I Will Soon Be an Empty Nester (And I’m Dreading It)

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show – "I Will Soon Be an Empty Nester (And I’m Dreading It)"

Release Date: July 7, 2025
Host/Author: Ramsey Network

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Overview

In this heartfelt episode of The Dr. John Delony Show, host John Deloney addresses profound emotional challenges faced by individuals navigating significant life transitions. Focusing primarily on the anxieties surrounding becoming an empty nester, the episode delves into personal identities beyond motherhood, marital dynamics, and the intricate balance between personal fulfillment and familial responsibilities. Through empathetic conversations with callers Danielle and Kaylee, Dr. Deloney offers insightful guidance and practical advice to help listeners manage their emotions and embrace upcoming life changes with resilience.

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Section 1: Navigating the Empty Nest – Danielle’s Story

Timestamp: [00:05 – 14:55]

Danielle, a 51-year-old mother from Denver, Colorado, opens up about her emotional turmoil as her twin children prepare to leave home for college. She expresses feelings of irrational sadness, fearing that the future will lack the fulfillment her motherhood provided.

• Danielle's Concerns:

  • Emotional Attachment: "I cry at the drop of a hat when I pass by a ballpark where we made a lot of memories. And I want to look forward to the future, but when I do, it seems empty and quiet and not as fulfilling as motherhood." ([00:05])
  • Identity Crisis: "I feel as though my best year, the best years of my life have already been spent." ([01:11])

• John Deloney’s Guidance:

  • Embracing Emotions: "I don't want you to squash your emotions and your feelings this next year. I don't want you to numb yourself through this next year and miss a magic season in anticipation." ([02:07])
  • Redefining Roles: Encourages Danielle to view her evolving identity as a phase to develop new aspects of herself beyond motherhood. "You're going to enter into the funnest season... you get to make that transition from brush your teeth... to more of finally, more of an influence, more of a friend, more of a companion relationship." ([04:05])

• Practical Advice:

  • Open Communication: Suggests that Danielle and her husband openly discuss their fears of losing roles and responsibilities. "Write down what you are scared of losing and then talk about that with each other." ([08:06])
  • Honest Expression: Recommends Danielle express her emotions directly to her children, fostering transparency and emotional connection. "Take both of your kids out and just tell them, I'm going to cry all year... you're not a problem to be fixed." ([10:18])

• Affirmations and Closure:

  • Self-validation: Facilitates affirmations between Danielle and John to reinforce her self-worth. "Repeat after me. I'm not crazy... I'm an amazing wife... I'm going to cry my eyes out this year and that's right and good." ([14:35])

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Section 2: Overcoming Resentment in Marriage – Kaylee’s Journey

Timestamp: [18:23 – 31:20]

Kaylee from Dallas, Texas, seeks advice on overcoming bitterness towards her husband stemming from his challenging career transitions post-military service. Her husband struggled with commission-only sales before securing a less fulfilling retail job, coinciding with their growing family and Kaylee's role as a primary caregiver.

• Kaylee's Challenges:

  • Career Struggles: "He was in the Marine Corps... transitioned out and took a commission-only sales job that was really tough both emotionally and financially." ([19:35])
  • Emotional Strain: "I think I'm still holding on to a lot of tension from that year of commission-only sales." ([20:57])

• John Deloney’s Insights:

  • Reframing Resentment: "Your feelings are right. But I wonder if it's not resentment as much as it is grief... about the picture we had didn't play out that way." ([23:28])
  • Acknowledging Heroism: Recognizes her husband’s perseverance and courage, emphasizing his heroism despite setbacks. "I married a guy that could do anything... a guy who never stopped." ([22:25])

• Actionable Solutions:

  • Expressing Appreciation: Encourages Kaylee to write a heartfelt letter acknowledging her husband's efforts and sacrifices. "Write him a letter about what you saw when he came home... I'm so grateful I married you." ([27:07])
  • Future Planning: Advises focusing on building a positive future together rather than dwelling on past regrets. "Let's go settle in and build the life that we want." ([28:41])

• Positive Developments:

  • Career Advancement: Kaylee shares positive news about her husband pursuing a career as a college campus police officer, offering a hopeful outlook. "That's fantastic... he'll get to go for free, right?" ([30:12])

• Final Encouragement:

  • Mutual Support: Dr. Deloney emphasizes the importance of mutual support and celebration of small victories within the marriage. "If you have a husband in your life that is a good man... say the words, I'm proud of you." ([29:22])

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Section 3: Coping with Teenager Caregiving and Resentment

Timestamp: [34:45 – 46:47]

Sarah, a caller dealing with frustration and potential resentment as the main caregiver for her teenage daughter diagnosed with bipolar disorder, seeks advice on managing her emotions while providing support.

• Sarah's Struggles:

  • Intense Caregiving Duties: "It's become your full-time job... dealing with her outbursts and managing multiple doctors." ([40:19])
  • Emotional Burden: "I'm trying to remember as frustrating as, for me, I can't imagine how she feels because she feels like her body is betraying her." ([46:00])

• John Deloney’s Support:

  • Validating Emotions: "Permission to be just sad and mad about all that... You're not a bad mom if you feel mad or frustrated." ([40:35])
  • Reframing Anger: Compares her daughter's emotional outbursts to a child with the flu, emphasizing that her daughter is seeking comfort. "If you think of it as she's coming to the safest person she knows and vomits, it's easy to take the cursing and the yelling and the I hate you and extrapolate them." ([44:21])

• Strategies for Coping:

  • Setting Boundaries: Suggests establishing clear boundaries to manage outbursts effectively. "Sometimes establishing some of those gives people a safety." ([44:21])
  • Engaging in Positive Activities: Recommends involving her daughter in activities like walking to promote emotional regulation. "Ask her to go for walks with you... it makes your walks better when I get to walk with you." ([40:35])

• Affirmation and Hope:

  • Encouraging Words: Reinforces that Sarah’s efforts are not in vain and that seeking professional help is a positive step. "There is hope if you get with a team... You're a good mom." ([46:47])

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Conclusion

Throughout this episode, Dr. John Deloney provides a compassionate and pragmatic approach to dealing with significant life changes and emotional challenges. By validating the emotions of his callers and offering actionable advice, he empowers listeners to embrace their evolving identities, improve their marital relationships, and manage the complexities of caregiving with grace and resilience.

