Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?

Summary

Summary of "Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?" Episode on The Dr. John DeLoney Show

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Dr. John DeLoney Show
• Host/Author: Ramsey Network
• Episode: Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
• Release Date: April 4, 2025
• Description: A caller-driven show offering real talk on relationships and mental health challenges.

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Introduction to the Episode

In this impactful episode, Dr. John DeLoney addresses profound relationship and mental health issues faced by his callers. The central theme revolves around deciding whether to continue or end a long-term marriage fraught with addiction and infidelity. The episode provides deep insights and compassionate advice to those grappling with similar challenges.

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Main Call: Audrey's Struggle with Marriage and Addiction

Caller: Audrey, from Ontario, Canada
Episode Focus: Deciding whether to stay in a marriage plagued by addiction and infidelity.

Key Points Discussed:

• Long-term Marriage Challenges:
  Audrey has been married for 20 years and has two young children. Throughout her marriage, her husband has battled a binge cocaine addiction, intermittently entering rehab without achieving lasting recovery.

  "We've been together for about 20 years, two young kids, and he's also had a binge cocaine addiction the entire time." [00:04:10]

• Attempts to Reconcile:
  The couple has made numerous attempts to mend their relationship through various therapies, counseling, and rehabilitation programs. Despite these efforts, the situation has only worsened, leading to a separation six months ago after Audrey kicked her husband out due to his persistent drug use.

  "We've done therapy, family therapy, IV therapy, we've done all the therapies, and we're just stuck." [00:02:06]

• Impact on Family:
  The addiction has severely affected their children. Audrey recounts a distressing incident where her husband used cocaine in front of their children, necessitating intervention to protect them.

  "I had to get somebody to the house to take the kids away. And that was kind of the thing that I said I would never be okay with." [00:04:50]

• Financial Stability vs. Emotional Turmoil:
  Both Audrey and her husband work in finance, providing some financial security. However, this stability starkly contrasts with the emotional chaos and instability within the home environment.

  "Finances are not bad. Ish. For now." [00:05:11]

• Personal Trauma and Fear:
  Audrey shares a traumatic past experience of her father's suicide when she was eight, which has left her with lingering fears and feelings of inadequacy in handling her current marital issues.

  "My dad died when I was eight... He killed himself." [00:07:57]

• Decision to Leave:
  Dr. DeLoney urges Audrey to prioritize her safety and that of her children by considering the end of her marriage. He emphasizes that leaving is a necessary step for their well-being.

  "Get out." [00:07:17]

  "It's time to either say, this is who your dad is and we're gonna ride or die, or your dad has opted out and I'm going to have to do the dirty work here and actually take care of the paperwork." [00:14:31]

• Self-Forgiveness and Moving Forward:
  Dr. DeLoney highlights the importance of self-forgiveness and taking actionable steps to exit the toxic relationship. He likens the decision to a business transaction that requires clear boundaries and formalization.

  "Forgiving yourself is doing the next right thing." [00:16:56]

• Emotional Closure:
  Audrey is encouraged to write letters to her parents as a means to express her feelings and set boundaries without triggering defensive reactions, facilitating emotional closure.

  "If you write a letter that says, hey, here's a path to your daughter, to my heart, to my mind, to my spirit, and I love you guys, and here's my boundaries…" [00:35:33]

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John on High Functioning:

  "I absolutely hate the phrase high functioning because all that means is somebody has X, Y or Z challenge…" [00:04:32]

• Encouraging Audrey to Leave:

  "Get out." [00:07:17]

• On Forgiveness:

  "Forgiving yourself is doing the next right thing." [00:16:56]

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Second Call: Hazel's Conflict Over Politics and Family Dynamics

Caller: Hazel, from an unspecified location
Episode Focus: Navigating family relationships strained by political disagreements.

Key Points Discussed:

• Family Division:
  Hazel struggles with her parents excluding her from significant family events and responding aggressively to discussions about politics, making her feel like an outsider.

  "When we're together in person, things are fine. But we all live in different states and rarely see each other." [00:24:17]

• Emotional Turmoil:
  The constant political disagreements have eroded Hazel's relationship with her family, leading to feelings of isolation and frustration.

  "I constantly feel like an outsider, only catching bits of everyone's lives through my husband, who isn't the best communicator." [00:24:17]

• Past Trauma:
  Hazel shares her experience of being placed in the middle of emotionally unregulated adults throughout her childhood, exacerbating her current struggles with family dynamics.

  "Over a whole lifetime, for your whole life you've been put in the middle of immature, emotionally unregulated adults." [00:30:22]

• Strategies for Coping:
  Dr. DeLoney advises Hazel to write letters to her parents to articulate her feelings and set boundaries without directly confronting them, which often leads to defensiveness.

  "If you write a letter that says, hey, here's a path to your daughter, to my heart, to my mind, to my spirit, and I love you guys, and here's my boundaries…" [00:37:28]

• Encouragement and Support:
  Hazel is encouraged to seek support outside of toxic family dynamics and to prioritize her emotional well-being by focusing on her own growth and happiness.

  "Your job is just to grow up and bang your head against boundaries and be silly and have fun and kiss." [00:30:24]

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John on Family Pain:

  "Your pain is earned. Over a whole lifetime, for your whole life you've been put in the middle of immature, emotionally unregulated adults." [00:30:22]

• Advice to Hazel:

  "Forgiving yourself is doing the next right thing." [00:16:56]
  (Correction: This quote is in Audrey's section. For Hazel, relevant quotes include the ones above.)

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Third Call: Phil's Navigating Parenting Stepchildren and a Biological Child via IVF

Caller: Phil, expecting a biological child via IVF
Episode Focus: Ensuring equal treatment and love towards his stepchild and upcoming biological child.

Key Points Discussed:

• Family Expansion:
  Phil recently adopted a 10-year-old stepson whose biological father has been inconsistently present. Phil is now expecting his first biological child via IVF, bringing additional emotional responsibilities.

