I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life

Summary

Episode Summary: "I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life"

Released on February 21, 2025, "The Dr. John DeLoney Show" delves deep into the complexities of anger and its detrimental effects on personal relationships and mental health. Hosted by Dr. John DeLoney of the Ramsey Network, this episode offers compassionate, caller-driven discussions aimed at providing real talk and actionable solutions for those grappling with emotional challenges.

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1. Caller Barry: Overcoming Anger to Rebuild Family Trust [00:05 - 18:39]

Barry’s Struggle: Barry from Huntsville, Alabama, reaches out at the very beginning of the episode, expressing his ongoing battle with anger that’s negatively impacting his relationships with his wife and children. He confesses to being labeled as “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” by his wife, highlighting the unpredictable nature of his emotions.

Dr. DeLoney’s Response: Dr. DeLoney empathizes deeply with Barry, emphasizing the widespread nature of such struggles among fathers. He acknowledges Barry's courage in seeking help and stresses the importance of self-compassion.

Key Advice and Actions:

1. Self-Awareness and Ownership:

   • Dr. DeLoney encourages Barry to recognize his limited emotional range—primarily anger and numbness—and the impact this has on his family dynamics.

   "What you're saying out loud is hard, and I'm proud of you. It's a courageous thing you're doing." [03:37]

2. Practical Steps to Rebuild Trust:

   • Establishing Routine Family Activities:
     • Dr. DeLoney suggests creating predictable, engaging activities like nightly corn hole tournaments to foster positive interactions.
   • Expressing Appreciation:
     • He advises Barry to write simple, positive notes to his children, promoting a culture of acknowledgment and love.
   • Enhancing Marital Communication:
     • Proposes regular breakfast meetings to discuss the relationship and daily expressions of love.

   "Can I tell you how simple it is?" [12:26]

3. Addressing Root Causes:

   • Delving into Barry’s childhood trauma, Dr. DeLoney explains how early experiences shape adult relationships, urging Barry to seek continuous therapy and develop new emotional skills.

   "This is kind of a recent Revelation in the neurological literature... you made five kids and you looked at a woman at an altar and you said, I do till death do us part. So your only option is I got to build new ones." [11:00]

4. Long-Term Commitment:

   • Emphasizes the necessity of consistent effort and the development of new relational pathways to replace old, destructive patterns.

   "You're about to be loved in a way you have never been loved before." [52:47]

Conclusion of Barry’s Call: Barry receives a comprehensive plan to address his anger, rebuild trust with his family, and cultivate healthier emotional responses. Dr. DeLoney offers ongoing support, highlighting the importance of intentionality and habitual positive interactions.

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2. Caller Amy: Managing Debt and Financial Habits in a Law Enforcement Family [22:09 - 42:18]

Amy’s Challenge: Amy from Indianapolis shares her struggle with over $40,000 in debt, compounded by erratic financial habits within her law enforcement family. She expresses concern about teaching her children proper money management amidst their own fiscal instability.

Dr. DeLoney’s Insight: Understanding the intricate pressures faced by law enforcement families, Dr. DeLoney addresses both the emotional and practical aspects of financial management.

Key Points and Solutions:

1. Redefining “Protect and Provide”:

   • Encourages shifting the traditional perception of providing from solely financial to include emotional stability and presence within the household.

   "I need you to protect my spirit. I need you to protect our finances." [28:15]

2. Effective Communication:

   • Advocates for compassionate dialogues about finances, ensuring both partners feel secure and aligned in their financial goals.

   "You need to have compromises where you can ask really honest questions." [25:06]

3. Budgeting Tools and Strategies:

   • Recommends utilizing budgeting apps like Every Dollar and implementing the debt snowball method to systematically eliminate debt.

   "The debt snowball. I'm going to pay off things smallest to largest. I don't care what the interest rate is." [42:04]

4. Involving the Family:

   • Suggests educating their 12-year-old about household finances to instill early financial responsibility and awareness.

   "Today, he's likely early elementary school and can begin to understand the family budget." [41:10]

Conclusion of Amy’s Call: Amy is provided with actionable tools and strategies to manage and eliminate debt while fostering a culture of financial responsibility within her family. Dr. DeLoney underscores the importance of unity and intentional planning in achieving financial freedom.

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3. Caller Gail: Coping with Sadness After a Grandson’s Down Syndrome Diagnosis [44:12 - 52:50]

Gail’s Grief: Gail from Gatlinburg, Tennessee, shares her profound sadness following her grandson’s diagnosis of Down syndrome. She expresses feeling overwhelmed by the perceived limitations and future challenges her grandson may face.

Dr. DeLoney’s Compassionate Guidance: Recognizing the depth of Gail’s emotions, Dr. DeLoney offers a compassionate approach to navigating her grief and acceptance.

Key Advice and Insights:

1. Acknowledging Grief:

   • Validates Gail’s feelings of sadness, emphasizing that it’s natural to mourn the life she envisioned for her grandson.

   "It's okay to be sad about that." [47:13]

2. Shifting Perspective:

   • Encourages Gail to focus on the joys and unique experiences her grandson will have, rather than solely on the limitations.

   "I want you to practice the gratitude. I want you to wish them well." [48:09]

3. Education and Community Engagement:

   • Suggests connecting with other families facing similar challenges to gain support, understanding, and practical knowledge.

   "I'm gonna go meet with some parents who've got kids who've got down syndrome." [47:29]

4. Mindfulness and Positive Affirmations:

   • Recommends practicing mindfulness techniques, such as whispering a prayer or expressing positive wishes, to manage negative emotions.

   "Every time you see a mother holding a brand new baby... you can just exhale, drop your shoulders and whisper a quick prayer." [49:16]

Conclusion of Gail’s Call: Gail is guided towards embracing her emotions while cultivating a positive, supportive environment for her grandson. Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of gratitude, community support, and redefining joy even amidst challenges.

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4. Caller Kelly: Navigating Family Dynamics with Evangelizing Siblings [54:31 - 60:36]

Kelly’s Dilemma: Kelly from Cleveland, Tennessee, seeks advice on how to address her sister Cheryl’s persistent evangelizing in public settings, which makes Kelly uncomfortable due to their differing faiths.

Dr. DeLoney’s Approach: Maintaining his signature blend of empathy and humor, Dr. DeLoney offers practical solutions to set boundaries while preserving familial respect.

Key Recommendations:

1. Establishing Boundaries:

   • Encourages Kelly to have a direct conversation with Cheryl about her discomfort, emphasizing the importance of mutual respect in public interactions.

   "You need to sit down with your sister and say, I don't believe any of this. I don't want to be your... I don't want to hear about it." [55:15]

2. Choosing Acceptance Over Conflict:

   • Suggests Kelly decide whether to disengage from situations where Cheryl evangelizes or find a way to coexist without taking offense.

