Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show Episode: Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce
Release Date: May 16, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of The Dr. John Delony Show, host Dr. John DeLoney engages with callers facing significant relationship and personal challenges. The primary focus revolves around navigating life post-divorce, overcoming personal struggles, and maintaining healthy relationships amidst adversity.

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Caller 1: Lee from Oklahoma City – Navigating Dating After Divorce

Timestamp: [00:05] – [07:57]

Overview: Lee reaches out to discuss the appropriate timing for entering the dating scene following a divorce. He shares his personal journey, including his endearing challenges like a pornography addiction and financial disagreements that led to his divorce after 14 years of marriage.

Key Points & Discussions:

• Divorce Dynamics:
  Lee explains, “[...] my wife decided she wanted a divorce, and there was some stuff on my end, some pornography addiction and some other things” (00:05). Dr. DeLoney delves into the complexities of divorces that are emotionally taxing even before legal proceedings conclude.

• Financial Tensions:
  Lee mentions, “I was, I hesitate to say financially abusive, but I, I, when, whenever we would get a tax refund, [...] she spent the tax refunds before I had a chance to have any input” (02:00). This highlights the strain caused by financial mismanagement and lack of communication.

• Living Arrangements:
  The couple has been living separately for an extended period, sharing limited interactions due to responsibilities towards their five children.

• Emotional Impact:
  Dr. DeLoney empathizes, “My gut tells me you're still walking around the house after the tornado...” (06:53), comparing Lee's emotional state to living amidst destruction, underscoring the lingering trauma post-divorce.

Insights & Conclusions:

Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and personal healing before embarking on new relationships. He advises Lee to focus on rebuilding his self-esteem and forming meaningful connections with friends to avoid repeating past mistakes in future relationships.

Notable Quote:

"Your demons are going to haunt you wherever you go." – Dr. John DeLoney (12:11)

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Caller 2: Tyler from Chattanooga, Tennessee – Overcoming Alcohol and Isolation

Timestamp: [19:47] – [36:31]

Overview: Tyler, a Marine Corps veteran, seeks guidance on overcoming alcoholism and the pervasive sense of isolation. He discusses his battle with addiction, exacerbated by his divorce during the COVID-19 pandemic, and his struggle to reconnect with himself and his community.

Key Points & Discussions:

• Military Influence:
  Tyler shares, “The Marine Corps gave me a great tool, which was swallow it. Swallow it and fight on...” (24:01), highlighting the ingrained habit of suppressing emotions developed during his service.

• Personal Trauma:
  He opens up about his sister's meth addiction and his father's absence, stating, “my sister was a meth addict growing up... my dad was gone” (24:39), illustrating the deep-seated trauma influencing his current struggles.

• Current Battle with Alcohol:
  Tyler admits, “Alcohol is just an everyday occurrence. It's an end of the day kind of thing” (20:04), revealing his reliance on alcohol as a coping mechanism.

• Emotional Exhaustion:
  Dr. DeLoney notes, “You sound like you're tired... exhausted from being in your own skin” (22:14), acknowledging Tyler's profound sense of fatigue and internal conflict.

• Path to Recovery:
  Dr. DeLoney encourages building a support system, stating, “get with other people. You cannot do this by yourself” (26:00), emphasizing the necessity of community and accountability in overcoming addiction.

Insights & Conclusions:

The conversation underscores the importance of addressing underlying emotional wounds and seeking professional help. Dr. DeLoney advocates for Tyler to establish a robust support network and engage in activities that promote self-worth and healing.

Notable Quote:

"I am declaring a ceasefire inside my own chest... We're making peace with Tyler." – Dr. John DeLoney (32:35)

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Caller 3: Elizabeth – Struggling with Returning to Work as a New Mother

Timestamp: [39:40] – [58:57]

Overview: Elizabeth discusses her internal conflict about returning to work two months postpartum. While she desires to be a stay-at-home mom and a supportive wife, financial responsibilities and her husband's career choices complicate her aspirations.

Key Points & Discussions:

• Financial Pressures:
  Elizabeth explains, “He makes $180,000 a year” (40:28), using this to justify the necessity of her continuing to work despite her personal desire to stay home.

• Marital Dynamics:
  Dr. DeLoney probes, “Either that statement isn't true... or he's a pretty selfish guy” (43:11), challenging Elizabeth to evaluate her husband's support and their mutual understanding.

• Desire for Change:
  Elizabeth conveys, “I went back about two months ago” and “I hate breathing in my own skin” (40:09; 50:32), expressing her profound dissatisfaction and yearning for a more fulfilling family life.

• Planning and Communication:
  Dr. DeLoney advises, “put on paper a four-month plan... what must be true” (50:31), suggesting structured planning and open communication to align their family goals.

• Addressing Resentment:
  The conversation focuses on preventing future resentment by fostering unity and shared goals, emphasizing the importance of both partners being on the same page.

Insights & Conclusions:

The dialogue highlights the critical balance between personal fulfillment and financial stability in marriage. Dr. DeLoney urges Elizabeth and her husband to collaboratively develop a pragmatic plan that accommodates both their financial needs and Elizabeth's desire to nurture her family.

Notable Quote:

"The peace you're chasing is found in both people with both feet in the boat." – Dr. John DeLoney (49:11)

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Closing Thoughts

Dr. DeLoney wraps up the episode by reinforcing the importance of communication, self-forgiveness, and building supportive communities. He reiterates the value of addressing personal demons before seeking new relationships and encourages listeners to take actionable steps towards healing and personal growth.

