Is My Wife Sending Nude Pics to Other Men?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: “Is My Wife Sending Nude Pics to Other Men?”
Date: December 29, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

Overview

This episode covers challenging and emotional listener questions centered on trust, infidelity, relationship breakdowns, and personal struggles with respect and attraction. Dr. John Delony, staying true to his “real talk” approach, guides callers through honest reflection, accountability, and practical next steps. The episode is characterized by frankness, empathy, and vulnerability, delivering advice that balances tough truth with care.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity: Randy’s Story

[01:06–19:49]

Background

• Randy, married for 12+ years (16 together), discovered his wife’s affair a few months prior.
• They attempted reconciliation with the help of individual therapists and a Gottman-trained marriage counselor.
• Recently, Randy found topless photos of his wife from six years ago, a period he thought their marriage was “strong.”

Core Issues

• Randy’s Internal Conflict: He views his wife as a “best friend” and struggles with the implication that her betrayal means this belief was never truly accurate.
• Interrogation vs. Connection: As a former investigator, Randy relies on interrogation methods to detect the truth, believing he knows all his wife’s “tells.”
• Deeper Trust Issues: Dr. Delony highlights the personal loss of self-trust that comes after partner betrayal.

Dr. John’s Key Insights

• Challenge to Randy’s Narrative:

  "You will not be able to move forward until you are honest that none of that was true. Best friends don’t knife the person in the same bed with them." — Dr. John [05:13]

• Humility in Knowing a Partner:

  "The number one barrier for a good interrogator is their own ego...with all that I am, brother, you do not, quote-unquote, know all of her tells." — Dr. John [07:27]

• Dr. Delony urges Randy to let go of control and imagined scenarios, labeling his rumination as “digging a deeper hole.”

  "You are creating stories that then you have to solve…Your car is stuck in mud, and you have your foot jammed on the gas and…you're just digging a deeper hole." — Dr. John [13:09]

• Repair Requires Open-Heartedness:

  "The path forward for reconciliation here is open handedness. And that's terrifying." — Dr. John [16:16]

Dr. John’s Advice on Confrontation

• Don’t approach with an interrogation; instead, share vulnerability:

  "I shouldn't have interrogated you as a means to regain power in this relationship. I should have wept because I loved you…and right now, I'm just heartbroken." — Dr. John [16:41]

• Find peace not in knowing the exact truth, but in honest, open communication—even when it’s painful.

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2. Parental Burnout and Marital Disconnect: An’s Story

[23:49–38:30]

Background

• An, married 3 years, is raising her husband’s daughter, while her adult children are grown.
• Husband is always “working, in a band, or sleeping,” not present at home even after winning greater custody.
• An feels she’s repeating unhealthy patterns from her former marriage and wrestles with whether to “fight or walk away.”

Core Issues

• Lack of Respect and Emotional Abandonment:

  "You’re married to a man that you simply do not respect…he doesn’t want to see you." — Dr. John [25:38]

• Recurring Patterns: Pain of being in another marriage where connection is absent.

Dr. John’s Key Insights

• Self-blame is a natural but misplaced response to repeated relationship disappointments:

  "It's easy to say it's them. And then it happens again…and it's hard not to look in the mirror." — Dr. John [26:53]

• Ownership of desires:

  "Maybe for the first time in your whole life, I want you to own what you want." — Dr. John [29:44]

• Dr. John encourages An to write concretely what she needs (e.g., "I want you home four nights a week").
• Partnership is about shared ownership, not point-scoring:

  "You’re simply taking full ownership of you. I want to be married to someone who likes me and wants to be at home." — Dr. John [31:18]

Next Steps

• Dr. John suggests pausing on more counseling; instead, An must clarify what she wants in her marriage before engaging further.
• He offers connection tools (“Questions for Humans” decks) and a couple’s app, stressing the importance of initiating honest, specific conversations about needs.

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3. Losing Attraction & Navigating Health Habits: Jay’s Story

[41:49–56:14]

Background

• Jay (21), dating and living with his girlfriend (20) for one year, expresses losing attraction as she’s gained weight. He values health/discipline, while she struggles with shame and self-care.

Core Issues

• Is the loss of attraction physical, emotional, or values-based? Jay says it’s “both,” but more tied to seeing her neglect herself and the resulting changes in her confidence and openness.
• He fears voicing his concerns will shame her; struggles to find supportive, loving ways to address the issue.

Dr. John’s Key Insights

• Distinguishing Attraction Drivers:
  If Jay’s concern is solely physical, he needs to examine whether he’s fit for long-term commitment.
• Shame is Counterproductive:

  "You will never change somebody's health habits if they feel like they're doing it out of a place of shame or…obligation. People will change their health habits when they realize, 'I am worth feeling good.'" — Dr. John [51:04]

• Different Upbringings, Different Coping:
  Dr. John helps Jay see his pride in self-discipline may be a legacy of his childhood struggles and not a universal ideal.
• Love Through Vulnerability:

  "How can I love and find that girl again? …Maybe I’ve contributed to dimming your light, and I'm sorry." — Dr. John [53:58]

• Encourages Jay to focus on shared values, create a meaningful budget together, and embrace seasons where attraction may fluctuate.

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4. Boundaries with Adult Children: Listener Email

[58:56–60:44]

Question

• Cindy asks if it’s “wrong” to want her adult kids to leave earlier after family dinners.

Dr. John’s Key Insight

• “You can't get mad... for crossing boundaries you didn't create.” Set clear expectations — it's not wrong to want your space, just communicate it with love and clarity.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Self-Deception & Betrayal:

  "Best friends don’t cheat. Best friends don’t start a reconciliation process and don’t fully come clean."
  — Dr. John [05:22]

• On Trust:

  "If I can’t trust me, then who can I trust? …there’s a deeper trust loss in yourself."
  — Dr. John [08:48]

• On Marital Detachment:

  "You're married to a man who...doesn’t want to see you. And if we're honest...he doesn’t want to see you."
  — Dr. John [25:43]

• On Boundaries and Ownership:

  "Say the boundary. Ta-da."
  — Dr. John [59:36]

• On Relationship Honesty:

  "The greatest investigators...are ones who regularly say, 'I don’t know.'"
  — Dr. John [10:10]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Randy’s Trust & Reconciliation Question: 01:06–19:49
• An’s Parenting and Marriage Struggles: 23:49–38:30
• Jay’s Attraction & Discipline Challenges: 41:49–56:14
• Listener Boundaries with Adult Kids: 58:56–60:44

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Tone & Style

The tone throughout is direct, honest, and compassionate. Dr. John pulls no punches but balances brutal truths with empathy, vulnerability, and humor (“You are creating stories that then you have to solve,” … “your car is stuck in mud…”). Callers’ stories are met with validation and tough-but-loving advice, while actionable solutions and reflective questions empower listeners to take agency in their relationships.

