I’ve Been Cheating on My Pregnant Fiancée for Years

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: I’ve Been Cheating on My Pregnant Fiancée for Years
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)
Air Date: January 9, 2026

---

Episode Overview

This episode features three powerful caller segments centered around relationships in crisis, accountability, betrayal, addiction, and the struggle to maintain integrity and connection while facing life’s toughest challenges. Dr. John Delony brings his trademark compassion and directness, helping each caller face not just the problem but their own agency to shape the next steps in healing and growth.

---

Segment 1: Joe’s Confession of Cheating and the Fallout

Topic: Admitting years-long infidelity to a pregnant fiancée
Timestamps: 00:05–18:20

Key Discussion Points

• Joe's Revelation:

  • Joe admits to habitual cheating throughout his three-year relationship; his fiancée is a month pregnant with twins (00:05).
  • All details of his affairs came out recently, triggered by security clearance background checks related to his partner’s government job (01:10, 03:41).
  • After partial disclosure, the truth surfaced, causing severe emotional and physical consequences—Joe’s fiancée had a seizure and was clinically dead for three hours from stress (05:16).

• Ownership and Aftermath:

  • Dr. Delony praises Joe’s ownership while noting how devastating and complicated the situation has become, especially with children on the way and his fiancée’s health at risk (02:26, 06:27).
  • Therapy is underway; Joe started attending sessions after discovering Dr. Delony’s show and recognizes his pattern of pathological lying (02:26).

• Motivation Behind Infidelity:

  • Joe identifies his actions as “coping mechanisms”—numbing pain and lack of self-worth through infidelity and other behaviors like porn use (06:38).
  • Dr. Delony reframes this: it’s not about feeling good, but rather about distraction and not liking the man in the mirror (07:04).

• Accountability and Moving Forward:

  • Dr. Delony emphasizes relentless accountability as the cost of becoming a man worthy of his own respect and one others can rely on (07:42, 08:14).
  • He warns Joe: “You may be through with the past, but the past may not be through with you.” (08:15)

• Rebuilding Trust:

  • The commitment to recommit must be absolute and not about alleviating his own guilt but genuinely choosing to love and protect his partner (09:43–10:30).
  • Deletion of social accounts and transparency are small first steps; rebuilding trust is slow and requires repeated accountability (12:35–13:57).

Notable Quotes

• Dr. John Delony:

  • “Becoming a man that you respect so that others can anchor into you... is going to come with a hellacious amount of accountability here.” (07:42)
  • “Ownership comes at a cost. But it is the next right move.” (17:46)

• Joe:

  • “I want to take responsibility, you know, for everything I’ve done and also for the children coming.” (08:53)

Key Advice for Joe

• Weekly check-ins with his fiancée on rebuilding trust, always allowing her to determine the terms (13:14).
• Radical honesty, even for the smallest slips, and transparency about finances, activities, and intentions (13:58–15:03).
• Active fatherhood and supportive partner behavior are equally critical—showing up for every appointment, demonstrating genuine change (15:05–16:38).
• Understand she may ultimately still not want the relationship, and integrity means allowing that outcome (15:05).

---

Segment 2: Destiny’s Battle with Alcohol in an Unsupportive Marriage

Topic: Trying to stay sober when a spouse continues drinking
Timestamps: 19:45–31:37

Key Discussion Points

• Struggle with Sobriety and Marital Dynamics:

  • Destiny explains her long struggle to stop drinking in a home where her husband has no interest in sobriety (19:57).
  • The couple bonded over drinking; now, Destiny wants to break free and struggles with willpower, temptation, and isolation (20:17–20:36).

• Dr. Delony’s Interventions:

  • Points out that trying to white-knuckle sobriety in a drinking environment will almost always fail (21:00).
  • Stresses that real change starts only if she’s genuinely ready for sobriety and to face potentially hard choices in her marriage (21:08–21:54).

• Enabling Environment and Emotional Cost:

  • Discusses how keeping alcohol in the home is “step zero”—removal is necessary but not sufficient (24:13–24:25).
  • Questions whether the marriage’s “homeostasis” (status quo) is worth defending; prompts Destiny to reflect honestly on her relationship’s true nature (23:18–25:13).

• Next Steps and Support:

  • Delony prescribes immediate action: attend AA meetings (or similar group) starting that night and continue daily for accountability and structure (21:54, 22:01).
  • Encourages Destiny to have an open conversation with her husband, focusing on her need for safety and support, not just on his drinking (25:20–27:57).
  • Advises changing environments—since home is the drinking environment, recognize how significant the challenge is (29:04–29:52).
  • Reminds Destiny to prioritize her wellbeing and that of her son over any attempt to “fix” her husband (29:52–30:20).

Notable Quotes

• Dr. John Delony:

  • “You’re going to fall over every time trying to do that.” (21:00, on willpower alone)
  • “My son needs a fully present mom... even if she has two or three or four years of stumbling and grinding through.” (29:52)

• Destiny:

  • “I deserve it. There you go.” (28:17, affirming her worthiness of sobriety)

Key Advice for Destiny

• Commit fully to recovery, regardless of her husband’s choices.
• Get immediate and daily external support through meetings.
• Change or challenge her home environment to support sobriety.
• Frame open, courageous conversations around her own needs, not her husband’s behavior.