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Final Takeaways

1. Self-Reflection is Crucial:
   Before embarking on new relationships or making significant life changes, it's essential to address and heal from past traumas and mistakes.

2. Build a Support System:
   Engaging with friends, family, and support groups can provide the necessary accountability and encouragement needed for personal growth and overcoming challenges.

3. Open Communication in Relationships:
   Couples must transparently communicate their needs, desires, and fears to navigate financial and emotional challenges effectively.

4. Seek Professional Help When Needed:
   Whether it's dealing with addiction, emotional exhaustion, or marital issues, professional guidance can be pivotal in finding solutions and achieving peace.

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Notable Quotes:

• “Your demons are going to haunt you wherever you go.” – Dr. John DeLoney (12:11)

• “I am declaring a ceasefire inside my own chest... We're making peace with Tyler.” – Dr. John DeLoney (32:35)

• “The peace you're chasing is found in both people with both feet in the boat.” – Dr. John DeLoney (49:11)

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Conclusion

This episode of The Dr. John DeLony Show offers profound insights into the complexities of post-divorce life, addiction recovery, and balancing personal aspirations with marital responsibilities. Through empathetic dialogue and practical advice, Dr. DeLoney empowers listeners to confront their challenges head-on and take meaningful steps toward a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Transcript

[Lee]

How soon is too soon to start dating after a divorce? My wife decided she wanted a divorce, and there was some stuff on my end, some pornography addiction and some other things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Often people are divorced for years before the paperwork is final. When she just called and said, hey, I'm not coming home, you didn't really see that coming. What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. Show. I'm so glad that you're with us, talking about your relationships, your marriage, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life, real people going through real challenges from all over the planet. Give me a, a call 1-844-693-3291 or go to john deloney.com ask a s k. Love to have you on the show. Let's go out to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, and talk to Lee. What's up, Lee?

[Lee]

Hey, Dr. DeLoney, I'm just wondering how is, how soon is too soon to start dating after a divorce?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, good question. Tell me about your world, man.

[Lee]

Well, about, oh, about a year and a half ago, my wife went to live with her folks to take care of her mom. And then about half a year ago, she decided she wanted a divorce. And, and there was some stuff on my end, some, some pornography addiction and some other things that I, I worked on and tried to save the marriage and but in the end, she went ahead with a divorce. And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What were the other things on your end?

[Lee]

I was, I, I hesitate to say financially abusive, but I, when, whenever we would get a tax refund, like, though, I, the first year that we were married, she, she first two years we were married, she spent the tax refunds before I had a chance to have any input. And then ever since then, I, I would spend them without taking any input from her and I would justify that because, oh, well, she spent, you know, she spent that one, that, those two tax refunds. So now these other 12 I've spent.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How did you share finances?

[Lee]

We, we did full, you know, just all in on keeping, keeping everything together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Where, where else did you say, this is mine and this is yours? You did that with your fantasy life and you did that with tax refund checks. Where else did you do that?

[Lee]

I would say that, yeah, it was kind of the, the house was not so much me, but on her end, she, the, the house was always hers and I didn't really get much of a say in what was, you know, like, hey, I need a trash can here, can, can I have that? No, I don't want that Trash can there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Lee]

What about like that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When she moved to go take care of her parents, how often did you see each other? How often did y' all talk?

[Lee]

We talked every day, but we. We'd see each other maybe twice a month.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Were those just conjugal visits or were they high fives? Then you just go back home.

[Lee]

So sometimes conical tried to, you know. Tried to. When? When we were able to, we had five kids, so that wasn't always able to do that even. But when we were able to, I, you know, I try to make it a date and, you know, spend some time together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where are your kids?

[Lee]

They. They live with her now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are they?

[Lee]

They are 11, 10, 9, 7, and 6.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Golly. How far away are you?

[Lee]

I'm on the other side of town.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, but you're in the same community.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And. And all these questions I'm asking, they're serving a purpose. And here's. Here's where I'm headed with them. Often people are divorced for years before the paperwork is finally. And so there's not a good standard stamp answer to how long after a divorce is finalized is it. Is it smart or safe to start dating? Because it. It's so context dependent and the way you're painting it. And you and I could probably talk over a couple of drinks here in Oklahoma City for a couple hours. Like, it sounds like y' all have been roommates for a long time. And when you add. When your roommates. This is mine. This is yours. You did this. Oh, well, I'm gonna do this. And there's scorekeeping, and there's. I did the dishes on Friday, and you owe me 428 for the Arby's meal that one time, like, right when there's that kind of. Like my buddy George Campbell said, it's like when couples start venmoing each other. Right? Y' all are roommates. Because that's what me and my roommates did in college. And so when you're there and then somebody takes off and you throw five kids into the mix under 11, right. You can't survive that if you are not completely unified in a singular purpose. On. We're building something together. So my suggestion would be, or my just in two seconds of hearing you talk is you've been living a separate life for a long time. You all come together to make kids. And at the same time, it sounds like. And tell me if I'm bonkers when she just called and said, hey, I'm not coming home on a Divorce. You didn't really see that coming. Okay, so how long ago? Six months ago, about right now. When she said, I'm filing?

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long were you married, man?

[Lee]

14 years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My gut tells me you're still walking around the house after the tornado, just sitting in the damage of a house that's been completely blown over and you're trying to see like, I can save this pot holder. This guitar still was in a case. It's okay. Here's a few photo out. But like you're still walking around a completely wiped out house. Is that fair?

