I Left My Fiancé for Another Man

Summary

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The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: I Left My Fiancé for Another Man

Date: November 19, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony
Podcast Network: Ramsey Network

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around three deeply personal, caller-driven conversations about betrayal, trust, recovery, and the hard road to self-forgiveness and healing. Dr. John Delony, a mental health and relationships expert, provides compassionate and direct advice to individuals facing the aftermath of infidelity, disclosure of a hidden STI, and profound trauma from being involved with a criminal partner. The tone is empathetic and unflinching in its honesty, as Dr. Delony steers each caller toward accountability, boundaries, and the rebuilding of trust—primarily with themselves.

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Key Discussions and Insights

1. Ashley: Leaving Her Fiancé for Another Man

Timestamps: [00:25] – [17:50]

Situation Summary

• Ashley, after a seven-year relationship and a year and a half engagement, left her fiancé for another man.
• She immediately regretted it, left the new relationship (which turned out to be abusive), and is now living back, platonically, with her ex-fiancé, considering reconciliation.

Discussion Highlights

On Why She Left:

• Ashley admits seeking "validation elsewhere" and excitement, describing the new relationship as intoxicating but ultimately harmful.
• She identifies a lack of intimacy and excitement with her ex-fiancé: "It was boring. For me, it was more like a chore." [08:24]

On Trust and Accountability:

• Dr. Delony challenges Ashley to differentiate between guilt, loneliness, and love:
  • “He can't anchor in and trust you again until you trust you. And you don’t trust you right now.” [04:41]
• He emphasizes that Ashley must make "ironclad commitments" to herself to prevent repeating past patterns:
  • “I’m the kind of person who does not text anybody that I might be attracted to ... I'm the kind of person who doesn’t do any of those things.” [04:57]

On Returning to Her Ex:

• Dr. Delony warns against seeking comfort over true commitment:
  • “If you care enough about this guy, don’t drag him back through it.” [14:53]
  • “If you get back with him so that he doesn’t feel bad, this 100% will happen again.” [15:35]
• He encourages Ashley to only pursue reconciliation if she can offer genuine trust and desire for the relationship, not just safety:
  • “Don’t be cruel and don’t do the next easy, comfortable thing because you’ll be right back here in a few years.” [17:02]

Notable Quote:

“Don’t ask him to anchor into you until you are trustworthy to yourself.” – Dr. John Delony [04:45]

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2. Joe: Betrayal and STI Disclosure in Marriage

Timestamps: [21:57] – [37:57]

Situation Summary

• Joe recently learned his wife of two years (together for five) has had genital herpes for 15 years and did not disclose it to him.
• He struggles with trust, fearing for his physical and emotional safety.

Discussion Highlights

Immediate Steps:

• Dr. Delony urges Joe to get tested right away before addressing relational repair:
  • “You cannot heal your marriage until you know you’re safe or not. Because everything is hypothetical.” [23:01]

On Betrayal and Trust:

• Joe feels deeply betrayed, questioning if he can trust his wife about anything else.
• Dr. Delony validates these feelings: “You don’t have great communication. You don’t.” [27:33]
• Explains that the marriage, as Joe knew it, is over: “The marriage you had, the life you had, is now over. And you have to decide what I’m going to do next.” [26:09]
• Dr. Delony explains the magnitude of the breach: “This type of deception... it’s not just about emotional pain... she puts you in physical harm's way.” [26:09]

Path Forward:

• Emphasizes need for medical facts, not denial:
  • “I don’t want her coming to you with science... I want y’all two going to a doctor together.” [28:36]
• If reconciliation is possible, it must be a new marriage built from the ashes, with rigorous honesty and boundaries for trust rebuilding:
  • “You get to decide, what is it going take for me to trust you again… She deserves a path back to trust. You just have to be honest about what that path is.” [31:39, 34:33]

Notable Quote:

“It’s strange to come home and your house is burned down... it’s like an out of body experience.” — Dr. John Delony [29:29]

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3. Molly: Confronting Evil and Reclaiming Self-Worth

Timestamps: [37:57] – [54:28]

Situation Summary

• Molly discovered her ex-husband—an on-again off-again partner for over 25 years—was selling child pornography and engaging in predatory online communities.
• She courageously reported him to police, but now, after his death (in jail, from cancer), she struggles with profound feelings of dirtiness, shame, and social fallout.

Discussion Highlights

On the Trauma of Discovery:

• Molly describes the horror and isolation after uncovering her ex’s crimes and the difficulties of being the whistleblower, including being judged and shunned by others.

Dr. Delony’s Response:

• Offers profound gratitude: “As a dad with a nine-year-old little girl — thank you.” [45:11]
• Identifies the deepest wound as her loss of self-trust: “The single most profound loss of trust in this whole thing is you. You don’t trust you.” [47:28]

Path to Recovery:

• Dr. Delony urges Molly to focus on rebuilding trust with herself, through small, intentional acts that affirm her values and agency (e.g., tipping generously, helping others, caring for pets).
• “You can’t sit at home and just look out at the world and say, ‘why aren’t they...’ You have to say, ‘I’m going to become a person that I can trust.’” [53:26]
• He recommends practical steps for daily affirmation and gradual self-forgiveness.

