Is My Boyfriend a Bad Parent?

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show – "Is My Boyfriend a Bad Parent?"

Episode Date: September 19, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

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Overview of Main Theme

This episode centers around nuanced challenges in relationships, mental health, and parenting, as listeners call in with deeply personal concerns. Topics include navigating differing parenting styles in blended families, encouraging mental health support in college fraternities, and guiding children through major life transitions. Dr. John Delony brings his characteristic direct, compassionate, and practical advice while promoting personal responsibility and open communication.

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Key Segments & Insights

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1. Navigating Different Parenting Styles in a Blended Family

[00:05–15:38]
Caller: Jay from Austin, Texas

A. Jay's Dilemma

• Dating a divorced man with three children for 10 months; has no children herself, but has a background in child development and extensive childcare experience.
• Struggles with partner’s and his parents’ discipline styles (notably spanking), bargaining tactics, and overall approach to parenting.
• Fears discord between her values and his parenting impacting long-term compatibility.

B. Core Discussion Points

Dr. Delony’s Approach:

• Challenges Jay to reflect on her lack of direct parenting experience, highlighting the distinction between theoretical knowledge and actual parenting.
  • "There's a huge difference between knowing about a thing and experiencing a thing. Huge difference." — Dr. John Delony [04:34]
• Acknowledges Jay’s extensive hands-on child experience and the depth it brings.

Main Disagreements:

• Spanking vs. Non-Violent Discipline ([05:12])

  • Jay expresses discomfort with spanking, especially if done in anger, linking it to her own traumatic upbringing.
  • Dr. Delony differentiates between a tap for safety (“hand away from hot stove”) and hitting out of frustration, urging respect for personal boundaries and values.

• Bargaining Rather Than Setting Boundaries ([07:18])

  • Jay notes her boyfriend often bargains rather than enforcing clear instructions, which she believes gives undue power to the children.
  • Dr. Delony agrees, calling Jay’s approach “world-class parenting” — letting kids make small choices within set boundaries.

Communication Between Partners:

• Jay has openly discussed her discomfort and personal history, explaining how certain discipline methods can have deeper psychological implications for children.
  • "I'm afraid that you are teaching your girls that someone bigger than them can love them and can cause them pain." — Jay [10:19]
• Her boyfriend responds emotionally and positively, expressing a desire to improve:
  • "You're right. I have to do better and I want to do better... Sometimes I act without thinking and we have to find a better way." — Jay’s boyfriend (as recounted) [10:44]

Dr. Delony’s Concluding Advice:

• Commends both for honest communication and commitment to self-improvement.
• Emphasizes that real change comes from emotional regulation in adults, not just parenting techniques.
  • "His behavior change is learning to regulate his adult emotions." — Dr. John Delony [11:35]
• Encourages continued self-work for both, mutual support, and alignment on values as the cornerstone of strong relationships.
  • "You putting, you continuing to speak your values...and him saying 'I want to get better at this'... that’s the stuff good relationships are made of." — Dr. John Delony [12:55]

Notable Moment

• Dr. Delony’s praise:
  • "Man, it sounds like this guy won the lottery with you... If he continues to put his words into action, that’s the good, good stuff." — Dr. John Delony [13:21]

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2. Promoting Mental Health in College Fraternities

[15:39–29:29]
Caller: Chris, Social Chair in a fraternity

Main Discussion Points

Identifying the Problem:

• Fraternity’s “mental health chair” is a ceremonial role with no real impact, signaling apathy about wellness.
• Party culture often used as a coping mechanism, preventing members from addressing deeper issues.

Actionable Strategies:

• Leadership must model vulnerability by openly seeking mental health support.
  • "If I still need to go see somebody to process stuff, I want to make it okay for everybody else to go too." — Dr. John Delony [20:19]
• Work with university or local resources to reduce friction, i.e., make access to mental health care easier.
• Use fraternity funds to subsidize professional counseling if university resources are lacking.
  • "We're going to throw two less parties and...put that $5,000 towards covering counseling.” — Dr. John Delony [24:57]
• Replace symbolic positions with real action—financial support, resource partnerships, firm boundaries around unhealthy behaviors.

Notable Quotes:

• "When there's an official position that does nothing...it communicates there’s no value here from the top down." — Dr. John Delony [16:45]
• "Think in terms of action steps instead of ceremonial steps." — Dr. John Delony [24:56]

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3. Moving with Kids: Handling Major Family Transitions

[29:30–43:05]
Caller: Andy in Los Angeles

Summary

Situation:

• Father of four boys under eight, preparing to move to live on multi-generational family property per in-laws’ invitation.
• Worried about impact of abrupt change, especially on his oldest son who struggles with transitions.

