I Just Found Out I Have a 27-Year-Old Daughter

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John DeLoney Show – "I Just Found Out I Have a 27-Year-Old Daughter"

Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, hosted by Ramsey Network and released on June 4, 2025, Dr. John DeLoney delves deep into complex relationship dynamics and mental health challenges faced by his callers. The episode centers around two compelling stories: Mark's unexpected revelation about his long-lost daughter and Lee's journey through divorce and the daunting world of dating later in life. Through empathetic dialogue and practical advice, Dr. DeLoney offers invaluable insights to listeners navigating similar personal struggles.

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Mark’s Revelation: Discovering a 28-Year-Old Daughter

Overview

Mark, a caller from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, shares a life-altering discovery: he recently learned, through a family member's genealogical research and services like 23andMe, that he has a 28-year-old daughter whom he has never met. This revelation has left him grappling with feelings of inadequacy, fear of rejection, and uncertainty about how to approach this newfound relationship.

Key Points and Discussions

• Shock and Denial: Mark expresses complete unawareness of his daughter's existence, emphasizing the suddenness of this revelation.

  Mark (00:21): "Well, I recently found out through a family member who got to digging in the ancestries and 23andMe and stuff like that, that I have a 28-year-old daughter that I've never met."

• Emotional Turmoil: He conveys a deep sense of self-doubt and fear of being disliked or rejected by his daughter.

  Mark (01:55): "I really hate the thought of anybody in the world hating me. You know, they're not liking me, so. Yeah, kind of a struggle."

• Circumstances of Birth: Mark explains that his daughter was the result of a one-night stand 28 years ago, highlighting the absence of intention or planning in her conception.

  Mark (02:11): "Just one of those 19, 20 year ago, one night stand, quick things, you know, huh?"

• Lack of Contact Information: Despite knowing his daughter's approximate location, Mark lacks the means to establish contact, complicating his desire to connect.

  Mark (04:13): "I don't know how to."

Dr. DeLoney’s Advice

Dr. DeLoney responds with a blend of empathy and pragmatic guidance, encouraging Mark to take actionable steps toward building a relationship with his daughter.

• Encouragement to Reach Out: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of making the first move, despite fears of rejection.

  Dr. DeLoney (03:20): "You're her dad."

• Practical Steps: He advises starting with a heartfelt letter to introduce himself, expressing genuine emotions without overwhelming his daughter.

  Dr. DeLoney (04:36): "I would start with a letter. And I would be... I put that in there. I had a one night stand and I've come to find out 30 years later that I've got a baby girl and my front door is wide open."

• Managing Expectations: Recognizing the potential for rejection, Dr. DeLoney advises Mark to approach the situation with sensitivity and respect for his daughter's current life.

  Dr. DeLoney (08:07): "Done it, man, I seriously, I used to drive a bus for extra money. I have high, high respect for bus drivers."

• Personal Support: Dr. DeLoney reassures Mark of his support and encourages him to share updates about his journey.

  Dr. DeLoney (09:43): "Thank us. Let us know how it ends."

Notable Quotes

• Mark (03:10): "I really hate the thought of anybody in the world hating me."
• Dr. DeLoney (05:06): "What kind of scummy family member wouldn't tell you, hey, here's how to get a hold of your daughter that you didn't know you had."
• Dr. DeLoney (07:02): "If you sent a letter that said I never... I had a one night stand and I've come to find out 30 years later that I've got a baby girl."

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Lee’s Journey: Navigating Divorce and Dating at 50

Overview

Lee, a caller in his late 40s, opens up about his recent divorce after 27 years of marriage and his subsequent attempts to re-enter the dating scene. Struggling with self-confidence and the challenges of modern dating, Lee seeks guidance on how to rebuild his personal life and form meaningful relationships.

Key Points and Discussions

• Post-Divorce Recovery: Lee shares his transformation over the past two years, highlighting significant personal achievements such as weight loss and improved mental well-being.

  Lee (13:17): "I've lost 80 pounds and I'm in some of the best physical and mental well being of my life at almost 50."

• Dating Challenges: Despite successful dating experiences, Lee encounters issues with communication and commitment, leading to emotional setbacks.

  Lee (14:25): "He went completely silent. After 30 days of not hearing from him, I decided to call it."

• Cultural Influences: Lee discusses how his upbringing in a religious culture has impacted his approach to dating, making him feel awkward about certain social interactions.

  Lee (18:35): "I grew up in a religious culture that you did not date unless you absolutely planned on getting married."

• Navigating Modern Dating: He expresses uncertainty about where and how to meet potential partners outside of dating apps, which he finds both beneficial and problematic.

  Lee (23:40): "I just really would like to try something different. And I just don't know where."

Dr. DeLoney’s Advice

Dr. DeLoney offers Lee tailored advice aimed at building self-confidence and fostering genuine connections in the dating world.

• Self-Improvement Focus: Emphasizing personal growth, Dr. DeLoney encourages Lee to engage in activities that enhance his well-being and open opportunities to meet like-minded individuals.

  Dr. DeLoney (24:15): "Hit the streets to make yourself the absolute best version of yourself possible."

• Authentic Interactions: He advises Lee to approach potential relationships with honesty and to express his true self, reducing the fear of rejection.

  Dr. DeLoney (24:22): "The most great advice is... Make yourself the best version of yourself."

• Setting Boundaries: Dr. DeLoney supports Lee’s efforts to establish personal boundaries and to recognize his worth, helping him move away from self-doubt.

  Dr. DeLoney (22:01): "Look, don't do it for some perceived ROI. Do it for Lee."

• Encouragement to Take Risks: Acknowledging the inherent risks in dating, Dr. DeLoney motivates Lee to embrace vulnerability as a pathway to meaningful relationships.

  Dr. DeLoney (25:25): "Do you want to risk this? What I'm about to say is going to sound harsh, okay?"