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And something else that you said that raises an eyebrow for me is when she made this announcement, you went into try to save it mode, which means six months later, you may be sitting at your house right now on the phone with me, really beating yourself up for quote unquote, what you did to blow up this house or that somehow this is all your fault. You don't get to see your kids every night because this is all your fault.

[Lee]

Yeah. Yeah, that's definitely where I'm at.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I just tell you, man, I, I, I wouldn't wish where you are on my worst enemy in the world. I'm sorry, dude.

[Lee]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know that doesn't bring her back. It doesn't bring her kids bouncing through the house back. And you never thought you would miss all the noise in the house, right? And now that house gets death. Or your apartment or wherever you're living gets really, really quiet at night, doesn't it?

[Lee]

Yeah, it really does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm sorry, man. So tell me about what you're thinking with dating.

[Lee]

Well, I'm definitely looking not to make the same mistakes that I did in my, in my marriage. And I'm just, you know, I'm looking for a companion, a wife, somebody that I can walk with the Lord with.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My fear for you, brother, is you're doing probably what I would do, which is the very overly masculine one tool in the toolkit response, which is this. You're going to go fix this. You're gonna fix you, you're gonna fix a future marriage. You just need. It's kind of like you're at the YMCA and somebody, a team just came in and wiped your team out, just crushed y' all. And you immediately you're like, I'm not going home like this. Let's run it back with another team. I gotta get back out on the court right now. And if you do that before you sit down with your team and say, hey, why do we get beat so bad? And we got to work on our shots and we got to work on passing. We got to learn a few plays. You're just going to. The tendency is, I want to fix this right now. I want to stop hurting so bad. And you quickly tell yourself a story. Oh, what will make me not hurt is a companion, a wife, a chance to run this thing back. Because now I've got my pornography problem licked. Now I'm never going to say, this is mine and that's yours. I'm not going to do that again. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. And most of the time, I see that happen. I see people run right back into the exact same brick wall they just. They just got a concussion from. Does that sound right or do I sound crazy? It sounds like you're really staggeringly and completely under. I completely understand it. It sounds like you are staggeringly lonely.

[Lee]

Yeah, I'm definitely lonely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Here's what I would. I hate on two ends. I hate for you just the thought of you, just a good guy just sitting at home. I hate the thought of you just being at home in a quiet house by yourself in every evening. And I hate when your kids, you get to see your kids, you suddenly have to perform. You don't get to just be with them with your shoulders dropped. It has to be a show now. I hate that for you, and I hate that for them. And on the other side, I would hate to see you two years down the road dating and dating and dating and trying and trying to fill that void with another person. Another person, another person. And. But the same demons are still haunting you. And so the demons I'm concerned about are beneath the pornography, beneath the what must be true for me to feel alive in my own skin, in my own house, in a house with five rambunctious bananas kids, with a wife who doesn't look the same, who's tired, who's exhausted. But we're all on the same team, that we don't keep score together, that you're able to hear feedback and criticism and go forward and. Right. You don't. Those same demons are going to haunt you wherever you go.

[Tyler]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So all I have to say is my dream for you would be that like. And I learned this from the Dr. Young who trained me. I would love for you to say, I'm not going to jump into anything for six months to a year after. After the smoke clears. And I don't think the smoke is cleared yet. What I Would love you to do, though, is get a group of guys that y' all commit to going fishing every Saturday, or you'll never hear me recommend this again. But go play golf. Go play pickleball. Go. I don't know what you're into. Go bowling. Go do silly stuff. But start. Fill the void with real relationships with men, with guys that you can finally practice being yourself. You've never been allowed to fully be yourself, and fully being yourself wasn't always great. Right. So you have to have guys that call you out. An exhausted mom of four who's pregnant with number five just may not have the energy to fight you, and she finds out you just spent the $2,000 on a TV or a golf club or whatever you spend the tax return on a. A buddy for sure will. Right?

[Lee]

I do have a group that I get together with on Tuesdays to go shooting.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. That's fantastic. After y' all go shooting, I want to challenge you for the next 60 days, the next two months, to have the courage to say, hey, we're watching whatever fights, whatever game, whatever. Whatever's going on at my house or at the local Wild Wings or whatever, I'm getting the first round or I'm buying the first round of Wings. I'd love to invite y' all to come. And several guys can be like, no, I got family. I got this. But a couple will show up. I would challenge you to do that and begin exhaling and learning that you're not the worst person who's ever lived. And it took two people to tango in the marriage you had. And you've got to learn to forgive yourself, and you've got to learn to exhale in. In short, the. The Twitter statement here is become a guy through action that you deeply respect. And then that gives a new romantic partner something to anchor into when you meet. Otherwise, you're using somebody else to feel better, and that makes you a parasite. That makes you like. Like a vampire. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Lee]

Yeah, that makes. Makes good sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is there anything about you. This is just you being vulnerable. Anything about you that you don't respect? I've got several things with me. What about you?

[Lee]

Yeah, definitely. There's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Rattle them off. Say. Say a couple out loud.

[Lee]

Early in my marriage to my wife, I. I had forced myself on her at one point.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Lee]

And it's. I have trouble respecting myself for. For. From.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That still haunts you?

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you sought forgiveness and to make that right with her?

