I Love My Husband, but I Don’t Like Him Anymore

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: "I Love My Husband, but I Don’t Like Him Anymore"

Date: February 4, 2026
Network: Ramsey Network
Host: Dr. John Delony

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Overview

In this episode, Dr. John Delony tackles a series of deeply personal, caller-driven questions about relationships and mental health. The centerpiece is a candid conversation with a woman grappling with disconnection in her marriage: she loves her husband but admits she doesn't like the current version of him. Dr. Delony explores themes of evolving relationships, unmet emotional needs, parental guilt, addiction in the family, and the challenges of major life transitions, offering both philosophical wisdom and practical strategies.

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1. Loving but Not Liking Your Spouse Anymore (00:05 – 17:39)

Key Topics

• Marriage evolves as people change—sometimes you find yourself loving but not liking your partner's current version.
• Emotional and physical exhaustion can breed apathy and disconnection.
• Distinction between contentment and apathy in long-term relationships.
• The importance of being seen, heard, and emotionally validated.
• The "figure-eight" dynamic of physical and emotional intimacy.

Call Breakdown

- Introduction

The caller, Lynn from Cincinnati, describes feeling disconnected from her husband, a teacher who's now drained and somewhat disengaged since they became parents to three kids (00:05 – 01:05).

- What Changed?

• Husband is described as exhausted, "tired all the time," less present at home, and reaching his capacity after the third child (02:08).
• Though their intimacy remains positive, Lynn seeks more day-to-day engagement (02:47).

"I just want to be loved for who I am and not who you want me to be. But I want more. I want more engagement. I want more communication. I want more presence." — Caller Lynn (02:29)

- Dr. Delony's Insights

• Suggests medical checkup (blood work, testosterone) as men often experience steep energy changes around age 40 (02:55 – 03:54).
• Reframes teacher’s professional life: He “wins” at work with students, but loses with parents/administrators (05:12).
• At home, the couple’s main connection is sexual, but Lynn needs more emotional presence; her husband wants more constant physical affection (06:00).
• Emotional needs expressed: wants to be seen, have conversations, and spiritual connection rekindled (07:18).

“What is the thing you are missing in the middle of your chest?” — Dr. Delony (08:11)

- The Roots of Disconnection

• Dr. Delony observes: Many men feel home becomes a "failure factory," where nothing they do is ever enough (10:05).
• Both partners are pouring all their unmet needs into each other, creating stress (10:53).
• Discusses the “figure 8” cycle: women often seek emotional intimacy before physical, men the opposite (11:33 – 11:40).

“Home becomes a failure factory. There’s not a thing I can do to where my wife is good with me. Because when I do it, there’s another thing.” — Dr. Delony (10:05)

- Breaking the Cycle: Concrete Steps

• Someone has to “go first," create intentional moments to address needs (11:48 – 11:56).
• The importance of mutual acknowledgment: seeing, knowing, celebrating, THEN challenging each other (12:17).
• Lynn raises concern: her husband associates verbal affirmation with emotional manipulation due to his upbringing (12:53).
• Dr. Delony suggests clearing the calendar for a half-day retreat to reimagine the marriage (13:20–13:45).

“The marriage we had is over. I want to build a new, amazing marriage. How can I love you in this season?” — Dr. Delony (13:45)

- Navigating Resistance to "Relationship Work"

• Lynn notes her husband finds relationship “work” exhausting and prefers to just enjoy life (14:12).
• Dr. Delony—empathetic but blunt—calls it immature to avoid the hard work of relationship maintenance (14:30).

“Unrestrained growth is called cancer.” — Dr. Delony (15:07)

- Advice Synthesis & Takeaways

• Be explicit about what you need ("I feel loved when...") and ready to accept honest feedback in return (16:09).
• Accept that sometimes self-care and outside friendships are your responsibility; not every need can be met by a partner (15:57).
• Re-evaluate your partnership regularly and with intention.

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2. Guilt Over Passing on a Genetic Mutation (21:46 – 37:36)

Key Topics

• Parental guilt about unknowingly passing on a hereditary condition (neurofibromatosis).
• The oppressive cycle of anxiety and OCD.
• The difference between appropriate guilt and dysfunctional shame.
• The necessity of professional support.

Call Breakdown

- The Problem

James calls from Chicago, overwhelmed by “phenomenal guilt” after discovering he passed neurofibromatosis to his ten-year-old daughter, not knowing he carried the gene himself until adulthood.

“I cannot get over the fact that I did this.” — James, caller (23:58)

- Dr. Delony’s Intervention

• Challenges the belief of personal fault: “You didn’t do anything.” (24:05)
• Identifies obsessive rumination and anxiety—“This sounds very OCD.” (25:35)
• Gently but firmly corrects the caller’s distorted thinking: “Your feelings in this situation are incorrect. They’re giving you poor signals.” (26:19)
• Urges action over rumination: therapy, possibly temporary medication, and honest communication with both wife and daughter (34:40).

“Peace will not come from intellectually ruminating over things for the rest of your life. It will come from taking the next right actions.” — Dr. Delony (34:01)

- Honest Conversation with Children

Shares a moving personal story about reframing “problems” as gifts and encouraging compassion.

“I looked at my daughter and said, ‘You got chosen too.’ And dude, she grew about two feet when we had that conversation.” — Dr. Delony (35:36)

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3. Handling Parents' Alcoholism During the Holidays (38:57 – 47:41)

Key Topics

• Setting and enforcing healthy boundaries with addicted loved ones.
• The limitations of control over others, especially parents.
• The necessity of grieving “what could have been” in relationships changed by addiction.
• Compassion and firmness: the path of holding boundaries.

Call Breakdown

- The Problem

Clara from Athens, Georgia, seeks advice on managing her parents’ drinking problem over the holidays, noting hospitalizations and heavy, years-long alcohol abuse (39:09).

“It’s not good.” — Clara (40:50)

- Dr. Delony’s Stance

• You can't make them change; alcohol is the way they cope, and it works for them even as it harms them (41:16).
• Set non-negotiable boundaries (“If you’re drinking, we’re going to leave”) and be prepared to enforce them, even if it means leaving a holiday gathering (42:10, 42:34).
• The importance of grief work—mourning who your parents once were without getting stuck in fantasy (43:53).

“A boundary is only a boundary if it holds. Otherwise, it’s just talk.” — Dr. Delony (43:39)

- Practical Examples

• Use notes to communicate important points when loved ones are intoxicated; arguments in those moments are pointless.
• Prepare to hold your ground and have logistical alternatives (e.g. hotel rooms).
• Remain compassionate but firm; holding boundaries can be the most loving act (47:03).