  "I've been trying my best to be a father, you know, to be the dad that he deserves." [00:41:35]

• Upcoming Child:
  Concerned about balancing his love and attention between his stepchild and his biological child, Phil seeks advice on maintaining equality and preventing favoritism.

  "I'm afraid that since she's my flesh and blood that I'm not going to treat him the same." [00:43:34]

• Balancing Parenting Roles:
  Dr. DeLoney advises Phil to affirm his love equally for both children and manage his emotional responses by referring to his unborn daughter as his child publicly. This approach helps in fostering a sense of belonging and ownership without bias.

  "Love is a choice you make. And you've chosen to lean in and love this little boy like his own dad." [00:46:07]

• Emotional Support and Journaling:
  Phil is encouraged to start journaling letters to each of his children, creating a personal connection and documenting his love and thoughts. This practice can help both children feel valued and cherished.

  "Start writing your daughter to be notes. I would also get a journal and write your son notes and begin that practice." [00:49:27]

• Building Legacy and Overcoming Fear:
  Phil is reassured that his efforts to love both children unconditionally will establish a strong familial foundation. Addressing his fears of favoritism is essential for fostering a harmonious and supportive family environment.

  "You are building her nervous system in her brain every time you hold her, every time she feels peace and warmth." [00:48:09]

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John on Parenting Choice:

  "Love is a choice you make. And you've chosen to lean in and love this little boy like his own dad." [00:46:07]

• Advice on Journaling:

  "Start writing your daughter to be notes. I would also get a journal and write your son notes and begin that practice." [00:49:27]

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Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Throughout the episode, Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, setting boundaries, and taking decisive actions to prioritize mental and emotional well-being. He provides compassionate, practical advice tailored to each caller's unique circumstances, fostering a space of understanding and actionable solutions for complex relationship issues.

“Love deeply and love recklessly. And I think the meta message for both your kids is no matter what, you can always come home.” [00:50:48]

Additional Insights:

• Self-Forgiveness:
  Dr. DeLoney discusses the often misunderstood concept of self-forgiveness, highlighting that it's not merely an intellectual exercise but an actionable step towards healing.

  "You can't sit in a dark room and be like. And remember that old office episode when Michael Scott declares bankruptcy? That's not how that works." [00:17:01]

• Emotional Boundaries:
  Emphasizing the necessity of setting clear emotional boundaries, Dr. DeLoney compares navigating toxic relationships to engaging in a business transaction that requires formal agreements and boundaries.

  "He won't do that to my kids. And then he gets to choose." [00:15:00]

Notable Quotes:

• On Family Dynamics:

  "You're in a spider web of dishonesty, and you've allowed it too." [00:06:40]

• On Moving Forward:

  "Forgiving yourself is doing the next right thing." [00:16:56]

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This episode of "The Dr. John DeLoney Show" serves as a vital resource for individuals facing immense relational and emotional challenges. Through heartfelt conversations and expert advice, listeners gain valuable insights into navigating the complexities of marriage, family dynamics, and personal growth.

Transcript

[Audrey]

Should I stay and try to fix my marriage or is it simply beyond saving?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's a big one. 20 years means you've dealt with a lot of gnarly actions inside your home. Give me an example of a few of them. What up?

[Co-host]

What up?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is John with a Dr. John DeLoney show. Taking calls from all over planet earth about your marriages, your relationships, your mental and emotional health, struggles with addiction, whatever you got going on in your life. My promise is this. I may not have all the answers, but I promise I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. I've been doing this for more than two decades and it's one of my, one of my, the highest honors of my life that I get to sit with folks and amidst their pain and amidst their trust and see if I can point out on the horizon and find a, a small pin prick of a light that might provide hope for the next right move. If you want to sit down and have a chat with me, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndelony.com ask a s k. Love to have you on the show. Let's roll out to. Let's roll out. Let's roll out. Good grief. Out to Ontario, Canada and talk to Audrey. Hey, Audrey. What's up, lady?

[Audrey]

Hey. Oh my gosh. I'm, you're my, I'm a, I'm a big fan. You've been with me on my journey.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm a huge Audrey fan.

[Co-host]

This is, this is big for both of us. What's up?

[Audrey]

Thank you. Thank you. So I guess my, my short question is, should I stay and try to fix my marriage or is it simply beyond saving?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who? That's a big one. So if you've listened to me for more than like three minutes, you know, I'm not going to give you that full answer, but I'll, I'll, I'll sit with you. What you got going on?

[Audrey]

Okay. We've been together for about 20 years, two young kids, and he's also had a binge cocaine addiction the entire time. It's gone spans of a year, not using, but it's been consistent. And we've tried rehab, he's tried rehab, we've tried counseling, we tried everything. And it continued to escalate. And finally about six months ago, when he brought it into the house, I kicked him out and separated and told him to leave. And so it's been six months. We've done therapy We've done family therapy, IV therapy, we've done all the therapies, and we're just stuck. And the only difference is he doesn't live here and he sometimes sees the kids when he's not using. He only uses on the weekends, it appears, and he's high functioning otherw, but not functioning for our family. And I'm stuck.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. To get this out of the way. Otherwise it'll just spin in my head and loop and loop and loop. I absolutely hate the phrase high functioning because all that means is somebody has X, Y or Z challenge or struggle with addiction or mental health disorder, whatever it is, and they go to work and get a paycheck. High functioning rarely is in reference to the wake that somebody like your husband leaves relationally, emotionally, financially, on the people that. That love him. And for those. I've spent a lot of time with people with struggle with cocaine. Just for people who are listening, who don't have that kind of reference. 20 years means you've dealt with a lot of gnarly actions inside your home. Give me an example of a few of them.

[Audrey]

Well, I had a hard time going away, but when I did go away about a year and a half ago on a trip that was pretty important across the world, he was with the kids and used. And my daughter called FaceTimed. She's young, but she FaceTimed. And I had to get somebody to the house to take the kids away. And that was kind of the thing that I said I would never be okay with. And it happened. And then it took me a year before he, you know, just continued to do it. And he brought it into the house when we were all sleeping. And I caught him and Audrey, he's been.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's been bringing it into the house forever. You know that.