Notable Quotes:

• Danielle at [02:07]: "You're supposed to cry at diaper commercials. They make them that way."
• John Deloney at [04:05]: "You're supposed to enter into what I think is just my opinion... the funnest season."
• Kaylee at [23:28]: "I married a guy that could do anything. And you don't have a psychology for finding out there's a thing he can't do?"
• Sarah at [40:35]: "I'm trying to remember as frustrating as, for me, I can't imagine how she feels because she feels like her body is betraying her."

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Key Takeaways:

1. Embrace Emotional Transitions: Acknowledge and accept your feelings during significant life changes instead of suppressing them.
2. Open Communication: Foster honest discussions with loved ones about fears and expectations to navigate new life phases together.
3. Reframe Resentment as Grief: Understand that feelings of resentment may stem from grief over unmet expectations and address them with empathy.
4. Express Appreciation: Regularly affirm and appreciate the efforts of your partners or family members to strengthen relationships.
5. Set Boundaries in Caregiving: Establish clear boundaries when caring for loved ones with mental health challenges to maintain personal well-being.

By addressing these themes, Dr. Deloney offers invaluable support to listeners facing similar life challenges, encouraging them to find strength and purpose in their evolving roles.

Transcript

[Danielle]

I'm having an irrational response to becoming an empty nester, and I cry at the drop of a hat when I pass by a ballpark where we made a lot of memories. And I want to look forward to the future, but when I do, it seems empty and quiet and not as fulfilling as motherhood.

[John Deloney]

Man, that's a lot of pressure you put on yourself, huh? What up? What up? This is John with a Dr. John Deloitte, Tony's show. Taking your calls on your marriage, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. Over the last year or so, the calls on the show have gotten increasingly wild, and so is our world. Everything's getting wild. I don't even know it's real anymore. But I do know this. I know that it's real when I sit down and talk to a real person going through real challenges in their life. If you want to be on this show, I'd love to talk to you. Also, go to John Deloney. D E L o n y johndelony.com Ask A S K and we'll get you on. Let's go to Denver, Colorado. I just flew in from Denver, Colorado last night. Let's talk to Danielle. Hey, Danielle, what's up?

[Kaylee]

Hi, John.

[Danielle]

I'm having an irrational response to becoming an empty nester, and I want to change it. I've been a mother for 20 years, and my last two are twins, and they're leaving the nest or our house in a year from now, so they're going to be seniors next year. And I cry at the drop of a hat when I think about my house being empty or I passed by a ballpark where we made a lot of memories. And I want to look forward to the future, but when I do, it seems empty and quiet and not as fulfilling as motherhood. I feel as though my best year, the best years of my life have already been spent.

[John Deloney]

Man, that's a lot of pressure you've put on yourself, huh?

[Danielle]

I don't know. I just. I don't know why I'm so emotional about this. And it's not even here yet.

[John Deloney]

Can I tell you why? Because your. Your kids, you have a year left. Let me tell you this. You are exactly where you should be right now. Please, on behalf of your soul, on behalf of your physiology, on your body, on behalf of your marriage, on behalf of your kids, don't try to work around this next year. Just walk right through it. You're supposed to cry at diaper commercials. They make them that way. They make them that way. And you're supposed to look at ball fields and remember your kids being really little, and you're supposed to be super terrified about what comes next. All that's right. It's all good. And I know we have a culture that says, like, what are you doing next? What are you doing next, man? Here's what I don't want you to do. I don't want you to squash your emotions and your feelings this next year. I don't want you to numb yourself through this next year and miss a magic season in anticipation of. Or this pressure you put on yourself, which is this is it after this. It's just downhill after that. Tell me about your marriage.

[Danielle]

Well, my husband's a rock star. He is just. He just runs to it anytime I have any kind of. I often cry on my way home from work, and I try not to be crying when I get home. And he's always like, you know, it's okay. And he has big plans for our future, and I have lots of hobbies and things that I do. And he's wonderful. He's like, we're gonna get all the college merch and we're gonna go visit them and we're gonna do care. He's super positive and.

[John Deloney]

But this isn't about that. This is about identity. Huh?

[Danielle]

Yeah, I. It's. I want to be a good wife to him because he's such. Such a. A great partner.

[John Deloney]

Stop, stop, stop, stop. You're a good wife just because you cry and you're the emotional center of that house. He's the doer, but you're the feeler, and that's. That's an important role you play. You're not less of a spouse or a partner. You know what you're giving him? You're giving him a magic gift, which is something to do with all of his frenetic energy. He's just a male, and we're not allowed to cry. So he's like, you're giving him a list of things to do. What a gift you're giving him. You're crying tears that he doesn't have permission to cry. You're. You're a great wife and mom. I'm more interested in the transition that you're feeling from mother to what you think your new identity is going to be. Does it scare you?

[Danielle]

Yes, because I feel like I'm really good at being a mom. But that's.

[John Deloney]

You're all right. You're right.

[Danielle]

I don't know that I'm real good at other Things. Sorry. At other things. Like, I just feel like that's the one thing I'm really good at.

[John Deloney]

Hmm. What makes you think you're not a good wife?

[Danielle]

Well, I think I am a good wife, but I. I'm. This is so out of character that I'm sad all the time. And so I want to be. I don't want to be this way. Like, I don't want to feel this way. And I thought, well, maybe I'll. I'll call in and you can give me some insight into.

[John Deloney]

No, I'm going to tell you to feel all of this way, you should be sad.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And by the way, having worked with moms and dads in your exact position for two decades plus, you're about to enter into what I think is just my opinion. I'm not there yet. But my opinion that I've seen is that you're about to enter into the funnest season. Maybe not the most purposeful feeling and maybe not the most. I feel necessary, but the best season, the funnest season, which is you get to make that transition from brush your teeth. Did you change your underwear? I need your laundry done. Have you done your math homework? To more of finally, more of a influence, more of a friend, more of a. Like a companion relationship. And here's what I'm. Here's why, like, my heart is so full right now. There is a rash, like a gnarly epidemic of kids leaving home, and they don't want to be there, and their parents don't want. Don't want to be around them. And then they get married, they have kids, and there's just these families that are separate. And if you and your husband are. He's already making plans like, dude, we're going to be at the games. We're going to go down there and be those weird college parents wearing, like, I'm a whatever dad. And I'm a whatever mom. Making that transition is different. And it's painful, but it's so fun if you'll let it be. Do you think you don't have a role to play in your house after motherhood or. Let me take that back. You're always going to be a mom after the daily grind of momming it every day.