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4. Quick Hit: Prioritizing Marriage After a Baby (47:41 – End)

Key Topics

• After a decade as just a couple, a new baby changes the marriage completely.
• Be intentional about building a “new marriage” every season of life.
• Regularly clear the decks and ask “How can I love you in this season?”

“The marriage that you had is over, doesn’t exist anymore. That can be a scary, terrifying thing… or it can be awesome. It’s just a different kind of awesome.” — Dr. Delony (47:41)

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Notable Quotes and Moments

• On Reimagining Marriage:
  “The marriage we had is over. We've never been married before; we have three kids who are heading into middle school. …How can I love you in this season?”
  — Dr. John Delony (13:45 – 14:01)

• On Setting Boundaries:
  “A boundary is only a boundary if it holds. Otherwise it’s just talk.”
  — Dr. John Delony (43:39)

• On Men and the "Failure Factory" at Home:
  “Home becomes a failure factory. There’s not a thing I can do to where my wife is good with me.”
  — Dr. John Delony (10:05)

• On Growth for the Sake of Growth:
  “Unrestrained growth is called cancer.”
  — Dr. John Delony (15:07)

• On Seeking Peace:
  “Peace will not come from intellectually ruminating over things for the rest of your life. It will come from taking the next right actions.”
  — Dr. John Delony (34:01)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:05 – Lynn introduces her marital challenge
• 02:29 – Lynn’s husband’s plea: "I just want to be loved for who I am…"
• 03:54 – Dr. Delony recommends health screen and reframes midlife fatigue
• 10:05 – “Home becomes a failure factory” insight
• 11:33 – 11:40 – The "figure 8" of emotional vs. physical intimacy
• 13:45 – Dr. Delony's roadmap for a new marriage: "How can I love you in this season?"
• 15:07 – “Unrestrained growth is called cancer.”
• 21:46 – James calls about genetic guilt
• 23:58 – James: "I cannot get over the fact that I did this."
• 34:01 – Dr. Delony: “Peace will not come from ruminating…”
• 38:57 – Clara calls about her parents’ drinking
• 43:39 – “A boundary is only a boundary if it holds…”
• 47:41 – How to prioritize marriage after a baby

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Final Thoughts

This episode reflects Dr. Delony’s core philosophies:

• Relationships are dynamic and require intentional reinvention
• Needs must be clearly identified and communicated, without expecting a partner to fulfill every desire
• Boundaries—kind, clear, and consistent—are critical, especially when addiction is involved
• Guilt, anxiety, and rumination can be addressed by bold, honest action—often with professional support
• Each new season in marriage is an invitation to build something new, together

Dr. Delony keeps things real, practical, and filled with empathy—challenging callers while reminding them (and listeners) that it’s okay to start again, as many times as it takes.

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Transcript

[Caller]

You talk a lot about through the course of the marriage. You're married to, like, a lot of different versions of your person.

[John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Caller]

And I feel like I'm trying to reconcile, like, not loving this version of the person that I love.

[John DeLoney]

All right, so tell me about this, this new version. Did he get leather pants and a motorcycle?

[Caller]

Oh, no, no, no. It's the opposite, actually.

[John DeLoney]

Hey, what's going on? This is John with a Do John DeLoney show. I'm glad you are joining us from all over the planet sitting with real people going through real challenges in their life. If you want to be on this show, I'd love to have you go to johndalony.com ask a s k, fill out the form and Kelly will go through all the messages we get from all over the country, all over the world, and we'll have you on the show if we can fit you in. John deloney.com ask. Let's go to Cincinnati, Ohio, and talk to Lynn. What's up, Lynn?

[Caller]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you doing?

[John DeLoney]

I'm doing awesome. How about you?

[Caller]

Good. I'm in cold, Ohio, sitting in front of my fireplace.

[John DeLoney]

Oh, that sounds awesome. I'm in a. I'm in a cold studio getting stared to death with cold lasers by Kelly. So I'm.

[Caller]

Hi, Kelly.

[John DeLoney]

She just flipped you off? Because that's what she does. She didn't, actually. I did not. She didn't. What's up?

[Caller]

So you talk a lot about how through the course of a marriage, you're married to, like, a lot of different.

[Caller or Guest]

Versions of your person.

[John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Caller]

And I feel like I'm trying to reconcile, like, not loving this version of the person that I love, if that makes sense.

[John DeLoney]

Is it. Okay, is it not loving or is it. I don't, I love this guy, but I don't like this new version.

[Caller]

Yes, that's exactly it.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

We are like. So I want to. I'm going to do the caveat thing that everyone does, but, like, we are in it forever. He's a great man and we're really happy.

[John DeLoney]

Blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay. Blah, blah, blah. Right, right. So tell me about this, this new version. Did he get leather pants and a motorcycle?

[Caller]

Oh, no, no, no. It's the opposite, actually. So he's a teacher.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

He is exhausted. Like, he. And I feel like when we got to three kids, we reached his capacity, and I just feel like he is a little disengaged.

[Caller or Guest]

A little?

[Caller]

Yeah. He just is tired all the time, and I feel like I need more from him. And I Want more from him. And the words. We had a good little argument the other day, and the words he ended it with are like, I just want to be loved for who I am and not who you want me to be. But I, like, want more. I want more engagement. I want more communication. I want more presence.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Does that make sense?

[John DeLoney]

Yeah, totally. So a couple of things here, and I'm going to throw one thing out that I don't think I've ever thrown out initially, like this. How old is he?

[Caller]

Yeah, he's almost 40.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you to. And I have no affiliation with this company. This is just who I use. Yeah. I want you and him in the. In the new year. We're recording this right before New Year's, but this will be out, like, in late January, February. I want y' all to go to function and get your blood work done.

[Caller]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

Because I want him to check several things, including his testosterone and free test, and I want you to see how he's doing. That's number one.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

There's a falling off a cliff at about 40 for some men.

[Caller]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

And it feels like the world's coming to an end.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

World's coming to an end. Not psychologically as much as I. I literally can't do the things I used to be able to do. And, yeah, it's been transformative for me. It's been transformative for some of my buddies. And so go get that. Go get. Go check that out. Okay. That's number one.

[Caller]

That's great.