On Forgiveness and Moving Forward:

“The person you got to forgive here is you. And for all the mistakes you’ve made, you did a really big, good and great thing. You are not tainted by his shadow, although it is cast long over you.” — Dr. John Delony [54:09]

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Dr. Delony (to Ashley):
  “You can’t ask him to anchor into you until you are trustworthy to yourself.” [04:45]
• Ashley:
  “I was just seeking validation elsewhere...it was intoxicating.” [06:41]
• Dr. Delony (to Joe):
  “The marriage you had, the life you had, is now over.” [26:09]
• Joe:
  “If she has been able to lie and be dishonest about this huge thing, I mean, what else...?” [27:39]
• Dr. Delony (to Molly):
  “You did right. Thank you.” [49:15]
• Molly:
  “I just feel...dirty. Like there’s this darkness in me that every time somebody touches me, it rubs off on them.” [46:26]
• Dr. Delony:
  “You are not tainted by his shadow, although it is cast long over you.” [54:09]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Ashley’s Story (Infidelity & Reconciliation):
  [00:25] – [17:50]
• Joe’s Story (STI and Trust in Marriage):
  [21:57] – [37:57]
• Molly’s Story (Reporting Crime & Healing):
  [37:57] – [54:28]

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Episode Takeaways

• Healing after betrayal starts with honest self-reflection, not just seeking comfort or returning to the status quo.
• Rebuilding trust requires setting clear, actionable boundaries with oneself and others.
• Profound trauma—whether through someone’s abuse or outrageous betrayal—requires gradual, intentional acts of self-compassion and reaffirmation of personal integrity.
• Sometimes the bravest, most right action comes at enormous personal cost, but it does not define your worth or taint your core.
• In each case, the road forward is deliberately choosing the next right thing, even if it’s the harder path.

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For Listeners Who Haven’t Tuned In

This episode pulls no punches when it comes to the pain of betrayal and the difficulty of moving forward, but it’s grounded in hope and the belief that change is possible with courage, boundaries, and a commitment to personal growth. Dr. Delony’s advice is at once compassionate and frank—offering listeners practical frameworks for facing their darkest moments without shame, but with accountability and the promise of new beginnings.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in Marriage Getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at 749 bucks a couple. Get [e-mail] getaway.

[Ashley]

I ended up leaving my fiance.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you meet somebody new?

[Ashley]

I did. And regretted it. I don't know. No relationship is perfect and no person is going to be like your perfect person. But there was just like, things that I felt were lacking.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you put them on the table and say, I want to be loved like this? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show pulling up a seat next to hurting people all over the planet. Whether you're struggling with to do with your kids, what you're to do with a partner, husband, wife, what's going on, your kids, schools, your like, whatever you got, your mental and emotional health, whatever it is. I'm going to pull up a seat and we're going to sit down. We're going to figure out what's the next right move. And in a world that just feels like everyone's throwing everything up on social media, that everybody's feeling this sense of doom and isolation, I'm going to hold it for you. I'll hold it with you. We'll sit down at the table, put on the table, and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. All right, Concord, New Hampshire, let's talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley? How we doing?

[Molly]

Hi.

[Ashley]

I'm doing okay. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing good. Thanks for hopping on the call. What's up?

[Ashley]

Yes, thank you for having me. I don't know, I just kind of went through something recently. I ended up leaving my fiance.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How come?

[Ashley]

How come?

[Molly]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Ashley]

That's the thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you meet somebody new?

[Ashley]

I did. I did. It was somebody that lived in the area and I got curious about who this person was and I took it too far and I acted on it. And then, yeah, ended up leaving my fiance and regretted it almost immediately. And I actually just left that other relationship that I was in. And I think I want to repair things with my ex fiance and I think he does, too. But we just, I don't know where to start.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How do you know you want to repair it?

[Ashley]

Because, I mean, he was my best friend. I mean, we were together for seven years, engaged for a year and a half, and I don't know. I Just can't. I don't know. I can't imagine, like, you know, meeting someone else.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You already. You've already done that.

[Ashley]

I know, but, like, trying to, like, build a life with someone else, because the life that we had built was, like, everything that I could have wanted. I just didn't see it in the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm wondering if you're not just in a cloud of guilt and loneliness.

[Ashley]

That's the thing. I just. I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, then I would pause on trying to run back and fix this thing. Because I'm afraid it's going to happen. I'm afraid it's going to happen again.

[Ashley]

I know. That's my worry, too. And I don't want it to happen again. And that's why, like, I'm taking the steps to try and figure out why I did what I did. And I just started therapy last week.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but the. The bigger thing is, is you making an ironclad commitment. I'm never going to do that again. And I haven't heard you say that, Like, figuring out why. That's. That's good. That's part of the puzzle. But there's that line saying, I won't do this. Or let me put it this way. He can't anchor in and trust you again until you trust you. And you don't trust you right now.

[Ashley]

No, but I want to trust me. Like, I want.

[Molly]

I know a better person.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I totally get that. But you can't ask him to anchor into you until you are trustworthy to yourself.

[Ashley]

So how do I do that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've got to begin to make some ironclad commitments to yourself and then act upon those things. I'm the kind of person who. Here's what that looks like. I'm the kind of person that has zero social media. I'm the kind of person that does not text anybody that I might be attracted to or not. Like, whatever. I'm the kind of person who you got to fill that. That gap in, not through thoughts. And I'm wonder why this ironclad actions. I'm a person who doesn't do any of those things.

[Ashley]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you say I'm a kind of person that he's on my. Like, I'm going to give my social media access and all my DMS and all my text messages to my fiance. This person who I said is my best friend, but I blew his life to smithereens. I'm going to do all those things. That's the kind of person I am. Otherwise, here's what's going to happen. You're going to go back and you're going to grovel. He's going to have this upper hand. You're going to feel it, and you're going to want that safety of that friendship you had, of that comfort that you had. And the moment it gets comfortable, you're going to start feeling dead in your own skin again. And somebody at work is going to say, God, I love that shirt you're wearing. And now we're back to the races again.

[Ashley]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the question from the inside out is, what is it about the life you co created that you did not feel good inside of?

[Ashley]

I don't know, it was just, I guess, seeking, you know, validation elsewhere that.

[Molly]

Made me feel good.

[Ashley]

And then once I started to get.

[Joe]

It, it was just, oh, it's intoxicating.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's the best drug in the world.

[Ashley]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But my deeper question is, what was it about this person that you trusted and were planning on building a life with that you were with for eight years or so that you couldn't say, I want to be loved like this?

