I’m Afraid That My Husband Will Eventually Resent Me

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: I’m Afraid That My Husband Will Eventually Resent Me
Date: January 12, 2026
Host: John Delony (Ramsey Network)

Episode Overview

This episode, as always, is caller-driven and focuses on real talk around relationships and mental health. Dr. John Delony takes calls from listeners navigating complex family situations—dealing with chronic illness, marital fears, parenting through body image struggles, and family boundaries after value clashes. The episode is empathetic, insightful, and offers concrete next steps for listeners who may be facing similar challenges.

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Key Calls & Discussion Points

1. Mary’s Fears: Chronic Illness, Marriage, and Resentment

[00:05–18:35]

Caller Background

• Mary has been diagnosed with Ehler Danlos Syndrome, POTS, and endometriosis—resulting in chronic pain and rapid loss of mobility.
• She used to be active (e.g., ballroom dancing with her husband), but her lifestyle and capacity have drastically changed.
• Her husband has taken over household chores and works more to compensate financially.
• Mary is worried he will eventually resent her because of the increased burden.

Key Discussion Points

• Grief & Identity Loss:
  Mary struggles with grieving the loss of her former, more able-bodied self. Her grief is ongoing, slow, and “like a slow drip loss.”

  • Quote:
    “It's like control, alt, delete on the person that you used to be.” – John Delony [04:13]

• Impact on Marriage:
  Mary feels guilt about the new reality her husband is living, fearing she may be “too much.” Her concern is future resentment, not an imminent departure.

• Attachment & Childhood Influence:
  John links Mary’s fears back to her childhood experiences, noting that adults often use the same “roadmaps” in relationships as they learned in their families of origin.

  • Quote:
    “Adult romantic relationships simply reuse the same roadmap that was established when you were a kid.” – John Delony [09:55]

• Communication and Vulnerability:
  Dr. Delony stresses the importance of transparency and regular, honest check-ins with her husband—placing all feelings (even the tough ones) "on the table."

  • Quote:
    “The scariest thing…is to have any sort of secrets between the two of you…honoring him enough to let him respond to it and giving him permission to be super frustrated—that’s okay, too.” – John Delony [12:39]

• Letting Go of Control:
  Mary cannot prevent her husband from feeling resentment if that's what he chooses in the future. The healthiest option is to "keep both feet in her boat," be present, and address emotions through open conversation.

  • Quote:
    “You can do nothing to prevent him from deciding he’s going to resent you, which stinks.” – John Delony [13:02]

• Offering Love in New Contexts:
  She should explore new ways to show love and connection, emphasizing adaptation and honest emotional support, rather than clinging to her old roles and activities.

Memorable Moments

• John validates the honor many spouses feel in caring for their partners through hardship, flipping Mary's worry on its head:
  • “As a husband who's had to take care of a wife who's had medical complications, it’s my single greatest honor in my life. More so than having kids, to be honest.” [15:24]

Best Practices Suggested

• Regular (weekly/monthly) “state of the marriage” meetings
• Letting her husband have experiences (like hiking) she can’t share, with both celebration and honest acknowledgment of her feelings
• Not hiding or suppressing feelings of sadness or frustration

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2. Jill’s Struggle: Supporting a Teen Daughter With Body Image Concerns

[21:51–37:45]

Caller Background

• Jill’s 14-year-old daughter has rapidly gained weight since puberty.
• Jill is anxious about "helping" the right way: not triggering shame or eating disorders, nor being absent or enabling.
• She’s seeking guidance on how to support her daughter without harming their relationship.

Key Discussion Points

• Parental Influence and Trust:
  John points out that teens notice flattery or dishonesty—don’t minimize their feelings or lie to them about physical changes.

  • Quote:
    “If you lie to them, they know it, and they lose your trust.” – John Delony [25:42]

• "Help" on Their Terms:
  When kids request help, parents should ask what that support looks like, rather than jumping in with solutions. Sometimes, emotional support is more important than action steps.

  • Quote:
    “Teach me about the help that you would like. And you allow them to begin to unpack…or actually, the help I need is just more hugs.” – John Delony [27:55]

• Family Modeling & Language:
  The self-critical talk adults exhibit about their bodies gets internalized by teens.

  • Quote:
    “Kids metabolize those type of sentiments and their feelings are bigger roller coasters and their emotions at that age are so amplified.” – John Delony [29:30]
  • Jill reflects that her husband’s discipline and comments may indirectly send messages of failure.

• Repairing Missteps:
  If Jill feels she’s mishandled a situation, it’s never too late to “control, alt, delete” the conversation; be honest, acknowledge mistakes, and reaffirm unconditional love.

  • Quote:
    “I'm trying to love you in real time. And I've messed up a few things, so can I have a control alt, delete on this?” – John Delony [32:45]

Best Practices Suggested

• Avoid lying or downplaying real issues.
• Initiate regular, low-pressure connection times (like weekly coffee or breakfast).
• Keep personal body-image struggles between adults, not in front of kids.
• Default to love and connection, not to “fixing.”
• If needed, openly apologize and reframe previous conversations.

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3. Elaine’s Dilemma: Family Values Collision & Setting Boundaries With Mom

[40:43–58:43]

Caller Background

• Elaine promised her mother, who is now in need due to age and financial issues, that she could move in.
• A recent incident triggered a value clash: Elaine learned her mom took her niece for a second abortion without seeking additional family or support.
• Elaine feels deeply conflicted, both by her own values (family, caregiving, pro-life beliefs) and by the reality of her mother’s choices.

Key Discussion Points

• Layers of Conflict:
  The core problem isn’t just the recent event, but decades-long differences in values and behavior—her mother’s habit of “going it alone,” Elaine’s resentment and exhaustion from always making peace.

• Owning Boundaries:
  John notes that Elaine’s struggle is common when caring for relatives who repeatedly violate deeply held values. He asks her to clarify whether her hesitation is about punishing her mom for past actions or a real need to protect her home.

• Moving Past Either/Or Thinking:
  Instead of feeling trapped between only two options (let Mom move in or leave her homeless), John encourages brainstorming alternative support arrangements (apartment, financial help, clear conditions for cohabitation).

  • Quote:
    “Anytime I back myself into a corner like that of an either or, I force myself through an exercise of putting at least three to five other variables on the table.” – John Delony [53:45]

• Facing Grief and Letting Go of "The Fantasy":
  Elaine must grieve the family fantasy she had, paint a more accurate picture, and choose the “next right move,” even knowing it won’t feel peaceful or easy.

Memorable Moments

• The “parking in my garage” metaphor for letting someone close when they habitually disregard your worth and values.

  • Quote:
    “You’ve told her for the last 20 years, you always have a garage to park in.” – John Delony [52:55]

• John's empathy for how deeply family patterns and roles (e.g. always being the peacekeeper) leak into adult life, especially as a “changed” person.

Best Practices Suggested

• Be honest about what boundaries are being set and why.
• Seek support (“dump the puzzle pieces out”) rather than making snap, isolated decisions.
• Accept that some choices—when values collide—will necessarily be painful.