[Danielle]

Yeah, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'll still work, and I have. I have, like, girlfriends and hobbies and things like that, but none of it seems as fulfilling as, you know, I'm on the. I'm the Booster club president. I'm on all kinds of. At the school. I'm at the school a lot and, and, and I do stuff with our church and, and I'll still do the things with our church, but just, it's just going to be vastly different. And.

[John Deloney]

So most, most, most people, if you get into the, the change literature, most people don't feel change. They feel, they.

[Kaylee]

They.

[John Deloney]

And it would probably be a helpful thing for you because right now it's all swirling around and it feels like I'm losing my kids. I'm losing my purpose, I'm losing my role on all of these different committees. I'm losing, losing, losing, losing. And it's the loss of everything that compounds on top of itself. Not to mention, let's just be honest, dude, you're going to walk down the hallway and the lights are going to be off in those rooms. And so I guess what I would tell you is the way anxiety works, the way that fear works, is you have to walk right through it. Your husband even is going around it. You're staying sitting at the, at the, at the starting line. You just want to sit there. He's not running the race. He's just like off in the yard somewhere. Like, we're going to do this. We're going to do this, both of y'. All. I would love for y' all to sit down and write down what are you scared of losing and then talk about that with each other. And some of that stuff you'll backfill and then some of that stuff y' all get to co create together. But right now your tears are not something that, like, he needs to fix. They're not something that tells you that you're wrong. You're just supposed to be sad. It's just okay and right. And it may be worth. Tell me about your kids. They're. They're about to be seniors and they're twins.

[Danielle]

Uhhuh.

[John Deloney]

Okay, tell me about them.

[Danielle]

I have, I have an older kid that's already in college. So we live in a pretty small town and they're involved, they're both three sport athletes and they're involved in all kinds of clubs and 4H and all of those things. So we're just. Our life is very, very, very full.

[John Deloney]

So it would be awesome. I wonder if you're just projecting out a year from now, like, what am I going to do? Who am I going to be? What's my value going to be? All those things are real. It's scary. I would love for you and your husband to sit down and Say, here's all the stuff that we think we're going to lose next year, and let's don't go around it. Let's just walk right through it together. And then over the next year, you can begin like little breadcrumbs, dreaming about what comes next. We're going to hold that all loosely because it might change. And then I want you to do something really strong and powerful. Okay?

[Danielle]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Take both of your kids out. I. I might tell you to do this differently if they weren't twins, but there's something unique about twins. I would take them both out and just tell them, I'm going to cry all year, and it's because I miss you guys. I've loved the life that we've all created together. But just know you don't have to fix me. I'm just gonna. I'm gonna miss you. I'm gonna miss all this fun and all this insanity, and my life's gonna be different. But let them know that you're not a problem to be fixed and that every tear they see is just another sign that mom really, really loves them. And mom's going to miss them as their. As your relationship with them transforms.

[Danielle]

Okay, But.

[John Deloney]

But. But if you take them out and say it out loud to another person, you share this with a witness or two witnesses in this case, take your husband, all four of y' all go. Then just. It. It gets it out of the air. And then you have to feel so, so ashamed. If you cry, they get to feel like, oh, mom really loves us. Just tell me if I'm wrong. Some of your tears come from how hard you try to hold them back all the time. And they build and they build, and then you drive by the wrong ballpark, and then it just.

[Danielle]

Oh, my gosh. It's ridiculous.

[John Deloney]

It's not ridiculous.

[Danielle]

Someone brings it up, I start crying.

[John Deloney]

It's awesome.

[Danielle]

And I just. I don't want to be a crybaby all the time. I don't normally cry like this, and I just feel like it's this weird physical response I'm having that's not normal.

[John Deloney]

It's the most normal thing possible. Your last two babies are about to go off into the who knows what. How old are you?

[Danielle]

I'm 51.

[John Deloney]

51. All right. There's no chance that hormones are being crazy right now either, right?

[Danielle]

That's what my husband said. He said, I don't think you're supposed to send your kids off to college and go through menopause at the same time.

[John Deloney]

Well, it's happening. So also, go see a doctor, too.

[Danielle]

Okay?

[John Deloney]

But do not. Don't go see a doctor to try to make you feel less sad.

[Danielle]

Okay?

[John Deloney]

Do. Go see a doctor. If one morning you wake up and your body feels like you got run over by a truck, and then the next morning you wake up and you feel like a million bucks, and the next day after that, you're just sobbing on the in the floor saying, I'm going to be the worst wife ever, that's a sign when. When it just looks like a heart monitor up and down that you want to go talk to somebody. And they finally, finally, after one of the most cruel things in human history with those awful bull crap, hormone replacement equals cancer, stories that they made up and sold women for a century, all that stuff's going away now. And so there's some amazing support you can get from your doctor that won't take away the hurt and won't take away the pain. And I don't want that to go away for you, and it will make you feel less insane.

[Danielle]

Okay. Thank you.

[John Deloney]

But listen, I would love to see your family make a plan for this year. And the plan is going to include fun, and the plan might include, I'm taking each one of you to breakfast, one on a Tuesday, one on a Thursday. And you're just gonna have to deal because I'm gonna cry a lot, and husband is gonna go around and try to fix everything and buy everything and get in Yalls business. This is just two parents showing you through our chaotic actions how much we love you and how much we're gonna miss you.

[Danielle]

Okay?

[John Deloney]

And when you see a little league, I. My son's 15. He's got three years. I just picked him up before this show. I picked him up after his last final of his freshman year. And the only thing I could do was keep shoving him in the arm, yelling in the car. You're a sophomore now. You're a sophomore now. And that's how I kept myself from crying.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And I'm not going to apologize for it, because I love that kid, and I love being around him. And he's become a. He's turning into an amazing young man. I. I'm gonna miss him. I'm gonna miss the change in my life.