[Ashley]

I guess there was just, you know, I don't know. No relationship is perfect, and no person is going to be like your perfect person. But there was just, like, things that I felt were lacking.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you put them on the table and say, I want to be loved like this?

[Joe]

No.

[Molly]

Okay, but that's the thing.

[Ashley]

He treated me so well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but he didn't treat you in the way that you wanted. And you didn't have the courage to tell him.

[Ashley]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And Hollywood called, and Hollywood is an amazing drug.

[Molly]

So.

[Ashley]

I guess one of them, the main things is, like, we struggled, like, with intimacy, and it was definitely more.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, what does that mean? It was boring. You didn't want to sleep with him? You.

[Ashley]

Yeah, it was just, like. It was boring. And it was just. For me, it was more like a chore. And I just, like, didn't like it anymore. But I know that he didn't feel that way. And that just created, like, a disconnect between us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I'm thinking of a couple of my buddies that are my best friends, okay? My closest friends on the planet. If they're doing a thing that I don't like, I'm taking sex off the table. Right? These are just my, like, guys, right? My buddies. I'm gonna say, hey, dude, don't do that anymore. Do this. And they're like, all right, cool. What was it about this person that you call your best friend? That you spent so much time with that you didn't have the courage to say, I want to spice this up. I'm feeling like this is a chore. I feel like I am just somebody that gets you off. That's not somebody that we're creating a fun, exciting life together.

[Ashley]

Right. And that's the thing that I can't figure out because, I mean, he was all about that. I just like, was not. I don't know, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. But then it's like I meet someone else and it's like I had no issues. But.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because you know why? Because there's nothing at stake there. It's easy.

[Ashley]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When you build a comfortable, safe time together, it can be hard to say, hey, by the way, right now, this is me. Do you still love me? Because there's so much more at stake.

[Ashley]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, here's the thing. To answer your question, the path back in something like this is you ask him. I would like a road map to rebuild trust with you. Because I blew your life up. I blew my life up. I blew your life up. I need a road map to trust. I'm personally telling you right now, I've just sat with enough couples over the years, enough individuals over the years. You're going to get comfortable again and you're going to get bored again. And until you deal with those skills, how do you practice desire inside of a very safe relationship? What made you bored with this other guy?

[Ashley]

You mean the one that I left my fiance for?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yep.

[Ashley]

I wasn't necessarily bored with him.

[Molly]

I.

[Ashley]

He was just like a little bit. I mean, he was emotionally and mentally abusive and controlling and manipulative and it just like got to the point where.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But there was a part of that that drew you to him. What was it.

[Ashley]

That drew me to like him?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, there was a little bit of the recklessness and the chaos and the.

[Ashley]

Yeah, it just felt like, you know, it was like exciting and like that's it. I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It got your heart rate back up.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you're going to be in a long term relationship, y' all have to decide. We're going to create environments through mystery, through fun, through play, through excitement, where we can get each other's heart rates up.

[Ashley]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that is not Hollywood. It's putting sex on a calendar. It's saying, this Friday we're gonna fill in the blank. And it loses some of its movie appeal. But it's right and it's deep and it's Trusting.

[Ashley]

Right. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I guess. If that's not for you, if you're not there yet, don't drag this guy back through it.

[Ashley]

Right. Well, and the other thing is that, like, he knew the situation that I was in with this other person, how it was, like, abusive. And my ex was just worried that it was going to turn physical, and so he allowed me to come back into our old house. Well, it's technically his house, but it was our house, you know, that we built together and stay in the spare room until I find an apartment or we like to figure out what we want to do. And so I've been here for like a week now, just in the spare room. And I mean, it's just like a roommate, friend, you know, thing that we have going on, and it's working fine so far.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but it's. It's imaginary. Because your body trusts this guy because he's safe.

[Ashley]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he's reliable and he's loyal. And so you're right to feel those words like, I'm at home now.

[Molly]

Ah, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Until you can look him in the eye and make the ironclad commitment. I will never. No. Come hell or high water, I will never cheat on you again until you can do that. It's unfair for you to take your need for. To not feel so guilty for blowing the life up. To not to take your need of. I ran from a guy that was exciting and also abusive and running back into the arms of somebody that you know is always going to be there for you because you all have been together for what, Half your life? A quarter of your life. Until you can look him in the eye and say, till death do us part, come hell or high water. That will never happen again. Until you can do that and actually mean it. I'm gonna tell you to. If you care enough about this guy, don't. Don't drag him back through it.

[Ashley]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have the courage to go get your own apartment and be a grown.

[Ashley]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying?

[Ashley]

I do. I do. Yeah. I know. You're right. And I. I just. I really think he wants to try and repair things because I'm looking at a couple apartments this week, and they're all, like, year leases. And he was like, well, don't do a year lease, you know, because I.

[Molly]

Just think that he's, like, hopeful that I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But here's the thing. I think you want him to not feel bad more than you want to go all in back with him. And if you get back with him, so that he doesn't feel bad. This 100% will happen again, right? If you realize, oh my goodness, I blew up the life of the my best, most loyal friend in the world. I realized I lost everything and that will never happen again. Will you please have me back? Then you all have a chance to rebuild something. Okay, listen to me. Like, listen, his hands are going to feel the same and his kisses are going to feel the same and his smells are going to be the same. And if that doesn't bring you deep comfort and a big exhale, don't track him back through this.