---

Segment 3: Nicole’s Marriage Under Strain from Her Husband’s Business Dream

Topic: Financial, relational, and emotional costs of entrepreneurial risk
Timestamps: 32:49–50:12

Key Discussion Points

• Background and Current Struggle:

  • Nicole describes her husband’s entrepreneurial drive, the financial strain of a young, struggling construction business, and rising debt (33:01–36:48).
  • The couple’s shared debt-free values are eroding under business debt and personal credit card use due to inconsistent income (36:48).

• Conflicting Values and Support:

  • Dr. Delony notes both partners are fighting for “noble” reasons but are letting core values—truth, financial stewardship, mutual decision-making—slide in the process (37:00–38:56).
  • He distinguishes between honoring dreams and failing to face the hard realities of business versus hobby (38:34).

• Communication Gaps and Emotional Fallout:

  • Nicole’s support is often buffered with unspoken fear and unvoiced objections; she hesitated to set clear boundaries for fear of harming her husband’s happiness (39:14–46:06).
  • Both are caught in a dance of trying to keep the other comfortable, leading to resentment, secrecy, and further instability (47:08–47:46).

• Delony’s Framework:

  • Dr. Delony advocates for time-limited entrepreneurial risk, keeping a primary income source while side-building for a clear exit in 12 months (“bounded context”—44:05).
  • Honest, regular conversations are key: share pride in his dedication, admit personal part in past communication breakdowns, lay out real financials together, and refuse to let short-term discomfort prevent vital discussions (47:08–48:35).

Notable Quotes

• Dr. John Delony:

  • “You can be an amazing hard worker, an extraordinary, gifted craftsman, and a terrible business owner.” (40:29)
  • “When you make being an entrepreneur your identity instead of ‘I’ll be a guy who shows up for my family,’ that needs to reemerge as the identity.” (48:35)

• Nicole:

  • “We just keep thinking, well, the next job... it's gonna be great.” (41:55)

Key Advice for Nicole

• Celebrate her husband’s persistence, but confront the hard financial truths as a team.
• Openly admit her role in not expressing boundaries and needs clearly.
• Make “being present and honest” the new standard, even if it produces short-term discomfort.
• Remember that loving, diligent people can still find themselves off course—and that teamwork, not silent endurance, will fix it.

---

Memorable Listener Moment

Timestamps: 51:31–52:49

• A listener shares an impact story: John’s advice to ask grieving people about a loved one and favorite memories is a “game changer” for making authentic connections and honoring both the bereaved and the deceased (51:33).

---

Final Thoughts

This episode shows the complex realities and emotional toll of infidelity, addiction, and financial pressure within relationships. Dr. Delony’s guidance focuses on hard-won honesty, radical accountability, and intentional action—reminding listeners that owning your mistakes is difficult, but the only path forward involves facing pain, building trust brick by brick, and never leaving the table before speaking your truth.

Each call demonstrates that healing and integrity are ongoing processes—not quick fixes—and that emotional safety, whether through AA meetings or honest marital conversations, is essential for real change.

---

For listeners seeking practical relationship, recovery, or mental health advice, this episode is both a cautionary tale and a roadmap to hope.

Transcript

[Joe]

I have been cheating on my fiance for all of our relationship, which has been about three years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does she know? Does she, does she know about your affairs?

[Joe]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Does she know the full extent? What's going on?

[Show Announcer]

This is John with the Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

DeLoney show talking about your marriage, your dating life, your kids, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life where you found. I'm struggling and I don't know the next right move. That's what we're here.

[Show Announcer]

Pull up a seat and we're going.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To figure it out together. Let's go out to Perry Hall, Maryland and talk to Joe. What up, Joe?

[Joe]

Hi, Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How are you, brother?

[Joe]

I am nervous. All the words, all the words.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, man, I'm glad that you're here, brother. Take a big deep breath, dude.

[Joe]

I have been cheating on my fiance for all of our relationship, which has been about three years and we are now expecting twins and it has blown up and we don't know how to move forward.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I want to applaud you for coming out and just saying it. Taking ownership, ma'.

[Nicole]

Am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That tells me that you're actually interested in what's the next right thing to do, right?

[Joe]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Does she know?

[Joe]

Does she. I'm sorry?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does she know about your affairs?

[Joe]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Does she know the full extent?

[Joe]

Yes.

[Show Announcer]

All of it?

[Joe]

All of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. How far along is she in her pregnancy?

[Destiny]

About a month.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so y' all are, y' all are four weeks in, eight weeks pregnant. Where are you?

[Joe]

I would say four weeks pregnant.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, So ask me a specific question, how I can help? Man, we all just sitting there in the ash of a burned down house and what do we do now?

[Joe]

Yeah, I've been, I've actually found your show about four weeks ago when this all blew up and yeah, I've actually signed up for Better Health and I've been talking to a therapist for that amount of time and found that I've been lying to myself and having dysfunction. Functional pathological lying, habitual lying and trying to get out of that. So I, I believe I've been, I'm taking the next right step. It's just trying to, I want to give you a little bit of a timeline. This kind of all blew up and September 19th and I had the, the, the largest, like the worst wake up call ever, that this is wrong. So that time was when I, I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Shoot, just say it, ma'. Am.

[Joe]

It. I ended up. She works for a government agency that I can't name. And so she has you know, she gets thoroughly background checked, and because I am with her, I also get thoroughly checked. So that being said, I applied for the Secret Service and had done all the things and had gotten to the point of the polygraph. Took the polygraph and admitted to a lot of things in that polygraph. And on the 9th, I think it was either the 19th or before. I knew she was about to go into her meeting for her security clearance, and I knew that they were going to discuss me, and so I called her two days before then and I told her what happened.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why'd you call her instead of showing up in person?