   "You need to choose, are you going to blow it up or are you going to let your sister talk about the things she feels compelled to talk about." [55:27]

3. Promoting Positive Interactions:

   • Recommends focusing on joyful and meaningful interactions, such as wearing colorful clothes to inject positivity, as a subtle response to Cheryl’s behaviors.

   "You are invoking joy. In your own way." [58:16]

Conclusion of Kelly’s Call: Kelly receives actionable advice to manage her sister’s evangelizing without escalating tensions. Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries, choosing peace, and fostering a positive personal environment.

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Overall Insights and Conclusions

This episode of "The Dr. John DeLoney Show" intricately weaves together narratives of anger, financial stress, grief, and familial boundaries, offering a comprehensive look at the multifaceted nature of personal struggles. Dr. DeLoney’s empathetic and pragmatic approach equips callers with the tools and perspectives needed to navigate their challenges effectively.

Notable Themes:

• Self-Compassion and Acceptance: Encouraging individuals to understand and accept their emotions as a first step toward healing.
• Practical Solutions: Providing actionable steps tailored to each caller’s unique situation, emphasizing consistency and intentionality.
• Holistic Approach to Relationships: Addressing both personal emotional health and its ripple effects on family dynamics.
• Community and Support: Highlighting the importance of connecting with others facing similar challenges for support and shared wisdom.

Final Thoughts: Dr. DeLoney reiterates the significance of taking the "next right move," stressing that progress is a journey marked by small, consistent actions. His holistic and empathetic guidance empowers listeners to confront their emotional and relational challenges head-on, fostering an environment of growth, understanding, and renewed connections.

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For those who haven't listened to the episode, this summary encapsulates the essence of Dr. DeLoney’s compassionate and solution-oriented discussions, offering valuable insights into managing anger and its profound impact on one’s life.

Transcript

[Caller Barry]

How can I stop being unpredictable and rebuild trust with my wife? Lately, I've been called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You know, I need to be a dad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Can I just. Can I like, man, if you were here, I'd stop what we're doing and I'd give you a hug. But what you're saying is real heavy. And there's millions and millions of dads in your exact spot. Woo. What's up? This is John with a Dr. John DeLoney show, talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriage, your dating life, whatever you got going on in your world. I'm here to help. And by help means I'm. I'm just gonna sit with you. I think we're in a world where everybody just talks at everybody all the time. Most of the time we know what the next right step is. It's just hard to make it or just. We got 50 different options and choices and opinions and need someone to sit with us. So that's what this show is about, man. Me sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move. I've been doing this for over two decades, and it's one of the greatest honors in the world. When someone calls and says, hey, man, will you just sit with me? Let's figure this thing out. If you want to be on this show, it's real people going through real challenges. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to john deloney.com ask a s. Ask. Okay, let's roll down i65 and go to Huntsville, Alabama and talk to Barabara. What's up, Barry?

[Caller Barry]

Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Heck yeah, brother. What's up?

[Caller Barry]

So the base question is, how can I stop being unpredictable and rebuild trust with my wife and kids, man, That's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A big question, dude. What. What precipitated the question? What happened?

[Caller Barry]

Well, I've been called lately, I've been called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and my kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

By who? Your wife?

[Caller Barry]

My wife.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller Barry]

My wife.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is she right?

[Caller Barry]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right. Good on you for owning it. All right, so keep going.

[Caller Barry]

So my kids are. I mean, I don't want to say scared, but really nervous to come to me about anything. They'll go to my wife and, like, try to get her to me because they don't know how I'm going to respond. My wife doesn't either. You know, me and her don't have conversations anymore. We do the basic, you know, how's your day? What's going on? Who's taking the kids to practice, that type of stuff. We've become roommates because, you know, they just don't know how I'm going to act to respond to questions or, you know, anything that's brought up to me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what is. What is. Well, how long has this been like this, man?

[Caller Barry]

She says it's been a long time, and I'm just now starting to kind of realize it. I finally started going to, you know, to a doctor, therapy and things like that. And I've just come to realize that I. To me, I really only have pretty much two emotions. Either angry or upset, or I'm just laid back. And I don't. I don't know how to change it. Where my kids will come to me and I can, you know, I need to be a dad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller Barry]

You know, can I just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I like, man, if you were here, I'd stop what we're doing and I'd give you a hug. And I know that you might bristle at that at first, but what you're saying is real heavy. And there's millions and millions of dads in your exact spot. What you're saying out loud is hard, and I'm. I'm proud of you. It's a courageous thing you're doing. Okay.

[Caller Barry]

Yeah, it is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now, here's the challenge you have. You don't trust you either. You don't come to you with the truth about what you feel about certain things. You anger it away, you rage it away. Or you numb it out. You football game it away. And so what you're asking your kids to do and your wife to do is something that you won't even do. And so instead of trying to fix some things so that your kids will come to you, I want to turn off that nuclear reactor that's in your chest because somehow you woke up. How old are you?

[Caller Barry]

36.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You woke up at 36 and you don't like the life you live. Why? Well, all the things you're saying, it has, has. Has the. Tell me if I'm. If I'm out to lunch, man, because I could be way off. Is a guy who's just so tired.

[Caller Barry]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you're tired because you've been at war inside your own chest for so long. You don't think you make enough money. You don't like the job that you do. You don't like that you don't show up for your wife, but you don't have any tools in your Toolkit. So you just get madder and louder about it and it makes it work, right?

[Caller Barry]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your friends have all gone off to do stupid stuff. Alabama sucked this year. Like all of it, right? It's all in this.

[Caller Barry]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right in the middle of your chest, right?

[Caller Barry]

Definitely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where does that come from, man? How long have you not liked the. The skin that you're in your life? You only get one, dude. You only get one and you're like more than a third over.

[Caller Barry]

I. I've just come to realization not too long ago that I don't like myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Why?

[Caller Barry]

I want to say I don't really have anything to show for my life, but I've got five kids, a great wife, I got a job that I love.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller Barry]

But I just, I don't like who I am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A lot of men who don't like who they are either have some sort of hidden addiction or a thing they did that they, they've just buried. They've got some things that happen to them. Like in a previous show, talked to a child abuse survivor, went on for a long, long time, or they had some narrative, some false metric that was supposed to feel a certain way when they got it. When I get a house this big, when I cross the six figure mark is one I hear all the time. When I get this new promotion and I become the senior associate vice president, whatever, it's supposed to feel a certain way. Like I've got there, like I've arrived, like I made it. And most men are hyper disillusioned when they get there and it doesn't feel like they thought it was going to feel. And there's not a psychology for what comes next. And so most men get mad and they hit the gas harder. Did any of those three ring a bell?

[Caller Barry]

The more of what I've come to, I believe is what happened to me when I was little.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What happened?