Notable Quotes

• Lee (13:21): "You've been walking with me for the last two years as I navigated a divorce after 27 years."
• Dr. DeLoney (24:22): "The most great dating advice I'm hearing on the streets these days is don't hit the streets looking for the right person. Hit the streets to make yourself the absolute best version of yourself possible."
• Dr. DeLoney (27:21): "What are you going to choose?"

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Insights and Conclusions

Throughout the episode, Dr. DeLoney demonstrates a profound understanding of the emotional complexities surrounding unexpected revelations and major life transitions. His empathetic approach, combined with practical advice, empowers callers like Mark and Lee to take actionable steps toward healing and personal growth. Key takeaways include:

• The Importance of Reaching Out: Whether reconnecting with a long-lost child or venturing into the dating world post-divorce, taking the first step is crucial despite fears of rejection.

• Self-Improvement as a Foundation: Focusing on personal well-being and growth can create a solid foundation for building meaningful relationships.

• Setting Healthy Boundaries: Establishing clear personal boundaries helps individuals navigate relationships with respect and authenticity.

• Embracing Vulnerability: Accepting the inherent risks in personal interactions can lead to deeper, more fulfilling connections.

Final Thoughts

This episode underscores the significance of addressing personal challenges with courage and resilience. Dr. John DeLoney's compassionate guidance serves as a beacon for listeners facing similar life-altering situations, offering hope and practical strategies for fostering healthier relationships and emotional well-being.

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Note: All timestamps are approximate and correspond to the moments within the provided transcript.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Big news. New dates for money and marriage Getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend 2026. Get [e-mail] events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee.

[Mark]

Well, I recently found out through a family member who got to digging in the ancestries and 23andMe and stuff like that, that I have a 28 year old daughter that I've.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh my goodness. You had no idea?

[Mark]

No idea? No whatsoever.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yo, what's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show taking your calls on your relationships, your mental and emotional health. I'm so glad that you're here. Real people going through real challenges all over the globe. Roll out to Tuscaloosa, Alabama and talk to Mark. What's up, Mark?

[Mark]

Hello, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing all right, my brother. How, how's things going?

[Mark]

I'm just living a dream.

[Lee]

What about you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Anytime somebody says they're living the dream, they're for 100% not living the dream. It's fantastic. You guys still struggling after the big. Well, we want to talk about college football, but. All right. So what's going on?

[Mark]

Oh, well, I recently found out through a family member who got to digging in the ancestries and 23andMe and stuff like that, that I have a 28 year old daughter that I've never met.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, my goodness. You had no idea?

[Mark]

No idea? No whatsoever. And one of my family members has met her and talked to her and, and she does not want to meet me at this moment and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Mark]

And maybe never will. And I was just wondering how, you know, I might get through this if she does because, you know, I, I really hate the thought of anybody in the world hating me. You know, we're not liking me, so. Yeah, kind of a struggle.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow. Who's the mother?

[Mark]

Just One of those 19, 20 year ago, one night stand, quick things, you know, huh?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Man. So how old is this youngin? 20 years old.

[Mark]

28.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So it wasn't 19 or 20 years ago. It was 28 years ago.

[Mark]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, okay, gotcha. 29 years ago. Okay. Do you have, do you have biological kids?

[Mark]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What are you feeling right now?

[Mark]

Well, my, you know, my regular life, I feel pretty good. I have nothing, you know, nothing to complain about that, but, you know, just thought of somebody, you know, thinking that I might be a bad person, you know, and not want to have anything to do with me because something somebody else might have, you know, said to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Them, you know, So I. I wouldn't want to meet you if that's. If that's what your concern was.

[Mark]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's what I mean by that. Because you would be needing me to make you feel better.

[Mark]

Thanks. So, yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you told me I have a daughter and my heart just expanded.

[Mark]

It is. I promise you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to meet this person. I want to look in her eyes. I want to see what she looks like. I want to know all about her life. I didn't expect this. And here we are, and I missed 30 years, and I got a lot of catching up to do. Then I would be all about that.

[Mark]

Well, I do, because when I found out, you know, I felt like there was a piece. Something missing for years, and I felt it, but I didn't know what it was. As soon as I found out, I promise you, I failed it. That.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you reached out to her?

[Mark]

No, I haven't. I don't know how to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your family member won't give you the contact info?

[Mark]

Not at the moment, though.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why?

[Mark]

I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's stupid.

[Mark]

But, you know, I've done some digging and talked to other people. I do know where she's at, but I don't want to feel like I don't want. No, I don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Listen, bro, the stalkers.

[Mark]

The stalker. Ish.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're her dad.

[Mark]

Just reach out to somebody out of nowhere, you know, hey, I'm your dad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Mark]

Get away from me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, give. Give her. At least give her the chance to say that, okay?

[Mark]

She's like, I should do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you kidding me? Yes. And I. I would do it gently because this is probably a huge. Clearly is a huge. Okay, number one, I don't fully believe your family member.

[Mark]

You don't believe that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't believe this. I. What kind of scummy family member wouldn't tell you, hey, here's how to get a hold of your daughter that you didn't know you had. What a control freak of a jerk. That's lame, man. Like, I like that I'm mad on your behalf. That's. That's number one. But forget all that. Maybe let's pretend this family member is telling the 100% truth.

[Mark]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It doesn't matter. You know how to use the Internet. You know how to call somebody, hire somebody, for crying out loud. You have a daughter out there.

[Mark]

Yes, I do. And like I said, I know. I know where she's at.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, here's what I would.

[Mark]

I've looked.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would start with a letter. And I would be.

[Mark]

I do not. I do not have an address to send it to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. I think go deliver it to a front door dude.

[Mark]

Well, I don't know exactly where she lives.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, then hire a private investigator. Within 24 hours you'll have all that information. It's going to cost you fifteen hundred dollars.

[Mark]

Okay, so you don't think it's. You believe I need to reach out and not be scared to do it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Bro, this is your daughter. But if you go in there and say hey, I just. The thought of you being mad at me. I just couldn't live with myself. Then I would never. I wouldn't even acknowledge the letter.