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So I'm going to tell you with that lingering fear of yourself, that lingering, you can't trust yourself. 15 years later, 14 years later, that's a place where I want you to spend some time working on it. Because every time you feel like something's going well, that little demon's going to pop up and say, yeah, but one time years ago, you did this.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My dream for you, brother, is you find forgiveness for yourself, peace for yourself through a community of men who hold you accountable. You'll have fun with, you'll laugh with, you'll learn things with, you'll do silly things with. And from there, you become a man that you respect, which then in turn, you're not expecting somebody else to fill that gap for you. You're able to show up for somebody whole and then they can anchor in. And now y' all are off to the races. Grateful for the call, man. Thanks for trusting me. Just to throw some things out there for you to chew on. Hey, coming up, we are talking to a veteran who is struggling with alcoholism. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about red light therapy. I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long, long time. And that's why I'm super excited to tell you about Bon Charge. Listen. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights, little screens, medium sized screens and big screens. And all of this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bon Charge. Bon Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and additionally in EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge's red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and even help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat. I use all of these things all the time. And listen up, if your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production and improved blood flow. I've got the mask and I'm looking handsome. Just wear it 10 minutes to a few times a week for fresher skin. And and it's super easy. No creams or appointments. It's lightweight and it's Cordless. Go to bondcharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. That's B O N C H A G dot com DeLoney and use coupon Code DeLoney to save 15%. Go check them out. All right, it's time for a quick Word about Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading a whole bunch of creepy people back to us? And now scammers are using phishing attacks. That's phishing with a ph, where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you. Have you ever got an email or a text or a phone call? And the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's really looking out for you. With the new technological advancements, really, no one is safe anymore. So what are we supposed to do? Start controlling what you can. First, you learn about how to be careful online and offline with your digital footprint and sign up with Delete Me. I use and recommend Deleteme because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data and then selling it to other people that I don't even know about. Deleteme has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me, and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks, the harassment, and the other online threats before they even start. And take control of your digital privacy. With Delete me, go to joindeleteme.com deloney for 20% off their annual plan that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to join Jo I N joinedelete me.com/deloney. All right, let's go out to Chattanooga, Tennessee and talk to Tyler. Hey, Tyler, what's up?

[Tyler]

Hey, how's it going, John?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up, my brother? I'm doing great, man. How are you?

[Tyler]

I'm. I'm hanging in. I'm super excited to be talking to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Hey, can I just say, I don't even know what you're hanging on to, but I'm proud of you for hanging in there. Whatever's going on.

[Tyler]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good on you, man. What's up?

[Tyler]

Thanks. So my question is, how do I overcome alcohol and isolation? I served in the Marines for four years and picked up heavy drinking there. I quit for almost three years after I got out of the military. But I got divorced during COVID and went through kind of like a year and a half spree of making some really bad choices. Then in June of 2022, God kind of gave me a wake up call and I turned a lot of really bad behaviors around. I've learned a lot and. But alcohol is just. It's an everyday occurrence. It's an end of the day kind of thing. I get home and I just. Whether I'm lonely or I. I'm kind of at a breaking point with this thing that has just followed. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How often do you say this out loud? This story you just told me?

[Tyler]

A lot. To myself, to other people. I try to be transparent. People are usually surprised when I tell them I have a drinking problem.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Tyler]

But the last time I lied about it, it just ended up being really bad. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't think you have a drinking problem, to be honest with you and feel. Bro, feel free to challenge me. Okay.

[Tyler]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think alcohol is playing an important role in your life. I think you have an I don't love Tyler problem and a. I've created a life that I don't want to live in anymore. And alcohol plays a pretty important role in keeping you from doing something pretty stupid.

[Tyler]

Yeah, I can see that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You sound tired, man.

[Tyler]

I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm not talking about tired from sleep. I went to a concert last night. I'm tired. You sound like you're tired of. You're exhausted from being in your own skin.

[Tyler]

Yeah. Mostly just tired of fighting.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go.

[Tyler]

It's an everyday thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. How long have you been fighting, dude? Not just alcohol, but how long have you been fighting Tyler?

[Tyler]

My whole life, I think. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When did you realize Tyler's life was something you needed to escape from?

[Tyler]

Probably as a kid, home life wasn't the best. I have a great family for the most part, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you just said two important things. And the Marines I've sat with over the years. Not that great. And for the most part are usually fantastic cover ups for some pretty gnarly stuff.

[Tyler]

Yeah. I've had to swallow a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Tyler]

And I guess two years ago, I got to a point where I said, I'm not swallowing anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yep.

[Tyler]

And I'm becoming more sensitive. And the more I'm starting to, like, reconnect with myself, the more I'm closing up to the world.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that. So.

[Tyler]

The Marine Corps gave me a great tool, which was swallow it. Swallow it and fight on. Deal with it later. And I discovered your show. And I've been on this walk of becoming stronger. Walking with God. And as I'm opening up these old boxes, it's just really hard to sit in it. When I was a kid sister. Oh, go ahead.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, I'm sorry, I interrupted you. Go ahead.

[Tyler]

I was just saying my sister was a meth addict growing up. In the home, and she had a kid. And my brother deployed in 2005 to Iraq. All those things kind of happening all at the same time. My dad was gone, and I've always been called, like, I'm the youngest. I've always been called, like, the anchor of my family or the peacemaker or. And now that I'm alone out here in Tennessee, it's just been, like, trying to figure out who I am or who I want to be. Sorry, I don't mean to throw so much at you at once, bro.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is. This is. You're. You're. I feel like you are truly honoring me, so don't ever apologize, Okay? I made a choice to sit down and talk with you, and it's an honor. Okay.