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Summary

This deeply human episode covers infidelity, reconciling trust, feeling abandoned in marriage, struggles with attraction and self-care, and the importance of boundaries — all delivered with Dr. John Delony’s trademark mix of empathy and candor. Listeners are challenged to own their feelings, be honest with themselves, and pursue open, vulnerable dialogue as the foundation for change and healing.

Transcript

[Caller Randy]

A couple months ago, I uncovered an.

[Dr. John Delony]

Affair land right in the middle of it. Dude, what did you find?

[Caller Randy]

I found a couple of pictures of her. Accomplished.

[Dr. John Delony]

I promise you with all that I am, brother, you do not quote, unquote know all of her tells. Happy New Year 202026 is here. So glad that you're with us. Start the new year off right talking about your relationships. Nobody's got relationships, challenges after the holidays, my goodness. And I'm so glad that you're here talking about your relationships, your mental, emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. Hit the subscribe button. Let's start the new year off right. Hit the subscribe button and let's get after it this year. So grateful that you are with us. Let's go to Washington D.C. and talk to Randy. Hey, Randy. What's up brother?

[Caller Randy]

Hey, Dr. John. How you doing?

[Dr. John Delony]

I'm doing great, man. How are you, man?

[Caller Randy]

Better than I deserve.

[Dr. John Delony]

Excellent, excellent. What's up?

[Caller Randy]

Yeah, I'm really grateful that you took my, took my question. I'm calling my, my wife and I, we've been together for almost 16 years now. Married for a little over 12, almost 13. We have been absolute best friends from the start. And yeah, I've got three kids from a previous marriage. She has a daughter that I had in my life since she was one year old. She's about 16 now. We are a happy family. A couple short months ago I uncovered an affair and literally and figuratively brought me to my knees. The recovery process from that, you know, I spent the next two, close to three months I initiated the separation. I still was not very sure of which direction we wanted to go. However, I knew that I absolutely love this woman. After a whole lot of kind of ups and downs, I decided to sit down with my wife and talk about reconciliation as she was literally begging me to stay married and that we can continue forward. She showing all the guilt, the remorse, everything that comes with the affair. So we decided, yeah, let's give it another shot. Since then, even prior then, I've been seeing my own counselor, she's been seeing her own counselor and we've been seeing a Gottman trained marriage counselor since that reconciliation. It's been approximately three months and we are super solid. Everything is going just absolutely well. There's a lot of reconnection. It's all very safe, very healthy. But just recently, within about the past three weeks, I stumbled across something that I don't, I don't have any explanation for what happened. Well said.

[Dr. John Delony]

You're circling the Clouds, like with your airplane?

[Caller Randy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

Land right in the middle of it. Dude.

[Caller Randy]

I'll get to the point. The way that I uncovered the affair.

[Dr. John Delony]

Don't care. What did you find? What'd you find?

[Caller Randy]

I found a couple of pictures of her topless.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay.

[Caller Randy]

That I have never seen before in my life.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay.

[Caller Randy]

I look at the file data. I know the timeline of when these pictures were taken. I know exactly where I was. These were never sent to me during that timeline. We didn't have any spicy talk over the phone. You know, I was home every night.

[Dr. John Delony]

Sure. Is this, is this after your reconciliation or just in the past?

[Caller Randy]

The pictures were taken six years ago.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay.

[Caller Randy]

And during that time frame, we, we had a good, strong marriage.

[Dr. John Delony]

Hold on. I, I, I need to challenge you on something. Is that cool?

[Caller Randy]

Yeah, man.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay. If you go back and listen to the first minute and a half of us talking, you've told me that this is your best friend. Y had an amazing life together. You've got this amazing three kids of your own and this amazing daughter that you have raised. Amazing, awesome, wonderful, amazing. Great. You will not be able to move forward until you are honest that none of that was true.

[Caller Randy]

Ouch.

[Dr. John Delony]

Best friends don't knife the person in the same bed with them.

[Caller Randy]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

Best friends don't cheat. Best friends don't start a reconciliation process and don't fully come clean with how deep this their dissatisfaction, their own challenges, their own affairs. All that stuff has happened.

[Caller Randy]

Can I add a little context for you?

[Dr. John Delony]

Yeah.

[Caller Randy]

My wife was raised very, very well. She had tremendous morals. This is a woman that never lied to me, never lied to her mother. The only thing that she learned how to do a couple of months ago is learn how to lie. She didn't learn how to lie well. She just learned how to lie. And when I did uncover the affair, I got a little bit of a background in this. I interrogated her, and it was specifically so I could see what tells she has, and it worked. I know every one of her tells. So since I have not questioned her yet about these pictures, I kind of have to, like, I feel obligated to give the benefit of the doubt because perhaps, perhaps even though I use the duck analogy, perhaps there is a logical explanation. I don't know what that is. You know, or perhaps.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

All right, man. Are you an interrogator for a living?

[Caller Randy]

No, former life.

[Dr. John Delony]

Former life. All right. I grew up in the home of a homicide detective, okay. Who is also a SWAT hostage negotiator. Okay. Being interrogated is in my DNA. I also worked student conduct for 20 years. I've been interrogating people my entire career. Okay, you and I both know that the number one barrier for a good interrogator is their own ego.

[Caller Randy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And their belief that they have a superior detection system than anybody else. I promise you, with all that I am, brother, you do not, quote, unquote, know all of her tells. And you're needing to believe that is preventing you from feeling the reality of the situation. Not knowing it. Feeling it.

[Caller Randy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

I was raised with impeccable morals and I was a world class liar. You know why? Because A, I had to be. And B, I was surrounded by a world class interrogator.

[Caller Randy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

So the greatest gift you can give to yourself right now is to say these terrifying words, I missed it. And if you will metabolize that, then you'll have to do the scary work, which is, I thought I was a guy that knew her and I didn't.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And then you'll have to say, if I can't trust me, then who can I trust? And that's a scary thing on the back end of an affair is, is, yes, people lose trust in their spouse, but there's a deeper trust loss in yourself. I should have seen it.

[Caller Randy]

Right?