[Caller Barry]

So it was me and my mom, mainly third shift worker. So I was at home all the time, did things. I just remember that if I ever did anything wrong or did anything like that or enjoyed something, she used that as a punishment. You know, if I, if I knew, if she knew that I enjoyed doing this activity or doing these things, that was a punishment. Like she's gonna take it away or, you know, that was how things were. And when I got old enough to get a job, I remember working and she used to tell me, well, you got to give me your paycheck because, or we won't have power and you won't be Able to do this or we won't do that. You know, and it's just. And that's. And so I know that I learned to not show that I was happy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Where was your dad?

[Caller Barry]

Well, they divorced when I was about 4, and he was, you know, he'd show up every other weekend and that type of stuff.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so can you cut yourself some slack for a second? You. You're trying to be a professional baseball player and you've never seen an actual game played. You're trying to be a great dad of five kids, and you've never seen a picture of a good father who shows up and is present in his kid's life. You don't even know what that looks like. You have some fantasies about it and you've watched some movies about it, but you don't even know what that looks like and feels like. Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself some grace. Okay. And you've never had permission to laugh inside your own freaking house to have joy in your own house. Of course you toggle from numb to anger and back and forth and back and forth, laughing and joy got stuff taken away from you. That's evil, man.

[Caller Barry]

I don't like to admit it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. Because my guess is joy got stuff taken away and being angry or being sad got you hit.

[Caller Barry]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what you learned at a really young age by the person who. By the people who were supposed to love you the most and give you a road map for what love looks like is I need to disappear in my own skin. And there ain't no hiding with five kids.

[Caller Barry]

No, I want to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know. I got two. And sometimes I just want to disappear. So here's what I want you to. To the grace I want you to give yourself. This is a skills issue, not a character issue. If you stop practicing, I'm going to call that a character issue. But the fact that you're terrible at shooting free throws, you've never tried before. You've never had somebody coach you on how to do it. You don't even seen somebody shoot a free throw. Of course you're not good at it. But I'll be damned. I'm going to wake up every day and take 100 free throws before I leave the house. Going to take a 100 free throws before my kids go to bed. And in four or five years, I'm going to be real good at shooting free throws because I deserve that and they deserve that. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller Barry]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. This is kind of a recent Revelation in the neurological literature, in the. In the brain science stuff, your adult relationships and your relationships with your wife, relationships with your kids actually uses the same pathways that were developed with your mom and your dad. Your brain repurposes those same relationship pathways.

[Caller Barry]

Great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right? Exactly. As us. All of the western world, all of planet Earth goes, oh, great, here's all that means. You're gonna have to build new ones, man. That's your only option. You made five kids and you looked at a woman at an altar and you said, I do till death do us part.

[Caller Barry]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So your only option is I got to build new ones. And the way we build new ones is not sitting around ruminating and not sitting around thinking about it over and over again and not listening to another podcast. Another podcast. It's getting out there and doing it even. And especially when I don't want to.

[Caller Barry]

I've been doing that. I've listened to podcast books. I'm like, you know, I need to do that. I need to do this. And then I just. And then you don't sit there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. You just sit there. That's right. So what courage and bravery looks like for you right now is doing it anyway. Can I tell you how simple it is?

[Caller Barry]

Please.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are your kids?

[Caller Barry]

12? 10, 8, 6 and 6.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. This. You got twins on the back end.

[Caller Barry]

Yeah, homie.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, I'd hug you again right now. All right, number one, I want you to build. And again, I'm stereotyping Alabama, so you may not know how. I want you to build a cornhole thing.

[Caller Barry]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to have a nightly tournament with your six, with your five kids.

[Caller Barry]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want it to include trash talking. I want you to do it when it's cold. I want you to do it when it's hot. I want you to ask your 7 year old, hey, is it okay if you're gonna go to bed getting dominated by dad at Cornhole? And they'll be like, bring it on.

[Caller Barry]

Sounds great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what I want. I want them to get some sort of predictability Every evening. Dad's gonna show up, and I want you to practice showing up when the only thing on earth you want to do is go hide in the bathroom and sit there for 45 minutes and scroll your phone or just turn on the football game and numb out. I want you to make yourself go do it. Okay?

[Caller Barry]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to show up. And I want you to show up. And I want you to show up. All right, here's number Two, this one's going to be even harder than that one. Okay. Are you ready?

[Caller Barry]

I'm ready.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to go to Walgreens today or Walmart or something. I want you to buy five of the cheapest spiral notebooks you can buy. And I want you to write their names on it. And I want that to go on their bed. And every night I want you to write something in can be one sentence. I'm not asking you to write a paragraph, one sentence where you saw them doing something great that day. That's it. And if they want to write you back and put it on your bed, you would love to get that. You can tell them that.

[Caller Barry]

So I'd have it there before they went to bed?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yep.

[Caller Barry]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The third thing is, I want you to take your wife out for breakfast and say, I want to start two things on a regular basis. Number one, a weekly calendar, dinner, budget meeting, just us together. How we doing? The second thing is, I want us to begin to ask every morning before I go to work, how can I love you today?

[Caller Barry]

Say that one bur times.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do what I said.

[Caller Barry]

I've heard you say that plenty of times.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. I want you to ask her, and I want her to ask you. And if you want to be a real gangster, I want you to go for a walk together once a week. No complaining, no whining, just walking. I'm going to send you every deck of the question for humans, for couples, and the intimacy deck. And I want you all to commit to doing a couple of cards.

[Caller Barry]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what you'll have to do. You'll have to rebuild your marriage.

[Caller Barry]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

From the floor up. You have five kids. You have seven people in your house now.

[Caller Barry]

Sure did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And I want you to tell her, I don't have the skills to be the dad that I want to be. I never. I've never seen it happen. But you need to get a couple of men in your life that you can call, that you can text, that you can have coffee with, that you can grab a drink with, that you can laugh with. And if that's her dad, if her dad's an amazing man, I want you to call him and tell him, I'm gonna invite you into my life. But your dad didn't show up for you, man. You gotta own that. That means you gotta go get some help.

[Caller Barry]

I think I got a few.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why don't you tell your wife? I've never seen a mom show up and be present with her kids. I'm learning. I'm gonna. But I'm gonna dedicate myself to learning how to do this right. And so that might mean, hey, wife, when you see me getting enraged, will you just put your hand gently on my arm and I promise I won't disappear. I'm gonna put my cell phone away. I'm gonna continue seeing a counselor. Will you do one last thing for me?

[Caller Barry]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to write 9 year old Barry a letter and tell him that you're so sorry that his mama treated him like that and his dad walked out. I want you to tell them that little boy is loved and that you're going to grow up and you're going to fix it. You're going to be a dad that shows up for all five of his kids. Okay?