Dr. Delony’s Guidance:

• Reassures Andy that concern itself is a strong sign of good parenting.
• Advocates for transparency and intentionality in preparing children for change—rely on prior success with transitions as a teaching moment.
• Reframes the move as a unique opportunity: children learning through service, responsibility, and intergenerational relationships.
  • “What more amazing opportunity could you give them than to demonstrate...we’re going to take care of our elders.” — Dr. John Delony [35:24]
• Emphasizes honoring children’s feelings while modeling resilience and commitment to family wellbeing.
  • “Your kids don’t get a vote on the move...but you can steward their experience through support and empathy.” — Paraphrased from Dr. Delony [39:14–41:50]
• Affirms personal growth: Andy is actively "changing his family tree."
  • “You are changing your family tree.” — Dr. John Delony [41:50]

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4. Email Bag: Is My (Ex-)Boyfriend’s Controlling Faith “Godly”?

[43:06–47:26]
Letter from Jessica in Ohio

Situation

• Middle-aged woman whose boyfriend of five years broke up with her over differences in boundaries for their children and expectations of “godly” wifehood (obedient, submissive, no “questioning” decisions).
• He became verbally dismissive, cussed (uncharacteristically), and expressed the need to “find someone else to deal with your emotions.”

Dr. Delony’s Take

• Vehemently urges Jessica to “run” from controlling, patriarchal relationships:
  • "A 'traditional godly wife’...does not mean you are somebody's servant. You don't get thoughts and autonomy and independence in your own emotions and feelings.” — Dr. John Delony [44:19]
• Rejects spiritual manipulation as a cover for domineering behavior.
• Encourages self-respect and independence.
  • "No, you’re not the problem." — Dr. John Delony [44:56]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Parenting Without Experience:
  "I’m always fascinated by people who disagree with somebody doing a thing when they have never done that thing." — Dr. John Delony [02:39]
• On Modeling Mental Wellness:
  "It doesn't communicate weakness. It communicates an immense amount of strength.” — Dr. John Delony [21:03]
• On Family Change:
  "You are embodying changing your family tree. That's what this is." — Dr. John Delony [41:50]
• On Boundaries and Faith:
  "Run, run, run. I’m so sick of this cancer. A ‘traditional godly wife’...does not mean you are somebody’s servant.” — Dr. John Delony [44:19]

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Timestamps Overview

• Jay on Blended Parenting: 00:05–15:38
• Chris on Fraternity Mental Health: 15:39–29:29
• Andy on Moving Family: 29:30–43:05
• Jessica on Controlling Faith: 43:06–47:26

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Tone & Closing Thoughts

Dr. Delony’s style throughout is frank, respectful, and supportive, combining lived experience, research, and a strong advocacy for healthy relationships and boundaries. He empowers listeners to voice their values, model emotional intelligence, and make choices rooted in integrity and mutual respect.

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Summary crafted for listeners or readers who want deep insight without hearing the full episode.

Transcript

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

So I have been dating a man who is divorced, and he has three kids. I'm realizing that we have very different parenting styles, and I am trying to figure out if this can work long term.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So can I play the Devil's Advocate challenge game with you? Is that cool?

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Of course. I like that game.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your relationships, your life, your marriage, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm. I'm here. I'll sit with you, and we'll figure out the next right move. Thank you so much for. For being with us. Let's go out to Austin, Texas, and talk to Jay. What's up, Jay? How we doing, man?

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

I'm doing all right. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great. What's up?

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

So I. Well, first, thank you for your show because I think you're awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And thank you so much. That's. Literally. I've been talking to Kelly for the last 30 minutes. That's the nicest thing somebody has told me in a while. So thank you.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

So I have been dating a man who is divorced for about 10 months now, and he has three kids. And I met the kids about six months ago or so. And as I'm spending more time with the kids than him and his parents, I'm realizing that we have very different parenting styles. And I am trying to figure out the longevity of things and if this can work long term and how to move forward with that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good one. Do you have kids, too?

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

I do not. So I was married for seven years. It was a traumatic marriage. And I. Because he turned out to be an addict. And I was determined that I wasn't gonna have kids with him until he got clean, and he never did. So I do not have children. But I always wanted to be a mom.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So, A, I'm glad that you're safe, and B, I'm glad that you made the choices that you made. That's very wise. So good on you. That's awesome. Okay, so can I play the Devil's Advocate challenge game with you? Is that cool? Meaning.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Of course. I like that game.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I poke at you a bit? And then you. You challenge me back. Is that cool?

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. So I'm always fascinated by people who disagree with somebody doing a thing when they have never done that thing.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

That's fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me ask you in that same vein. You have a guy who's got three kids. He's parenting them, and you Say I've got different parenting styles when you've never parented. Tell me about that.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

So I'm a few classes away from a bachelor's degree in child development with a minor in psychology.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, no, y' all are the worst. Y' all are the worst.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