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4. Am I the Problem? Segment: Family Awkwardness Over Old Flings

[61:11–63:20]

Quick Recap:

• Caller Scenario: RoseAnne wonders if she’s unreasonable for being uncomfortable that her husband’s brother is now dating a woman her husband had a one night stand with 40 years ago (before they were married).
• Panel’s Take: John and his co-hosts agree—this is harmless ancient history, not a legitimate cause for avoiding family events.
• Quote:
  “Let it ride. Roll your eyes. You won. You got the guy.” – John Delony [62:55]

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• John Delony on chronic illness and grief:
  "It's like control, alt, delete on the person that you used to be." [04:13]

• John Delony normalizing relationship anxiety:
  “Adult romantic relationships simply reuse the same roadmap that was established when you were a kid.” [09:55]

• On communicating in marriage:
  “The scariest thing…is to have any sort of secrets between the two of you…honoring him enough to let him respond to it.” [12:39]

• On the limits of control:
  “You can do nothing to prevent him from deciding he’s going to resent you.” [13:02]

• On parental influence:
  “If you lie to them, they know it, and they lose your trust.” [25:42]

• On helping teens with body image:
  “Teach me about the help that you would like…maybe the help I need is just more hugs.” [27:55]

• On repairing connection with children:
  "I'm trying to love you in real time. And I've messed up a few things, so can I have a control alt, delete on this?" [32:45]

• On living out versus imposing values:
  “I am not going to put my concerns, my personal issues with myself, with my body, with my mind, with my discipline, with my actions. I'm not going to dump it on my child.” [31:15]

• On faithfulness in marriage despite hardship:
  “It's my single greatest honor in my life. More so than having kids, to be honest.” [15:24]

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Conclusion

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show highlights the messy, deeply human nature of mental health and relationships. Through each call, John approaches topics with authenticity, humor, and an insistence on honesty and vulnerability. He invites listeners and callers alike to own their feelings, grieve with intention, communicate fearlessly, and consider a broad range of options—always anchored in love and respect.

Listeners leave with practical tools for checking in with a partner, connecting with teenagers, and navigating the tangled webs of family loyalty and personal boundaries. For anyone seeking real talk on real-life issues—this episode delivers.

Transcript

[Mary]

With all of my health stuff, I've had to take a more black approach to kind of just everything in my life, my job, my finances, my marriage. I'm just wondering how do I prevent him from resenting me?

[John Deloney]

There's a lot in that question right there. What's going on? This is John, I'm so glad that you're with us talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life, your kids, your marriages, all of it. People all over the world show up to the show, pull up a seat and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on this show, go to john deloney.com ask and for the jillions of you who DM me, I don't answer questions on social media. It comes to individual family life situations. But I will take your call on the show and walk alongside you as we figure out what we're going to do, what you're going to do next. Let's go out to Lee Summit, Missouri and talk to Mary. What's up, Mary?

[Mary]

Hi, John.

[John Deloney]

How are you, beautiful? You doing good?

[Mary]

I'm, I'm okay. It's been been a month. I'm struggling a little bit, but I'm fine.

[John Deloney]

No, you're not. And you know what? At least for the 20 minutes we're going to talk, it's okay to not be fine. I'm glad you're here. What's up?

[Mary]

So with all of my health stuff that I've been having going on over the years, I've had to take a more lack approach to kind of just everything in my life, whether that's my job, my finances, my marriage, my household duties that I took on when me and my husband first got together. And one of the things that kind of just eats away at me is I like am trying to balance all of these new changes without my husband resenting me in the future. And I'm just wondering how do I prevent him from resenting me, you know, like five years down the road?

[John Deloney]

There's a lot in that question right there.

[Mary]

Yeah, there is.

[John Deloney]

So tell me about your health. What's been going on?

[Mary]

So about three years ago, I had some major health issues come up where there was no end in sight. It was just doctor appointment after doctor appointment after doctor appointment and nobody knew what was going on. Fast forward about a year and a half, we finally figured out what was going on, but they were like, we don't know why you have this. It doesn't make Sense.

[John Deloney]

What's the diagnosis?

[Mary]

There's actually three. So the first diagnosis is Ehler Danlos syndrome.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Mary]

And then the second one is pots, and then the third one is endometriosis.

[John Deloney]

You're in a lot of pain pretty regularly, huh?

[Mary]

Yeah, I kind of. Over the years, I was a very active person. Big into dancing and things like that. I've ended up not being able to do dancing anymore. Me and my husband did ballroom dancing for years, and now I can't do that. I can't really go on hikes. In fact, like, my doctor's ordering me a walker and I've had to use, like, wheelchairs and stuff, so I've completely lost a lot of my mobility.

[John Deloney]

What is, what is the prognosis look like? Is this degenerative or is there a treatment plan that you can be a part of it?

[Mary]

It's genetic, so it's progressive.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Mary]

So basically my connective tissues in my joints are just super lax. The collagen's not formed correctly in the joints and pretty much anywhere in my body, so it causes a bunch of health problems. But the big issue is my joints are just not stabilized, so I have a lot of falls. And with age, dislocation, it just gets worse.

[John Deloney]

Sure. Yeah. I hate this for you.

[Mary]

Yeah, it's been hard.

[John Deloney]

Yeah, it's. It's not been hard. It's been, like, reorienting. Right. It's. It's like control, alt, delete on the person that you used to be.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Elaine]

Sorry.

[John Deloney]

No, you're okay.

[Elaine]

It's.

[Mary]

It's one of those things that I, you know, I listen to your show pretty frequently and you always talk about, like, how you have to kind of, like, grieve the loss of things. Like whenever you have a baby, you have to grieve your old marriage. You have to grieve everything. I find that I struggle. I'm struggling with grieving the loss of my old life because I won't be able to get what I had back. I can do physical therapy and try experimental surgeries and stuff, but that's not going to fix the problem.

[John Deloney]

Yeah, Yeah. It's tough when grief is like a slow moving train. Right. There's not a period at the end of the. Of the loss. It's like a con. Like a slow drip loss. Right. And I guess it's. It's almost. I don't know, because I've never been in your shoes from the outside. If somebody had done this to you, at least you have somewhere external to point at. And it's got to be even further disorienting dealing with the reality of the loss of the things you used to be able to do and in many ways the person, quote unquote, that you were. When the enemy is your own body. Right. My goodness.

[Mary]

Very disorienting, to say the least.

[John Deloney]

It's like you're daily but being betrayed by the one thing you're supposed to count on, which is your body. Right. Do you have kids?

[Mary]

We want to have kids, but with everything going on, we've had to put kids on the back burner for the last three or four years.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. Are you even able to have kids at this point with. With POTS and endometriosis?

[Mary]

We are actually going to be having some experiment, not experimental, but like exploratory surgeries to see in December just how.

[John Deloney]

That's just how tough stuff is.

[Mary]

I'm sorry, what?

[John Deloney]

Just to see how, what the damage is internally, right?