[Caller Barry]

Yes, I will.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you let that little boy go play. That little boy needs to go have fun and not have the stuff get threatened to get taken away from him. He needs to go get a job and learn how to save and give and spend some of his money. A little kid needs to learn how to laugh and play. He's got his whole life to get beat down by the system, man. As a kid, man, he needs mom and dad to love him and show up. And that didn't happen for you. But that little kid's still trying to defend you and protect you. You got to let that kid go play. People ask me how to do that sometimes. That's holding a picture of the. Of yourself as a young kid and writing that kid a letter. Sometimes that is taking a picture of your mom, Barry, and put it in your back pocket. And every time you want to snap at your kids, every time you want to yell at your wife, every time you want to just grab your phone and disappear, I want you to pull that picture of your mom out and look at it and say, hey, Mom, I'm going to. I'm going to beat down on my kids just like you did on me. We're going to do this together.

[Caller Amy]

And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then you're gonna realize real quick, no, no, no. I'm not letting her into our house anymore. She's out. I'm gonna learn these new skills. I'm gonna go get it. I'm proud of you, brother Barry. Like the. The light came on for you. We're gonna get a routine and we are going to stick with it. We're gonna ask our wife. You're gonna ask your wife. How can I learn love you today and I'm gonna let you in. How can you love me Inch by inch by inch we're gonna walk this thing out. I'm grateful for you, brother. You call me anytime. We'll be right back. Okay, let's talk about organifi. Listen up. Health and wellness is not a destination. It's a journey. It's an adventure. And for most people, that journey can be tough, filled with ups and downs. And that's why I love organifi. They make it super easy to make healthier choices about what you eat and what you drink. And right now, they're making it even easier with the Organifi starter kit. For those of you still on the fence about whether to get organifi or not, it's a great way to sample organifi for not much money. With Code Deloney, they'll give it to you, all of it, for 40 bucks right now, including shipping. Listen, the starter kit is like organifi's greatest hits. Seven days of green juice travel packs to boost your energy and calm your mind. Seven days of red juice travel packs full of antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery. And 30 days of essential magnesium capsules for strong bones and healthy muscles. And if you get in on the starter pack right now, they'll also send you a branded organifi shaker bottle for free. So make Organifi's whole food blends and top quality ingredients part of your health and wellness adventure. Just like I have. Go to Organifi.com Deloney right now to save 20% off all of their products with Code Deloney. That's O R G a n I f I.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 20% off. All right, let's talk Cozy Earth, the makers of the best bedding, sleepwear, and bath linens in the world. So if you're like me, your New Year's resolutions are hanging on by a thread. And your body is redlining from all of the new exercise, the new eating habits, and all the back to school activity. All of it. And I'm all about, go, go, go, go. But we all have to remember, rest is vital for our overall health. And though I like to go hard, when I rest, I like to rest right. And for me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in. And Cozy Earth has a great Valentine's Day sale for her and him going on right now. So there's never been a better time to experience Cozy Earth's bedding and pajamas. They're soft and breathable, and they keep me and my family cool and comfortable all night long. Perfect for the sleep and the rest. We need to be re energized. Invest in yourself by investing in cozy, comfortable sleep with Cozy Earth. And right now, Cozy Earth has an exclusive sale for all of you watching or listening to the show. 40% off all products. To help you stay cozy this winter, visit cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code Deloney right now. That's Cozy Earth. C O Z. Yeah. Cozyearth.com DeLoney all right, let's go up to the home of Reggie Miller, Indianapolis, Indiana, and talk to Amy. Hey, Amy, what's up?

[Caller Amy]

Hi. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great. How about you?

[Caller Amy]

I am awesome. Super excited to talk to you. Anxious. So I'm just going to start rattling off my question.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't be anxious. I'm not that. I'm not that good at this. What's up?

[Caller Amy]

Well, I have a question.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, bring it.

[Caller Amy]

So how can my husband and I pay off over $40,000 in debt, stay debt free, and be able to teach our kid good money habits when our habits are in the toilet?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's the question behind the question?

[Caller Amy]

Okay, so my husband and I have been married for over almost 20 years. We've been together since we were in high school. High school sweethearts.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gross. Gross.

[Caller Amy]

I know. It's so great. I'll send you the prom picture. It's great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, go there. Like, I just, I don't want to wait. Like, Dawson's Creek's playing in the background. So great.

[Caller Amy]

No, it was Celine Dion because it was the Titanic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, my gosh. I'll never let go. I love that. Okay, all right. So sorry.

[Caller Amy]

So we're, we're a law enforcement family. My husband's been in law enforcement for over 20 years. I'm also a special needs mom for 14 years. And so one of the proudest moments was when I was gave birth to my son. The next day was payday and I paid off our credit card and I was like, this is the best.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Amazing.

[Caller Amy]

And then our son started down this road of all these medical needs and nobody knew what was going on with him. And we spent the last, the next four years trying to figure out a diagnosis for him. So where'd you land? I'm sorry?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where'd you land?

[Caller Amy]

Diagnostically, it's a really rare, the diagnosis that like 32 people in the world have. Oh, man. So. But thankfully, everything is controlled. We've got therapy, we've got medication. Like, life is good in that. We've got, you know, we figured out some financial stuff that we can Use for financial assistance. Like that's been great, but it just feels like whenever we get a chance to get ahead, like we do really well. And then all of a sudden we're back into our old habits. And so I know of about $45,000 in debt. I secretly feel like there's more. One of the things I told him about at the beginning of the year is like, we need to sit down and like really be honest about our finances, where we're at and how we're going to do better. Because we have a, we have a 12 year old as well who is like, has no concept of money and we are not doing a great job. Set him up for success. So what is, what is the best way to have this conversation with my husband, who is prideful in what he does, which, you know, I love him. He's been an amazing, supportive husband and has always provided like he's working six days a week, he's working as much as he can to try to help make ends meet. And so we just aren't coming up with a great plan that's helping us move forward in the right direction.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So, yeah, totally, 100%. And that's. I mean, I come from this house, I'm a product of this house. Okay. My dad was a law enforcement guy, an amazing guy who worked his butt off, worked extra jobs. And so there's two things at play here. Number one, the idea of having to budget your money often signals to a man who grew up with a picture of what being a husband and what being a provider looks like as a symbol, like a bat signal that you haven't made it yet, you're failing your family.