And I was in childcare for about 10 years, so I know I have never birthed a child. And, no, I've never been able to claim a child as mine, but I have been around children a lot, and I have disciplined and parented and all of the things. I'm very close to my nieces and nephews. I have babysat a lot with them and was a nanny for several years. So I have a lot of lived experience. I have a lot of. A lot more lived experience than I would say the quote, unquote, average quote, unquote, stepmom, which I am not as of yet, comes in and says, oh, well, you're doing it all wrong. And I don't think he's doing it all wrong. I just think there are a few things that I disagree with, like, thinking, okay, so don't feel like I can discipline in the same way as him. Like, I want to come in and support what he's doing, but. But I don't feel like I can do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So give me a couple. So a great answer. Great answer. If you had just stopped with, I'm getting a bachelor's degree in Childhood Development, I would have passed out. I just would have banged my head on the counter and gone to sleep. There's a. And you know this. I'm saying this to everybody out there. There's a huge difference between knowing about a thing and experiencing a thing. Huge difference.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so good on you. And you've got a ton of experience. And here's why I love your experience. You have a ton of experience with a ton of different kids. Meaning, you know, there's different ways that different kids need to be parented, need to be disciplined, need to be coached, need to be loved. And you begin to see some commonalities across that begin to say, like, hey, there's some universal truths here. So give me some. Give me three things that you just are like, ugh, I couldn't support this guy that I'm falling in love with. I couldn't support him in how he handles his kids.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

This banking as discipline. So he. Both him and his parents. He's living with his parents right now as he's building a home. And between academic studies and lived experience and my own personal experience, my Parents. Thanks. When we were little, that's just not something that I can do to a child. And that's not something that it's hard for me to be around. Yes, especially. And it's not that it is always, but especially when if it's done in anger and frustration, there's a difference between, oh, I hate that I'm doing this or oh, I'm smacking your hand to get away from the hot stove or something versus you are ticking me off. And I've told you five times. And now I'm frustrated. And now I'm going to thank you to get you out of this situation. I just feel like there's a difference in that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, I think you're 1 million percent accurate. And I, I would, I would frame spanking somebody's hand away versus I'm hitting you.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so, and that's even different than the discussion of there's a consequence, yada, yada. We can have that conversation. I don't want to get into.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Yeah, yeah. I'm not talking about like spoiling and having no discipline.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I totally hear that. Here's what I want.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so that's one. Let's just pause there. And, and for everybody listening, who wants to get my take on it? I'm not going to give that because that's not the point of this. I have some very strong opinions on it, but not the point. It doesn't matter.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to begin to say, hey, I'm falling for this guy, but here are some things that violate my values. Okay, so like spank hitting, like, what's the next one?

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

I think he's bargaining with his kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Try to get good behavior. So when kids don't get what they want, which every kid throws a fit when they don't give what they want.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course that's what they're supposed to do. Their kids, they're trying to learn how to regulate their nervous systems.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Yes, yes, absolutely. Absolutely. He goes kind of into bargaining mode. And so, and it's like asking the kids questions that isn't a question. Like, do you want to take a shower right now? Well, you have to take a shower right now. Well, don't frame it as a question then.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Like, we're gonna, we're gonna take a shower in five minutes. Do you want to turn the shower on or do you want me to turn the shower off?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. Yes. And what you just said was examples, world class parenting. Like, this thing is Happening. And I'm going to let you practice choosing between this reality.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Yeah, it's like you come up with what you think are great alternatives. You're okay with this or this, and then you present those things. You don't ask them if this is okay because that the power should not be in an 8 year old's hands.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Amen. And so when you have sat down and talked to him about this, what was his response? Been.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

So, so I brought it up a few months ago saying, hey, I'm, I'm, you know, I'm not here to come in and be the parent and all the things. It's like, I'm here to support whatever rules you and your parents want to have for the kids when I'm around. I was like, but that kind of discipline I won't do. And she was totally understanding about that. No issues. And then when I brought it up just in the last week or two of hey, this really bothers me and I'm. It makes me question the longevity of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This, of your relationship.

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

Yeah, good for you.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

And he said, so what is it? So he didn't get upset, he just asked. He's like, so tell me more. And so I was like, look, I came from a home where I equated a man that was bigger than me say he loved me one minute and hit me the next.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Correct.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

And I grew up. Equate is thinking as a woman that a man can hurt me whether physically or emotionally or psychologically and love me at the same time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Correct.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

And that led me to some horrible things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the reverse, the reverse for men is I love you and I'm hitting you out of anger equates to inner rage and shame and adult men. That's what the research says.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

And so I just said, you know, so that is my fear. I'm afraid that you are teaching your girls that someone bigger than them can love them and can cause them pain. And I just, I was like, I may be, I don't want bad things for them, but I also want to caution you about this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what did he say?