[Mary]

Yeah, pretty much. The endometriosis, we don't really know how like how bad it is. My mri, yeah, they know like the MRI is showing that I most likely have endometriosis in quite a bit of different locations. But until they do that exploratory surgery, they don't really know for certain. But it's like, yeah, you, you have all the symptoms, you have the whole little criteria list and your MRI showing it.

[John Deloney]

So tell me about this guy you married.

[Mary]

He is, he's fantastic. I'm honestly, I'm so lucky because he's always puts me in front of everything that he does. And he's very goal oriented, which is nice because during this time, like, it was really hard to kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel. And he's not really like. I wouldn't say that he's optimistic, but he's like very like, okay, well, you know, we don't know yet if this is going to be causing infertility. We don't know yet if you're going to end up having to have this replaced or that replaced or if you're going to have to have this joint surgery. So he kind of keeps me sane when my head just goes towards like catastrophe. Which is very lovely.

[John Deloney]

Yeah, almost. Sometimes even better than optimistic. Is realistic.

[Mary]

Yes, yes, he's very realistic. That's a good word.

[John Deloney]

Or maybe even different than realistic. He's very present. Like, this is what we know today. And we might have things to be sad about tomorrow, but let's be here today.

[Mary]

Yes, yes, That's a very good way to describe him. But he also is, you know, he's kind of like me, where sometimes when things get to be too much, he can spiral. And so then we're kind of spiraling together.

[John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Mary]

And he, unfortunately, because of my health, he's had to take over, like, a lot of, like, cleaning the house, that used to be something that I did. And then he has to, like, work more hours because, you know, we. We max out our health insurance. He'd never done that before. So he has to make up, like, the money that, you know, I'm losing by not being at work because I have to take a lot of work off with my health and everything like it. I think everything just piles up. And I don't want him to resent marrying me, if that makes sense. Like, I know that's silly.

[John Deloney]

Not. Not at all. It doesn't. Doesn't sound. Doesn't sound silly at all. In honor of your husband, let me ask you this question. Like, what evidence do you have that he's heading towards resentment?

[Mary]

I don't have any for him, but I grew up in a very tumultuous household and like, if, like all the, all the men that I had in my life when I was growing up, like my dad, especially if something went wrong, he would just leave. And so, like, it's not that I think that he's going to leave. I feel like the little child brain in Madison from when she was a kid, that's what she's seeing. Like, oh, all of these warning signs are popping up and I don't know how to handle it. And I feel guilty because I feel like I'm going to be pushing him away from me when I need him with me.

[John Deloney]

So I would even transfer. Like, it's not even little girl. It was a revelation to me that adult romantic relationships simply reuse the, The. I'm trying to say this in a not dorky way. It uses the same roadmap that was established when you were a kid. And so if you have a, like with your. With your parents, your mom and your dad, however that relationship was formed, the. The highways that were developed in your head, that was that relationship. Your brain doesn't make new ones with your husband. It just reuses those roads. And so if you have exits built into that highway system because dad would just bail on you, then it's not just an inner child. It's a. It's a grown up with real fears baked into your nervous system. Right. And I'm telling you that just so you know you're not crazy and that doesn't make him bad and it doesn't make him like your dad. But it just.

[Mary]

I know he's not my dad.

[John Deloney]

Well, I know, but, but, But I don't want you because. Because here's where it happens. You start to feel a certain way in your body. Oh, this guy's gonna do it too. And then you feel guilty that you had that thought about this guy. And so you pull away a little bit or you over compensate a little bit. Right? And then weirdly, you create an environment that makes it hard for him to get to you. And then it, it, it's how, it's how patterns recreate themselves. And then he begins to feel. Not that I don't have the honor of a lifetime to take care of a hurting wife, but that I can't get to her. She keeps, she keeps bailing on me. Or when I get close, she's electric. She comes at me. You get what I'm saying?

[Elaine]

I do.

[John Deloney]

And so some of this is dropping your shoulders and saying, the way I feel is exactly right, because my body's run this script before. I feel that. And then I'm going to consciously go through on a minute by minute, sometimes hour by hour, sometimes day by day. Is this true now? And for you it's not. And so I think the scariest part, the scariest thing for me you can do in this relationship at this moment is to have any sort of secrets between the two of you is when you're feeling that you don't have an opportunity, that the closeness y' all are going to have is you putting stuff on the table and honoring him enough to let him respond to it and giving him permission to be super frustrated, that's okay, too. That's right. Also, you get what I'm saying?

[Mary]

Yeah, I get what you're saying.

[John Deloney]

And I know you don't want him to be frustrated and you don't want him to be sad that his crazy, fun, super sexy, dancing, hiking wife is here. He gets to be frustrated there. I, I would think something's wrong with him if he wasn't like. And does he get up and feel that and then go do the next right thing, which is to lean back in towards loving you recklessly. And that in and of itself is amazing. It's. When either of you get hung up on the. I shouldn't have felt this way. No, you should. And are we going to go do the next right thing? And so the, the scary thing for you is, and I'll put this in the ether and here's my hope for saying this out loud. Is it frees you, okay? It could immobilize you. No pun intended. My best. My best oldest friend on the planet is in a wheelchair. So I'm just trying to have some fun here. Is, Is. Is this right? You can do nothing to prevent him from deciding he's going to resent you, which stinks.

[Mary]

And so that's heavy.

[John Deloney]

I know. My hope is that frees you because if you start right now trying to, quote, unquote, prove that you're still worthy of being his wife and worthy of having his love, then that fundamentally alters your. Your marriage way deeper than I don't dance anymore or I don't hike anymore. Get what I'm saying? The challenge for you is to show up and say, I'm still got. I still have both feet in this boat. Until you show me behaviors of language, until you show me that you're not all in, too. I'm all in.

[Elaine]

Okay?

[John Deloney]

And on those days, I get scared, like I'm too much, and I'm afraid you're just going to walk out and leave. I'm not going to hold that inside. We're going to have a weekly meeting just to see, like, how are we doing? We still love each other, right? Do we still. Even. Even deeper than that. Do we still like each other? And then that becomes you. Okay, These things are off the table now. I can't do these things. I physically can't do these things. And you hear me on my show a lot. I'm always telling people like, no, you can. You can go not be angry or not scream and yell. You can do those. You can't. Right. You can't go hiking.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And so that's off the table. Then you look across the table at this guy and say, how can I love you right now? And in this new bounded context we have what does love look like? And let him speak to it. And I can tell you, as a husband who's had to take care of a wife who's had medical complications over the years, it's my single greatest honor in my life. More so than having kids. Be honest. Honest with me. Do you think he's going to leave?

[Mary]

No.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Are you almost more worried that he resent him? Yeah. Do you almost. Are you almost more worried he's going to stay?

[Mary]

No, I want him to stay.

[John Deloney]

I know you want him to stay, but are you almost more worried that he's going to stay and just resign himself to sadness and resentment?

[Mary]

I think he would. If he was sad and resented, he would stay anyway. But that's because I know that he loves me more than anything.

[John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Mary]

But I don't want him to get to that point either.