[Audrey]

There's more. There's more.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How many times has he cheated?

[Audrey]

Years ago, exactly five years ago, I found out there was escorts too. And so it's bad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What about your finances?

[Audrey]

We're both in finance, so finances are not bad.

[Caller]

They're good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Audrey]

Ish. For now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm thinking of what they could have been 20 years ago versus how much they've just literally been snorted away. So can I ask you a personal question? I want to kick you while you're down, but can I ask you a hard question?

[Audrey]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why'd you. Why'd you make humans with this guy?

[Audrey]

I don't know. I thought, you know, I guess naively, I thought, I guess this happens and he's not doing it. He didn't do it, it would be like two year span and it wouldn't happen. And then it would happen and he would just disappear for 24 hours or 72 hours. Humans. Yeah. Yeah. Usually about 24, for sure. It usually didn't go beyond 24. And that means you're.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That means you were really present in the. In the ramp up.

[Audrey]

Huh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For most normal mortals, it would have been 48, 72 hours. But you, I guess, could handle the front end of that before you had to disappear.

[Audrey]

I guess.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Audrey]

Yeah. And he's. And he's mad at me, and so there's a lot of anger.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course he is.

[Audrey]

And, you know, there's a lot of. Everything's intermingled. It's not together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's so clear.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is it about your current reality that you're having trouble being honest about?

[Co-host]

Because.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because listen, for the last 20 years, you have lived inside of a spider web of dishonesty, and you've allowed it too. It's both. And.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what is it about this current reality? Like, if your friends set you down, forget the cocaine, forget the. Forget the drug abuse. Hey, my husband's getting a bunch of escorts. He's making the kids incredibly unsafe. He's making you unsafe with the sexual practices. He disappears for days on end. What would you tell your friend?

[Audrey]

Get out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Get out. What is it about this situation that you can't put both feet on the ground? I feel like you're out in the bay in the water.

[Audrey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's three feet, but you. You won't just stand up.

[Audrey]

I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's three feet deep.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Co-host]

What are you scared of?

[Audrey]

I don't know. I. I don't know. I guess I'm scared of him dying.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that.

[Audrey]

What if I can't do it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that. Well, not about the can't do it. You're a financial executive. You make enough money, you've got a rare thing that women in your situation have, and that's financial security. You're okay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to go back to the thing before that.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Audrey]

My dad died when I was eight.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There it is.

[Audrey]

He killed himself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you've been watching a man slowly kill himself for two decades?

[Caller]

Yep. Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about your old man.

[Audrey]

I don't remember. I was eight.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You remember the. The bomb blast, though?

[Audrey]

Yeah, yeah. Like, he. He was abusive to my mom. She separated from him. They were separated at the time. And he was coming to get us to take us out for breakfast and she found him in the garage. So I'm sure that's I'm paranoid or petrified of him dying.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Audrey]

But I know all the things. I am intelligent, I can do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This has nothing to do with intelligence, Audrey.

[Caller]

Yep.

[Audrey]

I'm just stuck. I know I have lawyers, I'm ready to go with things, but I'm just stuck.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your dad. Your dad dying wasn't your fault. You know that, right?

[Audrey]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Audrey]

I guess it feels. With him, it is my fault because I. I didn't save on.

[Caller]

I didn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You don't have that kind of power, sweetheart. You don't have that kind of power.

[Audrey]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You didn't have that kind of power. When you feel. When you're eight years old and I. There's not a more powerless feeling then one of our parents dies when we're a kid.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there's especially not a more powerless feeling when mom says dumb things on the back end of that.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Audrey]

I mean, he's out and me and the kids are safe and we're at peace and, you know, but I can't ever get rid of him because he's their father and he is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't. You can't get rid of him. He is opting out of their life.

[Audrey]

He is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He has opted out multiple times. And I want you to consider the fact that he is screaming in his silent voice, please get these kids away from me. I'm not safe.

[Audrey]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You say you work at the same place.

[Audrey]

Yeah. Not in the same. For the same company, but not in the same place every day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Will this cost you professionally to. To divorce him?

[Audrey]

I hope not. But that fear is there. The stigma, the. Yeah. I mean, as big as it is, it's still small.

[Caller]

So.

[Audrey]

Yeah, I'm concerned about that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But he'd be a person of character on the back end or. He run you down.

[Audrey]

He has been a person of character so far, but he is running me down silently. And nobody knows that he has this problem either.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well. And that's that. So let me. Let me change the language a little bit. So you. I guess for all intents and purposes, you've made your decision.

[Audrey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you're calling me as like, just like a. Kind of a. Like a. Like a C level podcaster to be like, I do. I stamp this. Yes. I stamp your decision.

[Phil]

Okay.

[Audrey]

Validation.

[Co-host]

Consider.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Stamped. Okay.

[Audrey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know that I've. I've talked to somebody who's tried this hard for this long to get somebody to See in the mirror what you see, which is a man that you love.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he's gone from. He can't now. I think it's. He won't.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so he won't. And exhale. Put a stamp on it when you make that decision, that I'm ending this for the safety of me, my family, my children. You are now entering into a business transaction. And if you are doing business, if you were sitting around a table with a room full of lawyers about to sign an agreement or end terminate a contract with business professionals, there'd be some sort of NDA ish kind of language that says, you can't go out in the public and run me down or I'm going to make this whole thing public.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so now that you're entering into this world, that's got to be part of the language. You can't quote, unquote, protect yourself partly. Right. Boxers don't go in with one arm up. They got to have both up. They're gonna get knocked out.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you know as well as I do that in the workplace, his word's going to be valued, especially initially over yours.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Audrey]

He holds a higher position too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So we're going to be people of integrity. And we're also going to put down in writing this is how this is going to go. But you need to hear me say he left you a long time ago. He just didn't do the paperwork.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Audrey]

He just keeps coming back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, you keep allowing him back. I would come back if I was him too. To a warm, safe place with somebody who loves me unconditionally, who let me just run amok and two little miniature versions of myself that are the fantasy of the innocence and purity that I could have been, that I still can be, but I just won't. Of course he comes home.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are your kids?