[Joe]

I. I'm not entirely sure, except that I knew that I needed to say it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We all in different parts of the country, right?

[Joe]

No, sir. We live probably about 30 minutes away.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Joe]

And we weren't. Her schedule's a lot, so. Okay. All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you disclosed this two days out?

[Joe]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Joe]

And obviously it all blew up, but when I disclosed what I disclosed, I only disclosed a fraction of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Joe]

And so about, you know, it blew up about four weeks later. More. More came out because she got access to everything and was looking through everything and. Yeah. And, you know, she asked me the questions and I told her the truth and then about the real. And then after that happened, she. She had a. She got really upset. She had a. She has a brain condition and she had a massive seizure because of the stress on her body. And she was technically dead for three hours and. Her breast. Her best friend had texted me that that that was what going on. And that was my. That was my wake up call of this needs to stop.

[Show Announcer]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what is. What is cheating get you? Because it's. It's solving a problem in your life. What is.

[Joe]

Was. Now that I've been to therapy, I. I believe it was because I was not being happy with myself and feeling appreciated and, you know, using porn and whatever else it was made me feel good for a little bit, and so that was my coping mechanism.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know that it made you feel good as much as it distracted you or made you feel numb from not liking this guy in the mirror.

[Joe]

Yes, sir. Huh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the strange thing about not liking the guy in the mirror or feeling dead in your own skin is the world we have. And bro, I'm trained as a therapist. Like I. I'm trained to train therapist. Right. Like, I get that. That's my whole world. And the path to you becoming a man that you respect for the first time in your life is doing the next right thing. Action.

[Joe]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it may cost you your. I mean, your. Your relationship with this woman may be over. You getting the dream job you want may not happen at this moment in your life. It will one day, but not today. I guess what I'll tell you is becoming a man that you respect so that others can anchor into you, which is what our world desperately, desperately needs, is going to come with a hellacious amount of accountability here.

[Joe]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. Or as Paul Thomas Anderson once famously wrote, you may be through the past, but the past may not be through with you.

[Joe]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to. I'm telling you that to let you know the relief you feel that you finally put everything out on the table. That. That it will get hard again. It'll get really hard again. Right. And that doesn't mean it's not the wrong path. In fact, that is 100. The path is walking through it. Right?

[Joe]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the. I guess the elephant in the room is, does she still want to be with you? Obviously, this is way more complicated now that you have twins coming.

[Joe]

Yeah, she's. We've talked about it, and I've expressed my. Obviously, I want to still be with her, and I want to take responsibility, you know, for everything I've done and also for the children coming.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's separate those real quick. Okay?

[Joe]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Anytime somebody has that sense, and it has been there for a long, long, long time of feeling dead inside, one of the things they don't ever want to do is hurt somebody, which makes their actions. Cheating on somebody, hiding money, lying. It makes those things seem even more insane. But my guess is you don't ever want to hurt this woman. Is that fair?

[Joe]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you to be super, super clear that your pursuit of her. Your re. Pursuit of her is not in an effort to take away her pain because you feel real bad, right?

[Joe]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I want to make sure that you have decided. I want to wake up every day for the rest of my life and choose to love this woman so recklessly that I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that she knows on a minute by minute, hour by hour, year by year basis, that she is safe and loved. And if you can't make that commitment right now, don't.

[Joe]

I. I can and I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That's a big commitment because here's. Here's why. You've never done that before. And so you're going to have to give yourself a dump truck load full of grace moving forward because you're. You're entering Into a thing that you want to do, and you don't know how to do it. You don't know what it feels like to do it. And you have a.

[Destiny]

A.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

An allergy to discomfort, to boredom, to the mundane, right?

[Joe]

Yes, sir.

[Show Announcer]

And that is life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so cool. If you say you're all in. Awesome. You're gonna show up for your kids, right? You're gonna do that. But are you going to show up for her?

[Joe]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I don't want the weight of that statement, that commitment to. To go unnoticed. You should have felt a squat bar on your back. Just go with a whole bunch more weight on it.

[Joe]

Okay, Sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because becoming somebody that. That another person can anchor into till death do you part takes responsibility.

[Joe]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. It's a responsibility that more and more and more men need to take. But it is a responsibility. Okay, so my guess is neither of y' all are in a place to make. Here's what we do next. Because it's still too. Everything's still too fresh.

[Show Announcer]

She almost died.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The guy she was going to marry, she found out was a fraud. Oh, and you're having twins on top of having a neurological condition, which is going to be a whole different kind of pregnancy, right?

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, it's just a lot. So she's probably operating on a minute by. Oh, by the way, the government shut down, which. That's great. Like, so she's on a minute by minute, right?

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what has she told you about rebuilding this thing from the. From the bedrock up?

[Joe]

Obviously, we established that. You know, all that. I. I took care of all the apps, all the things that I was doing. Instagram, Facebook, like, you know, they're gone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You deleted. They're off.

[Joe]

Oh, not just that. I went and I took the account. I took, deleted the account, then I deleted them out of my phone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Great.

[Joe]

And I'm. The whole nine yards because I was using. I was misusing all kinds of apps.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay?