[John Deloney]

Okay. The challenge for you is you can't stop him from feeling how he's going to feel. The thing you can do is keep both feet in your boat. And set up a daily, if not weekly. Especially weekly. Especially monthly. Do we have a practice where we put everything on the table? This week was a good week. Let's celebrate that together. This week was a good week for me, not a good week for me. Let's celebrate that together.

[Mary]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

He's gonna maybe need to go hiking with his buddies, because that's who he is. He's an outdoors goofball. Right. Just like me. And that means you're gonna have to say, the best way I can love you today is to tell you, go get your friends, and y' all go hiking. And when he walks out that door, you get to be sad and weep. Not at him, but for you, because that stinks, man. And when he comes back in, you can choose to take that frustration and angst. I've been stuck inside all day. And dump it on him. Oh, it must be nice. Or you can say, dude, I'm so happy. You got to get out of here. That's the. That's the part of this you get to manage.

[Mary]

I definitely need to work on that.

[John Deloney]

Right. And I don't want you to ever feel sad. I. I told a guy recently, we were walking through a parking lot after a show late at night, and I looked at him and I said, hey, he's a friend of mine. I said, hey, there are no bad feelings here. He was going through a tough time with his spouse, so there's no bad feelings. You're allowed to have them. You're allowed to feel helpless. You're allowed to feel frustrated. You're allowed to feel angry. You're allowed to be pissed off. All those things are right and good. What matters in those moments is what's your next right? Move. What's your next right? Action. Thank you for the call. I'll be here all the way through. If he wants to call me, tell him to call me. I'd love to talk to him. You both are pretty special. We come back, a woman asks how to talk to her daughter about her weight without hurting their relationship. All right, I've got three dogs, and me and my wife and my kids, we love our dogs. And when they're not okay, Nobody in our house is okay. Everything gets thrown off when a pet gets sick and we can't find the help that we need. And this is why I love Dutch. Dutch is the leading pet telehealth Service. Gives you 24. 7 access to licensed veterinarians anytime, anywhere, on the road, at home, wherever you happen to find yourself. There's no waiting rooms, there's no oh yeah, we can see you in three weeks. Just real help for your pet fast. Dutch can treat over 150 common pet conditions and with about a 10 minute call from your home, you will be on your way to a treatment plan for your pet. Here's the best part. Dutch is super affordable. A Dutch membership covers up to five pets and includes unlimited visits, unlimited follow ups and prescriptions are shipped free. You heard that? Free. With my code. All of this is less than seven bucks a month. Are you kidding me? You'll spend more than that just walking into a vet's office one time. The average pet owner saves over 800 bucks a year by switching to Dutch. That's good for your animals, that's good for your family, that's good for your wallet. Go to Dutch.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 50 bucks off a year of veterinarian care. That's Dutch. D U t c h.com DeLoney use code DeLoney. See the site for more details. I talk a lot about sleep. Why? Because it matters. I've struggled with sleep for years and when I don't sleep, I'm impatient, I'm distracted, my head doesn't work well and I'm not the dad or husband or friend or coworker that I need to be. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about something that has truly helped me get better. Sleep Beams Nighttime Dream Powder. I use it. My friends that are professional athletes use it and I'm telling everyone that I know about it. Why? For one reason it works and there's a second reason. It's delicious. Dream is a blend of science backed ingredients. Magnesium, theanine, epigenin, reishi and melatonin that help you fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer. I love all their flavors and my go to is sea salt caramel mixed with almond milk before bed. It's delicious. Beam has no weird chemicals and here's the best part. I wake up sharp and ready to rock and roll. Not all groggy and hungover feeling. Right now, Beam is offering up to 50% off their best selling Dream Powder with my Code deloney@shop beam.com deloney that's the lowest price they've ever, ever offered and it's only for my audience. Go to Shop Beam b e a m.com deloney and use code Deloney and start sleeping better tonight. All right, let's go out to Tulsa, Oklahoma and talk to Jill. What's up Jill?

[Jill]

Not much. So I will just get started. So I have a beautiful, amazing 14 year old daughter who from the time she was little has, you know, always been average to slim and then she hit puberty and wasn't anymore. I get so the. For the past three years I've just tried to lovingly support her but I can just feel it like every time I try it doesn't go very well. I don't feel like. So I backed off and I just don't want, I feel like. And 10 years from now she's either going to say, you know, how come you didn't help me more or you helped me too much and now I have an immunism disorder and I just don't know how to, how to help her.

[John Deloney]

So, so how old is she? She's 14 now. So she's gained a lot of weight all of a sudden.

[Jill]

Yeah, I would say the last three years. Yeah, she hit puberty and just went from being slim and she just gained weight and quickly like stretch marks and I would like ask like you know, does it bother you? Do you want. No, no. And, and I just can't believe that's true. I feel like she already struggles with like self worth stuff and I got on top like schools a struggle, making friends is struggling like and then this on top of it. And I just, I don't want to push too hard. I don't want to not help. I don't because I know she's beautiful but I just want her to feel like that.

[John Deloney]

What makes you feel like she doesn't think she is other than you pointing out specific things.

[Jill]

I just feel like she's always down on herself. She's just always kind of had that glass half empty and I don't feel like she feels confident and she'll, she'll make comments. I don't like the way I look in this. I don't like. So I know that, that you know and I always tell her she's beautiful but I just don't know how to make her feel it.

[John Deloney]

Well a, you can't make her feel anything that's there. You can root yourself so deep into your own self securedness that she feels loved.

[Jill]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And seen and known. But if. If kids grow up real fast, sometimes, like, they shoot up.

[Jill]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Like, at different paces. And kids get stretch marks. And I grew, what, seven inches in seventh grade. I still have that, like, it's. It's a part of my life.

[Jill]

Right.

[John Deloney]

I can tell you if my mom or my dad had been like, whoa, does that bother you? That would have been when it started bothering me. You get what I'm saying?

[Jill]

Yes. But she would make. And she does make comments. She's like, I hate these stretch marks. And so I try to just, like, you know, like, do you want help with your weight? Because, like, I know, like, and it maybe comes from me. I was like, I listen. Like, my sisters really struggled with the way my parents helped them. I didn't personally struggle a lot. Like, I've always had to watch what I eat and whatever. But.

[John Deloney]

But let me ask that.

[Jill]

I don't want it to ruin my relationship.

[John Deloney]

Do you have a house where everybody's been on a diet for a long time?

[Jill]

No.

[John Deloney]

Okay. So I. Right, wrong or indifferent. When a teenager, especially a young teenager and especially a young girl teenager put something on the table, like, I don't like X about me. I don't. Like, I got too big of a forehead, or I don't like my skin or my hair is too stringy or whatever.

[Jill]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

A. If you lie to them, they know it and they lose your trust. And so if you have a kid with a ginormous forehead and you go, no, you don't. No, you don't. They are the. The meta. There is. I can't trust that person.