[Audrey]

8 and 10.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I would use language like daddy's really sick.

[Audrey]

I did. I did. After listening to a few of you I have. That's. That's the language I'm using with.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Audrey]

My. My 10 year old knows that it's drugs. They call it acting weird when mom's away. Dad acts weird, but it's just for a day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gosh.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Audrey]

They're in therapy too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I mean.

[Co-host]

I mean, that's all well around.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I mean, it's. It's all well and good. You're pretty therapized up. You know what I mean?

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The thing you've got to start doing is taking action.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've thought about it enough. You've talked yourself into circles. You've had enough cups of coffee with, well meaning, like, it's tight. It's time to either say, this is who your dad is and we're gonna ride or die, or your dad has opted out and I'm going to have to do the dirty work here and actually take care of the paperwork, because he won't. He doesn't love us enough to fully leave. He loves us enough to bounce back and hurt everybody.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm not going to let him do that to my kids. And then he gets to choose. Quite honestly, he gets to choose. And all this stuff comes out in court, by the way, he's got a lot to lose.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

About his drug use and his safety and he's going to take drug tests to be around the kids and all that kind of stuff.

[Caller]

Yeah, he does now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you've got a whole other.

[Co-host]

Crazy world of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, just the unequalness with which these things get separated. But probably a lot of your success is due to the shared child care expenses and all that kind of stuff. And so figuring that out, just sitting down and making sure we're all honest about what this is going to take.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Audrey]

But you're right. I gave it a try.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What are you talking about, you gave it a try? I gave. I gave downhill snow skiing a try. I hated it. I. I went to ski school and I. Not. I just went out of control down a bunny slope and I knocked over a ski instructor, and he was like.

[Co-host]

What'S the deal, bro?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I was like, really? You think I did this on purpose? And I spent the whole day freezing on greens, and then I just said, I hate this. I quit. I gave that a try.

[Co-host]

I don't like being cold, and I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like being out of control and skiing's both.

[Co-host]

That you gave two decades of your life.

[Caller]

I did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think you have to forgive yourself because you've known the ending of this ride for a long time and you kept staying on it. Staying on, staying on, staying on.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Audrey]

I did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Will you forgive yourself?

[Audrey]

Yeah, I'm trying.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yep. Can I tell you a thing that kind of sucks about forgiveness?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I haven't seen it done intellectually, successfully. Like, you can't sit in a dark room and be like. And remember that old. That old office episode when Michael Scott declares bankruptcy? He runs out in the middle of the room, he's like, I declare bankruptcy. That's not how that works. I've not Seen people with this type of long term hurt be successful in forgiving themselves or somebody else as an intellectual exercise. You have to go do.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And often yourself. Yeah. Forgiving yourself is doing the next right thing. Yeah. Just hard. And let's, let's like put it all out on the table for the next five to 10 years. Unless he is just a man of extraordinary character who's just has a demon that is cocaine. You'll be the bad parent. He'll be the cool, fun parent. You'll be the parent that has the rules and the guidelines that he'll be the parent that's like, oh my gosh, let's go right. And he'll have resources and he'll have the fun and he'll be the dad that sneaks the beers and like just you're, I mean it's gonna be the next five, 10, 15 years of tough stuff. And what you're doing is you're trying to create a world where your 25 year old son, your 25 year old daughter can look back with their hand in yours and say, oh, now I get it. She was fighting for us the whole time. She was fighting for us the whole time. But no more. Daddy gets weird. You should be able to leave town, leave the country. And they be with their safest person imaginable, their dad. And he's chosen not to be that. I hate that he left you and I hate that he left y'all. Thanks for the call, sister. Call anytime. We'll be right back.

[Co-host]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

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[Co-host]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

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[Co-host]

Their red juice is filled with antioxidants and it recharges your mind and your body with natural energy. It's focused without all the caffeine jitters.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I know a lot about caffeine jitters.

[Co-host]

And finally, don't forget the greatest hits album, the Organifi starter Kit. It got red juice and green juice travel packs and magnesium capsules for easy access to good stuff even when you're on the go. And right now you'll save 20% on the [e-mail] deloney with promo code Deloney. Go to O R G A N I f I organifi.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney right now for 20% off the Organifi Starter kit and everything else on their site. Go right now for better health. All right, let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's a officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation. Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called the Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus. And that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy and healing over time. Throughout the way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of the Chosen, Chris Pratt and Mark Wahlberg. And you'll also be invited to participate in experiencing life Change yourself. Plus, you can check out Hallow's Lent Challenge for kids. It's called the Little Way. It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers. Hallow has an enormous catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign [e-mail] Deloney, you'll get three months for free. That means you're covered through the entire lint season and beyond. Go check out [e-mail] DeLoney that's Hallow H A L L O W.com DeLoney for three months for free. Yo yo, we are back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, me and my buddy Dave Ramsey, we're taking our shows on the road Money and Relationships tour. It's coming soon to a city near you. It's going to be wheels off, answer questions. You guys get to decide a lot of what we talk about on the show. It's going to be like our shows live. And for those of you who just listen to this podcast or YouTube, I also host another show that Allegedly is way, way, way, way bigger than this one where we talk about relationships and money. And so listen, we're. We're coming on the road unfiltered, unapologetic, and it's going to be also fun. And also you're going to leave with some things you can do to change your life right where you live. And so you're going to be full of wisdom and things you can actually take with you. New tools. So we're going to go to be.

[Co-host]

We're going to be in Louisville on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

April 21, Durham April 23, Atlanta on April 25, Phoenix on May 5.

