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- [00:00]
A
Big news. New dates for money and marriage Getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend, 2026. Get tickets@ramseysolutions.com events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee.
- [00:21]
B
So kind of struggled with weight off and on. I ballooned up, then lost weight and then gained it all back, plus a whole bunch and had weight loss surgery. I just at times feel like I just have control over this.
- [00:33]
A
I guess I want to start this conversation with this I'm gonna get choked up crap. What in the world is going on? What's going on? This is John, the Dr. John DeLoney Show. I'm so glad you're here. Pull up a seat, grab some nachos, and we're gonna figure out what's the next right move. Whatever you got going on in your life, whether it's your marriage, your dating relationships, your mental and emotional health, your physical health, whatever you got going on, for the last two decades, plus, I've been sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out, what do I do now? And I'm so glad you're here. If you want to be on the show, go to john deloney.com, ask a s k, and we'll holler back girl at you and see if we can get you on the show. Let's go out to St. Louis, Missouri, and talk to Team Edward. What's up, Edward? Hello.
- [01:26]
B
How are you?
- [01:26]
A
I'm good, brother.
- [01:27]
B
How are you doing? Good.
- [01:29]
A
Awesome. What's up, man?
- [01:31]
B
Well, it's funny that you said grab some nachos at the beginning, because I am calling about issues with, like, emotional eating and things like that.
- [01:40]
A
Oh, I'll. I'll. I'll put extra cheese on them because I'm an emotional eater also. Fantastic, man. So tell me about it, man. What's going on?
- [01:49]
B
So kind of struggled with weight off and on, even as a kid. But then, like, you know, into an adulthood, I kind of ballooned up, then lost weight and then gained it all back, plus a whole bunch. And kind of, to keep it brief, like, had weight loss surgery a little over a year ago and dropped, you know, a good amount of weight. Still got a little bit more to lose, but I am finding, like, all of those emotional pulls to food and all of that has just crept back in, maybe even more so than. Than before. And, I mean, I'm terrified, obviously, to gain the weight back and things like that and, you know, just trying to change my habits to. To be healthier, but it's like I just at times feel like I just have no Control over this, too, and kind of bleeding into other areas of my life as well, I think, too.
- [02:42]
A
So take me back. When's the first time you realized I don't like being in my own skin?
- [02:50]
B
I remember as a kid just feeling, you know, super insecure and things like that weight was kind of commented on a lot. And I wasn't like, by any means, like, you know, morbidly obese as a kid, but I, you know, I was.
- [03:04]
A
The kid in the husky jeans. Right. Just the pudgy kid.
- [03:06]
B
Exactly. I wore the husky jeans. And I really, you know, that was. That was kind of a big joke and things like that. And I do know that I turn to food to kind of, you know, cope with, you know, some of the stresses that, you know, of the home life and things like that, too.
- [03:21]
A
How did your parents cope with stress?
- [03:24]
B
When I was a little kid, like, you know, I had a partier for a dad who was, you know, just kind of out and doing his own thing. And then I did have a mom who was. Ate a lot and stuff like that, too.
- [03:36]
A
Gotcha. So you had one dad who dealt with not feeling comfortable in his own skin, in his own life by going out and partying. And yet a mom that, for lack of better terms, just to be crass, ate her feelings.
- [03:50]
B
Right.
- [03:50]
A
And as a little kid, you don't have access to partying. Most kids don't. Right. And mom could make everybody feel better with a pie or with a casserole or with some spaghetti or with some Oreos or whatever. Right?
- [04:02]
B
Yeah.
- [04:03]
A
Yeah. So I guess I want to start this conversation with this. You're not a cosmic failure, and you're not a loser. Your body is simply doing what it was trained to do from a really young age, which is to hide from itself in the most socially acceptable form possible, in the most connecting with mom way possible, which was to eat something.
- [04:27]
B
Yeah.
- [04:28]
A
So you're not a bad guy. In fact, your body's working exactly as it was programmed to do.
- [04:33]
B
All right.
- [04:36]
A
And then how old are you now?
- [04:39]
B
42.
- [04:40]
A
42. And now you still got these demons hanging around, huh?
- [04:43]
B
Yeah.
- [04:44]
A
Tell me about your life now. Married, kids, not married. In a relationship, Working. Tell me about your life. Yeah.
- [04:50]
B
Married for almost 25 years. Oh, wow. Yeah. Four kids. They're all kind of older, Things like that. Very active. Kids and sports and things like that. Or very busy.
- [05:05]
A
Yeah.
- [05:07]
B
Yeah.
- [05:07]
A
So what made you decide to go get the surgery?
- [05:11]
B
I had told myself kind of the prior year, like, if I'm still struggling with this, I Kind of need to do something almost drastic to force myself into, you know, something different that, you know, wasn't working for me, you know, now. So let's try something different. And I think part of me too, if I had to be totally honest with myself, thought it might be a little bit more of an easier way out, you know, there would be some sort of help in that. That wasn't like my entire reason, but I think, you know, in my mind that's part of, you know, what you're thinking too. Like, hey, this is going to make it a little bit easier. And kind of what I found out is it may have made it easier to drop some pounds pretty quickly, but there's still a lot of. A lot of work you got to do mentally to keep it off and to keep going and to be overall, you know, a healthier person.
- [06:05]
A
Yeah, that's the challenge with dealing with emotional eating habits by surgically reducing the amount you can eat is you don't deal with the emotional part.
- [06:14]
B
Right, right.
- [06:16]
A
So what kind of emotions do you bubble up for you? Anger, frustration, rage, anxiety, depression. Like, what does your body feel when you start to. When you find yourself grabbing yet another Oreo or swinging through a drive through?
- [06:33]
B
I mean, usually it's just like once I'm done, it's just like this depression. Like, just so upset with myself, feels like a failure.
- [06:40]
A
No, on the front end.
- [06:42]
B
On the front end, yeah.