[Jill]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And. The second thing. Piece of this that I always hang on to tightly is those are questions of do you still love me? Not. Can you fix this? You get what I'm saying? Okay. So if you have. If your daughter comes in and says, I've got these stretch marks and I hate them, you can say, yes. Yeah. Do you want help with that? Or. Get over here, let me hug you.

[Jill]

Okay.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And if she asks, G, I wish there was something we could do. Maybe the question is, as you. As you get older and your body settles into itself, I'm always here for you.

[Jill]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Or maybe you say, ugh, have you seen my toes? They've driven me crazy since I was a kid. Right. Because they're. My. My third and fourth toe are webbed or what? I'm making something up here. But.

[Jill]

Right.

[John Deloney]

But what. What. What we're doing here is. We are entering into. I'm with you not because you have a thing wrong with you, and I could see that it's wrong. And, man, I've got some money right now. I can fix it for you. And more. The question that's being asked really is, do you still love me? And have you felt this too?

[Jill]

Okay, so, like, when she does, like, so she's come to me and, you know, after a while was like, okay, I do want help. So I kind of like, try to like, hey, let's be more active, like, what can you do after school?

[Elaine]

Or whatever.

[Jill]

And then she just kind of doesn't do those things anymore. And I'm like, okay, should I make her? Should I push it? Or just.

[John Deloney]

I would ask the question to my 13 year old or 14 year old, tell me what help looks like.

[Jill]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Teach me about the help that you would like. And you allow them to begin to unpack. Or actually, the help I need is just more hugs.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Jill]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Or actually, the help I need is will you still tell me I'm beautiful when I don't think I am? And I think for fixers like you, like me, we jump to, all right, here's a nutrition plan and here's a. Here's a whatever.

[Jill]

Right. That's what I want to do, but it doesn't seem like maybe that's what she wants.

[John Deloney]

Well, and, and let me ask you this. You. You've probably heard this saying, more is caught than taught. What does healthy living look like with you and your. And your. Are you married?

[Jill]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

Okay. What does, what does healthy living look like with you and your spouse?

[Jill]

So both of us, like, my husband's an avid. Like, he works out every morning. He's very disciplined in that way. Mine looks a little different. Mine's more physical therapy because I don't walk. Well, I've got my own. But. And we do. And like, we always have healthy options, have good meals, but we enjoy stuff too. Like, I would say it's pretty average.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Is there any part of your husband's crushing and killing it Discipline that rubs off on her as failure?

[Jill]

He is like, he does bring it up a lot. Not to her, but, like, in his own, like, oh, I shouldn't have eaten that, or, oh, I need to do better. And.

[John Deloney]

Well, just, just know that kids metabolize those type of sentiments and their feelings are bigger roller coasters and their emotions at that age are so amplified.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

That, yeah, it gets. It can get internalized in a really profound way. And I'm not even trying to shame your husband. He's probably trying to Help.

[Jill]

Yes. And I really think he is.

[John Deloney]

But I will tell you, as somebody who struggled with disorder eating most of my life, I'm super grateful for when I would say things like I look fat in this shirt that my wife at an early if my kids early age would say stop, A, that's not true and B, if that's how you really feel, keep that to yourself right now.

[Jill]

Okay.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Because I don't want a 13 year old. Their default setting to am I fat in this shirt?

[Jill]

Right. So we can make those comments. So we just need to keep them with ourselves and not in front of.

[Mary]

Her or her brothers.

[John Deloney]

Well, even deeper than that. If there is a belief that those are true, that air is what your home will breathe.

[Jill]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And so if your husband genuinely thinks I should not have eaten that because he got up and worked out, works out every day and he mostly eats a healthy food all the time and then he had a piece of cheesecake and his first response is I shouldn't have eaten that. Then he's got challenges he needs to deal with. Yeah. Because that's factually not true.

[Jill]

Right.

[John Deloney]

I've had ice cream with some of the fittest people on the planet. Right.

[Jill]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

So that in and of itself tells me there's that the air that's being breathed in that house. Now that doesn't change the fact that you're watching a 13 year old girl whose body is changing so fast, so quick.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Both internally and externally. And you know this from your childhood, especially girls bodies change in really remarkable wild ways. She could just as easily grow three more inches and suddenly transform again. Right?

[Jill]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Maybe not, but that all that could happen. I'm way more concerned about A, the actions and behaviors and words of the adults in the house, B, that my kid knows they are anchored in love. Period. And I am not going to put my concerns, my personal issues with myself, with my body, with my mind, with my discipline, with my actions. I'm not going to dump it on my child. I'm going to live it out and you get the difference.

[Jill]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Yep.

[John Deloney]

And so if you look and see, my goodness, if I had those stretch marks, I would be super embarrassed about them. A, that doesn't make you crazy or a bad mom.

[Jill]

Right.

[John Deloney]

Right. That doesn't make you somehow dysfunctional and B, that's not something you pass along to a 13 year old girl.

[Mary]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Right. And so the question I have for you is what does repair look like now if there are things that you go oh God, I wish I hadn't Said it like that. I. I didn't mean it that way. I was trying to be helpful, and I tried to fix something. And really what she was asking is, do you still love like. Right. Yeah. If you could think of a few things, I would take your daughter out to breakfast, take your daughter out for a walk and say, I'm trying. I'm. I'm trying to love you in real time. And I've messed up a few things, and so can I have a control alt, delete on this? What are you talking about, Mom?

[Jill]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And be like, yeah, I need you to understand from the depths of my being. And by the way, if you can put your hands on both side of her face and stare directly into her spirit through her eyes.

[Jill]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And say, you are the beautiful woman. You're turning into a beautiful woman. And I think you're stunning. And when you are uncomfortable, I love you so much, I get uncomfortable. And I need you to know that I love you to the moon and back, and so does your dad. And we both say dumb things sometimes because we have our own insecurities. And if you ever want to know about them, I'm happy to tell you.

[Mary]

Okay?

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And then say, I will help you. I'll walk alongside you. I will love you the any way you need me to show up for you, I will. But I'm gonna default to what I know to be true, which is you are beautiful, and you are 13, and your body's gone haywire.

[Mary]

Right.

[John Deloney]

Has she started her period yet?

[Jill]

Oh, yeah, A couple years ago.

[John Deloney]

Okay. How did. How did that conversation go with you two?

[Jill]

Good. We've always been very open.

[Mary]

Cool.

[Jill]

And I had it in her backpack. She had, like, a little zipper thing. I said, when this comes, you know, if it happens at school, call me, or you have the stuff to take care of it.

[Mary]

Yeah, Perfect.

[John Deloney]

And so that's a great. Like, you can say, like, hey, remember we talked about this and remember we talked about that. Those things. We talked about this thing. And the first time we had to go bra shopping, like, all those things.

[RoseAnne]

Right.

[John Deloney]

Let this be another one of those developmental conversations, which is, you need to know I've got your back. I've got your. I'm. I am the foundation with which you can anchor into. And then maybe she's 13 so that she's old enough to say, my parents messed this up with Aunt Judy and Aunt Susan, and they still are complaining about it to this day. I don't want. I, I. I don't want. That's not Going to come between us.