[Kaylee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And if I let myself getting to just do whatever I want and I have to pick up anybody from school, that's gonna be kind of awesome, right? It's both and yeah.

[Danielle]

Yep.

[John Deloney]

Repeat after me. I'm not crazy.

[Danielle]

I'm not crazy.

[John Deloney]

And I'm a. I'm a pretty amazing wife.

[Danielle]

I'm an amazing wife.

[John Deloney]

And I'm going to cry my eyes out this year and that's right and good.

[Danielle]

I'm going to cry my eyes out this year and that's right and good.

[John Deloney]

There you go. Hey, listen, you call anytime this year. Anytime you want to call, call me. And if you want to have your kids call me and be like, how do I deal with my sobbing mom? Have them call me. And if you and your husband want to call into, call anytime. This is a magic year for you. Feel the whole thing. And if you're 51 and things are going up and down all around, go see your doctor. We're just in a sliver of history when we've got some amazing, amazing support for folks as their bodies change as they get older. Thank you so, so much for the call. We come up next, a woman seeks guidance on overcoming bitterness about her husband's career mistakes. Yo, yo, it's Jelony. Let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer app on the planet. Ferris Bueller, the great philosopher, once said, life moves pretty fast. And it's true. Everybody is juggling work, family, dating, marriage, kids and a million other things. And in the chaos, we often forget to pause and reflect. Creating peace in your life doesn't just happen. You have to choose it. You have to make space for it. And that's where Hallow comes in. Hallow provides you incredible opportunities to slow down and reconnect with what matters most. One of my favorite features on Hallow is the Daily reflections with Jeff Cavins. Because it helps me connect scripture with real life joys and real life challenges, or if you're struggling with anxiety or feeling overwhelmed. Hallow offers mental health meditations and prayers that I love. From healing emotional wounds to establishing healthy habits, these guided prayers give you words of comfort and longing when you're out of anything else to say. If you're ready to find some peace in the chaos of your life and some purpose in your day, check out Hallow right now. When you sign [e-mail] Deloney they'll hook you up with three months for free. Go to Hallow H A l l o w.com Deloney for three months for free. Hey, it's Deloney for organifi I talk to people every day who are just overwhelmed. And I don't just mean emotionally. They're physically and mentally and spiritually worn out, anxious, not sleeping well. People feel foggy and disconnected. And most Everyone I talk to is just trying to push through their day with a combination of coffee and willpower. Can we all just agree what we're doing isn't working? Redlining our bodies every minute of every day is burning us and everyone we love to the ground. That's where Organifi comes in. Organifi makes organic superfood blends and gummies that are designed to support your body, your mind, and even your emotions when everything else feels like it's on fire. Just mix Organifi superfood blends with water and you're good to go. For me, that's green juice in the morning for focus, red juice in the morning and in the afternoon for clean energy without the crash. And I love my happy drops to boost my mood and the shilajit gummies that help me feel like a laser beam. Most people don't have to overhaul their life to start feeling better. They just have to listen to their body and make some small daily choices. And you can start with my friends at Organifi. Go to Organifi.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 20% off. That's 20% off site wide with code [e-mail] DeLoney Dallas, Texas. Let's talk to Kaylee. What's up, Kaylee?

[Kaylee]

Hi, Dr. John.

[John Deloney]

How are you?

[Kaylee]

You know, just trying to let go of some bitterness.

[John Deloney]

It's the most Dallas thing I've ever heard. All right, so what's going on?

[Kaylee]

Well, so my question for you is how do I let go of some bitterness or resentment towards my husband about like, poor career decisions he made a few years ago?

[John Deloney]

Tell me about it.

[Kaylee]

Well, okay, so first of all, he did not do anything illegal or immoral or behind my back. I just want to put that out. But so some background. My husband and I have been married for about seven years and for the first four and a half, five years of our marriage, he was in the Marine Corps. And so I don't know how many veterans you've sat with, but the transition out of the military is like a big piece of this story. So coming out of the military, he found like a short term job working in sports, social media. It was a lot of fun, it was something he really enjoyed, but it didn't translate into anything long term. So then against my better judgment and maybe his own, he took a job in commission, only sales. And that was a really, really tough year. Really tough.

[John Deloney]

Emotionally or financially or both?

[Danielle]

Both.

[Kaylee]

Both. And you know, it was one of those things that I am Still, I think also kicking myself for like, I don't want to say allowing, but kind of allowing that to go on as long as it did. So then after that he, when I basically said to him about a year into commission only sales, like honey, you're not making any money, we can't keep doing this. Then he found his to like a part time job in a, like a major retail chain just to have some money coming in. And then that translated into a full time job at said retail chain. And that's what he's doing now. But it's, it's not, he doesn't love it. It's, you know, it's kind of blah. But it's, it's an okay fit for now because we have good benefits and we have a young family and so on. But I think I'm still holding on to a lot of tension from that year of commission only sales.

[John Deloney]

So is the job the proxy, meaning are you able to look at the job and be upset with him about the job when really he was pretty ugly to you or.

[Kaylee]

No? No.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kaylee]

I think we've had some really ugly conversations about it.

[John Deloney]

Tell me about it, Tell me about those.

[Kaylee]

Well, maybe some anger, maybe some blaming, maybe some denial on your part or his part. I think both. I think the fact that he kept up, he kept getting up and doing this job for a year, you know, I think there was denial on, on.

[Danielle]

Both of our parts.

[John Deloney]

But hold on, hold on, hold on. How old are you?

[Kaylee]

31.

[John Deloney]

Okay, I guess let me back all the way out. It's very, very common, Very common. And you know this because this is Yalls community, especially a Marine, they get out and they get home and they're in their just full civilian life. Number one, they are told this from day one. Number two, many of them have this lived experience that you can do anything now that you have this training, this support network and this skill set. It's also very easy to think if I did X, Y and Z, I was deployed, I was doing all this stuff behind the scenes. I was living this rigorous of a life, dude, I can go sell any, I can do anything.