- [06:43]
A
What's going on is it might even be joy. Like, what is it that. That you find yourself? Is it mindlessness? Like you're just pulling into a drive through? Is it this perception of hunger? Is it depression? Is it just running low? Like, what, what is it?
- [06:56]
B
It's all. It's all of it, honestly. I mean, there's times where it's like, it's been a great day, you know, what would make this better? Like, yeah. And then, you know, you find yourself crossing four lanes of traffic into Taco Bell, you know, and you're like. Or, you know, just. I mean, it could have just been like a rough day. And I find myself at night just like, all right, tomorrow is going to be a better day. And then I wake up in the morning and the first thing on my mind is like, why don't we just go through the drive through and then, you know, just call today today, and then tomorrow will be better. And it's just I continuously just talk myself into it, you know, and just non. Stop.
- [07:34]
A
That, that voice inside your head's exhausting, huh?
- [07:38]
B
It's. Yeah, it's it's wearing me down.
- [07:41]
A
A few months ago, I was jogging with my son. He's a cross country guy. And I can run like one mile with him on his eight mile run or whatever. I could barely keep up with him anymore. He's. He's too fast.
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B
Yeah.
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A
But he asked me while we were running. I could barely breathe. He could talk fine because he's faster. He said, dad, what are you thinking about right now? And I said, I've got a pretty mean internal dialogue going right now. What's in your head right now? And he told me, and it was actually a compassionate kind, like, keep going, just one more step. Just like it was, it was, it was kind of like a cool coach. And I said, I don't want to tell you what's in my head, son, because it's pretty dark.
- [08:24]
B
Yeah.
- [08:25]
A
And we're jogging down the road. And he finally said, well, what is it, dad? And I said, I'm gonna tell you. And the things that I said out loud were shocking to me even as they came out of my own mouth.
- [08:35]
B
Yeah.
- [08:35]
A
That voice inside my head. Would you share with some of us some of the things you say to yourself? Pulling into a drive through. Pulling out of a drive through. Or when you wake up. Well, I mean, when you're about to go to bed and you feel like, I've had another failure day, what's that internal dialogue sound like?
- [08:52]
B
I've been working on it. I mean, it's always been for the, for the most part, like, you have zero discipline, man. Like, you should, you should be able to do this. Like, why are you continuing to struggle with this? You have all these tools. You have a good life. Like, there's just no reason. And I just basically tell myself, like, you're a screw up. Like, you have, you know, you're just not even trying, and you're just. It's just a lot of that, I guess. And then after I. I leave, you know, I go through the drive through or I, you know, down a 2 liter of soda or something, I'm just like, yep, there it is again. Like, you know, you just made more excuses and, you know, you're just an undisciplined person, you know, just trying to make yourself happy for right now instead of, you know, wanting something better later kind of thing.
- [09:45]
A
You just gave me the very Disney fied version of the actual voice, didn't you?
- [09:51]
B
Kind of, yeah.
- [09:53]
A
And that's okay. That's. That's totally okay. Whose voice was that originally?
- [10:04]
B
I think that there's a Little bit of childhood stuff obviously in there, but be specific.
- [10:11]
A
Is that your dad's voice? Is that some of the neighborhood kids voice? Was that your mom's voice always saying, I need to lose weight. I need to be on a diet. And you. You saw her and kind of looked at yourself in the mirror and thought, I guess she doesn't like me either. She didn't like herself. Like, where does that voice come from? Because almost always the voice in our head started out as somebody else's voice until it became our own.
- [10:33]
B
I can think of three different voices it could be right now.
- [10:36]
A
Do you mind sharing them?
- [10:37]
B
One would be my dad.
- [10:38]
A
Okay.
- [10:39]
B
You're not doing good enough.
- [10:41]
A
Tell me about that.
- [10:43]
B
Even as, like, a kid, like, just. I would just be like, insult. Like, we did a lot of work around the house, and I wasn't like, more of a manual labor kid at the time, and just be like, you should have a desk job because this isn't good. Life isn't going to work out for you like this. Like, you're just lazy and this and that. And like, even the mom, like, just constantly, you know, dieting and things like that, and to kind of even make it a little bit weirder. Church.
- [11:17]
A
Yeah, Keep going. I'm with you on that one, too. Keep going.
- [11:20]
B
Growing up in a very legalistic environment of you're not good enough, you always had to strive for perfection you were responsible for or the salvation of everybody around you. You know, everything was pressure. You had to do everything, and you were never doing good enough.
- [11:42]
A
Man. If you were sitting right here, I would ask you if it's cool, and I'd stand up and I'd give you a hug, man.
- [11:50]
C
Yeah.
- [11:52]
A
Because opening your eyes every morning for 40 years and recognizing you're on a stage and the result of that performance is whether God, Whether your mom. I'm gonna get choked up. Crap. Whether your dad is gonna think you're worthy of being loved. That's so exhausting, man.
- [12:16]
B
Yeah.
- [12:21]
A
So here's Gary. Go ahead, man.
- [12:23]
B
I can believe theory. Like, yeah, God loves me and he's pleased with.
- [12:27]
A
Yeah, it does. It's in your nervous system, man.
- [12:29]
B
But it doesn't ever feel like that.
- [12:30]
A
No. The rest of it's just words, right? So do me a favor, okay? Are you in a place where you can close your eyes? You're not, like, in an office with a glass wall or anything now?
- [12:40]
B
I'm. I'm. I'm in my home office.
- [12:42]
A
All right, close your eyes. And I want you to picture yourself at Nine years old, in those husky jeans, just standing there with your arms straight down, about six feet from you, your hair parted or your hair in a flat top, however your parents cut your hair when you're a kid. And that button up plaid shirt that's probably a little bit too big because you're trying to hide a little bit already. I want you just to see that kid standing there looking at you. And then I want you to visualize yourself reaching out and putting your hands on that kid's face on either side of his cheeks. I want you to visualize yourself standing up and going over that little boy and putting your head on his forehead. Y' all connect foreheads. And I want you to look that little boy dead in the eyes and say, I love you, and we made it. Say it for me.