[John DeLoney]

All right, so put that over to the side. And. And most. I'll just say, this won't do that.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

They'll say, I'm fine. Relax. And the path forward would be, I want us to do this together. I'm going to do it. We're. We're entering into our 40s, and this is when things just start to change. We have to live a little bit differently.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And so ask him, will you do this for me? I'm doing it. And I want you to be brave and go first and ask him if he'll do it, too. It's a couple hundred bucks. They're. They're. They're awesome. And they are not a sponsor of this show, but they.

[Caller]

Yeah, their.

[John DeLoney]

Their program and their platform is world class, super easy to read, all that kind of stuff. Okay. I feel doing an infomercial for somebody, but. All right, so that's number one. Here's number two. What. What does he teach?

[Caller]

He is. Teach eighth graders. Like a Psychology class.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, great.

[Caller]

He's an amazing teacher of.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah, I would. I would expect nothing less. And so.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

How many kids do y' all have? You have three.

[Caller]

Three that are 11, nine, and six.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

So fun ages. Like, I think it's so fun. I feel like we're right in the middle of the activity chaos. I'm, like, all in, and he just gets tired.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, where does he win?

[Caller]

Well, I think school is a place he wins. He's an amazing teacher, but.

[John DeLoney]

But even that is a place where you might have connection with young people. And by the way, I was a high school teacher. Still my favorite job I've ever had. Ever, ever. It was so fun.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And then I was with college students for 20 years. Like, it's so fun. And you can win with the human interaction with those students, but you lose with every parent, you lose with every administrator, you lose with every deadline, you lose with every social media post saying, education's killing everybody. Like, all that. Right?

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

So you can make space for human connection inside of a really poisonous environment.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Where does he win? At home.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[Caller]

We have a really good intimacy life.

[Caller or Guest]

I think that's the place that's good.

[Caller]

And happy and exciting, so that's a good win.

[John DeLoney]

Does he feel like that?

[Caller]

Yeah, he wants. He always wants more. I think he wants me to want him. Him in that capacity more or more outside of the bedroom. Like, I feel like within the bedroom.

[Caller or Guest]

It's awesome.

[Caller]

But he wants me to want that 24 hours a day. Like, that's what he wants our texting to be about. Like, that's the place he finds connection with me.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

And I feel like I want connection other places, like where. Like, where, like, I want him to say good morning when he comes down in the morning instead of, like, going straight to the coffee pot.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Or I want him to come home from work and, like, hug all of us before he sits on the couch.

[Caller or Guest]

And looks at his phone.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

You know what I mean?

[John DeLoney]

Yes. Yes. So.

[Caller]

And I feel like when I say that kind of stuff pretty clearly to him, he likes, here's it for four days. You know what I mean?

[John DeLoney]

Yep.

[Caller]

Or, like, we'll kind of think in his head, like, I just need to get through, like, appease this for a couple days, and then we'll go back to status quo.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

And I feel like, like, a word I've been kind of hovering between is like, I think he's feels really content. Like, I think he feels like we live this happy. We do live this really happy suburb life, but I feel like there's this fine line between content and apathetic. Does that make sense?

[John DeLoney]

It does, but I'm trying to get you to tell me what you're missing from him.

[Caller]

Yeah. I think I'm missing conversation, and I'm missing, like, yeah. Emotional engagement and some spiritual engagement to, like. I think we got married under this premise that we both really value, like, Bible study, community, Christian friends, and that is, like, not something he's seeking in his life.

[Caller or Guest]

Okay, but my.

[John DeLoney]

My question for you is, y'. All.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Are your bills covered? I mean, y'.

[Caller]

All.

[John DeLoney]

Y' all aren't starving. Okay. So financially, y' all are. Okay. Your sex life is great. You have a husband that still wants you all the time.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And, yeah, you're in. You're like. You're in a. You're in a season where things are good. So let me ask you, put him off to the side, huh? What is the thing you are missing in your. The middle of your chest?

[Caller]

I think I'm missing feeling seen.

[John DeLoney]

There you go. Continue with that.

[Caller]

Yeah. Like, I think I want him. Someone to, like, ask me about my day and want to sit and talk with me and, like, want to, like, when I'm sad, want to, like, reflect back what they hear me saying and just, like, care about that. Yeah. Does that make sense?

[John DeLoney]

Totally. Where are you seeing? Where else are you not feeling like you're being seen?

[Caller]

I mean, our kids are hard right now. They're the best. It's so fun. But they are fighting all the time. I feel a little bit like their punching bag, so they don't see me that well.

[John DeLoney]

Who else? What about your girlfriends?

[Caller]

I have great girlfriends, but I feel like my own spiritual. Like, I have a great little Bible study that I love, but we are, like, inconsistently meeting, kind of texting every day, getting together when we can. And I know they'd be there in the drop of a hat if anything happened, but it's, like, nothing structured.

[John DeLoney]

Yes. So we could go down this road for a while, but here's. Here's two things I'm hearing.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Number one is in the marathon of life, your husband's looking at you and saying, I'm doing everything.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And the finish line keeps moving.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And so.

[Caller]

So I'm super intense.

[John DeLoney]

Well, it's not about that. Like, he married an intense woman. Like, and he loves that.

[Caller]

He did.

[John DeLoney]

But what I'm saying is, it's the. The. The words behind closed doors. When I talk to men all over the country, From. From high school teachers to CEOs.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Is home becomes a failure factory.

[Caller]

Huh.

[John DeLoney]

There's not a thing I can do to where my wife is good with me. Because when I do it, the thing. Whatever the thing is, there's another thing. And then there's another thing.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

What I hear often is. And again, this is not about blame. This is about just re. And I'll walk you through how to do this. But, like, it's just reestablishing. Oh, here's where we are right now.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

It is a sense inside our own chest that I'm not okay or I want more. And slowly, when you get three kids and you're almost 40, and you got a house payment and you got electric bills and you got a dog pooping everywhere. Like, you have all the stuff, then what happens is we end up putting all of our needs onto one person.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yep.

[John DeLoney]

And they can't carry it all. And so every connection. He. Every connection point on the planet for him is having sex with you. Because that's how most men connect.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yes. That's true.

[John DeLoney]

And there's. There's a. There's a weird passing in the night where men often need to do something physical to let their bodies know it's okay to be vulnerable emotionally. And for all of human history, sex for women meant maybe pregnancy, which meant maybe death.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And so before I can do something physical with you, I have to know you're gonna be there. I have to know there's emotional safety here.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And so you end up going in this figure 8, where I need emotional safety to be physical, and I need physical to be emotionally safe.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And so he picks up his phone and numbs out, and you just slam the cabinet doors.