[Co-host]

Fort Worth, Texans, you got to show up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

May 7, Kansas City, May 9. Go to ramseysolutions.com tour. It's going to be wheels off. Can't wait to. You guys ever want to know what.

[Co-host]

What do they edit out of these shows before go live?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Come to the show and come to see us live and you'll see it all.

[Co-host]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, and like, or subscribe, please hit those buttons. They help us a lot with the algorithmic overlords. Thank you. Let's go out to Norfolk, Virginia and talk to Hazel. Hey, Hazel, what's up?

[Hazel]

Hi. How you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing pretty good. How about you?

[Hazel]

I'm doing pretty good. I'm a little nervous, but, you know, we'll get there. We'll get through it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you heard the show before?

[Hazel]

I. I've come across a couple of your. Your episodes on YouTube. That's where I'm coming from. I, I saw a couple and I, I kind of recognized, like, okay, this is an unbiased individual.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, I'm super biased.

[Hazel]

Looking for. You seem to be able to at least logic your way through most things, even if you don't agree with it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what? That's the nicest thing somebody said about me. I appreciate that. No, I'm biased about silly things, not about big things.

[Co-host]

All right, so let's let it rip, dude.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So anyway, if you know this, if you, if you haven't seen this show a lot, I'm not very good at this, so you have nothing to be nervous about. You're.

[Co-host]

You're.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're good. We'll. We'll fumble through it together. So what's up?

[Hazel]

So how do I explain to my parents that politics is ruining. Ruining our family and that they need to tone it down?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you?

[Hazel]

I'm 24. So I'm not that old in the grand scheme of things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, I'm only asking you because I'M going to say the oldest sounding thing in the whole world. And I'm sorry for saying it like this. It's some something that I wish someone had told me when I was 24. And I also know I wouldn't have listened when I was 24. There's literally nothing you can do to convince them of anything. And it's one of those heartbreaking things that we learn as we grow older, that people that we love do things that hurt us. And we have pictures of the way we want things to be. We want family dinners to be fun in a safe place and hilarious, and sometimes they're not. And we want our dads to love our husbands and we want our moms to love our why. And sometimes they don't. And we want our uncle to not drink. It just is. And so I guess the thing I can tell you is there's. I'm imagining you've already had tried to have a conversation.

[Hazel]

It's, it's kind of. It's come up a few times, but nobody in our family really feels comfortable having this discussion with them because they get so aggressive about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Then here's, here's the deal. They're opting out of relationship with you.

[Hazel]

And then they turn to us and they ask us why we never call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can you honestly say. Because I, I don't like talking about politics. And that's all you want to talk about? What do they say?

[Hazel]

They, they get offended. I know, but listen, come after. Like, they'll tell us that our beliefs are wrong and, and that, you know, we just don't understand yet. We don't have the experience. It just kind of, it seeps into every little thing that they talk about. And it's, it's like talking to a brick wall.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but you keep doing it.

[Hazel]

I actually, I cut them off a.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Few days ago, so I, I would flip the language around. Okay. Because I'm not a fan of cutting people off either. Outside of extreme abuse, I am a fan of letting people opt out when they want to opt out. Your parents are not interested in a relationship with you. They're interested in being right. And my experience, underneath all the political jargon, is people are terrified and they don't have a map for how to work through that fear. And so they grasp with both hands so tightly. And so I, I, it's less about you cutting them off, and it's more about them opting out of relationship with you. And I. That breaks my heart for you because it sounds like you still want to you still want your dad and you still want your mom. Is that fair?

[Hazel]

I really do, actually. I said that the other day when I was crying to my sister.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Hazel]

I didn't think I was going to get emotional this quickly. I'm sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, don't be sorry at all. It's heartbreaking. It's happening all over the country. And there's a strange. I say this with all due respect. I heard somebody recently kind of hint around this and it rang true with me. If I'm 55 or 65, it feels like I inhabit a world that I no longer have a grasp on. And when everyone's talking about machines and learning and AI and it just feels like everything's spooling underneath us. And when your whole life has been about control, it can feel unwieldy. And so that doesn't give them like a. Like a pass to be ugly or rude or mean or demeaning, but it's a context. But there's something powerful about sitting in that exhale. Like, my dad doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. He just wants to be right.

[Hazel]

Yeah. It's something that I keep. I keep almost convincing myself not to believe, you know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I know.

[Hazel]

Especially considering how, like, like I mentioned before, they'll come back and they'll talk to me because I was always the kid that they put the safe label on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, yeah. But Hazel, they've been doing this to y'all for your whole life.

[Co-host]

Before politics, what was it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Before politics?

[Hazel]

For politics? It was probably my dad's. My dad's emotional well being. I was like the service dog kid in the family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go.

[Hazel]

And he was the unmedicated veteran.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, what was before that?

[Hazel]

That was just it. That was my whole childhood.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, but before that, was there some sort of religious dogma? Was there some sort of military dogma? Was there some sort of this is.

[Co-host]

Who we are, is how we do things?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Was there some of that too?

[Hazel]

I don't know how much is relevant to the question, but there was a lot of, like, in my young, young years, there was a lot of us versus them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Hazel]

Between the other side of my family, because my dad, he's my stepdad, who's officially adopted me, so there's. There's a whole other group there, but I. I don't know how much of that's relevant.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, it's. It's relevant. It's relevant.

[Hazel]

I'm good to talk about it. I just. I just don't want to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no. I derail too much? No, it's not going to derail at all. It gives me kind of a GPS pen that I want to hand to you. Okay? Your pain is earned. Over a whole lifetime, for your whole life you've been put in the middle of immature, emotionally unregulated adults. And that's not a kid's job to prop up dad, to prop up mom, to prop up the other side of the family, to get in the middle of we love you more. No, we do. That's not your job. Your job is just to grow up and bang your head against boundaries and be silly and have fun and kiss, kiss like you get what I'm saying? And so your whole life you've been told you do X, Y and Z and that's your path to me instead of the old prodigal son picture in my head, which is the kid that leaves and dad sees him from far off after he squandered everything and he goes running after him. I don't care where you've been, I.