[Ashley]

Okay, you're right. So you would suggest just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would suggest you asking yourself what is true here. Not what is easy and what is comfortable and what is going to cause the least short term pain for this person I've been with forever. But you to say, I want to spend the rest of my life with this person and I'm committed to talking about it. When I feel bored, I'm committed to going to counseling so that I can figure out why I co create a world that I feel dead inside of, why I jump ship with a rambunctious neighbor that turned out to be both dangerous and sexy and also dangerous, literally. I can't tell you what to do next. I can just ask you, don't be cruel and don't do the next easy, comfortable thing because you'll be right back here in a few years. He'll just have this guy who obviously cares about you. And I think you care about him in a. I don't. I don't think you hate him. But he'll have deep, deep scars. And if you're not ready to go all back in, don't. If you are and you're literally taking a knee and saying, I did wrong. I blew up everything. I'm sorry. And the world we co created has to be different this time. And here's what that looks like for me. What does it look like for you? Then y' all can rebuild something. And it can be amazing. But I'm just hearing in your voice you feel like you're safe now. He's comfortable. And you don't want to hurt a guy that you like. And that's not a reason to go all back in. Unless you're really all back in. All right, we come back. A man asks how to move forward after finding out his wife has a sexually transmitted infection. All right, we are way into the fall now, and everyone tells us that we're supposed to be looking at all the pretty leaves changing colors and everything's supposed to be warm and cozy. And that is true. But also, fall is so, so busy. I've got stuff going on with family, school, work, and the holiday plannings. And I know you do, too. In a season that already tends towards anxiety and exhaustion, sleep is more critical than ever. And that's why I'm always telling you about Helix Mattresses. When people come over and crash at my house, they. They always want to know about this new mattress they're sleeping on. Everybody wants to know, hey, how do I get that mattress? What. What brand of mattress is that? Helix mattresses are that good. And here's why. Helix makes mattresses for real people, not just average sleepers. Whether you sleep hot or cold, on your side, on your back, or even for a few of you face sleepers, come on now. Helix customizes the mattress to you. I took the Helix Sleep quiz. It took, like, two minutes, and it gave me the perfect mattress for me and for everybody in my house. Plus, right now, my audience can get an exclusive 27% off their entire Helix order. Go to helixsleep.com deloney for 27% off the entire site. That's Helix H E l I x helixsleep.com Deloney and tell them you heard about Helix Mattresses right here on this show with Helix. Better Sleep starts right now. This show is sponsored by Better Help. This time of year can be tough for everybody, so I want you to make sure you check in on your friends and reconnect with loved ones. I recently just got back from visiting some old friends in Texas, and it was like a cup of cold water in the desert. And just like, it can take a little courage to send a message or grab coffee with somebody you haven't seen in a while. Reaching out for therapy can also feel hard, too, but if you need it, it's worth it. If you're reaching out for a new therapist, I recommend BetterHelp. With over 30,000 therapists, they're the largest online therapy provider in the world. They've served over 5 million people globally, and they have an average rating of 4.9 out of 5. It's totally online, so it can easily fit into your banana schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions, and they're going to connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit out of the gate, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. This month, don't wait to reach out. Better Help makes it easy to take a first step to find a therapist, visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better. Help H. Lp.com DeLoney all right, let's go out to Dallas and talk to Joe. What up, Joe? How are we doing, brother?

[Molly]

Doing pretty good, man.

[Joe]

How are you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, man. What's up?

[Joe]

Well, first of all, it's.

[Molly]

It's great talking to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You too, man.

[Joe]

Well, basically, I. I've been with my wife for five years. We have been married for two years, and I just found out about a week and a half ago that she has genital herpes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Never knew before now.

[Joe]

I never knew.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you gone and got tested?

[Joe]

I have not. I haven't had any outbreak.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You need to go do that today because that's going to be driving you crazy.

[Joe]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Go get tested today. Okay. Go to a local clinic in Dallas, and if you can't do it today, make an appointment and go tomorrow. Take a day off of work.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're going to have to solve the major trust issue in your marriage and the lying and the deception and all of that. And the fact that your wife put you at physical like. Like, because she lied to you and kept secrets from you. She put you at. At great risk. But beneath that, you're going to have a body that is screaming at you, are we safe? Are we safe? Are we safe? And you got to get some confirmation on that. Okay?

[Joe]

Okay. Yeah. Because I'm actually pretty terrified about that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know that's. That is step one. You cannot heal your marriage until you know you're safe or not. Because everything is hypothetical. Okay.

[Joe]

Okay. Well, what if. What happens? Like, I mean, I don't. If I go and I.

[Ashley]

And.

[Joe]

And I do find out that I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Am positive, then you get a treatment protocol. We're going to take of care of physical health first.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And depending on what? Like, there's so many factors here, and I. I would be out over my skis if I told you. Um, it's been. It's been years since I was able to rattle off the health protocols, and I imagine that they've. They've got some different treatment options now since the last time I looked at these. I used to work with college students seven or five years ago, six years ago. So I used to know every. Here's what happens with chlamydia, herpes, syphilis, all of them. And it's just been years since I looked at that data. Okay. Or the. The. The medical interventions. So you need to sit down with the doctor and say, what do I do next?

[Joe]

Okay. Okay. Yeah. The whole thing, and you kind of touched on it, too, that I'm actually struggling with it with even more is, is the trust thing now. I feel like, you know, she's really.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Betrayed my trust in a, in a seismic way. Let me, let me put it this way, brother. You're not crazy, okay? Because she didn't just not tell you about an old boyfriend. She didn't tell you that she hooked up with somebody while y' all were dating. She had a sexually transmitted infection that she hid from you. I'm assuming she knew about this for a long time.

[Joe]

She did. She's had it for about 15 years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. That's a tough one, brother. I can't make this one. I, I, I, I mean, I can't make your situation not hurt as bad as it does. The only way I can say this to you in a way that's like, super clear is the marriage you had, the life you had, is now over. And you have to decide what I'm going to do next. Okay.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because this type of deception is, is. Because it's not just about an emotional pain, which is big and real and scary. This is. She puts you in physical harm's way.

[Molly]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. So hear me say you're not crazy. And I actually know people who are married with herpes. And their marriage is great, but they're open with each other and they're honest with each other. And chances are five. How, how long have you been dating? How long have you known her?