[Jill]

So just talking about. I guess I've just been scared to like.

[Mary]

So I just made like little comments.

[Jill]

And I've been just scared of it and I just need to just say it.

[John Deloney]

I mean, you just hit it right on the head. Because teenagers, especially little kids especially, and teenagers especially, especially, they enter into am I safe and am I loved and am I still okay? In little, rarely in these big blow ups, it's usually little with the, like the gottmans in, in terms of marriage, they'll call them little tiny bids for am I still okay here? Am I still okay here? And so I hate these stretch marks, mom. I hate that you are frustrated with parts of your body. I've been there too. It's the worst.

[Jill]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Come give me a hug. And then the next question. If it is more than likely she'll just drop her head in the middle of your chest and you can hold her.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

But if she says g, I wish there was something we could do, you can say, well, right now I'm gna hug you because I think you're beautiful. And then later on when the emotion of that moment has distilled, when you're tucking her, tucking her in at night, y' all are grabbing coffee together because starting now, y' all are going to start having coffee once a week or, or breakfast once a week.

[Jill]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And then you're going to say, hey, you said, is there something you can do? I want you to tell me about that. And then if she says, my goodness, I wish there was a surgery. I wish there was a thing. And you could tell her, hey, you're going to grow up and you're going to keep growing and these stuff will fade over time. There's parts of my body I wish I could walk. You know, you can be really vulnerable with her.

[Jill]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And then give her a lifeline when you're 18 and your body's kind of settling into itself. Maybe. But right now you're an amazing 13 year old girl and it's just stinks that it's awkward for us.

[Mary]

Right? Right.

[Jill]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

All of that is telling her one major thing, which is I'm right here in this mess with you and I love you and there's not a thing you can do to where I won't love you and think you're beautiful. And yes, I, I have parts of me that I'm not super happy with either. All of us are like that. All of us are like that. And also, I'm not gonna lie, be like, I Don't see those stretch marks at all. I don't see them because that's not true. You do. And I'm not gonna also make a face and be like, ugh, Right. I'm not gonna do that. Right. So it's anchoring all the way back. And then. Yeah. Have a hard conversation with your husband. I am grateful eternally that my wife had that conversation with me multiple times because I was taking my challenges with who I saw in the mirror and I was handing them to my kids and say, hey, y', all carry this too. And that, God help them. That's not their job. It's not their job. And I'll tell you, there's been seasons when my son will look a little pudgier and then he grows seven inches the next two weeks. Right. And so those concerns I had with kid number one, I'm not going to have those with kid number two because life, like their bodies are just changing so quick and their emotions, all of it. But I just want to say this. Thank you for loving your daughter. I want to get this one right. That says a lot about you as a parent. That's awesome. This is a time for connection and vulnerability, not for the right weight loss, weight loss program. And when a kid comes to you, a teenager comes to you and says, can you help me with X? The next question should always be, talk to me about what help looks like. Like if it. When you say the word help, what does that mean? And let them answer that. Let them give you some clues as to what they want to workout plan or they want a nutrition plan or they want mom to sit by them on the couch and remind them, I still love you. They want dad to come in and just be like, my goodness, 13 year old daughter, you're so beautiful. I can hardly stand it. I'm so glad I'm not 13 anymore. Thank you for the call, Jill. You're amazing. When we come back, a woman asks how to tell her mother she's no longer comfortable with moving her in. All right, those of you watching or listening to the show right now probably fall into one of two camps. First, you've never used a home security system. Maybe you've thought about it, but it's too expensive. You think you need a degree in it to work it, or you don't want a stranger drilling holes in your walls. Get it? Or second, you've had a security system, but you're tired of long term contracts having to buy a bunch of nonsense that you don't want or need and you're sick of big monthly bills. Cove is for both of you. Cove is smart, affordable home security that you can trust, whether you're a stay at home mom with kids or a business traveler who wants to check in on the house while you're 500 miles away. Setup with COVID is totally DIY and it's way quicker than you would think. And listen, Cove is the only system that streams live video right to the panel in your home so you can see who's at the door without even looking at your phone. That kind of clarity gives you real peace of mind. If you're a first time home buyer, a renter, or a comparison shopper who wants more value and fewer headaches. Cove is for you. Go to cove smart.com and use code Deloney and save up to 80% off your first order. Protect your home and the people you love with better home security. That's Cove C O V E covesmart.com and use code Deloney. All right, let's roll out to Baltimore, Maryland and talk to Elaine. Hey, Elaine, what's up?

[Elaine]

Hi, Dr. John.

[John Deloney]

How are you?

[Elaine]

Hi. I'm doing pretty good.

[John Deloney]

Excellent. What's up?

[Elaine]

Well, I was hoping you could help me to figure out how I can tell my mother that I no longer feel comfortable moving her into my home after some recent event revealed a major misalignment of what I consider some pretty core values.

[John Deloney]

Ooh. Tell me, why was she gonna move in?

[Elaine]

Well, my mom has. Is financially unstable. She has. She lived with her mother for a long time up until my grandmother passed away. And my mom has been able to kind of live on her own for a few years through her employment and through other means that she's able. But she has lost her job and has had some physical problems where she's not able to work full time anymore, and she just doesn't bring in enough to live on her own. And I have told her for years that, you know, she'll never be without a home, that as long as I have a home, she'll have a home. And now I'm feeling conflicted in that and I was hoping you could help me.

[John Deloney]

Yeah, what, what happened that you just flipped that switch and you were like, no, it's not going to happen.

[Elaine]

Well, I have a young adult niece, my mother's grandmother, or excuse me, my mother's granddaughter, who.

[Jill]

She.

[Elaine]

Was due to have her second abortion and this came to light. My mom called me when I was on the road and mentioned that she was going to be taking my niece that afternoon to have her second abortion. And I was shocked. And, I mean, I knew that this had happened before. And when it did happen, I prayed on it. And I promised myself that I would say something, that I would try, that I would reach out to my niece and do whatever I could to try to convince her otherwise and to explore support and some other avenues to save her baby. And when my mom failed to reach.

[Mary]

Out to any of the people that.

[Elaine]

Love my niece and that who could potentially support or help her, when she just decided to go ahead and take her to do that. Goodness. I mean, I remember my mother holding my babies, and I just. I can't. It's like, this can't be the same person. And so I'm just feeling so conflicted. And I did speak to my mother since writing you.

[Mary]

And tell me how that went.

[Elaine]

You know, it didn't go great. I feel like my mom is willing to pretty much say anything just to kind of have peace back between. Between us. I know that I'm a lifeline for her. And I love my mom. I love being with her. I want my children to have a relationship with her. But this makes it feel almost unsafe. Like, if she had taken my daughter without getting. Exploring every avenue to help her. To help save her great grandchild, I. And.

[Mary]

She just.