[Dr. John Delony]

And bro, if you can get there and I, I, I'm, I'm literally thinking of you opening your hands instead of clenching them tighter. You're perhaps, perhaps is you squeezing every. Your hands are squeezed together so tight, your hands are turning white, your fingers are turning white. Perhaps. You know what? Perhaps you're right. But the evidence in front of you, to use investigator language is probably not.

[Caller An]

Fair.

[Dr. John Delony]

And this is me talking to a guy. I'm telling you this because I love you.

[Caller Randy]

It's fair. Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

The greatest gift is not thinking. I solved this because for a person who is linked up with somebody who thinks they know all the this is and that's and this isn't, that is, once I, once I can get around that system, I can get around anything.

[Caller Randy]

Right.

[Dr. John Delony]

And that is unfathomably terrifying. The greatest investigators that I've spent time with, the ones who do this at like, the high, high, high level are ones who regularly say, I don't.

[Caller Randy]

Yeah, I'm kind of faced with this challenge. We did have really, really deep conversations over this past couple of weeks. You know, I told her exactly why I did what I did when I confronted her about the affair. You know, I told her, I interrogated you. I did that for a reason. All things considered, I wouldn't have done it any differently. I don't want to interrogate her again. So I'm kind of playing scenarios out here on how I actually do approach this. You know, our marriage counselor has been, you know, I've been on his back about trust building. How do I build trust? And really, everything kind of boils down to. I've been told a lot of things. I've heard the whole transparency. Everybody's got everybody's passwords. Well, I threw my passwords out freely, willingly. I was like, please check everything. I don't care. I've got nothing to hide. My wife was reluctant to do that at first, but, you know, I told her, look, I get a vote. You know, I use your words. I get a vote in this. This is what I want. And she's been pretty dang transparent, you know, trying to fix what was broken. You know, here I am. I've been away from home for about three weeks now, and, you know, I call.

[Dr. John Delony]

Why. Why are you not on a plane back to sit in front of her?

[Caller Randy]

You know, I. I go by my individual counselor, and this is my job, and I get it. I understand the relationship between job and family. You know, I was in the military for 21 years, which ultimately cost me my first marriage. Well, no, me being in the military did not cost me my marriage. However, this is how I put food on the table. This is how I got you.

[Dr. John Delony]

But do you not get Saturday and Sunday off?

[Caller Randy]

I'm clear across the globe. Yeah. I'm across the pond. It's not that easy.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay, that's fair.

[Caller Randy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

Here's what I'm going to tell you. You're going to be a shell of yourself by the time you get back.

[Caller Randy]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm. I'm preparing for that.

[Dr. John Delony]

And you're running. You are ruminating. What you're doing feels like productive thinking. It is not.

[Caller Randy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

Your room. You are creating stories that then you have to solve, which create new stories with which you have to solve. You. Your car is stuck in mud, and you have your foot jammed on the gas, and you're listening to the RPMs go up and you feel like you're moving, you're not going anywhere. You're just digging a deeper hole.

[Caller Randy]

Hit the nail on the head right there.

[Dr. John Delony]

So until you exhale and stop having imaginary conversations in your head and running scenarios in your head, and by the way, that's how you were trained. Think of every contingency. Get as many unknown unknowns off the table as possible. That is in your DNA. And I honor that it doesn't work in a marriage.

[Caller Randy]

Yeah, been figuring that one out.

[Dr. John Delony]

It's all. It's all good. I mean, you're just doing. Here's what you're doing. You love her so much and you love the life y' all have created. And let's even go one step deeper. You've dedicated your whole life to trying to love people.

[Caller Randy]

Well, yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And keep people safe and do the next right thing. That's your whole life. But you know as well as I do that green camo doesn't work in the desert. And so you're opening up your toolkit and you're just putting on. You're grabbing the tools that, you know, an interrogation never works in reconnection.

[Caller Jay]

Right.

[Dr. John Delony]

Because it lifts you into the higher chair. And, you know, one of the great interrogation techniques is for the interrogator to have a higher chair.

[Caller Randy]

Yes.

[Dr. John Delony]

That's what it does. And it doesn't bring connection, it brings punishment. And if you have a woman who spent her whole life just following the rules, that meant she also knew the way around the rules.

[Caller Jay]

Right.

[Dr. John Delony]

And there's nothing more terrible. Go ahead.

[Caller Randy]

I don't feel responsible having given her the means and the opportunity to have an affair behind my back while I'm.

[Dr. John Delony]

No, no, no, no, no, no. She made choices. She made grown up choices.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Caller Randy]

I'm absolutely clear of that responsibility. And I've got a level head on that one. And she has done her part in taking full accountability for it all.

[Dr. John Delony]

Awesome.

[Caller Jay]

Right.

[Dr. John Delony]

But here's the thing.

[Caller Randy]

Seriously, she's done a great job. Maybe, maybe, maybe. And so I have given her several opportunities. And not because I had any doubt, but I gave several opportunities. You know, like, if there is anything else from the past that I need to know about, it's really good idea to get ahead of the truth. And, you know, at this point, maybe it just becomes a discussion or, you know, we go back to a dark place and figure things out. And that's kind of still where I'm sitting at here. Depending on the severity, if I get the truth that I am kind of leaning more towards, where do I go from there? I can't sit here and tell you that I'm decided on that. We just have a good discussion and talk to our marriage counselor.

[Dr. John Delony]

Of course. Of course not. Of course not. But what you're trying to do is you're trying to assume her answer A and then your contingency plan, and then assume her answer B and then a contingency plan, and you've got Your fingers held tightly around her potential answer number three. And you've got a contingency plan. And what I'm telling you is the path forward for reconciliation here is open handedness. And that's terrifying. And you're in a, you're in a tough spot, dude, because these things are best had face to face. And you can't have that. But I don't have this conversation yet. But I wonder what it would be like to exhale and say, I shouldn't have interrogated you as a means to regain power in this relationship. I should have wept because I loved you and I gave you my whole life. I didn't see this one coming. And I'm not going to interrogate you, but I just found these photos and they're marked six years ago and you never sent these to me. And right now I'm just heartbroken. And it sounds strange, man, but I'm wondering if you wouldn't feel infinitely more free after that conversation. You wouldn't feel better, but would you feel free?

[Caller Randy]

You know, I felt free once with the whole affair situation. Yeah, I had. When I had finally come to a.

[Caller An]

Decision.