[Joe]

Been with her for five years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Chances are five years ago, if she had said, hey, what's up? We've been having a good time. Before we're intimate, I need to let you know this. You may have said, I'm going to go my separate ways. Or you may have said, I don't care. What does that mean? Tell me about that. What's. And you may have looked like you would have taken different steps five years ago. You wouldn't have built a house on, on a lack of information, on a lack of trust. What else has she been dishonest with you about?

[Joe]

Well, I mean, as far as I'm aware of, this is the only thing we've. We have great communication.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You don't. You don't.

[Joe]

Right? Well, I thought we did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go.

[Joe]

And there you go. You know, that that also is part of what circles in my head now is just if she has been able to lie and be dishonest about this huge thing, I Mean, what else has over.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Correct. And that's what I'm telling you. Everything in your relationship is different now. That doesn't mean you have to run to the courthouse and get divorced. That doesn't mean that everything's over. That means if y' all are going to stay together, y' all are building a new marriage from ash. From the ground up.

[Molly]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Joe]

She's. She's taking some steps, you know, finally to make me feel better, which should have been done five years ago, you know, and kind of like what you said, too. You were 100. Correct. Is. You know, I probably. If she came to me with some science, I probably would have been fine and continued.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't want her coming to you with science. I don't want her coming to you with some YouTuber who's like filming it in the back of his truck and like, hey, I've got the new use essential oils. I don't want that crap. I want y' all two going to a doctor together. The medical degree, went to college. Who specializes in sti.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying?

[Joe]

With her, she was. Yeah, yeah. And she was. I feel like she's been kind of in her own form of denial ever since she was diagnosed with it. Even in the conversations that we've had, you know, she was like, well, the doctor says that everybody has it and it's not that big of a deal.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't.

[Joe]

Right, Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My wife doesn't. My friends don't. You didn't. Right. Yeah. This is how it gets passed around, is that people lie to themselves and they lie to their partners. I just got. I mean, I'm just like, I don't have anything to say other than I'm sorry, man. It's. It's strange to come home and your house is burned down. Right. It's like an out of body experience. You're just plugging along, doing life together, and all of a sudden it's like, oh, by the way, how'd you find out?

[Joe]

I saw it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You're like, hey, what's that? And she's like, oh, BT dub.

[Molly]

Kind of.

[Joe]

So right now we're a little long distance. I'm taking some classes, but it's been like that over the last eight years. I mean, eight months. And I go and see her, you know, every three months. This previous time she came here.

[Molly]

And.

[Joe]

That'S. That's when I found out that's how I saw it. And my first thought was, well, we've been together for five years and I've never seen this. It's never been mentioned. Like, when did you get this? Are you cheating on me?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which is a question you should for sure ask. And here's the thing.

[Joe]

And I did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But here's the thing. Because there was such blatant, over the top dishonesty. If I'm you, I. My assumption is you're cheating on me. Since I'm. I'm. We're at long distance now.

[Molly]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's. Here's the thing. You get to decide what a path to trust looks like. I want to see your credit report. I want to see all your text messages. I want to see all the deleted messages. I want to see all your dms. You get to decide, what is it going to take for me to trust you again, if that's a path you even want to take. And then she gets to decide, do I want to be with you or not?

[Joe]

Yeah, it definitely is. I do want to rebuild the trust. And she has taken steps. Like, she actually called her ex from, you know, however many years ago. I gave it to her. How do you know that she did have it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How do you know?

[Joe]

Oh, I heard the conversation.

[Molly]

And.

[Joe]

And even in the conversation, she said, you know, if. If. If he wants to call you and talk to you, is. Is. Is that okay? And that guy was like, yeah. I mean, it's a little weird, but I understand.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that's super weird.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Joe]

But I mean, I heard their conversation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you to be honest with yourself about what rebuilding trust looks like.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm gonna tell. I'm just gonna tell you from. From sitting with so many college students over the years, that path to trust will be rooted in. Are you okay? Do you have general herpes? Do you have hpv? There's any number of things I'm going to go get tested for. I want the whole battery. Okay. And once you can exhale, Then you can begin to say, okay, what happens next? Or you find out. No, you're positive. Here's your health protocol. You're going to have this for the rest of your life. But here's how to manage it. Then that helps establish what does a path back look like? What does grief look like?

[Joe]

Yeah, that's the thing. I feel like if I do continue to move forward and I do have it, I'm going to be very angry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And your anger will be justified.

[Joe]

Because in my head, I was just like, well, I guess I'll just see if I have an outbreak. Because from what I understand, it actually is really Hard to, to know if, if you do have hsb2 as opposed to 1 if you're not having an active outbreak.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think you're, I think you're right. But, dude, I'm not going to chat GPT and I'm not going to Google Docs on this one. I'm gonna go sit with a physician. Okay, brother?