[Show Announcer]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's the thing. I want you to continue to go back to her on a week by week basis for the first two or three months.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And say you get to decide what rebuilding trust looks like. And I will walk the path you lay before me. I want you to make that a weekly ritual. And she will probably say, I don't want to be your mother. I don't know, even. And then when she says that, I want you to say, that's totally cool. When you are ready, I'm here, and here's the things I've done. In the meantime, I'm on week four with everything off my phone. Here is my phone unlocked if you want to see it. By the way, the passcode to my phone is X, Y or Z.

[Joe]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

By the way, I've pulled my credit report. Here is everything I owe. I want you to see that I'm a person of character because I am going to rebuild this from the floor up. And my hope is over time. She begins to say, and here is. I've been to counseling this many times. I am in the gym. I am like, here's the things affirmatively I am doing not to win her back, but to become somebody that is trustworthy, that she can anchor into. And every time you fudge something, you kind of bend the truth a little bit. You're going to stop, you're going to call her and say, you asked if I was headed straight home and I said yes, I actually am stopping to get coffee and then I'm going to come straight home. I'm going to be 100% honest with you. And you're going to have to practice. When you do veer left or right, you've been doing it for so long, you're going to have to. You're going to slip and fall. You're going to go through the shame, go through the guilt. You're going to go boom. I'm going to call you right back, and this is how I'm going to practice being a person of integrity.

[Joe]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And at the end of this path, she still may say, I don't want to be with you. There still may be lingering consequences. And part of being a person of integrity is if you do this for a year and you come to the realization that I don't want to be with you romantically, long term, you have to be a person of character that puts that on the table. I'm going to hurt you again. My hope is that doesn't happen. But this is integrity. It's whole. It's the root word, is integer, whole. But she gets to decide the path moving forward. And if she chooses to take you back, then she has a responsibility to practice being less emotionally reactive, to give you a path back and to not beat you up. 24 7, 365 4. Like as part of y' all coming back together. But right now, you own the cleanup. You blew the house to smithereens, you own the cleanup. And she gets to tell you which part of the yard you're going to start cleaning up first. Slow, steady, step by step by step. And by the way, go to every single appointment, every single ob GYN appointment, every single doctor's appointment, because you also are going to be a dad who freaking shows up. I'm going to take off work. You're going to.

[Show Announcer]

Well, if you leave again, you're fired.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Fine. I quit. Because these kids that aren't even born yet are more important. I will be a dad who shows up. And in so doing, you're going to show her that you're a guy who shows up. And in so doing, you're going to prove to yourself the person you absolutely burned from the inside out on the steel. You're going to prove to yourself, I am a man who shows up. I'm a man who can weather the truth. I am a man who is going to do things in my life. I'm going to play music. I'm going to ask exercise. I'm gonna get a hobby. I'm gonna get a side hustle. I'm gonna be a guy who doubles and triples and quadruples down on the woman in my life because I'm a guy who doesn't let myself get dead in my own skin. And that is a choice that we make. And so you've been using apps as a numbing device, as a drug. You're gonna have to backfill that with positive activities, part of positive action. I'm gonna start serving in my local community. I'm gonna become involved. I'm gonna become a man that I respect when I look at him in the mirror. Not who's perfect, but who is working, grinding, to do the next right thing. And then maybe she'll consider re anchoring into you.

[Show Announcer]

You got a long road to hoe.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But listen, I'm proud of you for saying I take ownership, and ownership comes at a cost. But it is the next right move. Call me anytime, brother. I'll walk with you. And if she wants to call, I'm happy to talk to her, too. You got a long path ahead of you, man, but you're taking the right step. Keep going. We come back, a woman asks how to get sober when her husband has no interest in getting sober himself.

[Show Announcer]

This show is sponsored by Better Help. All right, as we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of all the stuff you're carrying, all the things you think you have to do, all the past hurts and pains, along with all the past guilts and shame names. All of it. When the world feels heavy, it's important to look in the mirror and consider setting down all of that old weight and even consider not carrying it into 2026. Therapy can help you identify the heavy stuff, help you set it down and move forward with clarity so you can focus on the new year. And if you're thinking about therapy, I recommend Better Help. Better help has over 30,000 therapists, and they're one of the leading online therapy providers on the planet. And they're trusted by million of people around the world. With an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. It's all online, so it's easy to fit in your schedule to get started. You just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist that fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost. You can't feel lighter without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney for 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, Huntsville, Alabama, right down the street from me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's go to Destiny. What's up, Destiny?

[Destiny]

Hey, Dr. John.

[Nicole]

How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good. How are you, lady?

[Destiny]

I'm making it day by day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There we go. There we go. What's up?

[Destiny]

So I'm struggling with staying sober when there's alcohol around me constantly because my husband has no interest in getting sober or being sober.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about your sobriety journey. How'd you get here?

[Nicole]

It started.

[Destiny]

We started well when we met. We bonded over drinking, and then as the year's gone on, it's just gotten heavier and heavier. And I've been trying to quit for the past.

[Nicole]

Probably two to three years.

[Destiny]

And I always find myself going back to it, falling like I have. Feel like I have no willpower when it comes down to the end of the day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I mean, that's step. That's. That's right at the top of aa, right? I'm powerless.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Destiny]

I haven't actually attended any AA or anything like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How are you trying to get sober? Just white knuckling the crap out of it, basically.

[Destiny]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, I'm gonna tell you, you're. You're gonna fall over every time trying to do that.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you really ready to get sober? Are you just tired of being drunk?