[Caller Randy]

You know, with me being out of town. I was gone for about two months and I'm actively throwing out the bids for attention. I'm trying to see where she's at in this process. And I was getting absolutely zero reciprocation. Two, three days before I actually got home. There was conversation, you know, text conversation between us. I can't remember the details, but it was enough to put me over the line. And I said, you know what? I'm done. I'm done. My tank is empty. I'm done. When I get home, I'll go ahead and take care of filing. For whatever reason, I'm still not sure myself. I still had it scheduled for her to pick me up from the airport. And here I am on the plane home and I'm thinking, why didn't I just call my brother? What was I thinking? And that was the most uncomfortable hour and a half drive home from the airport with the crying and this can't be real. But that's when I was comfortable. I was set. I felt at peace with myself.

[Dr. John Delony]

You felt at peace in the decision or you felt peace in the groveling?

[Caller Randy]

I felt peace in the decision.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay.

[Caller Randy]

I could have totally gone without the groveling. I didn't want it. I didn't need it.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay, so it wasn't a matter of you finally like you felt like the cosmic teeter totter was balancing a bit.

[Caller Randy]

No, not at all.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay.

[Caller Randy]

I, I was really, absolutely done. And I was so secure in my decision. I was just like, hey, look, let's have a quiet ride home. Been a long trip.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay?

[Caller Randy]

Yeah, I don't want to get on.

[Dr. John Delony]

A plane and come see you.

[Caller Randy]

I'm sorry.

[Dr. John Delony]

Can she get on a plane and come see you?

[Caller Randy]

No.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay. So, I mean, the, the, the, the, the honesty is. This is going to be hard. It's going to be hard whether you have to navigate this over zoom. And I. Ah, man, being gone seven more months with no physical contact is going to be really, really hard. I don't know if you can take a leave of some sort. I, I mean, I don't know, man. That's hard and it sounds cheesy, but right now, let your body be your guide. Where do you find peace? Where do you find peace? Sorry, my man. I hate this for you, dude. I really do. Thanks for the call. Took a lot of courage for you to call and I'm grateful we come back. A woman feeling like she's the only one involved in being a parent in her household doesn't know what to do next. All right. The holidays are coming to a screeching halt. What a chaotic zoo that was. I ran myself ragged with traveling and events and just doing thing after thing after thing. And I'm hearing from you all and most of you did the same thing. And if you're like me, I can't wait to take some time and unwind to recover from my holiday season in my cozy Earth sheets. Cozy Earth sheets keep me cozy without being too cold and without overheating. I sleep several degrees cooler. They're perfect for snuggling on winter nights and waking up refreshed to get after it the next morning. And Cozy Earth's bubble cuddle blanket. I didn't name it, but I'll tell you this. It's amazing. It's like a giant teddy bear. It's great for family movie night or for falling asleep in front of a football game you don't really care that much about. It makes every day feel like a special occasion. Cozy Earth sheets and blankets are one way that you can help yourself and your loved ones relax and make home the best part of your life. And as always, cozy Earth products come with 100 night sleep trial. Try them out. If you don't love them, you can just ship them back hassle free. But I'm telling you, you're not going to want to. Just head to cozy earth.com and use code DeLoney for up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozy. Co z y cozyearth.com DeLoney use code DeLoney Hey, I love the holidays. Holidays for my family include a lot of travel and a lot of chaos. And with that travel and chaos comes a lot of late nights. And then with all of that, it can be hard to wind down and get good sleep. Almost nothing feels better than coming home from a week or two on the road and falling asleep on my amazing Helix mattress. My whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses. Me, my wife, my kids, and we all love coming home to go to sleep. I. I even have Helix mattresses in the guest room. And when people come over and crash at my house, they always want to know about this amazing mattress they're sleeping on. Helix mattresses are that incredible. And here's why. Helix makes mattresses for real people, not generic average sleepers. Whether you sleep hot, cold, on your side, on your back, whatever, Helix customizes the mattress to you and your sleep style. I took their sleep quiz. I got online. It takes like two minutes. And I want you to get online and take it, too. They're going to match you with the perfect mattress just for you. And right now, my audience can get an exclusive 20% off site wide. This is an amazing purchase for you and your family heading into the new year. Go to helix sleep.com deloney for 20% off everything you purchase. That's Helix H E L I x helix sleep.com deloney and tell them you heard about it right here on this show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right. Appleton, Wisconsin. Wisconsin. Let's talk to An. What's up, An?

[Caller Jay]

Hi.

[Caller An]

Hi, Dr. John. I love your show.

[Dr. John Delony]

I love you. How are you? How are you doing?

[Caller An]

Well, I'm doing pretty good. I mean, other than the little issue that I have.

[Dr. John Delony]

When someone calls the show and says I have a little issue, it's never a little issue. What's up?

[Caller An]

No, it's not. I'll get started. So my husband and I have been married for about three years and he has a stepdaughter. My kids are all adults, and I've been raising his stepdaughter. He's never home. He has a. He works, he's in a band. He goes out all the time, or he likes to sleep. And there's no, you know, when I try to talk to him about these things, he just doesn't. I don't know, he just doesn't understand or he doesn't grasp with what I'm Seeing, I mean, we've been to a counselor, we've done all this. There was a huge custody battle with his ex wife just recently, and he fought for more time, but he's not taking that time to spend with her. And it makes me more angry because I feel like when I was going through the divorce, my kids think it as much attention as I'm giving his daughter now. And I know she is my daughter too.

[Dr. John Delony]

No, that's good, that's good, that's good. What you just said is good.

[Caller An]

You know, and I. Sorry.

[Dr. John Delony]

No, don't be sorry.

[Caller An]

I wasn't, I wasn't able to give my kids what I'm giving her now because my ex husband was very controlling and I went from one extreme to another. Like, he doesn't care if I'm gone anywhere. Like, there's just no.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay, so let's get, let's get to the, let's get to the real target here. Can we go right to the bullseye?

[Caller An]

Yeah, go right.

[Dr. John Delony]

You're married to a man that you simply do not respect.

[Caller An]

And that's how it feels right now.

[Dr. John Delony]

That's not how it feels. That's how it is.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

Because you're married to a man who went to war for more time. And he doesn't want to see his own daughter.

[Caller Jay]

No.

[Dr. John Delony]

And if we're honest, let's take her out of the equation. This the sweet daughter. He doesn't want to see you.

[Caller Jay]

No, no.

[Caller An]

I. I have to argue with him and then he makes, Makes it into like a joke, you know, he's like, I love you. You know that.

[Dr. John Delony]

But no, behavior is a language. He's very clear that he loves not being at home more than he loves being. Being with you.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

Yeah.

[Caller An]

And it's just, you know, like, he's like, well, we need money, so I need to work. You know, there's always an excuse. Yeah, Always. Always.