[Elaine]

She kind of stands on. She's doubling down. Like, it's. She says it's not her place. It wasn't her place to. That. It's my niece's decision. And I agree. It's her choice. But my mom feels it wasn't her place to reach out beyond. I don't know, to anyone, it seems. And I just feel like, you know, burn it.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. I mean, this is one of those. I think this is the reason or one of the reasons why this is such a flashpoint issue, which is you have people on one side of the building saying, hey, I cannot participate in the death of a child. And then you have somebody on the other side saying, in this purse, in this adult, your niece in her moment of need. I'm not going to leave her stranded. I will be here with you. And in your mind, you go to. I have a picture of my mother holding my kid. And your mother may also have pictures of herself standing here so alone in certain scary moments of her life.

[Mary]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

And so it's it. You end up having a war, but two people are holding different pictures in their mind. That's what makes it so complex. It's so black and white on either side.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

All right. And so the question I think for you is you may be having a conversation about this unborn child and your grandma, grandmother, I mean your mom is having a conversation about her own terrified, scared to death, 22 year old self.

[Elaine]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Right. And y' all just looking at the exact same issue from different, different places. The question you have to answer is there is what I thought you were going to say was you found out your mom has like a major drug addiction or something. Like there's an ongoing behavior and presence that I cannot have in my house for safety of me and my kids.

[Elaine]

Right.

[John Deloney]

This sounds like. And, and I don't want to distill it so much, but a punishment. You did this thing and that disqualifies you from this thing I was going to give you. And here's the deal. You can 100% do it because it's your house. And if there's a secondary issue here, or maybe it's the, a first tier issue, which is I can't put you in proximity to my kid because you have proven to me that if one of my kids comes to you, you will default to them and not to their support network. That's a legitimate concern. Just happened right in front of you.

[Elaine]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

But it's getting to the deeper thing, which is I don't want her here because she did this thing and I can't forgive her for it. Or in your mind, I can't reward you with the room in my home for it. If that's the case, own that fully. Or if it is, you have set a precedent. Now let's take abortion off the table because it's such a third real topic. She bought beer for other teenagers somewhere and she can't figure out that it's wrong. She just wants them to have a good time. And you're like, mom, I can't bring you into this house. I've got teenagers here.

[Elaine]

Yeah, that was, that was her. That was kind of her way of thinking growing up was, you know, you're better off to do it here than somewhere else.

[John Deloney]

There you go. And so you're looking at the same problem from two totally different issues. And it's, it's, it's why we're having so much division culturally right now is because at some point one person or the other has to go around the issue and sit with the person next to them, them and either say, I can't, I can't be in your life because you did this thing. You crossed a line that, that you can't uncross.

[Elaine]

Yeah. Or definitely Want to be in her life and want us to be part of our lives. I just don't. I feel hesitation in welcoming that into my home.

[Mary]

We.

[John Deloney]

When you say that, what is. When you say that is it. I can't welcome somebody who is pro choice into my house. I can't. I can't invite somebody who would. When. When a child. When a young adult. I don't know how old this, this, this your niece is, but when a young adult is reaching out for help, that doesn't bring in everybody and just tries to solve it on her own. Like, what's the. What's the. I can't bring that into my house. What is the. That. Be specific.

[Elaine]

That, for me, is her unwillingness to seek support, to seek the people support. And when I'd mention our. In our telephone call, she said, well, what were you going to do? You weren't going to help her? And that, to me was, like, heartbreaking because it's like, I feel like she doesn't even know me. It's like, of course I would help her. I would reach out. I would do Internet searches and find, you know, and her. And she says that, you know, my niece is in a bad financial way. She does not take good care of herself and that she wouldn't be able to support a pregnancy. I challenge that. I think that she would be able to. I know that it would be hard, but I think that, you know, I'm trying to think about her in the future and, like, her child and adoption and an open adoption, but, you know, and it's. It comes down to it, I just feel like it's not my place to say, but at the same time, like, if it were my daughter, like, that's our lineage, that's our family. And, like, it goes against. It goes against what I feel is inherent in us to protect our family.

[John Deloney]

Okay, so go. Go one layer deeper. Can we go one layer deeper beneath this? How many times over the course of the last 30 years has your mom completely blown you?

[Elaine]

Can you tell me what you mean by completely blowing me up? Like, just disregarded my feelings or.

[John Deloney]

I'm trying to think of a. No, let me say it like this. This woman who is your mom now, you've been struggling with your relationship with her since you were little. Fair.

[Mary]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

Okay. And you've made a whole bunch of really clear decisions over the years to not be like that. Fair.

[Elaine]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

And now are you married?

[Elaine]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

Okay. You have a good marriage?

[Elaine]

I do.

[John Deloney]

Okay. You worked your butt off for that good marriage because you didn't have a picture of what one even looked like. Fair.

[Elaine]

That is true.

[John Deloney]

Okay. You have made choice A, choice B, choice C, all the way to choice Z. And your life is bearing the fruit of that. You have a good marriage. You gotta. Y' all aren't worried about where your next meal is gonna come from. If one of y' all was to get laid off, y' all would be okay because you got each other. You have a relationship with your daughter that you dreamed of having with your mom. Fair.

[Elaine]

I'm trying. Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Okay. And so pretend you are a car mechanic for 25 years, and everyone in the community came to you for car care, and then you got your mom over here. That's like, I ain't going to. You're just gonna lecture me about the breaks. That's devastating, because the fruit of how hard you have worked is right there. And your neighbors eat from that tree, and your kids eat from that tree, and your own freaking mom won't. And now we have this huge, huge issue that goes against your core. Who you are. We take care of the kids in our line, and she's like, nah, I'm gonna take my car somewhere else.

[Elaine]

But she wants to park in my garage.

[John Deloney]

That's exactly right. And you've told her for the last 20 years, you always have a garage to park in.

[Elaine]

Yes. Yes. You know, I've had that picture in my mind of my mom. You know, I've made room for that picture in my mind of my mom in my home and, like, us helping each other.

[John Deloney]

I know, but in that picture, that picture was 2D. It wasn't 3D.

[Elaine]

Yeah, right.

[John Deloney]

And when you painted the picture, you left art out, the part.

[Elaine]

I feel like to make it work, I will have to ignore this part of myself.

[John Deloney]

There you go.

[Elaine]

And my husband is very supportive. He's. You know, this is what we do for family. You know, we. We promised early on that we would take care of our parents, that we would not put them away, that we would not, you know, that we would do everything we could to make sure our parents were safe and comfortable and.

[Mary]

Well cared for, point blank.

[Elaine]

And I feel like I'm going against that. And so I have to compartmentalize this.

[Mary]

This.

[Elaine]

I don't know.

[John Deloney]

And so anytime I get stuck in an either or position, I always force myself to back up. I have to take this job or not take this job. I have to move here or I have to not ever move again. Right. Anytime I back myself into a corner like that of an either or I force myself through an exercise of putting at least three to five other variables on the table. And they might be nuts, but I at least force myself. And what that exercise proves to me is I'm not backed into an either or. And so here's what some of those might be for you. We can get you a one bedroom apartment and we're gonna do that for 24 months. But you can't be here. We are going to cover your health insurance, but you can't come here. You can come here. And if this particular XYZ happens in my house, then you are choosing as an adult to leave my home. So I'm going to bring you here. But I have to fully be myself in this house. I, I, but forget the abortion issue. I don't what like talking to you now. I think her moving in makes you brings you all the way back to 12 year old you.