[Joe]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I, I, I, I know it's really cool to hate on modern medicine right now, but the doctors I know that I'm friends with that are working hard every day, they care about people a lot, and they, they, they're good. Go sit down with the doctor and say, this is embarrassing. I just found this out, and I need to get the full battery of testing, and then I'm going to start from there. I got to make sure I'm okay. And they might tell you I can test for this, but this other one just got to wait till there's an outbreak. And I hope you're good. Hope that's not the case. And hopefully everything's. Hopefully you're safe and your body's healthy, and then y' all can begin to rebuild or not together out of that. But you're right to question everything. If your wife is willing to keep a secret that's going to negatively impact your personal health, then what other secrets is she holding? That's a fair question. That's a right question. And also, if you choose to stay in this and rebuild, holding her hostage isn't fair either. So she deserves a path. If you're going to stay, you want to rebuild, she deserves a path back to trust. You just have to be honest about what that path is, man. I'm sorry, brother. Thanks for the call. You're not crazy. You're not crazy. All right, folks, I got big news. If you've listened to my show for any period of time, you know that I'm always talking about the importance of sleep, and I'm really honest about how I have always struggled with sleep. I'm thrilled to announce that I've joined forces with the makers of what I have found to be the best sleep solution on the planet. My friends at Beam, they have an amazing nighttime dream Powder. I was so impressed. After taking Beam's Dream Powder the first night, I called a few of my neighbors who are former athletes at the professional and Olympic level. They're the ones who first told me about Beam, and I was like, guys, is this for real? And they both shared similar experiences with me. Beam's nighttime dream Powder can dramatically improve your sleep and change your life. It's made with proven ingredients like magnesium, theanine, epigenin, melatonin, reishi, and other compounds that your body body actually recognizes and uses to help you sleep. And it is delicious. Here's the kicker. I wake up sharp, not groggy. There's no sleep hangover with dream. Right now, my listeners get early access to Beam's cyber sale, up to 50% off. With my code Deloney, you can snag dream for just $32.50. That breaks down to just like a dollar per night. For great sleep, go to shop beam.com deloney and use my code Deloney for this amazing deal that's shop Beam. B E A M dot com Deloney. Use code Deloney. Let's go out to Billings, Montana and talk to Molly. What's up, Molly?

[Molly]

Hi. I'm so sorry. You're going to hear a train for a second.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, I love trains.

[Molly]

Right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I love trains.

[Molly]

So do I. It's actually why I live here. But most people don't necessarily find it so fantastic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're not on the tracks, are you?

[Molly]

No, they're about a mile away.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, good.

[Molly]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, good.

[Molly]

We're in a valley, so the sound bounces off the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, that's cool. It'll add some color. Chris Williamson has all these cool backdrops. We'll have cool audio drops. This is going to be awesome. We'll have a train go by. That's cool. All right. So what's up?

[Molly]

Okay. So last year, honestly, it's been a year. Just a couple weeks short of a year, I discovered that my partner was selling child pornography on the Internet.

[Ashley]

God almighty.

[Molly]

I turned him in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, let's sit on that for a second. Husband? Boyfriend?

[Molly]

It's complicated. He was my first husband.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Molly]

And I divorced him. We'd been together for about three years. And I divorced him because he'd been cheating on me basically every second of it. And I couldn't take it anymore, so I left him. And then even after the divorce, we were still involved, and I needed to get away from that. So I literally packed what I could into a couple of hockey bags, got on a plane and moved 5,000 miles away.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How'd you find out.

[Molly]

About the teleport?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Molly]

I had. In our long history of on again, off again, over the course of more than 25 years, I had pretty much discovered that if he wasn't a full blown narcissist, he was real close. And I had some situation in my life that made it so that I didn't really have anywhere to go, and my family kind of dumped me off on him. But he was, you know, the beginning stages again, right? Everything was all love and roses and everything's fantastic. But then about a year and a half in, things start kind of cooling down a little bit, and I'm trying a little harder, and I'm like, you know, just make it work until you can figure something out and you can go elsewhere. But things started to get worse. They started triangulating me with another individual, and I needed to know how much time I had. And so I did something I've never done before, and part of me kind of wishes I had never done it at all. But I went into his phone, and when I was doing that, a couple of notifications popped up for messages on X. And I saw the preview for what the messages were, and I was like, what the is this? And at that point in time is when I discovered the text that I had message. In that particular conversation, he was talking about having had a sexual relationship with one of his nieces. Now, he was asleep at the time, but I heard him, like, wrestling around, and I was like, is he waking up? And so I turned everything off and shut it all down. And then I spent like a week or so going, okay, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? And finally I decided what I was going to do was gather whatever proof I needed, send that proof off to both his sister, both of his brothers, and the woman that he was using as the third in this little triangle that he had created in his brain so that everyone was aware of the situation. And then I was just going to work on getting out as quickly as I could, but then about a week later is when I got an opportunity to get back into his phone. And then I. When I went looking for that conversation, I couldn't find it. But what I did find were conversations in a lot of groups on X, on Reddit, on Telegram, on Kick, all of them listed in groups under. Listed under consensual incest, where he was in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on, hold on. Take a breath. Take a breath. Take a breath. Take a breath. You're getting on a train yourself. You're heading on down track. Take a breath. Okay.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Listen to me. You're going right back to that moment when you're holding that phone and that moment's over and you're sitting with me right now. Okay?

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're good now? Okay.

[Molly]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Exhale. You're good.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Molly]

So essentially they were initially just conversations, just where he was kind of encouraging people to act on impulses with family members, whether younger or older. Until in one conversation, the person asked, do you have child porn that you would be willing to share with me? And his response was, I do, but.

[Ashley]

Not here and not for free.

[Molly]

And at the time I was using my phone to record the screen of his phone as I was going through everything. Like I started on his conversation with her to kind of prove that this was his phone, that I wasn't making it up, and then kind of went through the rest of it. But once I got to that, I just kind of froze.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Molly]

And freaked out for a second. And I remember looking over at him and thinking, I could kill you right now and I would feel no regret. And then I just shut down.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you call the police?

[Molly]

Yeah, actually that afternoon I left to go to the grocery store and it was on a Sunday and I called the non emergency number and I asked to make an appointment with a detective because I believe that I had evidence that my partner was selling child porn online. And they asked me if I thought I was safe and I said, I'm safe as long as he doesn't know I have this. And they said, then wait until you have time and just walk into the office. We will leave your information at the desk. Just walk in, they will have someone ready for you. And I said, okay. So the next day that he went to work, which was the following Tuesday, I. As soon as he left, I got dressed and I immediately went to the police department.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I just stop right there and tell you, I'm a dad with a nine year old little girl and I want to say thank you.

[Molly]

There is nothing on this earth more innocent than the soul of a child.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I agree.