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

And he had tears in his eyes and he said, you're right. He's like, I. He's like, I have to do better and I want to do better. He's like, but there are times I don't know what to do. And I. He's like, you're right. Sometimes I act without thinking and I, we have to find a better way. And so we have talked about having like a family meeting and all having the same rules and all kinds of things. And there's a really good co parenting relationship between everybody. And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's what I would tell you. Here's what I would tell you.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That type of response, I'll take all day, seven days a week. Yeah. And I don't think his. I. My personal belief is I don't think his behavior change will come from a parenting book. His behavior change is learning to regulate his adult emotions. That there is no way a child can get me so out of control that I have to hit them out of anger to get them to do what I want. Now, now the next truth is, what is action going to look like, right? What is behaviors, the language? What is he going to go do next? And so co parenting, great. Y' all talking about things great. If I'm you, I would say, hey, I'm going to go see somebody. And you probably are continuing to see somebody. I want you to go see somebody because I want that nuclear reactor in your chest to dissipate. Your kids aren't gonna have access to that. And if it does happen, by the way, I'm not a robot. I do get set off. I do get angry. I've got a set of. I'm gonna go for a walk. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna start singing real loud. I'm gonna tell my kids I need five minutes and I'll be back. And that's them witnessing their dad emotionally regulating himself in real time. That's a gift to my kids. And same here. But you got to learn how to do that. And that's just hard. You have to just. It's an ego free process. You have to commit to saying, there's a set of skills that I don't have and I want to learn to control this. And my goodness, he's got somebody like you in his corner, which is just amazing. So we covered a lot here. All I have to say is you putting, you continuing to speak your values and say, I can't be a part of this and I won't be a part of this is such a powerful thing. And him saying, I want to get better at this. I want to be a part of this with you, and will you walk alongside me? That's what really, that's. That's the stuff good relationships are made of. It's amazing. And now the proof is going to be in the work that happens next. So High5 to UJ all across the board. Get that degree and keep going, man. The world needs people like you out in the world. Affecting positive change. And, man, it sounds like this guy won the lottery with you. And if he continues to be a guy that wants to get better, and by the way, there's gonna be things you need to get better at, right? He's gonna help you. But if he continues to say, you're right, I want to get better, and I'm gonna go put my. My words into action, man. That's the good, good stuff. Thank you so much for the call. I mean, is a great one. We come back, a man wonders how to do a hard thing, talk to his male buddies about their health. We'll be right back. This weekend, I got up really early with my son and we headed out to a local creek to try and catch some fish. And I brought my fishing gear. And of course, I was wearing poncho. I love my poncho shirts. If you've ever watched this show before or seen me speak live on stage or even seen me fishing in a local creek, you have seen me wearing poncho shirts. I wear them when I'm mowing, fishing, working out, grilling, wherever. I love my poncho shirts. These shirts have become my go to because Poncho makes the absolute best outdoor performance shirts for men, period. The fabric's light and it's breathable so I'm not drenched or stuck in my seat two minutes after I sit down. And they're still durable. They move with you, not against you. Poncho shirts don't cling or bunch up or make you look like a human sausage. You know what I'm talking about? Listen, life is loud, fast, and messy sometimes, and you need clothes that work with how you live. That's why I wear poncho. And you should, too. Go to ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney and check out a few of my favorite shirts like the burnt end and the steel head. Right now, new customers get $10 off when you sign up with your email at ponchooutdoors.com Deloney all right, let's go to Detroit Rock City and talk to Chris. What up, Chris?

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

Hey, Dr. John. I'm a huge fan. I've been listening to every show since my sophomore year of high school. I listened to it in the morning when I drove myself to school.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, thank. Dude, you probably shouldn't have been listening to that. You should have been listening to the radio. But good for you, man. I appreciate you listening. That's awesome. What's up?

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

Yeah, so my question is, I'm on the executive board of my fraternity going into next year. And I'm looking for some help on how I can address a huge mental health gap that I think we have right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow, man. Kudos to your, to your brothers for voting you in in this role, man. That's awesome. Tell me about what you're seeing and experiencing.

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

Yeah, so we have a mental health chair who basically does nothing. It's kind of just a position that we have to say we have it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I stop you, Can I stop you right there?

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'll, I'll interrupt you along the way here. That right there is problem number one, because it sends a message that this doesn't matter.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so as the executive chair, if you're able to remove this person or dissolve that chair and create something new that actually does a thing, that would be a huge, like, billboard to your, to your fraternity, to your brothers, that this thing, it now matters. Okay. But when there's, when there's an official position that does nothing, think, think of our government stuff, right? Like, like that person does nothing in this. Like it communicates. Oh, there's no value here from the top down. So that's numero uno, but good call. Okay. Keep going.

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

Yeah. So my official position is social chair. So I'm the one who plans all the parties, puts most things together. And what I see happen a lot of times is rather than dealing with certain, whether it's school related issues or relational issues, people will turn into this crazy party lifestyle that we've created for ourselves first, rather than ever addressing a lot of the problems. And I'm looking for a way to at least encourage people or provide. Provide a sense of okayness. I don't know if that's the right word to use around fixing yourself first rather than using all the vices we have available to us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure, man. This is great question, dude. I'm glad you're asking this question. And you're going up against a tradition that has hundreds of years of history. Right?