[Co-host]

Don'T care what you've done.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't care. I don't care anything. I, I, you're my kid.

[Co-host]

And so I don't want you to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Think you're crazy, that it hurts so bad. It should hurt real, real, real bad.

[Hazel]

It does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if your birth dad. Did your birth dad leave?

[Hazel]

He, he was always checked out. He never really initiates anything. To this day he hasn't called me or anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Hazel]

But he always makes commentary like, oh, one day you'll understand.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. And so can we just call this what this is? Dad number two is leaving also and blaming you for it. Dad one left. You know what? You'll, you'll get it one day. You're too stupid to get it right now. There's nothing too stupid about. Your dad is supposed to fight the gates of hell for his daughter and now you have another dad telling you, oh, you just Young kid, you don't understand. Let's be honest, there is tons of geopolitical stuff you don't understand. It's not coming through on your newsfeed either, right? That's not the point. Yeah, no, the point is, dad, who cares how you vote? Will you be my dad? And he said no, not unless you continue in your young adulthood to jump when I say jump and think what I say think and believe what I say believe. I'm so sorry.

[Hazel]

It's all right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on, hun. It's not. You've been saying it's all right.

[Co-host]

Your Whole life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This one's not. All right.

[Hazel]

I'm, I'm just used to saying that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. You've been saying that your whole life. When unregul. Unregulated adults act like children. Scream and yell and hit and punch and leave. And then they blame you.

[Hazel]

My dad does like to blame me. He doesn't realize he does it, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So can I ask you a hard, hard, hard question?

[Hazel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What are you gonna do next?

[Hazel]

I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're in school.

[Hazel]

I'm. I'm a trade school student, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. How much longer you got?

[Hazel]

Until March, actually. March or May, One of the two. I've got two more. We call them mods, which is like a period of 5 weeks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What are you studying?

[Hazel]

BCT. Building and construction trades. So it's like a general kind of overview that gives you a foot in the door to get in with a company that will teach you more specialized stuff.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very cool. Can I tell you that I'm proud of you?

[Hazel]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's pretty awesome. And one day you're going to be a part of building a building that my kids go inside of to learn something, to get well, because they've got doctors and medicine in there or a courtroom that's going to help my kids after an injustice has been done to them.

[Hazel]

That's the hope. Actually, I want to go and volunteer with Habitat for Humanity.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You will, but. You will, but don't. Don't deflect for a second. I just want to say I'm proud of you. And we always talk about changing your family tree, and we talk about legacy, and we talk about hope, but we don't do enough justice to those conversations. We don't talk about how much it hurts. Sometimes doing the next right thing is hard, and it hurts. Especially on those days you just want to pick up the phone and call your dad.

[Hazel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The only way back and forth on.

[Hazel]

Whether or not to apologize to my mom and call her back, I, I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would write him a letter. And that way, whenever they talk to you, there's some sense of superiority or power or insecurity that takes over their bodies. Okay. And so when you challenge a thought, you challenge a belief, or you say, hey, when y'all do this, it hurts. They instantly go to fight or flight, and they come back over the top of you. And y'all have been in that dynamic since you were a little bitty kid. So let's call that what it is. And that's a failed strategy. It doesn't work. So if we're going to try to connect. Let's try one more thing. And that is a letter. And here's the beauty of a letter. If you. If you write it with the intent to get you, I got you, it will burn everything to the ground. I would not recommend doing that. If you write a letter that says, hey, here's a path to your daughter, to my heart, to my mind, to my spirit, and I love you guys, and here's my boundaries, then they can read it, get all fired up, and then they can set it down.

[Co-host]

Can I believe she wrote down.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna. And then they can read it again. Then they can read it again. And if they read it two or three times, they read it and they're not so reactive. And they begin to hear the voice of their daughter saying, hey, hey, hey, hey. I don't care how y'all voted. Hey, hey, hey. I don't care about your conspiracy theories or your what. I want my dad, I want my mom. And that might be the shot you got. Is that fair?

[Hazel]

I'll give that a go. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And you can text your mom back and say, hey, mom, I'm writing a letter. I'm not doing a good job of talking and my thoughts and words get all jumbled up. So I'm going to write a letter and send it to you and know that I love you and dad, I love y'all. And when you hit, when you hit send on that letter or you put it in the mail. Handwritten letters are gangster, I think, but. And you put it in the mail and they may read it and throw it away. And that's just reality. You got to choose reality. Do what's. Do what's the next right thing? Hang on the line. I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a non Anxious Life. It's my number one best selling book that I wrote, but it's got a whole section there about grief just for this moment. Check out that book and I'll be. Be my gift to you for being a legacy changer, being a family tree changer. And just make sure the relationships that you have in your life that you're going to always go running towards loved ones, not putting up walls. I wish I had a better outlook on this call, but kind of political nonsense divide going on between families is just breaking my heart. It's happened all over the country. I hate it. I hate it. Moms and dads, this is what it sounds like when you're quote unquote right and your kids are Sitting there. Even your adult kids are sitting there all by themselves. We'll be right back.

[Co-host]

Let's talk about Delete Me. My go to provider for online safety, security and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the Internet these days. Our whole lives are on the Internet. And I wish this was not the case. But it doesn't matter if I wish.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It wasn't the case.

[Co-host]

It just is. Everything we do takes place on the Internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications. Because so much of our life exists on the Internet now, it should become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies. To give our phone numbers away to random companies. And those companies turn around and sell our information to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me. I looked at my reports from my friends at Delete Me. Listen, they reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers. 35,000 data brokers that had my personal information. And they've removed my personal information from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Deleteme has saved me countless hours, days even. And they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed when they remove them and from who. I want you to have this kind of piece too. Listen, we can't avoid our lives being on the Internet. But we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney that's Join Jo I n delete me.com DeLoney all right, we're back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't forget to like or subscribe. And subscribe. All the button pushy things that tells the Internet we love this show. Their five star reviews, all that stuff makes such a huge difference. I wish it didn't make a difference, but it for sure does. So thank you so much for everybody who just takes a second to hit the subscribe button. Let's go to Jacksonville, Florida and talk to Pahil.