[Caller]

Yeah. Right to that. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And so somebody. You've heard me say this a lot. And so I'm trying to be better about explaining exactly what I mean. Somebody has to go first.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And turn the lights on and turn the music off and say, I love you till death do us part. Ride or die. And let's clear the deck. And here's the path. Okay. It sounds so simple. It's like, how do I lose weight, diet and exercise. You're like, oh, thanks, idiot. Right. It's that simple. Except it's that hard, which is I have to see you, and I gotta know you, and then I have to be your number one cheerleader. I gotta celebrate you, and then I buy myself permission to challenge you. And when we're exhausted and we got kids everywhere and we're running and gunning and we got 50 million things going on. We just assume that everyone's seen and known and they're like, I did your dishes. Of course I'm celebrating you. I brought them a paycheck. Of course I'm celebrating you. I had sex with you. Of course I'm celebrating you. And we go straight to challenge. You need to. Why don't you? We never can you. You know what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Okay. Can I ask you a question?

[John DeLoney]

100%.

[Caller]

I like, he grew up with a mother. With a mom, my mother in law, who really would use words pretty manipulatively. Like she would affirm to get something. So I feel like he doesn't hear me or he feels manipulated when I try to like verbally affirm him, you know, like, so I'll like try to enter a conversation like that. Do a lot of the like, oh, my gosh, thank you so much for cooking dinner the last three nights. It would be amazing if you could just hug me when you get home from work. And I think he just feels kind of an manipulate it. Does that make sense?

[John DeLoney]

Totally. So I don't know. Magic question. Well, I want you to clear the deck. So we're doing this right before New Year's. I want you all to plan a half day out.

[Caller or Guest]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

On January 2nd, 3rd or 4th, plan a half day. And I know you're going to be like, I've got to get babysitters again. Yes. You make a call and get some babysitters and you plan a half day.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And here's the question or here's the statement.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

The marriage we had is over. I want to build a new amazing marriage. We've never been married before. We have three kids who are heading into middle school.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And then here's one of the magic questions. How can I love you in this season?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And then say here is. And all you're doing is providing each other a road map.

[Caller]

Okay. Can I push back a little bit?

[John DeLoney]

100.

[Caller]

That feels like so much work to him. And I think that's where that like, apathetic piece. Like, I'll try to do that. Like the weekly budget meetings. Like, what do we need to grow in how? And it just exhausts him. Like, he's like, I don't want to do a business meeting with you. I just want to enjoy you. Can we just like go to a movie? Like, this is work for me. Does that make sense?

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. But he's got to get over himself. That's just Being immature.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

That's like saying. That's like saying, I don't want to do a budget. I just want to spend money. Can we just go buy a horse? Right. Or a couch? And it's like, of course you can buy a horse and a couch. But you got to figure out, do you have enough for the light bill, too?

[Caller]

Right. And I don't know how to challenge him on that without, like, fighting. You know what I mean? Like, what's content and what's apathetic? And I think he would say, like, can't we just be like, it's good. We're good. We don't need to grow anymore. Like, we're fine.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

But I feel like you're just kind of apathetic. Like, I want to grow. I want to.

[John DeLoney]

I know, but you've got to grow towards a thing.

[Caller]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

Unrestrained growth is called cancer.

[Caller]

Huh.

[John DeLoney]

And most people are dissatisfied with, like, they have a sense in their chest that life could be, quote, unquote, more than it is. And so we just say words, personal growth. I want to grow. I want to keep growing. I want to keep growing. I want to grow on my faith. I want to grow my fitness. I want to grow my sex life. And it's like, for what end? Where are we going?

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And if it's like, I sit with too many good jillionaires who are like, dude, I grew that and I lost all of it. And so what I want you to be able to reverse engineer for yourself well enough that you can pass this along is here's what growth is going to get me.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And if you have an inconsistent group of friends.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

He can't solve that from you by hugging you.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And he needs to put down his damn phone and hug his wife.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Both. Both are true.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Who are we going to be in this season? Who do I want to be in this season?

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And then if you say something along the lines of, I feel loved when you walk in and you don't plop down on the couch and pull out your phone.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And he says, I'm gonna do that. Well, then there's an illumination that your marriage isn't as strong as you thought it was.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And if he says, I feel loved when I walk in the door after being surrounded by 120 high school, eight. I mean, eighth graders, middle school, eighth gr readers. I just need 30 minutes.

[Caller]

What if he says, like, I just need three hours. Like, sometimes I feel that Saturdays he wants to, like, be Left alone. And I don't. And not always, but I feel like I'm dragging him along. Like, he'll do it, you know, I'm like, hey, we have one. We're gonna go to zoo lights at 5pm we got nothing until then. And it's like, okay, okay, let me get. You know, I feel like I'm dragging him along through those things.

[John DeLoney]

But sometimes you're gonna have to be able to say, I would love for you to be here with us. The kids would love you to be here with us.

[Caller]

Yeah, right.

[John DeLoney]

And if he goes most of the time, that's awesome. And if he says, tonight, I'm going to prop my feet up and just stare off into space, sometimes that's got to be okay.

[Caller]

Yeah. And I think part of it is that, like, he throws all the frustration of that on me. Does that make sense? So, like, when we get there and meet friends, it's like, he's great and happy. But the four hours before, I feel like I have this very, like, why are we doing this?

[Caller or Guest]

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like.

[Caller]

Kind of grumpy version of him that I don't want to carry.

[John DeLoney]

Yes. He doesn't want to carry you. When he walks in the door and you're like, hey, what about this? Why don't you do this? Hey, what about that?

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fair.