[Mark]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you sent a letter that said I never. I just found out the wildest, most amazing news. I have a daughter that I haven't met for 30 years and I didn't even know you were here. We found out through 23andMe. I'm stunned as you probably are. I don't know what stories you've heard about me. Here's about my life. I feel like another chamber in my heart just opened up and I gotta feel like I got a lot of catching up to do. But I also realize this throws a huge grenade in your life. Here's my contact info. Here's my cell phone number. I don't know how to do this right. Because I've never had this happen. So I don't want to smother you. I don't want like you see what I'm saying, right?

[Mark]

And that's nothing. I just don't know how to. You know how to do it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Lead with that. None of. There's not a road map for how do you say hello to a 30 year old child of yours that you didn't even know you had because you had a one night stand and your partner that you had a one night stand with just didn't tell you.

[Lee]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I would put clear in the letter. Not trying to cya already, but put it in the letter. I had zero knowledge that you were around and I wouldn't even go if you can go back to the date. I had a one night stand.

[Mark]

Oh, I know the date. I know where it happened.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I put that in there. I had a one night stand and I've come to find out 30 years later that I've got a baby girl and my front door is wide open.

[Mark]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I also realize you're have. You have your own life. And if you don't want to talk to me, I understand. I'LL be heartbroken. But I want to honor and respect you.

[Mark]

Well, that's what I needed to hear. I just needed a little push because.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What are you nervous about, man?

[Mark]

I'm always nervous about everything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How come?

[Mark]

And I w. My whole life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you nervous with your own kids.

[Mark]

From. Sometimes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. It's okay to be nervous about stuff and be anxious about stuff. I'm that way. But if you need to today, Mark, do me a favor. How old are your kids?

[Mark]

Well, I've got a 22 year old son and another daughter that's 27.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Call him today and say, hey, your old man's nervous and I'm kind of an anxious guy. But there's one thing I'm not anxious about, and that's how much I love you.

[Mark]

Oh, I tell them all the time how much I love. They have no doubt, you know how much I love them and my grandkids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And do they know about this other person?

[Mark]

Yes, they do know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What'd they say?

[Mark]

They're tickled.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. They didn't say, dang, dad. Getting on, getting around back in the day.

[Mark]

Well, that's what my wife say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I, I, I, I'm just telling you, man. Go storm the gates for that. For your daughter.

[Mark]

Well, that's what I needed to hear. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, you betcha. Hey, will you do me a favor? If she reaches back out, will you holler and let us know?

[Mark]

I sure will.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you. Let us know how it ends. And if you're on the other end out here somewhere and somebody knocks on your door, sends you a letter and says, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm your sibling, I'm your dad. That blows up your life. I know. But consider reaching back out. This world needs more coming back together than it does anymore. Blowing up things and moving further apart. When we come back, we're gonna hear from a woman who's wondering if she's in a relationship that's real or if it's just a booty call. I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long time. And that's why I'm super jazzed to tell you about Bon Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the crazy glow of of fluorescent lights and in front of little screens and medium sized screens and big screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety. And the studies show it. And this is why I love Bond Charge. Bon Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I Use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress and help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat a use all of it and listen. If your skin looks tired, check out Bon Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production and improved blood flow. I got the mask and I'm looking beautiful. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin easily. No creams, no appointments, it's lightweight and it's Cordless. Go to bondcharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. That's B O n C H A r g e boncharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. All right, let's talk about digital privacy and Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like your digital footprint is starting to feel like a digital trail leading right back to you? Now scammers are using phishing attacks. That's phishing with a pH. Or they're trying to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you and be looking out for you. You get an email, a text, or a phone call, and the person or AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's looking out for you and wants to be your friend. Listen, with the new technological advancements, no one is really safe. What is any of us to do? Start controlling what you can listen. You can learn about how to be careful online and offline and sign up with Delete Me. I use and recommend Delete Me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. This way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers, but buying and selling my data to try to trick me to give them more and more of my personal information. Delete Me has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks, the harassment, and the other online threats before they start and take control of your digital privacy. With Delete me. Go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney today for 20% off the annual plan and that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's joindeleteme.com Deloney Cordelane let's talk to Lee. What's up, Lee?

[Lewis]

Hey, John. I'm super, super excited to be talking to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm excited to talk to you. What's going on well, before I get.

[Lewis]

To the question, I do want to put a shout out there. You've been walking with me for the last two years as I navigated a divorce after 27 years and my sister turned me on to your show. I just want to say thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thanks for being with us. Sorry about your divorce.

[Lewis]

Well, you know, I'm a better me now, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Awesome.

[Lewis]

But I wanted to especially wanted to let your listeners know when you talk about treating it like a business transaction and when you talk about not talking bad about your ex to your kids, it you're 100% accurate. And so on this side of things, having done it that way, I don't have any messes to clean up. I have a great relationship relationship with my kids. I've lost 80 pounds and I'm in some of the best physical and mental well being of my life at almost 50. Well, 50 years old as of yesterday.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Lee, you're a gangster dude.

[Lewis]

It's, it's all due to you guys helping out. But my question, if you keep getting.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Older, you're gonna be as old as Kelly one day.

[Lewis]

Yeah, well, you know, not a bad thing. I'm excited to be 50. I've been running around with fabulously 50.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

On my car, so that's amazing all. How can I help? What's up?

[Lewis]

Well, I kind of dipped my toe into the dating pool about six months ago using an app which was good and bad. And it was an incredible six months. And I feel like I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would, I grew a lot, but I found that when we had our times together, we shared weekends together. It was incredible. It was peaceful, there was great conversation, all of that. But then the in between times, he would go completely silent. And I know you talk a lot about behavior, being a language and it just got to the place where after 30 days of not hearing it all from him, I decided to call it. And that was very hard. And I'm about a week out grieving all of that, but I just am struggling with a woman at my age. I feel great where I am in my own life, but I want to share life with someone and it's not easy to know how to do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, so. So wait a minute. Lee, you said you dipped your toe in. It sounded like you went all into was pretty great. Okay, so what was it like being with somebody new after being with somebody for 27 years?