[Co-host]

What's up Phil?

[Phil]

Hey Dr. John. My question is how can I ensure that I love and treat my step stepson equally after having a biological child?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh man. Are you having a bio kid?

[Phil]

Yes. Yeah, we're expect or due in early September as of now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very cool. Congratulations man. How long has the journey been?

[Phil]

I say about we started IVF really about almost two and a half years ago. So it's been. It's been a process.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So how many years before ivf?

[Phil]

None. I mean I met my wife about six years ago. We got married three years ago and then I guess about three years. About. Yeah, so I mean we've been trying for about three years, IVF for two years and is finally successful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Congratulations, man. Tell me about your adopted kit East 10.

[Phil]

He is great. I met him when he was four and I mean he's giving me, you know, really all I've wanted in life. Really be quite honest. It's a good dude. I mean, you know, he's a good kid. He's super care like, you know, caring, thoughtful, funny. I mean a 10 year old, but he's a good kid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I have a nine year old. She's the greatest joy of my life. Yeah, just chaos and fun and maniac. When you listen to this call, I want you to go back and just hear. It's very nuanced. But your discussion about IVF and the way your voice lit up when you start talking about this little boy, he must be pretty special, huh?

[Phil]

No, he. I can't even tell you. I mean he's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I can hear you smiling through the phone. Dude.

[Phil]

Yeah, he's a good dude. I love him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's amazing. What have you brought to his life?

[Phil]

I mean a dad, his biological father was in and out since birth and then probably the last, I think five and a half years really, he's been out of the picture completely. So I've been. It's been me with them, I mean, you know, and my wife as well, obviously. But I feel like, I mean, I've. I've been trying my best to be a father, you know, to be the dad that he deserves because, you know, I mean, needs a dad, you know, deserves one, especially him. So I mean, I've been trying, you know, to just do good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I salute you for that, brother?

[Caller]

I appreciate you.

[Phil]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, I mean, for real.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know you fell in love with his mama, but you didn't expect this one, did you?

[Phil]

No, not at all. I mean, like, you know, growing up, you know, you always want to get like I always wanted a family and I kind of resigned myself, you know, if it happens, happens and then it happens. But yeah, I mean, I'm just nervous now that we're having a little girl, which I'm super, super, super excited about. But I'm afraid that since she's my flesh and blood that I'm not going to treat him the same. And then trying to just navigate that whole set of Emotions and how to approach.

[Caller]

Yeah, everything, I guess.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I'm glad you're being conscientious, man. That's awesome. Yeah. I'll get into some of the nerd stuff, but I guess, for whatever it's worth, my wife and I tried for several years till we finally had our son, and then we tried for a number of years and had a lot of losses and whatnot in between. Before my daughter came along, I was always nervous about her coming because I could not wrap my head around loving something and someone as much as I love my son.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I spent a lot of that last pregnancy nervous. And the only way I can describe it, I describe it to a buddy like this once. It just felt like another chamber of my heart opened up that I didn't know was there. And so now it's a strange thing that everything in our life, we're told, is scarce. Right. It's finite. And love doesn't work that way. It just expands in such a wild way, man. I wish I could wrap my fingers around it and. And package it and sell it, because I'd be a trillionaire. It just does. It just does, man. It. It just opens up. So there is some data that goes both ways. And so whenever that happens, meaning there's no difference between adopted kids and. And bio kids. And then, yes, sometimes there's a little bit of an unbiased shift towards. Towards the nerd. They call it resource allocation. Right. Like you might say, like, well, no, my kid's gonna drive this car and. Or my kid's gonna put this much in their college fund kind of thing. But when I get conflicting studies like that, I tend. Right, wrong, or different. I tend to kind of just throw them out. And look at the. Look at the dad who's. Who's about to have his life double in blessing.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I would talk about a couple of things. One, you know this more than anybody listening. Love is a choice you make. And you've chosen to lean in and love this little boy like his own dad. You've become his dad. Did you adopt him formally?

[Phil]

Not yet. We're in the process. I mean, we actually got the paperwork last week, but we're in the process of doing it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Amazing. Amazing. I would begin ASAP referring to your wife's pregnancy as his baby. It's a little hack. I learned from one of my. My mental health professional, mental health professor professors in grad school. She said, just try this. It was magic in my house. It gave them ownership. So we got to avoid because you're gonna have a big age gap. It avoided the. Yeah, what about me and the new kid syndrome. Right. Like the superstar syndrome. And it became, oh, it's my kid. I get to. I get. I get to help your brother, your. Your sister, your kid and whatever. The kids are so desperate for ownership in places where they feel powerless. And so. Man, that'd be a great gift. I would have honest conversations with your wife about resources.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How much we're going to put in college funds, how much we're going to put for. Save for cars and just be aligned with your finances and then put some things on the calendar, probably as you already do. I'll continue to do my weekly breakfast with my son. I'm going to continue to coach his soccer team or whatever things that you do. Right. Those things aren't going to stop. And don't beat yourself up if you hold your daughter and your soul melts. You know what I mean?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And also, don't beat yourself up if you hold your daughter and you don't feel anything.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Phil]

I'm scared about that one, too. I mean, I've heard, you know, I mean, just. I mean, not postpartum depression, obviously, but I mean, like, just. I'm also nervous about, you know, having a baby and then being let down, I guess.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Because she won't. She won't give a crap about you. Not even. Not even the slightest bit. But you are building her nervous system in her brain every time you hold her, every time she feels peace and warmth every time her big brother holds her. And we're going to teach that boy about loving a sister and protecting a sister and the things that big brothers do for their sisters.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's going to continue to be a part of the laboratory that he's grown up in, in the world he's grown up in.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I. I want to honor your fear on this end. I want to tell you on the back end with some limited practices, and you just keep showing up and being you. A guy who loves almost recklessly. Man, you're going to be great. You're gonna be a great dad.