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of guys getting together. And I'm just speaking specifically to men. I know women have their issues, but guys getting together and just going bananas. Some as guys just go bananas. Right. And also some of it is we have to let off or this idea, we got to let off steam. We have to burn a hole in the ground or we have to just drink ourselves into oblivion because we can't live in our own skin. Right. And man, good for you for seeing that. So I. Here's what I've seen effective in workplaces and to some degree, with college Students is just. It's just tough. Okay? It's just tough. And I'll tell you this from lived experience. When you wade into college and fraternity changes, you're going to get beat up psychologically, emotionally, maybe even literally. Like, they're going to come after you. The. The old guard will come after you, the current guard will come after you, and possibly even people from other chapters will come after you. Like, you will become a target. Just know that. Okay? Okay. And it will come at you from the craziest angles. 60 year olds, 42 year olds, oh, my gosh, you're getting soft, you're getting woke, you're getting like, they'll come up with all kind of stuff and you'll be thinking, I just want these, my brothers to stop wanting to kill themselves. I just want my people, these guys that I'm committed to and that I care about, I just want them to be healthy and like, oh, my gosh, you're. You see what I'm saying? So that's what you're coming up against. I just want to put that out there. Okay. All right. I would say the first thing is to, as leaders, y' all have to commit to going first. Meaning I. You'll. If you listen. You've listened to this show a lot. I talk often about how I go see somebody, see a therapist. The reason I do that is I want to communicate. I'm a guy with two PhDs, two doctorate degrees in two different disciplines. I have a top 10 mental health and relationship show in the United States, and I still go see a counselor. And so if I still need to go see somebody to process stuff, I want to make it okay for everybody else to go to. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. So you and the chapter executives have to come to some sort of agreement to say, hey, we're going to go to the counseling center here at the university. We're going to go use our resources, and we're going to communicate that to our brothers, even though they're going to make fun of us.

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I tell executives, I tell CEOs this, if you want your staff to be well and utilize resources, you have to tell them, hey, I'm not available Wednesdays at 4pm because I leave and me and my wife go to marriage counseling. And what that does is it doesn't communicate weakness. It communicates an immense amount of strength, and it communicates to your entire team. Okay. It's okay if we go too, Right? So you have to go first and you have to demonstrate it has to be more than, more than just talking. Okay. That's number one. Number two, it's working with your chapter and your. Probably your national fraternity house and the university where you're housed with, and remember these words, reducing friction.

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is there some sort of an agreement that you could work out with a counseling center that if one of the folks from our chapter calls you, you'll get them in quick because, you know, it's a big deal. So, for instance, when I was a dean of students at the law school, I had an agreement with the counseling center. They, they. I. I had a special therapist that was. That knew specifically about law school student issues. And so when I came back to the law students, I said, hey, there is a person over here that is specifically for y'.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's other people. You can see anybody. But if y' all think nobody's going to know about what y' all are going through, we got somebody. And, and if you have a counselor with a counseling department that would come and talk to you guys, come to your chapter meeting one night, that would come. And so what you're trying to do is you're trying to create relationship there and reduce friction, reduce the challenge it is to go seek help. And we're gonna. I don't know what that looks like. If y' all want to have workout time, if y' all want to have like mandatory, like, I know a lot of fraternities have mandatory study halls. If you don't have mandatory exercise time or you get points or something. If you all have this, if you all submit your. Your garment info or your whoop strap info or whatever, like, you can begin to incentiv healthy habits. And you as a leadership team get to decide what that, what that looks like with your own fraternity. But I want this. If you're listening, you're not in a fraternity. Whether it's your church group, whether it's your guy friend group, put a thousand dollars on the table and say the guy who loses the most weight or who works out most continuously or whatever you want to do, has the best sleep score, wins that thousand bucks. Or if you're a CEO and you want your company to be healthier. And by the way, this same behavior that you're seeing at the fraternity, when people are just drinking themselves to death or whatever, it just. When you get to be a CEO, your people just work themselves to death, right? It become they just move addictions or they also drink themselves too, but they just move addictions, right?

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I'm throwing A lot at you. What are you thinking?

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

Yeah. So I have like a counter question almost.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The.

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

For the university's mental health resources are not great at all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome.

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

There's been stories I heard last year of people trying to get in and get a meeting and having to be on a two month wait list.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

Is there anything internally that I could build to kind of circumnavigate?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I think it'd be awesome if y' all use some of your membership dues or you went to your national group and you asked for some support and said, hey, we're going to pay for half or we'll pay for the first three sessions here with a local community group. And you go, you go knock on doors and say, hey, if we come see you, can y' all cut us a deal on a sliding scale? Okay. I'd almost be willing to bet, depending on the size of the town your university is in, I'd almost be willing to bet that there's many people that would help with that.