- [13:56]
B
I love you and we made it.
- [14:02]
A
When we get off this call, I want you to write that little boy a letter. Okay? And we're going to say, dear Edward, I'm so sorry that dad talked to you that way. And I want you to be really specific about the things dad said. No dad should say this and this and this to his son. Then I want you to say, and now we got to talk about Mom. Mom was hurting because dad was running around on the town all the time, coming home drunk. And mom both told me that my value was in sitting with her and eating these big meals. And also that I wasn't worth looking at because I was pudgy little kid. And the more specific you are about things that you actually remember and the things you were told, the more cathartic and healing this exercise will be. Okay?
- [15:05]
B
Okay?
- [15:05]
A
That's step one. And in that letter, I also want you to tell that little boy, when you grow up to be 18, here's a thing that's going to happen so people are going to make fun of you. I want you to remember a couple of specific memories, and I want you to bring that little boy all the way through the surgery and say, hey, we have. I have an amazing wife. I bet you didn't think we're gonna get married. I bet you think we're gonna have sex. We had at least four times. We got four kids, right? Yeah, we got four amazing kids. You have four amazing kids. And then I want you to write in this letter, I refuse to pass along to my kids what mom and dad passed on to to you. I got a surgery. I've dealt with some of this stuff, and yet the emotions are heavy. And today is day one when I begin to Say the words, I'm worth not performing anymore. And then at the end of that letter, I want you to tell that little boy it is time for you to take off these big, baggy clothes, put on some shorts and a T shirt, and go play. You don't have to defend me anymore. Okay? And here's what this looks like in the real world. You're. You're What? Say it again. 41. 45.
- [16:39]
B
42.
- [16:39]
A
42. Here's what it looks like now. Every morning when you wake up, I want you to have a small journal by your bed. And I want you to write the words I'm grateful for today. And I get to not. I have to. I get to take care of myself so I can love my wife recklessly. I get to take care of myself today. I get to feel good today so I can show up for these crazy active kids. I get to. You're going to write four things down. I get to take care of myself today, to love myself well, today, because I'm worth being loved.
- [17:25]
B
Okay.
- [17:26]
A
And if you want to add the faith component, I get to take care of myself today because the God of the universe sees value in me on and off the stage. And then you're gonna have to put some real life roadblocks for. For a season. You're gonna have to go see a counselor and talk about the emotional part.
- [17:47]
B
I am doing that. Yeah.
- [17:48]
A
Good. Good. I don't want you to go to a counselor and just regurgitate stuff. I want you to sit with a counselor and talk through when I have this memory. When I talk about this memory, my chest does this. And I want to feel what's happening. The sadness, the anger, the rage, the heartbreak, the lonely. And I want to extend the gap. This is mindful. I want to extend the gap between that feeling and what I do next. Because that is the magic from feeling like you had a great day and, dude, I'm gonna go crush some Taco Bell. And exhaling and not swinging through four lanes of traffic.
- [18:27]
B
Yeah.
- [18:30]
A
And being really graceful with yourself when you do.
- [18:33]
B
Yeah.
- [18:34]
A
And what we're looking for is more peace. More wins than losses. And over time, the thought of crushing a whole cheesecake, it doesn't even feel good anymore. Because you believe you're worth feeling good and you've got enough wins that you realize how good you feel when you wake up and you haven't nailed a whole pizza at night.
- [18:56]
B
Yeah.
- [18:57]
A
You know what I'm saying? It's a practicing process. You're practicing something completely new. It's not a matter of, I'm a. I'm a loser, I'm a fat idiot. Whatever things you want to say about yourself and your narrative, it is, man. My whole life, this is how I was trained to deal with stress. I'm going to start practicing something new that actually honors the fact that I'm worth being loved. Brother, I'm with you. This has haunted me my whole life, and I'm working through it myself. You call me anytime and I'll walk with you. Get that letter done to that little boy. And if you want to be a gangster, you got older kids. Sit down and read that letter to your children. Read it to your wife, read it out loud, share it and say, I'm gonna finally deal with the emotional part of the emotional eating. And I love you guys. Call me out, catch me. We'll make some jokes, we'll have some fun, we'll shed some tears together, and your dad's gonna finally begin to live into the fact that he's worth being loved by God, by everybody. Really grateful for the call, brother. Thank you so much for your trust. Call me anytime, and I'll walk with you. We come back, a man asks how to manage his ADHD without hurting his daughter. This show is sponsored by Better Help. All right, here's the truth. I have great friends. I got a strong faith, and I have an amazing wife and a family. I'm also kind of a nerd. I got two PhDs worth of information about how to be well and whole. Right? And yet there have been critically important times in my life, several of these times over the years that I've had to go spend time with a great therapist. And that time with a therapist has made all the difference for me and my emotional health, my mental health, and my relationships. The right therapist can change everything. In this month, my friends at Better Help are shining the spotlight on the therapist. These are the people who truly make the world a better place. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the largest online therapy provider on the planet. They've served over 5 million people globally, and they have over 1.7 million client reviews and an average rating of 4.9 out of 5. BetterHelp works, it's totally online, and it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions, and they're going to connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your you and your needs. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. This month we celebrate the therapists who have helped millions take a step forward. And if you're ready to find the right therapist for you, better help can start you on that journey. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's a better help. H E L p.com DeLoney all right, Baltimore, Maryland, home of the Wire. Let's talk to Ben. What's up, Ben? How we doing?
- [21:50]
D
I'm doing pretty good. Appreciate you taking my call.
- [21:52]
A
Excellent. You got it, brother. What's up, man?
