it won't feel good.

[Co-host or Therapist]

She will understand that.

[Caller/Participant]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dean]

I hope so.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But every bird kicks their baby out of the nest not because the bird's mean, but because. Because the bird knows this little bird has to learn to fly or it's going to die.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Not gonna make it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so we've given you two years, three years.

[Co-host or Therapist]

We're all here, stable.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We want to push ourselves to be uncomfortable, to figure some things out in the back half of our life. And the best way we can love you is to let you get out.

[Co-host or Therapist]

There and be uncomfortable in the world.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you can develop your own strength.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Your own sea legs, your own fill in the blank.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, yeah, I think this is a great conversation. And expect there to be tears, expect there to be frustration, expect there to be, well, I didn't think all of that is a normal part of this.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Exchange, but the more you and your wife can say I and we instead of you, the. The more honest this conversation becomes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So good on you, brother, for raising. Good for having a great marriage, for raising three great kids, and for not allowing the comfortable option for everybody, which.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Is, dude, we have somebody paying rent. We got some extra money.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We got extra hands around the house. We're gonna love our daughter enough to let her fly.

[Co-host or Therapist]

You're awesome, Dean. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I love my poncho shirts. If you've seen me on this show or on stages across the country, I'm almost always wearing poncho shirts. I wear a poncho when I'm fishing in the Gulf. And I was wearing poncho shirts this weekend while I was mowing out here, my little miniature farm out here outside of Nashville. I'm telling you, you should wear poncho shirts, too, because poncho makes the absolute best outdoor performance shirts for Men, period. I love their denims and their insanely soft flannels. But right now it's super hot outside and I'm wearing Poncho's ultralight shirts all the time. They're lightweight, they're breathable, and they're still tough enough to handle whatever chaos my day brings, everything from travel to being up to my chest in the surf or doing wild yard work. These shirts move with you, not against you. They drive fast and they don't cling or bunch up. And they come in slim, irregular fits so you don't have to walk around looking like a circus tent. Here's what I want you to do. Head over to ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney and check out the selection of my favorite shirts on there, like the Laramie and the Buffalo. And right now, new customers get $10 off from your first purchase when you sign up with their email. That's $10 [e-mail] Deloney all right, we are back and we've got a Money in Marriage question. By the way, our Money and Marriage retreat here in Nashville, Tennessee, in we have one in November and we have one Valentine's Day weekend. They are selling super fast. I don't even know if they're they may be sold out, but they're selling fast. Go check them out. We'd love to have you here. They always sell out. We got people from all over the.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Planet come coming in. Love to have you and your spouse with us here in Nashville.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can go to john deloney.com and.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Check it out for events or go to ramseysolutions.com events and find out where you can get tickets.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, here's a question. We have an anonymous box at Money and Marriage and people put questions in and we got so many great ones that I'm reading a few on the show every once in a while.

[Co-host or Therapist]

So here we go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's a an anonymous question that we got during the Money Marriage event. My spouse and I are in a sexless marriage once per month, and that's if I don't mess it up. She feels that we have plenty of sex.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Obviously, I feel differently.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I've been this way our whole marriage, despite me trying everything I know.

[Co-host or Therapist]

What am I missing?

[Caller/Participant]

Wow.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's hard for me to just say.

[Co-host or Therapist]

What am I missing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because there is so much here. The place I would start if you were sitting with me is this is more than likely not about the act of sex. This is about safety in a relationship. This is about Trauma. This is about physical health, whether it's hormonal, whether it is vaginismus, whether it is a lack of attraction. This is about maybe you not participating in how the house runs. Or she doesn't feel loved in this house. She doesn't feel seen or heard or known in this house, yet you swoop in and say, I want to do it. Or it could be she doesn't like some of the questions. Some of the conversations we've had at this money of marriage is I really want to have sex, but I am.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Grossed out by how I look in the mirror. And our.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I feel less than in the bedroom and so I don't want to reciprocate. There's a lot here, but often the. The act of how many numbers of time we are having intercourse becomes a proxy conversation, becomes a proxy war for.

[Co-host or Therapist]

A whole host of issues going on in a marriage.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I would sit all the.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Way back and ask questions like, tell me where you feel loved and safe in this marriage. Tell me what love looks like for you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me what, what you love about the physical act of having sex.

[Co-host or Therapist]

What do you not love about it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How do I make you feel during.

[Co-host or Therapist]

The lead up, during foreplay, during intimacy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

During 8 o' clock in the morning when I'm hoping we have sex at.

[Co-host or Therapist]

8 o' clock that night? How do I show up in our.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Marriage in a way that makes you feel so safe and so loved that.

[Co-host or Therapist]

You want to be with me in this way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And begin having some of those conversations? If this has been going on for a long time, and honestly, the way you say, if I don't mess it up, that tells me that it's some. Your wife, in some ways, is using sex as a bargaining chip or as a weapon or as a means of control.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Maybe she's just awful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Maybe it's the only lever she feels like she has in a house where she's got no voice. You take care of the money, you take care of the job, you take care of where you'll go on vacations. And this is the only lever she's got.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Like, there's so much here for potential conversations.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would recommend you starting the conversation this way, honey. I made us an appointment with a local marriage counselor because I want to love you the best way that I know how. And I have realized that I am not communicating in a way that you.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Feel heard or loved and that I don't feel like I am loved in this marriage. Would you please go? Come with me. That's how I would probably start this conversation, but libido differences.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to do it more. She wants to do it less. I want to do it more, he wants to do it less. That's very, very common in marriages. And it is also common that one or more partners use this as a weapon, as a bargaining chip, and that's never healthy. So I would stop the conversation about the act of. Can we have intercourse? Intercourse. And ask a much deeper question.

[Co-host or Therapist]

How are we doing? You don't feel loved, and I don't feel loved. Let's get to the bottom of that conversation first.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you so much for listening to the show. Everybody. Be nice to each other, be kind.

[Co-host or Therapist]

Out in the world.