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But, but you guys using your dues, hey, we're going to throw two less keg parties. And I know you can't call them keg parties. You have to call them gatherings or dance parties and whatever. I know that. But we're going to throw two less parties and we're going to take that 5,000 bucks and we're going to put it towards. If you all need to go see a counselor, we're going to cover the first three sessions for free or we're going to pay half the price wherever it is. Okay. And that way they can go and they can talk to somebody, to a licensed professional. We're going to help out there. That would be amazing. And it would probably, if you, if you initiated that with your, if you asked for some seed money from your national chapter, that would probably get you national recognition because that'd be a new way to handle this problem. But that's. And I'd go knock on doors with local therapists and see if they would show up. And, and then y' all need to have hard, hard conversations internally about you're just not going to accept this kind of behavior at our events and our parties. And if you want to be a part of this group, then great. And otherwise you can leave. And I know that's a financial commitment to you guys because people will leave and you want to lose a lot of chapter members, but it also is just about saying, hey, we're gonna just take a stand on this thing because we're tired of 19 year olds going bananas. And it will also challenge you guys to come up with cool, fun stuff to do that's outside the box. That's just a blast that people may not have thought of before, but is there ways to have fun without just being super unhealthy all the time? So, man, I love, love, love that you're asking this question. What I want you to do is think in terms of action steps instead of ceremonial steps. We have the mental health chair. What is that? That a stupid. That's just going. Somebody's going to put that on their resume. Dumb. Not doing that. That's gone. We dissolved that. We've actually created a fund. If you want to go see a counselor, we will ask no questions. We will send a check over to that person, to the counselor for you on your behalf. We'll write the check, send it over. I'm not going to give you cash. I'm going to send it directly to them, or we've given them 5,000 bucks on retainer. Any of y' all can go use that. You can go see this counseling group. And by the way, if your therapists aren't good, I want you guys to work with the inter fraternity council that all of Creek life is going to petition the university to hire more therapists because we need some more help around here. So there's, there's activist things you can do, there is practical things you can do. And you can also say, hey, we're just, we're just going to go dry. And I know we're going to get beat up and everybody's going to make fun of us and the old guard's going to be like, I can't believe. I know. But we're just going to stop the, the madness because we're watching our brothers just fall apart in front of us and we want to be about building each other up. So, great, great question, Chris. Thanks for caring about people. And if you're listening to this thinking, oh, God, fraternities, um, think about the groups that you inhabit and where can you reduce friction? Where can you actually implement real things in real life? And where can you just say, hey, as for us in this group, we're not going to be a part of this anymore. Thanks for the call, Chris. I'm really, really grateful for you. We come back, talk to a dad who is wrestling with how moving is going to impact his family. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Everyone is talking about therapy, therapy, therapy these days. And I often hear folks say, I don't Think I've had any major traumas in my life? I don't know if I can use therapy. Listen, this is really important. Therapy isn't just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for that, but it's also a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well being. I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past as well as helping me navigate the day to day challenges that pop up. Many of you should consider therapy too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. And they also have over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them to get started. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H E L p.com DeLoney all right, let's go to Los Angeles, California and talk to Andy. What up, Andy?

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

Hey, how's it going?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great, brother. How are you, man?

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

Doing pretty good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent. What's up, man?

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

Yeah, I'm calling today. Oh, I'm talking. My biggest concern is I'm raising four boys all under the age of eight.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Whoa. Are they all your, are they, are your bio kids?

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

Yes. Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I just. Yeah, hold on. Can I pause for a second and just say God bless you, man. That's a lot.

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

It's. Yeah, it's a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, you. Your food bill has to be amazing.

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

Yeah. You know my. Seems like their favorite meals, steak and, and pretty much heavy meat eater.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I was gonna say. Yeah, their favorite meal is everything.

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

Yeah, by a long shot. Yeah, it's, it's a, it's. That's a, that's a good size bill for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You may want to become a farmer just to grow your. Okay, go ahead. All right, so what's your question?

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

Yeah, so the last several years, my wife's family, she's a stay at home mom, has been persuading us to come live with them on their family property. There's a dual benefit there. There's a benefit of older folks living on this property that can get some help with the younger generation, helping them with their living situation and. And help keep an eye and keep the. Keep the house going. My biggest thing was, you know, I'm raising four boys. One of them, my oldest, really doesn't like change all that much. And he struggled a little bit. We were homeschooling for a while, then we went into public school and struggled for several months, you know, emotionally. Is a really athletic, smart, kind kid, but just had a hard time with it, but then ended up did, you know, towards the end of the year, turn it around. I have one other kid who had some developmental challenges and we went through a lot of hard years, but he's on the other end of that and he's striving and thriving and doing a great job. And my biggest concern is just.

[Caller 2 (Chris)]

It.

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

Looks like it's going to happen. I'm just. I have a lot of concerns and, you know, I'm learning on the fly a lot. And this is. A lot of people look and think that, you know, I have it all figured out, but I'm constantly assessing the situation and making sure that I am not doing something that's going to affect them long term because I've had a lot of issues with, you know, my home life and my past, my upbringing. So I'm. My big concern is just to give these. These boys who are going to be men one day the best possible outcome I can. And it's really the only thing I think about every single day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Dude, let me tell you this right now. Your kids are going to. Your boy's going to be great because they have you for their dad. A father that is even asking the questions you're asking means they're going to raise good boys. Good on you. Okay. And let me tell you, I don't know any parent, myself included, that thinks they're doing a good job that doesn't immediately look at the things they wish they could do better. Yeah. And so let me just hear. Hear me say directly, my brother, well done. Well freaking done. Okay. Kelly's clapping for you, too. She's clapped for me no times in my life and she's clapping for you. Okay. Well done, brother. So thank you. Let me back out all the way. And I'm not going to ask a bunch of questions about why, like, is this a financial move? Is this, is this, is this good? I'm assuming that you and your wife are in lock step with this is going to be good for us to move into this family. We're going to help out our. Your in laws you're going to help out grandparents. You're going to also. It's going to be, it's going to be a win, win, win. I'm just going to assume that out the gate. Is that cool?