- [21:55]
D
Yeah, so I have like two kind of like intertwined things going on here. I'd love to get your perspective on this. It's something I've just been struggling with. I've got a nine year old daughter and a five year old son. And you know, one of the things that I'm struggling with is with my own anxiety and ADHD throughout my life, I can now start to see those traits really emerging in my nine year old daughter. And one of the things that I struggle with is how do I, how do I enable her to see those as a thing, like more of like a superpower? Like that's how I always describe it with her is like, because my brain can process so much bigger and faster and stronger than others around me because I've learned how to kind of like, you know, figure that out and you know, I've done well in my career because of it and things like that. But what I find is that when she, when my brain is going crazy and she's having that same moment, I do one of two things. And I've heard you talk about this in the past, like I either retreat and go mow the lawn and get away and abandon my wife in that moment while she's going nuts like my daughter or I react and I become angry and like, I just find myself feeling so guilty after that moment of like the outburst. And I know that I can identify it as like, you know, my brain's going crazy at the same time her brain is, and we just clash.
- [23:09]
A
H, you're not going to like my answer.
- [23:14]
D
Go for it.
- [23:14]
A
Is that cool? Are we same team here, man? Good gosh. You sound exactly like me. Same team.
- [23:19]
B
Yeah.
- [23:20]
A
All right. Have you heard me tell the story about my daughter and the hugging?
- [23:26]
D
Yeah. So like, we actually started to do some of that stuff of the whole, like, I'm gonna make this super uncomfortable for you and hug you. But then she's like, oh, it's weird. So I'm like. And I'm doing the whole, like, I don't know, like, you know, the, the stuffed animal thing I heard on a show a couple weeks ago. I'm like, let's try that. And she's like, dad, that's cringe, man. I'm like, well, that's okay.
- [23:45]
A
All right, so here's the backstory to that. I think I've told it a few times, but I. The big. My big dark dirty secret here was this show took off out from under me and it became a top ten top five show. I think it was number three one week. Like, it would just. It was going bananas and at home my daughter wouldn't hug me. And it made me nutty. It broke my heart. I didn't know what to do and I knew it wasn't right and I didn't know how to fix it. And I tried everything, tried everything. And it. My wife one day, she's very wise and she's. And she's like a walking Xanax. And so I'm super grateful for her beyond measure. But she said, has it ever occurred to you that or your time. My daughter's nine too, but at the time I think she was six. That that tiny little body of hers wants desperately to be connected with her dad, but it feels you as unsafe. And that broke my heart. And I actually got kind of mad. I was like, dude, how I'm not unsafe. I don't swear in this house. I never yell. I don't hit my kids. Like I. And my wife said, no, no, no, you're an amazing dad, but we all can feel the nuclear reactor in your chest. And I called a local therapist in kind of a temper tantrum. And I walked in and said, evidently my family can feel the fact that I'm not safe to be around, even though my actions suggest otherwise. And that started a six month unpacking of some nightmarish stuff that happened to me when I was a kid. Some stuff I experienced, some stuff I saw. And it wasn't until about six to nine months later that I was doing something. And I remember the words popped out of my mouth. Josephine, which is my daughter's name, get off of me. And then I started laughing and then I got choked up and I said, no, no, no, don't. And then here I am, three, three, three years later. Last night, my daughter finished dinner and she got up, climbed over, off out of her seat, climbed up over my chair and draped herself over my back just to absorb peace. And so my answer to you is, which is hard, is when you have a kid that's reactive and you see them doing the ADHD things, you see them wanting to retreat or you see them kind of exploding is children absorb tension in the house. And that means as a parent, it's my responsibility to go find peace from the inside out. So I would ask you, what are the things as a kid, what are the things in your middle school, high school years when you felt so trapped that rage was the only way out? Rage is trapped anger. Take me back to moments when you felt completely powerless as a little one.
- [26:41]
D
Yeah, I mean, I grew up. I was the. Of a middle child.
- [26:45]
A
Me too. Yeah.
- [26:47]
D
And like, middle child. And I was the. I played the sports. Oh, they all played the sports. Everybody played the sports. Everybody was great at sports. And I was okay. And I was like the academic guy who's like, that's why, like, now it's like, I've got the better career than all of them. But, like, nobody cared about that because it was that, like, sports is the thing we do, and we're really good at it. And I'm like, yeah, I'm here too, guys. So I'd be the one that kind of tags along. So I think there's a little bit of that. Of like, that performance mentality of like, I'm. I just had to prove myself another way. And like, look, I made it. And then, like, again, it's that. The seeking, that validation. Right. Of just like, hey. Just like, no one has ever said, like, hey, man, like, you're doing great. You know what I mean? So it's, you know, there's a lot of that that I've been working through.
- [27:30]
A
How are you working through that? Yeah, I had a. I had a. One of my. One of my practicum advisors who's a savant psychologist. He's brilliant. But I remember him saying, hey, John, straight A's can be a trauma response, too. And I. I remember that just echoing through me as I was working on my second PhD.
- [27:52]
D
Yeah. So part of it is one, like, just like, physical health for me has helped because one, I was, you know, I was overweight. Cause I was doing the typical. Like, I'm sitting at my desk all day, like, cranking out, and like, look, I made this career move, and like, look, I'm all the way at the top now. And. And it's like, you get here and I've, you know, I've heard you talk about this some, too, in the past of like, I got here and I'm like, wow, this doesn't Feel like what I thought it was now. What I didn't.
- [28:13]
A
Yeah. Dad didn't call.
- [28:15]
D
I have. Yeah. Like, I have nothing to, like, there's nothing else to climb toward. Like, I'm at the top now and it's just like, okay, like, now what do I do? And I, you know, started to think like, well, it's really impacting my physical health. And so I've now like lost. I've lost about £65. Like just being, you know, better with what I eat and doing exercise and that's really helped a lot of. A couple of different things. But also like, I can now, you know, get involved in my kids activities and sports better. Like I feel better, you know, being involved with them a lot more and I can, you know, play more with them. So there's a lot of that.
- [28:49]
A
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Brother.
- [28:50]
B
Yep.
- [28:50]
A
Will you sit with me for a second?
- [28:52]
D
Sure.