[Caller Amy]

No, that's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The fact that we have to budget for money is just a reminder that my neighborhood, I'm a public servant. Public doesn't give a crap about me. I remember watching. Like, I remember I. Dude, it's visceral. Watching my dad's face swipe the ATM card, hoping there'd be money in there, cuz he had kids with groceries. And I remember as a kid thinking, if that's what the public thinks of public service, I'm out. Screw you guys. Because people try to shoot my daddy and we can't afford groceries. I remember being like 12 and being that cognizant. So I think number one is understanding that for your husband that the thought that we have to sit down and plan what we're gonna buy and not buy might be felt in his chest as. Yep, it's true. You're Failing your family financially. Okay. And so it, it, it's easier than coming at somebody like we need to. You need to. It's just a, it's a compassionate way to go, dude. You're not feeling our family. Okay. The second thing is, is shifting that needle from. It's redefining what protect and provide, meaning what I have found in my house is it is easier for me to go shoot my guns and become a great marksman. It's easier for me to go take some boxing classes and some kickboxing classes and to get back into MMA training stuff. It's easier for me to go work out than it is for me to on a day by day basis show up and be a steady, joyful, delightful presence in my own home. Okay. And so what I have to do for myself and convincing a whole generation of men that providing is financial. But you also needed to provide an electric free home. Provide a joyful, stable, or as Dr. Becky Kennedy calls it, a sturdy presence inside your house. And I have come to believe for me, the gym, the shooting range, the whatever, fill in the blank is a numbing device. It's a distraction from. I don't know how to be, I don't know how to provide stability inside my house. So I'm going to provide. You got my direct deposit. That's what you get. I'm going to go protect and do these other. Right. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your husband from his training knows how to protect better than 99.6% of the population. He's got that down.

[Caller Amy]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. He needs to have you gently yet with and compassionately yet directly re. Help him redefine. What protect means is I need you to protect my spirit. I need you to protect our finances. I need you to protect our family in the event that you die, which you will now or you will later.

[Caller Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that we have money so that our special needs kids can continue to get the services he needs so that one of our other kid can go to college. So that I don't have to immediate. I get a chance to grieve you. I don't have to immediately go to work on Monday.

[Caller Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's just redefining protect and provide. And in my house, my wife has done an extraordinary job of holding my hands in those hard seasons and letting me know I. Any talk of financial failure is in my head, it's not in hers.

[Caller Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The failure on my part is not budgeting in reality, not, not spending in reality.

[Caller Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's my failure Right.

[Caller Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, as I've. As I've continued to work here, where I work and been around different people, the wealthiest people on the planet that I've met, they all budget.

[Caller Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It looks differently, but I just thought there was this place you get and you just never think about it again. That place doesn't exist. It's not a thing.

[Caller Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I mean?

[Caller Amy]

Right? Yeah, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If they are, their money will be gone in a generation. It'll go away long term. Yeah.

[Caller Amy]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just goes away.

[Caller Amy]

And I think that's where he's trying to figure out, like, we. We've got some investment properties that, you know, I don't know a ton about. He knows more about that than I do. I see it as another place for us where we're spending money. And he's like, but it's coming out of the business. I'm like, but it's supposed to be an investment, but we're in debt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the words long term. I don't feel safe in my home not knowing where our money is, where our investments are, and much we owe. Will you help me feel safe?

[Caller Amy]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This year during our annual retreat. My wife and I go on that annual retreat every year. This year was my favorite one we've ever done. But I did something different this year. And I watched her body change. I went and I called a buddy. She's a real estate agent here in Nashville. I called her and asked her to run an appraisal, run comps on. On. On my properties. I. I called my. My Smartvestor pro and said, I need to know. I need a detailed accounting of every. I got everything. I even got all the guns, all the guitars, all of my. Like, if I die today, here's what this stuff is worth. And it wasn't just like, fake what it's worth. This is like, if you had to sell this today, this is what you could probably get for it.

[Caller Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then I had the life insurance policy and the number, like, here's who you call. And I read it off to start our meeting. Here's where we are financially. And I watched my wife's shoulders just drop to the floor. And I remember laughing. And I was like, you know all this? And she's like, yeah, but just seeing it. And I. She didn't verbalize this, but I think the fact that I went and got it beforehand told her, he's invested in making sure I'm safe.

[Caller Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And my wife knows I know how to fight, and she knows I'M fast. I know how to run. Like, if I need to run away from, like. That's not the kind of protection. The protection that applies to most of us is if our house burns down, what. What then?

[Caller Amy]

Yeah, right. Absolutely. Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I think it's just redefining what's safe and what. What protect and what provide actually means right now.

[Caller Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there may be. Listen. There may be another side to this, or maybe a wife listening to this right now, and she knows exactly where every account is. Her husband makes a whole bunch of money, and she thinks he's in danger of a heart attack any day because he's never been to the gym. The protect and provide conversation in that household might be. I'm worried you're a ticking time bomb. If you want to protect me, you want me to feel safe, I want you to go to a doctor. I want you get an exercise program. I want you to start lifting weights. I want you to do something right. You get what I'm saying? So, yeah, that means something different in every house. Most of the men I know right now have doubled down on the thing that's easiest for them, and they are ex. Puffing up like a balloon and expecting their whole families to just get behind that. And families are going, hey, whoa, whoa. You can lift a lot of weight and you can run real far. I don't feel safe.

[Caller Amy]

Right, Right. Any is in another kind of, like, side to this. So I have stayed at home with my boys since I've given birth. And there's a guilt factor in that. I spend money because of the house. I buy things for the house, boys, haircuts, groceries, whatever. And there's a guilt factor that I have because I'm not working outside the home to bring in some income to be able to help the family. Any advice for that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, that's a story you're telling yourself that you have to choose to stop telling because it's not true.

[Caller Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, as your husband told you that.

[Caller Amy]

No, but there is the occasional, like, oh, your boyfriend's in the neighborhood, also known as the Amazon man delivers my packages.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but, I mean, is that. Is he. Is he being silly?

[Caller Amy]

I think he is. You know, like, sometimes after you start to hear things over and over again, you're like, wait, is this. Is this reality? Like, am I really? But, you know, and it's. It's a battle. And I think it's also just my work history. And, like, I used to be a provider. I used to be. I used to be the One that was the breadwinner between the two of us before we had kids, and then now it's kind of gone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Caller Amy]

And so just trying to let that go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I think you and him need to go have a. Have a great. Like, let's reimagine our marriage. Now we have a 12 year old and a 14 year old. We've never been married with a 12 year old and a special needs 14 year old. And I'm feeling an itch to go back to work or every time I buy something, I feel like I'm a net drain on the household. Do you feel that, too? I see you working so, so hard in so many jobs and doing so much stuff, and I miss you.

[Caller Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, I think there's just a moment to settle in. And you can say things like, the story I tell myself is when you make a joke about my boyfriend, the Amazon guy, being around that somehow me buying stuff for the house, like, doesn't sit well with you.

[Caller Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And he can learn not to make that joke anymore. Or you can learn that's just a stupid story I'm telling myself. I'm running this household. I'm taking my CEO skills that I was using at another place when I was a breadwinner, and I'm running this thing.

[Caller Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he can say, the story I'm telling myself is you love me a little bit less because I don't make more money.