[Lewis]

Well, totally different than what I was used to. He smelled so good. And I know that sounds weird, but he did Married. And. Yeah, he's totally different personality. He's very calm and secure in his life. He was 12 years older than me, which was also kind of weird, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So is he still married, this the.

[Lewis]

Guy that I dated? No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What was he doing during the week? Also where he wanted to avoid you?

[Lewis]

I don't know. I really don't. We lived about 45 minutes apart, so he's a monitor on a school bus. Just as a way to hang on to benefits until he can retire from a very good job. Very. He was very secure financially. Everything's paid for and he has a good retirement account. So it was everything that, you know on paper you look for, especially later in life. And. But I don't know. I don't know why he went quiet. It could be that I was too much for him. It could be that he wasn't really ready to commit to anything. I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He committed to some pretty wild weekends with you.

[Lewis]

Low key, but yes. Yeah. I mean, all we ever did was just kind of hang out together and watch TV and. And enjoy each other emotionally and physically, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ew.

[Lewis]

I know. That was healing for me, though, because honestly thought I was broken for a really long.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, I know, I know, I know. So let me circle all the way back. What. What's your. What's your. What's your question?

[Lewis]

I guess I struggle with. I know it sounds weird, but I struggle with putting myself out there. I. I love people and I love meeting people, and I have no problem on a. On a casual level, just like the girls at my coffee shop. They all know me and I know them and. And all of that. But to take it to another level other than using the dating app, I really would like to try something different. And I just don't know where. Where to do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think I know. Wait, go ahead. I.

[Lewis]

It seems I feel childish even just asking the questions, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Why?

[Lewis]

Probably because that's. I grew up in a religious culture that you did not date unless you absolutely planned on getting married, and you didn't do that till you at least were out of high school. And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, you're 50. Let's just. Let's just call that.

[Lewis]

I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's just call it. Okay, you're free.

[Lewis]

Yeah, you're free.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And.

[Lewis]

But I don't know how.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know you don't know how. And in a over sexed dating culture that's just gone insane, you're gonna get yourself hurt and you know that.

[Lewis]

Yes. Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so there's a balance between, like, Some guy has to call your dad and court you or whatever that wildness is and whatever.

[Lewis]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And has to come over to your house in a covered wagon with a staff and be like, I knock three times for four goats or what? I don't know what happens. Like, there's that and then there's like 50 year old Lee, like out here on Broadway in Nashville in a pedal tavern all by yourself in boots and like short jean shorts, just going, I'm fabulous in 50. And you're just rocking it onto the break of dawn. There's a balance there too, right?

[Lewis]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I think. And can we just. Can I like, be super direct?

[Lewis]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You kind of just got your heart broken.

[Lewis]

I did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You did. And so trying to fab 50 over that. That sucks.

[Lewis]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You had a picture of. I'm gonna be careful this time and I know what I'm looking for, and I'm gonna date carefully. And he ended up hooking up with Dan the. The. The bus driver. And you became a weekend booty call. And you're like, no, we're. He has a retirement account.

[Lewis]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then he just ghosted you all week until he wanted some weekend, would you call it, emotional and physical? He smelled nice. Right? Okay, so here's the thing. Here's what I want you to do. A don't pretend that your way of navigating the world, which is kindness, laughter, and. What's the right word? Bubbliness. That is both your way of navigating the world and that's both your way of protecting yourself from the world. Fair.

[Lewis]

Yes. Very fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You smile and things away. Right?

[Lewis]

Yeah. I have a tendency to put everyone else's needs first.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. And that's why I would love to hang out with you because you're awesome and I would leave feeling better about myself, which is cool. Right? It's both. And so I don't want you to pretend that your outgoingness and your kindness and your fun with the people at the coffee shop is the same thing as letting your heart get trampled by some guy for a quarter of a century and then you decide to put yourself back out there. Those are two different things.

[Lewis]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you to hint. I want you to protect your heart with the seriousness that it deserves. And how do we do that? We're going to start with what. What are non negotiables for me. And burning down your childhood will not give you peace.

[Lewis]

No looking. And I recognize that. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Looking at your childhood and saying this. Some of the stuff was nonsensical. Some of the stuff was idiotic, and some of the stuff I actually buy into now, I agree with it. And so saying, here's going to be my rules about sex, here's going to be my rules about dating. If you don't call me in three days, I'm moving on. And I get to move on because I've been in. In unsafe relationships for a long time, and I'm not doing that again. And I get to have my heart broken and I get to be sad. And. And. And does that make sense?

[Lewis]

It does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It does.

[Lewis]

And I've. I've recognized a lot of that. I really kind of deconstructed the way that I was raised and brought it down to kind of the foundations, what I want to hold on to and what I want to let go of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Perfect. Perfect. And then I guess one big thing I've. I've heard, at least I wish it wasn't this way, but it still is, is that, like, the rules are all different now.

[Lewis]

Oh, man, they are.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They're just all different. And so it might be that you got to ask somebody out if you see them and like them. I. I love, love, love that you're getting off the apps. I think they're catastrophic. I think there's such a disaster. But also, then you're like, okay, what am I supposed to do? Just ask a stranger out in the coffee shop? Yes. Or, where do you work? Do you work, Lee?

[Lewis]

I do. I've been a massage therapist for the last six years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Don't ask anybody out at work at all.

[Lewis]

No, no, no, no. It's unethical. Now I'm the director of education for a massage school, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so is there a possibility to meet somebody at work? No, not at all.

[Lewis]

Not at this school.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Not at this school. You answered that quickly, so I trust you. It's. It's putting yourself in positions, whether it's at a local church, whether it's at the ymca, whether it's at your local coffee shop, whether it's at your office, at places where you can meet people and you can have joint interest and you can say, hey, let's go get coffee.