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

Yeah, you're correct.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so let me back all the way out here. You've got a pretty cool situation ahead of you.

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have two kids, two of your oldest, your oldest and your second oldest who have faced change before and it was very uncomfortable and then they ended up being successful. So they have a lived experience with that discomfort and the joy and strength on the other side of going through something hard. And they have a lived experience of mom and dad walking alongside us. Whether it was trying to find the resources for special needs, whether it was being comforting and supportive at athletic events or whatever, they got to see them, they got to experience going through hard stuff. Mom and dad never bailed on us and at the end it worked out. And so with those two, that's where I'm going to lean on. We've been here before. I know it's painful. I've seen you experience discomfort and walk through it and we're going to be right by your side like we were last time. And I know it's going to be hard. And you're allowed to be upset, you're allowed to be sad, you're allowed to be heartbroken, you're allowed to be frustrated. All those things are right and good. Eight year old son, good on you. And so I want you to know those lived experiences are going to be your road map for what comes next. All right, now here's the bigger thing and you said it better than I could have said it. You are raising four future young men, right?

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What more amazing opportunity could you give them than to demonstrate through word and action? We're going to take care of our elders, we're going to take care of their property, we're going to walk alongside them and everybody's going to have jobs and responsibilities. And you talk to each one of them about what that might look like. And even if there's money involved, even if it's a little bit of money that you begin using, hey, you're. Let's say there's horses. Like your horses are going to X, Y or Z, your mowing is going to, you're cleaning the, like your kitchen area is going to be spotless. Like you begin to give them purpose and autonomy in service of older folks. I think that's amazing. So when I, I mean, I'll just, I think I've talked about on the show. I don't. I'll put it out there. In fifth grade, when my son was in fifth grade, we moved out into the country and there's some awesome folks that live across from us that have a 30 acre horse ranch. It's beautiful, it's an amazing place. But I wanted my son to A, experience working with other people, B, I wanted him to get outside when it was hot and learn how to do stuff. And C, these people are about 10 or 15 years older than us and so I want him to help people that aren't us. Right. And now my son is 15, he's a school, he's going to be a sophomore and now he works for them full time. It's amazing what he's learned and they've been so great with teaching and coaching and supporting and all like. So all I have to say is those lessons your kids will learn in service to their grandparents, to family, to older folks, to learning new skills that they're not going to learn in a suburban home, all of that is going to make them into amazing young men. And so I'm all in on that, dude. It's the important thing here is going to be highly intentional and highly purpose driven.

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

Yeah, I'm, I've read through the book the Intentional Father.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, it's an amazing book by John Tyson. Yeah, excellent, excellent.

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

And since, since going through that book several times, you know, I realized it's kind of applied without really knowing a lot of that because it feels like a lot of things that I've had to learn, I had to be intentional from the, from the get go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

I didn't, you know, I had a very turbulent childhood. I moved maybe 30 times by the time I was 16 and my father passed away very young, when I was very young. So I honestly really didn't have a male role model for a long time. And so I guess even instinctually I realized that things that we're doing were already with intention because I, I needed to, to figure it out. And my, my job that I do is very high, high stress, very. It's a, it's a very good job. It's the career I wanted, it's a dream job. But I deal with a lot of, you know, it's a very men heavy profession. And so in, in my pursuit, I guess, you know, a lot of the things I've learned were just from, you know, older generations and, and people teaching us, teaching. It's a, it's a very cultural you know, traditional environment that I work in. So it really picked up a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

In, in, that's the, that's the final, that's the icing on the cake here is your kids are going to get to learn and pick up things from their grandparents.

[Caller 3 (Andy)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They're going to get wisdom that they wouldn't normally otherwise get from anybody else. And I think that's amazing. I think that's, I think that's perfect, man. And so if you and your wife are aligned on, this is going to be best for our family. We're going to get to take care of our aging parents. We're going to, this is a good move for us financially. This is, this is good for us. Then I'll tell you on, on its face, your kids don't get a vote if a kid, if an 8 year old knows we're not moving or taking a new job or helping out grandma and grandpa because I'm going to be uncomfortable for six months that the weight of that decision will crush a child. They can't handle it. And so saying, hey, this move is happening and you're going to play a huge role in serving and loving grandma and grandpa. And I know this is going to blow your life up and I hate it for you. And you get to be sad and angry and frustrated and I'll be right here with you, sturdy as a, as an oak tree. And I'll, I'll be here with you. I'm going to take you out to breakfast every week. We're going to, I'm going to go to a concert. If I can get away and take you, I'm going to model this for you. But I know it's gonna, if you have to change schools again, I know, man, I get it. It's the worst. Making new friends again, it's the worst. And I've seen you do it before. And you saw me and your mom walking right by you and I'm gonna walk with you again. And so we're gonna paint this as the awesome opportunity it is. And we're gonna also honor that 8 year old's feelings and then we're gonna model for them, going to do the next right thing. And I gotta say it again, my brother, you are embodying changing your family tree. That's what this is. You are changing your family tree. And moving three times is different than moving 30. But I know for you, moving at all just hearkens back to when you were a kid and you find out we're moving again. We're Moving again. We're moving again. Your kids discomfort, man. That's part of it. My daughter changed schools last year. I'm still hearing about it. And I'm watching my child blossom in front of me. It was the best thing ever. She's, she's nine. She's supposed to be upset about stuff, right? That's fine. It's knowing with your wife. We are doing the next right thing for our family and we're not going to blow off our kids feelings. We're going to sit in it with them and then we're going to model for them. What's the next right move? Thank you, my brother Andy. I'm really great. It was an honor to get to talk to you, my brother. I'm proud of you. We'll be right back. If you're looking around at the culture and you're having a hard time knowing who to look up to, I get it. There's so much noise coming from so many different directions and it can be hard to know who to trust. But there are examples of people who can teach us and who have been inspiring us with their wisdom and their faith for centuries. That's why I'm excited to tell you about one of Hallow's biggest prayer challenges ever. And it's back this month. Saints in seven Days. The saints we honor aren't just stained glass paintings on church windows. They were real living people devoted to God no matter what the cost. And during this challenge, you're going to learn how we can apply their faithfulness to our lives today. Saints in 7 Days also features Gwen Stefani teaching about Queen Esther, Michael Iskander from Amazon's hit series House of David, talking about King David and many more. And the saints aren't just stories from the past. They're real life examples for living with purpose, humility, and genuine faith in a world that feels like it's falling apart. Join the Saints in Seven Days prayer challenge on Hallow today. And you're going to get three months of Hallow for free. Go to hallow.com DeLoney that's H A L L O W.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Kelly, am I the problem?