[Molly]

And the idea of people destroying that on purpose.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm with you. And also, this is only allowed to continue the way it does because people won't report their boyfriends and their husbands and their sons. And you did. And I want to tell you I'm proud of you and I'm. From the bottom of my heart, I'm grateful.

[Molly]

Thank you. It honestly, it floors me that there would be people who wouldn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know.

[Molly]

But I can't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not going to spend one ounce of energy on them right this second. I'm just going to spend a moment in gratitude to you. Okay.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm getting the sense that's not even why you call. What's the what's the. What's the thing beneath that thing?

[Molly]

Well, I mean, he died in jail 60 days later. He had stage four colon cancer. And he didn't know? Well, I suspected. He refused to go to see a doctor. Doesn't matter.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right?

[Molly]

He's gone. He can't ever hurt anybody again. But I just feel.

[Ashley]

Dirty.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Molly]

Like there's this darkness in me that every time somebody touches me, it rubs off on them. And they're carrying that evil that was mine. And I can't get past it. I am. It's not like I don't have two therapists. I do. One who specializes in EMDR and one who just does talk therapy. And everybody tells me the same thing. That I did the right thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not the thing. That's not the thing. Can I tell you what I think the thing is?

[Joe]

What?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna say this as someone who is grateful for you. Okay.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You were with this guy for 25 years, is that right?

[Molly]

Pretty much. Off and on. I mean, we both married other people in the meantime. We went 10 years without talking. At one point in time, just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but there's the single greatest. The single most profound loss of trust in this whole thing is you. You don't trust you.

[Molly]

Oh, no. I haven't trusted me for a long time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Cuz either you're asking yourself, how do you miss this? How did I go to bed? How did I remarry a guy like this? Or there was some inkling in your spirit for 25 years that this guy's not right. And either you saw this text thread and puzzle pieces started coming together and you wanted to vomit, or you were so stunned that this happened underneath your nose that you wanted to vomit. Either way, the reason you feel gross and. And is because you're untethered to yourself.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Molly]

Definitely feel that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The. The path forward is re. Establishing trust with you. Not in trying to forget or unwind him, but the first person you have to forgive here is not him. It's you. You don't like you.

[Ashley]

No.

[Molly]

Particularly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe you've made a whole bunch of mistakes in your life and you've had a whole bunch of things that you want to go back and solve and wish you could do over again. I want to tell you again, as the father of a nine year old girl, you did right. Thank you.

[Molly]

I had never doubted I did the right thing. Honestly, I had a moment because when I initially reached out to his sister and his third wife, the. The other person involved in the triangle, to let them know that he had been arrested. I did not initially admit that I was the one who had turned him in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's okay. There's not a playbook.

[Molly]

Listen, everyone was like super supportive. And then the minute his sister found out that I was the one turned him in, she turned on me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then, great, good. She lost her vote in your life.

[Molly]

Oh, yeah, I blocked her. I mean, the night he died, she messaged me on Facebook. He died at such and such a time. Karma will come. And I said it already did, and I blocked her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It already did come. You know what you're getting now? Peace. It's not there yet, but it's coming.

[Molly]

No, I mean, I felt I initially I was just relieved because I didn't have to be afraid that they would release him and he would kill me.

[Joe]

Right.

[Molly]

But then it just became so much. Because nobody wanted to deal with everything else that he had left behind.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Molly]

Nobody wanted to deal with the message. The news called me out. So everyone knew I took two months to find a job because nobody wanted to hire the girl who lived with the pedophile.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course, there's a. There's a radius blast to this. Those girls that he abused, their lives are forever altered. You, his family, his sister, his parents, everybody's life is different because they were touched by evil.

[Molly]

I know it's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And listen to me, you've packed up and moved 5,000 miles away before. And I'm not saying that's what you have to do. I'm saying you have proven to yourself in moments of desperation, in moments of great need, that you can advocate for yourself. You have to believe you're worth advocating for again. And that's hard when you've been in multiple abusive marriages. When you've settled to be the girlfriend of your ex, ex, ex husband and his wife, his third wife, you've settled for all of these things. And you've made choices that you look back and would never recommend. 19 year old you make. And yet here you are. Right?

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the question before you is not what happened? What did sister do? What did family do? What did employers. None of that. None of that can you can affect here. The only you can affect is will you stand up today and love Molly enough to do the next right thing for her? Nobody else is going to. Yeah, that's it. And you're gonna have to grieve this deeply. I want you to pick up a copy of David Kessler's book, Finding Meaning. It's about losing somebody, but the person you lost Here is you.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And how do I grieve this? And more importantly, who am I going to become? Now? You want to learn how to re. Establish trust in little micro ways. I want you to start recklessly tipping people when you go out to eat comically.

[Molly]

So, okay, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Once a week, I want you to get a trash sack and some rubber gloves and I want you to walk, go for an hour, walk by yourself or 30 minute walk, whatever your health will allow. I don't want you to pick up trash in your neighborhood. I want you to knock on the door of a local church and say, I'm not well, can I come in?

[Molly]

Oh, I did that right after he was arrested.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And some churches will say, we don't want you here. And then you dust your sandals off and you go to the next one. Here's what I'm saying. You can't sit at home and just look out at the world and say, why aren't they. Look what they're doing. You have to say, I'm going to become a person that I can trust. And that means you have to have a backlog of trustworthy actions. And you don't trust yourself because of the actions you've taken in the past. And so we're going to create a path forward. I'm a person that gets up and doesn't look at their phone right away. I have a cup of coffee and I watch the sunrise. I'm a person who goes and gets a dumb little dog or a great little dog, and I'm going to take care of it.

[Molly]

I got a beautiful kitty.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If, if you're. Oh, God. You didn't have to say you're a cat person. That changes the whole thing. Just kidding. That's great.

[Molly]

I am. I am an animal person.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. There you go.

[Molly]

But my current space is relatively small. Having a dog.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm just messing with you, but like, I'm gonna take care of this.