[Lewis]

And I've been looking at things like cooking classes and different things that I think would be a lot of fun. I just. I'm a little limited in my area. It's pretty small town.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So go do it all.

[Lewis]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And don't do it for. Do it for Lee. Don't do it for some perceived roi.

[Lewis]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The. The most. The Greatest dating advice I'm hearing on the streets these days is don't hit the streets looking for the right person. Hit the streets to make yourself the absolute best version of yourself possible. Otherwise, you end up squashing, you end up selling out, you end up compromising in ways that you don't like. You end up trying to become something you're not because your end goal is try to catch somebody.

[Lewis]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The other side of that is knowing, dude, I'm. I am lovable as I am. I am marriable as. And I'm going to make myself the best version of myself. What does that mean? I always want to take cooking classes. I'm going to. I always want to take karate classes. I'm going. I always wanted. I'm going to start volunteering at the library and reading to little kids because I love watching them laugh. You see what I'm saying? And it's going to feel like there's not an ROI on that. And when you're in those environments and you see somebody and you all double take each other, one of you has to have the courage to say, hey, I think you're handsome. Will you go get coffee with me?

[Lewis]

Oh, that's a little daunting.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course it is. Of course it is. It can't be. It cannot be more daunting than making out with a bus driver.

[Lewis]

Well, you know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, I used to drive a bus, so I'm just. I'm just joking.

[Lewis]

But that. That wasn't his profession.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. I'm just playing, dude, I seriously, I used to drive a bus for extra money. I have high, high respect for bus drivers. But here's the thing. A hundred percent of your next steps are going to be awkward and they're going to be full of risk, period.

[Lewis]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All of them. And so do you want to risk this? What I'm about to say is going to sound harsh, okay? And I know that I'm kind of being provocative, but do you want to risk being 70 and alone with a story that. I didn't, I didn't. I just didn't want to be awkward. Or do you want to take a shot at having some adventures with the cooking class and starting a lawn mowing business? And I'm just making stuff up, but like, I don't know, maybe hilarious to be the massage. Massage and lawn. So whatever.

[Lewis]

I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But like, like, do you want to get out there and live this wild, fun life? Because you only get one shot, and I'm gonna put myself out there. I'M gonna ask you out and I'd rather be 70, be like, Dude, I asked that everybody and they all said no, I hate men. Then I would join you in that. But my ch. My, my belief is if you're putting yourself in these situations at 50, you don't have any kids, you can go do stuff on weekends, you can go have some fun, you can go have these amazing things, amazing life giving moments that that's where you're going to meet, make, make eye contact with somebody and that's when one of you has to have the courage and at this point it's probably going to be you. Yeah, I wish that wasn't the case, but I think that's going to be the way it is.

[Lewis]

Well, and I want that. I want to be able to grow that way. I've spent the last two years really exploring my own boundaries in living, I guess you could say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Absolutely.

[Lewis]

And enjoyed broadening my, my horizons and everything. It's. That one still makes me pretty nervous.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. Let that NER like you would, there would be something weird with you if you weren't nervous. I'm nervous for you. Like I'm cheering for you so hard. But I'm nervous too. Like, oh gosh, hope she doesn't ask somebody out and he's mean to her. Like, I'm nervous for you too.

[Lewis]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But, but, but what? What are you more nervous about? It's just choose your heart. It's really hard to be 50 and want to have a companion. Just ride or die. And to not have one, that's really hard. And it's really hard to go take a cooking class by yourself and sign up for hot yoga by yourself. And to see somebody and say, hey, would you like to go get a drink? That's hard too. Both of those paths are hard. The question is, which hard are you going to choose?

[Lewis]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the hardest of all these things is really saying this is who I want to be in my back half of my life, values wise. And I'm not going to budge from these. And then here's some of my beliefs and I would love to have them challenged by somebody new and exciting. That makes sense.

[Lewis]

It does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I tell you I'm rooting for you so, so much.

[Lewis]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh my gosh, Lee, I'm rooting for you. You have to, have to call us. You have to call us when you get some magic date. I can't wait. I'm excited for you. But write down those things that you believe and those things that you value. Sign up for a few cool things, a cute full, a couple of cool classes. And by the way, take a wood shop class. I don't know. Or pottery. Remember, Ghost Kelly is always singing that song. Oh, my. We're like, kelly, we get it. We get. Actually, you've never sang that song. No, but she does walk around, be like, you guys want to make pottery again? Oh, my gosh, Lee, you're my hero, dude. I love you. All right, next we hear from a man who received a letter from his mom after two and a half years of them not talking. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney for Organifi. I talk to people every day who feel overwhelmed. And I don't just mean emotionally. They're physically and mentally spent. They're worn out, they're anxious, they're not sleeping well. They feel that foggy, disconnected sense all the time. And most of them are just trying to push through with coffee and more caffeine and willpower. Can we all just agree what we're doing probably isn't working? Redlining our bodies every minute of every day is just burning everyone to the ground. That's where Organifi comes in. Organifi makes organic superfood blends and gummies, which I love, that are designed support your body, your mind, even your emotions. So you don't just set everything on fire. You just mix Organifi superfood blends with water and you're good to go. For me, it's green juice in the morning for focus, red juice in the morning, in the afternoon for clean energy without the crash. And I love my happy drops to boost my mood and the sheilajit gummies that help me feel like a laser beam. Look, most people don't have to overhaul their entire life to start feeling better. You just have to listen to your body and start making some small daily choices. And you can start with my friends at organifi. Go to Organifi.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 20 off. That's 20 off with code DeLoney at Organifi. O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I.com DeLoney Evansville, Indiana. Let's talk to Lewis. What's up, Lewis?

[Lee]

Hey, how's it going, dude?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Rock it on to the Break it down, brother. What's up with you?

[Lee]

Sitting in a parking lot outside of factory talking to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not creepy at all. Not at all.

[Lee]

Not at all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up, man?