- [28:54]
A
I want you to, to rewind what you just told me. As a middle child, I was raising my hand saying, does anybody see me? See me too? And the answer was no. So you worked really hard in school. Does anybody see me now? Look at your brother playing whatever. Look at your sister on the soccer field. What? Like, so then an internal engine said, I'll show you. And you did. And here's my guess. I'm gonna, I'm gonna shoot my shot here. Tell me if I'm wrong. You married over your head. Is that fair?
- [29:31]
B
Yep.
- [29:32]
A
Okay, I'll show you guys. And you marry somebody who people would be like, I can't believe she's with you. She's probably brilliant, probably hilarious, probably beautiful. Probably all. All three fair.
- [29:45]
B
Yep.
- [29:46]
A
And still when you looked you in the mirror, there you were. And so then you went and got this career and there you were, and then you got to the top and there you were. And then you gave yourself yet another finish line. I'm going to lose a bunch of weight. And you did.
- [30:03]
D
And now I struggle with body dysmorphia. And it's just like I'm at that point where I know. But the next, all this weight, there's.
- [30:09]
A
Nothing here because you keep showing up. Because you won't deal with the nightmare that's inside your chest. And I'm telling you, you got to trust me on this, brother. You're going to your next finish line. I just heard it is. I'm going to be the super present dad at all these things. And you're freaking doing it, and it's awesome. And every morning you wake up and go, Brush your teeth. There you are in the mirror again, and you don't like that guy.
- [30:37]
D
Yeah, it's just more. More tired because I've added three things now. I'm trying to juggle, you know, as.
- [30:42]
A
Yeah, but that fatigue comes from the inside out. You're tired of giving yourself yet another marathon that you white knuckle your way through because you're really strong. Your internal engine is powerful and strong because it had to be, because you got the message at a very young age. Nobody wants to see you move, please. Your brother's on the soccer field, and until you address that kid, you're going to find another one and another one, and then they're going to see your heart attack from space or you're going to get really tired. And this is me being stone honest with you. Somebody at your office, she's going to text you and say that that joke you had in the meeting today, nobody caught it. I heard it. It was hilarious. And that's going to feel so good. Somebody sees me. And then you're going to think about putting another joke in the next meeting to see if she catches it, and she's going to catch that one. And then you're going to go grab coffee, and then you're going to do something that you never thought you would do. That's the trajectory, this constant move of another finish line and another finish line, another finish line always ends in ash. Always does. And that's. I need you to hear me say, man, you're worth just stopping the race. You're worth loving you, my man. Do you hear what I'm saying? Does that. Does that resonate?
- [32:19]
D
Yeah, no, for sure. I mean, this is, you know, it's the constant, like, searching for the thing. And, you know, honestly, that's how I ended up finding your podcast to begin with is like, you know, how do I. How do I, you know? You know, you have that weird millennial man. Like, I'll just power through this. I'll listen to a few podcasts and, like, you know, work on it intentionally, be better. And it's like, you know, at what point does my, you know, ADHD addiction tendency of, like, being amazing at that thing become myself, right? Like, I think that's ultimately where I'm starting to land. It's. It's scary, right? Because it's like, now I have to be really vulnerable with someone else.
- [32:55]
A
ADHD is a context, not an excuse.
- [32:58]
D
Yep.
- [32:59]
A
ADHD inside of a well person who knows in their being that they are loved a dramatically decreases. That's just science, number two, becomes an unfathomable superpower because you can do things, you can feel things, you can show up for people in ways you can get projects done on a dime. And you as a salesperson can see somebody and feel them in a powerful, profound way. But if you're feeling them and trying to solve their problems, because somewhere inside there's a nine year old saying, maybe they'll see me now. They're going to move the line and move the line and move the line until your heart explodes. But a well person. My, my, my anxiousness didn't just go away, but the alarm shut off. My ADHD and OCD stuff, man, the, the, the symptomology of it is way reduced, but it's still there. And now it's a force for good. It's not a force for avoidance and powering through. You get the difference?
- [34:07]
D
Yeah, for sure.
- [34:09]
A
It's amazing. And that comes from you sitting down with somebody and sharing stuff from the inside out. Because here's the truth. I would be willing to bet being completely honest about stuff that happened to you when you were young is nightmarish. And there, there may even be stuff that your wife doesn't know of 20 years doesn't know.
- [34:32]
D
Yeah, I mean, I'd agree with that.
- [34:34]
A
Okay.
- [34:34]
B
For sure.
- [34:35]
D
You know, bury it all the way down there and say, I'm gonna act like this didn't happen because this is the, this is the perception that I've, I've wanted to create.
- [34:43]
A
And let me say this as clear as I possibly can. Secrets will kill you. And worse. I'm gonna throw some gasoline on it. Our kids can't reach inside of our chest to get to know that secret. They think that electricity is because of them and they will do every damn thing they can to try to fix it. And that's not their job. If you think of it. You may have heard me say, if you think of it like bricks in a backpack, it's either I'm going to do the work with my counselor and my vulnerability and be open and honest with my wife about things that happened to me when I was a kid that she didn't even know. I'm going to deal with that. About the dishonesty that's even maybe been in our marriage that I've never been open and honest about and deal with the consequences. I'm going to live a life where I've got no more bricks in there, or it's like taking off a backpack full of bricks and handing it to our Kids and saying, you know what? Y' all carry that. I made a whole bunch of money. I set you up good. You deal with that. I guess. Brother, I just need you to tell me, hear me say, I love you enough to tell you you're worth walking through life without anything in your backpack, man, because life's going to put crap in there. Your mom's going to get sick, one of your kids is going to have a problem. Like, life is going to put enough stuff in there, dude. Carrying your own secrets about worth and value and things that happen to you and things you've done, that's just too, it's too exhausting of a way to live, man.
- [36:17]
D
Yeah, that's. I think that's the hope that I'm. That I'm looking at right now is like, just like feeling free, right? It's like I want my, I want my chest to match, like what my brain aspires.
- [36:27]
A
There you go, there you go.
- [36:28]
D
Like, it would be like I just keep, I keep visualizing that. That's what I keep striving for right now as I'm listening through this.