[Tyler]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's the. Here's the one gap I see in your entire story. Okay. And this is just me promising you I'm gonna tell you the truth. I can't. My buddies who are seals can't. You can't. You cannot hold all of this by yourself, period.

[Tyler]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the gap between this work you're doing, which, dude, is freaking noble. I'm proud of you. It's awesome. But the gap between this work and you exhaling and finally setting all these cinder blocks you're carrying around down is you have to get with other people. You cannot do this by yourself. It's the same thing as you would not get in a truck as a gunner and just head out past the wire by yourself. You wouldn't do. Nobody would do that. It's insane.

[Tyler]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yet so many. You guys come home and you go in your apartment and you. You know. You know better than I will ever know what brotherhood is, what friendship is, because you got a line of people who are ready to get deployed and die on your behalf, and you for them.

[Tyler]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you come up to an apartment, and Janet next to you is like. You left your trash can lit up. Right. So you. I mean, you know that disconnect and you all. You have a second layer somehow. You've convinced yourself that there's shame in being trained and not going. And so you don't feel like you're fully in that gang, but you're not fully in the civilian gang. And by the way, you've been holding up your whole family forever. And you just kind of blew over. My dad left. You know? You get what I'm saying?

[Tyler]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you got a six year old who's now. How old are you now?

[Tyler]

I'm 29.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. You got a six year old wondering why I don't fit in with the military guys with the stories and why I don't fit in with my civilian friends and why I don't fit in in this town where I don't have any friends. And then, by the way, dad, what was so bad about me that you left? Yeah, of course you're drinking, bro. Alcohol works. And this is going to sound crazy. I'm going to applaud you for finding something that works in the meantime and your strategy is going to kill you. You know that, right?

[Tyler]

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So instead of continually fighting what's essentially become a crutch for you until you go sit with a trauma counselor and walk through and let that little six year old boy stop wondering what was so bad about him. Because by the way, nothing and that peacemaker skill set you have can stop working for everybody else, making sure they're at peace and you can start working on inside. I can. I'm worth having peace.

[Tyler]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then you deal with the alcohol because you've got a new support system to help you walk. What scares you about talking to people in real life?

[Tyler]

They'll know too much of me. Like I, I leave a pretty good first impression. I'm a good worker. I'm a hard worker.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ah, you're a, you're a, you're a Broadway performer.

[Tyler]

Yeah, yeah, I'm a pretty good performer. But yeah, letting people see all of me. I'm a little bit scared of what's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So bad about you that if somebody sees it that they're going to be disgusted or walk away or not want to be around you.

[Tyler]

I just, just really ashamed of my past, I think. Just like I don't measure up the hype. I. Now that you ask, it's kind of like there is no real. Like I shouldn't be this disgusted with myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's throw the shoulds out. And I just want to suggest that disgust has probably played a role in keeping you safe too.

[Tyler]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you can make the switch from I should have and I have to and I've got to and I need to. If you could make the shift to I get to because I'm worth it, that's peace. I get to tell the truth because I'm worth not hiding from. I'm a pretty good guy.

[Tyler]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I grew up in a hellscape and I've told everyone my whole life that I was good. Except for a few things. Growing up in the house with somebody who struggles with meth and also her kid and your Brother going off to get a bunch of medals and pins and your dad disappearing and your mom living in that chaos and you being the, her emotional support animal. Bro, no kid can carry that. You're almost 30 and you're still carrying it.

[Tyler]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think I want you to, yes, I want you to cut back on drink and I want you to sit with somebody and begin to work through that. But I want your position to not be. I need to stop drinking. Because what you'll do is if you don't deal with that six year old kid inside your chest, you're just going to move to another thing. And it might be work or it might be rage or it might be success, it might be some, it's just going be another drug.

[Tyler]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Instead, I want your position to be. I, I am declaring a ceasefire inside my own chest. My 9 year old self wanted to go to war. My 30 year old self is glad I'm still here in all one piece. My 21 year old self wanted to get in the action too. And bro, I totally get that. And maybe I'm going to go back to grad school and become a counselor and sit with those that did because I can speak their language. Just the, the, the landscape is wide open. I just need you to, if, if you, for the listeners, we often change the state and the town just in case. I'm going to put this out there and you can let me know who's on the phones right now when we get off the call. If you're in my area here, I want to get your contact info and I'll go have coffee with you.

[Tyler]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Zephyr.

[Tyler]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do me a favor, make a fist and whatever, whatever hand you would punch somebody in the, in the mouth with, make a fist with that hand. If you're left handed or right handed.

[Tyler]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And put it right square in the middle of your chest and exhale as deep as you can and pull your shoulders all the way down and say these words to me and the millions of people that will see this clip. I love this guy.

[Tyler]

I love this guy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm done fighting him.

[Tyler]

And I'm done fighting him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And today is day one.

[Tyler]

Today is day one.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Amen.

[Tyler]

Amen.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you get off this phone call, I want you to pull up Google and I want you to commit to going to a meeting tonight, okay?

[Tyler]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And no more hiding. You have nothing to hide about. Have you done stupid stuff? Yes, we all have. Have you done some big stupid stuff? People don't Know about? Probably, yeah. You've been working really hard on making yourself a great dad, a good man. You're doing the next right thing. You called me. Next right thing, you're going to sign up for a counselor. Next right thing, you're going to go talk to like go to start going to meetings. Next right thing, are you back in the gym?