[Lee]

So I'll just jump into it It's. It was a little over two and a half years ago when I last had any significant communication with either one of my parents. And it was about three, four weeks ago now that I got a letter kind of out of the blue from my mom just saying, hey, what have I can. I want to talk to you, and is it okay if I reach out and talk to your daughter? So it's her granddaughter that. I mean, nobody in the family said any communication with my parents for, like, two and a half years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What happened?

[Lee]

It was. It was a long time coming. So I was one of the guys that makes you mad when he doesn't stand up to his parents and just kind of. Is just kind of like going along, trying to keep everybody happy, letting my wife take the brunt of it. That was me for the first. And I've been married now for a little over 20 years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So. She beat up your wife a lot. Was never approving.

[Lee]

Oh, yeah, it was. I mean, right before we even got married, she made the statement, one of these days, your wife's gonna come between us. And it was just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, it was. It was.

[Lee]

It was bad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But my mom, on the other hand, said, hey, if you. Y' all ever break up, we're. She's moving in with us. You're on your own. So. Yeah. Very, very good. Wow. Okay. So what was the big event? Something happened two and a half years ago that you just said, we're done.

[Lee]

Yeah. It finally came to a head. So my parents live about 13 hours from us. They'd come down to visit because they do that. Everyone's also. They came down to visit, and then we were. They came to a show. My. My wife and my mom at that point in time had almost no communication. My wife was, like, cordial, saying hi, and that was about it, because she was sick and tired of being ripped apart. We were trying to just, like, get along for the sake of. I don't even know what at this point. But they came down, watched a show, then went to an archery tournament with that my daughter was shooting in. My wife and son were sitting in the bleachers, and my mom was cheering for my daughter. Well, the way they shoot archery in this particular event is quiet. So my son just looked over and said, hey, Nana, we don't cheer. It needs to be quiet while they're shooting. So my mom sought. My. Sought. My wife put my son up to saying something, and she got mad and she pouted and sulked and just made everything really, like, awkward. Then the next day, we Had a soccer game my son was in, and my mom sat on the sidelines crocheting and knitting for the entire game. Didn't even, didn't even look up. Once game was over, they were getting ready to leave and my son came off the field and he came off crying. I'm like, what's wrong? And he said, nana didn't even pay attention. She doesn't even care. And it was building that my mom played favorites. My daughter was the favorite. And since my son was on the spectrum, man, she couldn't communicate with him comfortably, so she just kind of didn't. And everybody in the family saw it, so. And. And I let it go. So I got to own that one. I let it go, but it got, it came to a head that day. And I just walked up to him and I said, before we try and say this goodbye, we got to talk because my son's really upset. And at which point in time she's like, well, what do we do? And I said, well, this is what happened. And she goes, I don't need this effing crap. Got in the car, slammed the door, and then they drove away. Couple days later, I tried to have a phone conversation with my dad and all he did was yell at me and tell me how much of a problem my wife is and how horrible of a person I am. So I backed away from that conversation and just. I ended up sending him an email saying, listen, if we're going to go forward, we need help. We need to get somebody, we need to get professional. We need to get a professional involved because we can't talk this out on our own. His response was, well, if you can't talk to me, a counselor is not going to do any good because I'm asking you the same questions they are. And I just said, that's what it's got to be. And the last message I got from him was, have a good life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude. I'm sorry, ma' am.

[Lee]

I mean, on a positive note, the past two and a half years, they've been amazing, huh? Absolutely freaking amazing. Yeah, I mean, I've been, I've been in therapy for a year and a half and my wife and I, I mean, we find we're finally building our marriage because her parents aren't any better. We haven't had any communication with them in close to a decade after my father in law threatened to kill me. So it's just us on an island.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And can we all just call out? It's not supposed to be like that.

[Lee]

Yeah, I Didn't realize it until recently.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And can we also be honest? Just. Just son to son and a guy to guy. God Almighty. It'd be awesome if your dad picked up the phone and just said, hey, I see that you're raising an amazing daughter and special needs son. I'm really freaking proud of you.

[Lee]

That'd be great. But that call will never come and I can't wait for it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. But it's both and. Right.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, it's been a. It's been. It hasn't been a great couple of years. It's been a drama free couple of years, which at the time, right now feels great.

[Lee]

I would agree with that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I hate this for you, dude. So what did your mom's letter say?

[Lee]

It just said, hey, I. I've been going through feeling like I've lost my son.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She. She did?

[Lee]

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. She did. But. But she also wanted to say, I don't. I don't know what happened. I don't know what we've done. I've tried to ask your dad, and he won't talk about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would forward the email that he sent back. Okay, well, let me say two things. One, you do not have to have conversation.

[Lee]

And that's what I've been even debating on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I have a rule in my life that I only have conversations like this with people who can hear them, and I only speak to when I can be heard. I don't speak to just have spoken. That's why, like, when. When life. When, like, events happen in the world, I don't comment them on this show very much because people can't hear it. They don't want to hear. They don't hear an opposing side or they just want to mine. What you just said for. Are you on my team? Do you hate the right people? That's why I avoid it all. And so, yeah, I've been.

[Lee]

I learned that from you.

[Mark]

And I've been.

[Lee]

I've been. I've been actually implementing that in my life. And it's. It's been. It's been good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Like, nobody cares. Like, right? Like, I don't want to speak just so I can be like, I was on this team now. Unless it's like, grave injustice and then I'll speak my mind on it. But I. Yeah. So if you don't think they can hear you, the fact that she's saying, I don't know what happened, I feel like I lost my son. Like, yeah, you told Me to F off. And you closed the door and drove away. And then when I called back out, dad told me to have a good life. Yes. You lost your son. You told me to leave. Like, directly. Not even behaviors of language. Like, you told me to leave. And so if, if there's some, like, if there was a letter that was like, oh my gosh, I realized I pit you against your wife. I was wrong. Like, I realized X. Like, I. I messed this up and I want to start from scratch, from ground zero. I would honor that. I would. And I might be a sucker, but I would honor that. But even just you telling me what that letter says is more of like a backwards, Like, I don't know what happened. I just don't know what happened. And my guess is that's kind move her your whole life.