[Caller Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And y'all can give yourself an opportunity to be open and kind of level set. Because. Because the joking, like, in my house, that's always a joke. My wife was a gangster. She made more money than me. She was this rock star professor. And like now to this day, like, she stays at home. She. She has her own small business, but she stays at home. Like, she runs the place. And I'll occasionally, like, like, oh, man, you're spending my money again. And I didn't realize that that was kind of a jazz. She felt that. And it wasn't until she committed to making the jokes that it loosened the grip when I'd be like, hey, what are you doing today? She goes, I'm going to spend all your money. And I. But you get. I'm saying, like, that was her way of running directly into the anxiety.

[Caller Amy]

Yep. I. I love that. I love that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But that only came from us having a conversation where she said, I feel like every time you make a joke, you're kind of pointing it out. And I was like, oh, my gosh, dude, I'm a walking train wreck. Like, no, spend all of it. Like, you. You keep the lights on here. Right. So. But, I mean, that's just us having that story.

[Caller Amy]

Yeah. Awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And can I just tell you one last thing?

[Caller Amy]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think your marriage is stronger than you think it is right now. I think I've got it. Like, it sounds like I got a husband who's working really hard for his family, and I have a wife who loves this guy, and y'all are just. He slowly started speaking Spanish, and you've slowly started speaking Greek, and you'll just need to make a commitment to start speaking the same language again.

[Caller Amy]

Thank you for that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that cool?

[Caller Amy]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. You're awesome. I appreciate the call. Call anytime. Yeah. I love the idea of a stay. Sweep the arm like, we used to be married like this, and now we're gonna rebuild something amazing and new and cool. And let's block off half of a Saturday morning and let's call a babysitter, or your kids may be old enough now. Let's call somebody, or they can take care of themselves for half a day. And let's just go reimagine it in the best possible way, because we've chosen how we got here, and now we can choose whatever we want to choose moving forward. Awesome, Amy. Awesome. We'll be right back. All right. Hey. I just let Amy from Indianapolis go, and I got to talking too much, and I distracted the whole conversation, and I never even answered your question. Amy.

[Caller Amy]

Yeah, I'm still here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know how you say this in Latin, but I kind of blew that last call. So we talked a lot about your marriage. You called and said, how do I pay off this debt and how do I get debt free and how do I teach my kid?

[Caller Amy]

But at the same time, it was great because I take things personally and when we have these conversations. And so your tips on communication was really helpful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, awesome. Well, I appreciate that. You're making me feel. Not like I need to just get a new job. All right, so listen, here's the deal. I'm going to hook you up with a couple of tools that will walk you through it. Okay? So you probably know I work for Ramsey Solutions, and I also co host a whole other show that's a financial show, how people get out of debt, the Ramsey Show. And so I'm going to send you a couple of things. Number one, I'm going to send you all the original or they've been reshot, obviously, but the Financial Peace University videos, I'm going to Send them to you for free. Okay.

[Caller Amy]

Okay. Awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the way I've seen couples, especially when one really wants to get control of their finances and get out of debt and stop making other people rich. Right? Just that piece of, if my husband loses his job, if he quits, if something were to happen to him, God forbid, we're okay because we don't owe anybody anything. I've the most common connection I've seen people make when one really wants to do that and the other doesn't really care, doesn't care about getting out of debt or whatever, is when one person says this. I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe knowing that if something happened to you, especially someone who works in law enforcement, that Ford doesn't care. Ford Motor Company wants their money or our mortgage company wants their money. Right. So that's number one. I'm gonna send you that. The second one is, is the app that my wife and I use. It's called Every Dollar. I think it's the best budgeting app on the planet. I'm going to send you the premium version for a year. And here's what it does. It connects to your bank. Y'all can put the things in it, you can put all your debts in it. And. But when one of you buys something, it shows up for the other person too.

[Caller Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It just keeps you all connected.

[Caller Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. And you put it in there. You budget together once a month. And I didn't know this, but turns out, like budgeting and talking about calendars can turn into this wild aphrodisiac. I did not know that. But here we are. Right? But just this idea that we're going to plan the month ahead together, right? And we're gonna be on the same page together. It's pretty amazing. But this thing helps you do it in real time every day. Especially when you forget like, oh, I ran through and grab some Starbucks. It pops up. And you can hold each other accountable that way, but it comes down to intentionality. And then you've got a 12 year old and a 14 year old. What's the. What's the cognitive awareness of your special needs?

[Caller Amy]

14 year old, he just loves toys and loves to buy them and loves my gifts for everybody.

[Caller Gail]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What's his. Where is he developmentally?

[Caller Amy]

He's probably like early elementary school.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Okay. All right. So your 12 year old is, I think, perfect age to begin to see what the family budget looks like.

[Caller Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And to begin to know, here's how much money the electric bill Cost. And here's how we move that money over to pay it. And this is all the money we have left. And they begin to go, oh, man. Wow. And so a mom says, hey, turn the lights off. They get it. Okay, Right. But I think bringing them in, and maybe you don't bring them into the entire conversation, but you bring them in and maybe let them hit the button and on the electric bill or the water bill, and they get to see how much it costs, and they get to participate in that. But 12, I think, is. Is a good age to start bringing them into that conversation.

[Caller Amy]

Okay, very cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that cool?

[Caller Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so those two tools will help. At the end of the day, if you want to get out of debt, you and your husband have to get on the same page, share accounts, get all that crap out on the open. Here's what we owe. Here's what we're trying to do. Here's our side business and your side hustles and what? Blah, blah, blah. All that. We got to get on the same page. And then we just have to be intentional.

[Caller Amy]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the debt snowball. I'm going to pay off things smallest to largest. I don't care what the interest rate is. Blah, blah, blah, blah. We're going to pay off things smallest to largest and just get the stupid stuff done.

[Caller Amy]

Okay, cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that cool? All right.

[Caller Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You all commit to watching those videos together. Hang on the line here, we'll get you hooked up with those free tools. They're all digital tools and they're awesome. And if you guys are listening to this and you think, ma'am, this is the year I want to just not owe anybody anything. I want freedom in my own freaking house. I want peace on my house. Go to the link in the description below here and you will send you to all these rad tools. These are tools. I use them at my house. I use them at my house. So there you go. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, the modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs. These things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bon Charge products all of the time, literally every single day. And I love them. And here's why you'll love them, too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help you recover from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them every day. And I want you to check out Bon Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100 blackout sleep masks and more. Go to boncharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15. That's B O N C H A r g e bond charge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. All right, let's go to Gatlinburg, Tennessee and talk to Gail. Hey, Gail, what's up?

[Caller Gail]

Hey, Dr. Deloney. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Absolutely. How are you?

[Caller Gail]

Good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent. What's up? How can I help?

[Caller Gail]

My question is, why am I struggling so much to overcome the sadness after my grandson was born with down syndrome?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man. Tell me. You tell me.

[Caller Gail]

Okay. So I just. I feel like three fourths of his life opportunities have just gone down the drain since he was born.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that mean?