[Tyler]

Yeah. That's the only thing that I do right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not true. That's not true. You take your little boy for ice cream.

[Tyler]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's something you do, right. You tell him you love him every time you see him.

[Tyler]

Every time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's something you do right? Do you wrestle with him?

[Tyler]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's something you do right? Do you honor his mom, even if she's makes it really tough on you?

[Tyler]

I treat her with the utmost respect. He's the mother of my child.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're doing a whole bunch right, brother. So that not true statement, that dishonest statement, you're not gonna say that anymore. You're doing a lot of things right.

[Tyler]

Understood.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Fair.

[Tyler]

Very fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It has been a high honor to talk to you today, brother. I don't get to talk to a lot of men I gotta. I talk to a lot of men who are doing good stuff and I talk to a lot of men who are feel frozen and stuck. I don't get to talk to a lot of men who are frozen and yet are scratching and clawing from the inside of that ice cube to get out. And that's what you're doing. And I've got the utmost respect for you, man.

[Tyler]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Day one.

[Tyler]

Day one.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you drink on day seven, okay, shoot me a direct message on Instagram and just say day one and I'll applaud you again because we're back on the horse. But we're not going to war with Tyler anymore. We're making peace with Tyler. Cease fire. It's over. We're friends now. Now we're gonna do the next right thing together. And that cannot be done alone. Has to be done to other people. Period. Point blank. End of story.

[Tyler]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you come down and visit me, I'll have coffee with you. If you bring a couple of guys, I'll take you out for lunch and buy your lunch. How about that?

[Tyler]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Game on.

[Tyler]

Sounds amazing. Game on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[Lee]

Hi.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hi, Honor. I'm going to send you Building a non Anxious Life as just a gift. It's a. It's a road map for you, man. And the secret to that book is it's not Just about anxiety. It's about being uncomfortable in your own skin. It's not going to be a tool to help you stop drinking, but it will help you build a life that will make alcohol less and less relevant. Okay. And if you're like any of my other buddies who are veterans, I'm gonna also send you my. The network I work for is a Ramsey network. Their flagship product is Financial Peace. I'm gonna send you that, too. And you can start getting control of your money, because I know that haunts you, too. Fair.

[Tyler]

Very fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Tyler]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And I'm gonna give you all nine lessons. They're digital lessons. You can just watch them by yourself. Or if you want to be a gangster, have your six year old sit down by you and watch them together. And y' all can talk about them over ice cream. And you, you can say, this cycle stops with me.

[Tyler]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Cool. Game on.

[Tyler]

Game on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. I love you. Good man. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I am proud of you, dude, if everybody's listening, this right here, what you just heard from brother Tyler here, this is what bravery and courage looks in real time, in the real world. Having the grit and determination, I will make the next right step. God, it's what an honor to talk to you, ma' am. When we come back, I'm going to talk to a new mom who is mourning the idea of being a stay at home mom and struggling with the idea of going back to work. This applies to millions of you because I get your questions. Stay tuned. All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, and about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point. So if you're committed to consistent practice of gratitude, prayer, or reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. The small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's a guided meditation, there are tons of music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life feels like it's falling apart. So set reminders, carve out time and Keep leaving space for God with Hallow. Plus, when you sign [e-mail] Deloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on lint, it's still a great time to start. Go to Hallow H A L l o w hallow.com DeLoney for three months for free. What up, Elizabeth?

[Elizabeth]

Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for having me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course, love. How are you?

[Elizabeth]

Good, how are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I am running a scam called a podcast. What's up?

[Elizabeth]

So I'm currently struggling being back at work when my desire is to just be a stay at home mom and the best wife that I can be. So I'm just kind of wondering how to navigate this next season of life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why'd you go back to work?

[Elizabeth]

I went back about two months ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How come?

[Elizabeth]

I'm basically the one who has the health insurance, dental, all those benefits.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's your. Are you married?

[Elizabeth]

I am, yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's your partner do?

[Elizabeth]

He is a sales rep for. He does rust proofing on vehicles and helps the sales guys sell their product.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, what's he make a year?

[Elizabeth]

Last year he made about 180.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so y' all can afford health insurance if you wanted it, right?

[Elizabeth]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so answer me the question. Why. Why are you back at work?

[Elizabeth]

Basically, to help provide for the lifestyle we enjoy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. So the heart, the. It feels so cruel and soulless. Right. When I ask it like this, what do you want more? The Tahoe and the jet Skis or do you want to be holding your babies?

[Elizabeth]

Holding my baby.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is he not on board with this plan?

[Elizabeth]

He sees it more when there's more than one kid in the picture.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I feel like you're holding back a little bit.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, I think he says it, but I don't know that he is on board. He grew up pretty comfortable.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He makes $180,000 a year. Y' all are going to make it.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. Yeah. I think it's getting him on board. And that's the part of me that I don't ever want to resent him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're really close already.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. And he's the best husband and dad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So are you not telling? Well, there's two things or one big thing. Either that statement isn't true. It's something you just keep repeating to yourself. Because if he makes. If he made 35, 000 bucks and he was in grad school and he was driving Uber in the morning and you had to go back to work because y' all have to eat because Apartment rent is insane, and house rent is insane. And buying a house, God help anybody trying to do that. Right. If that was the case, I would exhale with you and say, y' all are in a rough season and I hate it for you. And I would say he's an amazing dad and husband trying to grind it out and make it work. He makes $180,000, by the way, in a field where he is hustling and scratching and clawing, right?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's not sitting at a desk just getting a salary. He's busting it out there, which tells me he's a hard worker and he'll go get stuff done when he needs to, right?