[Kaylee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And so there's something to be said for a really powerful, important lesson of finding out, oh, this isn't for me. And so as you're telling me this story, I keep thinking, what a freaking heroic guy to get up day after day to a job that has one marker in it of success and that is dollars.

[Kaylee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And to try and try and try and try and might be that you're wrestling with. I married a guy that could do anything. And you don't have a psychology for finding out there's a thing he can't do? I don't, I don't know what it is, but I'm hearing a guy that's. That I think is pretty damn heroic. And I'm hearing a guy who, thank God he has a wife in his life who spoke truth to him and said, hey, this is killing you. I'm watching it happen. That gave him permission to stop. And now. Yeah, he's at a temporary place. Most guys I meet in this situation quit that job and just put. Pick up a video game controller.

[Kaylee]

Yeah, I.

[John Deloney]

So I guess what I'm saying is this. Your feelings are right. But I wonder if it's not resentment as much as it is grief or it's just a resettling of. I had this big, awesome, strong Marine who then turned into a failed salesman.

[Kaylee]

Yeah, there's. I mean, there's definitely grief. And I think too, I wasn't equipped for like his emotions during the military transition time.

[John Deloney]

It's a nightmare, man. It's a nightmare. It's one of, it's one of, I think our biggest embarrassments as a culture. It's shameful.

[Kaylee]

And I don't know if I mentioned this at the beginning, but we also had like a newborn baby.

[John Deloney]

Sure. That didn't add any complexity.

[Kaylee]

Yeah, we had like a three month old when he got out of the military. So I was also checked out in some ways.

[John Deloney]

Or you were checked completely in, just in a different, in a different direction.

[Kaylee]

Yeah. Yes. That's more accurate.

[John Deloney]

So checked out isn't true? You were just focused on keeping a human alive.

[Danielle]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. And my guess is this. Have you heard me talk about pictures and words I talk about all the time?

[Kaylee]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

My guess is you had a very real picture of what life would be like when he got home. And he had a very real picture in his head about what life was going to be like when he got home. And you had a real picture of what life was going to be like when he took this 100 commission job. Whenever you take. I have one of those. Whenever you take 100 commission job, they promise you the freaking moon. And both of you had a different picture about what? That. I just think there's a lot of grief about. Oh, the picture we had didn't play out that way.

[Kaylee]

You're right. You're right. And so maybe that's what he and I need to talk about.

[John Deloney]

I don't know if it's that as much as what kind of house do you and I want to build moving forward? And if you go into that conversation with, you failed at this, you failed at that, and I need you. I'm gonna tell you right now, he's gonna do what every other guy in the world's gonna do is just have another brick of shame piled on his shoulders. He's gonna put his head down and just go find another thing. If you can reframe it and say, I saw a guy have to come home and learn how to be a dad, learn how to be a civilian, learn how to stand by morons in the grocery store line being like, I can't believe. And he's like, dude, I'll tell you what I can't believe. Right? And he had to deal with a pregnant wife and. Or a postpartum wife, and they had to deal with 100. You know what you have? You have a guy that will not quit on your behalf. Probably to a. To a fault.

[Kaylee]

You're right. He's amazing.

[John Deloney]

And a virtuous wife is worth rubies. I need my wife to regularly say, I know you think this is a good idea. I love you and I know you better than you do sometimes. Please don't do this. For my sake, for our kids sake and for your sake. And I go, okay.

[Kaylee]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And by the way, that took me about 15 years of being married before I had the courage to exhale and start trusting her in that way.

[Kaylee]

Yeah. So about twice as long as we've been married.

[John Deloney]

Right? So just stay on for me. But here's the deal. If you were to do. How old's your little one now?

[Kaylee]

She's three. But I'm also. I'm currently pregnant again.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. Because why not? Okay, so. Yeah. Because why not? Hey. And your body would be crazy if it didn't remember how tough that year was after your baby was born and is already gearing up and shielding up for that year to reproduce itself. You should. You should be tense. Okay.

[Kaylee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

So what if you did this? Can I give you a crazy thing to try? And I'm assuming now he's not a jerk. He's a good guy.

[Kaylee]

No, he's an amazing.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kaylee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Can I tell you what every man in the world would love in this situation?

[Kaylee]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Will you write him a letter about what you saw when he came home that you all. And make it about virtues? I saw a confident man come back and try to take on the world for me and a brand new little girl. That's how you get up to a job that was killing you and you kept going and you kept going and you kept. You weren't successful, but you never stopped. And then you were a man who listened to his wife when I said, this is killing you is killing us. And you took, you humbled yourself to go take a part time job, and now you're working a job that you don't love. It's kind of taking your soul away too. But you're doing it for all of us. And I see that and I'm so grateful I married you.

[Kaylee]

Oh, I think he would love that. You're like, I have tears in my eyes listening to you.

[John Deloney]

I know, but listen, here's the, here's the most important part A. You're letting him know I saw you. And then, I want to honor you husband. I want to love you enough to say I want us to build something awesome going forward. So what does that look like? Does that mean you need to go back to school? And basically what you're going to be doing is giving him permission to settle in finally. He's been running for his life since he got out of the crew he's got. He knows what friendship actually means, brotherhood means. And now he's. He's so cut off socially, he's cut off with. Most of the Marines I know are asking themselves, did I even do the right thing? Am I glad I did that? Am I glad I like all those hard existential questions that they're not allowed to ask civilians?

[Kaylee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

But being able to look at your, at this great man and say, hey, as your wife, I'm giving you permission. You don't need it, but I'm giving it to you. Let's go settle in and build the life that we want. Now. What must be true. And y' all lived a year where you made no money. Y' all survived. It sucked, but you survived, right?

[Kaylee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

So if you need.

[Kaylee]

Yes. We've come out the other side. We're not in a mountain of dad like.

[John Deloney]

So if he needs to go get another job or get retrained or go back to school or whatever, y' all can handle that. You've handled worse. And then let him dream out loud a little bit without the pressure of. And by the way, he's going to feel pressure. He's got a little baby girl and then another one on the way and a wife he loves. You get what I'm saying?