[Molly]

I got the kitty by accident, but she's the sweetest thing ever and she's definitely helped.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's no such thing as a sweet cat, but I'm gonna let that one go. I'm just kidding. Just trying to start some Internet drama. But here's the thing. I'm gonna create a series of actions, very small steps. Once a day, I am going to write down three things I'm grateful for. Once a day, I'm going to find somebody at work, at the restaurant that I go to, the little diner I frequent, the trash guys that drive by. I'm Going to write a thank you note to somebody. I'm going to hand it to them maybe once a week, I'm going to begin doing a whole bunch of little bitty things to begin to prove to myself that I am trustworthy to myself. And you're going to wake up and it's going to feel like a chore. I don't want to do this stuff. And you're going to wake up in six months and have six months of proof that I'm the kind of woman who takes care of the waitress. I'm the kind of woman that gets up and takes care of this cat. I'm the kind of woman who sees people and I say thank you. I'm the kind of woman who's willing to blow up my whole life to protect innocent children. And that's how people change. That's how they begin to trust themselves. The person you got to forgive here is you. And for all the mistakes you've made, you did a really big, good and great thing. You are not tainted by his shadow, although it is cast long over you. In three months, in five months that we might talk about, are we going to move out of this community and get a fresh start somewhere? Or maybe the smoke clears on this thing and if people want to blow you off, they want to talk crap about you, that's they get to carry those bricks. I'm not carrying them for you're not caring for them. You did the next right to carry hard thing and it cost you everything. Cost you your family, your friends, your partner. Cost you everything. And you did the right thing. I'm going to ask you, don't give up on Molly. Reinvest in Molly because Molly's the kind of person that keeps kids like my kids safe. Thank you for being you. Today's day one and building, building trust. Thank you, Molly. I love my dogs. I got three of them and I love them. And I've been a dog owner my whole life. And that means I have had times when I'm trying to find vet care in the middle of the night on a random Tuesday because something's wrong with one of my pets and I can't get an appointment. I don't know who's going to answer the phone. It's a nightmare. It's stressful. I've been in situations where my kids are scared. And all we want is help for our pets from somebody that we trust. This is why I love this amazing company. Dutch. Dutch is the leading pet telehealth service that gives you 24. 7 access to licensed vets anytime, anywhere. Dutch can treat over 150 common pet conditions, giving you expert care in minutes, no waiting rooms and no long visits to get in. With a 10 minute call from your home, you can be on your way to a treatment plan. The membership covers up to five pets, plus you get unlimited visits, unlimited follow ups, and this is my favorite part. Prescriptions shipped free. And with my code, all of this is less than 7 bucks a month. The average pet owner saves over 800 bucks a year with Dutch. Hallelujah. If you've ever felt helpless trying to get care for your pet, Dutch gives you the peace of mind you've been looking for. Go to Dutch.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 50 bucks off a year of vet care. Again, that's Dutch. D u t c h Dutch.com DeLoney use code DeLoney all right, we're back. I got a money in marriage question. These are anonymous questions that people, individuals and couples leave at the Money Marriage retreat. The November Money Marriage is all sold out, but we have one Valentine's Day weekend. It's a great Christmas present and Valentine's Day present wrapped in one. Come spend a couple of days here in Nashville with me and my friend Rachel Cruz. It's the greatest marriage retreat on the planet. We have a bunch of rad surprises this year, different than any other year. We've got some cool guests that are going to make some guest appearances. It's going to be rad, rad, rad. Can't wait. All right, here is a question that somebody left at last year's money marriage. My wife has a big mean streak. She's quick to anger and quick to belittle me. She will usually apologize after the fact and acknowledge that she was rude or disrespectful, but doesn't implement any changes and the behavior continues. How do I learn to live with this without losing my patience with her in snapping back? All right, this is unpopular, what I'm about to say, but this is the path you have. You have a. The roads diverged in a wood and you get to take one or the other. Path number one is you just suck it up and say my wife is a complete jerk. She's disrespectful, she's rude, she's mean. And that's who I married. And I'm not going to ever complain about it again because this is what I'm actively choosing on a day in and day out basis. Period. That's one or number two Is you draw a line in the sand that says, I'm a grown man, I'm your husband, I love you, and I am not going to be in an unsafe relationship any longer. And that means you have to go do the work to figure out why you're so angry all the time, why you belittled, why it feels good for you in a moment to belittle me. Not going to be a punching back. And that's you coming up with an or what statement. If this happens again, you are choosing to not be married to me anymore. The other choice you have, here's a third option. You can choose that she, for a season, does not get a vote. I'm not going to cash in my character because of somebody else's behavior. So what I mean by that, how do I learn to live with this without losing my patience and snapping back? She doesn't get that anymore for a season. You're out of the you get a vote box. In my life. I'm not going to lose my patience because I'm. I'm not giving that to you. I'm not going to snap back because I'm not a guy who repays evil with evil. I'm not a guy who belittles my wife. That means sometimes I'm gonna. When you get going, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna stop you. I'm gonna head out. I'm gonna go have dinner by myself this evening. I'll be back later. Because I'm a guy that doesn't ever disrespect or belittle his wife, even when she's doing it to me. Because I'm a grown man and I'm in control of my feelings, my actions, and my emotions, period. We've got to, as married couples, get out of this. Well, he made me. And if she doesn't, then I have to. All of that is bull crap. You get to choose what you do next every time. And if you can't choose, you get to choose to extract yourself from a situation so that you can exhale. If you find yourself about to snap back, leave, walk out the door. If you find yourself losing your patience, call her on the way home. Or if she can't have that, text her on the way home and say, my patience is thin and I'm a guy who honors his wife. So I'm going to stop off and go to the gym. I'm gonna stop off and play music with my buddies. But at some point, you either accept, this is the life I signed up for, and she gets to run all over me, or I'm gonna have an or what statement and draw a line in the ground, line in the sand. Your choice.