[Elizabeth]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so either he's the best husband and father and you haven't been fully honest with him about how much your job is killing you, or he's not the best husband and father. He's a pretty selfish guy who doesn't care that his wife is withering away in her own home because he wants his new Tahoe and he wants his jet skis.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

One of those two things is true.

[Elizabeth]

I do believe he's an amazing husband and father. I do think he has, and this is something we've always talked about, he has selfish tendencies for sure, as far as nice things. And he's in a job where he's the only sales guy at the company. And if he were to lose an account, like, his income isn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Always.

[Elizabeth]

Like, he can't be promised that this next year he'll make the same amount of money if he were to lose an account.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so, so basically he's using his wife as his insurance plan or his fallback plan.

[Elizabeth]

Kind of what it feels like. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. That's not a good way to quote, unquote, use your wife.

[Elizabeth]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If y' all both agree for a season, my job's pretty precarious. I need you to pick up some work so that we can. Or go back and get a full time job so we can make sure at least we have health insurance for this little baby. And all I get that is not selfish of me to want to be a stay at home mom. God, no. No.

[Elizabeth]

I just feel like anyone I talk to about it, especially his family, they're. They just kind of tell me that's not practical and they don't know how we'd make ends meet.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you make 108. Let's say he. His salary got cut in half. You'd make $90,000.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not what it was five years ago or 10 years ago. But you're still not starving. You're doing just fine.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Even working part time.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. And I've been trying everything on my end to go to part time or it's just not really working out. My company isn't allowing that right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so maybe that's not the company for you and that's okay. That's a conversation for a future thing. But the deeper thing here is I don't think you're struggling with going back to work with a new baby. I think the baby exposed. You're living with a provider, but a very selfish man. And you've probably always known that a little bit, but you could navigate it. And now that you have a kid, you can't navigate it anymore.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what in the world. He's allowing his family to speak in on his behalf. They don't get to do that. They don't get a vote.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. I think we both come from a divorce household. And both my family and his family have said they know that financial struggles can really affect a marriage. And so I think that's the selfish part of me that I know he does like. To me, $180,000 is a lot of money. I know there's sacrifices we would have to make as far as, you know, maybe we can't go out on a trip as often as we'd like or.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not a sacrifice. Yeah, it's not. A sacrifice is when a dad doesn't eat dinner. A sacrifice is when a mom and dad say, in this season, we have three kids under the age of four, we will never go to a restaurant for a calendar year because we simply cannot afford it. I'm going to take the bus. I'm going to get a ride to work. I'm going to make this, this full time sales job. And at night, I'm going to go to night school. So that I'm not beholden to. If one account goes away, we. We starve. That's a sacrifice. Not going on a third vacation is not a sacrifice.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not being able to travel to family holidays, that's not a sacrifice. It's just not. Not in the grand scheme of all humanity until like 30 years ago. And I'm not mad at you at all. I'm just. This is the cultural air that we're all breathing because the illusion is those things that stuff, those pictures on Instagram or in our phones are somehow going to give us the peace that. Here's why. Fine. Here's why Financial Stress destroys marriages. Number one there is the basics. If you're hungry you don't make good choices. If you're scared to death at work you don't make good choices. If you don't have a car or you're cold because you don't have any heat, totally get it. Abject poverty is very tough. Right. But the reason financial stress hurts most marriages is because people aren't united in, in mo forward towards a goal.

[Elizabeth]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's the unity is the problem. Not the up to a certain point, not the income level.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Everything above that is about ego and pride and what I want to show the world or what I think I quote unquote deserve.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The peace you're chasing is found in both people with both feet in the boat. Are you scared that if you tell him the truth about how you feel you're going to end up like both of Yalls families?

[Elizabeth]

A little bit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Elizabeth]

Like I don't, I don't think you'd ever leave me or anything like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You think he's going to resent you?

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So you'll have a resentment collision in slow motion happening right in front of me. And it doesn't make you unique. Every marriage I know has multiple seasons of this. But somebody has to stop and put it on the table like this. I can't breathe in my own house. Every morning I hand this kid off to go sit in some dead eyed office to make money for somebody else. I can't. It's not about being the best mom and wife. I mean that's a performance thing. This is about. I'm starting to hate breathing in my own skin. I, I don't like the life. The thought of somebody else raising my kid.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. I hate it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want us to put on paper a four month plan for me to stay home. What must be true. A six month plan in six months I'm out. So what subscriptions do we have to cut? What cars do we have to sell? What credit cards do we have to pay off? What house do we have to downsize? I, I, what vacations are we going to cancel? What must be true and put on the table. I don't want to resent you. I love you too much. And by saying this stuff out loud I'm terrified that you're going to resent me and not love me or this kid put it on the table.