[John DeLoney]

And so y' all are both dumping everything on each other, and you're both like, I don't carry that. But a part of maturity is showing up and doing a budget meeting, showing up, going through calendar, showing up a few times a year to say, how are we? How are you? How can I love you in this season? That's not like, dude, I don't want to work. That's part of being a grown up, dude. Part of being a grown up. You do those things. You set those guardrails so you can go live a fun, reckless, adventurous, peaceful, restful life. So it's all of it. But somebody's got to go first. And since you call, I'm. I'm designating you as the one that says, let's re. Let's. Let's reimagine this thing. Let's make it as awesome as possible. And if you think it's as awesome as it could possibly be right now, cool. I want to hear you talk to me about that. Tell me about it. And we have to go through the details of living an adult life. That's just part of it, man. We got too much going on. Thanks for the call in. Hey, hang on the line. I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non Anxious Life. It is about anxiety, but it's a path that I think every couple can use. And I'm gonna send you a year's worth of the together app. It's the marriage app that y' all two can do together that will nudge each other towards actions, showing each other, here's how we can be loved. Thanks for the call, sister. All right. When we come back, a man asks how to deal with the guilt of passing on a genetic mutation. Oh, this one's tough. We'll be right back. I joke all the time that I hate being online, but the truth is, I don't like being online. But I'm everywhere. I'm on podcasts, social media, YouTube. And because of that, my personal information is all over the Internet. And this is why I joined Delete me. Just because you're not a podcaster doesn't mean that your info isn't also all over the Internet. All of us, everything is everywhere right now. Your phone number, your home address, even old email accounts. It's all out there on data broker websites that buy and sell your information and my information to the highest bidder. I don't want to worry about scammers having personal details about me and my family. And I know that you don't want that either. Delete me scans hundreds of data broker sites, finds your personal information, and they remove it for you. And then Delete me keeps checking on your information month after month. Clean up the digital clutter this year and take back parts of your life that you never meant to share. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney for 20% off an annual plan that's join J-O I n join DeleteMe.com DeLoney all right, if you come over to my house, you're gonna find a whole bunch of stuff, but you're gonna find one main theme. My family loves Cozy Earth. The sheets, the pajama sets, the blankets, the towels. They've taken over our house. Why? Because they're so incredible. Getting into my bed with cozy earth sheets just makes me smile. Seeing my wife and my daughter smile wearing the pajama sets. There it is. Cozy Earth is awesome right now. During their Valentine's buy one get one free sale, you can get a set of pajamas for you and for someone you love right now, Buy one, get one free. It's an amazing deal. And on all the sheets, all the towels, Cozy Earth offers a hundred night sleep trial and a 10 year warranty. So there's no risk to fill your house with cozy earth stuff. Celebrate every day in your home with comfort that makes the little moments like getting up, going to bed, getting ready to relax, getting out of the shower, that makes these little moments count. And these pajamas are so good that they sold out during the holidays and now they're back with an exclusive deal only through February 8th. Head to cozyearth.com deloney and use my code Deloney Bogo to get these pajamas for you and someone you love. Buy one, get one free. That's cozyearth.com DeLoney with code DeLoney Bogo. All right, Chicago, Illinois. Let's talk to James. Hey, James. What's up, man?

[Caller or Guest]

Hello? Hello?

[John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Caller or Guest]

Not too much. As you said, dealing with the. And I would, I would even stress the phenomenal guilt of having passed.

[John DeLoney]

Do me a favor, brother. I need you to talk into the phone. I can't hear you.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah. Oh, having. Yeah, sorry. Having passed on a genetic mutation unknowingly to, to my daughter. And then the guilt associated with that.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah, tell me about that.

[Caller or Guest]

The guy can go into specifics about the condition.

[John DeLoney]

Sure, tell me about it.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, it's called neurofibromitosis. It occurs in about 1 in 3,000 births. So it's not phenomenally rare, but rarer. And it's highly, highly variable condition in that. What it does is it makes tumors all over your body. Now you can Google search this, and then, you know, what you're going to see is a car wreck. And in most cases, you know, people describe this as a fender bender. I did not know about this until I was 35 years old and I had a tumor. It was actually secreting adrenaline causing high blood pressure. And so they said, you know, you have this. And I said, no, I had no idea. And then they looked into it further and they found out that I have this condition unknowingly for my entire life. Most people are diagnosed, you know, when they're five, six, seven years old. So when my daughter exhibited some of the same, some of the same, like, manifestations, little, little, little marks on her skin, it. I know I put two and two together and I, I came up with this. Now, granted, everything with her so far is okay, but any instance in which she says that she feels pain or whatever is an immediate trigger for me in that I think that there's some kind of growth or something in her. And I cannot get over the fact that I did this.

[John DeLoney]

I guess where I would challenge you on is you didn't do anything.

[Caller or Guest]

But I feel as though I had. I should have known. You know, like, now that we can go into all these clinical things, but more or less.

[John DeLoney]

Would you have not had.

[Caller or Guest]

What?

[John DeLoney]

No.

[Caller or Guest]

Well, that's the thing. I. I might. You know, I. I say. I. You know, I say maybe I shouldn't. Had I known. I shouldn't have gotten married, shouldn't have had children.

[John DeLoney]

Where are these shoulds coming from?

[Caller or Guest]

I don't. I don't. You know, it manifests itself in, you know, anxiety, too, that I cannot. You know, I mean, I realize no one's perfect. I realize that.

[John DeLoney]

I know you've been. You've been dealing with anxiety outside of this your whole life. Where does that come from?

[Caller or Guest]

Oh, yeah. I don't. Since I can remember, I've always had anxiety. Always. And I. I don't. I can't. I cannot tell you where it. Where it came from.

[John DeLoney]

Who told you you should be doing different things at all times growing up?

[Caller or Guest]

No one's. I. I'm. I'm the one that told me that I'm. Oh, I don't know. But there was not. There wasn't crazy expectations for me. You know, parents or anything like that. They, you know, they were hands off. They let me do whatever. I don't know how it manifestations into even. I would describe as, you know, a pretty form. Pretty high form of obsessive compulsion.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. I was gonna say this sounds very ocd.

[Caller or Guest]

Like, and it's not. I want to put the county out there, too. Like, I get super irritated. People say, oh, I'm ocd. I'm like, no, you have no. You had no idea what that means?

[John DeLoney]

No, no, that's. That's what I've been diagnosed with. That before. I get it.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And it loops and it loops and it loops and it loops and it loops. Have you ever received clinical treatment for OCD and anxiety?

[Caller or Guest]

Other than people just wanting to shove drugs down your throat and say, this is the best you can do?

[John DeLoney]

So you've created a world for yourself where you can't be successful?

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, there's nothing that's. Yeah, I mean, that's more or less it. I. I am. Right. I'm destined for failure. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. I want to tell you that's false. So I'm going to say this as boldly as I can. Your feelings in this situation are incorrect. They're giving you poor signals. And so until you decide to do some. To feel what you're feeling and then go do the next right thing. You're going to stay on this loop because I think you have a pretty freaking amazing daughter. Fair.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And if you sat on her bed next to her and said, well, I found this out in my 30s, I've got this thing. And you've got this thing just like we have the same color hair or we have the same long toes or whatever, and we're going to have different challenges than other people, and it's going to make us incredibly compassionate, and the world will desperately need us in a world taken over by robots. It's going to need folks like me and you that feels things really big. But you can't tell her that until you come to terms and begin to believe that yourself.