[Elaine]

I've always been the peacekeeper in the house.

[John Deloney]

That's right.

[Elaine]

I've witnessed a lot with my siblings and that more so their struggles with my mom. I've always just kind of like gone along to get along and nothing ever seemed like important enough to really rail against her. This however, just feels so much heavier than anything else and I can't, I promised myself I wouldn't be silent.

[John Deloney]

Okay. And you have to ask yourself what is, what does being silent here mean? Does it because you're at a crossroads with core values? I have a core value that is I will always take care of my mom, no matter what.

[Elaine]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And I have another core value which is if a child is in distress, we bring in everybody to help. I have another core value which is I am adamantly pro life, especially, especially when it comes to my family. And so these are, these are all crashing together.

[Elaine]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

And so I guess I want you to hear me say that for a peacekeeper, you're not going to have quote unquote, peace, especially initially in any decision you make moving forward.

[Elaine]

Right.

[John Deloney]

So make peace with the fact that there's not going to be peace moving forward here.

[Elaine]

Right.

[John Deloney]

Right. And so you have to choose your heart here. I think if I was in your same situation, I would be honest about and I intentionally, nobody knows where I stand on a lot of these quote unquote issues because I care a lot about the hurting person in front of me. So I'm not making an issue statement. I'm saying if there was some things in my life that violated core core values, I, I'm going to be honest. What I hear the deepest Fear is this big flashpoint thing with taking care of your niece reignited in you. I'm about to bring this woman into my home and she's going to have direct access to her granddaughter, my daughter. And I can't give her access to another child again because I've worked too hard. I've seen too much of the, of the damage this woman leaves in young people. With my sister, who refuses to talk to her, my other sibling, who is in and out of jail. And so this is a moment where the fantasy, that 2D picture you had, you had created, you had painted for yourself, which is one big happy family. It proved yet again, this isn't one big happy family. And then we got to grieve like bloody hell. That picture that we painted, because it's not true, it's not real. And now we got to paint another one. And that's where dumping these things out on the table and somebody who's awesome, whether it's a, a, a couple of good girlfriends or your husband, can hold it with you while you just kind of, it's, it's like I'm dumping out of puzzle pieces and you're kind of separating them into the ends, into the, the middles. And the picture of the giraffe and the picture of the lion, you're separating these pieces out and that's you just kind of sifting through your values. Who, who are we as a house gonna be? And we are somebody who fill in the blank. And that sounds to me like y' all might be somebody who's going to spring for half of a one bedroom apartment or someone who's going to spring for a one bedroom apartment for this many months. But I can't have you around my daughter. I'm not going to put her through what I've spent 25 or 30 years healing from, and it's still right in front of me. I just saw it happen with something else. Or you say one of my values is I can be deeply disgusted by somebody and they can still pull up to a seat at my table. That's when your value is cool, knock your lights out. But I want you to own the depth of it and understand there's not going to be just a lot of ah. When you come up with this quote, unquote, next right move. The next right move is often very painful. The next right move is often uncomfortable. That's what I see in your future here. Values are tough, especially when those we love and have promised ourselves, we take care of crash up against them. It's the messiness. But congratulations on changing your family tree. It's pretty impressive what you've pulled off and what you continue to do. Seek to be whole moving forward for you, for your husband, for your daughter, and for your mom. We'll be right back. This time of year, everybody's talking about getting more organized with less clutter, less stress. And why are we doing this? Because we want more peace. And here's one area I want you to focus on this year, your digital footprint. And that's why I recommend Delete me. Every time you fill out a quick form, grab a discount or sign up for something, quote unquote free online, your personal information, things like your name, your email, your phone number and your address. All that gets collected, sold and shared behind your back by data brokers. Over time, this turns on the fire hose of spam calls, weird text and scam emails. Delete me's team of privacy experts finds your personal information and it gets it taken down and they keep it gone. It's like setting healthy boundaries for your digital life because protecting your privacy is part of protecting your peace. This year, start fresh, get organized with fewer distractions and find peace. Go to join delete deleteme.com DeLoney for 20 off an annual plan that's join J-O-I N joindeleteme.com DeLoney and start protecting your piece this year. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? Go for it again.

[RoseAnne]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

Disagree.

[RoseAnne]

Answer this question a lot.

[John Deloney]

Go ahead.

[RoseAnne]

All right, so this is from RoseAnne in Somerset, Pennsylvania and she writes, I've been married 37 years. Recently my husband's brother has been dating a woman that my husband had a one night hookup with before we were married. So we're talking like almost 40 years ago they had a hookup?

[John Deloney]

Yes.

[RoseAnne]

It's still awkward her showing up after all these years. And now my family events are not comfortable. We have not attended any of them since they started dating. Everyone says it's in the past, but it's not quite in the past when it's back in your face. I feel this is disrespectful as his spouse for me to have to be in the same room. My husband feels the same as well, same way as well. But he's still not sure that I'm being. That I'm being reasonable. Everyone else sees this as no problem. So am I the problem?

[John Deloney]

Oh, man. I have a knee jerk with reaction. But you go first. What do you think it's been 40. That's what I'm saying, yes, you're the problem.

[RoseAnne]

Let it go.

[John Deloney]

Yeah.

[RoseAnne]

I mean, at this point we just laugh about it and move on.

[John Deloney]

Don't hold it back anymore. Yeah, let it go.

[RoseAnne]

I mean, it's, it was a one night stand. She says one night hookup 40 years ago. Let it. Move on. He's been with you for 40 years.

[John Deloney]

You won, you got him.

[RoseAnne]

Now, to me, this is different. If she, he had an affair with her 10 years ago while they were married, that's a different discussion. But it's not. They had a one night hookup 40 years ago.

[John Deloney]

40.

[RoseAnne]

I mean, do we all want to be, you know, I mean, I don't want to be held accountable for what I did. Did 20 years ago, you know, or 30 years ago or whatever, because we, we're different people and we make mistakes or even if it wasn't a mistake, it was 40 years ago. Before they were married.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. Just exhale on this one. Just exhale on this one. Let it, let it ride. Roll your eyes. You won. You won. You got him. 40 years. You got him.

[RoseAnne]

And maybe they need to just get it out in the open. Let's all make the joke, say the funny thing, move along, you know, let's call it out.

[John Deloney]

Dude, I tried to. 40 years. It's time. You were 50 at that age, and I hate you. Yeah, 40 years, like, yeah. Let it, let it ride. Let it ride. If, if you, if, if you, you. There's not even any ifs. Let it ride. Go on about your life. You're hanging on to stuff. You're. You're picking up 40 year old bricks and choosing to carry them in your present day. You won. You got the guy. Just roll your eyes. And when you make eye contact with your brother in law's new girlfriend, you can just wink at her and be like, I got him. Ha.