[Destiny]

I'm ready to be sober.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And I'm asking you that question because then when it comes to a spouse who has no interest in. In helping his wife get healthy and whole, you're gonna have some real Hard choices to make. But the first choice is I really want to get sober because I'm worth feeling loved and alive in my own body.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Destiny]

It's taken some time to get to that point where now I just gotta figure out how.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Tonight you go to your first meeting.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And tomorrow morning, you get up and go to your meeting again. And here's what you're gonna prove to yourself. A, you are indeed powerless. B, alcohol's been serving a role in your life. It's actually been helping you. And we got to get to the true thing your body's trying to. To navigate, and it might be an unsafe husband. And three, you're going to prove to yourself, I'm serious about this, this time.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Destiny]

I always tell myself I'm serious, and then.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know, I know.

[Show Announcer]

I think you really want to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Want to do this.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I've never in my life. That's. That's not true. Maybe a couple of times, but almost never have I met somebody who really struggles with alcohol, who likes the struggle.

[Destiny]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you say, I want to quit. I want to go get sober. They'll tell you at aa. It will. It. Don't underestimate the cost.

[Destiny]

I wonder. I think sometimes I wonder what, you know, the relationship is going to be, like, 100% different.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if you're trying to preserve the relationship as it is and do this other thing, the homeostasis of the relationship that I said, that in a dorky way, the. The gravitational pull of the way things just are is going to win the day every time, because you're going to have four weeks of sobriety, and then your husband's going to yell at you. You're gonna have four weeks of sobriety, and he's going to come home drunk again, pawing at you, or you're going to have four weeks of just white knuckling it, and then you're going to get in trouble at work, and your body is going to reach for the only thing it knows to take the pain away, and it's surrounding you in your own house.

[Destiny]

Yeah. So, I mean, I've heard you say, like, if you're trying to get sober from alcohol, you pour it all out of your house and take it all out of your house.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's just step one. That's just. That is. That's not even step one. That is step zero.

[Destiny]

Yeah. And then it's brought back in daily. Even though, like, I can ask, I can say, hey, you know, can we do this together? Or can you only get the amount that you will drink. So I'm not tempted because I'm probably not going to go out and get it, but if there's not any extra, I'm less tempted to do it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's. That's your story on this side of sobriety. And I. That story makes sense to you and I applaud it because you're trying to hang on to something. You're trying to hang on to a ghost, which is a. That we have a good marriage. And I think deep down you know that you don't.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Destiny]

Definitely think things could be better. Yeah, that's fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Is your husband safe?

[Destiny]

Yeah, he's safe.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The only other conversation I would challenge you to have with him is not about drinking, but it's about a wife sitting down, courageously vulnerable, in front of her husband and saying, I'm feeling myself die and I've got to make some changes in my life. Will you do this with me? Will you help me feel safe in our house? And he might say, no, and that's different than will you stop drinking. Yeah, but you can't even say, I miss the old us. I miss you. Because you don't even know the guy. You know, 17 beers in guy.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or maybe you do know guy who's. It's 11 o' clock on a Saturday morning. He hasn't started drinking yet. And that guy. Not great. Maybe he is. Maybe he's wonderful.

[Destiny]

Yeah. I mean, he has his days, like when, you know, like if he hadn't started drinking yet. And we get along and we were great and we have a good day and then sometimes he's just. When he's not drinking, he's quiet and walled up and we don't talk.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Destiny]

And we're just, you know.

[Nicole]

And then he'll get a few drinks.

[Destiny]

In and his mood changes. He's happier.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, of course. It's a social lubricant. Yeah. Like you said it perfectly, it helps bring the walls down so that we can be the person that we imagine ourselves wanting to be instead of dealing with. Why are we having to build walls around ourself anyway? Yeah, that's a hard, scary path to take. Why so bright is hard. But how do you get sober when your husband has no interest in getting sober? You A, fully commit. This is a path I'm going to take. And B, you've got to get some support around you. Which is why I'm a fan of aa. Well, I'm a fan of recovery groups. While I'M a fan of other people getting involved because you can't just cut off the thing that's propping you up, which is alcohol. And you especially can't just disconnect yourself from your husband overnight and expect everything to go smooth.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Every demon you, Every demon you have will come screaming and howling at you in the middle of the night, in the middle of the day.

[Destiny]

That makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the question number one is, do you actually want to get sober this time?

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Destiny]

I deserve it. There you go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There we go. And so I'm gonna go to a meeting tonight. You gonna go to those stupid meetings every day? Yes, I am. At least for the first 90 days I am. You don't need a sponsor. We're not even alcoholics. We don't drink too much. I need some help. And they're going to tell you step one is not step one. There's 12 steps. But they're going to tell you you got to get rid of all the alcohol and you're going to have to change environments. You can't be around people who are doing that. Especially not forever, but especially right now.

[Destiny]

Yeah, I mean, what, we really only drink at home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but is that, is that financial?

[Destiny]

We don't actually, like, we don't go out and party or anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

In some way, in. In some ways that makes it worse because if you only drink at parties, you only drink at bars. You still have the safety and security of your home. If you only drink at home, that means those rattlesnakes live there. You get what I'm saying?

[Destiny]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you told me I only do drugs at parties, I would be like, sweet, just don't go to parties. But when you're like, no, I, I only, I only get myself in trouble. I only become somebody. I'm. I don't, I don't. That I need to protect myself from. I only do that at home. That's tough. It's tough to change that environment. Right?