[Caller or Guest]

Right. You know, she's only 10. And you know, she's getting into that age where now looks are going to be important to her. And I know this sounds crazy, but, I mean, if again, you couldn't. If I came up to you, you wouldn't, you know, you wouldn't know me from Adam as far as this condition, but it does have the possibility to manifest itself with pretty, you know, pretty significant, like, disfigurement.

[John DeLoney]

Again, I. I know, I know, I know, I know. But listen. Listen to me. You got to hear me, brother. You are casting a shadow over your daughter. That's not fair. And you're casting a shadow over yourself. That's not fair. I can't stop you from doing it, but I want to tell you that the shadow doesn't have to exist in the way you're casting it on everything.

[Caller or Guest]

Thing.

[John DeLoney]

Because I remember one of my first counseling sessions when I decided, I'm going to work. I'm going to go right through the middle of this. I can't keep checking the locks 500 times, and I can't keep having these negative thoughts that spin and spin and spin and spin, the obsessive parts and the compulsive parts. And I remember a therapist telling me, you're right, John. It might. And also it might not. And that was one of the truest things anyone ever told me. And so if you're going to spend a bunch of energy on, it might all go bad. To be a person of integrity, you have to own it. Also might not. And you've been through hard stuff in your life. Fair?

[Caller or Guest]

Sure.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. And you're here on the phone with me. Are you married?

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

You found someone that's gonna ride or die with you till the end of time. And what that tells me is you've Been through hard stuff and you have overcome and so why in the world would you take that from your daughter?

[Caller or Guest]

I wanna know. I. I haven't even talking to the.

[John DeLoney]

Talking to the phone man.

[Caller or Guest]

I haven't even disclosed any of this.

[John DeLoney]

I know, I know. But let me promise you, with all of my guts. She feels it.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

She feels that you don't feel like she's enough or that you did something to her. She feels it. And she's either gonna back away from that electric fence or she's going to spend her whole life trying to solve it. And neither of those things are her job. She's 10, man.

[Caller or Guest]

No, I. Well, again, I know this sounds crazy. I. I feel that she is going to. She's going to blame me later in life. Nope. Why?

[John DeLoney]

That's your voice. That's your voice. You think she's going to be 25 and going into surgery and say, dad, I wish I was never born. Look what you did to me.

[Caller or Guest]

Well, yes, I mean, that thought crosses my head, but.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, it probably will not happen. What I'm trying to tell you here is every parent I've ever sat with who has a kid with special needs, deals with some sort of existential guilt, and that's real. And it's good, it's right, and it's okay. That's normal. But you have a layer beneath that, which is you struggle with anxiety. And you've already wiped out the fact that you live in a tiny little sliver of history where they have some amazing life altering medications. Both temporarily. Mine was temporary. I took it for about a year or two. And what that let me do was turn the alarms down so I could go do the things that I needed to do to teach my body that I'm okay, I'm safe. And if you have a tumor on your adrenal gland, you may always be spun up a little bit. And that's okay. But you're going to need to learn. I feel this thing. Great. I feel it. I'm going to metabolize that feeling and then I'm going to go do the next right thing.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

But if you really want to be in service to loving this 10 year old little magical girl, well, you have to look in the mirror and say I'm worth being on the other side of OCD and on the other side of anxiety. And by the way, there are certain things I've just made peace with. Now I check my phone, when I check the locks, I don't care. I'm not going to fight that. But also the compulsive. I mean, the obsessive thoughts are almost all gone. And I'm not telling you that because I'm tough and strong. It was years of work. But, man, there's peace on the other side of this that you have never known.

[Caller or Guest]

That's. That's what I strive for. I. I wish.

[John DeLoney]

But you, you're not. You're not, brother. You are just sitting around thinking about ways that you could be more peaceful instead of going to do things. Things. Striving for peace would be sitting down with a therapist and saying, I'm willing to follow an exposure plan that's going to help me be less anxious. I'm willing to go sit down with somebody. And if they say I'm. I'm going to put you on a low dose, something for a season and see how your body responds to it, that you can say, I don't feel like taking drugs, brother. I sat at my kitchen table and wept because I thought I failed my family.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

I was holding the prescription back. I get it. And now I don't take anything other than supplements.

[Caller or Guest]

Right. I mean, you summed it up there, though. You said that. Yes. I mean, essentially you describe feeling like a failure.

[John DeLoney]

Yes. And that is a lie, dude. It's not true. And so if no one's ever told you, brother, hear me say, I love you and you're worth more peace than you have right now. And peace will not come from intellectually ruminating over things for the rest of your life. It will come from taking the next. Right actions.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

So here's what we're going to do. I could walk you through all of this and we could spend the next two weeks meeting every day and I give you a bunch of strategies and stuff. We don't have time for that on the show. I'm going to do a couple of things for you. Okay.

[Caller or Guest]

All right.

[John DeLoney]

I'm going to send you two copies of Building a Non Anxious Life. It's the number one best selling book. It resonated throughout the world. Okay. It's a different path towards healing an anxious body. And I'm going to send you two copies. I want you to read one and I want your wife to read one.

[Caller or Guest]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. That's number one. Number two, I want you to make me a commitment that in 2026, you're going to sit down with a counselor and say, this is the year.