[Kaylee]

Yes. Yeah. I mean, it is. And I, I do not work outside the home. And so it's yeah, yeah. I know he's carrying the weight of our family on his shoulders, but sometimes.

[John Deloney]

Good men who are just basically great mules. Right. Need their. The woman who loves them more than anything in the world needs permission to say, hey, I see it. And I would love. Even if you need to set the squat bar down for a minute, I'd love you set it down for a minute so that you can retool and relearn something or reimagine and then move on. And he might tell you, I'm embarrassed to say, I love retail sales and I kind of want to run this whole store one day. Like, give him permission to say those kind of things out loud. Right.

[Kaylee]

Well, so I think his next move, actually, and we're like, I've gotten good news about it, is to become a police officer on a college campus.

[John Deloney]

That's fantastic.

[Kaylee]

So that's the next thing we're looking at the police academy.

[John Deloney]

And also, let me tell you something rad about that. If he hangs in there for 15 years, your kid goes to school for free.

[Kaylee]

Yes. Yes. So, which would be great.

[John Deloney]

I don't even know if there's college in 15 years, but if there is, he'll get to go for free. He'll get to go for free, right?

[Danielle]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

Or by that time, he may be the chief of the police station and making six figures, and you'll have a pretty great life and you got free tuition built. I mean, you see what I'm saying?

[Kaylee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

It's just. Exhale. And that's awesome that he's going back and doing something that he's gonna love. And. And, man, my old man loved driving around as a. He was a college police officer for years, just hassling college kids. He loved, man. Yeah. And he made way less than he should have. And he was you. You know what I mean? But it was a fun. It's a fun job.

[Kaylee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And if you got military check coming in and you got police check coming in and you got tuition down this. I mean, it ends up being a pretty good gig, but, man, you could speak some life into his exhausted soul if you sat back and just simply wrote him a letter that you read to him out loud and started with, I've seen you and I'm so proud of you.

[Kaylee]

That's really good. Thank you.

[John Deloney]

Is that cool?

[Kaylee]

I feel like I'm. Yes. I feel like I'm like one of the few people that he like, lets close enough, you know, for those sorts of things.

[Danielle]

So.

[Kaylee]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

You will give him so much wind. In his sails. You don't even know what to do. You'll have to. You'll have to then say, by the way, you gotta take the trash out and reground him, otherwise he's gonna float off to space. Man, I don't. I don't know any. I don't know any good man in the world that doesn't long to hear the words from their wife. I'm proud of you. I mean, it's, it's. I don't know, it's. It's the most magic statement. If all of you wives listening to this right now. If, if. And husbands listen. I don't care who you like, whoever's married to who. I don't care who. If you're listening to this. If you have a husband in your life that is a good man who's working hard and maybe isn't successful, maybe is super success wherever they happen to find themselves. If you can find a moment where it's not a big production and you can make eye contact, better yet, put your hands on his face or write something down and read it to him directly and make him take it. Man. You say the words, I'm proud of you. Shoot. Transform humanity, man. Most men go home feeling like a failure factory and they can't do home right. They can't do dad right. They can't do their job right. They are stressed about what's coming down the road with all the changes in the workforce and yada, yada, man, a spouse that will hold them and say, I'm proud of you and I see how you love us. Shoot. That's the. That's, that's gold right there. That's gold right there. Thank you for being awesome, Kaylee. We come back. A woman wonders how to avoid resentment for being her daughter's main caregiver. All right, let's talk about Delete me. Does anyone else feel like your digital footprint is starting to feel like a digital trail leading right back to all of your Internet secrets and your address and your phone numbers and everything? Right now, scammers are using phishing attacks. That's phishing with a ph, where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you. You may get an email or a text message or a phone call, and the person or the AI bot on the other end of the phone or text message or sounds like someone who's trying to help you out, but they're not. With all of the new technological advancements, no one is really safe. So what does any of us to do. You can start controlling what you can learn about how to be careful online and offline and sign up with my friends at Delete Me. I use and recommend Deleteme because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data and selling it back and forth behind my back without me knowing. DeleteMe has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me, and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks, the harassment, and the other online threats before they even start and take control of your digital privacy. With Delete me, go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney today for 20% off an annual plan that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's joinedeleteme.com Deloney Morgantown, West Virginia. Let's talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah?

[Kaylee]

Hello. How are you doing?

[John Deloney]

I'm doing great. And you?

[Kaylee]

Keeping busy.

[John Deloney]

There you go. What's up?

[Kaylee]

All right. I'm calling because I want to know how do I deal with feelings of frustration and prevent resentment as I care for our teenage daughter with mental illness?

[John Deloney]

Tell me about your daughter.

[Kaylee]

She is in high school. Okay. And she's very talented and she loves theater. And. But when she was 13, we started to notice that she was having some issues, and it seemed to me to be more than just angst. And it took us a long time, but we finally, the peak point for us was when I noticed that she was losing her hair. And it was dramatic enough that we could see the hair loss. And so after a lot of phone calls with the pediatrician and with a behavioral psychologist, we finally diagnosed her with anxiety and adhd. And so we began her treatment, and things were going well. She was still having trouble with impulse control and always moving, always going dancing all the time. It was. She was always a movement. And then suddenly, just a year later, it was the opposite. She didn't want to do anything. She didn't want to do anything she was interested in. She would call home from school wanting me to pick her up because she didn't want to be there. And it was getting to the point where now we were starting to feel like it wasn't a small, just isolated incident. It was an ongoing issue. And I called the pediatrician and the psychiatrist and the psychologist again. And this is her third medication. But they went ahead and changed her medication again. And as I spoke to the psychologist, he goes, she's really too young. At her age, at this point in time, she's 16. To diagnose with bipolar disorder. However, she is showing all the characteristics of the disease.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kaylee]

And so we spent a lot of time bouncing between mania and. And depression. In addition, it's just a lot of doctor's appointments and things like that to keep up with.

[John Deloney]

So can I add, like, these are always very delicate conversations with parents. And fortunately and unfortunately, I've had this exact conversation probably a thousand times in my career. Okay. But normally I've got you in front of me and maybe your. Your spouse in front of me, and I've got. We've got a relationship before now. And so I've got to bypass all of that and ask some pretty direct questions. But I'm only going to ask him if you promise me you'll hear them for what they are and you won't feel them as accusations. Is that cool?