- [36:35]
A
And like, stop striving.
- [36:35]
D
Stuff I'm working on is like, stop driving.
- [36:37]
A
Stop. I want you to do what I told the previous caller to do. I want you to imagine 12 year old you who just got a 97 and dad goes, whoa, would 100 would have killed you. And dad just walks on. I want you to picture that kid or the kid who's always kind of running behind because we're always going to brother or sister's games or whatever. And I want you to write that kid a letter. I want you to tell a kid you're sorry that he was unseen, he was unknown, he was uncelebrated. Because every kid needs to be seen and known and celebrated. And then I want you to write down, get it out of your body onto a piece of paper. And if you're like me, kind of paranoid, most ADHD people I know, most anxious people I know are, write it out. Here's some of the things that happened to me. Here's all the things. And then if you're like me, I started with a counselor before I sat down with my wife. But that's going to be for you, whoever you want to talk to. Grief demands a witness. You're going to have to grieve these things. You're have to share these things. You have to learn some tools about breathing. You're going to have to learn some tools about letting your first response, as Jefferson says, be Your breath, not yelling, your first response, be leaning forward towards your wife or towards your daughter, not running to the yard. It's going to be getting a couple of male friends, some dudes that you hang out with once a week. Those are the things that will heal your body from the inside out so that a faith practice that you can surrender to and say, dear God, thank you for loving me in these moments when I don't feel lovable and you anchor in. Just hear me say, brother, you're worth being loved. My man. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a non Anxious Life and I want you to use that as a road map. But I also want you to write that letter today by yourself. Door shut, spiral notebook. And then I want you to make a call to a counselor and say, I'm ready to heal some of this dark, dark stuff. I'm ready to open the box. No more secrets. I'm not carrying that crap anymore. And I can almost guarantee you five months, six months, you're going to find yourself doing something and that six year old daughter of yours is going to be six or seven and, and she's going to be jumping on you and you're going to smile and be like, ah, this is what well feels like. Grateful for you, brother. Man, that call is too close to home. We come back, a woman asks what should she do if her boyfriend never says the words? I love you. Be right back. All right, I want to talk about Helix Mattresses. Summer is gone. We're in the middle of the fall. We got football games going on, we got school stuff all over the place. All of us are wanting to numb out more and more. Listen, we have to be intentional about protecting our sleep because here's the truth. How we sleep is an incredibly important part of how we feel. One of the most important things I do to stay mentally sharp, emotionally steady, and able to show up for my wife and my kids. And my team is getting a good night's sleep. And that's why I love talking to you about Helix mattresses. Helix builds mattresses for you specifically, not the generic average sleeper, but for you. Whether you're a hot sleeper, a side sleeper, a back sleeper, or somewhere in between, Helix designs mattresses around your needs, get online and take the Helix Sleep quiz. I did it. It takes like two minutes or less. And they're going to match you with exactly the right mattress for, for you. Right now, my audience can get an exclusive 20% off of their entire order at helix sleep. Dot com. So go check them out right now. That's Helix. H E L I x helix sleep.com Deloney, for 20% off your entire order. And tell them you heard about Helix Mattresses right here on the Dr. John DeLoney show with Helix. Better. Sleep starts right now. Lexington, Kentucky, just north of me, talking to Nicole. What up, Nicole?
- [40:54]
C
Hello?
- [40:55]
A
What's up?
- [40:58]
C
I'm talking to you.
- [41:00]
A
And I'm talking to you. I'm glad you called. Pull up a seat. What's going on?
- [41:03]
C
Thank you.
- [41:05]
A
I know it can be kind of weird when I first answer the phone that, like, it's got to feel kind of strange, right?
- [41:10]
C
Yeah. Well, I've been dating Someone. It's about 15 months now, and it's a big deal for me because I haven't been in relationships for, like, many years. And he. He just doesn't say the words, I love you. And when I think about drives me nuts, because I want to hear those words. We spend a lot of time together, and he, like, you can't force someone to feel some. Something. But I want him to say, I love you, but he hasn't said it. So. Sometimes I think I'm wasting my time and I should just go home and not talk to him anymore because I don't want to waste my time.
- [41:52]
A
Yeah. What does he say when you say I love you? Thanks.
- [41:55]
C
Well, see, I don't say that either, but I wrote it down. And.
- [42:00]
A
Oh, no.
- [42:03]
C
If I said it and you didn't say it back, I would just die.
- [42:06]
A
But. But here's the thing, Nicole. Nicole, you're dying right now.
- [42:10]
C
Yeah.
- [42:12]
A
How old are you?
- [42:14]
C
Well, 44.
- [42:15]
A
44.
- [42:17]
C
And I wrote it to him like I wrote in birthday cards, Christmas cards, Valentine's Day cards, birthday cards, and we celebrated our first month anniversary, and I got a cute card. It says two puzzle pieces, and it just says, love you to pieces. And then I write sweet notes, and I'm better at writing than talking, so I'll write like, a note and write, I love you. And, like, I thought in my mind he should play something back, like.
- [42:44]
A
But you've never said it. You've never said it.
- [42:46]
C
No, but I wrote it.
- [42:48]
A
The Hallmark card has it written for you.
- [42:51]
C
No, but I wrote it.
- [42:53]
A
Doesn't matter.
- [42:53]
C
I write it myself.
- [42:54]
A
Doesn't matter, Nicole, today. Today. Because here's why. You're making yourself crazy by projecting future calamity, probably based on. You've been hurt bad in the past, haven't you?
- [43:09]
C
Well, yeah, everyone has.
- [43:11]
A
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's how you've. That's how you have minimized your own feelings and your own wants and your own. The only. The things that you really want in the world, you squashed them because, well, it just happens to everybody. And that's a. That. That sentiment, walking through the world that way assures you of being 75 or 80 years old, laying in a hospital bed, having never risked anything, and therefore having never gained anything.
- [43:41]
C
Well, I'm. I almost started to ask him before, like, so, do you love me? But I think he should say it on his own. Or he could respond to my notes and letters.