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Especially when you're all by yourself. It is possible it's going to be infinitely harder, but you're on the right track with. I deserve this. My son needs a fully present mom. Even if she has two or three or four years of stumbling and grinding through. Why was alcohol the only way I could get through my life? Your son desperately needs a plugged in dad who doesn't need three or four drinks to be able to exhale and smile and hug his son. But you can't do that for him. He can only do it for you. So step One, go to a meeting tonight. Step two, go to a meeting in the morning and they're going to give you a roadmap. Sign up for a sponsor as soon as you possibly can. And tell your husband, I want my home to be a safe place. I'm not going to tell you to stop drinking because I can't. I can't make you do that. But I am telling you, I want this to not be a part of my life anymore. And my prayer is, it's not a part of our life. I deserve it. He deserves it. And God help you, your son deserves it. Today's day one destiny. Day one for real. I'm proud of you. You get that 30 day chip and you call me back. Maybe we'll talk to your husband at the same time. I'll walk with you. Day one. Proud of you, sister. We come back, a woman asks, how can she repair her marriage and her finances when her husband keeps having all of these business dreams that are setting everybody back.

[Show Announcer]

All right, let me tell you about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

App in the world.

[Show Announcer]

All right, y' all know this. My life is chaotic. I'm a speaker, I'm a writer, I do this show. And most importantly, I'm a husband and I'm a dad. And I listen to the daily gospel on Hallow almost every morning in the car on the way to work. It helps me pause, breathe, and settle in to timeless truth and wisdom. It's become the non negotiable start to my day. It's a reset button for my head in my heart. And sometimes at night, I'll put on one of Hallow's sleep meditations or a nighttime devotional. Hallow has daily devotionals and thoughtful meditations about prayer and leading a spiritual life all in one place. It's become my go to app. And here's the bottom line. Hallow helps me make space for peace. So if you want to anchor your day into spiritual truth and wisdom and get ultimate peace, check out Hallow right now. When you sign [e-mail] Deloney, they'll give you three months of the app for free. Go check it out. That's Hallow H a l l o w.com Deloney for three months for free.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, let's go to Chicago, Illinois and talk to Nicole. What's up? Nicole?

[Nicole]

Hi. Thank you so much for taking my call.

[Show Announcer]

Of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thanks for. Thanks for hopping on this morning. What's up? How can I help?

[Nicole]

So I wrote down my question so that I don't kind of phrase it the wrong way. So how do I move forward when my husband's business dream keeps setting us back?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who tell me about that?

[Nicole]

Well, it's, it's not only like relational between us. It's financial, it's emotional, it's physical.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's all intertwined.

[Show Announcer]

Yeah.

[Nicole]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. It's all intertwined.

[Nicole]

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We're high school sweethearts. We've been married for eight.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gross and awesome.

[Nicole]

And we have two kids under five. And since I've known my husband, he has this, he's always had this very entrepreneurial spirit where like self employment, working for himself was always the goal. And he kind of did like a side gig when we were in college and it was great for extra money, but we decided it wasn't going forward as a full time thing. There was just not a lot of longevity there. So he decided to get the degree, take on a full time job. He was doing really well there and actually had hopes of being a partner in the company someday or being part of that ownership and that leadership role. And unfortunately things took a turn and they were brought out by somebody different. And yada yada, it goes downhill from there. So then my husband faces some emotional setback.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Nicole]

And kind of has this quarter life crisis for better.

[Destiny]

Lack of better words.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did he get fired or just. There was just a stop sign like, you're not going any further.

[Nicole]

Right. There was a stop sign of like, you're not going any further. It was bought out by a different corporation. And. And the ladder that he thought was there had been ripped out from under him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Perfect. Okay.

[Nicole]

So he was putting all of his time and energy into building something with them for it to be taken away.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Nicole]

So he stayed with them for a while to see how it would go. And they on several occasions told him, you're so great, we're so won, but this is going to be it. This is where you're at. You can be here for as long as you want to be here, but you're not climbing anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Perfect.

[Nicole]

And so that did not sit well with him, obviously. And I understood that. So he kind of went back to, well, why don't I revisit the self employment thing? And so now we're at about nine months of him being completely self employed. If we were working the baby steps, we had been working them for a long time. In the heart of baby step two.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For the people listening, you all made a commitment to.

[Nicole]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To not owe anybody any more money. To get out of debt?

[Nicole]

Yes, to get out of debt and to not owe anybody money. And we had never had credit cards. We'd always paid for everything in cash since we had graduated college and moved in together and got married. And so now we're at the point where we're nine months into a new business, that he is doing wonderful work, and the clients and the customers are so pleased with him, but the finances just aren't there yet. And he had a large job. He's in construction, and he had a large job that he was still learning how to bid out things and how to charge. And it left us almost $10,000 in store credit card debt for materials. And so now we have business debt. And I haven't been able to. I manage a lot of the personal finances so that he can help manage the business thing. And we're kind of splitting things, which is not how we want to do it, but it's just what is manageable right now. And so now I have personal credit card debt because we're going on eight weeks of not getting a paycheck from the business.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And I have a. I can hear your voice quivering.

[Nicole]

Yes. I'm sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you. No, no, no.

[Show Announcer]

Don't be sorry at all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good grief. This is. This is scary. Have you said all of this out loud to anybody before?