[Kaylee]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Tell me about the ecosystem of your house.

[Kaylee]

She. We have two children. She's the youngest of the two. We have my. Our marriage is solid, over 20 years. She is.

[Danielle]

We.

[Kaylee]

We have a strong value system within the home.

[John Deloney]

Does she feel a part of that or accused by that?

[Kaylee]

She is a part of that. She's a part of that value system. There are probably at times, especially as a teenager, that she might feel like she doesn't. She doesn't like our values in the sense that she doesn't necessarily like the rules that we have.

[John Deloney]

Of course, she's a teenager.

[Kaylee]

I mean, in that sense. But as far as, like, you know, this is how we. This is how we have decided to have this home and raise this family. She feels a part of that.

[John Deloney]

Okay. So tell me about your resentment.

[Kaylee]

Well, when we first had decided to have children, I was a corporate executive and I quit my job to be a mom.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kaylee]

Because it was in. My husband and I agreed together because it was what was both fiscally and environmentally the best for our children.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kaylee]

And so. And, and I don't regret it at all that I quit, that I quit my job, but if the plan was that eventually I was supposed to go back to work, maybe not in that type of capacity, but go back to work, find something new or a new path for myself once the kids were mature enough and old enough that I didn't have the need to be at home all the time. And now we're seeing a psychologist weekly. We're seeing her pediatrician, her psychiatrist. She has three doctors that deal with physical manifestations. Of the possible physical manifestations of her mental illness, such as her hair loss and things of that nature. And that doesn't even include the regular things like dentist and orthodontist and stuff like that.

[John Deloney]

It's become your full time job. Right?

[Kaylee]

It's. It's a full time job. And especially with her being virtual, I mean, it's even more of a. Now I have a teacher role on top of that. And so, so can I give you.

[John Deloney]

Permission to be just sad and mad about all that?

[Kaylee]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And I know you feel like you have to toggle between if I feel mad and sad, then I feel really guilty because she's my daughter. And also if you don't choose to feel guilty and you don't choose to feel sad and you don't choose to feel mad, not at her, she's doing her best. But the whole just stupid situation, then, yeah, then you begin resenting your daughter.

[Kaylee]

And it's coupled with her outburst. And the psychologist says, he goes, mothers take the brunt of that. They do when there's an outburst. He said, you know, a lot of her anger when she's an angry as a manic is really difficult to handle sometimes when she's angry and she's manic. And he go, and he said, he said, he tells me this to make me feel like I'm not, that this isn't uncommon. And I understand that, but it doesn't, it still stings. Like, here's the person you're caring for that you've put your life on hold for. Like, you know, so think of it this way. A different part of my life on hold for.

[John Deloney]

Absolutely. And, but think of it this way. It's easy when you have a child that's truly manic and that truly has those rage outbursts that are, if you've never seen one, they're. They're astonishing. Right? It's like your kid. It's like the, it's like the Exorcist. It's like, Linda, you're like, who. What's happening right now? It's easy. I want you to begin to think of that as a kid with the flu who's throwing up. Because it's easy to. Like when my daughter, she's 9, or my son's 15. Oh, he's a little bit older now, but if she was to run into my room in the middle of the night and say, daddy, I'm sick, and then barf all over me, that'd be disgusting. I'd be frustrated. I'd be annoyed. But she, in her moment of pain, came to the safest place that she knows. And so if a kid truly is having emotional regulation challenges, no kid that's stable wants to say awful things to the closest person to him. But if you think about it as she's coming to the safest person that she knows and vomits, it's easy to take the cursing and the yelling and the I hate you and extrapolate them to, like your husband, who's totally regulated, right, and to feel that level of pain. And I'm intellectualizing, and it's not going to make it feel better in the moment. But if you think of it as my kids come into the safest person that she knows, at least in your guts, you can go. It's amazing that she feels I'm that safe. And I would check with her psychologist. I have found some great success, at least in my career, not in the home life, because my kids don't, don't struggle with this. But in a professional setting, there is some power to setting boundaries on that. You can be manic and you can be angry. You cannot say these words in this house. And I've seen some pretty remarkable success with that. That I can't generalize that. And I don't know your specific situation, so obviously talk to your doctors about it. But there is something powerful about saying, I know you get spun up. And part of being 16 and managing bipolar one, if that's what it ends up being, part of that is learning when you feel this thing coming on. What are our, what are our alternative behaviors as this thing starts?

[Kaylee]

And that's part of the reason we virtual, we. We let her be virtual so that she could kind of figure those things out.

[John Deloney]

She can pract environment. There you go. She can practice. And so there is some intellectualizing. She's throwing up. She's coming to the safest person she knows. And possibly if she's able to, hey, you're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to be upset. Here's your journal. I want you to write all this stuff down. If you want to go to coffee, I will stop what I'm doing and take you out somewhere. You can't. You can't scream expletives in my face. That's you choosing for this consequence or this consequence. Often it begins to get unbounded and people want to care and love and say, you've got a disease and you got this illness. And, and, and, and it just begins to feel less and less and less that there's Any sort of boundary at all. And so sometimes establishing some of those gives people. It, it, it sounds counterintuitive, but it gives you a, a safety, right? Like to my daughter, run in our room, but go barf in there. And you got to barf in the bathroom. Can't barf on me. You get what I'm saying? And I'll be right in there in the bathroom behind you when I hear you running. You get what I'm saying? And all I can say is I hate this for you. And you're, you're not a bad mom if you feel mad or frustrated. And you're not a bad mom if you are super annoyed and wish you were back at your corporate job. You're not a bad mom. This is just a heartbreaking, sucky, day by day situation.

[Kaylee]

And I'm trying to remember as frustrating as, for me, I can't imagine how she feels because she feels like her body is betraying her.

[John Deloney]

That's the words being, that's, I've heard that sentence over and over. I'm being betrayed by my own body. And it's, it's unnerving when, you know, intellectually, that's my mom and I love her. You know, intellectually, this situation is not that big of a deal. It's just a 79, it's just a high C. But your body goes to like, just goes to DEFCON 1, right? It's, it's unnerving. But I appreciate, I mean, it's just, I'm glad to know there's moms out there trying to make this thing work. You're not crazy.