[Lee]

Oh, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She throws a grenade and she's like, what?

[Lee]

She tells it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Like, she tells you your wife. And that's just Gaslight 101. Right.

[Lee]

I realize that now. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Lee]

Well, yeah, it was. I mean, I thought I had a normal childhood, but yeah. A year and a half of therapy is kind of opening my eyes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's nothing better than a therapist that goes, hey, that's not supposed to happen like that. And you're like, oh, thank God. Really? Yeah. I. Dude, it's your call. Based on that letter. I don't. I'm not super optimistic if you want.

[Lee]

Neither was I, because, I mean, she. The thing is, it didn't say anything about my wife or my son. It literally was. I. I feel like I've lost my son and. Can I talk to my granddaughter?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, same.

[Lee]

I talked to my. I talked to my daughter about it and she's like, she's gonna have to like, apologize to everybody before I'm interested in talking to her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old is your daughter?

[Lee]

My daughter's 19.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so she's old enough. Yeah, she gets it.

[Lee]

Yeah, she. Yeah, she's 19. My son's 16.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And I bet she's a fierce defender of him too, isn't she?

[Lee]

Yeah. Yeah. You don't. You don't. You don't mess with her brother.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I freaking. Dude, I gotta tell you, one of my favorite people on the planet is older siblings or younger siblings with need brothers and sister that are just walking around with a knife saying, I dare you. I dare you. I. Dude, I love that. Good for her, man. Like, hey, yeah, grandma, if you want. If you want to be my friend, you have to say sorry to my brother. That's awesome. And it's not helpful and it's not respectful, but it's awesome. You get. You get the difference.

[Lee]

Oh, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. Here's the thing I want you to be weary of, and I can't. I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you in this situation, I probably would not reach back out because it's the same old old, same old. And even that. Even that hint of I feel like I've lost my own kid is making it your fault. And I don't know what I did.

[Lee]

Always been my fault.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Exactly. And so the thing I just want you to be weary of is no matter how much healing you do, the fantasy of that phone call coming is always going to be there. There will always be a seat at your table for one of those demons saying, but maybe this is the call and it's simply not going to come. And if you've listened to this show for more than five minutes, you know, I believe in redemption and people changing more than anybody else. That call is not going to come.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the fantasy, you want it to be an olive branch so bad. And let's be honest, dude, nobody likes the thought of their mom just hanging out to dry, sitting at home. Of course she misses her son, and I feel bad about that. But it's not your job to circle back and become a Xanax for her. You've been making her feel okay for your whole life. It's just not your job. It's her job.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know, ma' am. That's the best I can give you, man. I'll support you whatever you want to do. I think just the fair and honest and right thing, both for your wife, for your daughter and your son, and then for your parents. And nobody's going to take my decision to treat people with dignity and respect, even if they don't respect me back, is if you do reach back out. Ex. With that communication comes a road map. Here's what must be true for us to have relationship. And if you want to take these steps, my front door is open. And if you don't, then you are choosing with your actions, with your behavior to not be in relationship with us. And that's what that's going to be. Golly, it breaks my heart. I'm so sick of families breaking up.

[Lewis]