- [43:53]
A
Notes. I'm gonna tell you right now, notes don't count. Notes don't count. Have you met men?
- [43:58]
C
Nice, sweet layer.
- [43:59]
A
Have you met men? All right, here's the thing. If behavior was a language, how does he say he loves you through his actions?
- [44:11]
C
Well, that's the other thing. It's like there's two people arguing in me, and one of them says, he should have said it by now. It's been well over a year. And the other one says, well, actions speak louder than words.
- [44:23]
B
And.
- [44:25]
C
And you. I think he loves me. He.
- [44:27]
A
Just give me. Give me a couple of examples. If. If y' all were both unable to speak, y'. All. Neither of y' all had the capacity to talk, and someone said, does he love you? And you had to nod yes or no.
- [44:40]
C
Yeah.
- [44:41]
A
What are some actions he does on a regular basis? You would go, that guy's. That guy's invested in me. Does he fix your car? Does he change your oil? Does he pay for dinner? What does he do?
- [44:52]
C
He has washed my car before without me asking. And we just hug, and it feels good. And he'll just smile, and he'll just say, I help him with his mom. His mom had to live with him recently, and that's been stressful. And he'll say, thank you for all your help, and you're the best thing that's happened to me in seven years.
- [45:19]
A
Okay, so I'm gonna pause you right there. Most people, especially men, do their best to love their partner in ways that it occurs to them that they would like to be loved. Men really struggle, especially modern men, of having any sort of purpose. So if a guy who doesn't. He doesn't use a lot of words anyway, does he? Is he a big talker, or is he kind of a quiet guy?
- [45:51]
C
No, he's usually more quiet. He says he's stoic.
- [45:54]
B
There you go.
- [45:55]
A
So if he looks at you and says, you have a really Important purpose in my life. That is a dream sentence he would love to hear from somebody. And so maybe his way of saying, I love you more than life itself right now is looking at you saying, you have a purpose in my life. Maybe he's constantly embarrassed about his car being dirty and he goes out of his way to see somebody that he really cares about. I'm gonna wash your car for you. The problem is you could care less about your dumb dirty car, right? And for him, if you showed up and just had his car detailed, if you saved up money for a couple of months and had his car detailed, he might start sobbing. Right? So here's the thing. When you love somebody, and this is how Hollywood has ruined us, it's my job to give my wife a roadmap to my heart, to my spirit. And that's a risk because she may not take that road. But Hollywood has told us that love is mind reading. And it's not. Love is road walking. Daily practices that say, I love you in the way that you said I could best love you the way you want to be loved and for you. You want to hear the words I love you.
- [47:34]
C
Well, he went on a trip recently with his friends, like four wheeling in the Rocky Mountains. And I stayed with his mom because so we could go. Otherwise he couldn't go. And so he called every night and we talked. And then I gave her the phone to talk to him. And before they got off the phone, he said, love you, mom. And then when he got off the phone with me, he just said good night. My name. And then that just really deflated me. And I was like, really sad for three days. I'm like, why can't he just say I love you to me?
- [48:04]
A
I do not want my wife to say I love you in the same way she would tell her dad that. Right? You want to hear that word really bad.
- [48:17]
C
Yeah. Once it got to like a year, I'm like, yeah, really? Like, I know, I know. Why can't you tell me?
- [48:22]
A
I'm putting the burden on you to tell this man that you love a I love you. You do the same thing that you're so desperate for him to do for you. And here's why. Because it's not you to not say I love you. That's who you are. And so in this attempt to try to stay connected to him, you are squashing yourself. Don't do that. That's not what love does. Love is fully me on the table. And then a give him a chance to say it back. Give him A and or B, say, I see these nice things you do for me and I know you care about me. Hearing the words I love you is really a straight arrow shot into my heart. And that's not Hollywood, but that's real life. And I guess my question for you be, would you rather break up with a person that you love, that you, that you know, cares for you, that you care for, or would you rather just end the relationship never knowing? But you didn't say, I like to be loved in this way. Or would you rather hear the words from this man? Oh, baby, I love you too.
- [49:43]
C
Yeah, I'd like to hear it.
- [49:44]
A
Okay.
- [49:45]
B
They put it on the table, for sure.
- [49:47]
C
He would respond to my note and card saying, I love you, Nicole.
- [49:51]
A
Notes don't count. They're just old fashioned text messages. They don't count. They're not real. I mean, they are real. Don't get me wrong. I love a good letter and a good note. And actually it's easier to say I love you in a letter because you don't have to look at somebody's eyes and whatever, you don't have to wait for their response. Right? So yes, I. If he was on the phone and he said, my girlfriend wrote me I love you in a letter and I didn't know, I would say knucklehead, right? I love you back. Call her. I would tell him that, but he's not on the phone. The bigger issue here is this. The bigger issue is you have a thing in this meaningful relationship to you that is really important to you. A want that you really love, that you really have, and you won't share it with him. I would say that's not cool. In fact, that's kind of cruel. You have cast him in a movie that he doesn't even know he's in and you're mad at him because he doesn't know the lines. Give him the lines that you want to hear because he might tell you, baby, I called you every night on a four wheeling trip out in the desert. I had to drive six miles to find a satellite phone to call you. You think I don't love you? I told you about how scared I am about mama's illness. I don't tell my guy friends that I washed your car when I was exhausted. I didn't have any money or any time. He in his head, he might be there. Give him a roadmap. Give him a roadmap. Is it sexy? I think it is. But is it Romeo and Juliet? No. And Romeo And Juliet was never real. It's one of the great myths of human history. Give him a road map. And then you got to risk it because you might say, I don't say those words. And then you're gonna have a choice to make. But you're about to make a life altering choice without all the information. And I would suggest putting it out there. Imagine yourself at a table saying, I love you. We've been together a year. It's really important to me that I hear those words back from you. I love you. And have him get up and walk around the table and pick you up and hug you so tight and say, oh, baby, I love you. Imagine that. And then give yourself an opportunity for that to come true. Thanks for the call, sister. Your move. Write us back and let us know if he says it. And if he doesn't, give me a cell number. I'll call him. We'll be right back. We talk a lot on this show about boundaries. Things like emotional boundaries, relational boundaries, financial boundaries. But there's one boundary that nobody talks about and I should talk about it more and I don't. So I'm doing it right now. Boundaries around your digital life. Right now, your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school is sitting on countless websites that you've never heard of. You didn't give them permission to have this information. They took it and it's out there. And let's be honest, this is not just an annoyance, it's a violation. It creates this constant hum of anxiety in the background of our lives, knowing that every decision we make is being tracked by somebody that we don't even know about. That's why I use Delete me. Delete me goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information without your permission. Delete me tracks down your information and they remove it. And every few months they send you a report showing you exactly what they've done. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries. And boundaries are about peace. So go to join delete me.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 20% off. That's join J O I N join deletem.com DeLoney to save 20% off. All right, we're back. Kelly 2.0. Kelly 1.0 is getting some more tattoos today. She's getting this Mly Crew tattoo down her arm. It's kind of a cover up tattoo because she had like a Backstreet boys thing that she tattooed an old English spec from. She was a middle schooler, she was super into him, and she was dating a tattoo artist. It was a whole thing. But she's getting it covered up with a Motley Crue tattoo. This one's a big one. So Kelly 2.0 is here. What's up?