[Nicole]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. It sounds like you're saying it all at once for the first time. And it's just. It's. It's heavy. Here's my biggest concern of everything that's happening, okay? Everything you've laid out is. I get it. And I'd even go as far to say noble. Both of you. I can see, I can feel both of you trying to do the right thing for each other and for yourselves. Okay? You're trying to be a supportive wife. He's trying to be a guy that's just scratching, clawing, and making it happen. He's actually good at the work he does. Right. Everybody's trying. But here's the. The big red flag for me. This quote, unquote, dream, this quote, unquote, you looking in the mirror and saying, I'm going to be a supportive wife. I'm going to be a supportive wife. And him looking in the mirror saying, I'm going to be a guy that works hard for my family. All that is pulling you away from the values y' all committed to build your marriage on. We are not people who borrow money. We, Our family. We are a couple who always works together and makes decisions together. I'll go one step further. I am a man who takes care of my family right now. He is doing amazing work at a hobby. Right?

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You are a. I will be a wife who ride or die with this man I've been with since high school. I will be a supportive wife. And that support is causing you to become somebody that goes against who you say you're going to be also. Right. You see where your values are starting to crash into each other.

[Nicole]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. This is a beautiful moment to turn all the lights on the house and call. Call something for a second. When's the last time you held his face and said, I can't tell you how proud of you I am for how you are scratching a clawing for me and this family.

[Nicole]

Not to that extent ever.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Nicole]

But I have told him multiple times, especially when he gets down, I'm a fixer. So my initial thought is to come up to him and to say, like, I love how you're working so hard. I'm. I'm very proud of all the work that you're doing. You know, but. Then he'll be like, but. There's a but. There's a but to that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Nicole]

And he. He can hear it in my voice. And, and it's. It is true. And it's hard for me to not be supportive of something that makes him so happy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But he's not happy. He's freaking miserable.

[Nicole]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's miserable. And if he gets a steady dose of I love you and I'm. I. I cannot tell you how lucky I feel with all of the men in the country leaving their families. All of the men who won't work hard. I got one that does. And you can be an amazing hard worker. You can be an extraordinary, gifted craftsman and a terrible business owner. I do corporate events for companies.

[Show Announcer]

All they do is they go in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And coach and help dentists and doctors and lawyers actually run their business because they are amazing dentists. And they're. They're heart surgeons.

[Show Announcer]

They can go cut out a heart.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And put another one in. But they don't know how to run payroll. They don't know how to keep supply chain stocked. They're different skill sets. You get what I'm saying?

[Destiny]

Oh, absolutely.

[Nicole]

Because that's been a conversation, too. And he. He's under the belief that, oh, I'll never make as much money if I go do this for somebody else.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And in the short term, he's actually right. But he's not ever going to lose as much either. There's Two sides to the risk equation.

[Nicole]

Yeah, I agree. I mean, there's. There's positives to being his own boss, you know, especially with the young kids. And I work full time too, so, you know, we are not home with the kids. There's daycare runs and after school activities and things like that where it's nice for him to not have somebody telling him, oh, no, you can't go pick up your kids, or you can't, you know, so that there are a lot of positives to being self employed into having his own business. And of course, I love those positives.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But they're not real right now. They're not realized. No, it's a hobby.

[Nicole]

Yeah. We just keep thinking, well, the next job, we're gonna get another job. It's gonna be great. It's gonna be better. And he is learning, you know, of course. For him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. But that's why, that's why I'm.

[Show Announcer]

I'm so, like, if he was here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would hug him and tell you, thank you for being an honorable man. And you can be an incredibly honorable man. And the most honest, graceful thing you can give yourself is the words not right now or not just yet. Those two things aren't incompatible. It's not. Either I go all in on my own business and I just crash and burn, or maybe we get the one. I mean, it's the.

[Show Announcer]

It's like golf.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get. You hit one shot and you're like.

[Show Announcer]

Oh, I can do this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right? The next job. It'll be the next job. It'll be the next job. And you, as the person who's keeping the books at home, are just watching this thing slowly slip and slide. More importantly, you're watching your value slip and slide. You're watching your marriage slip and slide. And you're watching the man that you love and you dedicated your life to come unwound.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Fair. Because this impacts. You said it. This impacts your sex life. It impacts your just the general laughter and peace in a house, which already is chaotic because you got two kids under five. Right.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It impacts everything. And so it's circling back to. I need you to hear me say, so proud of you. With a period when so many men bail on their families. I got a guy that's scratching a claw, period. And you don't have to fix the next thing.

[Nicole]

So I guess, do we just keep going?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. I mean, I always default to a couple of just principles, frameworks for how I live my life and how I coach other people to do it. It Human beings are unfathomably resilient, especially the nerd words are in a bounded context when there's a time limit. So anybody. If he had called me before and said, hey, I just realized I'm capped, I can't go any further, I would have said, cool. You have a 12 month exit, and that 12 month exit is going to cost you every weekend for the next calendar year. I want you and your wife to sit down and count that cost because on the weekends, you're going to miss every soccer game, you're going to miss hunting season, you're going to miss everything because you're going to be building your own practice, your own construction deal on the side, one customer at a time, learning how to bid jobs, learning how to do a subs, learning how to tell somebody a customer one thing and then four of your guys don't show up the next morning because somebody else paid him a quarter more an hour, all that stuff. And at the same time, he's got a paycheck coming in, he's got health insurance coming in for his wife and his babies, right?