[Kaylee]

So, and, and I know this. As long as she takes her medication, we figure out the right ones. I know that there's so much hope for her.

[John Deloney]

There is.

[Kaylee]

It's just, you know, it's just kind of like spinning your wheels and mud. I'm just trying to get out.

[John Deloney]

There is, and the weekly coffee, and I know this sounds so pedantic, but the weekly coffee, asking her to go for walks with you. Here's, here's what I would love for you to do if you begin to shift and give her a role. I, I, your mom needs to go for a walk and I need you to go with me. I need this. Will you do this for me then? Sometimes, not always sometimes it, they can't do it. They can't get out of bed and it piles on the shame. But sometimes giving a kid a job or a role, not an overwhelming one, like, don't let your mom get mad that's too much. No kid can handle that. But hey, I need to go for a walk and it makes my walks better when I get to walk with you. Would you do your, your, your mom a solid and come on a walk with me? And what you're getting is she's getting some movement in, she's getting some fresh air in, she's getting some sunshine in. All these things that we know are good for everybody, but especially kids struggling to get their feet underneath them. Ugh. I just say that. Ugh. My hope is that there's some regulation that happens and I'd love for doctors to do a blood test and see if there's any sort of hormone imbalance, if there's any sort of anything else going on here. But it may just be good old fashioned BP1 in the early stages and that's just hard. But yes, there is hope if you get with a team. I like that you have a team approach here and you'll get the meds dialed in. And by the way, over time those meds will shift. And that's just part of the learning process here. But yeah, saying words like, I believe you, let's go for coffee. I like spending time with you often gives kids just that little hint of. And man, sometimes that's all they need to take the edge off the high highs or the low lows. But it's a big old mess. But just for whatever it's worth, and I can't solve that. You're with a team of professionals, so good for you. But just know you're not crazy. You're a good mom. If you don't feel guilty and you don't say out loud or don't exhale and say, I wish I was back in my corporate job. I wish I wasn't dealing with this, then, yes, it will turn to resentment and your kid will absorb the fact that they know they're a burden. Burden. If you'll allow yourself to feel these heavy things, especially with a person or two people or a group or a therapist, then you're gonna be able to show up and exhale and your kid's gonna know, my mom wants me around. And for most kids, that's. That's the foundation of any sort of emotional well being. Thank you so much for the call, my friend. Be right back. I've spent my whole life playing sports in weight rooms and in locker rooms. And a few years ago, I realized how much I took for granted how scary and just insecure it can be walking into a gym for the first time or into a weight room for the first time or even into some weight room classes for the first time. Now that I'm getting older, whenever I'm on the road and I find myself in a traditional gym, even I find myself sizing up some muscle headed beefcake. Listen, here's the truth. We all need to lift weights. Men, women, young and old, everyone needs to lift heavy things and exercise. And knowing what to do, when to do it, and even how to do it can be super intimidating. So whether you've been lifting and working out for decades or you're ready to get started for just the first time, I want you to check out my friends at Trainwell. I've used their workouts. My wife and her friends use them. Kelly, the show producer uses them. My buddies, wives, my older sister. Listen, everyone I know is starting to use Train well. It's a movement. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step by step guidance from real people. Meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. To start, you take a short quiz and you get matched with a real life coach, someone who actually listens. And together, y' all can build a plan that works for your body, for your season of life and for your goals. They have videos that give you step by step guidance and your trainer will check in with you after your workouts. Now is the time to take control of your body once and for all. Check out my friends at Trainwell. And right now, Trainwell has a special offer for my audience. 89 bucks a month when you lock in your plan. Plus you get 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net DeLoney right now, that's trainwell.net DeLoney all right, something awesome happened. I don't know what it is. Kelly 2.0. What is it, by the way? Kelly the OG Kelly the Old, old, old Kelly who's the show producer. Man, she's had a lot going on. She's got a kid that's graduated, so she's been out and she's helping produce other shows right now too. So Kelly 2.0 stepping in to help produce the show while she's out doing whatever is I think getting new Jerry Tall, getting her her dentures replaced and whatever else she's doing. But thank you for stepping in. Kelly 2.0. Your faces that you make to me during the show are much nicer than Kelly 1.0s. And I know that Kelly 1.0 also hears this show before it goes out. So that's what you get for skipping. So, all right, something cool happened. What is it? Kelly 2.0.

[D]

All right, so Brittany from Colorado Springs, Colorado, says, I have listened to every episode of yours for the last two years, and it's helped me tremendously. One of those being that it has normalized asking for professional help. I've struggled with an addiction for the past 20 years of my life. One of your recent episodes, you told someone that, if today is t. If today is day one, I'm proud of you. If tomorrow is day one, I'm proud of you. And that really struck me to the core. Today is day seven, which has been the longest streak of breaking this thing, and I'm not sure I could have done it without those subtle yet impactful words. Thank you so much, and keep up the good work.

[John Deloney]

Amazing. Day seven. Congratulations, by the way. If anyone here is struggling with who has. Is working through addictions and falls off, like, just wakes up in that moment when you feel like you just lost everything and you're. And you're just bathing in shame. Dax Shepard had an episode a few years ago on his Armchair Expert podcast. I think it's called Day 7, and it may be one of the top 10 most important podcast episodes I've ever listened to in my life. And so it's definitely worth. If you know somebody who's struggling with addiction and up and down, or you're in day five or you're in day 17 or day 21, or you had five years of sobriety and you. And man, you trip and fell, and now you're picking yourself back up. That day seven episode is such a powerful, powerful episode. It's worth listening. I think it's back in 2021 or 2022, but it's worth going to figure out and find it. It's a good. It's a good lesson. But what was her name again? Brittany.

[D]

Brittany from Colorado Springs.

[John Deloney]

Brittany, all of us and this show gang are rooting you on and cheering for you. Hopefully by now it's day 37. If it's not. If you're back to day one, we still love you. We'll still walk with you, and all we're gonna ask you to do is get up and dust yourself off and let tomorrow be day one again. We love you guys. Stay cool. Bye.