[Dr. John Delony]

I'll sit here with you for a second.

[Caller An]

Yeah. I don't know what else, you know, what other things I could do.

[Dr. John Delony]

I mean, the real pain here is that this is happening again.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And when it happens with a terrible first husband, it's easy to say it's them. And then it happens again with a different fun loving, super exciting, hangs out, smiles all the time, musician, whatever. Now it's happening again. It's hard not to look in the mirror and say what's wrong with me.

[Caller An]

Yeah, I do that every day.

[Dr. John Delony]

I know. I'm sorry.

[Caller An]

I mean, I, you know, I'm always constantly thinking, you know, do I need to do different. I know reality. I probably don't need to change much.

[Dr. John Delony]

I'm sorry.

[Caller An]

You know what I love? I love my stepdaughter. Like, I love her like a daughter.

[Dr. John Delony]

It's not about her. It's not about her. It's happening again.

[Caller An]

Yeah. I mean, should I. Should I walk away or should I keep fighting?

[Dr. John Delony]

I mean, hey, I'm never going to tell any. You got to own that choice. I can't. I can't be the person who gives you permission to do the next hard, hard thing.

[Caller An]

I know I should.

[Dr. John Delony]

You know, hearing your story, he's already walked away. He just hasn't moved out yet.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And maybe that's the language. I would not do what I do if I have not seen incredible marriages rise out of ash. But it takes two people choosing owning. We chose misery, and then now choosing that we can own something awesome.

[Caller An]

And that's what I want. I want to choose something awesome. I want things to be great.

[Dr. John Delony]

And so I think for you, taking a bit of time to drill down as specifically as possible.

[Caller An]

I mean, I've tried thought about, like, maybe getting enrolled in some more marriage counseling.

[Caller Jay]

No, no, no, no.

[Dr. John Delony]

Not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet.

[Caller An]

Maybe some more individual counseling.

[Dr. John Delony]

No, no, no. You're counseled up right now.

[Caller An]

Yeah. I've seen enough counselors in my lifetime to.

[Dr. John Delony]

I know. You're at a point now where you so lack trust in you.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

That you need somebody else. You need a stranger on a podcast to tell you what's the next move.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And maybe for the first time in your whole life, I want you to own what you want.

[Caller An]

I don't think I've ever been able to do that.

[Dr. John Delony]

I know, But I want you to write down on a piece of paper.

[Caller An]

Okay.

[Dr. John Delony]

I want you home four nights a week, and we can't talk about money issues until we have a budget that we stick to.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And if you look in the mirror and you say, actually, I spend $900 a month on restaurants, you're right. We can both cook dinner together, or we can alternate, or I'll take it all. Like, there's some of that real, But there's putting it down on paper. And here's what's going to be hard about that. When you put it down on paper, about what kind of life do you want, he might look at that and say, I'm not doing that. And that's scary.

[Caller An]

Yeah. Yeah. And then I think he'll turn around and say, like, when do I get to make A list of all the things that, you know, you need to change.

[Dr. John Delony]

Tell them. Bring it on.

[Caller An]

Yeah, but.

[Dr. John Delony]

But hear the language. That's different. We're not writing down a list of all the things he sucks at and that he needs to make different. No, you're simply taking full ownership of you. I want to be married to someone who likes me and wants to be at home.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And by the way, like, let me just give you a picture. In my house. I travel a lot. I was just gone for three nights running a marriage retreat here in Nashville. And can I tell you, the very next morning, I got in a car and I drove to Chicago, Illinois, to headline a comedy show at a. In a comedy club. All right. So my wife even knew me well enough to know that after three weeks, three days of intensive marriage, mental health, emotional health, I want my husband home so bad. And the greatest gift I can give the next two months is to encourage him to go do something silly and tell some crazy jokes in front of a packed house.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And so it's not all about, like. You don't want a guy who's a musician to never go out and play music.

[Caller An]

Oh, no.

[Dr. John Delony]

Right.

[Caller An]

I would never.

[Dr. John Delony]

I know. And so it's not a matter of I need you. It is deeper than that. You would probably be really happy if he played music with his buddies one night and then hung out with his buddies another night.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

But when you are home the other five nights, I want you fully here and no phones and playing games around the table. Boring family stuff. Why? Because I want somebody who will let me love them. I want to feel like I'm the most important person in somebody's world.

[Caller An]

Yeah. That's what I need.

[Dr. John Delony]

I know. And God help this little girl.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

His daughter.

[Caller An]

Yeah. I really.

[Dr. John Delony]

But I. But I. I don't want you. If you look back on your just. And again, I'm spitballing here, but I'm just taking some of the words you used. You have a pattern, probably since you were a kid, of outsourcing your next move and outsourcing blame. And I don't want this girl to become the next thing.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

I want you to own. I miss my husband.

[Caller An]

Yeah. Been like that all my life.

[Dr. John Delony]

I know. And. And I'm giving my wife credit. She knows that. A night at the comedy club fills me up. It doesn't take me away. You get the difference.

[Caller An]

Yeah. I mean, we. He has band practices here, and then he has his gigs, and then it's just so much.

[Dr. John Delony]

But you. Every spouse can Tell the difference. But I can tell when she goes to her book club meetings. Like, it's not to escape her home. It's to completely set her insides on fire and fill her up.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And that is why I love it when she's goes and does those things. I don't love it that she's gone. I love she's doing those things. But I think it's beneath the band practice. Doesn't sound like he's building towards something. It sounds like he's avoiding everything.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And now he's got a. He's got a living babysitter and a living chef. It's the best of both worlds. Dude.

[Caller An]

I kind of stopped cooking. Like, I'm not doing that anymore. I know that sounds.

[Dr. John Delony]

Well, no, it makes sense, but it's not helpful.

[Caller An]

No, I know it's not helpful because.

[Dr. John Delony]

Then it confirms the story he's telling himself, which is she doesn't. Or she's always. Or. Right.

[Caller An]

Yeah, I guess that's probably right.

[Dr. John Delony]

It just gets into a dance where he plays three gigs one week, and then you're like, well, screw you, then. I'm here with your daughter. I'm not even cooking for you. And he gets home, and he's like, see, even on a crazy week, I get home and I get punished for it. So I'm gonna book a fourth gig next week. You're like, oh, well, then I'm not doing it. Just gets in a weird dance.

[Caller An]

And that. That may be it.

[Dr. John Delony]

And that's why you hear me say all the time on the show, somebody's got to turn the music off and turn the lights on. And that always starts with being really specific. And even if you go first and say, I'm finding myself trying to punish you for being gone, which I get, makes you want to be gone more. I'm not doing that anymore because I don't want to be a person who punishes.