[Caller or Guest]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

Number three, I want you to sit down with your daughter and I want you to be honest with her about, hey, we have Pretty special bodies. They have this weird thing. And I don't want you telling her, you may. You may one day wake up with a big tumor on the side of your face. That's not helpful to a 10 year old.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

But sitting down, I told. I. I'll tell you the conversation I had with my daughter. We. I sat on her bed and it changed her life. When I said, God gave you and me really humongous feelings. They feel so big. And so you and I have extra work to do in terms of making relationships, being kind to people, knowing when we need to back away and be alone. This is a lifelong struggle. And those big feelings allow us to have a radar for hurting people that will make us a blessing in almost every room we ever walk into. And I wouldn't trade my personal big feelings for anything because that means the universe chose me to be one of the guys that gets to sit with hurting people. And I looked at my daughter and said, you got chosen, too. Yeah. And, dude, she grew about 2ft when we had that conversation. So hang on the line. I'm gonna hook you up. But I want your commitment that you are going to take a step towards you this year. Tension is the doorway. I want you to walk through the hard stuff this year, sit down in front of another person or two and say, all right, here we go. I'm going to dump all of this box out on the table and we're going to work through it. This is your year, homie. We're going to solve for peace. And, dude, call me anytime this next year. I'll be with you every step of the way. We'll have you back on the show. One, two, three, I don't care. We'll keep having you back. I'll walk with you. I've been there and I'm telling you there's peace on the other side of this thing. But you got to go through what feels like a minefield and you're going to find out that it's not what you've been feeling. Thanks for the call, brother. I love you and I'm glad that you called. Today's day one. We come back. A woman asks how to handle her parents drinking over the holidays. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you feel like you're the one holding everything together in everyone's life while you're slowly falling apart, I want you to hear me for a second. You can keep thinking that you don't have time to take care of yourself and that you're anxious and you Feel stuck and you're overwhelmed, and that's just the way things are going to be. And all the time you keep saying, I just have to take care of everybody else. I'm gonna get to me later. Listen, that works for a while. Until it doesn't. Talking with a licensed therapist gives you a place to slow down, get honest, and sort through what's actually yours to carry and what isn't, even if you don't have all the right words. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and your preferences. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions through the platform. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you switch at any time for no additional cost. When you start putting words to your thoughts with a trained guide, you feel more grounded, more connected. You know what the next right thing to do is, and you become more hopeful. You're not weak for wanting help. You're wise for choosing to talk to someone. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, Athens, Georgia. Let's talk to Clara. Hey, Clara. What's up, lady?

[Caller]

Hey, there.

[Caller or Guest]

I'm calling to ask about an issue we're going to probably have over the holidays. My parents have a pretty notable drinking problem, and I'm. Yeah, I'm just kind of wondering, like.

[Caller]

What to do, man.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, so we're taking this call. Well, yeah, we're taking this call right before the holidays, right before the Christmas and New Year's holiday. And so this episode will be coming out after the holidays, but this is good for all of us. All right, so when your parents drink, tell me about that.

[Caller or Guest]

Well, this is kind of an issue that's probably about 10 years in the making. I don't know how much you need to hear about that, but. Yeah, so just kind of recently, over the last year, they've drank so much that they've both been hospitalized twice. Yeah, it kind of started out like. Like I said, this started about 10 years ago. My mom had had, like, just kind of a freak accident happen. Like, you know, couldn't have seen it coming. Wasn't her fault. Just sometimes life hits you with a stick. And that happened to her. She's recovered from that physically, mentally. She never really bounced back. And, you know, she was recommended that she go to therapy after that, she didn't really engage with that much. And so just kind of, you know, over time, drinking kind of got worse. And I think that kind of gave my dad permission to also partake. And so now we're at this point, you know, many years later, where they will get absolutely sloshed. You know, the hospitalizations were the worst examples of it, I think. But, you know, that wasn't the only thing. Like, I'd call them on the phone, and, you know, they were obviously drunk, like, slurring speech, getting kind of belligerent. We've had them, you know, apartment sit for us, and, like, you know, we'd come back, one of them was passed out, the other is wandering around in their underwear. I mean, it's not good.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. Do you have kids also?

[Caller or Guest]

No kids to see that, thankfully.

[John DeLoney]

How. How old are you?

[Caller or Guest]

I'm 42.

[John DeLoney]

And how old are they?

[Caller or Guest]

They are in their 70s.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, here's. This is a hard, scary, frustrating truth. I'm just gonna put it on the table. Okay.

[Caller or Guest]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

You can't make them do anything. Zero things.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And the problem you're going to run into with them right now is alcohol works. It works. Alcohol helps your mom deal with the terror that she relives, and it helps your dad live in that home.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah. And.

Well, yeah, it does.

[John DeLoney]

And so the challenge you're going to run into, it works. And it's also killing them.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Right. And they're not who they once were.

[Caller or Guest]

No. Just think like, the people. Like, if they. The people they were 10, 15 years ago could see them now, I mean, they'd be horrified.

[John DeLoney]

I. I know, but that's part of.

[Caller or Guest]

What makes this so hard.

[John DeLoney]

That that is an exercise in futility, because those people aren't there anymore.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And so the path forward for you is, what are you going to do next? And it will look something like one of a few things. Hey, mom and dad, I'm really worried about your drinking. And when we come over for the holidays, if you're drinking, we're going to leave.

[Caller or Guest]

Okay. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Hey, mom and dad, you're welcome in our home, but you cannot bring alcohol into this house. Well, then if you don't want that, that's fine. And anytime you all want to get help, I'll be the first guy. I'll be the first woman at your door.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Yeah. I mean, they had kind of a.

[Caller or Guest]

Little bit of a. A little bit of clarity, I think, maybe about their drinking after their second hospitalization. And actually, I'd said something kind of similar to that, like, I can't control your behavior, but I can control what me and my family do. And so like, if this continues, you know, we're not really going to talk to you. We're not going to come up for Christmas. And part of what I'm concerned about is they've actually done a bit better after that talk, but now kind of, because I think like Christmas was really something that landed with them. Like, they'd be very upset if we didn't come up for that. But now, you know, Christmas is going to happen. And then what?

[John DeLoney]

Well, then you're going to, maybe. You have to be willing to. I mean, they're going to call your bluff.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