[Caller Gail]

To me? Just things he cannot do with the diagnosis. He won't be able to drive. He won't be able to go to certain camps, no phone calls, no party invites, just. I'm just projecting so much negativity, I guess, trying to get past this, and there you go. It gets triggered every time I see a newborn or young child. That's typical versus his atypical diagnosis.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller Gail]

I'm just having a hard time with it. I don't know why.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I mean, it's number one, you know, that his life's gonna be different.

[Caller Gail]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And in many ways, it's gonna be a struggle.

[Caller Gail]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there's health implications, and depending on all sorts of factors, there. You know, there's lifespan challenges, there's all sorts of issues. So you see that and you're compassionate and you care.

[Caller Gail]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. It's easy to overlook the fact that a typical kid's got to have tons of challenges, too. They're just different.

[Caller Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that a kid born with down syndrome may have more. Right, Right. That's number one. The fact that you're sad just means you're projecting. This kid's going to have a tough. A tough. A tough road. And that breaks your heart.

[Caller Barry]

Right?

[Caller Gail]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The second One is. Is you use the word project. And I love that you had a picture when you're. Was it your daughter or your son?

[Caller Gail]

It was my daughter.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. When your daughter called you and said, I'm having. I'm pregnant, we're gonna have a baby.

[Caller Gail]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Instantly, you. A picture was created in your mind. It was a vc. It was a VHS tape of what was going to happen. And so I think what you're dealing with is less grief that you have a healthy kid. Less. Less grief. Because the stories, you know, they're not necessarily true. Kids get invited to birthday parties, may be able to drive, maybe not. Maybe able to go to camps, maybe not to go to certain camps, but we'll get to go to other camps.

[Caller Amy]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We'll laugh and have joy and have an. Like, just write all kinds of things. A whole spectrum of things. But you had a picture in your head of what was going to look like, and that picture is different now.

[Caller Gail]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I think it's. It's you acknowledging, oh, I instantly create a picture and I got to make peace with the fact that picture is going to be different. And it's okay to be sad about that.

[Caller Gail]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The challenge is not projecting that sadness onto the kid, especially, and not projecting onto your daughter.

[Caller Gail]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then often the best solution to some of this stuff is, Is information, education.

[Caller Gail]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so that means I'm gonna. I'm gonna go meet with some parents who've got kids who've got down syndrome. I'm gonna go get a part, become a grandparents of down syndrome kids. Surely there's a Facebook group for that. There's a Facebook group for everything. But I'm gonna learn about this and you're probably gonna find a significant amount of relief.

[Caller Gail]

Yeah. Okay, I got you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I want you to head into it right now. You've had. You feel sad and you feel guilty that you feel sad, and so it's causing you to not just stay away. Right?

[Caller Gail]

Yeah. Well, you know, it's like a gut kick. Yeah. You know, especially when I see other. Other little kids. Other newborns and children.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. But that's a scarcity thing. Can you celebrate him? Can you whisper a quick prayer?

[Caller Gail]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I wish you an amazing life.

[Caller Gail]

I just wish he has an amazing life. And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no. Every time you see a typical kid.

[Caller Gail]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Every time you see a mother holding a brand new baby, that quote unquote looks perfect to you, and you don't know that story of that baby. You don't know what congenital heart defects that baby has. You don't know what ticking time bomb, whatever that kid has, but I want you to practice the gratitude. I want you to wish them well, okay? Because here's the thing. You wishing evil on them, are you being sad about them or are you cheering them on? Quite honestly, it doesn't affect them at all. It does affect you, right? And your body will respond to each one of those stories you. You choose to dwell on. And if you choose to dwell on, screw that young mom right there. It's not fair. I can't believe it. Your body dumps adrenaline cortisol into your body, into your bloodstream. You just stew in it and based in it.

[Caller Gail]

Gotcha.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or if you see that mom and you run up and go, oh my gosh, my daughter just had a baby too. Let me see this thing. And you look at that mom and say, I wish both of you the absolute grandest adventures of all time.

[Caller Gail]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then your body, you get to. Your body lifts up, right? Your spirits lift. And even if you walk away and you're a little bit sad, that's okay, right?

[Caller Gail]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. It's kind of like when somebody cuts you off in traffic, you can flip them off and bang the steering wheel and be like, you're probably a Democrat or you're probably a Republican, right? You can, you can do that. And you have the stroke, not them. They don't even know they're listening to their stupid music. They're not listening, you know, they don't pay attention to you. Or you can just exhale, drop your shoulders and whisper a quick prayer. Dear God, hope to get to the hospital before his wife passes. And one of those drops your heart rate makes you a little bit more compound. You get to pick. But I don't want you to beat yourself up for your feelings. Your feelings are your feelings are your feelings.

[Caller Gail]

Right? Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But also, I don't know, man, I've just met some pretty extraordinary families where somebody's got down syndrome. I met some amazing people. Down syndrome. I've met some amazing families. And again, there's a spectrum of, of like sociability and ability to get a job versus they need more caretaking. It's just a wide spectrum. So who knows how it plays out, how it ends up. But man, there is so much laughter and joy and no way and fun and exploration and curiosity to be had. And I just suggest you double down on that is with all your heart, right?

[Caller Gail]

And yeah, you know that that's what I'll do moving forward for sure. But I was just Trying to remember when my kids were little, I didn't even remember them having any friends that had down syndrome or anyone in their class having down syndrome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, and back in the day, they sequestered everybody.

[Caller Gail]

Gotcha.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They moved them into special class, away from traditional, and they've integrated classes a lot more.

[Caller Gail]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if you went to a public school right now, you'd probably see more students walking around with various, you know, like, non typical challenges.

[Caller Gail]

Gotcha.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think our learning exceptionalities, I don't know the positive spin they've tried to put on it these days, but you're just gonna see a lot of different. A lot of kids with special needs more integrated into traditional classrooms.

[Caller Gail]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this is going to sound bananas, but you weren't looking for it then, so that doesn't mean it wasn't there.

[Caller Gail]

That's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. There's that. There's some. There's that psychology about, like when you buy a red car, you see red cars everywhere.

[Caller Gail]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because you're finally looking for it.

[Caller Gail]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so whatever your. What was that? Brene Brown says whatever you go looking for, you're sure to find, like you. You didn't go looking for it. So you could have seen it and not even registered it.

[Caller Gail]

True.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you'll see it a lot more now.

[Caller Gail]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you'll smile a lot more and you'll see the laughter a lot more and you'll learn some skills.

[Caller Gail]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But your feelings are your feelings, and they're okay. Don't beat yourself up for them.

[Caller Gail]

All righty. I gotcha.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then go do the next right thing.

[Caller Barry]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, buckle up, because you're about to be loved in a way you have never been loved before.