[Caller An]

You know, that's a really different way to look at it.

[Dr. John Delony]

There's. There's. There is a way you can say, I need. I need, I need. And what you're doing is you're taking your autonomy and dumping it in his gig bag.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

Or you can look at him and say, I want you, and I miss you. And I know music's important to you. I know work's important to you. I know this little girl's important to you. But I want to be important to you above and beyond all of all that. His daughter's a separate thing. But I want you to want to Be here. And you have to be reflective. Have I contributed to a world where I could see him not wanting to be around?

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And then you get in a chicken or egg context, and at some point, it doesn't matter. I'm going to change the way I do what I do. I'm not going to become a person I don't want to become just because of you.

[Caller An]

That is.

[Caller Randy]

That is good.

[Caller An]

It's good advice.

[Dr. John Delony]

I'm gonna send you all three decks of Questions for humans, for couples.

[Caller An]

Oh, my God. That would be so fabulous.

[Dr. John Delony]

I just want to get. I just want to get to Austin you the intimacy deck, too. That's four of them. That's when I get to know you. And by the way, knowing never stops. My wife and I have been through those decks, like, 20 times, and I learned new things because it changes.

[Caller An]

Yeah. I feel like I have so much to talk about, but I don't have anybody to talk to.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay.

[Caller An]

You know, I.

[Dr. John Delony]

So look at your husband and say, I am lonely.

[Caller Jay]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

Or look at your husband the next time he says, I got a gig. And you say, well, actually, I'm going to hang out with my girlfriends because I'm a woman that has friends, and I'm a woman that goes and gets filled up with my friends. So I can come here and be the person that I want to be at my house.

[Caller An]

Yeah. I do that now. I mean, and a lot of times I go to the. The gigs and I watch them, and I have friends that are there. It's just, you know.

[Dr. John Delony]

But it's lonely.

[Caller An]

Yeah. Because he's always playing and we're not actually dancing together.

[Dr. John Delony]

Exactly.

[Caller An]

Right. Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

Yes. And so it's you taking ownership and choosing. I'm not going to become somebody I don't want to be. And in order to create an environment where I can more often than not be the person I want to be, here's what must be true. When I go to your gigs, I'm alone. Nuh. Susan's there and Billy's there. I know, but I want to be with you. And you need to get a babysitter for your daughter, because I'm gonna go be with so and so. I need somebody here to watch her. I know you went to court for more time. Cool. And on and on and on. Thank you for the call, sister. I think for the first time, I want you to, like, picture yourself. Close your eyes as you start to write. And picture yourself growing. Standing up tall and growing six feet. See the shadow with your eyes closed. Come out from your now, you know, 14 foot body or 13 foot body. I want you to grow tall and then say, as for me inside my own home, here's who I'm going to be. Write that stuff down and then invite him in. Here's who I want us to be. Who do you want to be? And that's the point of connection. Also, hang on the line. I'm going to give you some some the free marriage app. It's one thing you can each do for each other. It's called Together. You can get in the Apple Store. It's one thing that you can do for each other. Every day it'll text you something and it will get to learn you over time. What's one thing you can do every day to slowly lean back together and find each other. Thanks for the call, sister. Man, it's hard. We come back, A man asks if it's fair to tell his partner that he's losing attraction to her because she's been neglecting her health. This show is sponsored by Better Help. I want to talk about traditions. Traditions are things you do every week or every year. And they can be great or they can be a heavy obligation. The holiday season is a great time to reflect on holiday traditions, the valuable ones and the not so valuable ones, and even the painful ones. Therapy can give you space to think about the old traditions that may not be serving you anymore and consider how you might create new ones. And if you're thinking about therapy this holiday season, I want you to call my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists and they're one of the leading online therapy providers in the world. They're trusted by millions. They have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. And BetterHelp is totally online, so it's easy to fit into your busy holiday schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can change at any time for no extra cost. This month, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp H E L P.com/ DeLoney all right. Louisville, Kentucky. Louisville. LOL, Kentucky. Let's talk to Jay. What's up, Jay?

[Caller Jay]

How are you doing today? Dr. John doing good, brother.

[Dr. John Delony]

How about you?

[Caller Jay]

I'm doing just about as good as I could, you know.

[Dr. John Delony]

There you go. What's up?

[Caller Jay]

I've been dealing with this feeling for a little while now. Me and my ladies. One year was just on the 1st, and.

[Dr. John Delony]

Oh, you're a lady. I thought you said ladies plural. And I was like, dang, me and my ladies.

[Caller Jay]

No, me and my lady. Well, my question is married or dating? We were dating. Yeah. We've only been together for a year, so. Yeah, you've been dating for a year.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay, cool.

[Caller Jay]

But we do live with each other.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay.

[Caller Jay]

And we moved in very fast. I'd like to mention that. But anyway, my question is how? Not necessarily. Yeah, well, I'm losing attraction traction, John.

[Dr. John Delony]

I don't know. Say it out loud. Just say it. Say it.

[Caller Jay]

She eats poorly, does not take care of her body. She gaining weight and I'm losing attraction. Of course, John, say it.

[Caller Randy]

She is.

[Caller Jay]

She has gained weight.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay. How much?

[Caller Jay]

So she's always been slightly larger lady, and I was okay with that. She knows it's different for me. I've always been with generally athletic and skinnier ladies. Okay. And so it is new to me. But anyway, she's gained probably 20 pounds. I want to say maybe 30.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay, so are you lose. Are you losing attraction to her because she's a bigger woman? Are you losing attraction to her because the person you started dating early on, you're watching that person. Is this a physical thing or is this an emotional thing? Or is it a combination?

[Caller Jay]

Going to be a bowl.

[Dr. John Delony]

Tell me about the emotional part.

[Caller Jay]

So. It's so upsetting to me. I'll be honest.

[Dr. John Delony]

Just let it rip.

[Caller Jay]

I don't know.

[Caller An]

It's just.

[Caller Jay]

I can't stand seeing somebody that I love so dearly just neglect themselves. Because I know what it does. I've seen what it does over time. And I'm. I will say I'm slightly a health buff. I take care of myself. I do. I play sports. I do all this stuff. And I just. I would like for her to be able to do the thing with me. And I know it's hard for her to do it, and she doesn't want to do it because she feels embarrassed to do it because of her size.

[Caller An]

And it's.