Up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just breaks my heart, man. We come back, I'll answer one of your money and marriage questions. We'll be right back. Father's Day is coming and no one wants another tie. If you're thinking of Giving your dad or the dad in your life some gear that will change his life for the better. Let me tell you about Cozy Earth. Cozy Earth has changed my life. I can't wait to get into bed because they make amazing sheets and bedd and I can't wait to get in and out of the shower because they make the greatest towels and bath linens ever in the history of the planet. They're the size of a comforter and they stay soft even when you wash them with the wrong towels. And I didn't even know that was a thing until my wife told me. But I did it and the Cozy Earth towels survived. And I've come to love my Cozy Earth sweat joggers, tees and lounge gear. They're soft and breathable and durable. And my teenage son has started stealing my shirts and hoodies. They are that comfortable. Make this a Father's day to remember. No more ties and no more white button up dress shirts this year. Give the dad or father in your life the gift of comfort with Cozy earth. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 40% off. That's cozyearth.com DeLONEY with code DeLoney. All right. Hey friends, listen, big announcement. Me and Rachel Cruz, Rachel Cruz and I, that's the way to say that Rachel Cruz and I are hosting another money and marriage getaway over Valentine's Day weekend 2026. All new stuff. In fact, we were just talking through it the other day and it's going to be off the rails. It's a weekend here in Nashville. It's two and a half days. You pack up, you get some babysitters and you fly across the country, you drive and you spend a whole weekend with me, Rachel Cruz, some special guests, some fun friends of ours, some neighbors, some musicians and comedians. Whoever shows up here. And when you're in Nashville, you never know who's going to pop in here. The past Valentine's getaway sold out completely. Every time we add a new date, this thing sells out. It's going to be February 12th through the 24th, 2026. And I know it's open this thing really early, it's like, dude, that's like pretty much next year. We know that, but it just sells out so fast. And so if you got got birthdays coming up, if you've got summer vacation stuff and you're not gonna be able to go and you just want to buy tickets or if you already want to get Christmas presents early February 12th through the 14th, put on your calendar, 20, 26 early bird tickets are 749 bucks. Prices will go up, so get your tickets now. Two and a half days in Nashville, Tennessee. It's going to be. It's just so great. It's so fun, man. All right, here's the money and marriage question. At Money Marriage, one of the cool things is you get access to me and Rachel, tons and tons of Q and A's so that you leave with your questions answered. And we have some anonymous boxes in case the question you want to ask is pretty tough. Although some people ask us some pretty direct questions. Just. Just live. Have you. You heard some of the. Some of the questions people ask? Just stand up there and ask, should we circumcise our son? Should we? You're like, okay, because we're doing this. Guess we're doing this one. Yeah. People ask some questions that I'm glad that they feel comfortable enough to ask, but that I was. Was shocked to find out that they were asking them just in front of everybody. But that says a lot. So they're comfortable enough in the room, and that's pretty awesome. Yeah, we do work pretty hard to make it a. A comfortable place for people just to drop their shoulders a little bit. All right, here's a question. Can you provide some tools to help my wife when she feels like a burden? Sh. This is a really big question because it could be all over the map. Somebody could be struggling with major depressive depression. Someone could be struggling with catastrophic anxiety. It could be all kind of things people are wrestling with. They could be struggling with some sort of addiction disorder. Any number of things going on with somebody. And so they know every time they walk into a room that everyone has to bend their world to. To make space for them. So that's that. That's number one. Number two, and this is the one I'll spend most of the time on. Maybe your wife has just learned. I'm not going to ask for help because he rolls his eyes. I'm not going to ask for help because he goes, I'm not going to ask for help because he's always coming in talking about how tired he is and exhausted he is. And everybody at work's just always nagging him. And then he plops on the couch and grabs a beer and turns the TV on, or he just sits there on his phone, or he disappears into the bathroom for a 45 minute pseudo dump, even though he's no human can go to the bathroom for 45 straight minutes. There's just not that Much Chacha Lo, your small intestine is not that big. But they just go hide inside their own house, inside their own bathroom. And that a wife just learns his life would be better if I just left him alone. Which over time becomes, I feel like a burden. Or it may be that she doesn't want to reach out to friends for help or she doesn't want to go to a counselor because we're. Money's tight right now. And, and, and, and all of this stuff is this idea that the world would be better off without me almost always. This is a story that comes from childhood when a parent said, my gosh, this is so expensive. My life was so fun when you weren't here. You have any idea how much fun we had before you were born? Do you know how expensive college is? You're wasting my time. I cannot believe you didn't make straight ace. It's some kind of story that somebody learns early on that their role is to make sure everybody else is okay. Their roles is to just put their head down and get small. And then when you become a spouse, a wife or a husband, then you're carrying half the weight of this family. And some, in fact you're never carrying half the weight. Sometimes you're carrying 20 when that's all you got. Sometimes you're carrying 80% because just of the season you're in and you feel like I just, it would be better if I just disappeared here. And so a couple of things I've learned is to not address the burdensomeness head on. That's for a therapist. And so if you are struggling with addiction, if you're struggling with depression, if you're thinking about hurting yourself, you gotta go call somebody. And if you're married to somebody who's struggling with those things and they won't make that call, you gotta make that call. Be willing to risk short term chaos in your relationship for somebody still being alive, for somebody getting the psychiatric help that they desperately, desperately need. Need beneath that. Here's a couple of ways we're going to quote unquote, practice teaching somebody they're not a burden. And we're actually building out a, a marriage app just basically for this thing. It's going to be amazing. It actually is amazing. I've got the beta on my phone right now. It's really amazing. But it's just starts with a simple. Hey, how can I love you today? Oh, don't do. No, no, no. I'm going to do one thing and I'm going to pick it. It. But I would really love it if it was something that would really help you out. And if you make this a regular practice, you put it in your phone. You do it every single day. Hey, how can I love you today? What's your picture of tonight look like? Well, I've got to go to the store and I've got to do this. Let me go to the store for you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. All right, here's the deal. I'm going to the store. I'm going to take a picture from the Kroger or Publix parking lot. I'm going to send it to you, and I'm going to go in there and shop. And you know what happens when I buy groceries with just me? Send me a list because I'm going to stop by and go. And you walk in the door, even though you're exhausted from work, even though you're working overtime and you're fried, even though you've got so much going on, your mom's giving you drama and your sister's. What? You walk in with a smile on your face and you're like, I'm home. Sometimes it's just turning on music in the car and singing really loud while you pull in the driveway. Sometimes that's just saying a quick prayer. Sometimes that's using the Hallow meditation app. Whatever you got to do to walk in the door so that you can. I'm here. And I got the groceries. Guess what else? I got dinner. Guess what else? I got flowers. Here's the third thing you can do. So that's what's your picture of tonight look like? And how can I participate in this? How can I love you today? And then the third thing is constantly. And this is the one time that love language stuff. Normally stuff makes my eyes roll at the back of my head, but doing things on a regular basis with joy in a language that your partner can hear it and absorb it. So if gifts is the language, I'm just going to grab a flower. I'm going to grab a little trinket from the office. I'm going to get two Reese's Pieces cups out of the jar. On the way out of the office, I'm going to take them home and drop them down. I'm going to constantly do these little drips of I see you and I love you and I see you and I love you. And then the last one, fourth one is sos skin on skin contact act. Hey, honey, can I have a 30 second hug before we Go to work. Your nervous system calms my nervous system. Hey, honey, will you put your hands on my face and just look at me for a second? It makes all the trouble in the world go away. What you're doing is you're asking somebody to borrow a little piece of themsel for you. And over time, the story, the narrative of I'm a burden, they would be better off without me. Is it. It withers away because in real time, they're seeing their husband get 30 seconds of just a hug and his shoulders dropping. His whole body kind of goes. And so you can't say the world would be better if I wasn't around, because it's not. I feel how I'm bringing him peace in the world. So that's a few things. If your wife feels like a burden, the first place I would go is to the mirror. How am I contributing to this? If you're like, dude, I'm not. I'm not that cool, then maybe we need to get some professional help. Maybe you need to say, hey, would you come to a marriage counselor with me? I want to be the best husband I can be. You're amazing, and I want to match this, and I'm just out of skills, and I'd love to be really good at this and ask them to come along with you. So that's a couple of things you could try there. There's so much underneath the question. Somebody feels like a burden, and it can be borderline or fully, you know, suicidal, or it could just be, I don't like talking to you because you're annoying and either. There's a big spectrum there. So hopefully some of those tools helped. Thanks for loving your partner. Well, peace.