[Kelly]

All right, so this is from Jessica in Ohio and she writes, my boyfriend of almost five years broke up with me. We are middle aged, each with teenage children from previous marriages. We are both Christians, but his faith is very deep and he desires a traditional godly wife that would submit to all of his principles and decisions. At my age and having to develop resourcefulness to establish a career and raise five children. I am working hard in my own walk with God by but I do not feel that it's right for me to agree with some of his decisions such as not letting my teenage boys go to a haunted cornfield or for me to take my daughters to a Taylor Swift concert. To him, these are relationship deal breakers. He is usually very calm, but last night he left saying that I needed to, quote, find someone else to deal with my emotions. Your s word. He said he never cusses, but he did last night. And your family, End quote. He is a policeman of high integrity, but I was feeling like he is becoming more unrealistic and more controlling. Am I the problem?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Run, run as fast as you can. I'm sure Taylor Swift has like 30 songs about this exact situation. Just run, run, run. A quote unquote traditional godly wife, whatever that means, does not mean you are somebody's servant, does not mean you are somebody's dishwasher and sandwich maker and does not mean that you don't get thoughts and autonomy and independence in your own emotions and feelings at all. Period. Run, run, run. I'm so sick of this cancer. I'm so sick of it. Run. And I know it's heartbreaking and I know you love this guy and I know this guy's got a ton of qualities that make him a good upstanding citizen and man. But you are right to not. To not collapse God fearing wife and mother with servitude. You're right. Run, run, run. No, you're not the problem. As the great Taylor Swift once asked. Did she ask or she said it? No, she said it. I'm the problem. It's me. Oh, Kelly. Don't you. Kelly's Taylor Swift tattoo is ludic.

[Kelly]

I do know that song. Hi, I'm the problem. It's me. I do know that song. I'm not well versed on my Taylor Swift music, but I do know that one.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, that's the 42nd time Kelly's lied to you, America. So she's very well versed in it. There's pictures of you on the Internet at like three different Taylor Swift shows on the front row. You can look it up. It's on the Internet. I'll put it@john delaney.com. kelly is a Taylor Swifty. Is that how you say that?

[Kelly]

I would happily admit if I was. I don't think there's any shame in that. It's just not my thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is your thing, Kelly? Besides 50ish year old men in leather pants at Whole Foods.

[Kelly]

Okay, first of all, you would be. If we're talking about some of our aging rock stars, you would be more of a fan girl than I would be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're correct.

[Kelly]

If we happen to run into, I don't know, Mark Slaughter.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Correct. You know, I may have crossed a little bit of a stalky line with Mark Slaughter.

[Kelly]

He lives here, and I know he hangs out at the Home Depot, and I'm stalking the Home Depot, but it hasn't worked.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't think he hangs out at the Home Depot as much as he shops there for clubbing fittings.

[Kelly]

A guy that works here has run into him multiple times at Home Depot. Me, None.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I haven't either. Everyone lives in Nashville. But I have seen Kelly with, like, catching her breath with both hands, like, on the pop Tart aisle, by the way, that's where she lives, like, breathing, like, heavily. And I was like, kelly, what's wrong? And she's like, somebody from some 80s metal band just walked by, and I have to catch my breath. That happened multiple times.

[Kelly]

Pot, kettle, you and I've met.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Fair, fair, fair. I didn't catch my breath. I just broke down weeping. It overwhelmed me.

[Kelly]

It was quite embarrassing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It was. But I wept. But I love all those bands. Bye, love y'.

[Caller 1 (Jay)]

All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Stay in school. Don't do drugs.