[Caller Jay]

I don't know how far. How much I can really say in regards to. Not kind of vulgarities, not very vulgar, vulgar, but you know what I mean. I don't know how far I can say it, but sex is not the same anymore. I. I do enjoy it. I've always enjoyed it. And I know she has as well, but it's. I can't, John. This is one of the prettiest women I've ever met and seen in my life. And to see that face and then I don't. This is gonna sound so terrible, but it's not meaning. And that in that it's not meant to be derogatory. I'm not trying to be mean. I don't want to push my lady down ever. But it's just the way I think. It's where I feel. I just. I can't stand to see her body that way. It bothers me. That's it.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay. Is it that you can't stand to see her body that way because it's now got 20 extra pounds on it? Or is the person that she knows she's becoming causes her to shield herself from you, to not be as open with you, to hide from you, and it's. That is creating that cycle where you start to chase and you start to be like, well, you know, if you just. Which then sends her to a deeper shame spiral. And for her, the, the false comfort at the bottom of a shame spiral is more food. Or is it simply when I see her now, I'm no longer physically attracted to her.

[Caller Jay]

I think it's going to be the first one. That one, definitely. It almost hit the nail on the head. I don't. She's not. I don't know how to explain.

[Dr. John Delony]

Let me say, like, Let me say like this. Let's take, let's take her off because you're. I know what you're. You're trying to be careful to not say, yeah, my girlfriend has gained a bunch of weight and I' losing attraction to her. Okay. Okay, you are not crazy. And I don't think you're an evil person. Okay. You're attracted to who you're attracted to. But what I'm trying to get to the bottom of that attraction can be very shallow.

[Caller Randy]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And if you are a guy, of which there are millions of them, that when their partner ages like a normal body, that you're not going to be content with that aesthetically, I'm going to tell you to be an honorable person and let this sweet woman go. If. Because this is going to show up with wrinkles, it's going to show up with gray hair, this is going to show up with, with, with pregnancy scars, it's going to show up all over the place. And if that's who you are, then get out of the dating pool. So how can I help you?

[Caller Jay]

Well, we, we have spoken about this and she's. She is trying to work with me. She Wants to go. She's been going to the gym. I just. I don't want to nitpick. I'm having that issue of. Because. So just this morning, she text me, she said, I went and got me a coffee. I deserved it. And my mom. What immediately came into my mind, well, what did you do to deserve it? But then again, I remembered she's at home taking care of things that she does not. It's not obligated to take care of things that I happen to mess up at home. And she had. She was taking care of it. So, yeah, maybe she did deserve it. But it's just so conflicting. It's so weird. And I don't know how to wrap my mind about it, around about it, how I think it's lack of discipline is what is bothering me because that's the way I grew up. She grew up very differently. She grew up in a very loosey goosey house. And I grew up in a very strict and honest and truthful household. And I think a part of it is just being that discipline of saying, hey, I don't need to eat like this. I don't need to drink like this. I don't need to get a coffee every day, Every day of the week that, you know, it's not healthy. And it's. I think that's another thing that's bothering me, and I don't want to be like, hey, you don't deserve. You don't deserve that drink. Because, no, that's how she. That's how she'll take it. I just don't know how to voice it to her. Hey, maybe a coffee a day is not healthy. No, it's. It's one of these. It's not just a normal coffee, like a normal.

[Dr. John Delony]

I know. I got you. It's like those frappuccino things. Yeah, I got you. I got you. I got you. How old are you?

[Caller Jay]

I'm 21.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay.

[Caller Jay]

He is 20.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay. So this is. I'm gonna say this, and it's gonna sound mean and derogatory. I want you to hear exactly how I'm saying it.

[Caller Randy]

Okay, sure. Of course.

[Dr. John Delony]

All right. You're at the age when you begin to realize a couple of different things.

[Caller Randy]

Okay.

[Dr. John Delony]

Number one, the way you did Christmas growing up is away, not the way. Okay. Number two, the same things that you pride yourself on are probably the things that you had to do to survive in your house. Okay.

[Caller Jay]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

So the things that you're most proud of that you do. I never miss a workout. I don't my, my body fat is 6% and I never need a coffee, I would tell you is probably the things that little nine year old kid inside of your chest wishes he could just have an ice cream cone every once in a while.

[Caller Jay]

That's exactly it.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay. And so often when there's an exchange, and this is going to sound dramatic and it's going to sound like I'm getting all political, I'm not. When you feel yourself feeling powerful, that is often the thing your body trying to protect you from, the thing you're most scared about inside your own chest.

[Caller Jay]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay. And so strangely, I would say, thank God y' all found each other because I need somebody in my life like my wife who keeps a schedule and who pays bills every month and she needs somebody at nine o' clock to say, hey, I just got tickets last second, we're going to this concert, let's go.

[Caller An]

Oh, right.

[Caller Jay]

That's it.

[Dr. John Delony]

And so the beauty is you will never change somebody's health habits if they feel like they're doing it out of a place of shame or out of a place of obligation. People will change their health habits when they realize I am worth feeling. Good.

[Caller Jay]

Yeah. And John, I've, I've. I will say I've been on the other end of the spectrum in regards to weight, of course, I used to be overweight.

[Dr. John Delony]

That's right. And so, you know, here's the thing. You know, the pain that she feels and this sounds hard to hear, she has not asked you for your help.

[Caller Jay]

Yeah, I know.

[Dr. John Delony]

And there's nothing worse than loving somebody and ha. Having the answer in your, in your pocket. Right?

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And they don't want it. The deeper question is, how can I love you today?

[Caller Jay]

I love her every day, John.

[Dr. John Delony]

I, I'm not, I'm not talking about in an ethos.

[Caller Jay]

Okay.

[Dr. John Delony]

I'm talking about letting her speak into how she wants to be loved. And vice versa, of course. And so for you, it's less about I deserve a Frappuccino, a 1400 calorie drink that cost $9. We don't have. That's not the issue, that's the symptom. The issue is we don't have a shared purpose with our money. We don't have a shared purpose with our health goals.

[Caller Jay]

Exactly.

[Dr. John Delony]

And so let's get to the bottom of shared purpose, shared values. And I'll also tell you this is an offensive way to say this. I know, it's okay. But when you're 21 and 20 and you're playing House, neither of you have a reason to anchor into the other person.

[Caller Jay]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John Delony]

Because you both still have a foot out the door.

[Caller Jay]

Yeah, we both spoke about that, actually, the other night. Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

And so maybe tonight you sit down and say, hey, I've talked to you about what you're eating. I've talked to you about the right workout plan. I've talked to you about you need to get out and play sports with me. And I've communicated it to you in a way that makes you think. I think you need to do all that stuff because I think you're fat. And that's wrong.