[Elizabeth]

And I've told them I'm scared of resenting him. And that's his. He gets very sad when I Say that as well. And he doesn't want that either.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Elizabeth]

So I just feel like we're in this revolving door of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yep. Somebody's got to break the loop. Yeah, somebody's got to break the loop. And I, I get. Dude, I don't want to badmouth the guy. Sounds like he's working hard, but it sounds like he's trapped too. And this is what I didn't have this life growing up. I'm going to make this life period.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think the challenge is for two, two people at this point in a marriage. Both of you come from broken home, from. From divorced homes. Right. From a mess. And you're trying to create something new. And you both go in with a picture of what that looks like that's well and good and that helps you survive. Now you have a kid. Now you got to both say, okay, what is our picture going to be? Let's co create it together.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. How, how can I approach him without feeling selfish for leaving work? Or like when he says life is expensive?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, there's. There's two ways. One, feel what you're going to feel. Your body's going to try to protect you your in any way you can. And many young girls who come from divorced homes, their job was to keep. Keep the emotional lights on in the house. That can't be your job anymore. You'll have to both do that. So your job isn't to make sure all the windows are open and the sun's in the house. That's both of Yalls job. Which means some days he opens the blinds and some days you open the blinds. So your body's going to feel what it's going to feel. It's going to try to keep you safe the way it's been trying to keep you safe your whole life. You can't make decisions based on that. And then the second part is we have to approach that. Those throwaway statements. Well, life is expensive. Cool. Let's map it out. Let's see.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah, he did do that. He did sit down and go through everything and all said and done with everything. And he included if, you know, we were to pay for insurance and all of that. And it was like we had about $900 left over.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And for a season when you have young kids, that's not enough.

[Elizabeth]

I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm asking you, that's 10,000 extra dollars a year. No, no, it's not. It's more than that. No, it's about 10,000 a year.

[Elizabeth]

I think for the Season. It would be worth being home with my kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I 100 agree with you.

[Elizabeth]

And I, I'm just afraid we don't have the same values in that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, that's where you have to go. Because couples can be all over the place when it comes to beliefs. They can be all over the place when it comes to desires. They got to be unified on those central values. And central values are things like I want peace in this house or central values are if one of you hates your job and needs to get out of it for whatever reason. We're going to both work together to see if that's a reality. It might be a two year reality. It might be a five year reality because we borrowed so much money. We can't do it. We literally can't do it right now. It might be a six month reality. 900 quote unquote extra dollars if you're smart or not smart. I didn't say that. Right. If you are savvy, can become $1,200. And that's assuming you're assuming he might lose an account, but he might gain an account. And if he's a great scrappy, go get him salesman. He needs to find another job. It's not so precarious that one account, the whole world goes away. He can go use those talents. Everybody. The world spins around salesmen. He can go find other sales jobs that will pay him a considerable amount of money. Everybody's looking for a good salesman. Everybody. And so I think it's about saying, okay, six months. What must be true. And by the way, I don't want him to do that. I want y' all to do that. Y' all to do it. Kelly, what's that? What's that insurance company that Rachel uses?

[E]

Christian Healthcare Ministries.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, check out Christian Healthcare Ministries. I don't know if they don't have a faith requirement, I don't think but that's just, that's the name of the company. Go check them out. That might be a great alternative. Also a friend of mine endorses them and I've heard great things about their like, I just don't want you to Google one thing and be like, all right, that's it. And then move on. And I also know there's sales jobs because I work at a place where there are salesmen who get benefits. And so it might be okay. I'm going to look around and I'm going to go get a job doing sales where I make 150 and. But I'm also going to get health insurance and benefits. We can all exhale a little bit. There's, what I'm saying is there's a path. There's a path, there's a path. You're not crazy. I shout from the rooftops and salute anybody who wants to be a stay at home mom. Love it, love it, love it. And you're headed towards a slow moving resentment rack. And so, yeah, I think it's saying, I tried it for two months, I tried it for four months. However long you've tried it, I'm gonna have to make a change. Feel how? Feel like, oh my gosh, I feel this, I feel that, I feel guilty, I feel whatever. Exhale and then go do the next right thing for your family together. It was a tough one. Elizabeth. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental and emotional and physical health resources, whether it's finally taking action with their physical health, finally getting some friends to do life with, or finally getting the courage to seek professional mental health support. But when it comes to seeing a therapist, over a quarter of the people surveyed say they avoid getting therapy due to fear of judgment. I understand this. I felt the same judgment before I finally got the courage to go get help. When people won't get help, it doesn't just affect them, it affects their families, their workplaces, and their entire communities. The world is better when people are healthy and whole. And if I could be selfish for a moment, the world is better when you are healthy and whole. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them. So to get started, fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. And it's really easy to switch. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10 off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?

[E]

Yes, this is from a woman in Kentucky who asked to remain anonymous, but she writes tonight on Instagram. John posted about grabbing your husband's face and Telling him that you're proud of him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Grabbing his what? Face. Face, Face, Face.

[E]

Okay, I thought that I say it enough, but tonight, as I leaned down to kiss him, I grabbed his face and I said it. I felt a little silly, but my husband actually teared up and told me how much it meant to him that I said that. It goes to show that it never hurts to tell him more and more how proud I am of him and how much we appreciate him. So thank you for the idea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm telling you right now, if here's the honest truth, some husbands don't act in a way that is worthy of their wife, grabbing their face and saying, hey, stop, stop, stop. I am proud of you. I'm glad I picked you to do life with. I only got one shot at this. I'm glad I chose you. Some guys aren't there, but for those that are, nobody's perfect. But for those that are, I'm telling you right now, if you're listening to this show, make it a point tonight to take a quick stolen moment, grab your husband by the face, just look him in the eyes and say, I need you to hear me say this. I'm so proud of you. So glad I chose you. I'm grateful every day at how you're trying to hold this whole thing together in a crazy world. Dude, that's like a drink of water in a desert for an exhausted husband. Thank you guys so much. Love y' all. Bye.