- [54:03]
E
She just sent me a photo of the tattoo and it's looking awesome.
- [54:05]
A
It's looking awesome.
- [54:06]
E
So I can't wait for y' all to see.
- [54:07]
A
It's like shoulder to pinky. Huh?
- [54:09]
E
It's pretty crazy.
- [54:09]
A
That's awesome.
- [54:10]
E
Okay, so we've got Am I the problem? This comes from Chrissy in Maine. She says, am I the problem? I've never seen legit porn on my husband's phone. However, the reels that just automatically show up on his social media are always of seductive, barely dressed women. He says he can't help if these show up. And I've asked him to stop viewing reels, and either he has stopped watching them or he just hides the history. I don't know which. Whenever there's a new seductive thing in the world to see, like a recent American Eagle ad, I always go to his phone and look through it to see if he's watched it. Am I self destructing our marriage by this? Am I the problem?
- [54:54]
A
It's a both. And here, here's what that. I think there's a thing beneath the thing here. Number one, your algorithm reflects what you look at, right? And by the way, I have tons of hunting guys that I follow. And I also, I don't know, I have poncho ads and I follow stand up comedians and I follow some of my friends. And when you look at. And I love, like obsessed with car restoration videos, when they take an old car out of the woods and they like start from scratch and rebuild it, make it awesome. And so if you take old trucks and hunting and comm, like, you will occasionally spin one up right? Where there's somebody, you're just scrolling through this thing and it's some scantily clad person. And I get the algorithm fishing, right? But if you. If you open it up and it's all skinnily clad people, it's just reflecting what you look at. So you're right. And having that conversation. The thing beneath the thing is, is having the honest conversation about, hey, here's how this makes me feel. Here's what I experience in my chest as the wife of you. When I open this up and see this entire buffet of other scantily clad people, I feel less than I feel not beautiful. I feel be honest about those things. And then the other side of it is, if you constantly are telling yourself that story, if you look and see, it's not there anymore. And then something about Sydney Sweeney pops up, right? The jeans ad. Even if you're not into scandally clad people, you got to know, like, what do you. What's all this hubbub about? We were talking about it here in the office. And so if any and all things related to any, Anything involving sensuality, sexuality, news, anything sets off your alarms and you immediately run to justify the fact that you don't think you. You've got internal. Some sort of internal struggle, and you go to find proof of it that your picture of yourself is right via your husband, that's gonna be a recipe for disaster. It's an exhausting way to live. And so it's both. And if your husband says, hey, you're right, I kept clicking on these scantily clad things that popp, you're right, it's not pornography, but it's not who I want to be, and especially makes you uncomfortable, I'm out on that. I think that's a noble thing. Good for him. Good for you for having that conversation, and good for him. And on the other side, if something crazy pops up in the news, I want to know what. Like, what's the hubbub about? Like, what's going on? I got a. I got two kids. Like, I. I want to know what those things are. And if those things make you feel less than. I'm going to challenge you to go sit. Sit with somebody and say, why, when American Eagle put out an ad of somebody being obviously throwback, suggestive, why did I instantly become a shell of myself and go looking for reasons into the world? So it's both in. Does that make sense? Is that. Is that. How's that. You're newly married. Yeah. And you tell me all the time your husband's always looking at stuff. I'm just kidding you. Don't tell me that. So tell me about, like, does that make sense?
- [57:59]
E
Yeah, absolutely. And I've even. This conversation has come up for us, and for us, it's like we have reset algorithms or we have done the thing to communicate, like, where our priorities are. And if you do feel uncomfortable, like, we'd rather like, you speak that out just to free it versus to fester into it.
- [58:21]
A
Yes, yes.
- [58:22]
E
But it takes both of the bravery of saying something, but also trusting when your person validates and also says, here's a change. I'M going to make whatever it is. It's a two way street in marriage.
- [58:36]
A
Here's. Here's the solution or not the solution, but the entry point. When you sit down to have these conversations, always use I words not you've been looking at this and I see your algorithm, I saw your phone and I felt like this. And that's a good barometer for am I being honest about what I'm experiencing here or am I looking to bomb somebody so that I can have some sense of feeling? Okay, use I words. But. So I'm not gonna say you're the problem. I think that's, that's a harsh way to say that. I think you have some really powerful deep insecurity feelings and I want you to address those because you're worth walking through life trusting your partner, especially when you've had a hard conversation and he cleared the deck and said, you're right, I'm gonna be somebody else. I'm gonna be a new version. If you keep hanging on to the old one, man, it's a recipe for making yourself exhausted and miserable. Thanks for call. Love you guys. Bye.