[Caller]

I appreciate it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I wish I'd done this. I would go to the store and buy a little journal and start writing your daughter to be notes. I would also get a journal and write your son notes and begin that practice.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So that when they're both 18, they're going to have years of nerdy little dadisms from Phil and love notes and I'm crazy about you notes and Maybe even some fears in there, but I think that'd be a pretty magical thing.

[Phil]

I like that idea, but I think.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You'Re on the path, brother.

[Caller]

Okay, I appreciate it. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Cool. Now, if you get into it, you screw it all up, call me back. Hopefully I'll still be employed here, but I think you're going to be good to go, man.

[Phil]

I appreciate it. Thank you for the, for the insight.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You got it, man. I know this isn't for everybody, but having a daughter is one of the greatest things that ever happened to me.

[Phil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think we, we were able to, you know, choose the, the gender with the embryo and whatnot, and we wanted, you know, just how to be whichever ones.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So crazy. It's like video games now, man.

[Phil]

It really is. Yeah. And then, and I mean, I tell my wife that, you know, I want a boy, I want a girl. But like, the downside, I mean, like, I always wanted to be a girl, dad, and I could have, I cried for way too long whenever we got the call that it was a. That was successful for one. And now we have a little girl.

[Caller]

I mean, I'm pumped, dude.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your kids are going to have a dad who knows how to call his emotions out, man. They won the, they won the lottery. That's amazing, dude.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. Love deeply and love recklessly. And I think the meta message for both your kids is no matter what, you can always come home.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I would also give your 10 year old some grace. I expect him to kind of be all over the place for a while, these things, you know what I mean? Like, as the new kid interrupts his little, his little safety nest and as he figures out he gets old enough to realize, you know, my other dad left and. But this guy's amazing. But you're not my dad. And all of that just chaos that comes with adopted teens. I don't know. They also know how to love in a way that is pretty profound and powerful. So you got on quite the ride, my brother. And again, I want to honor you. It's amazing that you did that. There's a lot of kids out there that need good dads. And your daughter, man, you can look at both of your kids and say, no, no, no, no, no. I chose you. Usually you can only do that with adoption, but with the video game world we have now, you get to choose your daughter too. It's amazing. My brother. It's been an honor talking to you, Phil. Blessings to you. Send us a note when she's born. Healthy. And we'll all shout you out here on the show. Take care. We'll be right back. All right, good folks.

[Co-host]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

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[Co-host]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, we are back. We have an Am I the problem? Not the original am I the problem? Because Kelly's not here, so Taylor's filling in and her dad watches the show. So we'll. We'll save that the. The good one for the next time. All right? So what's. Which one you got, Taylor?

[Taylor]

It's still a good Am I the problem still.

[Co-host]

It's still good.

[Taylor]

All right, well, this one is. My husband and I have been married for 14 years. His family never includes me in any announcements, engagements, pregnancies, births, etc, they only tell my husband. He asked them to include me. And I've expressed desires for that to happen, but they still don't. Not only that, when I tell them our big news, pregnancy after multiple miscarriages, they don't respond. When we're together in person, things are fine. But we all live in different states and rarely see each other. I constantly feel like an outsider, only catching bits of everyone's lives through my husband, who isn't the best communicator. Am I the problem for wanting to belong?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, not at all. And your family's the worst. And so where I'd say it's your problem is you continue showing up to the tiger cage and putting your hand through the fence and getting bit and getting mad at the tiger. A tiger is going to be. The tiger is. And so, no, you're not the problem for wanting to be included. And you've done an amazing job of being upfront about it. So, like, your husband's even said, hey, this is ridiculous. This is my wife. Send her on the text chain, too. And his family is immature toddlers, and they're like, we don't like her. We only talk to him, whatever they're doing. And so, yeah, no, it's not your. It's not your problem at all. It's not by your hand, but it's in your lap. Your choice is, I'm gonna stop expecting a tiger to not have stripes. I am gonna just to not bite me when I put my hand to the fence, I'm quit putting my hand to the fence. And that means I'm not going to try to live my life through their life if they don't want me in it. I'm gonna. Message received. I'm gonna go make a life elsewhere. And by the way, your husband's going to need to be on board with that because his family has made it very clear they don't want you in their life. And as for me, in my house, if my family did that, my family has made it very clear that if me and my wife ever separated, they are team her all the way. All the way. Yeah. I'd be going to live at Bins, and Ben's in his gaming room or whatever. I don't know. It's going to be a great time, man. We would party, but you're going to have to teach me how the dwarfs of Gondor fight the elves of whatever dragon thing. I'll teach you. Oh, man. But, yeah, I mean. I mean, a cow can't be a horse, right?

[Co-host]

It just can't be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so that's what we got going on here. She wants her family to be something that's not. And for what, 15 years? She say 14 years. Yeah. It's not going to happen. And so I'm going to go find family somewhere else, which is heartbreaking to say out loud, but it is what it is. What it is. That sound right?

[Taylor]

Definitely. They kind of suck. They should respond.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And they don't hey.

[Co-host]

That'S kind of the theme of this show.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm going to start a new thing right now. May only be one time. It's called the Wrap Up.

[Co-host]

Parents, stop being so immature with your adult kids. My God, who cares how they vote? Who cares what books they read? Who care?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Include them in things.

[Co-host]

Call your kids and say, I'm sorry for letting all this nonsense get in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The way of loving you and the person you choose to love as well. Stop.

[Co-host]

I'm watching families everywhere melt. And just right in front of me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because of this kind of petty ego nonsense. Stop. We need each other now more than ever. I love you guys. Bye.