A boundary is only, only a boundary if it holds. Otherwise it's just tall.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, it's just, it's just hard because, I mean, when they're sober, they're wonderful people, but my God.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. And so the, the step you're trying to skip here is grief. No, grief is the gap between what we wanted to have happen and what reality has presented us with, with what is. And so you have to be willing to spend some time just being sad, heartbroken that the, your 55 year old parents would be horrified. We know that, that they're not who they once were. And, and it's, it's tempting. This happens in abusive relationships. This happens when you have friends and loved ones who are struggling with addiction. We see glimpses of them, they're hilarious, they're funny, they're so loving. And it's tempting to think, oh, there they are. I just have to get underneath all this other stuff. And we have to hold both of them. The reality that most of the time they're not that person. Most of the time they're mean or they're intoxicated or they're belligerent or they're fill in the blank. And so we have to be willing to not create a fantasy in our mind that there's some magic sentence we can say, there's some magic thing we can do, there's something we haven't said that they're gonna be like, oh, you're right, they've been hospitalized twice. And so behavior is a language. I'm going to. I told you, here's the, here's the boundary. And if you show up to their house and they're drunk, then you can leave a note so they can read it when they're sober because they won't hear you when they're drunk and trying to argue with a drunk person. I used to show up to residence hall rooms and students would be hammered and I would have well meaning ras and friends Wanting to have big, deep conversations until 2am and I would come in and say, everybody get out. This kid's going to the hospital. We'll have the big deep conversation tomorrow or the day after when they're sober. And so if you show up and they're drunk, or if you show up and they pull the bottles out and you say, mom, dad, if y' all start drinking, we're gonna leave. Are you serious? Yep, I'm serious. And then you're going to go to a hotel and you're going to be sad because that's right. But if you're not willing to, to hold your ground on the boundary you put up, then it's not a boundary. And you can do that. You can do whatever you want. But it's always coming back to, what am I going to do next? And if the thought of not being with you at Christmas was enough to get their attention, that's amazing. Maybe you're going to show up. And if you show up and they're not drinking, it's going to be tense. It's going to be. They're going to make some comments about you. Cool, I'll weather those all day long. They're, you're my mom and dad. I love you. Y' all can be grouchy and grumpy with me. If y' all are making some pretty powerful behavior change Just, just, just for the opportunity to see me, that's awesome. But have a hotel ready and be willing to call it. The only people you can affect here is you. And by the way, leaving a note lets them read it when they're sober the next morning. Hey, we'll be back today at noon. Y' all were intoxicated last night. And as I told you, I don't feel comfortable being around you guys when y' all are drunk. And we'll be back at noon. And if they're drunk again, then we're gonna head out again and then you gotta start making other plans. I hate this, hate this, hate this. For you. It's hard to be compassionate and hold the line. But when you realize holding the line is the most compassionate thing I can do for myself and for them, then it becomes the way forward. We just can't skip grief, can't skip being sad. Thanks for the call, Claire. I wish you guys the best and I hope they hold it. I hope they're willing to white knuckle their way through Christmas because they love you so much. I hope so. But also have a hotel in mind that you can hop out if you gotta hold that boundary, we'll be right back. All right, you all know that I use Hallow. And right now you can try the app for free for three months. That's 90 days of the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world at no cost. And this offer is only for my audience. Go to hallow.com deloney and check it out. And listen, here's why I use it. My life's busy family and work and everything else that the world throws at me. And if I'm not anchored spiritually, I'm untethered everywhere else. Hallow helps me start my day grounded before the chaos comes. And this year here, Lent starts early. Lent is a season of reflection and fasting for Christians. But honestly, anyone can benefit from hitting pause and resetting with purpose. Hallow walks with you through that process with daily reflections and guided prayers that bring clarity and peace. Hallow helps you breathe again. It just creates space to be present. So if you're ready to quiet the noise and reconnect with what matters, check out Hallowed. And remember, when you sign [e-mail] DeLoney, you get three months absolutely free. That's hallow.com DeLoney for three months for free. All right, we're back. I got a money in marriage question. This is anonymous question left at the Money in Marriage marriage retreat that me and Rachel Cruz have a couple times a year. Here's the question. What is the best way to prioritize our marriage after we have our first child? It took us 10 years, so it's just been the two of us for that long. Number one, congratulations on having a new kid. Number two, the marriage that you had is over, doesn't exist anymore. And that can be a scary, terrifying thing, especially if you're unintentional and it just slowly starts slipping away from you. Or it can be awesome. Awesome. As one of my colleagues in grad school once said, it's just a different kind of awesome. It's fun when you're all by yourself. It's fun when you have a kid. It's hard when you're all by yourself. It's hard when you have a kid, when you have a second kid, a third kid. And so what we're going to do is we're going to go out and we're going to have a couple hours in the morning, a half day retreat together, and we're going to clear the deck and look at each other and say, I love you. We're ride or die. We've had A decade of just fun and decadence and wildness. Whatever. Great. Now we're parents and we've never been married as parents before. What do we want this house to feel like when we walk in the door? Who are we gonna be together? And we are going to know that the best thing we can do for our kids, number one, is love each other recklessly, intentionally. And so how can I love you in this season? What do you want? What does love look like? What does love feel like? What is marriage? Not even like love. What are the hard things? What do we need to get done? And let's reverse engineer that. Here's the things from our old marriage. I want to make sure we keep makeout nights, date nights, a weekly budget meeting or we've never done a budget. We didn't have to. We were just two income couple, just living life. Cool. Now we got to start making plans. We're going to have to go over our calendar once a week because we got a kid now. Maybe one of us is staying home or one of us is working part time so our finances have shifted. Great. Cool. We're just going to plan for it. It won't be fun, but we're gonna plan for it because we're adults, we're grown ups and this is our new reality. And hey, used to be we could just sit on by each other on the couch and watch TV while also scrolling our phones and then we would just go to sleep or make out or whatever. That's gonna be a little bit different now. So we're gonna turn the TV on. Just Tuesday nights and Friday nights. That's it. And then we're just gonna stare at each other. We're gonna have to figure out what to do next. But here's the word. Intentional. The marriage you had over. Let's build a new one based on this reality. And if you're new parents, I say build a new one every 90 days because a toddler changes that fast. And then once your kid gets to be 5, 6, 7, then we're going to change it every six months, every year. And we're going to build it and build it. We're going to build it, take it apart, build it, take it apart. And I'll tell you right now, my favorite thing in the world is building a new one. It's, it's become part of the adventure. Not trying to hang on to what was. But all right, cool. What's this season gonna look like? And it's not always pleasant. It's not always like the best feeling thing, but it's true and it's honest and it's whole and it's good. So that's I'd recommend you do. Congratulations on having a new kid. And then the adventure starts now. And weirdly, you're gonna find if y' all are intentional, you thought you loved each other. You'll have no idea what love feels like and looks like now. You thought y' all were ride or die. Wait till you see your wife at 2am holding your baby. Wait till you see your husband down on all fours wrestling with a nine month old. Then you're like, oh, there's another chamber in my heart I have for that person that. That I didn't even know existed. Amazing. Hey, I love you guys. It's already Kelly. When does this show come out? This one comes out on the 4th of February. 4th of February. All right, so we're already a month into the new year. Everyone's already blown all of your New Year's resolutions. Go back to the things y' all agreed on. Go back to the things you wrote down. It's not too late to start over again in February, and you're gonna start over again in March, and then we're gonna get this thing going. Life changes with a bunch of tiny decisions made every day over and over. Love you guys.