[Caller Gail]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller Gail]

All righty.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, you're awesome. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, Lent is just a few weeks away, and if you haven't heard of lind, it's a practice that goes back centuries. And it's when Christians all over the world would get ready for Good Friday and Easter through different kinds of prayer, meditation, and fasting. Lent is about getting rid of all of those things or habits in your life that get in the way of knowing God and of ultimately living a full, joyful life. So whether you grew up in the Christian tradition and you want to experience Lent in a new way, or you think the whole thing sounds kind of nuts and you want to learn more, check out Hallow's Lent Pray 40 challenge. The Lent Pray 40 challenge walks you through great stories and guided prayers. Last year, more than a million people around the world prayed with Hallow every day during Lent. And this year will be even bigger and better. Right now, you can get three months of Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world, for free. When you sign [e-mail] delay and this means your free trial will last all the way through Lind. And when you join Hallow, you can check out over 10,000 of their guided prayers and meditations. So download the app and sign [e-mail] DeLoney to get notified when the Lint Pray 40 challenge starts. That's Hallow. H-A-L L O W.com DeLoney for three months of Hallow absolutely free. All right, we are back. Hey, don't forget to subscribe to the show. Take 30 seconds and leave a five star review and send these episodes to your friends, your loved ones or people you don't like. You can bomb them. I'm super grateful for the support. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? Go for it.

[Kelly]

All right, this is from Cheryl in Cleveland, Tennessee. She says, how do I tell my sister who I love and respect that I don't want her to evangelize to my neighbors and strangers when we are out together, we are of different faiths and it is difficult for me to feel comfortable after she does this. I have tried, but I think she believes that she is doing God's work and that trumps my opinion. So she continues.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't even know, man. Sounds like she has told her and she's been like, I don't care. God's more important than you.

[Kelly]

Yeah, does sound like, I mean, she's already told her so. Yeah, I mean, I think at this point it's the ball's. I don't think she's the problem. I don't think there's a problem here. But now she gets to choose.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know, she don't get to be around my friends anymore.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or maybe she needs to fix her attitude before she gets struck by the lightnings. That's what I think. Who, who, who is this? Who? Who wrote in? Cheryl, I think Cheryl. Cheryl. You need to fix your attitude, sister. I'm just playing toy. I'm just trying to have some fun, period. All right, so listen, I. I don't know. That sounds like she's already told her. And so I think sometimes it's strange when somebody just. You put a boundary down, like, hey, please don't say that in front of my kids and they Just blow right through it in the, like to the point that you think you're crazy. Like, did you not hear that? Or hey, this is a dress up event and they just show up in sweats and a T shirt. You're like, I know, I told you. Right? Then you just have a choice to make. You going to blow it up and so you need to leave or are you going to say whatever? That's just my sister. Right. I. I think most people in Cleveland, Tennessee understand there's just some people that want to talk about the L. D all day long, all day, er day. And it just is what it is. And I, I think she might be feeling more sensitivity in her own chest than other people are feeling. I like to hear when people are really passionate about their faith. I like to hear about it like it makes me feel good. Like that they feel safe enough and compelled enough and passionate enough to just let it rip. I like that. I like that.

[Kelly]

So, yeah, it makes me wonder almost, and this is purely conjecture, does Cheryl, I mean, she said they were of different faiths.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I wonder if Cheryl's the one that doesn't like the message. Not.

[Kelly]

Doesn't like the message. Yeah. And it may be. I don't know if Cheryl is of like, I don't want to say no faith, but you know, she's a non believer or just a completely different faith.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or she's like, Ben, she worships rocks or something. I don't know.

[Kelly]

But I think. Yeah. Is the issue that, that Cheryl has more of an issue with it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, I think I, I think you're right. I think she's the one with the challenges of what's being said. Nothing. Not the neighbors. Most people are pretty respectful or they'll just respectfully say, I don't believe anything you just said. Like, and we move on with our lives. But I don't know. Yeah, if, if you. I think that's a good call out. If this is a proxy. If the neighbors are like, the neighbors are really ups. The neighbors don't care. It's you. So you need to sit down with your sister and say, I don't believe any of this. I don't want to be your. I don't want to hear about it. Or you can just let your sister talk about the things she feels compelled to talk about. Ta da. I don't know. You're always talking about like old person stuff all the time and we kind of let you run like your joints and I don't know, hot flashes. I don't know. Whatever stuff you're talking about.

[Kelly]

None of those.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've not one time ever mentioned any of that stuff. So out of fairness, but I would like to call this out. I have noticed you are invoking. You're wearing more colorful things this year.

[Kelly]

Yes, that's by choice.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

By choice.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I feel like you are. You are invoking joy.

[Kelly]

In my own way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

In your own.

[Kelly]

Without having to be joyful myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, you are continuing to be. Not joyful at all. But you're wearing clothes that project joy.

[Kelly]

Trying to inject some color into very drab winter. January and stuff is just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I agree.

[Kelly]

You know, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then everyone. Our show just wears black and sad colors.

[Kelly]

Well, like yesterday, I had on all black. Black shirt, black pants, everything. But I had on hot pink shoes because I was like, dang it, we'll wear some color somewhere.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that ended up in a meeting, too. Yeah, we talked about that.

[Kelly]

Hey, I wanted to point out real quick, and you and I talked about this off air, but to the. If our previous caller is listening there, just Google the poem. Welcome to Holland.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The what?

[Kelly]

Why is it Poem. Poem. What is it? I say weird there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Poem.

[Kelly]

Poem.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A poem. It's two syllables. Poem, A story.

[Kelly]

It's a short story called Poem.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sounds like Poem, A poem.

[Kelly]

Is that better?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When I think of a poem, I think of like a wooden pogo stick.

[Kelly]

Anyway, a short story written by a woman, a special needs parent. It's called welcome to Holland. And it's just a great story about. This is from a mother's perspective of giving birth and thinking that I'm gonna have a quote, unquote, typical child. And then you have a special needs child. But it's a great way to think about it. Of this isn't better or worse. It's just different. And now I have to think differently. But to any. I was thinking about that with her. It's a great story to read. The whole idea is you've planned for a trip to Italy. You got. You've done all the research, you've got all the books. You've done everything you could do. You get on the plane because you're going to Italy. You've planned for it for months. You get off and they say, welcome to Holland. And you're like, wait, what?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Kelly]

So now all of a sudden, Holland.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is beautiful, but you're not in Italy.

[Kelly]

But I'm not in Italy, but I'm here. It's pretty cool. But I have to learn now. I didn't plan for any of this. So now I have to learn about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Love that.

[Kelly]

And then the idea is. But the tulips. The whole, like, thing about it is, but the tulips are pretty in Holland.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Kelly]

Yeah. So it's a great point. I mean, story, short story, whatever we're.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Calling it, it's called a poem.

[Kelly]

Let's just end the show.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, America, make sure you read some more poems and be kind to one another. Love y'all. Bye.