[Caller Jay]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Delony]

I missed the spark in the eyes of that girl I met when she was 19. I missed the girl who was alive and laughing and so full of confidence and beauty radiated from the inside out.

[Caller An]

Yeah.

[Caller Jay]

You put it that way, it's.

[Dr. John Delony]

How can I love and find that girl again? And maybe if you hold her hands and say, honey, I'm Gonna love you £60 from now, but I want to be a part of finding that girl again. And I think I may have dimmed your light. And I'm sorry.

[Caller Jay]

I did. I did, John.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay. You coming at her with that type of honesty and vulnerability, which, by the way, no man in your life has ever modeled for you. It's all new. Yeah, it's all right. But the way you solve problems is with calories and workout plans and activities. Cool. For some people, that. That list is just shame on top of shame on top of shame.

[Caller Jay]

I agree.

[Dr. John Delony]

I get from your voice that you love this girl sideways. Is that fair?

[Caller Jay]

Beyond that, of course.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay, number one, let her know that. Number two, you get to have seasons of not being attracted to each other. That's life.

[Caller Jay]

Of course.

[Caller Randy]

Of course.

[Dr. John Delony]

Number three, if you outsource all that to pornography or something, you're going to blow your house up. Number four, take a knee in front of this woman that you love and say, I messed this up, man. I was trying to tell you I love you with the only tools I have, which are crush it, kill it, and drag it home. And. There's another way.

[Caller Randy]

Okay?

[Dr. John Delony]

I want you to feel good. And I want to see the light in the eyes of that girl that I fell in love with. Will you make a budget with me? For God's sakes.

[Caller Jay]

She's been haggling me about doing that.

[Dr. John Delony]

Okay. Being grown. Be a grown up. If you're gonna play a house, be a grown man.

[Caller Jay]

Yeah, I know. It's. That's me. That's. That's what I need. To do because I mean more than what I should.

[Dr. John Delony]

Well, here's the deal. You ask her, how can I love you? And then say to her, I want to tell you how you can love me. Be honest, be reflective. Here's where I need to grow up. I'm playing house. I'm playing big boy. I need to act like one, like a grown man. I need to take. Be a good steward of my money. I need to sometimes just get up and have a Frappuccino for God's sakes. I need to. Sometimes I need to just go dancing instead of making you go to the volleyball courts. Sometimes I just need to sit on the couch with you and watch a TV show. Dude, I just got to say it, man. I'm proud of you for saying speaking out loud. You had hard stuff to say, but I'm proud of you for having the courage to say it out loud. And I believe you and your guts, man, that this isn't just about aesthetics and attraction. This is about I miss the woman I fell in love with and I think I've contributed to dimming her light. And I want to not do that anymore. I honor that, my brother. Appreciate you. Thanks for the call, man. We'll be right back. I've got three dogs and I love them. And this year I'm committed to being better about taking care of them. All of us who have pets that we love need regular vet care. We need to take care of our pets and it's exhausting trying to find a veterinarian. Get in line. Dutch has got you. Dutch is the leading telehealth service for pets and it gives you 24,7 access to licensed veterinarians. Dutch can treat over 150 common pet conditions and you can get expert care in minutes with no waiting rooms and no long waits. It takes like a 10 minute call from home and you get a treatment plan. A Dutch membership covers up to 5 pets plus unlimited visits, unlimited follow ups and prescriptions. Yeah, that's right. They're shipped for free. And all of this with my code is less than seven bucks a month. This pays for itself so fast because you spend that much to see a vet in an office one time, the average pet owner saves over $800 a year using Dutch. If you have ever felt helpless trying to get care for your pet or your pet carriage is falling through the cracks because of the craziness of your life, Dutch gives you the peace of mind that you've been looking for. Go to Dutch.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney. To get 50 bucks off a year of veterinarian care. That's Dutch-U T C H.com DeLoney. Use code DeLoney. All right, Kelly, am I the problem?

[Caller Cindy]

According to the shirt, no. Yes, you are.

[Dr. John Delony]

She wears that shirt every day now. Every day she wears that shirt.

[Caller Cindy]

Probably will. All right, this is from Cindy in somewhere. She didn't say. All right, from Cindy. And she writes.

[Dr. John Delony]

Glad you read ahead. Just producing the crap out of this show. Good job. Go ahead.

[Caller Cindy]

What happened to New Year, New John?

[Dr. John Delony]

Oh, it's New Year, New Me. I'm no more of this nice guy stuff. I'm so. I'm sick of it.

[Caller Cindy]

Okay, all right. Am I the problem? My grown kids and their spouses come over for meals, which I love. However, they stay way too long and way too late. Am I the problem for wanting to put a time limit on our gatherings?

[Dr. John Delony]

No, you're the problem for not having put a time limit on them. And then they stay too long and then you're mad at them for it. My wife is the best. She's like, everyone's out of my house at 9 o' clock tonight before they come over. And then about 8:50, she goes, Y' all have 10 minutes left. It's awesome. And everybody knows it's the best. And by the way, they probably don't want to stay that long. They're probably like, whenever I go to my mom's house, we have to stay till midnight because she. Yes, you're the problem. Say the boundary. Ta da. What do you think?

[Caller Cindy]

I totally agree. Say, hey, it's work night or whatever.

[Dr. John Delony]

So we're gonna go to bed at 9. Get out of my house.

[Caller Cindy]

We have one of our girlfriends that we know if we go to her house at a girl's night, we're all gonna be gone by nine.

[Dr. John Delony]

That's my wife.

[Caller Cindy]

Or she'll just go upstairs, put her pajamas on, go to bed, leave us sitting here. But we all just know that.

[Dr. John Delony]

Yeah. And I've had that. People at my house, I'm like, hey, y', all lock up. I'm going to bed. Like, just make sure the door's locked. And they literally stay. They'll just like, I don't care. I'm going to bed. I'm tired.

[Caller Cindy]

There's a great SNL skit that has. It's about this candle that you light this. It's like rotting trash. When you're ready for all the people to go home. It's really great.

[Dr. John Delony]

It's awesome. Yes. Just tell people in your life that, that you love. Like, this is when this is over. And that's fantastic. But you can't. You can't get mad and resent people for boundaries you didn't create, for crossing boundaries you didn't, like, create. Go to bed, dude. I'd much rather be with somebody who's full in until 9 o' clock than be with somebody who's mad. I'm there at 11. Love you guys. Bye.