[Nicole]

And we did have that plan, I mean, and it, it worked for about six weeks. We started it in January and he was doing weekends. He'd be gone out of state doing jobs, okay, from Thursday through Sunday night and sometimes Thursday through Monday. And it was getting to the point where it looked positive. And we said, well, wow, we've got all these jobs lined up and you don't even have enough time to do them. And there was this nagging part of me, and it's partially my fault of when he took his exit because I had this nagging of, well, I'd really like to have a good savings account first or I'd really like to pay off all our debt first. We could do it in 18 months. And I didn't speak up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There we go.

[Joe]

And hey, listen.

[Nicole]

And I did say it at some points, but then he would, he would just be so miserable.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know.

[Nicole]

And so I gave in and I said, fine, just go ahead, you know, so it wasn't that we didn't have those conversations.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know. But those conversations were always with like he, like you said it perfectly with the dot.in the. But after it, meaning I didn't speak up in real time. I hoped that he just knew. He kept saying he was going to be miserable. You knew that actually he was going to be super miserable if one of these jobs didn't work out or he's going to be winning at work. But he's going to be connected to the most important person in his world, his wife. And she's going to be scared and unsafe. And when I get scared and unsafe, you get scared unsafe. You nitpick, you point out, you try to fix, you close down emotionally or centrally, like all those things that all of us do naturally. And it just creates this weird figure eight dance, right?

[Nicole]

Yes, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so there's something powerful about you over owning. Right. And you saying, I want to have a hard conversation and I need you to stay present. No leaving the table, no saying, oh, I'm gonna. I just Let's. I want to put everything on the table. Number one, I'm so proud of you, I can't even see straight. Number two, there's multiple moments over the last year that I didn't speak up, and that's on me. And because I didn't speak up, you got as scared shell of a wife. And I'm sorry. Number three, we gotta be honest about the finances of this job. It speaks nothing about your skill set, nothing about your dream, none of that. We just have to be honest about the math problem we have right now. And if he can't sit present in that, then you all have bigger issues in your marriage I need to go deal with.

[Nicole]

Oh, no, he could.

[Show Announcer]

I know he can't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know he can. I said that for the audience listening, because there's gonna be somebody listening who's like, well, he would never.

[Show Announcer]

I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your guy sounds amazing. You sound amazing. And I think that's the hard part is you can have two awesome people that are struggling at being married, or two awesome people that are struggling being parents, or two awesome, amazing people who are both hard workers, both all in, and yet the business isn't working out. You know what I'm saying?

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when you make being an entrepreneur your identity instead of I'll be a guy who shows up for my family, that needs to reemerge as the identity. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you reemerge as a wife who I will never not speak my mind again, even in the short term if it's going to make my husband feel uncomfortable. Because now he feels your discomfort, you feel his discomfort. And he's trying to do everything he can so you're not uncomfortable and you're trying to do everything you can for he's. So he's not uncomfortable. And now you're borrowing money, he's bidding jobs under so he can get the job and it loses money. And now we have a mass. You know what I'm saying?

[Nicole]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And I. I guess I want you to hear me say on this side of it, this is the best kind of call I can take because I have two people that are all in on each other. It's just gotten cloudy and the sun's going to come back out. Thank you for the call, sister. I see a really bright future for Yalls marriage and for his business and for everything. Because for the first time, not for the first time, but forever, you're gonna start never leaving the table without having said what you believe and what you want. Even if it causes short term discomfort. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

[Show Announcer]

I'm always talking about sleep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why?

[Show Announcer]

Because sleep matters. I've struggled with sleep for years. And when I don't sleep, I'm impatient, I'm distracted. And I'm not the dad, husband, friend or co worker that I want to be. And that's why I'm pumped to tell you about something that's truly helped me sleep better. Beam's Nighttime Dream Powder Y', all, this stuff is amazing. A few months ago, my neighbors who are professional athletes, they told me about this stuff. I tried it and I'm telling you, it has changed how I sleep. Dream is a blend of science backed ingredients including Rishi, magnesium, L theanine, epigenin, melatonin and more. And it helps you fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer. I track my sleep and this stuff works. And it's delicious. Beam has no weird chemicals. And here's the best part. I wake up sharp and not groggy. Right now, Beam is offering up to 50 off their best selling Dream powder with my code [e-mail] Deloney that's the lowest price they've ever offered and it's only for my audience. Go to shopbeam.com deloney and use code Deloney to start sleeping better tonight.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, Kelly, Something awesome happened.

[Kelly]

So this is from Jonathan in McKinney, Texas and he writes, I've always avoided conversations about a loved one passing away because I never knew what to say someone to someone who was grieving. You taught me to ask the bereaved what their loved one's name was and the favorite memory that they have of the deceased. What a game changer that advice has been. I love seeing the smile come across the face as they think of their favorite memory. It feels like asking those questions is honoring both the dead and the grieving family member. Thank you for giving me that tool and for make to make a connection with a hurting person. Dtid, which is Dallas till I die and Go Rangers.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Could have done with that last part without that last part. Jonathan.

[Kelly]

Jonathan's a very smart human being.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That feels like that was a huge bait and switch to say Go Rangers. So I will say, dude, thank you so much for listening to the show and for putting these things into practice and honoring hurting people. It's amazing. I'm proud of you and H Town. Get your hot chase up and go Strozzi for life. Peace out.